They will grieve forever. Don’t forget. Leave a card on this day, next year, too. Parents who survive their child’s death or suicide walk a lonely, cold road that is even their beloved friends and family can’t walk with them, and often times they end up abandoning the surviving parent as well. I never got to take my firstborn home from the hospital after he was born, he went straight to the funeral home. One of the things that shocked me the most was how abruptly the care stopped. People don’t ask. They don’t send cards. They don’t use his name. But we still remember that day 3 years later, it’s imprinted on our hearts forever.
You’re a caring soul, OP.
I'm so sorry for your horrible loss. I lost my twins to stillbirth too. And I completely agree with you. I wish people would say their names or say something on their day. Hugs to you 💕
I’m so sorry for your tragic loss as well - twins, what a blessing. It’s so interesting how I don’t even know what to say to other bereaved parents because of how devastating it is, it takes my breath away each time. Hugs to you too, friend 🤍🤍🤍
I have my trauma, but having a stillborn is my worst nightmare. I've had miscarriages, but I honestly can not imagine how awful that would be. I'm truly so sorry to you & every parent who suffered unimaginable loss on a day that should be the happiest of their life. The fact you're still here, commenting on Reddit about your story to empathise with someone else, shows how amazing and strong you are. 🩷 I wish you nothing but happiness in your future, as much as you can have after your experience. If you are a hugger, I'm sending hugs 🫂 if not, I'm sending thoughts too 🩷
Edit; I'm sorry if I have come across as diminishing those who went through a MC or multiple MC's. I know how awful they are, and my thoughts are also with all AFAB people who have gone through it & their partners :( 🩷
I’m so very sorry for your losses… pregnancy loss is so isolating. I had a MMC extremely early on, and the experiences are definitely different. But at the end of the day, you’re grieving a unique soul and a dream and faith in your body, your medical team, the list goes on… fertility, pregnancy, and birth trauma are some of the least understood grievances out there imo. I think it’s easy for folks to write off the loss as “not that bad” since the baby wasn’t born yet. But a mother is preparing for her baby the second she knows about the life inside of her. Dads are too.
I’m sending you a big hug and the sincerest thank you for sharing your story and the kindness you’ve sent my way. I’m hesitant about bringing this up too often on Reddit because inevitably someone will disagree with an unrelated comment I’ve left and attack my post history. But frankly I don’t care. My story deserves to be heard, as does everyone’s, and nobody can hurt me as deeply as I’ve already been hurt.
Sending love. 💕💞💓
I lost my twins to a late MMC. I've been through so much, but that was the hardest thing I've ever been though. I've got a pretty big family, and only two of us have had lost a baby. My sister, as sweet as she is, has said some incredibly insensitive things during my current pregnancy. About how once I have my son things will be easier, how I'll be less scared my next pregnancy, how the bad memories will fade. She doesn't understand I'll never forget my daughters. I carried them and will always carry them. I had them cremated, and they will always be remembered and loved. By both my husband and I.
Wow! I could have written that myself. We cremated our baby boy, too. I’ll never forget carrying his engraved urn out, and how deeply I pressed my hands into the etchings of his name just so I could feel something that connected me to him. It is such a tiny urn, but it felt and still feels so incredibly heavy in my hands. 😔
I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious twins. That is devastating. I had a hard time with my sister too. She got pregnant 8 months after my loss and ended up massively resenting me for not jumping for joy over her pregnancy and having a hard time being around her healthy, live, newborn baby. She still resents me to this day so I’ve minimized contact. I would have preferred our daughters grew up together, but unfortunately some people have to rush sweep other peoples tragedies under the rug for their own selfish benefit. As a sister, I know that pain stings deeper than most. Hugs from one grieving sister to another 🫂
I chose to have my girls put in the same little heart shaped urn. They were always together and it seemed to wrong to separate them at that point. I have a little locket with a bit of their ashes in it I always wear, I don't like being without them. They were my first babies and always will be.
My sister has a tendency to be toxicly positive. I've expressed to her how I feel I can't trust my body, and how it hurts to see happy healthy babies. She's a bit older than me, her daughter is my age. My niece was pregnant the same time I was, and had her third healthy baby after I lost mine. My sister had the hardest time understanding I just couldn't be around my niece afterwards. Which meant I didn't got to Thanksgiving, Christmas, or her baby shower. My sister thought I resented my niece for having a healthy pregnancy, which was never the case. It took her quite some time to understand I just wished that it could have been me too celebrating my daughter's coming into the world. She tried pulling the "it should be different with family/you need to be here because of family". I told her it didn't matter, it hurt be it seeing a happy baby in the grocery store or it being my niece and her daughter.
My husband helped me through everything, even though he was just as crushed as I was. He didn't know miscarriages were so common, or that there was such a thing as a MMC. While it's painful to talk about, and I'm sure always will be, I think it needs to be done. So many people just don't understand how common it is to have fertility issues and infant loss.
I'm so sorry you've had to endure and go through something so similar to us. It's not something I'd ever wish on anyone. I wish you healing and peace in your future, big hugs 🫂
I lost my husband when I was 28 and one woman I knew from my childhood church sent a card like 4 months later, saying she’d waited until the busy-ness had calmed down to remind me that she was still thinking about me. I have remembered this every time I’ve sent a sympathy card. The reality sets in right when everyone is expecting you to be better.
Hugs 💕
I’m never certain if this will be okay to do: sending a card near the event of course is expected, but later, just a note to say I’m “thinking of you” and the loved one they lost? I worry that they’ll get my note on a day when they’re feeling pretty okay for the first time in a while, and my note will bring them down again. I’m glad to hear you say it was welcome.
This. Crying isn’t bad. It’s a release of human emotion. Sometimes I listen to a sad song because I want to cry and feel close to my grief. Then I can move on with my day ❤️🩹
"Parents who survive their child’s death or suicide walk a lonely, cold road that is even their beloved friends and family can’t walk with them, and often times they end up abandoning the surviving parent as well."
Words spoken of an awful truth; I felt the terrible separation in what you wrote. So sad for you and your son, I think we all struggle terribly to understand what someone such as yourself goes through with such an occurrence. Maybe folks feel the pain is something you would wish to see vanish and so say nothing? Or that what they may say will be the "wrong" thing? Not to excuse, just that I know how difficult it is to speak on these occasions though my heart wishes it. I hope these days find you with some closure and that there others now walking your "lonely, cold road" in support.
I really appreciate the thoughts — I really do agree. I read the book “it’s ok you’re not ok” on grief, and the author’s theory is that people are so wildly uncomfortable with grief and loss because subconsciously they *want to believe they’d be okay if it happened to them.* Deep down, everyone knows they’ll experience loss someday, in some form. Everyone hopes it’s an event you experience, and then you pick up the pieces and move on. When they realize and see that doesn’t happen I think they just can’t cope. And I absolutely empathize with not knowing what to say. I don’t even know what to say sometimes. It’s the toughest thing int the world to truly sit with someone else’s pain and just experience it with them, without trying to rush them to feel better. “The only way to the otherside is through.”
I do feel better these days. I grieve in random moments but not every second of the day like the months following my loss. I’ve also learned to give my loved ones grace, just like I needed in my times of grief as well.
Sending hugs. Thanks for your kindness. 🤍
“The only way to the other side is through.” Oh, my dear, you have walked that road. Thank you for the update, the healing words and the hugs. Here's some in return, feel free to share as needed.
Oh sweetheart.
Tell me, what is your son’s name? Did he have that scrunchy newborn hair? Did you get to spend time with him?
He will be added to the memories in my heart.
🥹 thank you for asking. His name was Christopher. We spent the better part of 12 hours with him until he let us know it was time to say goodbye. He had the thickest, curliest head of hair. He had my eyes and his dad’s nose.
I appreciate your warmth and kindness, internet friend. Happiest of cake days 💕
Sweet precious Christopher. May he dance amongst the stars until you meet together again.
Thank you for sharing him with me. His curls and his sweetness will be remembered.
Send Mother’s Day flowers every year. My son witnessed his friends accidental death and sends his friends mom Mother’s Day flowers Every year. She admitted it was hard at first, but appreciated that she was thought of on such a hard day.
That’s so devastating, I’m sorry to your son and to the child’s parents. It’s so hard to receive flowers for something so tragic. But the fact that people care, as you said, is what matters ❤️🩹 you raised a great son :) his empathy and compassion will bring him far in life.
It was definitely a tragic thing. He went through therapy to help him learn to live with the memories and PTSD, survivors guilt etc. his family was so kind looking out for him afterwards when they had so much to sort out for themselves. The night it happened, his friend had talked about how he was so lucky to have his family and that they had been great when he had been depressed and suicidal previously. So my son was able to share that message with his family which was probably the most comforting gift he could share thought it.
That’s so powerful - I’m so glad your son’s friend confided that to him. Again, speaks volumes to the kind of person your boy is. I’m glad you got him into therapy and he’s able to continue living his life. I’m sure his friend would have wanted that ❤️🩹
I had a friend-of-a-friend whose 21yo son killed himself, and for the rest of her life, five days in the year were especially hard for her: Mother’s Day, his birthday, the anniversary of his death, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I didn’t know her well, but my friend did, and he would always call her up or send a note on those days, and sometimes he even went to visit her. I hadn’t really realized before how many holidays can be permanently wrecked if you lose a child.
We had to deliver the news of a still birth to some friends, the parents asked if we could reach out to a couple close friends. I’ll never forget the scream that came from our friend when we told him.
I never know if I’m supposed to. Being honest I don’t want to bring up a terrible moment in someone’s life but we still remember him. His ultrasound goes up on our ofrenda every year. I haven’t told his parents. He hasn’t been forgotten, I just don’t want to make anyone sad.
You’re such a thoughtful friend. I’ll never forget my mother’s wail on the phone when I told her. She told my sister; I couldn’t do anymore. And my husband’s stepfather repeating “there’s nothing to say, but I want to say everything…” over and over.
I promise you, you won’t make anyone sad. They are feeling it on their hearts and it’s in the back of their minds constantly. Nobody has ever made me sad reaching out about my boy. In fact it’s those moments I can find a bit of joy in the fact that I *am* his mother, and I get to display the immense amount of love his father and I have for him when folks bring him up. I totally understand the sentiment, but even a simple “I’m thinking of you and baby’s name. You’re always in our hearts” goes such a long way. You won’t regret it and neither will your friends. :)
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for your partner as well. My mother lost at 7, 8 and 9 months. RH factor. She made a scene in the nursery about holding my sister Catherine so they just left her alone. They probably thought my mother was a lunatic back then. I'm 58 and Catherine (her second born) lived 24 hours. So it was back in the day where everything was secret, hidden. I had no idea it is still that way as well, to the degree you're describing. How sad. I'm very sorry for your loss. Hugs to you. Thank you for bringing awareness to it.
I’m so extremely sorry for your mother’s loss, and the loss of your siblings. One of the things I’m dreading the most is telling my daughter about her big brother. I want her to know and she will of course, but that’s a lot for a kid to process and handle. Babies shouldn’t die. Both of my pregnancies ended with a placental abruption. We were lucky enough to catch it this time (even though the nurses told me to stay home!) and thankfully she’s sleeping in my arms now. I’m so glad your grief stricken mother got to hold her baby. It is so barbaric they wouldn’t allow that back in the days. I’ve heard many stories of mothers who have no photos, or only one of their babies. Utterly tragic. I’m lucky to have some photos and keepsakes 💔
Rest in peace to your sweet Catherine and my Christopher. Until we meet again🤍🤍
ETA thank you for the condolences for my husband, his father, as well. It was really shocking to see the card from the medical staff and they by and large only addressed me, the mom, by name. Dads absolutely grieve too. He was right by my side for every appointment and for the delivery as well. He misses his son the same as me.
I’m so sorry for your loss. 22 years ago we never got to bring my daughter home either - you will never forget. After the funeral people move on, even my own parents and siblings….but I still think about her every single day.
Yeah this is a never ending thing, I was 7 when my sister comitted suicide, she was 19-21 not positive, not a single day goes by that I don't think about it. Can't even imagine what it's like for my parents. It was years before I didn't see them crying on a daily basis. Years before they were parents who were there for me and my surviving siblings again, not that I blame them, but, my feelings towards my sister are lets put this way "mixed" one day I miss her, next day I hate her for what she did to us, the next day I think about how much pain she must have been in, these feelings can all happen in seconds too it's a never ending cycle you just kind of carry on cause you have to
I love the card next year idea. When a child dies the world keeps going. It's very hard to live knowing this. Intellectual I understand it but it's a mind fuck emotionally. Been 8 years last April. We have never gotten a card since the first month or so.
I’m so sorry for your loss🥺 My mom lost my brother to still birth and my mom was depressed for so many years afterwards. I was a very young child and I remember how ostracized she felt. I hope your life is okay now💜
I’m so sorry for your loss and for your mother’s deep pain. I can’t imagine my little girl going through expecting a sibling to suddenly her parents crippled in pain and no more baby brother ❤️🩹truly heartbreaking. Thank you so much though. We’ve lived and built life around our loss and my almost 6 month old is dozing on my chest as we speak.
Be well🤍🤍🤍
I just want to offer you a perspective that maybe the people who've not said or done anything for you on the anniversary of the incident. Death is something I struggle with severely. I don't know how to handle grief and I try not to think about those that are gone. I can't even look at pictures. I don't want to think or talk about them. And to me, there's really nothing anyone can say or do that makes the situation any less traumatic, especially when it's a baby. I don't want to bring up the worst moment of someone's life. If they want to talk about it, I will let them bring it up when they want to.
Food is a really good idea. When my grandad passed away, my neighbour made and brought over a big pot of chili. It was over 20 years ago, but I'll never forget that kindness. Just not having to worry about what was for dinner that night and getting it all cooked gave my family one less thing to worry about that night.
I have also brought over a lot of disposable plates, cups, utensils, napkins, etc instead of food because I think the last thing you would want to do would be dishes. And usually you have lots of people over.
(I have lots of close people, but mainly from out of town so I have never had people bring me food)
We had a loss in our family, while I was a youngish adult.
Lots of people brought food. At first I was surprised to receive food and condolences as in the moment I wasn't thinking of food and thought it was odd.
Then over days, we realized that our lack of hunger continued and we couldn't find it in ourselves to cook or even eat.
The food people brought ended up meaning so much, as we could heat up some love-filled soup to get nutrients, even if we didn't have appetite. It really moved me then and afterwards when we emerged from grieving.
I still carry the love people brought to us in the form of food. I didn't know it at the time, but it was what we needed. I now know that food can help so much after a tragedy (no doubt the lesson already learned by those who brought us food).
This is a really good idea. During times of grief you cannot think straight enough about taking a shower let alone eating. A lasagna or dish like that would be amazing. Maybe a platter from the grocery store if you don't cook and grab them some sides to go with it. If you have a local bakery that is always nice to drop off something like that as another option. I've done the bakery recently and it went over really well. You can also offer up a prayer, even if you don't believe. Lord please protect this persons family, especially their mother. Thank you, please bless them, Amen. I'm sorry you had to go through this. It was a traumatic event for you. Hugs dear.
One thing I do whenever someone suffers a life altering event, even if temporarily, is leave a card, flowers, and a gift card for a food delivery service.
No matter what you do it hits all the bases. A card for sympathy and showing you care, flowers to brighten their life even if for a short period of time, and food they don’t have to cook. I know that when someone has a new baby it might be a joyous occasion but their hands are full dealing with baby stuff and house is probably a mess so flowers make it a little prettier. They won’t have the energy to make food, so gift card. The card is something you can hold as a keepsake.
Then when someone has a child die, it’s sort of the same but the chaos is within. Nothing matters. There’s no energy to make food. There’s no energy to clean. It’s cruel that the world is going on when yours has stopped completely. Having someone acknowledge that with a card of sympathy makes emotional sense. Getting flowers can remind you the world isn’t just a pit of utter despair. The gift card lets you eat when the idea of cooking something seems like climbing mount everest without a guide.
A friend of mine who has had both things happen to them in a span of five years mentioned to me that I sent the same “care package” that I did for their new baby and for their one that didn’t make it. They told me it would have hurt if it wasn’t both kind and practical both times. This led us having a weird moment where we talked about having a new and overwhelming thing has almost the same affect on a person if it’s good or bad.
And no matter what we humans do, for whatever reason it comes with a card, flowers, and food. Even if different things come from different people.
There’s honestly nothing to do in that situation.
As far as violating privacy, I doubt that’s even in the top 1000 things that woman was concerned about at the time. It’s only natural to react and pay attention when someone else is crying out like that. It’s pure instincts to do so.
100%.
I sat on my stoop once because I heard arguing and yelling. I told myself if I heard “that scream,” I was going to my neighbors house to see what was up.
There are certain screams/cries/things that will make me go into action. But OP did nothing wrong. Sometimes, if you’re not sure what’s going on, it’s safe to stay out of the way.
I was driving home one night from my work a couple years ago, waiting to turn left onto my road. Nothing out of the ordinary. Until the light turned green for the cars to my right, and a car coming perpendicular, turning out to be drunk, slammed into another car. I heard/saw the woman who crashed scream as she was launched into the air over the T boned car and skidded face first into the asphalt. I heard the people in other cars scream, people at the gas station scream. I gasped and sat completely shocked. I'll never unsee her lifeless body or all the blood on her face or unhear those screams.
I've also heard someone frantically begging for their life, then gunshots around the corner of our street. Now in that parking lot at least 2 cops will sit there every day. Those memories don't go away.
I didn't call the cops on the latter one, I froze like a few people say they've done. I wish I could've helped that person. But I could've gotten shot for intervening. I feel guilty though for living.
There is no way that you could have helped or prevented either, without potentially being harmed yourself. And you can still call the cops, anonymously to tell them what you know. Stay safe 🙏
One of my loved ones shot themselves in my childhood backyard. The neighbors hearing us discovering their body was absolutely the last thing on our minds
I carried my grandma out of my mother's funeral because she was crying and screaming. We all deal with things differently... It takes time to feel normal again.
Some of the worst feelings in the world.
My grandma had to bury three of her daughters, two of them adults, one a victim of a crime. When my oldest aunt passed suddenly after a stroke the funeral was just...
My grandma aged 10 years in a span of ten days, and when they lowered the casket into the ground one of the ropes slipped and the casket tumbled into the grave (thankfully it didnt open).
The noises my grandma made at that were just something else, I dont even know how to describe it.
Oxy overdose got my mom at 47. It didn't feel real until I saw her laying in that casket.
She let it take control of her life and it made me homeless at 17 and our relationship was pretty poor to say the least. I still regret not talking to her more. Reading her diary was the most heartbreaking thing... She just wanted to feel loved. And she didn't get it from her son.
Life is hard.
It really is.
I just wanted to remind you that it's not your fault and send a virtual hug (if that's OK). We're all ultimately just struggling, flawed humans trying to navigate life, and would probably all do things differently with the benefit of hindsight.
I understand addiction so I feel sad for your mom, but I feel even sadder for you and all the weight on your shoulders from so young. While it's totally understandable to regret not spending more time with a loved one who's passed, sometimes it's just necessary self-preservation to distance yourself from someone who's using and self-destructing. It's also understandable if you were angry at the time and expressed that to her. It sounds like you have a lot of empathy for what your mom went through, so I hope you give yourself the same grace.
I am so sorry for your loss, and all the pain I read and feel in the comments.
In my culture, parents are prevented from taking part in their children's funeral for this exact reason (among others, I guess). They can be present at home, or at church if they are christians, but they cannot attend the burial part. Both caring but also heartbreaking.
May you find peace ❤️
I’m so sorry you experienced that. It’s traumatizing even as a bystander. It’s been over a decade since I stopped at the scene of an accident to help someone who died on impact and I can still hear one of the guys coworkers calling his name in my head. It was a desperate cry. And it still haunts me years later when I think back to it.
There is something absolutely horrific about the sound of a mother's grief.
my own son died about 4 1/2 years ago- I remember being traumatized by the sounds I was making my own self - all I can say is that my grieving cry was keening, it was like my heart was removed. There was a hole torn in my soul.
As a fellow trauma survivor: you’re right, but also, trauma is trauma. You were affected too, just in a different way. Please don’t downplay that out of a sense of guilt or obligation — such well intended reactions, but your experience matters too. Just remember the [Ring Theory of Grief](https://www.google.com/search?q=Ring+Theory+of+Grief+a&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari) and you’re good.
Discounting our own pain is what keeps us stuck and can eventually turn trauma (which is fairly common in the human experience) into PTSD. Get help and talk about it with appropriate people (again, refer to Ring Theory).
The hearing the sound of her voice over and over again is your body’s way of trying to make sense of what happened and is completely normal. Talk to people about it and write about it. It will help.
My heartfelt condolences to the OP above who lost their child and was commiserating with OOP.
I was going to mention Ring Theory but I see someone has already mentioned.
Just know that secondary trauma is absolutely a thing and it's absolutely okay to talk to someone about it.
I'm just barely over a year out from losing my son. I'm still traumatized by the sounds I make. It's so hard to pull myself back from the brink of what feels like complete insanity. So I just try to hold it in as much as I can. Although I'm having a can't stop crying day again, the tears just flow. I'm so sorry you've suffered this loss too
It is now 4 1/2 years since my boy passed away. The first two were absolutely dreadful. The third year was kind of slowly getting back to normal. And now I almost feel like myself again.
The screams are horrible, it’s probably the worse part of that video I stumbled upon of the guy driving and a brick goes through the window and you can hear the scream of the husband after realizing what happened. It wasn’t even a gory video it was just mostly sound. Sticks with me to this day.
For me personally, I find that sound alone is often *worse* than having a visual. There are so many gaps for my imagination to fill in with things possibly even worse than reality, or to simply ruminate about, and having just the sound allows my mind to focus on and take it in fully. One case that illustrates how much sound effects me is the bear mauling scene in *The Revenant*. My mom tried to show it to me without warning, but with the sound on and Leo’s character’s cries of pain, I started crying within seconds as my mind filled with the horrors of imagining what he was going through in that moment and what it would be like to be in his place. I couldn’t make it through. But then my mom put the movie on mute and we watched the scene and I was able to handle it then. Never discount the impact that sounds can have.
Our neighbors daughter was diagnosed with tongue cancer at 20 years old. From diagnosis to death, it was only a couple of months. She moved back home so that her parents could care for her. I'll never forget her mother's screams when she died at home. It's the most horrific sound I've ever heard. That grief is unimaginable.
My son passed in an accident almost 6 years ago. I've never heard a more accurate description. I was traumatized by myself as well. I can still hear myself to this day. It really is like your soul is being ripped from your body in the for of cries.
This scream is a thing you can never unhear. I was too young when my mom found out my sister had been killed in a car accident. I was there, but at age 2, I have no memory of it. However, my sister was just under age 4 and she still has vivid memories of it.
Fifty years later my sister was going to visit our dad in the hospital, and she heard those same screams. She told me about it while each of us were on a side of dad’s bed. She told of the sobs and the screams and that she could hear it all in mom’s voice. I looked at our dad and he was crying. I had to tell my sister to stop.
Even after 50 years, that pain doesn’t go away. There will never be a day that your neighbor won’t appreciate you giving her a hug, or flowers, or even a shoulder to cry on.
I am so sorry. I experienced something similar a few years ago. A single gun shot in the middle of the night and the deceased woman's teenage son frantically running down our street in grief. It was awful and it still gets to me. I wasn't ok for a few months afterwards. Do the Tetris thing, I hear it has amazing benefits.
Playing Tetris following traumatic events somehow helps break up the way the memory is processed, and is clinically shown to reduce PTSD severity down the line.
I figured it was actual tetris but I thought it might be some code word I don't know lol. I had not realized there were studies on it. That's quite fascinating.
I'd really like to see them do a study about other things, like other games. I wonder if it's literally anything that just takes your mind off it and completely takes you in so you can't process anything else.
I’m a nurse in L&D and the NICU.. and one thing that haunts me, that you never ever forget is the sound of a moms screams when she loses her baby. It’s absolutely haunting.
My next door neighbor’s brother was dog sitting while they were on vacation. One night he turned on all the tvs, the stereos, put the dogs in the back yard, and went ip to the attic with a shot gun. I was 10 or so at the time and my parents thought it was weird that the dogs were out for hours. They went over and knocked but no one answered. They called the home owners and they sent his aunt. Her and my dad got into the house with the key. I was on the front porch. My dad climbed up the ladder to the attic with the aunt. The scream she screamed…I am 32 and I can still hear it. It doesn’t haunt me as much anymore but anytime someone mentions suicide even as small as “imma kms” I don’t get offended but I do hear that scream. I understand.
I've heard the mother's scream too. Get therapy if you need to, talk it through with the friend you were with that heard it too, it helps. Movies don't even do it justice, it's just different. I consider it a gift, of sorts, a human thing, that not everyone ever experiences. You shared in her grief in that moment, just like I did. It's been over 20 years, it never leaves, I can still hear it.
if you can afford it drop her off meal replacement things like drinks and bars, eating can be so hard at moments like these, you can do it with just a note and just say something like "I overheard and offer my condolences"
as a mom who had to take my child to the emergency room for a suicide attempt this past weekend, whatever you can do that isn’t invading her privacy, but can make her life easier such as meals, and if you want to leave gift cards of any sort in their mailbox. Cards are nice, maybe a gift certificate for someone to take care of their yard or whatever you can think of. She is not gonna be OK for a very long time.
I was on an airplane once waiting to be able to taxi to the gate and a woman across from me got a phone call. I vividly remember her saying “but my son knows how to swim, what do you mean he drowned?” Everyone who heard just froze with eyes wide, mouth open. After the phone call she seemed to be in a state of shock and kept ranting about how she needed to get off the plane and kept getting up. The flight attendants were awful and kept yelling at her to sit down, that she needs to wait. No one knew what to do and no one tried to comfort her, myself included. I think about that moment often, that was about 7 years ago.
Idk why but this story in particular haunts me worse than the others.
I think because the circumstances feel so… unremarkable? Just a totally relatable confusion, like that could be any mother of their child they know for sure can swim.
The cruelest moment of that woman’s life, and she’s literally trapped with no one knowing how to offer any sort of comfort (which I do understand, because… how? Like what is there to say?)
I can’t help wondering if the flight attendants were afraid - like they thought the woman might open the emergency exit and jump out of the plane or something. I can’t say I wouldn’t be considering that in her place.
I’m sure the phone call wasn’t intentionally this poorly timed, but this news shouldn’t have been delivered to her over a phone call that way…
and I mean… this shouldn’t exist, this shouldn’t be a thing that can happen to anyone ever.
I mean honestly I can’t believe our universe exists sometimes… that we live in this beautiful world and are gifted with these beautiful people… and they can be ripped from us, just like that.
Sometimes idk how to live with the knowledge of the possibility.
I was in the airport a couple years ago and TSA had just finished checking my luggage when suddenly this woman started screaming hysterically “WHERE IS MY SISTER I CANT FIND MY SISTER!” Everyone looked at her confused and security tried to calm her down but she was crying trying to explain that she brought her sister’s ashes with her and couldn’t find them. No one knew what to do. I felt so terrible for her but I didn’t know what to do either. I just hope she found her sister.
It’s the worst sound in the world. Especially when you’re the mother. It’s like the wail of your womb cries out in helpless despair. It’s horrific. There is NOTHING like the sound a mother makes when she loses a child.
Don't beat yourself up about it. Freezing is a normal response for a lot of people. Not everyone is a fighter or a flyer. This was a traumatic situation given you're still hearing her screams and feeling guilt over it. If this continues to bother you or you start having nightmares about it, I highly suggest therapy. A lot of people get traumatized by situations they are witnesses of. Like seeing someone get hit by a car or shot, this is the same type of thing. I hope you're able to deal with your emotions about this. I'm sending light and love to everyone involved.
I’m a paramedic and by far the worst part of my job has always been the screams of agony from loss. Parents are the worst.
Don’t feel guilty for your response- freezing is a very common reaction. This may sound bad but if EMS called it immediately, there is nothing you could have done for the poor kid. You saved yourself more trauma by avoiding seeing that scene.
If I were you, I would consider dropping off food/a care package with a kind sympathy card. You don’t need to say anything to the family directly.
I’m very sorry you had to hear that. Talk to loved ones about it, share it here, or even consider seeing a professional. These things are never easy for anyone.
Take care.
I have a friend who's a paramedic. He told me several times about the screaming. It is something you'll never get used to. Then he tells me about the worst trip that he ever went on. They pull up to this house and it is woman screaming they go in the house to find a husband dead of a heart attack on the living room floor. He says they do their thing but in the end he was dead before they even got there. He goes on to say that somewhere in all of this they kind of lost track of where the woman went. They got the husband covered up with a sheet on a stretcher wheeling him out the door. About halfway out the door they hear a big explosion like noise coming from the back bedroom. They freeze for a second then the cop takes off running down the hall towards the back bedroom. He said a few seconds later the cop come walking back up the hall real slow and looks dead in the face and said "You don't want to go in there, she used a 12 gauge." He told me that that was the closest that he ever come to quit.
Shotgun suicides are fucking awful. It’s one of those things that you seriously try to minimize the amount of people who see it. You rarely can do much for them so it’s a very eerie vibe just standing there.
I’ve never had a suicide *directly* after we had a death on scene but I have had 2 times where we got called to the same place shortly after because a loved one took their own life from the grief.
I don’t blame your friend for considering quitting. That’s an awful thing to experience.
I'm sorry, it's funny how noise of trauma can settle into your head. I can't unhear my mom finding out my grandfather died. I can watch horror, real gore, all of those things, but hearing the noise of true grief echos in my head. My advice? Try redirecting your focus when it comes around. Immediately turn on a song or show, at least until you can find yourself in a position to talk about it to someone. I agree with reaching out to the mother with kindness. It helps the guilt feeling, but the auditory memory is kind of hard to chase off without effort.
I’ve buried two siblings and six friends to suicide over the years. This was heartbreaking to read. I always say, “Check on your funny friends, check on your quiet friends and check on your strong friends.” All of us are fighting battles no one else can see.
I’m so sorry about the screams. I assure you I’ve made them myself and even I don’t recognize them. They come from your soul when your heart is breaking into irreparable pieces.
That is an absolutely insane number of close people to loose to suicide. I don’t know a single person who killed themselves. It’s just baffling to read. Sorry about your loss.
Knowing someone who completed suicide increases risk of suicide.
"Personally knowing someone who died by suicide was associated with suicidality outcomes for all age groups." https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3707992/
I remember the day we got a call about my uncle drowning. I live with my grandparents and I didn’t even need to hear the conversation to know what had happened. My grandpa had heard it from outside and came rushing in. A mother’s grief is in my opinion one of the worst sounds to hear. I was in my room and I didn’t come down for an hour, I didn’t know what to do, what to even say to her. It was almost easier when my aunt had passed because that at least was something that we knew the outcome before hand and could prepare and process.
We had a boy shoot himself in the bathroom in the school I work at.
Also, when I was about 10, our neighbor shot himself. I saw his oldest son hug his mom when the bodybag came out of the house.
I'm 45 and you don't forget these things.
The day my mother died, the person sharing the hospital room had been air lifted from a DUI accident. He asked where his friend (the passenger) is. The nurse told him his friend died. I can still hear that man’s cries.
I think this is something that has traumatized you, even if you don’t realize it yet. Do something nice for your neighbor, even if it’s just flowers. And try to get some therapy for yourself. Also don’t be hard on yourself. We can’t react perfectly in every situation and hindsight is always 20/20.
My best friend did it when we were 17. Her mother found her. Till this day I will never understand what her mom saw. In October, 23 years after her daughter did it, she did it. All this time she was never able to live with the guilt of “not being there” for her daughter. All this time, she was depressed over not having her only daughter, her oldest child anymore. And she hid it very very well.
I’m so sorry that you had to “witness” that. It’s a horrible thing, and a horrible feeling. But you did what a lot of people would have done. You froze. You didn’t know what to do. You didn’t know what was happening.
I heard my cross-the-road neighbour's toddler screaming for their mum and dad for a good couple of minutes before I called emergency. Cop came out. Parents had left 4 year old at home alone, kid had crawled out dog door and got out in yard and panicked.
The cop then complained that I should have called CPS instaed of police. I asked if CPS have authority to enter a property and how was I to know the nature of the emergency without trespassing myself? Cop got pissy at that. Left me in a sour mood.
An officer who once brought my brother home from school after he got high and couldn't function. Then, brought my mom a pie after he was the reporting officer on scene from my brother's suicide. He said it's a tradition in his family. He hugged my mom for 30 minutes straight. Maybe get em a pie and give em a hug if they want one. My mom needed one.
This is a strangely relatable story for me -
As a teen, I was cleaning up fallen apples when I heard the absolute wails of my two ~60yo neighbors, a husband and wife who had their son and 2 grandkids living with them (not the sons children, large family). Their screams chilled my soul, but we assumed it was an argument or something and didnt do anything. Our landlord rode by on his 4 wheeler to ask if I knew what was happening - after I said no he went to check it out and not 2 minutes later was FLYING across the field at top speed. Cue sirens.
My neighbors ~30yo son had hung himself and was discovered by their entire family coming home from church.
This moment in my life is seared into my brain, and as someone with bipolar disorder, I think of the impact his death had on them every time my depression swings get the better of me. I never want my family to experience that.
My neighbors are still alive, still caring for all the random kids from their extended family, but within a few months they each had aged a couple decades - they both developed fully white hair and lost an insane amount of weight. Honestly it's haunting to look at them, knowing what they went through had this effect.
To anyone else who struggles with suicidal idealation - read these stories. This is what we would leave behind. Push through and get help, just to save your loved ones from these poor peoples fates.
I’ve struggled with the thought of suicide since I was 9 years old. I’m 24 now, and occasionally I find stories like these across my Reddit page.
I am grateful for the people who share their stories. It is such a heart-wrenching thing to read, and my body always feels cold and heavy having imagined these terrible things.
My mother is the warmest, kindest, most loving woman I have ever met. Her smile lights a room, and she will be the first person to help another soul, whoever they may be, even if it costs her the shirt off her back. I grew up doing lots of charity work every year because she wanted to find ways to help her community. Snd every August, she does a random act of kindness for other people every single day to celebrate her birthday. With no money, she still finds a way to send me food and medicine when I am struggling. And always she is supportive and loving.
God. I could never do something so terrible to her. She is the strongest woman I know, but it is a battle I could never dream of putting her through. And I know that the day I lose her will be one of the hardest of my life. No matter how difficult my struggles have been, and no matter how agonizing each breath is to take… I simply cannot hurt her in this way.
Not just her. My dad. He has never let me go without. He is a very rational person and very left-brained. Not very emotional or feel-y, the very opposite of my mother in that sense. But he loves me so much, and he checks on me all of the time. He helps to support me when I cannot support myself, and sends me pictures of his cat. It took me awhile to realize he speaks his love language differently than my mom and I do, but seeing how much he cares is truly a gift.
I could go on forever. My stepdad, my sister. Reading these stories always leads to me imagining how they would respond. And it breaks my heart. More than once, I have broken down crying or sobbing for these strangers. And I cry for myself, too, and my family. It seems so selfish. I guess it is. But it gives me the ability to hang in there awhile longer.
I guess a long rant to say thank you. Thank you for sharing. I hope you find healing and peace, and I hope happiness graces your life in all kinds of ways. Cheers to you.
Hang in there my friend. Always around if you need a strangers ear. I've recently found a lot of solice in the song "I'm Sorry" by Joyner Lucas. Highly recommend giving it a listen and reading the lyrics - its powerful.
You have nothing to feel guilty for. I think an awful lot of people would have responded exactly as you did. Please consider talking to a professional because this is such a traumatic experience and it's clearly playing on your mind.
I know the kind of screams you mean, I heard them once in a hospital twenty years ago and they still haunt me.
Please take care of yourself.
My mother in law called me after she found my sister in laws body. They sound of her voice is something I can never unhear. It is often the start of my nightmares. I am so sorry. Please see a therapist, it is a very traumatic experience and they can help you work through it so it doesn’t consume your every waking thought.
I second that you should do something nice now. Food for the family is especially nice at a time of mourning. Maybe something they can quickly heat with minimal effort. It will be very much appreciated by them, and I also think you will feel much better about it too.
This is a sound you'll never forget or mistake ...I worked in a level 1 trauma center and the scream and cries from a mother that just lost her child is unbearable, unmistakable and haunting.
As a parent, finding my child dead is my worst nightmare. Moreso if it was by suicide. And for her to have to deal with a bloody mess on top of that is immensely traumatic.
It's a terribly sad thing to deal with, even as a bystander. If you need it you might find talking to someone will help.
I once heard screaming coming from down the hall at the office I worked in right out of college. A woman came dashing out and collapsed. After much talking to her I learned that she just found out her 45 year old sister had just been found dead. I don't think I will ever get that sound out of my head either.
Play [Tetris](https://theconversation.com/can-playing-tetris-help-prevent-ptsd-if-youve-witnessed-something-traumatic-226736#:~:text=The%20current%20evidence%20of%20Tetris,to%20reduce%20subsequent%20intrusive%20memories) no joke. Click link for explanation. I'm so sorry.
I have been going through a stressful situation that would normally leave me incapacitated with anxiety but I’ve been playing Tetris or Bejeweled whenever I feel myself start to spiral and it’s legitimately helping. It’s like the part of my brain that wants to fixate and think a problem to death can’t latch on when I’m Tetris-ing. It may not work for everyone but I highly suggest trying it.
I second this. Tetris in any trauma situation. It has been proven to change how memories are stored so it’s less traumatic. Download an app. Play Tetris. Everyone should know about this.
Please please please get into therapy.
This will sneak up on you. Process with a professional.
I did a lot of years in EMS and I know that absolutely bone deep wail of grief you're talking about.
You have nothing to feel guilty for. I think an awful lot of people would have responded exactly as you did. Please consider talking to a professional because this is such a traumatic experience and it's clearly playing on your mind.
I know the kind of screams you mean, I heard them once in a hospital twenty years ago and they still haunt me.
Please take care of yourself.
So very sad. When I was about 12, my next door neighbor’s daughter was visiting them with her 2-year-old daughter. They were all sitting out in the front porch when a family friend stopped out front. They were walking to his car to greet them when he broke the news that her husband had been killed in a car crash. It was 60 years ago, but I still can hear her screams of anguish. It was absolutely heartbreaking.
I experienced something similar to this. I woke up to screams coning from my neighbours house, it was around 5am and everything was silent so when they discovered their sibling dead in bed, I could hear every so clearly. The mother wailing was the worst part, like you don't hear that kind of crying often, it's so raw and heart wrenching ... like the sound of the deepest pain possible. I'll never forget that sound.
You need counselling asap. Hindsight is a wonderful thing I’m sure we’ve all wished we possessed at some point or another. Your reaction was completely normal- many people, including myself, would probably have been going through exactly the same thought processes in this situation. You’ve nothing to feel guilty about. I hope you and your friend can work through this together 💕
First, I’m so so sorry that happened and it’s on a loop in your mind. If you have an opportunity and the funds look into EMDR therapy. We all have a library of memories - some of them (traumatic ones like this) can get stuck like a book open all the time.
EMDR isn’t simply talking about what happened. It really helps your brain to put that book away. To take the emotional charge and immediacy out of it. To make it easier to still recall but not to play like a broken record.
Up to you :) but it’s something that has helped me for 2 traumatic experiences in my life.
This is really tough. The hard and cruel way is to say suicide is selfish. In reality this young boy was hurting so much, he not only took his life. But did so in a way that will scar, mom, witness 2, OP and friend and countless others. This is a really sad situation
Oh man I can't even imagine and definetly understand the shock and not knowing what to do. It's absolutely not the same but my neighbor I heard her scream and it was so awful and heard her call for her son I was thinking oh my gosh did one of his children get by a car what I am about to run out to see, thankfully wasn't the children but her dog was hit and killed by a car but those screams messed me up for days I can't not even fathom if it was a person. Im so sorry OP
Be kind to yourself. It'd be a tough situation for anyone, let alone a teen. You like to think you'll know what to do, but the reality is the body and brain physiologically react in ways you can't expect, much less control.
Hi OP. First, I’m so sorry you experienced this. Even while indirectly, this is still a trauma exposure. You are absolutely entitled to the array of feelings you are likely experiencing - from asking why did you have to be exposed to that, to feeling guilty for being nearby, to being angry, and 876 feelings and thoughts on between.
Secondhand trauma (STS) exists. I suffer from it, have for 16+ years due to my career. I had no idea it had a name, nor did I have any idea other people experienced this too.
Not here to push therapy or meds or anything like that. I only ask that you be gentle with yourself because even if you don’t know these people personally, this was still a very significant trauma you were exposed to. Take care of yourself. Try to eat well, sleep when you can, talk to people in your circle who love and support you.
That is so completely and utterly tragic. I’m so sorry for the mom and I’m tearing up right now.
You are kind and reacted how anyone with a sensitive heart would. But you care, and that’s a lot. There are terrible people in the world laughing at pictures of babies who died violently in war zones as we speak, you actually care(d). You are a good person.
One of the worst things in nursing is that “wail” that people do when they realize their loved one has unexpectedly died. It is absolutely heart wrenching. It never gets better when you hear it. I’m sorry you experienced that.
As for freezing, cut yourself a break. What’s happening in the world today is very different than even 5 years ago so hesitating or freezing in response to a crisis is a self-preservation thing. Once you’ve been through this the first time, and analyzed it in your mind, you may be better able to react in a way you think is better if there is a next time. The reality is that every situation is different and without a context to each event it is hard to know what action to take. So, be gentle with yourself.
Please find out the number for NON emergency 911 in your area and program it in your phone. I have used it for everything from a mattress in the road. To someone passed out? Dead? Sleeping? On a sidewalk. It takes the pressure off but still lets authorities know.
I was the first phone call from my father when he found my brother dead a little over 2 months ago. I’ll never forget his words or my stepmothers guttural screams. There is nothing to do in these situations. Nothing in the moment will help.
Kindness now will though. Maybe stop by with a plant or something to express condolences. I’m sure they’ll be appreciated.
Please reach out to a doctor or a friend and don't let this overwhelm you. The intrusive thoughts are horrid and real. I've never heard this scream but have been told about it. I am a mother. I hope I never go through this.
Get help. What you heard was traumatising. You need to be able to process it.
That scream hey? I heard that the day my neighbour got the call that her husband had been killed in a workplace accident.
Went outside but didn't see anything and figured it must have been some kids being stupid because that kind of stuff doesn't happen around here, did it?
4 days later, his mum come over to tell me and I put it all together. But that scream. I'll never unhear that.
I feel for you buddy.
43 years later and I can still hear my friend/neighbor's mom's unhuman screams and cries as she wandered into the road after finding her son's body after he took his life.
i remember hearing about when they found my partner's body, his mom fainted. when we found his truck and my dad found a receipt for what my partner used to take his life he didn't know how to tell her. when his four year old brother found out a week later his scream is something you could never forget. these were all after it happened, the police found his body and didn't need anyone to identify him because his tattoos matched. i can’t imagine what it'd be like physically finding the body. seeing your whole world disappear.
i think it would mean a lot to her if you did stop by, even if just with a card and some words of support, letting her know in that moment she wasn't entirely alone, i think that would've comforted me to hear.
Normal reaction on your part. You did not need to call the police or go over. That gun was still there and the family were upset. You could easily have been shot. And you did not know what was happening, really. So not knowing what to do or whether to call the police is perfectly understandable.
You are exhibiting a trauma response. Especially hearing her repeatedly in your head.
It’s okay to seek therapy. You probably feel as though it should not be you that needs it. But it clearly is.
I think you ought to talk to someone before going over. Talk about it first and ask advice as to how to handle it before, during, and after so as not to make it worse.
When I was 15, I saw someone jump from a viaduct, they landed no more than 20 or so metres from me… at first I thought it was a pile of clothes being thrown from a train window… then, about 3 years ago, whilst driving home from work, I saw someone else jump from a bridge over a busy road.
Whilst horrible things to witness, I would say that nothing comes close to what you heard OP. There is something very different about hearing the desperation and panic in someone’s voice.
If you can, I would check out free counselling sessions available in your area.
The same thing happened to my mom. She was home alone and she heard the upstairs’ neighbours come home. They found their only son dead, hung at the top of the stairs… He was only 18 and just broke up with his first girlfriend. My mom heard the whole thing, the police, the ambulance etc. She told me after she felt like an intruder in this horrific moment. Even years later she is still traumatized by it. You need to talk about it, you witness a terrible scene even if you didn’t experience it firsthand. Take care of yourself !
I’m sorry that happened, I remember hearing someone talk about being at a party and the parents came home to find one of their daughters had committed suicide. They said they would never forget their screams. Suicide is always a tragedy, I don’t think there’s anything you could have done. Even if you had called immediately or run over there, nothing can console someone right after a loss like that. Sending so much love to that poor family.
I would say taking care of practical things is what I’ve wanted most when I’m not doing okay. Make them some oven ready meals, make them nutritious and delicious cause people lose their appetite after tragedy. Soup is easy to get down, maybe a minestrone full of veggies.
Also, consider telling them (not asking, people don’t want to be a burden) you or other neighbors will get the mail and drop it off on their porch. You will mow their lawn in a few weeks, etc. Give them the option to say no, but don’t make them ask. Don’t expect to talk or catch up if you come around to help them. If they want to talk, they’ll come to you.
I’m sorry again for what you’ve heard. I wish suicide wasn’t such a struggle but I get it. I wish that young man would have kept fighting, but I get it. Best we can do now is honor his memory by being kind to everyone, you never know what they’re fighting.
“To hear a mother howling is to believe all humans are animals and all animals are built to grieve.”
I’m so sorry you had to experience this. I know you feel worse for the mom but you went through a trauma too. Hearing that is awful.
I just want you to know, that I know how it feels to just feel like you need to get a story out. Like maybe you can’t get clean until you’re able to tell it. I know how it is to experience something no one else will understand and not knowing who to retell the story to.
I hope you feel just a little better being able to share this with us and reading all of our comments. You still went through something traumatic, don’t try and make it seem like it isn’t a big deal because it is and your feelings about this are so very real.
Here’s a hand squeeze from across the internet. You’re not the only one to hear this awful noise.
I’ve had loved ones commit suicide, and honestly, knowing someone was there to hear my heart break would have somehow made me feel a little better, and less alone.
When someone dies, it’s so freaking hard that time just goes on. It feels like it should stop, or at least slow down, but it doesn’t. The world keeps spinning and the sun sets and then it comes back up and doesn’t all over again and it just feels so…. Idk, disrespectful that time keeps moving.
But just for a moment, your world stopped too. You stood there with her in that frozen moment, and you experienced her horror and her pain and you were there too. All we want is to know that we’re not alone. Thank you for being there when her world stopped so that she wasn’t alone. (Even if she doesn’t know it, I do, we all do, and that means everything)
Well damn. I read the title and literally needed to go take a Xanax. Didn’t realize I was something I’ll always be carrying was still so heavy, I guess.
Hope you’re doing ok, OP
Drop off some food and a card. Maybe with your number to call if they need anything, like food or a stop by the grocery store. They won’t have the energy to do such things now.
Do not do it because of guilt, there’s nothing to feel guilty about. But to support them.
I'm going to get some hate for this, but it's a good thing you didn't go over.
I'm a Paramedic, and so have seen more than my fair share of things nobody should. You wouldn't have been able to help the kid, and you'd have just scarred yourself further. Those screams are the worst sound to be heard.
Offer your help and support to them if you can, as many have suggested already.
But also, take care of yourself too
Send a card or leave some food--unfortunately, some people have less empathy for people who commit suicide. People who would have supported her if he'd been in a car crash may shy away now, so if you are wanting to do something supportive, that's what I would do.
I found my son dead. It was such a dissociative experience…I could hear my screaming but wasn’t sure who was screaming. It’s like I watched it happen from the ceiling. But I agree with the top comment. Send food, a card, flowers, something. She’ll be grieving the rest of her life.
Don’t worry. I was there (in my own)and was so lost in my own mind I didn’t even THINK about hugging my mom.
I had been taking a nap that afternoon, knowing I was working the next day when I woke up to yelling. I got up, saw my mom on the driveway and when she turned around tears were streaming down her face. (Youngest son, 13 years old ) shot himself!
I stayed out of the way. He was still alive at that point. I turned around, not wanting to see what he looked like.
I’m sorry you had to experience that and I’m sorry for the family of the person involved in this terrible situation. If you’re in position discuss this with a therapist. There’s a very good chance you’ll never unhear that so to speak. Just as you assumed might be the case.
Therapy. When I did my first ER clinicals in schools I saw something horrifying and therapy the next day helped me function again. Just immediately told myself to get help so I can be able to help others. The sooner the better.
Oh god. That is horrible.
I am so sorry for everyone involved, including you.
This hit me in the feels because that’s the name of one of my kids too. 😭
Suicide is the worst.
What were you seriously going to do? Rewind time?
I heard the same scream you did, only in an ER while waiting with my sister who thought she broke her ankle.
It was obvious to everyone in the waiting room, a mother and father just lost their child in an accident of some sort. Absolutely the worst sound imaginable. No Hollywood acting has ever come even 1/10th as close to that sound.
It stayed with me for a very long time, so will this for you. You will come to terms with it eventually that it wasn't your doing, or your business to hear, and there was nothing you could have personally done to help or change it.
A very similar story happened to my mom. She called me one day out of the blue and asked me if I was using drugs again and I asked why she was asking me that and she told me about the next door neighbor girl whose parents bought her the house and had only been living there for a short time was found dead laying in the driveway from a drug overdose. Her mom found her and let out some very distraught screams and my mom had heard her. It definitely upset my mom, I could tell she was still shaken up by it.
Imagining my mom's reaction upon finding me dead was the very thing that kept me from committing for 9 years, it still does. I don't ever want to cause her pain like that, same goes for my dad and my sister. I'm genuinely so sorry to hear this happened and that you had to witness it. As others said, it might make her, as well as her family feel better to know someone gave a shit and get some sort of support, whether anonymous or not. It's up to you if you want to do it though, since consoling a grieving person, a mother even, can be tough on you as well. It takes energy and I'd assume your mental stability so it doesn't affect you too much if she has an episode or anything. That is if you decide to be in their life more than just an occasional card or food.
If you feel the need to do something for her, bring over an easy to heat up meal, like a casserole or lasagna or something similar she can just throw in the oven. When grieving the last thing you want to do is cook, I'm sure she'd appreciate the gesture.
a few months ago i woke up to a neighbor outside screaming bloody murder for help. i went outside with my bf, and the neighbor (mid 20s M) was screaming that his baby wasn’t breathing and to call the police. before i could walk inside to get my phone an ambulance pulled up and the neighbor ran his baby outside, and the baby was very obviously deceased. it was the most heart wrenching thing i have ever witnessed, the screams and the sight of the baby. the most you can do is offer your condolences or maybe leave some food. i’m so sorry you had to go through that OP
At least once a season on all the murder channel shows, you hear a law enforcement official or medical personnel speak about the sound that parents, generally the moms, but not always, make upon seeing their dead child. You can see it in their faces. Faces that have gone pale, even under makeup. And how it haunts them to this day. Hardened police officers who have seen the worst that humanity has to offer are deeply affected, and you can tell just by looking at them that a little bit of that horror is still active on a daily with them.
When you feel comfortable approaching the family, please keep in mind that you are not reminding them of their loss to ask about their son. They don't need to be reminded; they face this horror every day. Ask if they would link to share ay stories or favorite memories. Give them a chance to talk and listen.
There is nothing like hearing a mother scream after discovering their dead child. It's a bone chilling, blood draining, instant tears scream. You can actually feel the bond being shattered through their wails of pain.
I'm sorry you had to hear this. I have heard it many times working in an ER. It is part howl, part scream, part soul being ripped out of their body. There really is no way to truly describe it, and unfortunately, you will never forget it.
If you end up struggling with your feelings about this, please seek a professional to help process these feelings.
You can still be there for her. Cook dinner and bring her some. Take trash bins up to the curb for her. Mow her lawn. Help clean up the scene so she doesn’t have to do it alone.
I- unfortunately know what it’s like. Having the scream trapped in your mind. It’s horrible, I was 8 when my mothers life was taken too soon, and my uncle found the body when he was doing a wellness check. (She was from an abusive relationship. Me, my sister loved with our grandma. Only our brother lived with our mother.) I remember looking out side the front window because I heard crying- it’s like the cartoons were no longer loud enough to block it out.
The scream from my grandmother, of a woman that lost her only daughter when she was told. When they finally thought she was safe. I’ll never forget it even 16 years later.
You can still be kind now, even days later. Drop off food for the family. Leave them a card. Send your sympathy. They will be grieving for years.
They will grieve forever. Don’t forget. Leave a card on this day, next year, too. Parents who survive their child’s death or suicide walk a lonely, cold road that is even their beloved friends and family can’t walk with them, and often times they end up abandoning the surviving parent as well. I never got to take my firstborn home from the hospital after he was born, he went straight to the funeral home. One of the things that shocked me the most was how abruptly the care stopped. People don’t ask. They don’t send cards. They don’t use his name. But we still remember that day 3 years later, it’s imprinted on our hearts forever. You’re a caring soul, OP.
I'm so sorry for your horrible loss. I lost my twins to stillbirth too. And I completely agree with you. I wish people would say their names or say something on their day. Hugs to you 💕
I’m so sorry for your tragic loss as well - twins, what a blessing. It’s so interesting how I don’t even know what to say to other bereaved parents because of how devastating it is, it takes my breath away each time. Hugs to you too, friend 🤍🤍🤍
I have my trauma, but having a stillborn is my worst nightmare. I've had miscarriages, but I honestly can not imagine how awful that would be. I'm truly so sorry to you & every parent who suffered unimaginable loss on a day that should be the happiest of their life. The fact you're still here, commenting on Reddit about your story to empathise with someone else, shows how amazing and strong you are. 🩷 I wish you nothing but happiness in your future, as much as you can have after your experience. If you are a hugger, I'm sending hugs 🫂 if not, I'm sending thoughts too 🩷 Edit; I'm sorry if I have come across as diminishing those who went through a MC or multiple MC's. I know how awful they are, and my thoughts are also with all AFAB people who have gone through it & their partners :( 🩷
I’m so very sorry for your losses… pregnancy loss is so isolating. I had a MMC extremely early on, and the experiences are definitely different. But at the end of the day, you’re grieving a unique soul and a dream and faith in your body, your medical team, the list goes on… fertility, pregnancy, and birth trauma are some of the least understood grievances out there imo. I think it’s easy for folks to write off the loss as “not that bad” since the baby wasn’t born yet. But a mother is preparing for her baby the second she knows about the life inside of her. Dads are too. I’m sending you a big hug and the sincerest thank you for sharing your story and the kindness you’ve sent my way. I’m hesitant about bringing this up too often on Reddit because inevitably someone will disagree with an unrelated comment I’ve left and attack my post history. But frankly I don’t care. My story deserves to be heard, as does everyone’s, and nobody can hurt me as deeply as I’ve already been hurt. Sending love. 💕💞💓
I lost my twins to a late MMC. I've been through so much, but that was the hardest thing I've ever been though. I've got a pretty big family, and only two of us have had lost a baby. My sister, as sweet as she is, has said some incredibly insensitive things during my current pregnancy. About how once I have my son things will be easier, how I'll be less scared my next pregnancy, how the bad memories will fade. She doesn't understand I'll never forget my daughters. I carried them and will always carry them. I had them cremated, and they will always be remembered and loved. By both my husband and I.
Wow! I could have written that myself. We cremated our baby boy, too. I’ll never forget carrying his engraved urn out, and how deeply I pressed my hands into the etchings of his name just so I could feel something that connected me to him. It is such a tiny urn, but it felt and still feels so incredibly heavy in my hands. 😔 I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious twins. That is devastating. I had a hard time with my sister too. She got pregnant 8 months after my loss and ended up massively resenting me for not jumping for joy over her pregnancy and having a hard time being around her healthy, live, newborn baby. She still resents me to this day so I’ve minimized contact. I would have preferred our daughters grew up together, but unfortunately some people have to rush sweep other peoples tragedies under the rug for their own selfish benefit. As a sister, I know that pain stings deeper than most. Hugs from one grieving sister to another 🫂
I chose to have my girls put in the same little heart shaped urn. They were always together and it seemed to wrong to separate them at that point. I have a little locket with a bit of their ashes in it I always wear, I don't like being without them. They were my first babies and always will be. My sister has a tendency to be toxicly positive. I've expressed to her how I feel I can't trust my body, and how it hurts to see happy healthy babies. She's a bit older than me, her daughter is my age. My niece was pregnant the same time I was, and had her third healthy baby after I lost mine. My sister had the hardest time understanding I just couldn't be around my niece afterwards. Which meant I didn't got to Thanksgiving, Christmas, or her baby shower. My sister thought I resented my niece for having a healthy pregnancy, which was never the case. It took her quite some time to understand I just wished that it could have been me too celebrating my daughter's coming into the world. She tried pulling the "it should be different with family/you need to be here because of family". I told her it didn't matter, it hurt be it seeing a happy baby in the grocery store or it being my niece and her daughter. My husband helped me through everything, even though he was just as crushed as I was. He didn't know miscarriages were so common, or that there was such a thing as a MMC. While it's painful to talk about, and I'm sure always will be, I think it needs to be done. So many people just don't understand how common it is to have fertility issues and infant loss. I'm so sorry you've had to endure and go through something so similar to us. It's not something I'd ever wish on anyone. I wish you healing and peace in your future, big hugs 🫂
I'm so sorry 😩 I appreciate your kind message. 🫂
I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy- I forever have a baby in the cemetery.
I am so sorry. Words always seem so inadequate
They help, though. Thank you so much.
Your twins and u/muvamerry 's firstborn only knew love. I give hugs and condolences for both of your losses.
🥹 thank you so much. You’re a kind soul and I’d love to hug you back. I love your username btw :)
Yes, they will grieve until they are grieved.
I lost my husband when I was 28 and one woman I knew from my childhood church sent a card like 4 months later, saying she’d waited until the busy-ness had calmed down to remind me that she was still thinking about me. I have remembered this every time I’ve sent a sympathy card. The reality sets in right when everyone is expecting you to be better. Hugs 💕
I’m never certain if this will be okay to do: sending a card near the event of course is expected, but later, just a note to say I’m “thinking of you” and the loved one they lost? I worry that they’ll get my note on a day when they’re feeling pretty okay for the first time in a while, and my note will bring them down again. I’m glad to hear you say it was welcome.
They are always thinking of the loss. And it will feel like the rest of the world has forgotten or moved on. Even if they cry, that’s ok.
This. Crying isn’t bad. It’s a release of human emotion. Sometimes I listen to a sad song because I want to cry and feel close to my grief. Then I can move on with my day ❤️🩹
I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s absolutely devastating. What a thoughtful gesture from your family friend ❤️🩹 sending you hugs 🫂🤍
"Parents who survive their child’s death or suicide walk a lonely, cold road that is even their beloved friends and family can’t walk with them, and often times they end up abandoning the surviving parent as well." Words spoken of an awful truth; I felt the terrible separation in what you wrote. So sad for you and your son, I think we all struggle terribly to understand what someone such as yourself goes through with such an occurrence. Maybe folks feel the pain is something you would wish to see vanish and so say nothing? Or that what they may say will be the "wrong" thing? Not to excuse, just that I know how difficult it is to speak on these occasions though my heart wishes it. I hope these days find you with some closure and that there others now walking your "lonely, cold road" in support.
I really appreciate the thoughts — I really do agree. I read the book “it’s ok you’re not ok” on grief, and the author’s theory is that people are so wildly uncomfortable with grief and loss because subconsciously they *want to believe they’d be okay if it happened to them.* Deep down, everyone knows they’ll experience loss someday, in some form. Everyone hopes it’s an event you experience, and then you pick up the pieces and move on. When they realize and see that doesn’t happen I think they just can’t cope. And I absolutely empathize with not knowing what to say. I don’t even know what to say sometimes. It’s the toughest thing int the world to truly sit with someone else’s pain and just experience it with them, without trying to rush them to feel better. “The only way to the otherside is through.” I do feel better these days. I grieve in random moments but not every second of the day like the months following my loss. I’ve also learned to give my loved ones grace, just like I needed in my times of grief as well. Sending hugs. Thanks for your kindness. 🤍
“The only way to the other side is through.” Oh, my dear, you have walked that road. Thank you for the update, the healing words and the hugs. Here's some in return, feel free to share as needed.
Oh sweetheart. Tell me, what is your son’s name? Did he have that scrunchy newborn hair? Did you get to spend time with him? He will be added to the memories in my heart.
🥹 thank you for asking. His name was Christopher. We spent the better part of 12 hours with him until he let us know it was time to say goodbye. He had the thickest, curliest head of hair. He had my eyes and his dad’s nose. I appreciate your warmth and kindness, internet friend. Happiest of cake days 💕
Sweet precious Christopher. May he dance amongst the stars until you meet together again. Thank you for sharing him with me. His curls and his sweetness will be remembered.
Because I know people who have experienced the same loss as you, I always ask Facebook to remember the Loss Mothers on Mother's Day.
Send Mother’s Day flowers every year. My son witnessed his friends accidental death and sends his friends mom Mother’s Day flowers Every year. She admitted it was hard at first, but appreciated that she was thought of on such a hard day.
That’s so devastating, I’m sorry to your son and to the child’s parents. It’s so hard to receive flowers for something so tragic. But the fact that people care, as you said, is what matters ❤️🩹 you raised a great son :) his empathy and compassion will bring him far in life.
It was definitely a tragic thing. He went through therapy to help him learn to live with the memories and PTSD, survivors guilt etc. his family was so kind looking out for him afterwards when they had so much to sort out for themselves. The night it happened, his friend had talked about how he was so lucky to have his family and that they had been great when he had been depressed and suicidal previously. So my son was able to share that message with his family which was probably the most comforting gift he could share thought it.
That’s so powerful - I’m so glad your son’s friend confided that to him. Again, speaks volumes to the kind of person your boy is. I’m glad you got him into therapy and he’s able to continue living his life. I’m sure his friend would have wanted that ❤️🩹
I had a friend-of-a-friend whose 21yo son killed himself, and for the rest of her life, five days in the year were especially hard for her: Mother’s Day, his birthday, the anniversary of his death, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I didn’t know her well, but my friend did, and he would always call her up or send a note on those days, and sometimes he even went to visit her. I hadn’t really realized before how many holidays can be permanently wrecked if you lose a child.
We had to deliver the news of a still birth to some friends, the parents asked if we could reach out to a couple close friends. I’ll never forget the scream that came from our friend when we told him. I never know if I’m supposed to. Being honest I don’t want to bring up a terrible moment in someone’s life but we still remember him. His ultrasound goes up on our ofrenda every year. I haven’t told his parents. He hasn’t been forgotten, I just don’t want to make anyone sad.
You’re such a thoughtful friend. I’ll never forget my mother’s wail on the phone when I told her. She told my sister; I couldn’t do anymore. And my husband’s stepfather repeating “there’s nothing to say, but I want to say everything…” over and over. I promise you, you won’t make anyone sad. They are feeling it on their hearts and it’s in the back of their minds constantly. Nobody has ever made me sad reaching out about my boy. In fact it’s those moments I can find a bit of joy in the fact that I *am* his mother, and I get to display the immense amount of love his father and I have for him when folks bring him up. I totally understand the sentiment, but even a simple “I’m thinking of you and baby’s name. You’re always in our hearts” goes such a long way. You won’t regret it and neither will your friends. :)
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for your partner as well. My mother lost at 7, 8 and 9 months. RH factor. She made a scene in the nursery about holding my sister Catherine so they just left her alone. They probably thought my mother was a lunatic back then. I'm 58 and Catherine (her second born) lived 24 hours. So it was back in the day where everything was secret, hidden. I had no idea it is still that way as well, to the degree you're describing. How sad. I'm very sorry for your loss. Hugs to you. Thank you for bringing awareness to it.
I’m so extremely sorry for your mother’s loss, and the loss of your siblings. One of the things I’m dreading the most is telling my daughter about her big brother. I want her to know and she will of course, but that’s a lot for a kid to process and handle. Babies shouldn’t die. Both of my pregnancies ended with a placental abruption. We were lucky enough to catch it this time (even though the nurses told me to stay home!) and thankfully she’s sleeping in my arms now. I’m so glad your grief stricken mother got to hold her baby. It is so barbaric they wouldn’t allow that back in the days. I’ve heard many stories of mothers who have no photos, or only one of their babies. Utterly tragic. I’m lucky to have some photos and keepsakes 💔 Rest in peace to your sweet Catherine and my Christopher. Until we meet again🤍🤍 ETA thank you for the condolences for my husband, his father, as well. It was really shocking to see the card from the medical staff and they by and large only addressed me, the mom, by name. Dads absolutely grieve too. He was right by my side for every appointment and for the delivery as well. He misses his son the same as me.
So well said, thank you.
And so are you. I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope people are kind to you the way you're using your profound tragedy to teach others to be.
I am so sorry.
Thank you so much 🙏🏻
I’m so sorry for your loss. 22 years ago we never got to bring my daughter home either - you will never forget. After the funeral people move on, even my own parents and siblings….but I still think about her every single day.
Yeah this is a never ending thing, I was 7 when my sister comitted suicide, she was 19-21 not positive, not a single day goes by that I don't think about it. Can't even imagine what it's like for my parents. It was years before I didn't see them crying on a daily basis. Years before they were parents who were there for me and my surviving siblings again, not that I blame them, but, my feelings towards my sister are lets put this way "mixed" one day I miss her, next day I hate her for what she did to us, the next day I think about how much pain she must have been in, these feelings can all happen in seconds too it's a never ending cycle you just kind of carry on cause you have to
I love the card next year idea. When a child dies the world keeps going. It's very hard to live knowing this. Intellectual I understand it but it's a mind fuck emotionally. Been 8 years last April. We have never gotten a card since the first month or so.
I’m so sorry for your loss🥺 My mom lost my brother to still birth and my mom was depressed for so many years afterwards. I was a very young child and I remember how ostracized she felt. I hope your life is okay now💜
I’m so sorry for your loss and for your mother’s deep pain. I can’t imagine my little girl going through expecting a sibling to suddenly her parents crippled in pain and no more baby brother ❤️🩹truly heartbreaking. Thank you so much though. We’ve lived and built life around our loss and my almost 6 month old is dozing on my chest as we speak. Be well🤍🤍🤍
Same to you and thank you!!!❤️💜❤️
I just want to offer you a perspective that maybe the people who've not said or done anything for you on the anniversary of the incident. Death is something I struggle with severely. I don't know how to handle grief and I try not to think about those that are gone. I can't even look at pictures. I don't want to think or talk about them. And to me, there's really nothing anyone can say or do that makes the situation any less traumatic, especially when it's a baby. I don't want to bring up the worst moment of someone's life. If they want to talk about it, I will let them bring it up when they want to.
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Food is a really good idea. When my grandad passed away, my neighbour made and brought over a big pot of chili. It was over 20 years ago, but I'll never forget that kindness. Just not having to worry about what was for dinner that night and getting it all cooked gave my family one less thing to worry about that night.
I have also brought over a lot of disposable plates, cups, utensils, napkins, etc instead of food because I think the last thing you would want to do would be dishes. And usually you have lots of people over. (I have lots of close people, but mainly from out of town so I have never had people bring me food)
Yes, wonderful idea too.
We had a loss in our family, while I was a youngish adult. Lots of people brought food. At first I was surprised to receive food and condolences as in the moment I wasn't thinking of food and thought it was odd. Then over days, we realized that our lack of hunger continued and we couldn't find it in ourselves to cook or even eat. The food people brought ended up meaning so much, as we could heat up some love-filled soup to get nutrients, even if we didn't have appetite. It really moved me then and afterwards when we emerged from grieving. I still carry the love people brought to us in the form of food. I didn't know it at the time, but it was what we needed. I now know that food can help so much after a tragedy (no doubt the lesson already learned by those who brought us food).
This is a really good idea. During times of grief you cannot think straight enough about taking a shower let alone eating. A lasagna or dish like that would be amazing. Maybe a platter from the grocery store if you don't cook and grab them some sides to go with it. If you have a local bakery that is always nice to drop off something like that as another option. I've done the bakery recently and it went over really well. You can also offer up a prayer, even if you don't believe. Lord please protect this persons family, especially their mother. Thank you, please bless them, Amen. I'm sorry you had to go through this. It was a traumatic event for you. Hugs dear.
One thing I do whenever someone suffers a life altering event, even if temporarily, is leave a card, flowers, and a gift card for a food delivery service. No matter what you do it hits all the bases. A card for sympathy and showing you care, flowers to brighten their life even if for a short period of time, and food they don’t have to cook. I know that when someone has a new baby it might be a joyous occasion but their hands are full dealing with baby stuff and house is probably a mess so flowers make it a little prettier. They won’t have the energy to make food, so gift card. The card is something you can hold as a keepsake. Then when someone has a child die, it’s sort of the same but the chaos is within. Nothing matters. There’s no energy to make food. There’s no energy to clean. It’s cruel that the world is going on when yours has stopped completely. Having someone acknowledge that with a card of sympathy makes emotional sense. Getting flowers can remind you the world isn’t just a pit of utter despair. The gift card lets you eat when the idea of cooking something seems like climbing mount everest without a guide. A friend of mine who has had both things happen to them in a span of five years mentioned to me that I sent the same “care package” that I did for their new baby and for their one that didn’t make it. They told me it would have hurt if it wasn’t both kind and practical both times. This led us having a weird moment where we talked about having a new and overwhelming thing has almost the same affect on a person if it’s good or bad. And no matter what we humans do, for whatever reason it comes with a card, flowers, and food. Even if different things come from different people.
There’s honestly nothing to do in that situation. As far as violating privacy, I doubt that’s even in the top 1000 things that woman was concerned about at the time. It’s only natural to react and pay attention when someone else is crying out like that. It’s pure instincts to do so.
100%. I sat on my stoop once because I heard arguing and yelling. I told myself if I heard “that scream,” I was going to my neighbors house to see what was up. There are certain screams/cries/things that will make me go into action. But OP did nothing wrong. Sometimes, if you’re not sure what’s going on, it’s safe to stay out of the way.
I was driving home one night from my work a couple years ago, waiting to turn left onto my road. Nothing out of the ordinary. Until the light turned green for the cars to my right, and a car coming perpendicular, turning out to be drunk, slammed into another car. I heard/saw the woman who crashed scream as she was launched into the air over the T boned car and skidded face first into the asphalt. I heard the people in other cars scream, people at the gas station scream. I gasped and sat completely shocked. I'll never unsee her lifeless body or all the blood on her face or unhear those screams. I've also heard someone frantically begging for their life, then gunshots around the corner of our street. Now in that parking lot at least 2 cops will sit there every day. Those memories don't go away. I didn't call the cops on the latter one, I froze like a few people say they've done. I wish I could've helped that person. But I could've gotten shot for intervening. I feel guilty though for living.
There is no way that you could have helped or prevented either, without potentially being harmed yourself. And you can still call the cops, anonymously to tell them what you know. Stay safe 🙏
One of my loved ones shot themselves in my childhood backyard. The neighbors hearing us discovering their body was absolutely the last thing on our minds
^ This. There was nothing criminal involved
Absolutely right
I carried my grandma out of my mother's funeral because she was crying and screaming. We all deal with things differently... It takes time to feel normal again. Some of the worst feelings in the world.
Children are supposed to arrange funerals for their parents. It's not supposed to be the other way around 😭
My grandma had to bury three of her daughters, two of them adults, one a victim of a crime. When my oldest aunt passed suddenly after a stroke the funeral was just... My grandma aged 10 years in a span of ten days, and when they lowered the casket into the ground one of the ropes slipped and the casket tumbled into the grave (thankfully it didnt open). The noises my grandma made at that were just something else, I dont even know how to describe it.
Oxy overdose got my mom at 47. It didn't feel real until I saw her laying in that casket. She let it take control of her life and it made me homeless at 17 and our relationship was pretty poor to say the least. I still regret not talking to her more. Reading her diary was the most heartbreaking thing... She just wanted to feel loved. And she didn't get it from her son. Life is hard.
It really is. I just wanted to remind you that it's not your fault and send a virtual hug (if that's OK). We're all ultimately just struggling, flawed humans trying to navigate life, and would probably all do things differently with the benefit of hindsight. I understand addiction so I feel sad for your mom, but I feel even sadder for you and all the weight on your shoulders from so young. While it's totally understandable to regret not spending more time with a loved one who's passed, sometimes it's just necessary self-preservation to distance yourself from someone who's using and self-destructing. It's also understandable if you were angry at the time and expressed that to her. It sounds like you have a lot of empathy for what your mom went through, so I hope you give yourself the same grace.
I am so sorry for your loss, and all the pain I read and feel in the comments. In my culture, parents are prevented from taking part in their children's funeral for this exact reason (among others, I guess). They can be present at home, or at church if they are christians, but they cannot attend the burial part. Both caring but also heartbreaking. May you find peace ❤️
I’m so sorry you experienced that. It’s traumatizing even as a bystander. It’s been over a decade since I stopped at the scene of an accident to help someone who died on impact and I can still hear one of the guys coworkers calling his name in my head. It was a desperate cry. And it still haunts me years later when I think back to it.
There is something absolutely horrific about the sound of a mother's grief. my own son died about 4 1/2 years ago- I remember being traumatized by the sounds I was making my own self - all I can say is that my grieving cry was keening, it was like my heart was removed. There was a hole torn in my soul.
I’m so sorry for your loss. The feeling I’m experiencing has absolutely nothing on what you or this woman have experienced and I’m so sorry.
As a fellow trauma survivor: you’re right, but also, trauma is trauma. You were affected too, just in a different way. Please don’t downplay that out of a sense of guilt or obligation — such well intended reactions, but your experience matters too. Just remember the [Ring Theory of Grief](https://www.google.com/search?q=Ring+Theory+of+Grief+a&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari) and you’re good. Discounting our own pain is what keeps us stuck and can eventually turn trauma (which is fairly common in the human experience) into PTSD. Get help and talk about it with appropriate people (again, refer to Ring Theory). The hearing the sound of her voice over and over again is your body’s way of trying to make sense of what happened and is completely normal. Talk to people about it and write about it. It will help. My heartfelt condolences to the OP above who lost their child and was commiserating with OOP.
I was going to mention Ring Theory but I see someone has already mentioned. Just know that secondary trauma is absolutely a thing and it's absolutely okay to talk to someone about it.
I'm just barely over a year out from losing my son. I'm still traumatized by the sounds I make. It's so hard to pull myself back from the brink of what feels like complete insanity. So I just try to hold it in as much as I can. Although I'm having a can't stop crying day again, the tears just flow. I'm so sorry you've suffered this loss too
I can only imagine that “complete insanity” sounds like the way to describe what you experienced. I’m so sorry for your loss! ❤️
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It is now 4 1/2 years since my boy passed away. The first two were absolutely dreadful. The third year was kind of slowly getting back to normal. And now I almost feel like myself again.
I am so sorry. Your loss is so recent and your grief must be so raw. My heart goes out to you
I'm so sorry for your loss. ❤️
The screams are horrible, it’s probably the worse part of that video I stumbled upon of the guy driving and a brick goes through the window and you can hear the scream of the husband after realizing what happened. It wasn’t even a gory video it was just mostly sound. Sticks with me to this day.
For me personally, I find that sound alone is often *worse* than having a visual. There are so many gaps for my imagination to fill in with things possibly even worse than reality, or to simply ruminate about, and having just the sound allows my mind to focus on and take it in fully. One case that illustrates how much sound effects me is the bear mauling scene in *The Revenant*. My mom tried to show it to me without warning, but with the sound on and Leo’s character’s cries of pain, I started crying within seconds as my mind filled with the horrors of imagining what he was going through in that moment and what it would be like to be in his place. I couldn’t make it through. But then my mom put the movie on mute and we watched the scene and I was able to handle it then. Never discount the impact that sounds can have.
I’m so sorry that you had to experience this. Sending some peaceful vibes your way… ❤️
I am so so sorry. No loss compares to that of a child
Our neighbors daughter was diagnosed with tongue cancer at 20 years old. From diagnosis to death, it was only a couple of months. She moved back home so that her parents could care for her. I'll never forget her mother's screams when she died at home. It's the most horrific sound I've ever heard. That grief is unimaginable.
My son passed in an accident almost 6 years ago. I've never heard a more accurate description. I was traumatized by myself as well. I can still hear myself to this day. It really is like your soul is being ripped from your body in the for of cries.
This scream is a thing you can never unhear. I was too young when my mom found out my sister had been killed in a car accident. I was there, but at age 2, I have no memory of it. However, my sister was just under age 4 and she still has vivid memories of it. Fifty years later my sister was going to visit our dad in the hospital, and she heard those same screams. She told me about it while each of us were on a side of dad’s bed. She told of the sobs and the screams and that she could hear it all in mom’s voice. I looked at our dad and he was crying. I had to tell my sister to stop. Even after 50 years, that pain doesn’t go away. There will never be a day that your neighbor won’t appreciate you giving her a hug, or flowers, or even a shoulder to cry on.
I am so sorry. I experienced something similar a few years ago. A single gun shot in the middle of the night and the deceased woman's teenage son frantically running down our street in grief. It was awful and it still gets to me. I wasn't ok for a few months afterwards. Do the Tetris thing, I hear it has amazing benefits.
Yes, Tetris helps. I can personally vouch for it.
Okay I have to ask what is that?
Playing Tetris following traumatic events somehow helps break up the way the memory is processed, and is clinically shown to reduce PTSD severity down the line.
It apparently accurately recreates the effects of EMDR therapy
I figured it was actual tetris but I thought it might be some code word I don't know lol. I had not realized there were studies on it. That's quite fascinating.
I'd really like to see them do a study about other things, like other games. I wonder if it's literally anything that just takes your mind off it and completely takes you in so you can't process anything else.
Interestingly - Tetris is the only game I have dreams about. I'm a gamer, & yes I dream of playing certain games, but only Tetris IS the whole dream.
Tetris helps a ton. I’ve used it after a particularly traumatic event and it helped a LOT.
I’m a nurse in L&D and the NICU.. and one thing that haunts me, that you never ever forget is the sound of a moms screams when she loses her baby. It’s absolutely haunting.
My next door neighbor’s brother was dog sitting while they were on vacation. One night he turned on all the tvs, the stereos, put the dogs in the back yard, and went ip to the attic with a shot gun. I was 10 or so at the time and my parents thought it was weird that the dogs were out for hours. They went over and knocked but no one answered. They called the home owners and they sent his aunt. Her and my dad got into the house with the key. I was on the front porch. My dad climbed up the ladder to the attic with the aunt. The scream she screamed…I am 32 and I can still hear it. It doesn’t haunt me as much anymore but anytime someone mentions suicide even as small as “imma kms” I don’t get offended but I do hear that scream. I understand.
I've heard the mother's scream too. Get therapy if you need to, talk it through with the friend you were with that heard it too, it helps. Movies don't even do it justice, it's just different. I consider it a gift, of sorts, a human thing, that not everyone ever experiences. You shared in her grief in that moment, just like I did. It's been over 20 years, it never leaves, I can still hear it.
A mother's scream seeing her child dead is absolutely fucking harrowing. -Paramedic heard it far more than I would have liked to.
if you can afford it drop her off meal replacement things like drinks and bars, eating can be so hard at moments like these, you can do it with just a note and just say something like "I overheard and offer my condolences"
as a mom who had to take my child to the emergency room for a suicide attempt this past weekend, whatever you can do that isn’t invading her privacy, but can make her life easier such as meals, and if you want to leave gift cards of any sort in their mailbox. Cards are nice, maybe a gift certificate for someone to take care of their yard or whatever you can think of. She is not gonna be OK for a very long time.
I was on an airplane once waiting to be able to taxi to the gate and a woman across from me got a phone call. I vividly remember her saying “but my son knows how to swim, what do you mean he drowned?” Everyone who heard just froze with eyes wide, mouth open. After the phone call she seemed to be in a state of shock and kept ranting about how she needed to get off the plane and kept getting up. The flight attendants were awful and kept yelling at her to sit down, that she needs to wait. No one knew what to do and no one tried to comfort her, myself included. I think about that moment often, that was about 7 years ago.
Idk why but this story in particular haunts me worse than the others. I think because the circumstances feel so… unremarkable? Just a totally relatable confusion, like that could be any mother of their child they know for sure can swim. The cruelest moment of that woman’s life, and she’s literally trapped with no one knowing how to offer any sort of comfort (which I do understand, because… how? Like what is there to say?) I can’t help wondering if the flight attendants were afraid - like they thought the woman might open the emergency exit and jump out of the plane or something. I can’t say I wouldn’t be considering that in her place. I’m sure the phone call wasn’t intentionally this poorly timed, but this news shouldn’t have been delivered to her over a phone call that way… and I mean… this shouldn’t exist, this shouldn’t be a thing that can happen to anyone ever. I mean honestly I can’t believe our universe exists sometimes… that we live in this beautiful world and are gifted with these beautiful people… and they can be ripped from us, just like that. Sometimes idk how to live with the knowledge of the possibility.
I was in the airport a couple years ago and TSA had just finished checking my luggage when suddenly this woman started screaming hysterically “WHERE IS MY SISTER I CANT FIND MY SISTER!” Everyone looked at her confused and security tried to calm her down but she was crying trying to explain that she brought her sister’s ashes with her and couldn’t find them. No one knew what to do. I felt so terrible for her but I didn’t know what to do either. I just hope she found her sister.
It’s the worst sound in the world. Especially when you’re the mother. It’s like the wail of your womb cries out in helpless despair. It’s horrific. There is NOTHING like the sound a mother makes when she loses a child.
Don't beat yourself up about it. Freezing is a normal response for a lot of people. Not everyone is a fighter or a flyer. This was a traumatic situation given you're still hearing her screams and feeling guilt over it. If this continues to bother you or you start having nightmares about it, I highly suggest therapy. A lot of people get traumatized by situations they are witnesses of. Like seeing someone get hit by a car or shot, this is the same type of thing. I hope you're able to deal with your emotions about this. I'm sending light and love to everyone involved.
I’m a paramedic and by far the worst part of my job has always been the screams of agony from loss. Parents are the worst. Don’t feel guilty for your response- freezing is a very common reaction. This may sound bad but if EMS called it immediately, there is nothing you could have done for the poor kid. You saved yourself more trauma by avoiding seeing that scene. If I were you, I would consider dropping off food/a care package with a kind sympathy card. You don’t need to say anything to the family directly. I’m very sorry you had to hear that. Talk to loved ones about it, share it here, or even consider seeing a professional. These things are never easy for anyone. Take care.
I have a friend who's a paramedic. He told me several times about the screaming. It is something you'll never get used to. Then he tells me about the worst trip that he ever went on. They pull up to this house and it is woman screaming they go in the house to find a husband dead of a heart attack on the living room floor. He says they do their thing but in the end he was dead before they even got there. He goes on to say that somewhere in all of this they kind of lost track of where the woman went. They got the husband covered up with a sheet on a stretcher wheeling him out the door. About halfway out the door they hear a big explosion like noise coming from the back bedroom. They freeze for a second then the cop takes off running down the hall towards the back bedroom. He said a few seconds later the cop come walking back up the hall real slow and looks dead in the face and said "You don't want to go in there, she used a 12 gauge." He told me that that was the closest that he ever come to quit.
Shotgun suicides are fucking awful. It’s one of those things that you seriously try to minimize the amount of people who see it. You rarely can do much for them so it’s a very eerie vibe just standing there. I’ve never had a suicide *directly* after we had a death on scene but I have had 2 times where we got called to the same place shortly after because a loved one took their own life from the grief. I don’t blame your friend for considering quitting. That’s an awful thing to experience.
I'm sorry, it's funny how noise of trauma can settle into your head. I can't unhear my mom finding out my grandfather died. I can watch horror, real gore, all of those things, but hearing the noise of true grief echos in my head. My advice? Try redirecting your focus when it comes around. Immediately turn on a song or show, at least until you can find yourself in a position to talk about it to someone. I agree with reaching out to the mother with kindness. It helps the guilt feeling, but the auditory memory is kind of hard to chase off without effort.
I’ve buried two siblings and six friends to suicide over the years. This was heartbreaking to read. I always say, “Check on your funny friends, check on your quiet friends and check on your strong friends.” All of us are fighting battles no one else can see. I’m so sorry about the screams. I assure you I’ve made them myself and even I don’t recognize them. They come from your soul when your heart is breaking into irreparable pieces.
That is an absolutely insane number of close people to loose to suicide. I don’t know a single person who killed themselves. It’s just baffling to read. Sorry about your loss.
Knowing someone who completed suicide increases risk of suicide. "Personally knowing someone who died by suicide was associated with suicidality outcomes for all age groups." https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3707992/
I remember the day we got a call about my uncle drowning. I live with my grandparents and I didn’t even need to hear the conversation to know what had happened. My grandpa had heard it from outside and came rushing in. A mother’s grief is in my opinion one of the worst sounds to hear. I was in my room and I didn’t come down for an hour, I didn’t know what to do, what to even say to her. It was almost easier when my aunt had passed because that at least was something that we knew the outcome before hand and could prepare and process.
We had a boy shoot himself in the bathroom in the school I work at. Also, when I was about 10, our neighbor shot himself. I saw his oldest son hug his mom when the bodybag came out of the house. I'm 45 and you don't forget these things.
The day my mother died, the person sharing the hospital room had been air lifted from a DUI accident. He asked where his friend (the passenger) is. The nurse told him his friend died. I can still hear that man’s cries. I think this is something that has traumatized you, even if you don’t realize it yet. Do something nice for your neighbor, even if it’s just flowers. And try to get some therapy for yourself. Also don’t be hard on yourself. We can’t react perfectly in every situation and hindsight is always 20/20.
My best friend did it when we were 17. Her mother found her. Till this day I will never understand what her mom saw. In October, 23 years after her daughter did it, she did it. All this time she was never able to live with the guilt of “not being there” for her daughter. All this time, she was depressed over not having her only daughter, her oldest child anymore. And she hid it very very well. I’m so sorry that you had to “witness” that. It’s a horrible thing, and a horrible feeling. But you did what a lot of people would have done. You froze. You didn’t know what to do. You didn’t know what was happening.
Peace be with your friend, her mother, and to yourself. May Gentleness abide with you and bring you comfort.
Support her now. Be a good neighbour. Bring her some meals or offer to do some chores for her
I heard my cross-the-road neighbour's toddler screaming for their mum and dad for a good couple of minutes before I called emergency. Cop came out. Parents had left 4 year old at home alone, kid had crawled out dog door and got out in yard and panicked. The cop then complained that I should have called CPS instaed of police. I asked if CPS have authority to enter a property and how was I to know the nature of the emergency without trespassing myself? Cop got pissy at that. Left me in a sour mood.
An officer who once brought my brother home from school after he got high and couldn't function. Then, brought my mom a pie after he was the reporting officer on scene from my brother's suicide. He said it's a tradition in his family. He hugged my mom for 30 minutes straight. Maybe get em a pie and give em a hug if they want one. My mom needed one.
This is a strangely relatable story for me - As a teen, I was cleaning up fallen apples when I heard the absolute wails of my two ~60yo neighbors, a husband and wife who had their son and 2 grandkids living with them (not the sons children, large family). Their screams chilled my soul, but we assumed it was an argument or something and didnt do anything. Our landlord rode by on his 4 wheeler to ask if I knew what was happening - after I said no he went to check it out and not 2 minutes later was FLYING across the field at top speed. Cue sirens. My neighbors ~30yo son had hung himself and was discovered by their entire family coming home from church. This moment in my life is seared into my brain, and as someone with bipolar disorder, I think of the impact his death had on them every time my depression swings get the better of me. I never want my family to experience that. My neighbors are still alive, still caring for all the random kids from their extended family, but within a few months they each had aged a couple decades - they both developed fully white hair and lost an insane amount of weight. Honestly it's haunting to look at them, knowing what they went through had this effect. To anyone else who struggles with suicidal idealation - read these stories. This is what we would leave behind. Push through and get help, just to save your loved ones from these poor peoples fates.
I’ve struggled with the thought of suicide since I was 9 years old. I’m 24 now, and occasionally I find stories like these across my Reddit page. I am grateful for the people who share their stories. It is such a heart-wrenching thing to read, and my body always feels cold and heavy having imagined these terrible things. My mother is the warmest, kindest, most loving woman I have ever met. Her smile lights a room, and she will be the first person to help another soul, whoever they may be, even if it costs her the shirt off her back. I grew up doing lots of charity work every year because she wanted to find ways to help her community. Snd every August, she does a random act of kindness for other people every single day to celebrate her birthday. With no money, she still finds a way to send me food and medicine when I am struggling. And always she is supportive and loving. God. I could never do something so terrible to her. She is the strongest woman I know, but it is a battle I could never dream of putting her through. And I know that the day I lose her will be one of the hardest of my life. No matter how difficult my struggles have been, and no matter how agonizing each breath is to take… I simply cannot hurt her in this way. Not just her. My dad. He has never let me go without. He is a very rational person and very left-brained. Not very emotional or feel-y, the very opposite of my mother in that sense. But he loves me so much, and he checks on me all of the time. He helps to support me when I cannot support myself, and sends me pictures of his cat. It took me awhile to realize he speaks his love language differently than my mom and I do, but seeing how much he cares is truly a gift. I could go on forever. My stepdad, my sister. Reading these stories always leads to me imagining how they would respond. And it breaks my heart. More than once, I have broken down crying or sobbing for these strangers. And I cry for myself, too, and my family. It seems so selfish. I guess it is. But it gives me the ability to hang in there awhile longer. I guess a long rant to say thank you. Thank you for sharing. I hope you find healing and peace, and I hope happiness graces your life in all kinds of ways. Cheers to you.
Hang in there my friend. Always around if you need a strangers ear. I've recently found a lot of solice in the song "I'm Sorry" by Joyner Lucas. Highly recommend giving it a listen and reading the lyrics - its powerful.
OP, don't feel bad. Your reaction was perfectly normal. Take care of yourself. ❤️
You have nothing to feel guilty for. I think an awful lot of people would have responded exactly as you did. Please consider talking to a professional because this is such a traumatic experience and it's clearly playing on your mind. I know the kind of screams you mean, I heard them once in a hospital twenty years ago and they still haunt me. Please take care of yourself.
My mother in law called me after she found my sister in laws body. They sound of her voice is something I can never unhear. It is often the start of my nightmares. I am so sorry. Please see a therapist, it is a very traumatic experience and they can help you work through it so it doesn’t consume your every waking thought.
I second that you should do something nice now. Food for the family is especially nice at a time of mourning. Maybe something they can quickly heat with minimal effort. It will be very much appreciated by them, and I also think you will feel much better about it too.
This is a sound you'll never forget or mistake ...I worked in a level 1 trauma center and the scream and cries from a mother that just lost her child is unbearable, unmistakable and haunting.
I am so sorry that you heard that. Do what you can. Leave a card, bring food, whatever. What you heard is every parent’s nightmare.
As a parent, finding my child dead is my worst nightmare. Moreso if it was by suicide. And for her to have to deal with a bloody mess on top of that is immensely traumatic. It's a terribly sad thing to deal with, even as a bystander. If you need it you might find talking to someone will help. I once heard screaming coming from down the hall at the office I worked in right out of college. A woman came dashing out and collapsed. After much talking to her I learned that she just found out her 45 year old sister had just been found dead. I don't think I will ever get that sound out of my head either.
Play [Tetris](https://theconversation.com/can-playing-tetris-help-prevent-ptsd-if-youve-witnessed-something-traumatic-226736#:~:text=The%20current%20evidence%20of%20Tetris,to%20reduce%20subsequent%20intrusive%20memories) no joke. Click link for explanation. I'm so sorry.
I have been going through a stressful situation that would normally leave me incapacitated with anxiety but I’ve been playing Tetris or Bejeweled whenever I feel myself start to spiral and it’s legitimately helping. It’s like the part of my brain that wants to fixate and think a problem to death can’t latch on when I’m Tetris-ing. It may not work for everyone but I highly suggest trying it.
I second this. Tetris in any trauma situation. It has been proven to change how memories are stored so it’s less traumatic. Download an app. Play Tetris. Everyone should know about this.
It's hard to find a Tetris without microtransactions in it now. You have to pay to continue.
turn on airplane mode, then play. no distractions
It would be worth every penny to get that out of my head.
Please please please get into therapy. This will sneak up on you. Process with a professional. I did a lot of years in EMS and I know that absolutely bone deep wail of grief you're talking about.
You have nothing to feel guilty for. I think an awful lot of people would have responded exactly as you did. Please consider talking to a professional because this is such a traumatic experience and it's clearly playing on your mind. I know the kind of screams you mean, I heard them once in a hospital twenty years ago and they still haunt me. Please take care of yourself.
So very sad. When I was about 12, my next door neighbor’s daughter was visiting them with her 2-year-old daughter. They were all sitting out in the front porch when a family friend stopped out front. They were walking to his car to greet them when he broke the news that her husband had been killed in a car crash. It was 60 years ago, but I still can hear her screams of anguish. It was absolutely heartbreaking.
I experienced something similar to this. I woke up to screams coning from my neighbours house, it was around 5am and everything was silent so when they discovered their sibling dead in bed, I could hear every so clearly. The mother wailing was the worst part, like you don't hear that kind of crying often, it's so raw and heart wrenching ... like the sound of the deepest pain possible. I'll never forget that sound.
You need counselling asap. Hindsight is a wonderful thing I’m sure we’ve all wished we possessed at some point or another. Your reaction was completely normal- many people, including myself, would probably have been going through exactly the same thought processes in this situation. You’ve nothing to feel guilty about. I hope you and your friend can work through this together 💕
First, I’m so so sorry that happened and it’s on a loop in your mind. If you have an opportunity and the funds look into EMDR therapy. We all have a library of memories - some of them (traumatic ones like this) can get stuck like a book open all the time. EMDR isn’t simply talking about what happened. It really helps your brain to put that book away. To take the emotional charge and immediacy out of it. To make it easier to still recall but not to play like a broken record. Up to you :) but it’s something that has helped me for 2 traumatic experiences in my life.
This is really tough. The hard and cruel way is to say suicide is selfish. In reality this young boy was hurting so much, he not only took his life. But did so in a way that will scar, mom, witness 2, OP and friend and countless others. This is a really sad situation
Had the same thing happen here. Idk if you can ever unhear it
Oh man I can't even imagine and definetly understand the shock and not knowing what to do. It's absolutely not the same but my neighbor I heard her scream and it was so awful and heard her call for her son I was thinking oh my gosh did one of his children get by a car what I am about to run out to see, thankfully wasn't the children but her dog was hit and killed by a car but those screams messed me up for days I can't not even fathom if it was a person. Im so sorry OP
Download Tetris. It helps the brain with trauma. From one mum who knows that scream all too well
I'm so sorry :(
Be kind to yourself. It'd be a tough situation for anyone, let alone a teen. You like to think you'll know what to do, but the reality is the body and brain physiologically react in ways you can't expect, much less control.
Hi OP. First, I’m so sorry you experienced this. Even while indirectly, this is still a trauma exposure. You are absolutely entitled to the array of feelings you are likely experiencing - from asking why did you have to be exposed to that, to feeling guilty for being nearby, to being angry, and 876 feelings and thoughts on between. Secondhand trauma (STS) exists. I suffer from it, have for 16+ years due to my career. I had no idea it had a name, nor did I have any idea other people experienced this too. Not here to push therapy or meds or anything like that. I only ask that you be gentle with yourself because even if you don’t know these people personally, this was still a very significant trauma you were exposed to. Take care of yourself. Try to eat well, sleep when you can, talk to people in your circle who love and support you.
That is so completely and utterly tragic. I’m so sorry for the mom and I’m tearing up right now. You are kind and reacted how anyone with a sensitive heart would. But you care, and that’s a lot. There are terrible people in the world laughing at pictures of babies who died violently in war zones as we speak, you actually care(d). You are a good person.
One of the worst things in nursing is that “wail” that people do when they realize their loved one has unexpectedly died. It is absolutely heart wrenching. It never gets better when you hear it. I’m sorry you experienced that. As for freezing, cut yourself a break. What’s happening in the world today is very different than even 5 years ago so hesitating or freezing in response to a crisis is a self-preservation thing. Once you’ve been through this the first time, and analyzed it in your mind, you may be better able to react in a way you think is better if there is a next time. The reality is that every situation is different and without a context to each event it is hard to know what action to take. So, be gentle with yourself.
Please find out the number for NON emergency 911 in your area and program it in your phone. I have used it for everything from a mattress in the road. To someone passed out? Dead? Sleeping? On a sidewalk. It takes the pressure off but still lets authorities know.
I was the first phone call from my father when he found my brother dead a little over 2 months ago. I’ll never forget his words or my stepmothers guttural screams. There is nothing to do in these situations. Nothing in the moment will help. Kindness now will though. Maybe stop by with a plant or something to express condolences. I’m sure they’ll be appreciated.
Please reach out to a doctor or a friend and don't let this overwhelm you. The intrusive thoughts are horrid and real. I've never heard this scream but have been told about it. I am a mother. I hope I never go through this. Get help. What you heard was traumatising. You need to be able to process it.
That scream hey? I heard that the day my neighbour got the call that her husband had been killed in a workplace accident. Went outside but didn't see anything and figured it must have been some kids being stupid because that kind of stuff doesn't happen around here, did it? 4 days later, his mum come over to tell me and I put it all together. But that scream. I'll never unhear that. I feel for you buddy.
43 years later and I can still hear my friend/neighbor's mom's unhuman screams and cries as she wandered into the road after finding her son's body after he took his life.
i remember hearing about when they found my partner's body, his mom fainted. when we found his truck and my dad found a receipt for what my partner used to take his life he didn't know how to tell her. when his four year old brother found out a week later his scream is something you could never forget. these were all after it happened, the police found his body and didn't need anyone to identify him because his tattoos matched. i can’t imagine what it'd be like physically finding the body. seeing your whole world disappear. i think it would mean a lot to her if you did stop by, even if just with a card and some words of support, letting her know in that moment she wasn't entirely alone, i think that would've comforted me to hear.
There’s nothing you could have done. You were frozen in shock. It’s a natural reaction.
Normal reaction on your part. You did not need to call the police or go over. That gun was still there and the family were upset. You could easily have been shot. And you did not know what was happening, really. So not knowing what to do or whether to call the police is perfectly understandable. You are exhibiting a trauma response. Especially hearing her repeatedly in your head. It’s okay to seek therapy. You probably feel as though it should not be you that needs it. But it clearly is. I think you ought to talk to someone before going over. Talk about it first and ask advice as to how to handle it before, during, and after so as not to make it worse.
Oh my - poor thing. I can’t imagine walking through losing my child.
When I was 15, I saw someone jump from a viaduct, they landed no more than 20 or so metres from me… at first I thought it was a pile of clothes being thrown from a train window… then, about 3 years ago, whilst driving home from work, I saw someone else jump from a bridge over a busy road. Whilst horrible things to witness, I would say that nothing comes close to what you heard OP. There is something very different about hearing the desperation and panic in someone’s voice. If you can, I would check out free counselling sessions available in your area.
The same thing happened to my mom. She was home alone and she heard the upstairs’ neighbours come home. They found their only son dead, hung at the top of the stairs… He was only 18 and just broke up with his first girlfriend. My mom heard the whole thing, the police, the ambulance etc. She told me after she felt like an intruder in this horrific moment. Even years later she is still traumatized by it. You need to talk about it, you witness a terrible scene even if you didn’t experience it firsthand. Take care of yourself !
I’m sorry that happened, I remember hearing someone talk about being at a party and the parents came home to find one of their daughters had committed suicide. They said they would never forget their screams. Suicide is always a tragedy, I don’t think there’s anything you could have done. Even if you had called immediately or run over there, nothing can console someone right after a loss like that. Sending so much love to that poor family. I would say taking care of practical things is what I’ve wanted most when I’m not doing okay. Make them some oven ready meals, make them nutritious and delicious cause people lose their appetite after tragedy. Soup is easy to get down, maybe a minestrone full of veggies. Also, consider telling them (not asking, people don’t want to be a burden) you or other neighbors will get the mail and drop it off on their porch. You will mow their lawn in a few weeks, etc. Give them the option to say no, but don’t make them ask. Don’t expect to talk or catch up if you come around to help them. If they want to talk, they’ll come to you. I’m sorry again for what you’ve heard. I wish suicide wasn’t such a struggle but I get it. I wish that young man would have kept fighting, but I get it. Best we can do now is honor his memory by being kind to everyone, you never know what they’re fighting.
“To hear a mother howling is to believe all humans are animals and all animals are built to grieve.” I’m so sorry you had to experience this. I know you feel worse for the mom but you went through a trauma too. Hearing that is awful. I just want you to know, that I know how it feels to just feel like you need to get a story out. Like maybe you can’t get clean until you’re able to tell it. I know how it is to experience something no one else will understand and not knowing who to retell the story to. I hope you feel just a little better being able to share this with us and reading all of our comments. You still went through something traumatic, don’t try and make it seem like it isn’t a big deal because it is and your feelings about this are so very real. Here’s a hand squeeze from across the internet. You’re not the only one to hear this awful noise. I’ve had loved ones commit suicide, and honestly, knowing someone was there to hear my heart break would have somehow made me feel a little better, and less alone. When someone dies, it’s so freaking hard that time just goes on. It feels like it should stop, or at least slow down, but it doesn’t. The world keeps spinning and the sun sets and then it comes back up and doesn’t all over again and it just feels so…. Idk, disrespectful that time keeps moving. But just for a moment, your world stopped too. You stood there with her in that frozen moment, and you experienced her horror and her pain and you were there too. All we want is to know that we’re not alone. Thank you for being there when her world stopped so that she wasn’t alone. (Even if she doesn’t know it, I do, we all do, and that means everything)
Well damn. I read the title and literally needed to go take a Xanax. Didn’t realize I was something I’ll always be carrying was still so heavy, I guess. Hope you’re doing ok, OP
That is the sound of the ultimate suffering a person can experience.
Drop off some food and a card. Maybe with your number to call if they need anything, like food or a stop by the grocery store. They won’t have the energy to do such things now. Do not do it because of guilt, there’s nothing to feel guilty about. But to support them.
Damn this made me cry in the airport
I'm going to get some hate for this, but it's a good thing you didn't go over. I'm a Paramedic, and so have seen more than my fair share of things nobody should. You wouldn't have been able to help the kid, and you'd have just scarred yourself further. Those screams are the worst sound to be heard. Offer your help and support to them if you can, as many have suggested already. But also, take care of yourself too
Send a card or leave some food--unfortunately, some people have less empathy for people who commit suicide. People who would have supported her if he'd been in a car crash may shy away now, so if you are wanting to do something supportive, that's what I would do.
I found my son dead. It was such a dissociative experience…I could hear my screaming but wasn’t sure who was screaming. It’s like I watched it happen from the ceiling. But I agree with the top comment. Send food, a card, flowers, something. She’ll be grieving the rest of her life.
Don’t worry. I was there (in my own)and was so lost in my own mind I didn’t even THINK about hugging my mom. I had been taking a nap that afternoon, knowing I was working the next day when I woke up to yelling. I got up, saw my mom on the driveway and when she turned around tears were streaming down her face. (Youngest son, 13 years old ) shot himself! I stayed out of the way. He was still alive at that point. I turned around, not wanting to see what he looked like.
Go play Tetris (not joking) it will help prevent your brain processing this as traumatic
I’m sorry you had to experience that and I’m sorry for the family of the person involved in this terrible situation. If you’re in position discuss this with a therapist. There’s a very good chance you’ll never unhear that so to speak. Just as you assumed might be the case.
Therapy. When I did my first ER clinicals in schools I saw something horrifying and therapy the next day helped me function again. Just immediately told myself to get help so I can be able to help others. The sooner the better.
I’m crying so hard right now… How heartbreaking 💔 I’m sending you huge virtual hugs OP. I’m sorry…
Oh god. That is horrible. I am so sorry for everyone involved, including you. This hit me in the feels because that’s the name of one of my kids too. 😭 Suicide is the worst.
Oh man. That's rough. 😔
Sorry you went through that. Sorry for everyone involved.
🤯
What were you seriously going to do? Rewind time? I heard the same scream you did, only in an ER while waiting with my sister who thought she broke her ankle. It was obvious to everyone in the waiting room, a mother and father just lost their child in an accident of some sort. Absolutely the worst sound imaginable. No Hollywood acting has ever come even 1/10th as close to that sound. It stayed with me for a very long time, so will this for you. You will come to terms with it eventually that it wasn't your doing, or your business to hear, and there was nothing you could have personally done to help or change it.
A very similar story happened to my mom. She called me one day out of the blue and asked me if I was using drugs again and I asked why she was asking me that and she told me about the next door neighbor girl whose parents bought her the house and had only been living there for a short time was found dead laying in the driveway from a drug overdose. Her mom found her and let out some very distraught screams and my mom had heard her. It definitely upset my mom, I could tell she was still shaken up by it.
Imagining my mom's reaction upon finding me dead was the very thing that kept me from committing for 9 years, it still does. I don't ever want to cause her pain like that, same goes for my dad and my sister. I'm genuinely so sorry to hear this happened and that you had to witness it. As others said, it might make her, as well as her family feel better to know someone gave a shit and get some sort of support, whether anonymous or not. It's up to you if you want to do it though, since consoling a grieving person, a mother even, can be tough on you as well. It takes energy and I'd assume your mental stability so it doesn't affect you too much if she has an episode or anything. That is if you decide to be in their life more than just an occasional card or food.
If you feel the need to do something for her, bring over an easy to heat up meal, like a casserole or lasagna or something similar she can just throw in the oven. When grieving the last thing you want to do is cook, I'm sure she'd appreciate the gesture.
There are still two different names in your post so I think you might need to go back and edit again.
Thanks. Edited at 3 am so definitely overlooked that
a few months ago i woke up to a neighbor outside screaming bloody murder for help. i went outside with my bf, and the neighbor (mid 20s M) was screaming that his baby wasn’t breathing and to call the police. before i could walk inside to get my phone an ambulance pulled up and the neighbor ran his baby outside, and the baby was very obviously deceased. it was the most heart wrenching thing i have ever witnessed, the screams and the sight of the baby. the most you can do is offer your condolences or maybe leave some food. i’m so sorry you had to go through that OP
At least once a season on all the murder channel shows, you hear a law enforcement official or medical personnel speak about the sound that parents, generally the moms, but not always, make upon seeing their dead child. You can see it in their faces. Faces that have gone pale, even under makeup. And how it haunts them to this day. Hardened police officers who have seen the worst that humanity has to offer are deeply affected, and you can tell just by looking at them that a little bit of that horror is still active on a daily with them.
When you feel comfortable approaching the family, please keep in mind that you are not reminding them of their loss to ask about their son. They don't need to be reminded; they face this horror every day. Ask if they would link to share ay stories or favorite memories. Give them a chance to talk and listen.
Play Tetris. It's proven to help someone through a traumatizing experience.
This is not a joke take a few minutes to decompress play a couple rounds of Terri's and let your brain rest
There is nothing like hearing a mother scream after discovering their dead child. It's a bone chilling, blood draining, instant tears scream. You can actually feel the bond being shattered through their wails of pain.
I'm sorry you had to hear this. I have heard it many times working in an ER. It is part howl, part scream, part soul being ripped out of their body. There really is no way to truly describe it, and unfortunately, you will never forget it.
If you end up struggling with your feelings about this, please seek a professional to help process these feelings. You can still be there for her. Cook dinner and bring her some. Take trash bins up to the curb for her. Mow her lawn. Help clean up the scene so she doesn’t have to do it alone.
I’m sorry you went through that. I hope you feel ultimately stronger because of that experience.
I- unfortunately know what it’s like. Having the scream trapped in your mind. It’s horrible, I was 8 when my mothers life was taken too soon, and my uncle found the body when he was doing a wellness check. (She was from an abusive relationship. Me, my sister loved with our grandma. Only our brother lived with our mother.) I remember looking out side the front window because I heard crying- it’s like the cartoons were no longer loud enough to block it out. The scream from my grandmother, of a woman that lost her only daughter when she was told. When they finally thought she was safe. I’ll never forget it even 16 years later.