Also, she didn't even have the forethought to actually mention the child at any point before entering a situation where she knew the child would be present.
Not even a "by the way I have a kid and she lives with my parents, just be cool" on the drive over/while they walked up the driveway. She just fully walked OP into it blind.
That's a deal breaking amount of stupidity for me.
I would never want to date someone if it meant having to spend all day at work wondering if I would come home to find that they had traded their car to a stranger for a bunch of magic beans, or taken all the money out of our joint account to "invest" in their friend's MLM.
Ideally yes, but there were still at least a dozen other opportunities to discuss it after that point that would have still been better than just bringing him to a party where the truth couldn’t possibly not come out and hoping he’d be cool with it.
They were only together for 4 months before they moved in together. Doesn't strike me as a relationship where the big stuff is discussed in depth before making any decisions.
Agreed. Having a kid isn't a deal breaker for everyone, but hiding that fact until it gets dropped on your partner like a bomb definitely is. And if she's hiding something as big as having a kid she hasn't seen in months or even contacted in months, what other giant secrets is she hiding? OP definitely isn't in the wrong here for noping the fuck out of there.
To be fair I hid my child from my current partner too in the beggining of our relationship. I could totally understand why she would do it. Where I live, single mothers are often targetted by predators to have easy acces to their children. I wanted to avoid that risk, so I lied about having a child. When I was feeling more safe about his intentions, I told him the truth, explained why I lied and told him I would totally understand if he wanted to end the relationship. But abandonning her child for 2 months to be with a guy is unnacceptable.
Unpopular opinion, I don’t think it’s reasonable. If a child is an actual part of your life (and tbh even if it isn’t) you need to disclose that shit to future partners. So maybe I’m a dick for saying this, but if you live in an area that is somehow KNOWN for child predators (?????) maybe you shouldn’t be dating till your kid is older or till you move
Child predators are everywhere. I don’t think it should be hidden for a long time, but definitely reasonable to not put on a dating profile and not mention being a mother for the first few dates to weed out men with bad intentions.
Single mothers also get lonely or want to find love. Also most predators are never charged so it does not matter if the area is known for having them or not, they are everywhere
After 6 months and also living with oop? That is beyond acceptable. They weren't just dating they were cohabitating and that's something to know beforehand especially if the ex expected oop to allow the kid to move in at some point
I’d been dating a man seriously for over a year. I’m from the US and he’s from another country, so we were long distance but visited one another frequently. Once I was visiting him in his country and we were walking down the street hand-in-hand when a young woman came up behind us calling his name (in their language). She was demanding to know where the money was for milk for their son, he’d promised it weeks ago, etc. He had never told me he had kids (turns out he had two). I was so shocked that I actually started laughing and almost peed my pants with laughter. I flew home that night. Once I got my flight arranged and was alone in the terminal, I was inconsolable. A flight attendant saw how distraught I was, bumped me up to first class, and fed me warm cashews and white wine the entire flight. I got pretty drunk, which admittedly helped me feel better (not my usual salve). I’ve never forgotten that flight attendant’s kindness.
No, he wasn’t. In retrospect, I think the issue was that he’d been very traumatized by his family of origin, partly because he was born in the midst of a brutal, decade-long civil war in which several of his family members had been killed. His culture is also known to be very permissive about openly treating women as subordinates; thus, he didn’t seem to understand (at a deep level) how hiding his children from me could be seen as problematic.
Uhhhhhhjjjjjjjjjjj did ya date my ex boyfriend? Soccer player? French Algerian? Have some really good OLIVE oil?? Cooks like a dream? Bullets still in his leg because his grandmother told him not to tell his mother so he would t have to leave the country and just wrapped it up in gauze? Played the 12 string mandolin in naughty clubs growing up allegedly? Ya ever check his ID and verify his real name? Check for his court history? See a restraining order? See any type of anything in Turkey? Any islands? Alleged “consular restraining order?” Goes to “Europe” in the summer? Wealthy but lives cheap? Big curly hair? Goes a little insane-o years after you broke up and threatens to find you again and kidnap you from your husband? Does a lot of TESTS of your love and loyalty? Anyways he sounds like utter bullshit, my ex or not but congrats on your escape, messed up as it might have been he’s uhhhhhhh liar for real.
From what I can take from your story, he was probably from El Salvador (decade long civil war). I live in El Salvador and NO, our culture is NOT permissive of treating women as subordinates, there are very strict laws that prohibit such actions, not to mention it is heavily frowned upon as it is plain unfair. That being said it's more common to find such behavior in people(yes men and women) that live or were raised outside the cities and were raised as teenagers during the 80's. My perspective is he was just a liar, that attempted to hide from his responsability.
I was crying watching the ending of the best marigold hotel on a flight (flying solo) the flight attendant thought I was really distraught and asked me what would help me feel better. She plyed me with the little bottles of sparkling. Complete legend. (I didn’t tell her it was because of the movie)
Heck that’s not even fair to the goose to be compared to this one! She’s nuttier than a squirrel… ah damn I did the same thing as you and offended squirrels out there lol. For real though I really want to know what exactly she was saying when pleading because I do not know any “normal” or even egotistical human being that would use the words, or something similar to, please I promise I’ll call my daughter more and look after her well-being better. That is just utterly unacceptable, unbelievable and disgusting behavior for anyone let alone a mother. That little girls sounds like she’s in at least a good place and she should be, she ought to be as far away from that monstrosity of a parent as possible.
Did anyone else think of that movie I think was called "Flowers in the Attic" where the mother and grandmother locked her 4 kids in the attic of a big old english manor. When the mother was getting remarried the grandmother tried to poison them and actually killed the youngest.
The hiding of the daughter made me think of this.
True! Also, she never told OP that she had a daughter for 6 months (the whole length of there relationship)! Who would want to be with someone who hids a kid, don't talk to or see them in 2 months and think that's OK. I don't blame OP for a second to do what he did, I wouldn't be able to pretend and play nice in front of people when I get hit with 2 bombshells like that! NTA
Having children is fine and i can even come up with good reasons to keep their existence secret for a while.
Can't come up with any reason to ignore the kid. At least not with reasons i would accept.
I love your energy, but please don't donate at the register for big companies, they just use your donation as a tax write-off for themselves.
Donations directly to charities are much more effective!
While I was browsing in the aisles, I saw someone coming my way. I immediately moved my cart out of the way without them needing to ask. I also gave them a slight smile and a little nod.
You know what I like most about this? It's such a small thing that anyone can (and should) do.
I'm not trying to diminish it by calling it small, more so trying to point out that plenty of good deeds are easily achievable, they're not always this grand gesture. I think people forget that sometimes.
I went shopping today and someone stared me down when their trolley (cart) was clearly in my way and blocking the whole aisle so I thank you for not being like that knobhead
Even if she had her young and gave up parental rights to a relative, there’s no excuse, as an adult, not to at least keep in touch. Equally inexcusable is moving in with you without disclosing this or giving you some sort of heads up. Not somebody you could trust if you tried to build a life together.
1) She's clearly got zero interest in the child's life. Since the child is still in her orbit, and knows she's her mother, this will really affect the child. Even more as she gets older.
2) She took the guy to meet the fam knowing she was going to spring a whole 10 year old child on him and didn't think to give any kind of heads up. I mean, seriously? She clearly doesn't consider the child to be a big deal which is...interesting. Mom is either immature, completely self-centered, deluded or all three.
3) Her willingness to be a decent parent is contingent on whether she is trying to impress a new man or not. Wow. Just wow.
Conclusion: She a real piece of work. Run.
I'd only hear from my mother, maybe once a year, for most of my childhood. When she'd actually visit. Considering she had better things to do, I usually didn't have to put up with her too much when she was around. Unless she decided she actually wanted a say in something and threw around, "I'm your mother" bs.
I've been NC with her for years, and she can't figure out why. The more I read about it, the more I'm convinced she's a narcissistic sociopath.
Don’t move someone in after only 4 months!! That’s a stranger your still getting to know. In this case you learned that she has a whole ass child you didn’t know about.
For your own self preservation be more selective and pace your relationships my dude.
This! And what the heck does she mean by “I’ll change”? So she’ll suddenly become an attentive, involved parent so long as you don’t dump her and kick her out?
You did the right thing. If she doesn't care about a child she has already, what does that say about future children? She's got other people taking care of her kid, and raising her kid, while she does what?
Did the discussion of having kids not come up in the time you two were dating? It’s so crazy to me that this hadn’t come up especially after moving in together. It’s like she erased her entire child.
If she could hide and lie about something as big as having a child (even if she wasn’t the primary caretaker), I wouldn’t be able to trust her and who knows what else she could lie and hide about in the future? NTA.
Yeah I think not *introducing* them for a while is fine but I don't think keeping it a secret like that is ok unless you are afraid of sexual predators only wanting you for your kid or something
My wife told me within 5 minutes of our meeting that she had three kids and if that was a problem for me it was a dealbreaker. We've been married 17 years now and our youngest is about to turn 18.
He would have been totally justified if the main reason was that she hid a kid. If I’m in a 6 month relationship and you move in and then you spring that you have a child on me, even if I like kids I’m out.
Absolutely NTA, you waited for the girl to be out, and then explained yourself. You were even nice enough to take her and her stuff back to her parents.
What did her parents say about the whole situation? I mean she's 27 not 17, why would she even think it's a good idea to park her child with her parents to go off gallivanting with a new partner? And when would she had told you about the child?
Nah, you are absolutely in the right.
Nope. To me nice guy is a reference to doing "nice things" but doesn't say anything about why they are doing those nice things. "Good guy" speaks to who they are inside and what motivates them to do nice things.
I am the little girl, in my mid 30s now. I think every day of calling my BIO moms current husband and to ask him how he feels about his abandoning wife and if he ever knew the true story of her 3 illegitimate children she stuck in the foster system as babies. Just to make sure him and his adult children are not too eager on being her make-up family. Ruin her public appearance.
I try to be the bigger person in reality, but I can do and say whatever I please in my fantasies.
I don't feel like it would be completely out of pocket to do it, but it's all a matter of when and why. I do like a good bit of long cold revenge for these types of betrayals but I tend to wait until it's either self-defense or defense of others. At that point, it's time to go surgical
I think the real problem here is that this man is 31 thinking dating for 4 months is enough time to know someone well enough to move in together. Don’t get me wrong, the rest of it is a huge problem too, but let’s call a spade a spade.
Hate people like her who think its ok to abandon there kids just to seek out a relationship with some one. as for her she should be reported and have her parental rights taken away
>her pleading the entire time and promising she would change
So if she were to change the only reason would be for you? Not for the little girl she gave birth to? The one she didn't even bother to mention to you?
>I wasn't asking AITA for breaking up with her. I wanted to know AITA for how i did it.
I bet her family probably said "I told you so" and judge her quite harshly for how she treats her child. Could you have waited until later? Sure. But I get why you did it on the spot.
It's the casual way she used the child she doesn't care about as a bargaining chip. Like, screw the kid, I'll be nicer to her as long as my guy is around. I assume that means if they break up she'll dump the kid again.
>I assume that means if they break up she'll dump the kid again.
That's exactly what it sounds like to me.
Bet you her family has said the same thing to her regarding how she treats her child. It's not until her boyfriend says, "Ooooh, you trifling. I can't be with trifling women", that she suddenly she wants to do better.
Girl, that makes you sound even worse.
It wasn't an ideal environment but it was an appropriate and honest reaction. Your gf lied to you and frankly, set you up to be surprised. She probably thought if you met the parents and daughter, you would have no choice but to accept it. She is 100% the AH. She orchestrated this interaction and she is now suffering the consequences of her actions.
I asked her that on the drive home and she just couldn't explain it.
But I'm not sure if she couldn't or didn't want to because it would make her look even worse.
I have no words… I can’t imagine disappearing from my kids life without a word. You’re a stand-up guy to have that standard for your partner. And it’s absolutely worth breaking up over. Hopefully she takes being a parent more seriously going forward. She should really focus on that
No one is “owed” a relationship. I don’t understand what further conversation there was to be had. She had time on the drive home and while she was packing up her stuff to reveal her reasons for her behavior.
Whether or not you’re the one with custody of the child, it’s not something that should be hidden from an SO. The better approach is to be upfront about it and let those who aren’t cool with it move on.
It reminds me of the time the brother was dating the lady who said she had a kid. Turns out she had 4. I was like when were you planning to mention the rest of them? I guess she wanted him to fall in love with her first so he wouldn’t back out at her big reveal.
I can‘t wrap my head around the fact that she didn‘t even reveal her secret when she invited her boyfriend to meet her family. How did she expect this to go down?
It’s not OP’s fault for the breakup happening in front of her family. NTA
She didn't care enough to see her daughter in so long.
She didn't care enough to tell you that she had a daughter in the first place.
I wouldn't care enough how/when/where I broke up with her.
Okay so she had a kid at 17 ?
What if her parents forced her to keep the child and promised to care for her as their own ?
So the kid technically calls her mom "mom", but is actually raised by her grandparents as their kid ?
NTA for many people having kids is a dealbreaker. She needed to be upfront from the beginning. The fact that she chose to lie for months and move in with you is a huge betrayal. She thought she could emotionally blackmail/bully you into just accepting it because there was a child present. It’s sad that she would prioritize getting some strange over the welfare of her daughter.
NTA, not for dumping her like you did, glad you waited for the kid to leave the room though. And not for dumping her period. I couldn’t be with someone who is not an active part of their child’s life either.
Nta, if you had said this in front of the kid it would be bad, but it's not like the patents aren't aware of how the ex gf ignores her child. Honestly someone should have said it sooner imo
NTA- only thing I have to say really is that if she has a 10 year old at 27 she got pregnant at maybe 15 or 16 it’s most likely that her parents did the majority of the raising and are probably the Mother and Father figures more than your ex. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying it’s right but I can understand or see the dynamics or difference in the relationship due to the circumstances. And if the daughter and family are cool with it who is to judge. But I wouldn’t say you are an asshole for breaking up with her at that time. That’s a lot to process. It’s hard enough meeting a gfs family for the first time sometimes.
NTA. I am a parent myself. If I started dating somebody and found out that they had a SECRET child that they never told me about? FUCK NO. NTA in any regard.
I read the title of your post and I soooo wanted you to be the AH. I wanted to tell you that these matters need to be dealt with privately.
But nope! You definitely are NTA! Her family needed to see a good man walk straight out of her life!
I wish more guys like you existed.
My child's BIO left us when he was two, she moved halfway across the country to raise some random guy's kid and have another by him haha...Crazy world.
NTA I'm sure her parents were happy that someone told her about herself, seeing as they're the ones raising their own grandchild while she does whatever she wants
Why are you moving in with someone after four months? It takes time to get to know someone. Had you waited, you would have found out she had a daughter.
No, you weren't together long enough to have been inappropriate. You did the right thing.
6 months together (2 months living together) and she never mentioned she had a daughter. Yea there is no reason to not just end it immediately and nope out of there. Why waste even a minute more of your time after that.
Why does her daughter live with her parents? Have to wonder about her parents opinion of her at this point too.
It’s a bad enough that she didn’t tell you then sprung it on you out of no where , but your right it’s a huge red flag that she seemingly abandoned her child for a guy she’s known for half a year.
NTA.
She's got a child you don't know of.
She didn't contact that child in 2 months.
What was she thinking ? Is she thinking ?
What was the plan ? make a big reveal assuming you'd say & do nothing because the whole family's here ?
Madness...
YTA. Not for breaking up. Not for the way you broke up. But for having her move in right after your first date! Not exactly that quick….but….damn that was fast.
NTA ay woman who can ignore their own child is not the kind of woman you want in your life. If she can do that to her own child she can do a whole lot worse to others around her. Add in the fact you dated her for 6months and even had her move in with you and not 1 mention of her child sends up red flags all over the place.
Yeah having a kid is definitely something that should come up early, including what the parenting arrangement for said kid is. It doesn't really matter at this point where the breakup happened tbh, it could even be a good wake-up call that hiding a child from a partner is not a good move.
NTA. Her family is clearly aware (perhaps even agreed to?) the circumstances of the mother/child relationship here. So it's not like you outed any big secret in front of her family, other than the fact that surprise!, many of us don't have an ounce of respect for those who leave their child behind and will not tolerate adults who do so. Good for you, sir.
NTA. You didn't make a scene and you weren't aggressive. Just very straightforward in why. You could have asked about the situation before you made that decision, but at the same time you went with your gut. But as for the HOW you did it, definitely NTA.
Nope, definitely NTA. You obviously felt that strongly (rightfully so!!) about not being told she had a child and the fact that she’s an absent parent! Luoyang had every right to break up with her on the spot.
Just a side note: I think moving in together so quickly was a bad idea too. Clearly the two of you really didn’t even know each other
NTA she should’ve told you she had a kid. I don’t blame you for doing what you did. You did the best you could under the circumstances. Just letting you blindly walk into the situation was shocking. What did she think would happen? She should’ve had an explanation of why she left her child behind. Even if there was a logical explanation to why she didn’t keep the kid, not even calling the child shows red flags. If she cared at all about the child, she’d be calling her daily or at least regularly. She had plenty of time to tell you before she brought you there.
Any person who doesn’t take care of their child isn’t someone you shouldn’t be in a relationship with. This 100% shows her character and good on you. She’s the one who put herself in that situation so she can’t complain about how or when you reacted. I really wish more people thought like you. At the end of the day if she will treat her child like that, who are you? That child is only on this earth because of her, and she abandoned them. NTA.
NTA you didn't know she had a child, and she chose you over her. Big time deal breaker.
I knew my now wife had kids and I accepted them as they did me. I feel if you had known you would have acted accordingly.
NTA
First off... she didn't disclose her being a parent to you...
Secondly, she basically abandoned her child for some D. That's also not ok.
You're NTA for dumping her or for how you did it, because you even waited until the kid left the room. You also let her parents know (without telling them) that she lied.
NTA. Even if she didn’t tell you about her daughter yet she basically abandoned her while she went on about her life. No calls or visits? WTF. Good for you for ending it with her, she’s a shit mom.
My X was really crazy and got to cussing me out relentlessly. Her family was very religious and never cussed… one time she was starting a rant so I hit redial on my phone - I had just been talking with her little brother about taking him fishing. I didn’t know if anyone had answered but I just left my phone there. She GDed F this and F that… MF …screaming at the top of her lungs.. talked about how small my penis was,,, I sat there with no reply and kept crossing my eyes looking at the ceiling which would really make her mad…for about 5 minutes… she was out of breath with a red faced so I picked up my phone and said hello…. Her mom said hello so I handed her the phone and said “hey it’s your mom” and left the house. She promised she was going to cut off my penis but I left home stayed with friends then filed for divorce. Wow I so miss her.
NTA. She should be ashamed that she chose to ignore her child. And how long did you know her before you let her move in?! Maybe think about getting to know someone before living with them.
This is the craziest shit I’ve read in a year. Unreal that she just dumped the kid at her parents and was living with you for 2 months. Then again, she’s 27…many women I’ve encountered and dated at that age are immature.
I mean, this raises so many more questions! Why doesn’t she raise her child? Was the child removed or did she give her up? Poor daughter deserves better. I want to know what the parents said when the girlfriend was dumped back with them!
Nope. She needed the humiliation. I'm sure her parents appreciated it (for real). The only dick move here was her dumping her kid onto her parents to live as a single, childless lifestyle.
I’m curious to the backstory of why her kid is with her parents. Do they have custody? What’s her past like that she doesn’t have her kid? When a woman doesn’t have their kid it raises some questions. I applaud you for breaking up with her since she had no explanation. Plus hiding it = lying to me. Deadbeat moms do exist.
NTA As a mother, I could never see myself dumping my daughter on someone else over a relationship. You did the right thing. Hopefully she puts her kid first after this.
I'm with you here dude. That's wild that in 6 months it never once came up she had a kid and then she hadn't talked to the girl in 2 months. I feel bad for the kid.
I think it depends on the situation. Was she an unwanted child, did the parents force her to give birth ? If she was a child of rape I could see why she didn’t see her child. Let your ex have her say. Obviously if she chose to neglect without any reason, stay exes.
NTA - she hid her child from you - she abandoned and neglected her child Edit; NTA for breaking up with her or how you did it.
Also, she didn't even have the forethought to actually mention the child at any point before entering a situation where she knew the child would be present. Not even a "by the way I have a kid and she lives with my parents, just be cool" on the drive over/while they walked up the driveway. She just fully walked OP into it blind. That's a deal breaking amount of stupidity for me. I would never want to date someone if it meant having to spend all day at work wondering if I would come home to find that they had traded their car to a stranger for a bunch of magic beans, or taken all the money out of our joint account to "invest" in their friend's MLM.
It honesty should have been discussed before they moved in together.
Ideally yes, but there were still at least a dozen other opportunities to discuss it after that point that would have still been better than just bringing him to a party where the truth couldn’t possibly not come out and hoping he’d be cool with it.
He doesn’t seem upset about the not knowing as much as the girlfriend actually not caring about the kid though.
They were only together for 4 months before they moved in together. Doesn't strike me as a relationship where the big stuff is discussed in depth before making any decisions.
You're not wrong. That is crazy.
Agreed. Having a kid isn't a deal breaker for everyone, but hiding that fact until it gets dropped on your partner like a bomb definitely is. And if she's hiding something as big as having a kid she hasn't seen in months or even contacted in months, what other giant secrets is she hiding? OP definitely isn't in the wrong here for noping the fuck out of there.
To be fair I hid my child from my current partner too in the beggining of our relationship. I could totally understand why she would do it. Where I live, single mothers are often targetted by predators to have easy acces to their children. I wanted to avoid that risk, so I lied about having a child. When I was feeling more safe about his intentions, I told him the truth, explained why I lied and told him I would totally understand if he wanted to end the relationship. But abandonning her child for 2 months to be with a guy is unnacceptable.
That’s a reasonable situation but did you hide your child for 6 months?
You'd think it'd have come up, as she trusted OP enough to move in with him within 4 months!
Unpopular opinion, I don’t think it’s reasonable. If a child is an actual part of your life (and tbh even if it isn’t) you need to disclose that shit to future partners. So maybe I’m a dick for saying this, but if you live in an area that is somehow KNOWN for child predators (?????) maybe you shouldn’t be dating till your kid is older or till you move
Child predators are everywhere. I don’t think it should be hidden for a long time, but definitely reasonable to not put on a dating profile and not mention being a mother for the first few dates to weed out men with bad intentions.
Single mothers also get lonely or want to find love. Also most predators are never charged so it does not matter if the area is known for having them or not, they are everywhere
Did you move in and still not mention having a child? Lol
After 6 months and also living with oop? That is beyond acceptable. They weren't just dating they were cohabitating and that's something to know beforehand especially if the ex expected oop to allow the kid to move in at some point
They were living together!
Yes
NTA Any woman that didn’t even bother to call her own child because she got a new bf, that’s a hard no.
And, not telling her boyfriend she had a child. Trouble.
I’d been dating a man seriously for over a year. I’m from the US and he’s from another country, so we were long distance but visited one another frequently. Once I was visiting him in his country and we were walking down the street hand-in-hand when a young woman came up behind us calling his name (in their language). She was demanding to know where the money was for milk for their son, he’d promised it weeks ago, etc. He had never told me he had kids (turns out he had two). I was so shocked that I actually started laughing and almost peed my pants with laughter. I flew home that night. Once I got my flight arranged and was alone in the terminal, I was inconsolable. A flight attendant saw how distraught I was, bumped me up to first class, and fed me warm cashews and white wine the entire flight. I got pretty drunk, which admittedly helped me feel better (not my usual salve). I’ve never forgotten that flight attendant’s kindness.
Kind attentive flight attendants are the best
Was he one of those Caribbean resort bang bang boys that have numerous girlfriends?
No, he wasn’t. In retrospect, I think the issue was that he’d been very traumatized by his family of origin, partly because he was born in the midst of a brutal, decade-long civil war in which several of his family members had been killed. His culture is also known to be very permissive about openly treating women as subordinates; thus, he didn’t seem to understand (at a deep level) how hiding his children from me could be seen as problematic.
Uhhhhhhjjjjjjjjjjj did ya date my ex boyfriend? Soccer player? French Algerian? Have some really good OLIVE oil?? Cooks like a dream? Bullets still in his leg because his grandmother told him not to tell his mother so he would t have to leave the country and just wrapped it up in gauze? Played the 12 string mandolin in naughty clubs growing up allegedly? Ya ever check his ID and verify his real name? Check for his court history? See a restraining order? See any type of anything in Turkey? Any islands? Alleged “consular restraining order?” Goes to “Europe” in the summer? Wealthy but lives cheap? Big curly hair? Goes a little insane-o years after you broke up and threatens to find you again and kidnap you from your husband? Does a lot of TESTS of your love and loyalty? Anyways he sounds like utter bullshit, my ex or not but congrats on your escape, messed up as it might have been he’s uhhhhhhh liar for real.
ChatGPT please turn this into song lyrics.
Goes a little insane-o would be a great chorus.
If written for the country genre, you got an entire album right there
This was a wild ride, from start to finish
You should write a book
French Algerian at least sounds hot
From what I can take from your story, he was probably from El Salvador (decade long civil war). I live in El Salvador and NO, our culture is NOT permissive of treating women as subordinates, there are very strict laws that prohibit such actions, not to mention it is heavily frowned upon as it is plain unfair. That being said it's more common to find such behavior in people(yes men and women) that live or were raised outside the cities and were raised as teenagers during the 80's. My perspective is he was just a liar, that attempted to hide from his responsability.
I think you're underestimating how many countries have had decades long civil wars.
That is true, it just sounded close to home, a cousin of mine kinda did something similar.
>I think you're underestimating how many countries have had decades long civil wars. I first thought of what used to be Yugoslavia.
First thing I thought of was Cambodia!
I was crying watching the ending of the best marigold hotel on a flight (flying solo) the flight attendant thought I was really distraught and asked me what would help me feel better. She plyed me with the little bottles of sparkling. Complete legend. (I didn’t tell her it was because of the movie)
Not even On the way to her family’s house
Knowing her child was there. She is loosey goosey.
“It will be in front of my whole family, so what’s he going to do, break up with me?!?!? Lolilolo”
This a thousand times. Respect to OP for doing it in front of her family. They had some part in enabling this.
And a special respect to OP for waiting until the child left the room.
Yes this was a great move for him.
Exactly, she was hoping he wouldn’t make a scene and just go with it. I feel so bad for that little girl.
>Lolilolo Shakira?
Heck that’s not even fair to the goose to be compared to this one! She’s nuttier than a squirrel… ah damn I did the same thing as you and offended squirrels out there lol. For real though I really want to know what exactly she was saying when pleading because I do not know any “normal” or even egotistical human being that would use the words, or something similar to, please I promise I’ll call my daughter more and look after her well-being better. That is just utterly unacceptable, unbelievable and disgusting behavior for anyone let alone a mother. That little girls sounds like she’s in at least a good place and she should be, she ought to be as far away from that monstrosity of a parent as possible.
That’s why we say nuttier than squirrel shit
NTA, That's a pretty big detail to not let you know.
Did anyone else think of that movie I think was called "Flowers in the Attic" where the mother and grandmother locked her 4 kids in the attic of a big old english manor. When the mother was getting remarried the grandmother tried to poison them and actually killed the youngest. The hiding of the daughter made me think of this.
It was actually the mom that poisoned the kids, the grandmother just knew and chose not to do anything.
*any parent
Not a parent. Parents are present and care about their kids.
True! Also, she never told OP that she had a daughter for 6 months (the whole length of there relationship)! Who would want to be with someone who hids a kid, don't talk to or see them in 2 months and think that's OK. I don't blame OP for a second to do what he did, I wouldn't be able to pretend and play nice in front of people when I get hit with 2 bombshells like that! NTA
Might I suggest, any progenitor.
*mom or dad. I agree with your sentiment, though. This doesn't have a gender.
Not even a parent tf you mean
Love how your main reason is that she didn’t talk to her own child and not that she lied/didn’t tell you that she has a child in the first place
Having children is fine and i can even come up with good reasons to keep their existence secret for a while. Can't come up with any reason to ignore the kid. At least not with reasons i would accept.
You're a good person. I'll do a good deed in your honor today.
Did you do it?
I haven't left my house all day. I'm going for groceries later, so let's see what happens.
you're just gonna wing it?
Yea! You see what you can get when out on patrol. Worse case, donate some money at the store.
Just put your shopping cart back that’s good
I always walk it back to the little spot they have for it and park it nicely.
There is a special place in heaven for you.
Do one extra and leave it solo so someone can grab it without needing to dump a quarter in it
I love your energy, but please don't donate at the register for big companies, they just use your donation as a tax write-off for themselves. Donations directly to charities are much more effective!
Well…?
While I was browsing in the aisles, I saw someone coming my way. I immediately moved my cart out of the way without them needing to ask. I also gave them a slight smile and a little nod.
The hero we needed but didn't deserve
You know what I like most about this? It's such a small thing that anyone can (and should) do. I'm not trying to diminish it by calling it small, more so trying to point out that plenty of good deeds are easily achievable, they're not always this grand gesture. I think people forget that sometimes.
I went shopping today and someone stared me down when their trolley (cart) was clearly in my way and blocking the whole aisle so I thank you for not being like that knobhead
Hey, if you didn’t drive anywhere you’re reducing your carbon impact. Good deed done!
Hey, let's ALL do a good deed!
Good luck pal
Time to drop that can of beans off at the food drive
Even if she had her young and gave up parental rights to a relative, there’s no excuse, as an adult, not to at least keep in touch. Equally inexcusable is moving in with you without disclosing this or giving you some sort of heads up. Not somebody you could trust if you tried to build a life together.
1) She's clearly got zero interest in the child's life. Since the child is still in her orbit, and knows she's her mother, this will really affect the child. Even more as she gets older. 2) She took the guy to meet the fam knowing she was going to spring a whole 10 year old child on him and didn't think to give any kind of heads up. I mean, seriously? She clearly doesn't consider the child to be a big deal which is...interesting. Mom is either immature, completely self-centered, deluded or all three. 3) Her willingness to be a decent parent is contingent on whether she is trying to impress a new man or not. Wow. Just wow. Conclusion: She a real piece of work. Run.
I'd only hear from my mother, maybe once a year, for most of my childhood. When she'd actually visit. Considering she had better things to do, I usually didn't have to put up with her too much when she was around. Unless she decided she actually wanted a say in something and threw around, "I'm your mother" bs. I've been NC with her for years, and she can't figure out why. The more I read about it, the more I'm convinced she's a narcissistic sociopath.
Don’t move someone in after only 4 months!! That’s a stranger your still getting to know. In this case you learned that she has a whole ass child you didn’t know about. For your own self preservation be more selective and pace your relationships my dude.
This! And what the heck does she mean by “I’ll change”? So she’ll suddenly become an attentive, involved parent so long as you don’t dump her and kick her out?
You did the right thing. If she doesn't care about a child she has already, what does that say about future children? She's got other people taking care of her kid, and raising her kid, while she does what?
> while she does what? Find new boyfriends, apparently.
And doing to in front of her family, nope not an AH for that either. At least they’re aware of you knowing how wrong the situation is
Were they even surprised?
Dang OP....showing Reddit how to be a good person. I feel so sad for that little girl. I can't even fathom.
You will be a good dad one day.. she’s horrible to just go no contact with child.. poor thing..
Did the discussion of having kids not come up in the time you two were dating? It’s so crazy to me that this hadn’t come up especially after moving in together. It’s like she erased her entire child. If she could hide and lie about something as big as having a child (even if she wasn’t the primary caretaker), I wouldn’t be able to trust her and who knows what else she could lie and hide about in the future? NTA.
No no no. Keeping it a secret after meeting is not fine either.
Especially after living together for 2 months
How are people glossing over this little nugget? Lmao She MOVED IN without telling him she had a kid.
Yeah I think not *introducing* them for a while is fine but I don't think keeping it a secret like that is ok unless you are afraid of sexual predators only wanting you for your kid or something
It’s date 101. “Hey, I have kids, but you won’t meet them unless I decide I really like.”
My wife told me within 5 minutes of our meeting that she had three kids and if that was a problem for me it was a dealbreaker. We've been married 17 years now and our youngest is about to turn 18.
Absolutely.
what did your gf say when she asked? Her parents?
This shows me you are a decent person.
Thats admirable, people close to you are lucky to have you
Secret past the point of having moved in tho? That's beyond the pale. That is next level "hiding material information"
Yeah, I can understand keeping kids separate with newer partners until they're long term, but to straight up ignore the kid? That is the red flag.
Respect for understanding some women keeping their children secrets from new partners.
He would have been totally justified if the main reason was that she hid a kid. If I’m in a 6 month relationship and you move in and then you spring that you have a child on me, even if I like kids I’m out.
To be honest it shows a maturity of character.
Yeah that kinda blew my mind.
Omg what a horrible person to go two months not seeing your kid or calling her? WHY?!
Right! My ex kept my daughter from me for 8 months and it was horrible. I don't see how anyone would choose to abandon there kid.
NTA Any parent who doesn’t take care of their children are huge red flags
Absolutely NTA, you waited for the girl to be out, and then explained yourself. You were even nice enough to take her and her stuff back to her parents. What did her parents say about the whole situation? I mean she's 27 not 17, why would she even think it's a good idea to park her child with her parents to go off gallivanting with a new partner? And when would she had told you about the child? Nah, you are absolutely in the right.
This! I am also very curious as to how the parents reacted during this whole thing.
NTA She was the Flowers in the Attic starter kit. Best be rid
This reference is *chefs kiss*
Thank you, I was hoping someone would get the connection and you did!
NTA dodged a bullet... the hell? You are a nice guy
Maybe we should call him a good dude instead of a nice guy. Nice guy comes with some baggage not warranted here.
Nah, take ownership of the phrase back
Nope. To me nice guy is a reference to doing "nice things" but doesn't say anything about why they are doing those nice things. "Good guy" speaks to who they are inside and what motivates them to do nice things.
"He's a great man." "No, he's a good one." A quote from the show Sherlock that honestly changed my perspective
Here in NZ we’d call him a GC (a good c***)
"Mench" is a good one, too. OP is a true mench!
I am the little girl, in my mid 30s now. I think every day of calling my BIO moms current husband and to ask him how he feels about his abandoning wife and if he ever knew the true story of her 3 illegitimate children she stuck in the foster system as babies. Just to make sure him and his adult children are not too eager on being her make-up family. Ruin her public appearance. I try to be the bigger person in reality, but I can do and say whatever I please in my fantasies.
I don't feel like it would be completely out of pocket to do it, but it's all a matter of when and why. I do like a good bit of long cold revenge for these types of betrayals but I tend to wait until it's either self-defense or defense of others. At that point, it's time to go surgical
A slow, seething revenge I may never follow through with it is!
This is what happens when u move in with a stranger....
I know, right?
I think the real problem here is that this man is 31 thinking dating for 4 months is enough time to know someone well enough to move in together. Don’t get me wrong, the rest of it is a huge problem too, but let’s call a spade a spade.
You dodged an ICBM not some puny bullet.
NTA. If she does that to her child, imagine what she’d do to you
Or your children
Hate people like her who think its ok to abandon there kids just to seek out a relationship with some one. as for her she should be reported and have her parental rights taken away
It sounds like she lives with the grandparents anyways? I don't think she has any rights.
>her pleading the entire time and promising she would change So if she were to change the only reason would be for you? Not for the little girl she gave birth to? The one she didn't even bother to mention to you? >I wasn't asking AITA for breaking up with her. I wanted to know AITA for how i did it. I bet her family probably said "I told you so" and judge her quite harshly for how she treats her child. Could you have waited until later? Sure. But I get why you did it on the spot.
I bet she told the family he broke up with her BECAUSE she has a kid. Feel so bad for this little girl
It's the casual way she used the child she doesn't care about as a bargaining chip. Like, screw the kid, I'll be nicer to her as long as my guy is around. I assume that means if they break up she'll dump the kid again.
>I assume that means if they break up she'll dump the kid again. That's exactly what it sounds like to me. Bet you her family has said the same thing to her regarding how she treats her child. It's not until her boyfriend says, "Ooooh, you trifling. I can't be with trifling women", that she suddenly she wants to do better. Girl, that makes you sound even worse.
It wasn't an ideal environment but it was an appropriate and honest reaction. Your gf lied to you and frankly, set you up to be surprised. She probably thought if you met the parents and daughter, you would have no choice but to accept it. She is 100% the AH. She orchestrated this interaction and she is now suffering the consequences of her actions.
Nah your gee. That's a big old red flag I would of been so confused and legged it as well. She call you and explain why?
I asked her that on the drive home and she just couldn't explain it. But I'm not sure if she couldn't or didn't want to because it would make her look even worse.
paraphrasing: "It is better to be silent and thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."
The only thing worse would be if she had abused her child physically or sexually! What she did to her was emotional abuse for sure! :(
Seriously. That poor baby girl.
NTA. You waited until the little girl was out of the room, right?
I have no words… I can’t imagine disappearing from my kids life without a word. You’re a stand-up guy to have that standard for your partner. And it’s absolutely worth breaking up over. Hopefully she takes being a parent more seriously going forward. She should really focus on that
No one is “owed” a relationship. I don’t understand what further conversation there was to be had. She had time on the drive home and while she was packing up her stuff to reveal her reasons for her behavior. Whether or not you’re the one with custody of the child, it’s not something that should be hidden from an SO. The better approach is to be upfront about it and let those who aren’t cool with it move on. It reminds me of the time the brother was dating the lady who said she had a kid. Turns out she had 4. I was like when were you planning to mention the rest of them? I guess she wanted him to fall in love with her first so he wouldn’t back out at her big reveal.
I can‘t wrap my head around the fact that she didn‘t even reveal her secret when she invited her boyfriend to meet her family. How did she expect this to go down? It’s not OP’s fault for the breakup happening in front of her family. NTA
Honestly the fact that her not caring for the child the way she should is the biggest part of this shows your out of her league on a human level
Not the best move but effective
She didn't care enough to see her daughter in so long. She didn't care enough to tell you that she had a daughter in the first place. I wouldn't care enough how/when/where I broke up with her.
Okay so she had a kid at 17 ? What if her parents forced her to keep the child and promised to care for her as their own ? So the kid technically calls her mom "mom", but is actually raised by her grandparents as their kid ?
NTA for many people having kids is a dealbreaker. She needed to be upfront from the beginning. The fact that she chose to lie for months and move in with you is a huge betrayal. She thought she could emotionally blackmail/bully you into just accepting it because there was a child present. It’s sad that she would prioritize getting some strange over the welfare of her daughter.
NTA, not for dumping her like you did, glad you waited for the kid to leave the room though. And not for dumping her period. I couldn’t be with someone who is not an active part of their child’s life either.
NTA she is a shit person and mother. I would dump her callous ass. Abandoning her child with her parents to move in with her boyfriend.
What in the hell did she think was going to happen? Who just lets someone walk blindly into something like that?
Nta, if you had said this in front of the kid it would be bad, but it's not like the patents aren't aware of how the ex gf ignores her child. Honestly someone should have said it sooner imo
Well she got dumped like she dumped her own child. Karma is once again balanced.
NTA. But just a thought, maybe don't move someone in when you've only been dating 4 months. Take more time to get to know them better.
NTA- only thing I have to say really is that if she has a 10 year old at 27 she got pregnant at maybe 15 or 16 it’s most likely that her parents did the majority of the raising and are probably the Mother and Father figures more than your ex. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying it’s right but I can understand or see the dynamics or difference in the relationship due to the circumstances. And if the daughter and family are cool with it who is to judge. But I wouldn’t say you are an asshole for breaking up with her at that time. That’s a lot to process. It’s hard enough meeting a gfs family for the first time sometimes.
NTA. I am a parent myself. If I started dating somebody and found out that they had a SECRET child that they never told me about? FUCK NO. NTA in any regard.
I read the title of your post and I soooo wanted you to be the AH. I wanted to tell you that these matters need to be dealt with privately. But nope! You definitely are NTA! Her family needed to see a good man walk straight out of her life!
That was a bold move letting her move in with you before you even met her family. Maybe next time slow it down a little bit?
Hopefully she won’t take it out on the child.
I wish more guys like you existed. My child's BIO left us when he was two, she moved halfway across the country to raise some random guy's kid and have another by him haha...Crazy world.
NTA I'm sure her parents were happy that someone told her about herself, seeing as they're the ones raising their own grandchild while she does whatever she wants
NTA. You didn’t do it in front of the kid, she never mentioned having a kid, and she obviously doesn’t make kid a priority.
NTA. Hard pass.
Why are you moving in with someone after four months? It takes time to get to know someone. Had you waited, you would have found out she had a daughter. No, you weren't together long enough to have been inappropriate. You did the right thing.
6 months together (2 months living together) and she never mentioned she had a daughter. Yea there is no reason to not just end it immediately and nope out of there. Why waste even a minute more of your time after that. Why does her daughter live with her parents? Have to wonder about her parents opinion of her at this point too.
It’s a bad enough that she didn’t tell you then sprung it on you out of no where , but your right it’s a huge red flag that she seemingly abandoned her child for a guy she’s known for half a year.
NTA. She's got a child you don't know of. She didn't contact that child in 2 months. What was she thinking ? Is she thinking ? What was the plan ? make a big reveal assuming you'd say & do nothing because the whole family's here ? Madness...
NTA - Hopefully, she will spend more time with her daughter now.
No absolutely not I think it’s a good thing you called her out in front of family they’ve probably been telling her the same shii
NTA I bet her parents got a kick out of that! Sounds like someone should've told her to grow up a long time ago.
YTA. Not for breaking up. Not for the way you broke up. But for having her move in right after your first date! Not exactly that quick….but….damn that was fast.
NTA.
NTA ay woman who can ignore their own child is not the kind of woman you want in your life. If she can do that to her own child she can do a whole lot worse to others around her. Add in the fact you dated her for 6months and even had her move in with you and not 1 mention of her child sends up red flags all over the place.
Yeah having a kid is definitely something that should come up early, including what the parenting arrangement for said kid is. It doesn't really matter at this point where the breakup happened tbh, it could even be a good wake-up call that hiding a child from a partner is not a good move.
NTA... Why did she think you'd be ok with her putting you in a situation like that? If she can lie about that then what else?
NTA. You didn’t even know she had a daughter. She’s not a good mother. I wouldn’t respect anyone who don’t take care of their kids.
NTA. Her family is clearly aware (perhaps even agreed to?) the circumstances of the mother/child relationship here. So it's not like you outed any big secret in front of her family, other than the fact that surprise!, many of us don't have an ounce of respect for those who leave their child behind and will not tolerate adults who do so. Good for you, sir.
NTA. You didn't make a scene and you weren't aggressive. Just very straightforward in why. You could have asked about the situation before you made that decision, but at the same time you went with your gut. But as for the HOW you did it, definitely NTA.
Nope, definitely NTA. You obviously felt that strongly (rightfully so!!) about not being told she had a child and the fact that she’s an absent parent! Luoyang had every right to break up with her on the spot. Just a side note: I think moving in together so quickly was a bad idea too. Clearly the two of you really didn’t even know each other
NTA. You may have given that family the wake up call it needed to not further poison that little girl
NTA she should’ve told you she had a kid. I don’t blame you for doing what you did. You did the best you could under the circumstances. Just letting you blindly walk into the situation was shocking. What did she think would happen? She should’ve had an explanation of why she left her child behind. Even if there was a logical explanation to why she didn’t keep the kid, not even calling the child shows red flags. If she cared at all about the child, she’d be calling her daily or at least regularly. She had plenty of time to tell you before she brought you there.
Any person who doesn’t take care of their child isn’t someone you shouldn’t be in a relationship with. This 100% shows her character and good on you. She’s the one who put herself in that situation so she can’t complain about how or when you reacted. I really wish more people thought like you. At the end of the day if she will treat her child like that, who are you? That child is only on this earth because of her, and she abandoned them. NTA.
NTA you didn't know she had a child, and she chose you over her. Big time deal breaker. I knew my now wife had kids and I accepted them as they did me. I feel if you had known you would have acted accordingly.
NTA First off... she didn't disclose her being a parent to you... Secondly, she basically abandoned her child for some D. That's also not ok. You're NTA for dumping her or for how you did it, because you even waited until the kid left the room. You also let her parents know (without telling them) that she lied.
NTA. Even if she didn’t tell you about her daughter yet she basically abandoned her while she went on about her life. No calls or visits? WTF. Good for you for ending it with her, she’s a shit mom.
My X was really crazy and got to cussing me out relentlessly. Her family was very religious and never cussed… one time she was starting a rant so I hit redial on my phone - I had just been talking with her little brother about taking him fishing. I didn’t know if anyone had answered but I just left my phone there. She GDed F this and F that… MF …screaming at the top of her lungs.. talked about how small my penis was,,, I sat there with no reply and kept crossing my eyes looking at the ceiling which would really make her mad…for about 5 minutes… she was out of breath with a red faced so I picked up my phone and said hello…. Her mom said hello so I handed her the phone and said “hey it’s your mom” and left the house. She promised she was going to cut off my penis but I left home stayed with friends then filed for divorce. Wow I so miss her.
NTA. She should be ashamed that she chose to ignore her child. And how long did you know her before you let her move in?! Maybe think about getting to know someone before living with them.
This is the craziest shit I’ve read in a year. Unreal that she just dumped the kid at her parents and was living with you for 2 months. Then again, she’s 27…many women I’ve encountered and dated at that age are immature.
I mean, this raises so many more questions! Why doesn’t she raise her child? Was the child removed or did she give her up? Poor daughter deserves better. I want to know what the parents said when the girlfriend was dumped back with them!
Hell no dog, you hard as fizzuck. HWaaammmppp
I would hope her parents told her, you missed out on a good one there… that’s a real man!
Nope. She needed the humiliation. I'm sure her parents appreciated it (for real). The only dick move here was her dumping her kid onto her parents to live as a single, childless lifestyle.
I’m curious to the backstory of why her kid is with her parents. Do they have custody? What’s her past like that she doesn’t have her kid? When a woman doesn’t have their kid it raises some questions. I applaud you for breaking up with her since she had no explanation. Plus hiding it = lying to me. Deadbeat moms do exist.
NTA As a mother, I could never see myself dumping my daughter on someone else over a relationship. You did the right thing. Hopefully she puts her kid first after this.
I'm with you here dude. That's wild that in 6 months it never once came up she had a kid and then she hadn't talked to the girl in 2 months. I feel bad for the kid.
She shocked the hell out of you by bringing you there for that surprise. Dump her however you want brah.
You are a good man
I think it depends on the situation. Was she an unwanted child, did the parents force her to give birth ? If she was a child of rape I could see why she didn’t see her child. Let your ex have her say. Obviously if she chose to neglect without any reason, stay exes.