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I'll be honest... my mask meant I had no personality.
I didn't know the term 'masking' ten years ago, but I know I was masking then because I was so, *so* relieved when I could be alone because I felt like I could "just be myself."
Masking meant I was docile, pleasant, and quiet. I appeared slow (because I had to filter my reactions through what I thought was appropriate) and I could be easily overwhelmed so friends typically treated me like a cute lil animal.
I was a great listener. Because I never talked about myself, or my likes, or shared my opinions. Friends loved to talk at me for hours without having to worry about me disagreeing with them.
When I tried to share things I liked, someone would make fun of me and I'd never mention that thing again. I became attached to people who liked things I liked.
I described myself as a "background character in everyone's story, with no story of my own." I accepted this about myself.
I'm in my late 30s now, diagnosed and medicated. I mask when appropriate but only the necessary amount, as all people must do in society. I am unashamedly myself now. I mess up, and I can be mean sometimes. I'm opinionated and passionate. I'm not everyone's cup of tea, not even my own! But I am me and, idk, I feel a lot better being seen even if I'm messy, rather than being invisible until it suits others to glance my way.
I often was ridiculed, too. I have a friend who loves to tear down things others like, even things she says SHE likes! It got to the point where I had repeated discussions with her about it: how it makes a person feel, how she needs to be more mindful with what she's saying and to who. I've even started calling her out *in front of others* when she does it, because at this point, shame is the only thing that will get her to behave. That's when the "mean" part comes in for me.
Remember: defending you and yours, building and enforcing boundaries, and saying the word 'no' aren't mean behaviors. They are good and healthy behaviors. People are going to be upset because this wasn't part of your relationship with them before and they're going to feel like you've changed/gotten mean/are faking your symptoms/etc, but that's part of how they'll cope with the shift. You are allowed to take up space, you are allowed to drop your mask. And more importantly, you are allowed to make mistakes! Everyone does!
Here are my 3 rules for myself:
Never embellish or exaggerate the retelling of an event to gain favor with someone. Always strive for honesty.
Be me, but be mindful of others. Don't disrupt the flow of society just because I need something done differently (no cutting in line because I'm impatient, no playing with a noisy fidget during a meeting, no saying something mean just to be mean, etc.)
Always apologize when I'm wrong, no matter how embarassing it is, *provided it is safe for me to do so.* It doesn't matter if what I was wrong about is indirectly justifiable or something. If I mess up, I fess up.
I think these keep me pretty decent as a human being, even when I'm not masked up! Even when some of these things are things I'd never do anyway! This way, I can keep an eye on who I'm becoming without a mask and use it as my recentering point.
You should come up with rules for yourself, too, so you can always have something to ground yourself and come back to.
Sometimes masking is useful.
I haven’t had much success thinking of it in terms of integrating or changing it.
I have more success thinking of it is, creating more times in my life to take it off, and less time I need to put it on.
There are occasionally times when I simply want to appear as a Normal Human Being ^TM. I don’t *want* to be authentic, I just want to be polite enough to get through this (whatever thing) and be on my way.
Examples might be: Funeral, job interview, supermarket checkout, routine traffic stop, obligatory get-together of folks I see maybe twice a year.
My likability seems a J-shaped curve. If I know you for an hour, I can mask and fake it reasonably. But I can’t keep up the farce for long, and I find my authentic self is an acquired taste. At 5 hours, you’ve seen my authentic self, and she’s not very palatable. I’m not bothered by this because I’m nothing if not persistent. Like coffee or wine, you’ll find me unpleasant at first, but eventually you’ll look forward to me as a part of your week, and you won’t even know when it happened.
That’s a time-commitment though. I ain’t got 50 hours to invest in every Tom, Dick & Henrietta that comes my way. I simply don’t care to have an authentic relationship with *everyone* and am content to mask up & be sufficiently polite to the NPCs of my world & move on to the folks I’d rather put my time into.
As time goes on, I give ever-fewer cares about what others think of me. Perks of aging I suppose? Can’t be bothered. Who has the time? I suppose in this way I might be “integrating”?
There are times when I put on the social conventions of politeness without worrying, for example, about looking like an idiot. I don’t want to be unkind or mean, but I’m fine if you think I’m a ditz. As Dolly Parton said, “Dumb blonde jokes don’t bother me, because I know I’m not dumb and I know I’m not blonde.” goals material that.
I have been intentionally unmasking when it's safe to do so in recent years. I've discovered so many masking techniques I didn't even realize I was using. Being more intentional about it has taught me a lot.
That said, I've come to a place where I am much more intentional about masking. masks are useful tools. it isn't fake to be kind when you feel like going off on someone. it isn't cringe to smile and nod instead of oversharing your every thought. not everyone deserves my fully authentic self, nor do they want it.
I don't feel the need to integrate my masks anymore. they are just like clothes that I can put on or take off as the situation requires. I don't drive my car through the grocery store,but I do drive it to the grocery store. same with my masks. they are tools I use for my own purposes now. before, I think they were more or less thrust upon me for survival.
Hi, /u/_Opal_Onyx_! Thanks for posting on our subreddit! Please **[be aware of our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXADHD/wiki/meta/rules/)** before posting! For example, some of these rules include the following: * content must be related to ADHD; * explanatory text (it can be placed in a comment of the post) should be included in a post/cross-post with a picture. Any content that does not follow the rules may be removed. Thank you! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoXADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'll be honest... my mask meant I had no personality. I didn't know the term 'masking' ten years ago, but I know I was masking then because I was so, *so* relieved when I could be alone because I felt like I could "just be myself." Masking meant I was docile, pleasant, and quiet. I appeared slow (because I had to filter my reactions through what I thought was appropriate) and I could be easily overwhelmed so friends typically treated me like a cute lil animal. I was a great listener. Because I never talked about myself, or my likes, or shared my opinions. Friends loved to talk at me for hours without having to worry about me disagreeing with them. When I tried to share things I liked, someone would make fun of me and I'd never mention that thing again. I became attached to people who liked things I liked. I described myself as a "background character in everyone's story, with no story of my own." I accepted this about myself. I'm in my late 30s now, diagnosed and medicated. I mask when appropriate but only the necessary amount, as all people must do in society. I am unashamedly myself now. I mess up, and I can be mean sometimes. I'm opinionated and passionate. I'm not everyone's cup of tea, not even my own! But I am me and, idk, I feel a lot better being seen even if I'm messy, rather than being invisible until it suits others to glance my way.
Thank you so much for sharing 🩵 I still struggle with feeling like I am perceived as being dumb or having no personality but being ridiculed when I actually do share something. But you give me hope that it can be different and better :)
I often was ridiculed, too. I have a friend who loves to tear down things others like, even things she says SHE likes! It got to the point where I had repeated discussions with her about it: how it makes a person feel, how she needs to be more mindful with what she's saying and to who. I've even started calling her out *in front of others* when she does it, because at this point, shame is the only thing that will get her to behave. That's when the "mean" part comes in for me. Remember: defending you and yours, building and enforcing boundaries, and saying the word 'no' aren't mean behaviors. They are good and healthy behaviors. People are going to be upset because this wasn't part of your relationship with them before and they're going to feel like you've changed/gotten mean/are faking your symptoms/etc, but that's part of how they'll cope with the shift. You are allowed to take up space, you are allowed to drop your mask. And more importantly, you are allowed to make mistakes! Everyone does! Here are my 3 rules for myself: Never embellish or exaggerate the retelling of an event to gain favor with someone. Always strive for honesty. Be me, but be mindful of others. Don't disrupt the flow of society just because I need something done differently (no cutting in line because I'm impatient, no playing with a noisy fidget during a meeting, no saying something mean just to be mean, etc.) Always apologize when I'm wrong, no matter how embarassing it is, *provided it is safe for me to do so.* It doesn't matter if what I was wrong about is indirectly justifiable or something. If I mess up, I fess up. I think these keep me pretty decent as a human being, even when I'm not masked up! Even when some of these things are things I'd never do anyway! This way, I can keep an eye on who I'm becoming without a mask and use it as my recentering point. You should come up with rules for yourself, too, so you can always have something to ground yourself and come back to.
Wow thanks for this detailed answer! I’m going to try making rules like that for sure :)
Sometimes masking is useful. I haven’t had much success thinking of it in terms of integrating or changing it. I have more success thinking of it is, creating more times in my life to take it off, and less time I need to put it on. There are occasionally times when I simply want to appear as a Normal Human Being ^TM. I don’t *want* to be authentic, I just want to be polite enough to get through this (whatever thing) and be on my way. Examples might be: Funeral, job interview, supermarket checkout, routine traffic stop, obligatory get-together of folks I see maybe twice a year. My likability seems a J-shaped curve. If I know you for an hour, I can mask and fake it reasonably. But I can’t keep up the farce for long, and I find my authentic self is an acquired taste. At 5 hours, you’ve seen my authentic self, and she’s not very palatable. I’m not bothered by this because I’m nothing if not persistent. Like coffee or wine, you’ll find me unpleasant at first, but eventually you’ll look forward to me as a part of your week, and you won’t even know when it happened. That’s a time-commitment though. I ain’t got 50 hours to invest in every Tom, Dick & Henrietta that comes my way. I simply don’t care to have an authentic relationship with *everyone* and am content to mask up & be sufficiently polite to the NPCs of my world & move on to the folks I’d rather put my time into. As time goes on, I give ever-fewer cares about what others think of me. Perks of aging I suppose? Can’t be bothered. Who has the time? I suppose in this way I might be “integrating”? There are times when I put on the social conventions of politeness without worrying, for example, about looking like an idiot. I don’t want to be unkind or mean, but I’m fine if you think I’m a ditz. As Dolly Parton said, “Dumb blonde jokes don’t bother me, because I know I’m not dumb and I know I’m not blonde.” goals material that.
I have been intentionally unmasking when it's safe to do so in recent years. I've discovered so many masking techniques I didn't even realize I was using. Being more intentional about it has taught me a lot. That said, I've come to a place where I am much more intentional about masking. masks are useful tools. it isn't fake to be kind when you feel like going off on someone. it isn't cringe to smile and nod instead of oversharing your every thought. not everyone deserves my fully authentic self, nor do they want it. I don't feel the need to integrate my masks anymore. they are just like clothes that I can put on or take off as the situation requires. I don't drive my car through the grocery store,but I do drive it to the grocery store. same with my masks. they are tools I use for my own purposes now. before, I think they were more or less thrust upon me for survival.