I encourage you to check out thegamereducator (I follow on Insta but they may be on other platforms, too). Their insights on gaming and neurodiversity have helped me in setting rules with my son.
I don’t necessarily have any feedback for you. I struggle with technology, too. I am a single parent too and sometimes use it so I can take a break and rest or do chores. It’s hard, though, to get them to shift to something else when technology gives them the dopamine hits their little brains need!
There's a parental control app for the Switch. You can set a time limit and when it's up the software becomes unavailable without a PIN. You can do the same on an iPad. Having it set up the way really helped me maintain those limits, because there's no arguing & no power struggle about turning it off. It just stops working. I'm a single parent, special education teacher, and both my kids have ADHD/AuDHD. Maintaining consistent screen time limits is an absolute MUST in my house.
I would recommend experimenting to find the right balance.
I found with my eldest ADHD kid, unlimited time meant he would literally be glued to screens every minute he was awake. It felt wrong and I'm sure it didn't help his attention span/emotional regulation.
Cutting it with a time limit was not helpful for us because he would spend the entire time he wasn't allowed on screens asking "When is it screen time?" "Is it screen time yet?" "How much longer?" or flopping and sighing and demanding to be entertained. No he did not go off and use his boredom creatively, lol.
However when I cut it back right down to a third, so that would be max 3 hours at weekends and max 90 mins on school days, all the obsession over screens stopped. Yes there was still a lot of being talked at, but he was much more likely to choose other activities rather than obsessing over the screens. This is basically what we did until he got to an age (in his teens) that he said hey, none of my friends have screen limits, can I have unlimited time again? And he was better able to self-regulate at that age.
The other thing to try to be aware of is the type of game/media. I notice with my 5yo (likely AuDHD but unconfirmed) he has a way harder time coming off games like the "Fork 'n' Sausage" type thing which are designed specfically to be addictive with constant dopamine hits. We get a lot of "Nooooooo just one more level!" Most of these, I don't allow. That one is a current exception and it may be gone soon. And video apps like youtube which are algorithm driven and select content for you and are full of channels with 3+ hour long repetitive loops - these can also be hard to come off, compared with apps like Netflix that play an episode and then stop (I would recommend going in and changing all the settings to disable autoplay, auto preview etc). I am also pretty ruthless with blocking channels that I think contribute to general zombification and/or obnoxiousness.
This is something I have noticed for myself too - certain kinds of games on my phone give me a kind of amped up, just gotta keep playing one more round kind of feeling. It's unpleasant but it draws me back in. I have also noticed that ADHD medication (that I take) helps me not get stuck in screen activities. If you think he is genuinely struggling to engage in other activities and environmental changes aren't helping then it might be worth opening up this conversation with his doctor.
We did earning screen time for a while with my eldest to work on specific wanted behaviours, which worked really well. I don't do it with my 5yo because I have a 2yo as well and it's too difficult to allow it for one but restrict it for the other. Some days the screens are on all day (ack) and some days we have a better balance and some days it's sort of on but they are doing their own thing and it doesn't matter. Different things seem to work at different times. Definitely worth trying something new if your current set up is not working.
> I cant get the lingo down to get him to cooperate. I want harmony and responsibility in our home. Am I corrupted by gentle parenting here?
If you're aiming for him to fully and totally happily agree with and enthusiastically comply with everything you say ever, then yeah, you're being corrupted by a gentle parenting myth. Harmony meaning every single person agrees at all times? This isn't realistic. Lack of conflict in that interaction? This is definitely possible, but might look different to how you imagine.
It's OK to unilaterally set a limit even if he is not happy with that decision. It's OK for him to be fed up with that. A good thing to do in this situation is to find a way to enforce the limit without engaging in any negotiation or arguments at the time that it happens. The parental controls as someone else suggested are great here, because you can set a max amount of time and the kid can't argue with the computer. Or, they can, but it's not going to argue back :P
Another way to do it is get into the settings of your router and have the wi-fi automatically disconnect at a certain time. This is more of a problem because if he is playing certain games online, then they might not save progress if he gets kicked out with no warning, whereas the inbuilt parental controls do come up with a warning.
Or if for example you have set up screen time as an earned reward, it's a good idea to have coming off reasonably (define this, e.g. without shouting, without violence) as a condition for the next day's screen time. Or even without it being an earned thing, you can reward/praise/etc coming off the screen time promptly and without arguing about it.
Of course, you should also try to see his point of view. Some games you can pause and quit whenever, some things you really can't and you have to get to a save point or complete a level in order to be able to save. At six there are probably fewer of these, but I would highly recommend staying interested and involved with what he is doing on screens as he gets older so that you can understand any limitations or things that will make it hard for him to meet your expectation. Sometimes when it's coming up to the time that I want my child to stop, I will say that and we come to an agreement together e.g. until the end of this episode, or until he has finished building this bridge, or I set a timer for however many minutes. This helps the transition be easier for him because he has had some input into it. If he wants to e.g. finish building something which is too ambitious, then I will remind him that he can build more later/tomorrow, but that is probably too much for now and we try to think of a point where it feels reasonable to stop.
For me, the absence of conflict is where you are allowed to set a limit and the child is allowed to be upset or angry about it, but the limit is enforced in a way which does not require cooperation from the child, which means you're not getting into a stand off. It is the stand off or trying to gain higher ground by overpowering, outlasting, etc each other which is stressful. Being reminded of a limit that you don't like might not be enjoyable, but it's not stressful in the same way.
If you want more of a collaborative approach it might be best to open up a conversation and figure out a plan between you, then in the moment it can be easier to stick to that plan - you can also get more info about what works for him vs what is hard for him this way.
Check out Grownowadhd on IG. He strongly recommends limiting gaming devices and tablets for kiddos with adhd that experience disregulation surrounding their use. I totally understand needing a break, we all do. One of the things he suggests is letting a kiddo watch tv instead (not on a tablet or device), because it’s simply not going to give them that addictive dopamine hit that a video game will.
You’ll find out what works for you and your kiddo, but he does have good strategy.
Mine is obsessed with Roblox on iPad. I chucked the iPad last week. As long as it was on the table even for other uses, it was negotiable. He wanted to do NOTHING else. We barely met him. We tried limiting the time but it was constant whining, dysregulation and going through everything else without being present. Schoolwork suffered both at home and at school. His mind was occupied with the iPad 24/7. It was all he talked about.
He is a changed kid after we got rid of the iPad. We’re getting more hugs and kisses, he can do math, he behaves better overall, plays with other kids and his brother and with toys. He whines and wants it back sometimes, but is negotiating less and less about it. I don’t think their brain is mature enough to handle it so I think it’s damaging with such early exposure.
Yeah, reflecting to my 6th Christmas and we got the Super NES with DK Country or Tetris- I would simply Gove up after an hour because I had siblings to play with or neighbour's... something about this generation, they don't commune at parks, parents are always Edgy even if they are there -it's tough to connect with others period-
Tuesday went great , no tech at all
Yesterday he had 1 hour and complied but this morning it's "can I play before school", hard no. I'm going to keep limiting it to only 1 hour a few times in school week- or procrastinate being home to build a new routine
Thanks for sharing. Glad you found some success!!
I have ADHD myself so my childhood was either spent playing PlayStation or reading books. My parents were not very involved and used an authoritarian parenting style due to their own issues. I was diagnosed late and struggled a lot in school, fell behind several years. When I got diagnosis and medication, I completed three university degrees in a short time. My parents used to rave about how great it was that the PlayStation was so engaging. Guess I wasn’t getting on their nerves anymore.
Keep it up! Sending you strength and best wishes to get through the tough period. It gets better.
Hang in there! Single mama here too and I totally get just how tiring everything can feel. Personally I think spend a couple of weeks working on yourself first so you can have more energy for your son. For me time is so super precious and finite that eating well and being active are often pushed to the side for “later”. I was spending a lot of my down time being fairly inactive too thinking I just needed to relax/rest. But recently I’ve realised that I was stressed more than ever! I’ve spent the last few weeks getting myself back on track (nowhere near where I want to be but what’s manageable) and it’s honestly made a huge difference! I only made small changes too (mostly getting myself moving more and walking more)
And then for your son - you could actually do a lot of the above together. So cooking meals together and doing some physical activity. My kids love playing dance and sing on the switch (singing isn’t that physical but we always end up dancing lol). There’s other active switch games you can do together too. I don’t normally prepare any toys etc for my kids to play with but your son might need a little guidance initially to help him detach. Save that for a weekend so you can explore his toys together and see what he’ll play with for an extended period (so that when he says he has nothing to do you know what to suggest). On a daily my kids gravitate to Lego, drawing and playing cars. We also have play couches that get a lot of use. If your son is into cars he might like to set up some elaborate tracks throughout the house?
It’s up to you how much you want to cut back, but I think you’ll find it easier doing a more extreme cull so that you’re not fighting about it daily (well, he will initially but once you get through that it will be easier). We mostly leave all of that for the weekend and I make sure I spend time with them doing it too. So we might go for a bike ride, come back and watch a movie and then stay up late dancing/singing
Hope some of this helps x
Purely anecdotal, but both our kids (7&9) do better with <50min and if there is a timer they can see that is counting down for them. Lots of warnings about the end coming up, then off. It's hard. But it's very frustrating when they play longer, their behavior just goes to shit!
You're at a really hard and demanding age. I feel like I got over the hump of being constantly required in just the last year or so when my eldest turned 7. I completely empathize with you. I had to keep doing trial and error until I found something that worked which is 2 movie nights a week with Switch time at my discretion if they've been keep up with good behavior throughout the week. Not much else here, just empathy. You love your kids and thats worth a whole mountain.
My kid is seven and the Nintendo switch has been something we have discussed a lot. I turned on the parenting control and set it to 1 hour. I told him that I can see on my phone how long he is playing and if the time is not respected, the next day he won't play. This helped us control the situation better, and give them rules that they can agree on. Another thing is, if he wants to extend the play time, he needs to do homework. For example, each exercise is 5 min more. This gives him motivation to do homework and it's a bonus he wants. This plan is not fool proof and sometimes he pretends that he doesn't hear the timer but we are always around him and remember him upon the agreement. That also helps us regulate him cause he knows the rule and doesn't have a meltdown over the end of a game. One thing we respect though is when he is playing online, he asks us to finish the game and we usually let him finish the game
I get what people talk about with cutting screen time completely. We heavily limit the games on our iPad. We originally had it for our long drive vacation (it was the tv as the house doesn’t have one for vacation) but after the second trip we couldn’t just hide it in the closet again.
Last summer I was burnt out and let the kids play games and watch tv way more than I would have allowed. My father passed away, and my mother was on a ventilator so we had to rush to sell their house an hour away. Ah the memories of sitting in an empty house with my kids while they play switch and the tablet 🫠 I regrouped during the school year but it took a while for my kids to get use to playing again. Now they barely watch tv in the morning before school and asking to play video games is pretty rare.
This is what we do but as a lot of people mention you have to find a right balance. Watching TV is fairly unlimited. We only have one in our living room, and I am not a fan of it but there is a lot playing while watch tv. I usually let it slide on school days because I get a 1st grader maybe a little mentally burned out when coming home. There will be pushback next year as homework I think starts. But with games so far our current balance has been earning it on weekends like reading for 20 min. Like this summer I think we are going to make visiting my Mom and having him read to her be a way to “earn” video games. Or frame it as, we can’t do it until we visit nana.
I wouldn’t fear too much about having a schedule since adhd kids do pretty well with them. Best of luck!
I encourage you to check out thegamereducator (I follow on Insta but they may be on other platforms, too). Their insights on gaming and neurodiversity have helped me in setting rules with my son. I don’t necessarily have any feedback for you. I struggle with technology, too. I am a single parent too and sometimes use it so I can take a break and rest or do chores. It’s hard, though, to get them to shift to something else when technology gives them the dopamine hits their little brains need!
Thankyou!
Also, I’ve had a few solid weeks of “run away in the woods” thoughts.. so, solidarity. I get it.
There's a parental control app for the Switch. You can set a time limit and when it's up the software becomes unavailable without a PIN. You can do the same on an iPad. Having it set up the way really helped me maintain those limits, because there's no arguing & no power struggle about turning it off. It just stops working. I'm a single parent, special education teacher, and both my kids have ADHD/AuDHD. Maintaining consistent screen time limits is an absolute MUST in my house.
I should add my kids get 2 hours of screen time total across all devices now as teenagers. Before they were 13 it was an hour.
This also helped us. I'm not the bad guy wrestling the device away anymore, it locks and she hands it over willingly because she knows.
I would recommend experimenting to find the right balance. I found with my eldest ADHD kid, unlimited time meant he would literally be glued to screens every minute he was awake. It felt wrong and I'm sure it didn't help his attention span/emotional regulation. Cutting it with a time limit was not helpful for us because he would spend the entire time he wasn't allowed on screens asking "When is it screen time?" "Is it screen time yet?" "How much longer?" or flopping and sighing and demanding to be entertained. No he did not go off and use his boredom creatively, lol. However when I cut it back right down to a third, so that would be max 3 hours at weekends and max 90 mins on school days, all the obsession over screens stopped. Yes there was still a lot of being talked at, but he was much more likely to choose other activities rather than obsessing over the screens. This is basically what we did until he got to an age (in his teens) that he said hey, none of my friends have screen limits, can I have unlimited time again? And he was better able to self-regulate at that age. The other thing to try to be aware of is the type of game/media. I notice with my 5yo (likely AuDHD but unconfirmed) he has a way harder time coming off games like the "Fork 'n' Sausage" type thing which are designed specfically to be addictive with constant dopamine hits. We get a lot of "Nooooooo just one more level!" Most of these, I don't allow. That one is a current exception and it may be gone soon. And video apps like youtube which are algorithm driven and select content for you and are full of channels with 3+ hour long repetitive loops - these can also be hard to come off, compared with apps like Netflix that play an episode and then stop (I would recommend going in and changing all the settings to disable autoplay, auto preview etc). I am also pretty ruthless with blocking channels that I think contribute to general zombification and/or obnoxiousness. This is something I have noticed for myself too - certain kinds of games on my phone give me a kind of amped up, just gotta keep playing one more round kind of feeling. It's unpleasant but it draws me back in. I have also noticed that ADHD medication (that I take) helps me not get stuck in screen activities. If you think he is genuinely struggling to engage in other activities and environmental changes aren't helping then it might be worth opening up this conversation with his doctor. We did earning screen time for a while with my eldest to work on specific wanted behaviours, which worked really well. I don't do it with my 5yo because I have a 2yo as well and it's too difficult to allow it for one but restrict it for the other. Some days the screens are on all day (ack) and some days we have a better balance and some days it's sort of on but they are doing their own thing and it doesn't matter. Different things seem to work at different times. Definitely worth trying something new if your current set up is not working. > I cant get the lingo down to get him to cooperate. I want harmony and responsibility in our home. Am I corrupted by gentle parenting here? If you're aiming for him to fully and totally happily agree with and enthusiastically comply with everything you say ever, then yeah, you're being corrupted by a gentle parenting myth. Harmony meaning every single person agrees at all times? This isn't realistic. Lack of conflict in that interaction? This is definitely possible, but might look different to how you imagine. It's OK to unilaterally set a limit even if he is not happy with that decision. It's OK for him to be fed up with that. A good thing to do in this situation is to find a way to enforce the limit without engaging in any negotiation or arguments at the time that it happens. The parental controls as someone else suggested are great here, because you can set a max amount of time and the kid can't argue with the computer. Or, they can, but it's not going to argue back :P Another way to do it is get into the settings of your router and have the wi-fi automatically disconnect at a certain time. This is more of a problem because if he is playing certain games online, then they might not save progress if he gets kicked out with no warning, whereas the inbuilt parental controls do come up with a warning. Or if for example you have set up screen time as an earned reward, it's a good idea to have coming off reasonably (define this, e.g. without shouting, without violence) as a condition for the next day's screen time. Or even without it being an earned thing, you can reward/praise/etc coming off the screen time promptly and without arguing about it. Of course, you should also try to see his point of view. Some games you can pause and quit whenever, some things you really can't and you have to get to a save point or complete a level in order to be able to save. At six there are probably fewer of these, but I would highly recommend staying interested and involved with what he is doing on screens as he gets older so that you can understand any limitations or things that will make it hard for him to meet your expectation. Sometimes when it's coming up to the time that I want my child to stop, I will say that and we come to an agreement together e.g. until the end of this episode, or until he has finished building this bridge, or I set a timer for however many minutes. This helps the transition be easier for him because he has had some input into it. If he wants to e.g. finish building something which is too ambitious, then I will remind him that he can build more later/tomorrow, but that is probably too much for now and we try to think of a point where it feels reasonable to stop. For me, the absence of conflict is where you are allowed to set a limit and the child is allowed to be upset or angry about it, but the limit is enforced in a way which does not require cooperation from the child, which means you're not getting into a stand off. It is the stand off or trying to gain higher ground by overpowering, outlasting, etc each other which is stressful. Being reminded of a limit that you don't like might not be enjoyable, but it's not stressful in the same way. If you want more of a collaborative approach it might be best to open up a conversation and figure out a plan between you, then in the moment it can be easier to stick to that plan - you can also get more info about what works for him vs what is hard for him this way.
Check out Grownowadhd on IG. He strongly recommends limiting gaming devices and tablets for kiddos with adhd that experience disregulation surrounding their use. I totally understand needing a break, we all do. One of the things he suggests is letting a kiddo watch tv instead (not on a tablet or device), because it’s simply not going to give them that addictive dopamine hit that a video game will. You’ll find out what works for you and your kiddo, but he does have good strategy.
Thankyou!
Mine is obsessed with Roblox on iPad. I chucked the iPad last week. As long as it was on the table even for other uses, it was negotiable. He wanted to do NOTHING else. We barely met him. We tried limiting the time but it was constant whining, dysregulation and going through everything else without being present. Schoolwork suffered both at home and at school. His mind was occupied with the iPad 24/7. It was all he talked about. He is a changed kid after we got rid of the iPad. We’re getting more hugs and kisses, he can do math, he behaves better overall, plays with other kids and his brother and with toys. He whines and wants it back sometimes, but is negotiating less and less about it. I don’t think their brain is mature enough to handle it so I think it’s damaging with such early exposure.
Yeah, reflecting to my 6th Christmas and we got the Super NES with DK Country or Tetris- I would simply Gove up after an hour because I had siblings to play with or neighbour's... something about this generation, they don't commune at parks, parents are always Edgy even if they are there -it's tough to connect with others period- Tuesday went great , no tech at all Yesterday he had 1 hour and complied but this morning it's "can I play before school", hard no. I'm going to keep limiting it to only 1 hour a few times in school week- or procrastinate being home to build a new routine Thanks for sharing. Glad you found some success!!
I have ADHD myself so my childhood was either spent playing PlayStation or reading books. My parents were not very involved and used an authoritarian parenting style due to their own issues. I was diagnosed late and struggled a lot in school, fell behind several years. When I got diagnosis and medication, I completed three university degrees in a short time. My parents used to rave about how great it was that the PlayStation was so engaging. Guess I wasn’t getting on their nerves anymore. Keep it up! Sending you strength and best wishes to get through the tough period. It gets better.
Hang in there! Single mama here too and I totally get just how tiring everything can feel. Personally I think spend a couple of weeks working on yourself first so you can have more energy for your son. For me time is so super precious and finite that eating well and being active are often pushed to the side for “later”. I was spending a lot of my down time being fairly inactive too thinking I just needed to relax/rest. But recently I’ve realised that I was stressed more than ever! I’ve spent the last few weeks getting myself back on track (nowhere near where I want to be but what’s manageable) and it’s honestly made a huge difference! I only made small changes too (mostly getting myself moving more and walking more) And then for your son - you could actually do a lot of the above together. So cooking meals together and doing some physical activity. My kids love playing dance and sing on the switch (singing isn’t that physical but we always end up dancing lol). There’s other active switch games you can do together too. I don’t normally prepare any toys etc for my kids to play with but your son might need a little guidance initially to help him detach. Save that for a weekend so you can explore his toys together and see what he’ll play with for an extended period (so that when he says he has nothing to do you know what to suggest). On a daily my kids gravitate to Lego, drawing and playing cars. We also have play couches that get a lot of use. If your son is into cars he might like to set up some elaborate tracks throughout the house? It’s up to you how much you want to cut back, but I think you’ll find it easier doing a more extreme cull so that you’re not fighting about it daily (well, he will initially but once you get through that it will be easier). We mostly leave all of that for the weekend and I make sure I spend time with them doing it too. So we might go for a bike ride, come back and watch a movie and then stay up late dancing/singing Hope some of this helps x
Purely anecdotal, but both our kids (7&9) do better with <50min and if there is a timer they can see that is counting down for them. Lots of warnings about the end coming up, then off. It's hard. But it's very frustrating when they play longer, their behavior just goes to shit!
You're at a really hard and demanding age. I feel like I got over the hump of being constantly required in just the last year or so when my eldest turned 7. I completely empathize with you. I had to keep doing trial and error until I found something that worked which is 2 movie nights a week with Switch time at my discretion if they've been keep up with good behavior throughout the week. Not much else here, just empathy. You love your kids and thats worth a whole mountain.
My kid is seven and the Nintendo switch has been something we have discussed a lot. I turned on the parenting control and set it to 1 hour. I told him that I can see on my phone how long he is playing and if the time is not respected, the next day he won't play. This helped us control the situation better, and give them rules that they can agree on. Another thing is, if he wants to extend the play time, he needs to do homework. For example, each exercise is 5 min more. This gives him motivation to do homework and it's a bonus he wants. This plan is not fool proof and sometimes he pretends that he doesn't hear the timer but we are always around him and remember him upon the agreement. That also helps us regulate him cause he knows the rule and doesn't have a meltdown over the end of a game. One thing we respect though is when he is playing online, he asks us to finish the game and we usually let him finish the game
why dont you just use the restrictive features on it all and totally remove all youtube netflix and disney for some time
I get what people talk about with cutting screen time completely. We heavily limit the games on our iPad. We originally had it for our long drive vacation (it was the tv as the house doesn’t have one for vacation) but after the second trip we couldn’t just hide it in the closet again. Last summer I was burnt out and let the kids play games and watch tv way more than I would have allowed. My father passed away, and my mother was on a ventilator so we had to rush to sell their house an hour away. Ah the memories of sitting in an empty house with my kids while they play switch and the tablet 🫠 I regrouped during the school year but it took a while for my kids to get use to playing again. Now they barely watch tv in the morning before school and asking to play video games is pretty rare. This is what we do but as a lot of people mention you have to find a right balance. Watching TV is fairly unlimited. We only have one in our living room, and I am not a fan of it but there is a lot playing while watch tv. I usually let it slide on school days because I get a 1st grader maybe a little mentally burned out when coming home. There will be pushback next year as homework I think starts. But with games so far our current balance has been earning it on weekends like reading for 20 min. Like this summer I think we are going to make visiting my Mom and having him read to her be a way to “earn” video games. Or frame it as, we can’t do it until we visit nana. I wouldn’t fear too much about having a schedule since adhd kids do pretty well with them. Best of luck!