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Im so sorry. Nobody should ever say that about their child, it’s awful. you aren’t dumb. And you deserve better than to be treated like that.
Your mom has problems. I don’t know exactly what they are, but her problems aren’t your responsibility to diagnose or fix.
You’ve spent enough of your life burdened with trying to figure her out, you need to focus on yourself, and getting around people who respect and value you.
I hate how reddit just always encourages people to cut ties with close family members. It's absolutely toxic.
Step one should never be to distance and avoid. Step one should always be confrontation, talking to her and trying to solve the problem before anything. Never take advice on relationships from reddit.
Next post, "my daughter is constantly expressing bad judgment. She is smart, and has an engineering degree, but still does dumb things. I tell her, but she ignores me and continues on."
Reddit: Your daughter is toxic, sever all ties with her 🤣
Sure, maybe you're not insulted but when I struggle with something every day for my whole childhood, it kind of pisses me off when someone baselessly accuses me of defending the very thing that almost ruined my entire life and future.
Well OP has tried your way and it's not working. She's challenging her mother's comments about her being stupid and an idiot yet getting stonewalled on a response. If it's so obvious to her mother, why does her mother clam up every time she asks for explanation?
You're gaslighting someone going through the exact thing that you went through, why?
I agree with you; but I don't think it's a good idea to start throwing around terms like "gaslighting" because using them randomly during arguments waters them down. Disagreeing with someone is not gaslighting them.
Then why are you defending someone being abusive? My mother was very similar to OPs. She consistently doubted my intelligence and would make comments about how I'm a know it all but only in my head. Repeatedly saying that to someone is abusive. They are allowed to distance themselves if the abusive person continuously repeats abusive behavior.
OP has tried to talk to her mother countless times and the woman won't elaborate. Abusive.
I'm not at all defending it. I'm saying you should confront these people. Why? Because maybe it could turn out better in the end. What's better to you - a good mother or no mother? The answer is obvious. A good one, so why don't you try to work it out and get a good one? Instead of just jumping to the easiest possible answer and give up.
I've confronted my parents multiple times, one of them changed and the other did not, the other stayed the same so ties are cut. But you are a loser, if all you do is run away and can't actually face your issues. The sooner people realize that the sooner their lives get better.
Yes, you are allowed to leave, but how would her mother know it's abusive? If she means it that way then yeah go ahead but what if she thinks it's just a joke? Would distancing really be the right answer? No not at all.
Can't believe I have to explain this stuff, this is elementary. Reddit really does not represent society at all. Thank God that I didn't grow up to be such a brat that I can't try to solve issues
OP asked why, she didn't answer. That's not much effort is it?
If you honestly think my first action was to cut contact with my mother, you know absolutely nothing. I tried. Of course I tried. It's my mom. But some people don't change. And I was sick of being belittled and scorned by a woman who was just insecure and refused to change.
Confronting abusive parents can work or it can leave you getting the shit smacked out of you. I'm glad you were able to talk to your parents and one changed. When I talked to my parents, one punched me and pulled my hair and the other told me I deserved it for talking back.
The fact that you don't realize how dangerous it is for some people to confront their abusers shows you live in a little bubble of your own making where everything works out in the end. It doesn't work that way for everyone. It's not being a brat to protect yourself against abusers. Shame on you.
Get out of here with this godawful take. Wishful thinking doesn’t help anyone.
Abusive people cannot be reasoned with. Abuse is inherently irrational. It is always better to prioritize the victims mental health and safety over the zero chance of a parent/spouse/sibling/etc. will suddenly change their ways in some Disney moment.
I know people have opinions about Jordan Peterson and I totally understand that some people won’t want to listen to him, and I understand that others will.
But he has a great— strictly psychological— perspective on this exact issue. It’s purely from his work in psychology, but not political or anything else.
Look it up sometime. It’s about dealing with toxic parents, or gauging how someone reacts to you when you share with them. It’s solid, seriously.
Not everyone is confrontational.
Me? I definitely am. I hate discomfort and uncertainty so I will be direct about a situation, but some people are not. In my comment, I never said to cut off the mom just limit the access she has to her.
Actually there is no reason that anyone should have to take abusive behavior nor is it the OPs responsibility to correct that behavior. The OP should take care of themselves by seeking out people who accept them for who they are and not waste their time on people who do not even show basic decency.
And the alternative is...? To just be belittled by your family day in and day out? To just take it like a pathetic fuck?
One of the best things I ever learned in life is that family is just a collection of related people. That's it. There's no mystical force. There's nothing magical about being related. Forcing yourself to interact with assholes isn't good for you, regardless of relations.
Would you put up with an acquaintance being a dick? Would you try to salvage that relationship? Why does family get a special pass to treat you like a punching bag? Because you've known them forever? If they want to fuck around, than they can fuck right off.
No, the alternative is quit being a baby and confront them. A "pathetic fuck" runs from their problems because they're too scared to face them.
Why is that the best thing you learned in life? What makes you think that it was the best decision you could have made?
Why would you try to salvage that relationship? Because life isnt just about you. Unless you're selfish and thats obviously a horrible path of life to gp down.
If that person loves you, but is bad at showing it, and is just not aware that they're hurting you? And its their way of messing with you? Not guaranteed at all, infact it's not very likely; but if it is, and they can become a loving person that youve worked through your problems with. And those relationships are the strongest relationships you'll ever have, I have the experience. If not, and they won't change, then you can move on. At least you can tell yourself that you are the bigger person, willing to forgive but they spat in your face. So dust off your shoes and move on.
I am forgiving to those who are willing to change, you'll never be happy if you can't let your anger go, so by giving them a chance to do better by confronting them, you are doing your part and can alleviate that hate. Which greatly improved my life.
Please, don't take what I say the wrong way. If you don't understand something, just ask. Your last comment was very childish, and I expect better from you if you want to have an actual conversation.
As someone who's had abusive friendships, and an abusive household, I believe my opinion is very valuable as I turned out great in my opinion.
The right answer should be to seek professional help (therapy) and give more context. One Reddit post is not enough to identify who is right and who is wrong. For all we know OP is a raging alcoholic.
It’s her mother. Cutting her out of her life is not a good solution. Life is shorter than we realise and family is important.
I’m sure they can work it out if they try to. Clearly her mum isn’t great at communicating but it helps to try to understand where the other person is coming from. Understanding their perspective, having patience and trying to work on communication.
No, ActonofMAM is right. You limit sharing what’s going on in your life and what you’re thinking and what you want when it comes to a person who will constantly put you down.
And if possible, you get away from them. And the. You wait. If they reach out, explain why you’re separating yourself from them. If they take issue, then you know the kind of person they are.
Then they can try working it out. Psychologically speaking, this is how you deal with a situation like this.
You didn’t suggest setting a boundary. You suggested ghosting her. Setting a boundary involves communicating and expressing your feelings. Outlining what you are or aren’t ok with and giving the other person a chance to respond. You have to communicate with people.
If things don’t change it’s ok for OP to assess how close she wants to be with her mother and she can always walk away from her when she uses that word and say the reason why.
But shutting her mum out without letting her know how her behaviour impacts her would be very abrupt.
Idk maybe she can say something like “mum when you say I’m dumb it hurts my self esteem and makes me question myself. I value our relationship and want to feel supported. I know you care about me and just want me to have a good life but when you use words like that when you’re frustrated/worried/ instead of communicating properly it has the opposite effect and makes me doubt myself. I want us to have a better relationship.”
She can even write it in a text or a letter if she wants to make it easier.
I disagree. I had an abusive mother, and I tried to improve communication and did therapy with her for years. I couldn’t begin to heal properly until I cut her out of my life completely. I’ve made far more progress in the few years since I’ve cut off communication than I did in decades of trying to improve our relationship.
You can’t change abusers, and trying to change other people is a huge waste of time and energy.
I hope OP manages to cut their losses and gets away from their abuser. The old “_But it’s your mother_” excuse is what their mother is counting on and relies upon in order to keep the power in the relationship.
I hate when people use the "life is short!" Argument. Yes, life is short- why would I spend my short life around people that are verbally abusive, put me down, pretend they're giving constructive criticism but they're only insulting me on a regular basis with no actual constructive criticism?
Life is too short to let yourself be abused. We should enjoy our short lives, not put up with shitty people because of familial obligation.
Life is short, I'm surrounding myself with people who make my life better, not little who hurt me on a regular basis.
What I meant is that life is short and tragedies can happen. The future is never guaranteed and they might not be here tomorrow.
I get that every situation and dynamic of every family relationship is different but you might feel regretful for not at least trying to reconcile with a loved one while they were still alive, if something happened.
And I might feel regretful if I realize I spent my whole life letting family verbally and emotionally abused me.
It's not a good argument. Life is short, don't be around people who treat you terribly.
You're mother is abusive. I don't know if you recognize that or not. I would recommend doing your best to avoid her if possible.
My mother abused me in similar ways. Never had a good thing to say about me. Never complimented me. Never told me she was proud. It was always just complaining. I broke contact at 25 and it was the best thing I ever did.
Awful person: "You're this negative quality"
You: Tell me what is wrong so I can fix it"
Awful person: "No, you should know what I mean, the fact that I have to tell you my thoughts is your fault , not mine"
How close were we?
It ain't you, its her.
Like I can read your mind lol. That is a narcissistic parent if I've ever seen one. I wish parents understood how that thinking really messed up their kids.
That's abuse. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
Move out as soon as you can. Start limiting your time with her.
That's what I had to do with my abusive dad.
Best wishes
People that genuinely care for you will build you up they won't try to tear you down. Now listen cause this next part is important. She can still love you and be too confused with herself to really understand how to show it. There's so much social pressure, conditioning, and indoctrination it's really hard to meet people that see through the fog of these labels. The institutions enforce this curated perception of reality for their gain and profit despite knowing they can be harmful if you are overly dependent on them for your perception of the world and others, but profits > people in our current civilization.
That is to say, can you get far away from her and go low to no contact?
If somebody keeps vaguely claiming you're stupid but can't support why, then they're just trying to condition you to FEEL stupid. This is a massive red flag, this person's opinions should be disregarded and devalued
Your mom is likely jealous of you and trying to knock down your self esteem a bit.
Sounds like you're a engineer and she doesn't understand engineers. Y'all are a unique group of people and tend to think differently than others. You see things differently than we do and can do things we can't but sometimes don't have the most common set of social skills and that's okay and totally normal because you're an engineer and engineers are engineers.
Put it back on her. Say, *"It hurts me when you call me stupid. Please stop it."*
> Say, "It hurts me when you call me stupid. Please stop it."
My family's response to this when I told them as a toddler and aged up: "but we're only kidding/you're too (fill in the blank")/"we're trying to toughen you up"
Sounds like a control measure to make sure she stays relevant and needed.
She may be doing it unconsciously, not necessarily with intent and malice, but as long as she stays smarter than you you will always need her.
If she encourages you to thrive you will grow up and leave, if she puts you down you will never get the confidence to live your own life and you will be forced to stay close to her.
It’s cruel that she says this to you. Made worse by the fact she won’t elaborate. By her not explaining further, it serves to amplify the feeling she gives you of being dumb. Everytime she keeps you in the dark on this, it serves to make you feel like her statement of being dumb is true. But it’s not. It’s a manipulation based on her own issues.
I bet you are brilliant in all sorts of ways. Your mother doesn’t know how to handle this. You might be better than her in every sense and she can’t handle the jealousy or isn’t ready to part with you yet.
She could be acting deliberately or entirely from her subconscious. She may not even realise the effect that these words are having and may not have any idea why she says it. (Based on your intuition and other interactions you will probably have some idea whether she is deliberately being cruel or whether she is just waffling and being offhanded.)
Don’t believe her though. Parents program their kids with all sorts of things. They instill their values and their ideas into us. They have the primary role in shaping how we see the world and that includes how we view outselves. But just because she has been a form of authority in your life and has taught you many things, does not mean she is an authority on this. She’s wrong about you being dumb. Do what you can to find ways to remind yourself of this.
Good luck, I hope you find confidence despite what she has been telling you and I hope you feel vibrant, aware and intelligent within yourself no matter what she says.
I heard somewhere that when parenting, parents should enforce positive feedback... because when telling to the children that you're stupid, you're dumb, you're worthless... those messages will be stuck inside the subconsciousness so... you're already a grown up and aware of yourself... it's up to you to get rid of those comments from everyone, even from your female progenitor.
This is the opposite belief from a lot of parents. They believe criticism encourages improvement and wanting their approval so it motivates you, while positive feedback just blows up their ego and they become worse.
you can always clapback.
When I was younger and my mom would insult me that im stupid, I would always answer either " elephant mom will only give birth to elephant baby" or "that's how I know you are my mom".
it takes her awhile to realize I'm insulting her with her own insult.
but seriously, you might want to ask your friends or siblings if you are socially inept. they might be more impartial.
That’s called gaslighting. It’s toxic behavior. Trying to make you believe there a faults where none exist.
Separate yourself from her as much as you can. She wants you to fail. To doubt yourself and not have the confidence
You aren't stupid, you are abused. I am so sorry you have been abused by your mother all this time and now you're 25 and it's still happening. I would get away from her. Can you not? Are you in a culture where you are expected to live at home? You need boundaries. Like... keep her at a safe distance until you can rebuild your self-esteem. That may take therapy.
You aren't dumb, you're sheltered like you said. She did that raising you and refuses to acknowledge her impact on your life. My mom did the same with me and it's annoying. I had to call her out on it before she acknowledged it. Turns out she had a lot going on with anxiety raising me and sheltered me to keep me safe. Turns out it only hurt me long term. You have no reason to worry if you are realizing this now, you can grow. The biggest thing is you are aware of it now. I personally put up with it for years but me calling it out helped me move in the right direction. As your mom, she shouldn't be saying such terrible things. A good parent should help their children if they think they need guidance rather than bully them.
Sounds like neurodivergent vs. a neurotypical trying to assert their perceived superiority (or place in a hierarchy).
You're "dumb" because you don't intuitively know how to navigate that hierarchy.
Your mom (or any neurotypical) spelling any of that out would also threaten that hierarchy, so it's enforced as unspoken rules.
That was my first thought also. I have a sibling that's autistic-ish and they are academically smart but socially clumsy. Like for example, when someone is discussing a serious or emotional topic, my sibling will disrupt the flow of conversation to correct someone's grammar. My sibling is a stickler for grammar and genuinely thinks they are helping people improve by correcting mistakes, but there's a time and a place for that, and correcting someone when they're discussing a car accident is not the time for that. I've had to pull them aside and explain basic social etiquette stuff like this because it doesn't come naturally to them.
She may just be jealous. And opinionated. You could have a social problem, but if so there's really no point in just telling you you're stupid, with no constructive information. My older brother was like this a lot when I was a kid, and I believed him. But now I'm pretty sure he was just being angry and controlling. He and my mom have anxiety, and it came out as them worrying a lot about random things, like me wearing the wrong color dress for the season. They were constantly telling me "don't wear / do / say that, it's weird". Really it was more about their neuroses than mine.
It takes confidence and experience to develop socially. You probably don't have that much to be insecure about. Especially if your peer group is engineers, lol. A few of the men I met in my 20s at my software job made me feel so small, and looking back it was pointless because they were absolute losers and they were the ones who deserved to feel stupid.
I'm 35 now, and my family still tries to talk to me that way sometimes, but it doesn't worry me as much more, because I've realized they're the foolish ones. They just don't understand that other people can be different than them and want different things. Their minds are too small. Just keep trying and communicating with your friends. Do your best, and don't let your brain call you names. You don't deserve it.
Yeah, my mom is like this too. Because we have different personalities and I’m introverted while she extroverted. She would criticize me for not being competitive and cunning enough, socially. That I’m “too nice” and that society see nice people as stupid.
I think she’s probably very jealous of you and *she* feels dumb around you so she knocks down your confidence to make herself feel better. You’re not dumb. And even the way you downplay your own achievements seemingly without noticing tells me this has been going on for a long time and she has successfully worn down your confidence. Get away from her and realize just how incredible you are. Masters degree in engineering at 25 and being a successful woman in a male-driven industry is fucking incredible and you should be very proud of yourself. I’m sorry your own mother has torn you down so much. I hope you have a partner or someone on your side who constantly lifts you up and reminds you how amazing you are.
You're an engineer, so it's not that surprising that you don't understand why she's saying what she is saying. With that said, it's pretty rude and disrespectful to speak like that to anyone, especially your child. Your mother probably struggles to connect with you emotionally, and I imagine that's been a sore point for most of your life once you demonstrated brilliance in education versus social intelligence.
You only get one mother, so I would suggest that you tell her how these comments make you feel and ask for a change of behavior. Don't let Reddit tell you to get rid of your mother.
Your mom is threatened by having a more successful daughter that she doesn't understand. She can't explain why you're dumb because she knows it's not true. She's just belittling you to make herself feel better.
She is just not worth being around, sadly. She's a chain dragging your self-esteem down.
Tell her, "I'm smart enough not to waste any more time listening to your nastiness," and go no contact.
If she does some soul searching and proves she's changed, maybe allow her back in your life slowly.
Also, get some therapy if you can. It will improve your life and is well worth it as you benefit from the gains for the rest of your life.
My mother does this EXACT thing. I have always been successful. Army, college, career, wife, and everything. I have made no poor decisions, I have worked my way to millionaire by age 40. I never asked her for an ounce of help. I have great friends and am good in networking and social settings. But she will still call me stupid or just tell me I can't do something. I always just laugh and go do it.
My theory is she wants to bring me down because my younger brother, her favorite, is a complete failure and heroine addict. He got kicked out of the Army, dropped out of college, and got fired from jobs she set up for him. She still tries to say all the time we are equally accomplished and talented and shit like that. Makes no fucking sense.
She tells everyone both her sons are war heroes (neither of us are) but my brother got kicked out right after basic for drugs and didn't even leave the country. I did two combat tours as infantry and have 13 medals. It's honestly all so insane.
I think the older generations learned a lot and were much more mature while growing up and the younger generations were a lot more sheltered and had much less life experience. So the older generations did not teach much to their kids socially, assuming they would just pick up on things the way they did but that has not happened, so they see us as dumb. She can’t explain why to you because it’s how she sees you overall, and she’s not going to start teaching you things that she sees as obvious stuff like you’re a child when you’re 25.
One thing I've come to appreciate working in STEM is that people who are good at STEM jobs are typically smart, lucid people outside of STEM as well. The stereotype of skill in STEM and interpersonal skill being a zero sum is incorrect.
Snap back with *You're dumb!* and see how she likes that thrown back in her face. Make sure to make unbreaking eye contact to see her full reaction to this, its paramount you make strong unnerving eye contact. It's not an endearing comment to make, and i would be insulted off the bat personally.
There is a difference between book smarts and street smarts.
Book smarts can be learned from a book, street smarts can only be learned from experience.
The only dumb thing is your mother. We all learn and grow as we get older and that includes adapting to social situations. I still cringe *and I know I'm not the only one* over some of the things I said/did at your age.
Dumb people call other people dumb without explaining why. In any case, no truly caring and loving parent does that to their own child (including grown ones)... it creates a wall and unnecessary friction between the two. My recommendation: since your mother is being a constant negative influence on your well-being, you need to create a safe haven for yourself, so you can heal. Limit contact with her (and negative influences in general) as much as you can, live far away if possible, find positive and supportive friends, see a counselor (if you can afford one), focus on taking good care of yourself via a healthy diet and exercise. It can take years, but things tend to get better.
She might have her own issues that need attention, and you’re the familiar object of her derision. Lots of young people feel like you do in social settings, but your Mom undermining you doesn’t help at all.
You certainly come across as well spoken in print, with your thoughts well collected and well presented.
It might be time to give your Mom some space while you take care of yourself.
Best wishes to you.
You need to move out of the house. If you've already moved out, you need to tell your mother that you're not going to visit her if she keeps insulting you. Tell her that a loving mother doesn't say that to their kid.
I just turned 48 last week. I unfortunately only finally realized that by having called me dumb my entire life, my mother has been projecting. I actually feel dumb for having taken this long to figure it out. She has never been able to follow simple conversations, news items, plot lines, etc. while I graduated from an elite university!
Is it possible that the same could be going on with you? That maybe your mother might not be too bright? I realize that is one heck of a jarring question, but clearly this IS something that does occasionally happen.
That’s a major bummer and totally unacceptable (in my opinion), if she’s saying that to you seriously, not in jest, and often.
I’m not a parent, but shouldn’t one empower their kids and make them feel good about themselves!?!? (with OBVIOUS caveats).
I’m definitely the guy that would say it in jest to my 19 year old son “don’t be an idiot dude! Dumbass”, at appropriate times- they tried some miscalculated prank, tipped zero percent needlessly after taking me out to dinner, or broke their friends hand while drunk or something.
Know this - it’s not true. (I mean, maybe it is - JOKING), but you know yourself. You know what’s true. I guess just take this as tough love? (Without knowing more). I think that’s the best way to reconcile the situation, especially if the rest of your relationship is solid. Hopefully she just wants the best for you.
Be more to the point with your response- “I don’t appreciate when you say that, I don’t call you stupid,” “I feel really bad when you call me stupid, please don’t, and just help me out.”
Honestly I would jab back and rip a couple of boomer jokes.
Rise above the negativity.
My mom used to do this too when I was in middle school. Would call me an idiot and when I’d defend myself with evidence that hey, maybe I am a bit smart, she’d call me egoistic. Needless to say, I don’t talk to her anymore. There were so many clues growing up that seemed so tiny but all added up to this big thing of her being a not very good person. I’d say, think back to your times in childhood and whether other behaviours come up like this where she tries to bring you down. Take notice from there.
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".
So there's two things to consider here.
1. You're academically gifted. Unfortunately, a lot of academically gifted individuals are well... not very gifted outside of academics. Street smarts, emotional intelligence, and social skills are often lacking. This can cause less academic individuals to view you as stupid.
2. Your mother is not academically gifted and is jealous of you and therefore trying to bring you down and belittle you and your accomplishments.
The solution is the first is to simply embrace being a bit goofy and weird. Fuck being normal, normal is boring. The solution to the second can be either easy or difficult depending on you and your situation. Simply cut the cancer out.
She's trying to knock you down. Sounds like jealousy.
If she truly thought you had problems socially and wanted to help, she would point out what you're doing "wrong," and show you how to fix or change issues. She wouldn't just call you dumb and laugh.
She’s a bully. That’s what mean girls do. It’s hard to see, but it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. She has some kind of problem and is maybe threatened by your success. That sucks that your own mother is saying these things to you. Please do not believe her even though it is probably hard. Distance yourself as much as possible. She sounds manipulative. Even if it’s not her intention to be manipulative and she is too unfiltered that’s not something normal she should be saying to anyone. She’s not being helpful, just judging.
This is terrible behavior on your mother’s part, and it’s absolutely not acceptable. It’s also not a surprise that you’ve been feeling insecure for a long time— your own mother is tearing you down. Please consider finding yourself a good therapist and perhaps reconsider the relationship you have with your mom. You can keep her at arms length and she can’t do shit about it.
Even if you were making some sort of social faux pas, there is a way to guide you that doesn’t involve insulting you. In fact she’s a bit dumb for not being able to articulate what the problem is! Perhaps she’s jealous that you’re brighter than her.
You are smart, handled your business etc. now go about your career and the rest of life.
Theres nothing wrong with being sheltered, naive, awkward etc at your age. It's actually a good thing.
Usually indicates you had a decent home life/parents, took school seriously and handled your business.
Now you have the engineering degree and job, its time to learn the other parts of life.
You have friends. You go do things with them it sounds . If you were all socially awkward and totally weird people would tend to leave you out.
The thoughts in your head aren't what others see, it's what you think they see.
They aren't analyzing your behavior or level of nervous thinking yup, I knew it shes sheltered. Have to stop hanging out with her.
No one really notices, focuses on that or cares. But your mom is probably comparing her at 25 to you can't believe the difference.
So next time she calls you dumb just say I'm sorry I wasn't out whoring the streets like most my age. She'll get the point.
Then tell her not to call you stupid again if she won't say why.
You're an adult. An engineer. I've say at many conference room tables with engineers, managers, directors of a plant. I know what those are like. If you can navigate that world you are ok socially.
You may be incredibly naieve, you may not, we don't really have enough information to tell for sure. But what I CAN tell you is your mother should never be putting you down like that and the fact that she is makes her a crappy mom.
To parents most kids are dumb and most cases it means they do not have common sense when it comes to life which what she probably is trying to say but she is dumb one if she can explain herself
You stay positive no matter what
You need to work towards getting to a point where you don't care what your mother says anymore. It is possible. You do it by stopping yourself from checking to see if what she said is true or not - meaning, don't ask yourself, "What did I do to cause her to say that about me, and is it true?" Instead, remind yourself that you already know she says horrible things. She has a problem, not you. When she's saying one of her rude comments, think of it like it's her illness flaring up. Feel sorry for her and her terrible communication skills. Feel sorry for her because she stoops that low.
It doesn't matter what she says because she is crazy.
You don't deserve to be talked to like this.
Story time: when I was younger, my great grandmother (we called her Nana) was still alive and I would go to the nursing home to spend time with her. I was a chunky kid and my Nana would make comments. As I got a little older, I didn't want to spend time with her and hear her comments about my body.
Now I'm 28F and Aunt told me just a few years ago that she told Nana "you can act and say whatever you want in this life but when people don't want to spend time with you and talk to you the only you have to look in the mirror is yourself"
Moral of the story, you are 25. You stated you are educated with a degree. Don't let anyone put you down including your mother.
I have a different outlook on family. Just because you have a title doesn't mean anything. If I wouldn't allow a friend, associate, coworker, class mate talk to me like that you sure TF aren't either.
Of course, not telling you to cut off your mom, maybe just limit how much access she has to you and if or when she starts questioning why you haven't been around or talked as often as before, Stay it with your WHOLE CHEST!!
Good luck girlfriend !
She's why. She'll tell you, ya fucked up. She won't tell you how? Fucking great lesson mom thanks for the Ted talk. Improve your intake of data by taking to a wall.
Pin her down on details or tell her to shut the fuck up.
Or she might be ignorant. The western ignorance that says "Send your kids to university " then "modern science is misguided."
The reason my kid would struggle to change his oil...is that I never taught him how to. Fortunately, I'm still here.
Next time, ask her, "Oh? Which of the things you never taught me, do I not know?"
Poopyhead.
Have those situations ever been an issue beside your mother's comment? If so, you could try to walk trough what happened from other people's perspective to get an idea socially of how you might have appeared.
But aside from that, you got a masters. You went to school and put up with classmates and professors and graduated. You're socially functional. And absolutely nobody is normal, so that's as good as it gets! If you're getting along with everyone else fine, then ***you're*** not a problem.
I know plenty of people who are academically smart but still not very intelligent. The world is filled with those types of people. Just look at Ann Coulter. Sorry if this doesn't help your situation. But don't make the assumption that just because someone is smart academically that they are smart in general.
And saying this, I'm going to be very surprised if I don't get banned from the subreddit after pressing the post button. Oh well
Here is what I usually have to tell folks when their OWN parents ask me to talk to their kids about giving advice to them about how tot be successful.. "Rule no. 1... DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR PARENTS SAY." To the chagrin of parents out there they are NO all knowing and not correct. This coming from a parent myself.
Your parent is an idiot!
You are OBVIOUSLY intelligent as you asked your mom for specifics of what makes you "dumb" and she showed she is full of proverbial sh%t by not being able to answer. It is hard for a child to admit this but your parents often have their OWN issues and they project them through you. Not fair. Don't believe it.
My advice... Imagine your mom as a bully at school trying to keep you down. Don't let her. You be strong and speak up. EveryONE in life says dumb things in life that is nothing new. So even if you do that is nothing new. The worst is if you become hesitant and stop speaking up/ out and become shy. Don't. Especially as a woman in this world. You need your voice!! I have a daughter and the world is not fair and you need your voice to stand up for yourself!
What type of situation does this happen in? When you are with friends; when you’re telling a story to only her; out grocery shopping; just sitting around at home? What’s generally going on when she says this? I don’t want to jump to conclusions with the picture you initially painted. Can you add more to the canvas?
I can't officially say because it really would depend on the situation. But from a general perspective, I'd say she probably just wants you to put more thought into the basics in life. I don't mean that in a harsh way, but sometimes we over complicate our lives and end up losing out on some of the general knowledge. Don't take this the wrong way, but for example, I'm chating with someone who has a master's degree and uses commas in her sentences but not capital letters at the start of them. Chances are you wrote this post using majority emotion, and it shows through in your words. Chances are she just wants you to slow it down in life. It's not a race. Take the time to view things from different perspectives instead of just one. As far as chatting and being with other people, don't give a hoot about them, just be your self and work on your confidence. Idk if any of this helped because realistically with out someone being with you in person, we really don't know the full story. But I do wish you the best of luck.
Because you are not dumb!! She can’t give you a reason for a lie. I’m 50 and wish I’d done this 25 years ago but you gotta cut her loose! Trust me!! Your future self and her mental heath and physical health depends on it!! It’s a big deal so I’m making sure I stress it enough. You have to find a way to go no contact. There’s lots of groups to help.
When our parents are long gone we still have to live on this Earth! You have to be ok when they are gone! If you can’t find peace with NC now you won’t recognize yourself later.
Something is wrong with what your mom is doing, and I wonder if she's a little bit jelly. Is your therapist helping you with this? Because it will be a challenge for you to maintain your positive self-concept, but it's very important. I have been considered smart all my life but I couldn't get an engineering degree if the whole world depended on it.
Oh my gosh. Maybe I can understand if she said it out of frustration once. But to continuously say it. It sounds like she may be going through something and taking it out on you. You and only you can accept how a person makes you feel. I don’t think anyone is perfect at communicating or being social period.
I’ve met so many people throughout my lifetime and never felt there was a wrong way to the social scene. I think if anything it should be a teaching moment for your mom to show you, if it was a problem she cared to help you with.
Don’t allow someone else’s insecurities to bombard your personal space. Your personal space should be protected whether they are family or not. You are important to this world and opinions from others are not your truth.
If you need to step away from certain people because of their lower energy level, so be it. Life isn’t about enduring pain along the way. We will experience some pain but we do have a choice to deal with it or not.
Sending you love and light!
My mother did this to me constantly. I'm the first person on either side of my family to go to and graduate college. I have a bachelor's and a masters degree. Every so often I still manage to convince myself that I'm dumb and worthless and it's because of my mother's continued barbs at my intelligence.
She went the opposite way tho. When we would be talking about something related to my degree, she would say something incorrect or would be confused about something and god forbid I try to explain something to her. If I tried I was a know it all who actually knew nothing and an expensive piece of paper didn't mean anything to her. Other than the fact that I wasted my money on something stupid.
Now she will cry to anyone who will listen about how her terrible daughter cut her out of her life and she can't figure out why. She was always so supportive!!! /s
Your mother is threatened by you. And she says these things to make you insecure and unhappy because she is a deeply insecure and unhappy person. That's not what a good mother does.
Did your mom have these chances at her age to be as educated as you..???
You have every chance to be self-sufficient, and your mom is taking that away from you
Hope you wake tf up and stay away from her..
You're mom's just a bitch. Probably jealous AF of you. But, honestly, just ask her. Next time she says that ask her exactly what she means. And keep probing her until she either explains herself or gets frustrated and leaves. Repeat every time.
It sounds like your mom is depressed or something and projecting. She’s probably curious how you can be happy and comfortable and explains it to herself as “oh she must be stupidly unaware” or something along those lines.
Those words are incredibly impactful and hurtful coming from anyone let alone your own mother. It’s going to take some work, but try not to let her projections penetrate. It sounds like she’s already had a huge impact on your social anxieties. Anxieties that stem from your mothers own unhappiness, not anything to do with you.
You’re 25 and perhaps your mother is trying to keep you as her little daughter longer and longer by making you out to be inept, but that behavior from her will actually create resentment and push you away.
Everyone is clueless in society, people that pretend they have it all figured out and know everything and are never weird or socially awkward EVER are people I hate being around. Self assured assholes that generally pretend to be better than others and project judgement. Innocence and kindness can be confused as dumb, sheltered and clueless by the wrong people.
Just be thankful you’re academically smart and can get away from her. My mother told me this for years and warned me against doing certain things…she turned out to be right.
I think you should keep a log of when she says something and include what provoked it.
This may help you identify the actions that trigger hers better.
But any mother who says this without explanation is failing their child. If there is a good reason, it sounds like she should talk to you about your potential naivety, to help protect you from a shitty world.
If it's just based on her shortcomings and insecurities you may need to confront her. Or maybe even help HER...
Id be interested in knowing your ethnicity and whether or not your parent is 1st generation or local to a nation other than us? I've noticed that foreign parents, especially Indian or Chinese parents, are super critical and kind of dickish.
Sounds like your mom is projecting and insecure of her own daughters intelligence. How sad. I would distance myself from her, I know it's hard but as someone that has been in that same situation that type of insecurity that happens because of someone constantly saying things like that is very hard to break.
This is not how a healthy parent with good intentions behaves—period. She is silent because she’s only interested in the damage of the remark. She does acknowledge your academic/professional success, imagine that can’t be used as a weapon since there’s evidence to support it, is it possible she’s envious of that? The fact that she uses a statement that you’re likely to agree with and trust, such as professional success, and then follows it up with such a damaging comment—more likely to be believed and accepted. That seems a little more like a set up and there’s a few people that will do that—a manipulator is one of them. Has she ever shown signs of jealousy or envy in any other circumstances or with anyone else? What a shame it is that a person with such power and influence such as that of a parent would yield it to cause their own child to intentionally suffer for any reason. Sadly if her intention is sinister, and I suspect that much, recognize her intentions and devalue them internally. Words are only powerful if we give them value—be well!
That’s just bullying and likely projecting her own insecurities around you. Since you have objectively proven that you are not, in fact, dumb- recognize what it is- a false statement based on a perception that is not based in reality. She can’t explain why, because to do so would mean confronting her own insecurities.
You might have to boldly confront her about it once and get it out of both your systems.
“Mom, I am highly educated with a graduate level degree. I passed each challenging class I took for many years to earn that degree. I m educated in a field that you cannot master if you are stupid. There are lots of smart people who can’t handle engineering. I can. I am clearly not stupid. I am also smart enough to know, no good parent in this world ever says that repeatedly to their child. It is harmful and unkind. I am intelligent enough to know that I should no longer tolerate that. Be aware, if you chose to say that again, I will leave your presence for the day or immediately hang up the phone. I don’t care if it a Christmas, Thanksgiving or an ordinary day. That includes whatever you choose to say when I’m done speaking now. It’s not ok for you to say that I’m stupid, and that is how I will respond and set my boundaries. Now that I have made myself clear, I would expect that you never say that to me again.”
It's a tough reality, but when we get to a certain age (or for more dysfunctional parents, all their kid's life) jealousy can be very real. You may have gotten the educational opportunities she wished she had and now she may feel insecure that you may have out grown your need for her guidance so she simply makes critiques that she knows she doesn't have evidence of. If it was true, I would think she would tell you why so she can guide you. Just my two cents though since I've seen other daughters struggle with this.
Might not be the case for this, but when I confronted my mom about almost this exact thing (it took a very heated discussion), she said it was because she was upset that I was smarter than her and she wanted to make me feel dumb to compensate
Whether she is meaning to or not doesn't matter she is mentally abusing you. She might be a narcissist or whatever other mental condition so she might be trying to put you down in order to make herself feel better about herself. She might be one of those weirdos that likes causing people pain. Some people just like to spread misery. You might remind her of what she failed at in life. You should seek some mental health treatment be a psychiatrist and or therapist. Even if say you're on the spectrum so might not be great socially what she is doing is still abuse and there is no excuse for it. You need to set firm boundaries with your mom and don't be afraid to cut toxic people out of your life if it escalates and she won't stop treating it that way. My personal favorite two people like her that gaslight is to do it back. Start randomly calling her dumb and give her the same silent treatment and ignore when she asked you why.
Could be a common sense thing. You can be academically smart but don't get human interactions. Not a dig at you but maybe thinking outside of your box for a different view to understand it.
Don't feel bad at all. I still call my ex "emotionally incompetent" affectionately (might use a harsher word than incompetent". Don't be self conscious just be yourself, you have friends so obviously you are likeable.
Maybe she is trying to push you out into the world.
She probably doesn't have a lot of brain cells left. Alcoholism and herpes is destroying the middle aged and elderly.
I don't believe she means harm but you gotta let her know it makes you uncomfortable or that it bothers you, how she responds to that will tell you if she means harm or not.
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Im so sorry. Nobody should ever say that about their child, it’s awful. you aren’t dumb. And you deserve better than to be treated like that. Your mom has problems. I don’t know exactly what they are, but her problems aren’t your responsibility to diagnose or fix. You’ve spent enough of your life burdened with trying to figure her out, you need to focus on yourself, and getting around people who respect and value you.
One piece of information for free: she isn't on your side. Keep some distance from her, and don't let her know too much about how your life is going.
I hate how reddit just always encourages people to cut ties with close family members. It's absolutely toxic. Step one should never be to distance and avoid. Step one should always be confrontation, talking to her and trying to solve the problem before anything. Never take advice on relationships from reddit.
>Step one should never be to distance and avoid. Seems like that's up to the person in the situation.
Also seems like this isn’t step one, that was years ago.
I hate when people try to defend abusive parents. It's absolutely toxic.
Why the hell would I defend that? That's disgusting, I have an abusive parent so that's actually insulting
So do I. It's not insulting. It's what you're doing.
Next post, "my daughter is constantly expressing bad judgment. She is smart, and has an engineering degree, but still does dumb things. I tell her, but she ignores me and continues on." Reddit: Your daughter is toxic, sever all ties with her 🤣
Sure, maybe you're not insulted but when I struggle with something every day for my whole childhood, it kind of pisses me off when someone baselessly accuses me of defending the very thing that almost ruined my entire life and future.
Well OP has tried your way and it's not working. She's challenging her mother's comments about her being stupid and an idiot yet getting stonewalled on a response. If it's so obvious to her mother, why does her mother clam up every time she asks for explanation? You're gaslighting someone going through the exact thing that you went through, why?
I agree with you; but I don't think it's a good idea to start throwing around terms like "gaslighting" because using them randomly during arguments waters them down. Disagreeing with someone is not gaslighting them.
Typical Gaslighter
Then why are you defending someone being abusive? My mother was very similar to OPs. She consistently doubted my intelligence and would make comments about how I'm a know it all but only in my head. Repeatedly saying that to someone is abusive. They are allowed to distance themselves if the abusive person continuously repeats abusive behavior. OP has tried to talk to her mother countless times and the woman won't elaborate. Abusive.
I'm not at all defending it. I'm saying you should confront these people. Why? Because maybe it could turn out better in the end. What's better to you - a good mother or no mother? The answer is obvious. A good one, so why don't you try to work it out and get a good one? Instead of just jumping to the easiest possible answer and give up. I've confronted my parents multiple times, one of them changed and the other did not, the other stayed the same so ties are cut. But you are a loser, if all you do is run away and can't actually face your issues. The sooner people realize that the sooner their lives get better. Yes, you are allowed to leave, but how would her mother know it's abusive? If she means it that way then yeah go ahead but what if she thinks it's just a joke? Would distancing really be the right answer? No not at all. Can't believe I have to explain this stuff, this is elementary. Reddit really does not represent society at all. Thank God that I didn't grow up to be such a brat that I can't try to solve issues OP asked why, she didn't answer. That's not much effort is it?
If you honestly think my first action was to cut contact with my mother, you know absolutely nothing. I tried. Of course I tried. It's my mom. But some people don't change. And I was sick of being belittled and scorned by a woman who was just insecure and refused to change. Confronting abusive parents can work or it can leave you getting the shit smacked out of you. I'm glad you were able to talk to your parents and one changed. When I talked to my parents, one punched me and pulled my hair and the other told me I deserved it for talking back. The fact that you don't realize how dangerous it is for some people to confront their abusers shows you live in a little bubble of your own making where everything works out in the end. It doesn't work that way for everyone. It's not being a brat to protect yourself against abusers. Shame on you.
Get out of here with this godawful take. Wishful thinking doesn’t help anyone. Abusive people cannot be reasoned with. Abuse is inherently irrational. It is always better to prioritize the victims mental health and safety over the zero chance of a parent/spouse/sibling/etc. will suddenly change their ways in some Disney moment.
I know people have opinions about Jordan Peterson and I totally understand that some people won’t want to listen to him, and I understand that others will. But he has a great— strictly psychological— perspective on this exact issue. It’s purely from his work in psychology, but not political or anything else. Look it up sometime. It’s about dealing with toxic parents, or gauging how someone reacts to you when you share with them. It’s solid, seriously.
Jordan Peterson is like a dumpster that is too slimy to catch on fire.
Not everyone is confrontational. Me? I definitely am. I hate discomfort and uncertainty so I will be direct about a situation, but some people are not. In my comment, I never said to cut off the mom just limit the access she has to her.
Actually there is no reason that anyone should have to take abusive behavior nor is it the OPs responsibility to correct that behavior. The OP should take care of themselves by seeking out people who accept them for who they are and not waste their time on people who do not even show basic decency.
And the alternative is...? To just be belittled by your family day in and day out? To just take it like a pathetic fuck? One of the best things I ever learned in life is that family is just a collection of related people. That's it. There's no mystical force. There's nothing magical about being related. Forcing yourself to interact with assholes isn't good for you, regardless of relations. Would you put up with an acquaintance being a dick? Would you try to salvage that relationship? Why does family get a special pass to treat you like a punching bag? Because you've known them forever? If they want to fuck around, than they can fuck right off.
No, the alternative is quit being a baby and confront them. A "pathetic fuck" runs from their problems because they're too scared to face them. Why is that the best thing you learned in life? What makes you think that it was the best decision you could have made? Why would you try to salvage that relationship? Because life isnt just about you. Unless you're selfish and thats obviously a horrible path of life to gp down. If that person loves you, but is bad at showing it, and is just not aware that they're hurting you? And its their way of messing with you? Not guaranteed at all, infact it's not very likely; but if it is, and they can become a loving person that youve worked through your problems with. And those relationships are the strongest relationships you'll ever have, I have the experience. If not, and they won't change, then you can move on. At least you can tell yourself that you are the bigger person, willing to forgive but they spat in your face. So dust off your shoes and move on. I am forgiving to those who are willing to change, you'll never be happy if you can't let your anger go, so by giving them a chance to do better by confronting them, you are doing your part and can alleviate that hate. Which greatly improved my life. Please, don't take what I say the wrong way. If you don't understand something, just ask. Your last comment was very childish, and I expect better from you if you want to have an actual conversation. As someone who's had abusive friendships, and an abusive household, I believe my opinion is very valuable as I turned out great in my opinion.
The right answer should be to seek professional help (therapy) and give more context. One Reddit post is not enough to identify who is right and who is wrong. For all we know OP is a raging alcoholic.
I agree that professional help would be much better
It’s her mother. Cutting her out of her life is not a good solution. Life is shorter than we realise and family is important. I’m sure they can work it out if they try to. Clearly her mum isn’t great at communicating but it helps to try to understand where the other person is coming from. Understanding their perspective, having patience and trying to work on communication.
No, ActonofMAM is right. You limit sharing what’s going on in your life and what you’re thinking and what you want when it comes to a person who will constantly put you down. And if possible, you get away from them. And the. You wait. If they reach out, explain why you’re separating yourself from them. If they take issue, then you know the kind of person they are. Then they can try working it out. Psychologically speaking, this is how you deal with a situation like this.
Setting boundaries is not the same as cutting her mother out of her life.
You didn’t suggest setting a boundary. You suggested ghosting her. Setting a boundary involves communicating and expressing your feelings. Outlining what you are or aren’t ok with and giving the other person a chance to respond. You have to communicate with people. If things don’t change it’s ok for OP to assess how close she wants to be with her mother and she can always walk away from her when she uses that word and say the reason why. But shutting her mum out without letting her know how her behaviour impacts her would be very abrupt. Idk maybe she can say something like “mum when you say I’m dumb it hurts my self esteem and makes me question myself. I value our relationship and want to feel supported. I know you care about me and just want me to have a good life but when you use words like that when you’re frustrated/worried/ instead of communicating properly it has the opposite effect and makes me doubt myself. I want us to have a better relationship.” She can even write it in a text or a letter if she wants to make it easier.
You actually think her mom doesn't know the effect of constantly calling her stupid?
I disagree. I had an abusive mother, and I tried to improve communication and did therapy with her for years. I couldn’t begin to heal properly until I cut her out of my life completely. I’ve made far more progress in the few years since I’ve cut off communication than I did in decades of trying to improve our relationship. You can’t change abusers, and trying to change other people is a huge waste of time and energy. I hope OP manages to cut their losses and gets away from their abuser. The old “_But it’s your mother_” excuse is what their mother is counting on and relies upon in order to keep the power in the relationship.
I hate when people use the "life is short!" Argument. Yes, life is short- why would I spend my short life around people that are verbally abusive, put me down, pretend they're giving constructive criticism but they're only insulting me on a regular basis with no actual constructive criticism? Life is too short to let yourself be abused. We should enjoy our short lives, not put up with shitty people because of familial obligation. Life is short, I'm surrounding myself with people who make my life better, not little who hurt me on a regular basis.
What I meant is that life is short and tragedies can happen. The future is never guaranteed and they might not be here tomorrow. I get that every situation and dynamic of every family relationship is different but you might feel regretful for not at least trying to reconcile with a loved one while they were still alive, if something happened.
And I might feel regretful if I realize I spent my whole life letting family verbally and emotionally abused me. It's not a good argument. Life is short, don't be around people who treat you terribly.
I came looking for this very wrong and very reddit advice just to make sure this place was still completely hopeless.
Lol
Do you youtube about being a dad or is dadding a sidegig?
You're mother is abusive. I don't know if you recognize that or not. I would recommend doing your best to avoid her if possible. My mother abused me in similar ways. Never had a good thing to say about me. Never complimented me. Never told me she was proud. It was always just complaining. I broke contact at 25 and it was the best thing I ever did.
Awful person: "You're this negative quality" You: Tell me what is wrong so I can fix it" Awful person: "No, you should know what I mean, the fact that I have to tell you my thoughts is your fault , not mine" How close were we? It ain't you, its her.
Like I can read your mind lol. That is a narcissistic parent if I've ever seen one. I wish parents understood how that thinking really messed up their kids.
That's abuse. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Move out as soon as you can. Start limiting your time with her. That's what I had to do with my abusive dad. Best wishes
People that genuinely care for you will build you up they won't try to tear you down. Now listen cause this next part is important. She can still love you and be too confused with herself to really understand how to show it. There's so much social pressure, conditioning, and indoctrination it's really hard to meet people that see through the fog of these labels. The institutions enforce this curated perception of reality for their gain and profit despite knowing they can be harmful if you are overly dependent on them for your perception of the world and others, but profits > people in our current civilization. That is to say, can you get far away from her and go low to no contact?
If somebody keeps vaguely claiming you're stupid but can't support why, then they're just trying to condition you to FEEL stupid. This is a massive red flag, this person's opinions should be disregarded and devalued
Your mom is likely jealous of you and trying to knock down your self esteem a bit. Sounds like you're a engineer and she doesn't understand engineers. Y'all are a unique group of people and tend to think differently than others. You see things differently than we do and can do things we can't but sometimes don't have the most common set of social skills and that's okay and totally normal because you're an engineer and engineers are engineers. Put it back on her. Say, *"It hurts me when you call me stupid. Please stop it."*
> Say, "It hurts me when you call me stupid. Please stop it." My family's response to this when I told them as a toddler and aged up: "but we're only kidding/you're too (fill in the blank")/"we're trying to toughen you up"
Abusive as hell. Gaslighting.
But when you call them out for their stupidity do you get the performance of a lifetime? The anger the tears, the drama
Sounds like a control measure to make sure she stays relevant and needed. She may be doing it unconsciously, not necessarily with intent and malice, but as long as she stays smarter than you you will always need her. If she encourages you to thrive you will grow up and leave, if she puts you down you will never get the confidence to live your own life and you will be forced to stay close to her. It’s cruel that she says this to you. Made worse by the fact she won’t elaborate. By her not explaining further, it serves to amplify the feeling she gives you of being dumb. Everytime she keeps you in the dark on this, it serves to make you feel like her statement of being dumb is true. But it’s not. It’s a manipulation based on her own issues. I bet you are brilliant in all sorts of ways. Your mother doesn’t know how to handle this. You might be better than her in every sense and she can’t handle the jealousy or isn’t ready to part with you yet. She could be acting deliberately or entirely from her subconscious. She may not even realise the effect that these words are having and may not have any idea why she says it. (Based on your intuition and other interactions you will probably have some idea whether she is deliberately being cruel or whether she is just waffling and being offhanded.) Don’t believe her though. Parents program their kids with all sorts of things. They instill their values and their ideas into us. They have the primary role in shaping how we see the world and that includes how we view outselves. But just because she has been a form of authority in your life and has taught you many things, does not mean she is an authority on this. She’s wrong about you being dumb. Do what you can to find ways to remind yourself of this. Good luck, I hope you find confidence despite what she has been telling you and I hope you feel vibrant, aware and intelligent within yourself no matter what she says.
I heard somewhere that when parenting, parents should enforce positive feedback... because when telling to the children that you're stupid, you're dumb, you're worthless... those messages will be stuck inside the subconsciousness so... you're already a grown up and aware of yourself... it's up to you to get rid of those comments from everyone, even from your female progenitor.
This is the opposite belief from a lot of parents. They believe criticism encourages improvement and wanting their approval so it motivates you, while positive feedback just blows up their ego and they become worse.
you can always clapback. When I was younger and my mom would insult me that im stupid, I would always answer either " elephant mom will only give birth to elephant baby" or "that's how I know you are my mom". it takes her awhile to realize I'm insulting her with her own insult. but seriously, you might want to ask your friends or siblings if you are socially inept. they might be more impartial.
That’s called gaslighting. It’s toxic behavior. Trying to make you believe there a faults where none exist. Separate yourself from her as much as you can. She wants you to fail. To doubt yourself and not have the confidence
You aren't stupid, you are abused. I am so sorry you have been abused by your mother all this time and now you're 25 and it's still happening. I would get away from her. Can you not? Are you in a culture where you are expected to live at home? You need boundaries. Like... keep her at a safe distance until you can rebuild your self-esteem. That may take therapy.
You aren't dumb, you're sheltered like you said. She did that raising you and refuses to acknowledge her impact on your life. My mom did the same with me and it's annoying. I had to call her out on it before she acknowledged it. Turns out she had a lot going on with anxiety raising me and sheltered me to keep me safe. Turns out it only hurt me long term. You have no reason to worry if you are realizing this now, you can grow. The biggest thing is you are aware of it now. I personally put up with it for years but me calling it out helped me move in the right direction. As your mom, she shouldn't be saying such terrible things. A good parent should help their children if they think they need guidance rather than bully them.
Sounds like neurodivergent vs. a neurotypical trying to assert their perceived superiority (or place in a hierarchy). You're "dumb" because you don't intuitively know how to navigate that hierarchy. Your mom (or any neurotypical) spelling any of that out would also threaten that hierarchy, so it's enforced as unspoken rules.
This ^^ it absolutely sounds like my own experiences with AuDHD
Mine, too
That was my first thought also. I have a sibling that's autistic-ish and they are academically smart but socially clumsy. Like for example, when someone is discussing a serious or emotional topic, my sibling will disrupt the flow of conversation to correct someone's grammar. My sibling is a stickler for grammar and genuinely thinks they are helping people improve by correcting mistakes, but there's a time and a place for that, and correcting someone when they're discussing a car accident is not the time for that. I've had to pull them aside and explain basic social etiquette stuff like this because it doesn't come naturally to them.
She may just be jealous. And opinionated. You could have a social problem, but if so there's really no point in just telling you you're stupid, with no constructive information. My older brother was like this a lot when I was a kid, and I believed him. But now I'm pretty sure he was just being angry and controlling. He and my mom have anxiety, and it came out as them worrying a lot about random things, like me wearing the wrong color dress for the season. They were constantly telling me "don't wear / do / say that, it's weird". Really it was more about their neuroses than mine. It takes confidence and experience to develop socially. You probably don't have that much to be insecure about. Especially if your peer group is engineers, lol. A few of the men I met in my 20s at my software job made me feel so small, and looking back it was pointless because they were absolute losers and they were the ones who deserved to feel stupid. I'm 35 now, and my family still tries to talk to me that way sometimes, but it doesn't worry me as much more, because I've realized they're the foolish ones. They just don't understand that other people can be different than them and want different things. Their minds are too small. Just keep trying and communicating with your friends. Do your best, and don't let your brain call you names. You don't deserve it.
Yeah, my mom is like this too. Because we have different personalities and I’m introverted while she extroverted. She would criticize me for not being competitive and cunning enough, socially. That I’m “too nice” and that society see nice people as stupid.
Your mom is mad jealous of you. You've achieved more than she ever could hope to, and she's bitter about it.
I think she’s probably very jealous of you and *she* feels dumb around you so she knocks down your confidence to make herself feel better. You’re not dumb. And even the way you downplay your own achievements seemingly without noticing tells me this has been going on for a long time and she has successfully worn down your confidence. Get away from her and realize just how incredible you are. Masters degree in engineering at 25 and being a successful woman in a male-driven industry is fucking incredible and you should be very proud of yourself. I’m sorry your own mother has torn you down so much. I hope you have a partner or someone on your side who constantly lifts you up and reminds you how amazing you are.
You're an engineer, so it's not that surprising that you don't understand why she's saying what she is saying. With that said, it's pretty rude and disrespectful to speak like that to anyone, especially your child. Your mother probably struggles to connect with you emotionally, and I imagine that's been a sore point for most of your life once you demonstrated brilliance in education versus social intelligence. You only get one mother, so I would suggest that you tell her how these comments make you feel and ask for a change of behavior. Don't let Reddit tell you to get rid of your mother.
Your mom is threatened by having a more successful daughter that she doesn't understand. She can't explain why you're dumb because she knows it's not true. She's just belittling you to make herself feel better.
She is just not worth being around, sadly. She's a chain dragging your self-esteem down. Tell her, "I'm smart enough not to waste any more time listening to your nastiness," and go no contact. If she does some soul searching and proves she's changed, maybe allow her back in your life slowly. Also, get some therapy if you can. It will improve your life and is well worth it as you benefit from the gains for the rest of your life.
My mother does this EXACT thing. I have always been successful. Army, college, career, wife, and everything. I have made no poor decisions, I have worked my way to millionaire by age 40. I never asked her for an ounce of help. I have great friends and am good in networking and social settings. But she will still call me stupid or just tell me I can't do something. I always just laugh and go do it. My theory is she wants to bring me down because my younger brother, her favorite, is a complete failure and heroine addict. He got kicked out of the Army, dropped out of college, and got fired from jobs she set up for him. She still tries to say all the time we are equally accomplished and talented and shit like that. Makes no fucking sense. She tells everyone both her sons are war heroes (neither of us are) but my brother got kicked out right after basic for drugs and didn't even leave the country. I did two combat tours as infantry and have 13 medals. It's honestly all so insane.
Thank you for your service
I think the older generations learned a lot and were much more mature while growing up and the younger generations were a lot more sheltered and had much less life experience. So the older generations did not teach much to their kids socially, assuming they would just pick up on things the way they did but that has not happened, so they see us as dumb. She can’t explain why to you because it’s how she sees you overall, and she’s not going to start teaching you things that she sees as obvious stuff like you’re a child when you’re 25.
One thing I've come to appreciate working in STEM is that people who are good at STEM jobs are typically smart, lucid people outside of STEM as well. The stereotype of skill in STEM and interpersonal skill being a zero sum is incorrect.
Your mom is not good for you. She is undermining you, whether consciously or not. You need less of her in your life.
Snap back with *You're dumb!* and see how she likes that thrown back in her face. Make sure to make unbreaking eye contact to see her full reaction to this, its paramount you make strong unnerving eye contact. It's not an endearing comment to make, and i would be insulted off the bat personally.
There is a difference between book smarts and street smarts. Book smarts can be learned from a book, street smarts can only be learned from experience.
Tell her to stop. We all have certain things about us, but I doubt if you're dumb. You deserve more respect.
The only dumb thing is your mother. We all learn and grow as we get older and that includes adapting to social situations. I still cringe *and I know I'm not the only one* over some of the things I said/did at your age.
Dumb people call other people dumb without explaining why. In any case, no truly caring and loving parent does that to their own child (including grown ones)... it creates a wall and unnecessary friction between the two. My recommendation: since your mother is being a constant negative influence on your well-being, you need to create a safe haven for yourself, so you can heal. Limit contact with her (and negative influences in general) as much as you can, live far away if possible, find positive and supportive friends, see a counselor (if you can afford one), focus on taking good care of yourself via a healthy diet and exercise. It can take years, but things tend to get better.
She might have her own issues that need attention, and you’re the familiar object of her derision. Lots of young people feel like you do in social settings, but your Mom undermining you doesn’t help at all. You certainly come across as well spoken in print, with your thoughts well collected and well presented. It might be time to give your Mom some space while you take care of yourself. Best wishes to you.
You need to move out of the house. If you've already moved out, you need to tell your mother that you're not going to visit her if she keeps insulting you. Tell her that a loving mother doesn't say that to their kid.
I just turned 48 last week. I unfortunately only finally realized that by having called me dumb my entire life, my mother has been projecting. I actually feel dumb for having taken this long to figure it out. She has never been able to follow simple conversations, news items, plot lines, etc. while I graduated from an elite university! Is it possible that the same could be going on with you? That maybe your mother might not be too bright? I realize that is one heck of a jarring question, but clearly this IS something that does occasionally happen.
She's abusive. Nothing she is saying should be taken to heart, and you might want to consider cutting her out of your life so that you can heal.
That’s a major bummer and totally unacceptable (in my opinion), if she’s saying that to you seriously, not in jest, and often. I’m not a parent, but shouldn’t one empower their kids and make them feel good about themselves!?!? (with OBVIOUS caveats). I’m definitely the guy that would say it in jest to my 19 year old son “don’t be an idiot dude! Dumbass”, at appropriate times- they tried some miscalculated prank, tipped zero percent needlessly after taking me out to dinner, or broke their friends hand while drunk or something. Know this - it’s not true. (I mean, maybe it is - JOKING), but you know yourself. You know what’s true. I guess just take this as tough love? (Without knowing more). I think that’s the best way to reconcile the situation, especially if the rest of your relationship is solid. Hopefully she just wants the best for you. Be more to the point with your response- “I don’t appreciate when you say that, I don’t call you stupid,” “I feel really bad when you call me stupid, please don’t, and just help me out.” Honestly I would jab back and rip a couple of boomer jokes. Rise above the negativity.
My mom used to do this too when I was in middle school. Would call me an idiot and when I’d defend myself with evidence that hey, maybe I am a bit smart, she’d call me egoistic. Needless to say, I don’t talk to her anymore. There were so many clues growing up that seemed so tiny but all added up to this big thing of her being a not very good person. I’d say, think back to your times in childhood and whether other behaviours come up like this where she tries to bring you down. Take notice from there.
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike". She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want". The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".
So there's two things to consider here. 1. You're academically gifted. Unfortunately, a lot of academically gifted individuals are well... not very gifted outside of academics. Street smarts, emotional intelligence, and social skills are often lacking. This can cause less academic individuals to view you as stupid. 2. Your mother is not academically gifted and is jealous of you and therefore trying to bring you down and belittle you and your accomplishments. The solution is the first is to simply embrace being a bit goofy and weird. Fuck being normal, normal is boring. The solution to the second can be either easy or difficult depending on you and your situation. Simply cut the cancer out.
She's trying to knock you down. Sounds like jealousy. If she truly thought you had problems socially and wanted to help, she would point out what you're doing "wrong," and show you how to fix or change issues. She wouldn't just call you dumb and laugh.
She’s a bully. That’s what mean girls do. It’s hard to see, but it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. She has some kind of problem and is maybe threatened by your success. That sucks that your own mother is saying these things to you. Please do not believe her even though it is probably hard. Distance yourself as much as possible. She sounds manipulative. Even if it’s not her intention to be manipulative and she is too unfiltered that’s not something normal she should be saying to anyone. She’s not being helpful, just judging.
Sounds like she's not a good mother. You need to get away from her. She will only impact your life negativity.
This is terrible behavior on your mother’s part, and it’s absolutely not acceptable. It’s also not a surprise that you’ve been feeling insecure for a long time— your own mother is tearing you down. Please consider finding yourself a good therapist and perhaps reconsider the relationship you have with your mom. You can keep her at arms length and she can’t do shit about it.
Even if you were making some sort of social faux pas, there is a way to guide you that doesn’t involve insulting you. In fact she’s a bit dumb for not being able to articulate what the problem is! Perhaps she’s jealous that you’re brighter than her.
You are smart, handled your business etc. now go about your career and the rest of life. Theres nothing wrong with being sheltered, naive, awkward etc at your age. It's actually a good thing. Usually indicates you had a decent home life/parents, took school seriously and handled your business. Now you have the engineering degree and job, its time to learn the other parts of life. You have friends. You go do things with them it sounds . If you were all socially awkward and totally weird people would tend to leave you out. The thoughts in your head aren't what others see, it's what you think they see. They aren't analyzing your behavior or level of nervous thinking yup, I knew it shes sheltered. Have to stop hanging out with her. No one really notices, focuses on that or cares. But your mom is probably comparing her at 25 to you can't believe the difference. So next time she calls you dumb just say I'm sorry I wasn't out whoring the streets like most my age. She'll get the point. Then tell her not to call you stupid again if she won't say why. You're an adult. An engineer. I've say at many conference room tables with engineers, managers, directors of a plant. I know what those are like. If you can navigate that world you are ok socially.
You might have Einstein syndrome. Also known as zero common sense. Common sense and booksmarts don't always come hand in hand
You may be incredibly naieve, you may not, we don't really have enough information to tell for sure. But what I CAN tell you is your mother should never be putting you down like that and the fact that she is makes her a crappy mom.
To parents most kids are dumb and most cases it means they do not have common sense when it comes to life which what she probably is trying to say but she is dumb one if she can explain herself You stay positive no matter what
Are you Eastern European by chance? My mom says the same thing with no explanation sometimes. Just curious
You need to work towards getting to a point where you don't care what your mother says anymore. It is possible. You do it by stopping yourself from checking to see if what she said is true or not - meaning, don't ask yourself, "What did I do to cause her to say that about me, and is it true?" Instead, remind yourself that you already know she says horrible things. She has a problem, not you. When she's saying one of her rude comments, think of it like it's her illness flaring up. Feel sorry for her and her terrible communication skills. Feel sorry for her because she stoops that low. It doesn't matter what she says because she is crazy.
You don't deserve to be talked to like this. Story time: when I was younger, my great grandmother (we called her Nana) was still alive and I would go to the nursing home to spend time with her. I was a chunky kid and my Nana would make comments. As I got a little older, I didn't want to spend time with her and hear her comments about my body. Now I'm 28F and Aunt told me just a few years ago that she told Nana "you can act and say whatever you want in this life but when people don't want to spend time with you and talk to you the only you have to look in the mirror is yourself" Moral of the story, you are 25. You stated you are educated with a degree. Don't let anyone put you down including your mother. I have a different outlook on family. Just because you have a title doesn't mean anything. If I wouldn't allow a friend, associate, coworker, class mate talk to me like that you sure TF aren't either. Of course, not telling you to cut off your mom, maybe just limit how much access she has to you and if or when she starts questioning why you haven't been around or talked as often as before, Stay it with your WHOLE CHEST!! Good luck girlfriend !
She's why. She'll tell you, ya fucked up. She won't tell you how? Fucking great lesson mom thanks for the Ted talk. Improve your intake of data by taking to a wall. Pin her down on details or tell her to shut the fuck up. Or she might be ignorant. The western ignorance that says "Send your kids to university " then "modern science is misguided." The reason my kid would struggle to change his oil...is that I never taught him how to. Fortunately, I'm still here. Next time, ask her, "Oh? Which of the things you never taught me, do I not know?" Poopyhead.
Have those situations ever been an issue beside your mother's comment? If so, you could try to walk trough what happened from other people's perspective to get an idea socially of how you might have appeared. But aside from that, you got a masters. You went to school and put up with classmates and professors and graduated. You're socially functional. And absolutely nobody is normal, so that's as good as it gets! If you're getting along with everyone else fine, then ***you're*** not a problem.
Her nasty comments say NOTHING about you, and EVERYTHING about her. I wonder what ugly things happened to her to make her be so mean to her own child.
I know plenty of people who are academically smart but still not very intelligent. The world is filled with those types of people. Just look at Ann Coulter. Sorry if this doesn't help your situation. But don't make the assumption that just because someone is smart academically that they are smart in general. And saying this, I'm going to be very surprised if I don't get banned from the subreddit after pressing the post button. Oh well
Here is what I usually have to tell folks when their OWN parents ask me to talk to their kids about giving advice to them about how tot be successful.. "Rule no. 1... DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR PARENTS SAY." To the chagrin of parents out there they are NO all knowing and not correct. This coming from a parent myself. Your parent is an idiot! You are OBVIOUSLY intelligent as you asked your mom for specifics of what makes you "dumb" and she showed she is full of proverbial sh%t by not being able to answer. It is hard for a child to admit this but your parents often have their OWN issues and they project them through you. Not fair. Don't believe it. My advice... Imagine your mom as a bully at school trying to keep you down. Don't let her. You be strong and speak up. EveryONE in life says dumb things in life that is nothing new. So even if you do that is nothing new. The worst is if you become hesitant and stop speaking up/ out and become shy. Don't. Especially as a woman in this world. You need your voice!! I have a daughter and the world is not fair and you need your voice to stand up for yourself!
What type of situation does this happen in? When you are with friends; when you’re telling a story to only her; out grocery shopping; just sitting around at home? What’s generally going on when she says this? I don’t want to jump to conclusions with the picture you initially painted. Can you add more to the canvas?
Tell her it's hurtful and you may have to curtail your time with her if she can't restrain herself from saying mean things.
I can't officially say because it really would depend on the situation. But from a general perspective, I'd say she probably just wants you to put more thought into the basics in life. I don't mean that in a harsh way, but sometimes we over complicate our lives and end up losing out on some of the general knowledge. Don't take this the wrong way, but for example, I'm chating with someone who has a master's degree and uses commas in her sentences but not capital letters at the start of them. Chances are you wrote this post using majority emotion, and it shows through in your words. Chances are she just wants you to slow it down in life. It's not a race. Take the time to view things from different perspectives instead of just one. As far as chatting and being with other people, don't give a hoot about them, just be your self and work on your confidence. Idk if any of this helped because realistically with out someone being with you in person, we really don't know the full story. But I do wish you the best of luck.
Because you are not dumb!! She can’t give you a reason for a lie. I’m 50 and wish I’d done this 25 years ago but you gotta cut her loose! Trust me!! Your future self and her mental heath and physical health depends on it!! It’s a big deal so I’m making sure I stress it enough. You have to find a way to go no contact. There’s lots of groups to help.
When our parents are long gone we still have to live on this Earth! You have to be ok when they are gone! If you can’t find peace with NC now you won’t recognize yourself later.
Something is wrong with what your mom is doing, and I wonder if she's a little bit jelly. Is your therapist helping you with this? Because it will be a challenge for you to maintain your positive self-concept, but it's very important. I have been considered smart all my life but I couldn't get an engineering degree if the whole world depended on it.
Oh my gosh. Maybe I can understand if she said it out of frustration once. But to continuously say it. It sounds like she may be going through something and taking it out on you. You and only you can accept how a person makes you feel. I don’t think anyone is perfect at communicating or being social period. I’ve met so many people throughout my lifetime and never felt there was a wrong way to the social scene. I think if anything it should be a teaching moment for your mom to show you, if it was a problem she cared to help you with. Don’t allow someone else’s insecurities to bombard your personal space. Your personal space should be protected whether they are family or not. You are important to this world and opinions from others are not your truth. If you need to step away from certain people because of their lower energy level, so be it. Life isn’t about enduring pain along the way. We will experience some pain but we do have a choice to deal with it or not. Sending you love and light!
My mother did this to me constantly. I'm the first person on either side of my family to go to and graduate college. I have a bachelor's and a masters degree. Every so often I still manage to convince myself that I'm dumb and worthless and it's because of my mother's continued barbs at my intelligence. She went the opposite way tho. When we would be talking about something related to my degree, she would say something incorrect or would be confused about something and god forbid I try to explain something to her. If I tried I was a know it all who actually knew nothing and an expensive piece of paper didn't mean anything to her. Other than the fact that I wasted my money on something stupid. Now she will cry to anyone who will listen about how her terrible daughter cut her out of her life and she can't figure out why. She was always so supportive!!! /s Your mother is threatened by you. And she says these things to make you insecure and unhappy because she is a deeply insecure and unhappy person. That's not what a good mother does.
Did your mom have these chances at her age to be as educated as you..??? You have every chance to be self-sufficient, and your mom is taking that away from you Hope you wake tf up and stay away from her..
You're mom's just a bitch. Probably jealous AF of you. But, honestly, just ask her. Next time she says that ask her exactly what she means. And keep probing her until she either explains herself or gets frustrated and leaves. Repeat every time.
It sounds like she is a hater, she's jealous, and she's projecting. It won't stop unless you cut ties with her. You aren't stupid. Good luck!
It sounds like your mom is depressed or something and projecting. She’s probably curious how you can be happy and comfortable and explains it to herself as “oh she must be stupidly unaware” or something along those lines. Those words are incredibly impactful and hurtful coming from anyone let alone your own mother. It’s going to take some work, but try not to let her projections penetrate. It sounds like she’s already had a huge impact on your social anxieties. Anxieties that stem from your mothers own unhappiness, not anything to do with you. You’re 25 and perhaps your mother is trying to keep you as her little daughter longer and longer by making you out to be inept, but that behavior from her will actually create resentment and push you away. Everyone is clueless in society, people that pretend they have it all figured out and know everything and are never weird or socially awkward EVER are people I hate being around. Self assured assholes that generally pretend to be better than others and project judgement. Innocence and kindness can be confused as dumb, sheltered and clueless by the wrong people.
Just be thankful you’re academically smart and can get away from her. My mother told me this for years and warned me against doing certain things…she turned out to be right.
I think you should keep a log of when she says something and include what provoked it. This may help you identify the actions that trigger hers better. But any mother who says this without explanation is failing their child. If there is a good reason, it sounds like she should talk to you about your potential naivety, to help protect you from a shitty world. If it's just based on her shortcomings and insecurities you may need to confront her. Or maybe even help HER...
Id be interested in knowing your ethnicity and whether or not your parent is 1st generation or local to a nation other than us? I've noticed that foreign parents, especially Indian or Chinese parents, are super critical and kind of dickish.
Sounds like your mom is projecting and insecure of her own daughters intelligence. How sad. I would distance myself from her, I know it's hard but as someone that has been in that same situation that type of insecurity that happens because of someone constantly saying things like that is very hard to break.
I feel like that's just a nice way to say that you're autistic lmaooooo. My mom at least told me I had "autistic tendencies".
Your mom is negging you because she wants the D. Seriously, tell her this the next time she calls you dumb.
Is she educated? She could just be jealous of your success. Either way, it sounds like she's pretty dumb.
This is not how a healthy parent with good intentions behaves—period. She is silent because she’s only interested in the damage of the remark. She does acknowledge your academic/professional success, imagine that can’t be used as a weapon since there’s evidence to support it, is it possible she’s envious of that? The fact that she uses a statement that you’re likely to agree with and trust, such as professional success, and then follows it up with such a damaging comment—more likely to be believed and accepted. That seems a little more like a set up and there’s a few people that will do that—a manipulator is one of them. Has she ever shown signs of jealousy or envy in any other circumstances or with anyone else? What a shame it is that a person with such power and influence such as that of a parent would yield it to cause their own child to intentionally suffer for any reason. Sadly if her intention is sinister, and I suspect that much, recognize her intentions and devalue them internally. Words are only powerful if we give them value—be well!
That’s just bullying and likely projecting her own insecurities around you. Since you have objectively proven that you are not, in fact, dumb- recognize what it is- a false statement based on a perception that is not based in reality. She can’t explain why, because to do so would mean confronting her own insecurities. You might have to boldly confront her about it once and get it out of both your systems. “Mom, I am highly educated with a graduate level degree. I passed each challenging class I took for many years to earn that degree. I m educated in a field that you cannot master if you are stupid. There are lots of smart people who can’t handle engineering. I can. I am clearly not stupid. I am also smart enough to know, no good parent in this world ever says that repeatedly to their child. It is harmful and unkind. I am intelligent enough to know that I should no longer tolerate that. Be aware, if you chose to say that again, I will leave your presence for the day or immediately hang up the phone. I don’t care if it a Christmas, Thanksgiving or an ordinary day. That includes whatever you choose to say when I’m done speaking now. It’s not ok for you to say that I’m stupid, and that is how I will respond and set my boundaries. Now that I have made myself clear, I would expect that you never say that to me again.”
It's a tough reality, but when we get to a certain age (or for more dysfunctional parents, all their kid's life) jealousy can be very real. You may have gotten the educational opportunities she wished she had and now she may feel insecure that you may have out grown your need for her guidance so she simply makes critiques that she knows she doesn't have evidence of. If it was true, I would think she would tell you why so she can guide you. Just my two cents though since I've seen other daughters struggle with this.
Cut that bitch off. You’ve tried to work with it already. She’s against you. Probably jealous or something.
Might not be the case for this, but when I confronted my mom about almost this exact thing (it took a very heated discussion), she said it was because she was upset that I was smarter than her and she wanted to make me feel dumb to compensate
Maybe you have the Autism?
Whether she is meaning to or not doesn't matter she is mentally abusing you. She might be a narcissist or whatever other mental condition so she might be trying to put you down in order to make herself feel better about herself. She might be one of those weirdos that likes causing people pain. Some people just like to spread misery. You might remind her of what she failed at in life. You should seek some mental health treatment be a psychiatrist and or therapist. Even if say you're on the spectrum so might not be great socially what she is doing is still abuse and there is no excuse for it. You need to set firm boundaries with your mom and don't be afraid to cut toxic people out of your life if it escalates and she won't stop treating it that way. My personal favorite two people like her that gaslight is to do it back. Start randomly calling her dumb and give her the same silent treatment and ignore when she asked you why.
Could be a common sense thing. You can be academically smart but don't get human interactions. Not a dig at you but maybe thinking outside of your box for a different view to understand it.
Don't feel bad at all. I still call my ex "emotionally incompetent" affectionately (might use a harsher word than incompetent". Don't be self conscious just be yourself, you have friends so obviously you are likeable.
Maybe she is trying to push you out into the world. She probably doesn't have a lot of brain cells left. Alcoholism and herpes is destroying the middle aged and elderly.
I don't believe she means harm but you gotta let her know it makes you uncomfortable or that it bothers you, how she responds to that will tell you if she means harm or not.