While I can’t confirm if OP is lying or not . Hookups most definitely happen in residency. In fact two of my former coresidents are now engaged . All started with a hookup
One of our surgical subspecialties had two residents in the same year hook up, get into a relationship, get married. The program only has 2 residents per year lol. High risk maneuver. Anyways he went community and she went subspecialty fellowship, so they both have niche interests. They're happily graduated, married and killing it.
Right . I’m sure People hook up in residency all the time . I walked in on a rendezvous in a hot tub during a residents retreat once . My “big sib” who was a year ahead of me also hooked up with her senior when she was an intern . Had her heart broken because he had no interest in being anything other than fck buddies . So it definitely happens .
Put a bunch of young , sometimes attractive people together for 3+ years of residency , people are bound to have some fun with each other .
It’s not like we had much time to date other people who aren’t in medicine
My friend used to say the hookup part of greys anatomy is one of its most realistic parts. Idk about everywhere else but I know for a fact that many of my coresidents are hooking up.
Happens at almost any job. I remember working in an OR ward during high school, and a trauma surgeon and OB were caught banging atop of the pool table in the physician lounge. Ended up in the pool table being removed and a sternly worded email being sent out about maintaining professionalism in the workplace.
I would worry less about getting laid at this time and literally ignore him like your life depends on it. You need to get your mental health in order right away or residency WILL break you. You hear me? Work on yourself if you want to make it thru the rest of school because this behavior will cause you to self sabotage out of the program
I’d also say, you need to take control of the situation. If he contacts you again about sex, remain calm, lower the emotions, and state “while things happened, I’m past that. If you’d like to roll things back and try to be friends, I’m down, but otherwise this is a professional working relationship moving forward.”
Nothing crushes a males attitude then a woman metaphorically stomping on his balls and pride.
Wouldn't even suggest leaving friends as an option. He was never her friend and was just playing the long game. Now he just wants an f buddy to get through residency with WHILE HE IS DATING SOMEONE ELSE might I add.
She just as culpable in this mess, don't put all the blame on him.
He was shitty for what he did, but so was she for having slept with the dude given that she knew that he had a gf.
Now, moving past that, just tell him that the situation is too much of a distraction and that you need to reorient yourself and get back on track.
I.e set boundaries.
Are saying OP beat themselves up forever? Or see that interaction had its interaction and that was a moment in time? You know what depression is?
>Now moving past that, just tell him that the situation is too much of a distraction and that you need to reorient yourself and get back on track.
This, that was beautifully said.
lol definitely not "just as". The person in the relationship is always far more culpable than the person they sleep with. They're the one cheating after all.
I would just ghost him for anything that doesn’t pertain to residency and pretend like it didn’t happen. He doesn’t deserve an explanation, and you deserve to close this chapter
I’d just postpone, and incrementally kindly pull away with no more sex on the table. Give yourself time to craft appropriate non-emotional responses. Don’t respond to any text x24h unless patient related AND he can’t get the information from the chart.
Change your mindset. You used him for sex/attention, which is likely at least partially true given you knew he was emotionally unavailable. You may not like the choices you made but they *were* your choices. Don’t blame him for them. You just realized that’s not what you were looking for and hopefully he isn’t too bitter about being cut off from sex that he acts out. If he does, make a written record of things that cross the line / affect patient care through sabotage or otherwise.
If HR ever gets involved, you need to have a written record of quotes and objective actions to protect yourself.
Especially not regulating and getting help for the loneliness since every human has moments of it, don’t think whoever used you doesn’t struggle with loneliness- probably struggles with it the MOST!
But, takes strength and bravery to admit you got depression. That’s mood and you have to work on managing that.
This.
Get help - professional and programme if it becomes harassment and you can’t deal.
Have boundaries and be steadfast if you’re not down for a hook-up and won’t ever be. But work on self-respect and the depression and severe loneliness, by finding company but also addressing the fundamentals — by being ok with being on your own too. You won’t always be able to have people and medicine is a career where you have that more often than others.
This. And exactly why you gotta keep your boundaries with these creeps.
But OP also slept with someone KNOWING they had a partner. Soooooo there’s that.
The ultimate victim is the poor GF who is getting cheated on by her BF and this woman who had sex with him, knowing he had a GF
She wants sympathy for her depression and loneliness, while being 100% ok with causing that same depression and loneliness to another woman. Wild.
Edit:
Loving the responses from the people who condone and excuse cheating in their lives:
“SoMeHow YoU ShiFt **ALL** thE BlaMe tO hEr ☝️🤤”
I **clearly** included the BF in my first paragraph, and my second paragraph is because… OP is literally the topic of discussion who gave the lame excuse? If the POS BF logged on Reddit and gave the same excuse he cheats on his GF because he’s depressed too, he would also get the same criticism.
“Depression” isn’t an excuse for gladly hopping on dick and committing adultery and then being shocked that the same fuck-boy only wants you as a booty-call.
It’s mind blowing that I’m in a sub for literal doctors and have to actually state this next part too, but yes, the BF is **clearly** a huge asshole—arguably the biggest asshole here.
The bulk of the blame is on both of them. She knew just as much as he did, and she cared more about her own loneliness than respecting someone else's relationship.
It's not as if one had more sex than the other. They both got what they wanted at the expense of someone innocent.
>I’ve had people in relationships come on to me before and I’ve said no. But even if I said yes and something happened, ultimately it’s on them - the person in a relationship.
LMAO..Nope.
Well I didn’t know *depression* makes you sit on another woman’s boyfriend’s dick.
Must’ve missed that during psych lecture during med school 🤔
Also- OP is continuing to do it and seems to have no remorse. Seems indicative of *a lot* more mental health issues than depression. Even some personality disorders.
Edit- Even if depression does, it doesn’t excuse this behavior and there are a lot of people with depression who still choose not to do this.
And who knows what lies the guy told her to get her to go along.(I am breaking up with her... or similar) . In my mind he bears the most blame here.I am on the side, in this case of not berating the OP.It does seem, though that the OPs distress stems from her assuming there would be some sort of permanent relationship. Had she been of the mind set of pure casual sex, it wouldn't be (as much of) a problem. That assumption is perhaps the root mistake.
Obviously she has learned something. I feel for her. Residency is a massively stressful time and it is natural to look for some human kindness and caring to smooth over the very difficult times. I am pretty appalled at some of the comments that say "poor baby - blaming her actions on depression".. Perhaps they have never felt real depression. I have. It can make you do things that run against your real character, just looking for SOME RELIEF from the pain. You aspiring physicians who are saying this need to learn some empathy. You are supposed to have some empathy with your patients to be able to care for them. I see little empathy in these comments.
She now has added stress. I agree with a comment above - please get some help from a therapist. They can be the friend and the objective voice you need in very tough times. My therapist saw me through a very stressful period and was the voice of reason when I was considering doing some stupid things.
The double standards on this sub are wild sometimes. If OP was a guy saying "I banged this chick who had a boyfriend and now she won't speak to me, waaaah!!!" you know exactly what this comment section would be like. OP would have his ass split from one end to another. People would be calling him an asshole, home wrecker, doofus, etc.
But because it's a beautiful delicate grill posting, the comments are like "oh you poor thing, I'm sorry he mistreated so badly, I hope your mental health gets better, please see a counselor <3"
The craziest part to me is that you were surprised by this. Like you thought the guy who continuously hit on you while he had a girlfriend was going to treat you *well* after he got what he wanted? Why exactly? Bless your heart. If he'll treat her like shit, he'll treat you like shit. Don't forget it.
Why can’t juicy stuff like this happen at my program we never get any good tea. Closest thing we’ve had to entertaining drama is when one of the residents tried to bang one of the attendings at the Christmas party
Let's be little clear.U both used each other, probably because u got blinded because of solitude and depression .But u weren't really used. Don't let yourself fall into victim mindset. It's terrible place to be in
It was a mistake, terrible one, congratulations u realised
Now don't keep repeating that anymore . U didn't lose a friend, u just rediscovered truth about your co-resident, which u probably knew anyway.
Remind him shit person he is and tell him that u don't expect any personal attachment beyond professional attitude henceforth. Warn him that if he approaches u with cursory intentions, this story is straight up going to his girlfriend.
Also do something about loneliness, I know it's difficult in residency. But u are more likely to repeat same mistakes. Living without physical or emotional attention is not everyone's cup of tea
OP had sex with a man who she knew was in a relationship instead of saying “I don’t go for men with girlfriends” or “How would your girlfriend feel about you saying that?”
Ladies and gentlemen- if you say either phrase to someone in a relationship who’s flirting with you, they *will* stop. And then you won’t end up like OP. And nobody gets hurt.
And then also did the toxic thing of 100% blaming your mental health instead of taking responsibility for being a POS lol
God this is a good episode of Grey’s Anatomy
YES! Everyone is like “Poor baby sweetie! It’s ok that you cheated because you have DEPRESSION!”
Oh I didn’t know *depression* made you sit on another girlfriend’s boyfriend’s dick?
Must’ve missed that during psych in med school 🤔
She wants our sympathy for her depression and loneliness, while being 100% ok in helping cause depression and loneliness to the GF being cheated on.
Pretty wild one-way street.
I’m not gonna fault you entirely on this as you were vulnerable and sorts, but I do really think that you only feel guilty after figuring out that you are just a booty call to him and he won’t leave his girlfriend for you. Otherwise, you were perfectly fine sleeping with him MULTIPLE TIMES knowing he has a girlfriend. That’s why I don’t feel sorry for you or have sympathy for you. As they say “you reap what you sow.”
“I’m not gonna fault you entirely”
I will.
Sweetheart is surprised she’s just a booty call… after knowingly fucking a guy who would cheat on his gf with her…
She doesn’t even take responsibility—“my depression caused me to fuck him and help him cheat on his gf 🥺”
Both pretty shitty people imo
It’s a pretty common way of categorizing people and I’m surprised that you’re not more familiar with it. For example, most people would probably equate me to a bottle of The Macallan Fine & Rare 1926, 60-Year-Old.
You seem more like a Glenfiddich 15-Year-Old type of guy. Respectable, indeed, with a depth that suggests potential. It's a solid choice, reliable, but lacking the exquisite rarity that sets the truly exceptional apart. A good effort, well done, bravo!
As for the average Tufts medical student, they find their parallel in Old Crow - a choice that speaks volumes without uttering a single word. It's the kind of whiskey chosen not for its palate or prestige, but for its mere ability to intoxicate. It's harsh, unrefined, and while technically whiskey, it's as close to undrinkable as one can get without crossing into the realm of poison. This comparison is not to deride but to illustrate a stark reality in the hierarchy of talent and potential.
So yeah, that’s how many of us routinely describe humans. Maybe it’s more of an Ivy thing. Nothing wrong with being a Glenfiddich, not everyone can be a rare vintage, and there is a certain dignity in accepting one's position in the spectrum of alcoholic excellence.
Cheers!
Can I ask you a question pertaining to the last part.
I have met people that shit on cheaters and talk about how they are the worst people, but then if one of their friends does it, they are still friends and don't really lay the same amount of heat as they do of others who aren't their friends.
It happened with some people that I know. Friend's roomate/really good friend was in a NP program. Cheated with a guy that was married and got caught. I want to say that she lost a lot of friends who were in the same program because of it, but her close friends, and the roommate, continued being friends, but still had a talk with her.
But the thing is, our mutual friend was someone that thought cheaters were terrible people, yet, she is still friends with them but will shit on others who have cheated.
So the question is, would you be willing to look at your friends in the same light and call them shitty people and stop being friends with them?
I’m sorry you’re feeling all of this OP. And am glad you’ve acknowledged your mistake.
As others have said, please don’t entertain him anymore. You feel you’ve lost a friend. But the fact that he kept making moves for months till you gave in and cheated on his girlfriend shows he was a not so good person to begin with. (Not absolving you of the blame here. But at least you’ve shown regret unlike him).
And finally, I agree with you. Residency is lonely. And depressing. But there are ways to help with that. Go to hangouts, meetups, book clubs etc and use dating apps. In my opinion, they do feel inauthentic at first. But lead to great experiences and eventually good friendships.
You were never his friend and always a romantic interest. He was nice to you because he wanted something from you. Now that he’s getting it, he doesn’t need to put in more effort. And yes, he is using you.
Now that doesn’t absolve you from the fact that you had sex with a taken guy. You helped him cheat. How would you feel if you were on the other side of this? Take this as a lesson and maybe let his girlfriend know. Dump his ass and work on yourself for awhile. Find other outputs to help the loneliness or you’ll find yourself in a similar situation later down the road
only way to make it through residency without feeling burdened by this is to have a conversation with him so you two can be on the same page and put it behind you. ask him to have a quick conversation for the sake of being cordial and professional co-residents moving forward. if he doesn't have an interest in having a convo, that's fine. anything you lose by speaking your truth isn't a loss.
if he cheated with you, he's going to cheat again and has probably cheated in the past. yes you made a horrible decision, but all you can do now is forgive yourself and learn from the experience and trust that karma will do its thing with him soon enough.
You knew he had a girlfriend but still slept with him? Shame on him and shame on you. Cheating is not cool.
You deserve this and I hope his poor girlfriend finds out and dumps his sorry ass.
Listen, no need to kick a person when they’re down. I don’t condone the behavior as I was cheated on by my long term bf,but residency is hard and lonelier for some more than others. So watch yourself on the high horse there…don’t be quick to judge…
It’s called dating apps and finding one of the hundreds of thousands of men who don’t have a girlfriend or wife.
OP clearly doesn’t feel bad about her behavior since she’s continuing to cheat with him.
yep if a shallow fuck is how she wants to cope with loneliness and depression she can attain that via a free app within minutes while sitting on the crapper. Instead she knowingly chose to homewreck, with a coresident of all people. Not an ounce of sympathy for me, clearly a FAFO situation
Yeah buddy, I'll absolutely be quick to judge cheaters. All you people up voting this crap have lost my respect too. Cheaters. Suck. Stop apologizing for them. Do I hate OP or wish to sya cruel things to them? No. But they absolutely suck and I will absolutely judge them and I'll absolutely kick them when they're down if I choose to. Call it a high horse all you want. I'm not a cheater and I don't make excuses for cheaters.
OP is upset that she got rejected by the cheater. She was completely OK, despite her sympathy baiting ("I feel used." Yeah imagine how the gf feels), to sleep with the guy despite his relationship. It's only once she realized that he wasn't gonna leave the gf for her and that he considered her second fiddle that she regretted it. Almost gauranteed she would have been fine stealing him away from her if he was willing to leave the gf for her.
Being on a high horse for thinking it’s kinda shitty for someone to knowingly sleep with someone multiple times who is already in a relationship?
Residency is tough. But it doesn’t make me want to fuck people who are taken.
We can offer supportive advice to those struggling while also calling out certain unacceptable behaviors.
Just hope and pray he doesn’t tell and no one else finds out in your residency. My immediate thought is yikes! If this leaks out to anyone in your residency your reputation is shot to shreds.
Exactly. That’s why I said hope and pray. Sounds like OP is an intern. Can’t imagine rounding with my attendings knowing they know I have zero qualms about sleeping with men who are in a relationship. RIP 🪦 OP’s reputation.
Own your mistakes, take responsibility for your actions
Get help for your depression.
Take your next steps better and wiser than before
Simple, yes. Difficult , maybe. Ultimately necessary to find inner peace.
was cheated on by my long term boyf with an intern who he only met for a few months. The trauma is still lingering. Being cheated on, no, the term would be BETRAYED, is a different kind of pain. It makes you question your choices. What did I do wrong that he had to do that? I faulted myself at first. And yes, I was diagnosed with depression. I even drank meds to save myself from going downhill. It was hard to survive everyday, go on duty everyday. Especially when you work at the same hospital. How my hands trembled when I saw the girl with the audacity to walk through the corridor without shame. I barely survived months of having only literally an hour of sleep, no appetite to sustain myself physically; all these while I was concealing how hurt I was and stopped myself from crying during duty hours. I felt like I was in an endless pit full of darkness and anger and loneliness. So if you ever thought that being part of a betrayal is something that can be justified by being lonely and depressed, then you better check your values. This goes for everyone who might read this, please, if you are not happy with your relationship, just leave. And for women out there, it is never selfish for wanting to be loved. But is it really worth the guilt knowing that you have also caused someone pain?
OP, let it go. This is just the initial shock. You'll feel bad for a while but you are going to find someone else better than this son of a bitch. He probably sensed your vulnerability and took it before you realized what was happening.
This is part of the dating game that many went through, residency or not. Lesson learned and you'll be happy with the next better guy you are going out with. Your patients will appreciate your mental strength passing this stage of residency. I wish you the best.
OP, this doesn’t seem to be popular consensus here, but I think you realized that you made a mistake and for that, you deserve grace. Guilt is a part of making mistakes and encourages better future behavior, but with depression it spirals out of control and becomes much more like shame over who we are. Don’t let that happen. Recognize that you hurt someone else as well as yourself, but you can only be responsible for yourself moving forward. You are not a “shitty person” as others have suggested here. Life is complicated, and the shitty people are ones who refuse to learn from their mistakes. Please get help for your mental health. While I’m sure it contributed to your decisions, it can be addressed, and thus, it is your responsibility to yourself and others to do so.
You live and learn… but if one day you catch your bf having sex with someone else, you don’t have the right to get mad lol decisions come with consequences
you need therapy and proactive measures to combat lonliness which many people are already suffering from. go outside meet new people, try something new. I think everyone has said whats on their mind from your post. you need to do some root cause analysis on what led you to this point and establish boundaries with coworkers asap.
He sounds like an AH. People get together in residency all the time so I don’t think it’s that unheard of. Ignore him and go on with your life. Be professional. But ignore him.
He fucked you! In every meaning of the word. But don’t give him that power over yourself!!! A few things that have pulled me over deep depresion after being dumped by the, then current, love of my life are
1. Happy songs! The kind that make you feel like “fuck yeah”
2. Motivational podcasts (for me was the kind that pretend to be my own self inner voice talking to me)
3. People. If you dont have anyone, then find it. Put some effort into learning about what people tell you about themselves and ask at a later time how things are going. Try and make meaningful connections.
4. Nature, go out, walk.
5. This is really hard, but dont hold a grudge. Let him go and wish him the best. I have learned life gives you what you hold inside, so if you keep anger… things hardly will seem better.
6. Train/force your brain to (even forcefully) keep positive. It makes such a difference.
Best of luck!
Yeah, you had my full support and sympathies until I read your comments. You really don’t give a shit what you did to the other gf’s relationship.
In that case you can go fuck yourself - and I really don’t give a damn about what you’re doing through. I can’t bring myself to care about others who clearly dont even care about the consequences of their actions.
Your actions may be a result of depression/loneliness/mental health. But your responses show the selfishness and show your true character. You really don’t care about what you did - you just care that it didn’t go the way you planned.
Fuck off. It’s not about mental health. You legitimately sound like an unpleasant person.
You are wonderful and intelligent and you know what, I hope the sex was really good. There are many attractive people and wonderful people that are going to come into your life! You made it to residency and you will thrive and survive. It's ok to lose a friend, there will be many more 💖
He was never your friend or had the intention to be. He was just trying to have sex with you and that’s the covert way of shooting the shot. Bided his time, being manipulative, deceitful and the moment you realise that, the sooner you won’t be negatively affected by the situation.
Learn from it and move on somewhat wiser
1. Get an antidepressant.
2. Think of it the way he's thinking of it...it was just a good time.
3. If he loved his girlfriend it wouldn't have happened, so everyone trying to shame her, don't. He's not married and I don't know who told yall relationships are marriage but they aren't.
4. You got what you needed from him, now pick yourself up and move on. Ghost him for as long as you need to and put yourself first. This is one of those times youre gonna have to process as a male. Which is almost certain to make him come for you more. But this way you have the upper hand.
5. I never slept with anyone without thinking about the aftermath, helps you avoid a lot of situations. If you would care afterwards, it's not a good idea.
I'm so sorry you went through this :( He sounds like a total jerk, especially if he cheated on his gf! You are not to blame at all, it's absolutely normal to feel lonely and depressed especially during residency and during the winter! You did nothing wrong for wanting to be physically and (potentially) emotionally close with someone. He did everything wrong for cheating on his gf and using you. Guys just suck a lot and that's not your fault at all.
And I know this may be a hot take, but ignore the people that are telling you to "get over it" or "just focus on your residency". If it were that easy, there would be no such thing as heartbreak. And I guarantee you people telling you to "just move on" would struggle just the same if they were in your position. Do not minimize your feelings. Do not pretend you're fine. You experienced a hurtful and somewhat traumatic thing and you have to accept that. Do not let the fact that you are fully feeling your feelings during this emotional experience make you think that you don't have enough grit for the game. You clearly do have enough grit because you are most likely killing your residency and you will continue to kill it! But that's the point: give yourself time to heal and show yourself lots of self love, but keep going. You have to keep showing up during residency and you have to keep being a boss. Channel your frustration toward being better than him during residency. Idk if your residency has a lot of competition or politics going on, but use that energy to demolish him. Just be better than him because you are better than him and he is a piece of garbage for what he did to you. Remind him of that every day by being one of the strongest, fastest and hottest residents in your program. Picture yourself being his chief resident in your final year and work toward that goal. Let him know just how much better than him you always were and always will be. And to quote Pam from the Office (lol) "sometimes it's not about who you've been with, it's about who you end up with". You're going to end up with someone balanced, kind and stable. Whether it's during your residency or after!
Are you on any dating apps or do you ever use your true one day off a month to go read at a coffee shop? Sometimes it's nice just to put yourself out there to see how many amazing guys are around you! You just have to look beyond the hospital ;) Also, force yourself to make time for exercise, eating well and treating yourself to the most expensive drink on the Starbucks menu every now and then. You're a rockstar, don't let this break you.
We all make mistakes and do things we regret. Yes it was wrong to sleep with someone you knew was in a relationship. Beating yourself up over it now isn’t going to be productive. Obviously if you haven’t already you need to cut things off with him now and just keep it to a professional relationship. Yes it may be awkward but that will fade over time.
More importantly though—are you getting any treatment/counseling for your depression?
Not all mistakes are equivalent. This isn’t like accidentally cutting someone off in traffic. Cheating is severe. You won’t learn not to be a disappointment / moral failure of a person if you don’t perseverate on your guilt for a good length of time.
"You won’t learn not to be a disappointment / moral failure of a person if you don’t perseverate on your guilt for a good length of time.".
This is the worst advice I have ever read on this topic and entirely untrue and I'm a psychiatrist. OP absolutely made a garbage choice and did so in a moment of vulnerability, but perseverance on guilt is how residents kill themselves and y'all need to stop.
When did I say all mistakes are equivalent? OP is clearly already deeply ashamed of this and nothing in their post indicates they are trying to justify or defend their actions. Some amount of guilt can be healthy/appropriate, yes, but it can also become toxic and counterproductive. OP came here for guidance and continuing to berate them isn't helpful in my opinion.
The post laments feeling used and like they lost a friend. The post does NOT lament the destruction of another persons security and relationship through their actions. OP did not come here for guidance to navigate their guilt for hurting another person.
This person does not feel guilty enough and deserves a healthy bit more beratement, frankly.
We all make mistakes. Try not to torture yourself. Residency will pass, you will become happier. You may benefit from a little medical treatment. Good luck, hang in there.
I think starting therapy, reaching out to trusted friends/family and/or trying to make new a friend /friend group are good places to start. You aren't the only person to make a mistake like this, and people aren't defined by their mistakes. Cutting of this douche is also a good idea.
It's understandable that you're experiencing a tough time right now. Feeling regret and loneliness after recognizing a mistake is a common reaction. It's important to take responsibility for your actions and learn from them to avoid repeating similar situations in the future. Prioritizing your well-being at this moment is crucial, and seeking counseling or therapy could be beneficial in navigating through this challenging time.
Honestly, considering the title “biggest mistake of my life”, I expected significantly worse consequences. You got off very lightly. The rest of the issues are yours to fix.
Get a therapist and see a professional.
Friends with Benefits. Nobody should care. You’re spending too much time fighting focusing on this. You two used each other. Go focus on your residency and when you’re in need and can’t find someone else call him again.
You need to step back for a lot of self reflection here. Feeling vulnerable and lonely are normal. Having those feelings during residency is absolutely par for the course. Commiserating with fellow residents can be helpful because trauma bonding is a real thing.
HOWEVER, seeking out emotional support through emotionally unavailable men and then claiming to have been done wrong when it was a literal forgone conclusion(seriously, how many rom coms?)needs some reflection. Is this a pattern? I'M NOT EXCUSING THE GUY, but you knew he had a girlfriend. He wasn't hiding it, apparently. This isn't going to hurt him one little bit. You, OTOH, could really get burned if this becomes something you do or are doing. Why did I point this out? I have seen SO MANY women do this over the years. I hope you find a way to ease your loneliness in a healthier and less self-destructive way. Good luck!
Everyone is so fascinated with judging and blaming. We’ve all made mistakes and OP is admitting that she made a mistake. That’s step one. Step two is to stop making the same mistake. Step three is to learn from it. Begin by forgiving yourself and your friend. Now be firm with your discussion with him and with what’s going to happen moving forward. Is there anything else that you can do to undo the damage that has happened? Perhaps more discussion with your friend, mentor, priest, etc? Definitely some counseling seems in order here. I’m sure that you are a good person and just used bad judgment. It happens. Move forward and use this experience to improve. Best wishes to you.
Buck up, tell him to piss off, move on, and don't sleep with people that you work with or people in relationships.
You deserve better! But I know how tempting it is, OP. We spend so much time with our co-workers in training and wires can get crossed.
Truthfully, try to build your own support system. People that you can speak to that you trust. Don’t make your goal to confide in every person and treat them as a therapist. Try finding people with similar interest to build acquaintances that make your life feel less lonely. At the end of the day we are all alone no matter what and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It’s all on how you interpret it. You made a mistake! Acknowledge it and try to reconcile the parts of yourself that you feel like you’ve lost. If you want to tell his girlfriend, you can. It will invite a moment of unnecessary but necessary drama but don’t shy away from conflict in order to create a better version of your life. A lot of people don’t recognize this but sex can be a form of self harm. Try to talk to free counselors or retain a therapist that you deem acceptable and try to work through your own issues. You’ll only be able to heal once you acknowledge where you went wrong and what you can do better from now on. If he was coming on to you while having a girlfriend or partner, he was never going to be yours. That doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or him. You’re not disgusting or terrible or awful you just are lost and lonely and have nobody to help you so you’re giving in to your worst vices. If you have self destructive tendencies, figure out why that is. Enjoy the time you have with yourself to learn everything about you and enjoy the ugly and beautiful parts while trying to become the best version of you. Again, truthfully, he was probably never your friend in the way you were hoping for. He probably thought he was your friend but dont trust others over your own instincts. You slept with him because you were feeling low and gave in to the sexual advances… that doesn’t mean you’re going to be that kind of person forever. You’re already remorseful and wanting advice to be better and do better. It’s up to you to take action and build and trust your own intuition to make better decisions. I’ve been the partner getting cheated on in your scenario and there’s a version of you running around with him happy thinking they won. Don’t seek male validation, you are enough. You have to know that yourself though, nobody can force you to do anything. Walk with your head high when you can and know when to admit your faults when necessary. Try finding friends that don’t push you for sexual activities, if they’re trying you then they’re trying your boundaries. Try finding people that can meet you where you are and grow with you. Everyone you meet won’t be your friend but they can help you to be less lonely, to make more informed decisions and not sleep with the neighbors who are in relationships but want to use you for momentary gratification (hopefully). In a way, you used him too. You wanted to escape the loneliness and depression that you don’t have the proper tools to combat and thought sex would be solace in your abyss. Sex is not the solution. You are the solution and don’t have to have sex with someone for them to stay or be your friend or be nice to you. People can love you as you are. you just have to learn how to be you and who you are and how to take care of yourself. How you get over this is by focusing on you without centering men, sex, or others over discovering yourself. Maybe I have an unpopular opinion but idgas that’s usually how it is for me in life. Just want to let you know that you can do better despite the mistakes you’ve made.
The biggest lesson in this isn’t to avoid sleeping with coworkers, it’s that cheaters are shitty people, and they’re not going to change for you.
You *knew* he had a girlfriend, and was willing to sleep with you anyway - that’s a red flag if ever there was one. Now he’s just continuing to act in kind with his nature.
You’re not blameless here either - choosing to sleep with someone who you know is in a relationship is pretty shitty, too. You need to accept that responsibility.
All that said, depression can make you do some wild things that wouldn’t cross your mind if you were in a more stable place. This is a great opportunity to recognize that depression is seriously impacting you, and get some help. Get a therapist, get on medication (or more/different medication if you’re already on something), and get yourself well before you think about getting into a relationship with anyone else, co-resident or no. Also make sure they’re single first.
Oh God girl noooo you broke the one and only rule! Don't shit where you eat!! Also don't bother with a resident or doctor unless they marry you. Otherwise they'll just waste your time and he's got a gf so.... yeah just act like it never happened. He will pretend too because he knows he has a girl.
This happens to all of us ladies. Not in residency but was used by a guy with a girlfriend like this too that I had no idea when we first got together even had a gf. Once I found out he had a gf, he begged me to still see him and then he insulted me and told me he doesn't give af about me. He's a total douchebag. I live in front of the cafe he owns. It's awful. I fought so much self-loathing like I wasn't good enough but really, you need to block him and talk to a therapist so you can deal with the way you've been dehumanized as just a sex object by another human. P
i‘d say do some mental work to change the way you view that situation. remind yourself you did that 100% willingly, so in a way you also used him for sex. the fact that he stopped being your friend afterward only speaks badly about him, not you. and finally, face the fact that you messed up, you helped another man cheat. if you want to come clean, inform the girlfriend about it if she doesn’t already know. that’s the least you can do. then onward.
That co-resident had a girlfriend and you knew, but you still fucked him multipe times. What did you think was gonna happen? That he was gonna break up with his girl? People make mistakes IK, but you're still a massive douchebag. Go get some help.
I feel sorry for the girlfriend. I doubt she knows what's going on.
Don’t shit where you eat, folks.
Sorry that he used you (that’s what it sounds like).
Please seek professional help for your depression, I am wishing you the best.
My comment is going to come across harsh but just going to give a straightforward assessment imo
You guys are both assholes. He’s an asshole because he seemingly just wanted to hook up with you and wasn’t truly a real friend. He sounds like a piece of shit and you probably overlooked those characteristics because he is either charming or attractive or both.
You’re an asshole for hooking up with someone knowingly that they were in a relationship. Depression/loneliness is a reason for why things happened but it doesn’t excuse your behavior or poor decision making
Move on and work on yourself - meanwhile keep the contact with him to a minimum besides a professional working capacity.
Best of luck to you and I hope you get the help you need.
First understand your worth as a girl. You deserve to be loved, committed to. You can only be treated like a queen! Never accept anything less. Since he has treated you badly, as someone to f*** with when he wants. It shows how little you think of yourself that you accepted this. You have to understand what your worth is. How little this is what he gave you. Why he gave you only that much. And reflect on why you accepted this.
You should only accept single, available guys who want to date you seriously and treat you very well! There are many such guys who are looking for a girl exactly like you! You are a resident, young, probably pretty and you can get a guy who will cherish you as very special and also sleep with you!
You can choose whether you want such a guy! Change your position!
Ask yourself why you put yourself in this position and be honest about how low your self esteem has been to accept this. And then build up your self esteem!
While doing this inner work
1. Ignore him and be very cold, if he messages or calls you, don’t force yourself to answer. Feel free to ignore or be cold/ snarky
2. Get a life outside of this! Work out, focus on studying, get on Meet up apps and make some friends. Go out with a sweet guy. Meet old friends! Do things that you know will make you happy. Treat it like a break up and move on
3. Never sleep with someone unless they are single available and very much interested in a relationship with you! Once you have emotionally healed and you feel “safe” with a guy, feel free to go wild with that safe guy!
4. It’s not about him, it’s about you and what you do with your life. You want to be a crying girl who cries over someone who fucked her or you want to be a queen, star resident, someone who has everything together and is shining? If you be the second type of girl he’s gonna come back moping and begging u for attention. Focus on yourself queen
You need to look at this from a different perspective.
I am a nurse.
It could have been much worse. You could've had a relationship with the patient, and that would have ruined your life personally and professionally.
I don't know what residency program you belong to, but think about your sickest patient – you could have been this person, and that will certainly give you something to worry about, especially if this person as chronic, or terminal illness.
Tell no one at work about this.
You don't have to be rude to this person. Just say you cannot do it anymore, when he tries to get in touch with you.
Be professional, be levelheaded, be polite – when you have to deal with him. Like I said, it is much easier said than done.
Best wishes to you.
This note was created with Dragon Medical, a voice recognition software. Occasional incorrect words may have occurred due to the inherent limitations.
I think one thing you may be missing (the following is based on my own experience) is that most men fundamentally view sex differently than women. It can have absolutely no emotional attachment for them. It’s like exercise - just part of a healthy active lifestyle. I’m sure if you told him how you feel you guys could reach a point of understanding together…sounds like you mistakenly let on that you were open to casual sex and he is too obtuse to realize it would hurt your feelings to only reach out for that like he’s ordering DoorDash. Just communicate!
Bruh. Why are people posting about mental health.
1) She slept with him multiple times, so it wasn’t a one and done deal.
2) She knows he has a girl. Obvious that she doesn’t owe the other woman loyalty but girl code???
3) If he was consistently flirting with you knew what he wanted and you mention you turned him down quite a few times before. You didn’t lose anything, you both were friends with benefits.
Am I missing anything?
Even if you dated, you could have broken up and then still be in a similar situation. This is why I won’t sleep with a guy until there is a ring on my finger. I feel your pain and don’t think you need any lashings. It’s these damn men that are the problem. They just want hoes and no commitment. Reality check is most women can’t handle the hoeing but we stupidly fall for it because we are lonely and it’s to not have a family.
Hugs and take care of yourself. Maybe get a bunny or kitten? They can at least cuddle and won’t leave you.
I think it was better this happened sooner rather than later, means he never wanted to be a real friend. Focus on friendships that are real and get the upper hand by being the one to use him for a booty call when/if you want lol
it’s so interesting how the rejected party will contort things to make it, so they still appear advantageous even to pure strangers. You said multiple times in the comments that you just wanted to be friends and that’s just not true, you don’t fuck your friends. You also fucked ‘your friend’ multiple times, which made you complicit as an affair partner. **You tried to take that woman’s boyfriend thinking that you had the one up on her** because you’re also physician, spend an ungodly amount of time with co-resident and probably assumed that you were a better match. But you were wrong.
Really you showed that you have no morals & probably created a negative reputation for yourself within your hospital system, if this hasn’t already gotten out. The only noble or redeeming thing you can do now in this situation is tell the girlfriend, but I really think you’re against doing this not because you truly think it’s your co-resident’s responsibility, but rather that if you do it really seals the end of this relationship… which I think you’re open to keeping if he did choose you (but he didn’t). And what do you have to show for it? You gambled and lost. Youre not a girl’s girl at allll and you’re very immature/ naïve and need to grow tf up.
Based on the current behavior, I'm sad to say that there's a good chance he was never actually your friend, just acting like a friend until you gave in and he felt he could change the nature of the relationship. That's a crappy way for anyone to be, though - it's disingenuous. I'm sorry you're going through it, but you will get through it. Hang in there.
Rule of thumb when sleeping with a coworker in medicine, if you’re a guy, always sleep with someone above you in training. If you’re a girl, do the opposite. Never sleep laterally. Currently an intern and have been sleeping with a fellow (in a tangentially related field), and it’s been easy to compartmentalize our fun.
This seems like an episode of Grays Anatomy….. what season you on?
While I can’t confirm if OP is lying or not . Hookups most definitely happen in residency. In fact two of my former coresidents are now engaged . All started with a hookup
One of our surgical subspecialties had two residents in the same year hook up, get into a relationship, get married. The program only has 2 residents per year lol. High risk maneuver. Anyways he went community and she went subspecialty fellowship, so they both have niche interests. They're happily graduated, married and killing it.
It started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep, and she's calling a cab
I married my senior resident after we hooked up during night float.
Right . I’m sure People hook up in residency all the time . I walked in on a rendezvous in a hot tub during a residents retreat once . My “big sib” who was a year ahead of me also hooked up with her senior when she was an intern . Had her heart broken because he had no interest in being anything other than fck buddies . So it definitely happens . Put a bunch of young , sometimes attractive people together for 3+ years of residency , people are bound to have some fun with each other . It’s not like we had much time to date other people who aren’t in medicine
My friend used to say the hookup part of greys anatomy is one of its most realistic parts. Idk about everywhere else but I know for a fact that many of my coresidents are hooking up.
True fact….. met my now hubby while he was a resident at work 23 years ago
Happens at almost any job. I remember working in an OR ward during high school, and a trauma surgeon and OB were caught banging atop of the pool table in the physician lounge. Ended up in the pool table being removed and a sternly worded email being sent out about maintaining professionalism in the workplace.
Two ball in the corner pocket
I would worry less about getting laid at this time and literally ignore him like your life depends on it. You need to get your mental health in order right away or residency WILL break you. You hear me? Work on yourself if you want to make it thru the rest of school because this behavior will cause you to self sabotage out of the program
Will do, thank you for your advice!
I’d also say, you need to take control of the situation. If he contacts you again about sex, remain calm, lower the emotions, and state “while things happened, I’m past that. If you’d like to roll things back and try to be friends, I’m down, but otherwise this is a professional working relationship moving forward.” Nothing crushes a males attitude then a woman metaphorically stomping on his balls and pride.
Wouldn't even suggest leaving friends as an option. He was never her friend and was just playing the long game. Now he just wants an f buddy to get through residency with WHILE HE IS DATING SOMEONE ELSE might I add.
She just as culpable in this mess, don't put all the blame on him. He was shitty for what he did, but so was she for having slept with the dude given that she knew that he had a gf. Now, moving past that, just tell him that the situation is too much of a distraction and that you need to reorient yourself and get back on track. I.e set boundaries.
i mean considering it was HIS relationship and his gf he cheated on, yea, he’s more culpable obviously
Are saying OP beat themselves up forever? Or see that interaction had its interaction and that was a moment in time? You know what depression is? >Now moving past that, just tell him that the situation is too much of a distraction and that you need to reorient yourself and get back on track. This, that was beautifully said.
lol definitely not "just as". The person in the relationship is always far more culpable than the person they sleep with. They're the one cheating after all.
This is great advice, ty! Copying and pasting this into my phone to send for later
I would just ghost him for anything that doesn’t pertain to residency and pretend like it didn’t happen. He doesn’t deserve an explanation, and you deserve to close this chapter
I’d just postpone, and incrementally kindly pull away with no more sex on the table. Give yourself time to craft appropriate non-emotional responses. Don’t respond to any text x24h unless patient related AND he can’t get the information from the chart. Change your mindset. You used him for sex/attention, which is likely at least partially true given you knew he was emotionally unavailable. You may not like the choices you made but they *were* your choices. Don’t blame him for them. You just realized that’s not what you were looking for and hopefully he isn’t too bitter about being cut off from sex that he acts out. If he does, make a written record of things that cross the line / affect patient care through sabotage or otherwise. If HR ever gets involved, you need to have a written record of quotes and objective actions to protect yourself.
Thank you!!
Especially not regulating and getting help for the loneliness since every human has moments of it, don’t think whoever used you doesn’t struggle with loneliness- probably struggles with it the MOST! But, takes strength and bravery to admit you got depression. That’s mood and you have to work on managing that.
This.
This. Get help - professional and programme if it becomes harassment and you can’t deal. Have boundaries and be steadfast if you’re not down for a hook-up and won’t ever be. But work on self-respect and the depression and severe loneliness, by finding company but also addressing the fundamentals — by being ok with being on your own too. You won’t always be able to have people and medicine is a career where you have that more often than others.
You were never friends to begin with. He wanted to bang you. He did. That is pretty much it.
Exactly
Happy cake day
Lmao exactly. To be fair, he’s a doofus. At least continue to play nice with her until they’re both done
This. And exactly why you gotta keep your boundaries with these creeps. But OP also slept with someone KNOWING they had a partner. Soooooo there’s that.
Just keep banging it out
Please start counseling. Residency is hard enough, don't try to fight the depression alone.
The ultimate victim is the poor GF who is getting cheated on by her BF and this woman who had sex with him, knowing he had a GF She wants sympathy for her depression and loneliness, while being 100% ok with causing that same depression and loneliness to another woman. Wild. Edit: Loving the responses from the people who condone and excuse cheating in their lives: “SoMeHow YoU ShiFt **ALL** thE BlaMe tO hEr ☝️🤤” I **clearly** included the BF in my first paragraph, and my second paragraph is because… OP is literally the topic of discussion who gave the lame excuse? If the POS BF logged on Reddit and gave the same excuse he cheats on his GF because he’s depressed too, he would also get the same criticism. “Depression” isn’t an excuse for gladly hopping on dick and committing adultery and then being shocked that the same fuck-boy only wants you as a booty-call. It’s mind blowing that I’m in a sub for literal doctors and have to actually state this next part too, but yes, the BF is **clearly** a huge asshole—arguably the biggest asshole here.
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The bulk of the blame is on both of them. She knew just as much as he did, and she cared more about her own loneliness than respecting someone else's relationship. It's not as if one had more sex than the other. They both got what they wanted at the expense of someone innocent.
No no it's not just on the person in a relationship. That's called being a homewrecker and makes you a shitty person.
>I’ve had people in relationships come on to me before and I’ve said no. But even if I said yes and something happened, ultimately it’s on them - the person in a relationship. LMAO..Nope.
Most personally accountable redditor
Well I didn’t know *depression* makes you sit on another woman’s boyfriend’s dick. Must’ve missed that during psych lecture during med school 🤔 Also- OP is continuing to do it and seems to have no remorse. Seems indicative of *a lot* more mental health issues than depression. Even some personality disorders. Edit- Even if depression does, it doesn’t excuse this behavior and there are a lot of people with depression who still choose not to do this.
Am psych. Depression makes you do a lot of things. Person can have good insight and bad judgment.
And who knows what lies the guy told her to get her to go along.(I am breaking up with her... or similar) . In my mind he bears the most blame here.I am on the side, in this case of not berating the OP.It does seem, though that the OPs distress stems from her assuming there would be some sort of permanent relationship. Had she been of the mind set of pure casual sex, it wouldn't be (as much of) a problem. That assumption is perhaps the root mistake. Obviously she has learned something. I feel for her. Residency is a massively stressful time and it is natural to look for some human kindness and caring to smooth over the very difficult times. I am pretty appalled at some of the comments that say "poor baby - blaming her actions on depression".. Perhaps they have never felt real depression. I have. It can make you do things that run against your real character, just looking for SOME RELIEF from the pain. You aspiring physicians who are saying this need to learn some empathy. You are supposed to have some empathy with your patients to be able to care for them. I see little empathy in these comments. She now has added stress. I agree with a comment above - please get some help from a therapist. They can be the friend and the objective voice you need in very tough times. My therapist saw me through a very stressful period and was the voice of reason when I was considering doing some stupid things.
Thank you!
sure. It was no effort. Just told the truth
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🎯
You must’ve not been paid attention to the fine print on your lecture slides
I second this. You are not alone.
You didn't lose anything because he was never trying to be friends.
The double standards on this sub are wild sometimes. If OP was a guy saying "I banged this chick who had a boyfriend and now she won't speak to me, waaaah!!!" you know exactly what this comment section would be like. OP would have his ass split from one end to another. People would be calling him an asshole, home wrecker, doofus, etc. But because it's a beautiful delicate grill posting, the comments are like "oh you poor thing, I'm sorry he mistreated so badly, I hope your mental health gets better, please see a counselor <3"
Not to mention we have exactly one side of the story. Who knows what actually happened.
That is entire reddit apart from "manosphere" subs. Women are treated with children's gloves everywhere here no matter how wrong they are.
I mean, Reddit is still the Internet. Sometimes it's like people have forgotten.
The craziest part to me is that you were surprised by this. Like you thought the guy who continuously hit on you while he had a girlfriend was going to treat you *well* after he got what he wanted? Why exactly? Bless your heart. If he'll treat her like shit, he'll treat you like shit. Don't forget it.
What's that aphorism? Whoever marries his mistress creates a vacancy.
whoa that’s a good saying
Another one for the quote book
His gf is in the comment section.
Then she should ditch this creeping manipulative POS ASAP
Why can’t juicy stuff like this happen at my program we never get any good tea. Closest thing we’ve had to entertaining drama is when one of the residents tried to bang one of the attendings at the Christmas party
Yeah my program literally only ever talks about work 😭😂 our biggest drama was about our new in service grading system
Let's be little clear.U both used each other, probably because u got blinded because of solitude and depression .But u weren't really used. Don't let yourself fall into victim mindset. It's terrible place to be in It was a mistake, terrible one, congratulations u realised Now don't keep repeating that anymore . U didn't lose a friend, u just rediscovered truth about your co-resident, which u probably knew anyway. Remind him shit person he is and tell him that u don't expect any personal attachment beyond professional attitude henceforth. Warn him that if he approaches u with cursory intentions, this story is straight up going to his girlfriend. Also do something about loneliness, I know it's difficult in residency. But u are more likely to repeat same mistakes. Living without physical or emotional attention is not everyone's cup of tea
Really great post.
I’m confused. Was he still with his girlfriend when he slept with you? Is he with that girlfriend now?
She said she caved in after multiple attempts by him and he has a girlfriend. Are we reading the same text?
OP had sex with a man who she knew was in a relationship instead of saying “I don’t go for men with girlfriends” or “How would your girlfriend feel about you saying that?” Ladies and gentlemen- if you say either phrase to someone in a relationship who’s flirting with you, they *will* stop. And then you won’t end up like OP. And nobody gets hurt.
And then also did the toxic thing of 100% blaming your mental health instead of taking responsibility for being a POS lol God this is a good episode of Grey’s Anatomy
YES! Everyone is like “Poor baby sweetie! It’s ok that you cheated because you have DEPRESSION!” Oh I didn’t know *depression* made you sit on another girlfriend’s boyfriend’s dick? Must’ve missed that during psych in med school 🤔
She wants our sympathy for her depression and loneliness, while being 100% ok in helping cause depression and loneliness to the GF being cheated on. Pretty wild one-way street.
Bingo! Not top grade behavior I'm afraid.
You overestimate how faithful people are these days.
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*”If you want to hoe, then go be a single hoe. Don’t be a cheating hoe.”* This is some poetry right here. 🥲
#COOK SIS
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my girlfriend would 100% whole heartedly agree with this sentiment. she a hoe for me, and i’m a hoe for her. ^pemdas
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I’m not gonna fault you entirely on this as you were vulnerable and sorts, but I do really think that you only feel guilty after figuring out that you are just a booty call to him and he won’t leave his girlfriend for you. Otherwise, you were perfectly fine sleeping with him MULTIPLE TIMES knowing he has a girlfriend. That’s why I don’t feel sorry for you or have sympathy for you. As they say “you reap what you sow.”
“I’m not gonna fault you entirely” I will. Sweetheart is surprised she’s just a booty call… after knowingly fucking a guy who would cheat on his gf with her… She doesn’t even take responsibility—“my depression caused me to fuck him and help him cheat on his gf 🥺” Both pretty shitty people imo
When u thought u are top shelf alcohol and then only to find out u nothing more than low tier frat party alcohol… that’s gotta hurt
Weird alcohol quality metaphor. Is that how people are arranged? On shelves by level of price? What does it mean?
It’s a pretty common way of categorizing people and I’m surprised that you’re not more familiar with it. For example, most people would probably equate me to a bottle of The Macallan Fine & Rare 1926, 60-Year-Old. You seem more like a Glenfiddich 15-Year-Old type of guy. Respectable, indeed, with a depth that suggests potential. It's a solid choice, reliable, but lacking the exquisite rarity that sets the truly exceptional apart. A good effort, well done, bravo! As for the average Tufts medical student, they find their parallel in Old Crow - a choice that speaks volumes without uttering a single word. It's the kind of whiskey chosen not for its palate or prestige, but for its mere ability to intoxicate. It's harsh, unrefined, and while technically whiskey, it's as close to undrinkable as one can get without crossing into the realm of poison. This comparison is not to deride but to illustrate a stark reality in the hierarchy of talent and potential. So yeah, that’s how many of us routinely describe humans. Maybe it’s more of an Ivy thing. Nothing wrong with being a Glenfiddich, not everyone can be a rare vintage, and there is a certain dignity in accepting one's position in the spectrum of alcoholic excellence. Cheers!
Can I ask you a question pertaining to the last part. I have met people that shit on cheaters and talk about how they are the worst people, but then if one of their friends does it, they are still friends and don't really lay the same amount of heat as they do of others who aren't their friends. It happened with some people that I know. Friend's roomate/really good friend was in a NP program. Cheated with a guy that was married and got caught. I want to say that she lost a lot of friends who were in the same program because of it, but her close friends, and the roommate, continued being friends, but still had a talk with her. But the thing is, our mutual friend was someone that thought cheaters were terrible people, yet, she is still friends with them but will shit on others who have cheated. So the question is, would you be willing to look at your friends in the same light and call them shitty people and stop being friends with them?
I’m sorry you’re feeling all of this OP. And am glad you’ve acknowledged your mistake. As others have said, please don’t entertain him anymore. You feel you’ve lost a friend. But the fact that he kept making moves for months till you gave in and cheated on his girlfriend shows he was a not so good person to begin with. (Not absolving you of the blame here. But at least you’ve shown regret unlike him). And finally, I agree with you. Residency is lonely. And depressing. But there are ways to help with that. Go to hangouts, meetups, book clubs etc and use dating apps. In my opinion, they do feel inauthentic at first. But lead to great experiences and eventually good friendships.
Thank you for this, I appreciate it!
Go get STD tested.
Already did that, I’m clean
Naturally, you checked. I think I typed it from habit. Glad to hear something positive in your challenges. Good luck 🍀
You were never his friend and always a romantic interest. He was nice to you because he wanted something from you. Now that he’s getting it, he doesn’t need to put in more effort. And yes, he is using you. Now that doesn’t absolve you from the fact that you had sex with a taken guy. You helped him cheat. How would you feel if you were on the other side of this? Take this as a lesson and maybe let his girlfriend know. Dump his ass and work on yourself for awhile. Find other outputs to help the loneliness or you’ll find yourself in a similar situation later down the road
only way to make it through residency without feeling burdened by this is to have a conversation with him so you two can be on the same page and put it behind you. ask him to have a quick conversation for the sake of being cordial and professional co-residents moving forward. if he doesn't have an interest in having a convo, that's fine. anything you lose by speaking your truth isn't a loss. if he cheated with you, he's going to cheat again and has probably cheated in the past. yes you made a horrible decision, but all you can do now is forgive yourself and learn from the experience and trust that karma will do its thing with him soon enough.
+1 Best helpful advise here.
You didn’t lose anything real. This guy, however, is setting himself up for a lot of loss in life. Much better things await you.
You knew he had a girlfriend but still slept with him? Shame on him and shame on you. Cheating is not cool. You deserve this and I hope his poor girlfriend finds out and dumps his sorry ass.
At least they weren’t married with kids. That’s much worse damage.
Very good point, ilovecreampiesandfries
I’m a reproductive medicine doc. The username cums with the territory.
Listen, no need to kick a person when they’re down. I don’t condone the behavior as I was cheated on by my long term bf,but residency is hard and lonelier for some more than others. So watch yourself on the high horse there…don’t be quick to judge…
Residency is hard but it’s not, like, forgive cheating hard.
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There you go- someone with morals! How rare.
It’s called dating apps and finding one of the hundreds of thousands of men who don’t have a girlfriend or wife. OP clearly doesn’t feel bad about her behavior since she’s continuing to cheat with him.
yep if a shallow fuck is how she wants to cope with loneliness and depression she can attain that via a free app within minutes while sitting on the crapper. Instead she knowingly chose to homewreck, with a coresident of all people. Not an ounce of sympathy for me, clearly a FAFO situation
AMEN!
Yeah buddy, I'll absolutely be quick to judge cheaters. All you people up voting this crap have lost my respect too. Cheaters. Suck. Stop apologizing for them. Do I hate OP or wish to sya cruel things to them? No. But they absolutely suck and I will absolutely judge them and I'll absolutely kick them when they're down if I choose to. Call it a high horse all you want. I'm not a cheater and I don't make excuses for cheaters. OP is upset that she got rejected by the cheater. She was completely OK, despite her sympathy baiting ("I feel used." Yeah imagine how the gf feels), to sleep with the guy despite his relationship. It's only once she realized that he wasn't gonna leave the gf for her and that he considered her second fiddle that she regretted it. Almost gauranteed she would have been fine stealing him away from her if he was willing to leave the gf for her.
Being on a high horse for thinking it’s kinda shitty for someone to knowingly sleep with someone multiple times who is already in a relationship? Residency is tough. But it doesn’t make me want to fuck people who are taken. We can offer supportive advice to those struggling while also calling out certain unacceptable behaviors.
Honestly I agree
You feel used?
I wonder how his girlfriend feels… hmmm….
If she knows about it…
I hope she does...OR finds out soon!
Nice mental gymnastics here
Just hope and pray he doesn’t tell and no one else finds out in your residency. My immediate thought is yikes! If this leaks out to anyone in your residency your reputation is shot to shreds.
the thing is.... men talk...
Exactly. That’s why I said hope and pray. Sounds like OP is an intern. Can’t imagine rounding with my attendings knowing they know I have zero qualms about sleeping with men who are in a relationship. RIP 🪦 OP’s reputation.
His reputation should be more shot.
Wait u slept with him knowing he has a gf??
Yes I did and I was very wrong for doing so
and you want us to feel sorry for you?
Point to where I said I wanted sympathy…quickly!
Own your mistakes, take responsibility for your actions Get help for your depression. Take your next steps better and wiser than before Simple, yes. Difficult , maybe. Ultimately necessary to find inner peace.
was cheated on by my long term boyf with an intern who he only met for a few months. The trauma is still lingering. Being cheated on, no, the term would be BETRAYED, is a different kind of pain. It makes you question your choices. What did I do wrong that he had to do that? I faulted myself at first. And yes, I was diagnosed with depression. I even drank meds to save myself from going downhill. It was hard to survive everyday, go on duty everyday. Especially when you work at the same hospital. How my hands trembled when I saw the girl with the audacity to walk through the corridor without shame. I barely survived months of having only literally an hour of sleep, no appetite to sustain myself physically; all these while I was concealing how hurt I was and stopped myself from crying during duty hours. I felt like I was in an endless pit full of darkness and anger and loneliness. So if you ever thought that being part of a betrayal is something that can be justified by being lonely and depressed, then you better check your values. This goes for everyone who might read this, please, if you are not happy with your relationship, just leave. And for women out there, it is never selfish for wanting to be loved. But is it really worth the guilt knowing that you have also caused someone pain?
OP, let it go. This is just the initial shock. You'll feel bad for a while but you are going to find someone else better than this son of a bitch. He probably sensed your vulnerability and took it before you realized what was happening. This is part of the dating game that many went through, residency or not. Lesson learned and you'll be happy with the next better guy you are going out with. Your patients will appreciate your mental strength passing this stage of residency. I wish you the best.
OP, this doesn’t seem to be popular consensus here, but I think you realized that you made a mistake and for that, you deserve grace. Guilt is a part of making mistakes and encourages better future behavior, but with depression it spirals out of control and becomes much more like shame over who we are. Don’t let that happen. Recognize that you hurt someone else as well as yourself, but you can only be responsible for yourself moving forward. You are not a “shitty person” as others have suggested here. Life is complicated, and the shitty people are ones who refuse to learn from their mistakes. Please get help for your mental health. While I’m sure it contributed to your decisions, it can be addressed, and thus, it is your responsibility to yourself and others to do so.
You live and learn… but if one day you catch your bf having sex with someone else, you don’t have the right to get mad lol decisions come with consequences
you need therapy and proactive measures to combat lonliness which many people are already suffering from. go outside meet new people, try something new. I think everyone has said whats on their mind from your post. you need to do some root cause analysis on what led you to this point and establish boundaries with coworkers asap.
You now know he is not your friend. Would be worse to know that years later.
He sounds like an AH. People get together in residency all the time so I don’t think it’s that unheard of. Ignore him and go on with your life. Be professional. But ignore him.
He fucked you! In every meaning of the word. But don’t give him that power over yourself!!! A few things that have pulled me over deep depresion after being dumped by the, then current, love of my life are 1. Happy songs! The kind that make you feel like “fuck yeah” 2. Motivational podcasts (for me was the kind that pretend to be my own self inner voice talking to me) 3. People. If you dont have anyone, then find it. Put some effort into learning about what people tell you about themselves and ask at a later time how things are going. Try and make meaningful connections. 4. Nature, go out, walk. 5. This is really hard, but dont hold a grudge. Let him go and wish him the best. I have learned life gives you what you hold inside, so if you keep anger… things hardly will seem better. 6. Train/force your brain to (even forcefully) keep positive. It makes such a difference. Best of luck!
Yeah, you had my full support and sympathies until I read your comments. You really don’t give a shit what you did to the other gf’s relationship. In that case you can go fuck yourself - and I really don’t give a damn about what you’re doing through. I can’t bring myself to care about others who clearly dont even care about the consequences of their actions. Your actions may be a result of depression/loneliness/mental health. But your responses show the selfishness and show your true character. You really don’t care about what you did - you just care that it didn’t go the way you planned. Fuck off. It’s not about mental health. You legitimately sound like an unpleasant person.
You are wonderful and intelligent and you know what, I hope the sex was really good. There are many attractive people and wonderful people that are going to come into your life! You made it to residency and you will thrive and survive. It's ok to lose a friend, there will be many more 💖
Thank you!
He was never your friend or had the intention to be. He was just trying to have sex with you and that’s the covert way of shooting the shot. Bided his time, being manipulative, deceitful and the moment you realise that, the sooner you won’t be negatively affected by the situation. Learn from it and move on somewhat wiser
1. Get an antidepressant. 2. Think of it the way he's thinking of it...it was just a good time. 3. If he loved his girlfriend it wouldn't have happened, so everyone trying to shame her, don't. He's not married and I don't know who told yall relationships are marriage but they aren't. 4. You got what you needed from him, now pick yourself up and move on. Ghost him for as long as you need to and put yourself first. This is one of those times youre gonna have to process as a male. Which is almost certain to make him come for you more. But this way you have the upper hand. 5. I never slept with anyone without thinking about the aftermath, helps you avoid a lot of situations. If you would care afterwards, it's not a good idea.
I'm so sorry you went through this :( He sounds like a total jerk, especially if he cheated on his gf! You are not to blame at all, it's absolutely normal to feel lonely and depressed especially during residency and during the winter! You did nothing wrong for wanting to be physically and (potentially) emotionally close with someone. He did everything wrong for cheating on his gf and using you. Guys just suck a lot and that's not your fault at all. And I know this may be a hot take, but ignore the people that are telling you to "get over it" or "just focus on your residency". If it were that easy, there would be no such thing as heartbreak. And I guarantee you people telling you to "just move on" would struggle just the same if they were in your position. Do not minimize your feelings. Do not pretend you're fine. You experienced a hurtful and somewhat traumatic thing and you have to accept that. Do not let the fact that you are fully feeling your feelings during this emotional experience make you think that you don't have enough grit for the game. You clearly do have enough grit because you are most likely killing your residency and you will continue to kill it! But that's the point: give yourself time to heal and show yourself lots of self love, but keep going. You have to keep showing up during residency and you have to keep being a boss. Channel your frustration toward being better than him during residency. Idk if your residency has a lot of competition or politics going on, but use that energy to demolish him. Just be better than him because you are better than him and he is a piece of garbage for what he did to you. Remind him of that every day by being one of the strongest, fastest and hottest residents in your program. Picture yourself being his chief resident in your final year and work toward that goal. Let him know just how much better than him you always were and always will be. And to quote Pam from the Office (lol) "sometimes it's not about who you've been with, it's about who you end up with". You're going to end up with someone balanced, kind and stable. Whether it's during your residency or after! Are you on any dating apps or do you ever use your true one day off a month to go read at a coffee shop? Sometimes it's nice just to put yourself out there to see how many amazing guys are around you! You just have to look beyond the hospital ;) Also, force yourself to make time for exercise, eating well and treating yourself to the most expensive drink on the Starbucks menu every now and then. You're a rockstar, don't let this break you.
We all make mistakes and do things we regret. Yes it was wrong to sleep with someone you knew was in a relationship. Beating yourself up over it now isn’t going to be productive. Obviously if you haven’t already you need to cut things off with him now and just keep it to a professional relationship. Yes it may be awkward but that will fade over time. More importantly though—are you getting any treatment/counseling for your depression?
Therapy cost a lot but I’m looking into my options
If you’re in the US and in residency that should be covered by your insurance and hospital system. Are you a troll OP?
It’s $90 for a 25 minute session. I don’t think that is worth it
Not all mistakes are equivalent. This isn’t like accidentally cutting someone off in traffic. Cheating is severe. You won’t learn not to be a disappointment / moral failure of a person if you don’t perseverate on your guilt for a good length of time.
"You won’t learn not to be a disappointment / moral failure of a person if you don’t perseverate on your guilt for a good length of time.". This is the worst advice I have ever read on this topic and entirely untrue and I'm a psychiatrist. OP absolutely made a garbage choice and did so in a moment of vulnerability, but perseverance on guilt is how residents kill themselves and y'all need to stop.
When did I say all mistakes are equivalent? OP is clearly already deeply ashamed of this and nothing in their post indicates they are trying to justify or defend their actions. Some amount of guilt can be healthy/appropriate, yes, but it can also become toxic and counterproductive. OP came here for guidance and continuing to berate them isn't helpful in my opinion.
The post laments feeling used and like they lost a friend. The post does NOT lament the destruction of another persons security and relationship through their actions. OP did not come here for guidance to navigate their guilt for hurting another person. This person does not feel guilty enough and deserves a healthy bit more beratement, frankly.
We all make mistakes. Try not to torture yourself. Residency will pass, you will become happier. You may benefit from a little medical treatment. Good luck, hang in there.
Get a boyfriend.. and stop sleeping with other’s toxic boyfriend
Are we all just gonna ignore OP slept with a dude who already has a girlfriend? That’s garbage behavior
I don’t think that’s being ignored here my friend lol read the comments
Good because it’s garbage behavior. Bad OP!!
I think starting therapy, reaching out to trusted friends/family and/or trying to make new a friend /friend group are good places to start. You aren't the only person to make a mistake like this, and people aren't defined by their mistakes. Cutting of this douche is also a good idea.
It's understandable that you're experiencing a tough time right now. Feeling regret and loneliness after recognizing a mistake is a common reaction. It's important to take responsibility for your actions and learn from them to avoid repeating similar situations in the future. Prioritizing your well-being at this moment is crucial, and seeking counseling or therapy could be beneficial in navigating through this challenging time.
Think what you would say to your little sister or a close friend if she told you this happened to her.
Honestly, considering the title “biggest mistake of my life”, I expected significantly worse consequences. You got off very lightly. The rest of the issues are yours to fix. Get a therapist and see a professional.
you should contact the gf imo this guy sounds like a scumbag. do her a favor and let her know before she ends up marrying this clown.
Friends with Benefits. Nobody should care. You’re spending too much time fighting focusing on this. You two used each other. Go focus on your residency and when you’re in need and can’t find someone else call him again.
You need to step back for a lot of self reflection here. Feeling vulnerable and lonely are normal. Having those feelings during residency is absolutely par for the course. Commiserating with fellow residents can be helpful because trauma bonding is a real thing. HOWEVER, seeking out emotional support through emotionally unavailable men and then claiming to have been done wrong when it was a literal forgone conclusion(seriously, how many rom coms?)needs some reflection. Is this a pattern? I'M NOT EXCUSING THE GUY, but you knew he had a girlfriend. He wasn't hiding it, apparently. This isn't going to hurt him one little bit. You, OTOH, could really get burned if this becomes something you do or are doing. Why did I point this out? I have seen SO MANY women do this over the years. I hope you find a way to ease your loneliness in a healthier and less self-destructive way. Good luck!
Everyone is so fascinated with judging and blaming. We’ve all made mistakes and OP is admitting that she made a mistake. That’s step one. Step two is to stop making the same mistake. Step three is to learn from it. Begin by forgiving yourself and your friend. Now be firm with your discussion with him and with what’s going to happen moving forward. Is there anything else that you can do to undo the damage that has happened? Perhaps more discussion with your friend, mentor, priest, etc? Definitely some counseling seems in order here. I’m sure that you are a good person and just used bad judgment. It happens. Move forward and use this experience to improve. Best wishes to you.
Find your group of girlfriends and STAY busy. Gym, sauna, walk, shopping...girl you have so much to do and avoid being a doormat
Buck up, tell him to piss off, move on, and don't sleep with people that you work with or people in relationships. You deserve better! But I know how tempting it is, OP. We spend so much time with our co-workers in training and wires can get crossed.
Truthfully, try to build your own support system. People that you can speak to that you trust. Don’t make your goal to confide in every person and treat them as a therapist. Try finding people with similar interest to build acquaintances that make your life feel less lonely. At the end of the day we are all alone no matter what and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It’s all on how you interpret it. You made a mistake! Acknowledge it and try to reconcile the parts of yourself that you feel like you’ve lost. If you want to tell his girlfriend, you can. It will invite a moment of unnecessary but necessary drama but don’t shy away from conflict in order to create a better version of your life. A lot of people don’t recognize this but sex can be a form of self harm. Try to talk to free counselors or retain a therapist that you deem acceptable and try to work through your own issues. You’ll only be able to heal once you acknowledge where you went wrong and what you can do better from now on. If he was coming on to you while having a girlfriend or partner, he was never going to be yours. That doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or him. You’re not disgusting or terrible or awful you just are lost and lonely and have nobody to help you so you’re giving in to your worst vices. If you have self destructive tendencies, figure out why that is. Enjoy the time you have with yourself to learn everything about you and enjoy the ugly and beautiful parts while trying to become the best version of you. Again, truthfully, he was probably never your friend in the way you were hoping for. He probably thought he was your friend but dont trust others over your own instincts. You slept with him because you were feeling low and gave in to the sexual advances… that doesn’t mean you’re going to be that kind of person forever. You’re already remorseful and wanting advice to be better and do better. It’s up to you to take action and build and trust your own intuition to make better decisions. I’ve been the partner getting cheated on in your scenario and there’s a version of you running around with him happy thinking they won. Don’t seek male validation, you are enough. You have to know that yourself though, nobody can force you to do anything. Walk with your head high when you can and know when to admit your faults when necessary. Try finding friends that don’t push you for sexual activities, if they’re trying you then they’re trying your boundaries. Try finding people that can meet you where you are and grow with you. Everyone you meet won’t be your friend but they can help you to be less lonely, to make more informed decisions and not sleep with the neighbors who are in relationships but want to use you for momentary gratification (hopefully). In a way, you used him too. You wanted to escape the loneliness and depression that you don’t have the proper tools to combat and thought sex would be solace in your abyss. Sex is not the solution. You are the solution and don’t have to have sex with someone for them to stay or be your friend or be nice to you. People can love you as you are. you just have to learn how to be you and who you are and how to take care of yourself. How you get over this is by focusing on you without centering men, sex, or others over discovering yourself. Maybe I have an unpopular opinion but idgas that’s usually how it is for me in life. Just want to let you know that you can do better despite the mistakes you’ve made.
The biggest lesson in this isn’t to avoid sleeping with coworkers, it’s that cheaters are shitty people, and they’re not going to change for you. You *knew* he had a girlfriend, and was willing to sleep with you anyway - that’s a red flag if ever there was one. Now he’s just continuing to act in kind with his nature. You’re not blameless here either - choosing to sleep with someone who you know is in a relationship is pretty shitty, too. You need to accept that responsibility. All that said, depression can make you do some wild things that wouldn’t cross your mind if you were in a more stable place. This is a great opportunity to recognize that depression is seriously impacting you, and get some help. Get a therapist, get on medication (or more/different medication if you’re already on something), and get yourself well before you think about getting into a relationship with anyone else, co-resident or no. Also make sure they’re single first.
I’m sorry but I have nothing positive to say lmao
I think your first mistake is being his affair partner….
You fucked a dude with a gf and only he used you?
Oh God girl noooo you broke the one and only rule! Don't shit where you eat!! Also don't bother with a resident or doctor unless they marry you. Otherwise they'll just waste your time and he's got a gf so.... yeah just act like it never happened. He will pretend too because he knows he has a girl.
This happens to all of us ladies. Not in residency but was used by a guy with a girlfriend like this too that I had no idea when we first got together even had a gf. Once I found out he had a gf, he begged me to still see him and then he insulted me and told me he doesn't give af about me. He's a total douchebag. I live in front of the cafe he owns. It's awful. I fought so much self-loathing like I wasn't good enough but really, you need to block him and talk to a therapist so you can deal with the way you've been dehumanized as just a sex object by another human. P
“….You feel used” Didn’t you also “use him” to cure your loneliness?
i‘d say do some mental work to change the way you view that situation. remind yourself you did that 100% willingly, so in a way you also used him for sex. the fact that he stopped being your friend afterward only speaks badly about him, not you. and finally, face the fact that you messed up, you helped another man cheat. if you want to come clean, inform the girlfriend about it if she doesn’t already know. that’s the least you can do. then onward.
I was literally about to comment the quote about don't... Where you eat but you already had it
Only one thing you can do, really.. shit on his chest and reassert dominance. Also, don't fuck someone else's boyfriend.
That co-resident had a girlfriend and you knew, but you still fucked him multipe times. What did you think was gonna happen? That he was gonna break up with his girl? People make mistakes IK, but you're still a massive douchebag. Go get some help. I feel sorry for the girlfriend. I doubt she knows what's going on.
Was the sex at least good? If not that's a lose/lose
Don’t shit where you eat, folks. Sorry that he used you (that’s what it sounds like). Please seek professional help for your depression, I am wishing you the best.
Tell him to fuck off?
This is the hot goss I subscribe to this subreddit for lol
Sounds like you may have been using him as much as he used you.
My comment is going to come across harsh but just going to give a straightforward assessment imo You guys are both assholes. He’s an asshole because he seemingly just wanted to hook up with you and wasn’t truly a real friend. He sounds like a piece of shit and you probably overlooked those characteristics because he is either charming or attractive or both. You’re an asshole for hooking up with someone knowingly that they were in a relationship. Depression/loneliness is a reason for why things happened but it doesn’t excuse your behavior or poor decision making Move on and work on yourself - meanwhile keep the contact with him to a minimum besides a professional working capacity. Best of luck to you and I hope you get the help you need.
Don’t beat yourself up about it. You’re not the first person to sleep with somebody you shouldn’t have. Try to learn something and move on.
First understand your worth as a girl. You deserve to be loved, committed to. You can only be treated like a queen! Never accept anything less. Since he has treated you badly, as someone to f*** with when he wants. It shows how little you think of yourself that you accepted this. You have to understand what your worth is. How little this is what he gave you. Why he gave you only that much. And reflect on why you accepted this. You should only accept single, available guys who want to date you seriously and treat you very well! There are many such guys who are looking for a girl exactly like you! You are a resident, young, probably pretty and you can get a guy who will cherish you as very special and also sleep with you! You can choose whether you want such a guy! Change your position! Ask yourself why you put yourself in this position and be honest about how low your self esteem has been to accept this. And then build up your self esteem! While doing this inner work 1. Ignore him and be very cold, if he messages or calls you, don’t force yourself to answer. Feel free to ignore or be cold/ snarky 2. Get a life outside of this! Work out, focus on studying, get on Meet up apps and make some friends. Go out with a sweet guy. Meet old friends! Do things that you know will make you happy. Treat it like a break up and move on 3. Never sleep with someone unless they are single available and very much interested in a relationship with you! Once you have emotionally healed and you feel “safe” with a guy, feel free to go wild with that safe guy! 4. It’s not about him, it’s about you and what you do with your life. You want to be a crying girl who cries over someone who fucked her or you want to be a queen, star resident, someone who has everything together and is shining? If you be the second type of girl he’s gonna come back moping and begging u for attention. Focus on yourself queen
You need to look at this from a different perspective. I am a nurse. It could have been much worse. You could've had a relationship with the patient, and that would have ruined your life personally and professionally. I don't know what residency program you belong to, but think about your sickest patient – you could have been this person, and that will certainly give you something to worry about, especially if this person as chronic, or terminal illness. Tell no one at work about this. You don't have to be rude to this person. Just say you cannot do it anymore, when he tries to get in touch with you. Be professional, be levelheaded, be polite – when you have to deal with him. Like I said, it is much easier said than done. Best wishes to you. This note was created with Dragon Medical, a voice recognition software. Occasional incorrect words may have occurred due to the inherent limitations.
Do your best just to act professional and normal as if nothing happened. It will hurt, but everyday, it will get better and better. You are tough!
Thank you!
I think one thing you may be missing (the following is based on my own experience) is that most men fundamentally view sex differently than women. It can have absolutely no emotional attachment for them. It’s like exercise - just part of a healthy active lifestyle. I’m sure if you told him how you feel you guys could reach a point of understanding together…sounds like you mistakenly let on that you were open to casual sex and he is too obtuse to realize it would hurt your feelings to only reach out for that like he’s ordering DoorDash. Just communicate!
i promise you he was never a friend
Use him in return
Bruh. Why are people posting about mental health. 1) She slept with him multiple times, so it wasn’t a one and done deal. 2) She knows he has a girl. Obvious that she doesn’t owe the other woman loyalty but girl code??? 3) If he was consistently flirting with you knew what he wanted and you mention you turned him down quite a few times before. You didn’t lose anything, you both were friends with benefits. Am I missing anything?
Even if you dated, you could have broken up and then still be in a similar situation. This is why I won’t sleep with a guy until there is a ring on my finger. I feel your pain and don’t think you need any lashings. It’s these damn men that are the problem. They just want hoes and no commitment. Reality check is most women can’t handle the hoeing but we stupidly fall for it because we are lonely and it’s to not have a family. Hugs and take care of yourself. Maybe get a bunny or kitten? They can at least cuddle and won’t leave you.
I think it was better this happened sooner rather than later, means he never wanted to be a real friend. Focus on friendships that are real and get the upper hand by being the one to use him for a booty call when/if you want lol
Screw his friend lol 😆
it’s so interesting how the rejected party will contort things to make it, so they still appear advantageous even to pure strangers. You said multiple times in the comments that you just wanted to be friends and that’s just not true, you don’t fuck your friends. You also fucked ‘your friend’ multiple times, which made you complicit as an affair partner. **You tried to take that woman’s boyfriend thinking that you had the one up on her** because you’re also physician, spend an ungodly amount of time with co-resident and probably assumed that you were a better match. But you were wrong. Really you showed that you have no morals & probably created a negative reputation for yourself within your hospital system, if this hasn’t already gotten out. The only noble or redeeming thing you can do now in this situation is tell the girlfriend, but I really think you’re against doing this not because you truly think it’s your co-resident’s responsibility, but rather that if you do it really seals the end of this relationship… which I think you’re open to keeping if he did choose you (but he didn’t). And what do you have to show for it? You gambled and lost. Youre not a girl’s girl at allll and you’re very immature/ naïve and need to grow tf up.
Based on the current behavior, I'm sad to say that there's a good chance he was never actually your friend, just acting like a friend until you gave in and he felt he could change the nature of the relationship. That's a crappy way for anyone to be, though - it's disingenuous. I'm sorry you're going through it, but you will get through it. Hang in there.
Rule of thumb when sleeping with a coworker in medicine, if you’re a guy, always sleep with someone above you in training. If you’re a girl, do the opposite. Never sleep laterally. Currently an intern and have been sleeping with a fellow (in a tangentially related field), and it’s been easy to compartmentalize our fun.