Whoever told you to give that ultimatum can rot. I think you can talk to her about it, but you shouldn’t talk about how you are finding your self less sexually attracted to her. Make it about her health and offer to do whatever diet and exercise things you’d like of her ride along side with her.
Also, realize that the medication could be a lot bigger impact than you think, and that this is also something that happens as people age. Part of being married is knowing that your partner is probably not gonna look the same (or as physically/sexually attractive) later in life as you did when you were younger, but the point is that your love grows deeper, so you’re more accepting of stuff like this.
Yep, I was appalled that that was suggested as an option. I will always love my wife and find her beautiful. Sex has never been too important to me as I know that as people age, things happen and you likely won’t be going at it the same amount as you would be when you’re 21.
Her actual weight gain doesn’t bother me, I would be happy with the way things are but she is clearly aware something is up and is like a dog with a bone. She’s not a stupid woman either, other than wanting to be honest with her, the main reason I don’t lie to her is because I know she’s smart enough to see through it.
Honestly if she is as active as you say and has been trying to lose weight and can't do, it means it's the meds she is on. So you should 100% never say that you have less sex because she gained weight. It will absolutely destroy her and no good can come of it. Stick to the fact that you are tired and try and "make up for it" by planning nice activities together (spa day or hiking or wine bar), just to prove that you love her still.
If she tells you she is sad/frustrated by her weight loss not happening, then you can always tell her that she should check with her doc if something can be done with regards to her meds but do reassure her that she is beautiful (not "still beautiful" or "beautiful in spite of her weight") to you and you just want her happy.
Mmhh, but i WAS concerned about my wifes health when she got into adipositas territory. I think that is a legitimate concern? It realy is my main problem with her getting much weight since i love her very much and want to grow old with her.
It can be true but it’s not going to go over well. Telling someone they need to lose weight is kind of like telling them they have acne that they need to take care of. I am sure they are aware.
Not always ... I find my partner extremely hot and good looking.
I have had the "health concern" talk with him. Then again, I started at first by asking whether or not that type of talk is something that he is comfortable with and helpful. He said yes and encouraged me to do it.
So I told him my concerns, and he has asked me to remind him and push him on many separate occasions all on his own.
But it's all about gauging very carefully if it's something they are ready for and comfortable with hearing from you.
Look if you’re already putting on this kind of weight in your late 20s and can extrapolate out a few years it’s definitely a huge concern for later in life.
He mentioned medication though, and some medications, especially steroids, can do a number on your weight. Obviously her doctors think the benefits of the medication to her health are worth the weight gain. And if not, THEY will tell her and hopefully look for a solution.
Oh yeah, I’ve been through the same thing with my wife. I’ve been married 20 years, and I can absolutely say that marriages and married sex-lives have an ebb and flow to them. Sometimes you’re hot and heavy, sometimes you’re more like friends and roommates, but if you love and respect each other, it always comes back around.
I told my daughter just yesterday that the most important thing in marriage is making sure that you are compatible as roommates first, friends second, and everything else third, because the “everything else” part comes and goes overtime, but if you were compatible on the first two things, then you can weather that up and down flow.
As others have said, no ‘concern for your health’ thing. The real issue here seems to be less that your aren’t as attracted to her (as you have said sex isn’t that important to you) so much as she does not feel attractive to you and that she does not feel validated/loved because she was heavily relying on sexual interest from you to communicate that to her. A conversation around concern about her not feeling attractive to you that centres on what might make her feel more attractive could be helpful. Another could be a conversation around what things you do tell her/shoes her that you love her. How does she know? Guaranteed it is more than just sex. Focusing on that is a very helpful reminder. I was in a position similar to your partner previously, and going over the ways I know that my partner loves me was very helpful.
I don't envy you. This is such a tough situation & the wrong move could make your relationship take a sharp left.
You said she keeps bringing things up over & over. What are your thoughts on something like: "You've been bringing up our sex life a lot lately & mentioning your weight. I have noticed a difference too & realize I have been initiating things less. Would us cooking & working out together be something you want to do to get back to our old habits?"
You know her best, so you know what may work & what won't. Maybe this will ¹make her feel like you're in it together & ²while working on some of her confidence that she seems to be struggling with lately. Sorry you're in this spot, OP. Good luck with things.
That actually sounds like a great way to bring it up and less like it’s just me noticing the weight gain.
I really struggle with confrontation and wording things well
I just want to throw in here that you mentioned she is on new tablets. When I was taking a certain antidepressant it made me gain weight and I couldn't lose it no matter what I did.. Once my doctor switched my meds, the effort I put into working out actually showed and weirdly enough alleviated my depression a little lol
This was my first thought. Ik a lot of my past partners, and closer friends have mentioned meds, and such causing weight. May just be hard to lose soley because of that.
I also thought "hmmm, op may be ace just doesn't know what that is" but then op mentioned dating an ace, so maybe its more demi.
After Covid medication and being more sedentary did this to me. I’m nearly back to ‘normal’ but my ex told me I was ‘too fat to f*ck’. Just so you know, you’re a good person and a good partner. I would have wanted honesty and help. Motivation. I think you can be kind and be honest here. I’d almost just say what you did in the post. Look for what can help motivate her, and maybe see if she can check into alternatives medication wise.
Edit: Sleepy me screwed up genders
This and maybe suggest getting both of your bloods done if you can afford it? Sometimes blood tests reveal little imbalances and hurdles that can easily be fixed which = more energy and motivation.
She's unhappy too and sounds like she wants to change too. Try learning and to focus on what her goals are. Focusing on what her goals are, will hopefully make her still feel comfortable and in control.
That's a very good summary of thoughts.
Not only does OP know her best, OP's SO also knows herself probably very well/the best. This is a problem for the both of them, so it can only be resolved by both. Noone should have the "upper hand" or be forced into initiative here. OP is not the custodian, they are equals and should meet on eye-level.
I dunno man, you’re married! I know you’re young and all, but marriages go through ups and downs. I personally think you should just give this one time…
Someone’s body shape is not the only sexy thing about them. Focus on the other things that make her sexy for a while?
Maybe explore some sexual activities that feel new and connective and exciting in the meantime.
I really wanted to just give it time, but she keeps probing and probing and I don’t know how long I can keep denying it.
Thanks for your advice about trying new things, I can certainly give it a go.
I did try to work round it by going and getting turned on by porn or whatever and then going through and initiating sex. But that felt really scummy and almost like cheating? I know it’s not the same thing but it didn’t make me feel like a great person
I think you should answer the question by offering her care and compassion. She needs her own love more than anything..
Maybe try something like:
“You seem to be asking me that a lot babe, have you been feeling insecure lately? I’ll remind you of your beauty always, but until YOU love and connect with your body…you’ll likely always struggle to believe me and truly feel it. What can we do together to help heal your confidence?”
Chances are she’s feelin’ a little off and needs gentle loving care more than complements anyway. 💖
I think her asking means she already has an idea of what the answer is. Maybe you can start encouraging her to do more active things together and maybe start cooking healthy meals for her?
She does go to the gym quite frequently, I would invite her on runs but she doesn’t accept which is fair because she does have an old ankle injury which flairs up when she runs.
I usually don’t have any interest in going to the gym but do you think asking her to help me get used to the gym and asking to go with her would be a good way to encourage more activity?
It’s the calories not the exercise. Meds make it harder to lose weight, which means she might have to eat around 1000 calories a day to lose weight, which is starving. Honestly this sounds so messed up. What are you going to do when she ages? What are you going to do when you age? Nothing you do will stop the 40 yr old spread. Men get it just like women. What if she gets sick, god forbid, or has an accident? Will you never be intimate w her again? I couldn’t imagine feeling like this towards my husband. When I look at him, I see him, not his wrinkles or his different weight placement from when he was 23. I think you need to talk to a therapist to find out why your attraction to someone you claim to love so much is this conditional, and maybe she can try something like wegovy if she’s feeling bad about herself bc of a few extra medication pounds. You’re already putting a condition on her this soon; your life together has just begun, couples counseling before it gets out of hand and you both resent each other. People wait until it’s too late to do couples counseling, don’t make that mistake, and still see your own therapist
Right? I'm really curious if it's a significant amount of weight or literally as little as 15-20 lbs! Though that's an assumption, I've just seen so many of these posts and it comes out the partner has gained the littlest most HUMAN amount of weight
She said in another comment it's around 70 lbs., if that helps.
As someone struggling to lose a similar amount of post-covid weight who is also affected in that by medication, i sympethize with them both.
Yeah I can’t tell anymore if these are made up bc there’s been so many recently, and op said she isn’t fat, and she exercises, so it can’t be a significant amount. So creepy
Firstly, I’m not a man. I’m well aware how hard it is to be a woman struggling with body confidence issues.
I do love my wife and that will never change, we are still intimate often, I just forget to initiate as much because I think of sex less. Once we get in to it, I get turned on and the sex is still great.
I have never said my love is conditional, I will always love and support her. If she was happy with how she is I would happily continue on. But she is not happy and has made me aware of it. I still always call her beautiful and compliment her many times a day.
Romantic and sexual attraction are different things, I still think she is beautiful and I love her deeply. But that “lust” feeling has faded and I have tried my hardest to get it back, but it is hard to make yourself feel something like that.
I would never want her to go on a dangerous diet or cut out her medication.
Sex isn’t a massive deal to me which is why I didn’t think this would be a massive issue, but she has been bringing it up.
You're falling into a pretty classic trap with that last paragraph. "It's not a big deal to me so I don't see why it should be for her". Your partner isn't you, and she's told you multiple times that it IS a big deal for her. It's time to accept that it is.
Further, she isn't stupid, and your actions are speaking a lot louder than your words. If you're open to having more sex (and it sounds like you are, since you say you still enjoy it), it may be time to start putting reminders in your phone. Or make a mental note when she initiates, so you know its your turn in the next day or two (or week, whatever your frequency is). Identify the patterns that used to exist in your sex life, and try to implement them. Was it sex mainly before bed? In the mornings on the weekend? A quickie after lunch?
You can also do things to turn yourself on more. It doesn't have to be porn, but I know when I'm wearing some sexy underwear and have my legs shaved, I'm more likely to be thinking about having sex later, even if I haven't seen my partner that day.
Finally- please don't let your history with your friend keep you from being honest with your wife. The dissonance from your actions not matching your words is already messing with her head, it's why she keeps pressing. She wants to feel like she isn't crazy, that you ARE pulling away (because you are), and it isn't all in her head. Telling her she's beautiful and lying to her when she asks if it's because of her weight is doing damage, even if you don't want it to.
Thanks for your advice, it helps a lot.
It may be hard to believe, but I’m not lying when I say she is beautiful, she is. For me, sexual attraction is different from beauty.
We still have sex most nights of the week (at least 5 times a week) so I didn’t think the frequency had changed but I can for sure see how me initiating less could upset her.
I will try to make a more conscious effort initiating sex, I think another commenter was right when they said I may be less aroused as she is less confident. Im deeply attracted to confident women so her being more insecure might have rubbed off. Which of course then starts a vicious circle of her being more insecure and so on.
Honestly, I fully believe you think she's beautiful. But that's not what she's looking for right now- think of it like a girl asking if you think they're pretty, and you respond with "you have great hair". Not a word a lie, she probably DOES have great hair, but everyone knows you're dodging the question (even if beauty and style are different for you).
The insexurity is a really tough one, I feel you there. To an extent, you can't solve that for her- she needs to find confidence in herself. But the half truths won't help her do that. I wish you the best of luck
I posted here so that I could get advise on how to reply the next time my wife brings it up. If she hadn’t raised the issue, I wouldn’t be here, I would be dealing with it myself
Idk, are you sure it’s the weight? Could it just be your libido? Have you had your hormone levels checked? Or shit this would probably be the perfect thing to take to a sex therapist. It really seems like something else is going on and the weight is the easiest assumption.
It could be my libido I suppose, I also had a change in my medication (my wife and I are regular visitors of our pharmacy) recently which may have changed more things than I realised.
I am also attracted to confident women (one of the things that turned me on about her when we first met) so her being more insecure could have rubbed off on me
You keep looking for answers outside yourself. My advice would be to look inward. Honestly it seems like you're blaming your wife for you being less interested in sex. And yet here we learn you yourself are also on a medication which might be affecting your sex drive. Sheez.
I’ve you’ve read my replies you would see I am very open to looking at any personal issues I may have and have welcomed any insights to anything that could be effecting me
I don’t think it’s her weight that’s making you lose attraction, it sounds like to me, I think it’s her confidence that you were attracted to, now she’s feeling insecure and that change in her is making you feel this way. Lust fades too. I still think you’d both benefit from couples counseling just to talk things out. You seem to want to be 100% in so that’s great. The counseling couldn’t hurt bc at least you’ll both learn how to communicate exactly what it is you’re both feeling. Good luck to you both
It may be partly confidence, she used to have this “aura” that turned me on a lot. She would walk around naked and not really care, now she covers herself up more now that I think about it.
I have dated people larger than her and had no sexual attraction problems, which is why I thought it was strange that this was an issue in the first place
I think couples therapy, especially for sex, might be helpful to help you figure it out more. This one is tough, and the confidence thing makes sense! Her constantly bringing it up might be part of the issue. For the lack of confidence, I mean. But the more I read, the more it doesn't feel like just a weight issue based on what you've said. Honestly, I have a very strict policy of do NOT ask me a question you don't want an honest answer to!! I liked the comment someone left about turning the focus back to her when she says something. The "you know you've been bringing this up a lot, why is your confidence lacking and how can I help." Type of thing.
Therapy would help you figure it out and help her with body image. I really hope it all goes well!! It's obvious you love her a lot.
If she’s smart like you said, she’s going to figure it out. And then she’s going to get really angry with you. How about talking to a therapist about this. They can help you with how you approach this topic and figure out your feelings.
You answered your own question, turn the gym into a shared hobby and research nutrition. Use the excuse "oh babe should we have a competition to see who can get more shredded? Let's make meal plans and do meal prep together, we'll save money too" Idk disguise it somehow
Idk this feels disingenuous and toeing the line of thinking she’s stupid and won’t see right through it.
I think there’s a slight disconnect for you as well that you compartmentalize romantic attraction and lust. In my opinion lust is fickle and that’s where both need to be married because bodies change.
Hopefully that makes sense.
What? That is scummy. They meant focus on the other things about HER that you're attracted to, not some porn actress jfc.
May I ask how much weight has she gained? Was it a lot and in a short amount of time? Do you think it could be mental or thyroid related?
It was like 70 lbs, not enough to make her obese by any stretch of the imagination, but enough to substantially change the way her body looks and her facial features.
70 pounds in a couple of years is medication and diet, it ain’t caused by lack of exercise. And it sounds like she exercises some. Maybe you can improve the diet around the house or see if she can change the medication.
The problem with the diet around the house is that because we have slightly different work schedules, we only really eat one meal together.
I do cook that one meal and try my best to make it as healthy as possible, but I dont really have much input in to her other food choices.
Maybe I can ask her if she would be ok not having junk food in the house because it is tempting me? That may make it seem like she is helping me out so not feeling called out?
Speaking from experience: Adding 70lbs makes you work-out significantly less efficient and, generally, also much more painful. Just making it 'less fun' to go do workouts in the first place. In short, everything becomes much more of a pain and you have to force yourself against your will to do it.
Not sure if you have the luxury of time for this, but long walks burns calories reasonably well, doesn't feel too much like a work-out and could be bonding time, if you're in a nice enough area.
She was very slim to begin with to be fair to her, and if you saw her, you would get what I mean about how she doesn’t look too overweight.
She has also been using weights machines so a fair amount of her weight gain has been muscle
I'm 48 and have been in relationships since I was a teenager. Nothing whatsoever about what the OP has said seems shallow or superficial. She's gone to great lengths to respect her partner's health and feelings. May we all be as fortunate as her partner.
I am deeply concerned about her health, which is why I don’t want her to do any dangerous fad diets or come off of her medication. She is the one voicing discomfort over her weight gain
Actually you are too by saying you’re not attracted to her. Wait til it’s your turn; when you get “fat” or your boobs sag or you get wrinkles or another unattractive thing bc life happens. Yikes.
Dude. Stop. She knows. You don’t have to say it. It will be all over your tone, your expressions, your body language. You came here, literally in the title you have lost attraction to her. She. Freaking. Knows. If I were you, I’d come clean because I promise you she knows that too, and it’s making her feel worse, which won’t pull weight off. But for God’s sake have better tact with her than you did here and say something like you know she’s been trying and she seems to be having trouble so let’s talk to a doctor to make sure everything is ok.
Btw, certain meds will absolutely plop 75lbs on a woman. And it’s the biggest bitch to lose because no matter how much you work out, no matter how healthy you are, it won’t go away. Check in to that.
Be more convincing in your denials. Your reason of having low sex drive is totally plausible. It is technically true too. Sometimes a medication can totally derail weight loss. Maybe look into her hormonal health and make sure everything is in working order. The standard “eat less, exercise more” is outdated crap, along with the standard “Calories in calories out”. Hormones and the microbiome are the real keys to weight loss. Are the meds something she has to stay in long term?
Ok, I’m going to be honest as someone who’s going through the same thing, but I’m the wife. DON’T TELL HER. Keep your mouth shut. If she wasn’t trying, it would be a different story. But she is trying and medication is making it worse- if you tell her her insecurity is going to spiral and she’s going to be ten times more self conscious.
KEEP LYING!!! I know it’s hard but she’s working on it. Just be patient a little longer. Work on diet and food, but don’t tell her. Lie to her. She’ll be so upset trust me on this. I know my husband isnt as attracted to me, and I’m working on it but I can’t do anything more than what I’m doing besides starve myself. So do not tell her. If she wasn’t trying it would be a different story, but she is. Wait it out give it some more time
Thanks for your input as someone on the other side. I really didn’t know what was the better way to go about this as, as a woman myself, I know how hard feeling self conscious can be and don’t want to add to that. But at the same time, I value honesty so much and constantly lying is making me feel like an asshole too
I’ve gained weight from meds for depression and if a partner told me they were less sexually attracted to me it would kill me. I have to choose between depression and my partner’s sexual attraction? (Keeping in mind I have tried many other medications.) If it’s medication-related, I agree, don’t say anything, and I think you need to monitor your own attitude with a sex therapist — you can go by yourself!
I would never ask her to give up her medication for me, her health is worth so much more to me than that. I am also never going to give her an ultimatum that she needs to lose weight or I will leave her. She will never have to choose between me and anything else.
Normally, I would say don’t lie. But realistically- is there actually anything she can physically do right now to change it? If there was, I’d say go for it. But if not- all it’s going to do is freak her out. She can’t control it. She’s working to fix it- but it takes time. If it had been a year or two and she wasn’t trying, talking to her would be right. And you have to live with her and yourself- so it’s your choice. This is just my thoughts.
But personally, if she’s trying to fix it, just give it a little longer. She can probably tell you’re lying, and she knows, but she doesn’t REALLY want to know the truth. It won’t do anyone any good. If it persists being a problem in the future- ok, talk. But really really think hard before you open your mouth because you can’t take it back and it will probably make her worse mentally. Like I said though- this is how I’d feel. I don’t know her, so it could be different. Just my perspective. Good luck.
Do you think there is a nice way to suggest asking her doctor about her medication? I genuinely think that it has something to do with it as her weight did start going up again when her medication was switched
Maybe start a conversation about the medicine, or about if she’s having side effects from it? Ask her if she’s noticed anything, or maybe say you read an article or story about how that certain medication can have effects of making it harder to lose weight or any other potential side effects? Or if there’s anything else you’ve noticed about how it’s affected her and how maybe the medication is the cause? I don’t know why she’s taking it or what it’s for- but Google the medicine and see what people say about it and bring it up to her about how it’s affecting her. Or the next time she brings up not being happy about the her weight, bring up about her diet and the medicine. Like maybe these things are messing with your results. How you love her and are happy with her but if she’s not happy maybe she can change up what she eats or maybe it’s the medicine making it harder.
This was hard lol. I know you’re in a difficult spot and I sympathize so much. I’m sorry I don’t have better advice.
FWIW, I was there, in your exact shoes a few years ago. It took a long time (5 years?) for things to turn around, but they finally did. My wife caught the health bug and figured out how to get healthy by herself. Much to /u/Bleacherblonde's point, I'm glad I never was brutally honest with her as I know that would just open a wound that could not be healed (even if everyone stayed healthy).
I focused on the positive as much as I could, and made myself a role model in as much of a way as possible without being pressing about it. I asked to get her involved in cooking, asked her to go on runs, I gave up alcohol voluntarily. She never really dug into any of these ideas, but I think the constant positive rolemodelling played a big part in her finding her self-confidence and means.
Good luck!
Thanks for your perspective!
I am definitely trying my best to be as healthy as I can be, both with exercise and diet. I always ask if she wants to join in when I go exercising, but not everything I do she can do or wants to do. So I should maybe have been better in getting involved in her activities instead.
I cut out alcohol 6 months ago, although that was actually my wife who convinced me to do that as she stopped drinking and thought it would be better for me (she was right)
Such terrible advice.
She knows she's overweight, the reason she keeps asking is because OP is lying to her and she knows. It's condescending to lie to her over and over again.
This is not helping her at all. Awful, awful advice.
I agree, I feel like you could simply mention your libido is slowing down and it's ok because it doesn't impact how much you love and want to be with her, reassure her and kill the thought that you might not want her anymore simply because you don't instigate sex as much in the nest
This. This comment.
Its clear she is very insecure about her weight and does try to lose it. And medication just makes that really hard/nearly impossible right now. I think it might be best for both of you to try and focus on moving and eating healty in terms of what feels good on her body/mood (instead of: what looks good, because that mindset makes you mad at your body instead of appreciating it) and what makes her beautiful right now, regardless of size.
I see all the suggestions about helping her diet or eating healthier, and I do think that's great. Especially if she's already active at the gym diet is probably the number 1 thing that will help right now.
But now for the harsh part - you should try and work on getting past this mentally. She might not lose the weight. That's just reality. Especially if it's caused by a much needed medicine.
Over our lives our partners will change. They will gain and lose weight. They may become disabled or physically changed in ways we never expected. And if you truly love that partner, you will love them through the changes.
If she is initiating 90% of the time, then you have already taken a fairly harsh stance on this and are borderline going dead bedroom with no explanation. You are kidding yourself if you think she doesn't know why. That is why she's fishing, because she knows you don't want sex with her anymore.
You need to really think about how you can begin to move past this without changing her. Could you try flattering lingerie for her to wear? Maybe turn off lights for more flattering lighting? Try new acts that help make things more exciting or engage in non physical foreplay like watching porn together to help get mentally in the mood?
If you truly can not feel any attraction to her while she's overweight, then maybe you should not be together. Not trying to jump to extremes, but honestly, your partner deserves more than this.
I think we are all too focused on looks in a way that damages us, even if it’s positive feedback. My partner used to constantly say something like, “have you lost weight?”, when I knew I had only put it on. I knew he was full of shit and it just made me feel worse.
I think compliments should be about other things, like personality, achievements, humour, or for visual stuff, that colour suits you, but not about a person’s actual body or face all the time.
If we put all of our worth into how we look, how we look is all we think about. Then if we’re unhappy with how we look, we are too sad to be motivated to look after ourselves.
We look after ourselves more when we are feeling good. For me anyway. Even a walk in the morning can be a catalyst for being more conscious about what you’re eating for the rest of the day.
Thank you for your insight, whilst I do compliment the way she looks (and I do believe each one, she is still beautiful), I also compliment her other amazing attributes.
Whenever she plays her piano, I compliment how she plays, I tell her how funny she is and how happy she makes me feel.
I get what you mean about complimenting how people look drawing more attention to any insecurities they may have, but if I stop complimenting her looks will that not make her more worried I don’t think she looks good?
That’s true. Stopping completely would potentially make her feel like you don’t like how she looks anymore. I think maybe just slightly altering things would still work. Instead of a stock standard “you’re beautiful”, it could be a caress as you walk by, or a comment on her looking good in those jeans.
The problem with the beautiful comment is that if she doesn’t feel beautiful, it might feel off and insincere. Not because you are insincere, but because she just doesn’t feel that way at the moment. Doesn’t mean you never say it of course, just maybe show love in a different way, instead of going straight to a compliment about her looks to try make her feel better.
I'm going to come at this from a different angle. Been married to my wife for coming up on 13 years. We've had two kids, years of stress and financial insecurity, and she's had mental health issues from past trauma that she has had to deal with.
And she's put on weight. Due to the mental health issues, she hasn't been able to work on it like I know she wants to.
She is still just as sexy and attractive to me as she always was. Because, at least for me, looking sexy/skinny/attractive, isn't everything. I'm attracted to WHO she is. She is caring, funny, brave, a fantastic mother, gives too much of herself to help people, and so many more things. All the things I love about her make her attractive to me.
I don’t think I worded things clearly. For me, romantic attraction and sexual attraction are two very different things. I have never not been romantically attracted to her, she is the best person I have ever met.
I WISH I was still as sexually attracted to her as before, I have tried so hard to get back to that place because I do feel like an asshole, but it’s something that I can’t change.
I have never been that sexual of a person so sexual attractiveness has never been a massive deal to me, but it’s clearly upsetting my wife
>I have never been that sexual of a person so sexual attractiveness has never been a massive deal to me,
Maybe this is playing into your feelings? I don't think there is any way you can tell your wife that you don't find her sexually attractive without devastating her self-esteem. I wonder if it would be worthwhile for you to have a few sessions with a therapist to see if you can reframe how you look at sexual attraction? Or to talk out whether your sex drive is just reduced in general? Just an idea. Might be a dumb one, but it's all I could think of.
It might be worthwhile talking it through with someone.
Another commenter brought up that if she is feeling self conscious then I may not just be less attracted to her because of her physical changes, but also to her being less confident about herself than before.
That could be part of it too
The confidence part is a good point and if you’re looking for a way to talk with her about this when she brings it up without hurting her feelings, that might be a good focus.
maybe you could just say you’ve noticed she hasn’t been as confident and comfortable with her body lately and you’ve been worried about her and it’s impacting your sex drive a bit but that you still think she’s the most beautiful person.
Then you guys could talk about building her confidence through eating better, getting some more exercise in to help her feel better and your part will be encouragement, lots of compliments about her physical appearance and her as a person, and maybe planning some special dates to help her stay positive and motivated. I’d look into couples tantric exercises as well, they’re really great for rebuilding intimacy and connecting with each other without having sex
I feel compelled to apologize to you myself for some reason, because people are projecting like hell on you. The physical, sexual attraction is a normal part of a relationship, even if it is eventually a thing that goes away as you get older. Your post was very tactful and nothing was wrong with it at all. Your love for your partner is quite obvious. I wish I had some good advice to give you! Maybe therapy would help your wife feel better about herself if there was a way to convince her to go without hurting her feelings?
It is probably my fault for not expressing myself as clearly as I could.
It is upsetting people thinking I don’t love her, I love her more than I could ever express in a million years.
I will support her no matter what, I am only bringing this up at all because she raised the issue in the first place.
The last thing I want to do is split up over her gaining weight, as sex is genuinely the least important thing of our relationship to me by a landslide
Sex may not be the most important part of your relationship, but it may be important for her to feel connected to you. You may tell her that she’s beautiful every day but by not initiating sex as often, your actions are contradicting your words, and she probably feels intuitively that you’re not as sexually attracted to her. I would ask her what sex means for her in relationship, and if it is really important to her, I would try to initiate more.
That’s nice. But not everyone is that way, and talking about how you are that way isn’t going to change anything for them. I also detest the notion that this is somehow a morally or ethically superior way to feel.
I would never blame her as there are lots of reasons why people gain weight. I wanted to just let it play out over time but she has started to bring it up. I always remind her how beautiful she is and try to support her as much as possible
I don’t know, I guess in my mind “fat” is when you are really over weight. She is more just chubby. I guess everyone classifies fat as different things
OP I am not saying this to bust your chops but can you explain how you find her beautiful but don’t find her as sexually attractive? Also, how much weight are we talking? you yourself said that she isn’t fat so I’m trying to understand these contradictions. Also, you need to tell her the truth. She already knows it and while less sex might be no big deal
to you- it doesn’t mean she is satisfied with it. She is probably already hurting over this and racking her brain trying to understand what is going on.
Idk, it’s hard to explain, but I have always treated romantic and sexual attraction as different things.
I’m gay, but I can certainly tell if a man is handsome without being sexually attracted to him.
My romantic love and attraction has not changed at all.
It’s hard to explain because I guess everyone experiences attraction differently.
She gained 70lbs, she was very slim to start with and part of it is muscle, so doesn’t sound as bad is it is. She is also 5’8” so taller than average.
Fat is also subjective to everyone, when I think of a “fat” person, I think of someone incredibly overweight, possible obese.
So for me, she is not fat, but chubby. I guess some people might consider her fat depending on their definition
This is a tough one OP.. not sure of the diagnosis she has and the medication she takes can be a huge factor for weight gain.. so weight loss can be a lot slower and challenging. For someone who has experience who has several chronic health illnesses and work long hours. I am always on the go and eat low carb and my weight is at a good weight now. Still fluctuates depending on my medication dosage if I need an increase or just depending on my health. So I can understand that part. If you tell her you find her less sexually attractive, she will shut down, be embarrassed and probably start to hide her body in bigger clothes. She will also no longer want to have close intimate moments with you as she will be insecure about her body even when you tell her she is beautiful cause she won’t believe you.
I know it’s not fair to you, but when your in committed relationship you take the good and the bad parts. You can try to cook healthier meals, as you stated she doesn’t cook well. Try incorporating fun active activities to get out more like hikes, start smalls hikes she is she can enjoy them and you have a dog so that will be ok. Maybe if your have a roller skating ring do that and have fun, or even salsa dancing or some type of dancing, paint ball, rock climbing. That way it incorporates exercise in a fun way you both can do together, see if that will help with her weight loss journey and maintain it, especially if she is on medications. Cause the extreme dieting and exercise can be dangerous and sometimes it can go that way as words may hurt the ones we love. Even when we don’t intend to with our purest intentions. Good luck.
The last thing I want is for her to risk her health to lose weight. I was never going to bring it up until she kept asking.
I don’t mind the reduction in sex, her being happy and our emotional connection is worth so much more to me.
I totally understand. What you can try looking at curvy models in lingerie, you can view porn with with curvier females see if that helps ignite a little passion. If that’s ok and not and issue in your relationship. As some couples don’t like when there partners see porn and consider it cheating. Perhaps buy some nice lingerie pieces for your wife and see if that helps spice things up. You might end up enjoying those extra curves and the reality is her body might be this new normal and you have to make the decision to love every inch of her unconditionally or Have an honest conversation with her, especially if she is feeling that you are pulling back. If you end up telling her, make sure to get some counselling after depending on how things go. Good luck you both deserve love, happiness moving forward.
I can certainly try that, neither of us care if the other looks at porn, although I haven’t used it in awhile since our sex life left little time for me to “take things in to my own hands”.
If this is our new normal then I’m going to do everything I can to make it work and make my wife feel as loved as she is
so i went on anti depressants and gained 60 lbs in 5 months.
i just went off them and lost it all.
meds can change bodies a lot. i’d reframe it as “i liked when we were both more active, we seemed happier and your mood and confidence was way better.”
bodies are bound to change. be gentle about this
Reading some comments made me realise it is probably her confidence I miss more than anything. It was what turned me on so much about her when we first met.
You don’t need couples therapy. Therapy isn’t needed for every problem. She probably knows she has gained weight and next time it comes up jusr be honest, just like in this post, and tell her you are willing to teach/show / support her in ways to lose and keep weight off m. Maybe she genuinely doesn’t realize how bad her diet is.
Thanks, as uncomfortable as it will be, I will be honest when she nexts brings it up.
I am always willing to help her with her diet and exercise, I have noticed she eats more each day than she thinks she does. I just didn’t want to offer any help because then that would be me saying she wasn’t “trying hard enough” if that makes sense.
I usually do all of the cooking for dinner as she doesn’t cook very well, so at least dinner is a healthy meal, but I can’t control everything she eats (nor do I want to!). I do feel like her medication is making it hard for her to lose weight as one of the side effects can be weight gain.
That adds a whole other level to it as the weight gain could be due to something she can’t control
When she brings up her frustration about not losing weight, maybe you can suggest a doctor's visit, since her medication is likely exacerbating the problem? She may be a candidate for one of the Type II diabetes meds that are also used for weight loss.
Trying and failing to lose weight over and over again is really demoralizing. A family member of mine lost almost 90lbs in the past year on Wegovy--literally the first time in his life he's been successful at weight loss. He seems so much happier.
Just throwing it out there in case it might be helpful.
(And you're not an AH--physical attraction is important in a relationship and your love for her is obvious--try not to be too hard on yourself.)
I will bring up the medication thing to her, it might make her feel better if she knows it is partly due to her medication.
On the flip side I would be worried that knowing the medication is causing some of the problem would make her stop taking it. I’m not going to say her medical condition as it is not relevant but this medication is very important for her health.
Either way, a visit to a doctor could offer her some more support so I will bring it up!
Medicine can be a bastard for weight gain. I started a lowish dose of an ssri for nerve pain and put on 20lbs, dropped the dose and then lost the weight again since my eating habits hadn't changed.
This is the way. Honestly as a woman we know. She keeps probing because she wants that validation you still find her beautiful. I hate liars, it’s one of my pet peeves but this one you lie about. You tell her that she is the most beautiful woman in the world to you. Then suggest the doctor because it absolutely can be hormones. She also might be struggling with depression and that’s why she can’t seem to stick to good habits. Then invite her when you go work out, the rest is up to her.
For real dude don’t tell her you don’t find her sexy anymore. It will not help matters.
I lost 130 lb on Ozempic. I'm type 2 diabetic very mildly. Now this medication has been rated solely for weight loss so she can get it if she wants. But I am curious here about these questions that you are not answering even though many people have asked. How much does she weigh and how much does she need to lose? You need to take her to the doctor and talk about this medication that is making her gain weight. You haven't said what it is. Please answer these questions.
Honestly I relate so much to your wife and find myself in the same boat and it’s hard. She already knows and there’s really no sense in you telling her as it will only hurt her.
But one thing that could help you refind her sexy again in the meantime is maybe helping her find an outfit she feels cute in now to help her confidence. Because a lack of confidence isn’t sexy and it’s possible you’ve been picking up on her feeling that way which isn’t helping either of you. I wonder if she were to feel more accepting of where she is while she continues to work on herself - just gain a break of confidence and self acceptance if that might make you both feel good.
Some new lingerie and maybe a makeover and a dinner night out might be a spark you both to enjoying the now while you work on on improving for the future.
Also she should talk to her doctor about the medication and weight gain as that could be a side effect and it’s possible there’s other medication out there that could do similar thing and not make the weight loss as hard.
I am confused. You say she’s the most beautiful woman in the world to you. You said she’s “not fat by any means.” You love her more every day. Yet you’re not sexually attracted to her. I don’t understand this. It seems contradictory. How much weight did she gain and how tall is she?
There are medications that are awful when it comes to weight gain. Maybe she can switch to something else.
For me, sexual and romantic attraction are different things.
I do love her more romantically every day and she is incredibly beautiful to me.
I also think some men are attractive, but I am not sexually attracted to them.
I think fat as an adjective is subjective, when I think of fat I think of someone incredibly overweight. She is more chubby I would say.
She gained 70lbs and is about 5’8”. Not all of that is fat, she has gained muscle too.
She already knows the answer, you lying compounds the issue. Most people gain weight as they age. Most people aren't as attractive as they age. AND she's on a medicine that promotes weight gain. What exactly did you expect? In case you haven't noticed, the world is still collapsing. But please, stay on this shallow sh!t regarding the woman who is supposedly your soulmate. Gtfo with that.
She married the wrong person if your ability to have sex with her is based on physical appearance, weight gain, or not. YOU married this woman, YOU VOWED to take care of her in sickness and in health, and here you are on Reddit asking us if her gaining weight should be a deal beaker essentially.
You should seriously re-evaluate your relationship with her and ask yourself if you TRULY love her. If you do, you'll ask what's going on and if you can do anything to help. If she's happy the way she is, leave it be. As long as she doesn't become a danger to herself.
Edit; I'm also aware OP stated that sex isn't a requirement. My point is, you shouldn't marry if you aren't prepared for the hard parts of marriage. I.e This post. Marriage isn't something that is easy, and you need to be prepared to ask the hard questions without needing 3rd Party assistance because you'll get options you'll not want to hear.
I’d love to hear the magic fix for losing 70 pounds. I’ve been meticulously counting calories and macros for four years and have GAINED more. Even my physicians have admitted they don’t get it. If medication, female hormone shifts, and the pandemic are involved, it’s unfair to automatically say 100% fixable.
I have may be a very easy solution. Just start initiating sex more often. Since you still love her, since you want to spend rest of your life with her, since you are not even thinking for a second to cheat on her, since you still find her attractive, then she is the only special person in your life and sex is the most enjoyable thing for man. If your wife wants it do it every day man!
Some of us keep getting rejected by our wifes everyday. You are lucky to have such a wife who wants you more 😊
I would never abandon her, as I’ve mentioned. I also mentioned that I still love her and nothing will change that.
I guess not as many people think about romantic and sexual desire as separate things like I do
Jeez what is up with people being less attracted to their partner after weight gain? In the end, you’ll still lose whether you tell her or not.
If you actually loved her, you’d notice but it wouldn’t phase you unless she’s suddenly stuffing junk in her face, being lazy, and ofc, if her health is at stake.
I can’t give a definitive answer because you won’t benefit from keeping it a secret and she’ll get upset if you bring it up. It’s an uncomfortable situation on both ends.
Please don’t try to insinuate I don’t “actually” love my wife, I love her more than you’ll ever know.
I would never divorce her over something as trivial as weight gain, and wouldn’t have even thought about brining it up if she hadn’t asked me first.
I've been there. Lie like a mother fu**** it doesn't matter what you say it won't change the way she feels. Try cinnamon it helps the body burn sugar, which is in everything. Start at 1,000 MG per day and go to 500 if she is ill take with a meal. Tell her it will help prevent type 2 diabetes which runs in YOUR family. See what I did. I love my wife, but she was getting up there. I wasn't unattractive to her, but I wasn't trying to rip her clothes off all the time. Be supportive, or it will only get harder and worse. It may still anyway.
I don’t think I would be able to lie to her about my families medical history, something like that probably would have come up in the 5 years we have been together. She has a PHD and is the smartest person I know, I don’t think I’ll be able to pull any fast ones over on her!
Maybe you should try a little introspection, some self reflection and get your lack of libido checked out before you but the blame on her.
Bodies change. Yours as well as hers.
A person should never lie. Until they should. This is one of those times. You will wound her deeply, and she will never forget it. You say you married her for life, so remember that life has ups and downs. She could lose the weight and then you could injure yourself, gain weight, and have a problem losing it. This is just one of the downs. Encourage her, tell her you love her, and make an effort to initiate sex more often.
It doesn’t sound like exercise is the problem, like you stated, which leaves diet. If you both live together and you’re losing weight, does that mean you aren’t eating the same meals? Because if that’s the case, it sounds like an easy fix where you suggest meal prepping and cooking together, then going for a hike or walk with your dogs. You don’t have to count calories but keep a mental check on portion size and basic macros (higher protein for example). Good luck! - Someone who needs to take their own damn advice
We normally only eat dinner together as our work schedules are ever so slightly different. I cook that so it is usually healthy.
Perhaps I could offer to start meal prepping breakfast and lunches to help her out. I love cooking so it would actually be quite fun for me
As someone who has gained weight from medication, it’s a brutal beast and I would be absolutely destroyed if my husband told me he didn’t find me attractive because of it.
Thankfully he prefers curvy girls so welcomes the change.
Are U sure it's just about U being less physically attracted to her & not about ur own perceived attractiveness of urself now ur slimmer/fitter? When U were both fat did U feel this way? She is older & U mention medication possibly making her gain so she likely has an underlying medical issue that could be impacting both fitness & diet. Despite ur statements how much U love her, ur coming across shallow & conceited, especially given the medication/health issue. I would fully look into her medical issue & the medication to see what impacts they both have on weight & fitness and perhaps change exercise/diet/medication eg: I have hashimotos a thyroid condition that affects metabolism & makes me gain easily & lose slowly plus I high cortisol and high impact exercise makes it worse/harder on my body. Gentle exercise & lower carb diet helps but no great results.
I think you maybe need to stop lying to yourself here. You say that you dont find her fat or ugly but very specifically describe finding her overweight and less sexually attractive, eg fat and ugly. The problem is the words "fat" and "ugly" have insulting connotations, and you dance around that because you dont want to be insulting to your wife. Your wife has also crossed 30, which for whatever reason makes it so much goddamned harder to lose weight after a gain.
So a couple of options:
Option 1, suck it up and fuck your wife. Look in the bathroom mirror to work yourself up to it, salute yourself and do your duty.
Option 2, Tell your wife how you really feel no couching shit in avoidance language. You may want to tell yourself how you really feel first. Say what you want to say into a voice recorder send that shit to a voice modulator and listen to it again in a week. How would you advise that stranger.
Option 3, bring her skiing. She might have just gained more than she likes and is feeling the pain in trying to lose it, bring her on runs and skiing, fuck your wife after all hot sweaty and shit, make it a fun reward for the workout you guys had.
Because right now shes saying she has to initiate all the time then its going to be she feels like you guys are just roommates then shes sexting some asshole she met online, and now you're single.
I don’t think that bringing it up directly is the best idea. But I think an approach of “hey, I’ve been thinking lately about how it would be fun and another way to bond if we start going for evening walks together”. Maybe even mention eating healthy together. This enforced the idea that y’all are in it together.
I love the idea that you aren’t going to leave her, and see it only as an obstacle you have to overcome
Hi there! I hope this gets noticed. I (24f) have been the person that was told I gained weight and that's why they don't initiate sex anymore. And holy crap I can't get that out of my head and we broke up like 4 years ago or something. I've always been self conscious of my weight but that was a fucking blow to any self esteem I had left. They told me they loved me more than anything and that there was more to me than looks.. but she won't forget that/:
I don't usually support lying in relationships, I think honest and open communication is huge. BUT. In this case, just keep making excuses I guess? Also to help yourself initiate, maybe really focus on parts of her that haven't changed that have put you in the mood before. I'm a dum romantic so things like their smile and eyes mean a lot to me. Maybe her smell or the way her skin feels. Her reactions to any touch you give at all. I won't dive more into it.. but focusing on other sensations and familiar parts of her might be helpful idk. I wish you two luck. Keep reassuring her and loving her♡ you two sound awesome and just posting about this shows that you want to take this seriously and carefully and that shows so much love. U got this!
EDIT: I actually read the other comments some more and it sounds like maybe I'm just grossly self conscious tbh. You know her better than all of us combined haha. If you feel you can navigate an open convo with her about this, go for it! But I stand by the find familiar pieces and focus on other ways to experience the situation. Also saw someone say try to spice things up with new things and that sounds pretty solid.
Thanks for taking the time to give me your perspective. This is precisely what I was worried about, we both know she has a problem with her weight, and whenever she asks, I know nothing good can come from it because it’s a different thing to think about yourself one way than to then get it confirmed by someone else.
Don’t tell her what you’ve said here. Ever. It won’t help anything. Tell her you’re struggling with your libido and want to see a therapist about it.
Then go see that therapist and ask them to help you figure out a way forward that doesn’t involve hurting her with words she will never forget.
To add to this, I was the woman who gained weight after having babies and my husband made it clear he wasn’t attracted to my body any more.
His words played in my mind every time I looked in the mirror. The things he said to me caused my dysmorphia and self-loathing. Even after we had broken up, it took me years to not hear his words when I looked at myself. Took me about two years to let my now-husband touch my belly without flinching away.
Don’t tell her.
You're in a thin line to mess up but thankfully you're fighting for it. You sound superficial in some parts and maybe your wife keeps on probing because your actions speak louder than words. That's not the assurance she needed. If you meet your wife in her state before that she's sexually attractive to you, will you still fall in love with her? If yes, then just fall in love again.
Make her feel love not just through words. Make her feel that you're worried about her health more than her appearance. I think she's a sensitive person and once she feel your sincerity, everything will come naturally.
Maybe you can find a way to be sexually attracted to her for new things, not specifically her body shape. In my personal experience some objects, clothes, actions or music elecit sexual attraction. These objects can be sexual regardless of the person wearing it. For example, I find black leather gloves very sexual and it really doesn't matter that much who is wearing them. Or someone taking of their belt in a fluid motion. That person can be short, tall, fat, skinny, it is sexual to me.
Íf you have some/could find some "major turn ons" like that and introduce them like a "spice up", or "wear this for me, cause I want you" type thing. You could find your mojo again?
Reading through the comments, it doesn't sound like the weight or your wife is the issue at all.
You say you have had no issues being sexually attracted to women larger than her in the past, and that the weight gain is insignificant. Further, your wife sounds very active and your own medication has recently changed.
This sounds like a lower than usual libido issue for you. Instead of all these games you're suggesting in this thread, try being honest with your wife that your libido is lower than usual. Tell her you're sorry for the way that has hurt her and any misunderstandings caused.
Maybe you can both agree to work on that. This issue requires approaching it like an adult not an attempt to trick your wife into doing "what you want" (which turns out, from your comments, to be unlikely to solve the issue).
Identifying the issue and approaching it as a team is crucial. It's also important to self-reflect and be sure to avoid projecting issues onto your partner. I think you both need the best of luck with this one.
If I was your partner and saw this post Id leave you. How romantic 🙄 nothing screams a good marriage like babe I love you romantically but sexually…eww.
You are so full of contradictions in this post and your replies that Im inclined to say the issue isnt her weight, its you. Maybe you need to go to therapy or see a doctor, because if you claim you still love her, you still enjoy sex, shes not that “fat”, then what the F is the issue? It feels like you have your own issue going on that just happens to be at the same time shes gained weight, and you are zeroing in on that being the issue.
She already knows you have changed and thats why shes fishing, so stop being dishonest and lying to your partner and face the consequences. She will be extremely hurt and yea, thatll be on you. Either she will want to work through it with you or the relationship is over, and you know that but you dont want to risk it, yet you are content with her self esteem dying because you never initiate. Jfc stop stalling, this is worse than the dudes who post about this 24/7, at least they own it.
I think the fact that you're in the best shape of your life while your wife is battling has also affected her self esteem. The advice about gently steering towards better choices and stuff is great but I also think she needs a confidence boost. Do you compliment her about how well she's currently doing? It's a motivation killer doing all the things and not getting the results you want, especially when your partner is.
I think she definitely knows something's up or she wouldn't be asking about it so much. But it's because she's insecure... .Making that worse won't solve anything.
I do think it's easy to assume your low libido/ lack of initiating is due to her weight gain but it honestly might be you, and not her. Worth figuring out through therapy etc.
I compliment her as much as I can, I always tell her I’m proud of her when she comes back from the gym and lets me know about her workouts. I call her beautiful all the time and still kiss and touch her very frequently throughout the day
Welcome to aging. If you're unable to anchor your desire for physical intimacy with your wife (with whom you claim to be deeply in love) in something deeper than superficial qualities (like weight), you're in for a rough 40-60 years.
Work on intimacy, and focus on all the very attractive qualities you wife possess which makes you love her.
And for God's sake initiate sex. You're driving her insecurities with your standoffishness. Find a way to communicate better, because lying to her and making excuses about why you've stopped initiating is definitely not going to help your relationship remain strong and stable.
Soft YTA because you should be sexually attracted to the person your wife is. Not a hard one because you still love her and aren't going to throw your marriage away for this.
Are there things your wife could do besides losing weight to reignite that physical spark? Are there other ways for you to get in the mood and want to initiate? This might be worth seeing a therapist for, even if just one on one to start, maybe later a couple's therapist. Especially since you expressed concern your wife not develop an eating disorder.
You can tell this is already affecting your wife's self esteem. If you stay silent and don't try to make changes, then that will keep happening.
I note that you said once you get into sex, you enjoy it. I also note that you said you have no intentions of leaving her over this. It’s worth examining what this means….your relationship is solid, and the issue seems to be what the weight gain represents.
Our culture has told us that fat people are lazy, disgusting and unmotivated. That if they cared about themselves they would just follow a diet and *not* be fat anymore. Weight loss is incredibly difficult and often not sustainable in the long-term. And for women, it’s additionally complicated by the dozens of hormones that are firing off at all times. And if she is taking medication that causes weight gain, some of this is out of her control.
Further to that, people who are together for a long period of time are going to see their bodies and their partner’s bodies change, sometimes dramatically. Illness, disability, aging and weight gain are a natural part of the human experience. Maybe a therapist could help give you tools to open up a conversation with your wife in a productive way.
I was your wife in this situation. I was put on a medication for pain relief (I have EDS which is maddeningly painful) and it was transformative to experience life without pain for the first time. I could finally lift and care for my toddler and sit in a library long enough to study and pass my exams. Every aspect of life became better and easier. Unfortunately it also made me gain around 15kg. No matter what I did, how I overexercised and how I starved myself, my weight stayed the same. I tried as hard as I could to overcome my internalized fat phobia but ultimately caved in and went through a grueling withdrawal from the meds 2 years later. I lost the first 12kg within 2 months. I now manage my pain with opioids which is a sub-par solution.
It is really sad that a few kgs can have such an impact on a relationship. Weight gain from medication is ruthless because the world we live in is so fatphobic and superficial that when you make a decision in the best interest of your health, you get punished for it every day. My husband never said anything outright about my weight, but he became much colder and more clinical during sex and generally wasn't as nice or romantic towards me. That in itself was a big shocker for me because I have a history of bulimia in adolescence and if I'd known he was that shallow in advance, I never would have married him. I ultimately chose inferior health because I didn't want to deal with the social/emotional fallout from weight gain anymore.
I understand that we all have our tastes and our types, but to me that seems more relevant when swiping through profiles on a dating app than when dealing with the love of your life. How deep can your love actually be if some extra kilos are enough for you to want her less? She's still the same person. I know not everyone is like this, but I can't wrap my head around the concept of loving someone romantically and not wanting to tear their clothes off. My ex boyfriend became overweight over the 3 years we were together and I never wanted him less. My husband was buff when I met him and became very thin and weak over the first 8 years of our relationship; this also never impacted my attraction to him. Love and sex are inextricably linked for me so when I love someone, they become my type. I'm turned on by them because of who they are, their mannerisms, the way they smile, and what they mean to me.
It's possible to change/broaden your idea of what a sexually attractive person looks like. Nothing is fixed. If you don't want to put pressure on your wife and ultimately trigger her to abandon her medication (which she very well may), it would be worth trying to solve the problem inside yourself first. When I was trying to make peace with my medically-induced weight gain I started following some gorgeous plus-sized models (Audrey Littie; Marquita Pring; Ashley Graham) and it helped me to break free from narrower beauty standards. I now see a lot more beauty around me than I used to. Maybe you can too.
PS: if her weight gain is even partly medical, it wouldn't be right for you to prompt her to lose weight from a place of 'concern for her health.' The weight gain is a direct consequence of her doing something that is in the best interest of her health. Please keep this in mind before you say anything that could hurt her.
Just be honest. She's your wife, if you can't be honest with your wife, who can you be? Truth hurts but it's honest and wouldn't you want your wife to tell you if you were doing something she didn't like?
I don't get it to be honest. I'm a woman too and I'm not in the least bit "visual". I thought most women were like me, that you don't need to be "visually turned on", that sex is an emotional connection, and the appearance of the person isn't a factor. I kind of find it weird that you objectify your wife's body. You love her, people change, she's trying to lose weight, I really don't see why you would bring your "sexual attraction" into this. She's already trying to lose weight because she's uncomfortable with the way she sees herself. There's really no point in making her feel bad.
Are you familiar with responsive vs spontaneous desire?
It’s entirely possibly that your desire is responsive. And previously, your partners body could trigger that responsive desire. However, the change in weight(along with what I’m guessing is a drop in confidence which can be an even bigger factor than change in shape) might no longer trigger that responsive desire.
I’d go for discussing what types of things turn you both on and each of you try to do those things for one another at intervals you both find satisfying. Hell, it might boost her confidence and make her more attractive to you again.
Don’t say anything. It’s only gonna hurt her feelings. You really think she’s gonna lose weight cause you made her feel bad. She’ll probably get bigger out of resentment. It’s your wife! You should tell her she’s beautiful, so she feels good about herself
Just be honest with her this is a personal preference it’s not a bad thing to have sexual attraction to something you like having a heart to heart with her is the best course be gentle and encourage her with small goals tell her that she isn’t ugly and fat it’s just that you like her being healthy and wouldn’t want her to get underlying health problems as she gets older
I love how some redditors were instantly triggered in the comments because they assumed you were a man lol. These posts always get such a strong reaction and they instantly assumed you were some ungrateful, whiney husband to the point that they didn't even read the first sentence properly that clearly says you're both female.
Yeah, it sucks, but you can’t make people learn to read better lol.
I am so grateful for everything my wife does for me and I love her more than I could ever express. If she was happy with how she looked then I wouldn’t ever bring it up as her happiness is what matters most to me.
This is only an issue because she is not happy with how she looks and is very self conscious. I feel like nothing I say will make her feel better and will only make things worse for her.
As a woman who has also struggled with being overweight, I know how hard this is for my wife, I just don’t know how to be the best support I can be for her right now
You say she gained weight. You say it is probably somewhat beyond her control because of medication and health issues. You say she works out, swims, and lifts weights. You say she goes to the gym multiple days per week. You say she wants to lose weight and you see that she is actively trying.
What is the purpose of telling her? What could the positive outcome be from saying, “Hey, I know you got fat and you know you got fat and we both know there isn’t anything more you can do than what you are already doing but I want you to know that on top of you being uncomfortable in your body I don’t find you sexually attractive.“
I just don’t see any good coming out of this. People lose hair, gain weight, have surgeries that leave scars, get stretch marks, all sorts of things. If she is trying and there isn’t much more she can do other than starve herself, then keep it to yourself.
You may not be willing to divorce her, but if she feels insecure, ugly, and self conscious every time she is with you she may have a different view of divorce.
Whatever you do, DON'T put her on the spot and tell her you find her less attractive. It could end your relationship. She needs your support. If you love her as much as you say you do, have compassion for her. Marriage means in sickness and in health, remember?
I’ve been avoiding saying it to her precisely because I don’t want to put her on the spot and upset her.
I would have been happy just going on like I have but she keeps bringing it up and I don’t know how much longer I can keep lying.
I adore her and would never divorce her over this, I have never had a connection this strong with any other person and wouldn’t trade that for sex (we are still having regular sex, I just don’t initiate as much). Sex has never been that important to me in a relationship, I like it but I’d much rather be with someone I can laugh and chat with.
Op put yourself in her shoes… imagine she wrote something like this about you on reddit and she was feeling less attracted to you by your weight gain… that would hurt and you know it …. she is obviously having a hard time with things and all you can think about is im less sexually attracted to her …
You’re being extremely selfish and insensitive making this all about you… you said she is trying to get back on track well at least she is giving it a go and completely not giving up … and as for her weight not coming off fast enough for you … everyone is different and don’t have the same metabolism.. you’re very lucky your wife isn’t sick or have major health issues god forbid… you wouldn’t worry about her weight gain then .. stop being selfish and immature… help her if you can … be understanding , she might be going through something she is not telling you about and for fuck sake be patient with her
I wanted to be patient, I have waited a year whilst saying nothing and wanted to continue that way. She has been bringing it up constantly so I wanted to know if people thought I should be honest or not
If you didn’t learn this in school, two women can be married. I am also a woman, so I am well aware of how hard it can be to lose weight as a woman.
Romantic and sexual attraction are different for me, I am still incredibly romantically attracted to her.
For me, romantic attraction is the mental side of things, sexual is for the physical side. Her physical appearance has changed so it makes sense that the physical attraction part has changed too
Don’t tell her anything about her weight. That will make her feel like shit. You do need to make an effort to initiate sex more often. Were you planning to give up sex when you get old and out of shape? The love you feel for the person needs to turn you on. Your brain and what you focus on will turn you on or turn you off. Quit focusing on her weight. Focus on the arch of her foot, her perfume, the nape of her neck, her breasts, how good it feels to slide inside of her, showing her your love, If you don’t, you run the risk that she’ll leave you.
She complains about her weight? I put about 20lbs from the start of the pandemic. My problem is my lifestyle now, working from home I’m just way more sedentary.
I started semaglutide about two weeks ago and I’m down 6lbs. I tried every diet prior but really struggled. Not sure her stance on that kind of thing but it could help maybe. It’s literally taken away the struggle, there’s no stress to it or frustration.
I swear it’s my giving my boyfriend back the girl he met, my attitude, confidence, waistline, sex drive, all of it. You could just tell her you overheard a conversation about it or something.
Just a thought 🙂
Best thing you can do is realize body’s change and they may never go back to honeymoon mode again. I would approach it saying that we need to be healthier together and walk down that path with each other. Don’t approach it as an attractive thing approaching the situation from a health and wellness situation will give better results.
Whoever told you to give that ultimatum can rot. I think you can talk to her about it, but you shouldn’t talk about how you are finding your self less sexually attracted to her. Make it about her health and offer to do whatever diet and exercise things you’d like of her ride along side with her. Also, realize that the medication could be a lot bigger impact than you think, and that this is also something that happens as people age. Part of being married is knowing that your partner is probably not gonna look the same (or as physically/sexually attractive) later in life as you did when you were younger, but the point is that your love grows deeper, so you’re more accepting of stuff like this.
Yep, I was appalled that that was suggested as an option. I will always love my wife and find her beautiful. Sex has never been too important to me as I know that as people age, things happen and you likely won’t be going at it the same amount as you would be when you’re 21. Her actual weight gain doesn’t bother me, I would be happy with the way things are but she is clearly aware something is up and is like a dog with a bone. She’s not a stupid woman either, other than wanting to be honest with her, the main reason I don’t lie to her is because I know she’s smart enough to see through it.
Honestly if she is as active as you say and has been trying to lose weight and can't do, it means it's the meds she is on. So you should 100% never say that you have less sex because she gained weight. It will absolutely destroy her and no good can come of it. Stick to the fact that you are tired and try and "make up for it" by planning nice activities together (spa day or hiking or wine bar), just to prove that you love her still. If she tells you she is sad/frustrated by her weight loss not happening, then you can always tell her that she should check with her doc if something can be done with regards to her meds but do reassure her that she is beautiful (not "still beautiful" or "beautiful in spite of her weight") to you and you just want her happy.
As a person in recovery I can attest: knowing that the people you love support you, that's the glue that holds your life together in this existence.
Please DON’T do the “I’m concerned about your health” thing. Everyone knows what it really means and it won’t go over well.
Mmhh, but i WAS concerned about my wifes health when she got into adipositas territory. I think that is a legitimate concern? It realy is my main problem with her getting much weight since i love her very much and want to grow old with her.
It can be true but it’s not going to go over well. Telling someone they need to lose weight is kind of like telling them they have acne that they need to take care of. I am sure they are aware.
Not always ... I find my partner extremely hot and good looking. I have had the "health concern" talk with him. Then again, I started at first by asking whether or not that type of talk is something that he is comfortable with and helpful. He said yes and encouraged me to do it. So I told him my concerns, and he has asked me to remind him and push him on many separate occasions all on his own. But it's all about gauging very carefully if it's something they are ready for and comfortable with hearing from you.
Look if you’re already putting on this kind of weight in your late 20s and can extrapolate out a few years it’s definitely a huge concern for later in life.
He mentioned medication though, and some medications, especially steroids, can do a number on your weight. Obviously her doctors think the benefits of the medication to her health are worth the weight gain. And if not, THEY will tell her and hopefully look for a solution.
OP is a woman.
Oh yeah, I’ve been through the same thing with my wife. I’ve been married 20 years, and I can absolutely say that marriages and married sex-lives have an ebb and flow to them. Sometimes you’re hot and heavy, sometimes you’re more like friends and roommates, but if you love and respect each other, it always comes back around. I told my daughter just yesterday that the most important thing in marriage is making sure that you are compatible as roommates first, friends second, and everything else third, because the “everything else” part comes and goes overtime, but if you were compatible on the first two things, then you can weather that up and down flow.
As others have said, no ‘concern for your health’ thing. The real issue here seems to be less that your aren’t as attracted to her (as you have said sex isn’t that important to you) so much as she does not feel attractive to you and that she does not feel validated/loved because she was heavily relying on sexual interest from you to communicate that to her. A conversation around concern about her not feeling attractive to you that centres on what might make her feel more attractive could be helpful. Another could be a conversation around what things you do tell her/shoes her that you love her. How does she know? Guaranteed it is more than just sex. Focusing on that is a very helpful reminder. I was in a position similar to your partner previously, and going over the ways I know that my partner loves me was very helpful.
Embrace them when they are thick cause they keep you alive when you're sick.
Amen I couldn't have said any better!
I don't envy you. This is such a tough situation & the wrong move could make your relationship take a sharp left. You said she keeps bringing things up over & over. What are your thoughts on something like: "You've been bringing up our sex life a lot lately & mentioning your weight. I have noticed a difference too & realize I have been initiating things less. Would us cooking & working out together be something you want to do to get back to our old habits?" You know her best, so you know what may work & what won't. Maybe this will ¹make her feel like you're in it together & ²while working on some of her confidence that she seems to be struggling with lately. Sorry you're in this spot, OP. Good luck with things.
That actually sounds like a great way to bring it up and less like it’s just me noticing the weight gain. I really struggle with confrontation and wording things well
I just want to throw in here that you mentioned she is on new tablets. When I was taking a certain antidepressant it made me gain weight and I couldn't lose it no matter what I did.. Once my doctor switched my meds, the effort I put into working out actually showed and weirdly enough alleviated my depression a little lol
This was my first thought. Ik a lot of my past partners, and closer friends have mentioned meds, and such causing weight. May just be hard to lose soley because of that. I also thought "hmmm, op may be ace just doesn't know what that is" but then op mentioned dating an ace, so maybe its more demi.
After Covid medication and being more sedentary did this to me. I’m nearly back to ‘normal’ but my ex told me I was ‘too fat to f*ck’. Just so you know, you’re a good person and a good partner. I would have wanted honesty and help. Motivation. I think you can be kind and be honest here. I’d almost just say what you did in the post. Look for what can help motivate her, and maybe see if she can check into alternatives medication wise. Edit: Sleepy me screwed up genders
Not to be that girl but it’s two women my dude.
Will correct- also a girl my dude lol- but thanks for letting me know
This and maybe suggest getting both of your bloods done if you can afford it? Sometimes blood tests reveal little imbalances and hurdles that can easily be fixed which = more energy and motivation.
She's unhappy too and sounds like she wants to change too. Try learning and to focus on what her goals are. Focusing on what her goals are, will hopefully make her still feel comfortable and in control.
This is such a wonderful comment… you have a way with words my friend… ⬆️
Thanks, that's so kind. Sometimes I feel like I'm typing out my stream of consciousness & it probably makes zero sense to anyone reading it 😆😆
❤️
I wish I could upvote this comment 100 times
That's a very good summary of thoughts. Not only does OP know her best, OP's SO also knows herself probably very well/the best. This is a problem for the both of them, so it can only be resolved by both. Noone should have the "upper hand" or be forced into initiative here. OP is not the custodian, they are equals and should meet on eye-level.
This is a sensible answer
I dunno man, you’re married! I know you’re young and all, but marriages go through ups and downs. I personally think you should just give this one time… Someone’s body shape is not the only sexy thing about them. Focus on the other things that make her sexy for a while? Maybe explore some sexual activities that feel new and connective and exciting in the meantime.
I really wanted to just give it time, but she keeps probing and probing and I don’t know how long I can keep denying it. Thanks for your advice about trying new things, I can certainly give it a go. I did try to work round it by going and getting turned on by porn or whatever and then going through and initiating sex. But that felt really scummy and almost like cheating? I know it’s not the same thing but it didn’t make me feel like a great person
I think you should answer the question by offering her care and compassion. She needs her own love more than anything.. Maybe try something like: “You seem to be asking me that a lot babe, have you been feeling insecure lately? I’ll remind you of your beauty always, but until YOU love and connect with your body…you’ll likely always struggle to believe me and truly feel it. What can we do together to help heal your confidence?” Chances are she’s feelin’ a little off and needs gentle loving care more than complements anyway. 💖
This is the best response in this thread so far, in my opinion.
This is so good!
This is the right answer. She basically needs to know you love her regardless but are there to support her if she wants to change for herself.
There is no coming back from telling your partner you’re no longer attracted to her.
I think her asking means she already has an idea of what the answer is. Maybe you can start encouraging her to do more active things together and maybe start cooking healthy meals for her?
She does go to the gym quite frequently, I would invite her on runs but she doesn’t accept which is fair because she does have an old ankle injury which flairs up when she runs. I usually don’t have any interest in going to the gym but do you think asking her to help me get used to the gym and asking to go with her would be a good way to encourage more activity?
It’s the calories not the exercise. Meds make it harder to lose weight, which means she might have to eat around 1000 calories a day to lose weight, which is starving. Honestly this sounds so messed up. What are you going to do when she ages? What are you going to do when you age? Nothing you do will stop the 40 yr old spread. Men get it just like women. What if she gets sick, god forbid, or has an accident? Will you never be intimate w her again? I couldn’t imagine feeling like this towards my husband. When I look at him, I see him, not his wrinkles or his different weight placement from when he was 23. I think you need to talk to a therapist to find out why your attraction to someone you claim to love so much is this conditional, and maybe she can try something like wegovy if she’s feeling bad about herself bc of a few extra medication pounds. You’re already putting a condition on her this soon; your life together has just begun, couples counseling before it gets out of hand and you both resent each other. People wait until it’s too late to do couples counseling, don’t make that mistake, and still see your own therapist
Right? I'm really curious if it's a significant amount of weight or literally as little as 15-20 lbs! Though that's an assumption, I've just seen so many of these posts and it comes out the partner has gained the littlest most HUMAN amount of weight
She said in another comment it's around 70 lbs., if that helps. As someone struggling to lose a similar amount of post-covid weight who is also affected in that by medication, i sympethize with them both.
OP said it was around 70 pounds
She said in a comment it was 70 lbs
Yeah I can’t tell anymore if these are made up bc there’s been so many recently, and op said she isn’t fat, and she exercises, so it can’t be a significant amount. So creepy
Firstly, I’m not a man. I’m well aware how hard it is to be a woman struggling with body confidence issues. I do love my wife and that will never change, we are still intimate often, I just forget to initiate as much because I think of sex less. Once we get in to it, I get turned on and the sex is still great. I have never said my love is conditional, I will always love and support her. If she was happy with how she is I would happily continue on. But she is not happy and has made me aware of it. I still always call her beautiful and compliment her many times a day. Romantic and sexual attraction are different things, I still think she is beautiful and I love her deeply. But that “lust” feeling has faded and I have tried my hardest to get it back, but it is hard to make yourself feel something like that. I would never want her to go on a dangerous diet or cut out her medication. Sex isn’t a massive deal to me which is why I didn’t think this would be a massive issue, but she has been bringing it up.
You're falling into a pretty classic trap with that last paragraph. "It's not a big deal to me so I don't see why it should be for her". Your partner isn't you, and she's told you multiple times that it IS a big deal for her. It's time to accept that it is. Further, she isn't stupid, and your actions are speaking a lot louder than your words. If you're open to having more sex (and it sounds like you are, since you say you still enjoy it), it may be time to start putting reminders in your phone. Or make a mental note when she initiates, so you know its your turn in the next day or two (or week, whatever your frequency is). Identify the patterns that used to exist in your sex life, and try to implement them. Was it sex mainly before bed? In the mornings on the weekend? A quickie after lunch? You can also do things to turn yourself on more. It doesn't have to be porn, but I know when I'm wearing some sexy underwear and have my legs shaved, I'm more likely to be thinking about having sex later, even if I haven't seen my partner that day. Finally- please don't let your history with your friend keep you from being honest with your wife. The dissonance from your actions not matching your words is already messing with her head, it's why she keeps pressing. She wants to feel like she isn't crazy, that you ARE pulling away (because you are), and it isn't all in her head. Telling her she's beautiful and lying to her when she asks if it's because of her weight is doing damage, even if you don't want it to.
Thanks for your advice, it helps a lot. It may be hard to believe, but I’m not lying when I say she is beautiful, she is. For me, sexual attraction is different from beauty. We still have sex most nights of the week (at least 5 times a week) so I didn’t think the frequency had changed but I can for sure see how me initiating less could upset her. I will try to make a more conscious effort initiating sex, I think another commenter was right when they said I may be less aroused as she is less confident. Im deeply attracted to confident women so her being more insecure might have rubbed off. Which of course then starts a vicious circle of her being more insecure and so on.
Honestly, I fully believe you think she's beautiful. But that's not what she's looking for right now- think of it like a girl asking if you think they're pretty, and you respond with "you have great hair". Not a word a lie, she probably DOES have great hair, but everyone knows you're dodging the question (even if beauty and style are different for you). The insexurity is a really tough one, I feel you there. To an extent, you can't solve that for her- she needs to find confidence in herself. But the half truths won't help her do that. I wish you the best of luck
It’s a big enough deal that you posted here though and it kind of does feel like you are back tracking a little perhaps ??
I posted here so that I could get advise on how to reply the next time my wife brings it up. If she hadn’t raised the issue, I wouldn’t be here, I would be dealing with it myself
Idk, are you sure it’s the weight? Could it just be your libido? Have you had your hormone levels checked? Or shit this would probably be the perfect thing to take to a sex therapist. It really seems like something else is going on and the weight is the easiest assumption.
It could be my libido I suppose, I also had a change in my medication (my wife and I are regular visitors of our pharmacy) recently which may have changed more things than I realised. I am also attracted to confident women (one of the things that turned me on about her when we first met) so her being more insecure could have rubbed off on me
You keep looking for answers outside yourself. My advice would be to look inward. Honestly it seems like you're blaming your wife for you being less interested in sex. And yet here we learn you yourself are also on a medication which might be affecting your sex drive. Sheez.
I’ve you’ve read my replies you would see I am very open to looking at any personal issues I may have and have welcomed any insights to anything that could be effecting me
I don’t think it’s her weight that’s making you lose attraction, it sounds like to me, I think it’s her confidence that you were attracted to, now she’s feeling insecure and that change in her is making you feel this way. Lust fades too. I still think you’d both benefit from couples counseling just to talk things out. You seem to want to be 100% in so that’s great. The counseling couldn’t hurt bc at least you’ll both learn how to communicate exactly what it is you’re both feeling. Good luck to you both
It may be partly confidence, she used to have this “aura” that turned me on a lot. She would walk around naked and not really care, now she covers herself up more now that I think about it. I have dated people larger than her and had no sexual attraction problems, which is why I thought it was strange that this was an issue in the first place
I think couples therapy, especially for sex, might be helpful to help you figure it out more. This one is tough, and the confidence thing makes sense! Her constantly bringing it up might be part of the issue. For the lack of confidence, I mean. But the more I read, the more it doesn't feel like just a weight issue based on what you've said. Honestly, I have a very strict policy of do NOT ask me a question you don't want an honest answer to!! I liked the comment someone left about turning the focus back to her when she says something. The "you know you've been bringing this up a lot, why is your confidence lacking and how can I help." Type of thing. Therapy would help you figure it out and help her with body image. I really hope it all goes well!! It's obvious you love her a lot.
Good answer.
If she’s smart like you said, she’s going to figure it out. And then she’s going to get really angry with you. How about talking to a therapist about this. They can help you with how you approach this topic and figure out your feelings.
You answered your own question, turn the gym into a shared hobby and research nutrition. Use the excuse "oh babe should we have a competition to see who can get more shredded? Let's make meal plans and do meal prep together, we'll save money too" Idk disguise it somehow
I can definitely try to do things like this, I may need to turn it around so that she thinks she is doing this stuff to help ME
Idk this feels disingenuous and toeing the line of thinking she’s stupid and won’t see right through it. I think there’s a slight disconnect for you as well that you compartmentalize romantic attraction and lust. In my opinion lust is fickle and that’s where both need to be married because bodies change. Hopefully that makes sense.
She’s probing because she KNOWS. It’s obvious because of how you act around her and it’s making her insecure. She’s looking for reassurance.
What? That is scummy. They meant focus on the other things about HER that you're attracted to, not some porn actress jfc. May I ask how much weight has she gained? Was it a lot and in a short amount of time? Do you think it could be mental or thyroid related?
It was like 70 lbs, not enough to make her obese by any stretch of the imagination, but enough to substantially change the way her body looks and her facial features.
70 pounds in a couple of years is medication and diet, it ain’t caused by lack of exercise. And it sounds like she exercises some. Maybe you can improve the diet around the house or see if she can change the medication.
The problem with the diet around the house is that because we have slightly different work schedules, we only really eat one meal together. I do cook that one meal and try my best to make it as healthy as possible, but I dont really have much input in to her other food choices. Maybe I can ask her if she would be ok not having junk food in the house because it is tempting me? That may make it seem like she is helping me out so not feeling called out?
Speaking from experience: Adding 70lbs makes you work-out significantly less efficient and, generally, also much more painful. Just making it 'less fun' to go do workouts in the first place. In short, everything becomes much more of a pain and you have to force yourself against your will to do it. Not sure if you have the luxury of time for this, but long walks burns calories reasonably well, doesn't feel too much like a work-out and could be bonding time, if you're in a nice enough area.
70 pounds is a huge amount…like that’s a whole human being. From your post, I was assuming like 20 pounds lol. I understand your plight better now.
She was very slim to begin with to be fair to her, and if you saw her, you would get what I mean about how she doesn’t look too overweight. She has also been using weights machines so a fair amount of her weight gain has been muscle
Wait, so she is working out but building bulk basically? That's like a totally different criticism, especially if you're a runner
You should at least be worried about her health . This is all so superficial and shallow you know ??
I'm 48 and have been in relationships since I was a teenager. Nothing whatsoever about what the OP has said seems shallow or superficial. She's gone to great lengths to respect her partner's health and feelings. May we all be as fortunate as her partner.
I am deeply concerned about her health, which is why I don’t want her to do any dangerous fad diets or come off of her medication. She is the one voicing discomfort over her weight gain
She’s not stupid ! She has clearly picked up on your reaction to her weight gain, you aren’t fooling her.
Actually you are too by saying you’re not attracted to her. Wait til it’s your turn; when you get “fat” or your boobs sag or you get wrinkles or another unattractive thing bc life happens. Yikes.
I’ve never told her I’m not attracted to her to her face, all I say to her is how much I love her
Dude. Stop. She knows. You don’t have to say it. It will be all over your tone, your expressions, your body language. You came here, literally in the title you have lost attraction to her. She. Freaking. Knows. If I were you, I’d come clean because I promise you she knows that too, and it’s making her feel worse, which won’t pull weight off. But for God’s sake have better tact with her than you did here and say something like you know she’s been trying and she seems to be having trouble so let’s talk to a doctor to make sure everything is ok. Btw, certain meds will absolutely plop 75lbs on a woman. And it’s the biggest bitch to lose because no matter how much you work out, no matter how healthy you are, it won’t go away. Check in to that.
You’re telling all of Reddit that you’re not tho.
Ok? But she’s not on Reddit and it’s still not saying it to her face so you still don’t have a point
Be more convincing in your denials. Your reason of having low sex drive is totally plausible. It is technically true too. Sometimes a medication can totally derail weight loss. Maybe look into her hormonal health and make sure everything is in working order. The standard “eat less, exercise more” is outdated crap, along with the standard “Calories in calories out”. Hormones and the microbiome are the real keys to weight loss. Are the meds something she has to stay in long term?
The doctors don’t really know how long she will need to be on her meds. She has a complex condition that may improve, or may not
That is humiliating and I hope she never finds out.
Ok, I’m going to be honest as someone who’s going through the same thing, but I’m the wife. DON’T TELL HER. Keep your mouth shut. If she wasn’t trying, it would be a different story. But she is trying and medication is making it worse- if you tell her her insecurity is going to spiral and she’s going to be ten times more self conscious. KEEP LYING!!! I know it’s hard but she’s working on it. Just be patient a little longer. Work on diet and food, but don’t tell her. Lie to her. She’ll be so upset trust me on this. I know my husband isnt as attracted to me, and I’m working on it but I can’t do anything more than what I’m doing besides starve myself. So do not tell her. If she wasn’t trying it would be a different story, but she is. Wait it out give it some more time
Thanks for your input as someone on the other side. I really didn’t know what was the better way to go about this as, as a woman myself, I know how hard feeling self conscious can be and don’t want to add to that. But at the same time, I value honesty so much and constantly lying is making me feel like an asshole too
I’ve gained weight from meds for depression and if a partner told me they were less sexually attracted to me it would kill me. I have to choose between depression and my partner’s sexual attraction? (Keeping in mind I have tried many other medications.) If it’s medication-related, I agree, don’t say anything, and I think you need to monitor your own attitude with a sex therapist — you can go by yourself!
I would never ask her to give up her medication for me, her health is worth so much more to me than that. I am also never going to give her an ultimatum that she needs to lose weight or I will leave her. She will never have to choose between me and anything else.
Normally, I would say don’t lie. But realistically- is there actually anything she can physically do right now to change it? If there was, I’d say go for it. But if not- all it’s going to do is freak her out. She can’t control it. She’s working to fix it- but it takes time. If it had been a year or two and she wasn’t trying, talking to her would be right. And you have to live with her and yourself- so it’s your choice. This is just my thoughts. But personally, if she’s trying to fix it, just give it a little longer. She can probably tell you’re lying, and she knows, but she doesn’t REALLY want to know the truth. It won’t do anyone any good. If it persists being a problem in the future- ok, talk. But really really think hard before you open your mouth because you can’t take it back and it will probably make her worse mentally. Like I said though- this is how I’d feel. I don’t know her, so it could be different. Just my perspective. Good luck.
Do you think there is a nice way to suggest asking her doctor about her medication? I genuinely think that it has something to do with it as her weight did start going up again when her medication was switched
Maybe start a conversation about the medicine, or about if she’s having side effects from it? Ask her if she’s noticed anything, or maybe say you read an article or story about how that certain medication can have effects of making it harder to lose weight or any other potential side effects? Or if there’s anything else you’ve noticed about how it’s affected her and how maybe the medication is the cause? I don’t know why she’s taking it or what it’s for- but Google the medicine and see what people say about it and bring it up to her about how it’s affecting her. Or the next time she brings up not being happy about the her weight, bring up about her diet and the medicine. Like maybe these things are messing with your results. How you love her and are happy with her but if she’s not happy maybe she can change up what she eats or maybe it’s the medicine making it harder. This was hard lol. I know you’re in a difficult spot and I sympathize so much. I’m sorry I don’t have better advice.
FWIW, I was there, in your exact shoes a few years ago. It took a long time (5 years?) for things to turn around, but they finally did. My wife caught the health bug and figured out how to get healthy by herself. Much to /u/Bleacherblonde's point, I'm glad I never was brutally honest with her as I know that would just open a wound that could not be healed (even if everyone stayed healthy). I focused on the positive as much as I could, and made myself a role model in as much of a way as possible without being pressing about it. I asked to get her involved in cooking, asked her to go on runs, I gave up alcohol voluntarily. She never really dug into any of these ideas, but I think the constant positive rolemodelling played a big part in her finding her self-confidence and means. Good luck!
Thanks for your perspective! I am definitely trying my best to be as healthy as I can be, both with exercise and diet. I always ask if she wants to join in when I go exercising, but not everything I do she can do or wants to do. So I should maybe have been better in getting involved in her activities instead. I cut out alcohol 6 months ago, although that was actually my wife who convinced me to do that as she stopped drinking and thought it would be better for me (she was right)
Such terrible advice. She knows she's overweight, the reason she keeps asking is because OP is lying to her and she knows. It's condescending to lie to her over and over again. This is not helping her at all. Awful, awful advice.
I agree, I feel like you could simply mention your libido is slowing down and it's ok because it doesn't impact how much you love and want to be with her, reassure her and kill the thought that you might not want her anymore simply because you don't instigate sex as much in the nest
This. This comment. Its clear she is very insecure about her weight and does try to lose it. And medication just makes that really hard/nearly impossible right now. I think it might be best for both of you to try and focus on moving and eating healty in terms of what feels good on her body/mood (instead of: what looks good, because that mindset makes you mad at your body instead of appreciating it) and what makes her beautiful right now, regardless of size.
Honesty is always the best policy mfers when their wife cries because they told her she's fat
Holy advice. "Keep lying to your SO" Brilliant advice reddit, we did it again
So it makes more sense to tell her she’s not attracted anymore? What will that accomplish?
I see all the suggestions about helping her diet or eating healthier, and I do think that's great. Especially if she's already active at the gym diet is probably the number 1 thing that will help right now. But now for the harsh part - you should try and work on getting past this mentally. She might not lose the weight. That's just reality. Especially if it's caused by a much needed medicine. Over our lives our partners will change. They will gain and lose weight. They may become disabled or physically changed in ways we never expected. And if you truly love that partner, you will love them through the changes. If she is initiating 90% of the time, then you have already taken a fairly harsh stance on this and are borderline going dead bedroom with no explanation. You are kidding yourself if you think she doesn't know why. That is why she's fishing, because she knows you don't want sex with her anymore. You need to really think about how you can begin to move past this without changing her. Could you try flattering lingerie for her to wear? Maybe turn off lights for more flattering lighting? Try new acts that help make things more exciting or engage in non physical foreplay like watching porn together to help get mentally in the mood? If you truly can not feel any attraction to her while she's overweight, then maybe you should not be together. Not trying to jump to extremes, but honestly, your partner deserves more than this.
I think we are all too focused on looks in a way that damages us, even if it’s positive feedback. My partner used to constantly say something like, “have you lost weight?”, when I knew I had only put it on. I knew he was full of shit and it just made me feel worse. I think compliments should be about other things, like personality, achievements, humour, or for visual stuff, that colour suits you, but not about a person’s actual body or face all the time. If we put all of our worth into how we look, how we look is all we think about. Then if we’re unhappy with how we look, we are too sad to be motivated to look after ourselves. We look after ourselves more when we are feeling good. For me anyway. Even a walk in the morning can be a catalyst for being more conscious about what you’re eating for the rest of the day.
Thank you for your insight, whilst I do compliment the way she looks (and I do believe each one, she is still beautiful), I also compliment her other amazing attributes. Whenever she plays her piano, I compliment how she plays, I tell her how funny she is and how happy she makes me feel. I get what you mean about complimenting how people look drawing more attention to any insecurities they may have, but if I stop complimenting her looks will that not make her more worried I don’t think she looks good?
That’s true. Stopping completely would potentially make her feel like you don’t like how she looks anymore. I think maybe just slightly altering things would still work. Instead of a stock standard “you’re beautiful”, it could be a caress as you walk by, or a comment on her looking good in those jeans. The problem with the beautiful comment is that if she doesn’t feel beautiful, it might feel off and insincere. Not because you are insincere, but because she just doesn’t feel that way at the moment. Doesn’t mean you never say it of course, just maybe show love in a different way, instead of going straight to a compliment about her looks to try make her feel better.
I'm going to come at this from a different angle. Been married to my wife for coming up on 13 years. We've had two kids, years of stress and financial insecurity, and she's had mental health issues from past trauma that she has had to deal with. And she's put on weight. Due to the mental health issues, she hasn't been able to work on it like I know she wants to. She is still just as sexy and attractive to me as she always was. Because, at least for me, looking sexy/skinny/attractive, isn't everything. I'm attracted to WHO she is. She is caring, funny, brave, a fantastic mother, gives too much of herself to help people, and so many more things. All the things I love about her make her attractive to me.
Dear sir, I would give you an award if I knew how to.
I don’t think I worded things clearly. For me, romantic attraction and sexual attraction are two very different things. I have never not been romantically attracted to her, she is the best person I have ever met. I WISH I was still as sexually attracted to her as before, I have tried so hard to get back to that place because I do feel like an asshole, but it’s something that I can’t change. I have never been that sexual of a person so sexual attractiveness has never been a massive deal to me, but it’s clearly upsetting my wife
>I have never been that sexual of a person so sexual attractiveness has never been a massive deal to me, Maybe this is playing into your feelings? I don't think there is any way you can tell your wife that you don't find her sexually attractive without devastating her self-esteem. I wonder if it would be worthwhile for you to have a few sessions with a therapist to see if you can reframe how you look at sexual attraction? Or to talk out whether your sex drive is just reduced in general? Just an idea. Might be a dumb one, but it's all I could think of.
It might be worthwhile talking it through with someone. Another commenter brought up that if she is feeling self conscious then I may not just be less attracted to her because of her physical changes, but also to her being less confident about herself than before. That could be part of it too
The confidence part is a good point and if you’re looking for a way to talk with her about this when she brings it up without hurting her feelings, that might be a good focus. maybe you could just say you’ve noticed she hasn’t been as confident and comfortable with her body lately and you’ve been worried about her and it’s impacting your sex drive a bit but that you still think she’s the most beautiful person. Then you guys could talk about building her confidence through eating better, getting some more exercise in to help her feel better and your part will be encouragement, lots of compliments about her physical appearance and her as a person, and maybe planning some special dates to help her stay positive and motivated. I’d look into couples tantric exercises as well, they’re really great for rebuilding intimacy and connecting with each other without having sex
No, you're totally correct! I think it would help so much. The right therapist does wonders!
>The right therapist does wonders! They really do. You just have to find the right one.
I feel compelled to apologize to you myself for some reason, because people are projecting like hell on you. The physical, sexual attraction is a normal part of a relationship, even if it is eventually a thing that goes away as you get older. Your post was very tactful and nothing was wrong with it at all. Your love for your partner is quite obvious. I wish I had some good advice to give you! Maybe therapy would help your wife feel better about herself if there was a way to convince her to go without hurting her feelings?
It is probably my fault for not expressing myself as clearly as I could. It is upsetting people thinking I don’t love her, I love her more than I could ever express in a million years. I will support her no matter what, I am only bringing this up at all because she raised the issue in the first place. The last thing I want to do is split up over her gaining weight, as sex is genuinely the least important thing of our relationship to me by a landslide
Sex may not be the most important part of your relationship, but it may be important for her to feel connected to you. You may tell her that she’s beautiful every day but by not initiating sex as often, your actions are contradicting your words, and she probably feels intuitively that you’re not as sexually attracted to her. I would ask her what sex means for her in relationship, and if it is really important to her, I would try to initiate more.
Her post was absolutely wonderful. She loves loves her wife and is asking for help on how to love her wife even more and she’s being bashed for it.
That’s nice. But not everyone is that way, and talking about how you are that way isn’t going to change anything for them. I also detest the notion that this is somehow a morally or ethically superior way to feel.
Omg this🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤 I feel like this is definitely my husband as well!
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I would never blame her as there are lots of reasons why people gain weight. I wanted to just let it play out over time but she has started to bring it up. I always remind her how beautiful she is and try to support her as much as possible
You say she's not fat but that you're not attracted because of her weight. I don't understand.
I don’t know, I guess in my mind “fat” is when you are really over weight. She is more just chubby. I guess everyone classifies fat as different things
OP I am not saying this to bust your chops but can you explain how you find her beautiful but don’t find her as sexually attractive? Also, how much weight are we talking? you yourself said that she isn’t fat so I’m trying to understand these contradictions. Also, you need to tell her the truth. She already knows it and while less sex might be no big deal to you- it doesn’t mean she is satisfied with it. She is probably already hurting over this and racking her brain trying to understand what is going on.
Idk, it’s hard to explain, but I have always treated romantic and sexual attraction as different things. I’m gay, but I can certainly tell if a man is handsome without being sexually attracted to him. My romantic love and attraction has not changed at all. It’s hard to explain because I guess everyone experiences attraction differently. She gained 70lbs, she was very slim to start with and part of it is muscle, so doesn’t sound as bad is it is. She is also 5’8” so taller than average. Fat is also subjective to everyone, when I think of a “fat” person, I think of someone incredibly overweight, possible obese. So for me, she is not fat, but chubby. I guess some people might consider her fat depending on their definition
This is a tough one OP.. not sure of the diagnosis she has and the medication she takes can be a huge factor for weight gain.. so weight loss can be a lot slower and challenging. For someone who has experience who has several chronic health illnesses and work long hours. I am always on the go and eat low carb and my weight is at a good weight now. Still fluctuates depending on my medication dosage if I need an increase or just depending on my health. So I can understand that part. If you tell her you find her less sexually attractive, she will shut down, be embarrassed and probably start to hide her body in bigger clothes. She will also no longer want to have close intimate moments with you as she will be insecure about her body even when you tell her she is beautiful cause she won’t believe you. I know it’s not fair to you, but when your in committed relationship you take the good and the bad parts. You can try to cook healthier meals, as you stated she doesn’t cook well. Try incorporating fun active activities to get out more like hikes, start smalls hikes she is she can enjoy them and you have a dog so that will be ok. Maybe if your have a roller skating ring do that and have fun, or even salsa dancing or some type of dancing, paint ball, rock climbing. That way it incorporates exercise in a fun way you both can do together, see if that will help with her weight loss journey and maintain it, especially if she is on medications. Cause the extreme dieting and exercise can be dangerous and sometimes it can go that way as words may hurt the ones we love. Even when we don’t intend to with our purest intentions. Good luck.
The last thing I want is for her to risk her health to lose weight. I was never going to bring it up until she kept asking. I don’t mind the reduction in sex, her being happy and our emotional connection is worth so much more to me.
I totally understand. What you can try looking at curvy models in lingerie, you can view porn with with curvier females see if that helps ignite a little passion. If that’s ok and not and issue in your relationship. As some couples don’t like when there partners see porn and consider it cheating. Perhaps buy some nice lingerie pieces for your wife and see if that helps spice things up. You might end up enjoying those extra curves and the reality is her body might be this new normal and you have to make the decision to love every inch of her unconditionally or Have an honest conversation with her, especially if she is feeling that you are pulling back. If you end up telling her, make sure to get some counselling after depending on how things go. Good luck you both deserve love, happiness moving forward.
I can certainly try that, neither of us care if the other looks at porn, although I haven’t used it in awhile since our sex life left little time for me to “take things in to my own hands”. If this is our new normal then I’m going to do everything I can to make it work and make my wife feel as loved as she is
so i went on anti depressants and gained 60 lbs in 5 months. i just went off them and lost it all. meds can change bodies a lot. i’d reframe it as “i liked when we were both more active, we seemed happier and your mood and confidence was way better.” bodies are bound to change. be gentle about this
Reading some comments made me realise it is probably her confidence I miss more than anything. It was what turned me on so much about her when we first met.
And by the same token, when I came off my SSRI nothing happened. The weight has stuck around.
You don’t need couples therapy. Therapy isn’t needed for every problem. She probably knows she has gained weight and next time it comes up jusr be honest, just like in this post, and tell her you are willing to teach/show / support her in ways to lose and keep weight off m. Maybe she genuinely doesn’t realize how bad her diet is.
Thanks, as uncomfortable as it will be, I will be honest when she nexts brings it up. I am always willing to help her with her diet and exercise, I have noticed she eats more each day than she thinks she does. I just didn’t want to offer any help because then that would be me saying she wasn’t “trying hard enough” if that makes sense. I usually do all of the cooking for dinner as she doesn’t cook very well, so at least dinner is a healthy meal, but I can’t control everything she eats (nor do I want to!). I do feel like her medication is making it hard for her to lose weight as one of the side effects can be weight gain. That adds a whole other level to it as the weight gain could be due to something she can’t control
When she brings up her frustration about not losing weight, maybe you can suggest a doctor's visit, since her medication is likely exacerbating the problem? She may be a candidate for one of the Type II diabetes meds that are also used for weight loss. Trying and failing to lose weight over and over again is really demoralizing. A family member of mine lost almost 90lbs in the past year on Wegovy--literally the first time in his life he's been successful at weight loss. He seems so much happier. Just throwing it out there in case it might be helpful. (And you're not an AH--physical attraction is important in a relationship and your love for her is obvious--try not to be too hard on yourself.)
I will bring up the medication thing to her, it might make her feel better if she knows it is partly due to her medication. On the flip side I would be worried that knowing the medication is causing some of the problem would make her stop taking it. I’m not going to say her medical condition as it is not relevant but this medication is very important for her health. Either way, a visit to a doctor could offer her some more support so I will bring it up!
Medicine can be a bastard for weight gain. I started a lowish dose of an ssri for nerve pain and put on 20lbs, dropped the dose and then lost the weight again since my eating habits hadn't changed.
This is the way. Honestly as a woman we know. She keeps probing because she wants that validation you still find her beautiful. I hate liars, it’s one of my pet peeves but this one you lie about. You tell her that she is the most beautiful woman in the world to you. Then suggest the doctor because it absolutely can be hormones. She also might be struggling with depression and that’s why she can’t seem to stick to good habits. Then invite her when you go work out, the rest is up to her. For real dude don’t tell her you don’t find her sexy anymore. It will not help matters.
I lost 130 lb on Ozempic. I'm type 2 diabetic very mildly. Now this medication has been rated solely for weight loss so she can get it if she wants. But I am curious here about these questions that you are not answering even though many people have asked. How much does she weigh and how much does she need to lose? You need to take her to the doctor and talk about this medication that is making her gain weight. You haven't said what it is. Please answer these questions.
Honestly I relate so much to your wife and find myself in the same boat and it’s hard. She already knows and there’s really no sense in you telling her as it will only hurt her. But one thing that could help you refind her sexy again in the meantime is maybe helping her find an outfit she feels cute in now to help her confidence. Because a lack of confidence isn’t sexy and it’s possible you’ve been picking up on her feeling that way which isn’t helping either of you. I wonder if she were to feel more accepting of where she is while she continues to work on herself - just gain a break of confidence and self acceptance if that might make you both feel good. Some new lingerie and maybe a makeover and a dinner night out might be a spark you both to enjoying the now while you work on on improving for the future. Also she should talk to her doctor about the medication and weight gain as that could be a side effect and it’s possible there’s other medication out there that could do similar thing and not make the weight loss as hard.
I am confused. You say she’s the most beautiful woman in the world to you. You said she’s “not fat by any means.” You love her more every day. Yet you’re not sexually attracted to her. I don’t understand this. It seems contradictory. How much weight did she gain and how tall is she? There are medications that are awful when it comes to weight gain. Maybe she can switch to something else.
For me, sexual and romantic attraction are different things. I do love her more romantically every day and she is incredibly beautiful to me. I also think some men are attractive, but I am not sexually attracted to them. I think fat as an adjective is subjective, when I think of fat I think of someone incredibly overweight. She is more chubby I would say. She gained 70lbs and is about 5’8”. Not all of that is fat, she has gained muscle too.
Maybe I'm a piece of shit but honesty goes a long way 🤷
She already knows the answer, you lying compounds the issue. Most people gain weight as they age. Most people aren't as attractive as they age. AND she's on a medicine that promotes weight gain. What exactly did you expect? In case you haven't noticed, the world is still collapsing. But please, stay on this shallow sh!t regarding the woman who is supposedly your soulmate. Gtfo with that.
She married the wrong person if your ability to have sex with her is based on physical appearance, weight gain, or not. YOU married this woman, YOU VOWED to take care of her in sickness and in health, and here you are on Reddit asking us if her gaining weight should be a deal beaker essentially. You should seriously re-evaluate your relationship with her and ask yourself if you TRULY love her. If you do, you'll ask what's going on and if you can do anything to help. If she's happy the way she is, leave it be. As long as she doesn't become a danger to herself. Edit; I'm also aware OP stated that sex isn't a requirement. My point is, you shouldn't marry if you aren't prepared for the hard parts of marriage. I.e This post. Marriage isn't something that is easy, and you need to be prepared to ask the hard questions without needing 3rd Party assistance because you'll get options you'll not want to hear.
If my husband were "honest" about that to me, I would peace the fuck out. Sounds like a you problem.
Don’t say a word!!! Not a single word.
Believe me, I would have been happy to keep my lips sealed for eternity
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I’d love to hear the magic fix for losing 70 pounds. I’ve been meticulously counting calories and macros for four years and have GAINED more. Even my physicians have admitted they don’t get it. If medication, female hormone shifts, and the pandemic are involved, it’s unfair to automatically say 100% fixable.
I have may be a very easy solution. Just start initiating sex more often. Since you still love her, since you want to spend rest of your life with her, since you are not even thinking for a second to cheat on her, since you still find her attractive, then she is the only special person in your life and sex is the most enjoyable thing for man. If your wife wants it do it every day man! Some of us keep getting rejected by our wifes everyday. You are lucky to have such a wife who wants you more 😊
She can change, but she won’t ever unlearn your love is conditional. Rough times dont last forever, help her, don’t abandon her.
I would never abandon her, as I’ve mentioned. I also mentioned that I still love her and nothing will change that. I guess not as many people think about romantic and sexual desire as separate things like I do
Jeez what is up with people being less attracted to their partner after weight gain? In the end, you’ll still lose whether you tell her or not. If you actually loved her, you’d notice but it wouldn’t phase you unless she’s suddenly stuffing junk in her face, being lazy, and ofc, if her health is at stake. I can’t give a definitive answer because you won’t benefit from keeping it a secret and she’ll get upset if you bring it up. It’s an uncomfortable situation on both ends.
This is an awful comment. You can love someone and still lose attraction. God damn. Not everyone is demisexual.
Please don’t try to insinuate I don’t “actually” love my wife, I love her more than you’ll ever know. I would never divorce her over something as trivial as weight gain, and wouldn’t have even thought about brining it up if she hadn’t asked me first.
I've been there. Lie like a mother fu**** it doesn't matter what you say it won't change the way she feels. Try cinnamon it helps the body burn sugar, which is in everything. Start at 1,000 MG per day and go to 500 if she is ill take with a meal. Tell her it will help prevent type 2 diabetes which runs in YOUR family. See what I did. I love my wife, but she was getting up there. I wasn't unattractive to her, but I wasn't trying to rip her clothes off all the time. Be supportive, or it will only get harder and worse. It may still anyway.
I don’t think I would be able to lie to her about my families medical history, something like that probably would have come up in the 5 years we have been together. She has a PHD and is the smartest person I know, I don’t think I’ll be able to pull any fast ones over on her!
Maybe you should try a little introspection, some self reflection and get your lack of libido checked out before you but the blame on her. Bodies change. Yours as well as hers.
A person should never lie. Until they should. This is one of those times. You will wound her deeply, and she will never forget it. You say you married her for life, so remember that life has ups and downs. She could lose the weight and then you could injure yourself, gain weight, and have a problem losing it. This is just one of the downs. Encourage her, tell her you love her, and make an effort to initiate sex more often.
It doesn’t sound like exercise is the problem, like you stated, which leaves diet. If you both live together and you’re losing weight, does that mean you aren’t eating the same meals? Because if that’s the case, it sounds like an easy fix where you suggest meal prepping and cooking together, then going for a hike or walk with your dogs. You don’t have to count calories but keep a mental check on portion size and basic macros (higher protein for example). Good luck! - Someone who needs to take their own damn advice
We normally only eat dinner together as our work schedules are ever so slightly different. I cook that so it is usually healthy. Perhaps I could offer to start meal prepping breakfast and lunches to help her out. I love cooking so it would actually be quite fun for me
As someone who has gained weight from medication, it’s a brutal beast and I would be absolutely destroyed if my husband told me he didn’t find me attractive because of it. Thankfully he prefers curvy girls so welcomes the change.
Are U sure it's just about U being less physically attracted to her & not about ur own perceived attractiveness of urself now ur slimmer/fitter? When U were both fat did U feel this way? She is older & U mention medication possibly making her gain so she likely has an underlying medical issue that could be impacting both fitness & diet. Despite ur statements how much U love her, ur coming across shallow & conceited, especially given the medication/health issue. I would fully look into her medical issue & the medication to see what impacts they both have on weight & fitness and perhaps change exercise/diet/medication eg: I have hashimotos a thyroid condition that affects metabolism & makes me gain easily & lose slowly plus I high cortisol and high impact exercise makes it worse/harder on my body. Gentle exercise & lower carb diet helps but no great results.
I think you maybe need to stop lying to yourself here. You say that you dont find her fat or ugly but very specifically describe finding her overweight and less sexually attractive, eg fat and ugly. The problem is the words "fat" and "ugly" have insulting connotations, and you dance around that because you dont want to be insulting to your wife. Your wife has also crossed 30, which for whatever reason makes it so much goddamned harder to lose weight after a gain. So a couple of options: Option 1, suck it up and fuck your wife. Look in the bathroom mirror to work yourself up to it, salute yourself and do your duty. Option 2, Tell your wife how you really feel no couching shit in avoidance language. You may want to tell yourself how you really feel first. Say what you want to say into a voice recorder send that shit to a voice modulator and listen to it again in a week. How would you advise that stranger. Option 3, bring her skiing. She might have just gained more than she likes and is feeling the pain in trying to lose it, bring her on runs and skiing, fuck your wife after all hot sweaty and shit, make it a fun reward for the workout you guys had. Because right now shes saying she has to initiate all the time then its going to be she feels like you guys are just roommates then shes sexting some asshole she met online, and now you're single.
I don’t think that bringing it up directly is the best idea. But I think an approach of “hey, I’ve been thinking lately about how it would be fun and another way to bond if we start going for evening walks together”. Maybe even mention eating healthy together. This enforced the idea that y’all are in it together. I love the idea that you aren’t going to leave her, and see it only as an obstacle you have to overcome
Hi there! I hope this gets noticed. I (24f) have been the person that was told I gained weight and that's why they don't initiate sex anymore. And holy crap I can't get that out of my head and we broke up like 4 years ago or something. I've always been self conscious of my weight but that was a fucking blow to any self esteem I had left. They told me they loved me more than anything and that there was more to me than looks.. but she won't forget that/: I don't usually support lying in relationships, I think honest and open communication is huge. BUT. In this case, just keep making excuses I guess? Also to help yourself initiate, maybe really focus on parts of her that haven't changed that have put you in the mood before. I'm a dum romantic so things like their smile and eyes mean a lot to me. Maybe her smell or the way her skin feels. Her reactions to any touch you give at all. I won't dive more into it.. but focusing on other sensations and familiar parts of her might be helpful idk. I wish you two luck. Keep reassuring her and loving her♡ you two sound awesome and just posting about this shows that you want to take this seriously and carefully and that shows so much love. U got this! EDIT: I actually read the other comments some more and it sounds like maybe I'm just grossly self conscious tbh. You know her better than all of us combined haha. If you feel you can navigate an open convo with her about this, go for it! But I stand by the find familiar pieces and focus on other ways to experience the situation. Also saw someone say try to spice things up with new things and that sounds pretty solid.
Thanks for taking the time to give me your perspective. This is precisely what I was worried about, we both know she has a problem with her weight, and whenever she asks, I know nothing good can come from it because it’s a different thing to think about yourself one way than to then get it confirmed by someone else.
Don’t tell her what you’ve said here. Ever. It won’t help anything. Tell her you’re struggling with your libido and want to see a therapist about it. Then go see that therapist and ask them to help you figure out a way forward that doesn’t involve hurting her with words she will never forget.
To add to this, I was the woman who gained weight after having babies and my husband made it clear he wasn’t attracted to my body any more. His words played in my mind every time I looked in the mirror. The things he said to me caused my dysmorphia and self-loathing. Even after we had broken up, it took me years to not hear his words when I looked at myself. Took me about two years to let my now-husband touch my belly without flinching away. Don’t tell her.
You're in a thin line to mess up but thankfully you're fighting for it. You sound superficial in some parts and maybe your wife keeps on probing because your actions speak louder than words. That's not the assurance she needed. If you meet your wife in her state before that she's sexually attractive to you, will you still fall in love with her? If yes, then just fall in love again. Make her feel love not just through words. Make her feel that you're worried about her health more than her appearance. I think she's a sensitive person and once she feel your sincerity, everything will come naturally.
Maybe you can find a way to be sexually attracted to her for new things, not specifically her body shape. In my personal experience some objects, clothes, actions or music elecit sexual attraction. These objects can be sexual regardless of the person wearing it. For example, I find black leather gloves very sexual and it really doesn't matter that much who is wearing them. Or someone taking of their belt in a fluid motion. That person can be short, tall, fat, skinny, it is sexual to me. Íf you have some/could find some "major turn ons" like that and introduce them like a "spice up", or "wear this for me, cause I want you" type thing. You could find your mojo again?
Reading through the comments, it doesn't sound like the weight or your wife is the issue at all. You say you have had no issues being sexually attracted to women larger than her in the past, and that the weight gain is insignificant. Further, your wife sounds very active and your own medication has recently changed. This sounds like a lower than usual libido issue for you. Instead of all these games you're suggesting in this thread, try being honest with your wife that your libido is lower than usual. Tell her you're sorry for the way that has hurt her and any misunderstandings caused. Maybe you can both agree to work on that. This issue requires approaching it like an adult not an attempt to trick your wife into doing "what you want" (which turns out, from your comments, to be unlikely to solve the issue). Identifying the issue and approaching it as a team is crucial. It's also important to self-reflect and be sure to avoid projecting issues onto your partner. I think you both need the best of luck with this one.
If I was your partner and saw this post Id leave you. How romantic 🙄 nothing screams a good marriage like babe I love you romantically but sexually…eww. You are so full of contradictions in this post and your replies that Im inclined to say the issue isnt her weight, its you. Maybe you need to go to therapy or see a doctor, because if you claim you still love her, you still enjoy sex, shes not that “fat”, then what the F is the issue? It feels like you have your own issue going on that just happens to be at the same time shes gained weight, and you are zeroing in on that being the issue. She already knows you have changed and thats why shes fishing, so stop being dishonest and lying to your partner and face the consequences. She will be extremely hurt and yea, thatll be on you. Either she will want to work through it with you or the relationship is over, and you know that but you dont want to risk it, yet you are content with her self esteem dying because you never initiate. Jfc stop stalling, this is worse than the dudes who post about this 24/7, at least they own it.
I think the fact that you're in the best shape of your life while your wife is battling has also affected her self esteem. The advice about gently steering towards better choices and stuff is great but I also think she needs a confidence boost. Do you compliment her about how well she's currently doing? It's a motivation killer doing all the things and not getting the results you want, especially when your partner is. I think she definitely knows something's up or she wouldn't be asking about it so much. But it's because she's insecure... .Making that worse won't solve anything. I do think it's easy to assume your low libido/ lack of initiating is due to her weight gain but it honestly might be you, and not her. Worth figuring out through therapy etc.
I compliment her as much as I can, I always tell her I’m proud of her when she comes back from the gym and lets me know about her workouts. I call her beautiful all the time and still kiss and touch her very frequently throughout the day
Welcome to aging. If you're unable to anchor your desire for physical intimacy with your wife (with whom you claim to be deeply in love) in something deeper than superficial qualities (like weight), you're in for a rough 40-60 years. Work on intimacy, and focus on all the very attractive qualities you wife possess which makes you love her. And for God's sake initiate sex. You're driving her insecurities with your standoffishness. Find a way to communicate better, because lying to her and making excuses about why you've stopped initiating is definitely not going to help your relationship remain strong and stable.
Soft YTA because you should be sexually attracted to the person your wife is. Not a hard one because you still love her and aren't going to throw your marriage away for this. Are there things your wife could do besides losing weight to reignite that physical spark? Are there other ways for you to get in the mood and want to initiate? This might be worth seeing a therapist for, even if just one on one to start, maybe later a couple's therapist. Especially since you expressed concern your wife not develop an eating disorder. You can tell this is already affecting your wife's self esteem. If you stay silent and don't try to make changes, then that will keep happening.
I note that you said once you get into sex, you enjoy it. I also note that you said you have no intentions of leaving her over this. It’s worth examining what this means….your relationship is solid, and the issue seems to be what the weight gain represents. Our culture has told us that fat people are lazy, disgusting and unmotivated. That if they cared about themselves they would just follow a diet and *not* be fat anymore. Weight loss is incredibly difficult and often not sustainable in the long-term. And for women, it’s additionally complicated by the dozens of hormones that are firing off at all times. And if she is taking medication that causes weight gain, some of this is out of her control. Further to that, people who are together for a long period of time are going to see their bodies and their partner’s bodies change, sometimes dramatically. Illness, disability, aging and weight gain are a natural part of the human experience. Maybe a therapist could help give you tools to open up a conversation with your wife in a productive way.
I was your wife in this situation. I was put on a medication for pain relief (I have EDS which is maddeningly painful) and it was transformative to experience life without pain for the first time. I could finally lift and care for my toddler and sit in a library long enough to study and pass my exams. Every aspect of life became better and easier. Unfortunately it also made me gain around 15kg. No matter what I did, how I overexercised and how I starved myself, my weight stayed the same. I tried as hard as I could to overcome my internalized fat phobia but ultimately caved in and went through a grueling withdrawal from the meds 2 years later. I lost the first 12kg within 2 months. I now manage my pain with opioids which is a sub-par solution. It is really sad that a few kgs can have such an impact on a relationship. Weight gain from medication is ruthless because the world we live in is so fatphobic and superficial that when you make a decision in the best interest of your health, you get punished for it every day. My husband never said anything outright about my weight, but he became much colder and more clinical during sex and generally wasn't as nice or romantic towards me. That in itself was a big shocker for me because I have a history of bulimia in adolescence and if I'd known he was that shallow in advance, I never would have married him. I ultimately chose inferior health because I didn't want to deal with the social/emotional fallout from weight gain anymore. I understand that we all have our tastes and our types, but to me that seems more relevant when swiping through profiles on a dating app than when dealing with the love of your life. How deep can your love actually be if some extra kilos are enough for you to want her less? She's still the same person. I know not everyone is like this, but I can't wrap my head around the concept of loving someone romantically and not wanting to tear their clothes off. My ex boyfriend became overweight over the 3 years we were together and I never wanted him less. My husband was buff when I met him and became very thin and weak over the first 8 years of our relationship; this also never impacted my attraction to him. Love and sex are inextricably linked for me so when I love someone, they become my type. I'm turned on by them because of who they are, their mannerisms, the way they smile, and what they mean to me. It's possible to change/broaden your idea of what a sexually attractive person looks like. Nothing is fixed. If you don't want to put pressure on your wife and ultimately trigger her to abandon her medication (which she very well may), it would be worth trying to solve the problem inside yourself first. When I was trying to make peace with my medically-induced weight gain I started following some gorgeous plus-sized models (Audrey Littie; Marquita Pring; Ashley Graham) and it helped me to break free from narrower beauty standards. I now see a lot more beauty around me than I used to. Maybe you can too. PS: if her weight gain is even partly medical, it wouldn't be right for you to prompt her to lose weight from a place of 'concern for her health.' The weight gain is a direct consequence of her doing something that is in the best interest of her health. Please keep this in mind before you say anything that could hurt her.
Just be honest. She's your wife, if you can't be honest with your wife, who can you be? Truth hurts but it's honest and wouldn't you want your wife to tell you if you were doing something she didn't like?
I don't get it to be honest. I'm a woman too and I'm not in the least bit "visual". I thought most women were like me, that you don't need to be "visually turned on", that sex is an emotional connection, and the appearance of the person isn't a factor. I kind of find it weird that you objectify your wife's body. You love her, people change, she's trying to lose weight, I really don't see why you would bring your "sexual attraction" into this. She's already trying to lose weight because she's uncomfortable with the way she sees herself. There's really no point in making her feel bad.
Are you familiar with responsive vs spontaneous desire? It’s entirely possibly that your desire is responsive. And previously, your partners body could trigger that responsive desire. However, the change in weight(along with what I’m guessing is a drop in confidence which can be an even bigger factor than change in shape) might no longer trigger that responsive desire. I’d go for discussing what types of things turn you both on and each of you try to do those things for one another at intervals you both find satisfying. Hell, it might boost her confidence and make her more attractive to you again.
Don’t say anything. It’s only gonna hurt her feelings. You really think she’s gonna lose weight cause you made her feel bad. She’ll probably get bigger out of resentment. It’s your wife! You should tell her she’s beautiful, so she feels good about herself
Just be honest with her this is a personal preference it’s not a bad thing to have sexual attraction to something you like having a heart to heart with her is the best course be gentle and encourage her with small goals tell her that she isn’t ugly and fat it’s just that you like her being healthy and wouldn’t want her to get underlying health problems as she gets older
I love how some redditors were instantly triggered in the comments because they assumed you were a man lol. These posts always get such a strong reaction and they instantly assumed you were some ungrateful, whiney husband to the point that they didn't even read the first sentence properly that clearly says you're both female.
Yeah, it sucks, but you can’t make people learn to read better lol. I am so grateful for everything my wife does for me and I love her more than I could ever express. If she was happy with how she looked then I wouldn’t ever bring it up as her happiness is what matters most to me. This is only an issue because she is not happy with how she looks and is very self conscious. I feel like nothing I say will make her feel better and will only make things worse for her. As a woman who has also struggled with being overweight, I know how hard this is for my wife, I just don’t know how to be the best support I can be for her right now
You say she gained weight. You say it is probably somewhat beyond her control because of medication and health issues. You say she works out, swims, and lifts weights. You say she goes to the gym multiple days per week. You say she wants to lose weight and you see that she is actively trying. What is the purpose of telling her? What could the positive outcome be from saying, “Hey, I know you got fat and you know you got fat and we both know there isn’t anything more you can do than what you are already doing but I want you to know that on top of you being uncomfortable in your body I don’t find you sexually attractive.“ I just don’t see any good coming out of this. People lose hair, gain weight, have surgeries that leave scars, get stretch marks, all sorts of things. If she is trying and there isn’t much more she can do other than starve herself, then keep it to yourself. You may not be willing to divorce her, but if she feels insecure, ugly, and self conscious every time she is with you she may have a different view of divorce.
Whatever you do, DON'T put her on the spot and tell her you find her less attractive. It could end your relationship. She needs your support. If you love her as much as you say you do, have compassion for her. Marriage means in sickness and in health, remember?
I’ve been avoiding saying it to her precisely because I don’t want to put her on the spot and upset her. I would have been happy just going on like I have but she keeps bringing it up and I don’t know how much longer I can keep lying. I adore her and would never divorce her over this, I have never had a connection this strong with any other person and wouldn’t trade that for sex (we are still having regular sex, I just don’t initiate as much). Sex has never been that important to me in a relationship, I like it but I’d much rather be with someone I can laugh and chat with.
Op put yourself in her shoes… imagine she wrote something like this about you on reddit and she was feeling less attracted to you by your weight gain… that would hurt and you know it …. she is obviously having a hard time with things and all you can think about is im less sexually attracted to her … You’re being extremely selfish and insensitive making this all about you… you said she is trying to get back on track well at least she is giving it a go and completely not giving up … and as for her weight not coming off fast enough for you … everyone is different and don’t have the same metabolism.. you’re very lucky your wife isn’t sick or have major health issues god forbid… you wouldn’t worry about her weight gain then .. stop being selfish and immature… help her if you can … be understanding , she might be going through something she is not telling you about and for fuck sake be patient with her
I wanted to be patient, I have waited a year whilst saying nothing and wanted to continue that way. She has been bringing it up constantly so I wanted to know if people thought I should be honest or not
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If you didn’t learn this in school, two women can be married. I am also a woman, so I am well aware of how hard it can be to lose weight as a woman. Romantic and sexual attraction are different for me, I am still incredibly romantically attracted to her. For me, romantic attraction is the mental side of things, sexual is for the physical side. Her physical appearance has changed so it makes sense that the physical attraction part has changed too
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😂😂
So 5 OP is OK because she is a woman saying this about her wife in a gay relationship? But if OP were a man it wouldn't be ok?
since leaving is off the table, you need to lie to her and take one for the team more often.
Don’t tell her anything about her weight. That will make her feel like shit. You do need to make an effort to initiate sex more often. Were you planning to give up sex when you get old and out of shape? The love you feel for the person needs to turn you on. Your brain and what you focus on will turn you on or turn you off. Quit focusing on her weight. Focus on the arch of her foot, her perfume, the nape of her neck, her breasts, how good it feels to slide inside of her, showing her your love, If you don’t, you run the risk that she’ll leave you.
She complains about her weight? I put about 20lbs from the start of the pandemic. My problem is my lifestyle now, working from home I’m just way more sedentary. I started semaglutide about two weeks ago and I’m down 6lbs. I tried every diet prior but really struggled. Not sure her stance on that kind of thing but it could help maybe. It’s literally taken away the struggle, there’s no stress to it or frustration. I swear it’s my giving my boyfriend back the girl he met, my attitude, confidence, waistline, sex drive, all of it. You could just tell her you overheard a conversation about it or something. Just a thought 🙂
Best thing you can do is realize body’s change and they may never go back to honeymoon mode again. I would approach it saying that we need to be healthier together and walk down that path with each other. Don’t approach it as an attractive thing approaching the situation from a health and wellness situation will give better results.