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That would be the logical thing to do, but they're not logical. They want to keep their partner whilst acting like they're single at the same time. They cheat becsuse they're selfish.
And/or insecure. Insecurities (IMO) drive people to do that even when they actually have a loving relationship with their partner. Yes it's selfish, but the underlying problem is their insecurities.
I feel bad for him. I have been fucked over by a few partners.
Growing up I was betrayed by several crushes and even close friends. From stealing to lying to all sorts of shit.
I truly don't trust anyone fully and I feel like it robs me of something. Some sense of security I'm supposed to have is forever gone. If I trust nobody and expect everyone to hurt me then if it happens it's not as bad.
Kinda like the quote "he who makes a beast of himself, rids himself of the pain of being man"
In the end I'm only hurting myself and no amount of self growth seems to shake it. It's shitty but idk what to do
You gotta take the leap and trust yourself to be fine, regardless of what the other person does. Lies are just wrappers around the truth. Seek the truth.
Think of it as dodging a bullet, like, "Good thing he stole 5$ from me before I let him in my house" or "It sucks she cheated on me, but that's better than marrying her, getting cheated on, filing divorce, and lose custody of the kids, losing half my assets
..."
Oddellastorm, Unless you got confused and thought this page was where you should apply for Writer of the Year exams ignore these bitchy comments.
I'm sorry that your boyfriend has to carry that baggage.
I hate it when people refer to 'cheaters' in this context, they should be called what they are - liars. They just do so much damage and don't seem to give a damn.
I hope you manage to help him get over such a horrible experience and that you both have a great relationship xxx
I think you're giving her a little too much power over you right now. Shit happens, but she can't keep you from getting over it, only you can. Don't paint yourself as a victim, realize that she is the aberration and most people are not cheaters. You decide if you will trust people again.
yes but most of the time they just want hookups, not new boyfriends/girlfriends. so if they want something like that then they should look for open-relationships where both sides are okay with having sex with other people as long as its mainly just for the sex, not the person.
“Most of the time they just want hookups..”. Are you sure about that? I think there are more repeats than one and done. Long term affairs, side pieces, serial cheaters…
Was involved with a dude for months who lied to me about breaking up with his girlfriend. Like dude why? He barely spent any time with her and was always with me. I'll never understand it for as long as I live. They're still together too.
Breaking up with someone to go with someone else, I have no issues with. Part of the game.
No need for cheating though. Can all be done in a respectful manner.
The sad truth is if they’re willing to cheat, which is a massive breach of trust and lack of respect, they probably don’t give two shits about giving someone trust issues.
Maybe that's the whole reason ain't it? Maybe most cheat because they like the thrill of secrecy, fucking others up behind their back. What they forget is that if their partner doesn't spend half their life looking at a phone and instead at their eyes, they can't hide shit for long.
I only had one relationship, but it lasted \~4y and it wasn't a bad experience for me. I can't explain it, maybe that's what love is, but I felt connected to her in a way that isn't perceived or explainable, I never asked anyone that, but is probably true for most who really like their partner - even if they don't tell you shit, you know what's up because you spent time getting to know the person instead of looking at a screen. It doesn't need to be said, it's felt. Imo that also applies to cheating. The same way you feel like your partner's sad when they say / act otherwise, you feel the same with hiding.
Trying to have an open and honest conversation about things only for them to immediately start gaslighting you... That right there is a telltale sign on its own.
Yup. It doesn't have to be anything overt or obvious either. They can meticulously cover their tracks and be the most cunning and believable liars but if you've made that kind of connection with them you will know regardless. It's an unexplainable feeling. Their whole aura is skewed and you can almost literally feel the vibes shift.
In my last serious relationship I had zero reason to suspect her of cheating but I still have a vivid memory of the sensation and feeling that came over me. We both were at work on opposite sides of town but I had this intense feeling of dread and disgust. I knew that *something* was very wrong but I didn't know who or what the feeling pertained to.
I later found out that I legitimately experienced that horrible vibe at the very moment she crossed the line and made her decision despite there being no indication that could have even subconsciously caused me to think that. Once I picked her up from "work" and returned home, though... Everything about her was off. Nothing tangible. Nothing physical. Just the deepest gut feeling of complete certainty.
And it's not like you can just start making accusations based on some mysterious feeling. Then you're just an overbearing, paranoid, and insecure asshole. So you sit with this feeling deep down and silently observe. Once you're paying attention it doesn't take long to spot all the details.
During the day before my wife cheated I watched her texting. A strange sensation ran over my body and I thought 'imagine she's texting another guy'. It was the fucking weirdest thing ever and I never had any reason before to mistrust her.
Same evening she said she was going to meet a friend. That's the night she cheated on me.
Cheating is a source of external validation, some people constantly need to feel validated. A hit of dopamine. Often it’s a character flaw. For some, it takes a lot of effort to overcome it.
I know someone whose partner cheated on her and she’s been completely crushed by it. She may never be the same again. I don’t think you can justify potentially destroying someone’s life just to feel validated. That’s an appalling attitude to adopt. And anyone who lets themselves off the hook via that reasoning should be ashamed of themselves.
Exactly this. People who use the excuse of either biology or a lack of love in the bedroom or themselves giving into selfishness. It's extremely self-centered. Sure it doesn't help if your desires are not being satisfied, but love and desire are two different things. The fact that we use the same same word for infatuation, love and unrequited, love and familial, love and friendship love is an unfortunate aspect of the English language.
In short, even in a marriage with less romance, you can still form a permanent bond
And if there is some aspect which isn’t going well then you can talk to each other about it. If your partner still isn’t enough for you, have the decency to break up with them respectfully rather than cheating on them. It’s not like I can’t forgive people for doing it, maybe sometimes you can, but cheating can haunt people for ever, never thinking they’re good enough, ending up with trust issues - I’ve seen it happen among family and friends. How can you risk doing that to someone you care about?
I agree about the need for more varying terms for love.
I used to abhor 'cheaters' before I understood the mechanism. Wouldn't even hear them out.
I was known for my integrity.
Until I cheated.
Now, what comes not is not an excuse. I **promise you** (though what are the words of someone who cheated good for, right? Understandable) but a cautionary tale.
I now know what we find difficult to admit: It's awful, fucking awful, but another human risk - and I cannot stress enough how important it is to not ever fucking *be in the circumstances which may lead to* cheating.
I spent a couple of years beating myself up about it and going through counselling, but ultimately it is for reasons you explained as to why in the midst of a mental breakdown how I can to be in that position.
All within a couple of months period: child custody with an ex quite difficult (long story, take my word for it), a close mate committed suicide, I was drinking heavily and often with my neoghbour, I found out my house mate (at the time) was a convicted peadophile and exploiting my altruism living at my address whilst I was trying to get custody and I bashed the fuck out of him - was going to bury him, initially - which created it's own concerns, I was on the verge of losing my job and incredibly stressed, and the girl next door who I was drinking and smoking with (and formerly just neighbourly friends) provided comfort and validation at my weakest mental point.
And the destruction that it did was just..
..awful. fucking awful. It ruined the relationship between my legit perfect girlfriend and I, obviously, but what's more it ruined *her* and subsequently it ruined her *life* (it really did). A woman who did nothing but show me infinite love and kindness, something which I hadn't had in my life until I met her. And for that she got me, a fucked up trainwreck at the time (who hurt her heart and her stain-free soul, by betraying her in the heaviest way possible). She's still an amazing woman in every way, and has achieved more than many other humans could, but the damage caused by my cheating robbed her of some opportunities that she had dearly wanted for a long time.
That can never be replaced.
I am incredibly glad that she's been able to at the very least move on, even though as the dust has cleared I realise that I still love her - to the point where I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone else, and to be frank I will regret it every day until the day I die.
Cheating is fucked. Do everything you can to avoid the situations leading up to it, because willpower and what you want, is sometimes not enough.
I appreciate your story and honesty. Tbh, I don’t like the huge crusade people have against cheaters, as if it was the same situation for everyone. Refusing to accept nuance is often for naive people who just want to do some virtue signaling. I never cheated, but I would listen to a cheater and their story.
I think circumstantial cheating isn't as common as people think. I think a common cheater is one who finds themselves bored but is unscrupulous, as in, thinks about the external things they will lose rather than the person they could hurt.
In this guys situation, i can only hear him for the lesson he learnt over time. But in most situations, why is communicating the last option? I get that we are complicated, emotional creatures, but my guy would have to be an abusive wanker to even consider the possibility. (Abusive ppl are complicated as in, leaving as an option seems more impossible than finding comfort in another.) Even then my loyalty is strong, maybe that's during more uncertain times idk.
Ive been lonely as a single person. Thought about sleeping with another women's partner. But it's only bc we could never be truly connected.. Get the experience without worrying kinda concept. Then to think about how hurt she might be, kicks me out of entertaining that "what if."
I just dont know how you can take someone back after that, no matter the circumstances. They'd need time by themselves coz staying together just let's all the complicated feelings go dormant rather than clear for a fresh start imo.
Or is it? You are right on the validation thing as well as the dopamine. But there is more to it. If statistics are correct in 25 to 33 % of all relationships infidelity happens. Maybe, just maybe, there is a reason for that other than just selfish wants for fun. I will get DVed for that, I know. But honestly, I don't care too much. From what I have learned in my surroundings cheating is even more prevalent than the 33%. I just recently read somewhere that in other studies the numbers go up to 50% for women while men are sitting at 48%. But that includes emotional infidelity, which is much more ambiguous.
For me it's pretty straightforward. I support my family and care for my children's well being. And because I don't receive any affection from my wife in return and haven't for a long time, I gave up on trying if someone close to me fullfills that desire and need just because I can give her the same in return.
And now, let the downvotes come.
Validation comes in different forms. For some, it’s a way to experience a feeling of being desired- to be the chosen one. Neglect and dead bedrooms fuel this yearning. For others, such external validation through cheating is sought after to mask deep seated insecurities and internalized inadequacies. Emotional cheating is fueled by a desire to feel connected, seen, and heard. Unfortunately, people often forget that in monogamous relationships, your partner is your main source of validation and vice versa…
Not going to downvote for honesty. My husband stuck by me for 3 years without any physical affection because I was in chronic debilitating pain after a couple of brutal surgeries. I've come through that now but if I were to find out he had those physical needs met by someone else during that time I actually wouldn't care. He never did though but I wouldn't be angry. Maybe you just need to spark things up again. Marriage is hard work. Harder when you have children too. Especially if they're younger. You sound like a good guy maybe just try communicating with your wife and complimenting her, let her know she is valued and appreciated.
I hear ya, but cheating is not a definitive solution to dead bedrooms, it’s nowhere on the long list of wholesome problem resolution modalities with divorce being the final solution.
I know, easier said than done, but it’s the right answer. Doing the right thing is seldom easy. Divorce is not easy, but it’s definitively better for you and the kids who deserve and require that they grow up and evolve with two genuinely happy parents, even if they are divorced happy parents. Kids can see right through a bullshit zombie marriage and it eventually affects attachment styles, problem resolution styles, and feelings of security.
Still shitty as hell to cheat even in a loveless, thankless, neglectful marriage. Talking rarely works by this point and marriage counseling never does. The high road would be to divorce. But that’s so much easier said than done and we all know how divorces usually go for men. You’re doing (or should be) everything you can, everything right, but still getting nothing in return, and are expected to be grateful for it. Living in near hell, a divorce would only be further punishment. Women naturally get the kids, you have to fight for custody, you usually have to fight for visitation (you’re granted fair visitation, by she never honors it the first few trips to court) you lose at least half of everything you have or everything you built. You have to pay more child support than you can afford, which wouldn’t be so bad if it actually went to the kids, 90% goes to the mom, or mom’s new boyfriend. The only time the ex lets you know what’s going on with your kids is when she needs to get deeper in your pockets for shit child support should cover. You get no say in their lives anymore. Your kids your friends, large portions of your family take her side. One could try to suggest an open marriage, but that never works either, she’ll get so offended that the nothing but nagging and contempt she gives you isn’t enough, she’ll go from passively making your life hell to actively. She’ll sleep around a lot, even though she didn’t agree to the open marriage and sabotage any attempts for you to. Then it’ll end up in divorce anyway.
So while I don’t condone it, I get it.
Cheating is wrong for sure but on Reddit, it's treated on the same level as domestic abuse and sexual assault. Even the person you are responding to feels so dramatic. I'd be devasted if I were cheated on however, it would be the easiest decision ever to end the relationship right there. The problems with the relationship don't start with cheating, it's usually a symptom of a larger problem with the relationship which needs to be addressed before it gets to that point.
I think the American Reddit space in particular is inhabited by astoundingly puritanical voices! A kind of Puritanism that has only grown more self-righteous in recent years with everything else that has happened, primarily the impulse to feel victimized
Ppl just don't get how weird it is going through your every day life for weeks/months/ years without any signs of affection/attraction/attention makes you feel. When just a hug would be nice now and then is not met, you kind of have to choose another path.
So disregard the downwotes, some people are way too busy pointing fingers from their own high horses, to be able to recognize others walking through an emotional desert every single day.
Best of luck man 😀
>Ppl just don't get how weird it is going through your every day life for weeks/months/ years without any signs of affection/attraction/attention makes you feel.
Uh, yeah we do.. It's called being single.
No, it's not. Because being single is not akin to being constantly dismissed by the one person you love.
I am literally friendzoned in my own marriage without even getting the friend part covered. That is what I talk about.
I don't cheat. I never would, but I often avoid this subject because I know my viewpoint is not popular.
I think along with validation there's also just a novelty some humans search out by default. Some people are just going to cheat no matter how good the relationship while others just don't have that trait.
Once I've decided on a person I'm only committed to that person till we agree to end things, but from life experience and meeting a variety of people. I just think there are some people that will never just be satisfied with being with only one person their entire life.
Cheating is shitty and breaking that trust is a major issue. But, I think people who will never be satisfied with one partner just go through life trying to force themselves to be something that they're not. Which leads to them lying or not being up front to people who are more naturally monogamous about who they are and what they want.
I hold this viewpoint. Because cheating is just way too commonplace for it to just be a character flaw of every person who does it. Going through colonial Mexican catholic church confession archives and just history in general. No matter what rules, commitments, or constructs are in place humans broadly will find a way to fuck each other or anything novel.
people also simply enjoy fucking other people and find it exiting/thrilling to cheat.
Regardless, they could stop being a trash human being and simply find somebody who is open to non monogamy.
Saying cheating when you have agreed not to is fine because that's the way a person is... is basically saying o well I hit my wife but I'm prone to do so as a person so it's fine, in other words it's a stupid argument.
dont forget that we're the end point of a multibillion year old biological process the only point of which is reproduction and all notions of law and morality are invented. dont overestimate people especially men (man here)
Cheating is vastly under-reported. In my slutty days I slept with countless non-single women and those were only the ones that told me during/after sex. The actual number of women who cheated with me is likely incredibly high.
I mean, you’re self admittedly in a loveless failed marriage. You’re not exactly someone people should be listening to when it comes to cheating, especially if you’re trying to defend it with your “reasons”.
It's not that someone should listen. It's the simple fact that the whole cheaters are evil isn't that straightforward. Ignoring the fact that in most cases there is a backstory to this is generally dismissed and forgotten. Years of neglect from someone you love hurts. A lot. I still love my wife, that is why I still hope and stay. Plus the fact that the financial devastation would be enormous for us. But after over 20 years of marriage and over 10 years of neglect I have reached a breaking point. And simply my AP gives me a pause in that. Acknowledgement and the feeling of being enough for being myself and not for what I can provide.
What do you think would happen if your wife found out about your affair? Would she be hurt? It’s been years of you begging for change and she still neglects you could you just ask for an open relationship? That way you can stay together but you wouldn’t be lying or hiding.
I have no clue what her reaction would look like. I have a pretty good idea, though. And dismissing someone for years isn't boding well on that front.
Yes, I think she would be hurt. Most likely not the affair itself but the person I have the affair with.
And to be honest, an Open relationship was an idea I wanted to address several times. But again, my AP would not be "available" so to say. And I don't want random women. I can get that without hassle for 75 bucks an hour at any street corner in the red light district, as prostitution is legal here.
The point is, and that is one the reasons for this account, I feel like I am developing feelings towards my AP far beyond a FwB or even secret lovers.
If you've reached the breaking point then break up.
You can take the high road or the low road.
Cheating is going to result in the same thing, it will just be a lot worse.
So true. Sometimes it's "just" sex and not some deep mental flaw. And for those in sexless marriages it is the only way to have contact with another human.
My ex cheated, so I had a long time to break things down. Keep in mind I am not condoning anything, just trying to understand it.
In a relationship, you have a bucket of needs. Security, safety, someone to hold you when things are hard, to be your friend. Someone to be secure with you - and someone to make your life exciting and novel.
I was fulfilling all those things, except the very last one - I was not providing excitement and novelty. The guys she would cheat on me with were all losers - unable to support her, lacking the mental capacity to emotionally connect, and overall immature. I was always totally secure. "That guy is a loser, no way would she downgrade herself for this person..." just kidding, she did. Lastly - my metric of judgment is definitely different than her metric of judgment, and a loser in my eyes is just a diamond in the rough in hers.
I do not blame myself for her cheating, and think it was quite despicable. But, I can also see the reasoning behind it. But - she's gone now, and has been for some years. Life is good.
I upvoted you. Novelty brings dopamine spikes. The brain rewards risky behavior. It’s why people get addicted to very stupid activities.
No long term partner can provide constant novelty. It’s a contradiction in terms. Mature people understand this. They can seek out novelty in healthier ways that doesn’t involve blowing up their own (and others) lives.
Long term partners can provide constant novelty. The problem is that in our society, long term partnerships are built for the purpose of raising a nuclear family, meaning they’re saddled with responsibilities and routines that make people into boring, stressed adults. A new partner provides a fantasy-type escape from that.
I couldn’t disagree more. To expect constant novelty from a *longterm partner* (multiple years / decades) is highly unrealistic. Why would you even demand / expect that from them? Relax.
Further, the healthy raising of children is underpinned by loving, stable parental relationships. This isn’t some outlier phenomena, nor must it be (as you allude to) a miserable experience. I’ve raised 3 children. It’s by far the most enriching experience of my life. To assume being a parent is “boring” is highly unimaginative and rather narrow minded.
To be honest I've always avoided the idea of raising kids because I love personal growth and learning new things, and I feel like when raising kids all of that takes a back sear while you teach someone else how to be a person. Is this accurate, or do you think there is still room for you to become a more realized version of yourself while being a parent?
In my own experience, every stage of bringing up a child had its own rewards and novelty. The first years are obviously the most intense. If someone was heavily into a hobby - doing it 6+ hours a day, that kind of thing - then those first 5 years or so of bringing up a child is going to give you the problem you described. Your child in those earlier years demands quite a bit of your time. But by the time they’re in school (5+ years old), it’s way less demanding, especially if you have a good setup with your partner. Being a parent has given me way more than it has taken from me…it’s not even close. Now my kids are teens I feel even a bit at a loss because they do so much by themselves now.
Interesting, this is very nice to hear. Thank you. Also hopefully the stage of them being teens brings something else great to the table that you didn't anticipate!
I think there are some real insecurity issues amongst cheaters, which is why the novelty is needed. Many need the validation from the attention they get from others, and it truly has nothing to do with anything the person being cheated on has or hasn't done. People with a stable sense of self do not need this kind of validation and are less likely to cheat (if they also have empathy and respect for their partner)
I think about it like this: Our body REALLY wants us to procreate, while our mind developed in such a way that it likes to emotionally bond with people. Cheaters want sex with different people (which comes with validation and excitement) but they also want support and security.
It's what most people want I guess, so, while I also despise the dishonesty, I understand why it is so common.
I even believe they can still love their partner despite cheating, because for some people love and sex is not necessarily connected.
I used to think like op, but over time that changed. I have not cheated or been cheated on tho, so it is an outsider's perspective.
Cheating in every aspect of life is overrated except school with things you don’t really need.
I didn’t cheat on maths, but who tf cares about chemistry? All I need to know about chemistry for work and everyday life I learned from other sources than chemistry class.
I hate that too! Not much of a gamer but I've gotten wiped out in a few mobile phone games by cheaters and those "pay to win" guys that take it way too seriously...
I recently made up my mind that a lot of adults are only adults for things that make them look like adults: sex, doing chores, paying taxes. But when it comes to being actually mature like being honest, having good intents, keeping your calm etc holy fuck there is a shit ton of chidren. They focus on love sex and work but paused working on themselves.
I might not have said it the best way but I think you get the idea
YES. I've said the same thing before. A lot of folks "dress up" like adults but mentally and emotionally they still act like children - lack of coping skills, inability to accept responsibility, etc.
Also bullying. Often bullying is seen as something kids do. Like, what sane adult kind person would treat another in a way that they wouldn't like to be treated themselves? Sadly there are many, but I guess that just means they're either not sane, not kind or not adult.
I think people do it for 1 of 2 reasons.
1. Either they are unhappy in their relationship but unable to deal with it in a healthy manor due to poor communication so they cheat instead to feel something positive.
2. Or they are heavily impulsive and addictive with sex and can’t help themself. These are the people who’d *get too drunk and lose control* as an excuse.
People in column 1 may never cheat again in a new relationship, people in column 2 will do it whenever they get the chance, even if they still love their spouse.
3. People who are absolutely happy in their relationships, but miss excitement and novelty. They want the high of the new fuck and the new version of themselves they get to experience when with someone new and have no intention of breaking up their happy home just to get it.
4. People who are not very happy, but choose to stay for various reasons - children, economics, community pressure or position, etc. and don't feel any obligation to stay faithful
5. People who crave external validation and never learned how to relate to this need in a positive way
To be honest: I came in 2-3 dangerous situations with different people while in my relationship.
I always told my man and he was friendly enough to forgive me and I also had to listen to what it did with him emotionally. Over the years I have learned to avoid such situations, also has something to do with the ability so say no and maybe attachmentstyle which I changed.
Now we are still happily together and I am very grateful that he gave me the time to learn that.
I never really cheated on him and tried to be honest with him, meaning to tell everything.
Everything you said about part 2 is fully relatable.
I was introduced to sex through a coercive, intense, and entirely inappropriate sexual relationship at a very young age. After that ended I just sort of repressed it and thought I'd forgotten about it but realised in my late 20's that it was just manifesting as destructive behaviour - namely impulsive sex with a lot of escorts / prostitutes. Drink or drugs never came into it, and I don't know exactly how to describe it but it's like something would suddenly just switch in my head and I'd just run on autopilot...
I'm sure the early sexual relationship is the root cause not only if the sexual addiction, if that's what it is, but also just stripped any association of sex with love and intimacy, and the way that I had to cover up / forget / lie about that relationship had also carried over into adulthood.
Some of them do it because they like attention. Some like the thrill it gives them to sneak around. They never consider the pain they will cause. It’s a totally selfish and egocentric thing to do but there are many reasons why
caught my gf cheating a 2nd time this last Christmas Eve. I told her to gtfo of my house and she yelled at me for 2 hrs about how I made her do it because of 100 random petty things she decided were character flaws. I have to imagine she was trying just as hard to convince herself it was my fault as gaslighting me into thinking it was my fault she tripped and fell on to her coworkers dick after I already caught her cheating before.
I hope I never have the displeasure of seeing her again.
Yo thats too bad, how can you tolerate she cheating at the first time? What make u give her 2nd chance. Anyways im sad for you, hope you found someone better that deserve you mate
Selfish, narcissistic and greedy
It makes my skin crawl
Just end it with the other person and then go act like you're single if you want to go off flirting and sleeping with other people
It's the thrill of doing something bad, mixed with selfishness and entitlement. People who cheat don't want their partner to go with other people, they want the freedom to sleep around, then go home to their loyal partner. Disgusting.
After certain age, you start to feel pressure from society to get in a monogamous relationship.
You start to experience actual consequences when you meet new people and tell them you're not in a serious relationship.
It can affect your personal relationships and the ones at work.
Not toention the financial factor and more.
All this pressure makes people get in relationship with people they might not be so attracted to/inlove with.
But it is true. Granted, I'm still in school and have never had a real full-time job, but women are generally much more trusting of taken men.
And just look at the media. 90% of relationships shown in media are monogamous. The vast majority of protagonists(especially in mainstream media) end up in monogamous relationships.
\>This just seems like a way to say "its not my fault that I cheat, its everyone else's fault" lol. I still dont understand it.
There's a huge difference between understanding someone's actions and excusing them. OP never said that it was right for them to cheat, just that there's a huge amount of pressure to be in a monogamous relationship.
The solution is to care less about what other people think of you.
Why would you hurt someone's heart just because you care what other people think of you?
Not being honest just hurts more people in the long term.
I hear you. My friend told me about cheating on her bf with multiple people and thought it was funny. I cut ties with her.
The bf supported her financially and everything too. Her behaviour and attitude about it disgusted me.
I mean, it really depend on the agreements, I find that cheating usually still exists in open relationships, it just becomes way more personalized.
Like, sure, sex stuff is not cheating, but maybe you and your partner decide mountain climbing is a very special intimate thing you want to keep between yourselves and if they did it with someone else it would hurt just as bad. And then people outside the relationship look at you like you're crazy for being so hurt because the very sacred special promise your partner broke isn't the same very sacred promise they have with theirs, cause they don't get that cheating is all about breaking an agreement and nothing about just sleeping with someone else.
Even the sex stuff can be cheating in open relationships. One of my exes said she wasn't sleeping with anyone else, but she was. That's cheating in my book. In fact, it's the textbook definition of cheating so it's cheating in *the* book.
I gave my ex permission to hook up if he wanted he just had to tell me, to which he agreed, and he still cheated on me with the most absurd number of people. Course he also physically and mentally abused me so respecting agreed upon relationship guidelines wasn’t really his thing.
It can be hella lazy. But what is worse, is that there are some people, that I guess have super low self esteem. That still stay with the cheater, while they are still cheating on them. That is what blows me away. Like, there have been some very obvious signs, something is going on or is off, but you don't care as long as you still have a man or woman. Like how does that work?!
This is crazy to me too! I saw a post about a girl staying with her bf after he cheated and I was shocked by how many people saying they also stayed with their partner!! I don’t understand that at all. I don’t have great self esteem but finding out someone cheated on me changes how I see them. I wouldn’t even want them to touch me.
This was a rule I made for myself before I was ever in a relationship, it eventually happened to me and it was kind of cool because I had already gone through it in my head so I didn’t feel too upset, just cut all ties instantly.
Insecurities, doubts, the thrill and whatever else. I'm not sure. I've been married for a good couple years now and the longer I am the more this situation boggles my mind. I know not everyone is the same but, I actually enjoy coming home to my wife and kid. I don't go to the bar or really hang out a lot. I go to work, come home and spend time with them. Lol, dispensary trips too. 🤣🤣🤣
I agree, it is childish and disgusting and I know how it feels because it happened to me years ago, I wouldn't want to do that to someone. Life is to short to spread yourself that thin. Lol
I can only imagine it coming down to a power thing. Knowing someone else finds you attractive enough to sleep with you. I personally couldn’t deal with the stress, the headaches, the worry of “what if they phone or ring me when I’m with my girlfriend” and always having to lie. Sounds exhausting!
This, absolutely this.
The first barrier against cheating is obviously the moral one.
But the stress of covering things up and stressing about whether it'll backfire. Gosh, totally not worth of one evening of humping.
Plus the effort to even get there. It's much more rewarding putting that effort to the current relationship.
That was probably a favorite with my ex wife. She got messaged by a high school crush of hers on facebook.and that's how the whole thing started. I'd have to imagine there is quite a rush in the unobtainable guy you fantasized about rheough high school approaching you out of nowhere
If you are so horny, I don’t understand why you just masturbate? If you are sexually unfulfilled in your relationship, either leave them, or masturbate. I seriously do not understand how anyone can cheat. It leaves such a deep scar on their partner
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The concept is beyond me i have to admit, even if i didnt have a problem with the ethical side id be more reluctant to risk a massive confrontation rather than the relatively much smaller confrontation via breaking up.
its because of general weakness/lack of moral fortitude, and horniness combined. im sure some low self-esteem and biology is mixed in but from experience thats what I think
In my experience people who cheat are ether completely immature emotionally or pathological narcissists. You typically don’t get a lot of good well round people cheating.
This could be because of impulsiveness, giving in to some lustful desires justified with "its just in the moment", "being high", "too emotional", "partner is not fulfilling", etc all excuses.
Bascially its selfishness, they forgot they are accountable to their partners, and only want to act in the moment... They know its wrong, yet they will justify cheating...
Relationship is never easy as it requires commitment, where two humans sacrifice for each other and in return live for each other. But this only works when both are trying to each other.
When it comes to cheating, one stops trying, its the easy way out when you dont have to sacrifice your time, effort, mental and emotional capacity. Instead, they get the same andrenaline without commitment.
There is a saying once a cheater always a cheater! It is just their pov on relationships, unless something struck them hard and they changed 360, they probably will remain a cheater mindset (all about getting that "in love" feeling until it dies out and then move on neglecting his/her responsiblities and how the partner feels).
lol, some cheat because it is a high to them. My ex cheated, I am very grateful now that she did. I dodged a bullet. I like cheaters they show their true colors. Cheaters can't be trusted. However they won't put a knife in your back, like other people will
cheating is so silly when there's plenty of alternatives where both partners are on board with not being exclusive and discuss the details of what that means openly and directly
It takes a certain persona to cheat. That person has to be okay with lying, covering his/her own tracks, and coming “home” to pretend that s/he didn’t just sleep with someone else to make himself feel a little bit bigger and a little bit better **at the expense of others.**
Somewhere along the way you (the cheater) decided that you’d have and eat your cake too, and would live by lying, maybe even get some little enjoyment out of it because you are deceiving someone else so perfectly … thinking it’s because you are smarter than your partner, and believing this gives you some control or power.
“Oooh, I changed the name of my AP to ‘Joe’ and now my partner will never know.”
**It’s a lack of character, plain and simple.**
Show me a cheater and I’ll show you someone who makes excuses for why ALL DAY LONG, saying whatever they need to in order to justify why they cheat. It’s always someone else’s fault — she wasn’t sexy enough, she didn’t make me feel ___, he doesn’t pay attention to me, or he made me feel ___ . Boo-f*cking-hoo.
Cheating is always an option for most people. Some of us just have a stronger moral compass and being too cowardly to get out of the current relationship doesn’t justify cheating.
Because situations aren't always black and white and it's important not to judge people when every person's circumstance is different.
And, ultimately, if it doesn't effect you and your partner, then why does it matter what someone else chooses to do?
if you would backstab someone you supposedly love and care for dearly what stops you from doing the same thing to me if it would benefit you in anyway.
I mean if you're unhappy in a relationship, have tried to make it work etc wouldn't it be better to end the relationship and not resort to cheating? Giving each other the freedom to do what they want to do without feeling guilty?
I really don't understand why those who have seemingly happy relationships would still go out and cheat.
I get the whole validation thing but surely that isn't an excuse to cheat just because you're not getting enough validation from your relationship. It's a really weak and pathetic excuse in my opinion.
Being faithful is so easy. Stay at home, watch a movie. Boom! You're faithful. Yet people go through so much trouble and expenditure just to cheat. Nobody's more stupid then cheaters.
I always judged ppl who cheat till I did I tried it to see how it feels like and to tell u I felt nothing at all would be an understatement, like literally no remorse, no guilty just a nut wasted out me, they usually say that u can even get attached but trust me most of us won't .
Then I went and broke up with my girl cause it was heading their anyway, I learnt one thing from that experience.
Anyone who cheats on you doesn't love you simple as it can get.
If u love ur partner, u will be patient and eager to make it work no matter what and if It doesn't well break it off and if it does enjoy.
For such is life.
If you look throughout the animal world, there are species that evolved to be in monogamous relationships, and those that didn’t. Given the evidence, my sense is that humans did not evolve to be monogamous, but that societies imposed monogamy on them. Assuming that’s accurate, it wouldn’t be surprising for there to be cheating.
I dnt understand why cheating even exist if you want to move like your single BE SINGLE ! If you want to date multiple women/men date mutiple single women/men theirs tons out here its so nasty to want to share someone in a relationship & ppl in a relationship need to get their priorities right as well ! Its just fucked up out here fr
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Yeah those people are awful. Especially considering they could just break up with their partner instead of giving them irreversible trust issues.
That would be the logical thing to do, but they're not logical. They want to keep their partner whilst acting like they're single at the same time. They cheat becsuse they're selfish.
This is absolutely the case.
And/or insecure. Insecurities (IMO) drive people to do that even when they actually have a loving relationship with their partner. Yes it's selfish, but the underlying problem is their insecurities.
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Is there such a thing as nonliteral trust issues?
Figurative trust issues would be the answer.
That's very abstract. :)
Like, LITERALLY trust issues.
I feel bad for him. I have been fucked over by a few partners. Growing up I was betrayed by several crushes and even close friends. From stealing to lying to all sorts of shit. I truly don't trust anyone fully and I feel like it robs me of something. Some sense of security I'm supposed to have is forever gone. If I trust nobody and expect everyone to hurt me then if it happens it's not as bad. Kinda like the quote "he who makes a beast of himself, rids himself of the pain of being man" In the end I'm only hurting myself and no amount of self growth seems to shake it. It's shitty but idk what to do
You gotta take the leap and trust yourself to be fine, regardless of what the other person does. Lies are just wrappers around the truth. Seek the truth. Think of it as dodging a bullet, like, "Good thing he stole 5$ from me before I let him in my house" or "It sucks she cheated on me, but that's better than marrying her, getting cheated on, filing divorce, and lose custody of the kids, losing half my assets ..."
Oddellastorm, Unless you got confused and thought this page was where you should apply for Writer of the Year exams ignore these bitchy comments. I'm sorry that your boyfriend has to carry that baggage. I hate it when people refer to 'cheaters' in this context, they should be called what they are - liars. They just do so much damage and don't seem to give a damn. I hope you manage to help him get over such a horrible experience and that you both have a great relationship xxx
Thank you.
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I think you're giving her a little too much power over you right now. Shit happens, but she can't keep you from getting over it, only you can. Don't paint yourself as a victim, realize that she is the aberration and most people are not cheaters. You decide if you will trust people again.
They don’t want to replace their partner, they want another partner.
Ye ole double dip
Ahh, but cheating in itself is a selfish act. If they cared about their partner, they wouldn't betray them.
yes but most of the time they just want hookups, not new boyfriends/girlfriends. so if they want something like that then they should look for open-relationships where both sides are okay with having sex with other people as long as its mainly just for the sex, not the person.
“Most of the time they just want hookups..”. Are you sure about that? I think there are more repeats than one and done. Long term affairs, side pieces, serial cheaters…
Some people are like monkeys, they like to have the hand on the next handhold before letting go of the previous one
Was involved with a dude for months who lied to me about breaking up with his girlfriend. Like dude why? He barely spent any time with her and was always with me. I'll never understand it for as long as I live. They're still together too.
🙋🏻♂️ the disgust I felt... I can't.. F them
Breaking up with someone to go with someone else, I have no issues with. Part of the game. No need for cheating though. Can all be done in a respectful manner.
I hate that shit, no, it's not part of the game, it's nearly as bad.
The sad truth is if they’re willing to cheat, which is a massive breach of trust and lack of respect, they probably don’t give two shits about giving someone trust issues.
Aye - it took me 5 years, & a very understanding partner, to break down the walls of mistrust in order to have a meaningful relationship again.
Yeah this I’ll never understand.
Maybe that's the whole reason ain't it? Maybe most cheat because they like the thrill of secrecy, fucking others up behind their back. What they forget is that if their partner doesn't spend half their life looking at a phone and instead at their eyes, they can't hide shit for long. I only had one relationship, but it lasted \~4y and it wasn't a bad experience for me. I can't explain it, maybe that's what love is, but I felt connected to her in a way that isn't perceived or explainable, I never asked anyone that, but is probably true for most who really like their partner - even if they don't tell you shit, you know what's up because you spent time getting to know the person instead of looking at a screen. It doesn't need to be said, it's felt. Imo that also applies to cheating. The same way you feel like your partner's sad when they say / act otherwise, you feel the same with hiding.
The problem is that a lot of em just deny. You end up feeling insecure and weird like you're just causing problems.
Trying to have an open and honest conversation about things only for them to immediately start gaslighting you... That right there is a telltale sign on its own.
Yup. It doesn't have to be anything overt or obvious either. They can meticulously cover their tracks and be the most cunning and believable liars but if you've made that kind of connection with them you will know regardless. It's an unexplainable feeling. Their whole aura is skewed and you can almost literally feel the vibes shift. In my last serious relationship I had zero reason to suspect her of cheating but I still have a vivid memory of the sensation and feeling that came over me. We both were at work on opposite sides of town but I had this intense feeling of dread and disgust. I knew that *something* was very wrong but I didn't know who or what the feeling pertained to. I later found out that I legitimately experienced that horrible vibe at the very moment she crossed the line and made her decision despite there being no indication that could have even subconsciously caused me to think that. Once I picked her up from "work" and returned home, though... Everything about her was off. Nothing tangible. Nothing physical. Just the deepest gut feeling of complete certainty. And it's not like you can just start making accusations based on some mysterious feeling. Then you're just an overbearing, paranoid, and insecure asshole. So you sit with this feeling deep down and silently observe. Once you're paying attention it doesn't take long to spot all the details.
During the day before my wife cheated I watched her texting. A strange sensation ran over my body and I thought 'imagine she's texting another guy'. It was the fucking weirdest thing ever and I never had any reason before to mistrust her. Same evening she said she was going to meet a friend. That's the night she cheated on me.
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Cheating is a source of external validation, some people constantly need to feel validated. A hit of dopamine. Often it’s a character flaw. For some, it takes a lot of effort to overcome it.
I know someone whose partner cheated on her and she’s been completely crushed by it. She may never be the same again. I don’t think you can justify potentially destroying someone’s life just to feel validated. That’s an appalling attitude to adopt. And anyone who lets themselves off the hook via that reasoning should be ashamed of themselves.
Exactly this. People who use the excuse of either biology or a lack of love in the bedroom or themselves giving into selfishness. It's extremely self-centered. Sure it doesn't help if your desires are not being satisfied, but love and desire are two different things. The fact that we use the same same word for infatuation, love and unrequited, love and familial, love and friendship love is an unfortunate aspect of the English language. In short, even in a marriage with less romance, you can still form a permanent bond
And if there is some aspect which isn’t going well then you can talk to each other about it. If your partner still isn’t enough for you, have the decency to break up with them respectfully rather than cheating on them. It’s not like I can’t forgive people for doing it, maybe sometimes you can, but cheating can haunt people for ever, never thinking they’re good enough, ending up with trust issues - I’ve seen it happen among family and friends. How can you risk doing that to someone you care about? I agree about the need for more varying terms for love.
I used to abhor 'cheaters' before I understood the mechanism. Wouldn't even hear them out. I was known for my integrity. Until I cheated. Now, what comes not is not an excuse. I **promise you** (though what are the words of someone who cheated good for, right? Understandable) but a cautionary tale. I now know what we find difficult to admit: It's awful, fucking awful, but another human risk - and I cannot stress enough how important it is to not ever fucking *be in the circumstances which may lead to* cheating. I spent a couple of years beating myself up about it and going through counselling, but ultimately it is for reasons you explained as to why in the midst of a mental breakdown how I can to be in that position. All within a couple of months period: child custody with an ex quite difficult (long story, take my word for it), a close mate committed suicide, I was drinking heavily and often with my neoghbour, I found out my house mate (at the time) was a convicted peadophile and exploiting my altruism living at my address whilst I was trying to get custody and I bashed the fuck out of him - was going to bury him, initially - which created it's own concerns, I was on the verge of losing my job and incredibly stressed, and the girl next door who I was drinking and smoking with (and formerly just neighbourly friends) provided comfort and validation at my weakest mental point. And the destruction that it did was just.. ..awful. fucking awful. It ruined the relationship between my legit perfect girlfriend and I, obviously, but what's more it ruined *her* and subsequently it ruined her *life* (it really did). A woman who did nothing but show me infinite love and kindness, something which I hadn't had in my life until I met her. And for that she got me, a fucked up trainwreck at the time (who hurt her heart and her stain-free soul, by betraying her in the heaviest way possible). She's still an amazing woman in every way, and has achieved more than many other humans could, but the damage caused by my cheating robbed her of some opportunities that she had dearly wanted for a long time. That can never be replaced. I am incredibly glad that she's been able to at the very least move on, even though as the dust has cleared I realise that I still love her - to the point where I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone else, and to be frank I will regret it every day until the day I die. Cheating is fucked. Do everything you can to avoid the situations leading up to it, because willpower and what you want, is sometimes not enough.
I appreciate your story and honesty. Tbh, I don’t like the huge crusade people have against cheaters, as if it was the same situation for everyone. Refusing to accept nuance is often for naive people who just want to do some virtue signaling. I never cheated, but I would listen to a cheater and their story.
I think circumstantial cheating isn't as common as people think. I think a common cheater is one who finds themselves bored but is unscrupulous, as in, thinks about the external things they will lose rather than the person they could hurt. In this guys situation, i can only hear him for the lesson he learnt over time. But in most situations, why is communicating the last option? I get that we are complicated, emotional creatures, but my guy would have to be an abusive wanker to even consider the possibility. (Abusive ppl are complicated as in, leaving as an option seems more impossible than finding comfort in another.) Even then my loyalty is strong, maybe that's during more uncertain times idk. Ive been lonely as a single person. Thought about sleeping with another women's partner. But it's only bc we could never be truly connected.. Get the experience without worrying kinda concept. Then to think about how hurt she might be, kicks me out of entertaining that "what if." I just dont know how you can take someone back after that, no matter the circumstances. They'd need time by themselves coz staying together just let's all the complicated feelings go dormant rather than clear for a fresh start imo.
Exactly this
Or is it? You are right on the validation thing as well as the dopamine. But there is more to it. If statistics are correct in 25 to 33 % of all relationships infidelity happens. Maybe, just maybe, there is a reason for that other than just selfish wants for fun. I will get DVed for that, I know. But honestly, I don't care too much. From what I have learned in my surroundings cheating is even more prevalent than the 33%. I just recently read somewhere that in other studies the numbers go up to 50% for women while men are sitting at 48%. But that includes emotional infidelity, which is much more ambiguous. For me it's pretty straightforward. I support my family and care for my children's well being. And because I don't receive any affection from my wife in return and haven't for a long time, I gave up on trying if someone close to me fullfills that desire and need just because I can give her the same in return. And now, let the downvotes come.
Validation comes in different forms. For some, it’s a way to experience a feeling of being desired- to be the chosen one. Neglect and dead bedrooms fuel this yearning. For others, such external validation through cheating is sought after to mask deep seated insecurities and internalized inadequacies. Emotional cheating is fueled by a desire to feel connected, seen, and heard. Unfortunately, people often forget that in monogamous relationships, your partner is your main source of validation and vice versa…
Very well observed and said
I know this but I couldn't put it into words... wow. You hit the nail on the head.
Your words are worthy of your name AQ!
Not going to downvote for honesty. My husband stuck by me for 3 years without any physical affection because I was in chronic debilitating pain after a couple of brutal surgeries. I've come through that now but if I were to find out he had those physical needs met by someone else during that time I actually wouldn't care. He never did though but I wouldn't be angry. Maybe you just need to spark things up again. Marriage is hard work. Harder when you have children too. Especially if they're younger. You sound like a good guy maybe just try communicating with your wife and complimenting her, let her know she is valued and appreciated.
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Exactly. When it happened I really didn't care that much about the physical part. But the lying and betrayal hit me so fucking hard.
I hear ya, but cheating is not a definitive solution to dead bedrooms, it’s nowhere on the long list of wholesome problem resolution modalities with divorce being the final solution. I know, easier said than done, but it’s the right answer. Doing the right thing is seldom easy. Divorce is not easy, but it’s definitively better for you and the kids who deserve and require that they grow up and evolve with two genuinely happy parents, even if they are divorced happy parents. Kids can see right through a bullshit zombie marriage and it eventually affects attachment styles, problem resolution styles, and feelings of security.
Still shitty as hell to cheat even in a loveless, thankless, neglectful marriage. Talking rarely works by this point and marriage counseling never does. The high road would be to divorce. But that’s so much easier said than done and we all know how divorces usually go for men. You’re doing (or should be) everything you can, everything right, but still getting nothing in return, and are expected to be grateful for it. Living in near hell, a divorce would only be further punishment. Women naturally get the kids, you have to fight for custody, you usually have to fight for visitation (you’re granted fair visitation, by she never honors it the first few trips to court) you lose at least half of everything you have or everything you built. You have to pay more child support than you can afford, which wouldn’t be so bad if it actually went to the kids, 90% goes to the mom, or mom’s new boyfriend. The only time the ex lets you know what’s going on with your kids is when she needs to get deeper in your pockets for shit child support should cover. You get no say in their lives anymore. Your kids your friends, large portions of your family take her side. One could try to suggest an open marriage, but that never works either, she’ll get so offended that the nothing but nagging and contempt she gives you isn’t enough, she’ll go from passively making your life hell to actively. She’ll sleep around a lot, even though she didn’t agree to the open marriage and sabotage any attempts for you to. Then it’ll end up in divorce anyway. So while I don’t condone it, I get it.
Cheating is wrong for sure but on Reddit, it's treated on the same level as domestic abuse and sexual assault. Even the person you are responding to feels so dramatic. I'd be devasted if I were cheated on however, it would be the easiest decision ever to end the relationship right there. The problems with the relationship don't start with cheating, it's usually a symptom of a larger problem with the relationship which needs to be addressed before it gets to that point.
I think the American Reddit space in particular is inhabited by astoundingly puritanical voices! A kind of Puritanism that has only grown more self-righteous in recent years with everything else that has happened, primarily the impulse to feel victimized
Ppl just don't get how weird it is going through your every day life for weeks/months/ years without any signs of affection/attraction/attention makes you feel. When just a hug would be nice now and then is not met, you kind of have to choose another path. So disregard the downwotes, some people are way too busy pointing fingers from their own high horses, to be able to recognize others walking through an emotional desert every single day. Best of luck man 😀
>Ppl just don't get how weird it is going through your every day life for weeks/months/ years without any signs of affection/attraction/attention makes you feel. Uh, yeah we do.. It's called being single.
No, it's not. Because being single is not akin to being constantly dismissed by the one person you love. I am literally friendzoned in my own marriage without even getting the friend part covered. That is what I talk about.
I don't cheat. I never would, but I often avoid this subject because I know my viewpoint is not popular. I think along with validation there's also just a novelty some humans search out by default. Some people are just going to cheat no matter how good the relationship while others just don't have that trait. Once I've decided on a person I'm only committed to that person till we agree to end things, but from life experience and meeting a variety of people. I just think there are some people that will never just be satisfied with being with only one person their entire life. Cheating is shitty and breaking that trust is a major issue. But, I think people who will never be satisfied with one partner just go through life trying to force themselves to be something that they're not. Which leads to them lying or not being up front to people who are more naturally monogamous about who they are and what they want. I hold this viewpoint. Because cheating is just way too commonplace for it to just be a character flaw of every person who does it. Going through colonial Mexican catholic church confession archives and just history in general. No matter what rules, commitments, or constructs are in place humans broadly will find a way to fuck each other or anything novel.
people also simply enjoy fucking other people and find it exiting/thrilling to cheat. Regardless, they could stop being a trash human being and simply find somebody who is open to non monogamy. Saying cheating when you have agreed not to is fine because that's the way a person is... is basically saying o well I hit my wife but I'm prone to do so as a person so it's fine, in other words it's a stupid argument.
dont forget that we're the end point of a multibillion year old biological process the only point of which is reproduction and all notions of law and morality are invented. dont overestimate people especially men (man here)
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hey thats what i said! tho its also a super lame excuse and pretty much tosses ethics out the window which no one wants
Cheating is vastly under-reported. In my slutty days I slept with countless non-single women and those were only the ones that told me during/after sex. The actual number of women who cheated with me is likely incredibly high.
Some people hold grudges for a long time dude. Hope for your sake no one's got your name written down on a to do list.
I mean, you’re self admittedly in a loveless failed marriage. You’re not exactly someone people should be listening to when it comes to cheating, especially if you’re trying to defend it with your “reasons”.
It's not that someone should listen. It's the simple fact that the whole cheaters are evil isn't that straightforward. Ignoring the fact that in most cases there is a backstory to this is generally dismissed and forgotten. Years of neglect from someone you love hurts. A lot. I still love my wife, that is why I still hope and stay. Plus the fact that the financial devastation would be enormous for us. But after over 20 years of marriage and over 10 years of neglect I have reached a breaking point. And simply my AP gives me a pause in that. Acknowledgement and the feeling of being enough for being myself and not for what I can provide.
What do you think would happen if your wife found out about your affair? Would she be hurt? It’s been years of you begging for change and she still neglects you could you just ask for an open relationship? That way you can stay together but you wouldn’t be lying or hiding.
I have no clue what her reaction would look like. I have a pretty good idea, though. And dismissing someone for years isn't boding well on that front. Yes, I think she would be hurt. Most likely not the affair itself but the person I have the affair with. And to be honest, an Open relationship was an idea I wanted to address several times. But again, my AP would not be "available" so to say. And I don't want random women. I can get that without hassle for 75 bucks an hour at any street corner in the red light district, as prostitution is legal here. The point is, and that is one the reasons for this account, I feel like I am developing feelings towards my AP far beyond a FwB or even secret lovers.
If you've reached the breaking point then break up. You can take the high road or the low road. Cheating is going to result in the same thing, it will just be a lot worse.
Just adding betrayal to the mix
So true. Sometimes it's "just" sex and not some deep mental flaw. And for those in sexless marriages it is the only way to have contact with another human.
Or it is simply a clue that people aren't monogamous by nature.
My ex cheated, so I had a long time to break things down. Keep in mind I am not condoning anything, just trying to understand it. In a relationship, you have a bucket of needs. Security, safety, someone to hold you when things are hard, to be your friend. Someone to be secure with you - and someone to make your life exciting and novel. I was fulfilling all those things, except the very last one - I was not providing excitement and novelty. The guys she would cheat on me with were all losers - unable to support her, lacking the mental capacity to emotionally connect, and overall immature. I was always totally secure. "That guy is a loser, no way would she downgrade herself for this person..." just kidding, she did. Lastly - my metric of judgment is definitely different than her metric of judgment, and a loser in my eyes is just a diamond in the rough in hers. I do not blame myself for her cheating, and think it was quite despicable. But, I can also see the reasoning behind it. But - she's gone now, and has been for some years. Life is good.
I upvoted you. Novelty brings dopamine spikes. The brain rewards risky behavior. It’s why people get addicted to very stupid activities. No long term partner can provide constant novelty. It’s a contradiction in terms. Mature people understand this. They can seek out novelty in healthier ways that doesn’t involve blowing up their own (and others) lives.
I think that you are definitely right. When you attempt to create drama in order to keep the relationship alive, that is called \*toxic\*.
Fuck, this is THE comment
Long term partners can provide constant novelty. The problem is that in our society, long term partnerships are built for the purpose of raising a nuclear family, meaning they’re saddled with responsibilities and routines that make people into boring, stressed adults. A new partner provides a fantasy-type escape from that.
I couldn’t disagree more. To expect constant novelty from a *longterm partner* (multiple years / decades) is highly unrealistic. Why would you even demand / expect that from them? Relax. Further, the healthy raising of children is underpinned by loving, stable parental relationships. This isn’t some outlier phenomena, nor must it be (as you allude to) a miserable experience. I’ve raised 3 children. It’s by far the most enriching experience of my life. To assume being a parent is “boring” is highly unimaginative and rather narrow minded.
To be honest I've always avoided the idea of raising kids because I love personal growth and learning new things, and I feel like when raising kids all of that takes a back sear while you teach someone else how to be a person. Is this accurate, or do you think there is still room for you to become a more realized version of yourself while being a parent?
In my own experience, every stage of bringing up a child had its own rewards and novelty. The first years are obviously the most intense. If someone was heavily into a hobby - doing it 6+ hours a day, that kind of thing - then those first 5 years or so of bringing up a child is going to give you the problem you described. Your child in those earlier years demands quite a bit of your time. But by the time they’re in school (5+ years old), it’s way less demanding, especially if you have a good setup with your partner. Being a parent has given me way more than it has taken from me…it’s not even close. Now my kids are teens I feel even a bit at a loss because they do so much by themselves now.
Interesting, this is very nice to hear. Thank you. Also hopefully the stage of them being teens brings something else great to the table that you didn't anticipate!
I think there are some real insecurity issues amongst cheaters, which is why the novelty is needed. Many need the validation from the attention they get from others, and it truly has nothing to do with anything the person being cheated on has or hasn't done. People with a stable sense of self do not need this kind of validation and are less likely to cheat (if they also have empathy and respect for their partner)
I think about it like this: Our body REALLY wants us to procreate, while our mind developed in such a way that it likes to emotionally bond with people. Cheaters want sex with different people (which comes with validation and excitement) but they also want support and security. It's what most people want I guess, so, while I also despise the dishonesty, I understand why it is so common. I even believe they can still love their partner despite cheating, because for some people love and sex is not necessarily connected. I used to think like op, but over time that changed. I have not cheated or been cheated on tho, so it is an outsider's perspective.
You speaking my truth my man. I’m glad you are prospering now.
I thought you was talking about cheating in video games. But, yeah cheating is bad.
Cheating in every aspect of life is overrated except school with things you don’t really need. I didn’t cheat on maths, but who tf cares about chemistry? All I need to know about chemistry for work and everyday life I learned from other sources than chemistry class.
Cheating is school is something normal. But cheating in other things in life is bad.
ANY kind of cheating! If you can't be anything else in this world, be honest. The only thing nobody can take away from you but you is your honesty.
But cheating in video game? You are supposed to play it normally, not cheat. Like I see mfs abusing glitches and cheats. They have 0 skill.
I hate that too! Not much of a gamer but I've gotten wiped out in a few mobile phone games by cheaters and those "pay to win" guys that take it way too seriously...
Lmao bless your heart
It’s people that want to have their cake and eat it too . If you want to act single , then be single .
i mean if i had a cake i would obviously eat it
But would you also want to keep ur cake and look at it? Coz u cant have both
who looks at a cake 😭
I love to look at a nice cake. Even if ive got my own cake
Yes you can, if you have two or more cakes. That's what cheating *is*.
Eat it after you look, not before silly goose
become a professional baker: problem solved.
I recently made up my mind that a lot of adults are only adults for things that make them look like adults: sex, doing chores, paying taxes. But when it comes to being actually mature like being honest, having good intents, keeping your calm etc holy fuck there is a shit ton of chidren. They focus on love sex and work but paused working on themselves. I might not have said it the best way but I think you get the idea
Working retail is an eye opener for this exact reason. You suddenly realise how immature and childish adults are.
I agree. So few adults are adults in my experience. Not just with cheating, but in actually being mature and considering other people.
You said it in a very smart way, and you are 100% correct.
YES. I've said the same thing before. A lot of folks "dress up" like adults but mentally and emotionally they still act like children - lack of coping skills, inability to accept responsibility, etc.
Also bullying. Often bullying is seen as something kids do. Like, what sane adult kind person would treat another in a way that they wouldn't like to be treated themselves? Sadly there are many, but I guess that just means they're either not sane, not kind or not adult.
I think people do it for 1 of 2 reasons. 1. Either they are unhappy in their relationship but unable to deal with it in a healthy manor due to poor communication so they cheat instead to feel something positive. 2. Or they are heavily impulsive and addictive with sex and can’t help themself. These are the people who’d *get too drunk and lose control* as an excuse. People in column 1 may never cheat again in a new relationship, people in column 2 will do it whenever they get the chance, even if they still love their spouse.
3. People who are absolutely happy in their relationships, but miss excitement and novelty. They want the high of the new fuck and the new version of themselves they get to experience when with someone new and have no intention of breaking up their happy home just to get it. 4. People who are not very happy, but choose to stay for various reasons - children, economics, community pressure or position, etc. and don't feel any obligation to stay faithful 5. People who crave external validation and never learned how to relate to this need in a positive way
To be honest: I came in 2-3 dangerous situations with different people while in my relationship. I always told my man and he was friendly enough to forgive me and I also had to listen to what it did with him emotionally. Over the years I have learned to avoid such situations, also has something to do with the ability so say no and maybe attachmentstyle which I changed. Now we are still happily together and I am very grateful that he gave me the time to learn that. I never really cheated on him and tried to be honest with him, meaning to tell everything.
A very mature answer.
Everything you said about part 2 is fully relatable. I was introduced to sex through a coercive, intense, and entirely inappropriate sexual relationship at a very young age. After that ended I just sort of repressed it and thought I'd forgotten about it but realised in my late 20's that it was just manifesting as destructive behaviour - namely impulsive sex with a lot of escorts / prostitutes. Drink or drugs never came into it, and I don't know exactly how to describe it but it's like something would suddenly just switch in my head and I'd just run on autopilot... I'm sure the early sexual relationship is the root cause not only if the sexual addiction, if that's what it is, but also just stripped any association of sex with love and intimacy, and the way that I had to cover up / forget / lie about that relationship had also carried over into adulthood.
Some of them do it because they like attention. Some like the thrill it gives them to sneak around. They never consider the pain they will cause. It’s a totally selfish and egocentric thing to do but there are many reasons why
It's extremely immature, selfish, and just plain cruel nobody deserves this from a partner.
its funny when cheaters got caught cheating, then they will try to justify their action by bringing thousands of excuses. Its awful
"I cheated because you"
caught my gf cheating a 2nd time this last Christmas Eve. I told her to gtfo of my house and she yelled at me for 2 hrs about how I made her do it because of 100 random petty things she decided were character flaws. I have to imagine she was trying just as hard to convince herself it was my fault as gaslighting me into thinking it was my fault she tripped and fell on to her coworkers dick after I already caught her cheating before. I hope I never have the displeasure of seeing her again.
Yo thats too bad, how can you tolerate she cheating at the first time? What make u give her 2nd chance. Anyways im sad for you, hope you found someone better that deserve you mate
Thought I was in love, I was stupid. Should've kicked her to the curb then and there. Lesson learned.
Selfish, narcissistic and greedy It makes my skin crawl Just end it with the other person and then go act like you're single if you want to go off flirting and sleeping with other people
It's so gross
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It's the thrill of doing something bad, mixed with selfishness and entitlement. People who cheat don't want their partner to go with other people, they want the freedom to sleep around, then go home to their loyal partner. Disgusting.
After certain age, you start to feel pressure from society to get in a monogamous relationship. You start to experience actual consequences when you meet new people and tell them you're not in a serious relationship. It can affect your personal relationships and the ones at work. Not toention the financial factor and more. All this pressure makes people get in relationship with people they might not be so attracted to/inlove with.
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But it is true. Granted, I'm still in school and have never had a real full-time job, but women are generally much more trusting of taken men. And just look at the media. 90% of relationships shown in media are monogamous. The vast majority of protagonists(especially in mainstream media) end up in monogamous relationships. \>This just seems like a way to say "its not my fault that I cheat, its everyone else's fault" lol. I still dont understand it. There's a huge difference between understanding someone's actions and excusing them. OP never said that it was right for them to cheat, just that there's a huge amount of pressure to be in a monogamous relationship.
The solution is to care less about what other people think of you. Why would you hurt someone's heart just because you care what other people think of you? Not being honest just hurts more people in the long term.
My best friend cheated on her bf Now I don’t have a best friend
i know it must have been hard but at least i think you did the right thing.
I was adopted by my ex’s friends when she cheated on me. I don’t know where I’d be without them now. You’re a good person.
I hear you. My friend told me about cheating on her bf with multiple people and thought it was funny. I cut ties with her. The bf supported her financially and everything too. Her behaviour and attitude about it disgusted me.
Same.. that’s why it’s so hard to find a partner these days. Everyone seem to think cheating is ok:(
Cheating occurs in ways more than one.
Thats why i love staying single I don't have to cheat to begin with
That's why i love being in an open relationship, there's no cheatting to begin with
I mean, it really depend on the agreements, I find that cheating usually still exists in open relationships, it just becomes way more personalized. Like, sure, sex stuff is not cheating, but maybe you and your partner decide mountain climbing is a very special intimate thing you want to keep between yourselves and if they did it with someone else it would hurt just as bad. And then people outside the relationship look at you like you're crazy for being so hurt because the very sacred special promise your partner broke isn't the same very sacred promise they have with theirs, cause they don't get that cheating is all about breaking an agreement and nothing about just sleeping with someone else.
Even the sex stuff can be cheating in open relationships. One of my exes said she wasn't sleeping with anyone else, but she was. That's cheating in my book. In fact, it's the textbook definition of cheating so it's cheating in *the* book.
I gave my ex permission to hook up if he wanted he just had to tell me, to which he agreed, and he still cheated on me with the most absurd number of people. Course he also physically and mentally abused me so respecting agreed upon relationship guidelines wasn’t really his thing.
Seen a number of people calmly and coolly talk about their open relationship and then months later it blows up out of jealousy.
Same! If a guy is cheating on his wife I don’t want to know or be around it. Same for women cheaters. They are heartless people.
100% it's very important to not surrounded yourself with people who are cheaters this also goes for your partner/ spouses friends
TIL I play chess too often
It can be hella lazy. But what is worse, is that there are some people, that I guess have super low self esteem. That still stay with the cheater, while they are still cheating on them. That is what blows me away. Like, there have been some very obvious signs, something is going on or is off, but you don't care as long as you still have a man or woman. Like how does that work?!
This is crazy to me too! I saw a post about a girl staying with her bf after he cheated and I was shocked by how many people saying they also stayed with their partner!! I don’t understand that at all. I don’t have great self esteem but finding out someone cheated on me changes how I see them. I wouldn’t even want them to touch me.
Facts. Especially if their not married or have kids.
This was a rule I made for myself before I was ever in a relationship, it eventually happened to me and it was kind of cool because I had already gone through it in my head so I didn’t feel too upset, just cut all ties instantly.
Humans are just the worse
Insecurities, doubts, the thrill and whatever else. I'm not sure. I've been married for a good couple years now and the longer I am the more this situation boggles my mind. I know not everyone is the same but, I actually enjoy coming home to my wife and kid. I don't go to the bar or really hang out a lot. I go to work, come home and spend time with them. Lol, dispensary trips too. 🤣🤣🤣 I agree, it is childish and disgusting and I know how it feels because it happened to me years ago, I wouldn't want to do that to someone. Life is to short to spread yourself that thin. Lol
I can only imagine it coming down to a power thing. Knowing someone else finds you attractive enough to sleep with you. I personally couldn’t deal with the stress, the headaches, the worry of “what if they phone or ring me when I’m with my girlfriend” and always having to lie. Sounds exhausting!
This, absolutely this. The first barrier against cheating is obviously the moral one. But the stress of covering things up and stressing about whether it'll backfire. Gosh, totally not worth of one evening of humping. Plus the effort to even get there. It's much more rewarding putting that effort to the current relationship.
That was probably a favorite with my ex wife. She got messaged by a high school crush of hers on facebook.and that's how the whole thing started. I'd have to imagine there is quite a rush in the unobtainable guy you fantasized about rheough high school approaching you out of nowhere
I honestly agree here. I made a vow. I'm a man of my word. If I'm going to cheat, I might as well get the divorce.
Weird indeed. Cheaters in tons of relationships, meanwhile faithful good person likely single. Aha.
If you are so horny, I don’t understand why you just masturbate? If you are sexually unfulfilled in your relationship, either leave them, or masturbate. I seriously do not understand how anyone can cheat. It leaves such a deep scar on their partner
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What i don't get is the person the cheat with, how can you trust this person when you know they're currently cheating on their partner.
Felt. Just leave if you’re not happy. People suck.
Agree. I hate cheaters. Just plain selfish and primitive.
Cheating is evil imo
🎯
I hate them soo bad my dad whould cheat on mom I hate them so much
I have always felt it is the ultimate betrayal of trust.
The concept is beyond me i have to admit, even if i didnt have a problem with the ethical side id be more reluctant to risk a massive confrontation rather than the relatively much smaller confrontation via breaking up.
And here's my lonely ass thinking you meant Exams
its because of general weakness/lack of moral fortitude, and horniness combined. im sure some low self-esteem and biology is mixed in but from experience thats what I think
In my experience people who cheat are ether completely immature emotionally or pathological narcissists. You typically don’t get a lot of good well round people cheating.
I think you are severely underestimating your enemy. Many, many people cheat, and most don’t get caught.
Cheating is trash
This could be because of impulsiveness, giving in to some lustful desires justified with "its just in the moment", "being high", "too emotional", "partner is not fulfilling", etc all excuses. Bascially its selfishness, they forgot they are accountable to their partners, and only want to act in the moment... They know its wrong, yet they will justify cheating... Relationship is never easy as it requires commitment, where two humans sacrifice for each other and in return live for each other. But this only works when both are trying to each other. When it comes to cheating, one stops trying, its the easy way out when you dont have to sacrifice your time, effort, mental and emotional capacity. Instead, they get the same andrenaline without commitment. There is a saying once a cheater always a cheater! It is just their pov on relationships, unless something struck them hard and they changed 360, they probably will remain a cheater mindset (all about getting that "in love" feeling until it dies out and then move on neglecting his/her responsiblities and how the partner feels).
Idiots run on instinct instead of using their brain.
lol, some cheat because it is a high to them. My ex cheated, I am very grateful now that she did. I dodged a bullet. I like cheaters they show their true colors. Cheaters can't be trusted. However they won't put a knife in your back, like other people will
cheating is so silly when there's plenty of alternatives where both partners are on board with not being exclusive and discuss the details of what that means openly and directly
It takes a certain persona to cheat. That person has to be okay with lying, covering his/her own tracks, and coming “home” to pretend that s/he didn’t just sleep with someone else to make himself feel a little bit bigger and a little bit better **at the expense of others.** Somewhere along the way you (the cheater) decided that you’d have and eat your cake too, and would live by lying, maybe even get some little enjoyment out of it because you are deceiving someone else so perfectly … thinking it’s because you are smarter than your partner, and believing this gives you some control or power. “Oooh, I changed the name of my AP to ‘Joe’ and now my partner will never know.” **It’s a lack of character, plain and simple.** Show me a cheater and I’ll show you someone who makes excuses for why ALL DAY LONG, saying whatever they need to in order to justify why they cheat. It’s always someone else’s fault — she wasn’t sexy enough, she didn’t make me feel ___, he doesn’t pay attention to me, or he made me feel ___ . Boo-f*cking-hoo. Cheating is always an option for most people. Some of us just have a stronger moral compass and being too cowardly to get out of the current relationship doesn’t justify cheating.
I agree 100% it’s a lack of character :) and these people don’t have strong morals regarding their relationships
Many people aren't truly monogamous yet they don't want to lose their significant other
That sounds selfish
Because situations aren't always black and white and it's important not to judge people when every person's circumstance is different. And, ultimately, if it doesn't effect you and your partner, then why does it matter what someone else chooses to do?
Principle.
1. That person is not trustworthy. 2. Who you associate with says a lot about you.
if you would backstab someone you supposedly love and care for dearly what stops you from doing the same thing to me if it would benefit you in anyway.
From your post, I kind of get the feeling that you don't like cheaters.
Seriously. It’s even worse when they are forgiven for their actions, it’s like praising a dog for misbehaving.
It's better to pull the plug sooner than later. Unless you are poly, you should be sure the other person is also.
It's not always cause one is unfulfilled. Some people are just pieces of shit who can't keep it in their pants.
its also an adrenaline rush
I mean if you're unhappy in a relationship, have tried to make it work etc wouldn't it be better to end the relationship and not resort to cheating? Giving each other the freedom to do what they want to do without feeling guilty? I really don't understand why those who have seemingly happy relationships would still go out and cheat. I get the whole validation thing but surely that isn't an excuse to cheat just because you're not getting enough validation from your relationship. It's a really weak and pathetic excuse in my opinion.
Being faithful is so easy. Stay at home, watch a movie. Boom! You're faithful. Yet people go through so much trouble and expenditure just to cheat. Nobody's more stupid then cheaters.
I always judged ppl who cheat till I did I tried it to see how it feels like and to tell u I felt nothing at all would be an understatement, like literally no remorse, no guilty just a nut wasted out me, they usually say that u can even get attached but trust me most of us won't . Then I went and broke up with my girl cause it was heading their anyway, I learnt one thing from that experience. Anyone who cheats on you doesn't love you simple as it can get. If u love ur partner, u will be patient and eager to make it work no matter what and if It doesn't well break it off and if it does enjoy. For such is life.
If you look throughout the animal world, there are species that evolved to be in monogamous relationships, and those that didn’t. Given the evidence, my sense is that humans did not evolve to be monogamous, but that societies imposed monogamy on them. Assuming that’s accurate, it wouldn’t be surprising for there to be cheating.
I dnt understand why cheating even exist if you want to move like your single BE SINGLE ! If you want to date multiple women/men date mutiple single women/men theirs tons out here its so nasty to want to share someone in a relationship & ppl in a relationship need to get their priorities right as well ! Its just fucked up out here fr
Real af, Just break up??? Like unless you’re a gold digger there is no reason to cheat
Cheaters loses credibility, trust & respect 🫣😏
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It's deplorable behavior, it should be judged harshly. Fuck the "situation."
If you’re not happy in a relationship for various reasons… can I ask, exactly what the fuck is so hard about leaving?