Added information for context. MIL's home is filthy. They have no food, just alcohol. No running water in the bathroom sink, animal waste everywhere. đ She is very low income, living off a miniscule disability. She refuses to make changes to help herself. She does not work, does not have an operational vehicle, no way to help herself.
On the contrary, I say she ITA. Adult protective services may have been the correct course of action, but it wasn't OP's place. It was he hubby's, and she should have convinced him to make the call.
But not by an in law. It wasn't OP's place. I would be livid if my fiance called them on my brother (the alcoholic in my family, and she knows of a VERY good reason to call them on him. But it's not her place.)
You can think it's not her place. I think it's the place of any rational, responsible adult who's aware of the situation.
You call 911 when you see a car crash, you don't wait for the most appropriate caller to decide they're up for it.
But you don't choose to be in a car crash. The MIL does choose to drink and do drugs. It's her choice, and while we may not agree with her decision, it's hers too make. We can't make her change her ways, as much as we'd love to.
For all we know, OP made the call bc of the animosity they share.
I think when OP mentioned letting them outside, they meant letting them into the yard to pee or poop, go potty, etc. For example: "could you go let the dogs out, feed them, & walk them?" is really common to hear where I am from.
And animal care & control is a no kill shelter in my county.
What does that have to do with my comment? She specifically mentioned taking them to animal control which is what my response was addressing.
I love how you edited your comment AFTER I responded adding in something about a no kill shelter.
You mentioned that the animals shouldn't be punished. What is the punishment that the animals are receiving? OP said that their husband is taking care of the animals. I don't think that they meant that their husband was releasing or abandoning them when they said letting them out.
She specifically mentioned taking them to animal control. Animal control can euthanize the cats which is why I specifically mentioned a no kill shelter in that same comment!
Are you actually pretending that all states & all counties are no kill?
Please look into other options besides animal control. Animal control euthanizes animals after a certain period of time if they are not adopted. On the other hand, there are many no kill shelters, local rescues, breed rescues, and foster based rescues that do not euthanize unless it's medically necessary. Do not punish the animals just because the owner is irresponsible. Please try to find them a place where they will be safe and cared for.
Our animal control is also a no kill shelter. They'd be adopted and not put down. I won't say a word about the animals unless someone suggest we take them. I can't do 45 cats, and the two dogs are not allowed here. I dispise them. And her rats? Nope. Not under this roof. We already have 6 people and 2 dogs in under 1100 Sq ft .
Do you literally mean *forty five* cats??? I feel like that deserves a call all its own.... That is too many animals for anyone to actually be taking care of.
NTA she needs help and isn't willing/able to get it herself
Oh my goodness, Pugs! They're completely unhousetrained now, and they are so stubborn. I can totally imagine the mess when she hasn't been letting them out regularly. They'll get adopted out quickly at the shelter, and Pugs form attachments to new people quickly, so they'll be fine. MIL will be mad, but it's better for the dogs and for her.
I've unfortunately heard so many stories of people with massive amounts of animals (like 80 cats inside) 45 didn't seem impossible. I'm glad it's not that many
That's a relief. It's great to hear that the animal control is a no kill shelter. And it's totally understandable that you can't take them in personally. After all, you already seem to have your hands very full. So just do the best you can to get through this situation and try to take care of yourself and your family.
Please not animal control. Please take them to a no kill shelter. Good luck with whatever you end up doing about MIL. Youâre in a tough spot. Have you told the hospital about her narcotic addiction? So they know not to give her any?
This sounds awful, but from past experience I would recommend doing as little cleanup as possible until the authorities evaluate the home situation. They need to be able to document how bad the situation really is and would facilitate their case.
Do not bring her home or allow your husband to be her main care provider. She will be a full time job. Also, do not clean up her place. Let them see it.
I don't think she will ever admit she has a problem. Look at how many times she's ended up in the ER. She heals, gets discharged and goes home to get drunk again. She's a glutton for punishment as long as she can reach a bottle.
Youâre in the right here. If her case doesnât match the criteria then they wonât take her on but from the sounds of it, she fits the bill exactly. Hopefully it actually helps
The answer to your question is highly location dependent.
You should inform the hospital staff of her substance use history (although they probably already know based on tests, bloodwork, past admissions, etc). You should also inform the hospital staff that you will not be able to care for her at home, and that her home is an unsafe environment. Theoretically, they should assist in making safe discharge plans.
I don't know where you're located. If in the USA, I have no idea what hospitals do for discharge planning. Where I am, the hospital is responsible for ensuring there is a safe home environment to return to, while respecting patient autonomy. They would assist with setting up home care and contacts with social workers, etc. Someone would not be discharged if the home environment was not deemed safe.
Make sure the hospital knows that you are not going to take care of her. I can't emphasize that enough. She could be telling them that she has a safe place to go and resources to rely upon. They should know that this is not the case.
So you did the right thing by calling APS, but they aren't going to do anything in this situation. If your MIL is mentally competent enough to make these decisions then she has a right to self neglect. So unless she has some other issue like dementia or something that would deem her mentally incompetent, then they'll not be able to do anything.
I was a social worker in a hospital and we had a woman we called APS for weekly because her family couldn't care for her and she just lay in the couch in her own filth until she got drunk and fell again and ended up back at the hospital. APS couldn't do anything, cause she was still able to be her own decision maker.
Could be true in that jurisdiction BUT if OP & husband wonât accept helping her recover at home the hospital wonât send her home unless she can care for herself. Could get her into residential rehab for drugs and or physical therapy or long term residential care.
Thank you for this! People think APS is the same as CPS but if an adult chooses to live in filth they actually have that right in most cases. I work in a support position in social work and we deal with this a lot. Had a man keep trying to get his parents to leave their very old falling down house. They were very elderly but of sound mind and we kept having to tell him we could not force them to move.
Severe addiction has a better chance than this, at least, because it's easier to argue the adult not being of sound mind/incapable of making their own decisions due to it. Still not good, and I don't know if it works differently in the US, but at least worth a try.
Man, this hits home. You could be describing my mother's house as it was when she died at 59... Drank herself to death.
Her death saved my step father's life.
NTA. This kind of addiction destroys lives and puts addict and others at risk. Enabling them by "protecting" the addict just ensures you also get to bear the guilt and responsibility if it gets them or some one else killed. The only right thing you can do is to tell the truth and refuse to enable the behavior.
Us family members tend to look the other way and enable them to continue their bad choices because we feel guilty. Because we don't want to rock the boat. Because it's easier to keep the peace than face the unknown consequences of pitching their asses overboard. But pitching them over is what keeps everyone else safe. It's up to them to swim by choosing sobriety, or drown in their addiction. The alternative is allowing them to capsize the whole boat and watching others drown. That's not a guilt you want to live with.
Call adult protective services for both mil and her partner, that does not sound like a safe environment for him to return to after his hospital stay.
They both need professional help. It is far too much for just you and DH to try and cope with, plus it sounds far too gone for your help anyway
Oh she lives with a long time BF. He's terrible. She did have a working vehicle up until a few weeks ago. I'm certain she has hee minions who do her bidding. Not us. Clearly.
Which she will fight for certain. If she gets out of a rehab program, she will immediately turn back to her ways. I wish her the best, but I can't do anything beyond what I did. I should add, I didn't tell my husband I was calling the hospital or adult protective services. So I might be the a hole there.
You are doing the right thing. It is way too much of a burden to handle without professional help. Make the call and keep it to yourself. I'm a state mandated reporter, and these types of situations are the worst.
Sometimes doing what needs to be done without telling is the no-AH move. Your husband would probably have stopped you. This is what needed to happen. You did well. NTA.
I immediately fussed up when he came home for his lunch today. He wasn't upset. He told me he just hadn't even been able to try to wrap his head around her plan for after she leaves the hospital because he's been so overwhelmed by her dozens of calls and chores she wants him to do, and he's the only person in his current department at his job (can't find people who can pass the drug tests) so he's just too overwhelmed. I hope it doesn't cause too much drama. I'd feel even worse if I didn't say what I did and she was found the next time deceased
Exactly. You were protecting him, and his mom, and your own conscious. That isn't an asshole thing. That's a caring thing, and a human thing. Your husband wasn't able to do it, and I don't blame him, but someone had to make that call. You did good.
Youâre doing the right thing. Youâre husband might want to try Al Anon or IC with a therapist that treats children if alcoholics. She may or may not quit drinking. But, she wonât even try until she hits bottom. And that wonât happen if he continues to enable her. Itâs hard and heartbreaking but he needs help to stop it. Wishing you all the best. Loving an addict is the most heartbreaking thing.
Thank you. Sadly, my husband has had severe alcoholism as well, but was able to completely quit a few years back. So we are both very familiar with AA and AL Anon. I may go back to AL Anon depending on how this situation pans out. Thank you
Wishing you all the best. Even more important for him to break contact with active alcoholics, it puts his sobriety at risk. My ex was over for 17 years, hasnât been sober now in 5. Itâs an ugly disease.
It's true that rehab typically doesn't stick when someone goes unwillingly, but it's still the best corse of action here. You and your husband can't take care of her in the way she needs, and frankly, she's not safe to have in your home with your kids.
Addiction is a terrible illness to suffer from, and as much as I feel for her, she won't get better if her family enables her.
Itâs all true, but you canât force it. The only thing OP can do here is refuse to except her in their care when the hospital releases her. OP should start talking to the social workers at the hospital about this immediately.
NTA. The kind of help she needs is beyond what you and your husband can give her. Also, she needs help urgently, or she may not survive her next injury.
NTA, she clearly needs help and thatâs what adult services are for. However, this seems to be less about your husband suffering than you and your family being dragged into MILâs drama. Itâs ok to admit this.
You did the right thing. You may need to consider going no contact once sheâs released. It sounds harsh but at this point you have to protect yourselves and your husbandâs sobriety.
NTA
It can be about both.
I have a relative with a drinking problem and complex medical needs his wife can't handle. He should be in a home. She won't pull the trigger on that, even though she has to pull in other people every time he, or she, has another medical crisis. She can't leave him alone, so she's neglecting her appts & mental health.
He made the decision years ago not to protect their finances from nursing homes, b/c he knew that was where he was headed and he had zero intention of changing. Now, he too brain-damaged (aneurysms & wet brain) to make better decisions.
I care about him.
I care about his wife.
And I care about the people around them, including me, who they are inconveniencing in this situation.
I've made a conscious decision to stop enabling. Others haven't.
NTA
Oh yes. My 2 BILs will certainly not understand. They'll squawk about it, yet can't or won't take the time to come out to the West Coast from their states out in the Midwest. We don't expect them to. đ I just know some will judge me calling me heartless. At the end of the day. She's not my mom and I have no responsibility to clean up the mess she's made for herself.
Exactly. Good for you, taking care of your family while also caring enough for assuring his mother has a safe place to land. It isnât as though youâve cast her into the street.
I think in this scenario Iâd ask hubby call a family meeting to talk about her issues (without her there) and if nothing got resolved, you gotta look out for your own immediate familyâs well being.
And even still, someone who wonât take care of themselves and expects others to always clean up their messes doesnât deserve your endless care. Contacting protective services isnât just turning your backs either - itâs connecting a service that is far more capable than you and your husband to take care of MIL
Seriously, tell your BILs if they care so much to take her into their homes and see what happens
I guess I'm having such a hard time with this because on my aide of the family, we circle the wagons and help loved ones no matter what we have to do. However, I think sharing shifts to care for a 97-year-old grandma to keep her out of a facility to pass is a totally different situation. My MIL is in hear early 60s and chose to live her life this way. I just feel like a horrible person because I'm not willing to move her into my house or pay for care or something. I can't afford to, even if we wanted to.
Youâre not horrible at all. You just know that what your MIL needs is way beyond what you and your husband can provide.
Itâs a shitty situation, and it will be hard for everyone as she gets closer to discharge.
My family is similar, we took turns looking after my dad as he was dying because he wanted to die at home. It was so different for my FIL, his needs were way too high for us to manage, so we arranged for him to go to hospice.
I'm sorry you've had to expirence that. :( My own father is also a horrible person and I wouldn't be capable of caring for him due to the history of verbal/emotional abuse. I'm so glad you were able to be there for yours.
You cannot save people from themselves and you canât set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Taking care of your elderly grandmother is not the same as repeatedly bailing your MIL out of self-created catastrophes. (Unless Grandma got into her situation by going on a pass-out drunk bender.)
My mother was an alcoholic and an addict, who abandoned my brothers and me when we were kids. As adults, we tried everything we could think of to rescue her. Eventually, it became obvious to each of us that we had to protect our own children. When I finally cut her off, I told her to call me when she got clean. I kept my phone number the same and even paid for an extra listing in the phone book when I remarried and changed my name, just in case she couldnât remember my new name. She never called. When she ODâd in 2002, none of us had spoken to her in at least 4 years. There are still so many âwhat ifâs but we couldnât do anything for her if she was intent on fighting against it.
Good luck with your MIL. Iâm sorry about your grandmotherâs situation.
Your MIL needs full time professional help and you are not that kind pf professional, nor are you and your husband available full time to care for her. You cannot do what she needs.
If your husband balks at that, you and he need to talk about what it would mean to have her live with your children.
Would she bring drugs into your home? Friends/suppliers? Is that the life he wants for your kids?
She would create additional messes. Who would be cleaning up after her?
Would you have to lock away medications? Alcohol? Your valuables?
Really dig into the pragmatic details. The conclusion is going to be that it won't work. At that point, be empathetic. It's his mom. He wants to help, but this isn't the help you two can give.
NAH
Yuuup, coming from someone that had a benzo and alcohol problem a couple years a go. Sounds like she's probably just doing it to get meds in the first place.
NTA - My father was an alcoholic who died a few years back (like you said with your MIL, nice person but serious issues) do whatever you can because if something happens down the road you can tell yourself you did everything you could. People with these issues will try to get you to enable them but ultimately it will you who will be left with the guilt if you didnt step in if something happens. Having family members with these issues is ultimately a thankless role because youre basically the asshole for stopping their fun and not letting them kill themselves.
NTA. You need to protect your kids, so bringing an unruly alcoholic into the house is a non-starter. You did the right thing, OP. If your husband doesn't agree, then he needs to check his priorities and realize the needs of his wife and children supercede those of his alcoholic mother. She needs professional help, this isn't something her son can fix for her. Best of luck to you OP, what a terribly stressful situation you are in.
Iâm gonna be honest, I doubt that will happen. You canât teach an old dog new tricks. You shouldnât be the one having to do this, your husband should be. I doubt she cares or would even consider listening to you, someone sheâs only even known for around 5 years. This should be coming from her son.
She no longer likes me since I told her she is not allowed to come over without calling first. She would show up, drunk, yes driving herself, looking for my husband. While he's at work. I said she was rude and I wouldn't be answering the door anymore unless she called me first. She has zero reasons to be in my house when her son isn't home. She also brings her nasty dog that will pee on my furniture, scare my dogs and stink up the house. Her and the dog. So, there's that too. She won't change. I know that.
APS canât do anything as long as she has legal capacity to make her own shitty life choices. If she were severely demented it would be another story.
Nta. Boundaries. You set them. No one said we are obligated to deal with our parents their way. Care givers can be found for some of this. Maybe groceries once in a while for them but besides that donât let her bring your family down. Boundaries are crucial here.
Your NTA, but good luck getting adult services to do anything. I called them more times than I could tell you, as did my sibling and the hospital for my physically disabled father who was living in a house covered in mold and a leaky roof- like having to put pots around to catch water and bed sores because he was immobile but would say he was fine. Around that time he was being hospitalized repeatedly after being found unconscious (lack of o2) and would check himself out AMA every single time. The last time I called was probably October of 21, he passed away June of 22 and they have yet to return a call to either my sister or I. Iâm not sure how old your mil is but my Dad was early 70âs.
NTA, but unless sheâs declared mentally incompetent to care for herself (in which case she would need a legal guardian), APS isnât going to do anything. People are allowed to make horrible decisions with life changing consequences, but any expectation to have you (or your husband) clean up her mess is an absurd expectation. I encourage you to continue to object to your husband enabling this behavior.
NTA and if you have to tell your husband think about the fact that if you guys did take in MIL than it could be more damaging to your family and could even possibly result in your children being removed from the home for allowing someone like that around them.
Being honest with her health care providers is the only way MIL will get the appropriate care, support, and resources she needs. Case management is another way to get her the right referrals and help from people who are not emotionally motivated, and are mandated reporters. NTA for not enabling her alcoholism and self-destructive behavior.
NTA. If she was in withdrawal, the hospital is well aware of her problem. They probably sent a social worker in to speak with her. They canât give you her health info without permission, but you can tell them anything you feel is relevant. Your husband can also request a psych evaluation. Unfortunately, no matter what you do, nothing will work until she wants help. And you setting boundaries is one of the best things you can do for yourself and her. Calling APS is you making the effort, and knowing you tried. The rest is up to her, and unless the rest of her kids physically step in and help, tough sh*t if theyâre upset.
You should speak with a patient advocate at the hospital. Explain her situation and that you and your husband are unable to care for her. She can not be discharged to her own home such as it is. They will get her moved into a rehabilitation center.
Your MIL is clearly an alcoholic and needs approrpriate professional treatment for her illness:
this is what your husband needs to face. If you can, take you husband to an Al-Anon meeting: these are the meetings for people who have loved ones who are alcoholics. It will be an eye-opener for him. OR take him to a counselor and together meet. Your MIL needs residential drug-alcohol treatment, alcohol counseling, and treatment. Help your husband sees she has a MEDICAL illness that needs treatment, and treatment works. The problems if she refuses to get help, which is not unusual, but it looks like an intervention in the hospital is needed BEFORE she is discharged, which will happen any day now. Don't pick her up from the hospital without that discharge meeting to confront her on alcoholism.
NTA you need to have that discussion with your husband but honestly she does need to be reported. You both have busy lives and will not be able to care for her when she is discharged
NTA. You wonât save her even if you take her in, she will just wreak havoc in your house. APS was the right call regardless of the fallout, and as bad as it sounds, hospital staff will likely get blamed instead of you. Not sure if this has always been her life, but if itâs new behavior, I wonder about something neurological going on. I worked in the geriatric wing of a psychiatric hospital and we had some younger people (not like super young, but 50s and up) who had either a super early onset situation a bit like dementia, had a stroke that wasnât as obvious, or something else that was subtle that we discovered after they entered treatment with us and it made it a lot easier to understand their behavior and more comfortable for families to make decisions for their care.
Nothing you do will help her. She has to decide for herself. And sometimes hitting rock bottom like my Dad did still doesn't help. My Dad died in January of alcohol related issues, he was only 59. If you can you really need to walk away. Also NTA
I'm so sorry you've been through that! She's in her early 60s and is the oldest living female in her family. All have died from alcoholism early. Some even in their 40s. Including her own mother and little sister. It's a sad disease.
And I almost do hope this cuts all ties because it's so messed up. She's failed him since birth, one of his first memories is climbing up a chair yo find something to drink and ear as a toddler and drinking booze at 2 or 3 and starving while the adults were being POS parents.
As a healthcare worker, Iâm confused why she would need âhelpâ at discharge. If her fall made it to where she canât be upright, see if they can discharge her to a nursing facility for rehab. If sheâs just a mean lady who wants to milk her son for sympathy, then yeah, no rehab. But definitely call APS. Sadly, donât expect to not help though. APS is a slow process, sometimes.
I did leave a message for both APS, and the case manager for Monday. She won't admit to anyone she has any issues, including herself. I suspect she'll be back in the same boat within weeks if they do discharge her. To who? We aren't willing to take an entire day to drive the 3 hours to the hospital she is at, deal with her, her meds, getting her home, and caring for her. If her neighbor wants to drive there, he can. That's her only option besides getting medical transport. We both have full time jobs, 4 kids and I'm a full time undergraduate student. I couldn't take the time to assist with her if I wanted to. I can barely deal as is.
The hospital will arrange transport and swallow up the cost if needed. If social service clears herâŚ..Iâm a nurse and I have little faith in our healthcare system, and I see unsafe discharges sometimes đ¤ˇââď¸
This will likely be my last reply here. She shower up at our house. No call first. No heads up. Nothing. As if coming here was her only power move left. Forcing my husband to deal with her. To make it worse, her BFs POS daughter is the one who gave her a ride from hours away. And in stead of taking her home, she dumped her at our house. I was picking up teens from the gym. I quite literally would have flown off the handle if I was standing in my kitchen and saw that pair of fools pull up. đł I'm so angry. And I'm full of disgust. I left her "case manager" a nasty voicemail letting her know EXACTLY what we made certain was NOT to happen did. I was do mad I'm sure it was vile and extremely rude but OMG really? They couldn't even call her son to tell him she was being discharged? FFS!?!? Whatever. At this point. They're all dead to me. My husband said he chewed his mom out for being so disrespectful and showing her face her to basically gloat that she "escaped". She knee I was the one making all the calls and telling the truth. She's dead to me. Her. The BF and his disgusting daughter. I'm ok if I never see or hear anything regarding any of them again. Fuck them and their insanity.
NTA addiction wreaks havoc and puts a lot of burden on those around the addict as well. Right now in the midst of this might not be the best time but I recommend looking into Al-Anon which is for partners and family of alcoholics. Even if OPâs MIL doesnât seek help doesnât mean OP and/or OPâs hubby can find help for themselves.
Please go to Al Anon. This will give you the tools necessary to deal with her. Believe me when I say that helping her is enabling and hurting her. She needs to hit rock bottom and figure out whether she wants to stay there or quit her destructive behavior. Good luck. Been there.
You can certainly try to report it but Adult protective services will do nothing but file a report. People are allowed to be stupid, hurt themselves, live in filth as long as they have the mental capacity to continue making there own decisions there is nothing you can do to stop her from drinking and continuing to harm herself
NTA, but adult protective services can not stop her from self-neglect. They can offer her resources, but if she is choosing to continue to make bad choices, they can not stop her. People have the right to self-neglect and make bad choices.
Please please please call! Call ever agency, every health department, every code enforcement office to make a stink and get her help. Iâm an emt who has a âfrequent flyerâ that matches your MIL almost perfectly and we have all tried to reach out to get them services but weâre not family or anything so we get brushed off a lot. When the addiction becomes so strong that people begin to treat themselves inhumanly the RIGHT thing to do is step in.
Well I don't really have anything more to say except she was found unresponsive by my husband just a short while ago. She's being transported to the ER. Repeat. We've set more boundaries and I now have Ativan to use if, well when a situation arises again that forces me to question my humanity towards others. Oh and it's finals week and I have 2 courses to finish too. Mac and cheese, podcasts and bare minimum. Hoping hubby comes home ok. I know he's got to be seriously worried and not sure how to feel. I know he's angry, but that's still his mom. :( For now I'm just feeding our kids and planning to watch a movie with them before bed.
I brought up that I called the hospital, spoke to the nurses station and left a message regarding her discharge plans, also left messages regarding case management and to DHS seeking a social worker. He's not happy about it all of it, but he knows she isn't going to be able to come home and care for herself.
She is not married but does live with her BF in his home. He is currently in ICU on a ventilator. That's how she was able to go wild without notice, as he is typically the one who attempts to restrict her alcohol. He is also unwell and at this rate may not ever be able to look after her.
Ok, first she has a long-term boyfriend, and then a husband. I'm getting skeptical that this is a real situation.
CORRECTION: Oops, just reread the posting. My bad, it's the OP's husband, not the MIL's. Clearly I've been zoning out on Reddit too long this morning, er afternoon.
And there In lies the rub. Sheâs not your mother. So, donât call APS on her. Not your responsibility, right? APS canât force her to go into rehab. As much as you dislike her, just leave her alone, and keep her out of your house & your life.
It's not that easy. My concern is for MY HUSBAND first and foremost. He's overwhelmed just trying to handle the dozens of calls she's making to him a day asking for this or that. He tries to be kind and then hangs up and says, well, you shouldn't have drank yourself into this situation. So the real rub is, she was a shit mother, still is, and then expects my husband to deal with her. đ¤ˇââď¸
Has your husband ever gone to an Al Anon meeting, or seen a counselor of some type? His mom wonât quit until she decides to-and she may drink herself to death. Some resources to help him come to terms with letting her fail on her own.
Talk to the hospital social worker and they will both help get everything in place but also talk to your husband about the realities of her condition and medical needs
Absolutely NTA. APS is an excellent option. Please, please, please do not take her into your home, no matter how much your husband wants to help her. You must keep your children safe, and she will make your lives a living hell. You know this.
I love my mother and mother-in-law, and my mother-in-law needs help because dementia. I have helped ensure they have that care. Despite this, your MIL is not and should not be your full responsibility, particularly because her condition is self-inflicted. My demented MIL was a wonderful woman and deserves care.
Unfortunately you might not be able to do anything for her. People need to want to help themselves. I think taking the animals out of the house is a great idea, but I wonder how you and your husband will move forward with your relationship with her. It sounds unhealthy and burdensome. I'm so sorry you're in this position!
Oh. There really isn't a relationship. We've had to tell her she can't expect us to leave work to come help her with whatever drunken whim she's on that day. She has been blowing up my husband's phone all hours of the day and night since they took her out of sedation. Asking for him to fill their truck up so my husband can drive there to pick her up. No. They assume he will. We have new, clean, reliable vehicles, why would he drive their truck that is a POS? She is still claiming she only drinks 2 beers a day. I just pray this particular hospital sends her to rehab or a facility. Every other time they literally put her in a wheelchair and shove her off to us. I've let this woman take over my bedroom and slept on an air mattress for several nights. Helped care for her many times. Tried helping, suggesting, offering to clean. Shop, anything. She doesn't see what a mess she is. If her BF doesn't get out of ICU and back home soon, she'll have no place with water or lights either because it's his house and he makes that clear to her. It's all bad
Do not allow her into your home and your husband needs to stop caring for her pets and call animal control. They need to be placed with competent people who can better care for them. Sadly she sounds like an alcoholic and a hoarder and they are a nightmare. I know personally. She will be in crisis over and over again. My mom is/was the same way. Now she has early onset dementia and is running all of us around her into the ground. Sorry your husband did not get the mother he deserves.
Nta but you need to have a sit down with your husband because he can not enable her. Yâall have jobs and kids that should not be put on a back burner
NTA and well done for trying to get MIL the help she needs. This is something that needs professional intervention and while I know that it can be tough to admit, this is something that can't be kept "in the family" to sort out. That will just enable this pattern of substance abuse.
I experience with adult services , they throw my into a home so they could steal the house , the cars and all property my parents had owned together & the place they ended up putting her killed her
Nta
Maybe there is some middle ground first before reporting to aps? Like an intervention where you explain that you will be reporting if nothing changes.
Unfortunately this qax my personal final straw. This has been happening like a semi annual sale, for years. We've tried everything we can. She will not change.
Gotcha.
Then yeah in my opinion it's cut off or report to aps. I would probably report to aps if it was my mil because I would not want the guilt of not reporting if something happens again...
NTA. My father was this severe of an alcoholic to the point he was such a fall risk I'm talking broken noses, ribs, wrist, and finally a severe brain bleed. She may not see it this way yet, but you're actually helping her and potentially saving her life by reporting her. Unless you want to watch her slowly kill herself while you change her soiled underpants and clean blood and vomit from the floor regularly while she never changes. You may not get along with her much, but you cared enough to put it into the right hands. And to me, that makes you a good human. Make sure your s/o doesn't need therapy or anything from growing up with that.
You're NTA. You're actually a good human
I was told case management was the authority. I've said my peice and now my husband and I have spoken in depth about all facets of this, and we can't help her. Not even 10 minutes ago she's calling again, begging him to go find the neighbor and have him call her and come pick her up. đ He told her no. She said she was getting out tomorrow, and he told her, no, you're not going anywhere this weekend. She wasn't too pleased.
You MIL just may be my mom đ¤Śđťââď¸. Thankfully she finally got sober but one of the many hospital trips I got in contact with the doctor from four states away and let them know sheâs an addict. She ended up getting help not long after
You are NTA. Your attempts are also mostly futile, so if family is pushing back enough that it will make your life miserable, skip it. If you are in the US, there are VERY few resources for this scenario. APS will offer her referrals, maybe check up in a month and thatâs it.
NTA Unfortunately that may not be enough. I am a mandated reporter and I have been trying to get someone into a nursing home ( acquaintance) for 2 years. She has multiple medical problems and delusional disorders. Her house only had chocolate milk and beer in it and it was mouse infested and they still wouldn't do anything. Your husband has to face reality and do something about her. See if you can talk to the hospital social worker. Let them know that she is not coming home with you. They will figure out a rehab.
NTA, even as someone who has severe mental health issues and has pleaded with my parents regarding my desire to be euthanized:
No one should be forced to endorse/aid your self-destructive mentality.
You're doing the most compassionate thing by seeking to tell the truth and getting her the level of help that will benefit her. When someone is under a false illusion ( "I'm not an alcoholic, it's not an issue." -MIL, likely), others must step up and tell them the true reality of their circumstances.
People don't have to like facing reality, but [not wanting to face reality] is not a valid excuse for continuing to be detrimental to others.
You did the right thing. It has become very serious. My oldest brother was a severe alcoholic like that. We had to have him institutionalized, which is very hard to do. He would pass out and hit his head on the pavement so often that it gave him epilepsy. He died young of congestive heart failure from alcoholism anyway. Very sad.
It doesn't sound like your care would be what's best for her though - with work, school and kids you get tapped out. Not to mention the stress it would put on your husband.
You had to tell them - it wasn't selfish - it was what was in everyone's best interest.
NTA
NTA. You did nothing wrong. And from the sounds of it sheâs not capable of caring for herself. I dealt with the effects of alcohol when it came to my dad and in all honesty if I had used my head I would have done the same thing and called adult protective services. In fact I wish I had, heâd probably still be alive.
NTA but I can tell you adult protective services doesn't do shit especially since her big issue is her own addiction your better off trying to compose a list of meetings or looking for rehab
NTA! But your MIL also needs your help. She needs to go in medical care and do rehab. She needs to stay in professional hands. But while she is there she will need some proper TLC from you guys, all she wants is love. Because she hates herself and destroys herself đ
Youâre not the jerk. She needs some serious help. Her alcohol abuse is going to kill her if she doesnât change, itâs a miracle that it hasnât already.
If she is angry with you, itâs because of her addiction. Itâs not because you actually did anything wrong. She needs professional help, you and your husband are not in the position to give her the amount of help she needs.
NTA alcoholics are nigh on impossible to deal with for family members as they get very good very fast at manipulating their loved ones. You doing this will likely end with your husband being upset you are in the right bear with it and get her the help she needs.
Hospital discharge planner here, please make sure whoever is your MILâs discharge planner is fully aware that you all are not going to be providing care for her. And, that the home is not safe/accessible. With your MIL being admitted multiple times for similar issues, Iâm sure that the treatment team has some inkling that sheâs not telling them the whole truth. Ideally, if her hospital is anything like the one I work at, they wonât discharge her without a safe plan in place and if home isnât a safe option they will work with her and family (if she consents) to find a safe placement.
Added information for context. MIL's home is filthy. They have no food, just alcohol. No running water in the bathroom sink, animal waste everywhere. đ She is very low income, living off a miniscule disability. She refuses to make changes to help herself. She does not work, does not have an operational vehicle, no way to help herself.
This is exactly what adult protective services is for. NTA.
Repeat: **this is exactly what adult protective services is for.**
Correct and I wish more people would use it. At the very least it would show that APS is a very much needed service and it might get better funding.
I never thought of this part of it before. This very important part.
APS can also fast track a conservatorship, e.g., get a hearing date before a judge much more quickly than the general public.
I actually had no idea what APS was until this post. Super helpful!
On the contrary, I say she ITA. Adult protective services may have been the correct course of action, but it wasn't OP's place. It was he hubby's, and she should have convinced him to make the call.
Nope! This is a see something, say something situation.
But not by an in law. It wasn't OP's place. I would be livid if my fiance called them on my brother (the alcoholic in my family, and she knows of a VERY good reason to call them on him. But it's not her place.)
You can think it's not her place. I think it's the place of any rational, responsible adult who's aware of the situation. You call 911 when you see a car crash, you don't wait for the most appropriate caller to decide they're up for it.
But you don't choose to be in a car crash. The MIL does choose to drink and do drugs. It's her choice, and while we may not agree with her decision, it's hers too make. We can't make her change her ways, as much as we'd love to. For all we know, OP made the call bc of the animosity they share.
NTA hopefully she gets it in her head she truly needs help. As well as the animals she houses. Make sure theyâre okay too please!
Yes. Husband has been trying to sort them out. Feeding and cleaning up/ letting them outside. They should be taken to animal control.
Please look into local rescues for the animals, if you're not able to keep them.
Those animals shouldnât be punished because of your MILâs actions. A no kill shelter would be better.
I think when OP mentioned letting them outside, they meant letting them into the yard to pee or poop, go potty, etc. For example: "could you go let the dogs out, feed them, & walk them?" is really common to hear where I am from. And animal care & control is a no kill shelter in my county.
What does that have to do with my comment? She specifically mentioned taking them to animal control which is what my response was addressing. I love how you edited your comment AFTER I responded adding in something about a no kill shelter.
She commented later in this thread that the animal control in her area was NO kill.
You mentioned that the animals shouldn't be punished. What is the punishment that the animals are receiving? OP said that their husband is taking care of the animals. I don't think that they meant that their husband was releasing or abandoning them when they said letting them out.
She specifically mentioned taking them to animal control. Animal control can euthanize the cats which is why I specifically mentioned a no kill shelter in that same comment! Are you actually pretending that all states & all counties are no kill?
No, I am not. Clearly we misunderstood each other.
We? Nope. That was all you.
Please look into other options besides animal control. Animal control euthanizes animals after a certain period of time if they are not adopted. On the other hand, there are many no kill shelters, local rescues, breed rescues, and foster based rescues that do not euthanize unless it's medically necessary. Do not punish the animals just because the owner is irresponsible. Please try to find them a place where they will be safe and cared for.
Agree 100%, just be aware that not all animal control centers euthanize. Ours is no kill, near Annapolis, MD.
That's great to hear. I wish that all animal controls would adopt this philosophy and become no kill as well.
Our animal control is also a no kill shelter. They'd be adopted and not put down. I won't say a word about the animals unless someone suggest we take them. I can't do 45 cats, and the two dogs are not allowed here. I dispise them. And her rats? Nope. Not under this roof. We already have 6 people and 2 dogs in under 1100 Sq ft .
Do you literally mean *forty five* cats??? I feel like that deserves a call all its own.... That is too many animals for anyone to actually be taking care of. NTA she needs help and isn't willing/able to get it herself
Ok. To be fair, there isn't 45 indoor cats. There's around 6? Maybe 8. At least a dozen ferels she feeds outside, 2 pugs and 2 rats. Arf.
Oh my goodness, Pugs! They're completely unhousetrained now, and they are so stubborn. I can totally imagine the mess when she hasn't been letting them out regularly. They'll get adopted out quickly at the shelter, and Pugs form attachments to new people quickly, so they'll be fine. MIL will be mad, but it's better for the dogs and for her.
I've unfortunately heard so many stories of people with massive amounts of animals (like 80 cats inside) 45 didn't seem impossible. I'm glad it's not that many
That's a relief. It's great to hear that the animal control is a no kill shelter. And it's totally understandable that you can't take them in personally. After all, you already seem to have your hands very full. So just do the best you can to get through this situation and try to take care of yourself and your family.
Please not animal control. Please take them to a no kill shelter. Good luck with whatever you end up doing about MIL. Youâre in a tough spot. Have you told the hospital about her narcotic addiction? So they know not to give her any?
This sounds awful, but from past experience I would recommend doing as little cleanup as possible until the authorities evaluate the home situation. They need to be able to document how bad the situation really is and would facilitate their case.
Try to find a local rescue who will take them in as surrenders.
Do not bring her home or allow your husband to be her main care provider. She will be a full time job. Also, do not clean up her place. Let them see it.
I don't think she will ever admit she has a problem. Look at how many times she's ended up in the ER. She heals, gets discharged and goes home to get drunk again. She's a glutton for punishment as long as she can reach a bottle.
Youâre in the right here. If her case doesnât match the criteria then they wonât take her on but from the sounds of it, she fits the bill exactly. Hopefully it actually helps
The answer to your question is highly location dependent. You should inform the hospital staff of her substance use history (although they probably already know based on tests, bloodwork, past admissions, etc). You should also inform the hospital staff that you will not be able to care for her at home, and that her home is an unsafe environment. Theoretically, they should assist in making safe discharge plans. I don't know where you're located. If in the USA, I have no idea what hospitals do for discharge planning. Where I am, the hospital is responsible for ensuring there is a safe home environment to return to, while respecting patient autonomy. They would assist with setting up home care and contacts with social workers, etc. Someone would not be discharged if the home environment was not deemed safe. Make sure the hospital knows that you are not going to take care of her. I can't emphasize that enough. She could be telling them that she has a safe place to go and resources to rely upon. They should know that this is not the case.
Yes, and to add to this, ask to speak to the hospital social worker. That can be another avenue to getting her the help she needs.
So you did the right thing by calling APS, but they aren't going to do anything in this situation. If your MIL is mentally competent enough to make these decisions then she has a right to self neglect. So unless she has some other issue like dementia or something that would deem her mentally incompetent, then they'll not be able to do anything. I was a social worker in a hospital and we had a woman we called APS for weekly because her family couldn't care for her and she just lay in the couch in her own filth until she got drunk and fell again and ended up back at the hospital. APS couldn't do anything, cause she was still able to be her own decision maker.
Could be true in that jurisdiction BUT if OP & husband wonât accept helping her recover at home the hospital wonât send her home unless she can care for herself. Could get her into residential rehab for drugs and or physical therapy or long term residential care.
Thank you for this! People think APS is the same as CPS but if an adult chooses to live in filth they actually have that right in most cases. I work in a support position in social work and we deal with this a lot. Had a man keep trying to get his parents to leave their very old falling down house. They were very elderly but of sound mind and we kept having to tell him we could not force them to move.
Severe addiction has a better chance than this, at least, because it's easier to argue the adult not being of sound mind/incapable of making their own decisions due to it. Still not good, and I don't know if it works differently in the US, but at least worth a try.
Man, this hits home. You could be describing my mother's house as it was when she died at 59... Drank herself to death. Her death saved my step father's life. NTA. This kind of addiction destroys lives and puts addict and others at risk. Enabling them by "protecting" the addict just ensures you also get to bear the guilt and responsibility if it gets them or some one else killed. The only right thing you can do is to tell the truth and refuse to enable the behavior. Us family members tend to look the other way and enable them to continue their bad choices because we feel guilty. Because we don't want to rock the boat. Because it's easier to keep the peace than face the unknown consequences of pitching their asses overboard. But pitching them over is what keeps everyone else safe. It's up to them to swim by choosing sobriety, or drown in their addiction. The alternative is allowing them to capsize the whole boat and watching others drown. That's not a guilt you want to live with.
And call animal protection for those poor pets
If she's on Medicaid, that may cover a nursing home. Based on what you've said, there may be more than alcoholism at play: dementia.
Yep, not like alcoholism and narcotics abuse don't worsen that condition.
T
Is someone feeding the animals while she is in the hospital? You might want to call animal control too
My husband is there morning and night helping the animals. Feeding, letting out, cleaning up messes, cat boxes, etc
Call adult protective services for both mil and her partner, that does not sound like a safe environment for him to return to after his hospital stay. They both need professional help. It is far too much for just you and DH to try and cope with, plus it sounds far too gone for your help anyway
If this is the case, who is the enabler giving her the alcohol?? THEY need to be the ones taking care of her, bc THEY are part of the issue
Oh she lives with a long time BF. He's terrible. She did have a working vehicle up until a few weeks ago. I'm certain she has hee minions who do her bidding. Not us. Clearly.
Iâm sorry that I didnât post this before, but i am so sorry you and your family are in this position. Itâs not an easy one at all.
Perfect. Anything else to make *her* life easier is enabling.
What she needs you and your husband can not provide. She needs to be in rehab hospital until she is clean.
Which she will fight for certain. If she gets out of a rehab program, she will immediately turn back to her ways. I wish her the best, but I can't do anything beyond what I did. I should add, I didn't tell my husband I was calling the hospital or adult protective services. So I might be the a hole there.
You are doing the right thing. It is way too much of a burden to handle without professional help. Make the call and keep it to yourself. I'm a state mandated reporter, and these types of situations are the worst.
Sometimes doing what needs to be done without telling is the no-AH move. Your husband would probably have stopped you. This is what needed to happen. You did well. NTA.
I immediately fussed up when he came home for his lunch today. He wasn't upset. He told me he just hadn't even been able to try to wrap his head around her plan for after she leaves the hospital because he's been so overwhelmed by her dozens of calls and chores she wants him to do, and he's the only person in his current department at his job (can't find people who can pass the drug tests) so he's just too overwhelmed. I hope it doesn't cause too much drama. I'd feel even worse if I didn't say what I did and she was found the next time deceased
Exactly. You were protecting him, and his mom, and your own conscious. That isn't an asshole thing. That's a caring thing, and a human thing. Your husband wasn't able to do it, and I don't blame him, but someone had to make that call. You did good.
You never have to tell him if you donât want. You did the right thing, but husband may not see it like that.
Nope. Still Nta
Youâre doing the right thing. Youâre husband might want to try Al Anon or IC with a therapist that treats children if alcoholics. She may or may not quit drinking. But, she wonât even try until she hits bottom. And that wonât happen if he continues to enable her. Itâs hard and heartbreaking but he needs help to stop it. Wishing you all the best. Loving an addict is the most heartbreaking thing.
Thank you. Sadly, my husband has had severe alcoholism as well, but was able to completely quit a few years back. So we are both very familiar with AA and AL Anon. I may go back to AL Anon depending on how this situation pans out. Thank you
Wishing you all the best. Even more important for him to break contact with active alcoholics, it puts his sobriety at risk. My ex was over for 17 years, hasnât been sober now in 5. Itâs an ugly disease.
It's true that rehab typically doesn't stick when someone goes unwillingly, but it's still the best corse of action here. You and your husband can't take care of her in the way she needs, and frankly, she's not safe to have in your home with your kids. Addiction is a terrible illness to suffer from, and as much as I feel for her, she won't get better if her family enables her.
Itâs all true, but you canât force it. The only thing OP can do here is refuse to except her in their care when the hospital releases her. OP should start talking to the social workers at the hospital about this immediately.
NTA. The kind of help she needs is beyond what you and your husband can give her. Also, she needs help urgently, or she may not survive her next injury.
It seems like she did it because she just doesnât like MIL instead of concern for her well being.
NTA. You what was best for you and for her.
NTA, she clearly needs help and thatâs what adult services are for. However, this seems to be less about your husband suffering than you and your family being dragged into MILâs drama. Itâs ok to admit this.
Oh the drama is big. I don't want to deal with it. However, I am most concerned for my husband. More than I am for her.
You did the right thing. You may need to consider going no contact once sheâs released. It sounds harsh but at this point you have to protect yourselves and your husbandâs sobriety. NTA
It can be about both. I have a relative with a drinking problem and complex medical needs his wife can't handle. He should be in a home. She won't pull the trigger on that, even though she has to pull in other people every time he, or she, has another medical crisis. She can't leave him alone, so she's neglecting her appts & mental health. He made the decision years ago not to protect their finances from nursing homes, b/c he knew that was where he was headed and he had zero intention of changing. Now, he too brain-damaged (aneurysms & wet brain) to make better decisions. I care about him. I care about his wife. And I care about the people around them, including me, who they are inconveniencing in this situation. I've made a conscious decision to stop enabling. Others haven't. NTA
Thank you for sharing.
NTA. But you obviously need to be prepared for major explosions in your family.
Oh yes. My 2 BILs will certainly not understand. They'll squawk about it, yet can't or won't take the time to come out to the West Coast from their states out in the Midwest. We don't expect them to. đ I just know some will judge me calling me heartless. At the end of the day. She's not my mom and I have no responsibility to clean up the mess she's made for herself.
Exactly. Good for you, taking care of your family while also caring enough for assuring his mother has a safe place to land. It isnât as though youâve cast her into the street.
I think in this scenario Iâd ask hubby call a family meeting to talk about her issues (without her there) and if nothing got resolved, you gotta look out for your own immediate familyâs well being.
And even still, someone who wonât take care of themselves and expects others to always clean up their messes doesnât deserve your endless care. Contacting protective services isnât just turning your backs either - itâs connecting a service that is far more capable than you and your husband to take care of MIL Seriously, tell your BILs if they care so much to take her into their homes and see what happens
I guess I'm having such a hard time with this because on my aide of the family, we circle the wagons and help loved ones no matter what we have to do. However, I think sharing shifts to care for a 97-year-old grandma to keep her out of a facility to pass is a totally different situation. My MIL is in hear early 60s and chose to live her life this way. I just feel like a horrible person because I'm not willing to move her into my house or pay for care or something. I can't afford to, even if we wanted to.
Youâre not horrible at all. You just know that what your MIL needs is way beyond what you and your husband can provide. Itâs a shitty situation, and it will be hard for everyone as she gets closer to discharge. My family is similar, we took turns looking after my dad as he was dying because he wanted to die at home. It was so different for my FIL, his needs were way too high for us to manage, so we arranged for him to go to hospice.
I'm sorry you've had to expirence that. :( My own father is also a horrible person and I wouldn't be capable of caring for him due to the history of verbal/emotional abuse. I'm so glad you were able to be there for yours.
You are helping her, doing what you have to do. Don't light your family on fire to keep her warm.
You cannot save people from themselves and you canât set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Taking care of your elderly grandmother is not the same as repeatedly bailing your MIL out of self-created catastrophes. (Unless Grandma got into her situation by going on a pass-out drunk bender.) My mother was an alcoholic and an addict, who abandoned my brothers and me when we were kids. As adults, we tried everything we could think of to rescue her. Eventually, it became obvious to each of us that we had to protect our own children. When I finally cut her off, I told her to call me when she got clean. I kept my phone number the same and even paid for an extra listing in the phone book when I remarried and changed my name, just in case she couldnât remember my new name. She never called. When she ODâd in 2002, none of us had spoken to her in at least 4 years. There are still so many âwhat ifâs but we couldnât do anything for her if she was intent on fighting against it. Good luck with your MIL. Iâm sorry about your grandmotherâs situation.
Your MIL needs full time professional help and you are not that kind pf professional, nor are you and your husband available full time to care for her. You cannot do what she needs. If your husband balks at that, you and he need to talk about what it would mean to have her live with your children. Would she bring drugs into your home? Friends/suppliers? Is that the life he wants for your kids? She would create additional messes. Who would be cleaning up after her? Would you have to lock away medications? Alcohol? Your valuables? Really dig into the pragmatic details. The conclusion is going to be that it won't work. At that point, be empathetic. It's his mom. He wants to help, but this isn't the help you two can give. NAH
Thank you.
As someone who drinks too much and does drugs like a champ. wrecking your face on the regular seems too far even for me.
Yuuup, coming from someone that had a benzo and alcohol problem a couple years a go. Sounds like she's probably just doing it to get meds in the first place.
I agree. She does have a knee issue, so that adds to her face planting
No, you're definitely not an AH. You're doing your best to see that she's taken care of. NTA at all.
NTA. This is what adult protective services are for. Do you intend to tell your husband?
I told him. He seemed relieved actually.
NTA - My father was an alcoholic who died a few years back (like you said with your MIL, nice person but serious issues) do whatever you can because if something happens down the road you can tell yourself you did everything you could. People with these issues will try to get you to enable them but ultimately it will you who will be left with the guilt if you didnt step in if something happens. Having family members with these issues is ultimately a thankless role because youre basically the asshole for stopping their fun and not letting them kill themselves.
NTA. You need to protect your kids, so bringing an unruly alcoholic into the house is a non-starter. You did the right thing, OP. If your husband doesn't agree, then he needs to check his priorities and realize the needs of his wife and children supercede those of his alcoholic mother. She needs professional help, this isn't something her son can fix for her. Best of luck to you OP, what a terribly stressful situation you are in.
Thereâs also the fact that she could end up getting herself seriously hurt or dead. If he cares about his mom, heâd get her help.
Absolutely!
Whatâs your best case scenario?
She willingly goes into rehab or a facility.
Iâm gonna be honest, I doubt that will happen. You canât teach an old dog new tricks. You shouldnât be the one having to do this, your husband should be. I doubt she cares or would even consider listening to you, someone sheâs only even known for around 5 years. This should be coming from her son.
She no longer likes me since I told her she is not allowed to come over without calling first. She would show up, drunk, yes driving herself, looking for my husband. While he's at work. I said she was rude and I wouldn't be answering the door anymore unless she called me first. She has zero reasons to be in my house when her son isn't home. She also brings her nasty dog that will pee on my furniture, scare my dogs and stink up the house. Her and the dog. So, there's that too. She won't change. I know that.
Please call your animal shelter. She has way too many animals to take care of sober forget drunk. They need a fighting chance as well.
APS canât do anything as long as she has legal capacity to make her own shitty life choices. If she were severely demented it would be another story.
Nta. Boundaries. You set them. No one said we are obligated to deal with our parents their way. Care givers can be found for some of this. Maybe groceries once in a while for them but besides that donât let her bring your family down. Boundaries are crucial here.
Your NTA, but good luck getting adult services to do anything. I called them more times than I could tell you, as did my sibling and the hospital for my physically disabled father who was living in a house covered in mold and a leaky roof- like having to put pots around to catch water and bed sores because he was immobile but would say he was fine. Around that time he was being hospitalized repeatedly after being found unconscious (lack of o2) and would check himself out AMA every single time. The last time I called was probably October of 21, he passed away June of 22 and they have yet to return a call to either my sister or I. Iâm not sure how old your mil is but my Dad was early 70âs.
Oh I'm so sorry. :( She'd early 60s.
NTA, but unless sheâs declared mentally incompetent to care for herself (in which case she would need a legal guardian), APS isnât going to do anything. People are allowed to make horrible decisions with life changing consequences, but any expectation to have you (or your husband) clean up her mess is an absurd expectation. I encourage you to continue to object to your husband enabling this behavior.
NTA and if you have to tell your husband think about the fact that if you guys did take in MIL than it could be more damaging to your family and could even possibly result in your children being removed from the home for allowing someone like that around them.
Being honest with her health care providers is the only way MIL will get the appropriate care, support, and resources she needs. Case management is another way to get her the right referrals and help from people who are not emotionally motivated, and are mandated reporters. NTA for not enabling her alcoholism and self-destructive behavior.
NTA. Best of luck with everything.
NTA. If she was in withdrawal, the hospital is well aware of her problem. They probably sent a social worker in to speak with her. They canât give you her health info without permission, but you can tell them anything you feel is relevant. Your husband can also request a psych evaluation. Unfortunately, no matter what you do, nothing will work until she wants help. And you setting boundaries is one of the best things you can do for yourself and her. Calling APS is you making the effort, and knowing you tried. The rest is up to her, and unless the rest of her kids physically step in and help, tough sh*t if theyâre upset.
You should speak with a patient advocate at the hospital. Explain her situation and that you and your husband are unable to care for her. She can not be discharged to her own home such as it is. They will get her moved into a rehabilitation center.
Your MIL is clearly an alcoholic and needs approrpriate professional treatment for her illness: this is what your husband needs to face. If you can, take you husband to an Al-Anon meeting: these are the meetings for people who have loved ones who are alcoholics. It will be an eye-opener for him. OR take him to a counselor and together meet. Your MIL needs residential drug-alcohol treatment, alcohol counseling, and treatment. Help your husband sees she has a MEDICAL illness that needs treatment, and treatment works. The problems if she refuses to get help, which is not unusual, but it looks like an intervention in the hospital is needed BEFORE she is discharged, which will happen any day now. Don't pick her up from the hospital without that discharge meeting to confront her on alcoholism.
NTA you need to have that discussion with your husband but honestly she does need to be reported. You both have busy lives and will not be able to care for her when she is discharged
Ok NTA. But Iâm more worried about the animals. I hope you can rehome them.
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Hahahaha. Thanks for the laugh. No violence. â¤ď¸ Plus the hospital is roughly 3 hours away.
NTA. You wonât save her even if you take her in, she will just wreak havoc in your house. APS was the right call regardless of the fallout, and as bad as it sounds, hospital staff will likely get blamed instead of you. Not sure if this has always been her life, but if itâs new behavior, I wonder about something neurological going on. I worked in the geriatric wing of a psychiatric hospital and we had some younger people (not like super young, but 50s and up) who had either a super early onset situation a bit like dementia, had a stroke that wasnât as obvious, or something else that was subtle that we discovered after they entered treatment with us and it made it a lot easier to understand their behavior and more comfortable for families to make decisions for their care.
Nothing you do will help her. She has to decide for herself. And sometimes hitting rock bottom like my Dad did still doesn't help. My Dad died in January of alcohol related issues, he was only 59. If you can you really need to walk away. Also NTA
I'm so sorry you've been through that! She's in her early 60s and is the oldest living female in her family. All have died from alcoholism early. Some even in their 40s. Including her own mother and little sister. It's a sad disease.
And I almost do hope this cuts all ties because it's so messed up. She's failed him since birth, one of his first memories is climbing up a chair yo find something to drink and ear as a toddler and drinking booze at 2 or 3 and starving while the adults were being POS parents.
As a healthcare worker, Iâm confused why she would need âhelpâ at discharge. If her fall made it to where she canât be upright, see if they can discharge her to a nursing facility for rehab. If sheâs just a mean lady who wants to milk her son for sympathy, then yeah, no rehab. But definitely call APS. Sadly, donât expect to not help though. APS is a slow process, sometimes.
I did leave a message for both APS, and the case manager for Monday. She won't admit to anyone she has any issues, including herself. I suspect she'll be back in the same boat within weeks if they do discharge her. To who? We aren't willing to take an entire day to drive the 3 hours to the hospital she is at, deal with her, her meds, getting her home, and caring for her. If her neighbor wants to drive there, he can. That's her only option besides getting medical transport. We both have full time jobs, 4 kids and I'm a full time undergraduate student. I couldn't take the time to assist with her if I wanted to. I can barely deal as is.
The hospital will arrange transport and swallow up the cost if needed. If social service clears herâŚ..Iâm a nurse and I have little faith in our healthcare system, and I see unsafe discharges sometimes đ¤ˇââď¸
This will likely be my last reply here. She shower up at our house. No call first. No heads up. Nothing. As if coming here was her only power move left. Forcing my husband to deal with her. To make it worse, her BFs POS daughter is the one who gave her a ride from hours away. And in stead of taking her home, she dumped her at our house. I was picking up teens from the gym. I quite literally would have flown off the handle if I was standing in my kitchen and saw that pair of fools pull up. đł I'm so angry. And I'm full of disgust. I left her "case manager" a nasty voicemail letting her know EXACTLY what we made certain was NOT to happen did. I was do mad I'm sure it was vile and extremely rude but OMG really? They couldn't even call her son to tell him she was being discharged? FFS!?!? Whatever. At this point. They're all dead to me. My husband said he chewed his mom out for being so disrespectful and showing her face her to basically gloat that she "escaped". She knee I was the one making all the calls and telling the truth. She's dead to me. Her. The BF and his disgusting daughter. I'm ok if I never see or hear anything regarding any of them again. Fuck them and their insanity.
Extremely rural area, lying patient and lack of any good healthcare I suspect
NTA addiction wreaks havoc and puts a lot of burden on those around the addict as well. Right now in the midst of this might not be the best time but I recommend looking into Al-Anon which is for partners and family of alcoholics. Even if OPâs MIL doesnât seek help doesnât mean OP and/or OPâs hubby can find help for themselves.
Please go to Al Anon. This will give you the tools necessary to deal with her. Believe me when I say that helping her is enabling and hurting her. She needs to hit rock bottom and figure out whether she wants to stay there or quit her destructive behavior. Good luck. Been there.
You can certainly try to report it but Adult protective services will do nothing but file a report. People are allowed to be stupid, hurt themselves, live in filth as long as they have the mental capacity to continue making there own decisions there is nothing you can do to stop her from drinking and continuing to harm herself
NTA, but adult protective services can not stop her from self-neglect. They can offer her resources, but if she is choosing to continue to make bad choices, they can not stop her. People have the right to self-neglect and make bad choices.
The only priority you have is your 4 kids. Some people cannot be saved. You have more of a workload than most people.
No matter what - do not allow her to come to your home.
Please please please call! Call ever agency, every health department, every code enforcement office to make a stink and get her help. Iâm an emt who has a âfrequent flyerâ that matches your MIL almost perfectly and we have all tried to reach out to get them services but weâre not family or anything so we get brushed off a lot. When the addiction becomes so strong that people begin to treat themselves inhumanly the RIGHT thing to do is step in.
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Well said
Well I don't really have anything more to say except she was found unresponsive by my husband just a short while ago. She's being transported to the ER. Repeat. We've set more boundaries and I now have Ativan to use if, well when a situation arises again that forces me to question my humanity towards others. Oh and it's finals week and I have 2 courses to finish too. Mac and cheese, podcasts and bare minimum. Hoping hubby comes home ok. I know he's got to be seriously worried and not sure how to feel. I know he's angry, but that's still his mom. :( For now I'm just feeding our kids and planning to watch a movie with them before bed.
You failed to describe how you talked to your husband about the situation.
I brought up that I called the hospital, spoke to the nurses station and left a message regarding her discharge plans, also left messages regarding case management and to DHS seeking a social worker. He's not happy about it all of it, but he knows she isn't going to be able to come home and care for herself.
Right, but when you talked with him about what he wants to do, you left that out. You only said what you and she want.
He wants her to go into a rehab facility indefinitely. Sorry. He established that years ago.
I'm talking about the situation now.
He does not want her being discharged home CURRENTLY.
Just a clarification, did you talk with your husband about his wishes first or just act in what you believe to be his best interests?
She is not married but does live with her BF in his home. He is currently in ICU on a ventilator. That's how she was able to go wild without notice, as he is typically the one who attempts to restrict her alcohol. He is also unwell and at this rate may not ever be able to look after her.
I'm talking about your husband not her boyfriend. Did you communicate with him on this important matter or just act unilaterally without his input?
NTA You owe it to your family to help her get the help she won't ask for.
What is AITA
Hi there. It's: Am I the asshole?
Ok, first she has a long-term boyfriend, and then a husband. I'm getting skeptical that this is a real situation. CORRECTION: Oops, just reread the posting. My bad, it's the OP's husband, not the MIL's. Clearly I've been zoning out on Reddit too long this morning, er afternoon.
INFO: Why didnât you discuss this with your husband first?
And there In lies the rub. Sheâs not your mother. So, donât call APS on her. Not your responsibility, right? APS canât force her to go into rehab. As much as you dislike her, just leave her alone, and keep her out of your house & your life.
It's not that easy. My concern is for MY HUSBAND first and foremost. He's overwhelmed just trying to handle the dozens of calls she's making to him a day asking for this or that. He tries to be kind and then hangs up and says, well, you shouldn't have drank yourself into this situation. So the real rub is, she was a shit mother, still is, and then expects my husband to deal with her. đ¤ˇââď¸
Has your husband ever gone to an Al Anon meeting, or seen a counselor of some type? His mom wonât quit until she decides to-and she may drink herself to death. Some resources to help him come to terms with letting her fail on her own.
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Of ffs, read her comments.
Talk to the hospital social worker and they will both help get everything in place but also talk to your husband about the realities of her condition and medical needs
Absolutely NTA. APS is an excellent option. Please, please, please do not take her into your home, no matter how much your husband wants to help her. You must keep your children safe, and she will make your lives a living hell. You know this.
I love my mother and mother-in-law, and my mother-in-law needs help because dementia. I have helped ensure they have that care. Despite this, your MIL is not and should not be your full responsibility, particularly because her condition is self-inflicted. My demented MIL was a wonderful woman and deserves care.
Can she go to a center for detox and rehab?
Probably. I do not know if they'll offer it. I doubt she will willingly consent or if she is not capable to make decisions for herself.
NTA. Sounds like she's messed up and needs more professional help.
Unfortunately you might not be able to do anything for her. People need to want to help themselves. I think taking the animals out of the house is a great idea, but I wonder how you and your husband will move forward with your relationship with her. It sounds unhealthy and burdensome. I'm so sorry you're in this position!
Oh. There really isn't a relationship. We've had to tell her she can't expect us to leave work to come help her with whatever drunken whim she's on that day. She has been blowing up my husband's phone all hours of the day and night since they took her out of sedation. Asking for him to fill their truck up so my husband can drive there to pick her up. No. They assume he will. We have new, clean, reliable vehicles, why would he drive their truck that is a POS? She is still claiming she only drinks 2 beers a day. I just pray this particular hospital sends her to rehab or a facility. Every other time they literally put her in a wheelchair and shove her off to us. I've let this woman take over my bedroom and slept on an air mattress for several nights. Helped care for her many times. Tried helping, suggesting, offering to clean. Shop, anything. She doesn't see what a mess she is. If her BF doesn't get out of ICU and back home soon, she'll have no place with water or lights either because it's his house and he makes that clear to her. It's all bad
Do not allow her into your home and your husband needs to stop caring for her pets and call animal control. They need to be placed with competent people who can better care for them. Sadly she sounds like an alcoholic and a hoarder and they are a nightmare. I know personally. She will be in crisis over and over again. My mom is/was the same way. Now she has early onset dementia and is running all of us around her into the ground. Sorry your husband did not get the mother he deserves.
NTA
Nta but you need to have a sit down with your husband because he can not enable her. Yâall have jobs and kids that should not be put on a back burner
NTA and well done for trying to get MIL the help she needs. This is something that needs professional intervention and while I know that it can be tough to admit, this is something that can't be kept "in the family" to sort out. That will just enable this pattern of substance abuse.
I experience with adult services , they throw my into a home so they could steal the house , the cars and all property my parents had owned together & the place they ended up putting her killed her
NTA you are doing the right thing. She'll hate you but likely she never would have liked you endless you enabled her self-abuse.
Nta Maybe there is some middle ground first before reporting to aps? Like an intervention where you explain that you will be reporting if nothing changes.
Unfortunately this qax my personal final straw. This has been happening like a semi annual sale, for years. We've tried everything we can. She will not change.
Gotcha. Then yeah in my opinion it's cut off or report to aps. I would probably report to aps if it was my mil because I would not want the guilt of not reporting if something happens again...
NTA. My father was this severe of an alcoholic to the point he was such a fall risk I'm talking broken noses, ribs, wrist, and finally a severe brain bleed. She may not see it this way yet, but you're actually helping her and potentially saving her life by reporting her. Unless you want to watch her slowly kill herself while you change her soiled underpants and clean blood and vomit from the floor regularly while she never changes. You may not get along with her much, but you cared enough to put it into the right hands. And to me, that makes you a good human. Make sure your s/o doesn't need therapy or anything from growing up with that. You're NTA. You're actually a good human
NTA she needs to be put inpatient to get help because at this rate things arenât going to end well.
NTA but research the amount of authority they have versus the social worker at the hospital WA they have no authority to do anything apparently
I was told case management was the authority. I've said my peice and now my husband and I have spoken in depth about all facets of this, and we can't help her. Not even 10 minutes ago she's calling again, begging him to go find the neighbor and have him call her and come pick her up. đ He told her no. She said she was getting out tomorrow, and he told her, no, you're not going anywhere this weekend. She wasn't too pleased.
Your poor husband (and you) he may need to turn his phone off or block her number for a few days.
You MIL just may be my mom đ¤Śđťââď¸. Thankfully she finally got sober but one of the many hospital trips I got in contact with the doctor from four states away and let them know sheâs an addict. She ended up getting help not long after
I can only pray she will get help.
You are NTA. Your attempts are also mostly futile, so if family is pushing back enough that it will make your life miserable, skip it. If you are in the US, there are VERY few resources for this scenario. APS will offer her referrals, maybe check up in a month and thatâs it.
NTA Unfortunately that may not be enough. I am a mandated reporter and I have been trying to get someone into a nursing home ( acquaintance) for 2 years. She has multiple medical problems and delusional disorders. Her house only had chocolate milk and beer in it and it was mouse infested and they still wouldn't do anything. Your husband has to face reality and do something about her. See if you can talk to the hospital social worker. Let them know that she is not coming home with you. They will figure out a rehab.
NTA, even as someone who has severe mental health issues and has pleaded with my parents regarding my desire to be euthanized: No one should be forced to endorse/aid your self-destructive mentality. You're doing the most compassionate thing by seeking to tell the truth and getting her the level of help that will benefit her. When someone is under a false illusion ( "I'm not an alcoholic, it's not an issue." -MIL, likely), others must step up and tell them the true reality of their circumstances. People don't have to like facing reality, but [not wanting to face reality] is not a valid excuse for continuing to be detrimental to others.
You have to do this. Or she could end up in your home with your kids.
You did the right thing. NTA I'm really surprised medical staff didn't report it if this has happened numerous times.
You did the right thing. It has become very serious. My oldest brother was a severe alcoholic like that. We had to have him institutionalized, which is very hard to do. He would pass out and hit his head on the pavement so often that it gave him epilepsy. He died young of congestive heart failure from alcoholism anyway. Very sad.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Thank you for the advice.
NTA
It doesn't sound like your care would be what's best for her though - with work, school and kids you get tapped out. Not to mention the stress it would put on your husband. You had to tell them - it wasn't selfish - it was what was in everyone's best interest. NTA
NTA. You did nothing wrong. And from the sounds of it sheâs not capable of caring for herself. I dealt with the effects of alcohol when it came to my dad and in all honesty if I had used my head I would have done the same thing and called adult protective services. In fact I wish I had, heâd probably still be alive.
NTA. You did the right thing.
NTA but I can tell you adult protective services doesn't do shit especially since her big issue is her own addiction your better off trying to compose a list of meetings or looking for rehab
NTA! But your MIL also needs your help. She needs to go in medical care and do rehab. She needs to stay in professional hands. But while she is there she will need some proper TLC from you guys, all she wants is love. Because she hates herself and destroys herself đ
Youâre not the jerk. She needs some serious help. Her alcohol abuse is going to kill her if she doesnât change, itâs a miracle that it hasnât already. If she is angry with you, itâs because of her addiction. Itâs not because you actually did anything wrong. She needs professional help, you and your husband are not in the position to give her the amount of help she needs.
NTA. She needs help and the hospital is one of the places with resources and expertise to give it to her.
NTA alcoholics are nigh on impossible to deal with for family members as they get very good very fast at manipulating their loved ones. You doing this will likely end with your husband being upset you are in the right bear with it and get her the help she needs.
NOT TA, the hero. You're doing what he kids should be doing and probably saving her life
Hospital discharge planner here, please make sure whoever is your MILâs discharge planner is fully aware that you all are not going to be providing care for her. And, that the home is not safe/accessible. With your MIL being admitted multiple times for similar issues, Iâm sure that the treatment team has some inkling that sheâs not telling them the whole truth. Ideally, if her hospital is anything like the one I work at, they wonât discharge her without a safe plan in place and if home isnât a safe option they will work with her and family (if she consents) to find a safe placement.