She can't become "not vanilla" if you don't share your interests with her. It sounds like you have a ton of shame around your kinks and sexual interests and a sex positive therapist can likely help you unpack them.
It would probably help to be vulnerable and share about what you're interested in, but I would recommend doing it away from a sexually charged space. That way you can separate out the "This is sharing info about me" from the "this is asking you to participate in these things with me".
Finding space and time to talk about kink, outside of a sexually charged environment can help make it safer to ask for the things in those environments since you've already built up some trust about the,
One tool that might help break down those walls would be listen to something like the Savage Lovecast or any other sex therapist related podcast or vlogger, and then talk about what they discussed, what you like, what you agree with, what you don't and also LISTEN to her, listen to the parts that she found interesting, things that she agrees with or not. This can be a good way to bridge and explore concepts without it being "in your face" in the way that a sexually charged environment can be.
This is such a thoughtful response thank you for sharing. I had to type this comment because it made me laugh out loud when I read it because OP needs to listen to their own thoughts as much as their wife's. for me, I'm currently unboxing the shame around sex. Probably bc of religious upbringing tbh
I mean, yeah, I definitely have a ton of baggage and shame regarding my sexuality. But idk, I don't trust therapists (sex or otherwise). I got betrayed by a therapist when I was little, and I kinda hate them all by default now. I know it's wrong and dumb but I can't help it. Plus in the context of sex therapy I assume it's going to be like marriage or couples therapy, where you go sit on a lady's couch and she lectures you for an hour at a time about why men are always wrong and why wives should divorce you and take all your stuff.
My bad for my half ass reply idk. I’m
Sorry he had a bad experience and that just be difficult to overcome but many others suggested it idk.. I understand but can find right fit if you do some research on the therapist and feeling shame for desires is heavy shit. Either start journaling like it’s your therapist and get their thoughts out or find a kink/sex positive therapist
love the idea of journaling like its your therapist. I adore journaling and especially enjoy using chatgpt as a tool for exploring scary questions and how to compassionately ask the questions i'm too emotionally ignorant to phrase on my own
okay, so you're broken. now what? are you going to define yourself by your worst impulses? or are you going to stand fast, not run from the feelings, but confront your SELF not your wife.
you are frustrated with your wife bc you are frustrated with yourself. if not, happy to hear what you think!
Is this a case of whore/madonna complex? Something to think about. How do you know your wife would be opposed to it, if you've never talked about it?
You could begin by discussing sexual fantasies in general with her. Ask her about her wishes as a way to open the conversation. And talk about it a little at a time, slowly getting used to sharing this information.
Man she’s asking you what you want her to do . Maybe try to think of it this way , you are her husband, you are her safe person to try and enjoy new things with, she feels safe if she’s already asking. Now imagine if she was single now and asked a random guy or new bf if they would like her to do kinky stuff the chances are they would jump at the opportunity. So a random or a new guy would experiment with her when you won’t . My wife had a vanilla past but not because she was vanilla but because no bf would do kinky stuff with her, they were all just typical slam bam Thankyou mam types of guys who didn’t even like trying new positions. She met me and I 69ed her the first time then fucked her doggy , 3rd time we had sex I had anal with her , then we went up the sex shop. She was blown away from how kinky sex was so much fun and bought us to a very close connection very quick . We didn’t meet until late 20s but she has loads of firsts with me just not the run of the mill vanilla stuff. 20years later we are still kinky asf and she will lead new ideas and kinks as much as me. Her view of her exes sexually is they were boring asf . How as a partner do you want her to view you sexually? The guy who will only engage in Ballina sex with her, or the guy she is so trusting and connected to she want to experience a for filling kinky fun and inspiring long term sex life with?
>"It feels like I'd be abusing her horribly by making her do that sort of thing when she's really vanilla herself."
This is a true statement on its own, but it contradicts "my wife asks if I want her to do any of the things I like".
The only way to not feel like you're "making her" (which doesn't seem to be the case!) is communication - tell her that's what you're worried about. Ask her what she likes (presumably she likes some things because she asked you if you want things) about providing actions for you like the dildo use. Understanding \*how she feels\* can then help you move forward instead of just being in your head about it. Good luck!
Idk if I didn't describe the situation well enough but you're the only person so far who kinda got my intended meaning. She's offered to do stuff like the dildo use and I think she really wants to, but when she offers I immediately shut down and refuse because I reflexively think I'm a horrible person for even having desires
I'm so sorry you feel that way - to have desires is to be human. From here, you may need to decide if better communication with your wife is sufficient to facilitate exploration, or if you'd like to speak to a professional about deeper sources of your feelings to move forward.
Communication ideas with your wife:
* share your reasons for your hesitation as best you can
* ask her how your hesitation has made her feel after she offers but you say no
* ask her what she enjoys about offering or performing actions for you
* ask her if she can give reassurances or affirmations (before? during? after? just words or something written or a symbol that you can come back to?) that she enjoys offering or performing actions for you - as something you need to feel comfortable to receive what she is offering
Wish you all the best!
There is something in you that thinks that kink is shameful, and that she is too pure to enjoy such deviant things. You've put her on a pedestal.
You need to do some inner work on those feelings of shame. Until you accept kink as a healthy expression of your sexuality, you will struggle with this. A kink positive therapist might help you improve your own self worth and self acceptance on this matter
After reading some of the other replies to this post, I understand you are not a fan of therapy. Getting over a fear of therapists without using a therapist might be pretty difficult. There are absolutely some shitty ones out there who take advantage of their position, but the VAST majority are good people who genuinely want to help people.
I would really recommend watching Ted Lasso. The show is very healing in and of itself, but there's a fantastic arc to do with Ted's distrust of therapy.
Fuuuuuck if I was some woman who had a bad experience with a man and then hated all men, everyone would be cheering me on. But therapists get a fucking pass from everyone.
Talk to her about what she’s into or at the very least curious about. Or suggest a sex or link podcast that you found interesting and discuss afterwards.
Practice. Start with little things. What is the kinky thing that makes you least uncomfortable to try with your wife? Do that, and find others. You don't have to go from zero to 69 in 2.8 seconds.
She's an adult, and can make her own choices based on her needs and your attentive mentoring. You were a powerless child unable to confront some awful adults, very differrent situation, yes?
Start slow and gradually escalate at her pace.
Perhaps you should suggest a few milder things to get started. Frame the discussion as "I knew a guy whos wife/gf would occasionally use nipple clamps/spank/ soft flogger/wax/your own personal entry point" Tell her they enjoyed consentual non-consent, with a safe word of your choice, the wife playing the top, to include getting to choose the act.
You might also read her a few porn stories that turn you on. My gf loved "The story of O" to start a discussion and get me in the mood to top and her in the mood to bottom.
Best wishes.
She doesn't sound vanilla to me if she's offering!
She sounds like she wants you to have a good time which is a core value of kink (in my opinion anyway).
Start with something small, intentionally observe how much she enjoys doing it with you, and move up from there.
I just don't want her to suddenly change the way she feels about me. I love this woman to death and I'm honestly fucking terrified of her ever seeing the "real me"
She can't become "not vanilla" if you don't share your interests with her. It sounds like you have a ton of shame around your kinks and sexual interests and a sex positive therapist can likely help you unpack them. It would probably help to be vulnerable and share about what you're interested in, but I would recommend doing it away from a sexually charged space. That way you can separate out the "This is sharing info about me" from the "this is asking you to participate in these things with me". Finding space and time to talk about kink, outside of a sexually charged environment can help make it safer to ask for the things in those environments since you've already built up some trust about the, One tool that might help break down those walls would be listen to something like the Savage Lovecast or any other sex therapist related podcast or vlogger, and then talk about what they discussed, what you like, what you agree with, what you don't and also LISTEN to her, listen to the parts that she found interesting, things that she agrees with or not. This can be a good way to bridge and explore concepts without it being "in your face" in the way that a sexually charged environment can be.
This is such a thoughtful response thank you for sharing. I had to type this comment because it made me laugh out loud when I read it because OP needs to listen to their own thoughts as much as their wife's. for me, I'm currently unboxing the shame around sex. Probably bc of religious upbringing tbh
I mean, yeah, I definitely have a ton of baggage and shame regarding my sexuality. But idk, I don't trust therapists (sex or otherwise). I got betrayed by a therapist when I was little, and I kinda hate them all by default now. I know it's wrong and dumb but I can't help it. Plus in the context of sex therapy I assume it's going to be like marriage or couples therapy, where you go sit on a lady's couch and she lectures you for an hour at a time about why men are always wrong and why wives should divorce you and take all your stuff.
That is a very outdated wiew on therapy you probably picked up from movies or something...
I picked it up from my therapists as a child who were horrible
Jesus Christ that’s not a helpful mindset and all
that was almost a kind way to say "try to take a mental inventory", but you're the nicest /u/FeralCumCat i've ever met LMAO
My bad for my half ass reply idk. I’m Sorry he had a bad experience and that just be difficult to overcome but many others suggested it idk.. I understand but can find right fit if you do some research on the therapist and feeling shame for desires is heavy shit. Either start journaling like it’s your therapist and get their thoughts out or find a kink/sex positive therapist
love the idea of journaling like its your therapist. I adore journaling and especially enjoy using chatgpt as a tool for exploring scary questions and how to compassionately ask the questions i'm too emotionally ignorant to phrase on my own
Well excuse me for having had a horrible experience with therapists that traumatized me for life.
okay, so you're broken. now what? are you going to define yourself by your worst impulses? or are you going to stand fast, not run from the feelings, but confront your SELF not your wife. you are frustrated with your wife bc you are frustrated with yourself. if not, happy to hear what you think!
Is this a case of whore/madonna complex? Something to think about. How do you know your wife would be opposed to it, if you've never talked about it? You could begin by discussing sexual fantasies in general with her. Ask her about her wishes as a way to open the conversation. And talk about it a little at a time, slowly getting used to sharing this information.
If you read the post one of his examples is sticking things up in his own butt so it seems more nuanced than that
Man she’s asking you what you want her to do . Maybe try to think of it this way , you are her husband, you are her safe person to try and enjoy new things with, she feels safe if she’s already asking. Now imagine if she was single now and asked a random guy or new bf if they would like her to do kinky stuff the chances are they would jump at the opportunity. So a random or a new guy would experiment with her when you won’t . My wife had a vanilla past but not because she was vanilla but because no bf would do kinky stuff with her, they were all just typical slam bam Thankyou mam types of guys who didn’t even like trying new positions. She met me and I 69ed her the first time then fucked her doggy , 3rd time we had sex I had anal with her , then we went up the sex shop. She was blown away from how kinky sex was so much fun and bought us to a very close connection very quick . We didn’t meet until late 20s but she has loads of firsts with me just not the run of the mill vanilla stuff. 20years later we are still kinky asf and she will lead new ideas and kinks as much as me. Her view of her exes sexually is they were boring asf . How as a partner do you want her to view you sexually? The guy who will only engage in Ballina sex with her, or the guy she is so trusting and connected to she want to experience a for filling kinky fun and inspiring long term sex life with?
>"It feels like I'd be abusing her horribly by making her do that sort of thing when she's really vanilla herself." This is a true statement on its own, but it contradicts "my wife asks if I want her to do any of the things I like". The only way to not feel like you're "making her" (which doesn't seem to be the case!) is communication - tell her that's what you're worried about. Ask her what she likes (presumably she likes some things because she asked you if you want things) about providing actions for you like the dildo use. Understanding \*how she feels\* can then help you move forward instead of just being in your head about it. Good luck!
Idk if I didn't describe the situation well enough but you're the only person so far who kinda got my intended meaning. She's offered to do stuff like the dildo use and I think she really wants to, but when she offers I immediately shut down and refuse because I reflexively think I'm a horrible person for even having desires
I'm so sorry you feel that way - to have desires is to be human. From here, you may need to decide if better communication with your wife is sufficient to facilitate exploration, or if you'd like to speak to a professional about deeper sources of your feelings to move forward. Communication ideas with your wife: * share your reasons for your hesitation as best you can * ask her how your hesitation has made her feel after she offers but you say no * ask her what she enjoys about offering or performing actions for you * ask her if she can give reassurances or affirmations (before? during? after? just words or something written or a symbol that you can come back to?) that she enjoys offering or performing actions for you - as something you need to feel comfortable to receive what she is offering Wish you all the best!
There is something in you that thinks that kink is shameful, and that she is too pure to enjoy such deviant things. You've put her on a pedestal. You need to do some inner work on those feelings of shame. Until you accept kink as a healthy expression of your sexuality, you will struggle with this. A kink positive therapist might help you improve your own self worth and self acceptance on this matter
After reading some of the other replies to this post, I understand you are not a fan of therapy. Getting over a fear of therapists without using a therapist might be pretty difficult. There are absolutely some shitty ones out there who take advantage of their position, but the VAST majority are good people who genuinely want to help people. I would really recommend watching Ted Lasso. The show is very healing in and of itself, but there's a fantastic arc to do with Ted's distrust of therapy.
Fuuuuuck if I was some woman who had a bad experience with a man and then hated all men, everyone would be cheering me on. But therapists get a fucking pass from everyone.
Talk to her about what she’s into or at the very least curious about. Or suggest a sex or link podcast that you found interesting and discuss afterwards.
You really didn't read my post lol
lol I tried I was just very stoned. My bad!
Practice. Start with little things. What is the kinky thing that makes you least uncomfortable to try with your wife? Do that, and find others. You don't have to go from zero to 69 in 2.8 seconds.
This
She's an adult, and can make her own choices based on her needs and your attentive mentoring. You were a powerless child unable to confront some awful adults, very differrent situation, yes? Start slow and gradually escalate at her pace. Perhaps you should suggest a few milder things to get started. Frame the discussion as "I knew a guy whos wife/gf would occasionally use nipple clamps/spank/ soft flogger/wax/your own personal entry point" Tell her they enjoyed consentual non-consent, with a safe word of your choice, the wife playing the top, to include getting to choose the act. You might also read her a few porn stories that turn you on. My gf loved "The story of O" to start a discussion and get me in the mood to top and her in the mood to bottom. Best wishes.
She doesn't sound vanilla to me if she's offering! She sounds like she wants you to have a good time which is a core value of kink (in my opinion anyway). Start with something small, intentionally observe how much she enjoys doing it with you, and move up from there.
I just don't want her to suddenly change the way she feels about me. I love this woman to death and I'm honestly fucking terrified of her ever seeing the "real me"