You could have a bowel obstruction or something serious. Please get that checked out. I would even say go to urgent care rn! (Assuming you’re in the US) Of nothing else they can give you some relief, but it cold be serious! So please get that checked out!
try an enema dude. i went to an urgent care for the same reason, except i was constipated for just a week due to eating a lot of beef jerky. they checked me out, said “yeah you’re constipated” and told me to buy an enema from walgreens/cvs. biggest log i’ve ever pooped came out with a fury after i did the enema.
edit: they also billed me a couple hundred for the visit, on top of my insurance covering a few hundred. medical care in the US is such a scam.
Urgent care typically costs about the same as a PCP for stuff like this. They just have much better availability because they focus on walk in patients instead of continuing care.
Please don't go to the doctor until you have tried more than one OTC.
See my main comment on Miralax/mag citrate. You WILL poop from the Miralax strat I detailed in my other comment.
A bowel obstruction is unlikely unless you are completely obstipated (NO bowel movement AT ALL) and usually presents with intractable pain, nausea, and vomiting with any oral intake.
You can try a fleet enema as well. Just please don't go to the ER for this. You could try calling a nurse triage line for advice but seriously, if you drink a capful of Miralax with 12oz water every hour until you shit, you'll be fine.
Source: am ER nurse and have had to deal with a staggering number of people who are constipated but have barely tried anything before asking for help
How long does one capful of miralax make you, feel like you need to pooo
Does it wear off in 24 hours or so? Asking for myself so I can take it and not have it interfere with work.
It’s not instant at all. I put two caps in my drink in the morning every day or every other day just to try and not end up in OP’s situation…..again. And it’s not urgency like a laxative, it just inches me closer to having a regular poop frequency
It's not like an incredible fire shit out of your ass thing. It just adds more moisture to your shit, it often helps with medication based constipation.
Stimulant laxatives will do what you're worried about in my experience haha.
Yeah lol it's fine. As long as people are hearing my gospel of Miralax it's worth it. Then maybe I won't have to do so many soap suds enemas on perfectly capable young men lmao
Coffee and a cigarette. I know it's frowned upon, but it's an old trick.
Also, fruit. Eat a whole watermelon, or eat it until you shit water, violently. Lol
I hope you feel better!
For real. I once went to the doctor to see if I was allergic to lactose or something because every time I drank coffee with milk I would immediately need to go. He's like, dude it's the coffee.
Lactose can give people diarrhea, but in rare cases it gives constipation as well. It took a while before doctors found out why my toddler could not go. Once I changed his diet his problems where gone
Why did I have to scroll so far to find prunes?
Story time: in my young twenties a friend offered me a prune, and I said “No thank you, I don’t like prunes.” But I realized that in actuality I had never tried them. I tried one and loved it. Went out and bought a bag of them. Loved them. Are the whole bag at once.
Went to work and proceeded for my bowels to completely explode, all day. It was rough.
Prunes!!!!
Be careful with advice here. A lot of people are sharing what works **for them**. A lot of these don’t work for some of us and might make things worse. Just call your doctor.
Came here to recommend this. But at this point, there may be an impaction, so I’m torn between “Go to a doctor, NOW” and “try this incredible liquid laxative.”
edit: punctuation, spelling
Even with an impaction, he can likely do a fleet enema. That should loosen it up. Repeat until it's out. If you're brave, buy some disposable medical gloves so you can do a digital disimpaction.
Otherwise the ER doc/nurse will do it for you 👉👌
I had a similar issue a while back so I decided to see if it was on Amazon to keep on hand just in case (I live a half hour drive from any grocery store or Walmart) and it's listed as a sleep aid, either the product listing on Amazon is horribly inaccurate or there's a certain dosage you need to induce a bowel movement.
Any "sugar free" candy will do it, specifically if they have sugar alcohol. They really really need a giant warning on the front of them it's absolutely insane, you'd think you had norovirus if you didn't put together what you did
I’ve been eating sugar free lifesaver mints. Last night I had about 8 before going to bed and woke up an hour and half later (while dreaming about someone complaining about needing to use the bathroom and me yelling at them to go ) having to sprint to the bathroom. It was strange and then I realized it was the sugar free mints lmao
Similar effect with the sugar free jelly beans. Ate them on a road trip. The warning that I ignored said eat 5 beans and then see how your digestive track responds. I ate the entire pack and was really thankful they let me check in to the hotel early.
Hahahaha one time my uncle accidentally got me the sugar free ones on Easter and my parents didn’t notice. Of course I was just happy to get candy, ate most of the bag before someone stopped me. Was not a good night.
This review makes me laugh so much. When I worked at a very toxic job with a few very toxic co workers I almost wanted to put them in the candy bowl that we had sitting out because I knew they’d eat them. The best part would have been we only had two toilets at the job so it would be a fight for life
Lol I hope it's everything you dream it will be! But for real if you have work tomorrow, you will probably want to call out. Magnesium citrate is no joke. Best of luck, hope you feel better soon!
I hope you’ve hopped on a scale already to get a “before”. When this shit goes down you may not have time to get your pants off, much less weight before.
What does your prep liquid taste like? When I had one 15 years ago, I had to drink this salty stuff that they tried to mask with vanilla flavoring. It was not an improvement.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday. The prep stuff came with a lemon flavoring packet, kind of made it taste like slightly salty crystal lite. Last time i could barely gag it down, but had no problems this time.
That’s exactly what it was like last time I had one. I’d literally start shaking in fear and start crying when that alarm went off. By the end each sip made me gag so hard. They must have changed the flavoring to disguise the ick better because this time I was able to drink it right down.
Dang mine tasted of nothing but tears and depression. They said you can add lemon juice which made it even worse somehow. In the end I drank it with my nose covered, otherwise it would come out the other way.
Ive read multiple posts about a coffee chains explosive failure of mixing olive oil with coffee - 2 items known to result in moving experiences. Look it up!
See a doctor. Bowel obstructions are no joke. And if you have a large dry stool stuck in there, you can eat something that will give you diarrhea but the softer poop will just go around the big dry stuck poop and won’t actually help.
Do an enema.
Miralax. A full capful.
A few tablespoons of olive oil. Or Mayo. Anything oily.
Black coffee.
Chug a Gatorade.
I see you like to live dangerously... close to shitting your pants.
If miralax is anything like it was when I had to take a half cap-ful as a kid, oh buddy.
I dunno, it takes days to work from starting fresh and one capful is perfectly normal for most people. Like you can supplement every day if you don't get enough fiber. But i'm not a doctor lol.
what difference does it make if its black coffee or some other kind? I’ve recently switched from drinking cappuccinos to exclusively black coffee and I have noticed that I’ve been having “less solid” shits more frequently
Maybe the protein in milk helps slow down the processing of the coffee in your stomach? I don’t know, I have just always used black coffee for constipation and also for getting rid of migraines.
As an opioid addict who’s, many times, experienced “the softer poop going around the big dry stuck poop” ….I’m genuinely scared for OP. I gots the sweats just thinking about it.
>Tonight I drank pickle juice, had magnesium citrate, ate Taco Bell for dinner, ate sugar free candy, took a fiber supplement, and have drank lots and lots of water. I’m currently preparing myself to inevitably break the world record for largest shit ever.
OP is dead
He was never going to slow roll a giganto turd and fill up the pot. He's gonna blow like Old Faithful and produce enough thrust to achieve escape velocity.
Here in about 20 years, some amateur astronomer is gonna find his half naked, flash frozen corpse orbiting Deimos and be *really* fucking confused.
Haribo Sugar Free gummy bears - you will shit your soul out - but also just go to the doctor - my sister has similar issues, she had a twisted bowl and all sorts of weird things going on. If she'd left it, it probably would have killed her - remember that waste isn't supposed to hang around in us for that long. Your lining can re-absorb bacteria or whatever that can make you ill.
When I was pregnant I ate a whole jar of green olives and shit SO MUCH. it was much needed. Earlier in my life I ate a whole jar of pickles and actually shit myself. So either would probably suffice
It’s the high amount of sodium that sucks water out of your cells and into your gut which gives you diarrhea. You can buy ‘osmotic laxatives’ which do the same thing.
Don't eat a ton of sugar alcohols (what's in sugar free crap most often) if you don't know how you respond to it. As someone mentioned, if you've got an actual obstruction it could make everything 10x worse. And three weeks is sounding like possible obstruction territory
I occasionally have the same problem, I tried high fiber foods and even Miralax. Nothing worked. Then I was suggested a table spoonvor two of castor oil. Man does it work. Give it 5-6 hrs.
When my daughter was younger, she had several uti's. After mulitple Dr's visuts, we discovered she was severally constipated/impacted. Under Dr's orders, we gave her a regular dose (a capful) of Miralax daily, and every other weekend, she took 7 doses over the 3 day time frame. We were told to have her sit on the toilet, with her feet propped up on a small stepstool, and blow up a balloon a few times each day. That motion makes your intestines contract like they do when you poop. I know that's not a specific food, but I hope this helps you. (The only food that comes to mind is Taco Bell!! Or Taco Hell, as some people I know call it for the way it tears up their stomachs!! So maybe try that 1st!! )
Not food but Get some glycerin suppositories from Amazon, run under the hot water tap, down on your hunkers and shove it right up your jacksie. Wait 10mins to it stimulates your bowel and boom, oil slick.
However if your eyes are yellow or back pain or jaundice for example, straight to the doctor to get checked.
I grew up playing sports in the Deep South. We kept pickle juice nearby for cramps. This past summer, I played in a flag football league. Came home from practice with minor cramping, so I did what I knew from childhood. Idk what made it so delicious on that 102° day, but I just couldn’t stop drinking it. I drank nearly the whole jar. 15 minutes later I was on the toilet essentially vomiting from my ass. I had never experienced a blowout like that. It was truly disgusting but I strangely felt like I had a massive internal cleanse.
If you can't go to a doctor or ER, please go see a pharmacist. All the bowel preps used for procedures are over the counter, and you just need to ask for them.
Please don't listen to reddit for specific medical advice, friend. If you have an obstruction that gets bad enough it could end up needing surgical intervention. Good luck and take care of yourself!
Sugar free candy…
Edit: your midsection will hurt if you can’t release the sugar alcohols they use in sugar free candy. If you have a massive obstruction, it could make things a lot worse for you. Significantly.
Literally just drink a cap of miralax with a glass of water every hour til you shit. You WILL shit. And it's virtually impossible to overdose on.
Just please for the love of god don't go to the ER for constipation. Taking one laxative with no effect doesn't mean you've exhausted your options. If you don't want to do the Miralax (PEG) route, you can drink a bottle of mag citrate, although it's been hard to find because of a recall last year. Or a fleet enema, but honestly these don't work as well IMO compared with the Miralax strat.
If you go to the ER, the doc will likely be annoyed and give you a ridiculously OP enema that will leave you in shambles. Just to make a point to try other stuff first.
Source: was ER nurse
Nurses are awesome, keep more people alive than any other profession. Except maybe water treatment technicians. Well maybe Farmers too they keep people alive. Then there's also pilots...and oh yeah doctors. But nurses are awesome for the shit they deal with. Hmmm CNA's deal with a lot of shit too.
 Thanks for keeping people stable long enough for the doctors to decide what to do.
Miralax. Depending on how long it's been, see a doctor, this can get serious.
As for food: oatmeal cookies are my favorite, but since I always eat a bunch, I inevitably always get liquid poops. Might help you (and they're tasty if homemade).
When I had surgery a few years ago I was warned that it might cause constipation. A nurse suggested mixing one part warm prune juice with one part milk of magnesia. She called it "the brown bomber", for the reaction it has. Oh boy, did it work! You really don't want to be far from a toilet for a while if you try this. Good luck.
Pear juice, prune juice, prunes, apricots, plums.. Or U can buy a fruity mash mix from the chemist by the name of NU-LAX. Keep pumping the water and hopefully you'll explode with excellence and precision.
I take senna because I am constipated from pain meds. I take 5 a day this helps me at least go more regularly but for a while I added a probiotic and BAM-explosive all the way. I mean EVERYTHING came out. Head this warning: it would hit at the worst possible times. In Board meetings, driving with no bathroom in sight. Many times I thought I was going to have to shit in my pants. So Be Careful. Maybe start with a few senna and see how you react. And maybe 1 probiotic. Unless you like having Poo-Emergencies!
Sugar free gummy bears are what you are looking for. These are a gold mine for diarrhea-centric horror stories which are weirdly epic written. I can't word it as well as some reviews but to quote one:
"It was my last class of the semester, and the final exam was worth 30% of our grade.
After a late night study session I felt confident, but I had to decide between sleeping in or cooking breakfast. My eyelids chose sleep.
My stomach later regretted this decision, and after several uncomfortable stomach growls, I finally decided to make a quick stop by the campus bookstore and grab a snack before my test. Since the semester was ending and everyone was going home for the summer, a lot of items were on sale, including the snacks and candy that they kept up front. Being in the hungry state that I was in, it felt only logical to pick the largest, yet least expensive candy in order to get more bang for my buck.
And there they sat: two bags of Haribo Sugar-Free Gummi Bears, buy one get one free.
"What a deal!" I thought naïvely. I would eat one bag before my test, and one bag afterwards.
As I walked to class, I gleefully chewed on those abominable little bastards, unaware of the utter mayhem that they would soon unleash upon my poor, poor anus.
I sat down at my desk as the professor informed us that, due to issues with cheating in the past, restroom breaks would be prohibited until the completion of the exam.
"I'll give you 10 minutes to use the restroom now; this will be your last chance. Any takers?"
The demon bears hadn't released their unholy necromancy upon my stomach yet, so in my moment of ignorant foolishness, I remained seated, still munching on those miniature bear-shaped bombs.
After the students wise enough to take the professor's offer had returned, the professor handed out the test. I was six questions in when it happened.
It started subtly at first, almost like a slight tingly sensation in my lower abdomen. I thought nothing of it, assuming my intestines were just doing their thang. Little did I know that my intestines were trying desperately to warn me of the horror that was on the horizon.
By question 9 it happened again, but this time it was followed by a sharp pain, as if those infernal hellions had orchestrated an attack upon my colon. I fought to contain the groan that tried escaping my lips. It was at this point I began to panic; something was going horribly long, and I needed to get through this test before it got any worse.
By question 14 my worst fear was upon me; the Satan bears' burning, hot, liquidy dark magic crashed against my anal sphincter like a tidal wave. I was able to close the hatch just in time, but those relentless, toxic bears beat against it like Orcs breaking down the doors of Helm's Deep. I knew I wouldn't be able to so much as shift in my seat without risking a breach.
I kept fighting through my exam, clenching my cheeks with all my might. Beads of sweat began rolling down my neck. Suddenly, a loud, gurgling war cry came from my belly, and the entire class lifted their heads.
At this point, nothing mattered except expelling this ungodly presence from my bowels. With 15 questions left, I promptly wrote C for every answer and ran out of the classroom. My professor yelled something, but I was too preoccupied with the volcanic eruption that needed to take place before I could find sweet, sweet relief.
I burst into the restroom like the Kool-Aid man and, behold, the handicap stall was empty. Sun rays from the adjacent window shone upon it, as if it were a gift from God himself. It took me less than .5 seconds to undo my belt buckle, pull down my pants, and finally relax my weary buttocks upon the toilet seat.
It took absolutely no effort to expel this demon. Almost immediately, the floodgates of hell were opened and the damned, liquified souls of an entire bag's worth of gummi bears cried as they burned through my sphincter and into the watery abyss below. I had never felt such simultaneous relief and anguish in my life.
After 30 more minutes of this, I immediately went home, dug a hole in my backyard, and burned the remaining bag of gummi bears.
I leave with this; do not, I repeat do NOT eat these spawns of Satan. Not only did they cause me to fail my final test, but the anguish I experienced is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. The only place these god forsaken hell bears belong are buried deep below the Earth's surface."
I like prunes but don’t eat more than 2 because it’ll make me poop. But if it’s that serious, you should see a GI doctor… you could have a blockage somewhere
3 weeks is a lot of shit, you should go to the doctor. You could have a bowel obstruction or it could be a symptom of something else (not Lupus though, it's never Lupus).
I went to the hospital for the same exact problem and they sent me home and told me to drink miralax every hour until I went. I literally drank 8 cups of miralax and I finally went.
You should absolutely go to a hospital ASAP! Three weeks without shitting is way too long!
Matthew Perry's colon exploded and it's a miracle he didn't die! I actually had a family friend die in a similar manner and it ain't pretty. You might not die and end up with a colostomy bag, not great either!
My method is go on a first date with somebody you have been crushing on for ages. Guaranteed you will need to go by the time the entrees arrives.
If plenty of fluids and a laxitive from the pharmacy doesnt work, seek professional medical assistance.
Many helpful folks here saying go to a doctor. My advice is less helpful and not at all healthy but it’s what you asked for: drink on an empty stomach. Wake up with a lager. Have two tequila shots at 10 or 11 AM. You’ll shit your brains out.
I know this is by no means recommended but I cannot stand the feeling of being constipated and become increasingly difficult to be around until I can take a shit. I took like 3 different laxatives all at once. I’m pretty sure the golden combo for me was reccomend dose of dulcolax, milk of magnesia, and miralax (the strong kind of all 3) as well as hitting my vape a bunch and taking a dab (the dab shits are a real think, IYKYK).
I’ll spare you the details, but my high ass was glued to that toilet for 2 Goddamn hours but I did feel better after. And I think I need a seat belt installed for next time.
Prune juice will clear you out. Start with a cup and see if you get any movement, and if nothing, have another cup.
Make sure you stay near the bathroom because it comes on quick and fast.
Are you on any medications at the moment? Particularly pain medications?
Laxatives, coffee, and maybe a cigarette might help (obviously don't smoke a cigarette if you dont want to, but it was a useful tool for me in my battle with constipation)
If those don't work, see a doctor.
If laxatives didn't work, that's a really bad sign. Maybe you have an obstruction in your intestines or something. This is not normal, go to the doctor before any complications appear.
As someone who has dealt with constipation quite a bit, the easiest, free-est, best-est advice I can give for the future is to go out of your way to drink alot of extra water every day. Seriously that's it. Yeah u can add fiber to diet, change diet, take different meds, drink sour milk, etc.....but plenty of water alone is enough to keep u more regular.
Not only that, but drinking large amounts of water will also cause explosive diarrhea, at least on a somewhat normal stomach. I'm not really sure once you have a bunch of dry, impacted/compacted doodie, that's it's even possible for it all to break back down Into loose unformed butt squirts in the way you are implying, but I want to lean towards "no", I don't believe it works that way.
And yeah after way too long, you definitely want to see a Dr, because guess what will happen if u don't fix it? Your body will try to evacuate the poop the only other way it knows how. That's right, you will puke up actual poop, which I'm sure is as unpleasant as it sounds. So for now see a Dr. Good luck.
You possibly may just be constipated or have trapped gas. GasX can help if you are bloated. Buy in all honesty if you can find a place that does colonics thay can be a quick relief. There is prune juice but that is hit or miss. And there is this tea called Smooth Move but be prepared to shit your soul out of your body.
Magnesium Salt + Warm Water (Bitter Taste)
But.. Guaranteed drizzling shits
*I am not a doctor, seek professional help for any illment physical or mental, Lord of Mercy.
The mag citrate will empty you out. But to drink 4?! You’re gonna turn inside out.
You can try 4 heaping tablespoons of baking soda and a glass of warm water. It WILL make you dump everything! I learned that by mistake
source: I’m a RN
3 fucking weeks? Find a coke dealer and do a line you’ll shit your brains out immediately.
Black coffee?
Lots of water as a healthy alternative, eat some pho, what the hell???????!!!!
Please go to a doctor! Three weeks is a really long time!
I suppose that’s smart. I have been cultivating a lot of mass
You could have a bowel obstruction or something serious. Please get that checked out. I would even say go to urgent care rn! (Assuming you’re in the US) Of nothing else they can give you some relief, but it cold be serious! So please get that checked out!
(we have urgent care in other countries)
Canadian here, we don't have urgent care, we just die.
Québec here, we have urgent care but we just die in the waiting room.
Ouin.
Your body is just so efficient at absorbing all the nutrients from the food there is no waste. You are peak human
Have you tried Fight Milk?
Stop cultivating and start harvesting!
For bodyguards. By bodyguards.
try an enema dude. i went to an urgent care for the same reason, except i was constipated for just a week due to eating a lot of beef jerky. they checked me out, said “yeah you’re constipated” and told me to buy an enema from walgreens/cvs. biggest log i’ve ever pooped came out with a fury after i did the enema. edit: they also billed me a couple hundred for the visit, on top of my insurance covering a few hundred. medical care in the US is such a scam.
Thank you for proving my point my guy! Try an enema/Miralax, take a giant shit, and save everyone some time and money.
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Instructions unclear, Olive shot my willy after oiling my butt.
and do it willy nilly! OMG I am getting caught up in this thread aaaaaaa!!!!
Get a pcp and don’t go to urgent care. Urgent care is a fiscal waste
Urgent care typically costs about the same as a PCP for stuff like this. They just have much better availability because they focus on walk in patients instead of continuing care.
Please don't go to the doctor until you have tried more than one OTC. See my main comment on Miralax/mag citrate. You WILL poop from the Miralax strat I detailed in my other comment. A bowel obstruction is unlikely unless you are completely obstipated (NO bowel movement AT ALL) and usually presents with intractable pain, nausea, and vomiting with any oral intake. You can try a fleet enema as well. Just please don't go to the ER for this. You could try calling a nurse triage line for advice but seriously, if you drink a capful of Miralax with 12oz water every hour until you shit, you'll be fine. Source: am ER nurse and have had to deal with a staggering number of people who are constipated but have barely tried anything before asking for help
How long does one capful of miralax make you, feel like you need to pooo Does it wear off in 24 hours or so? Asking for myself so I can take it and not have it interfere with work.
It’s not instant at all. I put two caps in my drink in the morning every day or every other day just to try and not end up in OP’s situation…..again. And it’s not urgency like a laxative, it just inches me closer to having a regular poop frequency
It's not like an incredible fire shit out of your ass thing. It just adds more moisture to your shit, it often helps with medication based constipation. Stimulant laxatives will do what you're worried about in my experience haha.
There used to be an ad for a laxative that said “… works while you sleep…”. A comedian commented, “I hope not!”
It's funny that this comment got upvoted, but your other comments saying the same thing got downvoted
Yeah lol it's fine. As long as people are hearing my gospel of Miralax it's worth it. Then maybe I won't have to do so many soap suds enemas on perfectly capable young men lmao
I swear by Miralax (or the unbrand version, it is the same thing), so I second your gospel, lol!
Start harvesting.
Well stop cultivating and start harvesting! (But seriously, please see a doctor)
Have you been watching Predator? Because in body mass alone...
Well stop cultivating and start harvesting!
Stop cultivating and start harvesting
its always sunny in philly reference? :)
IF YOU ARE CULTIVATING, STOP CULTIVATING AND START HARVESTING. CHEW AND BREATHE, SEPARATELY
Eat sugar free gummy bears -but actually go see a doctor bro. That’s what they’re here for
This sounds like a medical problem, you need to see a doctor if over the counter laxatives or drinking coffee don’t work!
Only time will tell
Coffee and a cigarette. I know it's frowned upon, but it's an old trick. Also, fruit. Eat a whole watermelon, or eat it until you shit water, violently. Lol I hope you feel better!
My dad would do this every morning. He only smoked one cigarette a day and it was that one.
For a second there I thought your dad ate an entire watermelon every day
I do this in the summer. Its like the only good thing about the summer in Texas.
I'm so sorry that the only good thing about summer in Texas is shitting water violently every day. But it could be worse. You could live in Florida.
Dude me too I was like holy shit??!!
Why is this so fucking funny lmao
Hahaha no
Yeah, it makes the morning shit such a fast and enjoyable process.
Coffee and banana for me every morning. Works like a charm!
Coffee and a cigarette is exactly what a friend of mine did after not being able to shit for a week. It worked immediately haha
I poop almost every time after my morning cigarette... Do we know why? Something about the nicotine?
For real. I once went to the doctor to see if I was allergic to lactose or something because every time I drank coffee with milk I would immediately need to go. He's like, dude it's the coffee.
Lactose can give people diarrhea, but in rare cases it gives constipation as well. It took a while before doctors found out why my toddler could not go. Once I changed his diet his problems where gone
I read this too fast and thought you were giving a toddler coffee haha
Coffee always does it for me.... A couple of mugs on an empty stomach and a few minutes later I'm praying to the porcelain gods.
That means vomiting, not pooping
It’s like half the reason why I’m addicted to coffee. Love the post coffee morning poops
Man, I get it post first sip.
Morning coffee and cigarette equals massive shit Both can be laxatives
PRUNES!!!
Why did I have to scroll so far to find prunes? Story time: in my young twenties a friend offered me a prune, and I said “No thank you, I don’t like prunes.” But I realized that in actuality I had never tried them. I tried one and loved it. Went out and bought a bag of them. Loved them. Are the whole bag at once. Went to work and proceeded for my bowels to completely explode, all day. It was rough. Prunes!!!!
Oh gosh. That must have been a hell of a day!!! 😂😂
Be careful with advice here. A lot of people are sharing what works **for them**. A lot of these don’t work for some of us and might make things worse. Just call your doctor.
Go grab some magnesium citrate - it’s OTC. It’s used for colonoscopy prep.
Came here to recommend this. But at this point, there may be an impaction, so I’m torn between “Go to a doctor, NOW” and “try this incredible liquid laxative.” edit: punctuation, spelling
Even with an impaction, he can likely do a fleet enema. That should loosen it up. Repeat until it's out. If you're brave, buy some disposable medical gloves so you can do a digital disimpaction. Otherwise the ER doc/nurse will do it for you 👉👌
> 👉👌 This was not necessary lol
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I agree with your disagreement. That was textbook perfect use of emoji. 💯
As someone who just had a colonoscopy yesterday: oh. my. god.
Had mine a few months back- AHHHHHHH Frank it until I was throwing it up as well
I think he updated his status which says his doctor advised this. You won the internet
I had a similar issue a while back so I decided to see if it was on Amazon to keep on hand just in case (I live a half hour drive from any grocery store or Walmart) and it's listed as a sleep aid, either the product listing on Amazon is horribly inaccurate or there's a certain dosage you need to induce a bowel movement.
The Haribo sugar-free gummy bears. Read the Amazon reviews. They're great!
Any "sugar free" candy will do it, specifically if they have sugar alcohol. They really really need a giant warning on the front of them it's absolutely insane, you'd think you had norovirus if you didn't put together what you did
I’ve been eating sugar free lifesaver mints. Last night I had about 8 before going to bed and woke up an hour and half later (while dreaming about someone complaining about needing to use the bathroom and me yelling at them to go ) having to sprint to the bathroom. It was strange and then I realized it was the sugar free mints lmao
Yeah. Basically sorbitol and xylitol sweetened candy or gum.
Oh man, I forgot about the reviews on the sugar free haribo. God that is such a fun read. There are some real gems in there
Quoting by memory: "Send a bunch to your local congressman as a gift".
Similar effect with the sugar free jelly beans. Ate them on a road trip. The warning that I ignored said eat 5 beans and then see how your digestive track responds. I ate the entire pack and was really thankful they let me check in to the hotel early.
PaymoneyWubby live streamed himself eating those and the effects. For those that want to see its power.
Hahahaha one time my uncle accidentally got me the sugar free ones on Easter and my parents didn’t notice. Of course I was just happy to get candy, ate most of the bag before someone stopped me. Was not a good night.
The reviews are great. The product itself scares me.
My family found this out the hard way 😂
The LA Beast ate a bag of those, the video is magical.
This review makes me laugh so much. When I worked at a very toxic job with a few very toxic co workers I almost wanted to put them in the candy bowl that we had sitting out because I knew they’d eat them. The best part would have been we only had two toilets at the job so it would be a fight for life
Re: your edit... Stay close to the bathroom for a while because you're about to shit out everything you've eaten since 3rd grade.
Im actually so excited I fully expect to lose 10 pounds
Lol I hope it's everything you dream it will be! But for real if you have work tomorrow, you will probably want to call out. Magnesium citrate is no joke. Best of luck, hope you feel better soon!
I hope you’ve hopped on a scale already to get a “before”. When this shit goes down you may not have time to get your pants off, much less weight before.
Please update us
Ikr I'm fully involved.
Bro is still blasting away in the bathroom. Probably needs an IV bag at this point
I need an update! Did you take a shit? How was it?
At this moment I’m prepping for a colonoscopy. You need whatever they gave me, because I’m spewing like a fire hose
What does your prep liquid taste like? When I had one 15 years ago, I had to drink this salty stuff that they tried to mask with vanilla flavoring. It was not an improvement.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday. The prep stuff came with a lemon flavoring packet, kind of made it taste like slightly salty crystal lite. Last time i could barely gag it down, but had no problems this time.
By the end I was just feeling fear and dread every time that alarm went off and I had to drink another glass. I ended up throwing up a fair bit of it
That’s exactly what it was like last time I had one. I’d literally start shaking in fear and start crying when that alarm went off. By the end each sip made me gag so hard. They must have changed the flavoring to disguise the ick better because this time I was able to drink it right down.
They've replaced the vanilla with mango and fruit punch,the salty flavour is still present
You guys get flavour choices? I had the option of sad lemony tears flavour.
Don't worry it's a trick choice, they both taste like used stringent bathwax
Dang mine tasted of nothing but tears and depression. They said you can add lemon juice which made it even worse somehow. In the end I drank it with my nose covered, otherwise it would come out the other way.
Ah ducolax, take the max dosage and you’ll pee from your ass
Ive read multiple posts about a coffee chains explosive failure of mixing olive oil with coffee - 2 items known to result in moving experiences. Look it up!
I need an update, nay I demand an update 
See a doctor. Bowel obstructions are no joke. And if you have a large dry stool stuck in there, you can eat something that will give you diarrhea but the softer poop will just go around the big dry stuck poop and won’t actually help. Do an enema. Miralax. A full capful. A few tablespoons of olive oil. Or Mayo. Anything oily. Black coffee. Chug a Gatorade.
Yes definitely go see a doctor. Constipation and diarrhea can be quite painful if you are going that route.
I second this. Very very much. Constipation is considered one of the four main killers in my profession (care work).
Multiple caps full, one is a standard dose.
I see you like to live dangerously... close to shitting your pants. If miralax is anything like it was when I had to take a half cap-ful as a kid, oh buddy.
I dunno, it takes days to work from starting fresh and one capful is perfectly normal for most people. Like you can supplement every day if you don't get enough fiber. But i'm not a doctor lol.
what difference does it make if its black coffee or some other kind? I’ve recently switched from drinking cappuccinos to exclusively black coffee and I have noticed that I’ve been having “less solid” shits more frequently
Maybe the protein in milk helps slow down the processing of the coffee in your stomach? I don’t know, I have just always used black coffee for constipation and also for getting rid of migraines.
As an opioid addict who’s, many times, experienced “the softer poop going around the big dry stuck poop” ….I’m genuinely scared for OP. I gots the sweats just thinking about it.
>Tonight I drank pickle juice, had magnesium citrate, ate Taco Bell for dinner, ate sugar free candy, took a fiber supplement, and have drank lots and lots of water. I’m currently preparing myself to inevitably break the world record for largest shit ever. OP is dead
He was never going to slow roll a giganto turd and fill up the pot. He's gonna blow like Old Faithful and produce enough thrust to achieve escape velocity. Here in about 20 years, some amateur astronomer is gonna find his half naked, flash frozen corpse orbiting Deimos and be *really* fucking confused.
Haribo Sugar Free gummy bears - you will shit your soul out - but also just go to the doctor - my sister has similar issues, she had a twisted bowl and all sorts of weird things going on. If she'd left it, it probably would have killed her - remember that waste isn't supposed to hang around in us for that long. Your lining can re-absorb bacteria or whatever that can make you ill.
We definitely need an update as to when you actually shit. Feel so invested in this whole thing
When I was pregnant I ate a whole jar of green olives and shit SO MUCH. it was much needed. Earlier in my life I ate a whole jar of pickles and actually shit myself. So either would probably suffice
Interesting. I wonder if vinegar has some sort of effect or if it's half-digested greenery.
It’s the high amount of sodium that sucks water out of your cells and into your gut which gives you diarrhea. You can buy ‘osmotic laxatives’ which do the same thing.
I ate 7 whole dill pickles when pregnant and it cleaned me out.
Sugar free gummy bears, but they have to be sugar free.
I will try that, tonight’s dinner is gonna be sugar free gummy bears and a dragon fruit it sounds like
Don't eat a ton of sugar alcohols (what's in sugar free crap most often) if you don't know how you respond to it. As someone mentioned, if you've got an actual obstruction it could make everything 10x worse. And three weeks is sounding like possible obstruction territory
Well now we are all going to need an update
If you're lucky enough to be lactose intolerant, just chug a liter of your finest whole milk.
Sadly I am not
its pretty common for lactose to do the opposite - it can bung you up real good. Just sayin.
Was going to say this
I occasionally have the same problem, I tried high fiber foods and even Miralax. Nothing worked. Then I was suggested a table spoonvor two of castor oil. Man does it work. Give it 5-6 hrs.
*Don't drink castor oil if you're pregnant.
PLEASE go to the doctor.
When my daughter was younger, she had several uti's. After mulitple Dr's visuts, we discovered she was severally constipated/impacted. Under Dr's orders, we gave her a regular dose (a capful) of Miralax daily, and every other weekend, she took 7 doses over the 3 day time frame. We were told to have her sit on the toilet, with her feet propped up on a small stepstool, and blow up a balloon a few times each day. That motion makes your intestines contract like they do when you poop. I know that's not a specific food, but I hope this helps you. (The only food that comes to mind is Taco Bell!! Or Taco Hell, as some people I know call it for the way it tears up their stomachs!! So maybe try that 1st!! )
Not food but Get some glycerin suppositories from Amazon, run under the hot water tap, down on your hunkers and shove it right up your jacksie. Wait 10mins to it stimulates your bowel and boom, oil slick. However if your eyes are yellow or back pain or jaundice for example, straight to the doctor to get checked.
I've used these before. They work, but it's difficult to hold them in for the 15 minutes required, at least while sitting.
Pickle juice
Just took a big chug of it, will update with results
I grew up playing sports in the Deep South. We kept pickle juice nearby for cramps. This past summer, I played in a flag football league. Came home from practice with minor cramping, so I did what I knew from childhood. Idk what made it so delicious on that 102° day, but I just couldn’t stop drinking it. I drank nearly the whole jar. 15 minutes later I was on the toilet essentially vomiting from my ass. I had never experienced a blowout like that. It was truly disgusting but I strangely felt like I had a massive internal cleanse.
But if you can go see a doctor
Are the results back??
If you can't go to a doctor or ER, please go see a pharmacist. All the bowel preps used for procedures are over the counter, and you just need to ask for them. Please don't listen to reddit for specific medical advice, friend. If you have an obstruction that gets bad enough it could end up needing surgical intervention. Good luck and take care of yourself!
Prune juice
Get some Miralax, and go see a doctor.
Sugar free candy… Edit: your midsection will hurt if you can’t release the sugar alcohols they use in sugar free candy. If you have a massive obstruction, it could make things a lot worse for you. Significantly.
Go to a doctor, drink prune juice. But there seems to be a bigger issue here, maybe that healthy diet has something you're allergic to in it
Literally just drink a cap of miralax with a glass of water every hour til you shit. You WILL shit. And it's virtually impossible to overdose on. Just please for the love of god don't go to the ER for constipation. Taking one laxative with no effect doesn't mean you've exhausted your options. If you don't want to do the Miralax (PEG) route, you can drink a bottle of mag citrate, although it's been hard to find because of a recall last year. Or a fleet enema, but honestly these don't work as well IMO compared with the Miralax strat. If you go to the ER, the doc will likely be annoyed and give you a ridiculously OP enema that will leave you in shambles. Just to make a point to try other stuff first. Source: was ER nurse
Nurses are awesome, keep more people alive than any other profession. Except maybe water treatment technicians. Well maybe Farmers too they keep people alive. Then there's also pilots...and oh yeah doctors. But nurses are awesome for the shit they deal with. Hmmm CNA's deal with a lot of shit too.  Thanks for keeping people stable long enough for the doctors to decide what to do.
Miralax. Depending on how long it's been, see a doctor, this can get serious. As for food: oatmeal cookies are my favorite, but since I always eat a bunch, I inevitably always get liquid poops. Might help you (and they're tasty if homemade).
When I had surgery a few years ago I was warned that it might cause constipation. A nurse suggested mixing one part warm prune juice with one part milk of magnesia. She called it "the brown bomber", for the reaction it has. Oh boy, did it work! You really don't want to be far from a toilet for a while if you try this. Good luck.
Pear juice, prune juice, prunes, apricots, plums.. Or U can buy a fruity mash mix from the chemist by the name of NU-LAX. Keep pumping the water and hopefully you'll explode with excellence and precision.
Surprised no one has said to do 3 shots of olive oil Doctor is better, but, olive oil would do it
I take senna because I am constipated from pain meds. I take 5 a day this helps me at least go more regularly but for a while I added a probiotic and BAM-explosive all the way. I mean EVERYTHING came out. Head this warning: it would hit at the worst possible times. In Board meetings, driving with no bathroom in sight. Many times I thought I was going to have to shit in my pants. So Be Careful. Maybe start with a few senna and see how you react. And maybe 1 probiotic. Unless you like having Poo-Emergencies!
Sugar free gummy bears are what you are looking for. These are a gold mine for diarrhea-centric horror stories which are weirdly epic written. I can't word it as well as some reviews but to quote one: "It was my last class of the semester, and the final exam was worth 30% of our grade. After a late night study session I felt confident, but I had to decide between sleeping in or cooking breakfast. My eyelids chose sleep. My stomach later regretted this decision, and after several uncomfortable stomach growls, I finally decided to make a quick stop by the campus bookstore and grab a snack before my test. Since the semester was ending and everyone was going home for the summer, a lot of items were on sale, including the snacks and candy that they kept up front. Being in the hungry state that I was in, it felt only logical to pick the largest, yet least expensive candy in order to get more bang for my buck. And there they sat: two bags of Haribo Sugar-Free Gummi Bears, buy one get one free. "What a deal!" I thought naïvely. I would eat one bag before my test, and one bag afterwards. As I walked to class, I gleefully chewed on those abominable little bastards, unaware of the utter mayhem that they would soon unleash upon my poor, poor anus. I sat down at my desk as the professor informed us that, due to issues with cheating in the past, restroom breaks would be prohibited until the completion of the exam. "I'll give you 10 minutes to use the restroom now; this will be your last chance. Any takers?" The demon bears hadn't released their unholy necromancy upon my stomach yet, so in my moment of ignorant foolishness, I remained seated, still munching on those miniature bear-shaped bombs. After the students wise enough to take the professor's offer had returned, the professor handed out the test. I was six questions in when it happened. It started subtly at first, almost like a slight tingly sensation in my lower abdomen. I thought nothing of it, assuming my intestines were just doing their thang. Little did I know that my intestines were trying desperately to warn me of the horror that was on the horizon. By question 9 it happened again, but this time it was followed by a sharp pain, as if those infernal hellions had orchestrated an attack upon my colon. I fought to contain the groan that tried escaping my lips. It was at this point I began to panic; something was going horribly long, and I needed to get through this test before it got any worse. By question 14 my worst fear was upon me; the Satan bears' burning, hot, liquidy dark magic crashed against my anal sphincter like a tidal wave. I was able to close the hatch just in time, but those relentless, toxic bears beat against it like Orcs breaking down the doors of Helm's Deep. I knew I wouldn't be able to so much as shift in my seat without risking a breach. I kept fighting through my exam, clenching my cheeks with all my might. Beads of sweat began rolling down my neck. Suddenly, a loud, gurgling war cry came from my belly, and the entire class lifted their heads. At this point, nothing mattered except expelling this ungodly presence from my bowels. With 15 questions left, I promptly wrote C for every answer and ran out of the classroom. My professor yelled something, but I was too preoccupied with the volcanic eruption that needed to take place before I could find sweet, sweet relief. I burst into the restroom like the Kool-Aid man and, behold, the handicap stall was empty. Sun rays from the adjacent window shone upon it, as if it were a gift from God himself. It took me less than .5 seconds to undo my belt buckle, pull down my pants, and finally relax my weary buttocks upon the toilet seat. It took absolutely no effort to expel this demon. Almost immediately, the floodgates of hell were opened and the damned, liquified souls of an entire bag's worth of gummi bears cried as they burned through my sphincter and into the watery abyss below. I had never felt such simultaneous relief and anguish in my life. After 30 more minutes of this, I immediately went home, dug a hole in my backyard, and burned the remaining bag of gummi bears. I leave with this; do not, I repeat do NOT eat these spawns of Satan. Not only did they cause me to fail my final test, but the anguish I experienced is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. The only place these god forsaken hell bears belong are buried deep below the Earth's surface."
I like prunes but don’t eat more than 2 because it’ll make me poop. But if it’s that serious, you should see a GI doctor… you could have a blockage somewhere
sugar free haribo gummy bears. edit: nvm lol seems you're possibly having some other problem that making yourself get diarrhea may not cure.
3 weeks is a lot of shit, you should go to the doctor. You could have a bowel obstruction or it could be a symptom of something else (not Lupus though, it's never Lupus).
I went to the hospital for the same exact problem and they sent me home and told me to drink miralax every hour until I went. I literally drank 8 cups of miralax and I finally went.
You should absolutely go to a hospital ASAP! Three weeks without shitting is way too long! Matthew Perry's colon exploded and it's a miracle he didn't die! I actually had a family friend die in a similar manner and it ain't pretty. You might not die and end up with a colostomy bag, not great either!
WEIGH YOURSELF BEFORE AND AFTER!!!! PLEASE UPDATE WITH A WEIGHT. (in lbs.)
My method is go on a first date with somebody you have been crushing on for ages. Guaranteed you will need to go by the time the entrees arrives. If plenty of fluids and a laxitive from the pharmacy doesnt work, seek professional medical assistance.
Eat a bunch of fruit and you’ll shit like a spring goose.
Yellow Dragonfruit, its a natural laxative
Many helpful folks here saying go to a doctor. My advice is less helpful and not at all healthy but it’s what you asked for: drink on an empty stomach. Wake up with a lager. Have two tequila shots at 10 or 11 AM. You’ll shit your brains out.
I know this is by no means recommended but I cannot stand the feeling of being constipated and become increasingly difficult to be around until I can take a shit. I took like 3 different laxatives all at once. I’m pretty sure the golden combo for me was reccomend dose of dulcolax, milk of magnesia, and miralax (the strong kind of all 3) as well as hitting my vape a bunch and taking a dab (the dab shits are a real think, IYKYK). I’ll spare you the details, but my high ass was glued to that toilet for 2 Goddamn hours but I did feel better after. And I think I need a seat belt installed for next time.
Is there an update or are you still on the toilet?
Anxiously awaiting OP’s update! I’m wholly invested!
Litre of prune juice
I will add it to the list thank you
Apple juice if you can’t stomach prune juice. It can help!!
White Castles do the trick for about everyone I know. Maybe 6-8 and wait a few hours.
Prune juice will clear you out. Start with a cup and see if you get any movement, and if nothing, have another cup. Make sure you stay near the bathroom because it comes on quick and fast.
Your fiber is probably low. I find chia seeds everyday keeps my system healthy. If you’re in a crunch, have an espresso
So… did you poop? Did it work?
My son ate a whole container of Eclipse mints and it sounded like he was urinating from his ass within a few hours.
A table spoon of Epsom salts and a lot of water, and then KABOOM!!!
Are you on any medications at the moment? Particularly pain medications? Laxatives, coffee, and maybe a cigarette might help (obviously don't smoke a cigarette if you dont want to, but it was a useful tool for me in my battle with constipation) If those don't work, see a doctor.
taco bell's $5 dollar box is better than any laxative out there
Underappreciated comment. I had to scroll way too far to find this, the perfect response. Definitely the way to go!
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Had a similar situation a few months ago. Also work out, eat healthy, drink water, etc. How are you doing emotionally? Are you stuck anywhere in life?
No man life is good love my girlfriend love my job enjoy everyday this is the only down side in my life right now
If laxatives didn't work, that's a really bad sign. Maybe you have an obstruction in your intestines or something. This is not normal, go to the doctor before any complications appear.
Coffee. Laxidives. Tea. Pickle Juice.
Three weeks?! That could be a blockage of some sorts. Please go see a doctor.
As someone who has dealt with constipation quite a bit, the easiest, free-est, best-est advice I can give for the future is to go out of your way to drink alot of extra water every day. Seriously that's it. Yeah u can add fiber to diet, change diet, take different meds, drink sour milk, etc.....but plenty of water alone is enough to keep u more regular. Not only that, but drinking large amounts of water will also cause explosive diarrhea, at least on a somewhat normal stomach. I'm not really sure once you have a bunch of dry, impacted/compacted doodie, that's it's even possible for it all to break back down Into loose unformed butt squirts in the way you are implying, but I want to lean towards "no", I don't believe it works that way. And yeah after way too long, you definitely want to see a Dr, because guess what will happen if u don't fix it? Your body will try to evacuate the poop the only other way it knows how. That's right, you will puke up actual poop, which I'm sure is as unpleasant as it sounds. So for now see a Dr. Good luck.
You possibly may just be constipated or have trapped gas. GasX can help if you are bloated. Buy in all honesty if you can find a place that does colonics thay can be a quick relief. There is prune juice but that is hit or miss. And there is this tea called Smooth Move but be prepared to shit your soul out of your body.
Magnesium Salt + Warm Water (Bitter Taste) But.. Guaranteed drizzling shits *I am not a doctor, seek professional help for any illment physical or mental, Lord of Mercy.
Dude, enema. I had this happen to me and finally did an enema and boy howdy, I gave birth to another shit child.
Pls update. I’m emotionally invested in the outcome
Never thought I’d be so interested to know if someone took a dump or not. Good luck OP!
Please update us in the morning if you actually broke the world record or not
You’re going to shit a Diamond.
The mag citrate will empty you out. But to drink 4?! You’re gonna turn inside out. You can try 4 heaping tablespoons of baking soda and a glass of warm water. It WILL make you dump everything! I learned that by mistake source: I’m a RN
Get a poop stool. You do need to see a doctor though but a poop stool helps with bowel movement.
3 fucking weeks? Find a coke dealer and do a line you’ll shit your brains out immediately. Black coffee? Lots of water as a healthy alternative, eat some pho, what the hell???????!!!!
Wow 3 weeks it's a lot. I'll be worried after 2 days because I can't skip a day when going to the toilet
Dare I ask for another update? Did you make it through the anal birthing process?
Did everything come out ok? How’d it go?
Here OP sat broken hearted Needed to shit But only farted