I am actually about to finish the series of treatment. I had 36 sessions, but will get an additional 10 sessions because some of my treatments were at a lower intensity because I had a pinched nerve (unrelated). Reading back what I wrote in my post, I would say I feel about the same. I have noticed that I am much more sensitive to caffeine now, and become hyper fixated and fidgety for hours after I drink it. Some nights I'm unable to fall asleep right away even if I'm exhausted and did not have caffeine that day. I have poor sleep hygiene in general and don't sleep enough (average about 5-6 hours a day), but I tend to want to fall asleep during my sessions when I am getting administered on the right side; supposedly this isn't uncommon, because the brain is being slowed down at that time. Even on days when I am not at session, I tend to want to fall asleep at around the same time (5pm). I struggle A LOT when I get sleepy, I can't resist it during the day and fall asleep for 1-2 hours on the sofa watching TV (I guess as makeup for not sleeping well at night).
In general, I don't feel much better yet. I'm still depressed/anxious and don't do my work well (can't focus) and am scared I will lose my job or at least get labeled as a bad worker. I work from home a few days a week and don't do anything those days... I've started to try to organize my life and be directed (watching self-help YouTube videos and reading self-help books). But I do this over and over again through the years and it doesn't really stick. There are again, some small moments of clarity, where I realize that I am just wasting time playing games or watching movies, but I've become so accustomed to these coping desensitization habits that I'm not able to break out of them right away. I am trying to dopamine detox, because I realized over the years I use tech/online scrolling/games/playing poker/sex/mas___bation as ways to either desensitize myself from my depression, or to get tiny boosts of serotonin just to overcome the depression temporarily.
I'm hoping the TMS treatment will help me over time, I hear many people feel the positive effects weeks after treatment is done. I'm trying to organize my life, build good habits, remove bad habits, and pursue and understand what a directed life is. I'm hoping if I set these frameworks in order, if my prefrontal cortex suddenly gets better I will have the roadway and agency and autonomy and desire to live a good life. I'm trying to visualize the positive change and will it into existence, to make the neurotransmitters work in the healthy fashion it was meant to, and will the neurons and ganglia to correct themselves.
Oh, and to answer your question about a new "me" -- at this point, I don't care anymore, I've hit rock bottom. I just want to feel better. I will become a different person if I have to, and it will feel weird navigating life, if I am able to finally it will feel like I am a tiny person in my brain controlling a robot, like a mech. I am 41 now. When I was 30, I hit a wall then, too, and finally gave in to taking meds (I've had 3-4 rounds during my 20s of trying different meds that didn't work, but finally tried another round at 30 and finally got something that worked). I don't like meds because they are not really an exact science. If I don't take them each day, I have such brain fog and cannot focus; I don't like being dependent on that, but I have no other choice. And at my third decade, I was just over it, being a nothing-person. The meds helped, and my 30s were not a bad decade, I caught up a lot in life (decent job, finally graduated college and just now got a grad degree this year, had some relationships and dating and sex) - but I just still feel behind in life. Now at 40, I started to slowly slide and spiral again because I moved to a new city for work and don't know anyone.
Therapy never really helped that much through the decades, it was a nice to-do. I now found out about TMS, it's expensive, but my therapist said the cost is worth it for my health. So here I am. We need to become different "mes". Maybe it's the "me" I was supposed to be if my brain had been normal. Or maybe we are always changing, so we are a different person each day as time passes? I don't know. But I am just over it, I am not happy where I am. I have to move forward, however it can happen, whatever "me" manifests. The original 16-year-old-me, when depression first started to enter, is no longer here. I am now just a ravaged person, aged. A different "me". That's just life.
Pardon the wall of text, but hope it helps! Let me know if you have any other questions about my treatments. It was kinda fun writing this.
I don’t think the goal is to be a clear sky. I think the goal is just to have the sun shine through more often than it doesn’t! 🌤️
this is so beautifully put ❤️
Thank you ❤️
I am also afraid to be a different me. Do you have any insights or advice now that has been a few months?
I am actually about to finish the series of treatment. I had 36 sessions, but will get an additional 10 sessions because some of my treatments were at a lower intensity because I had a pinched nerve (unrelated). Reading back what I wrote in my post, I would say I feel about the same. I have noticed that I am much more sensitive to caffeine now, and become hyper fixated and fidgety for hours after I drink it. Some nights I'm unable to fall asleep right away even if I'm exhausted and did not have caffeine that day. I have poor sleep hygiene in general and don't sleep enough (average about 5-6 hours a day), but I tend to want to fall asleep during my sessions when I am getting administered on the right side; supposedly this isn't uncommon, because the brain is being slowed down at that time. Even on days when I am not at session, I tend to want to fall asleep at around the same time (5pm). I struggle A LOT when I get sleepy, I can't resist it during the day and fall asleep for 1-2 hours on the sofa watching TV (I guess as makeup for not sleeping well at night). In general, I don't feel much better yet. I'm still depressed/anxious and don't do my work well (can't focus) and am scared I will lose my job or at least get labeled as a bad worker. I work from home a few days a week and don't do anything those days... I've started to try to organize my life and be directed (watching self-help YouTube videos and reading self-help books). But I do this over and over again through the years and it doesn't really stick. There are again, some small moments of clarity, where I realize that I am just wasting time playing games or watching movies, but I've become so accustomed to these coping desensitization habits that I'm not able to break out of them right away. I am trying to dopamine detox, because I realized over the years I use tech/online scrolling/games/playing poker/sex/mas___bation as ways to either desensitize myself from my depression, or to get tiny boosts of serotonin just to overcome the depression temporarily. I'm hoping the TMS treatment will help me over time, I hear many people feel the positive effects weeks after treatment is done. I'm trying to organize my life, build good habits, remove bad habits, and pursue and understand what a directed life is. I'm hoping if I set these frameworks in order, if my prefrontal cortex suddenly gets better I will have the roadway and agency and autonomy and desire to live a good life. I'm trying to visualize the positive change and will it into existence, to make the neurotransmitters work in the healthy fashion it was meant to, and will the neurons and ganglia to correct themselves. Oh, and to answer your question about a new "me" -- at this point, I don't care anymore, I've hit rock bottom. I just want to feel better. I will become a different person if I have to, and it will feel weird navigating life, if I am able to finally it will feel like I am a tiny person in my brain controlling a robot, like a mech. I am 41 now. When I was 30, I hit a wall then, too, and finally gave in to taking meds (I've had 3-4 rounds during my 20s of trying different meds that didn't work, but finally tried another round at 30 and finally got something that worked). I don't like meds because they are not really an exact science. If I don't take them each day, I have such brain fog and cannot focus; I don't like being dependent on that, but I have no other choice. And at my third decade, I was just over it, being a nothing-person. The meds helped, and my 30s were not a bad decade, I caught up a lot in life (decent job, finally graduated college and just now got a grad degree this year, had some relationships and dating and sex) - but I just still feel behind in life. Now at 40, I started to slowly slide and spiral again because I moved to a new city for work and don't know anyone. Therapy never really helped that much through the decades, it was a nice to-do. I now found out about TMS, it's expensive, but my therapist said the cost is worth it for my health. So here I am. We need to become different "mes". Maybe it's the "me" I was supposed to be if my brain had been normal. Or maybe we are always changing, so we are a different person each day as time passes? I don't know. But I am just over it, I am not happy where I am. I have to move forward, however it can happen, whatever "me" manifests. The original 16-year-old-me, when depression first started to enter, is no longer here. I am now just a ravaged person, aged. A different "me". That's just life. Pardon the wall of text, but hope it helps! Let me know if you have any other questions about my treatments. It was kinda fun writing this.