Well, happy birthday, Cancer, my boy. I am going to the store to buy some cigarettes. No, no, they are not for you. Your present is lifelong abandonment and feelings of inadequacy. But, don't worry, you'll always be with me...in my lungs specifically with how many packs I smoke.
I've been holding onto this card for years - it's the last of the deck and FINALLY I have a chance to use it. Phew! What a relief. Now, what were you saying Dr. Zodiac?
"It's too late, doctor. I have already seized control of this poor man's brain. He never saw me coming. And while you were rattling on, I already spread to you. You're next."
Well, I'll be go to hell. They're gonna shave my beard! I'm gonna lose that damn bet!
This is what my dad's response was. Then they figured out he had polyps in his nasal cavity, not cancer.
Well Doc you only live once and this is awkward, but I think you’re really really really hot in a nerdy way. How bout you take that lab coat off and let me see those scrubs?
When I got cancer I wanted to talk my folks and tell them "I'm gay. no, not really. I have cancer.". But they would not have cared and they were in the last stages of their lives by then so the joke just didn't work.
Ten years ago, I was diagnosed with kidney cancer. I was surprised at how all of the doctors and nurses were walking on eggshells around me. I guess a lot of people get upset and angry when you tell them they have cancer. I decided to try to make them laugh, and said the first thing I could think of.
"Can I name it Murphy?"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"The tumor. I want to name it Murphy. That way I can shake my fist and say Damn you, Murphy!"
I have no idea where that idea came from, but it did make them laugh.
No, I AM cancer!
Hi cancer, I'm dad.
long time no see
The shop didn't have any milk, so I had to go to the one in Antarctica. Happy birthday(s)!
It actually is my birthday-
Well then, I'd better pop to the shops and get you a present! See you soon...
Mine too.
Well, happy birthday, Cancer, my boy. I am going to the store to buy some cigarettes. No, no, they are not for you. Your present is lifelong abandonment and feelings of inadequacy. But, don't worry, you'll always be with me...in my lungs specifically with how many packs I smoke.
I am the one who metastisizes.
Read this in the I AM THE DANGER SKYLAR Walter voice
I am A Cancer
oh, yeah? well, you have scorpio!
Dude! You never throw Scorpio out first! You have to let the others play first.
GET OVER HERE!
Yeeeess??
At least I’m not a Virgo still
I'm a 40 year old virgo
That one is funny.
This is the story of my life I'm a Scorpio but I had leukemia.
Is leukemia the one that looks like an aquatic goat?
*Uno Reverse Card*
I've been holding onto this card for years - it's the last of the deck and FINALLY I have a chance to use it. Phew! What a relief. Now, what were you saying Dr. Zodiac?
A serial killer with cancer? What are the chances
This. This right here. You get funny.
“On an unrelated note, where can I buy a gun?”
"Buy a bullet and rent a gun "
Nah, charge them both on the credit card
Oh that’s dark.
"Got a light?"
😂😂😂
"I always did like 'Breaking Bad',"
I am rubber, you are glue. What you say bounces off of me and sticks to YOU!
"the problem is you ain't got no bounce left, friend" ~Doc
"It's too late, doctor. I have already seized control of this poor man's brain. He never saw me coming. And while you were rattling on, I already spread to you. You're next."
I guess that'll grow on me
in
Ba dum bum
Well on the bright side, at least I don't have Alzheimers!
Well on the bright side, at least I don’t have Alzheimers!
Well on the bright side, at least I don’t have Alzheimers!
Well on the bright side, at least I don’t have Alzheimers!
Well on the bright side, at least I don’t have Alzheimers!
Well on the bright side, at least I don’t have Alzheimers!
Wait what did you say I have?
Do you have a can, sir?
Wait what did you say I have?
Not only do I have a can sir, I have two more.
What were we talking about, and who the hell are you?
I'm Dr Bellend, and I'm afraid you have cancer.
*gets home to spouse* "I think the doctor said I'm just fine."
I don’t have health insurance so I can’t pay your medical bill. I guess we both lose.
Either: No, the cancer has me. or: That's good. I needed to lose some weight.
I prefer the latter
I prefer a ladder
No, I don't have a can, and quit calling me "sir".
That's an entirely different kind of answer, altogether!
That's an entirely different kind of answer.
That's an entirely different kind of answer
Stop beating around the bush, just give it to me straight, doc!
Obligatory your mom joke.
Is it contagious? Can i go give it to my ex? Cuz if im going down im taking that bitch with me.
Well, on the bright side, I won’t have to deal with the mother in law for much longer
"Cans her? I hardly know her!"
Well, I'll be go to hell. They're gonna shave my beard! I'm gonna lose that damn bet! This is what my dad's response was. Then they figured out he had polyps in his nasal cavity, not cancer.
Not a fun surgery, hurt like hell.
¿He had his nose removed?
He was the inspiration for The Ghoul. . .
Does this mean I'm going to get some wildly good drugs.
Asking the real questions.
Bout time.
Oh thank god, I thought it was gas!
This one got me
Thats cancer?! I thought that was a third testicle!
But it’s in your chest …
Along with the rest of my testicles
So... can it get me out of jury duty?
Time for that sweet sweet go fund me cash.
“I’m so sorry Doc” *pulls out UNO reverse card*
Well Doc you only live once and this is awkward, but I think you’re really really really hot in a nerdy way. How bout you take that lab coat off and let me see those scrubs?
“Should’ve scheduled that MRI to find out why my liver cell count was abnormally high” -me six years ago
Should I call everyone I've had sex with and tell them to get tested?
Nah, I’m a Leo
I was just going to get a haircut, I guess now I don't have to.
That's only if it's treatable with chemo!!
"Welp, time to go fix Wasahington. I mean, what're they gonna do, amirite?"
Now the HIV has a little friend
Thank God, I thought it was something serious.... wait WHAT??
*quietly to yourself* Please let it being my rectum, let it be in my rectum, let it....
I don't want it. Keep it to your self.
Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!
“Thank you for your honesty, but why did you choose to tell me while holding my balls in your hand?” Immediately after “Sorry I’m hard by the way.”
"That's okay, your wife has AIDS."
"Do girls with cancer turn you on?"
Where do I pay the tax to make it go away? Or does that only work with climate change?
So I have a chance to win the Tour de France now?
Well I guess I should have waited before investing in that bulk bottle of Suave
Stop being so positive, doc. I call it CANTcer.
On a bright side the weight loss is gonna be epic
Thank Fucking GOD!!! How soon can I get up out this bitch!!!!
When I got cancer I wanted to talk my folks and tell them "I'm gay. no, not really. I have cancer.". But they would not have cared and they were in the last stages of their lives by then so the joke just didn't work.
Time to score some sympathy lays! What’s your dad’s number?
*evil witch hands* And I curse your descendants to have cancer for the next one thousand years, HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
So………uh, how about those Yankees! Looking pretty good, aren’t they?
"When I die I'm taking you with me"
No, I'm an Aries.
< to dad > "You bastard I knew I wasn't born in July!"
That's good. I thought it was something serious.
“That’s kind of mean, don’t you think? How would you feel if I told you *You have cancer* to your face?”
"PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG, NOW!!!"
Ackshually...I'm a Taurus.
"Ever fucked a dude with cancer? Want to?"
I'm not locked in here with cancer, cancer is locked in here with me!!!
OK. Now - what’s the bad news? 🥴
Is it edible?
Does that technology from Deadpool exist?
Suddenly, herpes doesn’t seem so bad.
Well I said, "Right, okeydokes." (24 hours later, I was told I was misdiagnosed and didn't have it).
I know, I'm married to it.
"Good. Now I can finally tell you how much I hate you." " ... you can get the mass taken out."
Finally, I have been waiting so long for the sweet release!
Nu - uh!!
There's a mustard stain on your tie
Thanks, you too!
Nu-uh
Well you can throw them shampoo and conditioner away… oh don’t forget the hair dryer
Turns to your girlfriend, “You busy later?”
So, I can start cooking meth, now?
Cancer, I thought I was a Capricorn
Enact self destruct protocol 3Alpha4
The same automatic response you give in the supermarket: "Thanks, you too."
Thanks. You too!
Let's have sex, you won't live long enough to regret it anyways.
And you're about to have AIDS
So, when can I get my medicinal marijuana card?
That hooker lied!
Yum
If I die, I'll haunt you for the rest of your days
Does cancer know about this?
Damn, that’s what my last 11 doctors said. Maybe lucky 13 will have a better answer. Don’t worry Doc, no one will ever see your report…
No I’m a Capricorn
Good, i needed to lose some weight...
“And I boned your dad last night!” Doctor: what? “Oh. I thought we were saying things that we didn’t want to hear.”
I picked a bad day to stop smoking.
This is going to save me so much money on my kids birthday presents
So do I get my oxycontin script now…or do I have to wait?
You’re a towel!
A can of what, Sir?
“Ok, now you’re just turning me on”
Oh that’s a relief, was worried for a minute there you’d tell me I’m ok, I’ve already started my gofundme page
Jesse, we need to cook!
You have mustard on your shirt.
Is that sexually transmittable?
Pull out an uno reverse card, no you have cancer!
"Finally"
Ten years ago, I was diagnosed with kidney cancer. I was surprised at how all of the doctors and nurses were walking on eggshells around me. I guess a lot of people get upset and angry when you tell them they have cancer. I decided to try to make them laugh, and said the first thing I could think of. "Can I name it Murphy?" "I'm sorry, what?" "The tumor. I want to name it Murphy. That way I can shake my fist and say Damn you, Murphy!" I have no idea where that idea came from, but it did make them laugh.
Well parden my French but I'll be damned 🤠
"I've been told I don't have long to live... what're you doing later?"
Finally
Wow. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit meth amphetamines.
Your daughter looks hot.
Thank god
Double it and give it to the next person.
“Just because I am a cancer doesn’t mean I have cancer. Didn’t you ever see Pulp Fiction?”
Phew and here I thought the aids I gave you was going to kill me
That’ll show ‘em.
My ex’s parent told them they had colon cancer. Ex responded “Well, that’s shitty” They both laughed.
I laughed because I wanted the doctor to be joking so badly. Then I cried.
I probably wasn't listening, so I probably said "that's nice, buddy."
Canc-er? I hardly know 'er!
No. YOU have Cancer!
I've got to learn how to make meth!!
Well it's about fucking time, how soon do I get to die since blatant suicide is illegal.
“Hey, what’s this in my pocket?” *pulls out Uno reverse card.*
Shit. Pity fuck?
Is it heart attack serious
*Start chuckling to yourself and pull out your phone* “so many people are gonna owe me money when I die”
*pulls out Uno Reverse card*
I’m relieved. For a moment I thought you said I had Alzheimer’s
I’m already bald, how much worse is this gonna get?
wait your telling me your wife gave me cancer
I knew I should've smuggled that uranium for the bomb in a lead lined case!
tell your Doc “no you do”
"And I have a bucket list about a kilometer long. Wanna fuck?"
Well obviously that's my zodiac sign but what are my results doc?
[удалено]
Does that turn you on? Hmmmm?
Well, that’s a relief.
Is it just me or does anyone else have a hard on right now due to the cancer?
Yessss!
“Time to sell my house, hit the strip clubs and look for a bridge!” (Forgive me 😬🥹)
I’m rubber, you’re glue…
Finally!!!
I am cancer… a cancer
Congratulations on the milestone
Can I eat it?
No I'm a Leo
I have many cans. Don't call me sir.