No this is a huge dealbreaker. It’s fine if he doesn’t want more children but it sounds as though you do want your own child(ren) or at least you’ve not definitely ruled it out for yourself. So that’s a fundamental incompatibility. You’ll never be happy with this man, you’ll always feel sad and cheated. Having a stepkid or “helping” with a stepkid is not a substitute for being a parent to your own child, it’s not even in the same ballpark.
Love yourself enough to walk away.
I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds like your guy is looking for an out and making it seem more like an out for you so he comes out looking like the saint and you look like the schmuck who didn't want to parent a child who is not your own (which is 1,000,000 % your right to not want to do so). I would honestly let him have that and take the out and walk away.
If there is ANY chance that you might want children in the future, you need to leave so you can find a man who you know for a fact is wanting the same as you. I'm afraid if you stick around hoping that you will either come around to his way of thinking or hoping you will change his mind, you are just going to wind up hurt and resentful.
I met my husband when my stepson was 5 and I would be really resentful right now if we didn’t have our son. If your boyfriend doesn’t want any more kids, and you want to be a mother, break up with him.
Why would you consider sacrifice having kids of your own? Just for not losing him?
I don't understand what's wrong with keeping SD's maternal family away from you? Why he thinks is something negative? Your family will be him, SD and the inlaws but his ex family it's not even his family.
You might raise your SD as your own and adore her, but the reality is that you won't be her bio mom. She'd love you in the best scenario and think of you as a second mom, but that's it, just a second place. Are you ok with that?
I've been a SM all my adult life, no kids of my own, BUT I never wanted to be a mom. So I never expected to have that place in my SK's lifes.
Your boyfriend is right. There might be time in the future where you regret it and then resent him for this decision. My life as a SM was thankless and unfulfilling until I had one of my own children. Being on the other side of things, I would never have been content or happy unless I could have my own. You will always feel like you’re on the outside of your own family looking in.
Honestly, it sounds like he's looking for an out. Keeping the biomom away from you is a basic courtesy...it's not your responsibility to coparent with her...it's his.
And yes, people have one mom, the one who gave birth to them. It's OK not to be mom. It's OK to be a stepmom, that's not a bad word.
Sounds like you need to decide what you want out of life. If you want kids of your own, or to be recognized as "mom", it's not going to happen with this bunch, and I'd suggest moving on to allow yourself the possibility of finding someone who wants what you want. At age 30 - you have a few more years to make that happen (if having kids is what you want).
For me personally, having stepkids \*is\* quite enough (or more than enough, lol!), but then again I don't get upset when I don't get mother's day gifts or recognition as a "mother" and I'm perfectly content being a stepmom. Notice I don't say "just" a stepmom, because that's a tiny part of who I am.
Really, if you need people to see you as "mom" and feel that taking care of someone else's child entitles you to be seen that way, you're with the wrong guy. I'd say either step back from the childcare (probably not a bad idea either way, imho) and change your mindset about how you want to be seen, or go all in and find someone who actually wants to have a child with you and refer to you as "mom". Regardless, he certainly needs to keep his ex away from you if that's what you've requested. Hurling accusations at you in response to a reasonable boundary is not a good sign.
Take it from a person who has been through this before. I was 18 when I married my husband and I knew he was already fixed so no babies for us. We were the perfect family unit, I was simply mom to SS and SD. Enter their teenage years, HCBM brainwashed them and they decided to live with her and their stepdad and their new half brother full time. That’s when I realized I wasn’t mom and was never going to be. I was a childless by marriage woman and that’s when my depression set in.
I spent thousands on therapists who told me “you knew what you were getting into.” & “you’re just not the one he chose to have kids with, you need to get over it”. It was truly the worst years of my life. I couldn’t handle seeing babies, hearing about babies, anything would trigger horrible anxiety attacks.
Around our 6th/7th year of marriage, my husband broke down like I’d never seen before and we had the best heart to heart conversation that we have ever had. One of the things he said that constantly plays in my head is “I want a baby with the person I was meant to have a baby with. My past was a huge mistake, and I realize how horrible of a husband I would be to take this away from you.” He had his vasectomy reversed this past February and we’ve been trying since then.
Please save yourself the years of heartache and decide now what you want. No man is worth giving up your dreams of being a mom. Theres billions of men in the world who would love to make you a mama and who want it just as much as you do. Lots of hugs to you 💕
I was very upfront with the fact that I wanted kids and wouldn’t continue a relationship with my now husband unless we were to try having children of our own. I explained that it was unfair of him to expect me not to want to build a family because he already had. I think you need to explain to him that you either really do want children or that you expect to be acknowledged for the mothering that you do (whether or not that is what child calls you, you are still mothering that child)
Having stepkids is only enough if either you never actually want to be a full parent, or maybe if the mom isn't in the picture for whatever reason and you're more like an adoptive mom. If you want your own kids, eventually, you won't be able to get over all the differences between being a stepmom and a full mom. You won't have full say over decisions, your stepkid will always prefer their bioparents, and your relationship will always be very conditional probably on both sides. And the resentment will grow the more and more obvious this becomes.
It's not that there aren't upsides to being a stepparent. But for me, those upsides (not having full responsibility, not having the full weight of the very intense love kids have for parents, not having kids the entire time) are pretty incompatible with wanting to be a full mom. It's only worth it for me to stay because I don't actually want my own kids. I agree with the other comments that staying in this relationship probably isn't a good idea for you.
Firstly she is her only mom.
Secondly he can’t make it any more plain that he’s done with having kids. You want a baby. Those 2 only add up to you wasting your time.
25 is way to young to give up your option to have a child. Being child free by choice should be a decision you make for you, not for a relationship. I agree with him, don’t waste more time when there are so many men out there.
No. I love my SD but it is not the same as having your own and I fear you will look back and regret this so much. Please leave. Stop wasting your time. Someone out there will give you the life you want.
No this is a huge dealbreaker. It’s fine if he doesn’t want more children but it sounds as though you do want your own child(ren) or at least you’ve not definitely ruled it out for yourself. So that’s a fundamental incompatibility. You’ll never be happy with this man, you’ll always feel sad and cheated. Having a stepkid or “helping” with a stepkid is not a substitute for being a parent to your own child, it’s not even in the same ballpark. Love yourself enough to walk away.
Nope. I agree with him. This may wind up being a huge source of resentment for you.
Don't give up your dreams for a man. No one is worth that. If you want children, move on. He isn't willing to bend for you.
I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds like your guy is looking for an out and making it seem more like an out for you so he comes out looking like the saint and you look like the schmuck who didn't want to parent a child who is not your own (which is 1,000,000 % your right to not want to do so). I would honestly let him have that and take the out and walk away. If there is ANY chance that you might want children in the future, you need to leave so you can find a man who you know for a fact is wanting the same as you. I'm afraid if you stick around hoping that you will either come around to his way of thinking or hoping you will change his mind, you are just going to wind up hurt and resentful.
I met my husband when my stepson was 5 and I would be really resentful right now if we didn’t have our son. If your boyfriend doesn’t want any more kids, and you want to be a mother, break up with him.
Why would you consider sacrifice having kids of your own? Just for not losing him? I don't understand what's wrong with keeping SD's maternal family away from you? Why he thinks is something negative? Your family will be him, SD and the inlaws but his ex family it's not even his family. You might raise your SD as your own and adore her, but the reality is that you won't be her bio mom. She'd love you in the best scenario and think of you as a second mom, but that's it, just a second place. Are you ok with that? I've been a SM all my adult life, no kids of my own, BUT I never wanted to be a mom. So I never expected to have that place in my SK's lifes.
Your boyfriend is right. There might be time in the future where you regret it and then resent him for this decision. My life as a SM was thankless and unfulfilling until I had one of my own children. Being on the other side of things, I would never have been content or happy unless I could have my own. You will always feel like you’re on the outside of your own family looking in.
Deal breaker. Sorry. You will resent him.
Honestly, it sounds like he's looking for an out. Keeping the biomom away from you is a basic courtesy...it's not your responsibility to coparent with her...it's his. And yes, people have one mom, the one who gave birth to them. It's OK not to be mom. It's OK to be a stepmom, that's not a bad word. Sounds like you need to decide what you want out of life. If you want kids of your own, or to be recognized as "mom", it's not going to happen with this bunch, and I'd suggest moving on to allow yourself the possibility of finding someone who wants what you want. At age 30 - you have a few more years to make that happen (if having kids is what you want). For me personally, having stepkids \*is\* quite enough (or more than enough, lol!), but then again I don't get upset when I don't get mother's day gifts or recognition as a "mother" and I'm perfectly content being a stepmom. Notice I don't say "just" a stepmom, because that's a tiny part of who I am. Really, if you need people to see you as "mom" and feel that taking care of someone else's child entitles you to be seen that way, you're with the wrong guy. I'd say either step back from the childcare (probably not a bad idea either way, imho) and change your mindset about how you want to be seen, or go all in and find someone who actually wants to have a child with you and refer to you as "mom". Regardless, he certainly needs to keep his ex away from you if that's what you've requested. Hurling accusations at you in response to a reasonable boundary is not a good sign.
Take it from a person who has been through this before. I was 18 when I married my husband and I knew he was already fixed so no babies for us. We were the perfect family unit, I was simply mom to SS and SD. Enter their teenage years, HCBM brainwashed them and they decided to live with her and their stepdad and their new half brother full time. That’s when I realized I wasn’t mom and was never going to be. I was a childless by marriage woman and that’s when my depression set in. I spent thousands on therapists who told me “you knew what you were getting into.” & “you’re just not the one he chose to have kids with, you need to get over it”. It was truly the worst years of my life. I couldn’t handle seeing babies, hearing about babies, anything would trigger horrible anxiety attacks. Around our 6th/7th year of marriage, my husband broke down like I’d never seen before and we had the best heart to heart conversation that we have ever had. One of the things he said that constantly plays in my head is “I want a baby with the person I was meant to have a baby with. My past was a huge mistake, and I realize how horrible of a husband I would be to take this away from you.” He had his vasectomy reversed this past February and we’ve been trying since then. Please save yourself the years of heartache and decide now what you want. No man is worth giving up your dreams of being a mom. Theres billions of men in the world who would love to make you a mama and who want it just as much as you do. Lots of hugs to you 💕
I was very upfront with the fact that I wanted kids and wouldn’t continue a relationship with my now husband unless we were to try having children of our own. I explained that it was unfair of him to expect me not to want to build a family because he already had. I think you need to explain to him that you either really do want children or that you expect to be acknowledged for the mothering that you do (whether or not that is what child calls you, you are still mothering that child)
Having stepkids is only enough if either you never actually want to be a full parent, or maybe if the mom isn't in the picture for whatever reason and you're more like an adoptive mom. If you want your own kids, eventually, you won't be able to get over all the differences between being a stepmom and a full mom. You won't have full say over decisions, your stepkid will always prefer their bioparents, and your relationship will always be very conditional probably on both sides. And the resentment will grow the more and more obvious this becomes. It's not that there aren't upsides to being a stepparent. But for me, those upsides (not having full responsibility, not having the full weight of the very intense love kids have for parents, not having kids the entire time) are pretty incompatible with wanting to be a full mom. It's only worth it for me to stay because I don't actually want my own kids. I agree with the other comments that staying in this relationship probably isn't a good idea for you.
Firstly she is her only mom. Secondly he can’t make it any more plain that he’s done with having kids. You want a baby. Those 2 only add up to you wasting your time.
25 is way to young to give up your option to have a child. Being child free by choice should be a decision you make for you, not for a relationship. I agree with him, don’t waste more time when there are so many men out there.
No. I love my SD but it is not the same as having your own and I fear you will look back and regret this so much. Please leave. Stop wasting your time. Someone out there will give you the life you want.
If having a child of your own one day is something you *really* must have, run now while you can, friend.