Wait until the girl is 18 and try again with the mother. If you get nowhere, you could contact the girl. But just keep in mind that you could be turning her world upside down with no idea how it will turn out.
The other thing, don't write off having children just because you're 34. I had my two children at 38 and 41. My wife is older than me. Things can change a lot in a year or two.
No he should not contact them. You don't just upend peoples lives just because you have a gut feeling. I see a lot of red flags with OP. Dude you are borderlines obsessive compulsive stalking a minor on social media.
Why? If I had a child out there and the mother decided to not tell me I would definitely want to know so I could be a part of their life. If he is serious he should consult a lawyer and request a paternity test via court. That way the adoption can be contested and he can be a father.
No one should have a right to alienate a bio parent unless they have a justification such as abuse.
Because for all we know, OP could be some maniac stalking these people with a story made up in his mind. By you telling him that he should pursue this endeavor, that is all the justification he needs to continue his crazy behavior. Call me a skeptic but I err on the side of caution when it comes to random internet strangers.
Note that I mentioned consulting a lawyer and requesting paternity test via COURT. It may also be a nice gesture if he had his lawyer contact the mother first to request a paternity test otherwise they would make the request to a judge.
Then don’t read posts such as this if that’s going to be your attitude. People come here to seek out a safe space and confess actual experiences.
Seriously, get off this thread if you think everybody on here is a psychopath aimed specifically at wasting your time. This isn’t about you or your feelings.
Stop. No one‘s life is going to be ruined. If he’s wrong, then no harm no foul to the girl whatsoever. And if he’s right… She deserves to know who her biological father is and that her mother was a liar for all of those years. No one should forgo knowing a parent because they’re scared of the what ifs
Lol wtf do you mean no harm foul whatsoever? You guys are hilarious.
"Hey babe, uh btw your daughter might not be yours -- ya.. ya.. exactly, the one you've been raising for all these years. Oh, sweetheart come in here real fast. So I had two dudes bang me unprotected around the same time and I'm really not sure who the father is. We're going to figure it no harm no foul."
I'm not saying he should or shouldn't insert himself but to trivialize it is ridiculous to me. This is a major deal.
Honestly Just to an ancestry or 23 and me test and one day she may do one too, and wait and see. You could reach out to the mother once, DO NOT PUSH, but otherwise let them come to you
This is what my husband & I have done now that we have been informed that he may have a son from an ex who ran off to Mexico and abandoned said child. She won’t help & our options are limited financially especially having to go international. The “father” said child was left with agrees he has his doubt that the child is his but won’t help so we have done the dna genetic databases in hopes that the child will do it looking for his deadbeat mother & see he’s matched with my husband. This has been an ongoing thing for a year now for us.
Are you 100% sure she is your kid? No. Do you know what her Dad looks like -honestly maybe Mom has a type. Maybe the Mom had a paternity test done all those years ago.
Don't go nuts trying to prove this and ruin this kid's life.
Still, if she IS his kid, it's pretty mean of the mother to block him from getting to know her all these years - fathers have rights, too, and it seems like he was interested in being present in her life, even if only remotely. He could have been the fun uncle, if they didn't want to tell her the truth at the outset. I get that he wants to find out.
OP, in your place, I'd wait until she's 18 and her SM is unlocked, then contact her. Until then, put it out of your mind and stop obsessing.
It is also crazy how genetics work and can skip generations. My sister has a birthmark identical to our grandma but our mother doesn't have a birthmark. My cousin is the spitting image of his great uncle, especially at his same age which we have photographs of. It's not as simple as a child not looking like either parents, so not being their biological child.
It's an easy thing to prove. Kid wouldn't even have to know. It's a simple DNA test.
Also the 1st bf isn't in the mother life anymore and the daughter got adopted by the new husband. Sounds like the 1st guy found out the kid wasn't his and left. The mom keeps avoiding OP, must be a reason.
If the kid isn't his, how would that ruin anybody's life?
If the kid is old enough for a social media account they will know why there are at a doctor for a DNA test. I have two teenagers they are smart kids and pick up on more than you realize.
If OP truly wants to be part of this kids life, help pay for school, and truly get to know them - then that's one thing. However the kid still may want nothing to do with him so he might have to accept that too. Go about it the right way and get lawyers advice. Also could it screw up the adoption?
100% the kid may want nothing to do with them, I didn't after learning about around circumstances of my sperm donor. I don't regret learning the truth.
Your time for this fight was many years ago that time has passed. If anything, your next window is when she turns 18, but don't expect that to go well either.
Daughter will have grown up knowing the boyfriend as her father. Whether that is true or not, that is what she believes.
She has also been adopted by the husband, and appears to be in a happy family.
You are going on 'gut feel' and because she 'appears to have your features'. And you are driving yourself into all kinds of anxiety and stress over it.
Who are you to take a young girl's life and throw it into all kinds of upheaval because you *think* she might be your child?
This sounds like a you problem.
Agreed here, dude mentions that the current husband of that lady has adopted the daughter. She has a dad. End of story. He should let them live their life and go and start his own.
honestly as someone that is also in this situation (except I'm the daughter) you are absolutely spot on. I refuse to talk to my 'potential father figure' but I'm tempted to finally respond to him just to send him this because honestly? Fuck him. so glad his desire for closure of some sort was worth my mental stability 🫠
Why the fck is he being blamed? If he's the real father, it's on the mother for lying. This man did not falsify a birth certificate with another man's name on there. She did that on her own. She's been DODGING him since the beginning because she knows the truth. The only person at fault here is the mother. She didn't want her one night stand out there and wrote down her ex bf as the baby daddy. Do you know it's illegal to put false information on birth certificates? Do you know what happens when it's proven that the person lied?
Also, if this kid needs a transplant, he should just fck off? He could be a match! There's so many what ifs if he is the real father. I can't believe people are siding with you on this when the mother is at fault for her lies. If he's the real father, he's been stripped YEARS of getting to know his child and being a father! He's not to blame if shit hits the fan from lies. Put the blame where it actually BELONGS. THE MOTHER.
He would have stated that he had the paternity test. He wouldn't be on here asking for advice on how to proceed. The OP would KNOW that he is not the biological father. The DNA test was never done, and she dodged him all these years. If she knew for a fact he wasn't the father, she could have offered the DNA test to give him peace of mind. Instead, she fled with all proof and kept him in the dark. She can't ignore a court ordered DNA test. He can request it through an attorney, and then she can get into a load of trouble for falsifying a birth certificate. You don't dodge someone when you're innocent. You give them the proof that's needed and send them on their merry way. Speculation here, she probably cheated on her "ex bf" and lied to OP that they were broken up. Then, realized OP could be the father, but slapped her "ex bf" on the certificate to avoid all suspicions and questions. Not the first time women have done that. Getting an attorney involved for DNA test will benefit the daughter in the long run (if he's the dad) and bring this man peace. If he's not the father, he gets to move on with life and never worry again. Imagine going years thinking you might have a kid and the mother refusing to give you the proof. As a parent, I'd go nuts not knowing. If he's the real father, that daughter needs his medical history side. It's so important to know your medical history on both biological parents' sides. I am siding with OP here for finding out. It's not right to be kept in the dark and potentially stripped of any fatherly rights.
I think the last commenter means the mom and boyfriend might have gotten a paternity test and proved that he was the father. OP wouldn't have been involved in that.
Yeah, but it seems like to get approved, they would have to verify her biological father and sever his parental rights? I've never adopted, so I don't really know.
Can you not manage basic logic? Lyraeyn was stating that they could have already had a paternity test with the *the ex BF* not OP. The DNA may have shown that the *ex BF* actually is the father.
Speculation. And she could have easily provided OP that information when he reached out to her again. But she didn't. That means the DNA test was not done.
Everything in this post is speculation. OP is making assumptions based on the woman having a baby a "year or so" later after a one night stand.
The most likely scenario is that the child is not OPs and the woman was either already dating the other dude or starting dating him shortly after they had sex.
OP seems a bit unhinged especially with essentially digitally stalking this woman and child over the years based on a one night stand and some fantasy he's cooked up in his mind.
You don’t know if she falsified a birth certificate. Maybe she is dodging him because she had a one night stand and this guy keeps trying to pop up in her life.
Yes, in my comment to him I suggested getting an attorney and a court ordered paternity test. This would be the actual steps he needs to take. Not stalking people on social media. He has done nothing since he found out she was pregnant. He doesn’t even know if there is a person named on the BC or if the child was adopted. He is assuming unless he has access to the legal documents, vital records aren’t normally free public knowledge.
Yes. This frustrates me at both sides. He should have done something back in the day because he is not exactly protected by law.
Something similar happened to a friend. No lying on birth certificates but when the child turn 16 the mother sue for back child support and won. Even though she denied him as the father to his face multiple times. There was no law to protect him. He lost the chance to be there for his child and had to pay 16 years back child support. Real messed up. Men should always follow through if they think the child might be theirs.
100% agree. I mean, we don't know the child's age here. She could be well under 16 for all we know.
He needs to get an attorney to get his answers. It sounds like he doesn't want to go after the adoption concept, but just to have answers. This would also benefit the daughter because if there's a medical emergency and they need a full history, he would be able to provide it. I really think OP just wants a peace of mind on the results and not destroy what the child currently has. But people are jumping straight to him wanting to flip her world upside down. But that's how I am reading his post.
Hm, your comment begs the question: What is a "real" father? The guy who banged the mother once upon a time and contributed nothing further? Or the guy who loves and raises the child?
If he's the father, he was denied being a father. The mother knowingly denied him access to his kid. Is that fair for this OP? He could have been robbed of fatherhood and for all we know... He would have made an excellent father, had he been given the opportunity. IF he's the real father.
I think we can argue that both are her real fathers in their respective ways. If we assume that OP is the biological dad then he has all the right to want a relationship with his daughter
In most situations, I absolutely agree with your question about a “real” father.
BUT, this one is different. OP wasn’t given the opportunity to make a choice. Mom denied him that. Based on what I’m reading, mom needs to put her big girl panties on and at the very least, have an open discussion with OP. Continuing to dodge doesn’t make an issue go away.
you are treating this child like a piece of property that the mother stole from him and its reaaaaaly fucking gross I won't lie. op stated they also did not stay in touch with the woman they slept with. so glad you don't seem to care at all how this will affect the child in question, only about how the mother is in the wrong. regardless of who is wrong or right, at THIS POINT all he will be doing is causing this child a lot of emotional trauma they will now have to be worked through. he wants to be dad so bad fine, but he better be willing to pay for that child's therapy when they inevitably need it because of the decisions he decided to make based off of only what would be best for him
If he's the real father, the trauma will not be his fault. It will be the fault of the mother for the lies. Stop shaming this man for wanting the truth once and for all. At the end of the day, he can lawyer up and request a court order DNA test. Judge can decide.
You clearly arent getting my point. She shouldn't HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE TRAUMA. and that's ALL he is going to bring her by doing this. As someone that's been in this situation as the potential child I absolutely WILL shame this man for not stepping up YEARS AGO to get a paternity test then. but NO. he didn't give enough of a shit then because *he was young* . guess what? **when you become a parent you have to step up and grow the fuck up whether you want to or not.**
The fact of the matter is he is acting solely on his own selfish desire and not even taking into account how it will effect her. Be honest here dude, do you even **care** how this would effect the kid?
He was **TOLD SHE WASN'T HIS**. And he believed the woman! Did you not read his post?! As I have stated: IF HE'S HER REAL FATHER, IT'S HER MOTHER THAT CAUSED THIS TRAUMA FROM LYIIIIIIING. LYING!! THE MOTHER LYING!!!! This is the consequence of sleeping with two men in less than a month, no protection, and then not wanting to clear the air on who the father is. It will be the mother's fault! Will it suck for the child? Absolutely! But she will have the truth! Truth is way more important than finding out when you're 40 years old! Children are sturdy and can heal. Stop undermining how a child can cope. This will not be up to you or anyone else on this post. It's his choice to seek legal action and his next steps. Not yours. Not mine. His and his alone. Deal with it.
You are talking about how this affected you. Not everyone is you. I would be liberated to find out the truth, not traumatized. Stop speaking from your own perspective. You have no idea how she would feel knowing the truth.
you're right. I AM talking about how it affected me, as someone that's actually lived the experience. As have many others that lived the experience and shared the same feelings. But have YOU lived the experience? if not, then who are you to try to tell someone that **has** not to speak from their lived perspective? I get what you're saying, I do, But I have just as much of a right to share how living through a similar experience very negatively affected me, and how maybe they should take those experiences of others that lived it into consideration before just dropping this in this girl's lap.
Therapy possibly finding out that she has a real, biological dad out there? Anybody would want to know that. And if it turns out that he’s not the father then there’s really no harm done. You don’t go to therapy because someone speculated about a connection that really did happen several years ago. Personally I’d go to therapy if I lived my entire life, not knowing the truth about my parents.
You’re taking your negative experience and imbedding it here and that’s not fair.
Yess!! So much this! Why is he the bad guy for wondering if a child is his?! It's on the mom period.
My brother was in a very similar situation. Except him and the girl stayed friends. They were on again off again booty calls I guess you would call it lol, for years. They hooked up. Within 2 weeks she got in a relationship and stayed in it. My brother and her remained friends. 2 months later she found out she was pregnant. Her and my brother both kind of wondered but didn't bring it up as to not ruin her relationship. They were young and stupid. But it bothered him so much not knowing.l, especially the older he got/ gets. Sadly she unexpectedly passed away when her child was only 4. He massively regrets not figuring it out when he could've. He won't now bc he's too embarrassed to say anything to her family who he's still in touch with. He sends $500 to the child every year at Xmas since it was born.
But she’s the *mom* and Reddit loves to protect moms even when they’re acting shitty. People on here deserve an award for the mental gymnastics they do in order to always find the dad responsible.
I agree that the only two innocent people are Op and the daughter… and most likely the step-dad too since he’s probably been fed a story.
Lying about the important things to kids is the shittiest thing a parent can do. My husband is a good example… his mom kept a lot of her life a secret. It wasn’t until after she died that he learned so much about her, her past and a lot of things that she had kept secret under the gauze of “protecting him…” but when it all came out, he was hurt and felt like he was too sheltered from important information.
Anyway, Op should wait until the girl is 18 and send a message. If she looks so much like him that he’s this invested, it’s worth it to find out the truth.
Flip side of the coin, I grew up fatherless because my mom swore up and down I was her abusive ex-boyfriends(whom i never met). Turns out she partied, had a one night stand; and I was actually that guys kid. I only found out thanks to 23andMe. My mom is also incredibly narcissistic and dismissive if something doesn't align with her version of reality. OP could be dealing with the same kind of individual.
Well he actually may be her father. They should just get dna test. There were ways to deal with this years ago without any upheaval when the child would have non the wiser. But the girl didn’t want to rock the boat in her own situation. But somehow OP is to blame. This is one 23 and me test away from being a disaster that may have been avoided.
For 16 years OP has been out of this kid's life. He knew his ex was pregnant, but didn't want to deal with it back then. OP now pops up 16 years later wanting to forcefully insert himself into a child's life. A child who may have a happy home. A child who actually may not be his. Right now he comes off stalkerish wanting to upend this child's world, not for the child, but for himself.
OP should take a DNA test on every platform. She may eventually take one. Barring that, wait until she is 21, out of her family home and at an age where some possibly creepy guy claiming he's her "real" father can be addressed by her in a more safe and mature way.
He's waited this long to truly bother. Nothing is on fire here, there is no emergency. Just his desire to completely upend a child's life to find out for his benefit, not hers, what may or may not be a "truth", that at this point may not matter much to anyone but him. That's selfish.
Part of being a good parent is not purposely fucking up your kid's life for your own belated satisfaction. He can wait a few years more.
As someone who has experienced this and still dealing with it. PLEASE LET IT GO !! It’s causes more harm than good, she already has a father figure. More likely than not it won’t go how you think it will. Sorry you should’ve fought for your daughter from the start if you really believed she was yours.
THIS THIS THIS! I also experienced this and yeah, he missed his chance. he had the opportunity to fight for her years ago when it wouldn't be the earth shattering realization it could be now, he just didn't care enough then to do it. that's not her fault, he needs to accept that and let her live her life.
Info: if it turned out that the kid was yours what would you do? Like let's say you have 100% confirmation that she is yours, what would you do with that knowledge? Would you try to reach out, try to insert yourself in the kids life?
Or would you just like to know for your own peace? Would you just be okay cool she is mine, peace out, and just go live your life without care about this kid you fathered?
Also all of this is going by the assumption that she would be your kid
But have you thought what if she is not? What would you be doing for those people's life? A complete stranger suddenly appearing on their doorstep demanding a dna test because they have a gut feeling, and stalking and harassing them 'till they cave and do the test all for it to come out negative
And let's say you convinced them to take a dna test and it comes out as negative, would you accept that, or would you believe the mother falsified the result and would just go down an spiral believing your gut feeling over the results? Would you be at peace? Or would you spiral because you spent so many years obsessing over this kid that isn't yours and did nothing with your life, didn't try to start a loving family and have kids of your own to love and cherish
Lissen dude, genetics are weird, and kids change while growing up, just yesterday I read about a woman that for four years convinced herself that her best friend's child was her husbands, because the kid looked just like her husband, and every stranger would comment thinking he was the kids dad, she became paranoid and demanded a paternity test, it came negative, the best friend cut all contact and the husband walked out, but she didn't accept that, she thinks the best friend paid the clinic to falsify the test, that she sabotaged the test somehow, she refused to believe the proof and was doubling down
Kids looks change man, I still remember when I had blond tips on my hair when I was 9-10 for some reason and then they vanished and never showed up again, and what you may been seeing as the kid looking like you can be projection, and if you asked someone else they wouldn't see any resemblance between you two
What you can do is look for therapy, and work this through with a professional, on why you think you can't have children, why you are so obsessed to the point of inducing a anxiety attack that this kid is yours, and live your life, and if you can't biologically have children maybe think about adopting, when you are in a better place mentally and emotionally, because realistically there's nothing you can do about it
And if and that's a big if, in the future the kid finds out that you are indeed her father and comes to you and ask why you never tried to reach out, you tell the truth, that you had a gut feeling, tried to talk with her mother, she said she didn't remember you and blocked you, that you couldn't prove either way, and didn't want to come off as a creep random guy showing up on their life demanding a answer and a test to proof this gut feeling he had
Also also, have you stopped to think that maybe the ex boyfriend already asked for a paternity test to confirm that the kid was his and it came positive? And hey maybe the mother truly doesn't remember you, you were a blimp in her life, insignificant to the point of forgetfulness, and she knows the ex is her kids dad because hey it's her body, she probably knows it best if there was a chance this random one night stand was her kids dad, because hey you may have cum inside but she may have had been on the pill
As many people already said, you had your chance years ago to do something about this gut feeling, but you decided that you weren too young to deal with it, so you made your choice and now have to deal with the consequences, and bring it up with a therapist
She has tried over and over again to cut you off/ignore you, but you won't stop. She clearly does not want to uproot her and her daughter's life over a person who was with her for a few hours, at best, in her life. You have no proof that her daughter is genetically related to you other than meagre guesswork.
Please stop harassing her. You are a stranger.
Eve IF there was a chance to be your daughter, this ship has long sailed. You would do no good to either the child or you if you interfere. Take the ancestry DNA test and if she ever wants to find out more, she'll be able to find you.
Ask yourself what is the purpose of knowing? Curiosity. That's all.
The child has a family. Believes bf is her father. You stepping into the picture would blow up the whole family and traumatize the child.
If you must, get one of those DNA tests. Put it online. And wait for her to grow up and get a test of her own.
Good luck.
I'm going to give you the best piece of advice I can here.
Drop it.
Maybe she is your daughter. Maybe she isn't. But you don't get to come in and upend another human being's life because suddenly you're feeling unfulfilled. She's been adopted by her stepdad. She has a father figure. You inserting yourself into this situation is selfish.
Take a DNA test. Ancestry/23 And Me. If she ever does the same it'll match you and then, in that context, it would be okay to approach her.
To be honest you need therapy. If you cared at all about this issue you would have cared at the time it happened. You are suffering from thinking you matter in this situation. You don’t. Why not take this energy and put it on yourself?
You understand that people change right, what we think about, the thoughts that go through our brains change. I don't think about family the same way I did when I was 20. We are not robots. Just because he didn't care then, does that mean he will never care again? If I don't value money as a teenager because I don't work for it myself, does that mean I will never ever value money in the future? No room for growth?
When you see an older person at university, do you say "but you didn't care about your education back then, why care now?"
I also have first hand experience with a similar situation. Except the possible dad was a good friend of mine. He’s passed since then. I told him the same thing-it’s really selfish to blow up an entire family based on a hunch.
yeah well when you become a parent you have to step up and grow the fuck up whether you want to or not. If he didn't care then, he wasn't fit to be a parent to begin with im sorry. you don't just get to pick and choose when you're ready to step up to being a parent, like that's just so absurdly backwards
So she looks like him, or shares similar physical traits, that's 1, but not enough I guess.
But the 1st husband who was supposed to be the father gave off his rights to his own daughter so the other guy could adopt her? I have seen multiple posts on reddit of cases where the dad gives away his rights, it's usually because they found out the kid wasn't theirs.
If he wants to go through the courts, he can, but he doesn’t have a right to bother this child without concrete proof. If he’s NOT the father consider the story from this angle:
- a one night stand from several years ago is stalking me and my child to an obsessive level for YEARS.
^^ This would scare the sh*t out of me.
100% even if the daughter doesn't want to build a relationship, they both have a right to know. Anyone saying any different, please ask yourself would you be okay with your mother hiding your biological father from you.
yes. 100%. this is coming from someone that actually had this happen in their life. this is not a hypothetical for me. I genuinely wish my 'potential father' never reached out to me. I say it like that because I refuse to get a paternity test for him, he can wonder for the rest of his life, and i dont believe he is my dad (sure i might be bias there but i dont care) He upturned my life for his own comfort and never bothered once to think how it'd affect me. I already have a dad, the man that actually raised me. I don't need him in my life, he's already done nothing but cause pain anyways
I mean.. he did? He’s reached out multiple times to try to make contact but obviously the mother didn’t want to find out either. It’s kinda hard to “be there from day one” when you don’t know if you even are the father.
That's what lawyers and paternity are for.
If you're too lazy to get a lawyer and fight for your kid, you don't deserve to be a parent.
In OP's case, he didn't care that much until he thought he wouldn't be having kids.
Where were you when she was pregnant or when this child was an infant? Why weren’t you pressing the issue then? You don’t just get to pop in and do this because YOU feel like you don’t have any chances at having any more children. You weren’t there when it mattered the most she has a father now so now you need to leave these people alone and continue your life like you were when you had better things to do than try to be a father.
Don't fuck up this girl's life just for your peace of mind. I know it sucks not knowing, but you just have to leave her alone unless she initiates something.
I'd get a DNA test, use one or as many as you want of the popular DNA testing sites, make your results public and shareable and hope that one day she does the same and let HER take the initiative in contacting you.
You need to let this go. They are a family that you are not a member of.
I am constantly amazed by men who think the only thing that matters with a child, in terms of fatherhood, is whose penis "did the deed" that created the child. That girl's father is the man who adopted and is raising her.
Tell us please, OP. If genetic tests were done and it turned out that the girl is not related to you, would you still be obsessed with inserting yourself into her life whether she and her family want you there or not?
Well I hope this helped relieve some of the pressure.
If you ever do decide to pursue anything or even just put yourself out there a good way to do it is to get An ancestry or 23andMe DNA test. You can publish the results and if the perspective daughter ever got a DNA test your results would turn up (or not) and if they did would be up to her to reach out or not.
Good luck with your therapy and I hope you feel a little bit better after having gotten it off your chest.
Do one of these "ancestry kits". If you do one of each service, it's actually very likely she will use one of these when she's an adult.
A lot of people do these kits, if your info is there already and she's really your daughter, the day she's doing one of these, you will get sent a notification about a new DNA link.
Besides that, looks can be deceiving. Just because she has similar features doesn't mean she is your child.
Put money in saviings just in case the kid figures it out. Do whatever public DNA tests are popular where you are. In the us it is Ancestry and 23andMe. In Asian countries they have other tests that are more popular. If the kid ever does a test out of curiosity they might find you that way.
Well 101 lesson about what it means to be a parent : your kid’s happiness comes before your own little egotistical satisfaction.
He is gonna completely upset the girl’s life on a whim ? Because of some existential crisis ?
I weirdly have some experience in this.
My mom was a narcissist who never told me who my Bio dad was. Turns out she had cheated on her then abusive ex with a one night stand and didn't want to admit that due to guilt. I was the child of the one night stand that I found out roughly a year ago thanks to 23andMe.
Both you and the child have a right to know paternity. I was robbed of a childhood of knowing my bio dad and half siblings due to my mom being unable to admit fault. Hire a lawyer to establish paternity, and everyone will have a definitive answer.
Wait until she is 18 before contacting her… The question I have is you are only 34 there is plenty of time for you to have other children… Personally I look like neither of my parents or my siblings but we are 100% related so keep that in mind.
My best friend’s child looks exactly like me. Not a bit like them. We laugh about it often. I am asked all the time about my “child” by people. We are both woman, I have never been pregnant. No way her child could be mine. Just because the child looks like you doesn’t mean she is yours. It’s also a little creepy, the whole stalking thing.
You could get a court order to establish paternity if you want. Also keep in mind if the child is yours depending on the laws you might be liable for back child support. Why not go talk to a lawyer and see about this? Why are you on Reddit and not actually doing anything but admitting you are cyber stalking some kid.
Also unless you have a medical issue you have plenty of time for a male to have a child. Basically you produce sperm your whole life. Are you sure you’re 35?
Actually sperm starts to degrade and cause serious health issues when "used" later on. Society likes to ignores this but both sexes have a biological time-frame in which reproduce healthily not just women.
When I was younger I had a girl claim she had my baby . She just randomly said it over 20 years ago. I haven't spoken to her in well over a decade and she is fine with it . I thought her kid looked kind of like me but I think it's because I wanted too. The child is now a full adult and never have I heard from her mom or the child . Sometimes it's just wishful thinking. I believe in your case you really wanted kids so you were really focused on it . Go have you a baby man . You'll forget about her .
I’m sorry but even if it turned out that she is in fact your child this will not resolve the festering loneliness you feel. It sounds like you’re in need of community support and without it you’re trying to devise a way to force it.
Bro, take the hint and let this go. If your right or wrong, the repercussions could be extreme.
If my ‘dad’ showed up and ask for paternity tests when I wasn’t a newborn (so from ages 3 and up), then he’s not my father. Biologically that person might be my father, but it’s not my dad.
If daughter has her own suspicions, you can do an ancestry DNA test on your own and make your results searchable to connect with family members. It may not fully assuage your anxiety over this, but it's a passive way of making you reachable if the other party ever wants to do research of their own.
I can’t believe there are so many comments or upvotes saying that it is « OP’s problem » or implying that OP is selfish.
If OP was lied to 10 years ago and did not have the chance to know his biological daughter, he is a VICTIM in this story. His feelings do matter, and he has the right to want to know the truth and reach out to his daughter if she was indeed his daughter. This is incredibly insensitive and unfair to tell him to « just ignore it because the kid already has a father ».
Also, if I were the kid: I would want to know who is my biological father, at least for health reasons.
But you have to consider the child who is arguably more important in this. Based on the above OP isn’t really considering what is best for her, and how this information may upend her life before she’s able to deal with it.
OP should get therapy and as others have suggested try again only when the child is above 18, if they need to know and need to contact this child.
Yea and the fact that she didn’t know who he was and blocked him! I’m sure she remembers, I’m sure she had a scare as to who the father of her child was if she was having sexual intercourse with the ex and also had a one night stand with him.
Info: do you have other kids? Feels like you’re trying to compensate for something.
Because while technically possible, the mother decided not to have you in _her_ children’s life. You just provided the genetic material, she was there do change every diaper and soothe every pain. The child has a good, happy life. Stay away. Plus with all the stalking you’re being borderline creepy.
Edit: now I see you don’t have more children. This feels more like an ego trip than anything else.
Maybe hire a lawyer to have a DNA test done? Your daughter will find out eventually, esp in this day and age. You don't want her to think you never cared and who knows what kind of lies her mother will tell her.
And then OP can tell her he did try, but her mother blocked his efforts. Because she did have a dad, he didn't take it to court etc because he didn't want to hurt her, and throw her life upside down.
Imagine a teenage girl, suddenly having to do DNA testing because some stranger wants to claim her as his kid. And then what? IF they share DNA, she's supposed to have her dad drive her to meet some guy she doesn't know, because he once had a one night stand with her mom?
I mean, I get having the right to know who you're biological parents are. But is it really in the best interest of the kid to know that now?
I would go for a DNA test that notifies you when you have a match.
When the girl is 18, he can send her a friendly, but clear and cordial message, to invite her to do the same, as he has a suspicion they could share DNA.
But that's about it, I think.
So, you would stalk her, and approach a minor against the parents' wishes? Just saying... he waited this long. If he had acted immediately, the girl would at least know of him. By now, he's a strange adult man approaching a (I assume, because she has social media) teenage girl.
He didn't wait. He respected her mother's blocking.
The only other options at this point is either stalking a minor (not wise), or going scorched earth through court. With again the result that a total random stranger is claiming her as his kid, from the perspective of the kid. That is if he has the legal right to demand a paternity test.
One last thing OP, and this is why you need the attorney... Providing false information on birth certificates is illegal. That's why she's been dodging you. If it comes down that you are the father, she can get into a lot of legal trouble, especially proceeding with an adoption without your consent. IF you are the real father. So stop listening to us strangers, and go get the attorney. If you are the real father... You're not destroying lives. The mother did that on her own with her lies. Good luck.
Be like that character in Frozen and *let it gooooooo.*
Nothing good will come from continually stalking that woman and her daughter. Go on with your life. And you're only 34, you have decades left to make a child if you want.
The fact that she's blocking you speaks volumes.
Go to a lawyer. Demand a DNA test. It is important for medical reasons for her to know who her biological father is. She needs to know your medical history even if she doesn't want you to be part of her life.
You're only mistake here was not doing this a long time ago.
Unless there's something abusive going on there is absolutely no reason why a woman should keep her child from their father.
I hope you do what a comment above recommends and you hire a lawyer to establish paternity.
- for all those saying not to do anything what the fuck is wrong with yall?
You should definitely find out if that’s your kid or not, what if your child ends up marrying a cousin or brother later in life? It’s happened to other people before …js.
Also how would you feel if she found out later in life and you did nothing about it and she comes looking for you? No one deserves to be lied to this way, and just because you want to be in her life doesn’t mean you’re there to destroy it or their family.
Have some empathy for the child. There is no security in what you say, just entitlement. Mr. Sperm donor is not entitled to flipping a child's world upside down. Let the child reach adulthood.
as someone that is in a similar situation, except I'm the potential child, honestly leave her alone. there's a huge chance all you are going to do if you make your presence known is turn her life upside down for **your** comfort and honestly? It's incredibly unfair. Speaking from experience here, my life has taken a downward turn ever since i found out. I already deal with Double depression and then one day a couple years back had this bomb dropped in my lap, I had been doing a bit better in recovery but personally it sent me into a spiral that if I'm being fully honest, I have yet to get out of. Just my 2 cents, but I'd you are reaching out because YOU don't want to have any regrets or feel some type of way, maybe consider how this will effect her instead. and if it's really worth it to turn a lot of what she knew as her life into a lie. It's a lot to deal with, and personally I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I genuinely wish my potential "father" never ever reached out to me (I say it like that because I refuse to get a paternity test for him.) It did nothing but cause me pain I still don't know how to deal with, and I'm not sure if I will ever truly be able to cope.
**If you do this, honestly you should be prepared to pay for her therapy. You at least owe her that much if you're going to turn her life on its head.**
**Edit to add** please go to therapy, a good therapist will be able to help you through this and navigate your feelings
That's utter bullocks. The person your mother told you was your father is not your biological father. How is this the father's fault?
You're not a god damned frail butterfly. Your situation isnt even remotely unique, you better odds of not being your father's child then winning the lottery.
Some men aren't fucking shit heels, and have a biological want to bond with the child they concieved if given the chance.
Dude didn't run away, she didn't fear for her safety. They're just two people doing people shit.
The fuck ...
tell me where I said the mother was blameless. my response comes from being in similar circumstance, and explaining how it didn't bring anything of value into my life with him trying to figure out if I was his daughter and push me into a paternity test. but what it DID DO was turn my world and everything I'd known on its head and has caused a lot of damage that I now need to work through. you know how that situation could have been avoided for me? if he had just stepped the fuck up and got a court order when I was a CHILD if he truly wanted to claim he was my father and be part of my life. Mom can't deny a court order, there was a time when that should and could have been done with less trauma to the child. Not years later when I'm a grown ass woman working through my own shit and having him drop that in my lap as well. I genuinely don't care if it made him feel any better reaching out to me, i wish he had just left me the fuck alone.
So sure, you're entitled to your own opinion. But until you've been in the position (or anyone, not just you specifically) your stance holds little value to the lived experience. if you DID also live this experience I'd love to hear how it went differently for you and how you were able to cope over DM if you'd be interested. I'm not saying that trying to be an asshole, but as someone genuinely curious how others have coped with the situation because it fucking sucks.
I get the curiosity, but you can't do this to the girl.
She has no idea, thought she knew her father and now has a new one that seems to help with the happy family.
Why break that life for her, just because you "have a feeling".
Get over it.
IF EVER the girl were to contact You, you can tell her your "gut feeling".
I 100% believe that women do this coocoo-thing of "deciding the father later" way too often (one is one too much here) and they are cowards for it.
Since you realize you were too young and inexperienced when it happened, and therefore you didn't do anything about it.. so now you have to live with the consequences as well. You CHOSE to do nothing years ago, so you bound your own hands now as well.
Now all you can do is wait If/When the girl ever finds out and maybe reaches out to you.. tough position to be in.
Maybe get a therapist (NLP coach is always my tip, they are allowed to be more direct, instead of asking You for answers).
I agree with those saying the window for this has most likely closed unfortunately. If you want kids, maybe try and settle down with someone new instead.
You may not want to open that can of worms - seeing as how child support would be your obligation if the child turned out to be yours. Have you taken a DNA test for [Ancestry.com](http://Ancestry.com) or one of those companies? If so, at least there would be a record if the child reached 18 and wanted to find lost relatives by doing a DNA test, and then you may pop up as a match.
Dude consider yourself lucky and move on. Raising an Illegitimate kid with a woman you barely know isn’t fun.. Move on and be happy you dodged a bullet.
The bigger question is, if you do pursue the truth and she is your daughter, are you willing to be a father? Because it's gonna hurt if you pursue this just for confirmation but don't commit to being in her life as a father.
If you are willing to be a father, depending on the country I do think you could pursue matter legally - but the caviat is that this may affect the family dynamics or child's life.
If you are willing to wait until she's an adult that's fine too. You may have to explain and maybe keep record if you have it that you tried but mom did not want to cooperate. No diss to mom I think she is trying to sustain a normalcy and family unit for the child's well-being..
Do NOT reach out to this child, the best/only option you should take is a 23andme dna test and hope that when the child gets older they do the same, get a match and reach out to you. Reaching out to the child in any way could ruin many lives because you are curious.
You're 34. Why aren't you likely to have children of your own? I know people who fathered children in their 40s, even some in their 60s. This child is still a minor. Leave her alone until she's at least reached adulthood. She doesn't need any emotional upheaval.
If you have no intentions of actually doing anything for this girl, then why bother? **Just cause YOU want to know?** You had years to do that dude - the minute you had a suspicion is when you should have said something, and more likely than not, given the ONS' reaction, she might be yours - but that doesn't mean you get to suddenly swoop in now that all the hard shit is over - because let's face it, if you actually gave two shits about this child, you would have persued it as soon as you found out the timelines matched and gone to court for paternity - but more likely than not you didn't because you didn't want to deal with the consquences of your "little trist", including paying child support and being a present father figure. You got off scott-free.
**That said, this girl has grown up with another man being her father - genetic or not - and you coming in to stir the pot is only going to hurt her - and you'd be doing it only out of curiousity? That seems incredibly selfish.** It sounds like you decided to live a bachelor life, and are coming up on a mid-life crisis and are trying to make up for your negligent ways.
I don't think that's fair to anyone in this situation, especially the girl**. Once again, you had years to get ahead of this and establish paternity and you didn't. That's your fault - and one of the consquences is you won't be able to establish any relationship with this girl** - because more likely than not, she alread knows she's not related to the man who's raised her but won't be replacing him since HE was there and you were not. You're nothing but a sperm-donor at this point if she is biolgically yours.
Also, you're only 34. You have plenty of time to have your own children. You're likely established in your career, not too old, and will be better equipped to handle having your own kids - **unless what you're really saying is you don't want to actually raise YOUR children? I mean, that does check out given your inactiveness with this child.**
Want an indirect way to figure this out without stirring the pot directly? Do something like **23&Me** and see if you get a hit. She may get on and see it, and if she conects with you **the only thing I would offer is a bioligical health report so she knows what to expect as far as genetic history and such.**
Otherwise it's a dead end and you should stop stalking this girl. Stop being a creep, and move on.
There's a harsh truth here that you're missing.
If you weren't present during her upbringing, you're not her father. You don't know her hobbies, what foods she likes, what her greatest fears are. You didn't impart your values on her, you didn't teach her to read or to write a bike.
A biological connection, *assuming* one exists, isn't enough to justify this imagined connection. Let it go.
Not going to be a popular opinion. If you think that child is yours, you have every right to find out if it is and if that means disrupting others so be it. You have been disrupted and I truly feel like you know your own, who is anyone to keep you from getting to the bottom of it. Also, I would look into googling your options to try and do it a smoothly and legally as you can. The more time passes the more time you miss out. Personally I'm very against anyone who suggest that you as a potential parent don't have right because you do. This girl you see, is my brothers story and because of the way my mom handled it when he did found out (and they will always find out) it completely crushed him to a point of no return.
35(f) found out a couple years ago my dad who I grew up with believing was my biological father was not. Of course each individual would take the new different but personally I wish I had either known when I was younger or never found out.
Everyone here who says he should just drop it.
Take a step from your emotional / sociological standpoints and don't leave out the factor, that everyone should know who their biological parents are for health concerns alone.
If she is your daughter then she has the right to know. She apparently was not the first husband's child since he signed off rights to her or he wasnt listed on the birth cert in the first place. Since she is a minor, you should talk to a lawyer to see if you can get a dna test. You probably will have to wait until she is 18 and then contact her directly.
What would your child gain from finding out her father isn't biologically hers? How would it enrich her life? If you can't find any way to do so without causing more harm, it's inherently selfish.
Look into what you can legally do to find out if that’s your child. She’s deliberately ignoring you from the sounds of this. She says she’s adamant, but you haven’t even been given a chance to know for sure. I’m not sure if you can do anything legally, but it never hurts to look into it if you have the details & facts
Wait until the girl is 18 and try again with the mother. If you get nowhere, you could contact the girl. But just keep in mind that you could be turning her world upside down with no idea how it will turn out. The other thing, don't write off having children just because you're 34. I had my two children at 38 and 41. My wife is older than me. Things can change a lot in a year or two.
While we have an adopted 21 year old, we also have an 18 months toddler. I am 44 \^\^
Yeah my mom was 39/41 when she had me/my brother.
No he should not contact them. You don't just upend peoples lives just because you have a gut feeling. I see a lot of red flags with OP. Dude you are borderlines obsessive compulsive stalking a minor on social media.
Why? If I had a child out there and the mother decided to not tell me I would definitely want to know so I could be a part of their life. If he is serious he should consult a lawyer and request a paternity test via court. That way the adoption can be contested and he can be a father. No one should have a right to alienate a bio parent unless they have a justification such as abuse.
Because for all we know, OP could be some maniac stalking these people with a story made up in his mind. By you telling him that he should pursue this endeavor, that is all the justification he needs to continue his crazy behavior. Call me a skeptic but I err on the side of caution when it comes to random internet strangers.
Note that I mentioned consulting a lawyer and requesting paternity test via COURT. It may also be a nice gesture if he had his lawyer contact the mother first to request a paternity test otherwise they would make the request to a judge.
Then don’t read posts such as this if that’s going to be your attitude. People come here to seek out a safe space and confess actual experiences. Seriously, get off this thread if you think everybody on here is a psychopath aimed specifically at wasting your time. This isn’t about you or your feelings.
Stop. No one‘s life is going to be ruined. If he’s wrong, then no harm no foul to the girl whatsoever. And if he’s right… She deserves to know who her biological father is and that her mother was a liar for all of those years. No one should forgo knowing a parent because they’re scared of the what ifs
Lol wtf do you mean no harm foul whatsoever? You guys are hilarious. "Hey babe, uh btw your daughter might not be yours -- ya.. ya.. exactly, the one you've been raising for all these years. Oh, sweetheart come in here real fast. So I had two dudes bang me unprotected around the same time and I'm really not sure who the father is. We're going to figure it no harm no foul." I'm not saying he should or shouldn't insert himself but to trivialize it is ridiculous to me. This is a major deal.
Real, my mom was 43 and my dad was 46 when they had me!
Honestly Just to an ancestry or 23 and me test and one day she may do one too, and wait and see. You could reach out to the mother once, DO NOT PUSH, but otherwise let them come to you
This is what my husband & I have done now that we have been informed that he may have a son from an ex who ran off to Mexico and abandoned said child. She won’t help & our options are limited financially especially having to go international. The “father” said child was left with agrees he has his doubt that the child is his but won’t help so we have done the dna genetic databases in hopes that the child will do it looking for his deadbeat mother & see he’s matched with my husband. This has been an ongoing thing for a year now for us.
Came here to say just this.
I really like this advice!
Are you 100% sure she is your kid? No. Do you know what her Dad looks like -honestly maybe Mom has a type. Maybe the Mom had a paternity test done all those years ago. Don't go nuts trying to prove this and ruin this kid's life.
exactly! you might just look like all the other guys she likes and youre projecting this weird fantasy about her daughter onto you.
Still, if she IS his kid, it's pretty mean of the mother to block him from getting to know her all these years - fathers have rights, too, and it seems like he was interested in being present in her life, even if only remotely. He could have been the fun uncle, if they didn't want to tell her the truth at the outset. I get that he wants to find out. OP, in your place, I'd wait until she's 18 and her SM is unlocked, then contact her. Until then, put it out of your mind and stop obsessing.
It is also crazy how genetics work and can skip generations. My sister has a birthmark identical to our grandma but our mother doesn't have a birthmark. My cousin is the spitting image of his great uncle, especially at his same age which we have photographs of. It's not as simple as a child not looking like either parents, so not being their biological child.
It's an easy thing to prove. Kid wouldn't even have to know. It's a simple DNA test. Also the 1st bf isn't in the mother life anymore and the daughter got adopted by the new husband. Sounds like the 1st guy found out the kid wasn't his and left. The mom keeps avoiding OP, must be a reason. If the kid isn't his, how would that ruin anybody's life?
If the kid is old enough for a social media account they will know why there are at a doctor for a DNA test. I have two teenagers they are smart kids and pick up on more than you realize. If OP truly wants to be part of this kids life, help pay for school, and truly get to know them - then that's one thing. However the kid still may want nothing to do with him so he might have to accept that too. Go about it the right way and get lawyers advice. Also could it screw up the adoption?
100% the kid may want nothing to do with them, I didn't after learning about around circumstances of my sperm donor. I don't regret learning the truth.
lol you don’t have to go to the doctor for a DNA test, you literally just send in some hair. Mom can get it from her brush.
I don't really understand why you have all these down votes 🤔 seems like as good a possibility as most others🤷
I thought the same thing lol I liked the comment personally but wondered why all the down votes?!
Your time for this fight was many years ago that time has passed. If anything, your next window is when she turns 18, but don't expect that to go well either.
Yeah. I don't think he can even legally petition the court because it has been so long.
No, no. If he fought when she was younger, he'd have to pay child support.
Daughter will have grown up knowing the boyfriend as her father. Whether that is true or not, that is what she believes. She has also been adopted by the husband, and appears to be in a happy family. You are going on 'gut feel' and because she 'appears to have your features'. And you are driving yourself into all kinds of anxiety and stress over it. Who are you to take a young girl's life and throw it into all kinds of upheaval because you *think* she might be your child? This sounds like a you problem.
Agreed here, dude mentions that the current husband of that lady has adopted the daughter. She has a dad. End of story. He should let them live their life and go and start his own.
No it's okay to destroy their lives because OP is getting too old to have kids /s
honestly as someone that is also in this situation (except I'm the daughter) you are absolutely spot on. I refuse to talk to my 'potential father figure' but I'm tempted to finally respond to him just to send him this because honestly? Fuck him. so glad his desire for closure of some sort was worth my mental stability 🫠
Why the fck is he being blamed? If he's the real father, it's on the mother for lying. This man did not falsify a birth certificate with another man's name on there. She did that on her own. She's been DODGING him since the beginning because she knows the truth. The only person at fault here is the mother. She didn't want her one night stand out there and wrote down her ex bf as the baby daddy. Do you know it's illegal to put false information on birth certificates? Do you know what happens when it's proven that the person lied? Also, if this kid needs a transplant, he should just fck off? He could be a match! There's so many what ifs if he is the real father. I can't believe people are siding with you on this when the mother is at fault for her lies. If he's the real father, he's been stripped YEARS of getting to know his child and being a father! He's not to blame if shit hits the fan from lies. Put the blame where it actually BELONGS. THE MOTHER.
Thing is, for all we know, they got a paternity test already. Without discussing it with the mother, we can't possibly know.
He would have stated that he had the paternity test. He wouldn't be on here asking for advice on how to proceed. The OP would KNOW that he is not the biological father. The DNA test was never done, and she dodged him all these years. If she knew for a fact he wasn't the father, she could have offered the DNA test to give him peace of mind. Instead, she fled with all proof and kept him in the dark. She can't ignore a court ordered DNA test. He can request it through an attorney, and then she can get into a load of trouble for falsifying a birth certificate. You don't dodge someone when you're innocent. You give them the proof that's needed and send them on their merry way. Speculation here, she probably cheated on her "ex bf" and lied to OP that they were broken up. Then, realized OP could be the father, but slapped her "ex bf" on the certificate to avoid all suspicions and questions. Not the first time women have done that. Getting an attorney involved for DNA test will benefit the daughter in the long run (if he's the dad) and bring this man peace. If he's not the father, he gets to move on with life and never worry again. Imagine going years thinking you might have a kid and the mother refusing to give you the proof. As a parent, I'd go nuts not knowing. If he's the real father, that daughter needs his medical history side. It's so important to know your medical history on both biological parents' sides. I am siding with OP here for finding out. It's not right to be kept in the dark and potentially stripped of any fatherly rights.
I think the last commenter means the mom and boyfriend might have gotten a paternity test and proved that he was the father. OP wouldn't have been involved in that.
They probably had to before the new guy could adopt her. At least, they should have.
The new guy probably didn't "adopt" her - He was probably just on the birth certificate as the father.
Except he showed up later.
Oh you mean the newest guy. Too many to keep track of lol. That guy knows he isn't the bio father.
Yeah, but it seems like to get approved, they would have to verify her biological father and sever his parental rights? I've never adopted, so I don't really know.
Can you not manage basic logic? Lyraeyn was stating that they could have already had a paternity test with the *the ex BF* not OP. The DNA may have shown that the *ex BF* actually is the father.
Speculation. And she could have easily provided OP that information when he reached out to her again. But she didn't. That means the DNA test was not done.
Everything in this post is speculation. OP is making assumptions based on the woman having a baby a "year or so" later after a one night stand. The most likely scenario is that the child is not OPs and the woman was either already dating the other dude or starting dating him shortly after they had sex. OP seems a bit unhinged especially with essentially digitally stalking this woman and child over the years based on a one night stand and some fantasy he's cooked up in his mind.
You don’t know if she falsified a birth certificate. Maybe she is dodging him because she had a one night stand and this guy keeps trying to pop up in her life.
Or maybe he's the actual father, and she's been lying her booty off. Him getting an attorney will resolve his dilemma.
Yes, in my comment to him I suggested getting an attorney and a court ordered paternity test. This would be the actual steps he needs to take. Not stalking people on social media. He has done nothing since he found out she was pregnant. He doesn’t even know if there is a person named on the BC or if the child was adopted. He is assuming unless he has access to the legal documents, vital records aren’t normally free public knowledge.
We are both I agreement. He needs an attorney to decide his next course of action.
Yes. This frustrates me at both sides. He should have done something back in the day because he is not exactly protected by law. Something similar happened to a friend. No lying on birth certificates but when the child turn 16 the mother sue for back child support and won. Even though she denied him as the father to his face multiple times. There was no law to protect him. He lost the chance to be there for his child and had to pay 16 years back child support. Real messed up. Men should always follow through if they think the child might be theirs.
100% agree. I mean, we don't know the child's age here. She could be well under 16 for all we know. He needs to get an attorney to get his answers. It sounds like he doesn't want to go after the adoption concept, but just to have answers. This would also benefit the daughter because if there's a medical emergency and they need a full history, he would be able to provide it. I really think OP just wants a peace of mind on the results and not destroy what the child currently has. But people are jumping straight to him wanting to flip her world upside down. But that's how I am reading his post.
Totally agree. Lawyer is totally needed.
He has a terrible sperm count, so it seems unlikely.
Hm, your comment begs the question: What is a "real" father? The guy who banged the mother once upon a time and contributed nothing further? Or the guy who loves and raises the child?
If he's the father, he was denied being a father. The mother knowingly denied him access to his kid. Is that fair for this OP? He could have been robbed of fatherhood and for all we know... He would have made an excellent father, had he been given the opportunity. IF he's the real father.
Coulda, shoulda, wasagonna … didn’t.
I think we can argue that both are her real fathers in their respective ways. If we assume that OP is the biological dad then he has all the right to want a relationship with his daughter
In most situations, I absolutely agree with your question about a “real” father. BUT, this one is different. OP wasn’t given the opportunity to make a choice. Mom denied him that. Based on what I’m reading, mom needs to put her big girl panties on and at the very least, have an open discussion with OP. Continuing to dodge doesn’t make an issue go away.
you are treating this child like a piece of property that the mother stole from him and its reaaaaaly fucking gross I won't lie. op stated they also did not stay in touch with the woman they slept with. so glad you don't seem to care at all how this will affect the child in question, only about how the mother is in the wrong. regardless of who is wrong or right, at THIS POINT all he will be doing is causing this child a lot of emotional trauma they will now have to be worked through. he wants to be dad so bad fine, but he better be willing to pay for that child's therapy when they inevitably need it because of the decisions he decided to make based off of only what would be best for him
If he's the real father, the trauma will not be his fault. It will be the fault of the mother for the lies. Stop shaming this man for wanting the truth once and for all. At the end of the day, he can lawyer up and request a court order DNA test. Judge can decide.
You clearly arent getting my point. She shouldn't HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE TRAUMA. and that's ALL he is going to bring her by doing this. As someone that's been in this situation as the potential child I absolutely WILL shame this man for not stepping up YEARS AGO to get a paternity test then. but NO. he didn't give enough of a shit then because *he was young* . guess what? **when you become a parent you have to step up and grow the fuck up whether you want to or not.** The fact of the matter is he is acting solely on his own selfish desire and not even taking into account how it will effect her. Be honest here dude, do you even **care** how this would effect the kid?
He was **TOLD SHE WASN'T HIS**. And he believed the woman! Did you not read his post?! As I have stated: IF HE'S HER REAL FATHER, IT'S HER MOTHER THAT CAUSED THIS TRAUMA FROM LYIIIIIIING. LYING!! THE MOTHER LYING!!!! This is the consequence of sleeping with two men in less than a month, no protection, and then not wanting to clear the air on who the father is. It will be the mother's fault! Will it suck for the child? Absolutely! But she will have the truth! Truth is way more important than finding out when you're 40 years old! Children are sturdy and can heal. Stop undermining how a child can cope. This will not be up to you or anyone else on this post. It's his choice to seek legal action and his next steps. Not yours. Not mine. His and his alone. Deal with it.
so you give exactly zero fucks about how this actually ends up affecting the child, got it.
You are talking about how this affected you. Not everyone is you. I would be liberated to find out the truth, not traumatized. Stop speaking from your own perspective. You have no idea how she would feel knowing the truth.
you're right. I AM talking about how it affected me, as someone that's actually lived the experience. As have many others that lived the experience and shared the same feelings. But have YOU lived the experience? if not, then who are you to try to tell someone that **has** not to speak from their lived perspective? I get what you're saying, I do, But I have just as much of a right to share how living through a similar experience very negatively affected me, and how maybe they should take those experiences of others that lived it into consideration before just dropping this in this girl's lap.
Therapy possibly finding out that she has a real, biological dad out there? Anybody would want to know that. And if it turns out that he’s not the father then there’s really no harm done. You don’t go to therapy because someone speculated about a connection that really did happen several years ago. Personally I’d go to therapy if I lived my entire life, not knowing the truth about my parents. You’re taking your negative experience and imbedding it here and that’s not fair.
Yess!! So much this! Why is he the bad guy for wondering if a child is his?! It's on the mom period. My brother was in a very similar situation. Except him and the girl stayed friends. They were on again off again booty calls I guess you would call it lol, for years. They hooked up. Within 2 weeks she got in a relationship and stayed in it. My brother and her remained friends. 2 months later she found out she was pregnant. Her and my brother both kind of wondered but didn't bring it up as to not ruin her relationship. They were young and stupid. But it bothered him so much not knowing.l, especially the older he got/ gets. Sadly she unexpectedly passed away when her child was only 4. He massively regrets not figuring it out when he could've. He won't now bc he's too embarrassed to say anything to her family who he's still in touch with. He sends $500 to the child every year at Xmas since it was born.
But she’s the *mom* and Reddit loves to protect moms even when they’re acting shitty. People on here deserve an award for the mental gymnastics they do in order to always find the dad responsible. I agree that the only two innocent people are Op and the daughter… and most likely the step-dad too since he’s probably been fed a story. Lying about the important things to kids is the shittiest thing a parent can do. My husband is a good example… his mom kept a lot of her life a secret. It wasn’t until after she died that he learned so much about her, her past and a lot of things that she had kept secret under the gauze of “protecting him…” but when it all came out, he was hurt and felt like he was too sheltered from important information. Anyway, Op should wait until the girl is 18 and send a message. If she looks so much like him that he’s this invested, it’s worth it to find out the truth.
If there's any upheaval, it would be the fault of the mother for lying and keeping OP away from his daughter.
That’s assuming the mother *is* lying, what is she isn’t and this is some one-night-stand turned obsessive stalker focusing on her child?
Flip side of the coin, I grew up fatherless because my mom swore up and down I was her abusive ex-boyfriends(whom i never met). Turns out she partied, had a one night stand; and I was actually that guys kid. I only found out thanks to 23andMe. My mom is also incredibly narcissistic and dismissive if something doesn't align with her version of reality. OP could be dealing with the same kind of individual.
I’m so sorry your mother has put you through all this. You deserve better.
Dude nutted in her without a condom and then ghosted. I don't feel bad for him.
Sounds like they mutually ghosted each other.
Well he actually may be her father. They should just get dna test. There were ways to deal with this years ago without any upheaval when the child would have non the wiser. But the girl didn’t want to rock the boat in her own situation. But somehow OP is to blame. This is one 23 and me test away from being a disaster that may have been avoided.
You can sue for paternity and get a court-ordered paternity test, but I'm pretty sure you would owe years of back child support.
For 16 years OP has been out of this kid's life. He knew his ex was pregnant, but didn't want to deal with it back then. OP now pops up 16 years later wanting to forcefully insert himself into a child's life. A child who may have a happy home. A child who actually may not be his. Right now he comes off stalkerish wanting to upend this child's world, not for the child, but for himself. OP should take a DNA test on every platform. She may eventually take one. Barring that, wait until she is 21, out of her family home and at an age where some possibly creepy guy claiming he's her "real" father can be addressed by her in a more safe and mature way. He's waited this long to truly bother. Nothing is on fire here, there is no emergency. Just his desire to completely upend a child's life to find out for his benefit, not hers, what may or may not be a "truth", that at this point may not matter much to anyone but him. That's selfish. Part of being a good parent is not purposely fucking up your kid's life for your own belated satisfaction. He can wait a few years more.
And coincidentally avoiding the majority of the child support he would have had to pay.....
ding ding ding
As someone who has experienced this and still dealing with it. PLEASE LET IT GO !! It’s causes more harm than good, she already has a father figure. More likely than not it won’t go how you think it will. Sorry you should’ve fought for your daughter from the start if you really believed she was yours.
THIS THIS THIS! I also experienced this and yeah, he missed his chance. he had the opportunity to fight for her years ago when it wouldn't be the earth shattering realization it could be now, he just didn't care enough then to do it. that's not her fault, he needs to accept that and let her live her life.
Man. I'm trying to read that but it's tough without paragraphs
Info: if it turned out that the kid was yours what would you do? Like let's say you have 100% confirmation that she is yours, what would you do with that knowledge? Would you try to reach out, try to insert yourself in the kids life? Or would you just like to know for your own peace? Would you just be okay cool she is mine, peace out, and just go live your life without care about this kid you fathered? Also all of this is going by the assumption that she would be your kid But have you thought what if she is not? What would you be doing for those people's life? A complete stranger suddenly appearing on their doorstep demanding a dna test because they have a gut feeling, and stalking and harassing them 'till they cave and do the test all for it to come out negative And let's say you convinced them to take a dna test and it comes out as negative, would you accept that, or would you believe the mother falsified the result and would just go down an spiral believing your gut feeling over the results? Would you be at peace? Or would you spiral because you spent so many years obsessing over this kid that isn't yours and did nothing with your life, didn't try to start a loving family and have kids of your own to love and cherish Lissen dude, genetics are weird, and kids change while growing up, just yesterday I read about a woman that for four years convinced herself that her best friend's child was her husbands, because the kid looked just like her husband, and every stranger would comment thinking he was the kids dad, she became paranoid and demanded a paternity test, it came negative, the best friend cut all contact and the husband walked out, but she didn't accept that, she thinks the best friend paid the clinic to falsify the test, that she sabotaged the test somehow, she refused to believe the proof and was doubling down Kids looks change man, I still remember when I had blond tips on my hair when I was 9-10 for some reason and then they vanished and never showed up again, and what you may been seeing as the kid looking like you can be projection, and if you asked someone else they wouldn't see any resemblance between you two What you can do is look for therapy, and work this through with a professional, on why you think you can't have children, why you are so obsessed to the point of inducing a anxiety attack that this kid is yours, and live your life, and if you can't biologically have children maybe think about adopting, when you are in a better place mentally and emotionally, because realistically there's nothing you can do about it And if and that's a big if, in the future the kid finds out that you are indeed her father and comes to you and ask why you never tried to reach out, you tell the truth, that you had a gut feeling, tried to talk with her mother, she said she didn't remember you and blocked you, that you couldn't prove either way, and didn't want to come off as a creep random guy showing up on their life demanding a answer and a test to proof this gut feeling he had Also also, have you stopped to think that maybe the ex boyfriend already asked for a paternity test to confirm that the kid was his and it came positive? And hey maybe the mother truly doesn't remember you, you were a blimp in her life, insignificant to the point of forgetfulness, and she knows the ex is her kids dad because hey it's her body, she probably knows it best if there was a chance this random one night stand was her kids dad, because hey you may have cum inside but she may have had been on the pill As many people already said, you had your chance years ago to do something about this gut feeling, but you decided that you weren too young to deal with it, so you made your choice and now have to deal with the consequences, and bring it up with a therapist
This is a kind and sympathetic answer.
She has tried over and over again to cut you off/ignore you, but you won't stop. She clearly does not want to uproot her and her daughter's life over a person who was with her for a few hours, at best, in her life. You have no proof that her daughter is genetically related to you other than meagre guesswork. Please stop harassing her. You are a stranger.
Eve IF there was a chance to be your daughter, this ship has long sailed. You would do no good to either the child or you if you interfere. Take the ancestry DNA test and if she ever wants to find out more, she'll be able to find you.
Ask yourself what is the purpose of knowing? Curiosity. That's all. The child has a family. Believes bf is her father. You stepping into the picture would blow up the whole family and traumatize the child. If you must, get one of those DNA tests. Put it online. And wait for her to grow up and get a test of her own. Good luck.
I'm going to give you the best piece of advice I can here. Drop it. Maybe she is your daughter. Maybe she isn't. But you don't get to come in and upend another human being's life because suddenly you're feeling unfulfilled. She's been adopted by her stepdad. She has a father figure. You inserting yourself into this situation is selfish. Take a DNA test. Ancestry/23 And Me. If she ever does the same it'll match you and then, in that context, it would be okay to approach her.
To be honest you need therapy. If you cared at all about this issue you would have cared at the time it happened. You are suffering from thinking you matter in this situation. You don’t. Why not take this energy and put it on yourself?
Upvoted for "you don't matter."
You understand that people change right, what we think about, the thoughts that go through our brains change. I don't think about family the same way I did when I was 20. We are not robots. Just because he didn't care then, does that mean he will never care again? If I don't value money as a teenager because I don't work for it myself, does that mean I will never ever value money in the future? No room for growth? When you see an older person at university, do you say "but you didn't care about your education back then, why care now?"
Some people think they are more important than they really are. Even if his feelings change.
I also have first hand experience with a similar situation. Except the possible dad was a good friend of mine. He’s passed since then. I told him the same thing-it’s really selfish to blow up an entire family based on a hunch.
Yes... same here. Just leave it alone.
yeah well when you become a parent you have to step up and grow the fuck up whether you want to or not. If he didn't care then, he wasn't fit to be a parent to begin with im sorry. you don't just get to pick and choose when you're ready to step up to being a parent, like that's just so absurdly backwards
LEAVE THEM ALONE
Bullcrap. A father has the right to know his child, and vice versa
He might be her father (maybe) but he isn't her dad, that role is filled, apart from knowing medical history no one has a right to anyone.
Everybody has a right to know who their parents are.
BS, so the daughter doesn't have a right to know who her real father is. The mother gets to lie and lie (if that's the case). It matters.
You are assuming this man is actually the father and he has no proof of that.
So she looks like him, or shares similar physical traits, that's 1, but not enough I guess. But the 1st husband who was supposed to be the father gave off his rights to his own daughter so the other guy could adopt her? I have seen multiple posts on reddit of cases where the dad gives away his rights, it's usually because they found out the kid wasn't theirs.
If he wants to go through the courts, he can, but he doesn’t have a right to bother this child without concrete proof. If he’s NOT the father consider the story from this angle: - a one night stand from several years ago is stalking me and my child to an obsessive level for YEARS. ^^ This would scare the sh*t out of me.
He could have been her dad all along. If he is the dad you can’t now sanitize the mother’s behavior when he asked questions way back.
100% even if the daughter doesn't want to build a relationship, they both have a right to know. Anyone saying any different, please ask yourself would you be okay with your mother hiding your biological father from you.
yes. 100%. this is coming from someone that actually had this happen in their life. this is not a hypothetical for me. I genuinely wish my 'potential father' never reached out to me. I say it like that because I refuse to get a paternity test for him, he can wonder for the rest of his life, and i dont believe he is my dad (sure i might be bias there but i dont care) He upturned my life for his own comfort and never bothered once to think how it'd affect me. I already have a dad, the man that actually raised me. I don't need him in my life, he's already done nothing but cause pain anyways
He isn't a dad. He may be a sperm donor at best. If he was a dad he would have tried to be there from day one.
I mean.. he did? He’s reached out multiple times to try to make contact but obviously the mother didn’t want to find out either. It’s kinda hard to “be there from day one” when you don’t know if you even are the father.
That's what lawyers and paternity are for. If you're too lazy to get a lawyer and fight for your kid, you don't deserve to be a parent. In OP's case, he didn't care that much until he thought he wouldn't be having kids.
THIS PART.
Be there for what?
I've gotten a message from a random man before claiming to be my father. "Ask your mom about me." Don't be that guy, please.
Stop stalking this family and move on.
Stop stalking these people. Do one of those genealogy tests. Perhaps they will do one too and if you are related, they will reach out.
Do a 23 and me. If one day she decides to do it too you’ll have a match if she’s yours 🤷♀️
Yo be blunt, you are at most the sperm donor. Being her father is definitly not the same. I recommend you don't bother the 'potential daughter'.
Where were you when she was pregnant or when this child was an infant? Why weren’t you pressing the issue then? You don’t just get to pop in and do this because YOU feel like you don’t have any chances at having any more children. You weren’t there when it mattered the most she has a father now so now you need to leave these people alone and continue your life like you were when you had better things to do than try to be a father.
Yes! He’s being horribly selfish.
Don't fuck up this girl's life just for your peace of mind. I know it sucks not knowing, but you just have to leave her alone unless she initiates something. I'd get a DNA test, use one or as many as you want of the popular DNA testing sites, make your results public and shareable and hope that one day she does the same and let HER take the initiative in contacting you.
You need to let this go. They are a family that you are not a member of. I am constantly amazed by men who think the only thing that matters with a child, in terms of fatherhood, is whose penis "did the deed" that created the child. That girl's father is the man who adopted and is raising her. Tell us please, OP. If genetic tests were done and it turned out that the girl is not related to you, would you still be obsessed with inserting yourself into her life whether she and her family want you there or not?
Well I hope this helped relieve some of the pressure. If you ever do decide to pursue anything or even just put yourself out there a good way to do it is to get An ancestry or 23andMe DNA test. You can publish the results and if the perspective daughter ever got a DNA test your results would turn up (or not) and if they did would be up to her to reach out or not. Good luck with your therapy and I hope you feel a little bit better after having gotten it off your chest.
Dude, drop it.
Do one of these "ancestry kits". If you do one of each service, it's actually very likely she will use one of these when she's an adult. A lot of people do these kits, if your info is there already and she's really your daughter, the day she's doing one of these, you will get sent a notification about a new DNA link. Besides that, looks can be deceiving. Just because she has similar features doesn't mean she is your child.
Put money in saviings just in case the kid figures it out. Do whatever public DNA tests are popular where you are. In the us it is Ancestry and 23andMe. In Asian countries they have other tests that are more popular. If the kid ever does a test out of curiosity they might find you that way.
I’d let it go You’d just rock so many lives, and for what?
Idk maybe it's the natural urge to want a relationship with his actual daughter, or maybe the feeling of responsibility for another human being.
Well 101 lesson about what it means to be a parent : your kid’s happiness comes before your own little egotistical satisfaction. He is gonna completely upset the girl’s life on a whim ? Because of some existential crisis ?
The feeling of responsibility is weak with OP. If he felt so responsible, why didn't he just start sending child support on his own, years ago?
I weirdly have some experience in this. My mom was a narcissist who never told me who my Bio dad was. Turns out she had cheated on her then abusive ex with a one night stand and didn't want to admit that due to guilt. I was the child of the one night stand that I found out roughly a year ago thanks to 23andMe. Both you and the child have a right to know paternity. I was robbed of a childhood of knowing my bio dad and half siblings due to my mom being unable to admit fault. Hire a lawyer to establish paternity, and everyone will have a definitive answer.
Wait until she is 18 before contacting her… The question I have is you are only 34 there is plenty of time for you to have other children… Personally I look like neither of my parents or my siblings but we are 100% related so keep that in mind.
Let it be. No good can come from this.
My best friend’s child looks exactly like me. Not a bit like them. We laugh about it often. I am asked all the time about my “child” by people. We are both woman, I have never been pregnant. No way her child could be mine. Just because the child looks like you doesn’t mean she is yours. It’s also a little creepy, the whole stalking thing. You could get a court order to establish paternity if you want. Also keep in mind if the child is yours depending on the laws you might be liable for back child support. Why not go talk to a lawyer and see about this? Why are you on Reddit and not actually doing anything but admitting you are cyber stalking some kid. Also unless you have a medical issue you have plenty of time for a male to have a child. Basically you produce sperm your whole life. Are you sure you’re 35?
Actually sperm starts to degrade and cause serious health issues when "used" later on. Society likes to ignores this but both sexes have a biological time-frame in which reproduce healthily not just women.
Yes, but it still is produced until they die, unless he has a medical problem. At 35 he can have a child.
You can take the available dna tests and maybe one day get a surprise.
Leave her alone while she's a minor.
Leave the girl alone. Let her grow up happy. Don't blow her world apart.
When I was younger I had a girl claim she had my baby . She just randomly said it over 20 years ago. I haven't spoken to her in well over a decade and she is fine with it . I thought her kid looked kind of like me but I think it's because I wanted too. The child is now a full adult and never have I heard from her mom or the child . Sometimes it's just wishful thinking. I believe in your case you really wanted kids so you were really focused on it . Go have you a baby man . You'll forget about her .
I’m sorry but even if it turned out that she is in fact your child this will not resolve the festering loneliness you feel. It sounds like you’re in need of community support and without it you’re trying to devise a way to force it.
Bro, take the hint and let this go. If your right or wrong, the repercussions could be extreme. If my ‘dad’ showed up and ask for paternity tests when I wasn’t a newborn (so from ages 3 and up), then he’s not my father. Biologically that person might be my father, but it’s not my dad.
If daughter has her own suspicions, you can do an ancestry DNA test on your own and make your results searchable to connect with family members. It may not fully assuage your anxiety over this, but it's a passive way of making you reachable if the other party ever wants to do research of their own.
I can’t believe there are so many comments or upvotes saying that it is « OP’s problem » or implying that OP is selfish. If OP was lied to 10 years ago and did not have the chance to know his biological daughter, he is a VICTIM in this story. His feelings do matter, and he has the right to want to know the truth and reach out to his daughter if she was indeed his daughter. This is incredibly insensitive and unfair to tell him to « just ignore it because the kid already has a father ». Also, if I were the kid: I would want to know who is my biological father, at least for health reasons.
OP is being stalkerish wanting to upend this child's world, not for the child, but for himself. That is what is "insensitive".
This can be for him AND for the child. Both have an interest in finding out the truth (if OP suspicions are correct)
But you have to consider the child who is arguably more important in this. Based on the above OP isn’t really considering what is best for her, and how this information may upend her life before she’s able to deal with it. OP should get therapy and as others have suggested try again only when the child is above 18, if they need to know and need to contact this child.
The child also has an interest in knowing the truth. It would not be easy but that it is still their right to know
That’s why so many people are having their lives upended because of the home dna tests.
Yea and the fact that she didn’t know who he was and blocked him! I’m sure she remembers, I’m sure she had a scare as to who the father of her child was if she was having sexual intercourse with the ex and also had a one night stand with him.
Info: do you have other kids? Feels like you’re trying to compensate for something. Because while technically possible, the mother decided not to have you in _her_ children’s life. You just provided the genetic material, she was there do change every diaper and soothe every pain. The child has a good, happy life. Stay away. Plus with all the stalking you’re being borderline creepy. Edit: now I see you don’t have more children. This feels more like an ego trip than anything else.
Maybe hire a lawyer to have a DNA test done? Your daughter will find out eventually, esp in this day and age. You don't want her to think you never cared and who knows what kind of lies her mother will tell her.
Can he even legally demand that?
I don’t know that it would matter at this point unless the mom comes clean when she’s old enough .
She will grow into an adult and wonder why you never tried harder to get to know her sooner.
And then OP can tell her he did try, but her mother blocked his efforts. Because she did have a dad, he didn't take it to court etc because he didn't want to hurt her, and throw her life upside down. Imagine a teenage girl, suddenly having to do DNA testing because some stranger wants to claim her as his kid. And then what? IF they share DNA, she's supposed to have her dad drive her to meet some guy she doesn't know, because he once had a one night stand with her mom? I mean, I get having the right to know who you're biological parents are. But is it really in the best interest of the kid to know that now? I would go for a DNA test that notifies you when you have a match. When the girl is 18, he can send her a friendly, but clear and cordial message, to invite her to do the same, as he has a suspicion they could share DNA. But that's about it, I think.
From a kid’s perspective there is no try there is only do
So, you would stalk her, and approach a minor against the parents' wishes? Just saying... he waited this long. If he had acted immediately, the girl would at least know of him. By now, he's a strange adult man approaching a (I assume, because she has social media) teenage girl.
Your life will be upended no matter how old you are if that happens. The question becomes why did you wait so long not why did you claim me.
He didn't wait. He respected her mother's blocking. The only other options at this point is either stalking a minor (not wise), or going scorched earth through court. With again the result that a total random stranger is claiming her as his kid, from the perspective of the kid. That is if he has the legal right to demand a paternity test.
One last thing OP, and this is why you need the attorney... Providing false information on birth certificates is illegal. That's why she's been dodging you. If it comes down that you are the father, she can get into a lot of legal trouble, especially proceeding with an adoption without your consent. IF you are the real father. So stop listening to us strangers, and go get the attorney. If you are the real father... You're not destroying lives. The mother did that on her own with her lies. Good luck.
Listen to this op^
Be like that character in Frozen and *let it gooooooo.* Nothing good will come from continually stalking that woman and her daughter. Go on with your life. And you're only 34, you have decades left to make a child if you want.
The fact that she's blocking you speaks volumes. Go to a lawyer. Demand a DNA test. It is important for medical reasons for her to know who her biological father is. She needs to know your medical history even if she doesn't want you to be part of her life. You're only mistake here was not doing this a long time ago. Unless there's something abusive going on there is absolutely no reason why a woman should keep her child from their father.
This is the answer
I hope you do what a comment above recommends and you hire a lawyer to establish paternity. - for all those saying not to do anything what the fuck is wrong with yall? You should definitely find out if that’s your kid or not, what if your child ends up marrying a cousin or brother later in life? It’s happened to other people before …js. Also how would you feel if she found out later in life and you did nothing about it and she comes looking for you? No one deserves to be lied to this way, and just because you want to be in her life doesn’t mean you’re there to destroy it or their family.
A child needs security. No need to turn a kid's world upside down when she is in a stable environment. Wait till they are an adult.
A mother lying about important things like who her father is, is that security? Lying for years, that is stability?
Have some empathy for the child. There is no security in what you say, just entitlement. Mr. Sperm donor is not entitled to flipping a child's world upside down. Let the child reach adulthood.
And then the child will resent you for not being in her life when you had an inkling you were the father?
It was just a one night stand. It literally doesn't matter.
as someone that is in a similar situation, except I'm the potential child, honestly leave her alone. there's a huge chance all you are going to do if you make your presence known is turn her life upside down for **your** comfort and honestly? It's incredibly unfair. Speaking from experience here, my life has taken a downward turn ever since i found out. I already deal with Double depression and then one day a couple years back had this bomb dropped in my lap, I had been doing a bit better in recovery but personally it sent me into a spiral that if I'm being fully honest, I have yet to get out of. Just my 2 cents, but I'd you are reaching out because YOU don't want to have any regrets or feel some type of way, maybe consider how this will effect her instead. and if it's really worth it to turn a lot of what she knew as her life into a lie. It's a lot to deal with, and personally I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I genuinely wish my potential "father" never ever reached out to me (I say it like that because I refuse to get a paternity test for him.) It did nothing but cause me pain I still don't know how to deal with, and I'm not sure if I will ever truly be able to cope. **If you do this, honestly you should be prepared to pay for her therapy. You at least owe her that much if you're going to turn her life on its head.** **Edit to add** please go to therapy, a good therapist will be able to help you through this and navigate your feelings
That's utter bullocks. The person your mother told you was your father is not your biological father. How is this the father's fault? You're not a god damned frail butterfly. Your situation isnt even remotely unique, you better odds of not being your father's child then winning the lottery. Some men aren't fucking shit heels, and have a biological want to bond with the child they concieved if given the chance. Dude didn't run away, she didn't fear for her safety. They're just two people doing people shit. The fuck ...
tell me where I said the mother was blameless. my response comes from being in similar circumstance, and explaining how it didn't bring anything of value into my life with him trying to figure out if I was his daughter and push me into a paternity test. but what it DID DO was turn my world and everything I'd known on its head and has caused a lot of damage that I now need to work through. you know how that situation could have been avoided for me? if he had just stepped the fuck up and got a court order when I was a CHILD if he truly wanted to claim he was my father and be part of my life. Mom can't deny a court order, there was a time when that should and could have been done with less trauma to the child. Not years later when I'm a grown ass woman working through my own shit and having him drop that in my lap as well. I genuinely don't care if it made him feel any better reaching out to me, i wish he had just left me the fuck alone. So sure, you're entitled to your own opinion. But until you've been in the position (or anyone, not just you specifically) your stance holds little value to the lived experience. if you DID also live this experience I'd love to hear how it went differently for you and how you were able to cope over DM if you'd be interested. I'm not saying that trying to be an asshole, but as someone genuinely curious how others have coped with the situation because it fucking sucks.
I get the curiosity, but you can't do this to the girl. She has no idea, thought she knew her father and now has a new one that seems to help with the happy family. Why break that life for her, just because you "have a feeling". Get over it. IF EVER the girl were to contact You, you can tell her your "gut feeling". I 100% believe that women do this coocoo-thing of "deciding the father later" way too often (one is one too much here) and they are cowards for it. Since you realize you were too young and inexperienced when it happened, and therefore you didn't do anything about it.. so now you have to live with the consequences as well. You CHOSE to do nothing years ago, so you bound your own hands now as well. Now all you can do is wait If/When the girl ever finds out and maybe reaches out to you.. tough position to be in. Maybe get a therapist (NLP coach is always my tip, they are allowed to be more direct, instead of asking You for answers).
This is a can of worms you will deeply regret opening
I agree with those saying the window for this has most likely closed unfortunately. If you want kids, maybe try and settle down with someone new instead.
You may not want to open that can of worms - seeing as how child support would be your obligation if the child turned out to be yours. Have you taken a DNA test for [Ancestry.com](http://Ancestry.com) or one of those companies? If so, at least there would be a record if the child reached 18 and wanted to find lost relatives by doing a DNA test, and then you may pop up as a match.
Dude consider yourself lucky and move on. Raising an Illegitimate kid with a woman you barely know isn’t fun.. Move on and be happy you dodged a bullet.
A lot of hypocrites here if you all were in the op position you would want to know, too
The bigger question is, if you do pursue the truth and she is your daughter, are you willing to be a father? Because it's gonna hurt if you pursue this just for confirmation but don't commit to being in her life as a father. If you are willing to be a father, depending on the country I do think you could pursue matter legally - but the caviat is that this may affect the family dynamics or child's life. If you are willing to wait until she's an adult that's fine too. You may have to explain and maybe keep record if you have it that you tried but mom did not want to cooperate. No diss to mom I think she is trying to sustain a normalcy and family unit for the child's well-being..
Do NOT reach out to this child, the best/only option you should take is a 23andme dna test and hope that when the child gets older they do the same, get a match and reach out to you. Reaching out to the child in any way could ruin many lives because you are curious.
Sounds like the child has a mother and a father. Why do you think you need to be involved?
You're 34. Why aren't you likely to have children of your own? I know people who fathered children in their 40s, even some in their 60s. This child is still a minor. Leave her alone until she's at least reached adulthood. She doesn't need any emotional upheaval.
If you have no intentions of actually doing anything for this girl, then why bother? **Just cause YOU want to know?** You had years to do that dude - the minute you had a suspicion is when you should have said something, and more likely than not, given the ONS' reaction, she might be yours - but that doesn't mean you get to suddenly swoop in now that all the hard shit is over - because let's face it, if you actually gave two shits about this child, you would have persued it as soon as you found out the timelines matched and gone to court for paternity - but more likely than not you didn't because you didn't want to deal with the consquences of your "little trist", including paying child support and being a present father figure. You got off scott-free. **That said, this girl has grown up with another man being her father - genetic or not - and you coming in to stir the pot is only going to hurt her - and you'd be doing it only out of curiousity? That seems incredibly selfish.** It sounds like you decided to live a bachelor life, and are coming up on a mid-life crisis and are trying to make up for your negligent ways. I don't think that's fair to anyone in this situation, especially the girl**. Once again, you had years to get ahead of this and establish paternity and you didn't. That's your fault - and one of the consquences is you won't be able to establish any relationship with this girl** - because more likely than not, she alread knows she's not related to the man who's raised her but won't be replacing him since HE was there and you were not. You're nothing but a sperm-donor at this point if she is biolgically yours. Also, you're only 34. You have plenty of time to have your own children. You're likely established in your career, not too old, and will be better equipped to handle having your own kids - **unless what you're really saying is you don't want to actually raise YOUR children? I mean, that does check out given your inactiveness with this child.** Want an indirect way to figure this out without stirring the pot directly? Do something like **23&Me** and see if you get a hit. She may get on and see it, and if she conects with you **the only thing I would offer is a bioligical health report so she knows what to expect as far as genetic history and such.** Otherwise it's a dead end and you should stop stalking this girl. Stop being a creep, and move on.
There's a harsh truth here that you're missing. If you weren't present during her upbringing, you're not her father. You don't know her hobbies, what foods she likes, what her greatest fears are. You didn't impart your values on her, you didn't teach her to read or to write a bike. A biological connection, *assuming* one exists, isn't enough to justify this imagined connection. Let it go.
That intuition is a strong thing man, if that is your own flesh and blood you go get them!!!!
Not going to be a popular opinion. If you think that child is yours, you have every right to find out if it is and if that means disrupting others so be it. You have been disrupted and I truly feel like you know your own, who is anyone to keep you from getting to the bottom of it. Also, I would look into googling your options to try and do it a smoothly and legally as you can. The more time passes the more time you miss out. Personally I'm very against anyone who suggest that you as a potential parent don't have right because you do. This girl you see, is my brothers story and because of the way my mom handled it when he did found out (and they will always find out) it completely crushed him to a point of no return.
35(f) found out a couple years ago my dad who I grew up with believing was my biological father was not. Of course each individual would take the new different but personally I wish I had either known when I was younger or never found out.
Everyone here who says he should just drop it. Take a step from your emotional / sociological standpoints and don't leave out the factor, that everyone should know who their biological parents are for health concerns alone.
If she is your daughter then she has the right to know. She apparently was not the first husband's child since he signed off rights to her or he wasnt listed on the birth cert in the first place. Since she is a minor, you should talk to a lawyer to see if you can get a dna test. You probably will have to wait until she is 18 and then contact her directly.
Reminds me of Killing Commendatore… wild
What would your child gain from finding out her father isn't biologically hers? How would it enrich her life? If you can't find any way to do so without causing more harm, it's inherently selfish.
Look into what you can legally do to find out if that’s your child. She’s deliberately ignoring you from the sounds of this. She says she’s adamant, but you haven’t even been given a chance to know for sure. I’m not sure if you can do anything legally, but it never hurts to look into it if you have the details & facts