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I have no experience with this, so just a few general thoughts:
1. Continually let them know you love them and support them, always and forever
2. Let them know you will always be a safe and private space - whether that's you providing advice, you just listening, just going out and doing something together or sometimes just sitting in quiet.
3. If they are interested - suggest attending a therapy session with them. No pressure, just put the offer out there so they know it's an option.
4. Set up a therapy session for yourself, spend time on trans reddits, because this is new territory for you - there could be situations that you feel like you are providing good advice but due to your lack of knowledge of their world and changes, it could be harming. You have a lot of emotions, which is understandable, it's a change for you as well. Having your own safe space to express those emotions as well as learning how to help them will be valuable.
I’d also add to this that they should explore the trans *and* the de-trans opinions. And OP should do the same. Both have valuable information and there’s a balance in seeking information from different perspectives.
Downvote all you want. Seeking information from more than one echoed source is part of a critical thinking process. And the stakes are high when it comes to altering the body so I’d make sure to examine every angle of this. Believe it or not, there are opinions that run the whole spectrum within the gender dysphoria community.
I agree with this 100%. I also feel that telling parents that they just have to like it or lump it is unfair. They are allowed to have emotions about it and they are allowed their opinions, as long as they are not hurtful about them.
I have an 18yo trans son, he is also autistic (amongst other things). It seems like we are a bit further along in our journey after he came out (3 years ago) than what you are.
My stance is this is the same child I gave birth to and loved all his life. The only thing that changes (IMO) is that now I know him a little bit better than I did, because he can be him now, and not pretend to be her.
Not going to lie, there have been raised voices over some things, top surgery as a minor was a bone of contention, but he’s an adult now and he has my full support if that’s what he decides to do. Despite my attempts to not deadname him, or use the wrong pronouns, sometimes it would slip out. I would always correct myself, but it hurt him all the same. I did ask for some leeway as I’d spent his entire life calling him his dead name and I just needed to get out of that habit. It doesn’t happen any more, and I correct other people when they use his former name. We have legally changed his name now (I say we, as we filed it when he was still a minor, although it didn’t get finalised until he was over 18 because government processes are slow). Anyway, for him, just that simple thing of a legal name change meant the world to him. The fact that I suggested it and he knew his parents were supportive of it, he said was the icing on the cake as far as him really knowing we were 100% supporting him.
He hasn’t started on hormones or anything else to do with gender affirmation, but that’s not from lack of want or trying, there’s just limited specialists where we are. And with the other things in his life, it’s just not so straight forward.
Counselling has been a must. My husband has been about 95% on board with the support, but he says it’s him, not our son, that he is struggling with. For me it’s just having someone to ask dumb questions to that’s not my son to try understand or empathise with what he’s going through, because I am 100% a straight woman and will never experience what he is personally, but still want to hold his hand throughout as he needs it. Also, my son is happy enough for me to ask him dumb questions too. Aside from thinking it’s funny and showing my obvious lack of knowledge, he says it just reaffirms that I want to know about him, how he is feeling, what his perspective is and so on, rather than just assuming.
My mother and him used to be close. This was the one and only nail in the coffin. She cannot bring herself to say his name without it oozing with sarcasm. Yes he chose his name, but, it’s now legally his name whether she likes it or not. But I also think my mum thinks cause she hooked up with a chick one night when she was really young that she knows all about everything to do with being trans. She’s narcissistic at best though, so we just roll her eyes. When mum first started showing her transphobic tendencies, I warned my son and told him to really consider whether he wanted to pursue a relationship, it was completely up to him. However, the moment there started to be psychological damage, I’d pull the pin until he was an adult because I wasn’t going to deal with the trauma. Let’s add abusive to the list of things my mother is. 5 kids, 9 grandchildren and the only time anyone has anything to do with her is when it’s a formality. So yeah. After years of being close, they haven’t spoken since January. Son’s choice and I stand behind him with no fucks to give toward my mum.
We’ve had ups, we’ve had downs, like I’ve had with my other kids. The trans aspect is just another thing to throw in the mix. I am beyond stressing about other peoples opinions on the matter. It’s none of their business and their opinions don’t count. But, everyone except my mum has been wonderful, even the ones we didn’t think would be. I mean they’ve struggled at times, but patience has won and even they will correct themselves now if they slip. Or ask questions if they don’t know.
Bottom line, this is my kid. I love them with everything I have and them being trans just didn’t change that. As I said. It just gave me a bit more insight into who they really are, not who they were pretending to be for so many years.
I have no real advice, because I think it’s a different experience for everyone, except if you love your child, keep loving them. I can’t speak as a trans person, just as the parent of a beautiful son that was born with the wrong genitalia. Don’t look at this as a negative, rather a way to further get to know them as they find their feet in the world with the real them. It’s not sunshine and rainbows, but then, that’s just life in general. Talk often, tell them you love them and support them and if you don’t understand something, let them know. Honesty is important. And be their biggest ally, they’re going to find some really shitty people in the world and will need to know you are a safe person, and your home is safe place for them.
I’m sorry. This is tough. My dad came out as trans in her 50s. She was married and divorced twice, had 3 kids. Lived a life. But she wasn’t completely happy. She wasn’t her true self. My siblings and I were all adults when she told us she was transitioning. We were supportive, but we also mourned the dad we’d be losing. Over time, we realized our dad was our dad no matter what. We had several happy years together before she passed away in 2019. I’d give anything to have her back. I’m happy to hear your child knows themself enough to know they want to do this at a young age. There’s no right way to do anything in life. Just be there for your child. Be the ally they need. Hopefully with time, they’ll decide to open up to their dad and others and it’ll all be ok. 🏳️⚧️
My daughter came out as trans during Pandemic. She is 38. Yes, it was a shock. We (wife and I) were immediately supportive but, between us, we were concerned for her future. Rightly so, it’s not necessarily a safe world for a trans person. It does take amazing courage and I applaud them for their decision. If you support them, do so openly without regard for the chips that will fall. Many will. But you will have supported your child. That is the right thing to do in this instance. Good Luck!
BTW - said daughter has had surgeries and four years as trans now. She and her wife are extremely happy and settled. I am so happy for them.
This is wonderful to hear. People coming to terms with their gender identity later in life, especially when married, often struggle a lot with external pressure. I'm glad it worked out four your daughter and family.
If this was my kiddo, I’d be worried about them starting to transition before feeling comfortable openly being who they are and being secretive. It might be worth having a conversation about that. Is it secretive out of fear of acceptance? Or? How do they anticipate their transitioning process going? How will the handle questions when people notice changes? I hope these are things their psychiatrist is helping with.
Hard conversations especially when you are just wrapping your head around it. And it could be super easy to come off as non supportive so choosing your words wisely and emphasizing you have their back is important too.
If you aren’t comfortable picking up the meds alone, take them with you and go together.
>If this was my kiddo, I’d be worried about them starting to transition before feeling comfortable openly being who they are and being secretive
This is a reasonable concern, but it's also pretty common (though not universal by any means) for trans folks to go on HRT for a bit before coming out. This is especially true if they're not sure how people around them will react / whether they'll be supportive. It sounds like family acceptance will be a challenge here.
Changes from hormones are slow, they have a lot of time before anything would be noticeable to people around them. It can be easier to be sure of your decision if you've been on HRT for a bit and can speak to the positive mental changes it's caused for you.
That makes sense! I certainly understand the double lives and code switching. Our house is the only supportive house in my teens friend group. I have to be careful what I say around their parents and names I use, so do understand. I still think it’s important for mom to know their answers to the questions in my original post so she can be 100% supportive. It’s what I would ask my kiddo. It would be a guideline for how I support their ideal transition process. “How do you anticipate the transition process going?” Their answer tells me how I can support making that happen for them. “How would you handle questions when people notice changes?” Their answer helps me learn how to handle it when I’m asked about their changes. It opens the door to ask them what they want for my responses to those questions or any expectations they have from me. Also would help me understand how I can help protect them if needed in family gatherings etc. Are there certain people they are afraid of? How can I help lessen contact with that person. Etc.
As a mom of 4, it makes me incredibly sad that you're the only house some kids feel supported in. I am very happy that your house exists however. I can't even imagine not being the safe space for any of my babies. My delightful third kid has expressed feeling like they are in the wrong body at 5, and the pediatrician as well as therapist are all watching this as closely as possible for the time being since kiddo is still so young. They paint their nails and love more feminine clothing, and their dad and I are always supportive. I naively thought all of us parents loved our kids unconditionally, the further I get into parenting the more I realize so many kids don't get that. 💔
My kid wasn’t open to anyone, except the psychiatrist.
Is it wrong for me to say I hope the meds aren’t what they want and they change their mind? Cause that’s how i feel right now. And I feel AWFUL for admitting that.
That's where a therapist for you comes in. They'll let you work through this without judgment and without exposing your kid to those feelings.
I can't stress how helpful a parents' support group is here.
I hope OP sees this and takes you up on it. Free guidance from a professional is unheard of. Thank you for offering ti talk with OP, you have a good heart.
Don’t feel awful. Whether it’s being trans, dating someone you have a strong dislike for, choosing a “pointless” major in school, changing a fundamental religious view… or any of a *thousand* other things, our kids are going to make decisions, have beliefs, and live life in a manner that may run totally counter to our expectations and personal world views.
Being a parent and being that launchpad for an entirely new and unique life to traverse this world.,, complete with their very own belief systems and personalities (which may not match our own) is one of the “hard” parts of being a parent.
I’d have a pretty big issue with any of my kids transitioning, and it would take a while to get used to, and I honestly don’t know how OK I’d be with it… but I’d certainly try, and like you, ask for advice.
You’re not *supposed* to know what to do, and just like it’s their right to find their own unique path, it’s my right to not necessarily be instantly comfortable with that decision.
Let love be your guide. You don’t have to hop on the “transition bandwagon” and fake being OK with it if you’re not. Accept the things you cannot change, love them no matter what, but you don’t need to be a *cheerleader* for every single decision they make… whether that’s wanting to transition or joining a monastery.
I agree. Individuals with autism are also statistically more likely to question their gender and identify as LGBT. It's very important that OP's child feels safe and comfortable talking to their parents without feeling judged. Of course, I'm not at all suggesting that's the case, and OP has shown a lot of care for their child based on the post alone. But young people with neurodivergence often feel misunderstood and can be sensitive to others' body language, especially when opening up about aspects of themselves that are stigmatizing and have social consequences. So that can be a reason why this has been kept private for so long.
I would suggest that OP reaches out to LBGT and mental health organizations that have resources for parents of children who are transgender. It can help OP process their emotions, know what to expect, and identify how to support their child throughout the transition.
Yeah, someone in my family is detrans (MtFtM) and he is autistic and has childhood trauma which he believes all contributed to him transitioning (at around the same age as OP’s son). I think it’s worth exploring those things before making any permanent and irreversible bodily changes.
Interesting, I don't find it a red flag at all. In fact, sort of easier to understand? Studies show a much higher prevalence of gender diversity among ND people (of all ages) than among NT people.
(https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7415151/ )
And in parallel, other studies have found out that 32% of the youth who are autistic have had their gender-identity questioned by medical practitioners, rather than receiving care.
Honestly... I very much doubt it would feel like a solution to have to fight even more to be heard when you already have difficulties with social intercourse AND already feel unheard as a general rule.
Yes this is what autistic people do they mask. We all mask but autistic people are masters at it. They know they are different and want to fit in as much as possible so they mask to fit in..it’s very common! A lot of the times they don’t realize that’s what they are doing.
I think you're right. I think a therapy session joint with kid and on parents own is important. I believe having a period of time appearing the gender they feel they are supposed to be, really living it, would be good. Perhaps a holiday where nobody knows them and just fully immerse into it and experience how they feel. Good for you guys to get some perspective too. No thinking, what will others we know think.
As a good friend put it to me, I support my daughter but I'm still allowed to grieve my son.
As a parent, we picture the best and hopefully most simply happy future for our children. We do this from the day that they exist for us. Having a child who is Trans upsets the script we have written. It doesn't mean we love them less, want less, don't support them, but change is hard for everyone.
Specifically as a parent, you support and love your child no matter what, but you also need time to adjust your mental blueprint too. It's that you ARE ACCEPTING that makes you amazing. Your child is so lucky to have you.
Just my two cents—I think this is a perfect example of why it’s so important as parent to always accept your child as who they are and to do our best to not have an envisioned “mold” or “future blueprint” for them. I only have infants, but I’m raising them under the expectation that who they are might not align with any preconceptions that I might have for them as a parent. Best to operate under a blank slate which leaves plenty of space for them to show you their canvas. :)
The moment I came out to my parents when I was 17, I stopped being myself to them
They were never able to let go of the person they thought I was and forever treated me as if I'd someday backtrack and keep going down the path they thought I should take.
It's hard when a loved one tells you they aren't who you, or even they, thought they were. But the fact that they told you means that you're important to them. I think you already know that, but it bears worth to say.
Hell, my own partner decided to detransition (very complicated story there) after we'd been together for several years. Things changed, and I knew they would, but it was still a pretty significant adjustment.
It's okay if it's tough. You're already a better parent than I ever had, and your kid is very lucky to have you. You've got this, even if it's scary.
Change is scary! The thing I hear from my trans friends is mostly that they want acceptance from their families and they don't want to be the ones their parents process their emotions with around their transition.
Ask your kid what they need from you. Read about trans issues. Vote for politicians that support trans rights. Be a vocal advocate for trans issues if you have peers who are anti trans.
And seriously think about getting a counsellor or therapist of your own (an LGBTQ friendly one) that you can talk to about your anxiety and fear and sadness. You are allowed to have mixed emotions and it sounds like you don't have people close to you who your child is comfortable knowing about their transition so you need to make sure you're getting the support you need to support your child.
These comments can be so disappointing. This subreddit can be too. I’ve seen about 3 parents come to learn how to support their trans children and many responses I see are;
- it’s not real and being trans isn’t a thing children should know
Lack of education for children is dangerous. Ppl exist and to not allow your child to understand this is not good for their development.
- the child is mentally ill and thus cannot be trans
Related to this post, but just because a child has autism doesn’t mean they are an NPC w/ no rationality, thoughts or emotions
- trans people are dangerous or supporting your trans child is “allowing” them to be dangerous
Trans youth suicide is 40% due to lack of support, lack of love, no foundation, and restrictions on social transitioning (hair cuts, new pronouns, a name change [not legal yet in most cases], and maybe HRT in later teenage years). To see a lot of commenters try to fear monger on posts like these is DANGEROUS to the child.
The best a parent can do, especially in this situation (as the child is a legal adult), is tell your child you love them. Offer support and ask what you can do to make them feel more comforted. You can see if you can help them find a gender specialist who can help them understand if this is truly what they want and support groups in communities. To act as if a child doesn’t know who they are or what they are all the time dismisses the child’s emotional development and trust in you.
Sure, less than 1% de-transition, but about 98% of that 1% de-transition due to lack of support, love, or acceptance by close family and friends. Only a VERY VERY VERY small fraction de-transition due to the path not being for them; AND THAT IS OKAY!! People shouldn’t be afraid that their child went on a journey to learn about themselves. Transitioning will not happen *snap* just like that. It will take years for acceptance from any doctor, they will ask you to go to therapy, they will see if this IS what you want but even then they usually only do that when the child has medical autonomy over themselves to accept or deny surgery/medical intervention for anything (where I am that age is 16).
Love your child, support them, acknowledge you hear and see them and ask questions if you are curious about stuff. Change is scary, imagine how scary it is for your children to be so vulnerable w/ you too. This is a massive step towards their true authentic happiness in their lives and they invited you on their journey. That’s an honour.
I hope things go well, you got this.
OP, I just wanted to correct one very common misconception. Gender-affirming care that relies on synthetic hormones IS reversible. Given that your child is past puberty, they would have to be on the drugs for a long time to have permanent effects. And by then, they wouldn’t need the meds to be reversible bc they would have had plenty of time to be firm in their decision. Instead of thinking of it like “there’s no going back”, I would encourage you to think of it as “this is what my child and their doctor believe they need right now. There is plenty of time later to decide if that’s what they want forever.”
How you react may heavily influence whether they are willing to come out to others and when. Be enthusiastic and supportive, even if you have to fake it at first. Remind yourself as many times as it takes that keeping your child safe (and studies are very clear that gender affirming care saves lives for trans people) has always been your number one priority as a parent. This is not different. It’s just a new set of risks to navigate.
Love is always the answer... Love them for who they are in their current form, help them love who they are in their current form. If they choose to change their form in a pursuit of loving themselves more. Love them for making the choice to change their form. Love them in their new form. Just love... 😘
My oldest son (24) came out around 17-18. Myself and my husband (his stepdad) are members/allies and were just like "okay, what next steps are you interested in and how much would you like us to advocate for you versus what do you want to for yourself?" My son took the lead on who he was comfortable coming out to and his dad/paternal family still doesn't know and might not ever unless he decides on affirmation surgery. I worry more for his mental health and safety than anything else, so I do my best to ensure our house is always a safe zone. We've never made it a big deal or questioned his feelings, we just accept him however he chooses to present himself. Boy or girl, gay or straight or in between, he'll always be my baby and I support him like I would any other personal life decision. Letting your child know they are always safe to confide in you whether you understand or agree with them or not will benefit both of you.
Both of my younger brothers are trans. And transitioned very differently, I think both of them made the right choice for them. Exploring gender identity is scary because other people expect there to be answers when other times you don’t have them. There is very much going back after taking gender affirming medication, however please be kind to your child. They’re probably mortified that you know and knowing could have possibly ruined their plans for themselves.
My youngest brother was very open about it from the age of 16 and fought tooth and nail for every scrap of his transition. He is also on the spectrum. My mother attempted to be supportive, but honestly held him back a lot out fear. He is afraid of needles and it took him a long time to find gender affirming care that worked for him. He got lots of awful miserable questions from family who “loved and supported him”. In spite of all of that he is still happily living his life and councils teens like your son who are questioning their gender identity. He’s now 24.
My other brother transitioned in complete silence at 21. Only his girlfriend knew because they lived together. He worked with a therapist and his pcp. Went radio silent one day and turned back up 9 months later with a new name, beard and answered zero questions. He still doesn’t respond when people question him, about why he did it that way. It was just his plan and it worked for him. He shocked my parents the most even though my other brother had already transitioned before him. They felt hurt because he denied everyone access and information about him, but he’s allowed to do that. He’s 26 now.
Oof, you got this OP. Do what you can and trust your instincts. Sounds like you’re well on the path of moving this forward with your kid. They’ll be as comfortable as you make em so just do your best and let em know you’re new to this too but you have their back!
I don’t have any advice to offer, rather words of support to you. It’s so wonderful to see that you are willing to learn in order to best support and respect your child. People fear things they don’t understand and it breaks my heart when parents disown their children for being simply who they are.
As another commenter said “Change is Scary”. You are allowed to have mixed emotions.
From a trans masc perspective /the “child” in this case, the most important thing is that you support your kid. Let them know that you love them, and don’t out them to anyone. You need to keep trust up. There’s so many things I don’t tell my parents because I never felt that I’d get the support I need. Even now that I’m out, my parents treat it as a phase more than anything which makes it hard to share how I feel with them, be close to them now that I’m an adult.
It’s completely fine if you struggle to process this. I’d find a therapist and after your kid comes out, get support from your husband. Ask your kid if they are okay with you asking specifics about their personal identity, but also look up commonly used terms in the community.
Understand that gender exploration and identity can be a journey. Your kid may have figured it out, but their label or pronouns or preferred name may shift. That’s part of it for some. Be patient, be supportive, but don’t focus of being perfect if this happens. Just listen if they try to talk to you about it.
Gender Identity can be complicated, especially for people of the spectrum, such as myself, but you need to keep the space open for them to explore, especially since they are an adult and can make their own choices. Showing that you’ll be there for them no matter what is so important.
Good luck, the fact that you are coming here, looking for advice and that you want to support your kid shows a lot of love for your child.
Ohhhhhh I relate to this so much. I’m in a very similar scenario except my child has advised that they want to wait until after highschool to transition just as your child is. I am also supportive, I’m also sick (with stress and worry) over it. I am fully supporting my child’s decisions but it’s wrecking my mental health in order to do this. Of course I’m not telling my child this. Doing my best to put on a smile and help as much as I can. I also feel like I’m not societally allowed to have such grief over this because that would be perceived as selfish. Sigh… I’ll subscribe to this post and read all comments.
Edited to add one more thing: It seems like everyone else has things sooo much easier. I am divorced from an abusive man who injured me (required surgery), my oldest is trans, and my youngest is neurodivergent. All of my friends are happily married and their stress comes from if their kid makes the volleyball team or not. Lately I’m just sitting here like what in the actual fuck. Just what the fuck
Your feelings and emotions mirror mine. I’ve barely been able to eat or sleep since they told me. I’m so anxious all the time and I feel like I could break down and start crying literally any time. I will never tell them this, but it’s heartbreaking.
I’m lucky enough to have an amazing supportive husband, but seeing my own personal reaction to this, I’m worried about his. I know he loves his kids fiercely, but it’s HARD.
And I agree, it seems like everyone I know is stressed about such trivial things right now. It puts things in a different perspective for sure.
It’s OK for you to need time to process. When you think about it, your kid has been aware of these feelings for a lot longer than you and still hasn’t fully processed them yet either. It’s a big change, and it’s OK to have lots of different emotions about it, including being sad that the gender identity that you have an emotionalattachment to is not your child true identity.
I recommend looking for a parent support group. If you have PFLAG in your area, they can be great. It’s important that you reassure your child that even though this is big news that you need to adjust to, but you haven’t support them. And it takes getting used to the news, but this person is the same person who you have known their whole lives. They’re going to use a different name, they’re going to look different, and their outward appearance is going to be different, but this is the same person. make sure that you remind them that you loved them and not their gender.
Best of luck
Hello fellow mom of a trans ASD1 kid! There are dozens of us! (J/K there are a lot more than that).
My 12 yo currently identifies as nonbinary. He stepped back from transitioning in any way after a year of really bad bullying. We're moving to another city to give you a sense. There are other reasons but the complete failure of his middle school to meet his needs was a huge factor.
For a while, it looked like he was going to go on puberty blockers. We'd jumped through all the hoops. Now it's on hold. He identified as a girl and wanted to transition. Now he tells me he's nb and that that was a phase. Frankly I think he's going to circle back to it eventually but I can't know for sure.
And that's the thing. He's the driver. I'm just a passenger. Accepting that has helped me deal with the exact stuff you've described: terror, worry, fear of familial reactions, fear of what this means for his future, etc. It's hard to watch him pull back from transitioning because if he starts puberty blockers now, he can avoid a lot of changes that will make transitioning harder later. But it's just not up to me. Maybe he's fine being nb and it really was a phase.
Another thing that helped was talking to his endocrinologist (who specializes in trans stuff). She addressed many of my worries. For instance, I thought this would mean he couldn't have biological children. Not so, they can freeze sperm and take other measures. Anyway, that's just an example. But I encourage you to research everything you can that scares you. Some of it may not be as bad as you think.
We're lucky in that we live in France and trans healthcare is covered here. Are you in the States?
ETA: dm me any time
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I'm not trans, but I have an experience that makes me very sympathetic to trans people coming out. (For privacy, I won't go into the details.)
Imagine you've discovered something about yourself that makes everything fit together and is going to make your life a lot happier, but it's going to surprise the people close to you and make them worry about how society will treat you. You're actually overjoyed to discover your gender identity, not because you're happy that you're trans (it makes life more difficult), but because coming to peace with your gender is the only path to happiness in your life.
When you tell people, your greatest fear is that they'll reject you. If they accept you but struggle to work through their own emotions, that's all you can ask for and you'll be grateful. But it would mean the WORLD to you if they were also happy for you.
From your perspective, you've always been this way and life was always going to be harder. You mourned not fitting in ages ago. In the present, you're just happy you've figured it out and are getting treatment and are on the right path. The problem is that when you tell other people, they have to work through both the realization that you're different AND that you're figuring stuff out. They focus on the first half and feel sadness, anxiety, concern, grief. But you're happy!!! You're figuring it out! And it hurts that in the face of your happiness, all people can feel is grief.
So, I totally understand all your emotions. They're the same emotions your child has felt at some point, but it was probably long ago. If there's ANY way you can celebrate with them, please try to show them that side of your emotions too.
honestly glad i didn't transition lol i eas just going through puberty and uncomfortable and around people on their phones too much, trying to influence my life.
There are therapists that specialize in gender and sexuality. I think it would be best to make a family therapy appointment to air things out.
Some younger folks feel like they need to medically transition before socially transitioning because they want to pass. A lot of passing is social and I would personally push to socially transition first but the therapist can guide you on this specific situation.
As an olive branch I would ask your child if they want to go shopping for gender affirming clothes. If they are transfeminine you could also get make up. If they are transmasculine they might want a binder.
Hiii!
I’m a trans parent to a trans kid. I cried and had panic attacks when my kid told me she was genderfluid. It’s a horrifying world for trans people and terrifying to know that your child is going to have to deal with it.
Anyways. My best advice is all your feelings are valid and you need to spend time processing them. However, it’s also crucial that you are supportive of your child. I recommend getting a therapist and processing them that way while in front of your kid being super supportive.
Just so you know, they’re 100% not asking that question in good faith. Transphobia will soon follow in their replies. I’d block them for your own sanity.
Oh haha yea I just wasn’t sure if you thought they were asking for genuine discourse or not. But I blocked them. The comments on this thread are maddening. I’m stopping myself from responding to the transphobes because I know I won’t change their minds but ugh.
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How did you know what gender you were? At what age did you work that out?
> They're children who know nothing of gender roles.
Dying of laughter. Kids in elementary school are the MOST into super rigid gender roles. They are busy categorizing the entire world into boxes they understand.
"How do they even know what that means" : I see you're assuming they specifically used this vocabulary, which is not what she said. If kid says "some days I wanna be a girl, some days I wanna be a boy" the concept is actively there, even if they don't have the vocabulary.
Ofc they know what gender roles are. Most kids are pretty aware of gender roles before they are 4. World is gender-coded. They know men and women dress differently. They know they do different things. They know that isn't only toys that are marketed for boys and girls, that it happens with EVERYTHING in the world. Dad has a black razor, mom's is pink. Mom's flip flops have flowers and jewels, dad's are colourful but plain. Dad never wears a dress, even when it's hot - adult men don't, even if kids do. They look at a long haired child and address it as a girl automatically. They are VERY aware of gender and gender roles.
Also, "reign in what adult content you're spouting from your mouth" is a pretty absurd thing to say. Kid didn't learn anything about this from hearing people discussing kinks, or best ways to achieve orgasm. Probably also not from hearing war crime stories or Stock Market reports. Therefore, whatever it is, isnt ,"adult content".
Mind you, I'm sure THOUSANDS of kids were incidentally exposed to the Tampongate, and I've never heard of any having called themselves a tampon, said they'd like to be a tampon or developer a tampon kink. 🤷♀️
Oh of course! So then what’s the harm with them having a term to describe how they see themselves at the current moment?
What’s the harm in letting them explore gender and express themselves?
My child next year or in two years could say, I’m actually this gender. And that’s absolutely fine.
Had a classmate in elementary school that was more or less the same. Since he was 6 he said that he was 'actually a boy instead of a girl'. This was back in the late 80s. Back then being trans was even more obscure I think.
To this day he's still is a man instead of a woman.
But how does a 5 year old even know that? How do they know anything other than kindergarten, toys, and playing on a playground. My kids know they can marry whoever they want to marry but they don't know the nitty gritty of it all.
They simply know that the gender labels we have foisted upon them do not feel right and if they have the privilege to know gender diverse people they have the appropriate language to talk about it. It’s really not that complicated. We don’t have a hard time believing that cis children understand their own genders, but when trans kids speak up we treat them like they are morons.
Many children believe they are dinosaurs one day and kittens the next. They are wild in their imaginations and go through all sorts of fantasies as they develop their brains. It is pure insanity of parents to entertain these as genuine. Let kids be kids and stop forcing your own politics on them.
Typically that doesn’t last years? My kid went through a penguin phase and I let them be a penguin because who cares. And then when they came out I respected that identity too. They grew out of one of those things.
Kids have an idea of what they are at very young ages. Some may not have words but we can help them understand. But children understand the difference between girls and boys at a very young age and some trans children understand they do not feel “like a boy” or “like a girl” or “I wanna be both.”
It’s the same idea that children know they are boys or girls at young ages. We don’t question “do they know they’re boys and girls?” Bc that’s been the hetro norm for a very long time but it’s not the ONLY thing kids know.
Allowing them to explore those options w/ support, love, and allowing them to choose what they wanna wear or what hair they want etc can help build confidence in a child and help them feel supported.
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It must be so lonely for your child to go through this alone. Even though you're also learning as you go, you can now be there with them and you should tell them that. That they aren't alone now. Get yourself a therapist or someone you can talk to confidentiality about it. All the best.
Uh, citation needed, jeez.
OP, it is more common for autistic individuals to come out as trans, but that doesn’t make those identities any less valid. Please don’t try to gatekeep your child’s identity because they have other medical or mental health conditions. These are the same bullshit bad faith talking points people used when kids were coming out as gay more frequently in the 90s.
I am not reading all the comments because it will hurt my heart. I’m sure. I am a mom who went through all those big emotions and I want to tell you it gets better. Those emotions are real and normal and it is OK. When my child came out, I’d have weak knees and almost fainted every time they wanna talk about it. Now, I am so happy and proud that my child has come out because they are truly living their best life and being their best self. I am so proud of them for handling all of it so well. But definitely there are bumps in the road. It is always scary for us parents. I know you have a lot of comments to go through, but you feel free to PM me. I will be here for you.
My Level 1 ASD "son" (15) came out a few months ago as trans as well. I am having a hell of a time dealing with it myself... and I am a supporter of the LGBTQ community, agnostic and fairly liberal. My feelings about this actually made me question if I was a fraud. After that conversation it hasn't been brought up again, but I do notice the razor in the shower and pretty sure body hair is being eliminated. And the only reason I think nothing further has been discussed is due to my wife (mom) having schizophrenia, and we have been going through hell. Medications were brought up though, however in my state it's illegal for minors to get them. I feel mixed on that topic anyhow, but luckily I don't even have to give input on it.
I think also I am the only support right now he has in regards to this. My wife is living in her own reality, "his/her" sisters are saying it's probably just a phase, and grandma doesn't know (ultra conservative). The only positive so far is that he mentioned his name is not gender specific. So I guess I won't have to deal with that aspect.
Anyways I would say stay strong, but I am struggling myself. Our kids obviously already deal with ASD... and unknown to some, L1 kids still have a lot of struggles. I feel a bit selfish, but I didn't need this right now.
You are always welcome to DM me if you want to vent / talk etc. I already do with a few other parents in the same position.
NOTE: there is a specific forum for us "cisparenttranskid" but be careful. If you vent too much you can be stoned to death.
I relate to so much of this. The feeling like a fraud even though I support LGBTQ, feeling selfish for being angry that i really don’t need to deal with this right now, all of it. Above all, I’m so so scared for them. Most of the time, this world isn’t a kind place to trans people. It’s terrifying to think what they will go through.
The good thing is that all of our feelings are fairly normal and we aren't being selfish. I feel that way regardless also, but from what I have heard from other parents and my therapist even, is that it's "OK" and understandable as we are dealing with a flood of "human" emotions. So I try not to be so hard on myself. I am scared also.. I live in a very conservative state that actually has been getting worse (hence the banning of medications). And trying to implement laws against the very word "trans" from being mentioned in the classrooms.
Our kids have so many adversities in life already... =(
It sounds like you really need a therapist. You have so much going on right now and you need somewhere to vent with no judgment and work through these feelings. A good therapist can be a sounding board without the worries of what other people will say like in the forum. It's really ok to have doubts, questions, or concerns.
One of the best parts of these kids on the spectrum is how good they are at bucking social conventions that don't have practical implications like which type of body hair gets removed and at what length. Or certain social niceties as I'm sure your child has made clear over the years haha.
Along with finding the space to open up about your wife's struggles, in therapy you can pick apart some of the parts of what your kid is going through that are important (feeling accepted and being about to talk about things) vs what might be less important (ie what body hair gets removed). It sounds like you really need extra support right now.
Its really great that you are being so open to this but i would be concerned about keeping this a secret from your husband i would talk to your child and get an idea of timeline of when they will speak to dad because this could affect your relationship negatively
Parent of a nonbinary kid here. Mine's only 10, but I understand the feelings. It's hard. When they first said they were nb, I asked lots of respectful questions ("what do you mean by nb? how does this feel for you?" etc). I talked to my husband about it, and other parents of nb/trans kids. I let myself feel the feelings, and it got easier over time.
I focus on the amazing human they are and how I can support them. Maybe they'll change their mind in a few years, maybe they won't, but they will remember that Mom and Dad love them no matter what and always, always have their back.
Hello fellow parent of an autistic (level 1) trans kid!
I hit the lottery and actually have 2 trans kids, both mtf. My first born came out to me when she was 17, and it was jarring. My fourth born (I have 5), is my diagnosed autistic kid, and she came out to me around age 13. I can sometimes forget how scared and confused I was at the beginning, because now it feels like they are who they’ve always been, just with different pronouns and one chose to change their name.
There’s no one-size fits all approach to parenting a trans kid, just like there isn’t for any kid! They are all so different and will approach transition differently. My kiddos are now almost 24 and 18. We stay in touch with my 18yo’s therapist, and she is just about to start HRT, but socially transitioned in high school to her preferred name and outward appearance. My 24yo took her time telling other family members and started HRT before telling friends or others.
I read a million books and posts so that I could better understand how to support my kids, and assisted with finding the right doctors. Other than that, I’ve just listened when they need it and been curious to their experiences. My parenting hasn’t really changed. They are still expected to be kind, considerate and self-motivated.
My biggest piece of advice is to respect their privacy and wishes when it comes to telling others. I wanted to tell everyone to start using new pronouns for my oldest, but she wasn’t ready yet. My younger daughter wanted the switch right away.
Parenting young adults is hard, no matter where they are! Don’t forget to take care of yourself too, the emotional labor can be overwhelming.
Being trans says nothing about if you're masculine or feminine
There are masculine trans women and feminine trans men
Also
[Citations on the transition's dramatic reduction of suicide risk while improving mental health and quality of life, with trans people able to transition young and spared abuse and discrimination having mental health and suicide risk on par with the general public](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/154t1qq/comment/jsqi5ue/)
You're low IQ and have low empathy, sorry but its true. Terrible combination for critical thinking skills and rationality. Even if you disagree with me you should be able to give a more coherent discussion than that.
interesting, because I have empathy for left-wingers. Weird how that works isnt it? I thought the left was supposed to be tolerant, empathetic, and understanding?
This is so sad, dude
"You're meant to be nice to me!"
Sorry, having leftwing politics does not actually compel anyone to put up with you. Try being a nicer person
I’d recommend you start speaking to a counselor to help understand your feelings about this, and to get some professional advice on how to support your child.
Personally, I’d be most concerned with the lying and trying to hide all of this, especially with their Dad when you now “know” of what’s going on.
This is a big thing for your family to go through! There are more and more resources for trans people and their families to learn about and process transitions. You might check out the book Sorted by Jackson Bird about his experience coming out and transitioning shortly after college. There is also a podcast called Gender Playground, cohosted by a trans person and the parent of a trans child. It’s more about parenting younger children through transition but it will still be applicable to you in some ways and they have tons of resources on their website with each episode.
**Citations on transition as medically necessary, frequently life saving medical care, and the only effective treatment for gender dysphoria:**
* Here is a resolution from the [**American Psychological Association**](https://www.apa.org/about/policy/resolution-gender-identity.pdf); *"THEREFORE BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that APA recognizes the efficacy, benefit and medical necessity of gender transition treatments for appropriately evaluated individuals and calls upon public and private insurers to cover these medically necessary treatments."* More from the APA [**here**](http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbt/programs/transgender/?tab=1)
* Here is an [**AMA resolution**](http://www.tgender.net/taw/ama_resolutions.pdf) on the efficacy and necessity of transition as appropriate treatment for gender dysphoria, and call for an end to insurance companies categorically excluding transition-related care from coverage
* A policy statement from the [**American College of Physicians**](http://annals.org/aim/article/2292051/lesbian-gay-bisexual-transgender-health-disparities-executive-summary-policy-position)
* [**Here**](https://assets2.hrc.org/files/documents/SupportingCaringforTransChildren.pdf) are the American Academy of Pediatrics guidelines
* [**Here**](https://www.aafp.org/dam/AAFP/documents/events/alf_ncsc/Education.pdf) is a resolution from the American Academy of Family Physicians
* [**Here**](https://www.socialworkers.org/Practice/LGBTQIA/Sexual-Orientation-and-Gender-Diversity) is one from the [**National Association of Social Workers**](https://www.socialworkers.org/News/News-Releases/ID/2642/Gender-Affirming-Health-Care-Saves-Lives)
* [**Here**](https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/pdf/PS02_18.pdf) is one from the Royal College of Psychiatrists, [**here**](https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/docs/default-source/improving-care/better-mh-policy/college-reports/cr181-good-practice-guidelines-for-the-assessment-and-treatment-of-adults-with-gender-dysphoria.pdf) are the treatment guidelines from the RCP.
---
**Condemnation of "Gender Identity Change Efforts", aka "conversion therapy", which attempt to alleviate dysphoria without transition by changing trans people's genders so they are happy and comfortable as their assigned sex at birth, as futile and destructive pseudo-scientific abuse:**
* [**From the APA**](http://www.apa.org/about/policy/orientation-diversity.aspx). More detailed condemnation of "Gender Identity Change Efforts" for trans youth or adults [**here**](https://www.apa.org/about/policy/resolution-gender-identity-change-efforts.pdf).
* From the [**American College of Physicians**](http://annals.org/aim/article/2292051/lesbian-gay-bisexual-transgender-health-disparities-executive-summary-policy-position)
* In the [**AAP Guidelines**](http://hrc-assets.s3-website-us-east-1.amazonaws.com//files/documents/SupportingCaringforTransChildren.pdf) - see coverage on this "therapy" starting p.12
* From the [**American Psychoanalytic Association**](https://www.psy.fi/files/1339/Position_Statement_on_Attempts_to_Change_Sexual_Orientation_Gender_Identity_or_Gender_Expression_APsaA_2012.pdf)
* From the [**Association for Behavioral Analysis International**](https://www.abainternational.org/about-us/policies-and-positions/policy-statement-on-conversion-therapy-and-practices,-2021.aspx)
* A joint statement from the [**UK Council for Psychotherapy, British Association for Counseling and Psychotherapy, British Psychoanalytic Council, British Association for Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapies, The British Psychological Society, College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists, The Association of LGBT Doctors and Dentists, The National Counselling Society, NHS Scotland, Pink Therapy, Royal College of General Practitioners, the Scottish Government and Stonewall.**](http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2017/01/16/health-experts-condemn-attempts-to-cure-trans-people-in-wake-of-controversial-bbc-documentary/)
Talk therapy can’t make someone become “comfortable in their body.” People have gone through with therapy, even conversion therapy, and someone who is trans will still be trans.
An abundance of therapy and medication can absolutely fix this problem. It is a mental disorder…..not something we just accept. Mental illness is manageable. Co dependence and enabling all types of mental illness only furthers the problems. Our world has made us feel that we are just hopeless people with permanent problems. There are MANY success stories on this exact topic. And, there are people traveling the country talking about how big of a mistake this is. The easy way out is saying, “I accept you for who you are. Go ahead and take these drugs that will slowly kill you and further confuse you.”
The accepted “treatment” for gender dysphoria as known by the therapist community is affirming care, whatever that means for that person, including hrt and medicinal transitioning.
>An abundance of therapy and medication can absolutely fix this problem
Please provide actual studies that this is the case, instead of just saying it's true
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That’s such an awesome dis. Wow you’re just so brave and smart 🤣 I’m not mentally ill. I know that’s I’m a man because I have a penis and balls. I’m also extremely happy.
I don’t think you’re interested in that conversation. Your answer to that would be probably be that people are so judgmental and don’t understand. You would say they are victims to bullying and society not accepting them. But, if you were to reach deep down inside (therapy) you would find that these people hurt because they struggle with depression. Many of them have been sexually abused. Society has failed them by agreeing that they were born different. We let them know they are victims. Honestly this should be common sense.
So now you’re advising ME to talk to a therapist but you don’t support someone with gender dysphoria talking to a therapist? You’re definitely the one who should be talking to one.
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How does a psychiatrist balance giving meds to a young adult that changes their gender, at the same time as keeping it a secret from their immediate family members. I'm not against any of it. But wouldn't a more natural step be to tell people, live like the gender you see yourself as and then if that feels natural, then take the medication?
I can’t imagine what you are feeling and trying to process right now. I have no words of recommendation because I myself don’t understand it. But love them no matter what.
This might be a useful place to start finding out more information.
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/what-is-autism/autism-and-gender-identity
Maybe an unpopular opinion but I feel like your kid’s identity is the least of the issues here. Sounds like they have zero support for their autism and are an adult without any life skills. Why can’t they drive? Did they have an IEP throughout their time in school? Receive any ABA or OT? I feel like them randomly coming out as trans is just them trying to understand who they are. If you’ve literally never had an inkling about their gender identity *in 18 years* then idk, it seems unlikely, or like there is much more going on.
They’ve always been one to keep things to themselves. Some people are like that. I’m not particularly expressive with how I feel all the time. They don’t WANT to drive, as much as we have pushed it. Yes they had a 504 in school and have been seeing psychiatrists since they were about 13. I support them in all ways i can, so please don’t imply that they don’t have support.
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Are you still the legal guardian of your child? Maybe start by finding a new psychiatrist.
No need to go find an anti LGBT one just maybe a more neutral one. Most people just see a therapist not an actual psychiatrist because of the costs and how over booked they are.
Up until recently most it was 2 years of therapy before medication was given.
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First of all., I hope you and your family go through this phase in a positive way.
However, I don't know if I'm missing something with this info. It's like your child is autistic, has been seeing a psychiatrist privately and then suddenly comes to you to tell you he is trans?
Don't you talk to his doctors at all? Sounds weird to me how everything has been done behind a parent's back
My kid is 18, they have the choice to talk to psychiatrist alone, and they choose that option more often than not. Obviously, everything is confidential, and I respect that.
Yeah but a year ago they were not 18. I feel so shocked how people just go from child to adult in a matter of a second (that they turn 18).
If I were you, I would talk to the doctors or at least try to convince the child to let me talk to the doctors. Doctors are not divine beings and shouldn't be trusted outright - esp. psychologists. The child is too immature to know what they are getting into.
Did you know you were a straight male (assuming from your recent post) at 18? Or were you still not sure then because you were too immature to know your sexuality/gender identity? This is such an idiotic comment. Why are heterosexual/cis people never questioned about their sexuality/gender and their certainty of it their whole lives?
And also, the psychiatrist is bound by HIPAA and is under no obligation to share the patient’s information. Nor should a parent be pressuring their child to have access to their medical records if their child didn’t explicitly consent to it without even being asked. You are not entitled to know what your child is discussing with their medical provider just because you’re their parent.
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>I have no one to talk to right now, because I am respecting their wishes and not telling anyone, even their dad.
With all the opinions on transitioning completely out of the way, I don't think you should be hiding it from your husband. Once he finds out (which is obvious he's will) he's going to be extremely hurt that you helped hide this. I know I would personally. You have to tell him, like it isn't really optional. It's not about respecting your kids wishes. You being supportive is respecting your kid's decision. Not hiding it from your husband.
Your spouse is there to help you manage these types of situations.
Also, they want to transition without anyone knowing is obviously isn't realistic but it's not a good sign. They already tried to hide it from you as well and only addressed it once they were forced too.
Obviously you can't have one without the other. That needs to be super clear to them. A lot of people will not support it, some may come around later, and other's will support it.
It sounds like they aren't prepared to deal with those issues when they, "come out" and if they aren't ready for that rejection once it comes out will almost certainly spiral into some poor choices. You have to be okay with some people not agreeing with your decision.
I would be extremely concerned about the trying to hide it part.
I disagree, if the kid confided in mom but is afraid to tell Dad, the appropriate solution is to encourage them to tell Dad themselves. If OP tells their husband, it will damage trust their kid has in them.
OP can offer to go with their kid to tell their dad, but she should absolutely not out her kid to anyone unless kid is ok with it.
[Citations on the transition's dramatic reduction of suicide risk while improving mental health and quality of life, with trans people able to transition young and spared abuse and discrimination having mental health and suicide risk on par with the general public](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/154t1qq/comment/jsqi5ue/)
glad you think its messed up and dangerous, but others dont. OP, take comments like these with a grain of salt. truly, your kid is living out their authentic selves. theres no fault on either end or anything you did wrong, some people are just simply trans. the best you can do is educate yourself and be open minded, especially if its something new youre not familiar with. dont be like this person above. be the parent your kid needs, not the parent that puts their opinions above their relationship with their kid. people like this person are why i dont talk to my parents anymore. they were never accepting of me being trans, so i had to build a life without them
Throw them a little party! Kinda like a gender reveal, but don't invite anyone they're not already out to. Get a pink or blue cupcake or something and stick a little candle in it. If you want to get fancy, have a cake made with "Welcome NewName!" If they've picked one.
For yourself, absolutely take some time to grieve the kid you thought you had and the life you expected for them. Just keep it private and don't make it their problem.
Oh trust me, they’re not brainwashed. Autism doesn’t inherently mean they have no free thinking skills. My kid is one of the most intelligent people I know. They’re very self aware, also they don’t want to drive, not can’t.
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This is a book for parents who don't want to pursue medical transition for their trans children, but OP's son is already 18 and therefore gets to make his own medical decisions. So I don't see how it will help.
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I have no experience with this, so just a few general thoughts: 1. Continually let them know you love them and support them, always and forever 2. Let them know you will always be a safe and private space - whether that's you providing advice, you just listening, just going out and doing something together or sometimes just sitting in quiet. 3. If they are interested - suggest attending a therapy session with them. No pressure, just put the offer out there so they know it's an option. 4. Set up a therapy session for yourself, spend time on trans reddits, because this is new territory for you - there could be situations that you feel like you are providing good advice but due to your lack of knowledge of their world and changes, it could be harming. You have a lot of emotions, which is understandable, it's a change for you as well. Having your own safe space to express those emotions as well as learning how to help them will be valuable.
I’d also add to this that they should explore the trans *and* the de-trans opinions. And OP should do the same. Both have valuable information and there’s a balance in seeking information from different perspectives. Downvote all you want. Seeking information from more than one echoed source is part of a critical thinking process. And the stakes are high when it comes to altering the body so I’d make sure to examine every angle of this. Believe it or not, there are opinions that run the whole spectrum within the gender dysphoria community.
I agree with this 100%. I also feel that telling parents that they just have to like it or lump it is unfair. They are allowed to have emotions about it and they are allowed their opinions, as long as they are not hurtful about them.
Exactly. I second this comment
Awesome tips. Practical and thoughtful. Ik it's hard OP but you got this!
I have an 18yo trans son, he is also autistic (amongst other things). It seems like we are a bit further along in our journey after he came out (3 years ago) than what you are. My stance is this is the same child I gave birth to and loved all his life. The only thing that changes (IMO) is that now I know him a little bit better than I did, because he can be him now, and not pretend to be her. Not going to lie, there have been raised voices over some things, top surgery as a minor was a bone of contention, but he’s an adult now and he has my full support if that’s what he decides to do. Despite my attempts to not deadname him, or use the wrong pronouns, sometimes it would slip out. I would always correct myself, but it hurt him all the same. I did ask for some leeway as I’d spent his entire life calling him his dead name and I just needed to get out of that habit. It doesn’t happen any more, and I correct other people when they use his former name. We have legally changed his name now (I say we, as we filed it when he was still a minor, although it didn’t get finalised until he was over 18 because government processes are slow). Anyway, for him, just that simple thing of a legal name change meant the world to him. The fact that I suggested it and he knew his parents were supportive of it, he said was the icing on the cake as far as him really knowing we were 100% supporting him. He hasn’t started on hormones or anything else to do with gender affirmation, but that’s not from lack of want or trying, there’s just limited specialists where we are. And with the other things in his life, it’s just not so straight forward. Counselling has been a must. My husband has been about 95% on board with the support, but he says it’s him, not our son, that he is struggling with. For me it’s just having someone to ask dumb questions to that’s not my son to try understand or empathise with what he’s going through, because I am 100% a straight woman and will never experience what he is personally, but still want to hold his hand throughout as he needs it. Also, my son is happy enough for me to ask him dumb questions too. Aside from thinking it’s funny and showing my obvious lack of knowledge, he says it just reaffirms that I want to know about him, how he is feeling, what his perspective is and so on, rather than just assuming. My mother and him used to be close. This was the one and only nail in the coffin. She cannot bring herself to say his name without it oozing with sarcasm. Yes he chose his name, but, it’s now legally his name whether she likes it or not. But I also think my mum thinks cause she hooked up with a chick one night when she was really young that she knows all about everything to do with being trans. She’s narcissistic at best though, so we just roll her eyes. When mum first started showing her transphobic tendencies, I warned my son and told him to really consider whether he wanted to pursue a relationship, it was completely up to him. However, the moment there started to be psychological damage, I’d pull the pin until he was an adult because I wasn’t going to deal with the trauma. Let’s add abusive to the list of things my mother is. 5 kids, 9 grandchildren and the only time anyone has anything to do with her is when it’s a formality. So yeah. After years of being close, they haven’t spoken since January. Son’s choice and I stand behind him with no fucks to give toward my mum. We’ve had ups, we’ve had downs, like I’ve had with my other kids. The trans aspect is just another thing to throw in the mix. I am beyond stressing about other peoples opinions on the matter. It’s none of their business and their opinions don’t count. But, everyone except my mum has been wonderful, even the ones we didn’t think would be. I mean they’ve struggled at times, but patience has won and even they will correct themselves now if they slip. Or ask questions if they don’t know. Bottom line, this is my kid. I love them with everything I have and them being trans just didn’t change that. As I said. It just gave me a bit more insight into who they really are, not who they were pretending to be for so many years. I have no real advice, because I think it’s a different experience for everyone, except if you love your child, keep loving them. I can’t speak as a trans person, just as the parent of a beautiful son that was born with the wrong genitalia. Don’t look at this as a negative, rather a way to further get to know them as they find their feet in the world with the real them. It’s not sunshine and rainbows, but then, that’s just life in general. Talk often, tell them you love them and support them and if you don’t understand something, let them know. Honesty is important. And be their biggest ally, they’re going to find some really shitty people in the world and will need to know you are a safe person, and your home is safe place for them.
I’m sorry. This is tough. My dad came out as trans in her 50s. She was married and divorced twice, had 3 kids. Lived a life. But she wasn’t completely happy. She wasn’t her true self. My siblings and I were all adults when she told us she was transitioning. We were supportive, but we also mourned the dad we’d be losing. Over time, we realized our dad was our dad no matter what. We had several happy years together before she passed away in 2019. I’d give anything to have her back. I’m happy to hear your child knows themself enough to know they want to do this at a young age. There’s no right way to do anything in life. Just be there for your child. Be the ally they need. Hopefully with time, they’ll decide to open up to their dad and others and it’ll all be ok. 🏳️⚧️
My daughter came out as trans during Pandemic. She is 38. Yes, it was a shock. We (wife and I) were immediately supportive but, between us, we were concerned for her future. Rightly so, it’s not necessarily a safe world for a trans person. It does take amazing courage and I applaud them for their decision. If you support them, do so openly without regard for the chips that will fall. Many will. But you will have supported your child. That is the right thing to do in this instance. Good Luck! BTW - said daughter has had surgeries and four years as trans now. She and her wife are extremely happy and settled. I am so happy for them.
This is wonderful to hear. People coming to terms with their gender identity later in life, especially when married, often struggle a lot with external pressure. I'm glad it worked out four your daughter and family.
If this was my kiddo, I’d be worried about them starting to transition before feeling comfortable openly being who they are and being secretive. It might be worth having a conversation about that. Is it secretive out of fear of acceptance? Or? How do they anticipate their transitioning process going? How will the handle questions when people notice changes? I hope these are things their psychiatrist is helping with. Hard conversations especially when you are just wrapping your head around it. And it could be super easy to come off as non supportive so choosing your words wisely and emphasizing you have their back is important too. If you aren’t comfortable picking up the meds alone, take them with you and go together.
>If this was my kiddo, I’d be worried about them starting to transition before feeling comfortable openly being who they are and being secretive This is a reasonable concern, but it's also pretty common (though not universal by any means) for trans folks to go on HRT for a bit before coming out. This is especially true if they're not sure how people around them will react / whether they'll be supportive. It sounds like family acceptance will be a challenge here. Changes from hormones are slow, they have a lot of time before anything would be noticeable to people around them. It can be easier to be sure of your decision if you've been on HRT for a bit and can speak to the positive mental changes it's caused for you.
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That makes sense! I certainly understand the double lives and code switching. Our house is the only supportive house in my teens friend group. I have to be careful what I say around their parents and names I use, so do understand. I still think it’s important for mom to know their answers to the questions in my original post so she can be 100% supportive. It’s what I would ask my kiddo. It would be a guideline for how I support their ideal transition process. “How do you anticipate the transition process going?” Their answer tells me how I can support making that happen for them. “How would you handle questions when people notice changes?” Their answer helps me learn how to handle it when I’m asked about their changes. It opens the door to ask them what they want for my responses to those questions or any expectations they have from me. Also would help me understand how I can help protect them if needed in family gatherings etc. Are there certain people they are afraid of? How can I help lessen contact with that person. Etc.
As a mom of 4, it makes me incredibly sad that you're the only house some kids feel supported in. I am very happy that your house exists however. I can't even imagine not being the safe space for any of my babies. My delightful third kid has expressed feeling like they are in the wrong body at 5, and the pediatrician as well as therapist are all watching this as closely as possible for the time being since kiddo is still so young. They paint their nails and love more feminine clothing, and their dad and I are always supportive. I naively thought all of us parents loved our kids unconditionally, the further I get into parenting the more I realize so many kids don't get that. 💔
My kid wasn’t open to anyone, except the psychiatrist. Is it wrong for me to say I hope the meds aren’t what they want and they change their mind? Cause that’s how i feel right now. And I feel AWFUL for admitting that.
That's where a therapist for you comes in. They'll let you work through this without judgment and without exposing your kid to those feelings. I can't stress how helpful a parents' support group is here.
It’s not awful. I can guarantee there have been plenty of times when your child also wished they weren’t trans.
This is the most sad part here.
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I hope OP sees this and takes you up on it. Free guidance from a professional is unheard of. Thank you for offering ti talk with OP, you have a good heart.
Don’t feel awful. Whether it’s being trans, dating someone you have a strong dislike for, choosing a “pointless” major in school, changing a fundamental religious view… or any of a *thousand* other things, our kids are going to make decisions, have beliefs, and live life in a manner that may run totally counter to our expectations and personal world views. Being a parent and being that launchpad for an entirely new and unique life to traverse this world.,, complete with their very own belief systems and personalities (which may not match our own) is one of the “hard” parts of being a parent. I’d have a pretty big issue with any of my kids transitioning, and it would take a while to get used to, and I honestly don’t know how OK I’d be with it… but I’d certainly try, and like you, ask for advice. You’re not *supposed* to know what to do, and just like it’s their right to find their own unique path, it’s my right to not necessarily be instantly comfortable with that decision. Let love be your guide. You don’t have to hop on the “transition bandwagon” and fake being OK with it if you’re not. Accept the things you cannot change, love them no matter what, but you don’t need to be a *cheerleader* for every single decision they make… whether that’s wanting to transition or joining a monastery.
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I agree. Individuals with autism are also statistically more likely to question their gender and identify as LGBT. It's very important that OP's child feels safe and comfortable talking to their parents without feeling judged. Of course, I'm not at all suggesting that's the case, and OP has shown a lot of care for their child based on the post alone. But young people with neurodivergence often feel misunderstood and can be sensitive to others' body language, especially when opening up about aspects of themselves that are stigmatizing and have social consequences. So that can be a reason why this has been kept private for so long. I would suggest that OP reaches out to LBGT and mental health organizations that have resources for parents of children who are transgender. It can help OP process their emotions, know what to expect, and identify how to support their child throughout the transition.
Yeah, someone in my family is detrans (MtFtM) and he is autistic and has childhood trauma which he believes all contributed to him transitioning (at around the same age as OP’s son). I think it’s worth exploring those things before making any permanent and irreversible bodily changes.
Interesting, I don't find it a red flag at all. In fact, sort of easier to understand? Studies show a much higher prevalence of gender diversity among ND people (of all ages) than among NT people. (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7415151/ ) And in parallel, other studies have found out that 32% of the youth who are autistic have had their gender-identity questioned by medical practitioners, rather than receiving care. Honestly... I very much doubt it would feel like a solution to have to fight even more to be heard when you already have difficulties with social intercourse AND already feel unheard as a general rule.
Yes this is what autistic people do they mask. We all mask but autistic people are masters at it. They know they are different and want to fit in as much as possible so they mask to fit in..it’s very common! A lot of the times they don’t realize that’s what they are doing.
I think you're right. I think a therapy session joint with kid and on parents own is important. I believe having a period of time appearing the gender they feel they are supposed to be, really living it, would be good. Perhaps a holiday where nobody knows them and just fully immerse into it and experience how they feel. Good for you guys to get some perspective too. No thinking, what will others we know think.
As a good friend put it to me, I support my daughter but I'm still allowed to grieve my son. As a parent, we picture the best and hopefully most simply happy future for our children. We do this from the day that they exist for us. Having a child who is Trans upsets the script we have written. It doesn't mean we love them less, want less, don't support them, but change is hard for everyone. Specifically as a parent, you support and love your child no matter what, but you also need time to adjust your mental blueprint too. It's that you ARE ACCEPTING that makes you amazing. Your child is so lucky to have you.
Just my two cents—I think this is a perfect example of why it’s so important as parent to always accept your child as who they are and to do our best to not have an envisioned “mold” or “future blueprint” for them. I only have infants, but I’m raising them under the expectation that who they are might not align with any preconceptions that I might have for them as a parent. Best to operate under a blank slate which leaves plenty of space for them to show you their canvas. :)
There's a whole subreddit for you: r/cisparenttranskid. Great info and support there.
The moment I came out to my parents when I was 17, I stopped being myself to them They were never able to let go of the person they thought I was and forever treated me as if I'd someday backtrack and keep going down the path they thought I should take. It's hard when a loved one tells you they aren't who you, or even they, thought they were. But the fact that they told you means that you're important to them. I think you already know that, but it bears worth to say. Hell, my own partner decided to detransition (very complicated story there) after we'd been together for several years. Things changed, and I knew they would, but it was still a pretty significant adjustment. It's okay if it's tough. You're already a better parent than I ever had, and your kid is very lucky to have you. You've got this, even if it's scary.
Change is scary! The thing I hear from my trans friends is mostly that they want acceptance from their families and they don't want to be the ones their parents process their emotions with around their transition. Ask your kid what they need from you. Read about trans issues. Vote for politicians that support trans rights. Be a vocal advocate for trans issues if you have peers who are anti trans. And seriously think about getting a counsellor or therapist of your own (an LGBTQ friendly one) that you can talk to about your anxiety and fear and sadness. You are allowed to have mixed emotions and it sounds like you don't have people close to you who your child is comfortable knowing about their transition so you need to make sure you're getting the support you need to support your child.
These comments can be so disappointing. This subreddit can be too. I’ve seen about 3 parents come to learn how to support their trans children and many responses I see are; - it’s not real and being trans isn’t a thing children should know Lack of education for children is dangerous. Ppl exist and to not allow your child to understand this is not good for their development. - the child is mentally ill and thus cannot be trans Related to this post, but just because a child has autism doesn’t mean they are an NPC w/ no rationality, thoughts or emotions - trans people are dangerous or supporting your trans child is “allowing” them to be dangerous Trans youth suicide is 40% due to lack of support, lack of love, no foundation, and restrictions on social transitioning (hair cuts, new pronouns, a name change [not legal yet in most cases], and maybe HRT in later teenage years). To see a lot of commenters try to fear monger on posts like these is DANGEROUS to the child. The best a parent can do, especially in this situation (as the child is a legal adult), is tell your child you love them. Offer support and ask what you can do to make them feel more comforted. You can see if you can help them find a gender specialist who can help them understand if this is truly what they want and support groups in communities. To act as if a child doesn’t know who they are or what they are all the time dismisses the child’s emotional development and trust in you. Sure, less than 1% de-transition, but about 98% of that 1% de-transition due to lack of support, love, or acceptance by close family and friends. Only a VERY VERY VERY small fraction de-transition due to the path not being for them; AND THAT IS OKAY!! People shouldn’t be afraid that their child went on a journey to learn about themselves. Transitioning will not happen *snap* just like that. It will take years for acceptance from any doctor, they will ask you to go to therapy, they will see if this IS what you want but even then they usually only do that when the child has medical autonomy over themselves to accept or deny surgery/medical intervention for anything (where I am that age is 16). Love your child, support them, acknowledge you hear and see them and ask questions if you are curious about stuff. Change is scary, imagine how scary it is for your children to be so vulnerable w/ you too. This is a massive step towards their true authentic happiness in their lives and they invited you on their journey. That’s an honour. I hope things go well, you got this.
OP, I just wanted to correct one very common misconception. Gender-affirming care that relies on synthetic hormones IS reversible. Given that your child is past puberty, they would have to be on the drugs for a long time to have permanent effects. And by then, they wouldn’t need the meds to be reversible bc they would have had plenty of time to be firm in their decision. Instead of thinking of it like “there’s no going back”, I would encourage you to think of it as “this is what my child and their doctor believe they need right now. There is plenty of time later to decide if that’s what they want forever.” How you react may heavily influence whether they are willing to come out to others and when. Be enthusiastic and supportive, even if you have to fake it at first. Remind yourself as many times as it takes that keeping your child safe (and studies are very clear that gender affirming care saves lives for trans people) has always been your number one priority as a parent. This is not different. It’s just a new set of risks to navigate.
Yeah, thinking HRT is irreversible is like thinking The Pill is irreversible. 🤷♀️
This!
Love is always the answer... Love them for who they are in their current form, help them love who they are in their current form. If they choose to change their form in a pursuit of loving themselves more. Love them for making the choice to change their form. Love them in their new form. Just love... 😘
My oldest son (24) came out around 17-18. Myself and my husband (his stepdad) are members/allies and were just like "okay, what next steps are you interested in and how much would you like us to advocate for you versus what do you want to for yourself?" My son took the lead on who he was comfortable coming out to and his dad/paternal family still doesn't know and might not ever unless he decides on affirmation surgery. I worry more for his mental health and safety than anything else, so I do my best to ensure our house is always a safe zone. We've never made it a big deal or questioned his feelings, we just accept him however he chooses to present himself. Boy or girl, gay or straight or in between, he'll always be my baby and I support him like I would any other personal life decision. Letting your child know they are always safe to confide in you whether you understand or agree with them or not will benefit both of you.
Both of my younger brothers are trans. And transitioned very differently, I think both of them made the right choice for them. Exploring gender identity is scary because other people expect there to be answers when other times you don’t have them. There is very much going back after taking gender affirming medication, however please be kind to your child. They’re probably mortified that you know and knowing could have possibly ruined their plans for themselves. My youngest brother was very open about it from the age of 16 and fought tooth and nail for every scrap of his transition. He is also on the spectrum. My mother attempted to be supportive, but honestly held him back a lot out fear. He is afraid of needles and it took him a long time to find gender affirming care that worked for him. He got lots of awful miserable questions from family who “loved and supported him”. In spite of all of that he is still happily living his life and councils teens like your son who are questioning their gender identity. He’s now 24. My other brother transitioned in complete silence at 21. Only his girlfriend knew because they lived together. He worked with a therapist and his pcp. Went radio silent one day and turned back up 9 months later with a new name, beard and answered zero questions. He still doesn’t respond when people question him, about why he did it that way. It was just his plan and it worked for him. He shocked my parents the most even though my other brother had already transitioned before him. They felt hurt because he denied everyone access and information about him, but he’s allowed to do that. He’s 26 now.
Oof, you got this OP. Do what you can and trust your instincts. Sounds like you’re well on the path of moving this forward with your kid. They’ll be as comfortable as you make em so just do your best and let em know you’re new to this too but you have their back!
I don’t have any advice to offer, rather words of support to you. It’s so wonderful to see that you are willing to learn in order to best support and respect your child. People fear things they don’t understand and it breaks my heart when parents disown their children for being simply who they are.
As another commenter said “Change is Scary”. You are allowed to have mixed emotions. From a trans masc perspective /the “child” in this case, the most important thing is that you support your kid. Let them know that you love them, and don’t out them to anyone. You need to keep trust up. There’s so many things I don’t tell my parents because I never felt that I’d get the support I need. Even now that I’m out, my parents treat it as a phase more than anything which makes it hard to share how I feel with them, be close to them now that I’m an adult. It’s completely fine if you struggle to process this. I’d find a therapist and after your kid comes out, get support from your husband. Ask your kid if they are okay with you asking specifics about their personal identity, but also look up commonly used terms in the community. Understand that gender exploration and identity can be a journey. Your kid may have figured it out, but their label or pronouns or preferred name may shift. That’s part of it for some. Be patient, be supportive, but don’t focus of being perfect if this happens. Just listen if they try to talk to you about it. Gender Identity can be complicated, especially for people of the spectrum, such as myself, but you need to keep the space open for them to explore, especially since they are an adult and can make their own choices. Showing that you’ll be there for them no matter what is so important. Good luck, the fact that you are coming here, looking for advice and that you want to support your kid shows a lot of love for your child.
Ohhhhhh I relate to this so much. I’m in a very similar scenario except my child has advised that they want to wait until after highschool to transition just as your child is. I am also supportive, I’m also sick (with stress and worry) over it. I am fully supporting my child’s decisions but it’s wrecking my mental health in order to do this. Of course I’m not telling my child this. Doing my best to put on a smile and help as much as I can. I also feel like I’m not societally allowed to have such grief over this because that would be perceived as selfish. Sigh… I’ll subscribe to this post and read all comments. Edited to add one more thing: It seems like everyone else has things sooo much easier. I am divorced from an abusive man who injured me (required surgery), my oldest is trans, and my youngest is neurodivergent. All of my friends are happily married and their stress comes from if their kid makes the volleyball team or not. Lately I’m just sitting here like what in the actual fuck. Just what the fuck
Your feelings and emotions mirror mine. I’ve barely been able to eat or sleep since they told me. I’m so anxious all the time and I feel like I could break down and start crying literally any time. I will never tell them this, but it’s heartbreaking. I’m lucky enough to have an amazing supportive husband, but seeing my own personal reaction to this, I’m worried about his. I know he loves his kids fiercely, but it’s HARD. And I agree, it seems like everyone I know is stressed about such trivial things right now. It puts things in a different perspective for sure.
It’s OK for you to need time to process. When you think about it, your kid has been aware of these feelings for a lot longer than you and still hasn’t fully processed them yet either. It’s a big change, and it’s OK to have lots of different emotions about it, including being sad that the gender identity that you have an emotionalattachment to is not your child true identity. I recommend looking for a parent support group. If you have PFLAG in your area, they can be great. It’s important that you reassure your child that even though this is big news that you need to adjust to, but you haven’t support them. And it takes getting used to the news, but this person is the same person who you have known their whole lives. They’re going to use a different name, they’re going to look different, and their outward appearance is going to be different, but this is the same person. make sure that you remind them that you loved them and not their gender. Best of luck
Hello fellow mom of a trans ASD1 kid! There are dozens of us! (J/K there are a lot more than that). My 12 yo currently identifies as nonbinary. He stepped back from transitioning in any way after a year of really bad bullying. We're moving to another city to give you a sense. There are other reasons but the complete failure of his middle school to meet his needs was a huge factor. For a while, it looked like he was going to go on puberty blockers. We'd jumped through all the hoops. Now it's on hold. He identified as a girl and wanted to transition. Now he tells me he's nb and that that was a phase. Frankly I think he's going to circle back to it eventually but I can't know for sure. And that's the thing. He's the driver. I'm just a passenger. Accepting that has helped me deal with the exact stuff you've described: terror, worry, fear of familial reactions, fear of what this means for his future, etc. It's hard to watch him pull back from transitioning because if he starts puberty blockers now, he can avoid a lot of changes that will make transitioning harder later. But it's just not up to me. Maybe he's fine being nb and it really was a phase. Another thing that helped was talking to his endocrinologist (who specializes in trans stuff). She addressed many of my worries. For instance, I thought this would mean he couldn't have biological children. Not so, they can freeze sperm and take other measures. Anyway, that's just an example. But I encourage you to research everything you can that scares you. Some of it may not be as bad as you think. We're lucky in that we live in France and trans healthcare is covered here. Are you in the States? ETA: dm me any time
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I'm not trans, but I have an experience that makes me very sympathetic to trans people coming out. (For privacy, I won't go into the details.) Imagine you've discovered something about yourself that makes everything fit together and is going to make your life a lot happier, but it's going to surprise the people close to you and make them worry about how society will treat you. You're actually overjoyed to discover your gender identity, not because you're happy that you're trans (it makes life more difficult), but because coming to peace with your gender is the only path to happiness in your life. When you tell people, your greatest fear is that they'll reject you. If they accept you but struggle to work through their own emotions, that's all you can ask for and you'll be grateful. But it would mean the WORLD to you if they were also happy for you. From your perspective, you've always been this way and life was always going to be harder. You mourned not fitting in ages ago. In the present, you're just happy you've figured it out and are getting treatment and are on the right path. The problem is that when you tell other people, they have to work through both the realization that you're different AND that you're figuring stuff out. They focus on the first half and feel sadness, anxiety, concern, grief. But you're happy!!! You're figuring it out! And it hurts that in the face of your happiness, all people can feel is grief. So, I totally understand all your emotions. They're the same emotions your child has felt at some point, but it was probably long ago. If there's ANY way you can celebrate with them, please try to show them that side of your emotions too.
honestly glad i didn't transition lol i eas just going through puberty and uncomfortable and around people on their phones too much, trying to influence my life.
There are therapists that specialize in gender and sexuality. I think it would be best to make a family therapy appointment to air things out. Some younger folks feel like they need to medically transition before socially transitioning because they want to pass. A lot of passing is social and I would personally push to socially transition first but the therapist can guide you on this specific situation. As an olive branch I would ask your child if they want to go shopping for gender affirming clothes. If they are transfeminine you could also get make up. If they are transmasculine they might want a binder.
Hiii! I’m a trans parent to a trans kid. I cried and had panic attacks when my kid told me she was genderfluid. It’s a horrifying world for trans people and terrifying to know that your child is going to have to deal with it. Anyways. My best advice is all your feelings are valid and you need to spend time processing them. However, it’s also crucial that you are supportive of your child. I recommend getting a therapist and processing them that way while in front of your kid being super supportive.
Feel free to send me a DM if you need someone to talk to
Your kids are eight, six and three, is that correct?
Yes!
Just so you know, they’re 100% not asking that question in good faith. Transphobia will soon follow in their replies. I’d block them for your own sanity.
Oh I’m fully aware lolol. I’m a trans activist and have gotten death threats. I just wanted to see where this was going to go for the lols
Oh haha yea I just wasn’t sure if you thought they were asking for genuine discourse or not. But I blocked them. The comments on this thread are maddening. I’m stopping myself from responding to the transphobes because I know I won’t change their minds but ugh.
I knowwww. It frustrating beyond belief. I have to stop myself too because it just ends up with me angry lol
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How did you know what gender you were? At what age did you work that out? > They're children who know nothing of gender roles. Dying of laughter. Kids in elementary school are the MOST into super rigid gender roles. They are busy categorizing the entire world into boxes they understand.
"How do they even know what that means" : I see you're assuming they specifically used this vocabulary, which is not what she said. If kid says "some days I wanna be a girl, some days I wanna be a boy" the concept is actively there, even if they don't have the vocabulary. Ofc they know what gender roles are. Most kids are pretty aware of gender roles before they are 4. World is gender-coded. They know men and women dress differently. They know they do different things. They know that isn't only toys that are marketed for boys and girls, that it happens with EVERYTHING in the world. Dad has a black razor, mom's is pink. Mom's flip flops have flowers and jewels, dad's are colourful but plain. Dad never wears a dress, even when it's hot - adult men don't, even if kids do. They look at a long haired child and address it as a girl automatically. They are VERY aware of gender and gender roles. Also, "reign in what adult content you're spouting from your mouth" is a pretty absurd thing to say. Kid didn't learn anything about this from hearing people discussing kinks, or best ways to achieve orgasm. Probably also not from hearing war crime stories or Stock Market reports. Therefore, whatever it is, isnt ,"adult content". Mind you, I'm sure THOUSANDS of kids were incidentally exposed to the Tampongate, and I've never heard of any having called themselves a tampon, said they'd like to be a tampon or developer a tampon kink. 🤷♀️
So gender is adult content? Once you’re 13 you magically are more self aware of your gender?
No, I'm saying they have more deep thinking abilities as an older child.
Oh of course! So then what’s the harm with them having a term to describe how they see themselves at the current moment? What’s the harm in letting them explore gender and express themselves? My child next year or in two years could say, I’m actually this gender. And that’s absolutely fine.
Kids can understand their own gender! Mine came out at five and has been consistent in that identity for 7 years. Edit: autocorrect
Had a classmate in elementary school that was more or less the same. Since he was 6 he said that he was 'actually a boy instead of a girl'. This was back in the late 80s. Back then being trans was even more obscure I think. To this day he's still is a man instead of a woman.
But how does a 5 year old even know that? How do they know anything other than kindergarten, toys, and playing on a playground. My kids know they can marry whoever they want to marry but they don't know the nitty gritty of it all.
They simply know that the gender labels we have foisted upon them do not feel right and if they have the privilege to know gender diverse people they have the appropriate language to talk about it. It’s really not that complicated. We don’t have a hard time believing that cis children understand their own genders, but when trans kids speak up we treat them like they are morons.
Many children believe they are dinosaurs one day and kittens the next. They are wild in their imaginations and go through all sorts of fantasies as they develop their brains. It is pure insanity of parents to entertain these as genuine. Let kids be kids and stop forcing your own politics on them.
Typically that doesn’t last years? My kid went through a penguin phase and I let them be a penguin because who cares. And then when they came out I respected that identity too. They grew out of one of those things.
Kids have an idea of what they are at very young ages. Some may not have words but we can help them understand. But children understand the difference between girls and boys at a very young age and some trans children understand they do not feel “like a boy” or “like a girl” or “I wanna be both.” It’s the same idea that children know they are boys or girls at young ages. We don’t question “do they know they’re boys and girls?” Bc that’s been the hetro norm for a very long time but it’s not the ONLY thing kids know. Allowing them to explore those options w/ support, love, and allowing them to choose what they wanna wear or what hair they want etc can help build confidence in a child and help them feel supported.
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It must be so lonely for your child to go through this alone. Even though you're also learning as you go, you can now be there with them and you should tell them that. That they aren't alone now. Get yourself a therapist or someone you can talk to confidentiality about it. All the best.
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Uh, citation needed, jeez. OP, it is more common for autistic individuals to come out as trans, but that doesn’t make those identities any less valid. Please don’t try to gatekeep your child’s identity because they have other medical or mental health conditions. These are the same bullshit bad faith talking points people used when kids were coming out as gay more frequently in the 90s.
I am not reading all the comments because it will hurt my heart. I’m sure. I am a mom who went through all those big emotions and I want to tell you it gets better. Those emotions are real and normal and it is OK. When my child came out, I’d have weak knees and almost fainted every time they wanna talk about it. Now, I am so happy and proud that my child has come out because they are truly living their best life and being their best self. I am so proud of them for handling all of it so well. But definitely there are bumps in the road. It is always scary for us parents. I know you have a lot of comments to go through, but you feel free to PM me. I will be here for you.
Sorry that was poorly written because I did voice to text
My Level 1 ASD "son" (15) came out a few months ago as trans as well. I am having a hell of a time dealing with it myself... and I am a supporter of the LGBTQ community, agnostic and fairly liberal. My feelings about this actually made me question if I was a fraud. After that conversation it hasn't been brought up again, but I do notice the razor in the shower and pretty sure body hair is being eliminated. And the only reason I think nothing further has been discussed is due to my wife (mom) having schizophrenia, and we have been going through hell. Medications were brought up though, however in my state it's illegal for minors to get them. I feel mixed on that topic anyhow, but luckily I don't even have to give input on it. I think also I am the only support right now he has in regards to this. My wife is living in her own reality, "his/her" sisters are saying it's probably just a phase, and grandma doesn't know (ultra conservative). The only positive so far is that he mentioned his name is not gender specific. So I guess I won't have to deal with that aspect. Anyways I would say stay strong, but I am struggling myself. Our kids obviously already deal with ASD... and unknown to some, L1 kids still have a lot of struggles. I feel a bit selfish, but I didn't need this right now. You are always welcome to DM me if you want to vent / talk etc. I already do with a few other parents in the same position. NOTE: there is a specific forum for us "cisparenttranskid" but be careful. If you vent too much you can be stoned to death.
I relate to so much of this. The feeling like a fraud even though I support LGBTQ, feeling selfish for being angry that i really don’t need to deal with this right now, all of it. Above all, I’m so so scared for them. Most of the time, this world isn’t a kind place to trans people. It’s terrifying to think what they will go through.
The good thing is that all of our feelings are fairly normal and we aren't being selfish. I feel that way regardless also, but from what I have heard from other parents and my therapist even, is that it's "OK" and understandable as we are dealing with a flood of "human" emotions. So I try not to be so hard on myself. I am scared also.. I live in a very conservative state that actually has been getting worse (hence the banning of medications). And trying to implement laws against the very word "trans" from being mentioned in the classrooms. Our kids have so many adversities in life already... =(
It’s interesting how many trans teenagers are also ASD. I don’t know what to make of it.
Ya I read a few research papers that concluded autistic people are 70% (or something) more likely to be LGBTQ than the neurotypical population.
It sounds like you really need a therapist. You have so much going on right now and you need somewhere to vent with no judgment and work through these feelings. A good therapist can be a sounding board without the worries of what other people will say like in the forum. It's really ok to have doubts, questions, or concerns. One of the best parts of these kids on the spectrum is how good they are at bucking social conventions that don't have practical implications like which type of body hair gets removed and at what length. Or certain social niceties as I'm sure your child has made clear over the years haha. Along with finding the space to open up about your wife's struggles, in therapy you can pick apart some of the parts of what your kid is going through that are important (feeling accepted and being about to talk about things) vs what might be less important (ie what body hair gets removed). It sounds like you really need extra support right now.
I have a therapist. =)
Good luck with everything!
Thank you I appreciate that!
Its really great that you are being so open to this but i would be concerned about keeping this a secret from your husband i would talk to your child and get an idea of timeline of when they will speak to dad because this could affect your relationship negatively
Parent of a nonbinary kid here. Mine's only 10, but I understand the feelings. It's hard. When they first said they were nb, I asked lots of respectful questions ("what do you mean by nb? how does this feel for you?" etc). I talked to my husband about it, and other parents of nb/trans kids. I let myself feel the feelings, and it got easier over time. I focus on the amazing human they are and how I can support them. Maybe they'll change their mind in a few years, maybe they won't, but they will remember that Mom and Dad love them no matter what and always, always have their back.
Hello fellow parent of an autistic (level 1) trans kid! I hit the lottery and actually have 2 trans kids, both mtf. My first born came out to me when she was 17, and it was jarring. My fourth born (I have 5), is my diagnosed autistic kid, and she came out to me around age 13. I can sometimes forget how scared and confused I was at the beginning, because now it feels like they are who they’ve always been, just with different pronouns and one chose to change their name. There’s no one-size fits all approach to parenting a trans kid, just like there isn’t for any kid! They are all so different and will approach transition differently. My kiddos are now almost 24 and 18. We stay in touch with my 18yo’s therapist, and she is just about to start HRT, but socially transitioned in high school to her preferred name and outward appearance. My 24yo took her time telling other family members and started HRT before telling friends or others. I read a million books and posts so that I could better understand how to support my kids, and assisted with finding the right doctors. Other than that, I’ve just listened when they need it and been curious to their experiences. My parenting hasn’t really changed. They are still expected to be kind, considerate and self-motivated. My biggest piece of advice is to respect their privacy and wishes when it comes to telling others. I wanted to tell everyone to start using new pronouns for my oldest, but she wasn’t ready yet. My younger daughter wanted the switch right away. Parenting young adults is hard, no matter where they are! Don’t forget to take care of yourself too, the emotional labor can be overwhelming.
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You do realize that being trans is not just being a feminine man or masculine woman right
So what is it then?
Being trans says nothing about if you're masculine or feminine There are masculine trans women and feminine trans men Also [Citations on the transition's dramatic reduction of suicide risk while improving mental health and quality of life, with trans people able to transition young and spared abuse and discrimination having mental health and suicide risk on par with the general public](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/154t1qq/comment/jsqi5ue/)
Typical conservative.
I dont hate people with sexual dysmorphia. I hate the methods being used by the left to "treat" it.
Sure. We can all see you're a right wing bigot.
You're low IQ and have low empathy, sorry but its true. Terrible combination for critical thinking skills and rationality. Even if you disagree with me you should be able to give a more coherent discussion than that.
Yea, sorry. I don't have empathy for right wingers.
interesting, because I have empathy for left-wingers. Weird how that works isnt it? I thought the left was supposed to be tolerant, empathetic, and understanding?
Why should we tolerate intolerance?
This is so sad, dude "You're meant to be nice to me!" Sorry, having leftwing politics does not actually compel anyone to put up with you. Try being a nicer person
I’d recommend you start speaking to a counselor to help understand your feelings about this, and to get some professional advice on how to support your child. Personally, I’d be most concerned with the lying and trying to hide all of this, especially with their Dad when you now “know” of what’s going on.
I am concerned about it, but I understand why they didn’t shout it from the rooftops.
This is a big thing for your family to go through! There are more and more resources for trans people and their families to learn about and process transitions. You might check out the book Sorted by Jackson Bird about his experience coming out and transitioning shortly after college. There is also a podcast called Gender Playground, cohosted by a trans person and the parent of a trans child. It’s more about parenting younger children through transition but it will still be applicable to you in some ways and they have tons of resources on their website with each episode.
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**Citations on transition as medically necessary, frequently life saving medical care, and the only effective treatment for gender dysphoria:** * Here is a resolution from the [**American Psychological Association**](https://www.apa.org/about/policy/resolution-gender-identity.pdf); *"THEREFORE BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that APA recognizes the efficacy, benefit and medical necessity of gender transition treatments for appropriately evaluated individuals and calls upon public and private insurers to cover these medically necessary treatments."* More from the APA [**here**](http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbt/programs/transgender/?tab=1) * Here is an [**AMA resolution**](http://www.tgender.net/taw/ama_resolutions.pdf) on the efficacy and necessity of transition as appropriate treatment for gender dysphoria, and call for an end to insurance companies categorically excluding transition-related care from coverage * A policy statement from the [**American College of Physicians**](http://annals.org/aim/article/2292051/lesbian-gay-bisexual-transgender-health-disparities-executive-summary-policy-position) * [**Here**](https://assets2.hrc.org/files/documents/SupportingCaringforTransChildren.pdf) are the American Academy of Pediatrics guidelines * [**Here**](https://www.aafp.org/dam/AAFP/documents/events/alf_ncsc/Education.pdf) is a resolution from the American Academy of Family Physicians * [**Here**](https://www.socialworkers.org/Practice/LGBTQIA/Sexual-Orientation-and-Gender-Diversity) is one from the [**National Association of Social Workers**](https://www.socialworkers.org/News/News-Releases/ID/2642/Gender-Affirming-Health-Care-Saves-Lives) * [**Here**](https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/pdf/PS02_18.pdf) is one from the Royal College of Psychiatrists, [**here**](https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/docs/default-source/improving-care/better-mh-policy/college-reports/cr181-good-practice-guidelines-for-the-assessment-and-treatment-of-adults-with-gender-dysphoria.pdf) are the treatment guidelines from the RCP. --- **Condemnation of "Gender Identity Change Efforts", aka "conversion therapy", which attempt to alleviate dysphoria without transition by changing trans people's genders so they are happy and comfortable as their assigned sex at birth, as futile and destructive pseudo-scientific abuse:** * [**From the APA**](http://www.apa.org/about/policy/orientation-diversity.aspx). More detailed condemnation of "Gender Identity Change Efforts" for trans youth or adults [**here**](https://www.apa.org/about/policy/resolution-gender-identity-change-efforts.pdf). * From the [**American College of Physicians**](http://annals.org/aim/article/2292051/lesbian-gay-bisexual-transgender-health-disparities-executive-summary-policy-position) * In the [**AAP Guidelines**](http://hrc-assets.s3-website-us-east-1.amazonaws.com//files/documents/SupportingCaringforTransChildren.pdf) - see coverage on this "therapy" starting p.12 * From the [**American Psychoanalytic Association**](https://www.psy.fi/files/1339/Position_Statement_on_Attempts_to_Change_Sexual_Orientation_Gender_Identity_or_Gender_Expression_APsaA_2012.pdf) * From the [**Association for Behavioral Analysis International**](https://www.abainternational.org/about-us/policies-and-positions/policy-statement-on-conversion-therapy-and-practices,-2021.aspx) * A joint statement from the [**UK Council for Psychotherapy, British Association for Counseling and Psychotherapy, British Psychoanalytic Council, British Association for Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapies, The British Psychological Society, College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists, The Association of LGBT Doctors and Dentists, The National Counselling Society, NHS Scotland, Pink Therapy, Royal College of General Practitioners, the Scottish Government and Stonewall.**](http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2017/01/16/health-experts-condemn-attempts-to-cure-trans-people-in-wake-of-controversial-bbc-documentary/)
Talk therapy can’t make someone become “comfortable in their body.” People have gone through with therapy, even conversion therapy, and someone who is trans will still be trans.
An abundance of therapy and medication can absolutely fix this problem. It is a mental disorder…..not something we just accept. Mental illness is manageable. Co dependence and enabling all types of mental illness only furthers the problems. Our world has made us feel that we are just hopeless people with permanent problems. There are MANY success stories on this exact topic. And, there are people traveling the country talking about how big of a mistake this is. The easy way out is saying, “I accept you for who you are. Go ahead and take these drugs that will slowly kill you and further confuse you.”
The accepted “treatment” for gender dysphoria as known by the therapist community is affirming care, whatever that means for that person, including hrt and medicinal transitioning.
>An abundance of therapy and medication can absolutely fix this problem Please provide actual studies that this is the case, instead of just saying it's true
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And what do you have to say about the thousands of people who are happy and thriving post transition?
Do you ever notice how loud and obnoxiously upset that entire community is? You think they are happy? You must be kidding.
Oh, so unhappiness the reason you're so loud and obnoxious? Explains a lot.
That’s such an awesome dis. Wow you’re just so brave and smart 🤣 I’m not mentally ill. I know that’s I’m a man because I have a penis and balls. I’m also extremely happy.
What community is upset?
Trans community……duh
Uh oh! What are they upset about?
I don’t think you’re interested in that conversation. Your answer to that would be probably be that people are so judgmental and don’t understand. You would say they are victims to bullying and society not accepting them. But, if you were to reach deep down inside (therapy) you would find that these people hurt because they struggle with depression. Many of them have been sexually abused. Society has failed them by agreeing that they were born different. We let them know they are victims. Honestly this should be common sense.
I think the opposition is also loud and obnoxious.
THIS is your worst nightmare as a parent???? Please talk to a therapist about this
So now you’re advising ME to talk to a therapist but you don’t support someone with gender dysphoria talking to a therapist? You’re definitely the one who should be talking to one.
Show me exactly where I said OP’s kid shouldn’t be in therapy
I don't think you understand science
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Of course. It’s very sad to see what these ideas have done to people.
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How does a psychiatrist balance giving meds to a young adult that changes their gender, at the same time as keeping it a secret from their immediate family members. I'm not against any of it. But wouldn't a more natural step be to tell people, live like the gender you see yourself as and then if that feels natural, then take the medication?
I can’t imagine what you are feeling and trying to process right now. I have no words of recommendation because I myself don’t understand it. But love them no matter what.
This might be a useful place to start finding out more information. https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/what-is-autism/autism-and-gender-identity
Maybe an unpopular opinion but I feel like your kid’s identity is the least of the issues here. Sounds like they have zero support for their autism and are an adult without any life skills. Why can’t they drive? Did they have an IEP throughout their time in school? Receive any ABA or OT? I feel like them randomly coming out as trans is just them trying to understand who they are. If you’ve literally never had an inkling about their gender identity *in 18 years* then idk, it seems unlikely, or like there is much more going on.
They’ve always been one to keep things to themselves. Some people are like that. I’m not particularly expressive with how I feel all the time. They don’t WANT to drive, as much as we have pushed it. Yes they had a 504 in school and have been seeing psychiatrists since they were about 13. I support them in all ways i can, so please don’t imply that they don’t have support.
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People 20 or 30 years on hormones are going to say hormones helped them or they would’ve stopped taking them. What a silly thing to say
Have you asked them? I have seen plenty of horror stories
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Why can’t they pick up the meds if they’re 18?
They don’t drive. It’s stated in the post.
Sorry, I missed that. Thought there was something to do with the meds why they couldn’t get them.
Are you still the legal guardian of your child? Maybe start by finding a new psychiatrist. No need to go find an anti LGBT one just maybe a more neutral one. Most people just see a therapist not an actual psychiatrist because of the costs and how over booked they are. Up until recently most it was 2 years of therapy before medication was given.
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What do you mean? Only the kid has a psychiatrist, not the mom.
What is exactly
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Well the best thing to do if your kid ever needs support around something you don't understand is to learn about it.
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Who does it damage
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You didn’t explain how it damages anyone though. How does society suffer from people doing something that doesn’t affect anyone else?
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Oh no, topless??????
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Gender dysphoria has never been categorized as a delusion If you don't know the basics of the condition, you shouldn't be dictating treatment
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First of all., I hope you and your family go through this phase in a positive way. However, I don't know if I'm missing something with this info. It's like your child is autistic, has been seeing a psychiatrist privately and then suddenly comes to you to tell you he is trans? Don't you talk to his doctors at all? Sounds weird to me how everything has been done behind a parent's back
My kid is 18, they have the choice to talk to psychiatrist alone, and they choose that option more often than not. Obviously, everything is confidential, and I respect that.
Yeah but a year ago they were not 18. I feel so shocked how people just go from child to adult in a matter of a second (that they turn 18). If I were you, I would talk to the doctors or at least try to convince the child to let me talk to the doctors. Doctors are not divine beings and shouldn't be trusted outright - esp. psychologists. The child is too immature to know what they are getting into.
Did you know you were a straight male (assuming from your recent post) at 18? Or were you still not sure then because you were too immature to know your sexuality/gender identity? This is such an idiotic comment. Why are heterosexual/cis people never questioned about their sexuality/gender and their certainty of it their whole lives? And also, the psychiatrist is bound by HIPAA and is under no obligation to share the patient’s information. Nor should a parent be pressuring their child to have access to their medical records if their child didn’t explicitly consent to it without even being asked. You are not entitled to know what your child is discussing with their medical provider just because you’re their parent.
r/cisparenttranskid https://pca.st/podcast/9a4673b0-a875-0138-e689-0acc26574db2
I recommend the recently released podcast, it’s a Dr Mike episode hosting Dr Jack Turban. It’s very insightful for trans acceptance and psychology.
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>I have no one to talk to right now, because I am respecting their wishes and not telling anyone, even their dad. With all the opinions on transitioning completely out of the way, I don't think you should be hiding it from your husband. Once he finds out (which is obvious he's will) he's going to be extremely hurt that you helped hide this. I know I would personally. You have to tell him, like it isn't really optional. It's not about respecting your kids wishes. You being supportive is respecting your kid's decision. Not hiding it from your husband. Your spouse is there to help you manage these types of situations. Also, they want to transition without anyone knowing is obviously isn't realistic but it's not a good sign. They already tried to hide it from you as well and only addressed it once they were forced too. Obviously you can't have one without the other. That needs to be super clear to them. A lot of people will not support it, some may come around later, and other's will support it. It sounds like they aren't prepared to deal with those issues when they, "come out" and if they aren't ready for that rejection once it comes out will almost certainly spiral into some poor choices. You have to be okay with some people not agreeing with your decision. I would be extremely concerned about the trying to hide it part.
I disagree, if the kid confided in mom but is afraid to tell Dad, the appropriate solution is to encourage them to tell Dad themselves. If OP tells their husband, it will damage trust their kid has in them. OP can offer to go with their kid to tell their dad, but she should absolutely not out her kid to anyone unless kid is ok with it.
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[Citations on the transition's dramatic reduction of suicide risk while improving mental health and quality of life, with trans people able to transition young and spared abuse and discrimination having mental health and suicide risk on par with the general public](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/154t1qq/comment/jsqi5ue/)
glad you think its messed up and dangerous, but others dont. OP, take comments like these with a grain of salt. truly, your kid is living out their authentic selves. theres no fault on either end or anything you did wrong, some people are just simply trans. the best you can do is educate yourself and be open minded, especially if its something new youre not familiar with. dont be like this person above. be the parent your kid needs, not the parent that puts their opinions above their relationship with their kid. people like this person are why i dont talk to my parents anymore. they were never accepting of me being trans, so i had to build a life without them
Throw them a little party! Kinda like a gender reveal, but don't invite anyone they're not already out to. Get a pink or blue cupcake or something and stick a little candle in it. If you want to get fancy, have a cake made with "Welcome NewName!" If they've picked one. For yourself, absolutely take some time to grieve the kid you thought you had and the life you expected for them. Just keep it private and don't make it their problem.
Help them find the psychiatric care they need, but at this point they're an adult and they need to want to be helped
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Quick question what does entrapment mean to you
well, it has the word trap in it and that's what they google for on 4chan so it must apply here...
Very helpful. OP should send you a tip.
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Oh trust me, they’re not brainwashed. Autism doesn’t inherently mean they have no free thinking skills. My kid is one of the most intelligent people I know. They’re very self aware, also they don’t want to drive, not can’t.
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I recommend a great book written for parents, it's by therapists and it's called When Kids Say They're Trans.
This is a book for parents who don't want to pursue medical transition for their trans children, but OP's son is already 18 and therefore gets to make his own medical decisions. So I don't see how it will help.