My aunt ended up with her husband’s first wife’s (imma call her Annie’s) chihuahua.
Annie isn’t that dramatic kinda ex though, she is actually pretty awesome, she and my uncle just weren’t right for each other I think. Maybe there was some kind of hurt, but they seem to be very amicable and Annie attends family gatherings sometimes when she doesn’t have somewhere else to be for a holiday.
Anyway, Annie’s brother had cancer and she packed up to move to his state and care for him. But her dog couldn’t go due to his low AF immune system so she sent Bibbity with her kids to Aunt’s house. I presume this was cleared ahead of time because as I said, Annie is great, but for me as a preteen it was “POP! Now a dog lives here too.”
Three years later her brother passed away (note: Annie was active in her kids’ lives during this time, they spent summers with her and their uncle and she came down as often as she could. But she didn’t wanna pull the kids out of their school and probably also didn’t wanna take them from their home state and dad/stepmom. She missed them insanely though, she paid for them, me and two other cousins to be driven to her brother’s state and she and her brother were super enthusiastic to see us and spoil us rotten.) and she returned to Homestate.
Auntie took over Bibbity but about a week later Annie returned her because “she misses you too much, if you want her back, I promise I won’t hold it against you, I just want her happy.” (Paraphrased but I was present for the conversation and I think my memories capture the spirit at least.)
Which is why now my aunt has a story about her husband buying his ex wife a $600 dog. (Pup was an elder chihuahua in another state, my aunt and uncle arranged for transport to our state as a birthday surprise for her. I think Annie picked the dog but I don’t remember much about it, just being forbidden from EVER telling Annie what they paid to get her dog here.)
His name was Jim Boy, and last I checked his post has been taken up by a little Pom-Chi named Diet Sprite.
I think it's a little different here because they're explicitly no-contact. He might just not be asking after the cat because he's trying to respect that.
Maybe. There's a lot of context absent from the post that would be necessary to make that assertion.
OP said he's an addict. Chances are pretty good that he doesn't have enough stability in his life to take care of another being. It's possible he made the decision to leave his cat with OP because he thought it was the best thing for the cat's wellbeing.
I would just tell the family member and say “idk if you wanna let him know, I mean he hasn’t asked or anything about cat in 6 months but yeah” then that way the ball is in their court and decision is up to said family member 🤣
This is the way. If you’re not in contact with him, you can’t make a good call as to whether this information is something he could handle right now. His family members can best decide that, and it’s not fair to yourself to carry around the heaviness of constantly wondering whether you should tell him the cat passed on.
Inform his family, and be sure to tell them a few details of the passing, so he can ask THEM and not YOU any follow-up questions he has. Also, I’d make it clear to the family that he cannot use the cat’s passing as a reason to try to contact you directly.
This is what I did with an ex's dog. We all adored the dog, and ex couldn't take him, so I did. When the dog died, I sent a message with pictures to a mutual friend. A few days later, the friend forwarded a very nice message of thanks and appreciation. It was actually a very healing experience after a bad re!ationship.
First: way to go with how you speak of his usage disorders. So many people who have exes with drug or alcohol problems are so mean about it and I want to commend you for how you are speaking differently.
Second, I’d let it go for now since he hasn’t asked about the cat and the cat was very old. I’d tell him, just tell him when you can ascertain that he’s doing ok. Maybe tell a family member of his and ask them to figure out when the right time to tell him is.
I think it's important to remember that loving someone who has a substance abuse issue should be treated with some compassion even if they don't speak with kindness about their loved one. There's a whole range of traumatic emotions tied to that kind of relationship from being incapable of negative judgment because you love them so much to extreme anger and resentment because they "picked addiction" over you. Dealing with those emotions in healthy ways while potentially trying to support your loved one is a massive undertaking and some people quite literally have to learn to allow themselves to be mad at their loved one and then how to process their anger in a healthy way.
Theres support groups for people with loved ones afflicted by addiction if you're someone in that situation looking for support. I personally recommend AlAnon for alcoholism specifically!
I remember that it runs in my family and I’m damn lucky to not have gotten it. I’m glad I’ve been able to hold empathy for my partner as he navigated the illness, and recovery. But I agree that it’s hard.
My dad was an addict. It killed him. He didn’t overdose - he abused things like Valium which he actually needed and ended up having a heart attack because he didn’t have his BP meds - he had taken them all. But he also liked opiates like Percocet. He was legally prescribed these medications but quickly became hooked on them.
Because of this, I’m so terrified of being like him. I refuse opiates even when I’ve had surgery etc (I’m disabled so happens a lot). I was prescribed Tramadol after surgery earlier this year (I know not an opiate but it’s a narcotic which isn’t better) and the RX is still on my fridge because I was too scared to fill it.
Addiction is fcking scary and I’ll be damned if I let it take me like it took my dad.
EDIT: Punctuation and verb tense
This is the absolute best description I've ever read about loving an addict. I was the addict for decades until my chaos starting really tearing apart everyone that matters to me almost to the point of complete destruction. I've ruined 75% of my relationships with friends and family. I got completely sober for my children because they deserve to know that they were enough. Pills were never more important than they are and never will be.
And to OP, I agree with the above suggestion about letting his family know and if they feel they should let him know, then they can take on that burden. Protect your peace. I'm sure it's already been disrupted enough.
Yep, I’ve attended Al-Anon. I think it would have been more beneficial to me before my husband got sober, but he’s completed rehab, the steps, and is about to start sponsoring so I find myself really just needing my regular therapy sessions! Thanks for reaching out.
I'm sorry, but all the comments that say "if he hasn't asked about the cat in 6 months he just doesn't care" piss me off because they are assuming things about a person and their personal situation that they don't know.
He has lived with that cat all his life, remember the cat was 19 years old!!!!
They had a NC agreement (one reason why he may not have contacted the OP these months), and by the OP's post, he has mental and addiction issues... 6 months can go by so incredibly fast, much more in his situation (we don't even know if he has had health issues from his addictions, if he has been in a facility/rehab these months...). That person deserves to know that the cat has passed away.
The OP can decide whether to tell him directly or through a family member or mutual friend, but I still think you guys are being very quick to judge him without even knowing that person's circumstances. I don't think someone who takes care of a cat for 19 years doesn't care that his cat passed away, just sometimes life is hard and goes by fast.
I don't think she should tell him - not because I assume he doesn't care, but because I assume there is a reason he hasn't asked. The cat was ancient, he surely knows the end is near, maybe he hasn't asked because he knows he is not mentally well enough to receive that kind of news.
We didn't tell my guy's ex that her dog passed. She abandoned the dog a couple years ago and never asked after her. I both felt angry that she'd abandoned the dog and also like it was a rubbing salt in an old wound to reach out with bad news.
You should ask a legal person (lawyer) honestly. But, with No Contact, you can't tell him. Sorry, but that would break the No Contact. When I went through my divorce, my safety was prioritized. We used a court ordered app for communications that the judge had access to as well (the judge could access all of our communications, even those we deleted). Those were all court admissible as well. You really need to contact your lawyer you're using for the divorce for this question, period.
If you have no contact, there's a reason for it. If he's not asked about his cat, he probably is not doing so because of the courts orders affecting his behavior, in reality. Again, you can advise your lawyer, who can advise his lawyer.
I think checking with your legal representative is a good idea.
Honestly only you know how he might react to the news. Does he have any paranoia issues and might blame you or do you think he will just be sad?
He would blame me and be sad. He was always very slow on euthanasia with pets when it was time. I always had to step in and get the blame. I don’t think he would believe anything I said about it. I am glad it was a peaceful passing at home. I would have brought the cat to the vet for euthanasia if he was suffering.. I spoke with the vet about it two weeks ago. Poor old cat really went with feline grace.
I think probably not if you are at all uncomfortable doing so. Since you say the divorce is contentious, I imagine your lawyer might advise you to have no contact with him or his family other than through attorneys. As you describe him, this person is unstable and dangerous. He has abdicated ownership of the cat at this point I think.
Do what you, feel is right, maybe you forgot too, we’re all human and miss, forget things. If he has a sponsor, perhaps he could help tell him? Good luck. Peace and love.
I would be really hurt if no one told me. If it took like 10 months for me to find out my cat died, I would feel like the biggest piece of shit failure. I understand your situation is complicated and definitely your safety comes first (will he blame you for the cat's passing or them being separated at the end?). But I think it would be best to pass the news onto a family member so they can share with him or withhold as appropriate. Then the burden is off you.
Just a piece of information that you may need: If a vet was involved they often send a condolences card to the address on file. I am pointing this out in case it was listed at his address or old address. Not all vets do this, but when our cat died the emergency vet, cremation services, and vet all sent us a card.
I'm sorry for your loss. He may have started out with your ex, but you offered kitty a kind and safe life at the end and I'm sure kitty appreciates that.
My suggestion is to go to someone you have in common but you completely trust and let them know. They can address it with his support network and then the decision is out of your hands. If you have safety concerns that's a different story.
A completely different opinion - you should do whatever feels right based on your values and your safety!
I am the type of person who would tell. I will probably need to do it soon with my ex, as our cat (it was actually his) is aging fast. Despite the fact we haven’t talked for two years.
But also consider your safety- I have no safety issues with my ex.
This is a hard one. Why are you NC? Has he not asked after it due to the NC but actually loves that cat so much he thinks about it all the time but his current circumstances meant he couldn’t look after it.
Will the news of its death make his alcoholism and drug use worse/cause a relapse?
Even if I was NC I would still love my ex’s animals and be upset if they had been a big part of my life.
Absolutely I would tell him. As you said you’re no contact so how would he check in about the cat? Pass word along in whatever way you’re comfortable with complete info so he doesn’t need to reach out but gets the information.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I obviously have no knowledge of your situation or your ex's temperament, but before making the decision to inform him or not, ask if there is any way your ex could use it against you, and if they would.
People are very much capable of using a beloved pet, past or present, for emotional manipulation, even in a no-contact context.
My ex told many of our friends-in-common a pack of lies about how I treated him and our dog around her passing. I will not be notifying him of my/our other dog's passing when that sad day inevitably comes.
Don’t reach out to him and be silent he’s not well he won’t handle the news well. If his behavior is bad that’s even more of a reason to not tell him. However there’s pros and cons to both of you tell him now he’ll grieve and act out now but if he one day sobers up and finds out he could lose his progress it sucks but if telling him puts you in harms way don’t say anything.
If you can do so safely, yes.
I've been in a similar situation and I tried my hardest not to let his issues dictate how I want to treat anyone, including him. So I did let him know about his cat with the absolute essentials, either directly or via his family.
However your safety comes first.
I got my ex's cat and he never asked about him. When I had to euthanize the cat I didn't tell my ex a damn thing. He didn't deserve that cat, he was my little soul mate.
Honestly, if I were in his shoes, I would want to know. If you can do it in any way that is safe for you, I would let him know.
I had a no-contact, addict ex who I broke no contact with to let him know our shared cat had passed away. It went leaps and bounds toward having a good relationship with him years later after he sobered up.
My ex also did not ask after my cat in the period after the breakup, but it was because he was respecting the no-contact. He wasn't emotionally un-invested in her wellbeing.
I just had to make a similar decision with my brother. I chose not to tell him. It feels wrong but protecting myself is more important than an animal who is already gone.
There will be an opportunity for him to find out, let that come. Do not be the bearer of bad news because "it's the right thing to do". He was never interested in doing the right thing, why give him that courtesy in exchange?
Objectively the right thing to do is let them know somehow. However, circumstances make is more of a grey area, best to tell a family member and have them decide “when he’s ready to hear potentially upsetting news” best of luck with healing, nta
Speak with your attorney before saying anything. The topic of the cat may come up at some point during the process of divorcing.
I would not communicate anything to anyone else until after your attorney has weighed in.
Is he currently in therapy or addiction counseling on a regular basis with people in place? I wouldn’t break that news unless he has a serious support system.
Since you’re currently NC due to all that’s going on, you can’t directly tell him about the cat. You also don’t know what kind of head space he’s in, either. If you think not informing him of the cats passing will set him off on you once he finds out, maybe consider asking your lawyer to pass the need to his lawyer and let his lawyer determine if he’s “well enough” to take the news. He may or may not have bothered trying to find out how his cat is doing since he’s not allowed to contact OP, but he could’ve asked his lawyer to pass on an update on it if he was truly concerned.
It’s up to you. But whatever you decide to do, make sure you do it in a safe manner. Do t tell him yourself. Only pass the news onto him via your buffer-your lawyer to his- if you decide to pass the info on.
Do not reach out to him. He sounds like hes been in a bad place for a while now and this may make it worse. Idk why you would even ask if you know trouble will follow with him blaming you. Just stay NC and tell him when its safe.
Most of me agrees, it’s not a good idea to reach out. Small part of me wants to do “the right thing” by letting him know.
A vast majority of responders here agree that it’s best to be silent about it, and that has helped a lot.
He was a great cat 🐈
I broke up with somebody and moved across the country years ago. We were not on good terms after that. However, on holidays, I would send him pictures of our dog, and slowly he would respond back to them. I did inform him over a decade later, when our dog got sick and ultimately passed. He was grateful.
I would recommend you don’t tell him, you don’t know where he is mentally at this moment and I’d be concerned if you brought it up that he could blame you or target you. He hasn’t asked about the cat in 6 months, if he reaches out to ask about kitty then I would let him know. But for now just keep this information to yourself. If you feel guilty about not letting him know, write a letter, seal it and keep it in your possession until he reaches out. Maybe keep his collar or some of his toys with the letter thhat way he has a memento and you can move on. Keep yourself safe, you left for a reason and only you know why that is.
IMO there is no reason to tell him. I had 3 pets with a previous partner. I never talked to him again after I took all 3 (and never thought twice about telling them when they passed)
Telling him would be cruel. If he cared about it, which it sounds like he doesn't, it'd be devastating news. If he doesn't, your telling him could come off as you intentionally trying to hurt him emotionally. Your family is right on this.
Yes, tell through the family member. It's been six months and it's an elderly cat, so no one will blame you. His family can decide if he's able to handle the news.
Depends what you agreed to. Did he ask you to tell him if it happened? Did you promise you'd tell him if the cat died? Or did he not request and you not guarantee any communication about the cat?
My ex and I guaranteed that if there was ever a situation where money may mean the difference between life and death of one of the cats we had to split between us, we would reach out. And I did, and he ignored it. Our oldest is now getting very old if he still has her, and I haven't heard a thing about her since 2015, though I've seen maybe two photos of her when keeping my semi-annual track of where he is to make sure I'm aware if we ever end up living in the same city again. I really doubt I will find out when she dies, or the younger one. At this point I'm ok with that. I am however the phone number on her microchip, because he never updated it after we moved, and it was linked with the one in the cat I took, so I was able to change the number on them both at the same time 😆 so if in her old age she ever runs away, that cat is gonna be mine again lol
>My ex has mental health issues as well as alcohol and opioid use disorders.
In my experience this means unkind things that are not rooted in fact.
However, that is a bias. OP will know more than we do.
It depends on how long ago you split. If I had a cat for 18 years of my life and somebody didn’t notify me I would be distraught when finally finding out; however, if you split 10 years ago, fuck him. I hate to be that blunt, but since you said he hasn’t checked on the cat either, that kind of gives you fair game to just not say anything, 🤷🏼♀️
What would be the up side of him knowing? Of him not knowing?
What would be the down side of telling him? Of not telling him?
Figure out the pluses and minuses. Seems pretty clear to me which way the balance lies.
If he hasn't asked about the cat in 6 months, he doesn't care about it. That's your cat now, not his. Do not break your no contact situation to tell an addict with mental disorders about an animal they haven't checked on in 6 months.
He hasn’t asked about the cat, and the cat was 19. At this point the cat was yours, and at that age they can unfortunately go at any time.
I wouldn’t say anything or have anyone else say anything, feels like a risk of him using it as a reason to try to harass you or be mean.
Of course you tell him. I don't understand the "make safety your priority" or whatever comments. Telling one of his family members that you are apparently are in contact with and having not mentioned safety issues, I don't understand why you couldn't just offhand drop one a note and say "hey, ___'s cat passed away ___ day and I just thought I'd let you know since I have no contact with ___." Then it's just up to them to decide whether he would care or is in a space to receive the news. You probably don't take care of a cat for 19 years and have zero care for them? All of the issues you mention plus the fact you're no contact means that the cat was probably best off with you and he probably knew that.
Don’t tell him or anyone else shit to tell him. He hasn’t asked so it’s none of his business, and you’d put your safety at risk regardless of who tells him
How will this affect you?? The animal is already gone and this fact won’t change by morning of a year from now. If you want to avoid an issue them keep quiet until he asks.
As someone with a 16 year old cat, I’m constantly worried and thinking about his passing. I spend so much time with him bc he means so much to me and I know his days are counted. Sounds like your ex really doesn’t care about his cat, or he is too strung out to think about it. Maybe don’t tell him, especially if he is on drugs and could have a violent reaction. I’m glad the cat retired with you and not him!! Sounds much safer and relaxing for his final days.
no. absolutely not. it isnt "his" cat anymore.
for context, i welcomed a dog into my home years ago
when my ex moved in. When my ex cheated on me and left, she left the dog. only asked about the dog once when she noticed i was away on vacation. the dog passed away 3 weeks ago and we were so close it was ridiculous. she did find out, but not through me, probably through a friend on social media.
No.
When my dog passed while i was going through divorce (she was mine but my ex had been around most of her life), i told him just out of courtesy as he spent 9 years with her and he completely flipped out on me, saying he was gonna come visit her and why didn't i tell him she was sick blah blah... meanwhile he hadn't asked about her once after he moved out. He blew up my phone and just went mental. I eventually just blocked him and couldn't wait to finalize the divorce.
Not worth it.
If you are using attorneys, if you feel the need to tell him, have your attorney tell his attorney since you both are no contact. If you don't have attorneys I wouldn't say anything because, sometimes, even going thru a friend or family member can be a violation of the no contact order. You need to protect yourself first, though I understand wanting to let him know. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Don't let him know. He may OD. If he asks about his cat, then tell him. If he gets mad, tell him his addictions are a problem and you didn't want to put him through more mental distress.
I would respect his family's wishes, to be honest. They would be the ones that had to deal with him at first. And he could use this as an excuse to break the no- contact order. I'm sorry for your senior's loss, and I'm wishing all the best for you!
Make your safety your priority
If he hasn’t checked on the cat, I would no longer consider it his. I’ve had my husbands exs dog for 5 years now. That’s my dog. 🤷♀️
You mean your ex pre owned your dog, that’s your dog now sis
My aunt ended up with her husband’s first wife’s (imma call her Annie’s) chihuahua. Annie isn’t that dramatic kinda ex though, she is actually pretty awesome, she and my uncle just weren’t right for each other I think. Maybe there was some kind of hurt, but they seem to be very amicable and Annie attends family gatherings sometimes when she doesn’t have somewhere else to be for a holiday. Anyway, Annie’s brother had cancer and she packed up to move to his state and care for him. But her dog couldn’t go due to his low AF immune system so she sent Bibbity with her kids to Aunt’s house. I presume this was cleared ahead of time because as I said, Annie is great, but for me as a preteen it was “POP! Now a dog lives here too.” Three years later her brother passed away (note: Annie was active in her kids’ lives during this time, they spent summers with her and their uncle and she came down as often as she could. But she didn’t wanna pull the kids out of their school and probably also didn’t wanna take them from their home state and dad/stepmom. She missed them insanely though, she paid for them, me and two other cousins to be driven to her brother’s state and she and her brother were super enthusiastic to see us and spoil us rotten.) and she returned to Homestate. Auntie took over Bibbity but about a week later Annie returned her because “she misses you too much, if you want her back, I promise I won’t hold it against you, I just want her happy.” (Paraphrased but I was present for the conversation and I think my memories capture the spirit at least.) Which is why now my aunt has a story about her husband buying his ex wife a $600 dog. (Pup was an elder chihuahua in another state, my aunt and uncle arranged for transport to our state as a birthday surprise for her. I think Annie picked the dog but I don’t remember much about it, just being forbidden from EVER telling Annie what they paid to get her dog here.) His name was Jim Boy, and last I checked his post has been taken up by a little Pom-Chi named Diet Sprite.
I think it's a little different here because they're explicitly no-contact. He might just not be asking after the cat because he's trying to respect that.
But they are no contact because of something that has happened. If the cat was important he would have took the cat when he left
Maybe. There's a lot of context absent from the post that would be necessary to make that assertion. OP said he's an addict. Chances are pretty good that he doesn't have enough stability in his life to take care of another being. It's possible he made the decision to leave his cat with OP because he thought it was the best thing for the cat's wellbeing.
I would just tell the family member and say “idk if you wanna let him know, I mean he hasn’t asked or anything about cat in 6 months but yeah” then that way the ball is in their court and decision is up to said family member 🤣
This is the way. If you’re not in contact with him, you can’t make a good call as to whether this information is something he could handle right now. His family members can best decide that, and it’s not fair to yourself to carry around the heaviness of constantly wondering whether you should tell him the cat passed on. Inform his family, and be sure to tell them a few details of the passing, so he can ask THEM and not YOU any follow-up questions he has. Also, I’d make it clear to the family that he cannot use the cat’s passing as a reason to try to contact you directly.
This is what I did with an ex's dog. We all adored the dog, and ex couldn't take him, so I did. When the dog died, I sent a message with pictures to a mutual friend. A few days later, the friend forwarded a very nice message of thanks and appreciation. It was actually a very healing experience after a bad re!ationship.
First: way to go with how you speak of his usage disorders. So many people who have exes with drug or alcohol problems are so mean about it and I want to commend you for how you are speaking differently. Second, I’d let it go for now since he hasn’t asked about the cat and the cat was very old. I’d tell him, just tell him when you can ascertain that he’s doing ok. Maybe tell a family member of his and ask them to figure out when the right time to tell him is.
I think it's important to remember that loving someone who has a substance abuse issue should be treated with some compassion even if they don't speak with kindness about their loved one. There's a whole range of traumatic emotions tied to that kind of relationship from being incapable of negative judgment because you love them so much to extreme anger and resentment because they "picked addiction" over you. Dealing with those emotions in healthy ways while potentially trying to support your loved one is a massive undertaking and some people quite literally have to learn to allow themselves to be mad at their loved one and then how to process their anger in a healthy way. Theres support groups for people with loved ones afflicted by addiction if you're someone in that situation looking for support. I personally recommend AlAnon for alcoholism specifically!
loving an addict is like setting yourself on fire. and the ones who get it, get it. regardless of relation.
I remember that it runs in my family and I’m damn lucky to not have gotten it. I’m glad I’ve been able to hold empathy for my partner as he navigated the illness, and recovery. But I agree that it’s hard.
My dad was an addict. It killed him. He didn’t overdose - he abused things like Valium which he actually needed and ended up having a heart attack because he didn’t have his BP meds - he had taken them all. But he also liked opiates like Percocet. He was legally prescribed these medications but quickly became hooked on them. Because of this, I’m so terrified of being like him. I refuse opiates even when I’ve had surgery etc (I’m disabled so happens a lot). I was prescribed Tramadol after surgery earlier this year (I know not an opiate but it’s a narcotic which isn’t better) and the RX is still on my fridge because I was too scared to fill it. Addiction is fcking scary and I’ll be damned if I let it take me like it took my dad. EDIT: Punctuation and verb tense
This is the absolute best description I've ever read about loving an addict. I was the addict for decades until my chaos starting really tearing apart everyone that matters to me almost to the point of complete destruction. I've ruined 75% of my relationships with friends and family. I got completely sober for my children because they deserve to know that they were enough. Pills were never more important than they are and never will be. And to OP, I agree with the above suggestion about letting his family know and if they feel they should let him know, then they can take on that burden. Protect your peace. I'm sure it's already been disrupted enough.
Thank you.
It’s wild because being an addict is like setting yourself (*and* everyone you love!) on fire. I wish I didn’t *get it*
im on both sides of it unfortunately 😅
I love your username btw lol
Yep, I’ve attended Al-Anon. I think it would have been more beneficial to me before my husband got sober, but he’s completed rehab, the steps, and is about to start sponsoring so I find myself really just needing my regular therapy sessions! Thanks for reaching out.
If he hasn’t asked for six, he doesn’t care or too much in his head with his issues, leave it alone.
I'm sorry, but all the comments that say "if he hasn't asked about the cat in 6 months he just doesn't care" piss me off because they are assuming things about a person and their personal situation that they don't know. He has lived with that cat all his life, remember the cat was 19 years old!!!! They had a NC agreement (one reason why he may not have contacted the OP these months), and by the OP's post, he has mental and addiction issues... 6 months can go by so incredibly fast, much more in his situation (we don't even know if he has had health issues from his addictions, if he has been in a facility/rehab these months...). That person deserves to know that the cat has passed away. The OP can decide whether to tell him directly or through a family member or mutual friend, but I still think you guys are being very quick to judge him without even knowing that person's circumstances. I don't think someone who takes care of a cat for 19 years doesn't care that his cat passed away, just sometimes life is hard and goes by fast.
I don't think she should tell him - not because I assume he doesn't care, but because I assume there is a reason he hasn't asked. The cat was ancient, he surely knows the end is near, maybe he hasn't asked because he knows he is not mentally well enough to receive that kind of news.
If he doesn’t ask, why bother? If you had the cat in your care, it was YOUR cat.
We didn't tell my guy's ex that her dog passed. She abandoned the dog a couple years ago and never asked after her. I both felt angry that she'd abandoned the dog and also like it was a rubbing salt in an old wound to reach out with bad news.
You should ask a legal person (lawyer) honestly. But, with No Contact, you can't tell him. Sorry, but that would break the No Contact. When I went through my divorce, my safety was prioritized. We used a court ordered app for communications that the judge had access to as well (the judge could access all of our communications, even those we deleted). Those were all court admissible as well. You really need to contact your lawyer you're using for the divorce for this question, period. If you have no contact, there's a reason for it. If he's not asked about his cat, he probably is not doing so because of the courts orders affecting his behavior, in reality. Again, you can advise your lawyer, who can advise his lawyer.
I think checking with your legal representative is a good idea. Honestly only you know how he might react to the news. Does he have any paranoia issues and might blame you or do you think he will just be sad?
He would blame me and be sad. He was always very slow on euthanasia with pets when it was time. I always had to step in and get the blame. I don’t think he would believe anything I said about it. I am glad it was a peaceful passing at home. I would have brought the cat to the vet for euthanasia if he was suffering.. I spoke with the vet about it two weeks ago. Poor old cat really went with feline grace.
keep yourself safe OP. 🫂
Your family is right.
I would skip telling him. You have no responsibility to do so at this point and it could cause harm
I think probably not if you are at all uncomfortable doing so. Since you say the divorce is contentious, I imagine your lawyer might advise you to have no contact with him or his family other than through attorneys. As you describe him, this person is unstable and dangerous. He has abdicated ownership of the cat at this point I think.
Do what you, feel is right, maybe you forgot too, we’re all human and miss, forget things. If he has a sponsor, perhaps he could help tell him? Good luck. Peace and love.
I would be really hurt if no one told me. If it took like 10 months for me to find out my cat died, I would feel like the biggest piece of shit failure. I understand your situation is complicated and definitely your safety comes first (will he blame you for the cat's passing or them being separated at the end?). But I think it would be best to pass the news onto a family member so they can share with him or withhold as appropriate. Then the burden is off you.
He will definitely blame me for the cats passing.
Just a piece of information that you may need: If a vet was involved they often send a condolences card to the address on file. I am pointing this out in case it was listed at his address or old address. Not all vets do this, but when our cat died the emergency vet, cremation services, and vet all sent us a card. I'm sorry for your loss. He may have started out with your ex, but you offered kitty a kind and safe life at the end and I'm sure kitty appreciates that. My suggestion is to go to someone you have in common but you completely trust and let them know. They can address it with his support network and then the decision is out of your hands. If you have safety concerns that's a different story.
My ex was part of my dog's life and i was part of his dog's life. When each passed, we let the other know.
Tell the family member, let them tell him if they wish. I lose track of time frequently when i'm in my head.
A completely different opinion - you should do whatever feels right based on your values and your safety! I am the type of person who would tell. I will probably need to do it soon with my ex, as our cat (it was actually his) is aging fast. Despite the fact we haven’t talked for two years. But also consider your safety- I have no safety issues with my ex.
If he has not asked why, are you trying to tell him anything about anything 🤔..let him be.. why poke a bear... ur free
Never volunteer information. Period. Stay safe.
This is a hard one. Why are you NC? Has he not asked after it due to the NC but actually loves that cat so much he thinks about it all the time but his current circumstances meant he couldn’t look after it. Will the news of its death make his alcoholism and drug use worse/cause a relapse? Even if I was NC I would still love my ex’s animals and be upset if they had been a big part of my life.
Absolutely I would tell him. As you said you’re no contact so how would he check in about the cat? Pass word along in whatever way you’re comfortable with complete info so he doesn’t need to reach out but gets the information.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I obviously have no knowledge of your situation or your ex's temperament, but before making the decision to inform him or not, ask if there is any way your ex could use it against you, and if they would. People are very much capable of using a beloved pet, past or present, for emotional manipulation, even in a no-contact context. My ex told many of our friends-in-common a pack of lies about how I treated him and our dog around her passing. I will not be notifying him of my/our other dog's passing when that sad day inevitably comes.
Nope
If he hasn’t asked, I wouldn’t go out of my way to tell him.
Oh well it’s simple if you have an NC order, then you can’t. Perhaps vicariously through mutual friend? Good luck. Peace and love.
No, I wouldn't. Cats fine. Then one day maybe you'll never have to deal with him anymore.
Don’t reach out to him and be silent he’s not well he won’t handle the news well. If his behavior is bad that’s even more of a reason to not tell him. However there’s pros and cons to both of you tell him now he’ll grieve and act out now but if he one day sobers up and finds out he could lose his progress it sucks but if telling him puts you in harms way don’t say anything.
If you can do so safely, yes. I've been in a similar situation and I tried my hardest not to let his issues dictate how I want to treat anyone, including him. So I did let him know about his cat with the absolute essentials, either directly or via his family. However your safety comes first.
I wouldn't tell him through anyone. He can ask when he wants but it sounds like it's best not to poke the bear from what you've written.
I got my ex's cat and he never asked about him. When I had to euthanize the cat I didn't tell my ex a damn thing. He didn't deserve that cat, he was my little soul mate.
Honestly, if I were in his shoes, I would want to know. If you can do it in any way that is safe for you, I would let him know. I had a no-contact, addict ex who I broke no contact with to let him know our shared cat had passed away. It went leaps and bounds toward having a good relationship with him years later after he sobered up. My ex also did not ask after my cat in the period after the breakup, but it was because he was respecting the no-contact. He wasn't emotionally un-invested in her wellbeing.
No. Not the time. Telling him later vs now won’t make a difference. Seems like yall already have a lot going on
Don't poke unstable bears.
Just send him a little note in the mail. Never call or go in person. Be safe.
naw. Why bother?
I just had to make a similar decision with my brother. I chose not to tell him. It feels wrong but protecting myself is more important than an animal who is already gone. There will be an opportunity for him to find out, let that come. Do not be the bearer of bad news because "it's the right thing to do". He was never interested in doing the right thing, why give him that courtesy in exchange?
He has not asked for six month. Why would you let him know to what end?
I wouldn’t unless he reached out asking
Mention it to a mutual. Don't do anything that'd compromise your safety. My condolences about your cat.
Objectively the right thing to do is let them know somehow. However, circumstances make is more of a grey area, best to tell a family member and have them decide “when he’s ready to hear potentially upsetting news” best of luck with healing, nta
Keep quiet
i wouldn’t tell him, especially since he hasn’t even asked about them
Normally yes. In this case no. Good luck with everything.
Thank you.
Speak with your attorney before saying anything. The topic of the cat may come up at some point during the process of divorcing. I would not communicate anything to anyone else until after your attorney has weighed in.
If you think it might trigger irrational/unsafe behavior, don’t reach out or volunteer information.
Stay silent. He knew how old the cat was and never asked about it. Don’t put yourself in a position that he would have a reason to contact you.
Don’t do it
Is he currently in therapy or addiction counseling on a regular basis with people in place? I wouldn’t break that news unless he has a serious support system.
Since you’re currently NC due to all that’s going on, you can’t directly tell him about the cat. You also don’t know what kind of head space he’s in, either. If you think not informing him of the cats passing will set him off on you once he finds out, maybe consider asking your lawyer to pass the need to his lawyer and let his lawyer determine if he’s “well enough” to take the news. He may or may not have bothered trying to find out how his cat is doing since he’s not allowed to contact OP, but he could’ve asked his lawyer to pass on an update on it if he was truly concerned. It’s up to you. But whatever you decide to do, make sure you do it in a safe manner. Do t tell him yourself. Only pass the news onto him via your buffer-your lawyer to his- if you decide to pass the info on.
Do not reach out to him. He sounds like hes been in a bad place for a while now and this may make it worse. Idk why you would even ask if you know trouble will follow with him blaming you. Just stay NC and tell him when its safe.
Most of me agrees, it’s not a good idea to reach out. Small part of me wants to do “the right thing” by letting him know. A vast majority of responders here agree that it’s best to be silent about it, and that has helped a lot. He was a great cat 🐈
You probably shouldn’t let him know about this. It might just upset him.
Message: ‘your cat carked it”
I broke up with somebody and moved across the country years ago. We were not on good terms after that. However, on holidays, I would send him pictures of our dog, and slowly he would respond back to them. I did inform him over a decade later, when our dog got sick and ultimately passed. He was grateful.
I would recommend you don’t tell him, you don’t know where he is mentally at this moment and I’d be concerned if you brought it up that he could blame you or target you. He hasn’t asked about the cat in 6 months, if he reaches out to ask about kitty then I would let him know. But for now just keep this information to yourself. If you feel guilty about not letting him know, write a letter, seal it and keep it in your possession until he reaches out. Maybe keep his collar or some of his toys with the letter thhat way he has a memento and you can move on. Keep yourself safe, you left for a reason and only you know why that is.
No, wth? If he hasn’t asked he doesn’t care. Do not tell him
IMO there is no reason to tell him. I had 3 pets with a previous partner. I never talked to him again after I took all 3 (and never thought twice about telling them when they passed)
He hasn’t asked, so don’t tell.
Telling him would be cruel. If he cared about it, which it sounds like he doesn't, it'd be devastating news. If he doesn't, your telling him could come off as you intentionally trying to hurt him emotionally. Your family is right on this.
Nope, leave it alone. Doing that would just open up a can of worms.
I wouldn’t reach out to any of his family members or his friends. You don’t need to open a door that is closed.
Tell him if he asks.
Yes, tell through the family member. It's been six months and it's an elderly cat, so no one will blame you. His family can decide if he's able to handle the news.
If you think he will have a bad reaction and make the divorce even harder, don't tell. He hasn't asked about the cat so no need imo.
Depends what you agreed to. Did he ask you to tell him if it happened? Did you promise you'd tell him if the cat died? Or did he not request and you not guarantee any communication about the cat? My ex and I guaranteed that if there was ever a situation where money may mean the difference between life and death of one of the cats we had to split between us, we would reach out. And I did, and he ignored it. Our oldest is now getting very old if he still has her, and I haven't heard a thing about her since 2015, though I've seen maybe two photos of her when keeping my semi-annual track of where he is to make sure I'm aware if we ever end up living in the same city again. I really doubt I will find out when she dies, or the younger one. At this point I'm ok with that. I am however the phone number on her microchip, because he never updated it after we moved, and it was linked with the one in the cat I took, so I was able to change the number on them both at the same time 😆 so if in her old age she ever runs away, that cat is gonna be mine again lol
If he asks, I would tell him; otherwise I would be silent
Don't. They're just going to blame you.
For the demise of a 19 year old cat? That would be unreasonable.
>My ex has mental health issues as well as alcohol and opioid use disorders. In my experience this means unkind things that are not rooted in fact. However, that is a bias. OP will know more than we do.
It depends on how long ago you split. If I had a cat for 18 years of my life and somebody didn’t notify me I would be distraught when finally finding out; however, if you split 10 years ago, fuck him. I hate to be that blunt, but since you said he hasn’t checked on the cat either, that kind of gives you fair game to just not say anything, 🤷🏼♀️
Major cat rescue mom and dad here... The answer is NO! If he doesn't ask, don't tell. He's living in his own fantasy that all is ok so let it be.
What would be the up side of him knowing? Of him not knowing? What would be the down side of telling him? Of not telling him? Figure out the pluses and minuses. Seems pretty clear to me which way the balance lies.
I would be silent.
No. He never asked about the cat. Don't open the door.
No, don't let him know. I'd stay with the no contact.
If he hasn't asked about the cat in 6 months, he doesn't care about it. That's your cat now, not his. Do not break your no contact situation to tell an addict with mental disorders about an animal they haven't checked on in 6 months.
He hasn’t asked about the cat, and the cat was 19. At this point the cat was yours, and at that age they can unfortunately go at any time. I wouldn’t say anything or have anyone else say anything, feels like a risk of him using it as a reason to try to harass you or be mean.
He may not have asked because he knows he is not in a mental space to receive bad news. I would not tell him, and only would if he asks in the future.
Of course you tell him. I don't understand the "make safety your priority" or whatever comments. Telling one of his family members that you are apparently are in contact with and having not mentioned safety issues, I don't understand why you couldn't just offhand drop one a note and say "hey, ___'s cat passed away ___ day and I just thought I'd let you know since I have no contact with ___." Then it's just up to them to decide whether he would care or is in a space to receive the news. You probably don't take care of a cat for 19 years and have zero care for them? All of the issues you mention plus the fact you're no contact means that the cat was probably best off with you and he probably knew that.
The comments., these people know what they’re talking about. I’m sorry for your loss.
Since he has substance abuse issues, telling him might give him cause to using more.
Don’t tell him or anyone else shit to tell him. He hasn’t asked so it’s none of his business, and you’d put your safety at risk regardless of who tells him
How will this affect you?? The animal is already gone and this fact won’t change by morning of a year from now. If you want to avoid an issue them keep quiet until he asks.
As someone with a 16 year old cat, I’m constantly worried and thinking about his passing. I spend so much time with him bc he means so much to me and I know his days are counted. Sounds like your ex really doesn’t care about his cat, or he is too strung out to think about it. Maybe don’t tell him, especially if he is on drugs and could have a violent reaction. I’m glad the cat retired with you and not him!! Sounds much safer and relaxing for his final days.
No. He hasn’t asked about the cat.
Silence until he asks. If he cared about the cat, he'd have checked on it before now.
no. absolutely not. it isnt "his" cat anymore. for context, i welcomed a dog into my home years ago when my ex moved in. When my ex cheated on me and left, she left the dog. only asked about the dog once when she noticed i was away on vacation. the dog passed away 3 weeks ago and we were so close it was ridiculous. she did find out, but not through me, probably through a friend on social media.
Don’t bother!!!!
No. When my dog passed while i was going through divorce (she was mine but my ex had been around most of her life), i told him just out of courtesy as he spent 9 years with her and he completely flipped out on me, saying he was gonna come visit her and why didn't i tell him she was sick blah blah... meanwhile he hadn't asked about her once after he moved out. He blew up my phone and just went mental. I eventually just blocked him and couldn't wait to finalize the divorce. Not worth it.
Tell him.
If you are using attorneys, if you feel the need to tell him, have your attorney tell his attorney since you both are no contact. If you don't have attorneys I wouldn't say anything because, sometimes, even going thru a friend or family member can be a violation of the no contact order. You need to protect yourself first, though I understand wanting to let him know. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Don't let him know. He may OD. If he asks about his cat, then tell him. If he gets mad, tell him his addictions are a problem and you didn't want to put him through more mental distress.
Be silent
I would respect his family's wishes, to be honest. They would be the ones that had to deal with him at first. And he could use this as an excuse to break the no- contact order. I'm sorry for your senior's loss, and I'm wishing all the best for you!
I got rid of my ex’s cats. I didn’t tell him where or when
Opioid disorder? You mean he shoots up?🤔Just curious