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I thought being open would be the right choice. There have been instances where I learned that others were struggling. I’ve had friends show compassion. But there has also been a lot of “just stop trying and it’ll happen”, “you are too stressed, that isn’t good for you”, “how do you think you’ll get pregnant with that mindset” comments. In hindsight, I’d be more selective about what I share. I don’t think it helped me feel any less isolated and alone.
This has been experience as well. I now understand why infertility is such a hidden struggle. Putting up with all the comments makes the whole thing infinitely harder. Much easier to just keep your head down and say nothing. If anything, telling people made me feel more alone because I became ashamed when others judged my feelings.
My therapist told me not to stress. She even said ‘do you think a baby is going to grow in a stressed out environment?’. It annoyed me, but through these comments starting to realise how insensitive that was 🤯
I have learned to be careful of who you open up to after I did with my sil. Especially if they have had no issues conceiving.
It welcomes unsolicited advise, such as "are you tracking your ovulation?" "have you tried this ovulation tracker? It worked for me" no you're fertile, that's what worked for you. And yes, I am doing everything I possibly can and driving myself crazy.
Some people just don't get the struggle.
My problem is that the majority of people Id tell already have babies, and I honestly feel like no one gets it unless they’ve been through it. Will definitely keep this in mind though, thank you x
In my experience, the ones who have kids are the ones giving the advise and it's in a way as if you don't know what you're doing, especially if they had no trouble conceiving. I completely agree, unless they have gone through it, they won't understand.
I have opened up to two of my best friends who are also going through similar to what I am and they have been so understanding and helpful.
I also chose to not tell the parents on my side or my husbands, i didn't want the extra pressure that they already make me feel.
My reply is a long one so apologies!
We have flip flopped so many times on this. When we originally started TTC toward the end of 2018 we kept it to ourselves. And I honestly didn’t really know what to expect with TTC and how hard it’d be. My husband had just come through a deep depression and we hadn’t been intimate for a year so it was already enough pressure that telling family seemed like it’d just add more pressure.
We tried on and off through about 2020 - honestly I don’t know if we really ever got timing right and we weren’t consistent. We stopped in 2021 because I started having more difficult and painful periods. I was diagnosed with endo in August 2022 after a lap and I lost my left ovary and tube. I was heartbroken. My husband sent this beautiful text to both sides of the family that my health was what mattered, that this may impact if and how we have a child, and we’d need support, etc. Crickets. On both sides. No one really addressed it. My mom at one point said we could always adopt 🙄 and my MIL said she always thought she’d have a bunch of grandchildren but it was “okay” 🙄🙄 It was like people were afraid of me. I went through so many family members and friends sharing their positive pregnancy stories during this time and it killed me inside.
About 3-4 months after my surgery I was feeling so low and emotional. Another family member shared their GF was pregnant (these are two people who should not be together and the GF takes advantage of the family member who has mental impairments). My husband and I lost it. I told him I was done going to holidays and birthdays and getting kids shoved in my face while no one asked how we were. Their “pregnancy” was fake. All a joke. His family brushed it off. I was so hurt. I still remember my husband yelling at his mom “it’s always about kids, kids, kids! And nobody asks how me or my wife are doing. It’s breaking us.”
After that my MIL started gently asking more about how we’re doing with everything. I went off endo meds back in August 2023 and we actively started TTC in November 2023. I still didn’t tell anyone. With no positives yet I got an HSG done along with my AMH. My tube was clear! My AMH is about .96 which my RE said is on the lower side of normal but doesn’t mean I’m out. My husband encouraged me to share the procedure with my mom and sister. I hesitated but as the appointment got closer I was so anxious. I sent them a very long text about what was going on and specifically what I needed from them. They were so supportive! We also told my MIL and FIL we were TTC and they were so kind. They were asking questions that were thoughtful and appropriate.
In the end, I’m glad we’ve shared our recent TTC journey. The things said in the past still ring in my ears sometimes, but there’s the possibility of having to do IUI and IVF and I want to control the narrative. I want and need the support. Sometimes you just have to clarify what you’re looking for from people.
Good luck 🙏🏻💞
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this all out. Sounds like you’ve been on one hell of a journey. I’m so glad your family ‘get it’ and understand what you need now. Shame it took your husband having to shout at his mum.
And ditto my AMH is also low 🙁 0.8…
But… keeping my fingers crossed for you, me and all the other women and men going through this.
Wishing you all the luck 🍀x
We didn't share about our secondary infertility diagnosis until we started IVF. We just needed a little more support during that time. We only shared with a few trusted family members (my husband's parents and his sister). They were respectful and very kind. However, we didn't share with anyone that we thought would not be helpful like my own parents (my mother is a gossip and also because of her political/religious views, I know that she has an unfavorable view of IVF which is not helpful when you're doing IVF.)
So I would say tell whoever you want to share with because you may want some support but have a little caution. Some people report that they have family that constantly ask for updates which can be annoying if you have no "good" or positive news to share.
Eh, I don’t know that it was particularly difficult to refrain from sharing with them since I knew what the consequences of doing so would entail. Especially the judgment coming from my mom. I don’t usually tell them everything anyway. We have a friendly relationship but I wouldn’t in a million years call us close. They are pretty much on a need to know basis for most things.
But, on top of having a close friend who also did IVF that I could lean on, I also sought out therapist to help talk through all my feelings. Which was incredibly helpful.
Not OP. Cope by knowing your choices. If they know, then you are hurt by their words and opinions, you feel alone, and you will likely hold onto some of the comments they make..causing you to feel bitter towards someone you love.
If they don’t know, then you feel alone or might feel guilt from not being fully honest or have thoughts of “maybe they might understand”…(they won’t, trust your instinct). Cope by knowing it sucks no matter what but the latter keeps the control in your hands and hurts less.
I regret telling some people about it but others I’m glad to have the support from. I feel like I can’t win because whether or not I tell people, I get insensitive comments. For the people who know, they might say the typical “don’t stress and it will happen” etc but then the people who don’t know we’ve been trying for about 3 years and are doing IUI many times assume we chose not to have children. Those actually get to me more because they’ll say things like “you guys are smart, you get to enjoy your lives blah blah” or they assume because of our age there’s no way we could be trying to have a baby. And I don’t want to discuss it with them so I say nothing. When we did our first IUI, I shared with 3 very close friends. Two of them (the ones who also don’t have children) have been so supportive and respectful and I’m so glad I can talk to them. My third friend who has 2 kids doesn’t seem to take it seriously and doesn’t get it given she easily conceived both of her kids. So I won’t be sharing any additional details with her. It’s tough.
You have to do what’s best for you (obviously). I’m turning 34 soon and have had no successful pregnancies but four losses. My first pregnancy we told close family and friends at nine weeks then miscarried so they know my fertility struggles. Am working with a specialist now and it’s honestly the hardest challenge I’ve faced. And it’s very lonely. So personally, I’m happy a few close people know because even with them knowing - I often feel I’m struggling alone.
I decided to share, and I was shocked about how many people I knew not only went through infertility, but IVF as well. It definitely made me feel less alone.
I think this very much depends on “knowing your audience”. Like are you close with the people you plan on telling or would this get out to your extended family? Are you super religious and/or is your family? I find a lot of religious beliefs can be an unintended road block when you have to start fertility treatments. And I guess finally, are you in an emotional state where you can handle everyone and their mom telling you “helpful” things? If not, I’d keep it to just very close friends/family. If you are, then full transparency. This is such a mentally taxing journey and you need to take care of your own mental state before anyone else’s. And sometimes that means acknowledging that people that you thought would be there for you aren’t and that’s just how it is. Hoping things go better for you than I’ve personally encountered with my own infertility (recurrent pregnancy loss)
We told my family pretty early on, but chose not to tell Hubs' family until after the birth of SIL's first child (first baby on that side of the family) as we didn't want his parents/sister to have any feelings other than joy around that. They've been nothing but supportive since.
My family is a little more "surface level" when it comes to important things, so they don't really ask us about it much. Even when we share details it seems like they don't pay attention or remember things, but I'm just used to it now. My dad will make comments from time to time about how he'll probably die before he sees grand kids and I'm constantly reminding him how insensitive that is to me.
As for friends, we chose to only share it with each of our very close circles. None of my friends are really in the same phase of life as we are, so I think it's hard for them to understand but they do ask questions and try to offer support in the ways they think helps.
Overall, I'm glad we shared with all that we have- infertility is so isolating, and while our friends haven't been there, it's nice to have people around who you can talk to about it all, other than your spouse who's going through it with you or an internet forum.
I've been very open about my unexplained fertility issues starting since my first MC in December 2021. I know people are against it because of the negative stigma but I prefer to be open and go against the grain. It has led to so much understanding and compassion and friends and family understand why I show up to showers and other celebrations briefly (if at all). Just share what you feel comfortable in telling others, to whom you're comfortable telling.
In general my experience is being open is the best. Yes you will get unsolicited opinions, pity and insensitivity… But you also get a lot of understanding and support from maybe people you least expected. It’s also an opportunity to educate the people around you. Infertility is still such a big taboo we need to be more open. At work I got full support from my manager and have opened up with some colleagues. With friends and family it helped many to stop asking us when were we going to have kids. I had some family members come to me sharing their struggles and how they wish they were more open about it.
My husband also started to be more open about it at work with colleagues. He has had several male colleagues reach out to him because they are or have had infertility issues. From my husband’s perspective it’s even a bigger taboo between men and he feels speaking up about it has been very helpful to process his feelings and knowing he’s not alone.
But hey this is our experience. We are 5 years TTC with failed IUI and IVF plus endometriosis… Our first year we were more private about it but have learned to be more open as years go by.
Yeah...I was open about my struggles because I was tired of getting comments about when we were having kids or if we were preggers yet.
Overall 95% of people made annoying and redundant comments.
I got everything from "just relax" "go on a vacation" "it will happen when you stop trying"
To a coworker trying to explain ovulation to me and ovulation test and how I must not know and that I need a particular app. I was well over a year into trying and seeing an RE. Of course she was pregnant (again) and must be an expert.
Be careful who you talk to unless you are really good at shrugging it off
For me it’s been good and bad. I told my two closest friends, my boss, and my sister. My sister I told right after she told me she was pregnant again, and that’s been a mixed bag. Helpful bc she knows I’m struggling but also frustrating bc sometimes she gives “advice” to try to make me stay positive and sometimes I just don’t want advice. But I am glad she knows. My two friends, one is a great listening ear and the other is also great BUT she’s been struggling with infertility for 3 years so I’ve noticed when I talk to her my anxiety just goes up. She has lumped me in with her own experiences and has pretty much told me to buckle up and prepare for all the tests and IUIs etc that idk if I’ll even need yet since so far all I know of my issues is low AMH (and my understanding from my RE is that that isn’t what’s preventing me from getting pregnant). The true infertility diagnosis hasn’t come yet. She’s said it’s been nice having someone to relate with on the struggles and I agree but it also can make me spiral more. And finally, I told my boss. I love her, have known her for 6+ years, and I told her bc I knew I was reaching my breaking point mentally and that she’d support me in whatever time I needed. She doesn’t ask me about it and doesn’t bring it up, but will check in when she knows I have a test done (like the HSG) and see how I’m doing. She also has been supportive of me just needing to take off work for my mental health at times so that’s been great.
We’ve been pretty up front with those close to us. Our parents were both sad as they wanted us to have children. Sisters and brothers on all sides do their best to help. We’ve become godparents partially because of our struggles (just my take, not confirmed) it seems. I’ve told my close guys and their takes have been interesting as they are on opposite ends of the spectrum. One has 3 and wanted 4. One didn’t want kids and had an accident and has become a great dad.
The only person who can fully relate is my wife. There isn’t a single person around us who wanted kids that didn’t have at least one. But it’s better to be out in the open
The only people who know are a couple of my managers at work, and that’s because I had to take a few days off when I initially found out about our fertility issues.
Having a very.......frustrating.... MIL, I would think and consider carefully before about your relationship with each person you're wanting to tell. We haven't told anyone about our journey outside of medical professionals and one of my good friends because she's a nurse and has helped me with a lot of questions.
So if they're trustworthy and have been supportive or helpful with other difficult things in the past, yes.
Not trying to scare you but I would just think through each person and/or couple.
I don’t really regret being open about it but I think it’s because it’s well known in my family how much I want kids and then after being with my husband for almost 9 years (almost 4 married) and not having getting pregnant I just kept getting so many “when are you having kids?”
And anytime I had good news about anything the phone call would go something like this
“Oh I have something to tell you!”
“Oh really?! Are you pregnant?”
“Uh.. no I got a new car..”
“Oh”
So I had to eventually be like “look I want kids, I really want kids but it’s not happening right now. I’m working with doctors to change that but yeah”
And that pretty much made it clear that it’s really hard for us. I think it helps that the problem *currently* on my husband’s end, so I don’t get any of the “just relax” comments other people report.
I tell everyone everything, because that’s just my personality. If it’s someone I’m not close with I don’t go into detail but if they ask about kids I’ll say we’re trying but I have PCOS so we’re working with an infertility clinic. That said, I’m a very open person about everything and privacy has never made me feel better.
I’ve gotten overwhelmingly a positive response, but people do ask a lot of questions and sometimes say stupid things. I’m not really bothered by it though so I don’t mind talking about it or educating people. I’m also not really emotionally impacted by my infertility as much as many people around are. I enjoy my friends babies, don’t mind pregnant people, and I knew I would need help conceiving since I was a teen so I didn’t go into this expecting a baby anytime soon after trying.
With me it would’ve also been awkward not to tell people because I love babies and kids, and have always been open about wanting them. Plus I was 29 and had just gotten married after dating my husband for ten years. Everyone could tell what the plan was.
I stopped taking the pill in July and have had only 3 actual periods since then. Probably all anovulatory. Last week I had some scans and bloodwork done and while I am waiting for the definitive results, the scans showed way too many follicles. So, PCOS.
I told my mom, who is patiently waiting for the actual results and doctors plan. Two friends, one of which is in a similar situation and the other who remembers my doctors appointments and checks in with me every time. I have been really amazed by her support. I also told my boss about the posibility of hormone tablets and she is supportive. I told another coworker today as tomorrow I get the results and I suspect she's gonna check in with me after.
I must admit though, I have one friend I told about my cycles just before New Years. I was on day 83 of my cycle back then. Literally 3 days later we discussed our 2024 - plans mostly. She then said: "And hopefully a baby in 2024 too!" Like... that gave me literally 3 months and at that point, that was just one cycle too. I know she is just excited about our plans for a baby, seeing as she already has two. But I found that SO insensitive. I'm not telling her anything for a while.
I love being able to talk about it. But just not with everyone, I guess.
Edit to say: playing devills advocate here... Maybe your friend did not have the guts and the heart to tell you about her baby, asuming it must be painful for you.
We’re 3 years married and the kids questions have been coming up a lot more and I haven’t minded telling me we’re now open to kids so whenever it happens is my standard answer. Only one friend (for now) knows that we’re going down the fertility clinic route because we haven’t been preventing the last 3 years. We just got the results of the initial testing we did and for me, I think there’s no need to say anything yet as we’re doing a little more testing and I’ll likely only be starting TI in May. If we ever get to the iui or ivf stage, I think I’ll tell close friends and family but on a delayed timeline because I don’t think I’ll be able to keep up with answering all the questions in real time.
For me I’ve been super open. It worked for me but not for everyone. My friend and I ended up doing Ivf together. She didn’t tell anyone else except her close family. She probably wouldn’t have told me if I wasn’t so open about my iui and Ivf journeys.
Can’t believe how much I relate to your post. It’s not even funny! Each and every word I’ve resonated with. I’ve been on this journey for more than 3 years and I’ve never ever felt so lonely in my life. The ppl I know have all conceived easily within 6 months of starting. I don’t have a single example of struggling TTCer who I can confide in with or share my anxieties with. This group is the only place where I don’t feel as lonely.
Worst is I tried confiding in with ppl who haven’t had any trouble conceiving. They wouldn’t even know what ovulation is 🤦🏻♀️ haha. I rest my case here 😀
I didn’t tell anyone in my family for a long time. After some time, I had lunch with my mom and unloaded on her about everything. She confessed to me that she had a prior stillbirth (full term) before my oldest sister was born and how she struggled to conceive for over a year afterwards. This was back in the 80s and she’d already had baby showers, quit her job, and told everyone they were having a baby. She then had to struggle through a whole year being unemployed while people kept calling or asking about her baby the whole year. She’d never shared this with me before. I had no idea the kind of trauma she carried with her. It’s brought us together and solidified our bond in more ways I can count. I’m really happy I talked to her about it, and it helps to have someone other than my husband to vent with and bounce ideas off of. I wish you the best moving forward. This is a hard burden to carry.
Oh my goodness, this is awful, your poor poor mum. It’s nice that you were able to share with her and it’s brought you closer together. Thank you, wishing you all the best in your journey too x
I decided to stop sharing when my sister (who I consider my best friend) responded with the assumption of "at least you could afford IVF if it gets to that point thanks to your husband's income. We couldn't do that if we had needed to." (For the record, we don't make enough to "easily afford" IVF). Other comments I got from other family and friends: "your time will come," "it happens when you least expect it," "[insert relative here] has been through more than you guys to have their child." Unfortunately, sharing has NOT helped me feel any less alone.
I have a toxic mum who always seems happy if I’m faced with any difficulties. I never told her about my 2 miscarriages so as to protect myself. But she can’t seem to shut up about the fact that I’m still not having a baby yet. So even though I don’t talk to her about it, she kept trying to yap about it and it pissed me off… because by staying silent , it made her assume automatically that I’m the problem… and I hate it …
Tell people. I’ve always been incredibly open about my experiences with multiple losses and going through IVF.
My close friend from high school has MS and other fertility issues and fell pregnant before me and it was so kind how she supported me with our other friends.
I found being open about the journey reduces stigma and you’ll be surprised how many people are actually kind about it.
I've learned not to tell anyone anymore. The worst is when "friends" hide their baby news from you and make you feel isolated instead.
I'd rather my friends not think of me as a "failure", because I certainly don't see myself as one!
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I thought being open would be the right choice. There have been instances where I learned that others were struggling. I’ve had friends show compassion. But there has also been a lot of “just stop trying and it’ll happen”, “you are too stressed, that isn’t good for you”, “how do you think you’ll get pregnant with that mindset” comments. In hindsight, I’d be more selective about what I share. I don’t think it helped me feel any less isolated and alone.
This has been experience as well. I now understand why infertility is such a hidden struggle. Putting up with all the comments makes the whole thing infinitely harder. Much easier to just keep your head down and say nothing. If anything, telling people made me feel more alone because I became ashamed when others judged my feelings.
My therapist told me not to stress. She even said ‘do you think a baby is going to grow in a stressed out environment?’. It annoyed me, but through these comments starting to realise how insensitive that was 🤯
I wouldn’t think babies would grow in a crackhead environment but that seems to happen every day so 🙄 I hate people sometimes.
I have learned to be careful of who you open up to after I did with my sil. Especially if they have had no issues conceiving. It welcomes unsolicited advise, such as "are you tracking your ovulation?" "have you tried this ovulation tracker? It worked for me" no you're fertile, that's what worked for you. And yes, I am doing everything I possibly can and driving myself crazy. Some people just don't get the struggle.
My problem is that the majority of people Id tell already have babies, and I honestly feel like no one gets it unless they’ve been through it. Will definitely keep this in mind though, thank you x
In my experience, the ones who have kids are the ones giving the advise and it's in a way as if you don't know what you're doing, especially if they had no trouble conceiving. I completely agree, unless they have gone through it, they won't understand. I have opened up to two of my best friends who are also going through similar to what I am and they have been so understanding and helpful. I also chose to not tell the parents on my side or my husbands, i didn't want the extra pressure that they already make me feel.
My reply is a long one so apologies! We have flip flopped so many times on this. When we originally started TTC toward the end of 2018 we kept it to ourselves. And I honestly didn’t really know what to expect with TTC and how hard it’d be. My husband had just come through a deep depression and we hadn’t been intimate for a year so it was already enough pressure that telling family seemed like it’d just add more pressure. We tried on and off through about 2020 - honestly I don’t know if we really ever got timing right and we weren’t consistent. We stopped in 2021 because I started having more difficult and painful periods. I was diagnosed with endo in August 2022 after a lap and I lost my left ovary and tube. I was heartbroken. My husband sent this beautiful text to both sides of the family that my health was what mattered, that this may impact if and how we have a child, and we’d need support, etc. Crickets. On both sides. No one really addressed it. My mom at one point said we could always adopt 🙄 and my MIL said she always thought she’d have a bunch of grandchildren but it was “okay” 🙄🙄 It was like people were afraid of me. I went through so many family members and friends sharing their positive pregnancy stories during this time and it killed me inside. About 3-4 months after my surgery I was feeling so low and emotional. Another family member shared their GF was pregnant (these are two people who should not be together and the GF takes advantage of the family member who has mental impairments). My husband and I lost it. I told him I was done going to holidays and birthdays and getting kids shoved in my face while no one asked how we were. Their “pregnancy” was fake. All a joke. His family brushed it off. I was so hurt. I still remember my husband yelling at his mom “it’s always about kids, kids, kids! And nobody asks how me or my wife are doing. It’s breaking us.” After that my MIL started gently asking more about how we’re doing with everything. I went off endo meds back in August 2023 and we actively started TTC in November 2023. I still didn’t tell anyone. With no positives yet I got an HSG done along with my AMH. My tube was clear! My AMH is about .96 which my RE said is on the lower side of normal but doesn’t mean I’m out. My husband encouraged me to share the procedure with my mom and sister. I hesitated but as the appointment got closer I was so anxious. I sent them a very long text about what was going on and specifically what I needed from them. They were so supportive! We also told my MIL and FIL we were TTC and they were so kind. They were asking questions that were thoughtful and appropriate. In the end, I’m glad we’ve shared our recent TTC journey. The things said in the past still ring in my ears sometimes, but there’s the possibility of having to do IUI and IVF and I want to control the narrative. I want and need the support. Sometimes you just have to clarify what you’re looking for from people. Good luck 🙏🏻💞
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this all out. Sounds like you’ve been on one hell of a journey. I’m so glad your family ‘get it’ and understand what you need now. Shame it took your husband having to shout at his mum. And ditto my AMH is also low 🙁 0.8… But… keeping my fingers crossed for you, me and all the other women and men going through this. Wishing you all the luck 🍀x
We didn't share about our secondary infertility diagnosis until we started IVF. We just needed a little more support during that time. We only shared with a few trusted family members (my husband's parents and his sister). They were respectful and very kind. However, we didn't share with anyone that we thought would not be helpful like my own parents (my mother is a gossip and also because of her political/religious views, I know that she has an unfavorable view of IVF which is not helpful when you're doing IVF.) So I would say tell whoever you want to share with because you may want some support but have a little caution. Some people report that they have family that constantly ask for updates which can be annoying if you have no "good" or positive news to share.
How did you cope with not being able to share with your parents? I'm in a similar situation with my mom's beliefs.
Eh, I don’t know that it was particularly difficult to refrain from sharing with them since I knew what the consequences of doing so would entail. Especially the judgment coming from my mom. I don’t usually tell them everything anyway. We have a friendly relationship but I wouldn’t in a million years call us close. They are pretty much on a need to know basis for most things. But, on top of having a close friend who also did IVF that I could lean on, I also sought out therapist to help talk through all my feelings. Which was incredibly helpful.
Not OP. Cope by knowing your choices. If they know, then you are hurt by their words and opinions, you feel alone, and you will likely hold onto some of the comments they make..causing you to feel bitter towards someone you love. If they don’t know, then you feel alone or might feel guilt from not being fully honest or have thoughts of “maybe they might understand”…(they won’t, trust your instinct). Cope by knowing it sucks no matter what but the latter keeps the control in your hands and hurts less.
I regret telling some people about it but others I’m glad to have the support from. I feel like I can’t win because whether or not I tell people, I get insensitive comments. For the people who know, they might say the typical “don’t stress and it will happen” etc but then the people who don’t know we’ve been trying for about 3 years and are doing IUI many times assume we chose not to have children. Those actually get to me more because they’ll say things like “you guys are smart, you get to enjoy your lives blah blah” or they assume because of our age there’s no way we could be trying to have a baby. And I don’t want to discuss it with them so I say nothing. When we did our first IUI, I shared with 3 very close friends. Two of them (the ones who also don’t have children) have been so supportive and respectful and I’m so glad I can talk to them. My third friend who has 2 kids doesn’t seem to take it seriously and doesn’t get it given she easily conceived both of her kids. So I won’t be sharing any additional details with her. It’s tough.
You have to do what’s best for you (obviously). I’m turning 34 soon and have had no successful pregnancies but four losses. My first pregnancy we told close family and friends at nine weeks then miscarried so they know my fertility struggles. Am working with a specialist now and it’s honestly the hardest challenge I’ve faced. And it’s very lonely. So personally, I’m happy a few close people know because even with them knowing - I often feel I’m struggling alone.
I decided to share, and I was shocked about how many people I knew not only went through infertility, but IVF as well. It definitely made me feel less alone.
I think this very much depends on “knowing your audience”. Like are you close with the people you plan on telling or would this get out to your extended family? Are you super religious and/or is your family? I find a lot of religious beliefs can be an unintended road block when you have to start fertility treatments. And I guess finally, are you in an emotional state where you can handle everyone and their mom telling you “helpful” things? If not, I’d keep it to just very close friends/family. If you are, then full transparency. This is such a mentally taxing journey and you need to take care of your own mental state before anyone else’s. And sometimes that means acknowledging that people that you thought would be there for you aren’t and that’s just how it is. Hoping things go better for you than I’ve personally encountered with my own infertility (recurrent pregnancy loss)
We told my family pretty early on, but chose not to tell Hubs' family until after the birth of SIL's first child (first baby on that side of the family) as we didn't want his parents/sister to have any feelings other than joy around that. They've been nothing but supportive since. My family is a little more "surface level" when it comes to important things, so they don't really ask us about it much. Even when we share details it seems like they don't pay attention or remember things, but I'm just used to it now. My dad will make comments from time to time about how he'll probably die before he sees grand kids and I'm constantly reminding him how insensitive that is to me. As for friends, we chose to only share it with each of our very close circles. None of my friends are really in the same phase of life as we are, so I think it's hard for them to understand but they do ask questions and try to offer support in the ways they think helps. Overall, I'm glad we shared with all that we have- infertility is so isolating, and while our friends haven't been there, it's nice to have people around who you can talk to about it all, other than your spouse who's going through it with you or an internet forum.
I've been very open about my unexplained fertility issues starting since my first MC in December 2021. I know people are against it because of the negative stigma but I prefer to be open and go against the grain. It has led to so much understanding and compassion and friends and family understand why I show up to showers and other celebrations briefly (if at all). Just share what you feel comfortable in telling others, to whom you're comfortable telling.
In general my experience is being open is the best. Yes you will get unsolicited opinions, pity and insensitivity… But you also get a lot of understanding and support from maybe people you least expected. It’s also an opportunity to educate the people around you. Infertility is still such a big taboo we need to be more open. At work I got full support from my manager and have opened up with some colleagues. With friends and family it helped many to stop asking us when were we going to have kids. I had some family members come to me sharing their struggles and how they wish they were more open about it. My husband also started to be more open about it at work with colleagues. He has had several male colleagues reach out to him because they are or have had infertility issues. From my husband’s perspective it’s even a bigger taboo between men and he feels speaking up about it has been very helpful to process his feelings and knowing he’s not alone. But hey this is our experience. We are 5 years TTC with failed IUI and IVF plus endometriosis… Our first year we were more private about it but have learned to be more open as years go by.
Yeah...I was open about my struggles because I was tired of getting comments about when we were having kids or if we were preggers yet. Overall 95% of people made annoying and redundant comments. I got everything from "just relax" "go on a vacation" "it will happen when you stop trying" To a coworker trying to explain ovulation to me and ovulation test and how I must not know and that I need a particular app. I was well over a year into trying and seeing an RE. Of course she was pregnant (again) and must be an expert. Be careful who you talk to unless you are really good at shrugging it off
For me it’s been good and bad. I told my two closest friends, my boss, and my sister. My sister I told right after she told me she was pregnant again, and that’s been a mixed bag. Helpful bc she knows I’m struggling but also frustrating bc sometimes she gives “advice” to try to make me stay positive and sometimes I just don’t want advice. But I am glad she knows. My two friends, one is a great listening ear and the other is also great BUT she’s been struggling with infertility for 3 years so I’ve noticed when I talk to her my anxiety just goes up. She has lumped me in with her own experiences and has pretty much told me to buckle up and prepare for all the tests and IUIs etc that idk if I’ll even need yet since so far all I know of my issues is low AMH (and my understanding from my RE is that that isn’t what’s preventing me from getting pregnant). The true infertility diagnosis hasn’t come yet. She’s said it’s been nice having someone to relate with on the struggles and I agree but it also can make me spiral more. And finally, I told my boss. I love her, have known her for 6+ years, and I told her bc I knew I was reaching my breaking point mentally and that she’d support me in whatever time I needed. She doesn’t ask me about it and doesn’t bring it up, but will check in when she knows I have a test done (like the HSG) and see how I’m doing. She also has been supportive of me just needing to take off work for my mental health at times so that’s been great.
We’ve been pretty up front with those close to us. Our parents were both sad as they wanted us to have children. Sisters and brothers on all sides do their best to help. We’ve become godparents partially because of our struggles (just my take, not confirmed) it seems. I’ve told my close guys and their takes have been interesting as they are on opposite ends of the spectrum. One has 3 and wanted 4. One didn’t want kids and had an accident and has become a great dad. The only person who can fully relate is my wife. There isn’t a single person around us who wanted kids that didn’t have at least one. But it’s better to be out in the open
The only people who know are a couple of my managers at work, and that’s because I had to take a few days off when I initially found out about our fertility issues.
Having a very.......frustrating.... MIL, I would think and consider carefully before about your relationship with each person you're wanting to tell. We haven't told anyone about our journey outside of medical professionals and one of my good friends because she's a nurse and has helped me with a lot of questions. So if they're trustworthy and have been supportive or helpful with other difficult things in the past, yes. Not trying to scare you but I would just think through each person and/or couple.
I don’t really regret being open about it but I think it’s because it’s well known in my family how much I want kids and then after being with my husband for almost 9 years (almost 4 married) and not having getting pregnant I just kept getting so many “when are you having kids?” And anytime I had good news about anything the phone call would go something like this “Oh I have something to tell you!” “Oh really?! Are you pregnant?” “Uh.. no I got a new car..” “Oh” So I had to eventually be like “look I want kids, I really want kids but it’s not happening right now. I’m working with doctors to change that but yeah” And that pretty much made it clear that it’s really hard for us. I think it helps that the problem *currently* on my husband’s end, so I don’t get any of the “just relax” comments other people report.
I tell everyone everything, because that’s just my personality. If it’s someone I’m not close with I don’t go into detail but if they ask about kids I’ll say we’re trying but I have PCOS so we’re working with an infertility clinic. That said, I’m a very open person about everything and privacy has never made me feel better. I’ve gotten overwhelmingly a positive response, but people do ask a lot of questions and sometimes say stupid things. I’m not really bothered by it though so I don’t mind talking about it or educating people. I’m also not really emotionally impacted by my infertility as much as many people around are. I enjoy my friends babies, don’t mind pregnant people, and I knew I would need help conceiving since I was a teen so I didn’t go into this expecting a baby anytime soon after trying. With me it would’ve also been awkward not to tell people because I love babies and kids, and have always been open about wanting them. Plus I was 29 and had just gotten married after dating my husband for ten years. Everyone could tell what the plan was.
I stopped taking the pill in July and have had only 3 actual periods since then. Probably all anovulatory. Last week I had some scans and bloodwork done and while I am waiting for the definitive results, the scans showed way too many follicles. So, PCOS. I told my mom, who is patiently waiting for the actual results and doctors plan. Two friends, one of which is in a similar situation and the other who remembers my doctors appointments and checks in with me every time. I have been really amazed by her support. I also told my boss about the posibility of hormone tablets and she is supportive. I told another coworker today as tomorrow I get the results and I suspect she's gonna check in with me after. I must admit though, I have one friend I told about my cycles just before New Years. I was on day 83 of my cycle back then. Literally 3 days later we discussed our 2024 - plans mostly. She then said: "And hopefully a baby in 2024 too!" Like... that gave me literally 3 months and at that point, that was just one cycle too. I know she is just excited about our plans for a baby, seeing as she already has two. But I found that SO insensitive. I'm not telling her anything for a while. I love being able to talk about it. But just not with everyone, I guess. Edit to say: playing devills advocate here... Maybe your friend did not have the guts and the heart to tell you about her baby, asuming it must be painful for you.
We’re 3 years married and the kids questions have been coming up a lot more and I haven’t minded telling me we’re now open to kids so whenever it happens is my standard answer. Only one friend (for now) knows that we’re going down the fertility clinic route because we haven’t been preventing the last 3 years. We just got the results of the initial testing we did and for me, I think there’s no need to say anything yet as we’re doing a little more testing and I’ll likely only be starting TI in May. If we ever get to the iui or ivf stage, I think I’ll tell close friends and family but on a delayed timeline because I don’t think I’ll be able to keep up with answering all the questions in real time.
For me I’ve been super open. It worked for me but not for everyone. My friend and I ended up doing Ivf together. She didn’t tell anyone else except her close family. She probably wouldn’t have told me if I wasn’t so open about my iui and Ivf journeys.
My family have been wonderful. My in-laws have been incredibly hurtful.
Can’t believe how much I relate to your post. It’s not even funny! Each and every word I’ve resonated with. I’ve been on this journey for more than 3 years and I’ve never ever felt so lonely in my life. The ppl I know have all conceived easily within 6 months of starting. I don’t have a single example of struggling TTCer who I can confide in with or share my anxieties with. This group is the only place where I don’t feel as lonely. Worst is I tried confiding in with ppl who haven’t had any trouble conceiving. They wouldn’t even know what ovulation is 🤦🏻♀️ haha. I rest my case here 😀
I didn’t tell anyone in my family for a long time. After some time, I had lunch with my mom and unloaded on her about everything. She confessed to me that she had a prior stillbirth (full term) before my oldest sister was born and how she struggled to conceive for over a year afterwards. This was back in the 80s and she’d already had baby showers, quit her job, and told everyone they were having a baby. She then had to struggle through a whole year being unemployed while people kept calling or asking about her baby the whole year. She’d never shared this with me before. I had no idea the kind of trauma she carried with her. It’s brought us together and solidified our bond in more ways I can count. I’m really happy I talked to her about it, and it helps to have someone other than my husband to vent with and bounce ideas off of. I wish you the best moving forward. This is a hard burden to carry.
Oh my goodness, this is awful, your poor poor mum. It’s nice that you were able to share with her and it’s brought you closer together. Thank you, wishing you all the best in your journey too x
I decided to stop sharing when my sister (who I consider my best friend) responded with the assumption of "at least you could afford IVF if it gets to that point thanks to your husband's income. We couldn't do that if we had needed to." (For the record, we don't make enough to "easily afford" IVF). Other comments I got from other family and friends: "your time will come," "it happens when you least expect it," "[insert relative here] has been through more than you guys to have their child." Unfortunately, sharing has NOT helped me feel any less alone.
Ugh noo why did she do that?? Although I also feel like this is the type of comment MY sister would make!! Would 💯 p*** me off!!
I have a toxic mum who always seems happy if I’m faced with any difficulties. I never told her about my 2 miscarriages so as to protect myself. But she can’t seem to shut up about the fact that I’m still not having a baby yet. So even though I don’t talk to her about it, she kept trying to yap about it and it pissed me off… because by staying silent , it made her assume automatically that I’m the problem… and I hate it …
Your mum sounds awful. I’m so sorry. Try to stay strong, don’t give her that power. Sending you all the best wishes x
Tell people. I’ve always been incredibly open about my experiences with multiple losses and going through IVF. My close friend from high school has MS and other fertility issues and fell pregnant before me and it was so kind how she supported me with our other friends. I found being open about the journey reduces stigma and you’ll be surprised how many people are actually kind about it.
I've learned not to tell anyone anymore. The worst is when "friends" hide their baby news from you and make you feel isolated instead. I'd rather my friends not think of me as a "failure", because I certainly don't see myself as one!