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Ok…. He is very controlling. He is not concerned for you. He wants to control
You. He does not love you. He wants to own you. This will be the rest of your life,
Unless you gtfo now.
Dude's a controlling asshole. Get the fuck out. I'd love to be in Washington harvesting shellfish. Vietnamese are expert fishermen and if I was in his shoes, I'd welcome them showing me the ropes. Sometimes couples are incompatible, and this is the classic example.
He even had the ball to say since he is the financial provider, he can control her and she can leave if she doesn't like it. It is his way or the highway.
I can only imagine it can only go downhill from there. He probably is one of those "conservative Christian" and women must submit to men. She will be his personal slave until he find another mistress.
Walk. He won't make you happy.
Update: Darn,I just realized op is Vietnamese and Vietnamese family is very tight. Op, you are sacrificing your family for a white guy?! They invested so much in you and you just gave up on them for a white guy? Your celestial ancestors are crying.
I agree with you. OP's fiancé is controlling and manipulative. He is doing everything in his power to completely isolate her, even from her family, to have full control over her. After marriage, everything will get worse, and he will probably push her to become a SAHM to have even more control.
OP will never have power in her relationship, and he will keep throwing it in her face that she should do whatever he wishes because he is the one paying for everything. She should break up with him and fight for her financial independence.
OP, does he even help you with household chores, respect your wishes, and care about your pleasure? Aren't you just being treated as a bang-maid? You should read the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft because it will help you identify some red flags.
Shared money in a relationship should NEVER be a power play. My husband and I have never done this in 29 years of marriage. I was a SAHM for 15 years, and I had complete autonomy financial wise and in every other way as well. This dude is a controller, not a partner.
If he doesn't want you to see your family now, do you honestly think when you're married his going to get any better and especially after having children? If you marry him the last time you see your family will be at your wedding. You need to grow a spine and stand up for yourself. I was so happy when I read that you were still going on the hike without him, then you caved.
>But at the same time, I want to see things from his perspective and hope that we can work around this issue.
But is he willing to try do the same?
>realized I was scared of him breaking up with me for simply living my life. I should have been more scared of losing myself and my autonomy than of a breakup.
He is working so hard to get you to fit his way of life but has he tried to fit into your way of life? It's all about what he wants but what about you?
This is awful. He is not ready to get married, he’s still way too enmeshed with his mom. Dude needs counselling. Please do not marry him unless this is the life you want for the next 60-70 years. He’s shown you that this is who he is, and that is someone whose life is governed by his anxiety and his mother’s.
This. Sounds like he has major anxiety and needs to work on boundaries with his mom. If he's willing to get treatment, maybe consider working on it. If not, save yourself and move on.
He’s not just listening to his mother, he’s exhibiting the same anxious behaviors as her. Unless he gets help *immediately*, and I mean intensive therapy and possibly medication, he will be this way for the rest of his life.
He absolutely is, his mom gave him the gift of her anxiety and her opinion is the only one that matters. So sad. Now get out! Have a wonderful, joyous life!
I was looking for a comment about how is he is indeed being controlled by his mother, but you may be right that he's just harboring her anxiety - or some combination. Either way - he's completing controlling OP and it will only get worse (as everyone is saying).
You need to understand that you are in an abusive relationship. Step 1 is to isolate you from your support system. Step 2 is to change the waybyou think about your friends and family. Step 3 is to make you financially dependent upon him.
Soon you won't know your own mind and be afraid to be anywhere without him to tell you how to think.
Get out. Make a plan, do not get notice. Leave and don't look back. Get therapy. Learn about narcissistic personalities, gaslighting and DARVO. STAYin therapy until you recognize these traits and know how to protect yourself.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Excellent, accurate response.
OP. Run far from this toxic controlling abuser. He does not have ANY respect for you at all.
He wants you to be easier to manipulate and control by isolating you. He does not want you to have a support system.
He uses ultimatums to coerce you into obeying him.
He has no respect for you.
He treats you as if he believes that you have no agency and are his property to control.
His anxiety is HIS problem. It is used as an excuse for him controlling you.
He is preying on your financial dependence to force his will on you. He is quick to threaten your security as punishment for disobeying him.
He is counting on your submissive personality and unwillingness to stand up for yourself. He is also counting on having you financially trapped.
He will only continue to escalate his toxic abusive behavior.
Physical violence is likely to be coming soon. He is behaving as if he believes that he owns you and has the right to control you.
Please follow the advice above. Make a plan and escape. Do not let him have any idea or warning.
Your local women's shelter can help you to make an escape plan.
Do not stay. Do not settle. You deserve to be treated so much better than this!!!
He has shown you who he really is. Believe him. This nightmare is not what you want for a future.
You deserve equal say in a relationship. You have agency. You have value. You have worth.
A healthy loving relationship is one where you are valued and respected.
Your relationship should bring you joy and happiness.
You deserve to be treated so much better than how he treats you. A life with him would be miserable. Get away from him as quickly as possible.
Exactly. Also I'm worried that he might try to justify this behaviour as a product of his anxiety in order to guilt OP into staying because "he can't help it". OP you can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Lots of people have anxiety (I don't think your partner does btw, it just seems like he has a codependent relationship with his mother) but they still don't abuse and isolate the people they claim they love. If he loved you, he would trust you, and he would want you to be happy.
His actions show that he cares more about you doing what he thinks is best for him, not for you
Leave him now.
He is isolating you. The more he does this the more he succeeds in controlling you. You can’t change him. Don’t even try. It will only get worse. If you’re smart you will drop him like a hot potato.
You need to break up. And you know it. And you don’t want to because it will be painful and hard.
But you need to break up anyway. If you break up, it will be painful and hard for a few months till you get back on your feet again. If you stay with him, it will be painful and profoundly disempowering and damaging to your mental health. And it could go on and on for decades, getting worse and worse. The easiest time to break up is now, and the best time for your long term wellbeing is now.
So many red flags. He is his Mother already, and your close loving relationship with your family is being sacrificed. He isn’t worth it. Get away asap and find someone who isn’t going to try to control your every move.
My friend...drop him. Even if he wasn't controlling, he's too damn afraid to live life.
Grab your most important paperwork and personal items. Go back to your family or go to a friend. Just, for your sake, go away from him.
Don't tie yourself to this anchor of a mama's boy.
When a partner or spouse threatens to break up if you don’t do what they want, call them out and agree to break up. People who love and respect others do not make threats to get their way. He IS channeling his mother… her anxiety, her over involvement, need for control disguised as protectiveness. Get out now, before you lose more of yourself and forget who you are
Break up 💯. find a nice guy (no he’s not nice he’s manipulative and controlling and his relationship with his mother is toxic he also doesn’t respect your judgement)
Sorry for the bad news but speaking from experience this will only get worse. You don’t want the regrets I have.
Why in God's name are you still with this man? He's trying to control your life and isolate you from your family. You will never understand why he does this.
Please leave him before you end up basically a hostage to his anxiety and controlling nature
Your fiancé is using his anxiety to control who you spend time with and what activities you are allowed to do. This is an unhealthy dynamic. You need couples counseling if you want to work through this.
The pivot point I think is that he can't identify the difference between his anxiety and reality. Obviously neither can his mother. That means that the anxiety ends up being believed as if whatever it's organized around is real and actual of concern. That's the pathology. He's too far into the pathology. If he understood that he experienced anxiety, which is extreme anxiousness, that's habitual, he could get help for it. He could take supplements For it. Many of which work really nicely. He could take medication for it. He could see a therapist and learn simple, mindfulness, and EFT and see B T, and do EMDR and settle it. But he isn't insightful enough and mentally healthy enough to identify the fact that this is anxiety and not reality. And he wants youto enter his land of anxiety masking is reality and conformed his demands. That means conforming to his pathology. That means you entering pathology.
I also think he may use his “anxiety” and “concern” about her safety to justify controlling her. This is not all about his anxiety.
They are not that far apart in age but she was pretty young when they started dating.
She is smart enough to decide what is safe for her.
Funny how her hanging out with her family is all “safety” stuff.
This might be a top 10 flag r/! The one thing you left out is that he’s looking for the “stereotypical Asian submissive wife” sweetie, you need to run and run fast.
All I could see was her boyfriend saying “do this or I’ll break up with you” or “do that or I’ll break up with you”. The whole story read like that. Not saying he didn’t have legitimate concerns about the drug use but shellfish? Come on! He’s manipulative and controlling. First thing abusers try to do is alienate and isolate their victims from family and friends.
Marijuana use is legal in WA state and a small gummy if you are not driving is fine.
He gets to act like his family is superior and also control her at the same time.
Soooo
This relationship is already over, you just need to accept it and move on.
He’s a nutjob who was ruined by his family. Nothing you do other than complete obedience will make him happy, and that’s no way to live.
Thank goodness he is still just a fiancé and not officially your husband yet. You have an out. It’s hard to know how abusive a partner is until you finally have someone who is not. This is not true love. It is codependency and abuse in the form of isolating you from your support network and making you feel like that’s your fault. It is not. It is not your job to make him feel secure about everything you do, and you should be able to eat some edibles with your own peeps it’s not like you went out and snorted meth off of the dicks of strangers and tweaked for days. That overreaction is like enough of an fire alarm red flag for you to write a detailed post. Listen to your intuition that made you reach out to invisible allies.
There’s certain things that make for a relationship that even if it ends you cherish. It’s that guy who did not shame for past experiences, listening with compassion, who maybe wasn’t a carbon copy for tastes and hobbies but shared enough that the time spent on it together is valuable and encouraging of having your own friends and family to spend time with and listen to you. A healthy relationship cannot shoulder the burden of being everything to someone all the time and not with anyone else. A healthy marriage to a spouse means not having to hear every single thing about your partner and being responsible for how they feel about it or deal with it.
He is five years older and like 20 years too young for this. It
Doesn’t mean he is terrible all the time it just means it’s not working for you. It’s not evolving in the direction that jives with you. Can you, having close and healthy relationships with your family, imagine him starting to dictate how much time your mom can be around after you have given birth and really need that support? I can. He is the type. He represents a pattern of behaviour that does not mesh with what your own needs are and you are bending over backwards to accommodate him . What happens when you stop accommodating his demands? What happens when putting your foot down becomes something you do frequently? I guarantee he will escalate in some way that is not ok.
Good for you to take pause before you end up in a situation that is really difficult to extricate yourself from. Good for you to have the intuition to notice your family notices and is trying to be supportive it probably are super concerned about this. Good for you to try to talk it out and organize thoughts. Listen to yourself. You sound like you have a kind and compassionate nature, and it’s not going to take long for someone who appreciates these things about you will come along to show you how appreciated you are for this instead of roadblocked for it. You won’t look back except to say, thank you for showing me what I didn’t want. You don’t need to be responsible for placating someone’s crippling insecurities that are only soothed by crippling you.
Also, you WILL leave him, and he will come around and lovebomb you and change his ways long enough to get you back and then double down on his toxic ways. DO NOT FALL FOR IT. He will not try to win you back because he loves you. It’s for his ego and to set you up to punish you for the humiliation it caused him to feel getting dumped. Trust me on this one. This knowledge is your power. Arm yourself with it and be prepared for some kind of escalation and maintain your boundaries. He has invested all his energy in figuring out how to emotionally manipulate you to get his way and you just have to treat it for what it is. This kind of guy loves to tell you how you are meant to be because you are the one and no one else meanwhile forgetting you have a choice in deciding if he is the one for you, and you have realized he is not. You have a right to decide that for yourself and you have figured out he is NOT right for you. It happens all the time it’s part of life and it’s ok to run it’s course. Don’t fall for it
He *is* his mother. You need to run not walk away from this relationship. He has already started to try to control, isolate, and manipulate you with guilt, and it will only escalate once you are married. He will **own** you in his mind. There are probably other red flags in your relationship, don't take the time to look. Only look forward. Forward to a nice long visit with your family, first. They deserve one.
Reread your post from the perspective of your sister or cousin telling you about their relationship. What would you think? Would you say their boyfriend is anxious or controlling? Would you say that after marriage the husband would expect Op to be a sahm or 'allowed' to work? Would you want someone to share in your adventures or someone who is too scared for you to have adventures? Would you want someone who uses the threat of breaking up as a 'negotiating tactic' for your sister? I think you already know the answer.
Updateme
Get out of this relationship. He’s as anxious, controlling and zero fun, just like his mom.
Enjoy your family. Enjoy an edible if you feel like it. Enjoy the gift of the ocean.
This guy will make you miserable if you stay
There's so many red flags in this post it's hard to read.
Honey, you need to pack up and leave him. He's not worth losing your family over. He's controlling, a mama's boy (even if he won't admit it), and has literally TOLD YOU that you will have LESS freedom when you marry him.
Run. And run fast.
Updateme!
This is abuse. His parents relationship is abusive and his relationship with you is abusive. He is controlling, micromanaging and not only is he trying to model your relationship after his parents, he has every intention of breaking you down into it whether you like it or not.
I use marijuana. The half life for small doses is 3 hours. This can be found GOOGLE. The hard truth is that he's severely over sheltered, knows almost nothing about the real world outside his mothers neurotic views and simply does not respect you or your family in even the smallest capacity.
He is not safe nor is he a good person. You can do better. Don't waste your life on someone who only cares about what he can make you and not who you really are.
You don't sound particularly compatible. What is your future together? I think you are holding on to the ember of first love and you need to let it burn out.
Get out of this relationship now, before you waste anymore time with this ahole. Please consider some type of therapy for yourself. Because accepting this kind of treatment from him, and wanting to work through all of this is extremely troubling.
Do you want to end up on Dateline as a cautionary tale? He is CLEARLY trying to isolate & control you & you're kidding yourself if you think it'll get better. You better run before he gets you pregnant because I can pretty much guarantee his hands will start flying soon after.
So so so many red flags. You’re scared of losing yourself if you break up? You’re already losing yourself and WILL lose yourself if you stay with him and marry him. You’re so young. No man worth spending your life with will keep you from your family. PLEASE leave this guy and his weirdo parents.
Honey...he's isolating you, he's working things around so you're solely dependent on him. This ain't healthy or safe. You need to start a get out plan. I know you love him. I know you're scared of being alone. But believe me when I tell you that there are so many things that are worse than being alone.
Your fiancé is not a caring person. He’s a controlling AH. He doesn’t want you spending time with your family?! That’s a HUGE red flag!!! I hope this is the end for you. Find someone who supports you spending time with your family.
You’re so dumb for not going with ur family, what is wrong with you? Don’t u see this is just the beginning of the abuse you’re about to marry? I’d think long and hard about your future with this pos.
Once you finish school, and get established, roll out. He is using his financial stability to manipulate you. What if you have kids? Do you think he will allow your family around them?
Abusive people will try and isolate you from people that love you. It was never about your safety and always about his control. His mother is probably anxious because she spent a lifetime of being abused as well.
GET. TF. OUT. OF THIS RELATIONSHIP. He's controlling & can become abusive. He's treating you like a property & using the 'break up' card to manipulate you. It's very important that you NEED to break up with him now before his manipulation get into your brain. Then you will lose yourself & become dependant on him, unable to break through if you don't stop this relationship right away.
Hate to break it to you but his concern for your safety is full of shit. He’s isolating you from your family and he’s already using finances to control you.
You’re better off without him.
The fact that it was already decided that you guys would spend 3 days with his family and only 2 days with yours should have been a sign.
Please don’t marry this guy.
OP, you need to break up with this guy. You’re going to be very unhappy if you stay with him and I think you already know that. I’m sorry, but that’s just how it is with this guy.
"His mother thinks he is letting me spend too much time with my family."
No. A person doesn't "let" their partner do anything. Nobody has control over the other. We make choices, healthy ones. This is super controlling behavior and will only get worse after marriage. Please make arrangements to move out as he thinks he can tell you what to do and will continue to hold this over your head. A good partner will support you spending time with family.
It sounds like you have a supportive family. Please reach out to them, I'm sure they will help you get out of this situation.
He is very controlling and this is not ok. You need to get out. Anyone who tries to isolate you from your family is not a good person and it will get worse. Mark my words.
He might not be intending to, but this is the start of an abusive relationship. It's not just that you have to be with him, it's that he has to control everything that you do together. You can't have a relationship with your family, you can only have a relationship with his. You are telling yourself that it is not that bad because you can see his point. It won't end there. It will keep escalating until you have no freedom or independence from him. There is nothing that he is providing you that is worth of the future that he is trying to give you.
It's time to break up. First he's a mama's boy. You would always come second to his mommy who he always listens to.
Run. He's controlling and manipulative. Your life will be miserable with him. He treats you like your his property.
there is a difference between protective and controlling/abusive.
"his mother thinks". Well who cares what SHE thinks. It is between you and him.
"he is letting me" You are an adult. You do not need his permission for ANYTHING except touching him.
He wants to police where you do, what you wear, what you eat and what people around you do. That is NOT love. That is abuse.
Don't let him baby trap you. Get out. It will only get worse. Gather all your important papers and anything important to you and leave without telling him beforehand.
This isn't protective behavior. It's CONTROLLING behavior.
Your boyfriend is an abusive, controlling asshole. He may have underlying mental health issues because of his fucked up childhood, but you can't fix him.
Now....I live in Washington State. I don't smoke the marijuana, but here are some facts. It's safer than alcohol. A dose of a LEGAL edible will leave your system within hours. His hysteria was unfounded and, frankly, rude AF. As for the seafood. Samesies. You are so lucky to get to gather seafood whilst on vacation here. The season is extremely short and it is a luxury that a lot of lifelong residents don't even get to experience.
Paying for stuff...taking care of you. Is this FOR you or another way to control you? It's easy to say...."oh, what a great guy." But is he? Financial contributions to control behavior leads to more emotional abuse.
You can't fix him. He's broken. Run. There are no arguments you will win, no points you will make. He is convinced he is correct and you are incapable of adult behavior and decisions. He doesn't respect you or your family. It will only get worse. Imagine having a child that will never be allowed to spend time with your family. Never go to Vietnam. Never spend time in the ocean.
Please....please...realize that if it's this bad now; it is only going to get worse.
That very first time you said "..his mother said he is LETTING me..." is your cue to get the hell out. His parents' relationship is the only one he knows, where his mother is completely reliant on his father. When you are in a relationship with someone from another culture, they need to be open-minded and curious. This guy seems narrow-minded, closed in and also hugely controlling. There's no way this will not end in tears
NTA. This guy is controlling and manipulative. He doesn't want a life partner, he wants a toy/slave to control. The moment he started threatening breaking up without having an adult discussion and compromising, you should've ended things. Do you wanna live the rest of your life with an asshole that threatens to leave you every time he doesn't have his way ?? This is a sample of life with him, you better run and never look back.
I think deep down you already know that you'll be better off without him. He doesn't care about your feelings, needs and wants. He wants to control you and isolate you so he can own you.
He doesn't love you. Break free from him, cause it'll only escalate and you will regret staying. Spend time with your family. Get distance between him and you and start to breathe again. You deserve better.
If you think its bad now, wait til you're married and have kids. You can forget having your kids knowing the love of your family. He'll be distant to them and controlling of you. It's obvious he doesn't accept your family or encourage any relationship with them. BIG RED FLAG!!!!
You need to get far away from your American Asshole. I lived in Thailand for 12 years. The Asian family structure is different, no Trickle Down Economic Destruction. He is not only disrespecting your family and culture but you as a human being. Dump his ass yesterday.
He sounds somewhat controlling. You sound like you are using him as a sugar daddy while living your best life.
I’m pretty sure most parents would have something to say if the person their kid was supporting financially had the money to take multiple overseas trips a year and monthly trips to visit family stateside without him. His mom probably in his ear telling him that he’s being taken advantage of and needs to be a man and take control. I’d just tell him to dump you.
You two have very different lifestyles and perspectives. It sounds like no one is happy, both of you have changed as much as you want to change, and each of you has beefs you can’t overlook.
It’s okay to break up. In fact, you should break up.
But don’t be surprised when he pulls his financial support.
Also- he’s thinking the same thing. People don’t give ultimatums like “if this, then I’ll break up with you” lightly. Is that controlling? Yeah, it is. He definitely knows that if you break up you’re the one who is going to move out and he’s going to save a lot of money. He probably feels like the break up will be easier on him than you.
So don’t be in a relationship like that.
Unless you want to live under his and his mother’s thumbs for the rest of your life, break up with him. He’s not trying to “protect” you, he’s trying to control you. His mother will continue to be in his ear influencing him with her weird notions and irrational fears.
Stop restricting the time you spend with your family because you will deeply regret it when it’s no longer an option.
You need to break up with him. This will never change. You will miss critical time with your family members that you cannot get back. You will resent him as you already do and it will not get better.
His mother's "anxiety" has already ruined the three of their lives, don't let it ruin yours too. Even though I suspect he is using it for an excuse to be controlling at least to some extent.
This is absotlely not acceptable. Please don’t marry this man. I know a lot of Vietnamese families, 2 months is the normal time to go visit if possible with money and work/school and why would he think your family is any less important than yours?
The seafood thing is ridiculous. So is the weed thing.
Never ever ever let a man come between you and your friend and family. Especially one who was raised by Catholics.
He’s being controlling and I’d call it quits.
He is literally laying out the framework now of how he intends to financially abuse and control you in your lives together. He will not allow you to see your family. He will expect you to obey him. He is the worst kind of freakish mama’s boy. He is a nightmare. Why you didn’t walk out already is beyond me. You need to get your courage up now, because at some point this is going to get so very much worse.
Run. The anxiety disorder is a cover for a manipulative abuser. Two things an abuser does:
1. Make you dependent on them while making it seem they are generously helping you.
2. Separate you from your family and friends
After he accomplishes these two things, it get much much worse because you don’t have a safety net
His mommy is helping me. You can’t win this battle
you can do everything they want and they will keep asking for more and identifying areas where you aren’t good enough/lacking. It’s this constant cycle of belittlement without reward, leaves you on the hook thinking “it’s fine if I just give up xyz, he will be happier and our relationship will go smoother and he will appreciate me” well once you give up on xyz he will come to you asking about uvw then about rst, the whole alphabet.
(Metaphor for things he wants to be changed in your life for him)
:(
I don’t have a crazy story about my experience with this kind of person I’m not one of those sensationalists who goes online crying about “narcissistic abuse”
I just know with a person like this, you can give them everything they want and they will still see flaws in you, you will always be in a place of trying to recuperate losses. This is not okay and I hope you gather the strength to make your decision, think about you as a mother someday, would you want your child to cut you off due to their partner?
Would you want your daughter to marry someone who wanted to isolate her ?
I'm sorry but it sounds like his mom had a major impact on his mindset. That's a shame seriously. I wouldn't stay in this relationship. He is very controlling and threatening to break up with you is not a way to protect you. That's proof right there it isn't comming from a protective place, he wants you to do what he wants.
I'm not one to always say to just break up with people online but this sounds like you will end up alone with his as your only friend and have a relationship with yiur family over the phone and you'll only talk when he's not around. I'd get out of there. :(
Abuse can't be worked out. You either live in it and accept he will isolate you more and more, and you will be miserable, but get to keep him, or you leave and get therapy so you don't date another version of him.
Abusive men start out like this, controlling. He is trying to shrink your world and the people in it who would help you get away from the abuse. Do whatever you have to, to leave this situation. This is incredibly unhealthy.
My partner and I spend more time with his family. They live closer to us and I am much more bonded to them than he is to my parents. (His mom and I are both only children and have found the bond of how we grew up makes us close. We also have similar tastes and interests she didn't share with her sons.) Even with that he went and stayed at my parent's house with me for the 4th because I missed them. It was out of his comfort zone and made him anxious but he did it because he wanted me to spend time with them and be happy. If you marry your fiancé you may never get this type of bond of love. He will only get more controlling.
Woah. Your fiance sounds scary. His way or the highway. It doesn't have to be the end, perhaps going to couples therapy/counseling will help. Maybe that might help improve the relationship and build better communication skills as well as understanding one another. Are you with him because you love him or are you with him because of the financial security he provides? If it's love them try the couples therapy, if not then it's better to end the relationship.
Going with Troll because while your BF is controlling the only way to get to the top of Mt Rainer is with a guide and training. Also this year besides paying fir parking they would have had to book online for a time slot which started in June and ends in September fir both entrances. The only way around this is to reserve a camping spot or a room at one of the two lodges as for shell fish harvesting, those are allowed at specific times of the year. One word, research.
I don’t care why he’s doing this. It could be anxiety - I doubt that’s the only issue . He’s tempting to control absolutely everything about you . That’s abuse pure and simple. You are not safe with him.
You need to leave him. He is controlling what you can do, when you can see your family, how long you can see them for. He’s reasoning is all about him with no regard for what you want. He’s even said because he provides financially he gets to have the final say. You’re young but believe me at some point you’ll get sick of being the dutiful child bride and fight for your independence. Save yourself the hassle and end the engagement.
OP, no. Just, no. Read all the comments and come to the conclusion that he is trying to control you under the guise of protecting you. Run away as far as you can. Isolation can be the first sign of narcissistic tendencies. Slowly chipping away at how much time you spend with your family is a BIG deal. I don’t see my family a lot for reasons but I LOVE going around my in laws because it’s just SOOOO much fun. And I couldn’t dream of a day where I get mad at my husband for wanting to see his family - either with or without me. You’re allowed to do things by yourself, you don’t have to be attached to your fiancé 24/7. I struggle with anxiety as well and only feel okay when I’m with my husband but I am learning through therapy that I can do things on my own and the world won’t end.
He needs therapy and to stop letting his mom worm her way into his head and making decision for him. We’re conditioned to believe our parents know best so put it this way he says he makes the decisions but whole time his mom is the one who planted the seed. You are SOOO YOUNG. Please do not stay with this man. Things will only get worse and if he’s using finances to dangle over your head to say that he has final say… that’s financial abuse. Please recognize the signs and leave.
I think it’s time to find a new apartment when you get back home. Having debt from college is way better than a lifetime of heartache. He isn’t going to change and anyone who tells you when you get married you lose your rights is not the person to marry.
His words say that he doesn’t want his parents marriage, but his actions are showing the exact opposite.
Believe people when they show you who they are. This is your future. His actions are eerily similar to his mother’s.
These things tend to get worse with time. This will be your future despite his words.
You really seem to want different things out of life, don’t you think?
Can I date you? Not a guy but I would seriously date you just to hang out with your family.
You need to throw the whole guy away. I promise there are better people out there for you to marrybwh would appreciate you and your family. Find one of them.
Your fiance is abusive. Soon he will tell you that you shouldn't work since it's his job as "the man" to provide for you. He's already using his money to control you. He's not trying to protect you. He wants you to live under his control. He's isolating you and before long he won't even let you leave your home without him. He does not respect you. Please do not marry him.
This is how you will live if you stay, a prisoner to his fears, to his envy of your family, and to his need to control you.
His behavior will only get worse and instead of twice a year it will be one, then every other, and only for a few days.
Run and don't look back.
Interesting that he said his goal is to achieve the relationship *he* wants. Not you two together. He refused to see your family because…his mommy’s afraid harvesting shellfish is going to harm her precious baby boy? Then he refused to go to Rainier because it’s dangerous. Honestly sounds like he’s finding reasons to not spend time with you or your family.
Honey, him threatening to break up was absolutely not about protecting you. This is about controlling you. At least he’s showing his true colors now before you’re actually married. Based on everything you wrote, he already thinks he has you trapped since he proposed. Save yourself a lifetime of this and walk away. It will get worse after marriage, I don’t even want to think what would happen if kids were involved.
This will only get worse over time. He is extremely controlling, neurotic, and a massive hypocrite. Tell him he’s not allowed to see his family anymore or do anything risky and see what he says.
Better yet, just dump this asshole. Relationships aren’t supposed to be like this.
Comes down if you love min and his support more than your freedom. He is trying to control your life and it’s only going to get worse now he’s trying to control your time with family next it will be friends if it’s not all ready then it will be way you can wear or watch but it’s your choice I personally think you should run
I know it’s such a typical reddit response but really really consider your marriage to this person. These are some quite concerning red flags, especially before you’ve even committed to them legally. You deserve to have someone who values your relationship with your family and your choices in life as much as their own.
I can’t get past the visiting family for 2 months, you’re so lucky. A lot of people I know can only take 2-3 weeks off work (vacation) to visit their home country. Your fiancé is very controlling. Maybe he’s jealous of not having what you have. Don’t ever change your life for him. If he’s not willing to get some kind of therapy I would end the relationship. You are very young, you need to be with someone who shares the same values as you.
Don’t need to read your novel to answer your initial question. YES, it should be a definite YES, but, somehow you won’t believe that until further down the road when it is much harder and potentially more dangerous.
Good luck with that.
He doesn't want a wife who is a partner, he wants a gurk he can "protect & control" and assumes that since you are from an Asian country , that is you.
He has shown you who he is (my wifr will listen to me), and he has shown you that he will try (apparently successfully) to seperate you from your family.
You deserve better. Let momma have her boy.
You be truw to you. Move on.
His perspective is that he owns you. His family is right about everything, your family is not important at all. He's scared of life and it will get worse not better if you marry him.
Your fiancé's protective nature is understandable, but his control over your time with family raises big red flags. Marriage should be about mutual respect and compromise, not ultimatums. I think that's your queue to run.
If you think this is bad now, just wait until you marry him, and he feels he owns you. And it won't just be him you're married to but his mom too. Your life will be miserable with other people controlling it.
Don't marry him, if you value yourself. See if your parents can help you get a different place and leave his pathetic ass.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, so you see the red flags, but you’re in denial and hanging on to this relationship where he is controlling and insecure. It’ll only get worse as he continues to isolate you from your family. You missed out on making family memories at Mt Rainier. How many times more does that need to happen? Go live your life how you want to, not with restrictions by this guy and judgement by his mother, which will never cease. Think how happy you were to go clamming with your family, and then how sad and disappointed you were to miss Mt. Rainier. Do be fearful of him breaking up with you. Be brave and independent and break up with him.
This will only get worse.
You should be able to visit your family whenever you want for however long you want.
I presume he has alienated you from friends as well.
He wants you stuck at ho.e with the kids, no friends or family and reliant on him, unable to leave.
Doyou want this to continue ue for the rest of your life as ut will only get worse if you marry him.
He is controlling and isolating you from your family. It is not about safety. Also, pot is legal in WA.
Make sure you control your birth control because he may try to knock you up to keep you.
You are quite young and have been with this jerk too long.
Plan your exit.
He is emotionally abusive now and I worry it will escalate.
Giiiiirl, he is not the one. Someone who really loved you wouldn’t want to control you like this. You’re not some doll that will do everything he says. He doesn’t respect you as a person and clearly doesn’t trust you or your judgment. I was exhausted reading this, he has his head so far up his own ass that he can’t see reason. Why the f are you in a relationship with someone who treats you like this? Someone who doesn’t “allow” you to be with your family? You’re an adult, you don’t need his permission to do anything
Oooh please, get out. Go back to your family, or with friends or whatever. This man is highly controlling, he wants to own you. He is not going to change, he wants you to obey him and is trying to cut you off from your family.
His perspective is skewed because it’s influenced, if not outright dictated by mental illness. His behavior is controlling and abusive.
A relationship is supposed to be your safe space, not the place you feel anxious or scared about returning to. If you’re in a place where you feel your stomach tensing up at the thought of going home and having to brace yourself for what you might find when you get there, you should leave that situation.
You can do much, MUCH better.
Please please please leave this man. You sound like you have a loving family. Please consider moving to where they are or trying to find a way to get out. You can leave him. You can do this!
Thus is what happens when they get you young. You're literally being treated like a pet that get timeout when they act up. Just leave this man. Tf tmif you parents died today he would tell you it's to dangerous to go to the funeral.
Definately break up lol, there are plenty of guys out there who would kill to be with someone whos close with their family and do family activities together.
He’s isolated you from your family while you are traveling to see your family. Got it.
This is not “protective” this is “abusive.”
“He wants to pay while I’m in school.” Right. This is another form of controlling you.
I was in a similar situation at your age and did not see it until we split up.
Get away from this guy. Even if you still feel like you love him, you MUST step out of it so you can get a better look at what it’s like to be free to experience your life instead of the life HE wants you to have.
Please, please. I know I’m a stranger on the internet, but the feeling in my gut reading your account makes me wish I could help you pack and get you back to your parents.
Yes it is over cause he is very controlling and you don't need that in your life. He is already cutting your contact with family and is upset about you not doing what his mommy wants.
OP, if your best friend came to you and told you this story what would you think?
He’s way out of order and it’s only going to get worse. He’s controlling, abusive, and he’s trying to isolate you. Get out now.
Fast forward: you are married and have a baby. You want to take your baby to Vietnam to visit your family. Do you think he will let you take HIS baby on a big scary plane to a foreign country for 2 weeks much less 2 months? You may be thinking but that’s way the future and we will have worked all this out. The odds are against it. His issues are baked in from way back. His mother programmed him this way. He will need some therapy and by some I mean A LOT. The longer you are with him harder it is to decide to leave because you feel like you have “invested” so much time you don’t want to walk away, tomorrow he may change. He won’t. Being told that everything you want to do is too dangerous and if you do it means you don’t love him does not sound like a fun life. One day you will realize you are being smothered and can’t breathe. I have felt that. It is a terrible feeling.
End it. Run. Don't look back. Not only is he controlling, he sounds fucking ignorant. You're trying to educate and better yourself. He's dead weight. Have a good cry, then take a few edibles, laugh your ass off, and relax. I know this is real emotions, people's feelings, and a really delicate situation because you live with him, but it is only going to get worse.
Run, run fast. He is overly controlling and manipulative. He is trying to isolate you from your family. Red flags. You have every right to spend as much time with your family as you want. Cannabis is legal in plenty of places, he is being immature. He is also a huge hypocrite for how much time he spends with his family, who has a very toxic outlook on relationships. He has been conditioned to think it is somehow normal. You seriously need to break up, because he is trying to even to use it as a threat to control you. Things will get worse the longer you are with him.
Edit: I felt the need to add this. I am diagnosed with severe social anxiety disorder, and I do not cling to my fiance. Sure we love spending time with each other but we have our whole lives for it. We both still give each other the space we deserve and need. Plenty of times he goes to visit his family, and I don't go along clinging to him, and vice versa. People need time to breathe on there own. It is being twisted and used as a classic manipulative tactic by someone abusive.
Seen it too many times! The worst was a woman who was locked inside the house, wasn't allowed to wear clothes (unless he took her to church etc) and couldn't even speak unless she had permission. RUN!!!
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Ok…. He is very controlling. He is not concerned for you. He wants to control You. He does not love you. He wants to own you. This will be the rest of your life, Unless you gtfo now.
Dude's a controlling asshole. Get the fuck out. I'd love to be in Washington harvesting shellfish. Vietnamese are expert fishermen and if I was in his shoes, I'd welcome them showing me the ropes. Sometimes couples are incompatible, and this is the classic example.
Came to say this
He even had the ball to say since he is the financial provider, he can control her and she can leave if she doesn't like it. It is his way or the highway. I can only imagine it can only go downhill from there. He probably is one of those "conservative Christian" and women must submit to men. She will be his personal slave until he find another mistress. Walk. He won't make you happy. Update: Darn,I just realized op is Vietnamese and Vietnamese family is very tight. Op, you are sacrificing your family for a white guy?! They invested so much in you and you just gave up on them for a white guy? Your celestial ancestors are crying.
$10 says he got with someone from another country because he thinks they are all raised submissive and easily controllable.
Yeah, some Western men prey on Asian women because they are submissive.
And coincidentally she was 20 and he was 24, barely an acceptable age gap at that age
Yeah I was thinking boyfriend wanted a tradwife and only his family matters to him. Not hers.
I agree with you. OP's fiancé is controlling and manipulative. He is doing everything in his power to completely isolate her, even from her family, to have full control over her. After marriage, everything will get worse, and he will probably push her to become a SAHM to have even more control. OP will never have power in her relationship, and he will keep throwing it in her face that she should do whatever he wishes because he is the one paying for everything. She should break up with him and fight for her financial independence. OP, does he even help you with household chores, respect your wishes, and care about your pleasure? Aren't you just being treated as a bang-maid? You should read the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft because it will help you identify some red flags.
Shared money in a relationship should NEVER be a power play. My husband and I have never done this in 29 years of marriage. I was a SAHM for 15 years, and I had complete autonomy financial wise and in every other way as well. This dude is a controller, not a partner.
And dumb as a rock.
If he doesn't want you to see your family now, do you honestly think when you're married his going to get any better and especially after having children? If you marry him the last time you see your family will be at your wedding. You need to grow a spine and stand up for yourself. I was so happy when I read that you were still going on the hike without him, then you caved. >But at the same time, I want to see things from his perspective and hope that we can work around this issue. But is he willing to try do the same? >realized I was scared of him breaking up with me for simply living my life. I should have been more scared of losing myself and my autonomy than of a breakup. He is working so hard to get you to fit his way of life but has he tried to fit into your way of life? It's all about what he wants but what about you?
This is awful. He is not ready to get married, he’s still way too enmeshed with his mom. Dude needs counselling. Please do not marry him unless this is the life you want for the next 60-70 years. He’s shown you that this is who he is, and that is someone whose life is governed by his anxiety and his mother’s.
This, OP. OP, please re-read your post. The answer for you is as clear as the nose on your face.
Whenever women are dealing with abusive partners, I always ask them, if you daughter was getting treated like this would you want them to stay?
Excellent point.
This. Sounds like he has major anxiety and needs to work on boundaries with his mom. If he's willing to get treatment, maybe consider working on it. If not, save yourself and move on.
this He wants to cut her of from her family he can cut his family out too
He’s not just listening to his mother, he’s exhibiting the same anxious behaviors as her. Unless he gets help *immediately*, and I mean intensive therapy and possibly medication, he will be this way for the rest of his life.
He absolutely is, his mom gave him the gift of her anxiety and her opinion is the only one that matters. So sad. Now get out! Have a wonderful, joyous life!
Imagine is she has a kid w him. He’ll lock them in a cage
I was looking for a comment about how is he is indeed being controlled by his mother, but you may be right that he's just harboring her anxiety - or some combination. Either way - he's completing controlling OP and it will only get worse (as everyone is saying).
He's not a functioning adult.
You need to understand that you are in an abusive relationship. Step 1 is to isolate you from your support system. Step 2 is to change the waybyou think about your friends and family. Step 3 is to make you financially dependent upon him. Soon you won't know your own mind and be afraid to be anywhere without him to tell you how to think. Get out. Make a plan, do not get notice. Leave and don't look back. Get therapy. Learn about narcissistic personalities, gaslighting and DARVO. STAYin therapy until you recognize these traits and know how to protect yourself.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Excellent, accurate response. OP. Run far from this toxic controlling abuser. He does not have ANY respect for you at all. He wants you to be easier to manipulate and control by isolating you. He does not want you to have a support system. He uses ultimatums to coerce you into obeying him. He has no respect for you. He treats you as if he believes that you have no agency and are his property to control. His anxiety is HIS problem. It is used as an excuse for him controlling you. He is preying on your financial dependence to force his will on you. He is quick to threaten your security as punishment for disobeying him. He is counting on your submissive personality and unwillingness to stand up for yourself. He is also counting on having you financially trapped. He will only continue to escalate his toxic abusive behavior. Physical violence is likely to be coming soon. He is behaving as if he believes that he owns you and has the right to control you. Please follow the advice above. Make a plan and escape. Do not let him have any idea or warning. Your local women's shelter can help you to make an escape plan. Do not stay. Do not settle. You deserve to be treated so much better than this!!! He has shown you who he really is. Believe him. This nightmare is not what you want for a future. You deserve equal say in a relationship. You have agency. You have value. You have worth. A healthy loving relationship is one where you are valued and respected. Your relationship should bring you joy and happiness. You deserve to be treated so much better than how he treats you. A life with him would be miserable. Get away from him as quickly as possible.
Exactly. Also I'm worried that he might try to justify this behaviour as a product of his anxiety in order to guilt OP into staying because "he can't help it". OP you can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Lots of people have anxiety (I don't think your partner does btw, it just seems like he has a codependent relationship with his mother) but they still don't abuse and isolate the people they claim they love. If he loved you, he would trust you, and he would want you to be happy. His actions show that he cares more about you doing what he thinks is best for him, not for you
I got out of a relationship like this. They don’t want you around family and friends and they want to control your whole life.
Uh, this guy is a poisonous abuser. Run. Run like hell.
Leave him now. He is isolating you. The more he does this the more he succeeds in controlling you. You can’t change him. Don’t even try. It will only get worse. If you’re smart you will drop him like a hot potato.
You need to break up. And you know it. And you don’t want to because it will be painful and hard. But you need to break up anyway. If you break up, it will be painful and hard for a few months till you get back on your feet again. If you stay with him, it will be painful and profoundly disempowering and damaging to your mental health. And it could go on and on for decades, getting worse and worse. The easiest time to break up is now, and the best time for your long term wellbeing is now.
Abusers start by alienating you from your family and making you feel bad for doing normal things. Get out now.
He sounds crazy, controlling, and deeply unpleasant. You deserve better.
You shouldn't have to give up your family time for a relationship. His "I'm the provider so I get the final say" attitude is seriously problematic.
I’m sorry I would end it he is turning into his parents
Run if you want a life
So many red flags. He is his Mother already, and your close loving relationship with your family is being sacrificed. He isn’t worth it. Get away asap and find someone who isn’t going to try to control your every move.
Wow. I hope you get to a place where you see that your partner and relarionship are unhealthy.
My friend...drop him. Even if he wasn't controlling, he's too damn afraid to live life. Grab your most important paperwork and personal items. Go back to your family or go to a friend. Just, for your sake, go away from him. Don't tie yourself to this anchor of a mama's boy.
When a partner or spouse threatens to break up if you don’t do what they want, call them out and agree to break up. People who love and respect others do not make threats to get their way. He IS channeling his mother… her anxiety, her over involvement, need for control disguised as protectiveness. Get out now, before you lose more of yourself and forget who you are
🚩🚩🚩🚩🏃🏼♀️➡️🏃🏼♀️➡️
He's isolating you from your family.
Break up 💯. find a nice guy (no he’s not nice he’s manipulative and controlling and his relationship with his mother is toxic he also doesn’t respect your judgement) Sorry for the bad news but speaking from experience this will only get worse. You don’t want the regrets I have.
Why in God's name are you still with this man? He's trying to control your life and isolate you from your family. You will never understand why he does this. Please leave him before you end up basically a hostage to his anxiety and controlling nature
Your fiancé is using his anxiety to control who you spend time with and what activities you are allowed to do. This is an unhealthy dynamic. You need couples counseling if you want to work through this.
You're only 23. You have plenty of time to meet someone who will be a much better fit for you. You do not want to marry into this family.
Your fiancé is super controlling and it's not cool how he's trying to limit your time with your family.
The pivot point I think is that he can't identify the difference between his anxiety and reality. Obviously neither can his mother. That means that the anxiety ends up being believed as if whatever it's organized around is real and actual of concern. That's the pathology. He's too far into the pathology. If he understood that he experienced anxiety, which is extreme anxiousness, that's habitual, he could get help for it. He could take supplements For it. Many of which work really nicely. He could take medication for it. He could see a therapist and learn simple, mindfulness, and EFT and see B T, and do EMDR and settle it. But he isn't insightful enough and mentally healthy enough to identify the fact that this is anxiety and not reality. And he wants youto enter his land of anxiety masking is reality and conformed his demands. That means conforming to his pathology. That means you entering pathology.
I also think he may use his “anxiety” and “concern” about her safety to justify controlling her. This is not all about his anxiety. They are not that far apart in age but she was pretty young when they started dating. She is smart enough to decide what is safe for her. Funny how her hanging out with her family is all “safety” stuff.
You can't work this out bc he wants to totally control you. Family is important & don't let someone ruin that.
Major RED FLAG, isolation is the first step of abuse.
This might be a top 10 flag r/! The one thing you left out is that he’s looking for the “stereotypical Asian submissive wife” sweetie, you need to run and run fast.
Unless you want to be miserable, then yes I would end the relationship. It doesn't get any better trust me...
He is very, very, very controlling. It will just get worse from here. There are better men in this world. Pls don’t settle for him.
All I could see was her boyfriend saying “do this or I’ll break up with you” or “do that or I’ll break up with you”. The whole story read like that. Not saying he didn’t have legitimate concerns about the drug use but shellfish? Come on! He’s manipulative and controlling. First thing abusers try to do is alienate and isolate their victims from family and friends.
Marijuana use is legal in WA state and a small gummy if you are not driving is fine. He gets to act like his family is superior and also control her at the same time.
and they weren’t even taken on the same day💀
This is not a relationship worth salvaging. Just leave. You're too young to settle for someone like him.
Soooo This relationship is already over, you just need to accept it and move on. He’s a nutjob who was ruined by his family. Nothing you do other than complete obedience will make him happy, and that’s no way to live.
Thank goodness he is still just a fiancé and not officially your husband yet. You have an out. It’s hard to know how abusive a partner is until you finally have someone who is not. This is not true love. It is codependency and abuse in the form of isolating you from your support network and making you feel like that’s your fault. It is not. It is not your job to make him feel secure about everything you do, and you should be able to eat some edibles with your own peeps it’s not like you went out and snorted meth off of the dicks of strangers and tweaked for days. That overreaction is like enough of an fire alarm red flag for you to write a detailed post. Listen to your intuition that made you reach out to invisible allies. There’s certain things that make for a relationship that even if it ends you cherish. It’s that guy who did not shame for past experiences, listening with compassion, who maybe wasn’t a carbon copy for tastes and hobbies but shared enough that the time spent on it together is valuable and encouraging of having your own friends and family to spend time with and listen to you. A healthy relationship cannot shoulder the burden of being everything to someone all the time and not with anyone else. A healthy marriage to a spouse means not having to hear every single thing about your partner and being responsible for how they feel about it or deal with it. He is five years older and like 20 years too young for this. It Doesn’t mean he is terrible all the time it just means it’s not working for you. It’s not evolving in the direction that jives with you. Can you, having close and healthy relationships with your family, imagine him starting to dictate how much time your mom can be around after you have given birth and really need that support? I can. He is the type. He represents a pattern of behaviour that does not mesh with what your own needs are and you are bending over backwards to accommodate him . What happens when you stop accommodating his demands? What happens when putting your foot down becomes something you do frequently? I guarantee he will escalate in some way that is not ok. Good for you to take pause before you end up in a situation that is really difficult to extricate yourself from. Good for you to have the intuition to notice your family notices and is trying to be supportive it probably are super concerned about this. Good for you to try to talk it out and organize thoughts. Listen to yourself. You sound like you have a kind and compassionate nature, and it’s not going to take long for someone who appreciates these things about you will come along to show you how appreciated you are for this instead of roadblocked for it. You won’t look back except to say, thank you for showing me what I didn’t want. You don’t need to be responsible for placating someone’s crippling insecurities that are only soothed by crippling you. Also, you WILL leave him, and he will come around and lovebomb you and change his ways long enough to get you back and then double down on his toxic ways. DO NOT FALL FOR IT. He will not try to win you back because he loves you. It’s for his ego and to set you up to punish you for the humiliation it caused him to feel getting dumped. Trust me on this one. This knowledge is your power. Arm yourself with it and be prepared for some kind of escalation and maintain your boundaries. He has invested all his energy in figuring out how to emotionally manipulate you to get his way and you just have to treat it for what it is. This kind of guy loves to tell you how you are meant to be because you are the one and no one else meanwhile forgetting you have a choice in deciding if he is the one for you, and you have realized he is not. You have a right to decide that for yourself and you have figured out he is NOT right for you. It happens all the time it’s part of life and it’s ok to run it’s course. Don’t fall for it
He *is* his mother. You need to run not walk away from this relationship. He has already started to try to control, isolate, and manipulate you with guilt, and it will only escalate once you are married. He will **own** you in his mind. There are probably other red flags in your relationship, don't take the time to look. Only look forward. Forward to a nice long visit with your family, first. They deserve one.
Reread your post from the perspective of your sister or cousin telling you about their relationship. What would you think? Would you say their boyfriend is anxious or controlling? Would you say that after marriage the husband would expect Op to be a sahm or 'allowed' to work? Would you want someone to share in your adventures or someone who is too scared for you to have adventures? Would you want someone who uses the threat of breaking up as a 'negotiating tactic' for your sister? I think you already know the answer. Updateme
Get out of this relationship. He’s as anxious, controlling and zero fun, just like his mom. Enjoy your family. Enjoy an edible if you feel like it. Enjoy the gift of the ocean. This guy will make you miserable if you stay
There's so many red flags in this post it's hard to read. Honey, you need to pack up and leave him. He's not worth losing your family over. He's controlling, a mama's boy (even if he won't admit it), and has literally TOLD YOU that you will have LESS freedom when you marry him. Run. And run fast. Updateme!
This is abuse. His parents relationship is abusive and his relationship with you is abusive. He is controlling, micromanaging and not only is he trying to model your relationship after his parents, he has every intention of breaking you down into it whether you like it or not. I use marijuana. The half life for small doses is 3 hours. This can be found GOOGLE. The hard truth is that he's severely over sheltered, knows almost nothing about the real world outside his mothers neurotic views and simply does not respect you or your family in even the smallest capacity. He is not safe nor is he a good person. You can do better. Don't waste your life on someone who only cares about what he can make you and not who you really are.
You don't sound particularly compatible. What is your future together? I think you are holding on to the ember of first love and you need to let it burn out.
Get out of this relationship now, before you waste anymore time with this ahole. Please consider some type of therapy for yourself. Because accepting this kind of treatment from him, and wanting to work through all of this is extremely troubling.
Do you want to end up on Dateline as a cautionary tale? He is CLEARLY trying to isolate & control you & you're kidding yourself if you think it'll get better. You better run before he gets you pregnant because I can pretty much guarantee his hands will start flying soon after.
So so so many red flags. You’re scared of losing yourself if you break up? You’re already losing yourself and WILL lose yourself if you stay with him and marry him. You’re so young. No man worth spending your life with will keep you from your family. PLEASE leave this guy and his weirdo parents.
Honey...he's isolating you, he's working things around so you're solely dependent on him. This ain't healthy or safe. You need to start a get out plan. I know you love him. I know you're scared of being alone. But believe me when I tell you that there are so many things that are worse than being alone.
Tell mamas boy that this isn’t North Korea and he doesn’t run shit. Gross. Dump him
Your fiancé is not a caring person. He’s a controlling AH. He doesn’t want you spending time with your family?! That’s a HUGE red flag!!! I hope this is the end for you. Find someone who supports you spending time with your family.
You’re so dumb for not going with ur family, what is wrong with you? Don’t u see this is just the beginning of the abuse you’re about to marry? I’d think long and hard about your future with this pos.
He is insecure about your relationship with your family. Add to it, he is holding his gender and his money to control. Run before it's too late.
He has told you who he is. Your choice is either live under his rule, or you leave. Choose wisely.
This is not concern but control. He needs therapy and you need to be single.
Once you finish school, and get established, roll out. He is using his financial stability to manipulate you. What if you have kids? Do you think he will allow your family around them?
Abusive people will try and isolate you from people that love you. It was never about your safety and always about his control. His mother is probably anxious because she spent a lifetime of being abused as well.
GET. TF. OUT. OF THIS RELATIONSHIP. He's controlling & can become abusive. He's treating you like a property & using the 'break up' card to manipulate you. It's very important that you NEED to break up with him now before his manipulation get into your brain. Then you will lose yourself & become dependant on him, unable to break through if you don't stop this relationship right away.
Hate to break it to you but his concern for your safety is full of shit. He’s isolating you from your family and he’s already using finances to control you. You’re better off without him. The fact that it was already decided that you guys would spend 3 days with his family and only 2 days with yours should have been a sign. Please don’t marry this guy.
OP, you need to break up with this guy. You’re going to be very unhappy if you stay with him and I think you already know that. I’m sorry, but that’s just how it is with this guy.
NTA He's treating you like a child get out now
"His mother thinks he is letting me spend too much time with my family." No. A person doesn't "let" their partner do anything. Nobody has control over the other. We make choices, healthy ones. This is super controlling behavior and will only get worse after marriage. Please make arrangements to move out as he thinks he can tell you what to do and will continue to hold this over your head. A good partner will support you spending time with family. It sounds like you have a supportive family. Please reach out to them, I'm sure they will help you get out of this situation.
He is very controlling and this is not ok. You need to get out. Anyone who tries to isolate you from your family is not a good person and it will get worse. Mark my words.
He might not be intending to, but this is the start of an abusive relationship. It's not just that you have to be with him, it's that he has to control everything that you do together. You can't have a relationship with your family, you can only have a relationship with his. You are telling yourself that it is not that bad because you can see his point. It won't end there. It will keep escalating until you have no freedom or independence from him. There is nothing that he is providing you that is worth of the future that he is trying to give you.
RUN ASAP.
It’s only going to get worse
It's time to break up. First he's a mama's boy. You would always come second to his mommy who he always listens to. Run. He's controlling and manipulative. Your life will be miserable with him. He treats you like your his property.
Run girl run, it won't get any better. My first husband was like that and I lost myself until a friend said why do you put up with it.
IT IS OVER! PLEASE DODGE THESE 3 BULLETS. (Bf and his parents)
there is a difference between protective and controlling/abusive. "his mother thinks". Well who cares what SHE thinks. It is between you and him. "he is letting me" You are an adult. You do not need his permission for ANYTHING except touching him. He wants to police where you do, what you wear, what you eat and what people around you do. That is NOT love. That is abuse.
Updateme
Don't let him baby trap you. Get out. It will only get worse. Gather all your important papers and anything important to you and leave without telling him beforehand.
Leave him
Not compatible. Move on. Do t get trapped by the sunk cost fallacy.
Updateme
Just break up with this fool and let him go live with his mommy where he belongs.
Fuck that guy! He and his family sucks
I need an up date..::of you telling us that you broke up with him!!!!!
He’s not taken care of you, he’s made you dependant on him
In your heart, you know the answer to your question...
This isn't protective behavior. It's CONTROLLING behavior. Your boyfriend is an abusive, controlling asshole. He may have underlying mental health issues because of his fucked up childhood, but you can't fix him. Now....I live in Washington State. I don't smoke the marijuana, but here are some facts. It's safer than alcohol. A dose of a LEGAL edible will leave your system within hours. His hysteria was unfounded and, frankly, rude AF. As for the seafood. Samesies. You are so lucky to get to gather seafood whilst on vacation here. The season is extremely short and it is a luxury that a lot of lifelong residents don't even get to experience. Paying for stuff...taking care of you. Is this FOR you or another way to control you? It's easy to say...."oh, what a great guy." But is he? Financial contributions to control behavior leads to more emotional abuse. You can't fix him. He's broken. Run. There are no arguments you will win, no points you will make. He is convinced he is correct and you are incapable of adult behavior and decisions. He doesn't respect you or your family. It will only get worse. Imagine having a child that will never be allowed to spend time with your family. Never go to Vietnam. Never spend time in the ocean. Please....please...realize that if it's this bad now; it is only going to get worse.
That very first time you said "..his mother said he is LETTING me..." is your cue to get the hell out. His parents' relationship is the only one he knows, where his mother is completely reliant on his father. When you are in a relationship with someone from another culture, they need to be open-minded and curious. This guy seems narrow-minded, closed in and also hugely controlling. There's no way this will not end in tears
NTA. This guy is controlling and manipulative. He doesn't want a life partner, he wants a toy/slave to control. The moment he started threatening breaking up without having an adult discussion and compromising, you should've ended things. Do you wanna live the rest of your life with an asshole that threatens to leave you every time he doesn't have his way ?? This is a sample of life with him, you better run and never look back.
I think deep down you already know that you'll be better off without him. He doesn't care about your feelings, needs and wants. He wants to control you and isolate you so he can own you. He doesn't love you. Break free from him, cause it'll only escalate and you will regret staying. Spend time with your family. Get distance between him and you and start to breathe again. You deserve better.
Oh dump this controlling AH. He's a parade of red flags.
If you think its bad now, wait til you're married and have kids. You can forget having your kids knowing the love of your family. He'll be distant to them and controlling of you. It's obvious he doesn't accept your family or encourage any relationship with them. BIG RED FLAG!!!!
He’s not the one.
You need to get far away from your American Asshole. I lived in Thailand for 12 years. The Asian family structure is different, no Trickle Down Economic Destruction. He is not only disrespecting your family and culture but you as a human being. Dump his ass yesterday.
He sounds somewhat controlling. You sound like you are using him as a sugar daddy while living your best life. I’m pretty sure most parents would have something to say if the person their kid was supporting financially had the money to take multiple overseas trips a year and monthly trips to visit family stateside without him. His mom probably in his ear telling him that he’s being taken advantage of and needs to be a man and take control. I’d just tell him to dump you.
You two have very different lifestyles and perspectives. It sounds like no one is happy, both of you have changed as much as you want to change, and each of you has beefs you can’t overlook. It’s okay to break up. In fact, you should break up. But don’t be surprised when he pulls his financial support. Also- he’s thinking the same thing. People don’t give ultimatums like “if this, then I’ll break up with you” lightly. Is that controlling? Yeah, it is. He definitely knows that if you break up you’re the one who is going to move out and he’s going to save a lot of money. He probably feels like the break up will be easier on him than you. So don’t be in a relationship like that.
Run run run run run. This will not get better only worse.
Red flag Run
Unless you want to live under his and his mother’s thumbs for the rest of your life, break up with him. He’s not trying to “protect” you, he’s trying to control you. His mother will continue to be in his ear influencing him with her weird notions and irrational fears. Stop restricting the time you spend with your family because you will deeply regret it when it’s no longer an option.
He doesn't respect you, your family, or your culture.
You need to break up with him. This will never change. You will miss critical time with your family members that you cannot get back. You will resent him as you already do and it will not get better.
💯
His mother's "anxiety" has already ruined the three of their lives, don't let it ruin yours too. Even though I suspect he is using it for an excuse to be controlling at least to some extent.
This is absotlely not acceptable. Please don’t marry this man. I know a lot of Vietnamese families, 2 months is the normal time to go visit if possible with money and work/school and why would he think your family is any less important than yours? The seafood thing is ridiculous. So is the weed thing. Never ever ever let a man come between you and your friend and family. Especially one who was raised by Catholics. He’s being controlling and I’d call it quits.
Another thought - I don’t think his mother is “anxious.” I think SHE is controlling and passes it off as “fear for your/ his welfare.”
Girl, I couldn’t even make it half way through Run
He is literally laying out the framework now of how he intends to financially abuse and control you in your lives together. He will not allow you to see your family. He will expect you to obey him. He is the worst kind of freakish mama’s boy. He is a nightmare. Why you didn’t walk out already is beyond me. You need to get your courage up now, because at some point this is going to get so very much worse.
Run. The anxiety disorder is a cover for a manipulative abuser. Two things an abuser does: 1. Make you dependent on them while making it seem they are generously helping you. 2. Separate you from your family and friends After he accomplishes these two things, it get much much worse because you don’t have a safety net His mommy is helping me. You can’t win this battle
you can do everything they want and they will keep asking for more and identifying areas where you aren’t good enough/lacking. It’s this constant cycle of belittlement without reward, leaves you on the hook thinking “it’s fine if I just give up xyz, he will be happier and our relationship will go smoother and he will appreciate me” well once you give up on xyz he will come to you asking about uvw then about rst, the whole alphabet. (Metaphor for things he wants to be changed in your life for him) :( I don’t have a crazy story about my experience with this kind of person I’m not one of those sensationalists who goes online crying about “narcissistic abuse” I just know with a person like this, you can give them everything they want and they will still see flaws in you, you will always be in a place of trying to recuperate losses. This is not okay and I hope you gather the strength to make your decision, think about you as a mother someday, would you want your child to cut you off due to their partner? Would you want your daughter to marry someone who wanted to isolate her ?
I'm sorry but it sounds like his mom had a major impact on his mindset. That's a shame seriously. I wouldn't stay in this relationship. He is very controlling and threatening to break up with you is not a way to protect you. That's proof right there it isn't comming from a protective place, he wants you to do what he wants. I'm not one to always say to just break up with people online but this sounds like you will end up alone with his as your only friend and have a relationship with yiur family over the phone and you'll only talk when he's not around. I'd get out of there. :(
You're letting his money control you.
Abuse can't be worked out. You either live in it and accept he will isolate you more and more, and you will be miserable, but get to keep him, or you leave and get therapy so you don't date another version of him.
Sorry, but I must agree: please get out. My ex husband was like this. It won't get better.
Abusive men start out like this, controlling. He is trying to shrink your world and the people in it who would help you get away from the abuse. Do whatever you have to, to leave this situation. This is incredibly unhealthy.
Umm , yes
My partner and I spend more time with his family. They live closer to us and I am much more bonded to them than he is to my parents. (His mom and I are both only children and have found the bond of how we grew up makes us close. We also have similar tastes and interests she didn't share with her sons.) Even with that he went and stayed at my parent's house with me for the 4th because I missed them. It was out of his comfort zone and made him anxious but he did it because he wanted me to spend time with them and be happy. If you marry your fiancé you may never get this type of bond of love. He will only get more controlling.
He's horrible. Get out now. You can do far, far better.
Woah. Your fiance sounds scary. His way or the highway. It doesn't have to be the end, perhaps going to couples therapy/counseling will help. Maybe that might help improve the relationship and build better communication skills as well as understanding one another. Are you with him because you love him or are you with him because of the financial security he provides? If it's love them try the couples therapy, if not then it's better to end the relationship.
Going with Troll because while your BF is controlling the only way to get to the top of Mt Rainer is with a guide and training. Also this year besides paying fir parking they would have had to book online for a time slot which started in June and ends in September fir both entrances. The only way around this is to reserve a camping spot or a room at one of the two lodges as for shell fish harvesting, those are allowed at specific times of the year. One word, research.
I don’t care why he’s doing this. It could be anxiety - I doubt that’s the only issue . He’s tempting to control absolutely everything about you . That’s abuse pure and simple. You are not safe with him.
You need to leave him. He is controlling what you can do, when you can see your family, how long you can see them for. He’s reasoning is all about him with no regard for what you want. He’s even said because he provides financially he gets to have the final say. You’re young but believe me at some point you’ll get sick of being the dutiful child bride and fight for your independence. Save yourself the hassle and end the engagement.
OP, no. Just, no. Read all the comments and come to the conclusion that he is trying to control you under the guise of protecting you. Run away as far as you can. Isolation can be the first sign of narcissistic tendencies. Slowly chipping away at how much time you spend with your family is a BIG deal. I don’t see my family a lot for reasons but I LOVE going around my in laws because it’s just SOOOO much fun. And I couldn’t dream of a day where I get mad at my husband for wanting to see his family - either with or without me. You’re allowed to do things by yourself, you don’t have to be attached to your fiancé 24/7. I struggle with anxiety as well and only feel okay when I’m with my husband but I am learning through therapy that I can do things on my own and the world won’t end. He needs therapy and to stop letting his mom worm her way into his head and making decision for him. We’re conditioned to believe our parents know best so put it this way he says he makes the decisions but whole time his mom is the one who planted the seed. You are SOOO YOUNG. Please do not stay with this man. Things will only get worse and if he’s using finances to dangle over your head to say that he has final say… that’s financial abuse. Please recognize the signs and leave.
I think it’s time to find a new apartment when you get back home. Having debt from college is way better than a lifetime of heartache. He isn’t going to change and anyone who tells you when you get married you lose your rights is not the person to marry.
Hogwash!
His words say that he doesn’t want his parents marriage, but his actions are showing the exact opposite. Believe people when they show you who they are. This is your future. His actions are eerily similar to his mother’s. These things tend to get worse with time. This will be your future despite his words. You really seem to want different things out of life, don’t you think?
What year is this from, lol.
Can I date you? Not a guy but I would seriously date you just to hang out with your family. You need to throw the whole guy away. I promise there are better people out there for you to marrybwh would appreciate you and your family. Find one of them.
Your fiance is abusive. Soon he will tell you that you shouldn't work since it's his job as "the man" to provide for you. He's already using his money to control you. He's not trying to protect you. He wants you to live under his control. He's isolating you and before long he won't even let you leave your home without him. He does not respect you. Please do not marry him.
This is how you will live if you stay, a prisoner to his fears, to his envy of your family, and to his need to control you. His behavior will only get worse and instead of twice a year it will be one, then every other, and only for a few days. Run and don't look back.
Interesting that he said his goal is to achieve the relationship *he* wants. Not you two together. He refused to see your family because…his mommy’s afraid harvesting shellfish is going to harm her precious baby boy? Then he refused to go to Rainier because it’s dangerous. Honestly sounds like he’s finding reasons to not spend time with you or your family. Honey, him threatening to break up was absolutely not about protecting you. This is about controlling you. At least he’s showing his true colors now before you’re actually married. Based on everything you wrote, he already thinks he has you trapped since he proposed. Save yourself a lifetime of this and walk away. It will get worse after marriage, I don’t even want to think what would happen if kids were involved.
This will only get worse over time. He is extremely controlling, neurotic, and a massive hypocrite. Tell him he’s not allowed to see his family anymore or do anything risky and see what he says. Better yet, just dump this asshole. Relationships aren’t supposed to be like this.
Comes down if you love min and his support more than your freedom. He is trying to control your life and it’s only going to get worse now he’s trying to control your time with family next it will be friends if it’s not all ready then it will be way you can wear or watch but it’s your choice I personally think you should run
I know it’s such a typical reddit response but really really consider your marriage to this person. These are some quite concerning red flags, especially before you’ve even committed to them legally. You deserve to have someone who values your relationship with your family and your choices in life as much as their own.
This is going to end up on BORU with an update that it turns out he or his family is racist.
I can’t get past the visiting family for 2 months, you’re so lucky. A lot of people I know can only take 2-3 weeks off work (vacation) to visit their home country. Your fiancé is very controlling. Maybe he’s jealous of not having what you have. Don’t ever change your life for him. If he’s not willing to get some kind of therapy I would end the relationship. You are very young, you need to be with someone who shares the same values as you.
Don’t need to read your novel to answer your initial question. YES, it should be a definite YES, but, somehow you won’t believe that until further down the road when it is much harder and potentially more dangerous. Good luck with that.
He doesn't want a wife who is a partner, he wants a gurk he can "protect & control" and assumes that since you are from an Asian country , that is you. He has shown you who he is (my wifr will listen to me), and he has shown you that he will try (apparently successfully) to seperate you from your family. You deserve better. Let momma have her boy. You be truw to you. Move on.
Family is all that matters. Does he want to be part of your family or not?
His perspective is that he owns you. His family is right about everything, your family is not important at all. He's scared of life and it will get worse not better if you marry him.
Your fiancé's protective nature is understandable, but his control over your time with family raises big red flags. Marriage should be about mutual respect and compromise, not ultimatums. I think that's your queue to run.
If you think this is bad now, just wait until you marry him, and he feels he owns you. And it won't just be him you're married to but his mom too. Your life will be miserable with other people controlling it. Don't marry him, if you value yourself. See if your parents can help you get a different place and leave his pathetic ass.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, so you see the red flags, but you’re in denial and hanging on to this relationship where he is controlling and insecure. It’ll only get worse as he continues to isolate you from your family. You missed out on making family memories at Mt Rainier. How many times more does that need to happen? Go live your life how you want to, not with restrictions by this guy and judgement by his mother, which will never cease. Think how happy you were to go clamming with your family, and then how sad and disappointed you were to miss Mt. Rainier. Do be fearful of him breaking up with you. Be brave and independent and break up with him.
Girl run. Don't look back.
This will only get worse. You should be able to visit your family whenever you want for however long you want. I presume he has alienated you from friends as well. He wants you stuck at ho.e with the kids, no friends or family and reliant on him, unable to leave. Doyou want this to continue ue for the rest of your life as ut will only get worse if you marry him.
He is controlling and isolating you from your family. It is not about safety. Also, pot is legal in WA. Make sure you control your birth control because he may try to knock you up to keep you. You are quite young and have been with this jerk too long. Plan your exit. He is emotionally abusive now and I worry it will escalate.
You need to leave. He's not worth it.
Giiiiirl, he is not the one. Someone who really loved you wouldn’t want to control you like this. You’re not some doll that will do everything he says. He doesn’t respect you as a person and clearly doesn’t trust you or your judgment. I was exhausted reading this, he has his head so far up his own ass that he can’t see reason. Why the f are you in a relationship with someone who treats you like this? Someone who doesn’t “allow” you to be with your family? You’re an adult, you don’t need his permission to do anything
Oooh please, get out. Go back to your family, or with friends or whatever. This man is highly controlling, he wants to own you. He is not going to change, he wants you to obey him and is trying to cut you off from your family.
His perspective is skewed because it’s influenced, if not outright dictated by mental illness. His behavior is controlling and abusive. A relationship is supposed to be your safe space, not the place you feel anxious or scared about returning to. If you’re in a place where you feel your stomach tensing up at the thought of going home and having to brace yourself for what you might find when you get there, you should leave that situation. You can do much, MUCH better.
Don’t marry this person.
Please please please leave this man. You sound like you have a loving family. Please consider moving to where they are or trying to find a way to get out. You can leave him. You can do this!
Thus is what happens when they get you young. You're literally being treated like a pet that get timeout when they act up. Just leave this man. Tf tmif you parents died today he would tell you it's to dangerous to go to the funeral.
He needs therapy and you need to move out and visit your family. If you find your way back to win another great, if not even better
Definately break up lol, there are plenty of guys out there who would kill to be with someone whos close with their family and do family activities together.
Bla bla bla bla bla bla , u should have been breakup like yesterday.
Run. Run and don't look back. He's trying to isolate you and that never ends well.
He’s isolated you from your family while you are traveling to see your family. Got it. This is not “protective” this is “abusive.” “He wants to pay while I’m in school.” Right. This is another form of controlling you. I was in a similar situation at your age and did not see it until we split up. Get away from this guy. Even if you still feel like you love him, you MUST step out of it so you can get a better look at what it’s like to be free to experience your life instead of the life HE wants you to have. Please, please. I know I’m a stranger on the internet, but the feeling in my gut reading your account makes me wish I could help you pack and get you back to your parents.
Yes it is over cause he is very controlling and you don't need that in your life. He is already cutting your contact with family and is upset about you not doing what his mommy wants.
Find someone who’s not just interested in a submissive Asian doll. Get away from this guy. Whatever his feelings for you, they aren’t love. UpdateMe
OP, if your best friend came to you and told you this story what would you think? He’s way out of order and it’s only going to get worse. He’s controlling, abusive, and he’s trying to isolate you. Get out now.
Yes. It’s the end. Never stay with a person who isolates you from family and friends. Never.
Auntie would leave. Auntie cannot condone actions that do harm to property, but I'd be hoping his insurance was paid up as I walked out of his door.
What will happen when the father dies? All the anxiety will be on him & you. Get out while you can. Good luck!
Fast forward: you are married and have a baby. You want to take your baby to Vietnam to visit your family. Do you think he will let you take HIS baby on a big scary plane to a foreign country for 2 weeks much less 2 months? You may be thinking but that’s way the future and we will have worked all this out. The odds are against it. His issues are baked in from way back. His mother programmed him this way. He will need some therapy and by some I mean A LOT. The longer you are with him harder it is to decide to leave because you feel like you have “invested” so much time you don’t want to walk away, tomorrow he may change. He won’t. Being told that everything you want to do is too dangerous and if you do it means you don’t love him does not sound like a fun life. One day you will realize you are being smothered and can’t breathe. I have felt that. It is a terrible feeling.
Run....
Dump this controlling a-hole
Ma'm I think you should leave he's too controlling and the relationship is sounding very unhealthy at this point.
>I don't know how to move forward from here. You move out of his home and on with YOUR life. You run as fast and far as you can from his red flags.
Break up now. Get your stuff and go. He can find another stepford wife .
End it. Run. Don't look back. Not only is he controlling, he sounds fucking ignorant. You're trying to educate and better yourself. He's dead weight. Have a good cry, then take a few edibles, laugh your ass off, and relax. I know this is real emotions, people's feelings, and a really delicate situation because you live with him, but it is only going to get worse.
Run done walk away from this man before you make the biggest mistake of your life and marry him.
Run, run fast. He is overly controlling and manipulative. He is trying to isolate you from your family. Red flags. You have every right to spend as much time with your family as you want. Cannabis is legal in plenty of places, he is being immature. He is also a huge hypocrite for how much time he spends with his family, who has a very toxic outlook on relationships. He has been conditioned to think it is somehow normal. You seriously need to break up, because he is trying to even to use it as a threat to control you. Things will get worse the longer you are with him. Edit: I felt the need to add this. I am diagnosed with severe social anxiety disorder, and I do not cling to my fiance. Sure we love spending time with each other but we have our whole lives for it. We both still give each other the space we deserve and need. Plenty of times he goes to visit his family, and I don't go along clinging to him, and vice versa. People need time to breathe on there own. It is being twisted and used as a classic manipulative tactic by someone abusive.
Seen it too many times! The worst was a woman who was locked inside the house, wasn't allowed to wear clothes (unless he took her to church etc) and couldn't even speak unless she had permission. RUN!!!