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I feel like I’m gonna get slammed for this but… I don’t think the leaving her is the issue. She’s 9, she’s in a salon surrounded by people and withdrawing money only takes a few minutes.
I think the issue is him asking her to keep secrets from you when she knows that secret will cause discord should it be discovered
Agreed here. Charitable reading is "mom is super anxious and it's just easier not to tell her" but it's really bad form to teach a kid to keep secrets, and it's bad for the kid, too. You don't want your kids getting comfortable with the idea of keeping important things from you.
Yeah, I kinda feel for dad because it sounds like he needed cash right away and also knew that OP would freak out if he ducked out to get it so just did a “don’t tell mum, she’ll worry” thing. Which…. is it ok? Probs not. But I kinda get it.
Also, if the level of anxiety, and making that anxiety other people's problem, that comes across in this post is accurate, that kid was always gonna learn to lie to OP.
That's a very common way that people learn to deal with authority figures who they don't trust to react rationally to the truth.
I totally get it, but "don't tell your mom, she'll worry" is the sort of thing that accustoms a kid to later hiding other dangers, from bad grades to abuse. If that's his issue, he just needs to be clear with the mom that he thinks this is perfectly appropriate and he'll do it again. And then they need to work that out amongs themselves.
Oh I totally agree. Like I said - it’s not the right thing to do and I don’t endorse it but if I’m honest, on a totally human “we all sometimes do slightly shady shit” level, I do understand it.
Yeah, I agree. I left my 9 year old in the salon chair last week because my 1 year old had a massive blow out and they had no changing tables in the bathroom. We were gone maybe 5 minutes but she’s 9 I felt she could handle it and it was fine.
I’d definitely be rubbed the wrong way about secret keeping though especially because I’ve told my kids from the minute they could talk safe adults do not ask you to keep secrets.
It's weird that he told her not to tell you. I'd have an issue with that.
I have no problem leaving my 9 year old at the barbershop while I step out to get something though.
How far did he have to go?
I would leave my four year old in the barber’s chair and go to an ATM within walking distance (say 150 yards).
With my ten year old? Honestly? I would send her to the salon on her own with cash to pay for her cut on her own if she was up for it. I sent her to walk to the grocery store today (by herself), and I let her walk our dog by herself. Last week I dropped her off at the library for the afternoon by herself.
Last summer, as a nine year old (and after approval from the other involved parents), I let her and a friend walk to get lunch then to a theater to see a movie without me.
My wife wouldn’t do any of those things, and she gets a little anxious when we talk about our daughter doing these things in her own. But she has also admitted she’s glad I’m having our daughter do these things because it is giving her opportunities to develop greater confidence and independence.
Yeah, I allowed my kid to do all of those things at that age (except the dog thing - I don’t think kids should be walking dogs alone because despite how responsible they are other people often aren’t and that’s a big burden if something goes wrong). But otherwise yes - you have to let kids have age appropriate independence even if it makes us feel a bit anxious.
>Feel like I want to cry and I’m so disappointed with his irresponsibility
She is 9, not a baby.
Does she never go anywhere just by herself? Is she still always accompanied by an adult at that age?
Stop projecting your anxiety on your kid, give her some independence and allow her to grow up as a confident kid.
I think it depends on the country/place where they live. I agree with the fact that a hair salon with more people doesn't seem like a dangerous place, specially if he just took a few minutes to go get some money, but there are places where even teenagers should be supervised for their safety, sadly...
I don’t think him stepping away is the problem. I’ve left my 8yo at the barbershop to run into the grocery store next door. At her age, it seems fine,
The problem is that he told her not to tell you. That’s not okay.
I also agree that stepping out for a few minutes while a 9 year old is getting a haircut would be a total non-issue for me (mom) or my husband. My kids were able to ride their bikes to a neighboring park or to the neighborhood store (in a residential area) at that age, so long as they told us where they were going.
Hiding things from you because you're not both on the same page in terms of parenting decisions is a problem. But you might consider that your anxiety about a low-risk situation is out of proportion. Kids NEED to develop some autonomy/independence for their mental health. This is a low-risk, short-term situation where your kid can recognize that dad trusts her/feels confident that she can handle herself.
I understand why you're upset and I also think you're overreacting. I have no problem leaving a child that age in a salon for five minutes while I go to the ATM, as long as I've cleared it with the employees. Nothing is going to happen to her in a salon full of adult women. It's not like he left her at a random bus stop.
I do kind of get why it would bother you that he told her not to tell you. At the same time, I can see the difficult spot he was in, especially if he knew that this was the kind of thing you'd freak out about (which you kind of did). He realized he needed cash to pay, so he either had to leave her there, or take her out and just promise to come back, with the concern that the salon might not like that.
My 9 year old:
* Walks to school solo
* Walks 5 city blocks to the library, starbucks, etc. solo
* -stays home alone with her younger brother for 2-3 hours at a clip if needed
* Obviously I do not sit in the hair salon with her for two hours every time she goes.
Calm down.
I’d be more mad he lied than the fact he went to get money to pay for the haircut.
I don’t see a safety concern with what he did. She was getting her haircut, Dad’s supervision was not needed at that moment.
So I did this last weekend my 9 y.o was getting his hair cut and I went across the street and got a coffee, I was back before it finished,,
I think OP is overreacting, and I think hubby knows that which is why he said don’t tell mum,
I think you are WAY overreacting. It sucks that he told your child not to say anything, but if he did that because knew you would freak out, then YTA. I think you need to relax (“complete strangers”?!!?) and he needs to grow a spine.
Going to get the money is okay. He could have taken her with him. But it’s not terribly irresponsible. But still irresponsible nonetheless.
But saying not to tell you? Unacceptable!
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I feel like I’m gonna get slammed for this but… I don’t think the leaving her is the issue. She’s 9, she’s in a salon surrounded by people and withdrawing money only takes a few minutes. I think the issue is him asking her to keep secrets from you when she knows that secret will cause discord should it be discovered
Agreed here. Charitable reading is "mom is super anxious and it's just easier not to tell her" but it's really bad form to teach a kid to keep secrets, and it's bad for the kid, too. You don't want your kids getting comfortable with the idea of keeping important things from you.
Yeah, I kinda feel for dad because it sounds like he needed cash right away and also knew that OP would freak out if he ducked out to get it so just did a “don’t tell mum, she’ll worry” thing. Which…. is it ok? Probs not. But I kinda get it.
Also, if the level of anxiety, and making that anxiety other people's problem, that comes across in this post is accurate, that kid was always gonna learn to lie to OP. That's a very common way that people learn to deal with authority figures who they don't trust to react rationally to the truth.
I totally get it, but "don't tell your mom, she'll worry" is the sort of thing that accustoms a kid to later hiding other dangers, from bad grades to abuse. If that's his issue, he just needs to be clear with the mom that he thinks this is perfectly appropriate and he'll do it again. And then they need to work that out amongs themselves.
Oh I totally agree. Like I said - it’s not the right thing to do and I don’t endorse it but if I’m honest, on a totally human “we all sometimes do slightly shady shit” level, I do understand it.
Yeah, I agree. I left my 9 year old in the salon chair last week because my 1 year old had a massive blow out and they had no changing tables in the bathroom. We were gone maybe 5 minutes but she’s 9 I felt she could handle it and it was fine. I’d definitely be rubbed the wrong way about secret keeping though especially because I’ve told my kids from the minute they could talk safe adults do not ask you to keep secrets.
It's weird that he told her not to tell you. I'd have an issue with that. I have no problem leaving my 9 year old at the barbershop while I step out to get something though.
How far did he have to go? I would leave my four year old in the barber’s chair and go to an ATM within walking distance (say 150 yards). With my ten year old? Honestly? I would send her to the salon on her own with cash to pay for her cut on her own if she was up for it. I sent her to walk to the grocery store today (by herself), and I let her walk our dog by herself. Last week I dropped her off at the library for the afternoon by herself. Last summer, as a nine year old (and after approval from the other involved parents), I let her and a friend walk to get lunch then to a theater to see a movie without me. My wife wouldn’t do any of those things, and she gets a little anxious when we talk about our daughter doing these things in her own. But she has also admitted she’s glad I’m having our daughter do these things because it is giving her opportunities to develop greater confidence and independence.
Yeah, I allowed my kid to do all of those things at that age (except the dog thing - I don’t think kids should be walking dogs alone because despite how responsible they are other people often aren’t and that’s a big burden if something goes wrong). But otherwise yes - you have to let kids have age appropriate independence even if it makes us feel a bit anxious.
>Feel like I want to cry and I’m so disappointed with his irresponsibility She is 9, not a baby. Does she never go anywhere just by herself? Is she still always accompanied by an adult at that age? Stop projecting your anxiety on your kid, give her some independence and allow her to grow up as a confident kid.
I think it depends on the country/place where they live. I agree with the fact that a hair salon with more people doesn't seem like a dangerous place, specially if he just took a few minutes to go get some money, but there are places where even teenagers should be supervised for their safety, sadly...
I don’t think him stepping away is the problem. I’ve left my 8yo at the barbershop to run into the grocery store next door. At her age, it seems fine, The problem is that he told her not to tell you. That’s not okay.
What? My son has been going into the barber on his own for years. You sound a bit ridiculous honestly.
I also agree that stepping out for a few minutes while a 9 year old is getting a haircut would be a total non-issue for me (mom) or my husband. My kids were able to ride their bikes to a neighboring park or to the neighborhood store (in a residential area) at that age, so long as they told us where they were going. Hiding things from you because you're not both on the same page in terms of parenting decisions is a problem. But you might consider that your anxiety about a low-risk situation is out of proportion. Kids NEED to develop some autonomy/independence for their mental health. This is a low-risk, short-term situation where your kid can recognize that dad trusts her/feels confident that she can handle herself.
I understand why you're upset and I also think you're overreacting. I have no problem leaving a child that age in a salon for five minutes while I go to the ATM, as long as I've cleared it with the employees. Nothing is going to happen to her in a salon full of adult women. It's not like he left her at a random bus stop. I do kind of get why it would bother you that he told her not to tell you. At the same time, I can see the difficult spot he was in, especially if he knew that this was the kind of thing you'd freak out about (which you kind of did). He realized he needed cash to pay, so he either had to leave her there, or take her out and just promise to come back, with the concern that the salon might not like that.
My 9 year old: * Walks to school solo * Walks 5 city blocks to the library, starbucks, etc. solo * -stays home alone with her younger brother for 2-3 hours at a clip if needed * Obviously I do not sit in the hair salon with her for two hours every time she goes. Calm down.
I’d be more mad he lied than the fact he went to get money to pay for the haircut. I don’t see a safety concern with what he did. She was getting her haircut, Dad’s supervision was not needed at that moment.
So I did this last weekend my 9 y.o was getting his hair cut and I went across the street and got a coffee, I was back before it finished,, I think OP is overreacting, and I think hubby knows that which is why he said don’t tell mum,
I think you are WAY overreacting. It sucks that he told your child not to say anything, but if he did that because knew you would freak out, then YTA. I think you need to relax (“complete strangers”?!!?) and he needs to grow a spine.
Going to get the money is okay. He could have taken her with him. But it’s not terribly irresponsible. But still irresponsible nonetheless. But saying not to tell you? Unacceptable!
I don't feel you are overreacting. I would not have done that because of how it might make my kid feel, even over the safety of it.