Why would you avoid the topic?
It's a pretty simple response, "Brother/Sister have a different mommy, and they go to stay with their mommy when they aren't here."
Exactly. Use factual statements and kids easily understand it. Ours kid is 6 and asks a lot of questions. I’ve factually explained it all. Not emotional about any of it. She gets it. The “why” isn’t discussed yet - I’d imagine that will come in the tween years when she’s exploring friendships and relationships dynamics.
Yep, no need to overthink it. There’s really nothing to explain. My child has always known that I’m not SK’s mom and that SK lives with his mom too. That’s all my child has ever known so it’s not weird to him.
“[Sibling] is at their mom’s/dad’s house.” It’s that simple. I doubt a child that age would have difficult follow-up questions. Our “ours baby” didn’t - and still really doesn’t at 6. Sometimes he’d ask “why?” and we’d answer “because it’s her mom’s/dad’s turn to spend time with her” or “it’s her turn to spend time with her mom/dad.”
His whole life, his older sisters have spent time at their other parents’ houses and we’ve always just said “[sister] is going to her mom’s” or “[other sister] is going to her dad’s.” He knows that one sister has a different mom and his other sister has a different dad and hasn’t asked more questions about that yet. I’m prepared for him to ask more questions as he gets older, but not worried about it because we’ve never talked around the fact that both of his older siblings have a different parent. It’s really not a big deal unless you make it one and in my experience, it’s best to start early and simply. You got this!
I grew up with siblings who had a different mom & I have 2 kids with siblings that have a different mom. It’s really not that complicated & as a kid I got it. My kids get it, they know their older siblings have a mom (that’s not me) and they have a home with their mom.
I make sure my kids don’t hear me say anything negative about their siblings mom. We talk about facts: “they’re at mom’s house.” “They got new shoes with their mom.” “They went camping with their mom, it’s fun to go camping with family.”
My kids have been told that one time dad was married to the SKs mom just like dad and mom are married. They have 2 houses, and you have 1 house. They’ve never asked why they aren’t married, they really honestly don’t care.
As a kid I didn’t care my dad was married before. I knew my parents were married now and that we had a stable strong home. It’s simple easy & not hostile at all.
My “ours” twins are almost eight, and we’ve never had a big conversation, just simply answered questions as they were asked.
Brother #2 is going to his mom’s house, you guys have the same dad but different moms. Brother #1 has the same mom, but they have trouble getting along so he spends all his time here, etc.
It’s best to just answer questions simply and wait for follow on questions, rather than have big explanations. We have had multiple discussions about half siblings and what that means, and kids are usually pretty willing to accept it.
Agree with others that a simple, truthful response is all that’s required.
I would also add that if there are challenging follow-up questions in the future, you can always direct your bio to your SO. Let him take on the emotional labor of explaining BM. Ultimately it’s his story, not yours.
We had a good conversation with my SKs about this when I was pregnant because they asked if it would be weird that they don’t call me mum, but by my name or nickname. We just told them that whatever we make normal for the baby will be normal. They won’t question it. This then led to them joking that they want to teach the baby that Harry Potter and magic was real. Just to prank them on their 11th birthday! Hilarious, but they got the point.
Anyway all that to say, your family will be the norm for them and they won’t question it or be impacted emotionally by it unless it is presented to them as distressing.
I do wonder when my daughter will start asking these questions but I don’t think it’s like that traumatizing to explain the reason. My parents aren’t divorced but my dad grew up with his “half siblings.” It’s pretty normalized these days as the nuclear family isn’t as common as it used to be.
When she asks we will just explain that her older sibling has a different mother. That’s the easy part. The hard part is explaining why she can’t go to her siblings other house 😂
I've been in SKs life since they were learning to talk. It was kind of inevitable that they would call me mom, so we've always talked about tummy mom and step mom roles and when we had ours baby why they go but BD stays. About how you can have a tummy mom and a step mom, or an adoptive mom. Each mom is only one kind of mom to each kid. Im SKs Step Mom because I'm married to Daddy. I'm BDs mom because I'm her Tummy Mom. Tummy moms and Tummy Dads have to share the kids to make it fair. SKs Tummy parents don't live together anymore, so they have to go to her house. BM is not BDs mom at all, so BD stays here, with me, her tummy mom.
Haha my moms friend has 2 kids that are older and then she remarried and had another kid that’s probably like 12 years younger than the first 2 and I guess when he started being more aware he was like “when do I get to go to my other dads house with my brothers?” Referring to his older siblings dad 😂 so cute.
My bd would do the same thing. Then started telling me these elaborate stories of being at her mom’s house. Girl, I am your mother! This is your only house!
From the beginning we have been 100% upfront that they have the same daddy but different mommies and when the other kids leave they go to spend time with their mommy. When my son started saying he wanted to go somewhere too he would spend the night at my mom's house every now and again so he could have somewhere to go too lol.
Just had this convo yesterday: “Daddy used to be partners with SSs mom, and they had SS. Now your dad is partners with me, and we had you! You spend time with your mom and dad, and so does SS!”
What is there to avoid? Kids aren’t stupid, don’t treat them as such. They go to their mom’s house.
“Why do they have a different mommy?”
Dad was married to their mommy and got divorced.
“Why?”
Because sometimes things don’t work out.
I have had many conversations with my kids about their older brother and sister having a different mom, I don’t bring it up but I answer all of their questions truthfully and on an age appropriate level. It doesn’t hurt them to know the truth.
She’s at her other house, she didn’t come out of my belly like you and brother so she’s with her mommy whose belly she came out of and her other daddy. Not a big deal at all. Can’t imagine why it would ever be avoided.
“Ours” is 2 1/2 and totally understands that SS7 has a different mom and stays with her during the week. At first we said he was at school, which was true and something he could understand, but then I didn’t want him to associate school with being gone over night for days at a time as he’s nearing preschool age.
My son figured it out quite quickly. It's their normal and they fall into it like any other family dynamic. We told him his sisters had a different mom, even though they called me mom. I was only their step-mom and they were brother and sisters because of daddy. He met their mom when he was first born so she wasn't a stranger to him by any means anyways. Now that he is 9 and she also has a 9year old and they are in the same class, they hang out all the time. Everyone thinks they are brothers and they have to explain they are not actually brothers but they have the same sisters. lol
Absolutely would not avoid telling them! That just leads to confusion. Be direct and keep it simple.
Don’t let the failure of your DH’s past ever ruin your current moment and future.
I wake up everyday to give my daughter the best.
Whatever family DH had before you didn’t end in a family. It’s now broken. But you aren’t. Keep it that way.
Who cares what anyone “starts”. It’s how things continue, how bonds form over the years and continue to grow until we reach our elder years.
Anyone can start anything. The winners are those who stayed together, persevered - and built permanent bonds until the end.
Look around you at those who started businesses and failed. So many. Only a few succeed and continue to succeed.
I really wish there were more voices on here of women who started new nuclear families - who married a man that had previous kids and aren’t bothered by this stuff at all because they really aren’t involved with stepkids. Stepmoms who are busy with their own kids and their nuclear unit that they don’t worry about these “conversations”.
I am so glad that there is almost 2 decades of age gap between my bio daughter and stepsons. My stepsons want nothing to do with my daughter. And I’m extremely happy about that.
By the time my daughter is barely 4, stepkids will be moved out of my house. She won’t even remember them, but we’ll tell her that yes, dad had 3 kids with a psycho evil woman in his past who he deeply regrets ever knowing. And we’d advise her not to make the same mistake.
Because BM is so psychotic, and we don’t know if stepkids will ever reconnect with her, DH and I will do everything to protect our daughter. We both believe very limited contact with stepkids is best, if at all — after they move out. We just don’t trust their mom at all. And I don’t trust his kids ONE bit.
>I really wish there were more voices on here of women who started new nuclear families
I think that the fact that you are pretty... unique is nothing but a benefit for humanity as a whole.
I have avoided the topic only because my daughter is still 5 years old. Also, I’m not sure how my daughter will react… I’m scared it’ll break her heart so I’m avoiding for now but we’ll eventually sit down and talk with her. My SD lives with us primarily btw so she’s here way more than when she visits bio mom. Also, SD calls me mom and my daughter sees that
I’ve seen this topic a lot, and the stepmoms always worry about breaking their kid’s heart. Personally, I wonder if you’re projecting your own feelings onto your daughter a little.
With the kids in my family/life, they often accept these facts really easily without a lot of trauma, because they don’t grow up with nuclear families as the norm, and they don’t know that this is something to be heartbroken about as long as parents don’t convey that to them.
The caveat is, the conversation goes easier because it happens really early, before kids get more exposure to the outside world and learn what “normal” looks like. I worry that the longer you put it off, the more likely it is that you’ll get the reaction you’re worried about. It’ll seem more like a dirty secret, and if your daughter gets much older, she might pick up more easily how upset you are about it. The way I see it, it’s like telling a kid that they’re adopted, though definitely less serious- the longer you wait, the more issues pop up, and the more the kid feels like they’ve been living a lie.
Why would you avoid the topic? It's a pretty simple response, "Brother/Sister have a different mommy, and they go to stay with their mommy when they aren't here."
Exactly. Use factual statements and kids easily understand it. Ours kid is 6 and asks a lot of questions. I’ve factually explained it all. Not emotional about any of it. She gets it. The “why” isn’t discussed yet - I’d imagine that will come in the tween years when she’s exploring friendships and relationships dynamics.
I don't have any biokids, but other people I know generally just say "he/she is at his/her mom's". Nothing too fancy.
Yep, no need to overthink it. There’s really nothing to explain. My child has always known that I’m not SK’s mom and that SK lives with his mom too. That’s all my child has ever known so it’s not weird to him.
I’m not in this situation, but I don’t see a problem with telling the truth. SK is at their mom’s house. It’s not a dirty secret.
It’s not that it’s a secret. It’s trying to explain it so that a 2-3 year old child can understand
“[Sibling] is at their mom’s/dad’s house.” It’s that simple. I doubt a child that age would have difficult follow-up questions. Our “ours baby” didn’t - and still really doesn’t at 6. Sometimes he’d ask “why?” and we’d answer “because it’s her mom’s/dad’s turn to spend time with her” or “it’s her turn to spend time with her mom/dad.” His whole life, his older sisters have spent time at their other parents’ houses and we’ve always just said “[sister] is going to her mom’s” or “[other sister] is going to her dad’s.” He knows that one sister has a different mom and his other sister has a different dad and hasn’t asked more questions about that yet. I’m prepared for him to ask more questions as he gets older, but not worried about it because we’ve never talked around the fact that both of his older siblings have a different parent. It’s really not a big deal unless you make it one and in my experience, it’s best to start early and simply. You got this!
I grew up with siblings who had a different mom & I have 2 kids with siblings that have a different mom. It’s really not that complicated & as a kid I got it. My kids get it, they know their older siblings have a mom (that’s not me) and they have a home with their mom. I make sure my kids don’t hear me say anything negative about their siblings mom. We talk about facts: “they’re at mom’s house.” “They got new shoes with their mom.” “They went camping with their mom, it’s fun to go camping with family.” My kids have been told that one time dad was married to the SKs mom just like dad and mom are married. They have 2 houses, and you have 1 house. They’ve never asked why they aren’t married, they really honestly don’t care. As a kid I didn’t care my dad was married before. I knew my parents were married now and that we had a stable strong home. It’s simple easy & not hostile at all.
My “ours” twins are almost eight, and we’ve never had a big conversation, just simply answered questions as they were asked. Brother #2 is going to his mom’s house, you guys have the same dad but different moms. Brother #1 has the same mom, but they have trouble getting along so he spends all his time here, etc. It’s best to just answer questions simply and wait for follow on questions, rather than have big explanations. We have had multiple discussions about half siblings and what that means, and kids are usually pretty willing to accept it.
Agree with others that a simple, truthful response is all that’s required. I would also add that if there are challenging follow-up questions in the future, you can always direct your bio to your SO. Let him take on the emotional labor of explaining BM. Ultimately it’s his story, not yours.
We had a good conversation with my SKs about this when I was pregnant because they asked if it would be weird that they don’t call me mum, but by my name or nickname. We just told them that whatever we make normal for the baby will be normal. They won’t question it. This then led to them joking that they want to teach the baby that Harry Potter and magic was real. Just to prank them on their 11th birthday! Hilarious, but they got the point. Anyway all that to say, your family will be the norm for them and they won’t question it or be impacted emotionally by it unless it is presented to them as distressing.
I do wonder when my daughter will start asking these questions but I don’t think it’s like that traumatizing to explain the reason. My parents aren’t divorced but my dad grew up with his “half siblings.” It’s pretty normalized these days as the nuclear family isn’t as common as it used to be. When she asks we will just explain that her older sibling has a different mother. That’s the easy part. The hard part is explaining why she can’t go to her siblings other house 😂
I've been in SKs life since they were learning to talk. It was kind of inevitable that they would call me mom, so we've always talked about tummy mom and step mom roles and when we had ours baby why they go but BD stays. About how you can have a tummy mom and a step mom, or an adoptive mom. Each mom is only one kind of mom to each kid. Im SKs Step Mom because I'm married to Daddy. I'm BDs mom because I'm her Tummy Mom. Tummy moms and Tummy Dads have to share the kids to make it fair. SKs Tummy parents don't live together anymore, so they have to go to her house. BM is not BDs mom at all, so BD stays here, with me, her tummy mom.
Haha my moms friend has 2 kids that are older and then she remarried and had another kid that’s probably like 12 years younger than the first 2 and I guess when he started being more aware he was like “when do I get to go to my other dads house with my brothers?” Referring to his older siblings dad 😂 so cute.
My bd would do the same thing. Then started telling me these elaborate stories of being at her mom’s house. Girl, I am your mother! This is your only house!
From the beginning we have been 100% upfront that they have the same daddy but different mommies and when the other kids leave they go to spend time with their mommy. When my son started saying he wanted to go somewhere too he would spend the night at my mom's house every now and again so he could have somewhere to go too lol.
We say “ blank is at their mommy’s house “ she is too little to understand how that works. When she’s older I’ll tell her the truth
Just had this convo yesterday: “Daddy used to be partners with SSs mom, and they had SS. Now your dad is partners with me, and we had you! You spend time with your mom and dad, and so does SS!”
What is there to avoid? Kids aren’t stupid, don’t treat them as such. They go to their mom’s house. “Why do they have a different mommy?” Dad was married to their mommy and got divorced. “Why?” Because sometimes things don’t work out. I have had many conversations with my kids about their older brother and sister having a different mom, I don’t bring it up but I answer all of their questions truthfully and on an age appropriate level. It doesn’t hurt them to know the truth.
She’s at her other house, she didn’t come out of my belly like you and brother so she’s with her mommy whose belly she came out of and her other daddy. Not a big deal at all. Can’t imagine why it would ever be avoided.
“Ours” is 2 1/2 and totally understands that SS7 has a different mom and stays with her during the week. At first we said he was at school, which was true and something he could understand, but then I didn’t want him to associate school with being gone over night for days at a time as he’s nearing preschool age.
My son figured it out quite quickly. It's their normal and they fall into it like any other family dynamic. We told him his sisters had a different mom, even though they called me mom. I was only their step-mom and they were brother and sisters because of daddy. He met their mom when he was first born so she wasn't a stranger to him by any means anyways. Now that he is 9 and she also has a 9year old and they are in the same class, they hang out all the time. Everyone thinks they are brothers and they have to explain they are not actually brothers but they have the same sisters. lol Absolutely would not avoid telling them! That just leads to confusion. Be direct and keep it simple.
Following to see the answers. I’m not particularly excited to explain to my little girl one day that her daddy had a family before us…
You don’t need to phrase it that way to her.
I guess I assumed at some point she will ask “why does sd have a different mom”
I’d probably say something like “SD was born long before daddy and I met and got married.”
Don’t let the failure of your DH’s past ever ruin your current moment and future. I wake up everyday to give my daughter the best. Whatever family DH had before you didn’t end in a family. It’s now broken. But you aren’t. Keep it that way. Who cares what anyone “starts”. It’s how things continue, how bonds form over the years and continue to grow until we reach our elder years. Anyone can start anything. The winners are those who stayed together, persevered - and built permanent bonds until the end. Look around you at those who started businesses and failed. So many. Only a few succeed and continue to succeed.
I really wish there were more voices on here of women who started new nuclear families - who married a man that had previous kids and aren’t bothered by this stuff at all because they really aren’t involved with stepkids. Stepmoms who are busy with their own kids and their nuclear unit that they don’t worry about these “conversations”. I am so glad that there is almost 2 decades of age gap between my bio daughter and stepsons. My stepsons want nothing to do with my daughter. And I’m extremely happy about that. By the time my daughter is barely 4, stepkids will be moved out of my house. She won’t even remember them, but we’ll tell her that yes, dad had 3 kids with a psycho evil woman in his past who he deeply regrets ever knowing. And we’d advise her not to make the same mistake. Because BM is so psychotic, and we don’t know if stepkids will ever reconnect with her, DH and I will do everything to protect our daughter. We both believe very limited contact with stepkids is best, if at all — after they move out. We just don’t trust their mom at all. And I don’t trust his kids ONE bit.
>I really wish there were more voices on here of women who started new nuclear families I think that the fact that you are pretty... unique is nothing but a benefit for humanity as a whole.
I have avoided the topic only because my daughter is still 5 years old. Also, I’m not sure how my daughter will react… I’m scared it’ll break her heart so I’m avoiding for now but we’ll eventually sit down and talk with her. My SD lives with us primarily btw so she’s here way more than when she visits bio mom. Also, SD calls me mom and my daughter sees that
I’ve seen this topic a lot, and the stepmoms always worry about breaking their kid’s heart. Personally, I wonder if you’re projecting your own feelings onto your daughter a little. With the kids in my family/life, they often accept these facts really easily without a lot of trauma, because they don’t grow up with nuclear families as the norm, and they don’t know that this is something to be heartbroken about as long as parents don’t convey that to them. The caveat is, the conversation goes easier because it happens really early, before kids get more exposure to the outside world and learn what “normal” looks like. I worry that the longer you put it off, the more likely it is that you’ll get the reaction you’re worried about. It’ll seem more like a dirty secret, and if your daughter gets much older, she might pick up more easily how upset you are about it. The way I see it, it’s like telling a kid that they’re adopted, though definitely less serious- the longer you wait, the more issues pop up, and the more the kid feels like they’ve been living a lie.
I disagree but thanks!