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His mom is the most important person in his life despite having a pregnant wife? This is not going to turn out well, OP. The age gap is enough to cast a great deal of doubt on the relationship, but the way he is behaving about his mother..
It's possible it'll be fine, but it's a lot of red flags.
Exactly. No woman his age would accept a man that puts his mother above his pregnant wife. OP has a lot to learn and is now bringing a baby into the world with her groomer. Be so careful who you have kids with.
But he has a baby face 👶. Stupid teens thinking they are so mature and then you reading stories like this where they are so easily manipulated and intimidated. So predictable
Seriously. My 14yo looks 20. Doesn't help that she's 5'11" either! As soon as she speaks, though, you know you've just got a tall teenager in front of you. OP is in for a world of hurt.
She's literally listing all his red flags for this age gap relationship she sounds older than she is, so it's not age related. /s
"He doesn't consider my feelings." Yeah, because he's older, and he knows best. /s
I'm all for everyone loving their moms, but if my husband said his was the most important person in his life, I'd respond with, "Go live with her then."
That’s why he groomed a teenager because he knows no sane, strong, adult woman would date, marry, and have a child with him.
Classssic groomer move. I feel bad for OP but I wish she could have known better (she’s clearly very immature).
And if she thinks his mom is going to go home, she's in for a shock. That'll be her next Reddit post. "MIL only lets me have my baby to breastfeed, doesn't clean up after herself, and won't go home."
You're finding out why he wasn't already dating or married to a woman his age. Christ, girl.
You're not "mature for your age," he knew you'd be easier to manipulate and control because of the vast difference in life experience you both have.
NTA, obviously.
Ding ding ding ding! You nailed it. Also, his statement that his mom is the most important person in his life, makes him sound like a total mommy's boy
Right?! I can’t imagine being 8mo pregnant and having my partner look me in the eye and tell me his mother is the **MOST** important person in his life.
Beat me to it, lol. Not to mention that a normal, well-adjusted man would've turned and left after noticing the age difference. Now she's finding out why the guy isn't with women that are his own age *(or around it)*.
That part. Very disconcerning. His wife is supposed to be the most important person in his life. Moreover, he’s very adept at passive aggressive manipulation.
I fucking hate when the young girls in these posts try to defend the age gap with “oh I made the first move” “it’s not his fault I just look older for my age” like girl. You may have made the first move and maybe he didn’t realize just how young you were. But the difference between him and a non-creepy guy is that he continued on after learning your age then fucking married you. A normal guy would have learned your age, said “yikes, sorry about that!” And moved on with his life.
Exactly what I was gonna say next. If OP was really so mature for her age she’d have recognized what a creep this guy was way before she ever got to the point of marriage and a baby.
Speaking of learning from mistakes, move back in with your mom immediately OP. It’s time he decide on the most important person in his life and let him know you gave birth, you make the rules. He can have visitation or he can change. Grow a shiny spine fast.
This! This! This!
OP, you need to feel calm & safe, your husband sounds like he'll happily have his mommy take over *everything.* Where does that leave you? An organic incubator? An outsider in your own home?
Is he expecting his mommy to be present at the actual birth?
Exactly. She’s 19, 8 months pregnant and married. Meaning this dude wasted no time upon learning she newly turned 18, or was pursuing her from before she was 18. My math may be off but it still doesn’t excuse the 9 year age gap between an almost 30 year old and a barely legal teenager.
Also, I never knew a single teenager, myself included at the time, who was told “you’re mature for your age” by anyone other than an adult. Children don’t say this to each other!
Also, you’ve got to add some time on for them to get married too. Depending on how recently she turned 19, there’s a high chance she got pregnant at 18.
I somehow doubt she got pregnant the first time she ever met him and then married him too, surely they must have known each other a bit, potentially putting her at 17 or younger, whilst he is still in his late 20s.
>Also, I never knew a single teenager, myself included at the time, who was told “you’re mature for your age” by anyone other than an adult. Children don’t say this to each other!
Yes. And she's missing a creep-o-meter if she doesn't find that observation creepy in and of itself. Including the evergreen "You're [actual age]? You look older and more mature than [insert age]!".
I told my 13 YO that if anyone visibly older than her ever says that to her before she's in her 30s, she should respond with "Ew, you're a disgusting creep." and get as much physical distance from that person as possible in the situation.
(I've had at least one person **remark that to me**, about my daughter. It was followed by a long silence and: "She's 13, and I think she acts and looks like a 13 year old. Which is to say immature and still needing protection from most adults." Followed by more uncomfortable silence.
I realize they may have been well meaning but clueless, but I don't think that kind of remarks should go unnoticed, or worse acquiesced via silence, just the same.)
This is 💯 what I've been trying to drill into my sister's head. She met him when she was 14 and he was 19. She claimed 17 at first but when he found out, the creep didn't break it off. She's now 23 and he's assaulted 2 of our family members and stared at my thighs and breasts so obviously that my oblivious ass noticed.
Thankfully she seems absolutely fed up with how controlling he's been and seems to be done with him but I'm so worried she's going to change her mind.
What I want to know is when they even met. She’s only 19 and they’re already married. So even if she was about to turn 20 tomorrow, that means if they started dating the day she turned 18, that’s only 2 years that they dated, got engaged, got married and pregnant. That’s the maximum amount of time, in reality I’m sure it’s been shorter since if OP was about to turn 20 she probably would have said that. I do believe they probably got together on or close to her 18th birthday though.
They may not have known when they first met, but isn’t that something that would come up on the first date? So, I graduated university in 2019, how about you? Oh - I graduated high school in 2023! Isn’t that cute? 🤢
Also, I'm just straight up calling bullshit that he didn't know he was obviously older. Teenagers don't look or act 25. He had a feeling 100% and just was totally fine with it.
Yep. Even if she did look older, it's probably like 22 at most. He knew she was much younger the first second he saw her, the fact that she may have been even younger than what he guessed is just a happy bonus for him.
Literally... My best friend, 38(f), has been flirting with a dude at her work. They were passing that flirting phase into getting to know each other and he told her he was 24. She laughed and said "ohhh honey.... You're wayyyy to young for me" and that was that. He isn't even kind of in the same stage of life. She wants to settle down, get married. Have a stable life. At 24, this kid was still partying it up and doing all the normal things most young single people do in their early 20s.
That's how age gaps should work. I can argue that once you're getting to your thirties, age doesn't matter as much. I wouldnt really bat an eye at a 30yr old and a 40 yr old, but 19 and 29? No way I will ever believe that those ages are in the same phase in life.
I had a dude come chat me up on a night out a few years ago, I thought he looked young so I asked him how old he was, he said 22, I was 35 and I told him immediately he was far too young for me and to go chat up someone his age. It astounds me that people don't get the ick in these situations. *Like, I could've babysat you.*
Ew. I wonder how long they’ve been together. Because he knew. And now she might not realize it yet, but she’s getting there. Starting the post about the age difference was my first sign
I also really have to wonder how long they were dating before she got pregnant. If she's 19 and already 8 months, then the oldest she could have been was an early 19, and that's assuming that A) she's almost 20 and B) she got knocked up almost immediately. My guess is that she was 18 which, while technically legal, feels even ickier than 19 even though it's only a year's difference. Her excuses are textbook grooming excuses too.
Also, exactly how long did they go without knowing each other's ages? That seems like a pretty normal "getting to know each other" question and I feel like it should have come up even earlier because even if she looks older, I highly doubt she looks old enough to not make sure she actually is. And unless she was actively hiding it from him, he would have known way before she got pregnant.
My husband and I got together when I was 17 and he was 22. It took me until we had 2 daughters to realize how fucked up that was and now we’re separated. One day OP will realize and I hope it’s not too late for her at that point.
Also the "we didn't realize the age gap when we first met"
How is that not one of the first things you talk about/learn about on your first date?
"What do you do for work?"
"I'm just about to graduate high school"
"oh, I graduated college 4 years ago"
What does "talk older than my age" even mean?
That dude knew he was getting with someone fresh out of high school because it's exactly how someone that young would think of themselves.
If we’re lucky she was fresh out of high school. Which would mean that they went from dating to married and pregnant in less than 2 years. Which is, in and of itself, a red flag.
She thought by saying "Yeah, there's an age gap but its irrelevant" that people would bypass it.
Instead people are telling her how his grooming her got her into the situation she's in.
It's like a drug addict going to a doctor to fix his arm that he broke when he fell down the stairs when was high and expecting the doctor to not talk about the underlying issue that made him break his arm.
I mean, I can kind of understand that, because even looking back 20 years later, I know I talked and acted older than my age. I wasn't, not really, but I presented that way. The reason is that I was from a broken home and was forced to mature at a younger age. Unfortunately, people with rough childhoods are often *more* susceptible to manipulation and grooming.
Edit: I want to emphasize that I *wasn't* actually more mature, not in any of the ways that counted. But I did come off that way to others. It also fucked me up because people telling me that I was mature for my age put pressure on me to continue acting that way and actually stunted my emotional growth overall. I had a really hard time in my mid 20's to early 30's because of it.
I thought I was SO mature at 18, like I’d roll my eyes when people said stuff like ‘you’re nor actually mature’ because “sure most 18 year olds who say they’re mature aren’t actually mature but I’m different! I really am mature”
And I explained it as going through significant trauma as a child (dad alcoholic, cheated on mom, divorce, mom died, etc many other things) and it made me grow up fast… which I did. I wasn’t as ‘childish’ as people my age.
When I ACTUALLY grew up, around 25-28, I realized how fucking dumb I was for thinking any of that.
My brain was nowhere near mature at 18. I was easily swayed and manipulated, insecure, which of course meant I ended up with an abusive ass who made jokes about my insecurities and then told me ‘I can’t take a joke’ when I said my feelings were hurt…
I realized that the fact I didn’t get to be childish wasn’t a bonus. It was a downside. It made me so convinced I was just “better” than people my age and that was why all these adult ass men wanted to talk to me and spend time with me.
No. They saw me as young, insecure, impressionable…
Luckily, I realized this already when I was 20ish and stopped dating for YEARS until I could work through all my traumas and better myself.
All this to say, OP… you don’t talk or act mature. You’re literally still a teenager. A pregnant teenager. And that is FINE because you will get to be adult and mature when you grow up and when your currently unfinished brain finishes developing.
What’s gonna happen is after you give birth, your husband will think ‘he now has you ensnared’ because it’s less likely you’ll divorce him and probably start acting shitty towards you.
You’re NTA but jeesh, I don’t envy you…
Absolutely this. What man tells his 8 month pregnant wife that his own mother comes before her? He’s a controlling mama’s boy.
What’s the betting she travels over then doesn’t leave for months if at all.
Be very wary sweetie
“My mother is the most important person in my life” to your 8 mos pregnant wife is NASTY work 😭 I hope she’s prepared for a lifetime of Mr. Mama’s Boy putting his mother’s comfort above her needs, bc that’s exactly what she signed up for.
And even if his mother is the sweetest kindest person imaginable — OP can’t communicate with her, so mama is going to do either whatever she wants or what her son tells her to do. If she isn’t controlling herself, she will be a tool to control OP with. She’s already a tool to block OOP’s mother.
Yeah, the whole “we didn’t realize it,” is a very thin argument. Like, did you just never talk about your ages? Or like… your current high school classes? Or are we to assume this marriage happened after less than a year of dating? Either way, YIKES
OP didn’t realize the age difference because her then-bf didn’t talk about parts of his life and experience that would give it away, and also avoided asking things of her that would give her age away, like about her studies. Asking about college is so typical a question from people who have been to college, for example.
Yep. As a 28yo who volunteers with high school students, there is no way I am mistaking any of them for a full grown adult. The most mature of them still CLEARLY do not have a fully-developed frontal lobe.
I know that people like her are being taken advantage of, but "I'm soo mature for my age" always takes me out. "I look and talk older" okay but you're NOT. Maturity at a young age means knowing that. Believing you are as mature as someone ten years older than you when you could have graduated high school just last year is very immature.
Though of course ultimately that is inconsequential; it was up to her husband to be the Big Adult and turn down the teenager. I WILL be judging by that every time.
OP I'm so sorry being steamrolled by someone who pretended to love you in order to take advantage of you. But this isn't love. If his mother is still the most important woman in his life, then he was not ready to get married let alone have a kid.
I don't understand why they're acting like the tickets being more expensive is such an issue. This isn't a casual visit. You will have been completely ripped open and tired and why tf is anyone telling you what THEY will do for/to you without you asking lol??
I hope that if she ends up coming that you are pleasantly surprised by how helpful she is. The positive side could be that you won't have to do chores or cook?
Still warrants a serious evaluation of your relationship though. If you can't even decide who is around when you give birth, then what will he "allow" you to decide?
Lol yeah, if only men significantly older than you are telling you that and not anyone your own age or younger, perhaps it is time to consider..........
This. We all saw that age gap and knew some fuckery was afoot; 90% of these age gap stories are just like OPs, man baby recruits younger woman to be broodmare. Tale as old as time
As soon as OP said “I talk older than my age” my spidy senses started tingling. No mature person says that. How are you not aware of an age gap? Isn’t age one of the first thing 2 adults bring up when getting to know each other?
This was my thought, too. OP, this is the man you're having a child with. He wants to make your giving birth a spectacle for his mother, he makes you more anxious and stressed with all the vague hinting, and HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL!
I completely agree, but it's also not just the age gap, it's her age period.
Forget about his age for a second. She's 19 and already married and already pregnant. A lot of the conflict here comes from not knowing her in-laws very well. She's not comfortable around her MIL and she's doesn't know how to negotiate or interact with them. Frankly, I'm not sure how well she knows her husband (or how well he knows her and her family). All that is completely reasonable at the start of a relationship - *which presumably they are still in*. That's not the time to get married, let alone have a baby.
Yup! I dated a man 11 years older than me when I was 18ish. He thought he could basically mold me into his perfect, obedient woman. His family was nice. He seemed perfect. But once he was comfortable his mask came off, and he became bossy and controlling. He quickly realized I was too stubborn to be controlled and ghosted me. Glad I didn't have kids with him. Also I'm almost 29 now and I do not understand how he even wanted anything to do with me. I see 18-19 year olds and I see children. Yall are little youngins.
Do not let him push you around. If you can't come up with a solution, his mom doesn't need to come. My FIL is going to be coming to help with my kids when my baby is born this fall. And my mom is supposed to come help with housework. I didn't want anyone in my house for at least a month after baby is born, but I will definitely need the help. We figured out a way to make us all comfortable. It requires rearranging our entire house and working out times for my mom to come over, but it's worth it for my comfort.
Isn’t it absolutely adorable when someone says I know there’s an age gap but I’m very mature, and then doesn’t recognize when the abuse starts. He’s already laying the groundwork to isolate her from her family. He’s already twisting everything she says to get his way. This isn’t going to end well.
Yup, and I bet anything she's not gonna accept this as fact. She'll delete this and her account and end up miserable and probably baby trapped w even more. She'll realize later on, I hope that's not what happens, but.....
That's exactly it. This is why older people tend to go for younger people. This is true with men and women. They go after younger people because they don't have the same life experience and they're easier to manipulate.
All the young women in here always come and post some crazy abusive shit, and then claim that *their* age gap in their relationship is the exception.
It never is. If it was, you wouldn't be here.
I’ll bet the farm that they met in a creepy church or similar religious community.
It’s always that when there’s a creepy age gap when marrying a teenager. 🤮
> because I look and talk older than my age,
No, you don't. Literally *every single groomee* who posts on here believes that.
One day you're going to see this, too, and you're going to be angry. You probably seemed exactly your age when your creep BD started pursuing you.
Last night my boyfriend and I were joking about how much we thought we knew at 19, because we had just graduated. Then at 21 we laughed at our past selves for thinking that *now* we were adults now that we could drink. At 23 we laughed at how much we thought we thought we knew, but *now* we’re actual adults because we have been out of school for 5 years. I’m 25, and we now realize how childish we were at all of those points, and can’t wait to see what we think of our 25 year olds selves in a few years. My heart hurts for OP, she is still a child and it will be years before she realizes what’s happened. I also have to wonder if she’s 19 now and 8 months pregnant and married, when did the groomer meet her?
Oh my God, I was going to say the same thing but forgot the fact she's 8 months pregnant at 19... They had to have either known each other long enough for her to be underage or it was rushed...
Yes! Literally nobody above 21 is proud to be "older" than you are.
You only have to point out your mature if your are not mature. If you have to point out things there mostly not true.
I looked older as a very young teen, I could buy cigarettes at 13, but I always felt that I sounded exactly my age. I never once thought I sounded older so I feel the same as you. No she sounds like the teenager she is! And saying she sounds older than she is does sound very immature!
I had the opposite problem and looked like a kid into my mid teens. I could drive to the movies and only pay the ‘12 and under’ tickets. The very pregnant me was asked at a grocery store by a church ran charity that helps ‘teen moms’ If I needed any assistance.
I was 24.
I was carded into my early 40’s.
Yeah, my 17 year old nephew is happy when people tell him he looks older than he is. Which he actually does because he’s a very tall and stocky teenager, but as soon as you start talking to him it would be a dead giveaway. Even though he’s a smart kid too, he’s still very obviously a kid. And I’ve told him when he gets older he won’t want people to think he’s older than he is 😆.
>I talk older than my age”
Right like what does this even mean? You don't use slang? You talk "sophisticated"/"regal"? You're able to hold adult conversations with creepy older men who likely ignore the potentially ignorant things you say just to sleep with you, like your husband?
Humility is a virtue.
Yes, how does she talk “older”? Make random references to when she was in college?
Looks are one thing, abilities another, but experience tells. Unless you’re hiding it, which her husband probably was.
Yep, he said that to butter you up. The fact is, the fact you thought getting married to a much older guy is a red flag. What’s going to happen during labor, after labor, when she’s no longer a teenager? I’ll give you one guess, OP. Women his age saw right through him, hence why he went younger.
Why if you are so mature did you think it wise to get pregnant right away?? Were you 18 when you guys met?? No one needs someone to help with a baby. There are 2 of you. You don't seem to be going back to work. Putting people in your living room isn't comfortable or allowing for good sleep or privacy. Most mature women would be worrying about their job or being in college.
Part of the reason that this is an issue in the first place and a lot of women end up abused or even killed is because they couldn't find a way out or are thoroughly convinced by the abuser it's normal. He definitely groomed her and manipulated her so she might have been looking for an out. Keep in mind she is a very young adult still learning and thus is more vulnerable and susceptible than you or I are with experience. We shouldn't shame her for seeking opinions when this could be what helps her
Yes, you are right. But I think she needs to understand how her youth and lack of wisdom are part of the play here. This may still turn out fine with her husband, a baby gets you growing up real quick, but it doesn't sound like she has any control in her own life, it's all him. Hard to advise her with so much of it being a child and marriage too late. She is a mom now, and must learn to assert herself. How does a young girl like this regain her "power" now? I'm so glad I'm old. World was simpler 35 years ago.
Hi, child and teen who was groomed here. I knew my son's dad when I was 14, when we got together I was 16... And he was 36. Pregnant at 17, turned 18 a month after my son was born. I just wanted to say, the one thing that groomers love to do is completely isolate you from your friends and family/make sure that everyone sees them one way, when really they are another.
>All of what he said made me feel like, my comfort and needs came second and my family came completely last.
Please understand OP that this is the start of what I mentioned above, right now it's him not wanting your mom here or wanting to keep her low contact. Then he wants his mom here because it suits *his* needs, not yours. This is just the beginning, I know at the time of writing you are 19 and didn't specify when you met, but I think you did so for a reason. You knew that the comments would be focused on it and you wrote the same wording the user above mentioned because that's the same story a lot of us are fed and told to feed to others.
I just want to caution you, a lot of abusive people tend to take their masks off after having children. If you feel this way now, and the baby isn't even here yet, imagine what it will be like when you feel that way constantly? You are already at the stage where you question yourself, asking things such as "am I crazy? Maybe xyz is why he's acting this way, maybe it's me that's the problem." I absolutely hate that you are at this stage, I lived with those same damn questions for too many years...
If I could give you a word of advice, it would be to [understand relationship abuse and other signs ](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/) What I just linked there is the national hotline, which is a site and also number to call for abuse. That specific page is on relationship abuse, warning signs of abuse, power and control, why people abuse. I suggest reading ALL of them, because you yourself may think he's fine now, but it doesn't usually go uphill from here.
Also remember that abuse can be-verbal, emotional, financial, sexual etc. as someone who grew up horrendously abused in all forms by family, then moved onto abusive partners, I can tell you that the emotional and verbal stay longer than the physical effects. Please make sure your needs are taken care of first, and your baby's needs too.
Right?? When OP is 28, they’re most likely going to look at 19yos and think about the concept of wanting to marry and have a baby with one and realize how fucked up this is.
An almost 30 year old knocks up a teenager and then railroads her. But you think the age gap is irrelevant. A 30 year old woman has the maturity, confidence, and authority to push back on this that a teenager does not have. In 15 years, you will look back and realize how naive you were.
OP, please read this and consider the truth behind it. I know you don’t want to believe it, but it’s so very true and you’re in for a miserable recovery and a higher likelihood of PPD/PPA if you don’t stand up for yourself and prioritize your comfort and your ability to bond with your new baby.
They always say “don’t worry about/don’t judge the age gap” then proceed to describe a stereotypical inequitably balanced relationship that’s straight out of the Age Gap playbook. Amazing.
Yeah poor teen is probably going to be railroaded by husband and his mom. I bet his mom will be in the delivery room even though she doesn’t want that. This is going to end so sad.
I'm so sorry but you're having a baby with someone who doesn't care about what you want or need. You explained what you want and why. He should be doing what you need. Also, the comment about "his" kid is a biiiiiiiiiiiiiig red flag. He's not going to give birth, thats you, and you should be able to be confortable at home when you're back from the hospital and with people that you're also confortable with. I think you need to put your foot down with this one, and he should REALLY think about you now.
Yes, also OP says she and the MIL don't speak the same language. How is she going to help effectively when they can't understand one another. I worry that not having help from someone on her side and/or can understand and support OP properly might make her prone to ppd or isolation.
I get why everyone is jumping on the age gap, but I fear that will only make her defensive. More people should be talking about the issue she actually wants to talk about. And let her realize on her own how much of that comes from being manipulated by someone older.
You should stay with your mom when you first come home. That way you can rest just like he wants.
Think about that statement that his mom is the most important person in his life. And that she needs to be there for “his” child.
She will be telling you how to take care of your baby and he will back her up. You’ll be lucky if you get to hold the baby
YOU are the one that will be recovering from a major medical event - and a trauma to your body. No one should be adding stress to your life
After I had my first child my husband was home to help for the first two weeks, my mom popped in and offered to help if needed. She lived a few minutes away. My in-laws lived several states. I told my husband 8 weeks- the baby will still be small, but I will have gotten into my routine as a mother. So they came at 8 weeks.
Personally if your husband, who is a huge red flag, doesn’t listen to you. I’d just go to my mom’s house early. Then stay there after the baby is born. Good luck 🍀
Your husband is way out of line. How dare he make this about his mother. This should be about you and what you need.
You need to put your foot down and say no. Your comfort comes first. Also if his mother is the most important person in his life then he has no business being married.
This isn't a communication issue. You have clearly communicated what you want. He simply doesn't give a shit about what you want.
It's disgusting that he's treating you this way.
I agree. OP has a partner problem. Partner needs to man up, cut the apron strings, and start choosing/prioritizing his chosen family.
Giving birth is a major medical event, *for OP.* OP needs a partner that will *prioritize his new family’s needs* over his mommy’s feelings. OP doesn’t know how the delivery will go, how she will be feeling, bleeding, sore, stitches, blood clots exiting, and *why* would OP want someone she barely knows intruding on her recovery?!? OP needs a partner who will advocate for her, her care, her infant, etc. Not a 28 year old mommy’s boy still stuck on the teat.
Imagine being 8 days from your due date and someone you barely know is in your home on vagina watch. You feel huge and uncomfortable, can’t sleep, and someone’s nose is always in your business? No thanks!
Sure, partner’s mommy dearest can visit after, once OP has recovered. The first priority after birth should be infant, OP, OP’s comfort, OP’s recovery. Then visitors.
You forgot someone who you can't even communicate with without your husband translating. This has fuc4in disaster written all over it. I feel very sorry for OP
He is not in love with her and she seems unaware of this. It will break her heart when she does figure it out. I hope the coming child doesn't suffer too much with these two parents.
I'm wondering if there's a possibility you could just move in with your mom after you give birth at least for a little while. Your husband and his mommy can come visit you at intervals.
I know you don't want to here it, but he groomed you.
Your 19 and near birth , so you were 18 when you got pregnant. I assume you to were dating before. So two years ago you were minor and he was 26. That is not OK. No normal adult man would date a teen.
And no you are not "mature for your age", you are a normal teen and he knows how to use it to his benefit.
Now that your married and pregnant he thinks he has enough control about you too show his true intentions.
Unless she’s almost 20, but even still, yeah, that’s not good. If they’re married, they almost certainly got together when she was a minor or they got married WAY too fast. People should be together for like two years minimum before they get engaged.
Also, if OP was mature for her age, she wouldn’t be pregnant. I know a lot of people who have had kids young, and it’s always those people who I think are the last people who should have children before they’re 25.
You should both read the [Lemon Clot Essay](https://community.babycenter.com/post/a37726111/the_infamous_bbc_lemon_clot_essay) together. The weeks after birth are for your physical and emotional survival, and you need someone present who is looking out for your needs and not just that of your baby and husband.
You are not the problem. You are having a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation your partner is creating. You communicate your feelings; he overreacts; repeat cycle. Your partner actually said his mom is the “most important person in his life.” Not you, not the baby. His *mom*.
Yikes. He may have told you that “you are mature for your age” but he is immature for his age. You are allowed to say “no” to any visitors or houseguests at any time, especially right after you give birth.
NTA>
And also, "Yes, I am aware of the age gap, but we didn’t realize it when we first met because I look and talk older than my age, and he has a baby face."
We can give YOU a pass on this bc you thought/think you're mature and act old that your age (you're not based on what was written) but your gross husband going after someone who was at prom that same year...gross
I can't seem to get past the age gap. You're 19F and 8 months pregnant and he's 28M. Seems like there was at least some grooming going on and possibly pedophilia.
even if they did get together before she turned 18 as she says in a comment, it’s pretty clear this guy is a manipulative asshole who groomed her. the way he has her thinking that “i look and talk mature for my age”, it’s fully possible that they got together before she turned 18 and he groomed her to lie about it, saying some garbage like “the world wouldn’t understand our love”. i really hope OP sees that this isn’t love, she’s in an abusive relationship and has been groomed.
you’re my age lol, i know you said not to get on you for your age but…I’m gonna do it anyways. you’re not mature for your age, and there’s a reason (literally in this post) why he’s not dating women his age. you’re way to young to be settling down with a 30 year old man, especially a momma’s boy
I’m 21, and the oldest man I would date would be 23. Youngest I would go is 20, *maybe* an older 19. I feel like OP thinks that older people just see her as immature, so her defense that she’s mature is meant to ward them off or something, so I feel that she needs to hear from people her own age that THIS IS NOT NORMAL. This guy is a fucking creep.
I hope she sees the light.
Lol. He knew you were younger. 19 is 19. You guys aren't special, I'm sorry.
Also, he just told you where you rank and it's below mommy. Have fun always coming second in your own marriage at a minimum.
NTA but that you can't tell you're in the right and he's being pushy and rude and putting his wants above your needs is kinda indicative of why he chose to impregnate a teenager.
I guarantee you she’ll show up and “help” by holding the baby while you do everything. If you complain he’ll make you feel bad about it. I’m sorry you trapped yourself with him, but there’s a reason he chose you. At 19, you’re still young, even if mature, but you’re not nearly 30. It makes a difference. Whatever you do, don’t count on him being supportive or caring about your needs. I’m sorry OP. NTA.
"You'd be shocked to hear what my mom did when my sister's gave birth!"
Girl, he doesn't want his mom to come so she can help with cooking and cleaning. He wants her to come so she can be a grandma birth tourist! He's going to make your post partum into a Disneyland for his Baby-rabies momma. It will all be about her.
SHUT THIS DOWN NOW! Your baby is not MILs latest fashion accessory, they're a human, and you're a human who will have just pushed them out of your body.
Updateme
Yes! On top of all that, the guy's sisters are the mom's daughters. Of course the relationship would be different than the one OP has with MIL.
Maybe the daughters did want their mom to be there and everything was great! But again, she's their mom, not OP's. Totally different dynamic.
Yep. Husband has been planning ways to have MIL to get all her baby jollies and no time planning how to help OP. Even if MIL doesn't come, it's going to be a hard post partum stretch. He'll demand that shee cook and clean per usual.
Why can’t your husband cook and clean for you when you have the baby? The fact he said his mom is the most importantly and it’s HIS baby should concern you. Seriously, to stay with your mom after the baby is born.
You can’t have two people staying in the house when your baby’s born. It will add too much stress.
NTA. This special time is for you and the baby and YOUR needs, not your husband’s.
Your husband has stated through both verbal language, and behavioral language, that you are not the most important person in his life. He doesn't view you as his partner.
Adults don't think other people they consider to be adults are "mature for their age." They think that about and say that to people who they think of as children.
I know that you *think* that the age difference isn’t part of this but it absolutely is. Quite seriously, if it was me, I’d be going and staying with my mom BEFORE the baby is born. Your husband sounds like he’s controlling and if I am reading it accurately, that’s only going to get worse once baby is born.
This is one of the most vulnerable times in your life. And your husband wants to move his mother into your home during it… someone you don’t really know and doesn’t speak the same language as you. How does that help you? If your husband’s intentions are pure, there’s no reason why you can’t stay with your mom while you build a relationship with his mother. And if your husband *really* has your comfort in mind, he would be listening when you tell him what you are *and are not* comfortable with. But this whole thing screams control to me.
I DO have to say that I really don’t understand why it’s so necessary that someone comes and stays with new parents after the birth of a child. I have 5 kids. The days/weeks/months following my babies’ births was when we bonded as a family. We had visitors and people might bring prepared meals but we didn’t have anyone “move in”. I would have HATED that!
Edit-typo
Oh my gosh I stopped reading at his mom is the most important person in his life. Leave him before the baby is born. She needs to never move in and can visit once you say that you’re ready for short visits. If he can’t agree then this won’t work. Together they’ll make your life hell!
See - and now you understand why he couldn't find a woman his own age - he's a Mama's boy.
You are the one carrying that baby. You are the one that will be recovering. ALL that matters is YOUR comfort. Scheduling his mother's arrival BEFORE the birth, after having agreed to her arriving after your mom had done the first round of parental support is UTTER bullshit.
Your comfort is all that matters right now - not him keeping his mommy happy.
even removing the age gap… there’s big red flags here girl.
1. why does he jump to “you don’t like my mom” in the first conversation when you’re trying to just explain your comfort level? how long did it take him to apologize?
2. why did he IMMEDIATELY do it again when you just want your mom postpartum?
3. how often does he insinuate his family is “better?”
4. how often do you have to walk away from conversations because he doesn’t listen to your point?
5. does he care about your feelings ever?
he wants her to come now so that he can manipulate you into letting his mother watch you give birth. when you get home she is going to do nothing but hold the baby and make snide comments about how dirty your house is and complain to your husband that she doesn't feel wanted, and you husband will get upset with you and demand you let his mother do whatever she wants. You will be so stressed out you will have trouble breastfeeding which his mother will love because then she can formula feed your baby and that way she doesn't need you at all....and then you will wonder why you have PPD.
This. You won’t be able to breastfeed with an audience.
If she was going to help, she would cook and clean so you could care for the baby. I bet she will want YOU to cook and clean so SHE can care for the baby. Unless she’s tired, or wants to take care of your other baby (husband). Then you’re on your own.
You are giving birth so you are the one who decides. Decide what is best for you and tell him that. This has got nothing to do how you feel about his family. He should put you and your feelings first. I hope everything works out for you.
I would be mortified if my 30 year old son considered me the most important person in his life. That’s fucked up. Like, REALLY fucked up. It would mean I failed as a mother and my son was incapable of growing up.
Go over to JustNoMIL and read those posts. Look up “The Lemon Clot Essay”. You need to step up and shine your spine and tell him too bad so sad his mama is gonna have to wait. Do you work? If not, then you’re going to be home with baby for foreseeable future. So mom can come later. Like book ticket 4 weeks after due date.
I’ll tell you this right now, everyone else saying age gap is a factor is absolutely right. He was looking for someone he can control. So you need to open your eyes and decide if you’re going to be passive and allow him to run everything or take some control back. This is your child as much as his, but you are the one giving birth, recovering and taking care of this child. Your wishes are paramount. The other thing is women having been giving birth for millions of years and most of them in all that time didn’t have someone cooking and cleaning for them. Is it nice to have help? Sure. Is it necessary? No.
With his mom coming over…what’s her return date? Make sure if you have her come he buys a round trip ticket. After all they are cheaper than one way. Set a time limit. I’m betting he will make a fuss about that.
It’s wild to me the amount of people who know what someone else’s genitalia feels like but not their age…
I mean, I get it, you don’t want to ask and find out the person you’re banging is underage as you suspected but as the younger party asking someone’s age gives you a chance to ponder hmmmm why is this 30/40 year old still single, how many red flags do you think I should look out for. /s
You "talk older than your age"? Honey, you vocab younger than your age. No fool would be convinced that you're older than 16 based on what you've written here.
You don’t need all that help. You need to learn how to be a mom and trust yourself. You can’t do that with your mother-in-law breathing down your neck and your husband expecting you to defer to her because of her “experience”. All this will accomplish is making you resent both of them. Personally, I have a cool, merely superficially cordial relationship with my in-laws after many years of having them involve themselves in many aspects of my life that should have been between me and my husband and/or kids. You need to shut it down. It’ll be hard (it gets easier) but you need to set a precedent. Begin as you mean to go on.
Also, my in-laws were also the type not to stay in motels. Their frequent two week visits, taking over my house, quite literally nearly led to me having a nervous breakdown. After a big blow up with my husband, he told them *I* did not allow them to stay with us anymore (which wasn’t actually true, I just wanted shorter visits). I was embarrassed at first but then I embraced it. I was finally free. And now my in-laws have the audacity to talk about how they enjoy staying in hotels. They apparently just had to nearly drive me insane before they could enjoy it.
Don’t be me.
I'm sorry, but he groomed you. This is the only reason he's with you. He found he could easily manipulate you. You need to leave him before you give birth. This isn't about his mom coming over. This is for your safety. Talk to your mom about this now.
Just go stay with your mom once the baby is born. Your husband can come visit, and once you feel ready, you can move back into your home. Also, you alone get to decide who you want in the room when you give birth.
All of these comments about women his age not wanting him, while probably true, aren’t going to help you now.
YOUR comfort matters most now and the family you’ve created is supposed to matter more to him than the family he came from.
If he’s so hell bent on having mommy come stay at your home, I suggest you get discharged to YOUR mom’s house. Postpartum is **hard** and the added stress of guests you don’t want around isn’t going to help.
I learned that the hard way after my first.
NTA.
NTA. You are the one going through the last month of pregnancy, you will be the one recovering while also bonding with your baby. Aside from the needs of the baby of course, you are the adult whose needs and comfort should be supported 100%. No one else.
OP, I understand why you are uncomfortable. He’s making it about him and his relationship with his mother and about what she wants instead of making you the priority. You have every right to be the utmost priority and that means your preferences come first for giving birth. You can adore your mother in law and still not want her there right at the beginning.
I was in a similar situation. His mom very much wanted to help; however, she wasn’t my mother and I couldn’t even speak to her. She had her own way of doing things that were different from what I wanted. It was very uncomfortable having her in our home for lengthy periods of time. I can’t imagine what it would have been like with a newborn. If he wants to buy tickets now, he can buy them for a month after your due date. That’s a compromise. Steamrolling over your reasonable wishes is not.
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His mom is the most important person in his life despite having a pregnant wife? This is not going to turn out well, OP. The age gap is enough to cast a great deal of doubt on the relationship, but the way he is behaving about his mother.. It's possible it'll be fine, but it's a lot of red flags.
Exactly. No woman his age would accept a man that puts his mother above his pregnant wife. OP has a lot to learn and is now bringing a baby into the world with her groomer. Be so careful who you have kids with.
But she is so mature. 🙄 she wrote she looks and acts old for her age. Ok girl, but you need to think maturely. Not just look older. This poor kid.
Yeah, he definitely "didn't realise" an immature teenager was a lot younger than him.
But he has a baby face 👶. Stupid teens thinking they are so mature and then you reading stories like this where they are so easily manipulated and intimidated. So predictable
As a former “stupid teen” I agree
Seriously. My 14yo looks 20. Doesn't help that she's 5'11" either! As soon as she speaks, though, you know you've just got a tall teenager in front of you. OP is in for a world of hurt.
He knows this. 18/19 is a lot easier to manipulate than a 28 year old.
She's literally listing all his red flags for this age gap relationship she sounds older than she is, so it's not age related. /s "He doesn't consider my feelings." Yeah, because he's older, and he knows best. /s I'm all for everyone loving their moms, but if my husband said his was the most important person in his life, I'd respond with, "Go live with her then."
That’s why he groomed a teenager because he knows no sane, strong, adult woman would date, marry, and have a child with him. Classssic groomer move. I feel bad for OP but I wish she could have known better (she’s clearly very immature).
And if she thinks his mom is going to go home, she's in for a shock. That'll be her next Reddit post. "MIL only lets me have my baby to breastfeed, doesn't clean up after herself, and won't go home."
Even without the age gap, his behavior has more red flags than a Soviet military parade.
Now you see why women his own age don't want him
You're finding out why he wasn't already dating or married to a woman his age. Christ, girl. You're not "mature for your age," he knew you'd be easier to manipulate and control because of the vast difference in life experience you both have. NTA, obviously.
Ding ding ding ding! You nailed it. Also, his statement that his mom is the most important person in his life, makes him sound like a total mommy's boy
Right?! I can’t imagine being 8mo pregnant and having my partner look me in the eye and tell me his mother is the **MOST** important person in his life.
Truthfully though, it's not that surprising when you're knocking up a teenager.
Beat me to it, lol. Not to mention that a normal, well-adjusted man would've turned and left after noticing the age difference. Now she's finding out why the guy isn't with women that are his own age *(or around it)*.
I would have told him to go live with his mother and leave you and the baby alone.
Yeah, this was a huge 🚩for me.
That part. Very disconcerning. His wife is supposed to be the most important person in his life. Moreover, he’s very adept at passive aggressive manipulation.
If his mom is so important to him, why didn't he learn cooking and cleaning skills from her so he could be a good parent and partner?
Wanna bet that’s “women’s work”?!
Right! The most important people in his life now should be the mother of his child and his child.
She didnt even catch that part. Even if she says no, the most important person in her husband's life will be there anyway!
If he’s as misogynistic as I think he is, his mother isn’t coming to *help*, but to **instruct**.
And judge
Or maybe to stay permanently !
I think she is coming to stay. He probably wants his wife to work. Now they have a live-in sitter.
Please stand there and tell me, with a straight face , that this was not all planned by him ahead of time. Seriously???
He also seems to get distressed/offended very easily.
Well, she rejected his wif-I mean mother.
He is married and having a baby, and mommy is more important thing to him? Yeah, that's a huge problem. Mommy should be ashamed.
Not to mention, the kid is "his".
I fucking hate when the young girls in these posts try to defend the age gap with “oh I made the first move” “it’s not his fault I just look older for my age” like girl. You may have made the first move and maybe he didn’t realize just how young you were. But the difference between him and a non-creepy guy is that he continued on after learning your age then fucking married you. A normal guy would have learned your age, said “yikes, sorry about that!” And moved on with his life.
This this here 💯 so on point Being Mature means recognizing mistakes and learning from them. SMH
Exactly what I was gonna say next. If OP was really so mature for her age she’d have recognized what a creep this guy was way before she ever got to the point of marriage and a baby.
Or later, she’d realize that he’d been hiding things about himself in order to pass for younger.
Speaking of learning from mistakes, move back in with your mom immediately OP. It’s time he decide on the most important person in his life and let him know you gave birth, you make the rules. He can have visitation or he can change. Grow a shiny spine fast.
This! This! This! OP, you need to feel calm & safe, your husband sounds like he'll happily have his mommy take over *everything.* Where does that leave you? An organic incubator? An outsider in your own home? Is he expecting his mommy to be present at the actual birth?
I hope OP sees this
Exactly. She’s 19, 8 months pregnant and married. Meaning this dude wasted no time upon learning she newly turned 18, or was pursuing her from before she was 18. My math may be off but it still doesn’t excuse the 9 year age gap between an almost 30 year old and a barely legal teenager. Also, I never knew a single teenager, myself included at the time, who was told “you’re mature for your age” by anyone other than an adult. Children don’t say this to each other!
Also, you’ve got to add some time on for them to get married too. Depending on how recently she turned 19, there’s a high chance she got pregnant at 18. I somehow doubt she got pregnant the first time she ever met him and then married him too, surely they must have known each other a bit, potentially putting her at 17 or younger, whilst he is still in his late 20s.
>Also, I never knew a single teenager, myself included at the time, who was told “you’re mature for your age” by anyone other than an adult. Children don’t say this to each other! Yes. And she's missing a creep-o-meter if she doesn't find that observation creepy in and of itself. Including the evergreen "You're [actual age]? You look older and more mature than [insert age]!". I told my 13 YO that if anyone visibly older than her ever says that to her before she's in her 30s, she should respond with "Ew, you're a disgusting creep." and get as much physical distance from that person as possible in the situation. (I've had at least one person **remark that to me**, about my daughter. It was followed by a long silence and: "She's 13, and I think she acts and looks like a 13 year old. Which is to say immature and still needing protection from most adults." Followed by more uncomfortable silence. I realize they may have been well meaning but clueless, but I don't think that kind of remarks should go unnoticed, or worse acquiesced via silence, just the same.)
Seriously. They manipulate them into making the first move. There should be a whole "so you think you were mature for your age" sub.
This is 💯 what I've been trying to drill into my sister's head. She met him when she was 14 and he was 19. She claimed 17 at first but when he found out, the creep didn't break it off. She's now 23 and he's assaulted 2 of our family members and stared at my thighs and breasts so obviously that my oblivious ass noticed. Thankfully she seems absolutely fed up with how controlling he's been and seems to be done with him but I'm so worried she's going to change her mind.
I like to find out if women are 19 *before* I impregnate them.
And that was 8 months ago, so she was likely 18 to his 27 or 28.
What I want to know is when they even met. She’s only 19 and they’re already married. So even if she was about to turn 20 tomorrow, that means if they started dating the day she turned 18, that’s only 2 years that they dated, got engaged, got married and pregnant. That’s the maximum amount of time, in reality I’m sure it’s been shorter since if OP was about to turn 20 she probably would have said that. I do believe they probably got together on or close to her 18th birthday though.
My guess is that they tied the knot when they found out she was pregnant and it's not some whirlwind "romance".
No matter. Seems like this marriage won't last too long. She will be a single mom with a baby daddy and ex inlaw trying to control her childs life.😰
And like, that's assuming he knocked her up pretty much right away
Oh she’s 19 NOW. She was 18 when he impregnated her.
100% she was groomed no way they weren’t together before she turned 18
Bingo. Poor kid is doomed. She’s defending the age gap.
exactly. Children can make a move on adults, but this is an adult's job to shoo kids away
This is like “Beat it kid, you bother me! Oh wait, you’re kinda hot”
You can hear how manipulative he is no wonder she’s confused. This is exactly how he manipulated her into being w him
They may not have known when they first met, but isn’t that something that would come up on the first date? So, I graduated university in 2019, how about you? Oh - I graduated high school in 2023! Isn’t that cute? 🤢
Also, I'm just straight up calling bullshit that he didn't know he was obviously older. Teenagers don't look or act 25. He had a feeling 100% and just was totally fine with it.
Yep. Even if she did look older, it's probably like 22 at most. He knew she was much younger the first second he saw her, the fact that she may have been even younger than what he guessed is just a happy bonus for him.
Literally... My best friend, 38(f), has been flirting with a dude at her work. They were passing that flirting phase into getting to know each other and he told her he was 24. She laughed and said "ohhh honey.... You're wayyyy to young for me" and that was that. He isn't even kind of in the same stage of life. She wants to settle down, get married. Have a stable life. At 24, this kid was still partying it up and doing all the normal things most young single people do in their early 20s. That's how age gaps should work. I can argue that once you're getting to your thirties, age doesn't matter as much. I wouldnt really bat an eye at a 30yr old and a 40 yr old, but 19 and 29? No way I will ever believe that those ages are in the same phase in life.
I had a dude come chat me up on a night out a few years ago, I thought he looked young so I asked him how old he was, he said 22, I was 35 and I told him immediately he was far too young for me and to go chat up someone his age. It astounds me that people don't get the ick in these situations. *Like, I could've babysat you.*
Ew. I wonder how long they’ve been together. Because he knew. And now she might not realize it yet, but she’s getting there. Starting the post about the age difference was my first sign
I also really have to wonder how long they were dating before she got pregnant. If she's 19 and already 8 months, then the oldest she could have been was an early 19, and that's assuming that A) she's almost 20 and B) she got knocked up almost immediately. My guess is that she was 18 which, while technically legal, feels even ickier than 19 even though it's only a year's difference. Her excuses are textbook grooming excuses too. Also, exactly how long did they go without knowing each other's ages? That seems like a pretty normal "getting to know each other" question and I feel like it should have come up even earlier because even if she looks older, I highly doubt she looks old enough to not make sure she actually is. And unless she was actively hiding it from him, he would have known way before she got pregnant.
Right? She’s 19 and 8 months pregnant. How old was she when they met? 18? 17? Christ on a cracker that’s just a no for me!
My husband and I got together when I was 17 and he was 22. It took me until we had 2 daughters to realize how fucked up that was and now we’re separated. One day OP will realize and I hope it’s not too late for her at that point.
Also the "we didn't realize the age gap when we first met" How is that not one of the first things you talk about/learn about on your first date? "What do you do for work?" "I'm just about to graduate high school" "oh, I graduated college 4 years ago"
Classic grooming tactic
"because I look and talk older then my age" Typical grooming tactic as well
What does "talk older than my age" even mean? That dude knew he was getting with someone fresh out of high school because it's exactly how someone that young would think of themselves.
It is translate in "your too young too know better so I praise you to manipulat you“ Only teens want to be older than they are.
That's for damn sure.
She probably used a big word and was like “yup I act and talk like I’m 30”
If we’re lucky she was fresh out of high school. Which would mean that they went from dating to married and pregnant in less than 2 years. Which is, in and of itself, a red flag.
She does manage to avoid mentioning how long they'd been dating.
Answers aren't going quite how she hoped ,Don't think she will reply to that over embarrassent
She thought by saying "Yeah, there's an age gap but its irrelevant" that people would bypass it. Instead people are telling her how his grooming her got her into the situation she's in. It's like a drug addict going to a doctor to fix his arm that he broke when he fell down the stairs when was high and expecting the doctor to not talk about the underlying issue that made him break his arm.
I mean, I can kind of understand that, because even looking back 20 years later, I know I talked and acted older than my age. I wasn't, not really, but I presented that way. The reason is that I was from a broken home and was forced to mature at a younger age. Unfortunately, people with rough childhoods are often *more* susceptible to manipulation and grooming. Edit: I want to emphasize that I *wasn't* actually more mature, not in any of the ways that counted. But I did come off that way to others. It also fucked me up because people telling me that I was mature for my age put pressure on me to continue acting that way and actually stunted my emotional growth overall. I had a really hard time in my mid 20's to early 30's because of it.
I thought I was SO mature at 18, like I’d roll my eyes when people said stuff like ‘you’re nor actually mature’ because “sure most 18 year olds who say they’re mature aren’t actually mature but I’m different! I really am mature” And I explained it as going through significant trauma as a child (dad alcoholic, cheated on mom, divorce, mom died, etc many other things) and it made me grow up fast… which I did. I wasn’t as ‘childish’ as people my age. When I ACTUALLY grew up, around 25-28, I realized how fucking dumb I was for thinking any of that. My brain was nowhere near mature at 18. I was easily swayed and manipulated, insecure, which of course meant I ended up with an abusive ass who made jokes about my insecurities and then told me ‘I can’t take a joke’ when I said my feelings were hurt… I realized that the fact I didn’t get to be childish wasn’t a bonus. It was a downside. It made me so convinced I was just “better” than people my age and that was why all these adult ass men wanted to talk to me and spend time with me. No. They saw me as young, insecure, impressionable… Luckily, I realized this already when I was 20ish and stopped dating for YEARS until I could work through all my traumas and better myself. All this to say, OP… you don’t talk or act mature. You’re literally still a teenager. A pregnant teenager. And that is FINE because you will get to be adult and mature when you grow up and when your currently unfinished brain finishes developing. What’s gonna happen is after you give birth, your husband will think ‘he now has you ensnared’ because it’s less likely you’ll divorce him and probably start acting shitty towards you. You’re NTA but jeesh, I don’t envy you…
Absolutely this. What man tells his 8 month pregnant wife that his own mother comes before her? He’s a controlling mama’s boy. What’s the betting she travels over then doesn’t leave for months if at all. Be very wary sweetie
“My mother is the most important person in my life” to your 8 mos pregnant wife is NASTY work 😭 I hope she’s prepared for a lifetime of Mr. Mama’s Boy putting his mother’s comfort above her needs, bc that’s exactly what she signed up for.
And even if his mother is the sweetest kindest person imaginable — OP can’t communicate with her, so mama is going to do either whatever she wants or what her son tells her to do. If she isn’t controlling herself, she will be a tool to control OP with. She’s already a tool to block OOP’s mother.
Yeah, the whole “we didn’t realize it,” is a very thin argument. Like, did you just never talk about your ages? Or like… your current high school classes? Or are we to assume this marriage happened after less than a year of dating? Either way, YIKES
OP didn’t realize the age difference because her then-bf didn’t talk about parts of his life and experience that would give it away, and also avoided asking things of her that would give her age away, like about her studies. Asking about college is so typical a question from people who have been to college, for example.
Exactly, he’s married to his mommy and never grew up. Sad.
Yep. As a 28yo who volunteers with high school students, there is no way I am mistaking any of them for a full grown adult. The most mature of them still CLEARLY do not have a fully-developed frontal lobe.
I know that people like her are being taken advantage of, but "I'm soo mature for my age" always takes me out. "I look and talk older" okay but you're NOT. Maturity at a young age means knowing that. Believing you are as mature as someone ten years older than you when you could have graduated high school just last year is very immature. Though of course ultimately that is inconsequential; it was up to her husband to be the Big Adult and turn down the teenager. I WILL be judging by that every time. OP I'm so sorry being steamrolled by someone who pretended to love you in order to take advantage of you. But this isn't love. If his mother is still the most important woman in his life, then he was not ready to get married let alone have a kid. I don't understand why they're acting like the tickets being more expensive is such an issue. This isn't a casual visit. You will have been completely ripped open and tired and why tf is anyone telling you what THEY will do for/to you without you asking lol?? I hope that if she ends up coming that you are pleasantly surprised by how helpful she is. The positive side could be that you won't have to do chores or cook? Still warrants a serious evaluation of your relationship though. If you can't even decide who is around when you give birth, then what will he "allow" you to decide?
Also, it's more like you THINK you look and talk older. You probably don't.
Lol yeah, if only men significantly older than you are telling you that and not anyone your own age or younger, perhaps it is time to consider..........
Who wants to bet on baby trapping and justifying getting married so fast because of the pregnancy?
This. We all saw that age gap and knew some fuckery was afoot; 90% of these age gap stories are just like OPs, man baby recruits younger woman to be broodmare. Tale as old as time
Ironically, saying you’re mature for your age implies immaturity
As soon as OP said “I talk older than my age” my spidy senses started tingling. No mature person says that. How are you not aware of an age gap? Isn’t age one of the first thing 2 adults bring up when getting to know each other?
This was my thought, too. OP, this is the man you're having a child with. He wants to make your giving birth a spectacle for his mother, he makes you more anxious and stressed with all the vague hinting, and HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL!
I completely agree, but it's also not just the age gap, it's her age period. Forget about his age for a second. She's 19 and already married and already pregnant. A lot of the conflict here comes from not knowing her in-laws very well. She's not comfortable around her MIL and she's doesn't know how to negotiate or interact with them. Frankly, I'm not sure how well she knows her husband (or how well he knows her and her family). All that is completely reasonable at the start of a relationship - *which presumably they are still in*. That's not the time to get married, let alone have a baby.
Yup! I dated a man 11 years older than me when I was 18ish. He thought he could basically mold me into his perfect, obedient woman. His family was nice. He seemed perfect. But once he was comfortable his mask came off, and he became bossy and controlling. He quickly realized I was too stubborn to be controlled and ghosted me. Glad I didn't have kids with him. Also I'm almost 29 now and I do not understand how he even wanted anything to do with me. I see 18-19 year olds and I see children. Yall are little youngins. Do not let him push you around. If you can't come up with a solution, his mom doesn't need to come. My FIL is going to be coming to help with my kids when my baby is born this fall. And my mom is supposed to come help with housework. I didn't want anyone in my house for at least a month after baby is born, but I will definitely need the help. We figured out a way to make us all comfortable. It requires rearranging our entire house and working out times for my mom to come over, but it's worth it for my comfort.
When Op wrote "the issue here," i'm like, that isn't the issue at all! Good gods.
I like how she glossed over how long they’ve been together that was my favorite part.
Isn’t it absolutely adorable when someone says I know there’s an age gap but I’m very mature, and then doesn’t recognize when the abuse starts. He’s already laying the groundwork to isolate her from her family. He’s already twisting everything she says to get his way. This isn’t going to end well.
Yup, and I bet anything she's not gonna accept this as fact. She'll delete this and her account and end up miserable and probably baby trapped w even more. She'll realize later on, I hope that's not what happens, but.....
That's exactly it. This is why older people tend to go for younger people. This is true with men and women. They go after younger people because they don't have the same life experience and they're easier to manipulate.
And this is why he targets teenagers like a creep. Because he knows damn well women his age wouldn’t put up with his shit.
All the young women in here always come and post some crazy abusive shit, and then claim that *their* age gap in their relationship is the exception. It never is. If it was, you wouldn't be here.
Because he convinced them they're the exception
Then you’ll get a ton of creeps coming into the thread like “it’s not creepy. She’s legal!”
I’ll bet the farm that they met in a creepy church or similar religious community. It’s always that when there’s a creepy age gap when marrying a teenager. 🤮
That part.
> because I look and talk older than my age, No, you don't. Literally *every single groomee* who posts on here believes that. One day you're going to see this, too, and you're going to be angry. You probably seemed exactly your age when your creep BD started pursuing you.
Even just the sentence *”I talk older than my age”* is something only a teenager would say
Literally her excuse for the age gap really just demonstrated how naive she truly is
Stockholm Syndrome
Last night my boyfriend and I were joking about how much we thought we knew at 19, because we had just graduated. Then at 21 we laughed at our past selves for thinking that *now* we were adults now that we could drink. At 23 we laughed at how much we thought we thought we knew, but *now* we’re actual adults because we have been out of school for 5 years. I’m 25, and we now realize how childish we were at all of those points, and can’t wait to see what we think of our 25 year olds selves in a few years. My heart hurts for OP, she is still a child and it will be years before she realizes what’s happened. I also have to wonder if she’s 19 now and 8 months pregnant and married, when did the groomer meet her?
Oh my God, I was going to say the same thing but forgot the fact she's 8 months pregnant at 19... They had to have either known each other long enough for her to be underage or it was rushed...
Odds are very high that the pregnancy happened fairly quickly on
And once you're pushing 50 like me you'll realize how dumb you were at 25 lol. Sometimes I look back and think, damn I was dumb.
I'm 30 and I love that realization. I can't wait to look back at 50 and laugh at how dumb I am now lol.
Yes! Literally nobody above 21 is proud to be "older" than you are. You only have to point out your mature if your are not mature. If you have to point out things there mostly not true.
I looked older as a very young teen, I could buy cigarettes at 13, but I always felt that I sounded exactly my age. I never once thought I sounded older so I feel the same as you. No she sounds like the teenager she is! And saying she sounds older than she is does sound very immature!
I had the opposite problem and looked like a kid into my mid teens. I could drive to the movies and only pay the ‘12 and under’ tickets. The very pregnant me was asked at a grocery store by a church ran charity that helps ‘teen moms’ If I needed any assistance. I was 24. I was carded into my early 40’s.
Yeah, my 17 year old nephew is happy when people tell him he looks older than he is. Which he actually does because he’s a very tall and stocky teenager, but as soon as you start talking to him it would be a dead giveaway. Even though he’s a smart kid too, he’s still very obviously a kid. And I’ve told him when he gets older he won’t want people to think he’s older than he is 😆.
Yes, my son is 13, he looks about 17. Then he talks abd it's obvious he's still a boy. Teens sound like teens and this one deffo does.
>I talk older than my age” Right like what does this even mean? You don't use slang? You talk "sophisticated"/"regal"? You're able to hold adult conversations with creepy older men who likely ignore the potentially ignorant things you say just to sleep with you, like your husband? Humility is a virtue.
Yes, how does she talk “older”? Make random references to when she was in college? Looks are one thing, abilities another, but experience tells. Unless you’re hiding it, which her husband probably was.
Yep, he said that to butter you up. The fact is, the fact you thought getting married to a much older guy is a red flag. What’s going to happen during labor, after labor, when she’s no longer a teenager? I’ll give you one guess, OP. Women his age saw right through him, hence why he went younger.
exactly. It’s the same creepy line every time
They always say "she's mature for her age." 🤢.
Why if you are so mature did you think it wise to get pregnant right away?? Were you 18 when you guys met?? No one needs someone to help with a baby. There are 2 of you. You don't seem to be going back to work. Putting people in your living room isn't comfortable or allowing for good sleep or privacy. Most mature women would be worrying about their job or being in college.
If she is as mature as the thinks, she would not have to post it here. I know precisely what I would do here, no need to ask anyone.
Part of the reason that this is an issue in the first place and a lot of women end up abused or even killed is because they couldn't find a way out or are thoroughly convinced by the abuser it's normal. He definitely groomed her and manipulated her so she might have been looking for an out. Keep in mind she is a very young adult still learning and thus is more vulnerable and susceptible than you or I are with experience. We shouldn't shame her for seeking opinions when this could be what helps her
Yes, you are right. But I think she needs to understand how her youth and lack of wisdom are part of the play here. This may still turn out fine with her husband, a baby gets you growing up real quick, but it doesn't sound like she has any control in her own life, it's all him. Hard to advise her with so much of it being a child and marriage too late. She is a mom now, and must learn to assert herself. How does a young girl like this regain her "power" now? I'm so glad I'm old. World was simpler 35 years ago.
Hi, child and teen who was groomed here. I knew my son's dad when I was 14, when we got together I was 16... And he was 36. Pregnant at 17, turned 18 a month after my son was born. I just wanted to say, the one thing that groomers love to do is completely isolate you from your friends and family/make sure that everyone sees them one way, when really they are another. >All of what he said made me feel like, my comfort and needs came second and my family came completely last. Please understand OP that this is the start of what I mentioned above, right now it's him not wanting your mom here or wanting to keep her low contact. Then he wants his mom here because it suits *his* needs, not yours. This is just the beginning, I know at the time of writing you are 19 and didn't specify when you met, but I think you did so for a reason. You knew that the comments would be focused on it and you wrote the same wording the user above mentioned because that's the same story a lot of us are fed and told to feed to others. I just want to caution you, a lot of abusive people tend to take their masks off after having children. If you feel this way now, and the baby isn't even here yet, imagine what it will be like when you feel that way constantly? You are already at the stage where you question yourself, asking things such as "am I crazy? Maybe xyz is why he's acting this way, maybe it's me that's the problem." I absolutely hate that you are at this stage, I lived with those same damn questions for too many years... If I could give you a word of advice, it would be to [understand relationship abuse and other signs ](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/) What I just linked there is the national hotline, which is a site and also number to call for abuse. That specific page is on relationship abuse, warning signs of abuse, power and control, why people abuse. I suggest reading ALL of them, because you yourself may think he's fine now, but it doesn't usually go uphill from here. Also remember that abuse can be-verbal, emotional, financial, sexual etc. as someone who grew up horrendously abused in all forms by family, then moved onto abusive partners, I can tell you that the emotional and verbal stay longer than the physical effects. Please make sure your needs are taken care of first, and your baby's needs too.
The whole post screams teenager actually. The answer is: no, she can’t stay. That’s it!
Right?? When OP is 28, they’re most likely going to look at 19yos and think about the concept of wanting to marry and have a baby with one and realize how fucked up this is.
An almost 30 year old knocks up a teenager and then railroads her. But you think the age gap is irrelevant. A 30 year old woman has the maturity, confidence, and authority to push back on this that a teenager does not have. In 15 years, you will look back and realize how naive you were.
>In 15 years, you will look back and realize how naive you were. we can only hope 🤞🏻🤞🏻
OP, please read this and consider the truth behind it. I know you don’t want to believe it, but it’s so very true and you’re in for a miserable recovery and a higher likelihood of PPD/PPA if you don’t stand up for yourself and prioritize your comfort and your ability to bond with your new baby.
They always say “don’t worry about/don’t judge the age gap” then proceed to describe a stereotypical inequitably balanced relationship that’s straight out of the Age Gap playbook. Amazing.
Yeah poor teen is probably going to be railroaded by husband and his mom. I bet his mom will be in the delivery room even though she doesn’t want that. This is going to end so sad.
Agreed, her brain isn’t even fully developed yet. That typically happens mid 20s.
I'm so sorry but you're having a baby with someone who doesn't care about what you want or need. You explained what you want and why. He should be doing what you need. Also, the comment about "his" kid is a biiiiiiiiiiiiiig red flag. He's not going to give birth, thats you, and you should be able to be confortable at home when you're back from the hospital and with people that you're also confortable with. I think you need to put your foot down with this one, and he should REALLY think about you now.
Yes, also OP says she and the MIL don't speak the same language. How is she going to help effectively when they can't understand one another. I worry that not having help from someone on her side and/or can understand and support OP properly might make her prone to ppd or isolation. I get why everyone is jumping on the age gap, but I fear that will only make her defensive. More people should be talking about the issue she actually wants to talk about. And let her realize on her own how much of that comes from being manipulated by someone older.
You should stay with your mom when you first come home. That way you can rest just like he wants. Think about that statement that his mom is the most important person in his life. And that she needs to be there for “his” child. She will be telling you how to take care of your baby and he will back her up. You’ll be lucky if you get to hold the baby YOU are the one that will be recovering from a major medical event - and a trauma to your body. No one should be adding stress to your life
Yep, you’ll wind up resenting her for the rest of her life. She wants to play mommy with your baby.
After I had my first child my husband was home to help for the first two weeks, my mom popped in and offered to help if needed. She lived a few minutes away. My in-laws lived several states. I told my husband 8 weeks- the baby will still be small, but I will have gotten into my routine as a mother. So they came at 8 weeks. Personally if your husband, who is a huge red flag, doesn’t listen to you. I’d just go to my mom’s house early. Then stay there after the baby is born. Good luck 🍀
Your husband is way out of line. How dare he make this about his mother. This should be about you and what you need. You need to put your foot down and say no. Your comfort comes first. Also if his mother is the most important person in his life then he has no business being married. This isn't a communication issue. You have clearly communicated what you want. He simply doesn't give a shit about what you want. It's disgusting that he's treating you this way.
I agree. OP has a partner problem. Partner needs to man up, cut the apron strings, and start choosing/prioritizing his chosen family. Giving birth is a major medical event, *for OP.* OP needs a partner that will *prioritize his new family’s needs* over his mommy’s feelings. OP doesn’t know how the delivery will go, how she will be feeling, bleeding, sore, stitches, blood clots exiting, and *why* would OP want someone she barely knows intruding on her recovery?!? OP needs a partner who will advocate for her, her care, her infant, etc. Not a 28 year old mommy’s boy still stuck on the teat. Imagine being 8 days from your due date and someone you barely know is in your home on vagina watch. You feel huge and uncomfortable, can’t sleep, and someone’s nose is always in your business? No thanks! Sure, partner’s mommy dearest can visit after, once OP has recovered. The first priority after birth should be infant, OP, OP’s comfort, OP’s recovery. Then visitors.
You forgot someone who you can't even communicate with without your husband translating. This has fuc4in disaster written all over it. I feel very sorry for OP
He is not in love with her and she seems unaware of this. It will break her heart when she does figure it out. I hope the coming child doesn't suffer too much with these two parents.
I'm wondering if there's a possibility you could just move in with your mom after you give birth at least for a little while. Your husband and his mommy can come visit you at intervals.
You think the age gap means nothing but you don’t see that this guys a walking red flag mommas boy and that’s why women his age wouldn’t have him.
Nailed it
a woman his age would have sent him yo the curb…
I know you don't want to here it, but he groomed you. Your 19 and near birth , so you were 18 when you got pregnant. I assume you to were dating before. So two years ago you were minor and he was 26. That is not OK. No normal adult man would date a teen. And no you are not "mature for your age", you are a normal teen and he knows how to use it to his benefit. Now that your married and pregnant he thinks he has enough control about you too show his true intentions.
Unless she’s almost 20, but even still, yeah, that’s not good. If they’re married, they almost certainly got together when she was a minor or they got married WAY too fast. People should be together for like two years minimum before they get engaged. Also, if OP was mature for her age, she wouldn’t be pregnant. I know a lot of people who have had kids young, and it’s always those people who I think are the last people who should have children before they’re 25.
You should both read the [Lemon Clot Essay](https://community.babycenter.com/post/a37726111/the_infamous_bbc_lemon_clot_essay) together. The weeks after birth are for your physical and emotional survival, and you need someone present who is looking out for your needs and not just that of your baby and husband.
Came here to say this. No one should stay with you after birth unless YOU want them there. Your partner is a fucking asshole.
No, we will be commenting on that gap. Age gaps aren’t 100% based on looks. You are SO young. He knew what he we doing by marrying/baby trapping you.
"You're so mature for your age" said every single guy on To Catch A Predator
You are not the problem. You are having a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation your partner is creating. You communicate your feelings; he overreacts; repeat cycle. Your partner actually said his mom is the “most important person in his life.” Not you, not the baby. His *mom*. Yikes. He may have told you that “you are mature for your age” but he is immature for his age. You are allowed to say “no” to any visitors or houseguests at any time, especially right after you give birth.
NTA> And also, "Yes, I am aware of the age gap, but we didn’t realize it when we first met because I look and talk older than my age, and he has a baby face." We can give YOU a pass on this bc you thought/think you're mature and act old that your age (you're not based on what was written) but your gross husband going after someone who was at prom that same year...gross
I can't seem to get past the age gap. You're 19F and 8 months pregnant and he's 28M. Seems like there was at least some grooming going on and possibly pedophilia.
He also used the typical grooming tactics. Like “you look and talk older"...
For them to be already married... When did they start dating? Disgusting.
Yep, if she’s 19 now, unless she JUST got married and it was a very short courtship…umm…
even if they did get together before she turned 18 as she says in a comment, it’s pretty clear this guy is a manipulative asshole who groomed her. the way he has her thinking that “i look and talk mature for my age”, it’s fully possible that they got together before she turned 18 and he groomed her to lie about it, saying some garbage like “the world wouldn’t understand our love”. i really hope OP sees that this isn’t love, she’s in an abusive relationship and has been groomed.
you’re my age lol, i know you said not to get on you for your age but…I’m gonna do it anyways. you’re not mature for your age, and there’s a reason (literally in this post) why he’s not dating women his age. you’re way to young to be settling down with a 30 year old man, especially a momma’s boy
I’m 21, and the oldest man I would date would be 23. Youngest I would go is 20, *maybe* an older 19. I feel like OP thinks that older people just see her as immature, so her defense that she’s mature is meant to ward them off or something, so I feel that she needs to hear from people her own age that THIS IS NOT NORMAL. This guy is a fucking creep. I hope she sees the light.
THIS!!! This is what a “mature” 19 year old sounds like. You’re mature enough to see through the nonsense that OP has been lying to herself about.
Lol. He knew you were younger. 19 is 19. You guys aren't special, I'm sorry. Also, he just told you where you rank and it's below mommy. Have fun always coming second in your own marriage at a minimum. NTA but that you can't tell you're in the right and he's being pushy and rude and putting his wants above your needs is kinda indicative of why he chose to impregnate a teenager.
I guarantee you she’ll show up and “help” by holding the baby while you do everything. If you complain he’ll make you feel bad about it. I’m sorry you trapped yourself with him, but there’s a reason he chose you. At 19, you’re still young, even if mature, but you’re not nearly 30. It makes a difference. Whatever you do, don’t count on him being supportive or caring about your needs. I’m sorry OP. NTA.
INFO: Did he really say HIS MOM is the most important person in his life? Not you, or your baby?
"You'd be shocked to hear what my mom did when my sister's gave birth!" Girl, he doesn't want his mom to come so she can help with cooking and cleaning. He wants her to come so she can be a grandma birth tourist! He's going to make your post partum into a Disneyland for his Baby-rabies momma. It will all be about her. SHUT THIS DOWN NOW! Your baby is not MILs latest fashion accessory, they're a human, and you're a human who will have just pushed them out of your body. Updateme
Yes! On top of all that, the guy's sisters are the mom's daughters. Of course the relationship would be different than the one OP has with MIL. Maybe the daughters did want their mom to be there and everything was great! But again, she's their mom, not OP's. Totally different dynamic.
Yep. Husband has been planning ways to have MIL to get all her baby jollies and no time planning how to help OP. Even if MIL doesn't come, it's going to be a hard post partum stretch. He'll demand that shee cook and clean per usual.
Why can’t your husband cook and clean for you when you have the baby? The fact he said his mom is the most importantly and it’s HIS baby should concern you. Seriously, to stay with your mom after the baby is born.
You can’t have two people staying in the house when your baby’s born. It will add too much stress. NTA. This special time is for you and the baby and YOUR needs, not your husband’s.
Your husband has stated through both verbal language, and behavioral language, that you are not the most important person in his life. He doesn't view you as his partner.
Adults don't think other people they consider to be adults are "mature for their age." They think that about and say that to people who they think of as children.
I know that you *think* that the age difference isn’t part of this but it absolutely is. Quite seriously, if it was me, I’d be going and staying with my mom BEFORE the baby is born. Your husband sounds like he’s controlling and if I am reading it accurately, that’s only going to get worse once baby is born. This is one of the most vulnerable times in your life. And your husband wants to move his mother into your home during it… someone you don’t really know and doesn’t speak the same language as you. How does that help you? If your husband’s intentions are pure, there’s no reason why you can’t stay with your mom while you build a relationship with his mother. And if your husband *really* has your comfort in mind, he would be listening when you tell him what you are *and are not* comfortable with. But this whole thing screams control to me. I DO have to say that I really don’t understand why it’s so necessary that someone comes and stays with new parents after the birth of a child. I have 5 kids. The days/weeks/months following my babies’ births was when we bonded as a family. We had visitors and people might bring prepared meals but we didn’t have anyone “move in”. I would have HATED that! Edit-typo
Oh my gosh I stopped reading at his mom is the most important person in his life. Leave him before the baby is born. She needs to never move in and can visit once you say that you’re ready for short visits. If he can’t agree then this won’t work. Together they’ll make your life hell!
See - and now you understand why he couldn't find a woman his own age - he's a Mama's boy. You are the one carrying that baby. You are the one that will be recovering. ALL that matters is YOUR comfort. Scheduling his mother's arrival BEFORE the birth, after having agreed to her arriving after your mom had done the first round of parental support is UTTER bullshit. Your comfort is all that matters right now - not him keeping his mommy happy.
even removing the age gap… there’s big red flags here girl. 1. why does he jump to “you don’t like my mom” in the first conversation when you’re trying to just explain your comfort level? how long did it take him to apologize? 2. why did he IMMEDIATELY do it again when you just want your mom postpartum? 3. how often does he insinuate his family is “better?” 4. how often do you have to walk away from conversations because he doesn’t listen to your point? 5. does he care about your feelings ever?
he wants her to come now so that he can manipulate you into letting his mother watch you give birth. when you get home she is going to do nothing but hold the baby and make snide comments about how dirty your house is and complain to your husband that she doesn't feel wanted, and you husband will get upset with you and demand you let his mother do whatever she wants. You will be so stressed out you will have trouble breastfeeding which his mother will love because then she can formula feed your baby and that way she doesn't need you at all....and then you will wonder why you have PPD.
This. You won’t be able to breastfeed with an audience. If she was going to help, she would cook and clean so you could care for the baby. I bet she will want YOU to cook and clean so SHE can care for the baby. Unless she’s tired, or wants to take care of your other baby (husband). Then you’re on your own.
And why your husband and his mother are flying back to his home country with the baby and not you.
You are giving birth so you are the one who decides. Decide what is best for you and tell him that. This has got nothing to do how you feel about his family. He should put you and your feelings first. I hope everything works out for you.
I would be mortified if my 30 year old son considered me the most important person in his life. That’s fucked up. Like, REALLY fucked up. It would mean I failed as a mother and my son was incapable of growing up.
Classic grooming 100%. Do you realize why women his own age don't want him yet?
Go over to JustNoMIL and read those posts. Look up “The Lemon Clot Essay”. You need to step up and shine your spine and tell him too bad so sad his mama is gonna have to wait. Do you work? If not, then you’re going to be home with baby for foreseeable future. So mom can come later. Like book ticket 4 weeks after due date. I’ll tell you this right now, everyone else saying age gap is a factor is absolutely right. He was looking for someone he can control. So you need to open your eyes and decide if you’re going to be passive and allow him to run everything or take some control back. This is your child as much as his, but you are the one giving birth, recovering and taking care of this child. Your wishes are paramount. The other thing is women having been giving birth for millions of years and most of them in all that time didn’t have someone cooking and cleaning for them. Is it nice to have help? Sure. Is it necessary? No. With his mom coming over…what’s her return date? Make sure if you have her come he buys a round trip ticket. After all they are cheaper than one way. Set a time limit. I’m betting he will make a fuss about that.
It’s wild to me the amount of people who know what someone else’s genitalia feels like but not their age… I mean, I get it, you don’t want to ask and find out the person you’re banging is underage as you suspected but as the younger party asking someone’s age gives you a chance to ponder hmmmm why is this 30/40 year old still single, how many red flags do you think I should look out for. /s
Dear - he literally told you his mother is more important than you and your baby. Open your eyes
You "talk older than your age"? Honey, you vocab younger than your age. No fool would be convinced that you're older than 16 based on what you've written here.
You don’t need all that help. You need to learn how to be a mom and trust yourself. You can’t do that with your mother-in-law breathing down your neck and your husband expecting you to defer to her because of her “experience”. All this will accomplish is making you resent both of them. Personally, I have a cool, merely superficially cordial relationship with my in-laws after many years of having them involve themselves in many aspects of my life that should have been between me and my husband and/or kids. You need to shut it down. It’ll be hard (it gets easier) but you need to set a precedent. Begin as you mean to go on. Also, my in-laws were also the type not to stay in motels. Their frequent two week visits, taking over my house, quite literally nearly led to me having a nervous breakdown. After a big blow up with my husband, he told them *I* did not allow them to stay with us anymore (which wasn’t actually true, I just wanted shorter visits). I was embarrassed at first but then I embraced it. I was finally free. And now my in-laws have the audacity to talk about how they enjoy staying in hotels. They apparently just had to nearly drive me insane before they could enjoy it. Don’t be me.
I'm sorry, but he groomed you. This is the only reason he's with you. He found he could easily manipulate you. You need to leave him before you give birth. This isn't about his mom coming over. This is for your safety. Talk to your mom about this now.
Just go stay with your mom once the baby is born. Your husband can come visit, and once you feel ready, you can move back into your home. Also, you alone get to decide who you want in the room when you give birth.
All of these comments about women his age not wanting him, while probably true, aren’t going to help you now. YOUR comfort matters most now and the family you’ve created is supposed to matter more to him than the family he came from. If he’s so hell bent on having mommy come stay at your home, I suggest you get discharged to YOUR mom’s house. Postpartum is **hard** and the added stress of guests you don’t want around isn’t going to help. I learned that the hard way after my first. NTA.
NTA. You are the one going through the last month of pregnancy, you will be the one recovering while also bonding with your baby. Aside from the needs of the baby of course, you are the adult whose needs and comfort should be supported 100%. No one else.
OP, I understand why you are uncomfortable. He’s making it about him and his relationship with his mother and about what she wants instead of making you the priority. You have every right to be the utmost priority and that means your preferences come first for giving birth. You can adore your mother in law and still not want her there right at the beginning. I was in a similar situation. His mom very much wanted to help; however, she wasn’t my mother and I couldn’t even speak to her. She had her own way of doing things that were different from what I wanted. It was very uncomfortable having her in our home for lengthy periods of time. I can’t imagine what it would have been like with a newborn. If he wants to buy tickets now, he can buy them for a month after your due date. That’s a compromise. Steamrolling over your reasonable wishes is not.