It might sound arrogant, but I don't care at this point
I get this treatment A LOT as a tall woman. I'm not pretty or anything-the only thing that makes me stand out is my height. I've been treated like this since I was in kindergarten. Even moms from other kids in elementary school gave me dirty looks.
It's pure jealousy.
> Killing with kindness gets very old because women just continue to be condescending with you.
yes, have you tried practicing a 'look of disdain', as your reaction?
From experience, taking a southern approach is really the way to go in public situations. A sort of "bless your heart, I'm sure you didn't mean to be so rude, I'll have that back now please" said in that firm, carrying voice that doesn't sound angry but everyone hears you, with your hand extended for the item.
But you stare at the perpetrator with that thousand yard Don't Fuck With Me stare (but you're also smiling). It takes practice to be able to have your tone of voice and your body language convey two different messages at the same time, but it's very handy once you master it.
If they know you'll pull them up and publicly shine light on their bad behaviour, they are much less inclined to test you again. But since you give them the "out" ("I'm sure you didn't mean to be...") to save face, then other people know you're the reasonable one. They can mutter an apology and hand it back to you (or more likely, they'll pissily toss at back at you with "Fine! I was just joking!") but you can ignore that/not take it personally.
Also, you don't say "can I have it back" or "may I have it back" (which gives them the perception that giving it back is optional) You say "I'll have it back" or "I'll be taking this, thanks" , which is a command that's dressed up politely.
another method if you want to fly even more under the radar is lighting up, thanking them for finding the item they took, and plucking it out of their hands while talking about how helpful they are. You act outwardly very effusive, but you are very firm in your movements (don't take it gently) and you make some very significant eye contact.
I love the "two messages" undertone recommended here. I like to do the "veneer of politeness over an ocean of seething rage" approach. Non-aggressive but direct posture, but with just a little bit of uncanny valley hiding a razor's edge or a volcano ready to blow. A tiny little head tilt, or a little bit of crazy eyes, or a smile that's a little too animalistic go a long way towards appearing sweet but "dangerous."
Thatās so cool. Last time I pretty much blew up and caused a scene, to my utmost dismay, but I have a short temper and donāt deal well with these stuffs
I do often wonder what to do in situations like this if they still don't give it back. I'm often too hesitant to pull off something like this because I worry that they'll call my bluff/not care and not give it back, and then I'm not sure what to do.
You say "I really don't want to bring law enforcement/security into this, but I will if I have to".
You give them about a minute to think about it, then you start dialling.
Usually they will shove it back at this point.
In OPs particular case, she was assaulted (because the other lady would have to grab her hand to remove the item) and it's theft if she is withholding it.
Assault in the US and Canada is ANY non consuensual touch. People think there has to be forceful impact for it to be an assault, but no, legally, assault is non consensual touch.
If you don't call law enforcement, then you have to publicly shame them.
If you do dial 911 (which is for any immediate problem) and the person returns the item, you wait until it connects and tell the dispatcher that the problem was resolved by you starting to call and that you don't need police attendance now because the person started to cooperate. If you're in a large public area, Security is also an option.
They are pretty used to that, so most of the time they will just take your name and move onto the next thing.
Never let anyone shame you for calling authorities. It is not you escalating the situation, it's the person who has stolen from you who is escalating. You are setting boundaries and exacting consequences. People will be indignant and try and DARVO you and be like "you didn't have to call the cops, I was going to give it back!" (No they weren't).
They are just upset of facing the consequences of their actions and trying to blame you.
The ripper already ruined the day. Especially for you. Do the needful, which is not allowed to be mentioned in this sub. Hint: It is definitely NOT kindness. Just know that the bride, although now a "family member", condones this crap. And her husband condones the bride, so going forward, remember this and act accordingly. Telling other family members is optional, but encouraged.
This is just my hot take- I simply wouldn't subject myself to it. Anything that costs you your peace of mind ain't it. I'd have a private conversation with the bride (who I assume you are close to) and then go to the wedding as a guest. Mean girls suck, being around them sucks, you can't change their character- so not being around them seems to be the only solution imo
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Screw classy, women are allowed to feel anger and rage and rightfully call it out, especially when disrespected. Girls like you donāt find their voice until later on in life unfortunately because youāve been raised to contain your feelings to a degree. Itās a process to unlearn that in order to advocate/stand up for yourself.
IMO you have to know that you don't *have* to deal with it. As a child, you were STUCK. You knew you had years in the same school with the person in question. As an adult, you're in charge of yourself. Walk away.
For childish behavior, like taking your stuff, I'd react as if they were a child, then be unbothered if they tried to goad me into reacting like them. They're playing the child game, but you're the adult in charge, because you grew up.
Never understood the mean girl thing. I usually ignore them unless given no other choice, like in your situation. It's a tricky social tight rope I've never been good at walking. I usually use sarcasm to diffuse situations like that. And I say exactly what I want to say, but put it in a satirical tone, like I'm joking. But I'm not. It usually gets the message across in a light hearted way.
Mean= jealous
It might sound arrogant, but I don't care at this point I get this treatment A LOT as a tall woman. I'm not pretty or anything-the only thing that makes me stand out is my height. I've been treated like this since I was in kindergarten. Even moms from other kids in elementary school gave me dirty looks. It's pure jealousy.
> Killing with kindness gets very old because women just continue to be condescending with you. yes, have you tried practicing a 'look of disdain', as your reaction?
From experience, taking a southern approach is really the way to go in public situations. A sort of "bless your heart, I'm sure you didn't mean to be so rude, I'll have that back now please" said in that firm, carrying voice that doesn't sound angry but everyone hears you, with your hand extended for the item. But you stare at the perpetrator with that thousand yard Don't Fuck With Me stare (but you're also smiling). It takes practice to be able to have your tone of voice and your body language convey two different messages at the same time, but it's very handy once you master it. If they know you'll pull them up and publicly shine light on their bad behaviour, they are much less inclined to test you again. But since you give them the "out" ("I'm sure you didn't mean to be...") to save face, then other people know you're the reasonable one. They can mutter an apology and hand it back to you (or more likely, they'll pissily toss at back at you with "Fine! I was just joking!") but you can ignore that/not take it personally. Also, you don't say "can I have it back" or "may I have it back" (which gives them the perception that giving it back is optional) You say "I'll have it back" or "I'll be taking this, thanks" , which is a command that's dressed up politely. another method if you want to fly even more under the radar is lighting up, thanking them for finding the item they took, and plucking it out of their hands while talking about how helpful they are. You act outwardly very effusive, but you are very firm in your movements (don't take it gently) and you make some very significant eye contact.
I love the "two messages" undertone recommended here. I like to do the "veneer of politeness over an ocean of seething rage" approach. Non-aggressive but direct posture, but with just a little bit of uncanny valley hiding a razor's edge or a volcano ready to blow. A tiny little head tilt, or a little bit of crazy eyes, or a smile that's a little too animalistic go a long way towards appearing sweet but "dangerous."
Let's invade France š„°
i loled
Thatās so cool. Last time I pretty much blew up and caused a scene, to my utmost dismay, but I have a short temper and donāt deal well with these stuffs
I do often wonder what to do in situations like this if they still don't give it back. I'm often too hesitant to pull off something like this because I worry that they'll call my bluff/not care and not give it back, and then I'm not sure what to do.
You say "I really don't want to bring law enforcement/security into this, but I will if I have to". You give them about a minute to think about it, then you start dialling. Usually they will shove it back at this point. In OPs particular case, she was assaulted (because the other lady would have to grab her hand to remove the item) and it's theft if she is withholding it. Assault in the US and Canada is ANY non consuensual touch. People think there has to be forceful impact for it to be an assault, but no, legally, assault is non consensual touch. If you don't call law enforcement, then you have to publicly shame them. If you do dial 911 (which is for any immediate problem) and the person returns the item, you wait until it connects and tell the dispatcher that the problem was resolved by you starting to call and that you don't need police attendance now because the person started to cooperate. If you're in a large public area, Security is also an option. They are pretty used to that, so most of the time they will just take your name and move onto the next thing. Never let anyone shame you for calling authorities. It is not you escalating the situation, it's the person who has stolen from you who is escalating. You are setting boundaries and exacting consequences. People will be indignant and try and DARVO you and be like "you didn't have to call the cops, I was going to give it back!" (No they weren't). They are just upset of facing the consequences of their actions and trying to blame you.
The ripper already ruined the day. Especially for you. Do the needful, which is not allowed to be mentioned in this sub. Hint: It is definitely NOT kindness. Just know that the bride, although now a "family member", condones this crap. And her husband condones the bride, so going forward, remember this and act accordingly. Telling other family members is optional, but encouraged.
This is just my hot take- I simply wouldn't subject myself to it. Anything that costs you your peace of mind ain't it. I'd have a private conversation with the bride (who I assume you are close to) and then go to the wedding as a guest. Mean girls suck, being around them sucks, you can't change their character- so not being around them seems to be the only solution imo
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
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They're hated more than you know. By each other. They'll grow up too.
Lmaooo fr. I was sitting there thinking āI wonder how much shit they talk on the bride, thereās no way they donātā
Screw classy, women are allowed to feel anger and rage and rightfully call it out, especially when disrespected. Girls like you donāt find their voice until later on in life unfortunately because youāve been raised to contain your feelings to a degree. Itās a process to unlearn that in order to advocate/stand up for yourself.
IMO you have to know that you don't *have* to deal with it. As a child, you were STUCK. You knew you had years in the same school with the person in question. As an adult, you're in charge of yourself. Walk away. For childish behavior, like taking your stuff, I'd react as if they were a child, then be unbothered if they tried to goad me into reacting like them. They're playing the child game, but you're the adult in charge, because you grew up.
Never understood the mean girl thing. I usually ignore them unless given no other choice, like in your situation. It's a tricky social tight rope I've never been good at walking. I usually use sarcasm to diffuse situations like that. And I say exactly what I want to say, but put it in a satirical tone, like I'm joking. But I'm not. It usually gets the message across in a light hearted way.
Watch Muriel's Wedding movie and get some tips