Upstaged??? Man every time Iâve passed out around people who werenât family, I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. That just wouldnât be an option for me𤣠itâs always at the worst moments. Feels like everyoneâs judging so I try my best to prepare and avoid
Does she understand how that's going to make you feel? If it were me I'd never expect a friend or family member to make themselves feel ill over something so frivolous.
Is there any way to get her to compromise? 40 minutes is a really long time to be on your feet.
Info: are you standing for 40 minutes while the photos are being taken? If so, might this be managed by talking with the bride and photographer about the shooting list and getting all the ones where you're needed all together or spaced far enough apart that you get to sit down between set ups? If it's 40 mins for the ceremony, then a high stool where you can perch wouldn't be too disruptive and again, if it's about photos then this can be negotiated with the photographer so he knows to take any wide shots at agreed points.
If the bride refuses to accommodate you, well that's just sh\*tty. But if you want to be her bridesmaid you might want to look at wearing compression tights under the dress and do A LOT of calf muscle strengthening exercises to help support your veins the mitigate pooling blood. Good luck! You've got this whatever you choose to do!
Edit: Just read that the bride is your mum - this is excellent news! Because now all you have to do is explain that you'll faint and all the attention will be off her and on you. And you will milk it for all your worth.
People who are unwilling to accommodate disabilities are not worthy of you. I hope you figure something out to be more comfortable. đ My only idea is a tall stool, which seems against the rules.
I wonder if they can adjust where you stand in the bridesmaids lineup and then have a seat reserved for you in the first row. Either way the bride should be open to accommodations.
If I were the one planning, it would make more sense to incorporate barstools for the whole wedding party and then have the couple standing front & center
Could really add to photos while also being accessible & accommodating to POTS.
(Now I'm a little concerned about my own wedding, though lol)
There is no way I could stand still for 40 minutes. Also, if it's hot that will make you feel worse.
It's pretty unfair and unrealistic to ask someone with POTS to stand that long and not be willing to negotiate.
If it were me, I would have a conversation with the bride and tell her your limits. If she isn't willing to accommodate your disability then I would not be willing to be a bridesmaid anymore. A seat in the front row or a stool to sit on is not that big of a deal.
Yes it's her day but never put your health at risk for someone who doesn't care at all about your safety. She will regret this decision if you pass out.
I'm glad it's cooler where you are. It's very warm in Canada right now. I hope it goes well. If it were my wedding I wouldn't care about how it looks. Maybe for a few pictures but for 40 minutes is ridiculous. I hope it goes well.
I think the idea of it looking awkward is so silly. Itâs a disability. Itâs just part of who you are. Would she avoid having any bridesmaids who use wheelchairs because it would âlook awkward?â Super ableist, honestly.
I had to do this and first off if she says 40 minutes itâs going to be an hour and fortyâŚ. Secondly, focus on footwear. I made the mistake of wearing heels and by the end of the ceremony I was almost in tears, and not for the happy couple. I couldnât enjoy the ceremony and Iâm quite sure I had a stinky look on my face because of all the pain I was in.
Thatâs ridiculous. I was a bridesmaid for my best friend before I was officially diagnosed. They setup a wheelchair where I would be positioned so I had the option to sit if needed (and I did). Anyone who puts aesthetics over someoneâs health and safety is not worth it. They can have a taller stool like a barstool to keep you at a similar height if that matters so much but not accommodating you is unacceptable. If you faint sheâll end up blaming you and claiming you made her wedding about you.
My tip would honestly be to skip the wedding bc someone who makes accommodations I need for my health non negotiable is not someone I need in my life. This is really bad, on her end.
Itâs not going to look good _to her guests_ if youâre harmed because you stood too long and had a fall. Especially if the compassionate ones find out you would have been okay if you had a chair to sit in gracefully. Bad optics and bad feels all around. :(
Itâs not going to feel good when she thinks about her wedding if you get hurt because you stood up for pretty pictures. If she cares for you, the specter of âI didnât listen to my child and they were hurt on my wedding dayâ is gonna loom when she thinks about her wedding.
I understand that your mom doesnât understand yet. She may be upset because youâre sick, and she doesnât want you to be sick, and she wants to pretend things are normal. It will be a much more normal day if she gives you a chair, with some posed photos where youâre standing.
As a point: falling from fainting isn't the worst thing that can happen. Often there are things like stages and places to fall *onto* that are more dangerous.
[This is an example in a video about POTS (and fainting generally) about a woman who broke her jaw and cheek bone in a fall from fainting.](https://youtu.be/P5xSgiwueHw?t=1303)
Before I was diagnosed and when my symptoms were just starting to get bad I had to do thisâŚthe slight nervousness of walking down the aisle in front of other people caused a full blown adrenaline rush and for the 10 or so minutes of standing before we all sat in the pews I truly thought I was going to collapse and cause a scene. Had I known more about what was going on Iâm sure the bride would have been accommodating, I was just so new in it at the time I had no idea what to expect.
If this is you I would definitely recommend talking to the bride openly - agreed with everyone else that it shouldnât have to get to that point, but if she understands that itâs a choice between you potentially collapsing over providing an accommodation maybe sheâll be more understanding :/
Also, not sure what your exact scenario is but if you can time your meds appropriately on the day of it might help a bit (e.g. if youâre on propranolol, take it 30 mins to an hour ahead of the ceremony so itâll be in full effect - thatâs what I might try to do if it were me now). Best of luck đđ
I was at a wedding recently where the holder for the bridesmaids bouquets was a hidden flask with a straw at the back. Idk if you could use one of these with an electrolyte drink and that could help? The maid of honor found them on amazon and wrapped a colored ribbon around them and they were not noticeable at all. I have it mentally bookmarked for the next wedding Iâm in lol
Then you canât be a bridesmaid. Bride will have to find someone else.
You are important. Your basic needs are important.
(I understand that weddings are crazy and wrought with weird family and friend dynamics. If you have to bow out and get asked about it, you only need to smile sweetly and say âoh I had a conflictâit was too bad.â Just leave it and move on. Thereâs no reason to waste any of your energy on this.)
Argh. Well, thatâs a pickle.
How is your pots being treated currently? If you arenât on medication, now is probably the time to try it.
Start practicing standing a few times a day. Iâm really hoping the wedding isnât like next week but itâs summer soooo ugh. Do it next to a wall so you can lean if you have too. Start with as long as you can stand without feeling symptomatic. Add 15 seconds everyday.
Support stockings will help if thatâs acceptable. Get the kind that are super high waisted. You want them to go up and over the abdomen. If the bridesmaids are bare-legged a support garment over just the abdomen will help.
Make sure youâre well hydrated with plenty of electrolytes the day of the event. Everyone has their favorites on this sub. You may need to do a trial run or two to figure out the balance between âwell hydratedâ and âomg i have to pee in the middle of the wedding.â
Donât drink the night before.
Iâll try to think of something else. But a trial run seems like a good idea just to make sure you can do itâŚ.
Down a cold electrolytes drink right before the ceremony. It triggers your blood pressure to increase after about 15 minutes and the effect lasts about an hour.
It is possible. You tell your mom you physically can't do it, and that if you can't sit, you won't be there. If you don't think you can muster the courage for it, print out this post and its comments, and let the rest of us tell her how selfish she's being about her photos being more important than her daughter's health and safety.
I was a bridesmaid for a former friend. I ruined my health for bridezilla and she didn't even bother to take any pictures of just us together. I wasn't healthy enough to do all the traditional bridesmaid duties, so I was just in the background in their very large bridal party. She did have chairs for ALL of the bridal party to sit so I wouldn't stand out as the only person sitting, so there's that. But I went to the ER twice - maybe even the third time that year - because I didn't know I had POTS back then and didn't know what was making me sick - because of *her* bridal party nonsense and having to be there for her for *hours* for the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner and then arrive at the wedding location in the morning for the nighttime ceremony. I fell apart at the reception, having to leave shortly after the cake was cut, my husband rushing me back to the bridal suite where the bridesmaids had all gotten dressed, sitting on the floor of the bathroom sobbing in pain.
I ended up in the hospital the next day. I never told her because I didn't want to ruin her wedding and honeymoon. Turns out she blamed me for leaving the reception without telling her.
I cut her out of my life for unrelated reasons, but this was part of my thinking. She never even noticed the sacrifices I made that permanently reduced my ability to function, blaming me for ruining *things* for her, when it was my body in ruins.
Your mom can accommodate you, or she can live with the fact that she put wedding photos before your health.
If she really insists on all the bridesmaids standing that longâmaybe tell her you canât be a bridesmaid, but youâll sit in the front row during the ceremony and pose for some pictures with her and your family. Or maybe thereâs another role you could take on with less standingâwalking her down the aisle and then you take a seat, etc.
Does the bride know and understand that you have a medical condition that will cause disabling symptoms and/or result in you losing consciousness if you stand for too long? If not, then thoroughly explain this to her.
If she is well aware of this and is still demanding you do it, then my tip is to immediately drop out of a wedding for someone who is clearly a selfish bridezilla who believes sheâs totally justified in completely abandoning empathy and human decency because âiTâs HeR dAy!â
A truly good person doesnât want or expect someone else to put their health at risk, make themselves feel terrible, and potentially end up with a months-long flare of a chronic illness for ANY reason. Not to mention literally putting your life at risk if you faint and are therefore in danger of a serious or fatal head injury.
I also read in some other comments that your mom seems confused about POTS. I recommend googling âPOTS for parentsâ. I found a lot of great articles to send to my own parents.
I would just tell her your limit for how long you can stand and if there's no accommodation that she can make, then you can't be a bridesmaid.
If you have to stand through the ceremony, are you even going to be able to attend the reception?
That's a really good point. I stood in my brother's wedding a few years ago, before my POTS got worse. The standing itself was okay for me, but it was a very long day, and I ended up having a panic attack at the reception (I was overstimulated and exhausted, plus had been standing a lot, and those trigger panic attacks for me with hyperPOTS).
Things that helped me get through most of the day:
- flat, supportive shoes
- compression leggings (it was a winter wedding, fortunately)
- going outside when I got too warm
- taking breaks
- sitting when I had the opportunity
- staying on top of my regular meds and taking rescue meds when needed
- avoiding alcohol, sugar, and caffeine
- drinking lots of water
- good sleep the night before
- talking with my brother and his wife ahead of time to understand which parts were most important for me to participate in, so I could pace myself and prioritize those parts
If I had a do-over, I would:
- bring more snacks and electrolytes for myself
- take more breaks to lie down in a quiet room or outside
- sit whenever it was feasible
- bring noise canceling headphones as well as earplugs
- lower my expectations (for example, I was hoping to dance at the reception, but that wasn't realistic, and I felt disappointed and ashamed when I couldn't)
- have a plan for leaving early, if I needed it
- have a designated support person (my aunt ended up being amazing, but we didn't set that up in advance)
Okay, first of all, make sure that your actual needs are \*understood\* because not allowing accommodations is pretty ableist and disrespectful of you, someone whom they are supposed to care about!
If you're going forward anyway, they need to have a seat available for you jic, or you're risking fainting and hurting yourself. That's not okay! And I'm sure that'll be more of an interruption to their "aesthetic" than having someone sit! They can even do something like a tall stool and cover it in colour-coordinated fabric so it's not so visible if that's so important.
If YOU \*really want\* to be standing you have some things you can do to last longer at it. Compression garments (and I mean garmentS! You can get compression shirts, shorts, stockings, Spanx, you name it!) can help a lot with keeping your BP up. Make sure you are SUPER hydrated using something like Nuun Sport that has lots of sodium/electrolytes in it. Fidgeting helps a ton, for example coming up on your toes and back down, squeezing your leg and tush muscles and relaxing them intermittently, shifting weight foot to foot. Crossing your legs (can be challenging in standing for balance!) can help keep blood going uphill by squeezing your muscles, without having to fidget quite as much. Ask to have AC/fans going strong to keep things cool so that you aren't overheating and vasodilating and risking blood pooling worse. Having something you can lean on also may help with not feeling light-headed.
i totally understand! you can get cheap canes at walmart, lowes, CVS, walgreens. rollators are more expensive to invest in. you could look for one second hand on FB marketplace or something of the like(maybe some disability FB groups too. someone might have one they are selling or giving away) if you have the extra money for something for expensive than cane.
This place sells them!
[https://fashionablecanes.com/pages/search-results-page?q=blade](https://fashionablecanes.com/pages/search-results-page?q=blade)
Did you know they have standing chairs? I ran into the same problem awhile back just not for a wedding. Iâd say prep as best you can as far as remembering your meds if you have any, plenty of salt and water, compression garments etc. The standing chair can be hidden if youâre wearing a long dress. Best of luck to you! I know how embarrassing it is to pass out in front of people. I hope you can avoid it.
Tell her you need a chair and if it ruins her aesthetic then tell her that youâll have to sit in the audience then or not come. Itâs crazy how angry people get over this itâs not like we chose to live this way weâre looking out for ourselves. If you fall down or hit your head on the floor hope sheâs ready for a lawsuit
Iâm sorry the bride isnât being very understanding. I was literally a bridesmaid yesterday and it was 90 degrees and outside, It wasnât super smooth, but I didnât pass out and actually felt OK, so itâs possible to do, But I was only outside for the ceremony and pictures, the rest was inside and my pots is most likely secondary to a CSF leak, and that was recently fixed so Iâm not having nearly as a bad a time, so some of the things I did might not help enough. Anyways, since you said your diagnosis is new, some things to try beforehand to see if they help: drinks lots of electrolyte drinks, like way more than normal when getting ready. I drank 6 body armor bottles and a Gatorade for the salt, as body armor doesnât have that much salt. Personally, day to day my POTs doesnât seem to benefit much from pounding fluids, but I did the day of in preparation and it helped a ton (I didnât think to do so for the rehearsal and that was rough). Another thing to try is compression. Knee high compression socks donât do a ton, but thigh and abdominal compression do wonders. I wore Jobst ultra sheer thigh highs, they came to the tops of my thighs. I also had firm shapewear on for abdominal compression. With these things, and sitting down when I needed to, it went OK.
Talk to your mom. You mentioned that she doesn't fully understand your condition. I sincerely hope she's receptive to your disability. It needs to be understood that you can't do that without fainting & potentially hurting yourself. Maybe she can have a stool for you to sit on. It could be decorated in ribbons & flowers that match her wedding theme.
If she can't handle that, it's possible that your mother is a narcissist. If your health isn't more important than optics at her wedding, you may need to take a step back from the relationship. My father is a narcissist. It took me years to come to terms with that. Eventually, you need to decide what's more important. Your mental & physical health, or their ego.
I wish you all the best & hope your mother understands.
since everyone is saying just skip, here are some tips.
1) Insoles, because I swear once pots developed my feet got tired faster
2) compression socks, you can order them in nude off of amazon to hide them and can be under your outfit
3) Before standing make sure youâre hydrated and had maybe a salty snack before so your body doesnât have an excuse to be mean
4) Donât get into your head about how it will make you feel that will only make it worse, I do it a lot
5) You should be distracted by the wedding so that will help a lot with symptoms too
6) I know this is something you cant do most likely but make sure youre cool. Over heating make our symptoms work so if its an outside wedding light light layers as much as possible with what youre told to wear if itâs inside maybe request AC to be low if possible if not I would not stand or do much until you are needed.
Absolutely not! If this canât be accommodated, drop out. Thereâs no reason you canât sit down and just occasionally stand for photos if you need to. However, the ONLY thing thatâs ever allowed me to stand longer was pantyhose. Very thick ones.
They make compression stocking things that are really similar to a thick pantyhose. I was recently in a wedding and the dress had a slit to almost mid thigh so my usual compression socks would not work. I used Jobst ultra sheer thigh highs and they helped quite a bit, along with pounding electrolyte drinks beforehand and wearing abdominal compression (ultra firm abdominal shapewear)
So sorry if youâve already answered this but I havenât seen it answered yet - how long do you have before the wedding? There are some pretty cool crystal-clear lucite walking sticks out there that could help you feel more supported and balanced while not being so obvious in photos! Sending hugs, that situation is real hard to navigate and Iâve been there too. đ¤
You might have enough time to find one that you like! I know itâs not that easy and thereâs also the fact of dealing with othersâ responses to it.
I was just in my sisters wedding and I said to her I either need to sit down during the ceremony or Iâll faint and become rly unwell. She agreed I walked done the isle and then sat down I also used my walking stick. If she truly wants you in the party sheâll accomodate for you.
i was also a bridesmaid in april and it was only like 10 minutes and i had a hard time. if you need to sit, PLEASE do. i cant believe she would choose the aesthetic of her wedding over her own bridesmaids health. pots is no joke and she needs to realize that. if i were you, i would talk to her again bc 40 minutes is WAY too long. me and most ppl with pots i know pass out at the 15 minute mark of standing. you really need to talk some since into her or say you wont be in her wedding
Tall stool to sit on during the ceremony? Stand when they take group pictures? Standing for 40 minutes isnât going to work, even the best compression isnât going to make you feel okay for that long.
Nothing is worse to me than having to stand still for an extended period. Itâs so painful. I almost fainted at my own wedding, which was prior to my POTS diagnosis, so I didnât understand why standing still was so excruciating.
Is your dress long? Can you sneak compression gear under it? If not, Iâd recommend downing electrolyte drinks before hand and âbox breathingâ for the duration of the ceremony.
I donât see why you canât sit in a cute chair though. đ¤ˇââď¸
Box breathing is something my neurologist recommended. Basically, you count to four seconds while inhaling, so one long, slow breath. Then hold it for four seconds. Then exhale slowly for four seconds. Repeat.
Yes! Iâve seen a bunch of videos of members of the wedding party fainting during the ceremony. There are always a ton of comments about keeping your knees loose. Apparently locking them massively restricts blood flow to the upper body.
Talk about accommodations? Iâm also participating in the demon bait for a friends wedding and sheâs putting chairs for the entire party to sit during the ceremony. Itâs an incredible way to not feel singled out while accommodating! đ
The other thing Iâd maybe recommend is wearing a corset under your clothes.
Iâm allergic to stretchy fabrics so compression socks arenât a great option for me. I own a very nice corset. It helps me with blood pooling in my stomach. I definitely feel less lightheaded when I wear it but a corset probably wonât help much with blood pooling in your feet from standing thoughâ compression socks will help more with that.
I know a lot of people on here made a big deal about you standing for 40 min. I donât think itâs always an issueâ itâs dependent on your ability to do so. *Your friends, family, and anyone who genuinely cares about you should be supportive and accommodating of a legitimate health problem / potential disability. If a person cares about you, they should care about your health, wellbeing, and safety*. I personally donât feel great standing for an hour but I can do it (I rarely faint though). However, if itâs hot, I will start fainting. If youâll faint, especially when youâre hot, Iâd probably not consider the corset because they can hold in heat. If you run cold, they can help keep you warmer.
I was just worrying about my own future bridesmaid experience and saw this haha! I might ask for a stool behind me just in case. I am opting for a jumpsuit instead of a dress anyways since Iâm non-binary but also realized that means I can wear my compression stockings underneath without showing!
Way cool! I think jumpsuits should be more in style hehe. I just talked to my friend and she said the ceremony would only be 10-15 minutes but she would happily put a chair up there for me just in case; but I think Iâll be okay for that long with compression socks.
Im in the same boat! Compression body suit under dress, get an IV the day before or morning of (they have Mobile companies that will come to you in most cities) practice every day to build stamina depending on how far away the wedding is (of course we cant push ourselfs too hard), opt into more of a.platform/wedge than a stiletto if need be they are waaayyy easier to walk in. Oh! and since most of us live with a smart watch on 24/7 get a decorative/fancy band to blend it in as jewelery not a visible heart monitor lol
For photos, they have these collapsible stools that look like disk/Frisbys and can fit in large purses. Mine fits in my Kate spade for reference. If your doing a long photo shoot and need a break it's a great option instead of lugging a real chair around.
Bridesmaid activities, educate the bride squad! :) most people are very understanding once they know, also if need to go to clubs/batch trips opt in for seated clubs or renting sections so you can come but have guaranteed seating. Also talk to the bride or MOH about plans so your not blindsided by any limitations.
my own opinion, regardless of if its your momâs wedding you either need a barstool, if sheâs that concerned with aesthetics, its taller so it wonât look as out of place. a place to sit in general or you shouldnt be in the wedding. you cant put your health above *aesthetic* now that is non-negotiable, and no heels for the ceremony. wear some flats or something in the same color as heels.
your going to really have to put your foot down on this one and tell her to get her head out of her butt.
I was in my friendâs wedding before I was officially diagnosed and they shifted the ceremony around a bit so the whole wedding party sat for a few minutes mid ceremony(it was my fourth time being in a wedding and no one wants to stand the whole time if the ceremony is over 20 minutes). There were some more religious aspects so basically we were standing for the âweddingâ parts and sitting for the âchurchyâ parts. I was the tallest bridesmaid so we were arranged by height so I could step back and sit if I had to without it being a weird visually.
Photos are usually pretty easy as long as the photographer is good at wrangling and has a shot list from the couple. But thatâs really going to depend on the photographer.
I think the ideal scenario would be you not standing for 40 minutes! I would probably faint about 20 minutes in. Standing still for long stretches of time is the one of the worst things you can do for POTS. You could get seriously injured if youâre pushing yourself too hard and faint.
If youâre going to try and figure out how to do it Iâd recommend compression pants, drinking a lot of pedialyte and taking salt pills. Make sure you have a full stomach and are properly hydrated
It sounds like you're already planning to talk with your mom about accommodations. That seems wise--good luck!
Since you said you're new to this diagnosis, I'll just chime in that I would focus on full (toe to waist) compression. If you can't afford the medical grade compression tights (like Sigvaris or Juzo or Mediven, all of which are sometimes covered by insurance and look like nylons), you should be able to find mildly compressive nylons for cheaper. In which case you could layer them with Spanx for extra abdominal compression + the highest compression knee highs you can find.
Then just before the ceremony, chug a bunch of water (assuming you've recently peed and aren't setting yourself up for yet another form of discomfort).
And if you have to stand throughout the ceremony, wiggle your toes, clench and unclench your leg muscles, and make sure your knees aren't locked. Basically, just keep engaging your leg muscles as much as possible --they will help keep your blood moving back up and reduce the burden on your heart.
You need to explain to the bride that you cannot turn off your disability for her wedding, and if she wants you to stand the whole time that youâll probably pass out in the middle of their vows.
Why 40 minutes? I donât think Iâve been to a ceremony that lasted more than 15 minutes. For everything in between, you can have a stool to take breaks in between photos and whatnot
This might be one of those times where you have to be the one that makes a change, not the bride. I think sitting on the first pew once the rest of the attendees are seated after the procession is a good plan. So you can walk up the aisle and stand there until the bride is there, and stand back up and join them at a certain point.
Working out, especially the legs which pump the blood back north has almost eliminated my daughters pots. Although she never pasted out, she definitely had it and was diagnosed at a cardiologist. Compression stockings will help. Salt of course. Good luck
I had the same issue as you two years ago where i couldn't stand/walk for more than 5 minutes.
I was so worried and depressed but deep down in my mind i convinced myself that i have to walk again. I took some antidepressants and increased my salt intake a little bit. I have been wearing stocks socks for like a month and i saw a huge progress now i can normally walk and stand. I still see have some episodes of dizziness and imbalance but its tolerable.
My advice for you is to check your neck because POTS is usually linked to neck issues.
Try get a few chairs for the bridesmaids and you stand in between the other two bridesmaids and have them link arms with you to support you while standing
Maybe [this aide](https://www.dirtytwirl.com/) could be a subtle solution if youâre facing the audience? It would have to be decorated or under your dress. It isnât the most cost effective, though. :( could be an investment for future use, however!
In situations like that I go ham on the salt tablets, slide on compression socks, and pray.
I have been blessed with a lot of accommodating people and if it were me, I would ask the bride to put me at the back so I can stand at the beginning and the end and quietly sit down in the front row in between. If anyone other than the bride has a problem with that they can take it up with HR.
Maybe see if you can get to an iv spa the morning of or day before.They can be pricey but can be really helpful for some people
And figuring out how to stand. Like if you stand in particular way it may be worse or better. If you have any hypermobilty issues this is especially important
But depending on you tendency to pass out or have debilitating flares it may be better to sit in the pews for safety. I personally have not passed out but standing for that amount of time would probably push me to that level so itâs really about your particular body and how it responds to different things
When I was in a wedding they just had the whole wedding party sit on bar stools on stage, since they knew I couldn't stand. Only the couple getting married were standing. It looked great in the photos. Also I'm pretty sure that everyone else, especially the people in heels, really appreciated not having to stand too!
I honestly wouldn't go. Accompanying our needs with things like this is important, and if your family isn't ready to do that, I honestly feel they don't actually want you there. It also sounds like the bride only cares for the "perfect photos" instead of the actual memories of having her family and friends involved in a huge life event for them....
I'm about to be this person too. I'll be hydrating like hell, shooting a liquid IV right beforehand, and finding every opportunity to sit otherwise. It isn't necessary that I stand during the ceremony, she'll give me a chair if I ask for it, but I've never passed out and I'm willing to suffer the discomfort.
I wouldn't call that an accommodation if you're saying you can't stand for that long. I think if you're comfortable sharing more information with the bride if she isn't aware of what could happen if you stand for that long id advise that
Hello! Iâm so sorry the bride is being unaccommodating. I had to deal with the same thing last year. I contacted the wedding coordinator and informed them of my medical condition. I made sure that there was a chair to stand by for breaks in between photos and also as chair relatively close by during the ceremony so that if I did it get pre-syncope, I would be able to take a seat. I also asked my cardiologist if it would be OK to have two lactated ringers( Iâve read that they work better than plain saline for pots) on the morning of the wedding. I felt like I didnât have pots. I also used abdominal compression, and that helped a lot too. I would run it by one of your medical professionals before having fluids. My doctor told me that not everyoneâs heart can handle additional fluids. I hope it works out for you.
Yes, please do ask if they think it would be safe. While you can get them at the IV clinic and bars, we donât know anything about your medical history, and certain medical conditions are contraindicated for IV fluids. But more importantly, abdominal compression helps keep the blood from pooling in your lower half and gets more blood back to your brain. Itâs the most helpful thing I include every day that keeps me from feeling dizzy and helps me be more functional. Even better if you could pair it with compression stockings or socks on your feet and legs.
The options are:
Your mom learning about your physical disability (I stg I am willing to talk on the phone for this kind of thing and I never talk on the phone to anyone!) and agreeing to let you have a comfortable tall stool to support you (it can actually be cute and fun for photos if *all* the bridesmaids and groomsmen have a matching tall stool to pose with during posed photos)
Also, your mom needs to know how dangerous it is to faint. It sounds so benign, but losing consciousness from a standing position is VERY DANGEROUS.
Creating a photogenic set of things for all the bridesmaids and groomsmen on stage (it CAN be done, I guarantee this) to lean or 'perch' on during the ceremony, like pretty columns or something - even leaning is easier than simply standing. It could also be a decorated railing in front of all the bridesmaids (gotta be solid though, of course)
A cane (they can be decorated!) because you will have to shift your weight and lean on something and if it's not a chair/stool, it's a cane or a wheelchair
I know you said it's going to be winter, but you should probably be prepared for the heat in the building to be turned up. If you're sensitive to heat or humidity, you'll need a small battery operated fan to hide on the floor behind some flowers or something (or a tiny battery operated fan in your bouquet)
Foundational shapewear! If you aren't too uncomfortable with tight fabrics, get yourself a nice tight corset-like undergarment and full leg compression tights. Get them blood vessels SQUISHED!
Pump up your blood volume in the days before the wedding. I understand you won't want to be pumping the hydration just before the wedding (can't be needing to pee during the ceremony), but if you really work on it for a few days, it'll help you coast better the day of.
No alcohol or staying up late the week of the wedding. It'll for sure sabotage you if you're dealing with the effects of alcohol or sleep deprivation
Non drowsy antihistamines, vitamin c and other mast cell related boosts ahead of time can help reduce stress on your autonomic nervous system. The less your immune system is stressed about, the easier it will be to keep a lid on the POTS. So also be wearing well fitting N95 masks in the lead up to the wedding. Catching a cold or COVID, no matter how mild, can mess you up and make standing the worrrrssst
A beautiful corsage to disguise a heart rate monitor on your wrist, so you can keep an eye on things and prevent tachycardia if at all possible
Don't skip meals, please!
If you need heels, can they be wedges? Those are easier to stand on if you must wear heels
Are you close with the rest of the wedding party? Are they aware of your condition? You can always unionize, even to the point of coordinating whole wedding party sitting signal to make it look intentional and good for photographs. If you're gonna go down, everyone should go with you, lol
Good luck, I hope your Mom can understand what this condition really means about your health. A good mom would never want to risk her child's health for a few photographs. I hope she's a good mom. â¤ď¸
Wow, you have so much helpful advice, luckily my two sisters are in the wedding party and they are there to help. I'll have to chat to the bride because I tried standing for 10 min and I got exhausted
I have hyper POTS, so start looking like a red lobster (from all the norepinephrine) after 5-10 minutes, which would ruin any photo shoot more than a chair would.
Sheâs not respecting who you are, what you need, and what your constraints are.
But Iâd offer wearing compression leggings under the bridesmaid dress as a compromise. đ¤Ł
The brand I wear is no longer being sold, so I don't know exactly how strong their compression is, but similar to the Old Navy PowerChill ones. This is light to moderate compression. For me, without meds, that can make a 20bpm difference in my heart rate while walking up a hill (167 -> 145).
If she thinks you sitting is gonna be unphotogenic, go on Amazon and if you can spend 60 bucks on the cheapest walker there is. It comes in bright blue. Feel free to add glitter and stickers if you want. Tell her you canât stand for 40 mins and itâs either a discrete chair or tall stool or you can lean against a walker for the whole time. People that are ableist like your mom would rather you sit than see you being ill, plus youâll need the walker for the rest of the event if youâre passing out and canât walk.
That doesnât sound like someone whoâs worth putting yourself through that. Sounds like she cares more about optics than your well-being. Iâm sorry this is happening, you deserve better.
They sell little collapsible stools that you sort of lean on which could help take some weight off your legs. If she doesnât want you seated, she probably wonât like this either, but itâs a good compromise especially since you need this accommodation for your health.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01G6958CI/ref=sspa_mw_detail_0?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=A1XXJMBQPCOV2C&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9kZXRhaWwp13NParams
Can you bring a little cane stool with you and make sure to have extra salt and water and do some pacing? https://www.amazon.com/LALEO-Capacity-Portable-Adjustable-Aluminum/dp/B09P6FS42C/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?keywords=cane+stool&qid=1686080965&sr=8-4
What happens to you when you stand for 40 minutes? Sincerely asking, because everyone with POTS is different. And knowing what you're worried about could help guide solutions (and also help open up the conversation with your mum).
Well, she can plan to be upstaged when you pass out đ¤ˇââď¸
THIS.
Lollll
Upstaged??? Man every time Iâve passed out around people who werenât family, I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. That just wouldnât be an option for me𤣠itâs always at the worst moments. Feels like everyoneâs judging so I try my best to prepare and avoid
It might be awkward but you may have to make NOT standing that long a non negotiable. You have a disability, not a random preference.
Does she understand how that's going to make you feel? If it were me I'd never expect a friend or family member to make themselves feel ill over something so frivolous. Is there any way to get her to compromise? 40 minutes is a really long time to be on your feet.
Especially standing still with this medical issue. Recipe for disaster. Compression garments can only do so much.
How bout standing with a cane?
Not really, I understand why she wants her bridesmaids to stand. It looks good in photos
Info: are you standing for 40 minutes while the photos are being taken? If so, might this be managed by talking with the bride and photographer about the shooting list and getting all the ones where you're needed all together or spaced far enough apart that you get to sit down between set ups? If it's 40 mins for the ceremony, then a high stool where you can perch wouldn't be too disruptive and again, if it's about photos then this can be negotiated with the photographer so he knows to take any wide shots at agreed points. If the bride refuses to accommodate you, well that's just sh\*tty. But if you want to be her bridesmaid you might want to look at wearing compression tights under the dress and do A LOT of calf muscle strengthening exercises to help support your veins the mitigate pooling blood. Good luck! You've got this whatever you choose to do! Edit: Just read that the bride is your mum - this is excellent news! Because now all you have to do is explain that you'll faint and all the attention will be off her and on you. And you will milk it for all your worth.
Lol, the problem is I need to stand for the whole ceremony. I'll chat to her though
How long is the ceremony? Iâm an officiant and mine are longer than 15 mins tops. No one wants a super long ceremony.
lol you must not be catholic
Nope. My kids are, I am not.
Will the photos take 40 minutes?
Would she consider having you up there and taking breaks? I understand why sheâd want it this way too but you have a disability. Itâs not right
People who are unwilling to accommodate disabilities are not worthy of you. I hope you figure something out to be more comfortable. đ My only idea is a tall stool, which seems against the rules.
I wonder if they can adjust where you stand in the bridesmaids lineup and then have a seat reserved for you in the first row. Either way the bride should be open to accommodations.
Maybe, they said I could sit in the pews if I needed to. It just sucks if I have to leave my sister's the other bridesmaids up there
I wonder if they can get a tall bar stool for you to sit on so you're not significantly lower than everyone else.
If I were the one planning, it would make more sense to incorporate barstools for the whole wedding party and then have the couple standing front & center Could really add to photos while also being accessible & accommodating to POTS. (Now I'm a little concerned about my own wedding, though lol)
There is no way I could stand still for 40 minutes. Also, if it's hot that will make you feel worse. It's pretty unfair and unrealistic to ask someone with POTS to stand that long and not be willing to negotiate. If it were me, I would have a conversation with the bride and tell her your limits. If she isn't willing to accommodate your disability then I would not be willing to be a bridesmaid anymore. A seat in the front row or a stool to sit on is not that big of a deal. Yes it's her day but never put your health at risk for someone who doesn't care at all about your safety. She will regret this decision if you pass out.
Luckily it's winter here I'll chat to her about all the bridesmaids sitting so it doesn't look awkward
I'm glad it's cooler where you are. It's very warm in Canada right now. I hope it goes well. If it were my wedding I wouldn't care about how it looks. Maybe for a few pictures but for 40 minutes is ridiculous. I hope it goes well.
Thx, I'll updat3 you in 2 weeks as to whether I passed out and stole the showđ¤Ł
Lol, I really hope you don't. I would love an update. I will be thinking of you.
I think the idea of it looking awkward is so silly. Itâs a disability. Itâs just part of who you are. Would she avoid having any bridesmaids who use wheelchairs because it would âlook awkward?â Super ableist, honestly.
I had to do this and first off if she says 40 minutes itâs going to be an hour and fortyâŚ. Secondly, focus on footwear. I made the mistake of wearing heels and by the end of the ceremony I was almost in tears, and not for the happy couple. I couldnât enjoy the ceremony and Iâm quite sure I had a stinky look on my face because of all the pain I was in.
Ig but all the bridesmaids are wearing heels, I do look fabulous in them thoughđ¤Ł
Thatâs ridiculous. I was a bridesmaid for my best friend before I was officially diagnosed. They setup a wheelchair where I would be positioned so I had the option to sit if needed (and I did). Anyone who puts aesthetics over someoneâs health and safety is not worth it. They can have a taller stool like a barstool to keep you at a similar height if that matters so much but not accommodating you is unacceptable. If you faint sheâll end up blaming you and claiming you made her wedding about you.
My tip would honestly be to skip the wedding bc someone who makes accommodations I need for my health non negotiable is not someone I need in my life. This is really bad, on her end.
I can't, it's my mom's wedding
Wait, your MOM says this is non-negotiable?!
Well... she's still unfamiliar with all of this and doesn't think that it will look good in the photos
Itâs not going to look good _to her guests_ if youâre harmed because you stood too long and had a fall. Especially if the compassionate ones find out you would have been okay if you had a chair to sit in gracefully. Bad optics and bad feels all around. :( Itâs not going to feel good when she thinks about her wedding if you get hurt because you stood up for pretty pictures. If she cares for you, the specter of âI didnât listen to my child and they were hurt on my wedding dayâ is gonna loom when she thinks about her wedding. I understand that your mom doesnât understand yet. She may be upset because youâre sick, and she doesnât want you to be sick, and she wants to pretend things are normal. It will be a much more normal day if she gives you a chair, with some posed photos where youâre standing.
Ask her if she really wants some photos of you on the floor and guests looking over at you.
As a point: falling from fainting isn't the worst thing that can happen. Often there are things like stages and places to fall *onto* that are more dangerous. [This is an example in a video about POTS (and fainting generally) about a woman who broke her jaw and cheek bone in a fall from fainting.](https://youtu.be/P5xSgiwueHw?t=1303)
Ouchhhh poor woman
Oh hell. I'm so, SO sorry your mom isn't willing to discuss accommodations for your health.
I'll chat to her, you have all given me some good talking points đ
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
Before I was diagnosed and when my symptoms were just starting to get bad I had to do thisâŚthe slight nervousness of walking down the aisle in front of other people caused a full blown adrenaline rush and for the 10 or so minutes of standing before we all sat in the pews I truly thought I was going to collapse and cause a scene. Had I known more about what was going on Iâm sure the bride would have been accommodating, I was just so new in it at the time I had no idea what to expect. If this is you I would definitely recommend talking to the bride openly - agreed with everyone else that it shouldnât have to get to that point, but if she understands that itâs a choice between you potentially collapsing over providing an accommodation maybe sheâll be more understanding :/ Also, not sure what your exact scenario is but if you can time your meds appropriately on the day of it might help a bit (e.g. if youâre on propranolol, take it 30 mins to an hour ahead of the ceremony so itâll be in full effect - thatâs what I might try to do if it were me now). Best of luck đđ
I'll try explain to her thx
I was at a wedding recently where the holder for the bridesmaids bouquets was a hidden flask with a straw at the back. Idk if you could use one of these with an electrolyte drink and that could help? The maid of honor found them on amazon and wrapped a colored ribbon around them and they were not noticeable at all. I have it mentally bookmarked for the next wedding Iâm in lol
Ooh interesting never heard of it thx
This is so cool! Do you happen to have a photo or link?
[here is a website for the product!](https://flaskyflowers.com/products/flasky-flowers)
Then you canât be a bridesmaid. Bride will have to find someone else. You are important. Your basic needs are important. (I understand that weddings are crazy and wrought with weird family and friend dynamics. If you have to bow out and get asked about it, you only need to smile sweetly and say âoh I had a conflictâit was too bad.â Just leave it and move on. Thereâs no reason to waste any of your energy on this.)
It's my mom's wedding so not really possible
Argh. Well, thatâs a pickle. How is your pots being treated currently? If you arenât on medication, now is probably the time to try it. Start practicing standing a few times a day. Iâm really hoping the wedding isnât like next week but itâs summer soooo ugh. Do it next to a wall so you can lean if you have too. Start with as long as you can stand without feeling symptomatic. Add 15 seconds everyday. Support stockings will help if thatâs acceptable. Get the kind that are super high waisted. You want them to go up and over the abdomen. If the bridesmaids are bare-legged a support garment over just the abdomen will help. Make sure youâre well hydrated with plenty of electrolytes the day of the event. Everyone has their favorites on this sub. You may need to do a trial run or two to figure out the balance between âwell hydratedâ and âomg i have to pee in the middle of the wedding.â Donât drink the night before. Iâll try to think of something else. But a trial run seems like a good idea just to make sure you can do itâŚ.
I'm not on any medication I do use compression socks an I increased my salt and fluid intake like my cardiologist said. But I'll try practice standing
You can talk to your cardiologist about trying medication.
I take Propanolol PRN when I know I need to be active. Ask your doctor.
Down a cold electrolytes drink right before the ceremony. It triggers your blood pressure to increase after about 15 minutes and the effect lasts about an hour.
It is possible. You tell your mom you physically can't do it, and that if you can't sit, you won't be there. If you don't think you can muster the courage for it, print out this post and its comments, and let the rest of us tell her how selfish she's being about her photos being more important than her daughter's health and safety. I was a bridesmaid for a former friend. I ruined my health for bridezilla and she didn't even bother to take any pictures of just us together. I wasn't healthy enough to do all the traditional bridesmaid duties, so I was just in the background in their very large bridal party. She did have chairs for ALL of the bridal party to sit so I wouldn't stand out as the only person sitting, so there's that. But I went to the ER twice - maybe even the third time that year - because I didn't know I had POTS back then and didn't know what was making me sick - because of *her* bridal party nonsense and having to be there for her for *hours* for the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner and then arrive at the wedding location in the morning for the nighttime ceremony. I fell apart at the reception, having to leave shortly after the cake was cut, my husband rushing me back to the bridal suite where the bridesmaids had all gotten dressed, sitting on the floor of the bathroom sobbing in pain. I ended up in the hospital the next day. I never told her because I didn't want to ruin her wedding and honeymoon. Turns out she blamed me for leaving the reception without telling her. I cut her out of my life for unrelated reasons, but this was part of my thinking. She never even noticed the sacrifices I made that permanently reduced my ability to function, blaming me for ruining *things* for her, when it was my body in ruins. Your mom can accommodate you, or she can live with the fact that she put wedding photos before your health.
I'm sorry you went through that, now that's what I call a bridezilla. I think I'll have to insist on the bridesmaids sitting in chairs
I hope that works. Chairs or barstools should work just fine.
If she really insists on all the bridesmaids standing that longâmaybe tell her you canât be a bridesmaid, but youâll sit in the front row during the ceremony and pose for some pictures with her and your family. Or maybe thereâs another role you could take on with less standingâwalking her down the aisle and then you take a seat, etc.
Does the bride know and understand that you have a medical condition that will cause disabling symptoms and/or result in you losing consciousness if you stand for too long? If not, then thoroughly explain this to her. If she is well aware of this and is still demanding you do it, then my tip is to immediately drop out of a wedding for someone who is clearly a selfish bridezilla who believes sheâs totally justified in completely abandoning empathy and human decency because âiTâs HeR dAy!â A truly good person doesnât want or expect someone else to put their health at risk, make themselves feel terrible, and potentially end up with a months-long flare of a chronic illness for ANY reason. Not to mention literally putting your life at risk if you faint and are therefore in danger of a serious or fatal head injury.
We are pretty new to this and everyone is still trying to wrap their heads around my diagnosis
Iâve passed out as a bridesmaid in a wedding. My uncle caught me. It happens with some frequency to normies, too.
Reallyyy... oof something to look forward to đ
Yeah, I've been to two weddings where someone in the wedding party passed out, and I don't think either of them had POTS!
why not have all the bridesmaids sit in like, florally decorated chairs? standing for 40 minutes sounds exhausting, POTS or no POTS.
I'll propose that idea thanks
I also read in some other comments that your mom seems confused about POTS. I recommend googling âPOTS for parentsâ. I found a lot of great articles to send to my own parents.
Can you use a support like a chair? Like lean against it?
I'll try ask to stand next to the arch thing to hold on to
I would just tell her your limit for how long you can stand and if there's no accommodation that she can make, then you can't be a bridesmaid. If you have to stand through the ceremony, are you even going to be able to attend the reception?
I don't think I'll have much energy for the reception but maybe I'll take a nap and it may make me feel better
That's a really good point. I stood in my brother's wedding a few years ago, before my POTS got worse. The standing itself was okay for me, but it was a very long day, and I ended up having a panic attack at the reception (I was overstimulated and exhausted, plus had been standing a lot, and those trigger panic attacks for me with hyperPOTS). Things that helped me get through most of the day: - flat, supportive shoes - compression leggings (it was a winter wedding, fortunately) - going outside when I got too warm - taking breaks - sitting when I had the opportunity - staying on top of my regular meds and taking rescue meds when needed - avoiding alcohol, sugar, and caffeine - drinking lots of water - good sleep the night before - talking with my brother and his wife ahead of time to understand which parts were most important for me to participate in, so I could pace myself and prioritize those parts If I had a do-over, I would: - bring more snacks and electrolytes for myself - take more breaks to lie down in a quiet room or outside - sit whenever it was feasible - bring noise canceling headphones as well as earplugs - lower my expectations (for example, I was hoping to dance at the reception, but that wasn't realistic, and I felt disappointed and ashamed when I couldn't) - have a plan for leaving early, if I needed it - have a designated support person (my aunt ended up being amazing, but we didn't set that up in advance)
Thanks for the adviceđ
Could you ask for an extra chair in the front row? You could put water and a salty snack and sit when you need to!
Maybe I'll keep a salt shaker on međ¤Ł
Okay, first of all, make sure that your actual needs are \*understood\* because not allowing accommodations is pretty ableist and disrespectful of you, someone whom they are supposed to care about! If you're going forward anyway, they need to have a seat available for you jic, or you're risking fainting and hurting yourself. That's not okay! And I'm sure that'll be more of an interruption to their "aesthetic" than having someone sit! They can even do something like a tall stool and cover it in colour-coordinated fabric so it's not so visible if that's so important. If YOU \*really want\* to be standing you have some things you can do to last longer at it. Compression garments (and I mean garmentS! You can get compression shirts, shorts, stockings, Spanx, you name it!) can help a lot with keeping your BP up. Make sure you are SUPER hydrated using something like Nuun Sport that has lots of sodium/electrolytes in it. Fidgeting helps a ton, for example coming up on your toes and back down, squeezing your leg and tush muscles and relaxing them intermittently, shifting weight foot to foot. Crossing your legs (can be challenging in standing for balance!) can help keep blood going uphill by squeezing your muscles, without having to fidget quite as much. Ask to have AC/fans going strong to keep things cool so that you aren't overheating and vasodilating and risking blood pooling worse. Having something you can lean on also may help with not feeling light-headed.
I read this to my hubby out loud and he said, âGet another bride.â Then he muttered, âF$&king peopleâŚâ as he walked out the door.
Oof, your husbandđ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł
you cant have a cane, rollator or wheelchair?
I only recently got my diagnosis so I haven't gotten any mobility aids yet
i totally understand! you can get cheap canes at walmart, lowes, CVS, walgreens. rollators are more expensive to invest in. you could look for one second hand on FB marketplace or something of the like(maybe some disability FB groups too. someone might have one they are selling or giving away) if you have the extra money for something for expensive than cane.
I want one of those cool canes though ones with knives in the handle. Ig I'll have to find it before the wedding đ¤Ł
This place sells them! [https://fashionablecanes.com/pages/search-results-page?q=blade](https://fashionablecanes.com/pages/search-results-page?q=blade)
Did you know they have standing chairs? I ran into the same problem awhile back just not for a wedding. Iâd say prep as best you can as far as remembering your meds if you have any, plenty of salt and water, compression garments etc. The standing chair can be hidden if youâre wearing a long dress. Best of luck to you! I know how embarrassing it is to pass out in front of people. I hope you can avoid it.
Tell her you need a chair and if it ruins her aesthetic then tell her that youâll have to sit in the audience then or not come. Itâs crazy how angry people get over this itâs not like we chose to live this way weâre looking out for ourselves. If you fall down or hit your head on the floor hope sheâs ready for a lawsuit
Ig but I only recently got my diagnosis so everyone is pretty new to this
Iâm sorry the bride isnât being very understanding. I was literally a bridesmaid yesterday and it was 90 degrees and outside, It wasnât super smooth, but I didnât pass out and actually felt OK, so itâs possible to do, But I was only outside for the ceremony and pictures, the rest was inside and my pots is most likely secondary to a CSF leak, and that was recently fixed so Iâm not having nearly as a bad a time, so some of the things I did might not help enough. Anyways, since you said your diagnosis is new, some things to try beforehand to see if they help: drinks lots of electrolyte drinks, like way more than normal when getting ready. I drank 6 body armor bottles and a Gatorade for the salt, as body armor doesnât have that much salt. Personally, day to day my POTs doesnât seem to benefit much from pounding fluids, but I did the day of in preparation and it helped a ton (I didnât think to do so for the rehearsal and that was rough). Another thing to try is compression. Knee high compression socks donât do a ton, but thigh and abdominal compression do wonders. I wore Jobst ultra sheer thigh highs, they came to the tops of my thighs. I also had firm shapewear on for abdominal compression. With these things, and sitting down when I needed to, it went OK.
Talk to your mom. You mentioned that she doesn't fully understand your condition. I sincerely hope she's receptive to your disability. It needs to be understood that you can't do that without fainting & potentially hurting yourself. Maybe she can have a stool for you to sit on. It could be decorated in ribbons & flowers that match her wedding theme. If she can't handle that, it's possible that your mother is a narcissist. If your health isn't more important than optics at her wedding, you may need to take a step back from the relationship. My father is a narcissist. It took me years to come to terms with that. Eventually, you need to decide what's more important. Your mental & physical health, or their ego. I wish you all the best & hope your mother understands.
since everyone is saying just skip, here are some tips. 1) Insoles, because I swear once pots developed my feet got tired faster 2) compression socks, you can order them in nude off of amazon to hide them and can be under your outfit 3) Before standing make sure youâre hydrated and had maybe a salty snack before so your body doesnât have an excuse to be mean 4) Donât get into your head about how it will make you feel that will only make it worse, I do it a lot 5) You should be distracted by the wedding so that will help a lot with symptoms too 6) I know this is something you cant do most likely but make sure youre cool. Over heating make our symptoms work so if its an outside wedding light light layers as much as possible with what youre told to wear if itâs inside maybe request AC to be low if possible if not I would not stand or do much until you are needed.
Thank you, this was really helpful
A tall stool should be ok. Youâd look like you were standing and really⌠your disability trumps her desires.
Absolutely not! If this canât be accommodated, drop out. Thereâs no reason you canât sit down and just occasionally stand for photos if you need to. However, the ONLY thing thatâs ever allowed me to stand longer was pantyhose. Very thick ones.
Compression pantyhose or regular?
They make compression stocking things that are really similar to a thick pantyhose. I was recently in a wedding and the dress had a slit to almost mid thigh so my usual compression socks would not work. I used Jobst ultra sheer thigh highs and they helped quite a bit, along with pounding electrolyte drinks beforehand and wearing abdominal compression (ultra firm abdominal shapewear)
In my case they were regular pantyhose but I imagine compression would work too :)
Interesting, I'll be sure to try it
So sorry if youâve already answered this but I havenât seen it answered yet - how long do you have before the wedding? There are some pretty cool crystal-clear lucite walking sticks out there that could help you feel more supported and balanced while not being so obvious in photos! Sending hugs, that situation is real hard to navigate and Iâve been there too. đ¤
Two weeks
You might have enough time to find one that you like! I know itâs not that easy and thereâs also the fact of dealing with othersâ responses to it.
Ik, I don't think I'm ready for a mobility aid just yet, ik I need one but I can't do it mentally rn
And thatâs totally valid! đ¤
ThxđĽ°
I wore high waisted compressions tights for the two weddings I was in. Then sat for most of the receptions!
Well your health is non negotiable, so⌠her move!
No you donât. The bride is an ableist shithead.
I was just in my sisters wedding and I said to her I either need to sit down during the ceremony or Iâll faint and become rly unwell. She agreed I walked done the isle and then sat down I also used my walking stick. If she truly wants you in the party sheâll accomodate for you.
I've decided to rediscuss the necessity of a chair
Would she ask you to stand if you were in a wheelchair?
i was also a bridesmaid in april and it was only like 10 minutes and i had a hard time. if you need to sit, PLEASE do. i cant believe she would choose the aesthetic of her wedding over her own bridesmaids health. pots is no joke and she needs to realize that. if i were you, i would talk to her again bc 40 minutes is WAY too long. me and most ppl with pots i know pass out at the 15 minute mark of standing. you really need to talk some since into her or say you wont be in her wedding
Tall stool to sit on during the ceremony? Stand when they take group pictures? Standing for 40 minutes isnât going to work, even the best compression isnât going to make you feel okay for that long.
Nothing is worse to me than having to stand still for an extended period. Itâs so painful. I almost fainted at my own wedding, which was prior to my POTS diagnosis, so I didnât understand why standing still was so excruciating. Is your dress long? Can you sneak compression gear under it? If not, Iâd recommend downing electrolyte drinks before hand and âbox breathingâ for the duration of the ceremony. I donât see why you canât sit in a cute chair though. đ¤ˇââď¸
I can wear compression garments, what is box breathing?
Box breathing is something my neurologist recommended. Basically, you count to four seconds while inhaling, so one long, slow breath. Then hold it for four seconds. Then exhale slowly for four seconds. Repeat.
are you able to use compression garments or a cane?
I'll use my compression socks but I have pretty low grade ones and the high grade ones are expensiveee
Perhaps compression stockings? You can get very thick ones from the pharmacy that go all the way up to the waist. You could also use a cane to lean on
Salt and electrolytes. Light yoga before. Tighten and release thigh muscles while youâre standing with her.
Spanx open bust mid thigh body suit! Extra firm option⌠I swear by it
Already got a pair I'll definitely wear it then thanks
Donât lock your knees!
Thanks, does that make it worse?
Yes! Iâve seen a bunch of videos of members of the wedding party fainting during the ceremony. There are always a ton of comments about keeping your knees loose. Apparently locking them massively restricts blood flow to the upper body.
Talk about accommodations? Iâm also participating in the demon bait for a friends wedding and sheâs putting chairs for the entire party to sit during the ceremony. Itâs an incredible way to not feel singled out while accommodating! đ
If possible, wear compression socks
Yup, I'm going to
The other thing Iâd maybe recommend is wearing a corset under your clothes. Iâm allergic to stretchy fabrics so compression socks arenât a great option for me. I own a very nice corset. It helps me with blood pooling in my stomach. I definitely feel less lightheaded when I wear it but a corset probably wonât help much with blood pooling in your feet from standing thoughâ compression socks will help more with that. I know a lot of people on here made a big deal about you standing for 40 min. I donât think itâs always an issueâ itâs dependent on your ability to do so. *Your friends, family, and anyone who genuinely cares about you should be supportive and accommodating of a legitimate health problem / potential disability. If a person cares about you, they should care about your health, wellbeing, and safety*. I personally donât feel great standing for an hour but I can do it (I rarely faint though). However, if itâs hot, I will start fainting. If youâll faint, especially when youâre hot, Iâd probably not consider the corset because they can hold in heat. If you run cold, they can help keep you warmer.
I was just worrying about my own future bridesmaid experience and saw this haha! I might ask for a stool behind me just in case. I am opting for a jumpsuit instead of a dress anyways since Iâm non-binary but also realized that means I can wear my compression stockings underneath without showing!
I'm also wearing a jumpsuit, I don't always feel comfortable in dresses on some days so I planned aheadđ¤Ł
Way cool! I think jumpsuits should be more in style hehe. I just talked to my friend and she said the ceremony would only be 10-15 minutes but she would happily put a chair up there for me just in case; but I think Iâll be okay for that long with compression socks.
Im in the same boat! Compression body suit under dress, get an IV the day before or morning of (they have Mobile companies that will come to you in most cities) practice every day to build stamina depending on how far away the wedding is (of course we cant push ourselfs too hard), opt into more of a.platform/wedge than a stiletto if need be they are waaayyy easier to walk in. Oh! and since most of us live with a smart watch on 24/7 get a decorative/fancy band to blend it in as jewelery not a visible heart monitor lol For photos, they have these collapsible stools that look like disk/Frisbys and can fit in large purses. Mine fits in my Kate spade for reference. If your doing a long photo shoot and need a break it's a great option instead of lugging a real chair around. Bridesmaid activities, educate the bride squad! :) most people are very understanding once they know, also if need to go to clubs/batch trips opt in for seated clubs or renting sections so you can come but have guaranteed seating. Also talk to the bride or MOH about plans so your not blindsided by any limitations.
my own opinion, regardless of if its your momâs wedding you either need a barstool, if sheâs that concerned with aesthetics, its taller so it wonât look as out of place. a place to sit in general or you shouldnt be in the wedding. you cant put your health above *aesthetic* now that is non-negotiable, and no heels for the ceremony. wear some flats or something in the same color as heels. your going to really have to put your foot down on this one and tell her to get her head out of her butt.
also super important: even people without pots pass out alot in weddings due to locking their legs so keep your legs kind of bent or step in place
Thx, I'll be sure to remember that
I was in my friendâs wedding before I was officially diagnosed and they shifted the ceremony around a bit so the whole wedding party sat for a few minutes mid ceremony(it was my fourth time being in a wedding and no one wants to stand the whole time if the ceremony is over 20 minutes). There were some more religious aspects so basically we were standing for the âweddingâ parts and sitting for the âchurchyâ parts. I was the tallest bridesmaid so we were arranged by height so I could step back and sit if I had to without it being a weird visually. Photos are usually pretty easy as long as the photographer is good at wrangling and has a shot list from the couple. But thatâs really going to depend on the photographer.
I think the ideal scenario would be you not standing for 40 minutes! I would probably faint about 20 minutes in. Standing still for long stretches of time is the one of the worst things you can do for POTS. You could get seriously injured if youâre pushing yourself too hard and faint. If youâre going to try and figure out how to do it Iâd recommend compression pants, drinking a lot of pedialyte and taking salt pills. Make sure you have a full stomach and are properly hydrated
Donât lock your knees, it restricts blood flow and will make you dizzier/more exhausted much more quickly.
It sounds like you're already planning to talk with your mom about accommodations. That seems wise--good luck! Since you said you're new to this diagnosis, I'll just chime in that I would focus on full (toe to waist) compression. If you can't afford the medical grade compression tights (like Sigvaris or Juzo or Mediven, all of which are sometimes covered by insurance and look like nylons), you should be able to find mildly compressive nylons for cheaper. In which case you could layer them with Spanx for extra abdominal compression + the highest compression knee highs you can find. Then just before the ceremony, chug a bunch of water (assuming you've recently peed and aren't setting yourself up for yet another form of discomfort). And if you have to stand throughout the ceremony, wiggle your toes, clench and unclench your leg muscles, and make sure your knees aren't locked. Basically, just keep engaging your leg muscles as much as possible --they will help keep your blood moving back up and reduce the burden on your heart.
Thanks, this was helpfulđ
tell her to rent you a wheelchair then for the day, your disability isnât magically going to go away
Lol
Compression shorts, chug electrolytes and take salt pills before.
have you tried compression socks? they help me so much. i will never try to make it through an airport without them again.
I do, I just don't think that I'll be able to stand for that long with them
You need to explain to the bride that you cannot turn off your disability for her wedding, and if she wants you to stand the whole time that youâll probably pass out in the middle of their vows.
Why 40 minutes? I donât think Iâve been to a ceremony that lasted more than 15 minutes. For everything in between, you can have a stool to take breaks in between photos and whatnot
She wants to do a bunch of ceremonial things during the ceremony
This might be one of those times where you have to be the one that makes a change, not the bride. I think sitting on the first pew once the rest of the attendees are seated after the procession is a good plan. So you can walk up the aisle and stand there until the bride is there, and stand back up and join them at a certain point.
Working out, especially the legs which pump the blood back north has almost eliminated my daughters pots. Although she never pasted out, she definitely had it and was diagnosed at a cardiologist. Compression stockings will help. Salt of course. Good luck
I had the same issue as you two years ago where i couldn't stand/walk for more than 5 minutes. I was so worried and depressed but deep down in my mind i convinced myself that i have to walk again. I took some antidepressants and increased my salt intake a little bit. I have been wearing stocks socks for like a month and i saw a huge progress now i can normally walk and stand. I still see have some episodes of dizziness and imbalance but its tolerable. My advice for you is to check your neck because POTS is usually linked to neck issues.
But can you sit for long periods
Try get a few chairs for the bridesmaids and you stand in between the other two bridesmaids and have them link arms with you to support you while standing
Maybe [this aide](https://www.dirtytwirl.com/) could be a subtle solution if youâre facing the audience? It would have to be decorated or under your dress. It isnât the most cost effective, though. :( could be an investment for future use, however! In situations like that I go ham on the salt tablets, slide on compression socks, and pray. I have been blessed with a lot of accommodating people and if it were me, I would ask the bride to put me at the back so I can stand at the beginning and the end and quietly sit down in the front row in between. If anyone other than the bride has a problem with that they can take it up with HR.
Maybe see if you can get to an iv spa the morning of or day before.They can be pricey but can be really helpful for some people And figuring out how to stand. Like if you stand in particular way it may be worse or better. If you have any hypermobilty issues this is especially important But depending on you tendency to pass out or have debilitating flares it may be better to sit in the pews for safety. I personally have not passed out but standing for that amount of time would probably push me to that level so itâs really about your particular body and how it responds to different things
I think an iv will be a good idea
When I was in a wedding they just had the whole wedding party sit on bar stools on stage, since they knew I couldn't stand. Only the couple getting married were standing. It looked great in the photos. Also I'm pretty sure that everyone else, especially the people in heels, really appreciated not having to stand too!
NTA
Lol
I honestly wouldn't go. Accompanying our needs with things like this is important, and if your family isn't ready to do that, I honestly feel they don't actually want you there. It also sounds like the bride only cares for the "perfect photos" instead of the actual memories of having her family and friends involved in a huge life event for them....
I'm about to be this person too. I'll be hydrating like hell, shooting a liquid IV right beforehand, and finding every opportunity to sit otherwise. It isn't necessary that I stand during the ceremony, she'll give me a chair if I ask for it, but I've never passed out and I'm willing to suffer the discomfort.
Tell them you won't take part in a wedding with someone who hates disabled people
Would standing be non-negotiable if you were in a wheelchair? Itâs a disability, not a preferenceâŚ
If she is aware of your medical condition and unwilling to accommodate she isn't your friend and you deserve better.
Ig she's trying she made sure we were wearing boots so that I could wear my compression socks
I wouldn't call that an accommodation if you're saying you can't stand for that long. I think if you're comfortable sharing more information with the bride if she isn't aware of what could happen if you stand for that long id advise that
I'll try, I don't want to make the wedding all about me
Hello! Iâm so sorry the bride is being unaccommodating. I had to deal with the same thing last year. I contacted the wedding coordinator and informed them of my medical condition. I made sure that there was a chair to stand by for breaks in between photos and also as chair relatively close by during the ceremony so that if I did it get pre-syncope, I would be able to take a seat. I also asked my cardiologist if it would be OK to have two lactated ringers( Iâve read that they work better than plain saline for pots) on the morning of the wedding. I felt like I didnât have pots. I also used abdominal compression, and that helped a lot too. I would run it by one of your medical professionals before having fluids. My doctor told me that not everyoneâs heart can handle additional fluids. I hope it works out for you.
Interesting, I'll chat to my doctor about iv
you could potentially get this from one of those mobile IV drip places too
Yes, please do ask if they think it would be safe. While you can get them at the IV clinic and bars, we donât know anything about your medical history, and certain medical conditions are contraindicated for IV fluids. But more importantly, abdominal compression helps keep the blood from pooling in your lower half and gets more blood back to your brain. Itâs the most helpful thing I include every day that keeps me from feeling dizzy and helps me be more functional. Even better if you could pair it with compression stockings or socks on your feet and legs.
The options are: Your mom learning about your physical disability (I stg I am willing to talk on the phone for this kind of thing and I never talk on the phone to anyone!) and agreeing to let you have a comfortable tall stool to support you (it can actually be cute and fun for photos if *all* the bridesmaids and groomsmen have a matching tall stool to pose with during posed photos) Also, your mom needs to know how dangerous it is to faint. It sounds so benign, but losing consciousness from a standing position is VERY DANGEROUS. Creating a photogenic set of things for all the bridesmaids and groomsmen on stage (it CAN be done, I guarantee this) to lean or 'perch' on during the ceremony, like pretty columns or something - even leaning is easier than simply standing. It could also be a decorated railing in front of all the bridesmaids (gotta be solid though, of course) A cane (they can be decorated!) because you will have to shift your weight and lean on something and if it's not a chair/stool, it's a cane or a wheelchair I know you said it's going to be winter, but you should probably be prepared for the heat in the building to be turned up. If you're sensitive to heat or humidity, you'll need a small battery operated fan to hide on the floor behind some flowers or something (or a tiny battery operated fan in your bouquet) Foundational shapewear! If you aren't too uncomfortable with tight fabrics, get yourself a nice tight corset-like undergarment and full leg compression tights. Get them blood vessels SQUISHED! Pump up your blood volume in the days before the wedding. I understand you won't want to be pumping the hydration just before the wedding (can't be needing to pee during the ceremony), but if you really work on it for a few days, it'll help you coast better the day of. No alcohol or staying up late the week of the wedding. It'll for sure sabotage you if you're dealing with the effects of alcohol or sleep deprivation Non drowsy antihistamines, vitamin c and other mast cell related boosts ahead of time can help reduce stress on your autonomic nervous system. The less your immune system is stressed about, the easier it will be to keep a lid on the POTS. So also be wearing well fitting N95 masks in the lead up to the wedding. Catching a cold or COVID, no matter how mild, can mess you up and make standing the worrrrssst A beautiful corsage to disguise a heart rate monitor on your wrist, so you can keep an eye on things and prevent tachycardia if at all possible Don't skip meals, please! If you need heels, can they be wedges? Those are easier to stand on if you must wear heels Are you close with the rest of the wedding party? Are they aware of your condition? You can always unionize, even to the point of coordinating whole wedding party sitting signal to make it look intentional and good for photographs. If you're gonna go down, everyone should go with you, lol Good luck, I hope your Mom can understand what this condition really means about your health. A good mom would never want to risk her child's health for a few photographs. I hope she's a good mom. â¤ď¸
Wow, you have so much helpful advice, luckily my two sisters are in the wedding party and they are there to help. I'll have to chat to the bride because I tried standing for 10 min and I got exhausted
I have hyper POTS, so start looking like a red lobster (from all the norepinephrine) after 5-10 minutes, which would ruin any photo shoot more than a chair would. Sheâs not respecting who you are, what you need, and what your constraints are. But Iâd offer wearing compression leggings under the bridesmaid dress as a compromise. đ¤Ł
How strong is the recommendation for the leggings?
The brand I wear is no longer being sold, so I don't know exactly how strong their compression is, but similar to the Old Navy PowerChill ones. This is light to moderate compression. For me, without meds, that can make a 20bpm difference in my heart rate while walking up a hill (167 -> 145).
Tensing and relaxing muscles while I have to stand for a long time helps me.
Thanks, I'll get my toes moving in my bootsđ¤Ł
Talk to the bride about sitting in the front row
If she thinks you sitting is gonna be unphotogenic, go on Amazon and if you can spend 60 bucks on the cheapest walker there is. It comes in bright blue. Feel free to add glitter and stickers if you want. Tell her you canât stand for 40 mins and itâs either a discrete chair or tall stool or you can lean against a walker for the whole time. People that are ableist like your mom would rather you sit than see you being ill, plus youâll need the walker for the rest of the event if youâre passing out and canât walk.
That doesnât sound like someone whoâs worth putting yourself through that. Sounds like she cares more about optics than your well-being. Iâm sorry this is happening, you deserve better.
They sell little collapsible stools that you sort of lean on which could help take some weight off your legs. If she doesnât want you seated, she probably wonât like this either, but itâs a good compromise especially since you need this accommodation for your health. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01G6958CI/ref=sspa_mw_detail_0?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=A1XXJMBQPCOV2C&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9kZXRhaWwp13NParams
You cant sit on a stool at the end of the lineup? If not, I would pass. I hate when Brides act like this.
Can you bring a little cane stool with you and make sure to have extra salt and water and do some pacing? https://www.amazon.com/LALEO-Capacity-Portable-Adjustable-Aluminum/dp/B09P6FS42C/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?keywords=cane+stool&qid=1686080965&sr=8-4
What happens to you when you stand for 40 minutes? Sincerely asking, because everyone with POTS is different. And knowing what you're worried about could help guide solutions (and also help open up the conversation with your mum).