Not at all. The older I get, the more I like solitude. If I met someone with who it works, cool. If not, I am happy too. I am not lloking for the typical getting married and have kids lifestyle. I don't want kids and even if I get in a serious long term relationship, I'd might not want to move in together.
I feel exactly the same. 52F and have been single for the last 8 years. I've never been happier! It's a total revelation to me that I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy.
Same 52F and after plenty of trial and error, same results.
When you finally realize that nothing can fulfill you until you are happy with where you're at and what you already have, then being in a relationship isn't a need anymore. <3
OP - don't fall into the trap of someone else filling that empty spot in you. Fill it yourself, and then everything else fits into place.
45 and I really enjoy my alone time. I can go camping, or out to dinner, or sit at home and read, or simply DO NOTHING. I don't have to worry about any list that my SO might have for things to "get done".
Yeah, I'd like someone here with me, but right now, I'm comfortable just being ME.
I am getting married next week and I love my husband to be but I’m not even sad when I leave after visiting him on weekends in his town to go home alone to my temporary housing. I look forward to my time alone. A stark opposite to the person I once was who came apart at the seems whenever my partner and I couldn’t be together.
Probably much older than you and have been on my own for well over a decade. I kind of figure this is the way it will be. I have lots of friends, am very active, but at the end of the day it's just me trying to deal with everything. There are good things and bad things about it.
I used to worry a lot about it.
Now that I'm older, the idea of having someone in my house, that wouldn't leave, forever, seems horrifying.
I mean, maybe there's somebody out there that I'd want to have around on a permanent basis, but I'm skeptical.
I was with my past partner for five years. We lived on/off together for about two years. I never got used to sharing every living space with him, not because I didn't want to, but because I believe there's this unrealistic expectation that once you move in with someone, you're attached at the hip. Sometimes I just want some goddamn peace and quiet. He would get insulted if I asked for some time for myself. No, I don't love you less because I want to be in the bedroom reading, and you want to be in the living room watching something.
> but because I believe there's this unrealistic expectation
I never listened to those. If other people had expectations, they could apply them to their own lives, not mine.
>He would get insulted if I asked for some time for myself.
Ah, well. That's a red flag right there. Yup.
Yes! I have my own house, car, job, life. I’m not sure I am prepared to let someone in that could potentially fuck all that up for me. I love living on my own and only having to worry about myself and my dog. No in laws or spending time with people I’d rather not, the benefits of being single for me far outweigh the benefits of having a partner.
My partner and I have been together for 10 years. We lived together 2016-2021, and I hated it. I never felt at home, never got enough alone time. We now live a mile apart, and we're both much happier. We talk about building conjoined houses for retirement, and that's really the ideal for me.
I LOVE the idea of "living together apart" this way- I have this fantasy in my head of adjacent tiny homes with an enclosed central space for spending time together, or owning a duplex together.
THIS. I'm almost 37, and the idea of sharing my space again with anyone other than my kid and 2 cats makes me really nervous. Especially with the way rent is sky rocketing...
And now that I'm on a rant, I swear that when women are single, and they get a cat, the likelihood of them getting a boyfriend or life partner seems to go out the door . I don't know why?
Well. I've had cats my whole life. I've also been with my ex husband from the age of 18 up until 3 years ago. But guess who's never pissed all over the toilet seat?
LOL I have three cats and when I was first talking to my now-partner, the first thing he did was figure out how to show me pics of his cats on Tinder (by changing all his profile pics). I know a ton of cat guys - in fact, a lot of our married friends are also cat guys.
I gave up on finding anybody a long time ago. I'm just not wife or girlfriend material. Been happier than I've ever been. Do what I want when I want. Only male in my life is the big four-footed furry one laying right next to me. When I got covid
in February 2020, even though he was new to the house and me, he laid by my side the whole time and never left except to eat and pee. Nobody else did that.
I am "only" in my 30s.
I was "only" married for a little over a decade.
I have "only" been physically separated (as in not legal term separated) since July.
..thus "only" been living alone and without my primary/nesting partner for less than a year..
And I could NEVER, *ever* imagine living full time with any kind of partner, ever, ever, ever again.
.....did I mention "never ever"?
😔😮💨
Yes, same.
I thought I would want a partner when I was in my 20s. But now in my 30s, I realize that the main reason I don’t have one is because I don’t actually want one at all.
How old is " older. I'm turning 67 in a few months and other than a few aches and pains once in a while I don't think about my age. I understand exactly what you're saying, because I lean on ocb and kind of fussy about cleanliness and order. Not nuts, but when I do go to women's homes that I go out with occasionally I would not be comfortable in that environment. Going out and having fun is great.
I would love to meet someone that I could be with but don't look at them as potential life partners. That's something that I believe you really have no control over. Chemistry.
My difficulty is finding where to meet women. Night clubs and bars are just not my thing anymore. On line dating has worked in the past but the free sites are not free if you actually want to meet someone who catches your eye.
Anyone's suggestions or ideas would be welcomed. Right now I'd just like to meet someone to have some fun with. I'm not a perv,. I'm talking about adventure type fun
* Volunteer at organizations that support your interests.
* Take a just for fun class, basketweaving, dancing, whatever.
* Join social clubs such as hiking or biking clubs, gardening, or whatever activity you like; doesn't have to even be a sport.
* Travel! Cruises great way to meet people ;)
* Remember it's still good to build friendships with couples because they often have single friends ;)
And I live in a state where if they don't want to leave, you have to give them a 30 day notice and file for eviction with the court. 😱 could take 6 or more weeks to get them out.
>the idea of having someone in my house, that wouldn't leave, forever, seems horrifying.
This is where I am. Maybe if I find someone around whom I can sing (poorly) in my underwear. But I'm skeptical.
From what I have seen on Reddit, this is a very common fear for people in their late 20s. I have no idea why that is, when people have so much time ahead of them, but there you go. Perfectly normal feeling. It definitely goes away as you get older.
I am 50 and might stay single for the rest of my life, or might not if it happens it happens. It doesn't change things for me very much either way.
Most single people in their late 20s have many friends and peers who are married with children. I think it’s pretty clear why someone might think they’re “behind” and have worries about it, particularly if you want those things too. If you don’t want kids or a nuclear family then yes, for sure it can be great being single forever. As a woman in my late 20s who hopes to have a kid or 2, it’s impossible not to feel the biological clock ticking when marriage and trying for kids (plus I am genetically likely to have fertility problems) are years off in the best case scenario.
I guess after that long it would seem like a foreign concept. It's been a few years for me but I have strong recollection of how great it can be when you share life with someone you love
I vehemently disagree that it gets harder as you get older. In my experience, it gets much easier to make any kind of connection as you get older and lose some of the pressure. You're also far more likely to get into a relationship based on a healthy, authentic foundation as you get older and learn more about yourself.
Some people stumble into relationships early on in their 20s, and some of those relationships turn out to be maintainable even through the huge life changes that come with into your 30s and 40s. Good for them! But that's just not realistic for most people, not should it be expected.
True, but it is harder in a lot of ways. Less people are single. Less people don't have kids. If you have little to no experience, it is a red flag to a lot of people. Not having gone through those terrible experiences and mistakes when you were younger is a turn off to many. So, just finding someone in general is harder, but is you manage to do it, it will probably be better. But that is not a guarantee for everyone.
Yes, agreed. But from the perspective of an older woman, choosing the WRONG person out of fear or panic is 100000x worse. You’ll get to see as you age & mature. You witness dozens of break ups, break downs and straight up disasters because ppl rushed into long term relationships. Then you realize you’re so far ahead in the game just because you never chose ANYONE. And you become ok with accepting the fact you MAY be ‘alone’ forever, and how much freedom that brings.
I have been working on myself for almost 20 years and it hasn't happened. See why it feels hopeless? What more am I supposed to do? I've done the work. I've gone to therapy and still currently am. I do activities and join groups to meet people. I've optimized my health and appearance even though I don't care about others' appearance. I try my best to be the best person I can be and be someone that I would want and deserve. No one that is decent is interested. I can force people to want to date me. Someone has to want to be with me and they don't and I don't know what else to do to change that.
You can’t change that and can’t force it. That’s what people mean when they say focus on yourself - live your life, do things you are interested in and enjoy, and grow your own life in a direction that you want to go. The right people will appear along the way.
Yeah, I know. Hence the feeling hopelessness. If loving my life and doing what I want to do is all that it takes, then why hasn't it happened yet in all of the years of my life that I have already been doing that? You people all always say this but you never answer this question. How much of my life am I supposed to be alone and unloved before I'm allowed to admit defeat?
> but you never answer this question
There is no real answer. Life is different for everyone and the paths we take are not the same. People give that answer because they're being optimistic, but that answer is likely the best answer. The only thing you have control over is yourself.
I’m in my early 40s and never had much luck in the relationship department. At this point I doubt I’ll ever be in a long term relationship. I’ve made my peace with that.
Sorry not single. But I was for a looong time. A few short relationships, but nothing that would stick. I was fine though, had a nice house for my man pad, big TV, friends all that jazz. I was ok being alone, and was busy enough to not feel too lonely. So totally fine.
Met someone at the age of 42. Now I'm 49 with a lovely wife, two kids. Never say never folks. But if you're happy being solo, go for it, you do you.
So I didn’t have more than a couple semi serious girlfriends after university, and never lived with any of them, so probably 15 years or so.
Having someone move in was, well, it required an adjustment. Luckily we meshed pretty well. I love cooking, she hates it and is terrible, but is keen to keep a spotless house, so we fired my cleaner and got that sorted. More of an issue was nights to be honest. I snore like a dying warthog with bronchitis, so there was a bit of to and fro and sleeping in separate rooms until she found some really good earplugs 😊
Why is it so hard for singles to partner up these days? I ask as a much-older observer. I don't think finding love has ever been easy, but it seems harder than ever now.
My theory is that life is generally easier to live on your own than perhaps ever before. People don't "have" to get together in order to survive or have a decent life as much as past generations. There is less stigma, too. So, I think the result is people are much less willing to compromise in anything or give up complete control of their life. A lot of relationships started out uncertain and rocky with lots of compromise and growing pains, people are less open to that today,I think.
Expectations in a partner are way higher than they have ever been at any point in human history. People seek out a partner that completes them existentially instead of just someone to ride through this short journey to death, who isn't an asshole and treats them nice and maybe helps raise some kids.
There is your answer right there.
Meanwhile... today in 2024 still nearly half of marriages globally are arranged. This is a western thing in particular rooted in individualism.
I think this is partially true, and also.... I'm starting to frequently see people with the mentality of "what do they bring to the table" when it comes to dating. I think it's such an unhealthy mentality to have. People shouldn't be viewed transactionally, relationships should never be based off of transaction. It shouldn't be what someone brings to a relationship, instead, it should be how well you connect with each other. The other workings can be sorted out down the road....
There's a 3 minute video on this concept.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvnE80C7c8o](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvnE80C7c8o)
The part from 2:30 to 3:00 is the key point.
>It shouldn't be what someone brings to a relationship, instead, it should be how well you connect with each other.
I would even go further. It's not even about what **they** bring to the table, rather it's about what **you** bring to the table. This is part of why the whole approach of dating apps is so toxic - because the way they set up goals is backwards. They should be asking for what you think you provide, and leave it at that, allowing people to match their needs by looking at what others are providing.
A healthy relationship is a place for you to share your gifts with a person who will deeply appreciate them. This is what ultimately makes them so fulfilling. It's not a place for you to take, it's a place for you to give, to someone who will receive those gifts.
I think this is certainly part of it. We lost a lot of community life which would meet a lot of needs we're now looking for a partner to fill.
I think as a woman, we now also want more in a relationship than simply finding a man who will be a good provider. Emotional maturity, accountability, *regular maturity*, etc.. are qualities that are not particularly easy to find. Women are learning that relationships are often not equitable enough for them to feel driven to seek them.
I won't even get into all the social programming we get about what love is or how to obtain it.
The internet has made us both more connected then ever but also more isolated. I think that has a big part of it. That and while it's not like it's impossible to have a date in the park or library, a lot of the traditional date spots, like say dinner and a movie, have become prohibitively expensive.
I’m in my early 40s and never had much luck in the relationship department. At this point I doubt I’ll ever be in a long term relationship. I’ve made my peace with that.
I feel sad and empty with underlying fear and shame. I married / divorced young, dated a lot of guys but never thought about marrying again. I traveled 90% for work for ~ 30 years, and never thought about the future. I’m retiring now, when I stopped traveling due to Covid i felt a sick shock that this is my life.
In my late 20s I worried a lot. And dated like crazy.
Most of them were wrong for me or just bad ppl but I didn't care I just wanted to be married.
When time and again I went through break ups and went in my 30s and im still single, had I just taken it easy then and not been so worried to end up in the situation I'm in now I might not have been in this situationin the first place. I'm broken, exhausted from dating and my self esteem is shot being broken up so often and too late to find someone thst would match me and ended up depressed and hopeless thst it will ever happen for me.
So no, I'm not scared anymore. My worst nightmare has realized itself. And FOR ME it's been worse than I imagined
So don't let fear consume you
Thank you. Logically we knew one of us was going to die first, but we didn’t expect it to be so soon.
If you’re married, tell your spouse you love them.
I'm so very sorry for your loss.
It's early days yet. I would say (as someone living with their widowed mother of 2 years and seeing the process up close), don't rush into anything just to fill the gaps as that could backfire. Take the time to miss/mourn/grieve your wife and also, the life you had together. In whatever ways you need.
And don't let anyone tell you how you should feel or how you should be acting or how soon or how late or how 'far along' you should or shouldn't be.
Esp strangers on Reddit like me. XD
Haven't been a fear ever, I have been single almost most of my life and I don't regret it, most of the guys I liked were not good for me since I have a lot of trauma.
I would like a partner but everyday I find it more difficult since most men I meet desire me but don't love me and that's not what I want and I won't settle for some dumb dude just to be with someone. So if it doesn't happen I'm ok with it.
Ten years ago, at 49, I fully expected to be alone forever, and I was fine with it.
Nine years ago, I met the love of my life. Four years and five months ago, we got married. Four months later, he died.
As lonely as I am, I don't FEAR that I won't find another partner; I KNOW it. I'm completely broken now. Can't go back to who I was ten years ago: back then, I didn't know what I was missing; now, I do.
My heart goes out to you. That is brutal.
I am also still single (f) at 49, and that scenario has occurred to me as well- finding a permanent someone at this stage of life has its risks as well. What if I do find someone that I really can't live without, and then it's just a short time and I lose him? (or vice-versa; don't want to put anyone through that either)
Watching my mother grieve the loss of my dad after 47 years has probably played into this fear.
I am so sorry that you two did not have more time together. It is not fair or right and I don't think there are any words that alone will make it better. <3
Yep. We knew we wouldn't likely get 30 years, but given his family's longevity, we figured we had a good shot at 20. And we never even got to celebrate one anniversary. Hell, I didn't have time to get used to wearing a wedding ring!
People who say "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" most definitely did NOT consider that scenario.
Most people seem to be looking for perfection and when they can’t find it they give up. If you want a relationship with another person you’re going to have to settle and/or compromise on something.
I think it's fine to have high expectations. My life is pretty awesome. I'm not looking for someone to sleep next to at night because I can't handle being alone.
I would like that person to add to my awesome life. To be fair, I would like to do the same for the other person. I have had people interested in me who clearly just want to be with SOMEONE. I don't find it particularly flattering.
If I don't find that, I'm completely fine with what I have going on.
Fear? oh, hell no. relief maybe, but not fear. I've had several long term partners over the decades and my choice is to remain single. Some of us are natural loners. I am one of them.
Approaching mid-30’s here. No fear here, don’t care if I get one or not. But as long as we are on the subject. I think I am not ready for the type of partner I would want.
I would want someone who is organized, who can competently execute a variety of tasks with minimal to no hand-holding or supervision, has interests that do not bore me to listen about, can carry a conversation, shares the housework, likes living in a fiscally sensible lifestyle, has good control over their emotions and practices good self care.
I am … not as good at these tasks as I should be (working on it though). And by the time I learn all of this stuff to match my new partner, my life will have improved so much that I won’t care about having one lol.
Edit: added some words for clarification.
Good perspective! You can’t always count on perfect timing. That’s why staying positive with people while dating is so important. Miss wrong can become Mrs right when you are the one that changed! Don’t lose numbers and don’t burn bridges. Love everybody
I’m more worried that I WILL get lured into a relationship than that I won’t. I’m happy as can be on my own and a relationship would only get me off course from my goals and aspirations.
Oh it’s a big fear. It haunts me. I’m likely not gonna last long without a companion, I hate being alone, sleeping alone, awaking up alone… it’s gonna be the the thing that winds up being the end of me. I don’t want to grow much older without love.
Hell, I’d even take just wing able to live with good friends again. However, they’re all coupled up and most of them have kids. So, that’s pretty much that. I’m an outcast. I’m fortunate that I’ve experienced love a few times, I know what it is and how it elevates me. Regrets haunt me.
So, yay! ._.
Do you have a pet? I would feel incredibly lonely if I did not have my dog to sleep with and wake up to every morning. I know a dog cannot replace the love of another person but they make it easy to forget you are alone. As a bonus I have been walking 3-4 miles a day with mine, you meet a ton of people walking on popular trails or going to dog parks. Maybe you will walk by the person you are looking for someday
I have had the recurring nightmare where I found myself married -
I am comfortable with my own company - and I am able to find the company of others when it so suits me. I have freedom, and I don't have to ask permission or coordinate if I want to go on some spur-of-the-moment adventure.
I've always had a hard time with relationships, one of my biggest fears used to be that I'd die alone. I thought I met someone special, but I was wrong. I am no longer worried about dying alone.
None. Married twice. Divorced twice. Never been happier than when I'm by myself. You do not need another person to complete you and if you think you do, it's time to go to therapy.
I'm resigned to it. Granted, I have spent a lifetime avoiding anything to do with it, but even if I did a full 180° tomorrow and I opened myself up to the idea of love and relationships and such, I know what I'm about and I know what women are generally looking for, especially in their mid to late 30s like I am, and I'm sure nobody would be buying what I'm selling.
I lost my husband and am now suddenly single in my 40’s. I’m adjusting to being alone (with younger kids). I am ok being alone but sometimes get this panic realization I might never find someone to live the best years with. It’s so much better having a partner (as long as they are a good partner and bring you peace and comfort and love). It’s not really that different from being alone except you have someone to talk to and have sex with and it feels like you have someone in your corner for support.
In my 20s I was worried about it and couldn’t think of a worse fate. Now that I’m not too far from 40, I don’t really care.
I feel like my last relationship kinda proved that relationships aren’t for me. I have a hard time picturing someone in my space all the time. Besides, none of my married friends are happily married. It all sounds rather miserable to me, tbh.
No fear of being alone forever, but would be nice to find the right man. In the meantime, i’m working on me and enjoying my own company. When you feel lonely, get through it alone and reflect on why you feel that way. Learn from that loneliness. Spend time w/ urself. Do things by yourself. Be happy with being by yourself. Smiling at people when you are out will maybe help meet them. You never know where you’ll meet someone, and i refuse to use apps.
34 here.
I don't worry about it at all. I spent the entirety of my twenties in one relationshipand since that ended I have realized just how amazing it is to live alone. I feel like I am a complete person, and feel zero desperation to settle for someone who isnt absolutely everything I am looking for in a partner. If I don't meet that person, I'll be fine. If I do meet that person... Well I will cross that bridge if I ever get there. I like my life and the predictability/simplicity of it as things are. It would take a lot for me to be willing to shake things up.
A lot of fear. I didn't when I was younger, but I'm 35(f) now. Never been married, have no kids- no ex relationship baggage, or "trauma," and I've never been promiscuous. I've just always been solo. Never put myself out there...
But getting older, my options are becoming limited pretty quickly. The fear is rising...
I'm single, but probably not who your question is meant for. I've have two 10+ year relationships. And now I'm not interested in doing that again at all. My only fear is affording housing on my own long term.
I'm over 50 now, and even when I was in my late 20's, it was a thing. I think it's much worse if you are female, want kids before 35, and that clock starts ticking louder and louder. If you meet someone, you have to date first, then get engaged, then married, and all those things take time. And your window for having kids in the traditional timeframe is getting smaller and smaller. I'm remembering that feeling just typing this.
Even subtle other things...your friends are married and talking about babies, and you don't even have a partner yet. Then they start having babies at the same time, and suddenly you're the odd one out of a group of friends you've had for over 10 years.
Eventually you move on, you make new friends, your old friends make a token effort, but it's just all hard and painful. Then there are the 'we're so sorry you can't find anyone' looks from family. And people offering to set you up with their neighbors 40 year old son who still lives in their basement and works gig jobs. The number of single females in your life...its strange. The majority of them are childfree by choice, and you can't really relate to that. Some try to understand what you are feeling, others can't relate to wanting children. My 30's were absolutely the hardest of my life.
If I'm very honest, if I had it to do over again, I'd probably settle for someone who was not my great love, but who would give me a traditional, stable, happy life. I'd make finding someone who also wanted to get married and have children soon a priority. I definitely wouldn't count on things falling into place 'once I was happy being alone and not even looking'. And I'd put a timeline on how long I was willing to look for a partner before becoming a single Mom. Biggest regret of my life, and I often encourage women in their 20's that 100% know they want kids to making finding a good partner a priority. Hindsight, 20/20, checking in.
You know what? Maybe I’ve been bad at picking but all the partners I’ve had so far were not right for me long term. Life is an adventure. Maybe I have a few more LTR, maybe I don’t. First step to being well with others is being well with yourself though. And I am content with myself. I am also content to wait for the right one who suits me at my current stage in life rather than jumping for whoever expresses interest like I did in my twenties and teens.
Yeah I do worry about it tbh. I’m 30M and I feel like my time is running out. I don’t really have my life together and I don’t plan on having kids, so it’s kinda freaking me out.
I'm mostly used to the idea. I had one long relationship that didn't work out... I think that was my one shot. Since it's gone now, I think this is it.
*i have never worried that i would not find another long term partner. In fact, this thought is reassuring. But i worry that this realization felt uneasy in my body for too long*
No fear!! I invest in being healthy and having healthy relationships with my family, friends and community! I KNOW I’m a blessing in the lives I touch 🥰🎉
Meditate and self-inquire instead. You will find everything you need there. If a partner comes along after that you will never remain with them out of fear and that is freedom
Almost 12 years without anyone here. First it was panic, then after several more years it was just fear, now it's becoming acceptance. I've learned that I do not have the energy and emotional resilience to navigate the battle of trying to convince people I'm worthwhile, while simultaneously trying to figure out if they are. Relationships have been few and far between for me for a reason, just took me almost 50 years to learn. I managed to be married once and became a dad, for which I'm thankful. Now I'm trying to undo a lifetime of thinking I'm a failure if I don't have someone, so that I can find some semblance of joy in the latter part of life.
Nah. I treasure my alone time. My ideal situation would be a casual regular thing with someone who feels the same, just needs an occasional date or cuddle buddy.
Not worried at all. I'm 54, have been in relationships but am currently single. I don't need a partner to give my life meaning or happiness - partners have only added to it in the past.
A facet of maturing is becoming independent, and knowing you're enough. I'm much happier single than with the wrong partner (this includes perfectly ok people, but being with them due to fear of singledom)
I'm 41, never been married, and at this point I think it's just something that's not in the cards for me. I'm torn on it. The feeling of having nobody who loves me sucks. Being loved is a great feeling. Someone to cuddle and spend time with. But the thought of someone that I'd have to run every decision by and be entangled with financially really isn't appealing. I'm afraid of being really utterly alone soon though. I see my parents together and helping each other out in their old age and I don't think that's something I'm going to have.
Fear?
Try hopelessness.
And at 49, I've now been single most of my life at this point.
I'm just glad I got the relationships that I did, which were around 5 years worth with 5 different women.
I haven't dated or been intimate with a woman in 11 years.
I was married for 22 years when she up and left. It's going to take a hell of a woman to earn my trust again. Been divorced 4 years. It's not looking promising.
Oh this made me really want to laugh hard! I've been married (long term) and I am SO much happier being single. I'm now 53, been single for just over a decade and I am never going to look for another partner again.
No fear, partnership is bonus content. I am not satisfied with Life: The Base Game, but honestly I already have too many xpacs, like American Healthcare Anxiety and Mindless Doomscrolling, so I really don't have time for the partnership DLC right now.
Before I bother with any of that I'm gonna need to upgrade my career and invest some additional skill points into leveling up my physical health. My current side quest situation is pretty cluttered, but I'm working on some hobbies anyway, because life should be enjoyed.
I'm not fulfilled, but I am overwhelmed, y'know?
Reading these comments, have people given up on love? I’m hoping so. I can’t wait to find my person and build a life together. I can’t imagine rationalizing that staying single is the move.
I'm not single, but I came here to say that I met my partner when they were 33 and single, never having been in a serious relationship. We've been together for almost 16 years now. For those of you who are worried, there's hope ❤️
I'm in my late 30s and going through a divorce from a cheating wife. I'm very scared
I was with her for 10 years. I'm learning how to be alone all over again. I'll no longer have anyone to share special moments and memories with. I won't have anyone watching my back and helping me if I get too sick or injured to take care of myself. And I'm absolutely terrified that I won't be able to open up again and trust enough to allow someone in who deserves to be included in my life
I am not worried at all. I like my own company and I live with my sis, so there's no power play or issues. I do what I want when I want.
And I have toys and porn for the rest.
When I was in my late 20s, I thought I would never meet my significant other. I was wrong. We met at a company gym. Later ran into each other at a grocery store. Been together for 28 years.
I'm not worried at all. I'll be 45 soon. I have amazing friends and family, a job I enjoy with a good pension, my own home, fulfilling hobbies, and all the freedom in the world. I live a simple, full life on my own.
That doesn't mean I don't get lonely and I have struggled with anxiety for years, but I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I'm not for everybody but some people just love me. I have no reason to believe that love won't happen again.
I am happily single and if that's forever so be it.
I'm not entirely dismissing the possibility of finding the right person, I just think it's improbable given my location.
I’m 39. Divorced. Mother of 2. I thought I found someone but that’s not happening.
I don’t miss my ex husband but I do miss being married. I really hope I can find someone.
None whatsoever. I’ve been married twice and did a live-in stint before that.
It is so much nicer to just sleep alone without having to put up with someone else’s snoring or whatever nocturnal things they have going on. Also, personality stuff. Or in-laws. Or their insufferable kids that you end up with because babymama is too busy getting plastic surgery to be a mom. Just no.
I wasn't at all afraid when I was in my 20s. It's always been easy for me to meet people, have little adventures. Around my mid-30s tho, still not having found my person, I started to worry. One day I thought to myself that maybe I hadn't found my person because I was never actually actively trying to. So, I gave myself a goal: I would have 100 dates where I try. I would go out with people with the express idea that I'm looking for my forever person. My hope was, that all 100 dates would be just one person.
I'm now at 84 dates. Those dates were with 18 different people. I gave up hope like, 60 dates ago. But, I'll officially give up hope in 16 more. I have no doubt I'll have reached those 16 before this year is over.
It's definitely there. I try not to think about it, or I guess I try to recognize it and understand why I feel that way but don't dwell on it. I'm spending more time looking at myself and trying to find out what I want in the long term instead. It is difficult to really focus on that sometimes but it does give me something to work towards.
All in all it's about what is productive or worthwhile to focus my energy on, and worrying about something that is ultimately out of my control isn't worth it. I can focus on improving myself and being who I am and whatever happens happens
Fear? I'm counting on it. I'm probably on an extreme end of the spectrum but I think many people who are afraid of not having a long term partner are experiencing a bit of "grass is greener on the other side. You're also far more likely to get into toxic or mismatched relationships if you worry about finding a partner.
Of all my friends and cousins, those that are in happy relationships are the ones who never really cared and all those that wanted to get married are now divorced or miserable.
Most of the time, no fear at all. It’s only when I’m having a really tough time, feeling extra emotional or lonely, that I get sad and afraid. As soon as I can think objectively again, I realize I want a unicorn and would rather be single forever than settle for a horse.
With that said, I’m currently raising a puppy, and cursing my singleness to the heavens because I’m so tired of, well, everything involved with raising a puppy.
39F
I'm about to turn 25 and not worried about it at all but admittedly I am still young. I am not really actively trying and I'm sure if I tried harder, I could find someone
I don’t fear not finding anyone. I know there’s someone out there for me. But I fear at this rate, life has become so expensive where I live so I’m scared I will never have the time to date. I work 7 days a week now, just to get by. Morning to night. How am I support to meet someone this way? So yeah, in this sense, I’m worried. It’s more of a time issue for me.
I personally have no fear of that. I really am not about cleaning up after other ppl anymore. I’m also kind of done with ppl pleasing among many other things. Also, the thought of all the inevitable drama that comes with those types of relationships makes me feel nauseous.
I was married for 13 years then divorced when I was 40. I spent two years alone and didn’t care for it much. During that time I was lonely and feared the possibility of never finding someone. At the same time I knew options were few but also that I couldn’t settle for just anyone. There was one woman that was very into me but something just didn’t click so I ended that. Then a dear friend from work coincidentally got divorced and we spent time together for mutual support. We became inseparable, then deeply in love. We’ve been blissfully married for 8 years now.
If I could find my perfect match at 42, I think there’s hope for most people at most ages.
M64. I gave up 25 years ago. I guess I care but I know it’s not gonna happen. I don’t have what women want—mostly, money. I’m poor, despite having a huge amount of education. I’ve stopped caring. I’ve accepted my fate. it’s too late now anyway. I feel that my life has been a big waste. Not just for this reason. I never did anything good for anybody. My intelligent and kindness will go wasted. I really think some people are not fit to flourish in this world.
Not single but can relate. In my 20s, I felt like everyone, and I mean *everyone* was having it so much easier than me. I dated, but never anywhere near as much as my friends. I never had any long-term relationships...a couple weeks, max. The ache of loneliness was awful, just terrible, day in and day out. In my late 20s it only got slightly easier, and I was able to date for a few months at a stretch, with very long dry spells in between. I felt so behind my peers, and life felt so unfair. In my early 30s, I was really starting to despair, feeling like the window of opportunity for anything long-term had long-since passed. I thought life would be better if I could somehow turn off my hormones and my desire for companionship entirely, just resign myself to being a hermit.
Eventually I guess a new level of maturity kicked in, and I just started working on myself, getting some therapy, making some changes in who I wanted to be, what my outlook on life was. Everything changed after that, for the better. Before I knew it, I was in a long-term relationship, still going after almost 20 years now.
I should've made those personal changes sooner, but also I just needed to be patient. Some of us are late bloomers. Some of us have bad luck.
No idea if your experience will be the same, I'm just saying I felt hopeless about romance at that age, too, but it's not necessarily how things are going to be forever.
I am mid 30s, I accepted that "long term" can be difficult.
Life changes, people are allowed to change with it.
To truly be in a long term or permanent relationship, requires mutual sacrifice and full trust in your partner.
It can't be a rational decision because you think its right, its right now, its wrong later, and then what?
Not really. I don't fear what I don't understand. Romantic relationships for me don't make much sense. I just invest in myself, my family and friends. Plus romantic relationships for women are generally more dangerous so I don't see the benefit in it.
50M here. I’ve never had a relationship. I’ve been turned down by every woman I’ve ever asked. Yes, every one. I don’t try to date anymore as I have no experience and no skills. I’m perfectly happy being single. I try to be as optimistic as I can as a lot of people don’t feel the same way. I have money, I travel. I have great nieces and nephews and friends to spend time with.
It's not a fear anymore at this point. It's just becoming a deeper, more reserved type of sadness I carry way in the back of my mind. It will suck when I need care. I can't suffer about it now and then. So I'll do my best until then. See? Sad.
I’m not worried about it. I have the rest of this year to achieve my childhood dreams and get my life together and my parents and I will commence my search for an arranged marriage early next year. I’m 32. I turn 33 next year. Focus on your own race!
I was also worried about it in my late 20s, and it caused me a lot of mental anguish that I "dealt with" by drinking beer. Some medical complications forced that to stop, and then I simply had to come to grips with the fact that I'm probably just not partnerable.
I'm completely unattractive physically in perhaps the worst way. I'm a dude who looks like a child at a glance but, like, an *old* child if you actually give more than a glance. John Mulaney had a bit about it. He says he gets older but he doesn't look older -- he just looks *worse*. Of course, he's six feet tall, in shape, and decently handsome, so he's fine. I... am not. My situation appeals to exactly no one. My only chance is to charm the pants off someone.
The problem, however, is on top of being ugly as fuck I've also had social anxiety my whole life. Making friends was always a struggle and meeting women was happenstance rather than something I could pursue. True social anxiety (as opposed to just being shy) also manifests itself once a connection has been made, so *keeping* friends and girls around has *also* always been a struggle.
Somewhere in my early 30s or so I just had to give up. I can't fucking compete with even the average dudes out there, and the shift from in-person to online made it even less likely for me to even have a chance. I can't focus on that, though, or the mental anguish will creep back in. I had to properly accept it.
If something happens, so be it, but I can't expect it, or even really want it, because it just doesn't align with my reality.
No fear, but pretty confident I will not have a longterm/life partner. Some people don’t, it’s totally ok! Luckily I grew up with single aunts and uncles that completely normalized it for me.
It's not a fear exactly. A bit of regret, but light one at that, and it too may disappear. I'm happy to not have any kids too, because of the state of the world I'd be bringing them into.
Not at all. The older I get, the more I like solitude. If I met someone with who it works, cool. If not, I am happy too. I am not lloking for the typical getting married and have kids lifestyle. I don't want kids and even if I get in a serious long term relationship, I'd might not want to move in together.
I feel exactly the same. 52F and have been single for the last 8 years. I've never been happier! It's a total revelation to me that I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy.
Same 52F and after plenty of trial and error, same results. When you finally realize that nothing can fulfill you until you are happy with where you're at and what you already have, then being in a relationship isn't a need anymore. <3 OP - don't fall into the trap of someone else filling that empty spot in you. Fill it yourself, and then everything else fits into place.
45 and I really enjoy my alone time. I can go camping, or out to dinner, or sit at home and read, or simply DO NOTHING. I don't have to worry about any list that my SO might have for things to "get done". Yeah, I'd like someone here with me, but right now, I'm comfortable just being ME.
I am getting married next week and I love my husband to be but I’m not even sad when I leave after visiting him on weekends in his town to go home alone to my temporary housing. I look forward to my time alone. A stark opposite to the person I once was who came apart at the seems whenever my partner and I couldn’t be together.
This!! Same here
Probably much older than you and have been on my own for well over a decade. I kind of figure this is the way it will be. I have lots of friends, am very active, but at the end of the day it's just me trying to deal with everything. There are good things and bad things about it.
I used to worry a lot about it. Now that I'm older, the idea of having someone in my house, that wouldn't leave, forever, seems horrifying. I mean, maybe there's somebody out there that I'd want to have around on a permanent basis, but I'm skeptical.
I was with my past partner for five years. We lived on/off together for about two years. I never got used to sharing every living space with him, not because I didn't want to, but because I believe there's this unrealistic expectation that once you move in with someone, you're attached at the hip. Sometimes I just want some goddamn peace and quiet. He would get insulted if I asked for some time for myself. No, I don't love you less because I want to be in the bedroom reading, and you want to be in the living room watching something.
> but because I believe there's this unrealistic expectation I never listened to those. If other people had expectations, they could apply them to their own lives, not mine. >He would get insulted if I asked for some time for myself. Ah, well. That's a red flag right there. Yup.
Yeah no kidding. I've lived with my wife for years and we both understand the "me time" thing. My stupid dogs on the other hand....
Yes! I have my own house, car, job, life. I’m not sure I am prepared to let someone in that could potentially fuck all that up for me. I love living on my own and only having to worry about myself and my dog. No in laws or spending time with people I’d rather not, the benefits of being single for me far outweigh the benefits of having a partner.
Same; it would have to be one hell of an amazing partner to just give someone the keys to everything I have built up in my life on my own.
My partner and I have been together for 10 years. We lived together 2016-2021, and I hated it. I never felt at home, never got enough alone time. We now live a mile apart, and we're both much happier. We talk about building conjoined houses for retirement, and that's really the ideal for me.
I LOVE the idea of "living together apart" this way- I have this fantasy in my head of adjacent tiny homes with an enclosed central space for spending time together, or owning a duplex together.
THIS. I'm almost 37, and the idea of sharing my space again with anyone other than my kid and 2 cats makes me really nervous. Especially with the way rent is sky rocketing...
And now that I'm on a rant, I swear that when women are single, and they get a cat, the likelihood of them getting a boyfriend or life partner seems to go out the door . I don't know why?
Well. I've had cats my whole life. I've also been with my ex husband from the age of 18 up until 3 years ago. But guess who's never pissed all over the toilet seat?
We don't have to change who we are or how we look or what we do for our cat ;) That, and they usually don't hog the blankets.
Your cat may vary.
Right?! Mine is a grand total of 6 petite pounds and manages to hog 3/4 of a queen size bed 😂
LOL I have three cats and when I was first talking to my now-partner, the first thing he did was figure out how to show me pics of his cats on Tinder (by changing all his profile pics). I know a ton of cat guys - in fact, a lot of our married friends are also cat guys.
Because for some of us a little bit of life, ie a cat or dog, in our home is just enough.
Cuz cats are amazing creatures if you have the patience to deal with them
[удалено]
The " cat lady"
I gave up on finding anybody a long time ago. I'm just not wife or girlfriend material. Been happier than I've ever been. Do what I want when I want. Only male in my life is the big four-footed furry one laying right next to me. When I got covid in February 2020, even though he was new to the house and me, he laid by my side the whole time and never left except to eat and pee. Nobody else did that.
I am "only" in my 30s. I was "only" married for a little over a decade. I have "only" been physically separated (as in not legal term separated) since July. ..thus "only" been living alone and without my primary/nesting partner for less than a year.. And I could NEVER, *ever* imagine living full time with any kind of partner, ever, ever, ever again. .....did I mention "never ever"? 😔😮💨
I never, ever say never. I bet you jinxed that now
I’m curious, were you surprised that you felt that way after the divorce happened or were you expecting it?
Yes, same. I thought I would want a partner when I was in my 20s. But now in my 30s, I realize that the main reason I don’t have one is because I don’t actually want one at all.
How old is " older. I'm turning 67 in a few months and other than a few aches and pains once in a while I don't think about my age. I understand exactly what you're saying, because I lean on ocb and kind of fussy about cleanliness and order. Not nuts, but when I do go to women's homes that I go out with occasionally I would not be comfortable in that environment. Going out and having fun is great. I would love to meet someone that I could be with but don't look at them as potential life partners. That's something that I believe you really have no control over. Chemistry. My difficulty is finding where to meet women. Night clubs and bars are just not my thing anymore. On line dating has worked in the past but the free sites are not free if you actually want to meet someone who catches your eye. Anyone's suggestions or ideas would be welcomed. Right now I'd just like to meet someone to have some fun with. I'm not a perv,. I'm talking about adventure type fun
* Volunteer at organizations that support your interests. * Take a just for fun class, basketweaving, dancing, whatever. * Join social clubs such as hiking or biking clubs, gardening, or whatever activity you like; doesn't have to even be a sport. * Travel! Cruises great way to meet people ;) * Remember it's still good to build friendships with couples because they often have single friends ;)
Are you sure you’re not confusing “partner” with “poltergeist?” ( again) /s
Eldritch beings that cause problems and move your stuff around when you're not looking? I guess the two are easily mistaken.
This, thousand times this.
And I live in a state where if they don't want to leave, you have to give them a 30 day notice and file for eviction with the court. 😱 could take 6 or more weeks to get them out.
Yeah, in CA it's 90 days best case, months/years if they want to drag it out.
I've heard of some nightmare squatters situations there. Pretty rough for the homeowners.
Look up Hobosexual. Essentially it's Men and women who use romantic partners for free housing.
>the idea of having someone in my house, that wouldn't leave, forever, seems horrifying. This is where I am. Maybe if I find someone around whom I can sing (poorly) in my underwear. But I'm skeptical.
From what I have seen on Reddit, this is a very common fear for people in their late 20s. I have no idea why that is, when people have so much time ahead of them, but there you go. Perfectly normal feeling. It definitely goes away as you get older. I am 50 and might stay single for the rest of my life, or might not if it happens it happens. It doesn't change things for me very much either way.
In my 30s and happy to be single.
Most single people in their late 20s have many friends and peers who are married with children. I think it’s pretty clear why someone might think they’re “behind” and have worries about it, particularly if you want those things too. If you don’t want kids or a nuclear family then yes, for sure it can be great being single forever. As a woman in my late 20s who hopes to have a kid or 2, it’s impossible not to feel the biological clock ticking when marriage and trying for kids (plus I am genetically likely to have fertility problems) are years off in the best case scenario.
I’m 64 and completely agree!
68 here, haven’t wanted to date or have a partner since my last one, in 1987!
I guess after that long it would seem like a foreign concept. It's been a few years for me but I have strong recollection of how great it can be when you share life with someone you love
It's a common fear for people our age because the older you get, the harder it becomes and if you haven't had any luck so far, it feels hopeless.
I vehemently disagree that it gets harder as you get older. In my experience, it gets much easier to make any kind of connection as you get older and lose some of the pressure. You're also far more likely to get into a relationship based on a healthy, authentic foundation as you get older and learn more about yourself. Some people stumble into relationships early on in their 20s, and some of those relationships turn out to be maintainable even through the huge life changes that come with into your 30s and 40s. Good for them! But that's just not realistic for most people, not should it be expected.
True, but it is harder in a lot of ways. Less people are single. Less people don't have kids. If you have little to no experience, it is a red flag to a lot of people. Not having gone through those terrible experiences and mistakes when you were younger is a turn off to many. So, just finding someone in general is harder, but is you manage to do it, it will probably be better. But that is not a guarantee for everyone.
Yes, agreed. But from the perspective of an older woman, choosing the WRONG person out of fear or panic is 100000x worse. You’ll get to see as you age & mature. You witness dozens of break ups, break downs and straight up disasters because ppl rushed into long term relationships. Then you realize you’re so far ahead in the game just because you never chose ANYONE. And you become ok with accepting the fact you MAY be ‘alone’ forever, and how much freedom that brings.
It may feel hopeless but it's not. Try working on yourself first then prioritize relationship skills. You will likely find someone rather quickly.
I have been working on myself for almost 20 years and it hasn't happened. See why it feels hopeless? What more am I supposed to do? I've done the work. I've gone to therapy and still currently am. I do activities and join groups to meet people. I've optimized my health and appearance even though I don't care about others' appearance. I try my best to be the best person I can be and be someone that I would want and deserve. No one that is decent is interested. I can force people to want to date me. Someone has to want to be with me and they don't and I don't know what else to do to change that.
You can’t change that and can’t force it. That’s what people mean when they say focus on yourself - live your life, do things you are interested in and enjoy, and grow your own life in a direction that you want to go. The right people will appear along the way.
Yeah, I know. Hence the feeling hopelessness. If loving my life and doing what I want to do is all that it takes, then why hasn't it happened yet in all of the years of my life that I have already been doing that? You people all always say this but you never answer this question. How much of my life am I supposed to be alone and unloved before I'm allowed to admit defeat?
> but you never answer this question There is no real answer. Life is different for everyone and the paths we take are not the same. People give that answer because they're being optimistic, but that answer is likely the best answer. The only thing you have control over is yourself.
When you love yourself, you are never unloved.
I would suggest partnering up with someone who has an established history of successful dating. Do what he did, get what he got.
I only wish the older I get the harder it gets.
I think it’s bc most people who do want a family would like to settle down by their early 30s and get started on the baby making.
50 and single too. Always wanted a family though and feel like I missed out. Love my freedom being single—it’s invaluable.
I’m in my early 40s and never had much luck in the relationship department. At this point I doubt I’ll ever be in a long term relationship. I’ve made my peace with that.
Sorry not single. But I was for a looong time. A few short relationships, but nothing that would stick. I was fine though, had a nice house for my man pad, big TV, friends all that jazz. I was ok being alone, and was busy enough to not feel too lonely. So totally fine. Met someone at the age of 42. Now I'm 49 with a lovely wife, two kids. Never say never folks. But if you're happy being solo, go for it, you do you.
May I ask how long you were single and how difficult it was for you to adjust to sharing your life again after a long time solo?
So I didn’t have more than a couple semi serious girlfriends after university, and never lived with any of them, so probably 15 years or so. Having someone move in was, well, it required an adjustment. Luckily we meshed pretty well. I love cooking, she hates it and is terrible, but is keen to keep a spotless house, so we fired my cleaner and got that sorted. More of an issue was nights to be honest. I snore like a dying warthog with bronchitis, so there was a bit of to and fro and sleeping in separate rooms until she found some really good earplugs 😊
I'm in my 40s and I am so happy with myself. I make my own plans, set my own boundaries and the stress is so much less.
Why is it so hard for singles to partner up these days? I ask as a much-older observer. I don't think finding love has ever been easy, but it seems harder than ever now.
My theory is that life is generally easier to live on your own than perhaps ever before. People don't "have" to get together in order to survive or have a decent life as much as past generations. There is less stigma, too. So, I think the result is people are much less willing to compromise in anything or give up complete control of their life. A lot of relationships started out uncertain and rocky with lots of compromise and growing pains, people are less open to that today,I think.
Expectations in a partner are way higher than they have ever been at any point in human history. People seek out a partner that completes them existentially instead of just someone to ride through this short journey to death, who isn't an asshole and treats them nice and maybe helps raise some kids. There is your answer right there. Meanwhile... today in 2024 still nearly half of marriages globally are arranged. This is a western thing in particular rooted in individualism.
I think this is partially true, and also.... I'm starting to frequently see people with the mentality of "what do they bring to the table" when it comes to dating. I think it's such an unhealthy mentality to have. People shouldn't be viewed transactionally, relationships should never be based off of transaction. It shouldn't be what someone brings to a relationship, instead, it should be how well you connect with each other. The other workings can be sorted out down the road....
There's a 3 minute video on this concept. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvnE80C7c8o](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvnE80C7c8o) The part from 2:30 to 3:00 is the key point. >It shouldn't be what someone brings to a relationship, instead, it should be how well you connect with each other. I would even go further. It's not even about what **they** bring to the table, rather it's about what **you** bring to the table. This is part of why the whole approach of dating apps is so toxic - because the way they set up goals is backwards. They should be asking for what you think you provide, and leave it at that, allowing people to match their needs by looking at what others are providing. A healthy relationship is a place for you to share your gifts with a person who will deeply appreciate them. This is what ultimately makes them so fulfilling. It's not a place for you to take, it's a place for you to give, to someone who will receive those gifts.
I think this is certainly part of it. We lost a lot of community life which would meet a lot of needs we're now looking for a partner to fill. I think as a woman, we now also want more in a relationship than simply finding a man who will be a good provider. Emotional maturity, accountability, *regular maturity*, etc.. are qualities that are not particularly easy to find. Women are learning that relationships are often not equitable enough for them to feel driven to seek them. I won't even get into all the social programming we get about what love is or how to obtain it.
The internet has made us both more connected then ever but also more isolated. I think that has a big part of it. That and while it's not like it's impossible to have a date in the park or library, a lot of the traditional date spots, like say dinner and a movie, have become prohibitively expensive.
I’m in my early 40s and never had much luck in the relationship department. At this point I doubt I’ll ever be in a long term relationship. I’ve made my peace with that.
I feel sad and empty with underlying fear and shame. I married / divorced young, dated a lot of guys but never thought about marrying again. I traveled 90% for work for ~ 30 years, and never thought about the future. I’m retiring now, when I stopped traveling due to Covid i felt a sick shock that this is my life.
I'm 71 and have never found one.
In my late 20s I worried a lot. And dated like crazy. Most of them were wrong for me or just bad ppl but I didn't care I just wanted to be married. When time and again I went through break ups and went in my 30s and im still single, had I just taken it easy then and not been so worried to end up in the situation I'm in now I might not have been in this situationin the first place. I'm broken, exhausted from dating and my self esteem is shot being broken up so often and too late to find someone thst would match me and ended up depressed and hopeless thst it will ever happen for me. So no, I'm not scared anymore. My worst nightmare has realized itself. And FOR ME it's been worse than I imagined So don't let fear consume you
I’m 54 and my wife of 29 years died 3 months ago. I’m simultaneously scared I’ll be forever alone and that I’ll find someone else one day.
I’m so sorry for your loss that must be so disorienting among all the other things. Hope you’re ok.
I’m sorry to hear about your wife.
Thank you. Logically we knew one of us was going to die first, but we didn’t expect it to be so soon. If you’re married, tell your spouse you love them.
So sorry. Wishing you strength.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's early days yet. I would say (as someone living with their widowed mother of 2 years and seeing the process up close), don't rush into anything just to fill the gaps as that could backfire. Take the time to miss/mourn/grieve your wife and also, the life you had together. In whatever ways you need. And don't let anyone tell you how you should feel or how you should be acting or how soon or how late or how 'far along' you should or shouldn't be. Esp strangers on Reddit like me. XD
Haven't been a fear ever, I have been single almost most of my life and I don't regret it, most of the guys I liked were not good for me since I have a lot of trauma. I would like a partner but everyday I find it more difficult since most men I meet desire me but don't love me and that's not what I want and I won't settle for some dumb dude just to be with someone. So if it doesn't happen I'm ok with it.
Ten years ago, at 49, I fully expected to be alone forever, and I was fine with it. Nine years ago, I met the love of my life. Four years and five months ago, we got married. Four months later, he died. As lonely as I am, I don't FEAR that I won't find another partner; I KNOW it. I'm completely broken now. Can't go back to who I was ten years ago: back then, I didn't know what I was missing; now, I do.
My heart goes out to you. That is brutal. I am also still single (f) at 49, and that scenario has occurred to me as well- finding a permanent someone at this stage of life has its risks as well. What if I do find someone that I really can't live without, and then it's just a short time and I lose him? (or vice-versa; don't want to put anyone through that either) Watching my mother grieve the loss of my dad after 47 years has probably played into this fear. I am so sorry that you two did not have more time together. It is not fair or right and I don't think there are any words that alone will make it better. <3
Yep. We knew we wouldn't likely get 30 years, but given his family's longevity, we figured we had a good shot at 20. And we never even got to celebrate one anniversary. Hell, I didn't have time to get used to wearing a wedding ring! People who say "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" most definitely did NOT consider that scenario.
i think people need to be more open to partners that don’t fit their list of expectations. looks fade. personality matters.
Most people seem to be looking for perfection and when they can’t find it they give up. If you want a relationship with another person you’re going to have to settle and/or compromise on something.
yes. we all have flaws.
I think it's fine to have high expectations. My life is pretty awesome. I'm not looking for someone to sleep next to at night because I can't handle being alone. I would like that person to add to my awesome life. To be fair, I would like to do the same for the other person. I have had people interested in me who clearly just want to be with SOMEONE. I don't find it particularly flattering. If I don't find that, I'm completely fine with what I have going on.
Lol yeah personality matters, that's why I expect to be single forever and idgaf.
42 and basically accepted that I will be journeying my life on my own. No fear about it. I prefer single player games anyways :)
None at all. 38m, still single, still a virgin. To me it’ll come when it comes. If it doesn’t, then fine. Either way I’m content.
Fear? oh, hell no. relief maybe, but not fear. I've had several long term partners over the decades and my choice is to remain single. Some of us are natural loners. I am one of them.
I am in concurrence wholly with this comment.
Minimal. I expect to be single and move forward with that assumption. Anything else would be an unexpected outcome.
Approaching mid-30’s here. No fear here, don’t care if I get one or not. But as long as we are on the subject. I think I am not ready for the type of partner I would want. I would want someone who is organized, who can competently execute a variety of tasks with minimal to no hand-holding or supervision, has interests that do not bore me to listen about, can carry a conversation, shares the housework, likes living in a fiscally sensible lifestyle, has good control over their emotions and practices good self care. I am … not as good at these tasks as I should be (working on it though). And by the time I learn all of this stuff to match my new partner, my life will have improved so much that I won’t care about having one lol. Edit: added some words for clarification.
Good perspective! You can’t always count on perfect timing. That’s why staying positive with people while dating is so important. Miss wrong can become Mrs right when you are the one that changed! Don’t lose numbers and don’t burn bridges. Love everybody
I’m more worried that I WILL get lured into a relationship than that I won’t. I’m happy as can be on my own and a relationship would only get me off course from my goals and aspirations.
Oh it’s a big fear. It haunts me. I’m likely not gonna last long without a companion, I hate being alone, sleeping alone, awaking up alone… it’s gonna be the the thing that winds up being the end of me. I don’t want to grow much older without love. Hell, I’d even take just wing able to live with good friends again. However, they’re all coupled up and most of them have kids. So, that’s pretty much that. I’m an outcast. I’m fortunate that I’ve experienced love a few times, I know what it is and how it elevates me. Regrets haunt me. So, yay! ._.
Do you have a pet? I would feel incredibly lonely if I did not have my dog to sleep with and wake up to every morning. I know a dog cannot replace the love of another person but they make it easy to forget you are alone. As a bonus I have been walking 3-4 miles a day with mine, you meet a ton of people walking on popular trails or going to dog parks. Maybe you will walk by the person you are looking for someday
I have had the recurring nightmare where I found myself married - I am comfortable with my own company - and I am able to find the company of others when it so suits me. I have freedom, and I don't have to ask permission or coordinate if I want to go on some spur-of-the-moment adventure.
I am in my late twenties as well, and I don't fear it at all. Cause what can a long-term partner realistically give me that I already don't have?
I've always had a hard time with relationships, one of my biggest fears used to be that I'd die alone. I thought I met someone special, but I was wrong. I am no longer worried about dying alone.
None. Married twice. Divorced twice. Never been happier than when I'm by myself. You do not need another person to complete you and if you think you do, it's time to go to therapy.
I assume that it will never happen. The older you get means the older your potential partner gets and that becomes a problem.
I'm resigned to it. Granted, I have spent a lifetime avoiding anything to do with it, but even if I did a full 180° tomorrow and I opened myself up to the idea of love and relationships and such, I know what I'm about and I know what women are generally looking for, especially in their mid to late 30s like I am, and I'm sure nobody would be buying what I'm selling.
I fear there are thousands of us feeling this way but just unable to meet
I'm 38. Eventually you just accept it.
I lost my husband and am now suddenly single in my 40’s. I’m adjusting to being alone (with younger kids). I am ok being alone but sometimes get this panic realization I might never find someone to live the best years with. It’s so much better having a partner (as long as they are a good partner and bring you peace and comfort and love). It’s not really that different from being alone except you have someone to talk to and have sex with and it feels like you have someone in your corner for support.
In my 20s I was worried about it and couldn’t think of a worse fate. Now that I’m not too far from 40, I don’t really care. I feel like my last relationship kinda proved that relationships aren’t for me. I have a hard time picturing someone in my space all the time. Besides, none of my married friends are happily married. It all sounds rather miserable to me, tbh.
No fear of being alone forever, but would be nice to find the right man. In the meantime, i’m working on me and enjoying my own company. When you feel lonely, get through it alone and reflect on why you feel that way. Learn from that loneliness. Spend time w/ urself. Do things by yourself. Be happy with being by yourself. Smiling at people when you are out will maybe help meet them. You never know where you’ll meet someone, and i refuse to use apps.
Zero, I am married to a man who is emotionally and verbally abusive, financially too
I have one of these as well, I’m so sorry you’re suffering this as well, and I’m here to listen anytime you need a nonjudgmental shoulder!
I never worry about it. If it happens it happens. If not then thats fine too. I love being alone tbh. Its very relaxing.
34 here. I don't worry about it at all. I spent the entirety of my twenties in one relationshipand since that ended I have realized just how amazing it is to live alone. I feel like I am a complete person, and feel zero desperation to settle for someone who isnt absolutely everything I am looking for in a partner. If I don't meet that person, I'll be fine. If I do meet that person... Well I will cross that bridge if I ever get there. I like my life and the predictability/simplicity of it as things are. It would take a lot for me to be willing to shake things up.
A lot of fear. I didn't when I was younger, but I'm 35(f) now. Never been married, have no kids- no ex relationship baggage, or "trauma," and I've never been promiscuous. I've just always been solo. Never put myself out there... But getting older, my options are becoming limited pretty quickly. The fear is rising...
I'm single, but probably not who your question is meant for. I've have two 10+ year relationships. And now I'm not interested in doing that again at all. My only fear is affording housing on my own long term.
Unless one falls onto my lap I am done trying
I think it's a very strong possibility unless I'm willing to settle for an absolutely terrible person.
Already there . fact not fear .
Fear? I'm single, I'm happy. I have people in my life that I care about.
I'm over 50 now, and even when I was in my late 20's, it was a thing. I think it's much worse if you are female, want kids before 35, and that clock starts ticking louder and louder. If you meet someone, you have to date first, then get engaged, then married, and all those things take time. And your window for having kids in the traditional timeframe is getting smaller and smaller. I'm remembering that feeling just typing this. Even subtle other things...your friends are married and talking about babies, and you don't even have a partner yet. Then they start having babies at the same time, and suddenly you're the odd one out of a group of friends you've had for over 10 years. Eventually you move on, you make new friends, your old friends make a token effort, but it's just all hard and painful. Then there are the 'we're so sorry you can't find anyone' looks from family. And people offering to set you up with their neighbors 40 year old son who still lives in their basement and works gig jobs. The number of single females in your life...its strange. The majority of them are childfree by choice, and you can't really relate to that. Some try to understand what you are feeling, others can't relate to wanting children. My 30's were absolutely the hardest of my life. If I'm very honest, if I had it to do over again, I'd probably settle for someone who was not my great love, but who would give me a traditional, stable, happy life. I'd make finding someone who also wanted to get married and have children soon a priority. I definitely wouldn't count on things falling into place 'once I was happy being alone and not even looking'. And I'd put a timeline on how long I was willing to look for a partner before becoming a single Mom. Biggest regret of my life, and I often encourage women in their 20's that 100% know they want kids to making finding a good partner a priority. Hindsight, 20/20, checking in.
You know what? Maybe I’ve been bad at picking but all the partners I’ve had so far were not right for me long term. Life is an adventure. Maybe I have a few more LTR, maybe I don’t. First step to being well with others is being well with yourself though. And I am content with myself. I am also content to wait for the right one who suits me at my current stage in life rather than jumping for whoever expresses interest like I did in my twenties and teens.
No I'm not worried. I'm a happily single 29 year old female, have ruled out marriage and ever living with another adult again.
Yeah I do worry about it tbh. I’m 30M and I feel like my time is running out. I don’t really have my life together and I don’t plan on having kids, so it’s kinda freaking me out.
I'm mostly used to the idea. I had one long relationship that didn't work out... I think that was my one shot. Since it's gone now, I think this is it.
*i have never worried that i would not find another long term partner. In fact, this thought is reassuring. But i worry that this realization felt uneasy in my body for too long*
No fear!! I invest in being healthy and having healthy relationships with my family, friends and community! I KNOW I’m a blessing in the lives I touch 🥰🎉
Fear?? ...next to none if at all. Sadness? A fuck load. Feelings of other? ..varies. sometimes by day.
People are too worried these days about people using them or after their money. This prevents people from connecting.
Meditate and self-inquire instead. You will find everything you need there. If a partner comes along after that you will never remain with them out of fear and that is freedom
I know how to meditate, but how do you self-inquire?
Ask yourself who you really are
Almost 12 years without anyone here. First it was panic, then after several more years it was just fear, now it's becoming acceptance. I've learned that I do not have the energy and emotional resilience to navigate the battle of trying to convince people I'm worthwhile, while simultaneously trying to figure out if they are. Relationships have been few and far between for me for a reason, just took me almost 50 years to learn. I managed to be married once and became a dad, for which I'm thankful. Now I'm trying to undo a lifetime of thinking I'm a failure if I don't have someone, so that I can find some semblance of joy in the latter part of life.
At 52, a lot in finding a healthy person with the same goals as me.
late 30s and worried
Nah. I treasure my alone time. My ideal situation would be a casual regular thing with someone who feels the same, just needs an occasional date or cuddle buddy.
Not worried at all. I'm 54, have been in relationships but am currently single. I don't need a partner to give my life meaning or happiness - partners have only added to it in the past. A facet of maturing is becoming independent, and knowing you're enough. I'm much happier single than with the wrong partner (this includes perfectly ok people, but being with them due to fear of singledom)
I am 45. And I worry about it a lot.
I'm 41, never been married, and at this point I think it's just something that's not in the cards for me. I'm torn on it. The feeling of having nobody who loves me sucks. Being loved is a great feeling. Someone to cuddle and spend time with. But the thought of someone that I'd have to run every decision by and be entangled with financially really isn't appealing. I'm afraid of being really utterly alone soon though. I see my parents together and helping each other out in their old age and I don't think that's something I'm going to have.
Fear? Try hopelessness. And at 49, I've now been single most of my life at this point. I'm just glad I got the relationships that I did, which were around 5 years worth with 5 different women. I haven't dated or been intimate with a woman in 11 years.
34 and am starting to realize it’s a reality. I love being alone but I hate thinking I might not find my person
I was married for 22 years when she up and left. It's going to take a hell of a woman to earn my trust again. Been divorced 4 years. It's not looking promising.
Oh this made me really want to laugh hard! I've been married (long term) and I am SO much happier being single. I'm now 53, been single for just over a decade and I am never going to look for another partner again.
No fear, partnership is bonus content. I am not satisfied with Life: The Base Game, but honestly I already have too many xpacs, like American Healthcare Anxiety and Mindless Doomscrolling, so I really don't have time for the partnership DLC right now. Before I bother with any of that I'm gonna need to upgrade my career and invest some additional skill points into leveling up my physical health. My current side quest situation is pretty cluttered, but I'm working on some hobbies anyway, because life should be enjoyed. I'm not fulfilled, but I am overwhelmed, y'know?
Reading these comments, have people given up on love? I’m hoping so. I can’t wait to find my person and build a life together. I can’t imagine rationalizing that staying single is the move.
I'm not single, but I came here to say that I met my partner when they were 33 and single, never having been in a serious relationship. We've been together for almost 16 years now. For those of you who are worried, there's hope ❤️
None. Men are trash (and no, not all, I know) and I just don’t care.
Been single for 10 years now, oncologist says I won't be single for much longer.
I'm in my late 30s and going through a divorce from a cheating wife. I'm very scared I was with her for 10 years. I'm learning how to be alone all over again. I'll no longer have anyone to share special moments and memories with. I won't have anyone watching my back and helping me if I get too sick or injured to take care of myself. And I'm absolutely terrified that I won't be able to open up again and trust enough to allow someone in who deserves to be included in my life
I am not worried at all. I like my own company and I live with my sis, so there's no power play or issues. I do what I want when I want. And I have toys and porn for the rest.
When I was in my late 20s, I thought I would never meet my significant other. I was wrong. We met at a company gym. Later ran into each other at a grocery store. Been together for 28 years.
I'm not worried at all. I'll be 45 soon. I have amazing friends and family, a job I enjoy with a good pension, my own home, fulfilling hobbies, and all the freedom in the world. I live a simple, full life on my own. That doesn't mean I don't get lonely and I have struggled with anxiety for years, but I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I'm not for everybody but some people just love me. I have no reason to believe that love won't happen again.
I have to fear or worry. However, I recognize that it’s increasingly likely that will be my fate.
No fear at all. I do have good friends.
I am happily single and if that's forever so be it. I'm not entirely dismissing the possibility of finding the right person, I just think it's improbable given my location.
I’m 39. Divorced. Mother of 2. I thought I found someone but that’s not happening. I don’t miss my ex husband but I do miss being married. I really hope I can find someone.
No worries at all, we all die alone.
None whatsoever. I’ve been married twice and did a live-in stint before that. It is so much nicer to just sleep alone without having to put up with someone else’s snoring or whatever nocturnal things they have going on. Also, personality stuff. Or in-laws. Or their insufferable kids that you end up with because babymama is too busy getting plastic surgery to be a mom. Just no.
I wasn't at all afraid when I was in my 20s. It's always been easy for me to meet people, have little adventures. Around my mid-30s tho, still not having found my person, I started to worry. One day I thought to myself that maybe I hadn't found my person because I was never actually actively trying to. So, I gave myself a goal: I would have 100 dates where I try. I would go out with people with the express idea that I'm looking for my forever person. My hope was, that all 100 dates would be just one person. I'm now at 84 dates. Those dates were with 18 different people. I gave up hope like, 60 dates ago. But, I'll officially give up hope in 16 more. I have no doubt I'll have reached those 16 before this year is over.
Well, if you do you can always blow it and wind up single again in your 40s or 50s.
It's definitely there. I try not to think about it, or I guess I try to recognize it and understand why I feel that way but don't dwell on it. I'm spending more time looking at myself and trying to find out what I want in the long term instead. It is difficult to really focus on that sometimes but it does give me something to work towards. All in all it's about what is productive or worthwhile to focus my energy on, and worrying about something that is ultimately out of my control isn't worth it. I can focus on improving myself and being who I am and whatever happens happens
Fear? I'm counting on it. I'm probably on an extreme end of the spectrum but I think many people who are afraid of not having a long term partner are experiencing a bit of "grass is greener on the other side. You're also far more likely to get into toxic or mismatched relationships if you worry about finding a partner. Of all my friends and cousins, those that are in happy relationships are the ones who never really cared and all those that wanted to get married are now divorced or miserable.
Most of the time, no fear at all. It’s only when I’m having a really tough time, feeling extra emotional or lonely, that I get sad and afraid. As soon as I can think objectively again, I realize I want a unicorn and would rather be single forever than settle for a horse. With that said, I’m currently raising a puppy, and cursing my singleness to the heavens because I’m so tired of, well, everything involved with raising a puppy. 39F
I'm about to turn 25 and not worried about it at all but admittedly I am still young. I am not really actively trying and I'm sure if I tried harder, I could find someone
I worry about it. It’s a recurrent thought.
I don’t fear not finding anyone. I know there’s someone out there for me. But I fear at this rate, life has become so expensive where I live so I’m scared I will never have the time to date. I work 7 days a week now, just to get by. Morning to night. How am I support to meet someone this way? So yeah, in this sense, I’m worried. It’s more of a time issue for me.
I'm still in my 20s so i feel I have a lot of time to find one. I'm chilling
None
I’ll start worrying at 40
If I don’t take my pot belly in
I personally have no fear of that. I really am not about cleaning up after other ppl anymore. I’m also kind of done with ppl pleasing among many other things. Also, the thought of all the inevitable drama that comes with those types of relationships makes me feel nauseous.
I was married for 13 years then divorced when I was 40. I spent two years alone and didn’t care for it much. During that time I was lonely and feared the possibility of never finding someone. At the same time I knew options were few but also that I couldn’t settle for just anyone. There was one woman that was very into me but something just didn’t click so I ended that. Then a dear friend from work coincidentally got divorced and we spent time together for mutual support. We became inseparable, then deeply in love. We’ve been blissfully married for 8 years now. If I could find my perfect match at 42, I think there’s hope for most people at most ages.
Absolutely none. I’m 40, was married for 4 years and I am a lot happier now. I have no intention of being in a relationship again.
M64. I gave up 25 years ago. I guess I care but I know it’s not gonna happen. I don’t have what women want—mostly, money. I’m poor, despite having a huge amount of education. I’ve stopped caring. I’ve accepted my fate. it’s too late now anyway. I feel that my life has been a big waste. Not just for this reason. I never did anything good for anybody. My intelligent and kindness will go wasted. I really think some people are not fit to flourish in this world.
Not single but can relate. In my 20s, I felt like everyone, and I mean *everyone* was having it so much easier than me. I dated, but never anywhere near as much as my friends. I never had any long-term relationships...a couple weeks, max. The ache of loneliness was awful, just terrible, day in and day out. In my late 20s it only got slightly easier, and I was able to date for a few months at a stretch, with very long dry spells in between. I felt so behind my peers, and life felt so unfair. In my early 30s, I was really starting to despair, feeling like the window of opportunity for anything long-term had long-since passed. I thought life would be better if I could somehow turn off my hormones and my desire for companionship entirely, just resign myself to being a hermit. Eventually I guess a new level of maturity kicked in, and I just started working on myself, getting some therapy, making some changes in who I wanted to be, what my outlook on life was. Everything changed after that, for the better. Before I knew it, I was in a long-term relationship, still going after almost 20 years now. I should've made those personal changes sooner, but also I just needed to be patient. Some of us are late bloomers. Some of us have bad luck. No idea if your experience will be the same, I'm just saying I felt hopeless about romance at that age, too, but it's not necessarily how things are going to be forever.
I am mid 30s, I accepted that "long term" can be difficult. Life changes, people are allowed to change with it. To truly be in a long term or permanent relationship, requires mutual sacrifice and full trust in your partner. It can't be a rational decision because you think its right, its right now, its wrong later, and then what?
Not really. I don't fear what I don't understand. Romantic relationships for me don't make much sense. I just invest in myself, my family and friends. Plus romantic relationships for women are generally more dangerous so I don't see the benefit in it.
50M here. I’ve never had a relationship. I’ve been turned down by every woman I’ve ever asked. Yes, every one. I don’t try to date anymore as I have no experience and no skills. I’m perfectly happy being single. I try to be as optimistic as I can as a lot of people don’t feel the same way. I have money, I travel. I have great nieces and nephews and friends to spend time with.
Not very much honestly. I love my friend group and my kids. If my life continues like this, I would be fine. It’s peaceful.
I meant O.C.D.
Yeah... quite a lot of fear honestly
I’m not fearful I’m just sad. I’ve accepted the reality.
I’d rather be alone than be unhappy
It's not a fear anymore at this point. It's just becoming a deeper, more reserved type of sadness I carry way in the back of my mind. It will suck when I need care. I can't suffer about it now and then. So I'll do my best until then. See? Sad.
A lot. Enough that it probably affects my ability to find them.
I’m not worried about it. I have the rest of this year to achieve my childhood dreams and get my life together and my parents and I will commence my search for an arranged marriage early next year. I’m 32. I turn 33 next year. Focus on your own race!
None whatsoever 🤷♀️ I have tried it, even married once (ugh, never again 🙄) and it no longer appeals to me.
Never a priority for me, so no fear. I'm 65.
I was also worried about it in my late 20s, and it caused me a lot of mental anguish that I "dealt with" by drinking beer. Some medical complications forced that to stop, and then I simply had to come to grips with the fact that I'm probably just not partnerable. I'm completely unattractive physically in perhaps the worst way. I'm a dude who looks like a child at a glance but, like, an *old* child if you actually give more than a glance. John Mulaney had a bit about it. He says he gets older but he doesn't look older -- he just looks *worse*. Of course, he's six feet tall, in shape, and decently handsome, so he's fine. I... am not. My situation appeals to exactly no one. My only chance is to charm the pants off someone. The problem, however, is on top of being ugly as fuck I've also had social anxiety my whole life. Making friends was always a struggle and meeting women was happenstance rather than something I could pursue. True social anxiety (as opposed to just being shy) also manifests itself once a connection has been made, so *keeping* friends and girls around has *also* always been a struggle. Somewhere in my early 30s or so I just had to give up. I can't fucking compete with even the average dudes out there, and the shift from in-person to online made it even less likely for me to even have a chance. I can't focus on that, though, or the mental anguish will creep back in. I had to properly accept it. If something happens, so be it, but I can't expect it, or even really want it, because it just doesn't align with my reality.
I wouldn’t use the word fear.
Oh, about 💯 😶🌫️
No fear, but pretty confident I will not have a longterm/life partner. Some people don’t, it’s totally ok! Luckily I grew up with single aunts and uncles that completely normalized it for me.
It's not a fear exactly. A bit of regret, but light one at that, and it too may disappear. I'm happy to not have any kids too, because of the state of the world I'd be bringing them into.