If I understand correctly, your regulars told your wife that the flakers had sex with them instead of you, because the flakers didn't like your wife's mom bod? It is actually pretty shitty of your regulars to say that. They must think it too, AND they are very inconsiderate. I would never see them again. Good for your wife to have refused to play with them. Fuck them.

I can't upvote this enough! Both of those couples are total and complete assholes and represent much of what is wrong with the LS. Never kiss and tell and never gossip about other couples! We would NEVER do that to people we consider our friends. Move on from both couples and find REAL friends. Have her indulge in a sexy boudoir photo session! Show it to your NEW friends and let them fawn over her!

Sexy boudoir photoshoot is SUCH a good idea 🙌🏼

I totally agree. That will get some self esteem back to see her sexy. PS You're one of my favorite couples here.

☺️🫶🏼

Amen

The regulars have reached out and apologized. The husband also sent out a message reminding my wife that she is on of his favorites, not just sexually but as a person. He enjoys their conversations. They know they messed up. She has not wanted to cut them off but I think a long pause is in order.

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And she usually does. She gets to go on a work related adventure with a group of guys. I know most will hit on her at some point.

That has happened to us once. We get a cancellation the day of, so we were like, let's go out to eat. In a town of 5,000,000 people, 45 minutes from our house, we end up in the same restaurant as the couple who canceled, having dinner with some of our good friends! We go say hi, and we eat our dinner, and go home. The next day, our friends call us and apologize for stealing our date: they did not know until the end of their dinner when the other couple told them. We were like: that has nothing to do with you, you had no idea. Our friends said: we were so upset by what they had done to you that we never played with them, although they were gorgeous and fun. I was like: you are my friends for life!

Sorry that you went through something similar. Unfortunately this did not stop them from playing which adds to my frustration the more I think about it.

Of course. Your frustration is very understandable. Fuck those 2 couples. Plenty of fish in the sea.

Cut them out, this is really an unforgivable mistake in my book. They knew it was wrong to tell you.

I’m right there with you. She is quicker to forgive.

It’s one thing for them to say they played with the other couple. But to tell your wife that it’s the fault of her body is so cruel

We have ceased communication with them.

How did they explain revealing something that would be such a big blow to your wife's self esteem?

I asked my wife exactly how things went down and she told me that she commented to the wife how she had hoped things would go well with the couple that flaked. She really felt there was a good rapport established and couldn’t understand why they would back out. She said we knew in our gut they were not being honest about their reasons. She reiterated that she would really enjoy the husband. It was at that point that the wife of the couple stated that they were definitely good in bed. She said they met with them on the night we would have been out. They were also told they ditched us for them. I will not repeat the hurtful things said about reasons. This did not stop couple two from playing that night. As of this evening both couples have been dropped from our contacts and have been told to cease communication with us.

Okay - at first, I thought you were going to maintain some kind of relationship with the couple that revealed that really hurtful stuff. good job dropping them.

Good for you. Serious a-holes, both couples.

Also keep on mind that they may not have known at the moment that the flakers ditched you for them or that the people they ditched were you guy when sharing the story with your wife. So I wouldn't be so quick to assume malice from your regulars. I empathize with you wife though becasue my partner is Autistic and has rejection sensitivity so it's really hard for her to navigate the lifestyle when there is a very blatant bodyshaming culture that just exists as normal out there. We're giving private events with friends a try so the risk of being shot down by strangers is less.

Based on apologies, I would have to gather that it was known. It’s unfortunate that for as much as we ask for tolerance of who we are, there are those that choose to only look at the surface. If I did that I would have missed so many amazing things.

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I don’t think there will ever be an honest answer. It’s definitely given pause to wanting to meet with people at the moment. I don’t think it will ever stop us but there will be that nagging voice reminding us of this moment.

And maybe they’re just inept serial killers. 🤦

Whether they knew or not doesn't matter. You don't tell your friend someone called them fat! SMH.

Also keep on mind that they may not have known at the moment that the flakers ditched you for them or that the people they ditched were you guy when sharing the story with your wife. So I wouldn't be so quick to assume malice from your regulars. I empathize with you wife though becasue my partner is Autistic and has rejection sensitivity so it's really hard for her to navigate the lifestyle when there is a very blatant bodyshaming culture that just exists as normal out there. We're giving private events with friends a try so the risk of being shot down by strangers is less.

Yep. The regulars are not only super lacking in discretion, but also common decency. Really unbelievably crass. No amount of alcohol excuses their “slip”.

Totally agree

I was trying to find a way to illustrate how this was shitty all around...poor fucking folks.

Nah fr. The friends sound shady af.

I almost never agree with Angela but she’s 100% right on this one. That was a super shitty thing to say from your supposed friends.

Finally! :)

The only way you would be wrong, is if the regulars didn't know that the other fools flaked on OP to be with them instead. Sometimes shit happens and everyone is left in the dark....except for those assholes. Fuck them.

I can’t get past the feeling of why Couple #1 felt comfortable enough to tell Couple #2 their reasoning for blowing you off. 🤔

Or why couple #2 would share that w/ OP's wife.

Yeah what a weird fucking conversation. Pre-sex convo: “hey, guess what? I was going to bang someone else, but I ditched them to bang you because they have a stomach.” I’d be totally turned off, even as a woman who’s fit. The need to put someone else down to prop me up, AND just how shallow you have to be to not only do this but be GLOATING about doing it is strange.

I’m not sure that couple #1 was aware that we played with #2 or that we would play that soon. Not dismissing what was done, I just don’t feel it was something they considered.

Is it possible the reg partners were full of shit and never met the other couple but out of jealousy they wanted to make sure they were the only couple you played with?

Yikes, this is a painful one. I feel for your wife. Honestly, I am shocked that your regular play partners would relay such information, in such terms. That just seems incredibly insensitive and unnecessary. I don't have a magic fix, unfortunately. I find that what helps my self-esteem when it comes to looks is: 1. Exercising (which sounds like your wife is doing). 2. Buying new clothes that make me feel sexy. 3. Going out to community events, and seeing that plenty of people don't give a shit about whatever thing I may be insecure about. It may take some time for this blow to blow over, so I'd just be patient and try to make sure you make your wife feel desired.

Thank you. Again I don’t think it was meant to be said. There was some heavy drinking going on and it just came out. I know there’s no magic fix. If she hurts, I hurt with her. I’m frustrated on her behalf. My heart hurts for her.

I know exactly how she feels. As a woman, it's hard for us. Because it seems like most of the men want the "perfect" woman. We have been stood up a few times. Sounds like you are doing exactly what is needed. All I can say is keep reminding her that she is beautiful and loved. Wish you both the best.

Doing exactly that. She knows she’s my world. We all have our imperfections and that’s what makes us unique and beautiful. Thank you for the kind words.

Give her a gentle (or not) smack on the bum from all of us 😇

It’s one of my favorite things to do.

How about arrange an MFM threesome where she's the center of attention?

That’s on my “to do” list.

First, I know you mean well, but when you say “For the record I love her body no matter how she looks,” this isn’t quite the compliment you might think it is, and I’m hoping you didn’t say anything like this to her while she was feeling down. Basically, this kind of stuff can be a blow to anyone’s ego. Is this the first time she has experienced anyone not being into her physically? Has she historically been the “draw” for you guys as a couple (and that’s not meant as a slight on you. Just a reality of the LS that women tend to be the more sought after of the couple)?

She is the draw. And I would never “for the record” her. I look her in the eye and remind her of how beautiful she is. The LS has made us very open in our communication in what we know is sexy with the other. She is definitely the draw for us. She has a way about her that men and women find attractive. I am not at all hurt that she is what attracts people. I’m turned on by it and understand what they’re seeing. I do get where that’s a blow to the ego if that’s part of what attracts people to us.

I agree. Nothing makes me cringe harder than when a husband says “She’s beautiful to me!” or some other variation.

Do you really think he told his wife this?

I’m inclined to disagree with your first statement but I’m curious to know how you would have stated it differently?

The way it’s phrased, it’s like he’s saying “I think she’s beautiful…but I get why other people don’t.” Now, I don’t think that’s what OP means, but in a situation like this you have to pick your words carefully. His wife is losing weight, so it’s safe to say she’s feeling a bit vulnerable about how she looks. Then this couple comes along and confirms her fears. To top it off, it sounds like her husband is saying “I think she’s beautiful, and I always will, but I understand why others wouldn’t.” That’s a possible trifecta of feeling bad about yourself. This isn’t something anyone, man or woman, wants to confront. This swinging life is fraught, because everyone faces rejection, and it helps if you have thick skin, but so few of us really do, and even those of us with the thickest skin still have things that we get insecure about. So, how would I have phrased what OP said? I personally would have just left out that qualifier all together. This is a thing I see on here a lot, people who feel the need to qualify that they find their spouse attractive, and I don’t really see the need to do that. We get it. You’re married. It’s safe to assume you find your spouse attractive. If I had to actually rephrase it, I suppose I would have said something like “My wife has been working out, and she’s really been feeling herself, and she looks amazing.” I don’t know, that’s my first stab, but it’s doesn’t feel as potentially backhanded as the original wording. And, again, I don’t think OP was being actually malicious. I get what he was trying to convey, and my initial comment was meant to offer some advice about how one words or says things when someone is in a vulnerable situation.

You are correct in your assessment. I did not mean it to be offensive to her or anyone else. I will choose my words carefully and take time to read it back before posting. I would not want to hurt her with my hastily worded defense. Words have power.

For me personally I want to hear both things from my husband - that he finds me sexy no matter what I look like, AND that I am sexy (to him and/or others).

I hope you don’t think I was having a go at you at all. You sound like a good dude trying to help out your wife in shitty situation caused by really shitty people. Your words and phrasing here are the least of the issue. Honestly, I say everything I said before from a place of experience. I’ve been in situations where my wife was feeling down, and I know that the things I told her came from a place of wanting to help, but in hindsight they just made things a little worse. Most of what everyone has been saying here has been truly solid advice. I hope this experience with a few assholes doesn’t completely sour her on all this and that you both find some other couples to have some fun with!

No, I didn’t take offense to what you were saying. I’m a believer that people are capable of civil conversation and was agreeing that I could have phrased things better. Between frustration and hastily typing, I could have done a better job. Thank you for your kind words and support. I know she appreciates this as well.

Odd that 1 told 2 even more odd that 2 told your wife. Time to remove both those couples from your life.

She is reading the advice on here and has decided to agree that I was right in wanting to cut ties.

Had a few negative comments about my body or my gfs. I am thankful. Now I know they are garbage and don’t waste time on them

Exactly.

Your regulars sound like assholes..why even mention it

My wife and I haven’t ever swing…. Swang…. Swapped before, but we have talked about it and it’s on an eventual list for use to expand experiences. That being said mom bods are hot, they might not be everyone’s thing but just because one person doesn’t like them doesn’t mean it’s everyone. I like the realness.

The realness and there is just something sensual about mom bods.

Bingo. For every person that dislikes a mom bod there's 1 (or 5) more that do like it/prefer it. Tell her to keep her head up. Based on all the comments, you two sound like you're both excellent people individually and as a couple. I love the boudoir photo shoot and MFM ideas previously shared. I've never met somebody who hasn't felt better after a boudoir shoot, regardless of size/shape/age. And if you're both good with MFM, no better way to make her feel double the attraction.

You may consider a MFM threesome where the guy can (with you) just focus on your wife’s pleasure and making her feel desirable and sexy again. Then go back into your regular swinging. Agree with the other posters who said both of the other couples screwed up in gossiping about others. Glad to hear you reconciled with the one couple you call regulars.

I’ve talked to her about the MFM and she’s on board. As far as our regulars, I’m not sure reconciling is how I would define things. We accepted their apologies and were moving on without them.

Just wanted to comment to say I'm sorry that this happened. That really sucks. I don't think I have a terrible body, but definitely a dad bod and my wife might have a *little* mom bod going on (she sees it more than I do) but she's definitely super sexy. I do question sometimes if play partners aren't as into me because I'm not as fit as she is and it's not a comfortable position to be in. Not only is it a blow to the ego, you also feel like you're letting down your spouse. You seem like a really cool dude and I'm glad to hear how supportive you are of your wife. If sure she's super sexy and it really sucks that she's had this little setback.

Thank you. My wife is my world and God help those that hurt her.

The fact that your regulars even mentioned that is foul and not a good look. The flakers are in the wrong for cancelling last minute but kinda within their right. That wasn't their business to share that with your wife though Disappointing and frustrating but I think you guys dodged 2 (or 4 Lol) bullets.

We’re not upset about the flaking. We were dealing with that, obviously. The fact that they would bring it up is what hurts. I get if we acted like psychopaths but we simply said sorry things didn’t work and maybe we could try again. We knew there was no chance but we always try to be gracious about things.

Fuck them!!! Mom bods are so sexy to me and my wife! All bodies are sexy to me really. We have had very similar experiences. Some even not liking my dad bod🤷‍♂️ the last few years we have definitely decided to take steps towards finding better people that like us for us. We don’t play nearly as much but we definitely have made better friends with people because we don’t put up with stuff like that.

The irony to all of this is between ourselves and the other two couples, we’re pretty similar in build. That’s what we liked about them. Mom bods are hot and should be celebrated not shamed. Nothing sexier than a curvy woman know how to work those curves.

Yep I tell my wife the same thing. Just be healthy and happy! That makes a person sexy! Life is to short not to have a beer or dessert!

There once was an article written on a swinger site called “swinger algebra”. It used the example of 100 couples on a cruise ship, and the math of how many couples you would be compatible with for all sorts of reasons. The end results were two out of 100. Could be hair color, body type, personality, etc…. Bottom line is everyone has a type they are looking for, just because you don’t meet this certain couple’s type, doesn’t make either of you bad people. Just keep trying and you’ll find someone who is truly into you as you are.

Go vacation someplace like Hedonism. Nothing like a week of nudity with fun people to build a healthy perspective on your body

We were actually just looking at calendars and taking a vacation. I’m using this a backup to state my case further.

Make sure you show her she is beautiful in little moments throughout the day. Care for her, support her, compliment her. Confidence can be built on compliments if they are coming from the right person. You are her person, ergo you are that person. Take her out to restaurants. Buy her an outfit that you think she would rock the hell out of and make her feel like the most gorgeous woman in the room. Help her get her hair done or a massage. Give her a terrific lady day. She might come home with a different perspective of herself. Help her see herself through your eyes.

So this response is what I’m about. I have always made her a priority. When we wrote our vows, I promised my time to her. Nothing would ever be so important that she would feel like she was second best. Being in the LS has only boosted that. I have reservations at her favorite place a set up. I’ve scheduled time for her this week for the sex free no pressure pampering that she loves. It’s also good for her to see the positive comments on here. She’s not on much but knew I put this up. You all are helping her see the good side of the LS.

It's going to happen now and then. Women (and men) get discouraged when someone isn't interested in their bodies. But let's face it, this is a LS where visual stimulation is important, and not everyone is going to be what other couples are looking for. It's all personal preference. There will be people you aren't attracted to as well, but hopefully you will be nicer and simply not make the data to begin with. That's where the other couple was being a dick.

That’s where I get frustrated. We have those that are an absolute no but we don’t lead them on. We politely thank them for the interest and wish them the best going forward.

You have to remember that a lot of people are jerks. Just because they're in the LS doesn't make them different. You're going to meet wonderful people and a-holes, and everyone in-between, just like in the vanilla world.

It goes back to the people that describe themselves as fun and open to anyone or anything, aren’t always so. At least where we are. We have definitely made connections with a lot of people that we hope to someday be able to travel and meet.

I’m sorry this happened. The fact that the gossip slipped is a real bummer because it sounds like couple number 2 would have been a lot of fun to play with. Couple number 1 can fuck right off for two reasons. First, if they are hung up over someone not having a perfect body, well, that’s on them. But second, to tell other people that??? There will always be people who don’t find you attractive. No one is perfect. But you can always find people who are attracted to you. It’s the terribleness of human nature to have a much stronger reaction to those that don’t find us attractive than those that do.

Thank you! I have found that as I’ve gotten older I appreciate the mom bods and the mileage that comes with age. The things that show we lived our lives and had a good time doing it.

Bodies provide a jumping off point for me. Obviously visual attractiveness is usually the first thing we encounter, but it’s not what makes a woman sexy for me. I want a woman who is into me, likes sex, is fun to be with, and a whole host of other things like “how naughty is she?” The only thing I can say is to tell your wife “if they don’t think we are attractive, who cares? We’ll move on. Let’s go find some people who make us feel good and have fun!” It’s touchy, but if you don’t have confidence, continuing to work on yourself can help, but in my experience, it’s more important to find people who make you feel sexy. It’s what I like to do for the people we play with. No one is perfect, but I can always find things I think are attractive about other people and then make sure to verbalize and share.

I have definitely reminded her of how sexy she is. She hurts and she will heal. I think it hit more just because they are built a lot like us. I will keep doing my best to help her feel sexy.

The lifestyle is full of shallow people. Attraction has many levels but for some it's skin deep. This gets my sexy and amazing girlfriend down. That's the only part of it that bugs me. Fuck 'em. If it makes you fell any better (mostly it's not worth the band width IMO) think of them getting older, having to deal with an inevitable health problem, skin condition, etc. Without their perfect, taught, superficial sef image they will be in hell on earth. You'll be fucking hot seniors. :)

I'll take a good personality over a judgment on someone's body type any day! I mean everyone has a preference but you should not put someone down because they're not Ken or Barbie

We are wanting to get into the lifestyle and have fun, but this is one of my holdbacks. I’m not thin-skinned, but things like that are very hard on a woman’s self esteem. Forget those other couples, I’m sure you two are better off without them.

We definitely had a good groove until this happened. Those that are close and know that we are in the LS have been reaching out and been very supportive. We use the phrase “family don’t end with blood”. Our LS friends are proving that to be true today.

Kind of a dick move for the other couple to kiss and tell.

Definitely not something we condone. Had I known immediately that it happened, I would have ended things there. You don’t get to talk to my wife like that.

I wonder if the couple’s wife is actually a bit jealous of your wife. It sounds like something an insecure woman would do to another woman to make herself feel better. Maybe….the couple never even said any of that stuff to your friend couple. Clearly, her husband enjoyed your wife and the other woman could have sensed that. It might have more to do with your wife being too good! Just my thoughts.

We haven’t had issues in the past. They have been good partners in and out of the bedroom. Unfortunately sometimes we make bad choices and this was one. We have cut ties and will move forward.

I’m honestly so happy to wake up this morning and see you’ve made that decision. You guys come first and “friends” shouldn’t get a second chance after doing something that predictably hurtful.

Thank you. We appreciate the support and positive comments from everyone!

The advice you should be hearing is to not let others opinions about your body affect you. But honestly that doesn’t work with everyone, especially myself, so my advice would be to find a weekly/daily fun active hobby that you and your wife can develop together. Whether that’s walking around the neighborhood, going on a bike ride, or going to the gym once or twice a week etc, staying active on a weekly/daily basis is incredible for your physical but also mental health. Wishing you two happiness along your journey 🫶🏽

So sorry that this happened. My wife is a curvy mom bod and I think it's so hot. I love curvy mom bods. No disrespect to the athletic builds, fit hotties, and the like. Just a personal preference. I know how she feels. We experienced this once with a couple that "took a break" for a while. We stayed in touch and did vanilla dates, still went over their house, went to his birthday, helped them do some work on their house, and so on. About a year after their break, we connected after not seeing them for a month or so and he starts telling on himself by talking about this couple they had played with. He mentioned something in relation to it that told me this was recent. I asked when it was and without thinking he blurts out "About six months ago" which was smack dab in the middle of their break. So it appeared that they liked us socially but perhaps were not sexually what they were looking for. My wife felt self conscious being a curvier girl and I felt bad because I had dick anxiety the first time we played with them (although was good the 2nd and 3td times) so we both felt like it was "our" fault but then were angry with them for not telling us why they stopped playing with us, lied about not playing, and then were so careless to let it slip. We stopped seeing them period after that and it took a couple of weeks to get over the hurt but we moved on and are forever happy that we did. Again, so sorry to hear what happened to you all. Wish you all the best.

Everyone is allowed to have their preferences. What we do not do to others is put them down because of our preferences. What was said from one couple to another shouldn't have been spoken aloud. Because of this. We don't have to be everyone's cup of tea. We might be a stiff shot of whiskey or reheated coffee the next day. But we are supposed to be adults. Don't let this ruin her progress in her goals. This is a very strange time for body positivity. Ugh! I wish I had better words. We never do seem to win so we? Too fit, too high needs don't approach them. They have mom/dad bod (WTAF is that anyway?). If we aren't your type, then kindly pass! We don't have to get naked and physical, but I would expect some civility in passing.

Brother, let me tell You this and please repeat after me Fuck. Those. Scumbags. Try it. Let your wife read this. It’s not you and definitely not her. It’s the type of people you associate with. Try different people and I don’t mean a different couple I mean a different type of couple. Get it? You guys have been hanging out with some really shitty people. Do what your dog does when he takes a shit…. Kick some grass over that shit and move on. Don’t allow a few shitty people to ruin YOUR fun as a couple. Not worth it.

This is just so grim and rude. I’m m56 in uk midlands. Is Dm ok?

DM’s are fine

Your own profile says you are “not in shape”. So while I understand your frustration with empty promises, but you also have to understand that arousal is not something you can always plan. This couple was “on the fence” meaning you were not their first choice to start with. The same happens with dating or any relationships - it’s back and forth and people always exploring better options vs “settling” for something less desirable