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The ex knew what he was doing when he bought the tickets - a gift would be giving her 2 tickets, this was a scheduled date night. It doesn't mean anything happened between them at the concert, it just means he doesn't respect her relationship with you, and since she went, she doesn't either.
A group of friends going is totally different from an ex-couple happily going together.
NTA - at least, I don't think so.
And that ex is from 9 years ago, and she can not cut the strings??? This looked, seemed, and sounded like a date from just the first glance at the setup.
What was the ex bf planning? That OPs fiance will have a ticket, and OP will buy his and be a third wheel at their date together? Man OP this was a bullet dodged. Once the shock of thst bullet zipping past you subsides, you will realise that you were absolutely NTA and should move on
See, I would see the fact that it was nine years ago as a sign that they’re more likely to be over each other than not. Some people for real stay friends.
Friends respect relationships of their friends and don't set up sneak dates. No one goes to a concert alone. The ex did bit give two tickets. He bought two and gave OP one. That present, in that manner, points to ' I want you alo e all for myself'. This is before we factor in what they may or may not be discussing between them when OP is not there. I am a jerk most times, and normally, I am helping set up this scenario for the ex against OP. Looking at it, OP is not overreacting. It was totally a date. Even if nothing happened, it sets up the '...we are so good together, look at how much fun we had the other night. We should do it again..."
Sorry, like I said, I have seen this movie too many times, and usually, I am one of the characters picking sides in the unfolding battle OP should absolutely avoid.
I go to concerts alone... But I'd never go to one with an ex, let alone behind my gf's back. I'd go with the gf or not at all if the ex is going to be there.
I do too, I love going to concerts alone. I can get there whenever I want, leave whenever I want, dance to my heart’s desire and not have to worry about any of my friends sitting there like a piece of wet toast while I go nuts. But I also like going to concerts with friends, I love live music in general.
No, the ex is from a high school fling, they maybe made out one, it wasn't a serious relationship.
Op doesn't love his fiancée so they should break up. But he's the ah for letting something so insignificant eat away at his soulf.
You're calling this a date based on their history from when they were kids.
If this was her brother or any other friend that would never be mistaken for a date.
She’s close with an ex from when she’s 17 or under and been with you for 9 years now, and a decision to use a bday gift (I’m sorry you felt uncomfortable but this has never come up in the 9 years they’ve been broken up and you guys together?) They were children. You are adults wanting to get married and in an instance no longer in love? Rage bait or you are definitely not ready to be married. Ps-not saying fiancée couldn’t handle this better! Honestly though why not just buy the ticket off the ex? Give it to a gf of hers to avoid all this if it’s real?
You’ve been together for 9 nine years so the ex was from when she was 15 ish? If they are still friends i don’t think you can count that as an ex as it was when she was very young. Also I understood that they hang out regularly and that they have the same interest. So is it then weird that her friend bought tickets for them to see her/ their favourite band together? If you broke off the engagement for this there is more to the story that you are not telling.
I agree. I know some people can’t handle their partners being friends with their exes but these two were kids when they dated - it’s been a decade. Plus OP doesn’t like concerts and his (now ex) gf and her ex DO like concerts. You’d think he’d be relieved that someone else was going with her so he doesn’t have to go.
Are we all overlooking something, this is an ex from high school… at most she was what 16/17 when they broke up. I was only holding hands & kissing my boyfriend at that age.
I wouldn’t be comfortable with my fiancé & her ex going to a concert but I certainly wouldn’t end a 9 year relationship over this.
How clear were you that this would make or break the relationship if she went? Bc it sounds like you gave in when she said she really wanted to go. If this is something you’re falling out of love with her over I think you have some things to work through. Also need to be more firm with your boundaries & communicate better with your partner.
So what I'm getting from you is that you think OP Repeatedly saying he wasn't ok with the arrangement isn't enough for her to respect his boundary? That he should have delivered an ultimatum? Tell me - would you feel the same way if the sexes were reversed? Somehow I get the feeling you wouldn't be victim blaming the OP if that were the case.
It seems like an oddly arbitrary boundary. And it sounds like he didn't actually communicate anything more than, "I don't like it."
OP would have been fine with her going with anyone else, but a guy she held hands with when she was 15 is too much? That's weird, jealous, and controlling behavior.
My opinion doesn't change with the genders either. If you're being weirdly possessive, you need a reality check, and therapy.
Just because the comment you’re posting under claimed to have just held hands and kissed…doesn’t mean the fiancé “only” did that. Y’all really need to stop discounting his feelings, simply because he’s a guy. For sure if the fiancé was the op and op the fiancé…? Y’all would’ve strung him up and told her he’s trash and not to marry him. How he’s a bright neon red flag etc etc. So please just stop. He told her he wasn’t comfortable…you dk how far or deep that convo went. Does he need to make a poem? A sonnet? To let her know not to go and that he’s uncomfortable? In nine years this definitely isn’t the first time he’s mentioned his discomfort. He was right for ending the relationship. The fiancé did not and does not respect op. She likes the attention of the ex. Definitely NTA.
Oh and by the way, there is no reason to believe they were “just holding hands” at 15. I wasn’t a virgin any longer when I was 15 and neither were many of my friends… people on this sub just love making their own narrative.
The fact is she went on a date with her highscĥool sweetheart. To make the matter worse, she went on a date with him after OP voiced his discomfort with the situation.
You may have been only holding hands and hugging with your crushes when you were 16-17 years old but i was having sex with my highschool sweetheart and i still consider her an ex. Everyone's perspective is different
Yup, same here. My high school sweetheart and I dated for 5 years. He was my first everything as I was his. The breakup was hard on him and he tried for years to get back with me. Even after I had children. Sometimes people just don’t get over it no matter the age or time that has passed. If you’re in a relationship and you’re open about something that makes you uncomfortable and your partner disregards it, that’s not okay.
NTA. You made it clear several times that you did not like her maintaining contact with an ex, let alone spending time alone with him, and she did it anyway. You set boundaries, she ignored them. Consequences, consequences.
The title says breaking up because fiancée went to a concert with her ex. Then you say it’s actually because you (suddenly) fell out of love with her. If that’s the actual truth then you had no need to post this, because that isn’t the reason.
You did the right thing. You dodge a bullet. If she respected you and the relationship, she never would have entertain the idea of going with her ex to a concert.
Her ex from 9 years ago...when she was 15.
She was a _child._ This wasn't a sexual relationship, and she started dating OP within a year, and has spent the ***past 9 years with OP.***
OP wants to be blame-free in breaking up with her after this huge length of time, because he doesn't want to get married.
YTA. You broke up with her because she went to a concert with a friend that she dated when she was 16 more than 9 years ago? Is there something in their current relationship that gave you pause? Has she given you any cause for concern with their relationship? Because this... is dumb. Some people are friends with people their exes. Even good friends with them. It sounds like this is a shared thing they enjoy, that you don't. This is next level jealousy. You keep calling her your girlfriend. She wasn't your girlfriend. She was your fiance. With 9 years of commitment behind that. That apparently couldn't stand up to your jealousy. Happy day to you.
Neither of them sound mature enough to get married, so it’s probably for the best. He shouldn’t be so insecure about a boyfriend she dated when she was 17 years old 9 years ago. (Probably for a very short period of time) And she shouldn’t be going out on a what is essentially a date with another guy and getting really drunk.
How did I know women would come out and gaslight this man and say he is insecure lol. She only is going on dates with other men, why would a guy be bothered by that 🤣
The post is really so vague we don’t have enough details to really know. Considering their ages and how long they’ve been together… “exes” seems a little silly. They could have gone to a high school dance together and that’s what OP is jealous about for all we know.
But if OP and the ex had boundaries in their relationship, and she broke them, then yes he should dump her. He also was very vague about their conversation. Not a lot of people would throw away nine year because “I feel bad about you going to a concert” - there’s more OP isn’t saying. Does the now ex have a history of drinking and maybe cheating, that kind of thing.
Take this from a post-college guy. Any girl I was interested with in high school that is single that I still talk to, I am interested and definitely would date if I had the chance. If I went another step further and started buying things conveniently for us to hang out… then yeah I am completely sold on that girl!! This guy was clearly not just some random fling and was trying to get with her and she was playing along to it.
Edit I also got something for my exs bday… I was still into her at the time and won’t get her anything now because I have moved on if that tells you anything about our psychology lol.
It’s stories like these that make me happy that by the time I was 26 I had a totally different social circle than high school. High school drama definitely shouldn’t still be around when you’re 26 like these people.
Agreed, with avoiding the drama. Just know guys have an extremely hard time having friends that are girls. If I got married today I would never be alone with a girl. Just bad optics and no reason to put myself or my wife in that situation.
I’m a married woman have many completely platonic male friends. Never anything remotely romantic. No issues. I think it’s just important to keep certain friendship boundaries in place.
A guy being upset about 2 friends going to a concert - a shared interest (not a date) - is definitely insecure and jealous. There’s no way to deny it. And he BROKE UP with her for it? That’s wild.
The issue is OP was not being reasonable. What's next, he tells her how to dress? It was a concert, they (fiancee and ex) split up a decade ago and dated as kids. If OP was so worried he could have gone. OP sounds insane
I didn’t see in the post where he said the ex bought them both tickets, just the fiancé and himself tickets. I guess people can’t harbor feelings for you after a certain amount of years?, is there a statute of limitations on that? He had legitimate concerns, he shared them with her, she ignored them, and he felt betrayed, it seems like a perfectly reasonable response to me.
Yeah, OP obviously has insecurity issues, being jealous of his gf going to a concert (when he doesn’t like concerts!) with a friend is not normal. Maybe OP has been cheated on by old girlfriends and it’s formed this hyper jealous behavior.
How clear were you that you did not like the idea of her going out on a date with her ex? My guess is that, in her eyes, ex is now just a friend and that they were simply going to see a band they both liked and nothing was going to happen. In her mind, she wasn't jeopardizing her relationship with you because she didn't think she was doing something wrong. I think if you had communicated clearly to her that going out one on one with her ex would jeopardize your relationship, she would've backed down.
The problem is that if he straight up tells her that then he's being "controlling". Just look at all the shit people on reddit say about "boundaries" and the arguments around them for what a minefield this shit is.
I would be doing exactly the same thing if the genders were reversed. Possessive, controlling, jealous behavior is disgusting.
OP's girlfriend was ***15.***
She was a child when she briefly dated the other guy.
He's trying to hide his loss of love under a batshit stupid excuse, and it makes him look like an awful person.
If he said, “you’re not allowed to go”, that’s control. A boundary is explaining how it makes him uncomfortable, and then if she still chooses to go which is within her autonomy, then it is on him to either continue to work as a team to establish boundaries that work for both of them or choose to exit the relationship.
Boundaries don’t mean you control another’s actions.
I meeeean wording it that way is an ultimatum, not a boundary. A lot of healthy communication and boundary setting is how you say it. In that example, the focus is on the partner’s decision and not on the speaker and their personal boundary and feeling.
Personally I agree with you but thats not how it's seen by a lot of people, hence my comment on the sort of stuff people on reddit say and how it plays out in real life
Healthy boundaries is about maintaining and regulating your emotions, not controlling the outcome of a situation. Healthy boundary setting is about recognizing and accepting that the only control you have in life is your own actions.
Boundaries are not about control; it’s about self-care.
"Boundaries" can only work if both partners in a relationship know what each other's boundaries are! And yes, boundaries are "controlling." Being in a monogamous relationship is controlling. In this case, the gf/fiancée didn't know she was violating OP's boundary. Even at the cost of being seen as "controlling" by his fiancée, OP should have told her in some unmistakable way he wasn't comfortable with her being around her ex and that calling ex "just a friend" didn't make a difference in his mind. Maybe she would have broken up with OP for being too "controlling" or maybe she would have adhered to OP's boundary. For lack of communication, OP can now enjoy being single again.
Because you're a child at 15. If 9 goddamn years have passed, and you've been with someone that entire time...you're making stupid excuses to break up, because you're scared of getting married.
She is a grown woman and engaged to be married. She knows better than to go on dates with other men. Especially men who have struck their junk in her before. She got what she deserved.
A concert- a shared interest that OP doesn’t enjoy - isn’t a date. Are you the kind of guy that thinks men and women can’t have non-sexual friendships also? I’m so glad none of my boyfriends and my husband weren’t/aren’t jealous. I’d never willingly give up my guy friends just to appease a jealous, insecure bf. If a person can’t handle their partner hanging out with the opposite sex it means their insecure and jealous. OP’s gf is probably relieved to be out of the relationship with OP.
Jfc, it wasn't a date.
Were you having sex at 15? Because that's how old OP's girlfriend was when she "dated" this guy.
Thinking that people can't be friends is fucking weird.
Another Reddit post where someone falls out of love immediately with their fiancée. Weird that you fell out of love so quickly to someone who has been with you for 9 years. You could have went to the concert but chose not to. You can also wear ear plugs to dull the noise. Your jealously destroyed a 9 year relationship. How were you planning on marrying her when you quickly fell out of love?
She dated him when she was what 15/16 years old? At this point he’s a childhood friend and many ex’s stay friends. If you were this uncomfortable for 9 years that is on you. If you didn’t communicate to her for 9 years you did not want them close or friend’s that’s your lack of communication.
She doesn’t deserve someone like you that easily loves one day and then falls out of love the next day. When you’re truly in love with someone it isn’t that easy to let them go.
There is so much to unpack here.
1. You’re getting married *next month* but you’ve suddenly fallen out of love with her.
2. You knew she was going to this concert and you didn’t do much to stop her.
3. There are clearly no respected boundaries in this relationship.
4. I can’t tell if you trust her, and that’s why you let her go with her ex, or you *don’t* trust her because you’re suspicious(?) that she came home drunk and happy after being at a concert with her ex.
5. You don’t see yourself marrying her anymore because of this single circumstance? Or was there more to it?
Grown ass adults make clear where their boundaries are. This dude didn't do that. He shared his unease with her, not setting boundaries and communicating.
Don't like thr usage of the word "boundary" here. We do know boundaries control YOU & no one else, right?
Either way, his communication was poor & I doubt he Madd clear how much this actually bothered him.
It seems OP has cold feet & find anything to escape because if there are zero other suspicions this is weird as fuck.
He told her he was uncomfortable with it.. what else can/should he have done?? Held her at gun point and told her she isn’t leaving the house??? wtf world do you live in where expressing concerns isn’t enough? Or did you just pick and choose what you wanted to see??
That's hilarious. It was a concert that she would have gone to anyway.
My god, going to a concert with someone you dated briefly when you were 15 isn't cheating.
Utterly delusional.
Excuses by a fellow cheater trying to normalize poor morals. Going on a date with any guy other than the bf is cheating. She hid it because she knew it was wrong.
tryina work out in what world going to a concert is a date when theyre like,,, just friends. you dont like concerts. she does. would you have rathered she go by herself?
regardless yall arent compatible so like good that you broke it off. but i dont think the concert is such a big deal like ur makin it out to be. im a lesbian and best friends with my ex boyfriend. we go to concerts together all the time. i know shes obviously into men so its different but like,,, ppl can figure out theyre incompatible and remain friends and go to events together.
honestly if this makes you super insecure then find someone who doesnt think staying friends with their exes is good. your first mistake was staying uncomfortable with their friendship instead of leaving her before you got to the proposal bit. seriously dude what logic was that??? YTA for that specifically tbh
Yep. I go with friend's partners all the time. My friend bought me and her partner tickets as a thank you one time. Definitely not a date. She has completely different taste in music and knows how fun concerts are. That's it.
I tend to ignore most people when the band is on stage anyway, or make friends in the crowd singing loudky with random people who love the same song.
I don't know what concerts these people are going to.
NAH.
NTA for breaking up with her because it's ultimately a boundary of yours.
However, I do believe that this boundary is based on your own insecurity and jealousy and not on something she did wrong. Your fiancee usually goes to concerts with her friend group, and I'm guessing her ex would also be a part of her friend group. He gifted her two tickets to a band that they both wanted to see, and you didn't. You told her you were uncomfortable with them going alone, but she didn't want to blow off an old friend because of that. Tbh, from her perspective and as somebody who would never ever cheat, I wouldn't have either. Because what does it say about her and your relationship?
You don't believe that they're just friends and you're uncomfortable with their friendship because you do believe that your fiance would just throw away 9 years of relationship in one night
That tells me a lot about you. I would be pissed at you for thinking something like that about me. You would practically force her to give up a friendship that existed longer than your relationship when nothing really happened, except in your imagination.
Btw, if somebody wants to cheat, they will cheat. They don't need a concert for that.
You don't trust her, don't marry her. Let her marry someone who is actually able to trust her, and you can find someone who will stay home with you and give up her male friends for you.
Strong YTA.
You’ve been together 9 years at 26 years old? So this was a high school bf before she met you? I’m friends with exes, maybe not to the point of going to concerts alone with them, but still.
Breaking up like this a month before your wedding seems like an overreaction and that something else is giving you cold feet.
“Breakups always hurt”. How do you know? The last time you were single was when you were 17. This seems really manipulative.
Don’t listen to the comments saying things like “she went on a date with another man. She FAFO”. You don’t like concerts, she does, and a high school friend bought her tickets to one as a gift.
I like how people saying “YTA” are skipping over the part where he shared his concerns with her and SHE decided the concert with her EX was more important than his feelings. She didn’t prioritize his legitimate concerns, but instead prioritized a night out with her ex. If you have a partner I hope they don’t do that to you someday and then have people gaslight you into thinking you’re the asshole.
NTA. Good for you. Your marriage would have her acting all indignant and playing dumb as she screws her other boyfriend on the side and enjoys the thorough d downs you know she is receiving regularly. Your instincts know she fks him & is using you as the comfortable provider that gives emotional support & stability. She has 2 boyfriends. F her unless you are if course into that.
How does your exs gfs act about your relationship? I would totally laugh if not all info is there and he realized he was into guys or something and now they are close friends.
ESH. You suck because you’re overly jealous of someone she was with over a decade ago. She sucks because she shouldn’t be accepting expensive date-like gifts from an ex out of courtesy to you. You both are better off without each other.
It seems like you are trying to justify that fact that you no longer love her and this is your safe way out.. they were kids when they dated.. she’s been with you for 9 years. If it bothered you so much how come you didn’t go with? Marriage is sharing each other interest regardless if both do not enjoy the same things, what matters is being with one another at your happiest. Your fiance favorite band was in town and you missed out because you can’t tolerate a 2hr concert. But again I don’t think this is about the fact that she went to the concert with her childhood ex.. it seems like you have cold feet.
I go to lots of places with my ex as we fell out of love but still love each other as friends. Does ex have a girlfriend? If so, how did she feel about the situation?
I think this is a case of you and fiancé not being on the same page any longer and this situation was a catalyst to realising you are no longer in love with her. You have done right to break up now, it will hurt but you will both heal and move on. Good luck!
YTA. This is an ex she dated when she was what, 14/15? And they've stayed friends in the decade since. That's called a childhood friend. You can break up over any reason, but I find it pretty petty tbh
He shared his feelings of uneasiness with her, she felt the concert was more important. He felt disrespected, and that she didn’t prioritize him over her ex, so he broke up with her. He’s NTA, you just have trouble navigating what mutual respect in a relationship looks like.
So she is just not supposed to go see her favourite band in concert because her fiancé doesn't like concerts? Screw that. I would break up with someone who tried to stop me from seeing my favourite band in concert.
Not sure what you think happens at concerts. People go to see the artist perform.
he doesnt like concerts, would he feel safer if she went alone to be potentially hit on by strangers or taken advantage of? this ex clearly made sure she stayed safe
do you want to hear something like yeah shes obviously been cheating on her boyfriend of 9 years with the guy she dated as a 13 or 14 year old the entire time? is that what you really think happened? if you do thats just sad honestly
Because The fact she still went *AFTER* he said he was uncomfortable with it, just shows how much she respects him and his feelings right???????
Of course she hasn’t fucked her EX since she’s been with OP! Why would she do that? I mean, she cares about him so much!! Right? Right?
yeah she went to a concert of her favourite band for her birthday and her fiance doesnt like concerts. honestly i wouldnt have let him being uncomfortable stop me either because its irrational and jealous and if they left me over something so stupid then im happy to be single. he failed ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
obviously not from wherever you learned that word. blocking u now because you just proved ur a jellyfish, though considering you made tinder part of your online personality i cant say im too surprised by this
Most of the people saying yta are also, like your ex, disregarding your boundaries. Assuming you didn't set them firm enough. But those people would also be saying you were controlling if you were anymore firm I'm sure.
If other people want to play with fire and ignore their partner going on a date with another person that's fine. It wasn't for you, I'd say it's a good call. Hope you're okay.
YTA you blew up over something you have no idea about, threw away 9 years off a whim. You said in your post you stated your discomfort once but then we’re ok with letting it happen. Then you ended it. You could’ve went, I’m in the same boat as you concert wise with my S/O, or you could’ve communicated this was an absolute no go for you. You did not convey this in the post so I assume you let it go but couldn’t take it. That’s your fault. Putting full blame on her is selfish and wrong.
I understand your discomfort with the situation and that is valid but you handled it poorly and should take accountability for that. Communicate properly
If my husband did that to me before we were married and he went with his ex, it would be Over.
I would Never do this sort of thing to my boyfriend.
It just crosses so many lines and if you were feeling very uncomfortable with this whole thing, that’s your gut screaming that there’s more going on than what you see.
Or, your girlfriend is either obtuse or dumb.
I mean you have been together for almost a decade and this is an ex from high school. Like that’s not a real ex. Why are you so insecure? Like this is her friend from high school. But yeah you are clearly not ready to be married.
I agree. She has no respect for him by going with her ex to see her favorite band and he obviously doesn’t care. In fact, that’s probably why he they’ve been together 9 years and he didn’t think to buy the concert tickets himself and take her. When you’re with someone that long, you compromise. I don’t see that from him in this scenario. I also don’t see it in his response either that he’s fallen out of love with her all of a sudden. He’s probably been out of love with her and looking for an out. This was it. He just kept lying to himself is all.
Also, it is clear she has been friends with this ex for a while, so to pop this now. It feels like it was just that final push that should have happened before planning a wedding.
I agree with you that I find it odd that just now he’s got a problem with her hanging out with her ex who had been her friend the whole time OP dated her. This friend and OP’s ex dated when they were 16 or younger. But I also think her dismissing his feelings wasn’t right and right. But overall I think they probably weren’t a good match.
They were 15/16 when they broke up depending on the gap between relationships. Most likely in the same friend group which at that age doesn’t split apart like adults. They “dated” for how long? And really, how serious were they??
You’ve been together 9 years. You were just looking for a reason to break up. I think your last few sentences prove that.
She may have had innocent intentions (just had to get her concert Jones) but the ex almost certainly had other intentions.
Could she really be that naive?
And coming home shitfaced? Not good.
NTA To be friends with an ex, there have to be boundaries, and while I don't think anything necessarily happened between them at the concert, the fact that she still decided to go despite your worries shows that she doesn't care. But what's really weird here is that the ex only bought 2 tickets for him and her, which was really disrespectful to your relationship. (Even if you don't like concerts and noise, what he did was disrespectful.) This guy is up to something. You did the right thing by breaking up with her, unless she finally decides to cut him out of her life, this guy will ruin all her relationships until they date again.
NTA. You communicated a boundary, told her you were uncomfortable. You let her make her own decision and then you made your decision.
As her why she thought it was accepted to go on a date with her ex. Because that’s what it was and when her chances to be married to you because she didn’t think her actions of going on the date had consequences.
YTA for blindsiding her with the breakup and a month before the wedding no less. If you fell out of love with her, that's fine, but you should have let you know when you realized it.
Oh she’s probably relieved to be off the hook and done with such a jealous and insecure guy. Those aren’t attractive traits and usually someone who possesses those kinds of feelings only gets worse and more controlling over time.
I just hope she finds someone who goes to concerts with her next time.
I was laughing though because for my 21st birthday my ex had gotten me George Clinton tickets. I was so excited but the day of the concert/my actual birthday I was too sick to go. My ex didn't believe me at first and thought I was blowing him off for my boyfriend. I was like I would ot blow off George Clinton for dick. I was so sick I showed up at the liquor store wrapped in a blanket. The dude working there was like are you okay. I was like no bit it's my birthday and I am determined to buy alcohol. He ended up giving me a bunch of free alcohol because he felt sorry for me.
I never did get to see George Clinton. Lol
Oh man that sucks! That’s a show not to be missed. i’m glad you have a guy that’s OK with you going to shows with exes.
I can’t imagine being with someone so insecure and jealous for 9 years. my very first boyfriend was that way low key at first (got worse quickly) and as much as I liked him, those traits were such a turn off. It was a quick relationship once he started stalking me on any night we weren’t together.
I won’t necessarily say you’re TA as it’s your life, whatever. But her ex from when she was like 15… really? Why is this such a drama?
I’ve just been to my ex’s wedding from when I was 16 with my husband. We never fell out and kept in touch every so often and we only dated for less than 3 months. Whilst we didn’t see each other, by chance his now wife ended up pregnant at the same time as me and we randomly met at the same baby group and became friends hence the wedding invite. No drama involved because we were 16 at the time and it was such a short relationship.
How long did they date? Had they slept together? I feel these are important details for this scenario.
Honestly hate Reddit sometimes. They say you’re an asshole for having ultimatums but not boundaries. The moment your boundary is something they don’t like it’s magically ultimatum. This is probably fake because he “fell out of love” so quickly. If it was real, there would be nothing wrong with ending this engagement.
What’s the lesson we learned? DO NOT DATE SOMEONE WHO KEEPS EXS AND EX HOOKUPS AS “FRIENDS”! There is absolutely NO reason to keep exs and ex hookups as friends.
Someone who NEEDS to keep exs and ex hookups as friends are toxic and not ready for a relationship also they are messy and need to keep people who stroke their ego. Even if their ex is their baby daddy they don’t need to be their friend they coparent and that’s it
It’s not about being a jealous child. It’s about being with someone who doesn’t NEED people they used to screw. But toxic people who feel the need to call people names wouldn’t understand that concept, so you go ahead and have the life you deserve
My husband of 24 years and his ex are still best of friends, I never feel odd or mad if they do things alone together. I know they're not cheating on me and in fact, I'm great friends with the ex too and I would not mind them going alone if I didn't like going to concerts. They probably just enjoy the same band/music and you don't like concerts... There's more than one side to things, I think your now ex dodged a bullet, too bad she wasted 9 years. Low emotional intelligence is what you seem to have. That's my take.
NTA. We about to walk down the aisle next month. You want to go to a concert with your ex after I said naw that’s weird. He gives you one ticket and takes the other. Thats a date. And you drunk? Sounds like having fun is more important than this relationship. Plus she sounds like a hoarder. Who keeps old things around for 9 years? Maybe OP is trying to get closer to her. Apparently if you breakup with her you get her time and attention. So hope it works out!
YTA - is breaking up with her even related to this though? You said you've fallen out of love with her.... Because of the friend? In the last week? You just sound like you don't care about her and I'm sorry she spent 9 years with you. (Also, this means you are jealous of someone she dated as a 17 year old 🙄)
You made the right call. Personally any sort of still existing relationship with an ex is an immediate no for me. For I am not in communication with any of my exes because there’s ZERO reason to be. I expect the same of a partner
NTA but how long ago was she with this guy if you two have been together like 9 years. That makes her what 15. Not that it matters. Just scratching my head that this guy has been sniffing around for almost a decade.
But you did the right thing. If she is this disrespectful to you now, once she has you locked down into marriage it will be ten times worse.
Well, at least now she'll have all the time and chances to go to any and all concerts to her hearts desire. And with her ex no less who might become her bf again. It's all good. NTA. R E S P E C T....... And she didn't give it to you.
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It’s clear you no longer respect her, but it’s crazy that for 9 years you’ve known this ex was obviously in her life and she didn’t know how much of a problem it would be until just now?
I guess it doesn’t matter any more. You’ve fallen out of love with her.
If that dude was playing the long con, he’s definitely working on her right now.
Nope. You told her you were uncomfortable with it and she still went. She don't respect your feelings. If you did this shit she would be beyond pissed. 9 year relationship and she is still pals with her ex. Do they have any kids together?
Switch the gender around, and people will say it’s a red flag that a guy will keep his ex around and goes on a concert date that specifically excludes OP.
I’m almost 40. If I didn’t want to go to a concert but my man did AND one of his friends BOUGHT him a ticket to go, I would say “have fun babe.” The fact that they used to fuck doesn’t matter to me AT ALL. I’m with him now. No body else. Whoever was in the past is in the past. How insecure can you get???
You don’t want to go but she’s not allowed either? The guy is an EX. Ex. Old news. She tried it & didn’t buy it. YOU are supposed to be her husband. You are very immature and juvenile and she’s going to be happier without living under your thumb.
*my man is stunning and has fucked more women than we can count. If I wasted my time being mad about everyone I’d never get anything done.
Either you trust your partner or you don’t. You just don’t. It has nothing to do with who she’s partying with.
Can we please realise that she and the ex were 17 when they were together? Is completely plausible to stay friends with an ex, especially one from teenage years, who might also have been a friend before getting together….i don’t see any necessary ulterior motive besides making his friends who he has known for a big chunk of his life happy…honestly OP i find you a bit controlling. Might be better for both of you in the long haul if you don’t get married!
Nope. Yall about to get married and she's going to concerts with her ex after you expressed your displeasure. Sorry she can't have her cake with her ex then eat it with you. Not how it works. Some people just don't have a clue.
NTA. A boundary is a boundary. If I told my man I don’t want him going to a concert alone with his ex and he did anyway, I’d be done. I don’t care, how long you dated or when. You’re going out alone with someone you were romantic with against your fiancés wishes. There was absolutely no other solution?
So you've been with her for 9 years and she still decided to attend a concert with her ex despite you expressing your feelings about it? so she was with this ex at 17 and she still favoured going to a concert with him over a 9 year relationship? that is actually wild. This ex still obviously means a lot to her if she's willing to go this far for a concert so you 100% did the right thing.
Also makes me wonder if something has been going on during these 9 years, why would you even stay friends with someone you hooked up with at 17.
YTA I find this entire thing stupid her high school friend happened to be a boyfriend went out to an event. And I don't care that you express that you were uncomfortable with it you can express that that doesn't mean your partner needs to jump and only do the things you're comfortable with. Before you know it you'll be uncomfortable with everything under the sun to manipulate to get your way.
YTA. You knew the whole time she is friends with him. It's your insecurity, not her doing anything wrong. You waited 9 years to finally decide this was enough of a problem to break up over after also getting engaged. People change their minds but don't string someone along if you knew this would be such a massive issue for you.
Not the AH. You broke your with her solely because you fell out of love with her. You weren’t being petty over the concert. Unless I am missing some context, you just did what felt right to you.
The hidden context is he said in the title he broke up with her because she attended a concert with her ex, from when they were 16ish years old, but at the end he claims it’s because he fell out of love with her. The entire post is irrelevant because the why is exactly nothing to do with his post other than the end of the final paragraph.
Nope , security is one of six the core basic needs that is a necessity to have in any relationship. They are like Pilar’s holding up the house…
When she didn’t see something wrong with staying friends with the ex in a 9 year relationship that was one.
When she didn’t see something wrong with the ex gifting her tickets to a concert with the statement I bought two you and I are going together that was two.
When she still didn’t see that she was losing you because she was breaking this Pilar of your relationship even after you told her your concerns.
She still went and returned later than you wished and more drunk. Which made her disregard of you even more apparent.
Step by step you fell more out of love with her.
But in all honesty it was because you weren’t compatible on the same level with your basic need for spontaneity and play… you didn’t like the same things and couldn’t bother to do the stuff the other one liked .. the ex did which was a point of frustration for you. He gave her what you wouldn’t.
NTA. Some of my high school friends dated each other when they were 14-15 and still meet up quite often as a group but never alone just the two of them because they don’t want to make their current partner feel bad. They care for their own partner and even care enough not to make the other party’s partner feel bad. She should’ve said no when she knows that no one else will go with them.
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The only important part here is that you have fallen out of love with her. The relationship is done.
Agreed. The concert is irrelevant. If OP doesn’t love the gf anymore, it’s time to end regardless.
Updateme!
The ex knew what he was doing when he bought the tickets - a gift would be giving her 2 tickets, this was a scheduled date night. It doesn't mean anything happened between them at the concert, it just means he doesn't respect her relationship with you, and since she went, she doesn't either. A group of friends going is totally different from an ex-couple happily going together. NTA - at least, I don't think so.
And that ex is from 9 years ago, and she can not cut the strings??? This looked, seemed, and sounded like a date from just the first glance at the setup. What was the ex bf planning? That OPs fiance will have a ticket, and OP will buy his and be a third wheel at their date together? Man OP this was a bullet dodged. Once the shock of thst bullet zipping past you subsides, you will realise that you were absolutely NTA and should move on
See, I would see the fact that it was nine years ago as a sign that they’re more likely to be over each other than not. Some people for real stay friends.
Friends respect relationships of their friends and don't set up sneak dates. No one goes to a concert alone. The ex did bit give two tickets. He bought two and gave OP one. That present, in that manner, points to ' I want you alo e all for myself'. This is before we factor in what they may or may not be discussing between them when OP is not there. I am a jerk most times, and normally, I am helping set up this scenario for the ex against OP. Looking at it, OP is not overreacting. It was totally a date. Even if nothing happened, it sets up the '...we are so good together, look at how much fun we had the other night. We should do it again..." Sorry, like I said, I have seen this movie too many times, and usually, I am one of the characters picking sides in the unfolding battle OP should absolutely avoid.
I go to concerts alone... But I'd never go to one with an ex, let alone behind my gf's back. I'd go with the gf or not at all if the ex is going to be there.
I do too, I love going to concerts alone. I can get there whenever I want, leave whenever I want, dance to my heart’s desire and not have to worry about any of my friends sitting there like a piece of wet toast while I go nuts. But I also like going to concerts with friends, I love live music in general.
No, the ex is from a high school fling, they maybe made out one, it wasn't a serious relationship. Op doesn't love his fiancée so they should break up. But he's the ah for letting something so insignificant eat away at his soulf.
Considering they couldn't have been more than 16 when they dated and who knows for how long or if it was sexual, I'd say this is a little extreme.
You're calling this a date based on their history from when they were kids. If this was her brother or any other friend that would never be mistaken for a date.
Yep. Exactly!
You, OP, and everyone agreeing with you are pathetically insecure
Or the ex knows that OP doesn’t like concerts and won’t take her so he bought tickets so she can see her favorite band.
She’s close with an ex from when she’s 17 or under and been with you for 9 years now, and a decision to use a bday gift (I’m sorry you felt uncomfortable but this has never come up in the 9 years they’ve been broken up and you guys together?) They were children. You are adults wanting to get married and in an instance no longer in love? Rage bait or you are definitely not ready to be married. Ps-not saying fiancée couldn’t handle this better! Honestly though why not just buy the ticket off the ex? Give it to a gf of hers to avoid all this if it’s real?
Spot on.
He wasn’t comfortable with it, she went anyway, point said. Just wasn’t meant to be
Exactly, she made her choice and then so did he. Simple as that…
You’ve been together for 9 nine years so the ex was from when she was 15 ish? If they are still friends i don’t think you can count that as an ex as it was when she was very young. Also I understood that they hang out regularly and that they have the same interest. So is it then weird that her friend bought tickets for them to see her/ their favourite band together? If you broke off the engagement for this there is more to the story that you are not telling.
I agree. I know some people can’t handle their partners being friends with their exes but these two were kids when they dated - it’s been a decade. Plus OP doesn’t like concerts and his (now ex) gf and her ex DO like concerts. You’d think he’d be relieved that someone else was going with her so he doesn’t have to go.
Are we all overlooking something, this is an ex from high school… at most she was what 16/17 when they broke up. I was only holding hands & kissing my boyfriend at that age. I wouldn’t be comfortable with my fiancé & her ex going to a concert but I certainly wouldn’t end a 9 year relationship over this. How clear were you that this would make or break the relationship if she went? Bc it sounds like you gave in when she said she really wanted to go. If this is something you’re falling out of love with her over I think you have some things to work through. Also need to be more firm with your boundaries & communicate better with your partner.
So what I'm getting from you is that you think OP Repeatedly saying he wasn't ok with the arrangement isn't enough for her to respect his boundary? That he should have delivered an ultimatum? Tell me - would you feel the same way if the sexes were reversed? Somehow I get the feeling you wouldn't be victim blaming the OP if that were the case.
It seems like an oddly arbitrary boundary. And it sounds like he didn't actually communicate anything more than, "I don't like it." OP would have been fine with her going with anyone else, but a guy she held hands with when she was 15 is too much? That's weird, jealous, and controlling behavior. My opinion doesn't change with the genders either. If you're being weirdly possessive, you need a reality check, and therapy.
Just because the comment you’re posting under claimed to have just held hands and kissed…doesn’t mean the fiancé “only” did that. Y’all really need to stop discounting his feelings, simply because he’s a guy. For sure if the fiancé was the op and op the fiancé…? Y’all would’ve strung him up and told her he’s trash and not to marry him. How he’s a bright neon red flag etc etc. So please just stop. He told her he wasn’t comfortable…you dk how far or deep that convo went. Does he need to make a poem? A sonnet? To let her know not to go and that he’s uncomfortable? In nine years this definitely isn’t the first time he’s mentioned his discomfort. He was right for ending the relationship. The fiancé did not and does not respect op. She likes the attention of the ex. Definitely NTA.
Oh and by the way, there is no reason to believe they were “just holding hands” at 15. I wasn’t a virgin any longer when I was 15 and neither were many of my friends… people on this sub just love making their own narrative.
I wouldn’t be comfortable if any ex of mine bought me tickets to a show. If there wasn’t anything behind it why weren’t the tickets for OP and GF?
Because OP dislikes concerts
The fact is she went on a date with her highscĥool sweetheart. To make the matter worse, she went on a date with him after OP voiced his discomfort with the situation. You may have been only holding hands and hugging with your crushes when you were 16-17 years old but i was having sex with my highschool sweetheart and i still consider her an ex. Everyone's perspective is different
Yup, same here. My high school sweetheart and I dated for 5 years. He was my first everything as I was his. The breakup was hard on him and he tried for years to get back with me. Even after I had children. Sometimes people just don’t get over it no matter the age or time that has passed. If you’re in a relationship and you’re open about something that makes you uncomfortable and your partner disregards it, that’s not okay.
he’s technically her ex i guess but from what ,, 14, 15 years old?
NTA. You made it clear several times that you did not like her maintaining contact with an ex, let alone spending time alone with him, and she did it anyway. You set boundaries, she ignored them. Consequences, consequences.
You’re right. A fiancé should not be dating other men. It was her choice. FAFO. and she did. Updateme!
I don't think the concert is a big deal. You not loving her is
The title says breaking up because fiancée went to a concert with her ex. Then you say it’s actually because you (suddenly) fell out of love with her. If that’s the actual truth then you had no need to post this, because that isn’t the reason.
You did the right thing. You dodge a bullet. If she respected you and the relationship, she never would have entertain the idea of going with her ex to a concert.
Her ex from 9 years ago...when she was 15. She was a _child._ This wasn't a sexual relationship, and she started dating OP within a year, and has spent the ***past 9 years with OP.*** OP wants to be blame-free in breaking up with her after this huge length of time, because he doesn't want to get married.
YTA. You broke up with her because she went to a concert with a friend that she dated when she was 16 more than 9 years ago? Is there something in their current relationship that gave you pause? Has she given you any cause for concern with their relationship? Because this... is dumb. Some people are friends with people their exes. Even good friends with them. It sounds like this is a shared thing they enjoy, that you don't. This is next level jealousy. You keep calling her your girlfriend. She wasn't your girlfriend. She was your fiance. With 9 years of commitment behind that. That apparently couldn't stand up to your jealousy. Happy day to you.
holy shit i didnt do the math, this guy is insane lmao
Neither of them sound mature enough to get married, so it’s probably for the best. He shouldn’t be so insecure about a boyfriend she dated when she was 17 years old 9 years ago. (Probably for a very short period of time) And she shouldn’t be going out on a what is essentially a date with another guy and getting really drunk.
How did I know women would come out and gaslight this man and say he is insecure lol. She only is going on dates with other men, why would a guy be bothered by that 🤣
The post is really so vague we don’t have enough details to really know. Considering their ages and how long they’ve been together… “exes” seems a little silly. They could have gone to a high school dance together and that’s what OP is jealous about for all we know. But if OP and the ex had boundaries in their relationship, and she broke them, then yes he should dump her. He also was very vague about their conversation. Not a lot of people would throw away nine year because “I feel bad about you going to a concert” - there’s more OP isn’t saying. Does the now ex have a history of drinking and maybe cheating, that kind of thing.
Take this from a post-college guy. Any girl I was interested with in high school that is single that I still talk to, I am interested and definitely would date if I had the chance. If I went another step further and started buying things conveniently for us to hang out… then yeah I am completely sold on that girl!! This guy was clearly not just some random fling and was trying to get with her and she was playing along to it. Edit I also got something for my exs bday… I was still into her at the time and won’t get her anything now because I have moved on if that tells you anything about our psychology lol.
It’s stories like these that make me happy that by the time I was 26 I had a totally different social circle than high school. High school drama definitely shouldn’t still be around when you’re 26 like these people.
Agreed, with avoiding the drama. Just know guys have an extremely hard time having friends that are girls. If I got married today I would never be alone with a girl. Just bad optics and no reason to put myself or my wife in that situation.
I’m a married woman have many completely platonic male friends. Never anything remotely romantic. No issues. I think it’s just important to keep certain friendship boundaries in place.
A guy being upset about 2 friends going to a concert - a shared interest (not a date) - is definitely insecure and jealous. There’s no way to deny it. And he BROKE UP with her for it? That’s wild.
He broke up with her because she didn't consider his feelings and trampled over his boundaries.
Crazy you think its that and not insane jealousy.
Even if it was, she went after he shared his concerns with her, that in itself tells you where her priorities lie, obviously at a concert with her ex.
The issue is OP was not being reasonable. What's next, he tells her how to dress? It was a concert, they (fiancee and ex) split up a decade ago and dated as kids. If OP was so worried he could have gone. OP sounds insane
I didn’t see in the post where he said the ex bought them both tickets, just the fiancé and himself tickets. I guess people can’t harbor feelings for you after a certain amount of years?, is there a statute of limitations on that? He had legitimate concerns, he shared them with her, she ignored them, and he felt betrayed, it seems like a perfectly reasonable response to me.
OP is bizarrely controlling, possessive, and jealous. The gf is better off.
Even if it is, better they be apart
Yeah, OP obviously has insecurity issues, being jealous of his gf going to a concert (when he doesn’t like concerts!) with a friend is not normal. Maybe OP has been cheated on by old girlfriends and it’s formed this hyper jealous behavior.
The girlfriend dodged a bullet!
NTA
How clear were you that you did not like the idea of her going out on a date with her ex? My guess is that, in her eyes, ex is now just a friend and that they were simply going to see a band they both liked and nothing was going to happen. In her mind, she wasn't jeopardizing her relationship with you because she didn't think she was doing something wrong. I think if you had communicated clearly to her that going out one on one with her ex would jeopardize your relationship, she would've backed down.
Why does she need to be asked not to date other guys?
The problem is that if he straight up tells her that then he's being "controlling". Just look at all the shit people on reddit say about "boundaries" and the arguments around them for what a minefield this shit is.
The fact is that this sub wouldn't be victim blaming OP if the sexes were reversed. But here we are, misandry central.
I would be doing exactly the same thing if the genders were reversed. Possessive, controlling, jealous behavior is disgusting. OP's girlfriend was ***15.*** She was a child when she briefly dated the other guy. He's trying to hide his loss of love under a batshit stupid excuse, and it makes him look like an awful person.
If he said, “you’re not allowed to go”, that’s control. A boundary is explaining how it makes him uncomfortable, and then if she still chooses to go which is within her autonomy, then it is on him to either continue to work as a team to establish boundaries that work for both of them or choose to exit the relationship. Boundaries don’t mean you control another’s actions.
People would still say that "don't go or I break up with you" is manipulative and controlling
I meeeean wording it that way is an ultimatum, not a boundary. A lot of healthy communication and boundary setting is how you say it. In that example, the focus is on the partner’s decision and not on the speaker and their personal boundary and feeling.
Personally I agree with you but thats not how it's seen by a lot of people, hence my comment on the sort of stuff people on reddit say and how it plays out in real life
If boundaries aren't controlling, they're worthless.
Healthy boundaries is about maintaining and regulating your emotions, not controlling the outcome of a situation. Healthy boundary setting is about recognizing and accepting that the only control you have in life is your own actions. Boundaries are not about control; it’s about self-care.
"Boundaries" can only work if both partners in a relationship know what each other's boundaries are! And yes, boundaries are "controlling." Being in a monogamous relationship is controlling. In this case, the gf/fiancée didn't know she was violating OP's boundary. Even at the cost of being seen as "controlling" by his fiancée, OP should have told her in some unmistakable way he wasn't comfortable with her being around her ex and that calling ex "just a friend" didn't make a difference in his mind. Maybe she would have broken up with OP for being too "controlling" or maybe she would have adhered to OP's boundary. For lack of communication, OP can now enjoy being single again.
If he needs to say it then she is already not worth it. How insulting to need to explain such an obvious point.
Because you're a child at 15. If 9 goddamn years have passed, and you've been with someone that entire time...you're making stupid excuses to break up, because you're scared of getting married.
She is a grown woman and engaged to be married. She knows better than to go on dates with other men. Especially men who have struck their junk in her before. She got what she deserved.
A concert- a shared interest that OP doesn’t enjoy - isn’t a date. Are you the kind of guy that thinks men and women can’t have non-sexual friendships also? I’m so glad none of my boyfriends and my husband weren’t/aren’t jealous. I’d never willingly give up my guy friends just to appease a jealous, insecure bf. If a person can’t handle their partner hanging out with the opposite sex it means their insecure and jealous. OP’s gf is probably relieved to be out of the relationship with OP.
Fucking hell, she was a child when she dated this “ex”.
Jfc, it wasn't a date. Were you having sex at 15? Because that's how old OP's girlfriend was when she "dated" this guy. Thinking that people can't be friends is fucking weird.
Another Reddit post where someone falls out of love immediately with their fiancée. Weird that you fell out of love so quickly to someone who has been with you for 9 years. You could have went to the concert but chose not to. You can also wear ear plugs to dull the noise. Your jealously destroyed a 9 year relationship. How were you planning on marrying her when you quickly fell out of love? She dated him when she was what 15/16 years old? At this point he’s a childhood friend and many ex’s stay friends. If you were this uncomfortable for 9 years that is on you. If you didn’t communicate to her for 9 years you did not want them close or friend’s that’s your lack of communication. She doesn’t deserve someone like you that easily loves one day and then falls out of love the next day. When you’re truly in love with someone it isn’t that easy to let them go.
There is so much to unpack here. 1. You’re getting married *next month* but you’ve suddenly fallen out of love with her. 2. You knew she was going to this concert and you didn’t do much to stop her. 3. There are clearly no respected boundaries in this relationship. 4. I can’t tell if you trust her, and that’s why you let her go with her ex, or you *don’t* trust her because you’re suspicious(?) that she came home drunk and happy after being at a concert with her ex. 5. You don’t see yourself marrying her anymore because of this single circumstance? Or was there more to it?
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Not “nag and control” but based on the description, it didn’t seem like he did all that much to convince her not to go.
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Grown ass adults make clear where their boundaries are. This dude didn't do that. He shared his unease with her, not setting boundaries and communicating.
Don't like thr usage of the word "boundary" here. We do know boundaries control YOU & no one else, right? Either way, his communication was poor & I doubt he Madd clear how much this actually bothered him. It seems OP has cold feet & find anything to escape because if there are zero other suspicions this is weird as fuck.
He told her he was uncomfortable with it.. what else can/should he have done?? Held her at gun point and told her she isn’t leaving the house??? wtf world do you live in where expressing concerns isn’t enough? Or did you just pick and choose what you wanted to see??
You shouldn't have to convince someone not to cheat on you... Going on a date with an ex is cheating even if they didn't hook up.
That's hilarious. It was a concert that she would have gone to anyway. My god, going to a concert with someone you dated briefly when you were 15 isn't cheating. Utterly delusional.
Excuses by a fellow cheater trying to normalize poor morals. Going on a date with any guy other than the bf is cheating. She hid it because she knew it was wrong.
tryina work out in what world going to a concert is a date when theyre like,,, just friends. you dont like concerts. she does. would you have rathered she go by herself? regardless yall arent compatible so like good that you broke it off. but i dont think the concert is such a big deal like ur makin it out to be. im a lesbian and best friends with my ex boyfriend. we go to concerts together all the time. i know shes obviously into men so its different but like,,, ppl can figure out theyre incompatible and remain friends and go to events together. honestly if this makes you super insecure then find someone who doesnt think staying friends with their exes is good. your first mistake was staying uncomfortable with their friendship instead of leaving her before you got to the proposal bit. seriously dude what logic was that??? YTA for that specifically tbh
Right?? I don't consider a concert a date. We go to concerts together because we have similar tastes in music.
gd literally. its seeing music live. thats it. unless its a specified date, its not a date ppl are so weird
Yep. I go with friend's partners all the time. My friend bought me and her partner tickets as a thank you one time. Definitely not a date. She has completely different taste in music and knows how fun concerts are. That's it. I tend to ignore most people when the band is on stage anyway, or make friends in the crowd singing loudky with random people who love the same song. I don't know what concerts these people are going to.
didnt you know? concert is actually secretly code for screwing in a portapotty
Ewwwww, and more ewwwww
Sounds like they went on a date. The optics don't look great. I would never accept a gift from an ex, even if I am friends with them.
NAH. NTA for breaking up with her because it's ultimately a boundary of yours. However, I do believe that this boundary is based on your own insecurity and jealousy and not on something she did wrong. Your fiancee usually goes to concerts with her friend group, and I'm guessing her ex would also be a part of her friend group. He gifted her two tickets to a band that they both wanted to see, and you didn't. You told her you were uncomfortable with them going alone, but she didn't want to blow off an old friend because of that. Tbh, from her perspective and as somebody who would never ever cheat, I wouldn't have either. Because what does it say about her and your relationship? You don't believe that they're just friends and you're uncomfortable with their friendship because you do believe that your fiance would just throw away 9 years of relationship in one night That tells me a lot about you. I would be pissed at you for thinking something like that about me. You would practically force her to give up a friendship that existed longer than your relationship when nothing really happened, except in your imagination. Btw, if somebody wants to cheat, they will cheat. They don't need a concert for that. You don't trust her, don't marry her. Let her marry someone who is actually able to trust her, and you can find someone who will stay home with you and give up her male friends for you.
This is the most rational argument here. There is a voice of reason on reddit. Who knew?
👏👏👏 I can't imagine throwing away 9 years on this incredibly insecure, possessive, jealous wingnut.
NTA She went in a date with another man. Period.
Strong YTA. You’ve been together 9 years at 26 years old? So this was a high school bf before she met you? I’m friends with exes, maybe not to the point of going to concerts alone with them, but still. Breaking up like this a month before your wedding seems like an overreaction and that something else is giving you cold feet. “Breakups always hurt”. How do you know? The last time you were single was when you were 17. This seems really manipulative. Don’t listen to the comments saying things like “she went on a date with another man. She FAFO”. You don’t like concerts, she does, and a high school friend bought her tickets to one as a gift.
I like how people saying “YTA” are skipping over the part where he shared his concerns with her and SHE decided the concert with her EX was more important than his feelings. She didn’t prioritize his legitimate concerns, but instead prioritized a night out with her ex. If you have a partner I hope they don’t do that to you someday and then have people gaslight you into thinking you’re the asshole.
NTA. Good for you. Your marriage would have her acting all indignant and playing dumb as she screws her other boyfriend on the side and enjoys the thorough d downs you know she is receiving regularly. Your instincts know she fks him & is using you as the comfortable provider that gives emotional support & stability. She has 2 boyfriends. F her unless you are if course into that.
How does your exs gfs act about your relationship? I would totally laugh if not all info is there and he realized he was into guys or something and now they are close friends.
ESH. You suck because you’re overly jealous of someone she was with over a decade ago. She sucks because she shouldn’t be accepting expensive date-like gifts from an ex out of courtesy to you. You both are better off without each other.
It's a fake story and I don't see any emotion here. 9 years and you fell out of love in "few nights"
It seems like you are trying to justify that fact that you no longer love her and this is your safe way out.. they were kids when they dated.. she’s been with you for 9 years. If it bothered you so much how come you didn’t go with? Marriage is sharing each other interest regardless if both do not enjoy the same things, what matters is being with one another at your happiest. Your fiance favorite band was in town and you missed out because you can’t tolerate a 2hr concert. But again I don’t think this is about the fact that she went to the concert with her childhood ex.. it seems like you have cold feet.
I go to lots of places with my ex as we fell out of love but still love each other as friends. Does ex have a girlfriend? If so, how did she feel about the situation? I think this is a case of you and fiancé not being on the same page any longer and this situation was a catalyst to realising you are no longer in love with her. You have done right to break up now, it will hurt but you will both heal and move on. Good luck!
YTA. This is an ex she dated when she was what, 14/15? And they've stayed friends in the decade since. That's called a childhood friend. You can break up over any reason, but I find it pretty petty tbh
He shared his feelings of uneasiness with her, she felt the concert was more important. He felt disrespected, and that she didn’t prioritize him over her ex, so he broke up with her. He’s NTA, you just have trouble navigating what mutual respect in a relationship looks like.
So she is just not supposed to go see her favourite band in concert because her fiancé doesn't like concerts? Screw that. I would break up with someone who tried to stop me from seeing my favourite band in concert. Not sure what you think happens at concerts. People go to see the artist perform.
he doesnt like concerts, would he feel safer if she went alone to be potentially hit on by strangers or taken advantage of? this ex clearly made sure she stayed safe
Yeah.. I’m sure he made sure she was **real** safe and wore a condom..
do you want to hear something like yeah shes obviously been cheating on her boyfriend of 9 years with the guy she dated as a 13 or 14 year old the entire time? is that what you really think happened? if you do thats just sad honestly
Because The fact she still went *AFTER* he said he was uncomfortable with it, just shows how much she respects him and his feelings right??????? Of course she hasn’t fucked her EX since she’s been with OP! Why would she do that? I mean, she cares about him so much!! Right? Right?
yeah she went to a concert of her favourite band for her birthday and her fiance doesnt like concerts. honestly i wouldnt have let him being uncomfortable stop me either because its irrational and jealous and if they left me over something so stupid then im happy to be single. he failed ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Where did you get your degree in gas lighting?
obviously not from wherever you learned that word. blocking u now because you just proved ur a jellyfish, though considering you made tinder part of your online personality i cant say im too surprised by this
I disagree. The way the tickets have been purchased sounds like a date.
Most of the people saying yta are also, like your ex, disregarding your boundaries. Assuming you didn't set them firm enough. But those people would also be saying you were controlling if you were anymore firm I'm sure. If other people want to play with fire and ignore their partner going on a date with another person that's fine. It wasn't for you, I'd say it's a good call. Hope you're okay.
YTA you blew up over something you have no idea about, threw away 9 years off a whim. You said in your post you stated your discomfort once but then we’re ok with letting it happen. Then you ended it. You could’ve went, I’m in the same boat as you concert wise with my S/O, or you could’ve communicated this was an absolute no go for you. You did not convey this in the post so I assume you let it go but couldn’t take it. That’s your fault. Putting full blame on her is selfish and wrong. I understand your discomfort with the situation and that is valid but you handled it poorly and should take accountability for that. Communicate properly
Why do they always get shocked when they face the consequences for doing the exact thing their partner told them they were uncomfortable with?
If you are a man big chances reddit will call you the asshole, even in a situation where you are absolutely right like this one.
If my husband did that to me before we were married and he went with his ex, it would be Over. I would Never do this sort of thing to my boyfriend. It just crosses so many lines and if you were feeling very uncomfortable with this whole thing, that’s your gut screaming that there’s more going on than what you see. Or, your girlfriend is either obtuse or dumb.
Her ex from when she was 17? This post is full on BS!
Why? She and her ex could have dated when they were 15 or 16. It wouldn't be the first time in history.
I mean you have been together for almost a decade and this is an ex from high school. Like that’s not a real ex. Why are you so insecure? Like this is her friend from high school. But yeah you are clearly not ready to be married.
ESH.
I agree. She has no respect for him by going with her ex to see her favorite band and he obviously doesn’t care. In fact, that’s probably why he they’ve been together 9 years and he didn’t think to buy the concert tickets himself and take her. When you’re with someone that long, you compromise. I don’t see that from him in this scenario. I also don’t see it in his response either that he’s fallen out of love with her all of a sudden. He’s probably been out of love with her and looking for an out. This was it. He just kept lying to himself is all.
Also, it is clear she has been friends with this ex for a while, so to pop this now. It feels like it was just that final push that should have happened before planning a wedding.
I agree with you that I find it odd that just now he’s got a problem with her hanging out with her ex who had been her friend the whole time OP dated her. This friend and OP’s ex dated when they were 16 or younger. But I also think her dismissing his feelings wasn’t right and right. But overall I think they probably weren’t a good match.
They were 15/16 when they broke up depending on the gap between relationships. Most likely in the same friend group which at that age doesn’t split apart like adults. They “dated” for how long? And really, how serious were they?? You’ve been together 9 years. You were just looking for a reason to break up. I think your last few sentences prove that.
She may have had innocent intentions (just had to get her concert Jones) but the ex almost certainly had other intentions. Could she really be that naive? And coming home shitfaced? Not good.
NTA To be friends with an ex, there have to be boundaries, and while I don't think anything necessarily happened between them at the concert, the fact that she still decided to go despite your worries shows that she doesn't care. But what's really weird here is that the ex only bought 2 tickets for him and her, which was really disrespectful to your relationship. (Even if you don't like concerts and noise, what he did was disrespectful.) This guy is up to something. You did the right thing by breaking up with her, unless she finally decides to cut him out of her life, this guy will ruin all her relationships until they date again.
NTA. You communicated a boundary, told her you were uncomfortable. You let her make her own decision and then you made your decision. As her why she thought it was accepted to go on a date with her ex. Because that’s what it was and when her chances to be married to you because she didn’t think her actions of going on the date had consequences.
YTA for blindsiding her with the breakup and a month before the wedding no less. If you fell out of love with her, that's fine, but you should have let you know when you realized it.
YTA
You threw away 9 years because she really wanted to see her fav band? Glad you guys didn't get married last year! 🤣 Honey, I wanna DIVORCE!
NTA and she is better off even if she doesn't realize it atm.
Oh she’s probably relieved to be off the hook and done with such a jealous and insecure guy. Those aren’t attractive traits and usually someone who possesses those kinds of feelings only gets worse and more controlling over time.
I just hope she finds someone who goes to concerts with her next time. I was laughing though because for my 21st birthday my ex had gotten me George Clinton tickets. I was so excited but the day of the concert/my actual birthday I was too sick to go. My ex didn't believe me at first and thought I was blowing him off for my boyfriend. I was like I would ot blow off George Clinton for dick. I was so sick I showed up at the liquor store wrapped in a blanket. The dude working there was like are you okay. I was like no bit it's my birthday and I am determined to buy alcohol. He ended up giving me a bunch of free alcohol because he felt sorry for me. I never did get to see George Clinton. Lol
Oh man that sucks! That’s a show not to be missed. i’m glad you have a guy that’s OK with you going to shows with exes. I can’t imagine being with someone so insecure and jealous for 9 years. my very first boyfriend was that way low key at first (got worse quickly) and as much as I liked him, those traits were such a turn off. It was a quick relationship once he started stalking me on any night we weren’t together.
I won’t necessarily say you’re TA as it’s your life, whatever. But her ex from when she was like 15… really? Why is this such a drama? I’ve just been to my ex’s wedding from when I was 16 with my husband. We never fell out and kept in touch every so often and we only dated for less than 3 months. Whilst we didn’t see each other, by chance his now wife ended up pregnant at the same time as me and we randomly met at the same baby group and became friends hence the wedding invite. No drama involved because we were 16 at the time and it was such a short relationship. How long did they date? Had they slept together? I feel these are important details for this scenario.
You've been together 9 years. So...15? Which means she broke up with her ex at like...14?
Honestly hate Reddit sometimes. They say you’re an asshole for having ultimatums but not boundaries. The moment your boundary is something they don’t like it’s magically ultimatum. This is probably fake because he “fell out of love” so quickly. If it was real, there would be nothing wrong with ending this engagement.
What’s the lesson we learned? DO NOT DATE SOMEONE WHO KEEPS EXS AND EX HOOKUPS AS “FRIENDS”! There is absolutely NO reason to keep exs and ex hookups as friends. Someone who NEEDS to keep exs and ex hookups as friends are toxic and not ready for a relationship also they are messy and need to keep people who stroke their ego. Even if their ex is their baby daddy they don’t need to be their friend they coparent and that’s it
What a fucking tragic outlook on life
Not tragic just realistic, what would be the point to keep exs in your life? Other than an ego boost
Some of us aren't jealous children who choose partners they trust and don't expect them to ditch all friends just because sex used to be involved 😊
It’s not about being a jealous child. It’s about being with someone who doesn’t NEED people they used to screw. But toxic people who feel the need to call people names wouldn’t understand that concept, so you go ahead and have the life you deserve
My husband of 24 years and his ex are still best of friends, I never feel odd or mad if they do things alone together. I know they're not cheating on me and in fact, I'm great friends with the ex too and I would not mind them going alone if I didn't like going to concerts. They probably just enjoy the same band/music and you don't like concerts... There's more than one side to things, I think your now ex dodged a bullet, too bad she wasted 9 years. Low emotional intelligence is what you seem to have. That's my take.
No one could be this stupid. This can’t be real. That “ex” was from when they were literal children and you’ve spent a decade with this woman. YTA.
NTA. We about to walk down the aisle next month. You want to go to a concert with your ex after I said naw that’s weird. He gives you one ticket and takes the other. Thats a date. And you drunk? Sounds like having fun is more important than this relationship. Plus she sounds like a hoarder. Who keeps old things around for 9 years? Maybe OP is trying to get closer to her. Apparently if you breakup with her you get her time and attention. So hope it works out!
YTA - is breaking up with her even related to this though? You said you've fallen out of love with her.... Because of the friend? In the last week? You just sound like you don't care about her and I'm sorry she spent 9 years with you. (Also, this means you are jealous of someone she dated as a 17 year old 🙄)
You made the right call. Personally any sort of still existing relationship with an ex is an immediate no for me. For I am not in communication with any of my exes because there’s ZERO reason to be. I expect the same of a partner
NTA but how long ago was she with this guy if you two have been together like 9 years. That makes her what 15. Not that it matters. Just scratching my head that this guy has been sniffing around for almost a decade. But you did the right thing. If she is this disrespectful to you now, once she has you locked down into marriage it will be ten times worse.
Well, at least now she'll have all the time and chances to go to any and all concerts to her hearts desire. And with her ex no less who might become her bf again. It's all good. NTA. R E S P E C T....... And she didn't give it to you.
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Updateme
Updateme!
Opinions all over the board here. Updateme!
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NTA.
It’s clear you no longer respect her, but it’s crazy that for 9 years you’ve known this ex was obviously in her life and she didn’t know how much of a problem it would be until just now? I guess it doesn’t matter any more. You’ve fallen out of love with her. If that dude was playing the long con, he’s definitely working on her right now.
Nope. You told her you were uncomfortable with it and she still went. She don't respect your feelings. If you did this shit she would be beyond pissed. 9 year relationship and she is still pals with her ex. Do they have any kids together?
Nta she has not respected your boundaries
I would have gotten some ear plugs and went with them!!
Switch the gender around, and people will say it’s a red flag that a guy will keep his ex around and goes on a concert date that specifically excludes OP.
I can’t even read this. Once I read ‘ex’ and that these two are together for 9 years… Nah-I have grout to scrub.
I think ESH because it doesn't sound like any communication happened regarding boundaries.
NTA
Didn’t read past 1st paragraph because the person you date when you’re 15 or younger can barely be considered your ex
I’m almost 40. If I didn’t want to go to a concert but my man did AND one of his friends BOUGHT him a ticket to go, I would say “have fun babe.” The fact that they used to fuck doesn’t matter to me AT ALL. I’m with him now. No body else. Whoever was in the past is in the past. How insecure can you get??? You don’t want to go but she’s not allowed either? The guy is an EX. Ex. Old news. She tried it & didn’t buy it. YOU are supposed to be her husband. You are very immature and juvenile and she’s going to be happier without living under your thumb. *my man is stunning and has fucked more women than we can count. If I wasted my time being mad about everyone I’d never get anything done. Either you trust your partner or you don’t. You just don’t. It has nothing to do with who she’s partying with.
You’ve got it right girl. Thank you for being rational.
Easier when you’re older but these are kids.
You made the right choice. You got rid of someone who didn't respect you.
Can we please realise that she and the ex were 17 when they were together? Is completely plausible to stay friends with an ex, especially one from teenage years, who might also have been a friend before getting together….i don’t see any necessary ulterior motive besides making his friends who he has known for a big chunk of his life happy…honestly OP i find you a bit controlling. Might be better for both of you in the long haul if you don’t get married!
Nope. Yall about to get married and she's going to concerts with her ex after you expressed your displeasure. Sorry she can't have her cake with her ex then eat it with you. Not how it works. Some people just don't have a clue.
Definitely not the AH…she disregarded your feelings and acted selfish. It won’t stop after you marry. You dodged a bullet
short answer....nope.
NTA. A boundary is a boundary. If I told my man I don’t want him going to a concert alone with his ex and he did anyway, I’d be done. I don’t care, how long you dated or when. You’re going out alone with someone you were romantic with against your fiancés wishes. There was absolutely no other solution?
So you've been with her for 9 years and she still decided to attend a concert with her ex despite you expressing your feelings about it? so she was with this ex at 17 and she still favoured going to a concert with him over a 9 year relationship? that is actually wild. This ex still obviously means a lot to her if she's willing to go this far for a concert so you 100% did the right thing. Also makes me wonder if something has been going on during these 9 years, why would you even stay friends with someone you hooked up with at 17.
YTA I find this entire thing stupid her high school friend happened to be a boyfriend went out to an event. And I don't care that you express that you were uncomfortable with it you can express that that doesn't mean your partner needs to jump and only do the things you're comfortable with. Before you know it you'll be uncomfortable with everything under the sun to manipulate to get your way.
YTA. You knew the whole time she is friends with him. It's your insecurity, not her doing anything wrong. You waited 9 years to finally decide this was enough of a problem to break up over after also getting engaged. People change their minds but don't string someone along if you knew this would be such a massive issue for you.
Yes, you were TAH. This would be a much different story if it was "my girlfriend of 2 years went to a concert with her ex".
Not the AH. You broke your with her solely because you fell out of love with her. You weren’t being petty over the concert. Unless I am missing some context, you just did what felt right to you.
The hidden context is he said in the title he broke up with her because she attended a concert with her ex, from when they were 16ish years old, but at the end he claims it’s because he fell out of love with her. The entire post is irrelevant because the why is exactly nothing to do with his post other than the end of the final paragraph.
NTA-her choice as a poor one, she is now experiencing the consequences
Nope , security is one of six the core basic needs that is a necessity to have in any relationship. They are like Pilar’s holding up the house… When she didn’t see something wrong with staying friends with the ex in a 9 year relationship that was one. When she didn’t see something wrong with the ex gifting her tickets to a concert with the statement I bought two you and I are going together that was two. When she still didn’t see that she was losing you because she was breaking this Pilar of your relationship even after you told her your concerns. She still went and returned later than you wished and more drunk. Which made her disregard of you even more apparent. Step by step you fell more out of love with her. But in all honesty it was because you weren’t compatible on the same level with your basic need for spontaneity and play… you didn’t like the same things and couldn’t bother to do the stuff the other one liked .. the ex did which was a point of frustration for you. He gave her what you wouldn’t.
NTA. Some of my high school friends dated each other when they were 14-15 and still meet up quite often as a group but never alone just the two of them because they don’t want to make their current partner feel bad. They care for their own partner and even care enough not to make the other party’s partner feel bad. She should’ve said no when she knows that no one else will go with them.