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My husband. I was 16 when we met and he was 25. Worst mistake of my life because he ruined my life and as I got older I realized why he dated me so he could control me. I am 40 and am finally planning my leave
That's so true and people don't realize that when you're out of the relationship, that's the most dangerous time. You can bet your bottom dollar that they're looking for you. I went through it myself last year. I wish that people understood how carefully you have to plan and how dangerous it is. I literally had to pack my bag while my ex was in the room sleeping. I was able to get away by sneaking out.
My roommate knew what was happening and she helped me carry my stuff to the car. She said she had heard him yelling at me and she was over it. So was I. When he woke up and realized I was gone, he blew up my phone acting like he didn't know where I was. I told him over messenger that I had left him and I was done and he better not try to contact me. That's been about a year ago.
Edit: I forgot to mention that we were actually living together but with another couple as roommates. They knew what he did to me so for that reason and on top of him not paying the rent like I thought he was, they threw him out the next day. I thought that he was paying rent with the money I was giving him.
It turns out that he was blowing it on the woman he was cheating on me with. Best decision I ever made getting away from him. I'm still in touch with the roommates a year later and they said they've seen him because my female roommate works where he does. She said that he has gone way downhill since I left him. It's his karma for trying to control me.
I just want to tell you I'm proud of you. Be safe and I want to stress to you that it's very important that you don't tell him that you're leaving. The results could be deadly. I'm not trying to scare you, I'm just telling you this so that you can stay safe. I went through the same thing last year. My ex became very verbally and financially abusive. It was also very controlling. He was actively preventing me from leaving. I've had people ask me why I didn't just leave him and I'm like, it's not that easy. People think it's as easy as packing a bag and leaving but it isn't. Especially not when he was making me come to work with him and was parking me by the window so he could see me in case I tried to leave.
Please be careful. And stack as much money as you possibly can. Don’t get your nails done, don’t buy coffee, don’t do anything but save save save.. coming from somebody that’s already tried to leave once. I was separated for a year and everything was in my husband’s name. I was so broke I counted pennies for gas, I’m not exaggerating. Meanwhile OUR companies reached 6 digits a year. The lesser of 2 evils was going back bc I literally had nothing and he was getting away with it. So stash cash every chance u get
This is exactly what I am doing. Thank you. I am planning it because I have kids and I need to show them the right way to live. I hope things get better for you and my DMs are always open
When I was 15, dated someone 20. 16, someone 26. When I was 17, I dated someone who was 24. All were known and approved by my mom. I’ve never had an issue with age gap relationships (my maternal grandparents met & married 18 & 38 but were together- happily- over 50 years). As an adult (37) though, I wonder. I was never able to date a guy even 2 years younger than myself.
I lost my virginity at 17 to a 24yo and dated two women ten years older than me in my early 20s - one of them is my ex-wife.
At the time I thought hey, we're compatible and we like each other and who cares? I also dated plenty of women my own age - my current spouse is my age.
But lately I've been wondering if I missed out on parts of my youth. I dunno. I don't think I was fully formed at 23.
I think it's all about whether it's about sex or actual relationships. Unfortunately often it's about the prior. But awesome for your grandparents.
It's funny though. I'm so paranoid about age now it's hard for me to date. I haven't really dated since I was 40 and I'm 53. I can't tell if someone is 35 or 55 half the time...so unless I'm approached I stay away usually.
I know but it's awkward. I look younger. Most people think 40s and so even if someone approaches me I hate saying my age because I feel like it will be...oh you're 53 ewww..lol. I know it's a stupid way to think but there it is :)
I would definitely not worry about that. If someone who thinks you're 45 and is attracted to you that is not going to change when they find out your 55. Esp as you get older like we are that matters less and less
This is the key though. A high-school student has no comparable life experience with a full grow adult who's been out of high-school for 5+ years. The only two probable outcomes are the young girl winds up being manipulated and used, or winds up going nowhere because she itched her wagon to a looser. If your 24 years old and find you current life situation is compatable with that of a highschooler you're a looser
Ayo, I think your mom was severely neglectful, friend. She should have been protecting you from predatory older men, not cosigning it.
And, I'm sorry to say, but your grandma was a victim. Of course, at 18 and living in an era where she was expected to marry and have babies, with very little other opportunities, she would have thought marrying an older man would mean comfort and status. They can say they were happy, but could they divorce? Could your grandma have her own full-time job and make good money on her own? Own property? Have her own bank account?
Think about it.
Why would you want to fuck with someone’s memory like that? Who the fuck are you to say that her grandparents weren’t happy? so what that was the era that they were living in!! They were also happy to live that way because they didn’t know anything different and they were probably better off than we are in this day and age.
My 21 year old brother met a 17 old drinking at a bar. They left the bar together that night. They had sex. 2 days later he finds out she is still in high school.
No second date.
As a woman who dated a 23 year old when I was 17, this is not good. I didn’t understand the dynamics at that age and he would often use his age as a means to control and manipulate me.
Yeah it was so glaringly obvious that we were in 2 totally different life stages. I was going into college, he was finished with college and working in a career. We couldn’t even go out too much because I couldn’t get in anywhere 21+
We all think we're grown up at 17 and so proud to attract an older man. We never see the power imbalance or consider why an older guy would want a relationship with a child.
when I was 23, I dated a 17 year old. She initially lied about her age when I met, we developed strong feelings pretty quickly, and eventually as we were deep into “talking” she admitted she was 17 and I was so into her I was willing to overlook it.
It was honestly a pretty normal relationship when it was “just us”, we go on dates, hang out, laugh together, enjoy each others company. It was easy to forget the age gap when we were sat on the couch.
Our constant source of conflict (and one we could unsurprisingly never get over) was fitting into each other’s life. She felt really uncomfortable around my friends and I felt really uncomfortable around her friends. And with hindsight - seems pretty damn obvious considering my friends all were working full time jobs and had degrees and she was literally living in freshman dorms.
Literally this, I also dated a couple guys that were the 23-24 range when I was 16-17. As I grew up I started to realize that they were just emotionally immature people. They used that against me and manipulated me because I was young and didn’t know better. Def a red flag for this guy.
i was a 16 year old girl dating a 20 year old in highschool. he ended up cheating on me and left me for a 15 year old .. looking back this relationship was never okay and i was 100% groomed. he had me tell his parents i was 18 when i first met them. these men know it’s wrong, i would leave if i was you.
When I was 18 and I dated a 35 years old. When I turned 30, he told me I had changed and dumped me for another twenty something.
I wasted my youth. Op should listen.
>I also want to add they met at a bar, so he initially thought she was at least 21 when they hooked up that night. He drank a lot during this time and that’s mainly what they did together but he has been sober for 6 years now
This is important information, He's not hanging around schools looking for young girls he's in a bar.
I had a similar experience, I didn't realise until she sent me a Facebook event invite to her 18th 3 months into the relationship.
I was the last to know, because I never point blank asked her age.
it is in the edit, so it’s possible that people genuinely didn’t see it. but i raised the question of did he not know the entire relationship and that’s why they broke up OR did he find this out a good time before breaking up? because that’s also important context to this story and will change entirely how i feel about it
It clearly says **initially**. So he found out shortly after, but continued the relationship. Being an alcoholic doesn’t make you continue a whole ass relationship.
There’s no “cherry picking” because the most important part is that HE KNEW
My ex once told me he slept with a 16 year old when he was 21, his instructor's daughter. That was the end of the relationship for me, because 1) that's sus and also illegal 2) the fact that he didn't think through the consequences (and there were consequences) of doing this before going through with it showed me that he cannot be trusted to make good decisions
General population consent in those places tends to be that it is not automatically "gross and predatory", hence why not illegal. Most other nations in the world have different limits as well and 5 years may be within reason often, that is if both sides want a relationship and not just sex, because the later is when it is gross and should be illegal.
In some areas of the world you can legally sleep with someone as young as 12 (I think younger in some places but I’m not 100% sure) just because it’s legal doesn’t make it disgusting and wrong. When people use the word “legal” when discussing this topic my question is if the law wasn’t an issue how young do you think is too young? How could anyone not see what’s wrong with such a big age gap at such a young age. 25 and 35 is different from 15 and 25, I wouldn’t even bat an eye at 30 and 50 as long as both met well into the younger ones adulthood but I’m sorry if you cant order a drink at a bar nobody should be thinking about how old your date can be.
This response is always interesting because there’s a lot of things that aren’t illegal that should be. In said states I wonder what caused that law to be set in place? Maybe men just couldn’t help themselves so they said let’s just do away with it…
That would be illegal in France. The max age gap is 5 years.
But I get your point a 20 year old and a 15 year old is still a big difference.
In Belgium where I live, it’s 16 and there is also a close of age exception of 3 years when they are 14 of 15. However, a minor can never voluntarily consent to sexual acts with blood relatives and (extended) family members, with persons who exercise a recognised position of trust, authority or influence over the minor or when it concerns prostitution.
Not condoning this but to claim he can't be trusted to make good decisions based on that isn't a good measuring stick. Executive functioning isn't fully developed until about 24/25. This part of your brain is responsible for things like inhibition, consequences, planning, pretty much most of your higher thinking. I definitely think it's not okay, just like drink driving or shoplifting but this age group is still making some bad decisions more frequently.
My friend, this was the final straw after a series of questionable situations - some of which were very obvious bad decisions that he should have been able to figure out by then.
But he probably did know. I had an ex who fantasized about 17 year olds when he was 25. It wasn’t because of his poor executive functioning, it’s because he was a predator. I, however, had extremely poor judgment and low self esteem at 23 to not dump him sooner.
Idk man, where I am from (The Netherlands) the age of consent is 16 but its still heavily frowned upon to date someone younger than 18 when you are older than that.
18 and 16 no. 18 and 15 or 14 yes. And also illegal, Belgium here. And if you are below 18 a 19 year old can’t have sex with you if they are blood relatives, (extended) family members, a person who exercise a recognised position of trust, authority or influence over the minor or when it concerns prostitution. Of course the law is more aimed at the 20+ predators with authority/ trust and loverboys that force young girls into prostitution.
I think the point was legal or not, dating within the same age group is appropriate but when you aren’t in that group it isn’t. I don’t think it meant a literal “17 yrs and 11.5 months is Ok to date a 16 yr old but the moment you turn 18, it is not. “
Same, I was 17 with a 24 year old boyfriend, didn't think it was weird at the time. Parents didn't either.
He was an asshole though, got rid of him eventually.
I'm irish
Same, and I'm in the US. He wasn't immature. When he asked me out, he thought I was older. He had no idea I was only 17. We only dated a few months because he was working and taking classes and I was starting college. My parents thought it was weird but then again, my dad was suspicious of anyone I dated.
Girls mature faster than guys as well, so I don't think it's overall weird or creepy. My guy definitely was immature, I was the brains of the relationship at 17 🤦🏻♀️
It got brought up when we were talking about relationships we regretted so thank god he does realize it was not right. However, he tried to use being an alcoholic then as an excuse for why he did it, so maybe that’s bad too like not taking accountability for it?
It's not necessarily an excuse...it's just what he was. I mean it was 10 years ago...a decade...he's not been some sort of predator according to you so why is this even an issue?
Exactly this! Has he ever displayed any kind of predatory behavior? If not what's the issue?! I can't believe your life is upside down over this! Laugh and move on and enjoy your relationship! Assuming he's an all round good guy other than your perception of a decade old relationship? A 24 year old boy doesn't have much between the ears!
I think this is pretty significant, that he regrets it. I can’t imagine entertaining staying with him if he was acting like it was ok. And I don’t think him acting like alcoholism is an excuse is terrible. I mean, in some cases I’d think being an alcoholic can probably make it really hard to do what you feel is right. Doesn’t make it ok, but it is a difficult circumstance that might explain why although he did this shitty thing then, he’s not likely to in the future.
Exactly. I made a mistake and dated someone younger by accident and it was so awkward and weird dating her, especially when I found out her age. Thank God we never had sex. (She was legal 19 BTW it was just weird)
It's been 10 years. He knows he's wrong and he trusted you enough to tell you about it when he could have hidden it.
I'd let it go. People make mistakes, but they don't need to be branded for life because of it.
I was 17 and dated a 24 year old. He also told people that he didn’t know how old I was when we met at a party.
It was my best friends 17th birthday party. It was written on the banner, the cake, we talked about how we were excited to graduate high school later that year. He knew. And it took me a very long time to realize how fucked up that relationship was and the weird ass power dynamic that existed in it. Like others have said, there was a reason women his own age didn’t like him.
A 24-year-old dating a 17-year-old is just plain sketchy, even if her parents were cool with it. That kind of age gap when you're that young is a major red flag in my book.
When I was 22 a teenager wanted to date me. Hard pass!! No! No! My age or older is what I dated when I was in my 20s. Thank god I met my wife at 23! I hates the dating world back then and I hear it is even worse now. Happily married and getting older 17 years now.
If he doesn't look back at that time of his life and cringe that says a lot.
If we're not kicking ourselves for some past behaviors did we even learn from them?
He does regret that whole time period of life. He drank heavily & used pills from ages 21-25 but has been completely sober for 6 years now. This is what I’m struggling with. I feel like he’s not the same person as he was then, but it’s still really gross to me.
OP based on your update it sounds like you're making a mountain out of a molehill. You initially made it seem like he looked back at his relationship with fondness. What do you want him to do? He can't take it back. He's sober, he's making better decisions. I hate to say "10 years ago was a different time" but it was. The idea that we can publicly scold men for being predatory and it has any weight is somewhat new to me. I'm 32 and I dated legal "adults" when I was a teen, some were older. If I could take back some of those relationships or hookups I would. It was so normalized to me. Because you're younger, the concept of adults dating minors being a No-No, is your normal. I love to see this is the new normal. Some of us millennials barely survived the dark ages.
I get it, everyone wants to execute him for dating a minor but the hope for people who do questionable things **(for me anyway)** is that they don't repeat their mistakes. He's sober , he seems happy with you, what are you hoping to achieve here? Do you need reassurance that he's a perv? We don't know him. Do you want reassurance that he's not into women much younger? We don't know him but according to you he has a rich dating history with women of all ages. This 17 yo girl was in a bar it could have been someone other than your boyfriend. It's not like he stalked her at the bus stop.
Just speak to him, tell him how this affects the way you view him.
Exactly this. Not like he was hanging around high schools trying to pick up girls.
It was 10 years ago when he was drinking and taking pills, and he is sober now so seems like he is able to better himself and his life.
But does he acknowledge how gross that age gap was and the power dynamics? Have you asked why he felt ok sticking around once he realized she was in fact not 21? Does he talk about it as in: I can’t believe I did that, that was a really bad choice and if I could go back I’d undo it? Kinda sounds like he just regrets the drinking and wasting time… and also that you reacted poorly, not that he actually sees what he did would still be wrong sober. But I could be filling in gaps incorrectly.
I talk to men in my life about age gaps a decent amount and it’s shocking how few see an issue with it initially, but in all cases so far when I say “what if she’s 18 fresh out of high school and you’re 24 already done undergrad” they immediately go “ok yeah that’s gross”. That’s the only logical reaction
It was the past and it didn't work out for obvious reasons, you're dating him in the present, if that's the only red flag you have, then you're deeping it and looking for a reason to leave
It's not that big a deal, the past is the past
oh shit it's my time to shine. I found out an ex of mine had slept with a 17 year old who "came on to him and his then-girlfriend" when he was about 30 and his girlfriend was in her 20s.
He had a history of age gap relationships, including with me, especially after this as he got older. At one time he also dated a 22 year old when he was 39.
It's way more common than you think, and I have yet to meet a man that feels genuinely guilty about it or even thinks it could be a bad thing. not sure which is worse, dating a 17 year old as a 30-something or having a ONS with them.
Did he take advantage of the age difference to be abusive? If not, then I would let it go. It doesn't sound like a trend.
I don't think that age gap is the end of the world necessarily. It is a problem when the older person is abusive.
No I have never dated anyone younger than me.
In the VERY least, you need to have a conversation about what this will look like IF you guys have a daughter together down the road. I know it’s a long ways away, but you don’t want your world crashing down again when he doesn’t mind his 17 year old daughter dating a man in his 20’s.
I just took a look at the comments. I am sooo going to get roasted for this…
I am torn. I am a woman and I almost always land on the side of the sisterhood and protection of the sisterhood is super important to me. I am outraged at any form of abuse and I def roll my eyes when a guy in his 30s+ goes trolling for someone in their early 20s.
Here’s the thing though…I was once a teenage girl. My friends were once teenage girls. One friend went to a bar, lied abt her age, and started dating a 23 year old. Was he a predator? Absolutely not. By the time he realized she had lied abt her age he was totally besotted. He tried to dump her because she was still in high school. She wouldn’t let him. Sounds ridiculous but that is actually how it played out. She was entirely more mature than he was and she def wore the pants in the relationship. Still does. They got married half a decade later and have kids in their late 20s / early 30s now.
As an adult the math absolutely makes me cringe but he was not and is not THAT guy. Never was.
I think we sometime infantilize women and in doing so we take away their agency. 18-24, esp if it isn’t a trend, might not be as big of an issue as it sounds. As an 18 year old girl, I was absolutely interested in guys who were 20-25. Most of us were and you know why? …Because girls mature faster and 18 year old guys are, on average, kinda dumb and super immature.
Think it is def worth asking the question. Just not sure it is always as clear cut as Reddit would have us believe.
Agree 💯.. I consistently dated older guys because I found them more interesting than the men/boys my own age. I never once have looked back on those relationships as being predatory in nature. Not everything is black and white.
Personally, I would struggle to continue a relationship with someone who had done that. I don’t see how a full adult dating a teenager can be anything but predatory.
I know a lot of people in their 20s who are socially, emotionally, intellectually, and in pretty much every way no different than 17 year olds. It's a shame, but it feels like society has really stunted the Gen Z/Millenial youth. Social media keeps everyone so plugged in all of the time that it feels like socially and culturally you never really age out of youth culture, and with the way the economy is, a lot of people in their 20s haven't started careers, don't have college degrees, don't own homes, aren't getting married, aren't having kids, etc. The American dream feels unreachable.
Not to excuse weird behavior, but I'm offering some insight to the "I don’t see how a full adult dating a teenager can be anything but predatory." remark. I think it's weird, but it can definitely not be predatory.
But even with all that taken into account - at 17 this girl was in high school. At 24 he could’ve been done his undergrad and potentially even done a masters degree, or 6 years into a full time job. I know you say some people haven’t started any of that, and sure. But he’s gotta afford to live somehow so at the bare minimum he’s working to pay rent and is 6 years out of school. It definitely is predatory to be at an age where you’re leaving either your graduate degree of adult job and picking up your sexual partner from her high school…
Sure, but by what OP says, it doesn't seem like he was. Sounds like he finished high school and then got hooked on pills and alcohol for 6 years and didn't advance his life at all. OP also says this 17 year old was at a bar drinking and socializing and that they hooked up as a result of that. So instead of your narrative where you're making it sound as bad as possible by saying "he's picking her up from her high school", in reality it sounds like she picked him up at a bar she went to because she was into older guys, which isn't as unusual as you'd think it is. Gross? Sure, but somewhat common.
She already graduated high school & was going into her freshman year of college. He graduated high school at 19 and worked random serving jobs until he went to a trade school at 27. No offense to my dumb potentially creepy bf, but she was definitely smarter than him at that stage in his life.
My ex wife graduated high school at 16 and undergrad at 20. I was 2 years older than her and took a year off so when we started college I was 19 and she was 17. We got married at 21/23.
She “groomed” me to be who she wanted because I was a naive kid with conservative parents from the country and she came from liberal parents (yuppies) with money from the city. She introduced me to all sorts of sexual stuff I had never heard of. She pushed me to do things I was often uncomfortable with. She was very controlling and manipulative even tho I was 2 years older. After I graduated undergrad I got a job to support her while she worked on her masters degree. As soon as she finished she left me.
Thing is, it worked out in most ways in the end but it fucked me up for a while after we divorced because of the abuse I endured when I stopped following her plan for my life.
The thing that most people don’t understand is that some young women (and men for that matter) can be incredibly manipulative and coercive and fuck with people who are older than them. My friend did 2 years in jail and is a registered sex offender because he started talking to a girl online who said she was 19 when she was actually 17. They met right before her 18th birthday and fooled around (not sex just touching). Her dad found out about it and called the cops. He was 22, a total nerd, and had 0 dating experience before her. They lived in separate cities and she said she was going to community college but she was actually in high school going to a local community college for advanced credits.
Babe, if he was moving weird still he'd be going for 17 year olds to this day. If you truly think this man is the one I'd look past this. It can be creepy, but it can also be not creepy. Given the context, I lean in the non creepy gang - late 20s woman's opinion. I had experience with both types at the age of 17/18, so I do have qualifications to judge lol.
But he hadn't. He was using drugs and an alcoholic. Probably at a very immature state of development psychologically. The OP gives no evidence that he is a sexual predator other than this misguided relationship that began under false pretenses, involved drug and alcohol use and the blessings of the 17 year old's parents.
How do you figure she was in high school? MANY people graduate at 17 and don’t turn 18 until fall or winter. I know, because that was me. She very well could have been in college or living independently and working full-time.
The 17 year old girl who was in the bar who flirted with and hooked up with a 24 year old?
Like come on dude, don't act like you aren't aware that there are people like this.
I don’t think a 24 yo being immature makes it ok for him to be dating a teen. The problem with a 24 yo man dating a teen girl is that she’s being victimized, not that they might not have enough to talk about because he’s too mature.
Because age doesn’t define maturity. I know 30 year olds who are just as chaotic and immature as the day they graduated high school because they were sheltered and didn’t experience things that would force them to mature. Maturity comes with life experiences, not age. His brain likely wasn’t fully developed either and he had a drinking problem.
Predatory behavior is not based on age difference but how you treat someone.
While it is concerning given the facts ( hopefully true) at that time they met it was in a bar, anyone would assume the girl to be 21 or over. She was deceiving about that. Now if he found out immediately and he continued seeing her then I would definitely be having second thoughts. But when you’re an alcoholic and abusing drugs your mental capacity is limited. Not that it should be a pass, but take into account that maybe just maybe he wasn’t able to fully understand what he was doing. Now some years later you find out that he (just turned 24) dating a young lady who in 2 months was turning 18. If he has any remorse for what he did and the choices he made while being drunk/under the influence I would say to at least try and get him to counseling. Two years is a long time to not try if he was a good person through that time. This is my opinion. You were 25 and him 32 when you met, both adults so it’s not he was chases teens. But if you are uncomfortable and uncertain then leave him and be happy
I was 17 dating someone who was about 25. Looking back on it now there was absolutely no reason a 17 year old should've been with a 25 year old. I turned 18 3 months after we started dating. There's no conceivable reason he should've been dating a 17 year old. That in itself should have been a red flag. Would've saved me a lot of trauma if I had seen it at the time.
Unpopular opinion here, I've met 18 year old girls who have their shit together more than 30 year olds. Obviously when you're young a bigger age difference is tough to deal with, but if they both love and respect each other what's the big deal, they're both adults.
Obviously age is important, but some people treat it like it's the only thing that matters. Don't throw away a relationship because of something he did in the past, that he regrets. People make mistakes and people change. Just sit down and talk to him and express your feelings.
I swear, people here always just pull out the swords at any freaking situation and expect every little issue to be a relationship ender
I'm with this guy. I once dated someone who was 17 turning 18 when I was 24. We met at a party and I legit thought she was around the same age as me. After the party I found out she is living alone in a little town and had a job + car and was well into achieving some of her life goals. On the second date, I found out her age and it shocked me, I wanted to end it there but she seemed so mature and more put together than a lot of my peers so I decided to give it a shot. Only lasted 1 year because of the distance and covid lockdowns but it's a relationship I look back at and cherish because she was a wonderful person. I decided I wouldn't do that again though because I always felt guilty about the age gap and people's perceptions even though all our time together was wonderful. I'd be horrified if someone now wanted to break up with me over that. Funnily enough after we broke up she started dating someone even older and they've been together for like 4 years now.
Sure, but the whole “she’s mature for her age” is a classic predator scapegoat fyi (not implying anything about you, just letting you know). No girl in high school “has her shit together” more than a man with 6 years of work/post-secondary experience. She’s only lived a life within the confines of grade school and he’s a grown adult. When you’re 30 and 36+, totally. You’ve both lived life and have had to be adults with independence and decision-making power. And your frontal lobe is fully developed. But at 17 she might not even have her PERIOD yet. Many girls at my school didn’t until their last year. Just to put that in perspective
I was just at a party. I myself am 25f and my partner is 27m. It was a joint party our buddy was throwing with his sister. Our friends (around our age) and her friends (17-20).
I’m not saying anything about the actual question on hand, but I was SHOCKED when all the 17-20 year olds looked 25-30. Like my friends looked younger than some and I was like…. So confused. Even one drunk 18yr old was like “why have I never seen you around?” She legit thought I was like 20. (Personally I think I look my age) but these girls idk why looked so old.
I don't know any girl that was 17 or older when they first got their period. Average age is 12 so there's something strange going on in your town.
I've seen many 17 and 18 years olds that 'had their shit together'. Supporting themselves or helping support their family.
It used to be very common. It only seems to be this recent generation of teenagers that act like children, incapable of doing their own things.
I for some reason always liked older guys. When I was 16 my boyfriend was 20. I was almost 17. When I was 19 my boyfriend was 26 and we’ve been happily married for almost 23 yrs. Been together 26 yrs now. He is the most respectful amazing husband and father that I know.
Im the same! At 18 I dated a 25 year old for a couple months. Later still 18 i met my husband he was 28 been together for 12 tears… literally my best friend!
So at the end of your hot take you defend your BF by saying they met at a bar and drank alot together and he thought she was 21
And he drank alot back then so you discredit any of his relationships or responsibilities etc because hey he drank alot and doesnt now so he is more credible and his morales are better.
It sounds like you want to be horrified but really you are a hypocrite
I don’t understand the difference between 17/25 vs 25/32 vs 35/42 vs 53/60
Its not like he was 27 and dated a 14 year old. Im not condoning the age difference but your age difference is the same as theirs. You admit he was immature amd foolish
Why are you creating drama where there is none.
You either love him or you dont.
Maturity plays a factor to age too, the whole barely legal and older had always been a strong controversy. Girl could be mature, guy could be immature. Young people make stupid decisions, often regret it, grow, and learn from it.
If it was consensual, and he’s not the same person anymore, grown and matured, I’d not make a big deal out of it.
Not sure why everyone is telling you to leave him.
Idk. I guess discuss it more with him. It sounds like a very questionable decision. It also happened a decade ago.
He may give reasons that make you feel better and maybe not. People can also change a lot over that time period. If it isn’t causing issues now, then it’s up to you to decide whether you can live with knowing this or not since that can of worms is already openedx
If you feel the ick about what happened in the past, it can't be helped, you feel what you feel. But if you're worried about the future, let's talk about what's actually here, in the present.
1. Have you seen any red flags in your actual relationship with him?
2. Have you seen any *potential* red flags that are related to age differences?
So you are punishing him for something that was 10 years ago, he regrets, and wouldn't even be seen as wrong in most other nations? Well if you don't have problems you have to create your own, I guess.
Is he nice to you? Do you feel loved by him? Do you feel he will cheat on you? Did him commit a crime?
If no, it’s none of your concern what his past relationships were like. Everybody grows up and becomes better if they choose to work on themselves.
If he’s a good partner now you’re overthinking it. We all know There’s way too many women out here who knowingly dated older guys. Everyone has a past , if they have moved on for the best that’s all that matters imo
i’ve just turned 20 (m) and wouldn’t go for someone under 18. when you add four years on it makes it even weirder. i get your bf thought she was 21 or over but he should’ve still asked. if he admits it was bad and regrets what he did then i think it’s something you could move on from. definitely talk to him about if you did have kids what would be his opinion of his daughter dating someone a lot older than her. that might be the most important conversation you need to have
I think its gross but you need to figure out how you feel. Don't get engaged now you should date for longer, people change in good ways and bad, give it more time. A lot more time. I'm at the age where all my friends are getting divorced even the ones who seemingly had good relationships. Marriage is a very serious endeavor.
Personally, I think you subconsciously already know what you want to do and are perhaps looking, subconsciously, for permission to do so: you have made two edits/ amendments defending his actions...."those saying he goes after younger girls, yada yada." And "he met her at a bar, so, he thought she was 21." My point I guess is this: most people don't really acknowledge it, but most people don't really understand themselves, what they want, why they do what they do. We act based on impulse and genetic programming and experience in the moment, and then quickly, subconsciously, create the stories we tell ourselves about WHY afterwards in most every case.... whatever your reasoning was, whether you were totally conscious of the real reason, or not, that brought you here to ask peoples opinions on the situation....you already KNOW what you want to do, whether you've touched it consciously or not: why would you post this, ask what you asked almost as though your looking for people to agree that its messed up..... only to make edits attempting to mitigate some people's harsh perceptions of his actions? Where did the impulse to defend him/the actions come from? Why would you in any soften the edges of actions that you yourself find wrong? With the limited information I have, I would think the most likely answer is deep down you love him, and want to be with him, you've already given the reasons why it isn't some kind of pervy predator behavior yourself...you have possibly been conditioned to feel you SHOULD feel more upset, and possibly are looking for permission to overlook it and move on. Possibly you are legitimately bothered by it on some level, but you also love him, and you have told yourself the mitigating factors, and are essentially just trying to find a way to make it all fit in a way where your internal voice will be quiet about it all and accept it....in which case I would say, it seems to me you already know which one out weighs the other, you just have to find a way to quiet your own mind about it. At the core, all I'm really saying is, it seems to me, based on some of the things you've said, that whether your conscious of it or not, you've already decided you want to stay with him and this isn't a good reason to leave a good man, you just haven't entirely come to terms with that and what it means for your own self conception and who you need to perceive yourself as. Personally? That isn't a sufficient red flag on its own to make the choice to leave an otherwise great relationship with a good man whom you have thought about, and can see yourself happily marrying. Just my two cents.
It sounds like he's in a very different place now so I would not hold it against him. I don't see that as a really big age difference .. especially at that age. I am a little surprised that you're just finding out about this element of his dating history now as opposed to before you started cohabiting. Did he keep this information from you? I would find that more upsetting than the age difference. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd just be finding this out now after 2+ years of dating. I mean, learning about past relationships is part of the 'getting to know you' that happens before setting up together as housemates. So, how did that get left out until now? (Age gaps in an of themselves are not a big deal.. there is a 13 year difference between me and my partner so I speak from experience).
Alot of creeps in this thread of comments. 24 dating a 17 year old is not ok [whether it's legal in some states or not], but this was 10 years ago. If he's moved on from it and realizes the situation and understands why it was bad and feels bad about it, I think it's something to be forgiven and is in the past. If you don't like it, that's ok too. Date the guy, don't date the guy, that's your decision.
I mean you’re 25 now, go look at some 18-19 year olds and consider being in a relationship with someone at that stage in life. That should clarify things!
The best relationship advice anyone could give you is to not ask for relationship advice on Reddit. This place is full of extremist loners who'd even suggest breaking up if you were dating Jesus Christ himself.
Make your own decision based on what you've found out and what he's told you.
In the first place, don’t see a big issue with the difference between a 17 year old vs an 18 year old. I dated mostly older guys when I was in high school. Girls mature more quickly than boys—it’s a scientific fact. I remember thinking boys my age were just too childish, and they were. I married a 26 year old when I was 19. When I was 26 we had our first baby, who is 40 now. We celebrated our 47th wedding anniversary last April. It never once occurred to me that he was too old, or that the difference in our ages would be an issue.
My parents knew him and his family for years before we started dating, and they encouraged the relationship—because they knew him to be a good guy.
I think people are too quick to judge these days. Life is not black or white. Just because a person finds themselves attracted to someone who is younger doesn’t mean they have nefarious motives. It’s one thing if they are forcing themselves on someone else, but if the feelings are reciprocal and the people are both emotionally intelligent individuals, then I think society should just butt the hell out.
The idea that you love this man and had no major issues in your relationship until you found this bit of information, and now you are thing of ending it is weird to me. It happened years ago, and you said yourself that he thought she was of legal age when they met. So what’s your issue? I can think of a lot worse things he could have been doing.
Yeah even with the edit, he’s CHOOSING to date young girls (I mean no offence, but as a 37 year old woman, I remember I was still very inexperienced in life at 24). He has dated older women or women his age before and realised he cannot manipulate and “mould” them. He’s not dating you as a human woman with wants, needs, etc. he’s dating your age hoping to control the relationship.
Oh no ew...dating younger is fine to an extent but only if both people are at least above 21 years old *when they meet*. Hell I'm 26 and would refuse to date someone younger than 23-24
It's fine. It happened 10 years ago. 17 is considered adult in many countries. Is he a good person? A loving caring boyfriend to you? That's more important.
The man I’m engaged to now dated a 15 year old when he was 20. She was almost 16 and he had just turned 20 but it still grossed me out. I knew them both back then also and it didn’t bother me back then because idk she was in the friend group and I just didn’t think about it. Anyways fast forward to now he and I got together 10 years ago. So I’ve known him 21 years and he is one of the best human beings I know.
So, I do think it’s circumstantial sometimes. I realize I’m probably going to get hate for this, but are there any other red flags? I would proceed with caution and go with you gut.
My husband was 24, nearly 25 and I was 17.5 when we first started dating. We are happily married with four little kids. He's my best friend and there is no control/grooming going on. We are both successful professionals and if anything, I wear the pants. We've been married five years, together ten years. No end in sight ❤️
Let the past be the past. It sounds like he has grown up. Not sure of your state, in mine the age of consent is 17–so this past behavior wasn’t at all illegal. It seems he has been open with you about it.
When I was 16, I had a “relationship” with my drama teacher who was 25. It fucked me up for a long time and maybe forever. Please dump that motherfucker.
I’m 20 and I still have iffy feelings about dating an 18 year old, hard pass if they’re still in high school. Nobody in their 20s should be going after a high schooler or teenager (19 is fine for obvious reasons).
Wow that’s horrible. My dad was turning 24 when he married my 18 year old mum. She was 17 when they met. It’s their 50th wedding anniversary this October by the way 😊
As the dad of a daughter, the thought of a 24yo dating a 17yo is pretty gross. The parents being cool is pretty gross too. Not sure why he told you as that would be a hard image to get out of your head. Sounds like he saw nothing wrong with it which is the most troubling part of the story.
Do what you want. Everyone here is going to have different opinions. All that matters is what you can live with. I don't think it's as big of a deal as you're making it considering I'm sure 17 is past the age of consent, she was 2 months shy of being a legal adult, and it's not my parents of 15 (Mom) and 25 (Dad) when they got together 😑
Oh yikes (for the age gap with ur parents) but I just wanna say age of consent is just a cop out for adults wanting to fuck teenagers… Sure a 17 yo can consent, so can a 15 in my own experience but… with people in their age range. Not with full on adults that have finished puberty a long time ago and have the brain and experience of… adults
Maybe when he met her he thought she was older and already fell for her only two
Months away from 18 isn’t that crazy maybe she gave older personality idk I don’t think you should throw all that away over a relationship he had years ago seems a little crazy
I found out my ex dated a 17 year old when he was 37… and it was during our relationship lol
Could be worse lol
It’s in the past. It was stupid but you live and learn. I don’t think he is a creep. My ex is a creep lol
When you were 17 he was 24... So... If you believe that he was unaware of the true age gap when he apparently had sex with her the day they met... Then I'm not sure what the issue is. If he said that he was cruising high school parking lots or targeting young girls then I would be much more suspicious but if they hooked up at a bar and he assumed she was at least legal drinking age... Then once he already had sex with her it's kinda weird to morally object after the fact...
They have been doing that for hundred years, now its a problem. We all have bad judgment at 25. The past is past wtf. Just leave if you have a problem or grow up.
Get a grip! You said she was going to turn 18 in 2 months and her parents had no issues with it, but you obviously do. Apparently, you’re not old enough to be in a relationship yet if this turned your whole world upside down.
But you have the same age gap they had right now? Clearly you liked him despite him being older for a reason. Why couldn't it be the same for them when he was younger? Also - the family approved of them so clearly they didn't see issues with it back then either, so obviously he wasn't beeping creepy about it, or her family wouldn't have liked him.
Age gaps when both partners are in their 20s or 30s are not the same as when one is a teenager. If you think it's the same across the board then no issue if she were 10 and him 17?
Families approving doesn't mean there's nothing creepy, just that those particular individuals didn't see any issue.
So I've been married to my husband for 20 years. We met when I was 15 he was 21. I looked and acted way older. We have a 17 year old and a 13 year old are are super happy. Age is just a number. If this girl was mature it shouldn't matter. He isn't a perve. Your dramatic
I know right? Thank you very much for the kind words. Crazy world nowadays. We have been married 20 years, and honestly we cant find another couple who appears to be anywhere near as happy as we are. I guess being "groomed, manipulated, controlled", etc was a good thing in my case...lol
All I’m going to say is that in 2009 I joined the Army at 17!!! Do with that information what you choose. Age is not a very accurate measurement of character.. Not saying this is ok. Just stating facts.
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I was 16(f) and I dated a 21 year old (m) In hindsight there was a reason he didn’t t have girls his own age. 🚩
My husband. I was 16 when we met and he was 25. Worst mistake of my life because he ruined my life and as I got older I realized why he dated me so he could control me. I am 40 and am finally planning my leave
Gorl, I am so proud of you. ❤️ stay safe though! When people leave is the most dangerous time…. 💜 sending positive vibes and I’ll be thinking of you
That's so true and people don't realize that when you're out of the relationship, that's the most dangerous time. You can bet your bottom dollar that they're looking for you. I went through it myself last year. I wish that people understood how carefully you have to plan and how dangerous it is. I literally had to pack my bag while my ex was in the room sleeping. I was able to get away by sneaking out. My roommate knew what was happening and she helped me carry my stuff to the car. She said she had heard him yelling at me and she was over it. So was I. When he woke up and realized I was gone, he blew up my phone acting like he didn't know where I was. I told him over messenger that I had left him and I was done and he better not try to contact me. That's been about a year ago. Edit: I forgot to mention that we were actually living together but with another couple as roommates. They knew what he did to me so for that reason and on top of him not paying the rent like I thought he was, they threw him out the next day. I thought that he was paying rent with the money I was giving him. It turns out that he was blowing it on the woman he was cheating on me with. Best decision I ever made getting away from him. I'm still in touch with the roommates a year later and they said they've seen him because my female roommate works where he does. She said that he has gone way downhill since I left him. It's his karma for trying to control me.
Good for you! Stay strong.
I’m sorry this happened. I’m glad you are finally planning to leave and I hope you escape soon.
I just want to tell you I'm proud of you. Be safe and I want to stress to you that it's very important that you don't tell him that you're leaving. The results could be deadly. I'm not trying to scare you, I'm just telling you this so that you can stay safe. I went through the same thing last year. My ex became very verbally and financially abusive. It was also very controlling. He was actively preventing me from leaving. I've had people ask me why I didn't just leave him and I'm like, it's not that easy. People think it's as easy as packing a bag and leaving but it isn't. Especially not when he was making me come to work with him and was parking me by the window so he could see me in case I tried to leave.
Please be careful. And stack as much money as you possibly can. Don’t get your nails done, don’t buy coffee, don’t do anything but save save save.. coming from somebody that’s already tried to leave once. I was separated for a year and everything was in my husband’s name. I was so broke I counted pennies for gas, I’m not exaggerating. Meanwhile OUR companies reached 6 digits a year. The lesser of 2 evils was going back bc I literally had nothing and he was getting away with it. So stash cash every chance u get
This is exactly what I am doing. Thank you. I am planning it because I have kids and I need to show them the right way to live. I hope things get better for you and my DMs are always open
Thank u, that’s very sweet. Best of luck to u and ur kiddos..
Same here. Took me way too long to realise how stupid I was.
When I was 15, dated someone 20. 16, someone 26. When I was 17, I dated someone who was 24. All were known and approved by my mom. I’ve never had an issue with age gap relationships (my maternal grandparents met & married 18 & 38 but were together- happily- over 50 years). As an adult (37) though, I wonder. I was never able to date a guy even 2 years younger than myself.
I lost my virginity at 17 to a 24yo and dated two women ten years older than me in my early 20s - one of them is my ex-wife. At the time I thought hey, we're compatible and we like each other and who cares? I also dated plenty of women my own age - my current spouse is my age. But lately I've been wondering if I missed out on parts of my youth. I dunno. I don't think I was fully formed at 23.
'current spouse' always hits me as a sad phrase.
I think it's all about whether it's about sex or actual relationships. Unfortunately often it's about the prior. But awesome for your grandparents. It's funny though. I'm so paranoid about age now it's hard for me to date. I haven't really dated since I was 40 and I'm 53. I can't tell if someone is 35 or 55 half the time...so unless I'm approached I stay away usually.
Life experience varies. Talk to people and get to know them. If they are compatible why would it matter if they are 40 or 50.
I know but it's awkward. I look younger. Most people think 40s and so even if someone approaches me I hate saying my age because I feel like it will be...oh you're 53 ewww..lol. I know it's a stupid way to think but there it is :)
I would definitely not worry about that. If someone who thinks you're 45 and is attracted to you that is not going to change when they find out your 55. Esp as you get older like we are that matters less and less
This is the key though. A high-school student has no comparable life experience with a full grow adult who's been out of high-school for 5+ years. The only two probable outcomes are the young girl winds up being manipulated and used, or winds up going nowhere because she itched her wagon to a looser. If your 24 years old and find you current life situation is compatable with that of a highschooler you're a looser
Ayo, I think your mom was severely neglectful, friend. She should have been protecting you from predatory older men, not cosigning it. And, I'm sorry to say, but your grandma was a victim. Of course, at 18 and living in an era where she was expected to marry and have babies, with very little other opportunities, she would have thought marrying an older man would mean comfort and status. They can say they were happy, but could they divorce? Could your grandma have her own full-time job and make good money on her own? Own property? Have her own bank account? Think about it.
I second the FUCK out of this
Why would you want to fuck with someone’s memory like that? Who the fuck are you to say that her grandparents weren’t happy? so what that was the era that they were living in!! They were also happy to live that way because they didn’t know anything different and they were probably better off than we are in this day and age.
My 21 year old brother met a 17 old drinking at a bar. They left the bar together that night. They had sex. 2 days later he finds out she is still in high school. No second date.
Yep. I had a lot of realizations when I turned 24-25 🙃 and yep, they were all losers
As a woman who dated a 23 year old when I was 17, this is not good. I didn’t understand the dynamics at that age and he would often use his age as a means to control and manipulate me.
I experienced the same thing! I had no idea until years later, now I can’t believe I did it. My parents grew to hate him
I am 23 now and can’t fathom dating a 17 y/o
Yeah it was so glaringly obvious that we were in 2 totally different life stages. I was going into college, he was finished with college and working in a career. We couldn’t even go out too much because I couldn’t get in anywhere 21+
I am 30 and can't fathom dating a 24 y/o.
We all think we're grown up at 17 and so proud to attract an older man. We never see the power imbalance or consider why an older guy would want a relationship with a child.
when I was 23, I dated a 17 year old. She initially lied about her age when I met, we developed strong feelings pretty quickly, and eventually as we were deep into “talking” she admitted she was 17 and I was so into her I was willing to overlook it. It was honestly a pretty normal relationship when it was “just us”, we go on dates, hang out, laugh together, enjoy each others company. It was easy to forget the age gap when we were sat on the couch. Our constant source of conflict (and one we could unsurprisingly never get over) was fitting into each other’s life. She felt really uncomfortable around my friends and I felt really uncomfortable around her friends. And with hindsight - seems pretty damn obvious considering my friends all were working full time jobs and had degrees and she was literally living in freshman dorms.
Literally this, I also dated a couple guys that were the 23-24 range when I was 16-17. As I grew up I started to realize that they were just emotionally immature people. They used that against me and manipulated me because I was young and didn’t know better. Def a red flag for this guy.
Not every person is a manipulator.
i was a 16 year old girl dating a 20 year old in highschool. he ended up cheating on me and left me for a 15 year old .. looking back this relationship was never okay and i was 100% groomed. he had me tell his parents i was 18 when i first met them. these men know it’s wrong, i would leave if i was you.
When I was 18 and I dated a 35 years old. When I turned 30, he told me I had changed and dumped me for another twenty something. I wasted my youth. Op should listen.
[удалено]
thank you, i have a ton of trauma from that man that still affects me to this day and i’m 24 now.
>I also want to add they met at a bar, so he initially thought she was at least 21 when they hooked up that night. He drank a lot during this time and that’s mainly what they did together but he has been sober for 6 years now This is important information, He's not hanging around schools looking for young girls he's in a bar. I had a similar experience, I didn't realise until she sent me a Facebook event invite to her 18th 3 months into the relationship. I was the last to know, because I never point blank asked her age.
Seems to be a lot of readers cherry picking and ignoring this most important point he had no idea.
it is in the edit, so it’s possible that people genuinely didn’t see it. but i raised the question of did he not know the entire relationship and that’s why they broke up OR did he find this out a good time before breaking up? because that’s also important context to this story and will change entirely how i feel about it
It clearly says **initially**. So he found out shortly after, but continued the relationship. Being an alcoholic doesn’t make you continue a whole ass relationship. There’s no “cherry picking” because the most important part is that HE KNEW
My ex once told me he slept with a 16 year old when he was 21, his instructor's daughter. That was the end of the relationship for me, because 1) that's sus and also illegal 2) the fact that he didn't think through the consequences (and there were consequences) of doing this before going through with it showed me that he cannot be trusted to make good decisions
Just by the way, there's quite a few states in which that's not illegal at all.
Just because it’s not illegal in some places doesn’t make it any less fucking gross and predatory..
General population consent in those places tends to be that it is not automatically "gross and predatory", hence why not illegal. Most other nations in the world have different limits as well and 5 years may be within reason often, that is if both sides want a relationship and not just sex, because the later is when it is gross and should be illegal.
In some areas of the world you can legally sleep with someone as young as 12 (I think younger in some places but I’m not 100% sure) just because it’s legal doesn’t make it disgusting and wrong. When people use the word “legal” when discussing this topic my question is if the law wasn’t an issue how young do you think is too young? How could anyone not see what’s wrong with such a big age gap at such a young age. 25 and 35 is different from 15 and 25, I wouldn’t even bat an eye at 30 and 50 as long as both met well into the younger ones adulthood but I’m sorry if you cant order a drink at a bar nobody should be thinking about how old your date can be.
This response is always interesting because there’s a lot of things that aren’t illegal that should be. In said states I wonder what caused that law to be set in place? Maybe men just couldn’t help themselves so they said let’s just do away with it…
The legal age is France is 15. A 21 year old sleeping with a 15 year old is still pretty horrific.
That would be illegal in France. The max age gap is 5 years. But I get your point a 20 year old and a 15 year old is still a big difference. In Belgium where I live, it’s 16 and there is also a close of age exception of 3 years when they are 14 of 15. However, a minor can never voluntarily consent to sexual acts with blood relatives and (extended) family members, with persons who exercise a recognised position of trust, authority or influence over the minor or when it concerns prostitution.
oh I just know you check the legal age of every state you visit
Not condoning this but to claim he can't be trusted to make good decisions based on that isn't a good measuring stick. Executive functioning isn't fully developed until about 24/25. This part of your brain is responsible for things like inhibition, consequences, planning, pretty much most of your higher thinking. I definitely think it's not okay, just like drink driving or shoplifting but this age group is still making some bad decisions more frequently.
My friend, this was the final straw after a series of questionable situations - some of which were very obvious bad decisions that he should have been able to figure out by then.
But he probably did know. I had an ex who fantasized about 17 year olds when he was 25. It wasn’t because of his poor executive functioning, it’s because he was a predator. I, however, had extremely poor judgment and low self esteem at 23 to not dump him sooner.
My European self finds this so odd. Never ever would I consider this a problem. (for the record, I'm F(36) with female children)
Idk man, where I am from (The Netherlands) the age of consent is 16 but its still heavily frowned upon to date someone younger than 18 when you are older than that.
Really? I dont feel like 18 and 16 are frowned upon at all.
18 and 16 no. 18 and 15 or 14 yes. And also illegal, Belgium here. And if you are below 18 a 19 year old can’t have sex with you if they are blood relatives, (extended) family members, a person who exercise a recognised position of trust, authority or influence over the minor or when it concerns prostitution. Of course the law is more aimed at the 20+ predators with authority/ trust and loverboys that force young girls into prostitution.
It isn't and it shouldn't be. It's a perfectly normal age gap
I think the point was legal or not, dating within the same age group is appropriate but when you aren’t in that group it isn’t. I don’t think it meant a literal “17 yrs and 11.5 months is Ok to date a 16 yr old but the moment you turn 18, it is not. “
Same, I was 17 with a 24 year old boyfriend, didn't think it was weird at the time. Parents didn't either. He was an asshole though, got rid of him eventually. I'm irish
Same, and I'm in the US. He wasn't immature. When he asked me out, he thought I was older. He had no idea I was only 17. We only dated a few months because he was working and taking classes and I was starting college. My parents thought it was weird but then again, my dad was suspicious of anyone I dated.
Girls mature faster than guys as well, so I don't think it's overall weird or creepy. My guy definitely was immature, I was the brains of the relationship at 17 🤦🏻♀️
16 and 21? Nah man. That's not a European acceptance, that's just you accepting it. I definitely find it problematic.
It's not because you're european lol
I’m more interested in how he talks about it now. Is he able to own it was wrong? Does he understand why? That would determine the course of action.
It got brought up when we were talking about relationships we regretted so thank god he does realize it was not right. However, he tried to use being an alcoholic then as an excuse for why he did it, so maybe that’s bad too like not taking accountability for it?
It's not necessarily an excuse...it's just what he was. I mean it was 10 years ago...a decade...he's not been some sort of predator according to you so why is this even an issue?
Exactly this! Has he ever displayed any kind of predatory behavior? If not what's the issue?! I can't believe your life is upside down over this! Laugh and move on and enjoy your relationship! Assuming he's an all round good guy other than your perception of a decade old relationship? A 24 year old boy doesn't have much between the ears!
Thank God I found other emotionally stable/logical people on this app.
I think this is pretty significant, that he regrets it. I can’t imagine entertaining staying with him if he was acting like it was ok. And I don’t think him acting like alcoholism is an excuse is terrible. I mean, in some cases I’d think being an alcoholic can probably make it really hard to do what you feel is right. Doesn’t make it ok, but it is a difficult circumstance that might explain why although he did this shitty thing then, he’s not likely to in the future.
If he's a good man now, that's the important thing...
Sadly, noone is good enough for Redditors lmao
Exactly. I made a mistake and dated someone younger by accident and it was so awkward and weird dating her, especially when I found out her age. Thank God we never had sex. (She was legal 19 BTW it was just weird)
It's been 10 years. He knows he's wrong and he trusted you enough to tell you about it when he could have hidden it. I'd let it go. People make mistakes, but they don't need to be branded for life because of it.
This should be higher! Especially after reading the edit that it’s only been 2 girls including OP that were younger
I was 17 and dated a 24 year old. He also told people that he didn’t know how old I was when we met at a party. It was my best friends 17th birthday party. It was written on the banner, the cake, we talked about how we were excited to graduate high school later that year. He knew. And it took me a very long time to realize how fucked up that relationship was and the weird ass power dynamic that existed in it. Like others have said, there was a reason women his own age didn’t like him.
A 24-year-old dating a 17-year-old is just plain sketchy, even if her parents were cool with it. That kind of age gap when you're that young is a major red flag in my book.
When I was 22 a teenager wanted to date me. Hard pass!! No! No! My age or older is what I dated when I was in my 20s. Thank god I met my wife at 23! I hates the dating world back then and I hear it is even worse now. Happily married and getting older 17 years now.
If he doesn't look back at that time of his life and cringe that says a lot. If we're not kicking ourselves for some past behaviors did we even learn from them?
He does regret that whole time period of life. He drank heavily & used pills from ages 21-25 but has been completely sober for 6 years now. This is what I’m struggling with. I feel like he’s not the same person as he was then, but it’s still really gross to me.
OP based on your update it sounds like you're making a mountain out of a molehill. You initially made it seem like he looked back at his relationship with fondness. What do you want him to do? He can't take it back. He's sober, he's making better decisions. I hate to say "10 years ago was a different time" but it was. The idea that we can publicly scold men for being predatory and it has any weight is somewhat new to me. I'm 32 and I dated legal "adults" when I was a teen, some were older. If I could take back some of those relationships or hookups I would. It was so normalized to me. Because you're younger, the concept of adults dating minors being a No-No, is your normal. I love to see this is the new normal. Some of us millennials barely survived the dark ages. I get it, everyone wants to execute him for dating a minor but the hope for people who do questionable things **(for me anyway)** is that they don't repeat their mistakes. He's sober , he seems happy with you, what are you hoping to achieve here? Do you need reassurance that he's a perv? We don't know him. Do you want reassurance that he's not into women much younger? We don't know him but according to you he has a rich dating history with women of all ages. This 17 yo girl was in a bar it could have been someone other than your boyfriend. It's not like he stalked her at the bus stop. Just speak to him, tell him how this affects the way you view him.
Exactly this. Not like he was hanging around high schools trying to pick up girls. It was 10 years ago when he was drinking and taking pills, and he is sober now so seems like he is able to better himself and his life.
Then speak to him, be direct. Tell him it makes you worried that he has a questionable preference for younger women. It's his job to reassure you.
But does he acknowledge how gross that age gap was and the power dynamics? Have you asked why he felt ok sticking around once he realized she was in fact not 21? Does he talk about it as in: I can’t believe I did that, that was a really bad choice and if I could go back I’d undo it? Kinda sounds like he just regrets the drinking and wasting time… and also that you reacted poorly, not that he actually sees what he did would still be wrong sober. But I could be filling in gaps incorrectly. I talk to men in my life about age gaps a decent amount and it’s shocking how few see an issue with it initially, but in all cases so far when I say “what if she’s 18 fresh out of high school and you’re 24 already done undergrad” they immediately go “ok yeah that’s gross”. That’s the only logical reaction
It was the past and it didn't work out for obvious reasons, you're dating him in the present, if that's the only red flag you have, then you're deeping it and looking for a reason to leave It's not that big a deal, the past is the past
Frr plus 17 isnt even illegal. In your 20(20/25) youre barely a matured adult and most often still act like a teen, so they were both not matured lol
oh shit it's my time to shine. I found out an ex of mine had slept with a 17 year old who "came on to him and his then-girlfriend" when he was about 30 and his girlfriend was in her 20s. He had a history of age gap relationships, including with me, especially after this as he got older. At one time he also dated a 22 year old when he was 39. It's way more common than you think, and I have yet to meet a man that feels genuinely guilty about it or even thinks it could be a bad thing. not sure which is worse, dating a 17 year old as a 30-something or having a ONS with them.
Might as well leave, sounds like your going to age out soon anyways
He’s gonna Leonardo DiCaprio me! But all his other exes are 2-6 years old. We are the only 2 younger ones.
Mmm he told you that after he saw your disgust. He also told you he met her at a club - after he saw your disgust. I wouldn’t trust it
By the end of Leo’s movie premieres, his dates are too old for him
Did he take advantage of the age difference to be abusive? If not, then I would let it go. It doesn't sound like a trend. I don't think that age gap is the end of the world necessarily. It is a problem when the older person is abusive. No I have never dated anyone younger than me.
Might want to rephrase that.
That sounds like a very convenient lie he told you.
You read my mind. She will soon be past the expiration date and he will find someone younger
Sounds like he's dodging a bullet if neurotic overthinking anyway so she being a saint by not wasting anymore of his time before he finds a 23 yo lol
In the VERY least, you need to have a conversation about what this will look like IF you guys have a daughter together down the road. I know it’s a long ways away, but you don’t want your world crashing down again when he doesn’t mind his 17 year old daughter dating a man in his 20’s.
This is such a good point. They need to have this conversation.
This is honestly the point that should matter the most to OP.
I just took a look at the comments. I am sooo going to get roasted for this… I am torn. I am a woman and I almost always land on the side of the sisterhood and protection of the sisterhood is super important to me. I am outraged at any form of abuse and I def roll my eyes when a guy in his 30s+ goes trolling for someone in their early 20s. Here’s the thing though…I was once a teenage girl. My friends were once teenage girls. One friend went to a bar, lied abt her age, and started dating a 23 year old. Was he a predator? Absolutely not. By the time he realized she had lied abt her age he was totally besotted. He tried to dump her because she was still in high school. She wouldn’t let him. Sounds ridiculous but that is actually how it played out. She was entirely more mature than he was and she def wore the pants in the relationship. Still does. They got married half a decade later and have kids in their late 20s / early 30s now. As an adult the math absolutely makes me cringe but he was not and is not THAT guy. Never was. I think we sometime infantilize women and in doing so we take away their agency. 18-24, esp if it isn’t a trend, might not be as big of an issue as it sounds. As an 18 year old girl, I was absolutely interested in guys who were 20-25. Most of us were and you know why? …Because girls mature faster and 18 year old guys are, on average, kinda dumb and super immature. Think it is def worth asking the question. Just not sure it is always as clear cut as Reddit would have us believe.
Agree 💯.. I consistently dated older guys because I found them more interesting than the men/boys my own age. I never once have looked back on those relationships as being predatory in nature. Not everything is black and white.
This is the most reasonable, honest take I've heard... You just saved me the time in writing myself. Thank you
Personally, I would struggle to continue a relationship with someone who had done that. I don’t see how a full adult dating a teenager can be anything but predatory.
I know a lot of people in their 20s who are socially, emotionally, intellectually, and in pretty much every way no different than 17 year olds. It's a shame, but it feels like society has really stunted the Gen Z/Millenial youth. Social media keeps everyone so plugged in all of the time that it feels like socially and culturally you never really age out of youth culture, and with the way the economy is, a lot of people in their 20s haven't started careers, don't have college degrees, don't own homes, aren't getting married, aren't having kids, etc. The American dream feels unreachable. Not to excuse weird behavior, but I'm offering some insight to the "I don’t see how a full adult dating a teenager can be anything but predatory." remark. I think it's weird, but it can definitely not be predatory.
But even with all that taken into account - at 17 this girl was in high school. At 24 he could’ve been done his undergrad and potentially even done a masters degree, or 6 years into a full time job. I know you say some people haven’t started any of that, and sure. But he’s gotta afford to live somehow so at the bare minimum he’s working to pay rent and is 6 years out of school. It definitely is predatory to be at an age where you’re leaving either your graduate degree of adult job and picking up your sexual partner from her high school…
Sure, but by what OP says, it doesn't seem like he was. Sounds like he finished high school and then got hooked on pills and alcohol for 6 years and didn't advance his life at all. OP also says this 17 year old was at a bar drinking and socializing and that they hooked up as a result of that. So instead of your narrative where you're making it sound as bad as possible by saying "he's picking her up from her high school", in reality it sounds like she picked him up at a bar she went to because she was into older guys, which isn't as unusual as you'd think it is. Gross? Sure, but somewhat common.
She already graduated high school & was going into her freshman year of college. He graduated high school at 19 and worked random serving jobs until he went to a trade school at 27. No offense to my dumb potentially creepy bf, but she was definitely smarter than him at that stage in his life.
My ex wife graduated high school at 16 and undergrad at 20. I was 2 years older than her and took a year off so when we started college I was 19 and she was 17. We got married at 21/23. She “groomed” me to be who she wanted because I was a naive kid with conservative parents from the country and she came from liberal parents (yuppies) with money from the city. She introduced me to all sorts of sexual stuff I had never heard of. She pushed me to do things I was often uncomfortable with. She was very controlling and manipulative even tho I was 2 years older. After I graduated undergrad I got a job to support her while she worked on her masters degree. As soon as she finished she left me. Thing is, it worked out in most ways in the end but it fucked me up for a while after we divorced because of the abuse I endured when I stopped following her plan for my life. The thing that most people don’t understand is that some young women (and men for that matter) can be incredibly manipulative and coercive and fuck with people who are older than them. My friend did 2 years in jail and is a registered sex offender because he started talking to a girl online who said she was 19 when she was actually 17. They met right before her 18th birthday and fooled around (not sex just touching). Her dad found out about it and called the cops. He was 22, a total nerd, and had 0 dating experience before her. They lived in separate cities and she said she was going to community college but she was actually in high school going to a local community college for advanced credits.
Is your boyfriend Seth Rogan?😂
Stop 😭 Pineapple Express is one of our favorite movies too.
Babe, if he was moving weird still he'd be going for 17 year olds to this day. If you truly think this man is the one I'd look past this. It can be creepy, but it can also be not creepy. Given the context, I lean in the non creepy gang - late 20s woman's opinion. I had experience with both types at the age of 17/18, so I do have qualifications to judge lol.
But he hadn't. He was using drugs and an alcoholic. Probably at a very immature state of development psychologically. The OP gives no evidence that he is a sexual predator other than this misguided relationship that began under false pretenses, involved drug and alcohol use and the blessings of the 17 year old's parents.
How do you figure she was in high school? MANY people graduate at 17 and don’t turn 18 until fall or winter. I know, because that was me. She very well could have been in college or living independently and working full-time.
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The 17 year old girl who was in the bar who flirted with and hooked up with a 24 year old? Like come on dude, don't act like you aren't aware that there are people like this.
I don’t think a 24 yo being immature makes it ok for him to be dating a teen. The problem with a 24 yo man dating a teen girl is that she’s being victimized, not that they might not have enough to talk about because he’s too mature.
Because age doesn’t define maturity. I know 30 year olds who are just as chaotic and immature as the day they graduated high school because they were sheltered and didn’t experience things that would force them to mature. Maturity comes with life experiences, not age. His brain likely wasn’t fully developed either and he had a drinking problem. Predatory behavior is not based on age difference but how you treat someone.
While it is concerning given the facts ( hopefully true) at that time they met it was in a bar, anyone would assume the girl to be 21 or over. She was deceiving about that. Now if he found out immediately and he continued seeing her then I would definitely be having second thoughts. But when you’re an alcoholic and abusing drugs your mental capacity is limited. Not that it should be a pass, but take into account that maybe just maybe he wasn’t able to fully understand what he was doing. Now some years later you find out that he (just turned 24) dating a young lady who in 2 months was turning 18. If he has any remorse for what he did and the choices he made while being drunk/under the influence I would say to at least try and get him to counseling. Two years is a long time to not try if he was a good person through that time. This is my opinion. You were 25 and him 32 when you met, both adults so it’s not he was chases teens. But if you are uncomfortable and uncertain then leave him and be happy
I was 17 dating someone who was about 25. Looking back on it now there was absolutely no reason a 17 year old should've been with a 25 year old. I turned 18 3 months after we started dating. There's no conceivable reason he should've been dating a 17 year old. That in itself should have been a red flag. Would've saved me a lot of trauma if I had seen it at the time.
I dated someone when I was 15 who was 22 and he was extremely predatory and evil. Now I’m 23 and I’m still traumatized over the experience. :(
Unpopular opinion here, I've met 18 year old girls who have their shit together more than 30 year olds. Obviously when you're young a bigger age difference is tough to deal with, but if they both love and respect each other what's the big deal, they're both adults. Obviously age is important, but some people treat it like it's the only thing that matters. Don't throw away a relationship because of something he did in the past, that he regrets. People make mistakes and people change. Just sit down and talk to him and express your feelings. I swear, people here always just pull out the swords at any freaking situation and expect every little issue to be a relationship ender
I'm with this guy. I once dated someone who was 17 turning 18 when I was 24. We met at a party and I legit thought she was around the same age as me. After the party I found out she is living alone in a little town and had a job + car and was well into achieving some of her life goals. On the second date, I found out her age and it shocked me, I wanted to end it there but she seemed so mature and more put together than a lot of my peers so I decided to give it a shot. Only lasted 1 year because of the distance and covid lockdowns but it's a relationship I look back at and cherish because she was a wonderful person. I decided I wouldn't do that again though because I always felt guilty about the age gap and people's perceptions even though all our time together was wonderful. I'd be horrified if someone now wanted to break up with me over that. Funnily enough after we broke up she started dating someone even older and they've been together for like 4 years now.
Sure, but the whole “she’s mature for her age” is a classic predator scapegoat fyi (not implying anything about you, just letting you know). No girl in high school “has her shit together” more than a man with 6 years of work/post-secondary experience. She’s only lived a life within the confines of grade school and he’s a grown adult. When you’re 30 and 36+, totally. You’ve both lived life and have had to be adults with independence and decision-making power. And your frontal lobe is fully developed. But at 17 she might not even have her PERIOD yet. Many girls at my school didn’t until their last year. Just to put that in perspective
I was just at a party. I myself am 25f and my partner is 27m. It was a joint party our buddy was throwing with his sister. Our friends (around our age) and her friends (17-20). I’m not saying anything about the actual question on hand, but I was SHOCKED when all the 17-20 year olds looked 25-30. Like my friends looked younger than some and I was like…. So confused. Even one drunk 18yr old was like “why have I never seen you around?” She legit thought I was like 20. (Personally I think I look my age) but these girls idk why looked so old.
I don't know any girl that was 17 or older when they first got their period. Average age is 12 so there's something strange going on in your town. I've seen many 17 and 18 years olds that 'had their shit together'. Supporting themselves or helping support their family. It used to be very common. It only seems to be this recent generation of teenagers that act like children, incapable of doing their own things.
I for some reason always liked older guys. When I was 16 my boyfriend was 20. I was almost 17. When I was 19 my boyfriend was 26 and we’ve been happily married for almost 23 yrs. Been together 26 yrs now. He is the most respectful amazing husband and father that I know.
Im the same! At 18 I dated a 25 year old for a couple months. Later still 18 i met my husband he was 28 been together for 12 tears… literally my best friend!
So at the end of your hot take you defend your BF by saying they met at a bar and drank alot together and he thought she was 21 And he drank alot back then so you discredit any of his relationships or responsibilities etc because hey he drank alot and doesnt now so he is more credible and his morales are better. It sounds like you want to be horrified but really you are a hypocrite I don’t understand the difference between 17/25 vs 25/32 vs 35/42 vs 53/60 Its not like he was 27 and dated a 14 year old. Im not condoning the age difference but your age difference is the same as theirs. You admit he was immature amd foolish Why are you creating drama where there is none. You either love him or you dont.
She also admits in all his other relationships the age gap is 2-6 years with him being younger than the women too
Maturity plays a factor to age too, the whole barely legal and older had always been a strong controversy. Girl could be mature, guy could be immature. Young people make stupid decisions, often regret it, grow, and learn from it. If it was consensual, and he’s not the same person anymore, grown and matured, I’d not make a big deal out of it. Not sure why everyone is telling you to leave him.
so he has a track record of specifically going after younger women? i would like an update about 20 years after the wedding lmao.
I don’t think it’s that big of a deal.
Idk. I guess discuss it more with him. It sounds like a very questionable decision. It also happened a decade ago. He may give reasons that make you feel better and maybe not. People can also change a lot over that time period. If it isn’t causing issues now, then it’s up to you to decide whether you can live with knowing this or not since that can of worms is already openedx
If you feel the ick about what happened in the past, it can't be helped, you feel what you feel. But if you're worried about the future, let's talk about what's actually here, in the present. 1. Have you seen any red flags in your actual relationship with him? 2. Have you seen any *potential* red flags that are related to age differences?
So he dated someone younger 10 years ago? I fail to see why this is a problem.
So you are punishing him for something that was 10 years ago, he regrets, and wouldn't even be seen as wrong in most other nations? Well if you don't have problems you have to create your own, I guess.
Is he nice to you? Do you feel loved by him? Do you feel he will cheat on you? Did him commit a crime? If no, it’s none of your concern what his past relationships were like. Everybody grows up and becomes better if they choose to work on themselves.
Yikes! I read your other comments. Do this guy a favour and dump him. You are toxic af.
If he’s a good partner now you’re overthinking it. We all know There’s way too many women out here who knowingly dated older guys. Everyone has a past , if they have moved on for the best that’s all that matters imo
i’ve just turned 20 (m) and wouldn’t go for someone under 18. when you add four years on it makes it even weirder. i get your bf thought she was 21 or over but he should’ve still asked. if he admits it was bad and regrets what he did then i think it’s something you could move on from. definitely talk to him about if you did have kids what would be his opinion of his daughter dating someone a lot older than her. that might be the most important conversation you need to have
I think its gross but you need to figure out how you feel. Don't get engaged now you should date for longer, people change in good ways and bad, give it more time. A lot more time. I'm at the age where all my friends are getting divorced even the ones who seemingly had good relationships. Marriage is a very serious endeavor.
Personally, I think you subconsciously already know what you want to do and are perhaps looking, subconsciously, for permission to do so: you have made two edits/ amendments defending his actions...."those saying he goes after younger girls, yada yada." And "he met her at a bar, so, he thought she was 21." My point I guess is this: most people don't really acknowledge it, but most people don't really understand themselves, what they want, why they do what they do. We act based on impulse and genetic programming and experience in the moment, and then quickly, subconsciously, create the stories we tell ourselves about WHY afterwards in most every case.... whatever your reasoning was, whether you were totally conscious of the real reason, or not, that brought you here to ask peoples opinions on the situation....you already KNOW what you want to do, whether you've touched it consciously or not: why would you post this, ask what you asked almost as though your looking for people to agree that its messed up..... only to make edits attempting to mitigate some people's harsh perceptions of his actions? Where did the impulse to defend him/the actions come from? Why would you in any soften the edges of actions that you yourself find wrong? With the limited information I have, I would think the most likely answer is deep down you love him, and want to be with him, you've already given the reasons why it isn't some kind of pervy predator behavior yourself...you have possibly been conditioned to feel you SHOULD feel more upset, and possibly are looking for permission to overlook it and move on. Possibly you are legitimately bothered by it on some level, but you also love him, and you have told yourself the mitigating factors, and are essentially just trying to find a way to make it all fit in a way where your internal voice will be quiet about it all and accept it....in which case I would say, it seems to me you already know which one out weighs the other, you just have to find a way to quiet your own mind about it. At the core, all I'm really saying is, it seems to me, based on some of the things you've said, that whether your conscious of it or not, you've already decided you want to stay with him and this isn't a good reason to leave a good man, you just haven't entirely come to terms with that and what it means for your own self conception and who you need to perceive yourself as. Personally? That isn't a sufficient red flag on its own to make the choice to leave an otherwise great relationship with a good man whom you have thought about, and can see yourself happily marrying. Just my two cents.
It sounds like he's in a very different place now so I would not hold it against him. I don't see that as a really big age difference .. especially at that age. I am a little surprised that you're just finding out about this element of his dating history now as opposed to before you started cohabiting. Did he keep this information from you? I would find that more upsetting than the age difference. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd just be finding this out now after 2+ years of dating. I mean, learning about past relationships is part of the 'getting to know you' that happens before setting up together as housemates. So, how did that get left out until now? (Age gaps in an of themselves are not a big deal.. there is a 13 year difference between me and my partner so I speak from experience).
Alot of creeps in this thread of comments. 24 dating a 17 year old is not ok [whether it's legal in some states or not], but this was 10 years ago. If he's moved on from it and realizes the situation and understands why it was bad and feels bad about it, I think it's something to be forgiven and is in the past. If you don't like it, that's ok too. Date the guy, don't date the guy, that's your decision.
Lol not a big deal especially after reading your edits. Leaving over something minor like that is whack but it’s your call of course
What’s the big deal you have the same age difference?
I do not see a problem with it.
I mean you’re 25 now, go look at some 18-19 year olds and consider being in a relationship with someone at that stage in life. That should clarify things!
The best relationship advice anyone could give you is to not ask for relationship advice on Reddit. This place is full of extremist loners who'd even suggest breaking up if you were dating Jesus Christ himself. Make your own decision based on what you've found out and what he's told you.
it's been 10 years ago, she's your age now. No need to get jealous at the past.
Would it change if she was 18? Honestly- not a big deal since she was only two months away.
In the first place, don’t see a big issue with the difference between a 17 year old vs an 18 year old. I dated mostly older guys when I was in high school. Girls mature more quickly than boys—it’s a scientific fact. I remember thinking boys my age were just too childish, and they were. I married a 26 year old when I was 19. When I was 26 we had our first baby, who is 40 now. We celebrated our 47th wedding anniversary last April. It never once occurred to me that he was too old, or that the difference in our ages would be an issue. My parents knew him and his family for years before we started dating, and they encouraged the relationship—because they knew him to be a good guy. I think people are too quick to judge these days. Life is not black or white. Just because a person finds themselves attracted to someone who is younger doesn’t mean they have nefarious motives. It’s one thing if they are forcing themselves on someone else, but if the feelings are reciprocal and the people are both emotionally intelligent individuals, then I think society should just butt the hell out. The idea that you love this man and had no major issues in your relationship until you found this bit of information, and now you are thing of ending it is weird to me. It happened years ago, and you said yourself that he thought she was of legal age when they met. So what’s your issue? I can think of a lot worse things he could have been doing.
Yeah even with the edit, he’s CHOOSING to date young girls (I mean no offence, but as a 37 year old woman, I remember I was still very inexperienced in life at 24). He has dated older women or women his age before and realised he cannot manipulate and “mould” them. He’s not dating you as a human woman with wants, needs, etc. he’s dating your age hoping to control the relationship.
Oh no ew...dating younger is fine to an extent but only if both people are at least above 21 years old *when they meet*. Hell I'm 26 and would refuse to date someone younger than 23-24
It's fine. It happened 10 years ago. 17 is considered adult in many countries. Is he a good person? A loving caring boyfriend to you? That's more important.
The man I’m engaged to now dated a 15 year old when he was 20. She was almost 16 and he had just turned 20 but it still grossed me out. I knew them both back then also and it didn’t bother me back then because idk she was in the friend group and I just didn’t think about it. Anyways fast forward to now he and I got together 10 years ago. So I’ve known him 21 years and he is one of the best human beings I know. So, I do think it’s circumstantial sometimes. I realize I’m probably going to get hate for this, but are there any other red flags? I would proceed with caution and go with you gut.
My husband was 24, nearly 25 and I was 17.5 when we first started dating. We are happily married with four little kids. He's my best friend and there is no control/grooming going on. We are both successful professionals and if anything, I wear the pants. We've been married five years, together ten years. No end in sight ❤️
Let the past be the past. It sounds like he has grown up. Not sure of your state, in mine the age of consent is 17–so this past behavior wasn’t at all illegal. It seems he has been open with you about it.
When I was 16, I had a “relationship” with my drama teacher who was 25. It fucked me up for a long time and maybe forever. Please dump that motherfucker.
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Thank you. That’s very kind of you. As for the downvotes, well, those folks are just telling on themselves, know what I mean?
I’m 20 and I still have iffy feelings about dating an 18 year old, hard pass if they’re still in high school. Nobody in their 20s should be going after a high schooler or teenager (19 is fine for obvious reasons).
You people need to stop focusing on age differences so much. This is perfectly fine.
Me personally, this would give me the ick every time I see him and I’d feel being with him is beneath me.
Wow that’s horrible. My dad was turning 24 when he married my 18 year old mum. She was 17 when they met. It’s their 50th wedding anniversary this October by the way 😊
As the dad of a daughter, the thought of a 24yo dating a 17yo is pretty gross. The parents being cool is pretty gross too. Not sure why he told you as that would be a hard image to get out of your head. Sounds like he saw nothing wrong with it which is the most troubling part of the story.
Do what you want. Everyone here is going to have different opinions. All that matters is what you can live with. I don't think it's as big of a deal as you're making it considering I'm sure 17 is past the age of consent, she was 2 months shy of being a legal adult, and it's not my parents of 15 (Mom) and 25 (Dad) when they got together 😑
Oh yikes (for the age gap with ur parents) but I just wanna say age of consent is just a cop out for adults wanting to fuck teenagers… Sure a 17 yo can consent, so can a 15 in my own experience but… with people in their age range. Not with full on adults that have finished puberty a long time ago and have the brain and experience of… adults
Definitely agree.
Maybe when he met her he thought she was older and already fell for her only two Months away from 18 isn’t that crazy maybe she gave older personality idk I don’t think you should throw all that away over a relationship he had years ago seems a little crazy
A magic switch doesn't flip the day they turn 18 to make them not a teenager anymore
But it does make them an adult by law. Get over it
I found out my ex dated a 17 year old when he was 37… and it was during our relationship lol Could be worse lol It’s in the past. It was stupid but you live and learn. I don’t think he is a creep. My ex is a creep lol
Would you have sex with a 17 year old?
You Zoomers need calm the fuck down with the hyperbolic weirdness
Big age difference is still creepy when you're older IMO
What's your problem? That's a very natural age gap at those ages.
When you were 17 he was 24... So... If you believe that he was unaware of the true age gap when he apparently had sex with her the day they met... Then I'm not sure what the issue is. If he said that he was cruising high school parking lots or targeting young girls then I would be much more suspicious but if they hooked up at a bar and he assumed she was at least legal drinking age... Then once he already had sex with her it's kinda weird to morally object after the fact...
They have been doing that for hundred years, now its a problem. We all have bad judgment at 25. The past is past wtf. Just leave if you have a problem or grow up.
Get over it!
Get a grip! You said she was going to turn 18 in 2 months and her parents had no issues with it, but you obviously do. Apparently, you’re not old enough to be in a relationship yet if this turned your whole world upside down.
But you have the same age gap they had right now? Clearly you liked him despite him being older for a reason. Why couldn't it be the same for them when he was younger? Also - the family approved of them so clearly they didn't see issues with it back then either, so obviously he wasn't beeping creepy about it, or her family wouldn't have liked him.
Age gaps when both partners are in their 20s or 30s are not the same as when one is a teenager. If you think it's the same across the board then no issue if she were 10 and him 17? Families approving doesn't mean there's nothing creepy, just that those particular individuals didn't see any issue.
So I've been married to my husband for 20 years. We met when I was 15 he was 21. I looked and acted way older. We have a 17 year old and a 13 year old are are super happy. Age is just a number. If this girl was mature it shouldn't matter. He isn't a perve. Your dramatic
When you were 21 could you have ever dated a 15 year old? Would you be happy of your teenagers were dating adults in their 20s?
People genuinely angry cause you're happily married! Well done you.
I know right? Thank you very much for the kind words. Crazy world nowadays. We have been married 20 years, and honestly we cant find another couple who appears to be anywhere near as happy as we are. I guess being "groomed, manipulated, controlled", etc was a good thing in my case...lol
Thank u. It works for us and isn't nasty or bad at all
A minoooooooor
All I’m going to say is that in 2009 I joined the Army at 17!!! Do with that information what you choose. Age is not a very accurate measurement of character.. Not saying this is ok. Just stating facts.
Your literally implying it is ok though
If that’s how you take it. Pea brain.
The way he discusses it would make all of the difference for me. Everyone has things they’re ashamed of but, it sounds like he’s trickletruthing you.