For sure, every situation is different. I (46 mtf) am one of the fortunate ones that have managed to keep my job, friends, and most importantly my wife (married for 23 years). Came out to her (46 cis f) nearly 2 years ago and it was a struggle at first but we've managed to get stronger over time.
It is perfectly logical to be scared. You don't know how the future will unfold, but what finally triggered it for me was not knowing how my future will unfold if I do nothing. You owe it to yourself to figure this out.
I won't lie to you. Most of us have massive loss at some degree or another.
I lost family. My wife. My job.
But I gained a partner who accepts me and I love completely, I am my true self in many other ways, and I realized I need to be happy at work too.
So is there bad? Yes. But it's up to you to find the silver lining.
I live in the American south, and I thought the same would happen to me. It does work out. Yes my wife was hurt, my job was ok. We are seeing professional help and I am sure it’s going to be ok. She was excited to finally know who I really am. We are staying married.
It’s easy to imagine everything that could go wrong but it’s hard to imagine the ways that people can be kind and affirming to you. Those moments will surprise and delight you!
I live in the South too and I still found a lot of acceptance here. I've been into redneck bars completely dressed like a woman and not passing and had no major problems. In fact, a couple of the guys walked me out to the car a couple times for safety. The South gets a bad rap and a lot of it is deserved, some of it is not. There are good people here.
Agree with you so much that “a lot of it is deserved, some of it is not.” I am not passing and when I get called ma’am without asking and that genteel southern hospitality is bestowed upon me, I feel so affirmed! Happened when I was in a tiny small town gas station/restaurant/gift shop place that had military flags and stuff like that everywhere. I thought I’d be lynched or hanging from a tree but instead they called me ma’am (without me asking) and showed me the ladies room when I asked for the bathroom.
My situation is completely different than yours, but I had to overcome a mountain of fear before beginning transition, and most of it turned out to be in my imagination. It's still scary, but it's getting easier, and pieces are falling into place and providing the map for the next steps. People who I expected to react badly have been super supportive, and friends I thought would be here for for me no matter what are distancing themselves. It's impossible to predict the future, but I'm glad I chose to step into it, instead of remaining stuck in my past. There may be some losses, but the gains more than make up for that.
There's absolutely no way to know how the people around you will react. It's literally a matter of luck. And the shape of the future may be different from now, *in a better way.*
My partner, when I began gender exploring and when my egg cracked, was the most amazing ally possible. They still are! But we're not an intimate couple anymore. My relationship changed (smoothly, with no one hurt and no strife) into a T4T couple, and my old partner and I are platonically raising our baby.
The future is probably surprising! Be open to change. The world is different as a woman, it's not necessary to corral yourself into any specific behaviours. Explore, sister!
Thank you for describing intimacy in your relationship. My wife has said if I start HRT that we can share the house, but in separate rooms. She thinks it's "when" not "if". She hopes years, I think later this summer. If I desist from HRT then we can try again. No guarantees. I'm mid 50's trans femme.
>My relationship changed (smoothly, with no one hurt and no strife) into a T4T couple, and my old partner and I are platonically raising our baby.
I'm about to start HRT, and my situation seems similar-ish. I'm really curious if you don't mind sharing was it you, her, or both?
Well, they were already out as non-binary, and they were 4 months pregnant when my egg cracked. They were a super-ally, I couldn't have had a better partner, even given that we are no longer romantically involved.
I'll send a DM and we can talk.
My (44 mtf) story is the exact opposite, but not necessarily directly due to transitioning, but, in a way, tied to it. When I started transitioning, the VA immediately put me in therapy. Understandable, seeing as the only group that hits higher on the self-harm chart is transgender folks, and when someone happens to fall in both groups, it's not an "A" + "B" thing, it's more of an "A" x "B" thing. Turns out that they were right, I was really good at hiding my depression with the ol' "it's nobody else's problem that I feel this way, so let's not make it that way" type of gal. Welp, two years of once a week therapy later, and I started standing up for myself and setting boundaries with the people in my life. That didn't go well with a few folks. My business partner for one exited my life all "scorched earth" style, tanking the business and attempting to put me in the hospital. My wife actually called my therapist and left a very ugly voicemail (I got to listen) wherein she was screaming at them for "How dare you get her to stand up for herself, things were so much better when she didn't." That was a couple of days that she said to me, "I know I wanted you to start setting boundaries with people in your life, but I didn't mean me." I am now 11 months into what has been described as "one of the ugliest divorce cases the court has ever seen. " She actually tried to file a restraining order against me, stating that "when EmJay (that's me, by the way) yelled at me to stop hitting her, that shows how violent she is" when the judge asked her if she hit me often, she said "yah, but it doesn't count when I hit her, cause she's bigger than me." The judge then turned to me and said,"I'm not signing this, but with her admitting what she just did, if you want one agenst her, I'll sign it right now." So I got a restraining order without even having to file for one.
I have many years of therapy visits ahead of me, but I and my daughter are happy for what seems like the first time in a long while. I don't even remember where I was going with this comment, I seem to have gone off the rails a bit. Sorry for the lengthy read, and I'm so very happy every time I read a "not as bad as I was bracing for" post.
TLDR: Not all coming out stories are bad, but not all are good at first. Being yourself is the first step to finding happiness. And everyone should have a therapist. Don't sit on what you feel is good enough. There is a light on the other side of the bad, even if I couldn't see it, it was there.
Be pragmatic. It might work out, but it might not. It’s a ride. After talking to some of us who have done this, ask one question, “would you ever go back?”. The answer is always no. I will never go back and just like others, I wish I would have done this earlier, but that’s not something to dwell on.
As a friend of mine said, there’s basically nothing in life you can’t go and change so be happy.
Unfortunately there are no guarantees. I'm 57, came out to my wife last weekend - still waiting to see how that works out. I just know I couldn't continue in the sea of despair I was in.
I started transitioning just shy of 51. I had the same fears. I live in a red part of a blue state.
Lost fiancé.
Kept job and family.
Lost a couple friends, but gained even more.
I gained self respect, self worth, self love.
The fears we make in our head are usually 10x worse.
The important part is evaluating yourself, and situation. I always prepare for the worse and hope for the best. I feel that anything I lose from being true to myself doesn’t serve me and I’ll be happier without them.
I am scared too! I came out to my wife about a month ago, and I won't lie, it has been the hardest month of our marriage. There has been pain, and misery...and there has been joy and the inability to deny that I could keep this inside any longer. Once my egg cracked...there was never really any other option...
Keep your chin up. In the midst of all the pain and potential loss, there will be undeniable euphoria as well. Like lots have said, the affirming moments will shock and surprise you in the best of ways and it takes surprisingly few to fuel me through the hard parts.
The political climate matters less in reality than everything else you’ve listed. I understand the concerns about your partner but why would you say you’d lose your career?
Because it happens. It happened to me. I’m still to this day working a job I loathe because I can’t find a hiring committee willing to hire my trans ass.
I'm scared too! 49 here and the same problem ! A lot of love! But it is what is... please feel that, it will be alright... I believe in me and also in you... feel yourself♡
I’m in the same boat. It seems like a bomb I’ll never be able to drop because of the potential casualties around me. How much will I lose? Who will I have left if I follow through with this? It’s such a nightmare
I feel you. I'm scared to even start to come out, and I live in a fairly blue area and have no reason to believe I would lose my job or loved ones, but still. It's hard. Nobody who isn't trans would understand, but we do, and are here for you.
I live in a red state as well. I haven't exactly come out at work, but I am no longer hiding the changes either. Nothing has really changed at work, or at least nothing that I can see or hear. That's good enough for me. I have been stuck in that tweener stage where strangers will gender me either way. And, only one person has been openly rude by aggressively "sir"ing me loudly and publicly.
I think the transition might actually be easier when you are older. I don't exactly understand why.
My family was accepting, but that wasn't really a surprise. My son had come out as transgender before me. Overall this has been a very positive experience.
It doesn’t always work out in terms of external factors. I lost pretty much everything. But I’m myself now, and when I’m not spiraling due to extreme loneliness and hopelessness I try to remember that even if I’m not going to make it- I will be me at the end. I could have lived a convenient lie, I guess I chose hard mode instead. Wasn’t really a choice though TBH.
But no it doesn’t always work out for everyone- and don’t believe people who tell you otherwise. That’s just not realistic. To have any chance though (IMO), you’re going to need to depart the “sea of red”.
I lost everything but myself. Coming out was the most painful year of my life and it was worth every second even when I was going through it even when I was homeless and knew people who I thought loved me could help with almost no effort to them. Nothing is worse than being someone you're not and nothing is better than being yourself. I'm really sorry for what you might experience. You don't deserve the world you were put in but it's worth being you.
What a fantastic thread. My wife was very supportive but we're now discussing our marriage and she, as I write, can't be married to a woman.
We were a close couple, still with a lot of love between us, but my dysphoria, among other things, unrecognised, has been a huge strain in the last few years and we're short of relationship credit. I'm living apart from them (two teenagers too) at present. There has been some really sharp pain around all this and feelings of betrayal on both sides.
It feels like, in my fifties, I have a whole new life to build, new skills to acquire, old socialising skills to dust off. I feel so much more ready to contribute, to be part of a community.
It has been so good to read so many of you say: it's worth it to be yourself. After the battering of the last few weeks, I sometimes briefly wonder if it's worth it. But only briefly.
I love who I'm becoming. In fact I'm who I've always been, girl and woman, but now feeling far less compromised. As they say here in Australia, "She'll be right". And maybe it was never more true.
I was scared, then decided I was more scared of not being me. I live in a RED state, do red state things, go to red state places without barely a second look. I've had more looks and stares in BLUE states and in blue places. I didn't come out at work, I just changed and it's gone smoothly. When asked I answered and no one seemed to have an issue. I work in a Federal job, so your milage may vary. How your wife will respond will depend on her, you, how your mirage is and lots of other things between the two of you.
From my personal experiences and travels, it's blue states/places that I've gotten to be more worried about.
I'd say that milage will vary. I'm from a red state also, Missouri in the conservative Ozarks where I lost my job instantly over it and I worked in the logging industry. Needless to say where I'm from it could have been worse, a lot. That was over 2yrs ago and I wouldn't trade anything for my life now. I'm 56yo and have completely changed my life, I'm 7 weeks post opp bottom surgery thanks to the wonderful people at the Cleaveland clinic and just the people in Ohio period, which also happens to be a Red state but a totally different way.
For me as far as wife's I got rid of the last cheating one in 2016 and then started my transition and devoted all that time to my transition and until I was complete, well now I'm complete and am getting ready to start dating again but this time there's been a wonderful small change. Hahaha I totally like men now only. 🫣
I new there was a small chance but this is more than small, there's no way I could ever be with a woman again, I can't stand there smell. So everyone really should be careful what they wish for. Especially if you are worried about losing a wife or girlfriend, you could end up like me and can't stomach a female any more. I was with around 80 women in my life and for over 30yr. It would suck if your sexual changed like the hormones caused mine too.
But I never had male ranges of Testosterone either so when I started estrogen injection I had my first full puberty late in life. So I couldn't ever have my own children or anything as a man but it truly rewired my complete being now.
It would have been horrible had I had a wife and everything changed like it has and she wanted to stay with me.
I guess I'm saying don't fear the future, live for the now and don't hide from anyone or anything.
Hug's Emily 🤗
I’m scared. Such an honest start. I feel that. Me too. If you live your truth, with passion and love, I’m not sure how that could be anything other than good for us. I wish you the best and be yourself 💕
Some and some, my experience is that I gained a lot more than I lost. My marriage did fail though and I lost people.
It was a very hard few years however my alternative was to have no life at all, so I persevered. Now… I’m happy to be alive, then… I wasn’t and felt that I couldn’t go on.
I had two years of therapy and I think it contributed at least to 50% of the success of my transition.
Ftm over 50 here. Started medical transition about 2yrs ago. Lost my family, husband is "absolutely straight" and as soon as the hair started coming in he started complaining. He wants to stay married but stay friends. The future for us is wide open. My industry is *kind of* cool; depending where I work it's either so masculine they're smashing cinder blocks on their heads it could be dangerous for me or they're cool, it all depends. But yeah, it's scary as hell, you can lose horrendously financially, BUT: I feel so much better. In the end you know what's best for you and what you can handle but if you can find trans friendly therapists you can get through it.
I’m 55. I’ve been out to my wife, youngest daughter, and a dear friend of ours for 6 years. All the ones I trusted most (but was still worried they might bail. They didn’t ). The rest of my family, well most of them are red state, small town, limited experience , you get the idea. I may or may not keep them when I tell them, and they don’t get to know until I’m heading to surgery. I don’t want to be treated differently for now. I don’t want to be treated differently afterwards really, and my concern is that those folks might. The ones that don’t just bail on me. But I can’t do *this* anymore. i’m going to be all of me and those people who don’t stay, are simply making space for those who I’ll meet.
Life isn’t perfect, and the best we can be is honest. Be honest with yourself, be honest with the people you love.
And as Ted Lasso said, it’s all going to work out. Maybe not in the way you think it is and maybe not in the way you wanted it to but it will all work out.
Fun show, legendary advice
It can be scary. I've found that thinking through how I want to present things to people -- and it can vary person to person -- could change things or at least give yourself some inner peace.
While i dont know your particular situation your job is probably fairly safe these days, just make sure they don't have another reason to can you to point to. can't speak for the wife thing but i started at 40 (44 now) and while my results arent what the would've been had i started at 20 I'm pretty content with them and I'm glad i started the journey. best of luck whatever you decide to do.
It does work out, but probably not the way you hope, my friend. You'll end up being You, which is huge. But the spouse (who didn't marry a woman), the kids, the house, the job, the life you once had us all in play and I am so sorry about that. Very little will remain the same. 💗
I'm not in a red area but I did lose my marriage when I came out am at a loss for what career I want to do (had a plan before but realized it's not really what I want to do anymore) despite the personal strife though I still am really happy I had the courage to come out and be my authentic self ask yourself this is it better to stay in a marriage and career if you have to keep pretending to be someone your not... I'm not saying it's not scary but also know plenty of people have come out and were able to transition while keeping their career and marriages in tack but you may never know if you don't say anything I'd say take it slow and come out at your pace even if that conversation takes years do it when your ready don't let anyone else pressure you just do what feels right
For sure, every situation is different. I (46 mtf) am one of the fortunate ones that have managed to keep my job, friends, and most importantly my wife (married for 23 years). Came out to her (46 cis f) nearly 2 years ago and it was a struggle at first but we've managed to get stronger over time. It is perfectly logical to be scared. You don't know how the future will unfold, but what finally triggered it for me was not knowing how my future will unfold if I do nothing. You owe it to yourself to figure this out.
not part of the discussion, but what a great Reddit handle!
I won't lie to you. Most of us have massive loss at some degree or another. I lost family. My wife. My job. But I gained a partner who accepts me and I love completely, I am my true self in many other ways, and I realized I need to be happy at work too. So is there bad? Yes. But it's up to you to find the silver lining.
I live in the American south, and I thought the same would happen to me. It does work out. Yes my wife was hurt, my job was ok. We are seeing professional help and I am sure it’s going to be ok. She was excited to finally know who I really am. We are staying married. It’s easy to imagine everything that could go wrong but it’s hard to imagine the ways that people can be kind and affirming to you. Those moments will surprise and delight you!
I live in the South too and I still found a lot of acceptance here. I've been into redneck bars completely dressed like a woman and not passing and had no major problems. In fact, a couple of the guys walked me out to the car a couple times for safety. The South gets a bad rap and a lot of it is deserved, some of it is not. There are good people here.
Agree with you so much that “a lot of it is deserved, some of it is not.” I am not passing and when I get called ma’am without asking and that genteel southern hospitality is bestowed upon me, I feel so affirmed! Happened when I was in a tiny small town gas station/restaurant/gift shop place that had military flags and stuff like that everywhere. I thought I’d be lynched or hanging from a tree but instead they called me ma’am (without me asking) and showed me the ladies room when I asked for the bathroom.
😭❤️
My situation is completely different than yours, but I had to overcome a mountain of fear before beginning transition, and most of it turned out to be in my imagination. It's still scary, but it's getting easier, and pieces are falling into place and providing the map for the next steps. People who I expected to react badly have been super supportive, and friends I thought would be here for for me no matter what are distancing themselves. It's impossible to predict the future, but I'm glad I chose to step into it, instead of remaining stuck in my past. There may be some losses, but the gains more than make up for that.
There's absolutely no way to know how the people around you will react. It's literally a matter of luck. And the shape of the future may be different from now, *in a better way.* My partner, when I began gender exploring and when my egg cracked, was the most amazing ally possible. They still are! But we're not an intimate couple anymore. My relationship changed (smoothly, with no one hurt and no strife) into a T4T couple, and my old partner and I are platonically raising our baby. The future is probably surprising! Be open to change. The world is different as a woman, it's not necessary to corral yourself into any specific behaviours. Explore, sister!
Thank you for describing intimacy in your relationship. My wife has said if I start HRT that we can share the house, but in separate rooms. She thinks it's "when" not "if". She hopes years, I think later this summer. If I desist from HRT then we can try again. No guarantees. I'm mid 50's trans femme.
My advice is "go, go, go", but you already knew that, amirite?
Hi Margie. So sorry, I didn't clock it was you replying! And yes I know 😀
It's okay babe! I love you
>My relationship changed (smoothly, with no one hurt and no strife) into a T4T couple, and my old partner and I are platonically raising our baby. I'm about to start HRT, and my situation seems similar-ish. I'm really curious if you don't mind sharing was it you, her, or both?
Well, they were already out as non-binary, and they were 4 months pregnant when my egg cracked. They were a super-ally, I couldn't have had a better partner, even given that we are no longer romantically involved. I'll send a DM and we can talk.
My (44 mtf) story is the exact opposite, but not necessarily directly due to transitioning, but, in a way, tied to it. When I started transitioning, the VA immediately put me in therapy. Understandable, seeing as the only group that hits higher on the self-harm chart is transgender folks, and when someone happens to fall in both groups, it's not an "A" + "B" thing, it's more of an "A" x "B" thing. Turns out that they were right, I was really good at hiding my depression with the ol' "it's nobody else's problem that I feel this way, so let's not make it that way" type of gal. Welp, two years of once a week therapy later, and I started standing up for myself and setting boundaries with the people in my life. That didn't go well with a few folks. My business partner for one exited my life all "scorched earth" style, tanking the business and attempting to put me in the hospital. My wife actually called my therapist and left a very ugly voicemail (I got to listen) wherein she was screaming at them for "How dare you get her to stand up for herself, things were so much better when she didn't." That was a couple of days that she said to me, "I know I wanted you to start setting boundaries with people in your life, but I didn't mean me." I am now 11 months into what has been described as "one of the ugliest divorce cases the court has ever seen. " She actually tried to file a restraining order against me, stating that "when EmJay (that's me, by the way) yelled at me to stop hitting her, that shows how violent she is" when the judge asked her if she hit me often, she said "yah, but it doesn't count when I hit her, cause she's bigger than me." The judge then turned to me and said,"I'm not signing this, but with her admitting what she just did, if you want one agenst her, I'll sign it right now." So I got a restraining order without even having to file for one. I have many years of therapy visits ahead of me, but I and my daughter are happy for what seems like the first time in a long while. I don't even remember where I was going with this comment, I seem to have gone off the rails a bit. Sorry for the lengthy read, and I'm so very happy every time I read a "not as bad as I was bracing for" post. TLDR: Not all coming out stories are bad, but not all are good at first. Being yourself is the first step to finding happiness. And everyone should have a therapist. Don't sit on what you feel is good enough. There is a light on the other side of the bad, even if I couldn't see it, it was there.
Be pragmatic. It might work out, but it might not. It’s a ride. After talking to some of us who have done this, ask one question, “would you ever go back?”. The answer is always no. I will never go back and just like others, I wish I would have done this earlier, but that’s not something to dwell on. As a friend of mine said, there’s basically nothing in life you can’t go and change so be happy.
Unfortunately there are no guarantees. I'm 57, came out to my wife last weekend - still waiting to see how that works out. I just know I couldn't continue in the sea of despair I was in.
I started transitioning just shy of 51. I had the same fears. I live in a red part of a blue state. Lost fiancé. Kept job and family. Lost a couple friends, but gained even more. I gained self respect, self worth, self love. The fears we make in our head are usually 10x worse. The important part is evaluating yourself, and situation. I always prepare for the worse and hope for the best. I feel that anything I lose from being true to myself doesn’t serve me and I’ll be happier without them.
I am scared too! I came out to my wife about a month ago, and I won't lie, it has been the hardest month of our marriage. There has been pain, and misery...and there has been joy and the inability to deny that I could keep this inside any longer. Once my egg cracked...there was never really any other option... Keep your chin up. In the midst of all the pain and potential loss, there will be undeniable euphoria as well. Like lots have said, the affirming moments will shock and surprise you in the best of ways and it takes surprisingly few to fuel me through the hard parts.
🩷🩷🙂
The political climate matters less in reality than everything else you’ve listed. I understand the concerns about your partner but why would you say you’d lose your career?
Because it happens. It happened to me. I’m still to this day working a job I loathe because I can’t find a hiring committee willing to hire my trans ass.
That’s very unfortunate- sorry to hear that
Most people are trans phobic by default unless they’ve been educated otherwise
I guess I’m lucky to live where I do in Atlantic Canada - it’s a rural town but everyone is nice to me.
I mean everyone’s nice to me too, but that doesn’t mean they’re not transphobic behind my back
Ahhh gotcha
The thing you noticed, the most is the neglect from basically everyone
I’m sorry to hear that is your experience- I hope it gets better.
I'm scared too! 49 here and the same problem ! A lot of love! But it is what is... please feel that, it will be alright... I believe in me and also in you... feel yourself♡
I’m in the same boat. It seems like a bomb I’ll never be able to drop because of the potential casualties around me. How much will I lose? Who will I have left if I follow through with this? It’s such a nightmare
I feel you. I'm scared to even start to come out, and I live in a fairly blue area and have no reason to believe I would lose my job or loved ones, but still. It's hard. Nobody who isn't trans would understand, but we do, and are here for you.
The reward of being the real you is worth what it costs. It was for me, anyway.
I live in a red state as well. I haven't exactly come out at work, but I am no longer hiding the changes either. Nothing has really changed at work, or at least nothing that I can see or hear. That's good enough for me. I have been stuck in that tweener stage where strangers will gender me either way. And, only one person has been openly rude by aggressively "sir"ing me loudly and publicly. I think the transition might actually be easier when you are older. I don't exactly understand why. My family was accepting, but that wasn't really a surprise. My son had come out as transgender before me. Overall this has been a very positive experience.
It doesn’t always work out in terms of external factors. I lost pretty much everything. But I’m myself now, and when I’m not spiraling due to extreme loneliness and hopelessness I try to remember that even if I’m not going to make it- I will be me at the end. I could have lived a convenient lie, I guess I chose hard mode instead. Wasn’t really a choice though TBH. But no it doesn’t always work out for everyone- and don’t believe people who tell you otherwise. That’s just not realistic. To have any chance though (IMO), you’re going to need to depart the “sea of red”.
I lost everything but myself. Coming out was the most painful year of my life and it was worth every second even when I was going through it even when I was homeless and knew people who I thought loved me could help with almost no effort to them. Nothing is worse than being someone you're not and nothing is better than being yourself. I'm really sorry for what you might experience. You don't deserve the world you were put in but it's worth being you.
What a fantastic thread. My wife was very supportive but we're now discussing our marriage and she, as I write, can't be married to a woman. We were a close couple, still with a lot of love between us, but my dysphoria, among other things, unrecognised, has been a huge strain in the last few years and we're short of relationship credit. I'm living apart from them (two teenagers too) at present. There has been some really sharp pain around all this and feelings of betrayal on both sides. It feels like, in my fifties, I have a whole new life to build, new skills to acquire, old socialising skills to dust off. I feel so much more ready to contribute, to be part of a community. It has been so good to read so many of you say: it's worth it to be yourself. After the battering of the last few weeks, I sometimes briefly wonder if it's worth it. But only briefly. I love who I'm becoming. In fact I'm who I've always been, girl and woman, but now feeling far less compromised. As they say here in Australia, "She'll be right". And maybe it was never more true.
I was scared, then decided I was more scared of not being me. I live in a RED state, do red state things, go to red state places without barely a second look. I've had more looks and stares in BLUE states and in blue places. I didn't come out at work, I just changed and it's gone smoothly. When asked I answered and no one seemed to have an issue. I work in a Federal job, so your milage may vary. How your wife will respond will depend on her, you, how your mirage is and lots of other things between the two of you. From my personal experiences and travels, it's blue states/places that I've gotten to be more worried about.
I'd say that milage will vary. I'm from a red state also, Missouri in the conservative Ozarks where I lost my job instantly over it and I worked in the logging industry. Needless to say where I'm from it could have been worse, a lot. That was over 2yrs ago and I wouldn't trade anything for my life now. I'm 56yo and have completely changed my life, I'm 7 weeks post opp bottom surgery thanks to the wonderful people at the Cleaveland clinic and just the people in Ohio period, which also happens to be a Red state but a totally different way. For me as far as wife's I got rid of the last cheating one in 2016 and then started my transition and devoted all that time to my transition and until I was complete, well now I'm complete and am getting ready to start dating again but this time there's been a wonderful small change. Hahaha I totally like men now only. 🫣 I new there was a small chance but this is more than small, there's no way I could ever be with a woman again, I can't stand there smell. So everyone really should be careful what they wish for. Especially if you are worried about losing a wife or girlfriend, you could end up like me and can't stomach a female any more. I was with around 80 women in my life and for over 30yr. It would suck if your sexual changed like the hormones caused mine too. But I never had male ranges of Testosterone either so when I started estrogen injection I had my first full puberty late in life. So I couldn't ever have my own children or anything as a man but it truly rewired my complete being now. It would have been horrible had I had a wife and everything changed like it has and she wanted to stay with me. I guess I'm saying don't fear the future, live for the now and don't hide from anyone or anything. Hug's Emily 🤗
I’m scared. Such an honest start. I feel that. Me too. If you live your truth, with passion and love, I’m not sure how that could be anything other than good for us. I wish you the best and be yourself 💕
Some and some, my experience is that I gained a lot more than I lost. My marriage did fail though and I lost people. It was a very hard few years however my alternative was to have no life at all, so I persevered. Now… I’m happy to be alive, then… I wasn’t and felt that I couldn’t go on. I had two years of therapy and I think it contributed at least to 50% of the success of my transition.
Ftm over 50 here. Started medical transition about 2yrs ago. Lost my family, husband is "absolutely straight" and as soon as the hair started coming in he started complaining. He wants to stay married but stay friends. The future for us is wide open. My industry is *kind of* cool; depending where I work it's either so masculine they're smashing cinder blocks on their heads it could be dangerous for me or they're cool, it all depends. But yeah, it's scary as hell, you can lose horrendously financially, BUT: I feel so much better. In the end you know what's best for you and what you can handle but if you can find trans friendly therapists you can get through it.
I’m 55. I’ve been out to my wife, youngest daughter, and a dear friend of ours for 6 years. All the ones I trusted most (but was still worried they might bail. They didn’t ). The rest of my family, well most of them are red state, small town, limited experience , you get the idea. I may or may not keep them when I tell them, and they don’t get to know until I’m heading to surgery. I don’t want to be treated differently for now. I don’t want to be treated differently afterwards really, and my concern is that those folks might. The ones that don’t just bail on me. But I can’t do *this* anymore. i’m going to be all of me and those people who don’t stay, are simply making space for those who I’ll meet. Life isn’t perfect, and the best we can be is honest. Be honest with yourself, be honest with the people you love. And as Ted Lasso said, it’s all going to work out. Maybe not in the way you think it is and maybe not in the way you wanted it to but it will all work out. Fun show, legendary advice
It can be scary. I've found that thinking through how I want to present things to people -- and it can vary person to person -- could change things or at least give yourself some inner peace.
While i dont know your particular situation your job is probably fairly safe these days, just make sure they don't have another reason to can you to point to. can't speak for the wife thing but i started at 40 (44 now) and while my results arent what the would've been had i started at 20 I'm pretty content with them and I'm glad i started the journey. best of luck whatever you decide to do.
It does work out, but probably not the way you hope, my friend. You'll end up being You, which is huge. But the spouse (who didn't marry a woman), the kids, the house, the job, the life you once had us all in play and I am so sorry about that. Very little will remain the same. 💗
Don’t be
It will work out. Living honestly is better than living falsely.
I'm not in a red area but I did lose my marriage when I came out am at a loss for what career I want to do (had a plan before but realized it's not really what I want to do anymore) despite the personal strife though I still am really happy I had the courage to come out and be my authentic self ask yourself this is it better to stay in a marriage and career if you have to keep pretending to be someone your not... I'm not saying it's not scary but also know plenty of people have come out and were able to transition while keeping their career and marriages in tack but you may never know if you don't say anything I'd say take it slow and come out at your pace even if that conversation takes years do it when your ready don't let anyone else pressure you just do what feels right