It doesn't matter whether or not this guy is bad at sex.
He is a bad person. Run far away.
He pressured you into doing things you didn't want, he refused to wear a condom even though you said that was a requirement -- he's a loser. He doesn't value you as a person or even as a sex partner.
I'm so sorry your first time was like this. You deserved much better.
If you must say something, how about:
"You didn't respect my boundaries or me as a person, you refused to wear a condom, I hope you never treat another woman this badly again."
Then block him on every form of contact and move on.
If this experience makes you more worried and more careful around men... well, unfortunately, women *do* need to be wary and cautious around men.
"Bad at sex" would be things like being clumsy when touching you, thrusting too roughly, rushing through foreplay, etc. Perfectly reasonable people can be bad at the physical mechanics of sex, and often can learn to be better.
What OP is describing is issues with consent and respect, the guy just wanting to have sex regardless of if she wanted it or would enjoy it, that's generally not worth bothering to fix.
I've been in OPs shoes. Sometimes things happen so fast and we give the benefit of the doubt, even to people who don't deserve it (not that we realise at the time).
The guy is bad person. Do NOT let him near you again. Now that's said let's focus on you.
If you ever feel uncomfortable again, what I advise is say you are DYING to use the toilet and you are going to pee/poop your pants. Doesn't matter if you gross him out because good guys know women poop.
Insist you have to find a toilet. Get out of the situation, be in the toilet and calm yourself dowh. have your phone, call an Uber or a taxi. Text a friend. Wait for transport and leave. You can always message the guy and say you were ill.
The toilet thing buys you time to gather your thoughts.
Sometimes we freeze and don't know how to get out of a situation. Here's your out. Commit it to memory.
Guy this stupid does not understand big words like boundaries or long sentences and does not give a flying about respect so "you're really bad at sex (leave me alone)" would be my choice of wording and please definitely let him know.
And don't be ashamed, how could you have known he'd be like this? Expecting normal interaction, like listening to your partner, is not shameful.
I think I agree with this sentiment. He's not going to care that he disrespected boundaries, so he's going to brush off any of that.
However, telling him he's a terrible sexual partner might actually bother him.
It's still worth saying tho, imo.
Lots of people who don't respect boundaries still don't like the idea of being perceived as shitty.
Maybe he'll rationalize it to himself/OP, gas light, etc, but it might penetrate.
I've known many sort of lousy people who still manage to be mostly decent *largely because they don't want to be perceived/perceive themselves as a "bad person"*
Not everyone intrinsically is empathetic and directly cares about other people's feelings.... But most people are self-conscious of other people's opinions of them.
Definitely still worth saying! He needs to be called out, no matter the choice of words. It really comes down to what OP is comfortable with. I personally would probably tell him he sucks at boundaries and sex.
It doesn’t need to even that complicated.
Apparently you’re not smart enough to understand the word ‘no’, I don’t see any point in spending any time with you again.
Couldn't agree more. I would definitely say something to him about not respecting your boundaries because he needs to know that. I'm sorry this happened to you. You aren't alone. Just know this. Unfortunately many women have had similar experiences.
I stopped reading at “went straight to making me suck him off”. You don’t need to tell him anything, he knows and doesn’t care. Or he knows and will gaslight the shit out of you.
Sounds like it's not about him being bad at sex but just being a shit person in general. He obviously just didn't give a rat's ass about you at all. I really hope you don't have plans to see him again.
I'm sorry that your first time was so awful! Usually the first time is awkward - and the first time with a new partner can also be awkward.
I'd go ahead and get an appointment to get yourself tested for STD's and never talk to this guy again. I wouldn't bother telling him that he was "bad" because that's just going to make him defensive and probably start a fight.
I know it’s better not to tell him but I’d be petty af especially if he hasn’t paid (or maybe will not pay) for plan b. Like thanks for making me pretty much pay for less than a minute and without an orgasm. But I wouldn’t have this attitude years ago to be honest.
Also it would be good to learn how to say no better even if someone insists and if you don’t feel safe to say no maybe an excuse like x was going to call and I’m worried about her or oh I didn’t tell my roommates/parents I was going out and they are expecting help with this etc.
Also, it sucks that your first time was like this and that he didn’t listen to you or give you pleasure as well.
>Also it would be good to learn how to say no better even if someone insists and if you don’t feel safe
It does really suck that this is practical advice for women and that that guy who committed sexual assault (not listening is one thing, not using a condom despite clear instructions is sexual assault) is probably never going to learn to listen to no.
>Another thing that seriously bothered me was that I did tell him multiple times that he should wear a condom and that I'm not on any birth control, but he quite literally brushed it aside and kept reassuring me and continuing on like it was nothing important.
That is sexual assault OP. I am really sorry this happened, I would not even contact him to tell him anything of the sort.
I would take it further. If he is acquainted with other female friends of yours, and you think there's any possibility that they might go out with him, you can simply tell them straight out what to expect from him. This is not something you should really keep to yourself, regardless of how embarrassed you might feel.
OP, what this man did sounds more like SA than it does bad sex. He pressured you and disregarded your boundaries, he continued to engage in acts you did not consent to.
Second this. I’m a guy and while there’s certainly the awkward, clumsy and short stamina that comes with early/young sex, that’s no excuse for what he did. OP said wait, go slow, no now *AND USE A CONDOM* and he did none of those things. That was rape. Get tested, Plan B, and slap him into next week if you don’t press charges.
You should block the shit out of him after writing:
"I didn't consent to condomless sex, which makes you a creep. Going forward, try to take consent into consideration and quit assaulting girls".
>>You should block the shit out of him after writing:
>>"I didn't consent to condomless sex, which makes you a ~~creep~~ ***rapist***. Going forward, ~~try to~~ take consent into consideration and quit ***sexually*** assaulting girls".
>Another thing that seriously bothered me was that I did tell him
multiple times that he should wear a condom and that I'm not on any
birth control, but he quite literally brushed it aside and kept
reassuring me and continuing on like it was nothing important.
That's not 'being bad at sex', that's [committing an assault](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-consensual_condom_removal).
Fixing this person is an unwinnable fight, do not engage in it. If you are in a place where a non-consensual lack of condom usage is on the books as a crime, you may consider pressing charges against him for SA.
I wouldn’t tell him. I also wouldn’t ever talk to him again. Block him, and write off the cost of the Plan B as a learning expense. He honestly sounds rather unhinged.
OP this really sounds like SA. He continued to do things you explicitly told him you didn't want. He didn't care and did them or coerced you into doing them. Never see him again. Block him and get tested. Be safe
This wasn’t bad sex. This was sexual assault, OP. I’m not sure of the age demographic here, but as a 34 year old, I feel like I have some good hindsight.
This wasn’t bad sex. Please hear me when I tell you: do not base your future sex life on this. Do not accept this as normal. Do not expect this. Do not excuse this. Consensual sex is fun and safe. This was not that.
I’m so sorry. ❤️
I am absolutely horrified by this. Left bleeding? He ignored you completely and did all this without a condom or anything? Pressured a virgin??
Even you thinking you could have rough sex your FIRST time. Honey no. That's so toxic that you'd even think that.
For context, I lost my v with my HS boyfriend of a couple years. I was barely 17, same with him. It took months of negotiations, lots of talking and exploration, and condoms always because neither of us were interested in ruining our lives. He was kind and gentle and never pressured me. It was comfortable and we shared in the awkwardness. I have awesome memories of that, and it was in a car!
It's not hard for a TEENAGE BOY to figure out how to properly treat a female body during this intimate moment. You're telling me this grown man ignored all available evidence and.... basically assaulted you? This makes my heart cry because it just should not be this way.
Is this because of porn?? Porn and the fact that men see us as sex objects far too often?
I don't even know what to recommend here.... but I do know that you need to get tested and speak to some SA resource. Never speak to this man again. You don't need to tell him anything.
I wouldn’t tell him and honestly I wouldn’t talk to him in the future because he did a lot of things without your consent :( He clearly does not value communication so you don’t need to communicate a performance rating to him!
Pressuring you into doing things you don’t want (having sex in the car, making you deep throat, and not wearing a condom) and then doing unexpected things that should be talked about beforehand (finishing on you) is so terrible and not something any good partner would do.
Do not ever talk to him again. He is a boundary ignoring asshole. This reads more as SA than bad sex. He didn’t care about you at all, only getting his dick wet. He didn’t even care that he could get your pregnant! Red flag after red flag. This isn’t fixable.
I’m not going to add what everyone else has already said: this guy is not worth 1 more second of your time and telling him would just be adding to that.
What I want to say is: At any moment during, when he was being rough with you, when he made you do and continue oral when you didn’t expect or enjoy it—you have the ability to stop. You can tell your partner to slow down, to switch things up, that you need a breather, and tell them you’re not enjoying it. You have the ability to take control, and a good partner—particularly one who knows you’re less experienced—would WANT you to be in control.
Same goes with condoms and bc. It is YOUR choice. You don’t have to let him brush you aside. Any partner who doesn’t think of STD and pregnancy concerns for THEMSELVES will absolutely not think about your feelings or considerations. Please be your own advocate! Advocate for yourself and your pleasure.
I’m sure you mean well but this is just not true. Sometimes a man cares so little about what you want that he just won’t stop, and the more you fight the harder it is to deal with. Sometimes going along with it feels like the safest option. Telling OP she had a choice is telling her it’s her fault he did this.
My advice was general and meant for a virgin/newbie to sex like OP, and some things are for her to consider before the act of sex (like condoms and birth control). My response is obviously not applicable when it comes to rape, which OP did not indicate she felt was her experience. I’m telling her she has choices about what she wants when when approaching a sexual encounter, not that she has control of someone else.
Edited to add: I’m not victim blaming, since OP has not said she feels victimized. I have concerns for her and want her to empower herself in her next experiences. You obviously interpret the post as rape, but I will leave that for OP to define that for herself. She has not said she was assaulted.
I want women to advocate for themselves whenever possible and not just be a passive party when it comes to sex.
If you're going to tell him, don't have expectations for his response. Tell him for the act of telling him. Tell him for the sake of standing up for yourself. But don't tell him hoping for an apology or better behavior in the future. Like others have said, drop this guy whether you tell him or not.
I'm sorry your first time was so bad in so many different ways. You can *always* insist on using condoms, no condom no sex. It's worth it for the peace of mind.
Don’t even need to read the post. Yes.
Editing after reading: Okay, yikes. Woah. I would go as far as to say this guy SA’d you. Coerced you into sex in a location you were uncomfortable in, forced you to perform rough oral, refused to wear a condom, and then did no foreplay to the point that you *bled*.
You should have gotten out of there the second he tried to coerce you to have sex in the car. That’s a crime, public indecency, and where I live it’s a felony and sex offender registry addition immediately.
I’m so sorry this is how your first time went. Don’t ever contact him again and block him on everything. If he tries to contact you inform him you don’t want to talk to him again, and if he persists call the police. This guy is a freak and is unsafe for you. Please take warm baths and avoid using scented soaps while you heal from the tearing you undoubtedly have. Be gentle to yourself. This wasn’t your fault.
This should be the top comment. Not only is this guy a rapist but he pressured OP into potentially participating in a crime herself. Go to the hospital and to the police, OP.
This is a disgusting way to behave with someone who has expressed their lack of experience. I'm out of words, but this is unbelievably uncaring, selfish and plain abhorrent behaviour on his part. Half of this sounds abusive, he was routinely ignoring your needs and boundaries.
No need for further communication with him, get your plan B, get seen by a doctor for your injuries(?!) and STD tests.
If I were you I would cut all contact with him. He didn’t respect you or boundaries. He is a bad partner because having sex was about him and only him. Safe sec is non negotiable and you should consider getting plan B even though he didn’t ejaculate inside you so
E men has sperm in their pre-ejaculate.
You need to go zero contact with this dude who ignored your request for a condom and physically harmed you for his own gratification. Nothing good will ever come from having contact with these kinds of men.
Eh he most likely doesn’t care if he’s bad at it, seems like he’s only interested in his own pleasure. I would just block him and move on. In the future you need to be more strict with boundaries. I’m sorry you had to go through that for your first time.
He doesn't respect you and arguably assaulted you. If you ask for a condom he doesn't get to say no and have sex anyway. Lots of guys try this because they don't respect boundaries/women. Women tend not to hold boundaries, my guess is partly out of fear of what men will do, and men know it and abuse it.
I am sorry he did this to you, you deserve better, and he doesn't deserve to hear from you ever again. Move on from him as best you can. If he cared so little about your enjoyment knowing it was your first time, imagine how little he will care going forward.
So, uh, *check notes* that man has pressured you into having sex where you were not comfortable (car), made you deepthroat him without warning (let alone consent), heard you say you wanted a condom and didn't use one, and ejaculated on you, again without warning or consent?
*record screeches*
That man is not merely "bad at sex", he is a rapist. This is not on you. You voiced your boundaries, he ignored and violated them, and even if you hadn't said it outright, lack of refusal is *not* consent.
this was not bad sex. this was rape. you repeatedly told him you didn't want something, and he repeatedly ignored your wishes. please never ever see this person again. do not blame yourself, and see a professional to help you process this.
It isn't really that he is bad at sex, though that is obvious, it is more that he was only concerned with getting what he wanted and used you to accomplish that. Your pleasure and well-being wasn't important to him and that is incredibly shitty. I am sorry he was such an asshole.
You deserved a completely different experience not just because it was your first time having sex but because your needs and concerns are just as important as theirs everytime you have sex with someone.
This guy isn’t bad at sex. He is bad at boundaries, communication, respect and many other cherished personality traits of non-shite people. Im sorry your first experience was so awful. Run from this POS like he’s on fire
Never never consent to intercourse with someone new until he’s gotten you off first (if your body works like that). Wonderful rule of thumb. Just keep saying not yet, but you don’t have to say why. It will eliminate so many duds, and it will save you from what happened above (unless he proceeded anyway, in which case it would still be sexual assault)
He 100% heard the word virgin and took advantage. It’s clear it was all about him and not about making sure you had a decent first experience. I wouldn’t waste any more time on this piece of garbage. Go get tested for any STI/STD and I’d recommend maybe getting started on some form of birth control if you’re wanting to continue to explore with new people. I’m sorry you had such a bad first experience.
This is sexual assault. Especially since you are virgin, nice guys would go slow and constantly be asking if it is ok with you. And basically let you do what you want Vs. Him. I am sorry your first experience was like that… good job getting the Plan B. I would tell him he should have used a condom and you got forced to do oral. Seriously, he should know before doing this to other girls.
All of this speaks to a guy trying to be dominant after watching too much porn, without your consent or respecting your boundaries.
Which means you were sexually assaulted as others have said.
The first time with a new partner is often really awkward because you haven't learned each other's preferences and bodies yet. You're not in sync.
This experience isn't that. It might take some time for you to process that this was assault. Reach out to helplines if/when you need it.
I'm so sorry this happened. Please don't contact him again for your own safety.
I am sorry you had to deal with this your first time. Maybe he preyed on you for the virgin reason. This would be an awful experience for anyone let alone a first time.
Like everyone else I would say don't meet him in person. I would tell him off, but though messenger of something. I wouldn't see him in person at all. Definitely get STD test because if that is how he treats you, that is how he treats everyone. Cut him off entirely. He is a disgusting POS who doesn't care about or respect you in the slightest. Obviously you need to speak out more, but that is hard for women especially it being your first time. It was an awful time because he treated you like a sex object and not a person, let alone person who's first time it it.
Guys don't generally act like this and if one shows the signs you have to stop them, and asshole will keep pleading and pushing and trying to push you into doing something they know you don't want because they want it. When I was a teen I lost my virginity to anther Virgin and he was great and very sweet and everything was nice, but I have had delt with the douche bag I had to break up with because they have done things like push my head down on them. Then laugh when I get pissed. These were young guys at the time in their teens and early 20's. I have had guys try and talk me into outside sex, sex in a closet during a party, no condoms. It is fucked up and I ended up breaking up with those guys. This guy won't care how you feel after. He didn't give a shit during. I definitely wouldn't expect him to pay for half of anything. He is trash and you just need to not have anything to do with him. If you kept seeing him he would keep treating you the same and you would probably end up pregnant and he would probably tell you that you need to abort, because that is how those types of men behave. They don't care about anyone but themselves.
He’s a f*ck-no. Please don’t see him again.
But also, don’t blame yourself for having experienced this. People don’t walk around with wearing their heart on their sleeves…or an honest yelp review on themselves as a person/sex partner. You can never know, and that’s why you either wait to get to know each other or just be a daredevil. You win some you lose some, for the latter.
Oh, please do get checked for STIs. I’m rooting for you to feel better and become intimacy-savvy and happy about it one day!
If he doesn't know that was awful then there's something wrong with his tiny mind (although I think we have already established there is).
Don't bother telling him anything just don't contact him again especially because he completely ignored you about wearing protection which is borderline sexual assault if he seemingly coerced you into it.
Well, get your money first, then cut him off. No reason to be ashamed of yourself, the embarrassing one is him.
Regardless of what you felt on the night in terms of being firmer, you clearly are willing to stand up for yourself if you are demanding he pays half the cost when a lot of people probably wouldn't even want to face him (understandably) and just cut him off as a total loss. Either way don't beat yourself up about it, I'm sure next time you would use this experience to cut the crap before it starts. But hopefully next time you'll meet someone less shit.
Oh there’s definitely no borderline about it! Coercion is rape and this guy coerced OP into doing multiple things she didn’t want to do.
OP, nothing except an enthusiastic “yes” is consent. In the future, if you don’t feel comfortable and you’re hesitant to agree to do something and the dude badgers you or sweet talks you to convince you to give in - that’s rape. Any potential partner needs to stop *immediately* when the other person is uncomfortable or hesitant. If they don’t and they beg and force you to continue, then they’re a rapist.
>I also keep thinking back on last night and wished that I was firmer with boundaries. I was already really nervous from the start, and then everything just happened so fast?? I don’t know why, I’m just so angry and stupid right now and wished I had been more careful about this whole thing. I’m so ashamed of myself
I'm sorry you had such a bad experience. As others said, the problem is not that he was bad at sex. The problem is that he is a bad person.
What he did to you was sexual assault as he disregarded your consent on every step of the way. It is NOT your fault! You said what you wanted or didn't want every step of the way and HE chose to ignore it. He is a rapist and my advice to you would be to cut all contact with him. That he didn't use a condom although you explicitly told him he must wear a condom is such a violation of your consent and in fact IS rape in the legal system of many countries. You can report this to the police if you feel up to it.
That said, being more aware that there are unfortunately many men out there that shit on your boundaries is a good thing. It's good to be absolutely hypervigilant about whether a man you talk to respects your boundaries or not.
The thing is, being firmer with your boundaries means to walk away the minute a man doesn't respect the littlest of them. If you say no to something, the only acceptable answer is "ok" and not bring it up again.
E.g. when you said you don't want to do it in the car, and he started arguing about it ... that is the minute you walk away (if you can do so safely). I'm pretty sure there have been some smaller boundary violations before that already, and when you already walk away the first time you say no to something and he starts a discussion about your boundaries, the chances that you end up in a car with a rapist are a lot smaller.
I'm really sorry that happened to you. Please don't hesitate to reach out to a help line for support.
This isn’t bad at sex. This is a horrible human taking advantage of someone. Yes, tell him. Then tell all of his friends what he did, and how fast he finished. Tell every girl that you know what happened. Heck, tell the police what happened. He deserves to be miserable for what he did. Expose him.
I would publicly shame him by printing out this post and putting at all over town with his picture. I would find his family through Facebook and send it to them. I would do this after going to the hospital to get some proof of the damage he did to your vagina, because hun, this is not just being bad at sex, this is assault. It would be good to get some sort of record of what happened. If I were you, I wouldn’t expect to get any money from this piece of shit. I’m so sorry you went through this.
OP, get someone to talk to about this. A therapist or other trusted person that you can talk through your experience and how you feel about it. I was traumatized by similar stuff, and you feeling angry and stupid and ashamed for HIS actions implies to me that you might be feeling a traumatized, too. Having someone who can help you process this and support you and remind you that HIS actions don't make you less of a person will be key in helping you move on. During that process, you should be able to figure out if you want to tell this guy anything. The only reason to contact him again would be if it would make you feel better in some way. He obviously will gain no benefit from anything you would tell him. He has shown you that he doesn't care.
Personally, i would tell him.
He did several things that made you very uncomfortable and it seems like he didnt care about your experience at all
You can tell him that even tho you told him its your first time he didnt took it into consideration, making your first time a very uncomfortable experience.
It was your first time and you wanted a safer placer than a car,he didnt listen and did what he wanted, because didnt care about how you felt
the act itself shows even more that he didnt care.
refusing safe sex even after you asked him multiple times is really fucked up
If there was reason to believe he was a decent but dumb guy that didn't realize how inconsiderate he was, I might agree with you. This guy sounds like a fucking creep -- the kind of person that might even get off on hearing he successfully violated her boundaries. There's no point talking to him like it all went down in good faith. Fuck him. If saying anything I would just tell him he's garbage as a lover and then block him in every way possible.
This is awful. I want to reassure you that it’s not all in your head- this is a truly messed up way to treat someone. I also want to tell you not to feel alone or ashamed because literally ALL the women you know have dealt with a similar situation. Thankfully I never ran into quite such a scumbag but I have let guys break my boundaries because I wasn’t sure how to reinforce them politely or I was scared of the potential danger of reinforcing them.
You’re so young- don’t call yourself stupid or beat yourself up about it. Just be careful going forward and understand that you just had an especially terrible guy thrown at you by the world- there was no way to prepare for that type of situation without warning.
You should tell all the women you know to go nowhere near this guy.
And please, in future in a similar situation, advocate for yourself and say no. If it's not how you want, say no. Even if you said yes in the first place, if you are in pain, or even just feeling emotionally uncomfortable, STOP. You don't owe anyone sex.
I'm really sorry this happened to you. This is by no means normal.
>You should tell all the women you know to go nowhere near this guy.
Yes, please do. Whisper networks are a way to help each other avoid unsafe people. And please take good care of yourself, hun.
I'm sorry you went through this. But honestly I do not think he will care at all if you tell him. You told him repeatedly you're a virgin and need time, he did not give a fuck. He will not give a fuck in the future.
This sounds very much like rape by coercion.
You told him that you didn’t want to have sex in the car.
He didn’t ask for consent before the oral/deep throat - you said it was a surprise.
You said you wanted him to use a condom - he didn’t.
Every one of those breeches in consent were assault.
I'd be petty and condescending to the guy for the rest of his life. No because the sex was bad, but because he is a shitty guy. That sucks that he treated you like a Fleshlight. Hopefully you can laugh about this someday.
You need to lose this dude's contact information immediately. Never speak to him again. He is a bad person... He's probably bad at sex too... But, he really does not care what you think, so there's nothing to be gained by telling him that.
But seriously... This man needs to be very very gone from your life. Now.
Yeah, this is borderline assault, not just 'bad sex' (although, it definitely *was* bad sex as well). Send him a request for the money and block his number after you get tested, just in case he does have something, that way you can have the clinic/doctor tell him he's got a disease as well and definitely gave it to you.
As others have said, this guy isn’t bad at sex, he’s a bad person.
He ignored multiple boundaries you put forward. That’s a major red flag. This isn’t a case of someone not quite vibing with you, or not understanding the best way to enhance your pressure. This is a person who ignored any boundaries you did put forward and pressured you to get what he wanted.
I would stay far away from him.
If you're worried about STDs, you should be! I would make a call with your doctor to see what they suggest (I don't know the timelines regarding testing).
Good on getting plan B!
He wormed his way in and bullied you into things! It's sounding a lot like he forced you into it (you may have been wanting to do it, but you didn't want to do it there in that car with him and it sounded like you were telling him NO).
No matter how you label the encounter (just losing your virginity, a bad sexual encounter, or rape), he's a POS and you need to just write off him and "his half" of the plan b. Don't waste time telling him "how bad" he was.
You could tell him what a terrible person he was for not respecting YOU, nor your boundaries, and for forcing himself upon you when you thought you'd made it clear you didn't want it then and there. I wish you luck, and please try to respect your own boundaries by actually enforcing them! 😊
I'm really sorry he treated you so poorly and I want to assure you that it is possible to have respectful and pleasurable sex. Anything less than that is a partner you should never see again.
I think you should examine your evening. I don't think it is your fault but I do think it is likely that you will find yourself in situations with awful men again and need to learn coping strategies. Whether that means dipping at the first sign of red flags, faking a stomach ache, being firm, only doing group dates the first few times or something else. How can you do your best to weed out rapist losers like this.
I also think you need to be gentle with yourself. It's true that you can be vigilant and still have a man treat you terribly. Men's bad actions are not your fault and not a reflection of your worth or your character. Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend in the same situation.
Don’t explain anything to him, just leave him be and don’t contact him again. This person doesn’t respect your wishes and will continue to do as he wish. Sex is a beautiful & very sensuous act that should be experienced with someone who wants to please you as much as you want to please them.
Ugh yuck what a douche. Bleeding vag?? Unannounced deep throat? How awful.
My ex tried that once and I literally bit down, I have no sympathy for that shit. Don't pull that shit and I won't bite.
U did nothing wrong, he was a selfish ass.
Definitely tell him exactly how you started here; “you’re bad at sex and made my first time incredibly disappointing. Thanks for nothing, don’t contact me again.”
He fucking sucks in general. Delete number and reread your post because every paragraph about his actions is a red flag for you to take note of with the people you meet in the future.
Ignoring the fact that the was forceful and didn't listen to your boundaries, forcing you to have unprotected sex when you've asked him to put on a condom is legally considered rape. Please stay away from this person and take time to process and heal.
I would literally just ghost this guy. It sounds like he's only interested in getting himself off and making you perform like a pornstar for your first time and most likely any times after if you continue to see him. You don't mention how old you are but it sounds like this guy may be a bit older than you. Not going to start going on about that as I did the same when I was younger too.
In my experience a lot (not all) of lads up until late twenties can be like this. They're not experienced enough about sex and try and reenact all the porn they've watched. They don't consider how you will feel either through not caring or just ignorance that it's not good for you. I also wouldn't suggest rough sex for your first time (and probably a few times after that). Even if you're into it or the idea of it - but also don't feel the need to say you want it just to please a guy, he will be happy enough to be having sex at all it doesn't need to be rough.
Find someone who you care about and clearly cares about you. Not just being polite and basic courtesy but really cares about you deeply. I would have rolled my eyes at this at your age but it does make a difference.
As for bleeding after sex, that was likely your hymen breaking and it is normal after your first time.
However it is wise to get yourself checked out for STDs and please don't have sex without a condom again until you're older and in a committed relationship with BC. Pulling out is not an effective method and even at its most effectiveness young lads are unlikely to have the ability to do it well enough to minimise risk of pregnancy. I'm saying this as someone who got pregnant via pull out method.
Don't feel too bad that your first time wasn't so great, even in the best if circumstances its rarely great for most people. I would suggest waiting a while before trying again. Insist on condoms if the guy doesn't want to wear one don't do it. If you take only one thing from this make sure it is that.
This goes beyond being a bad communicator, he’s a bad guy. Certainly would recommend getting tested (which is a good practice after a new partner regardless). This is complex stuff and talking to someone to help you process could be meaningful. If you have insurance, I’d find a therapist or counselor through them. Alternatively, RAINN’s website has a list of therapists who are prepared to support folks in similar situations. It doesn’t have to be a long term thing, just a bit of self-care. I’m sorry this happened to you, OP.
He knows he's bad. It won't benefit you to tell him. But if you see him with other women, def tell them. That will give you more satisfaction than insulting him ever could.
I've heard plenty of people saying the first time is pretty disappointing (and it was for me), but this isn't that. This is sexual assault. Refusing to wear a condom after you told him to means you were not consenting. The fact that he steamrolled over your lack of consent doesn't transform it into something other than SA.
Your title asks whether you should tell him he's "bad at sex," and to that I'd say no: he's a sexual assailant, so what he needs isn't "feedback." What he *deserves* is to be punished as a sex offender, but since there's a snowball's chance of that, the bare minimum he deserves is to be blocked everywhere and shunned forever. You should also do that for your own safety, now that you know what kind of person he is.
I think he wanted you to feel that way. He didn’t care about what you wanted at all. He probably got off on hurting you. You deserve far better partners than this.
So from the sounds of it, you’re still a virgin, because that wasn’t sex, it was assault. It definitely doesn’t count. If you can tell him that he’s the literal worst at sex safely, go for it, but otherwise cut him off hard and warn everyone you know. Hopefully your real first time will be loving and great. This wasn’t it.
>I’m extremely stupid and feel gross
32M here. You're not stupid and you're not gross. You're inexperienced and you made some mistakes. The good thing is you're handling things the right way now. That's all you can do. Don't waste time beating yourself up. Instead focus on taking care of yourself and learning from this. Talk to older women (and men) in your life whose judgement and advice you trust. Dating and sex are COMPLICATED as you've just experienced firsthand, so the more insight you can get from others the fewer stumbling blocks you'll have to bump into yourself.
Best of luck to you and try not to stress about the std results. Odds are you are fine.
And he is harming women because it's normal for women to be treated like crap in porn. Men are aroused by women being harmed.
Anyone want to talk about that?
Everyone can talk about “boundaries” but unfortunately OP can’t see what or where those are. Many women have had a father who modeled physical, emotional, sexual abuse. When that model was presented during the formative years, it is very difficult to navigate new predatory situations. OP feeling violated, dirty, used at this moment does not help her to pick a less abusive partner tomorrow. This is a societal problem.
I'm sorry. I hope you will treat yourself with kindness here. Did you have some lapses in judgement last night? Yeah, you know you did. You recognize where you should have held firm to boundaries and used your voice to assert yourself. Take this as a learning experience for yourself and take time to heal and process.
This guy is a shit guy and you telling him that he sucked will do nothing but have him blow up at you and insult you. It's up to you if you want to deal with that. In my experience guys like him will not believe you when you say he is shit. He will just say you have no idea what you're talking about, and insult you.
I know it's hard, but let it go. Let him go and move on. Take care of yourself and try to do better in the future. It's all any of us can do. We are human, make mistakes, and hopefully we learn from then and make better choices next time.
What the fuck girl, either, if you like him, tell him how awful that was, just how he treated you as a human (he treated you more like an object) and see if he understands how disappointed you were, or just dump him while telling him he is an awful person.
No use judging yourself, as he was the rude one, but I would work on my boundaries if I were you.
I wanted to point out first that our is normal to bleed your first time. Your hymen broke, so it'll bleed. Sometimes, your first time can be painful, especially if you have no lube, condom or going too rough. However, his guy seems to be very selfish when it comes to sex. If you've already told a guy what makes you feel good and what doesn't, and he STILL proceeds to do nothing for you, he deserves to hear how much he sucks.
> Guy was shit and you let him be. Be firm with your boundaries...
Unless women have Wolverine claws that they can threaten men with during sex -- a weapon that the man cannot wrestle away from them and kill them with -- it is hard to not 'let him be'.
I was molested as a 5-year-old child, in my bed, by a family friend. I did "let him be" like that. Why? I wasn't old enough to have the strength to e.g. punch him in the throat.
Now, ***you reply and tell me I let myself be molested as small child***. It's logically consistent with you telling women they didn't physically overpower a larger and stronger man and they should be ashamed for it.
To summarise: If you don't reply stating exactly this and only this...
#"Yes, you let yourself be molested as small child, you should have fought off an adult"
...you should shut your mouth and refuse to talk about these issues until you talk in good faith. Cut and paste that to show how firm you are in your resolve to be pathetic, unhelpful, unkind and ignorant.
*Edit: Thank you for choosing not to reply.*
Mannnnn I'm sorry you went thru that. People have already told you that this is a bad dude and to cut loose but let's imagine a situation where you liked a guy but he was bad in the sack, for whatever reasons maybe he ain't thick enough or he just lacks exp
You can absolutely tell them they suck at sex, but gently, with more suggestions and things they can implement. If some dude said you sucked at sex... Okay.. how do you fix that? You can't do much with that. Treat him how you wanna be told. Given he's not a dickhead like this one .
The answers are split, but what do you hope or expect to accomplish?
Whether or not this is a bad idea depends on how you know him and whether you might run into him again.
I wouldn't talk to him again for anything. If you do run into him and can't avoid it, don't tell him "you're bad at sex." Tell him "I just didn't have and fun, and I only spend time with people when I enjoy it."
As horrible as this is, it’s unfortunately not that uncommon (judging from my experiences and those of my friends). It’s a learning experience for sure. If you want to say something to him without just letting loose (which is also okay, do what you want; he sure did) you might go with something like “the chemistry is not there, and in my experience that cannot be fixed. Good day, sir.”
What an asshole. I’m sorry it all happened this way for you. I don’t think you did anything wrong here. You shouldn’t blame yourself for this jackass behavior.
>I'm tempted to tell him how shit he is, but I don’t know.
*"I know I was a virgin, but if the other night is the best I can hope for I may as well just remain celibate."*
>I also keep thinking back on last night and wished that I was firmer with boundaries.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Hindsight is 20/20, and it was your first time so you didn't know what to expect. Use this experience as a foundation for being a better advocate for yourself going forward.
Also, this goes without saying, but you need to dump the asshole if you haven't already.
No = No. you don’t have to explain anything else. Period. If for any reason you feel the need to, as others have said, walk away now. As a hetero man, I just want you to know this should NEVER happen. That’s not how it’s supposed to go, but sadly too often, this is the case for women.
I only read half of your post before FF-ing here.
Move away from this person butteredbuttons.
He is no "modern nor aware" young gentleman.
I'm sorry you went through this experience - I do hope that you do not choose to spend more time with this type of person.
This guy isn't just bad at sex, he's bad at being a human being. Jesus. He brushed aside every single concern you had, coerced and pressured you into things far quicker than you were comfortable with and beyond the threshold that you wanted to keep things at. You need to run far away from this person because he is 100% rapey.
I’m so sorry, although sad it’s probably to be expected from young guys like that. Plan B probably unnecessary and I know it’s expensive in the US. I know you were hoping for something special, but it never is so don’t feel bad about that.
Absolutely. Tell him he's terrible at sex, basically assaulted you, and is a giant POS.
So many of us have experienced this sort of thing so those questions at the end are so upsetting to read. This was not your fault. Decent people don't put others in these situations and it took me over a decade to realise that for myself because we always tell ourselves "What if I had done X or Y?"
If you're really interested in getting half the plan b money back I'd wait to tell him he's bad at sex. You know him more that we do, if you think he'd be aggressive in any way I'd also consider not telling him.
Main thing I came to say is that sadly we don't always stand as firm to our convictions in the moment everytime. This is not something you should feel great shame about. You did tell him your boundaries and he crossed them. That makes him an asshole. You may want recognize the qualities in him that could have been red flags and tag them for future reference but that's about it. There is a lot of men who will be bad at sex... They mostly only care about their needs. That being said there are great men out there, that will pleasure you. I feel like rough sex is something we're told/conditioned to like. That doesn't mean it's actually fun. Try to figure out what makes you feel sexy and cum. Then find a partner that listens and can/will give it to you. If they're inconsiderate the first time they will be 95% likely to stay that way.
go get tested at a clinic for stds, and never see that dude again. he sounds like a shit bag, who sexually assaulted you. you said no, set boundaries, and made it clear you were uncomfortable and he openly ignored it. i'm sorry that was ypur first experience and i hope he rots in the depths of hell
This was a *hair's breadth* away from rape.
I can hear it now: "I told you to wear a condom but you kept going"
Him: "But but you *let* me keep going so you totally have no right to be upset. If you wanted me to stop you should have physically stopped me despite not unfounded fears that I might force you anyway, or respond with hostility"
This encounter was an entirely damning signal of his complete lack of character. Maybe he'll grow out of this juvenile beliggerence and lack of empathy, but he's certainly going to subject more women to similar bullshit and pain... You shouldn't be there for any of it.
That’s exactly how i felt haha. I was extremely nervous and already felt uncomfortable but it’s kinda hard when he’s pushing you into a corner and keep “reassuring” you that it’s fine and not bothering listening to you anyway. we were near a an empty church and idk i just kinda let it happen? like the words were stuck in my throat, and it was already over before i could process anything
Its a very difficult balancing act, I understand.
What even *genuinely nice men* often don't realize is that most men are inherently mortal threats to most women. It's something men have to *know, acknowledge, and actively back away from* in order to make sure someone isn't just "going along" due to this unspoken anxiety.
I was trying to give the *barest* benefit of the doubt as OP didn't characterize it as such, but frames it as tho they "went along with it"...
However, I believe men need be educated about the very real implicit threat they represent to a vulnerable woman just by the weight of the *not uncommon* actions of other men*, which can inadvertently intimidate and add an element of coercion.
I also think some "nice guys" know it too (maybe this guy) and rely on that implicit threat to make women pliable.... And at that stage I will say it's unambiguously coercion/rape.
Basically.... If you are asking someone to do something and a person behind you is pointing a gun at them.... It *very much matters if you know about that gun*.
If OP's "boyfriend" knew about the gun, he's a rapist. If he didn't, he's not, just an asshole.
Honey, this isn't bad at sex. This is assault. He won't care about anything you have to say, he got what he wanted. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and you did nothing wrong. I would highly recommend getting an STD test, and block his number. I know you (fairly) want to be reimbursed for the Plan B, but I highly doubt he would.
please know that you are not stupid. this sounds extremely similar to experiences i’ve had, and i want you to know that you don’t owe this man ANYTHING. he’s a loser and he doesn’t respect you. i’m sorry you had to go through that.
my advice is to cut off contact with this weirdo completely. you don’t have to, but if you want to say anything to him it should be along the lines of how he should pay for the ENTIRE plan b, as you repeatedly asked him to wear a condom but he refused. that’s on him and he should pay. also inform him if he doesn’t want to be outed as the rapist he is, maybe he should learn a thing or two about boundaries and learn that he can’t just treat a women like a sex toy.
i’d also make an appointment with your OB or doctor to get STD testing just in case. i hope you heal from this
You never should have gotten into that back seat. He wanted sex and didn’t care how it made you feel. He took nothing you said into consideration. I would dump him if you do ever hear from him again.
Borderline rape. Tell him he was worse at sex than you could even have imagined possible, that everybody needs to know how useless he is, and then block & ghost him. At least you will have caused him a fitting amount of worry.
It doesn't matter whether or not this guy is bad at sex. He is a bad person. Run far away. He pressured you into doing things you didn't want, he refused to wear a condom even though you said that was a requirement -- he's a loser. He doesn't value you as a person or even as a sex partner. I'm so sorry your first time was like this. You deserved much better. If you must say something, how about: "You didn't respect my boundaries or me as a person, you refused to wear a condom, I hope you never treat another woman this badly again." Then block him on every form of contact and move on. If this experience makes you more worried and more careful around men... well, unfortunately, women *do* need to be wary and cautious around men.
"Bad at sex" would be things like being clumsy when touching you, thrusting too roughly, rushing through foreplay, etc. Perfectly reasonable people can be bad at the physical mechanics of sex, and often can learn to be better. What OP is describing is issues with consent and respect, the guy just wanting to have sex regardless of if she wanted it or would enjoy it, that's generally not worth bothering to fix.
I've been in OPs shoes. Sometimes things happen so fast and we give the benefit of the doubt, even to people who don't deserve it (not that we realise at the time). The guy is bad person. Do NOT let him near you again. Now that's said let's focus on you. If you ever feel uncomfortable again, what I advise is say you are DYING to use the toilet and you are going to pee/poop your pants. Doesn't matter if you gross him out because good guys know women poop. Insist you have to find a toilet. Get out of the situation, be in the toilet and calm yourself dowh. have your phone, call an Uber or a taxi. Text a friend. Wait for transport and leave. You can always message the guy and say you were ill. The toilet thing buys you time to gather your thoughts. Sometimes we freeze and don't know how to get out of a situation. Here's your out. Commit it to memory.
Guy this stupid does not understand big words like boundaries or long sentences and does not give a flying about respect so "you're really bad at sex (leave me alone)" would be my choice of wording and please definitely let him know. And don't be ashamed, how could you have known he'd be like this? Expecting normal interaction, like listening to your partner, is not shameful.
I think I agree with this sentiment. He's not going to care that he disrespected boundaries, so he's going to brush off any of that. However, telling him he's a terrible sexual partner might actually bother him.
Personally, I’d be hesitant to say something like that that would actually bother someone who I already know isn’t great with boundaries.
It's still worth saying tho, imo. Lots of people who don't respect boundaries still don't like the idea of being perceived as shitty. Maybe he'll rationalize it to himself/OP, gas light, etc, but it might penetrate. I've known many sort of lousy people who still manage to be mostly decent *largely because they don't want to be perceived/perceive themselves as a "bad person"* Not everyone intrinsically is empathetic and directly cares about other people's feelings.... But most people are self-conscious of other people's opinions of them.
Definitely still worth saying! He needs to be called out, no matter the choice of words. It really comes down to what OP is comfortable with. I personally would probably tell him he sucks at boundaries and sex.
It doesn’t need to even that complicated. Apparently you’re not smart enough to understand the word ‘no’, I don’t see any point in spending any time with you again.
I'd replace "loser" by "rapist".
Couldn't agree more. I would definitely say something to him about not respecting your boundaries because he needs to know that. I'm sorry this happened to you. You aren't alone. Just know this. Unfortunately many women have had similar experiences.
A lot of my experiences in my 20s were like this. 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
This is the way^
I stopped reading at “went straight to making me suck him off”. You don’t need to tell him anything, he knows and doesn’t care. Or he knows and will gaslight the shit out of you.
Yeah it was pretty clear he's just a POS right then and there.
I stopped reading at the same point. I was going to say… this guy doesn’t even care. He’s a shit person.
It got way worse…
The sentence before that is also describing a horror show
Yeah 100% this wet piece of toast probs views and is using them as a living flesh light.
Sounds like it's not about him being bad at sex but just being a shit person in general. He obviously just didn't give a rat's ass about you at all. I really hope you don't have plans to see him again.
I'm sorry that your first time was so awful! Usually the first time is awkward - and the first time with a new partner can also be awkward. I'd go ahead and get an appointment to get yourself tested for STD's and never talk to this guy again. I wouldn't bother telling him that he was "bad" because that's just going to make him defensive and probably start a fight.
I know it’s better not to tell him but I’d be petty af especially if he hasn’t paid (or maybe will not pay) for plan b. Like thanks for making me pretty much pay for less than a minute and without an orgasm. But I wouldn’t have this attitude years ago to be honest. Also it would be good to learn how to say no better even if someone insists and if you don’t feel safe to say no maybe an excuse like x was going to call and I’m worried about her or oh I didn’t tell my roommates/parents I was going out and they are expecting help with this etc. Also, it sucks that your first time was like this and that he didn’t listen to you or give you pleasure as well.
>Also it would be good to learn how to say no better even if someone insists and if you don’t feel safe It does really suck that this is practical advice for women and that that guy who committed sexual assault (not listening is one thing, not using a condom despite clear instructions is sexual assault) is probably never going to learn to listen to no.
>Another thing that seriously bothered me was that I did tell him multiple times that he should wear a condom and that I'm not on any birth control, but he quite literally brushed it aside and kept reassuring me and continuing on like it was nothing important. That is sexual assault OP. I am really sorry this happened, I would not even contact him to tell him anything of the sort.
I would take it further. If he is acquainted with other female friends of yours, and you think there's any possibility that they might go out with him, you can simply tell them straight out what to expect from him. This is not something you should really keep to yourself, regardless of how embarrassed you might feel.
OP, what this man did sounds more like SA than it does bad sex. He pressured you and disregarded your boundaries, he continued to engage in acts you did not consent to.
Second this. I’m a guy and while there’s certainly the awkward, clumsy and short stamina that comes with early/young sex, that’s no excuse for what he did. OP said wait, go slow, no now *AND USE A CONDOM* and he did none of those things. That was rape. Get tested, Plan B, and slap him into next week if you don’t press charges.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Doesn't it take weeks or months for a detectable viral or bacterial load to show up? OP can't get tested right now, she has to wait a while.
Depends on the sti
Both. She should get tested now and then again in a couple of weeks, and then again after \~3 months.
You’re describing rape.
You should block the shit out of him after writing: "I didn't consent to condomless sex, which makes you a creep. Going forward, try to take consent into consideration and quit assaulting girls".
>>You should block the shit out of him after writing: >>"I didn't consent to condomless sex, which makes you a ~~creep~~ ***rapist***. Going forward, ~~try to~~ take consent into consideration and quit ***sexually*** assaulting girls".
Unless he knows personal information about her, such as job and residence. In which case she could be at high risk.
I hope that isn't the case! Either way, I'd cut off communication.
>Another thing that seriously bothered me was that I did tell him multiple times that he should wear a condom and that I'm not on any birth control, but he quite literally brushed it aside and kept reassuring me and continuing on like it was nothing important. That's not 'being bad at sex', that's [committing an assault](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-consensual_condom_removal). Fixing this person is an unwinnable fight, do not engage in it. If you are in a place where a non-consensual lack of condom usage is on the books as a crime, you may consider pressing charges against him for SA.
I wouldn’t tell him. I also wouldn’t ever talk to him again. Block him, and write off the cost of the Plan B as a learning expense. He honestly sounds rather unhinged.
OP this really sounds like SA. He continued to do things you explicitly told him you didn't want. He didn't care and did them or coerced you into doing them. Never see him again. Block him and get tested. Be safe
This wasn’t bad sex. This was sexual assault, OP. I’m not sure of the age demographic here, but as a 34 year old, I feel like I have some good hindsight. This wasn’t bad sex. Please hear me when I tell you: do not base your future sex life on this. Do not accept this as normal. Do not expect this. Do not excuse this. Consensual sex is fun and safe. This was not that. I’m so sorry. ❤️
I am absolutely horrified by this. Left bleeding? He ignored you completely and did all this without a condom or anything? Pressured a virgin?? Even you thinking you could have rough sex your FIRST time. Honey no. That's so toxic that you'd even think that. For context, I lost my v with my HS boyfriend of a couple years. I was barely 17, same with him. It took months of negotiations, lots of talking and exploration, and condoms always because neither of us were interested in ruining our lives. He was kind and gentle and never pressured me. It was comfortable and we shared in the awkwardness. I have awesome memories of that, and it was in a car! It's not hard for a TEENAGE BOY to figure out how to properly treat a female body during this intimate moment. You're telling me this grown man ignored all available evidence and.... basically assaulted you? This makes my heart cry because it just should not be this way. Is this because of porn?? Porn and the fact that men see us as sex objects far too often? I don't even know what to recommend here.... but I do know that you need to get tested and speak to some SA resource. Never speak to this man again. You don't need to tell him anything.
I wouldn’t tell him and honestly I wouldn’t talk to him in the future because he did a lot of things without your consent :( He clearly does not value communication so you don’t need to communicate a performance rating to him! Pressuring you into doing things you don’t want (having sex in the car, making you deep throat, and not wearing a condom) and then doing unexpected things that should be talked about beforehand (finishing on you) is so terrible and not something any good partner would do.
I wouldn't see him again if I were you.
Do not ever talk to him again. He is a boundary ignoring asshole. This reads more as SA than bad sex. He didn’t care about you at all, only getting his dick wet. He didn’t even care that he could get your pregnant! Red flag after red flag. This isn’t fixable.
I’m not going to add what everyone else has already said: this guy is not worth 1 more second of your time and telling him would just be adding to that. What I want to say is: At any moment during, when he was being rough with you, when he made you do and continue oral when you didn’t expect or enjoy it—you have the ability to stop. You can tell your partner to slow down, to switch things up, that you need a breather, and tell them you’re not enjoying it. You have the ability to take control, and a good partner—particularly one who knows you’re less experienced—would WANT you to be in control. Same goes with condoms and bc. It is YOUR choice. You don’t have to let him brush you aside. Any partner who doesn’t think of STD and pregnancy concerns for THEMSELVES will absolutely not think about your feelings or considerations. Please be your own advocate! Advocate for yourself and your pleasure.
I’m sure you mean well but this is just not true. Sometimes a man cares so little about what you want that he just won’t stop, and the more you fight the harder it is to deal with. Sometimes going along with it feels like the safest option. Telling OP she had a choice is telling her it’s her fault he did this.
My advice was general and meant for a virgin/newbie to sex like OP, and some things are for her to consider before the act of sex (like condoms and birth control). My response is obviously not applicable when it comes to rape, which OP did not indicate she felt was her experience. I’m telling her she has choices about what she wants when when approaching a sexual encounter, not that she has control of someone else. Edited to add: I’m not victim blaming, since OP has not said she feels victimized. I have concerns for her and want her to empower herself in her next experiences. You obviously interpret the post as rape, but I will leave that for OP to define that for herself. She has not said she was assaulted. I want women to advocate for themselves whenever possible and not just be a passive party when it comes to sex.
If you're going to tell him, don't have expectations for his response. Tell him for the act of telling him. Tell him for the sake of standing up for yourself. But don't tell him hoping for an apology or better behavior in the future. Like others have said, drop this guy whether you tell him or not. I'm sorry your first time was so bad in so many different ways. You can *always* insist on using condoms, no condom no sex. It's worth it for the peace of mind.
Don’t even need to read the post. Yes. Editing after reading: Okay, yikes. Woah. I would go as far as to say this guy SA’d you. Coerced you into sex in a location you were uncomfortable in, forced you to perform rough oral, refused to wear a condom, and then did no foreplay to the point that you *bled*. You should have gotten out of there the second he tried to coerce you to have sex in the car. That’s a crime, public indecency, and where I live it’s a felony and sex offender registry addition immediately. I’m so sorry this is how your first time went. Don’t ever contact him again and block him on everything. If he tries to contact you inform him you don’t want to talk to him again, and if he persists call the police. This guy is a freak and is unsafe for you. Please take warm baths and avoid using scented soaps while you heal from the tearing you undoubtedly have. Be gentle to yourself. This wasn’t your fault.
This should be the top comment. Not only is this guy a rapist but he pressured OP into potentially participating in a crime herself. Go to the hospital and to the police, OP.
This is a disgusting way to behave with someone who has expressed their lack of experience. I'm out of words, but this is unbelievably uncaring, selfish and plain abhorrent behaviour on his part. Half of this sounds abusive, he was routinely ignoring your needs and boundaries. No need for further communication with him, get your plan B, get seen by a doctor for your injuries(?!) and STD tests.
If I were you I would cut all contact with him. He didn’t respect you or boundaries. He is a bad partner because having sex was about him and only him. Safe sec is non negotiable and you should consider getting plan B even though he didn’t ejaculate inside you so E men has sperm in their pre-ejaculate.
Him being bad at sex is not the issue here surely? He completely disregard your boundaries.
You need to go zero contact with this dude who ignored your request for a condom and physically harmed you for his own gratification. Nothing good will ever come from having contact with these kinds of men.
Eh he most likely doesn’t care if he’s bad at it, seems like he’s only interested in his own pleasure. I would just block him and move on. In the future you need to be more strict with boundaries. I’m sorry you had to go through that for your first time.
Sounds like he's all take and no give, probably doesn't care if he's good or not, certainly not considerate
He doesn't respect you and arguably assaulted you. If you ask for a condom he doesn't get to say no and have sex anyway. Lots of guys try this because they don't respect boundaries/women. Women tend not to hold boundaries, my guess is partly out of fear of what men will do, and men know it and abuse it. I am sorry he did this to you, you deserve better, and he doesn't deserve to hear from you ever again. Move on from him as best you can. If he cared so little about your enjoyment knowing it was your first time, imagine how little he will care going forward.
So, uh, *check notes* that man has pressured you into having sex where you were not comfortable (car), made you deepthroat him without warning (let alone consent), heard you say you wanted a condom and didn't use one, and ejaculated on you, again without warning or consent? *record screeches* That man is not merely "bad at sex", he is a rapist. This is not on you. You voiced your boundaries, he ignored and violated them, and even if you hadn't said it outright, lack of refusal is *not* consent.
this was not bad sex. this was rape. you repeatedly told him you didn't want something, and he repeatedly ignored your wishes. please never ever see this person again. do not blame yourself, and see a professional to help you process this.
It isn't really that he is bad at sex, though that is obvious, it is more that he was only concerned with getting what he wanted and used you to accomplish that. Your pleasure and well-being wasn't important to him and that is incredibly shitty. I am sorry he was such an asshole. You deserved a completely different experience not just because it was your first time having sex but because your needs and concerns are just as important as theirs everytime you have sex with someone.
This guy isn’t bad at sex. He is bad at boundaries, communication, respect and many other cherished personality traits of non-shite people. Im sorry your first experience was so awful. Run from this POS like he’s on fire
Never never consent to intercourse with someone new until he’s gotten you off first (if your body works like that). Wonderful rule of thumb. Just keep saying not yet, but you don’t have to say why. It will eliminate so many duds, and it will save you from what happened above (unless he proceeded anyway, in which case it would still be sexual assault)
He 100% heard the word virgin and took advantage. It’s clear it was all about him and not about making sure you had a decent first experience. I wouldn’t waste any more time on this piece of garbage. Go get tested for any STI/STD and I’d recommend maybe getting started on some form of birth control if you’re wanting to continue to explore with new people. I’m sorry you had such a bad first experience.
This is sexual assault. Especially since you are virgin, nice guys would go slow and constantly be asking if it is ok with you. And basically let you do what you want Vs. Him. I am sorry your first experience was like that… good job getting the Plan B. I would tell him he should have used a condom and you got forced to do oral. Seriously, he should know before doing this to other girls.
All of this speaks to a guy trying to be dominant after watching too much porn, without your consent or respecting your boundaries. Which means you were sexually assaulted as others have said. The first time with a new partner is often really awkward because you haven't learned each other's preferences and bodies yet. You're not in sync. This experience isn't that. It might take some time for you to process that this was assault. Reach out to helplines if/when you need it. I'm so sorry this happened. Please don't contact him again for your own safety.
I am sorry you had to deal with this your first time. Maybe he preyed on you for the virgin reason. This would be an awful experience for anyone let alone a first time. Like everyone else I would say don't meet him in person. I would tell him off, but though messenger of something. I wouldn't see him in person at all. Definitely get STD test because if that is how he treats you, that is how he treats everyone. Cut him off entirely. He is a disgusting POS who doesn't care about or respect you in the slightest. Obviously you need to speak out more, but that is hard for women especially it being your first time. It was an awful time because he treated you like a sex object and not a person, let alone person who's first time it it. Guys don't generally act like this and if one shows the signs you have to stop them, and asshole will keep pleading and pushing and trying to push you into doing something they know you don't want because they want it. When I was a teen I lost my virginity to anther Virgin and he was great and very sweet and everything was nice, but I have had delt with the douche bag I had to break up with because they have done things like push my head down on them. Then laugh when I get pissed. These were young guys at the time in their teens and early 20's. I have had guys try and talk me into outside sex, sex in a closet during a party, no condoms. It is fucked up and I ended up breaking up with those guys. This guy won't care how you feel after. He didn't give a shit during. I definitely wouldn't expect him to pay for half of anything. He is trash and you just need to not have anything to do with him. If you kept seeing him he would keep treating you the same and you would probably end up pregnant and he would probably tell you that you need to abort, because that is how those types of men behave. They don't care about anyone but themselves.
Find what direction he is in... AND RUN FAST AND VERY FAR AWAY IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION THIS MAN WILL BRING YOU NOTHING BUT HARM AND PAIN!
He’s a f*ck-no. Please don’t see him again. But also, don’t blame yourself for having experienced this. People don’t walk around with wearing their heart on their sleeves…or an honest yelp review on themselves as a person/sex partner. You can never know, and that’s why you either wait to get to know each other or just be a daredevil. You win some you lose some, for the latter. Oh, please do get checked for STIs. I’m rooting for you to feel better and become intimacy-savvy and happy about it one day!
Tell him he's a trash person, shit at sex then block him.
If he doesn't know that was awful then there's something wrong with his tiny mind (although I think we have already established there is). Don't bother telling him anything just don't contact him again especially because he completely ignored you about wearing protection which is borderline sexual assault if he seemingly coerced you into it. Well, get your money first, then cut him off. No reason to be ashamed of yourself, the embarrassing one is him. Regardless of what you felt on the night in terms of being firmer, you clearly are willing to stand up for yourself if you are demanding he pays half the cost when a lot of people probably wouldn't even want to face him (understandably) and just cut him off as a total loss. Either way don't beat yourself up about it, I'm sure next time you would use this experience to cut the crap before it starts. But hopefully next time you'll meet someone less shit.
Oh there’s definitely no borderline about it! Coercion is rape and this guy coerced OP into doing multiple things she didn’t want to do. OP, nothing except an enthusiastic “yes” is consent. In the future, if you don’t feel comfortable and you’re hesitant to agree to do something and the dude badgers you or sweet talks you to convince you to give in - that’s rape. Any potential partner needs to stop *immediately* when the other person is uncomfortable or hesitant. If they don’t and they beg and force you to continue, then they’re a rapist.
>I also keep thinking back on last night and wished that I was firmer with boundaries. I was already really nervous from the start, and then everything just happened so fast?? I don’t know why, I’m just so angry and stupid right now and wished I had been more careful about this whole thing. I’m so ashamed of myself I'm sorry you had such a bad experience. As others said, the problem is not that he was bad at sex. The problem is that he is a bad person. What he did to you was sexual assault as he disregarded your consent on every step of the way. It is NOT your fault! You said what you wanted or didn't want every step of the way and HE chose to ignore it. He is a rapist and my advice to you would be to cut all contact with him. That he didn't use a condom although you explicitly told him he must wear a condom is such a violation of your consent and in fact IS rape in the legal system of many countries. You can report this to the police if you feel up to it. That said, being more aware that there are unfortunately many men out there that shit on your boundaries is a good thing. It's good to be absolutely hypervigilant about whether a man you talk to respects your boundaries or not. The thing is, being firmer with your boundaries means to walk away the minute a man doesn't respect the littlest of them. If you say no to something, the only acceptable answer is "ok" and not bring it up again. E.g. when you said you don't want to do it in the car, and he started arguing about it ... that is the minute you walk away (if you can do so safely). I'm pretty sure there have been some smaller boundary violations before that already, and when you already walk away the first time you say no to something and he starts a discussion about your boundaries, the chances that you end up in a car with a rapist are a lot smaller. I'm really sorry that happened to you. Please don't hesitate to reach out to a help line for support.
This isn’t bad at sex. This is a horrible human taking advantage of someone. Yes, tell him. Then tell all of his friends what he did, and how fast he finished. Tell every girl that you know what happened. Heck, tell the police what happened. He deserves to be miserable for what he did. Expose him.
I would publicly shame him by printing out this post and putting at all over town with his picture. I would find his family through Facebook and send it to them. I would do this after going to the hospital to get some proof of the damage he did to your vagina, because hun, this is not just being bad at sex, this is assault. It would be good to get some sort of record of what happened. If I were you, I wouldn’t expect to get any money from this piece of shit. I’m so sorry you went through this.
This is not bad at sex, this is a guy who prefers rape.
OP, get someone to talk to about this. A therapist or other trusted person that you can talk through your experience and how you feel about it. I was traumatized by similar stuff, and you feeling angry and stupid and ashamed for HIS actions implies to me that you might be feeling a traumatized, too. Having someone who can help you process this and support you and remind you that HIS actions don't make you less of a person will be key in helping you move on. During that process, you should be able to figure out if you want to tell this guy anything. The only reason to contact him again would be if it would make you feel better in some way. He obviously will gain no benefit from anything you would tell him. He has shown you that he doesn't care.
Personally, i would tell him. He did several things that made you very uncomfortable and it seems like he didnt care about your experience at all You can tell him that even tho you told him its your first time he didnt took it into consideration, making your first time a very uncomfortable experience. It was your first time and you wanted a safer placer than a car,he didnt listen and did what he wanted, because didnt care about how you felt the act itself shows even more that he didnt care. refusing safe sex even after you asked him multiple times is really fucked up
If there was reason to believe he was a decent but dumb guy that didn't realize how inconsiderate he was, I might agree with you. This guy sounds like a fucking creep -- the kind of person that might even get off on hearing he successfully violated her boundaries. There's no point talking to him like it all went down in good faith. Fuck him. If saying anything I would just tell him he's garbage as a lover and then block him in every way possible.
Best thing you can do is block him with no explanation.
Dump him. Wait a little longer for someone who values you enough to care about YOUR feelings and YOUR pleasure and not just getting his dick wet.
Stay out of sex until it's with someone you trust and value
This is awful. I want to reassure you that it’s not all in your head- this is a truly messed up way to treat someone. I also want to tell you not to feel alone or ashamed because literally ALL the women you know have dealt with a similar situation. Thankfully I never ran into quite such a scumbag but I have let guys break my boundaries because I wasn’t sure how to reinforce them politely or I was scared of the potential danger of reinforcing them. You’re so young- don’t call yourself stupid or beat yourself up about it. Just be careful going forward and understand that you just had an especially terrible guy thrown at you by the world- there was no way to prepare for that type of situation without warning.
You should tell all the women you know to go nowhere near this guy. And please, in future in a similar situation, advocate for yourself and say no. If it's not how you want, say no. Even if you said yes in the first place, if you are in pain, or even just feeling emotionally uncomfortable, STOP. You don't owe anyone sex. I'm really sorry this happened to you. This is by no means normal.
>You should tell all the women you know to go nowhere near this guy. Yes, please do. Whisper networks are a way to help each other avoid unsafe people. And please take good care of yourself, hun.
I'm sorry you went through this. But honestly I do not think he will care at all if you tell him. You told him repeatedly you're a virgin and need time, he did not give a fuck. He will not give a fuck in the future.
This sounds very much like rape by coercion. You told him that you didn’t want to have sex in the car. He didn’t ask for consent before the oral/deep throat - you said it was a surprise. You said you wanted him to use a condom - he didn’t. Every one of those breeches in consent were assault.
Absolutely tell him. He sucks.
I'd be petty and condescending to the guy for the rest of his life. No because the sex was bad, but because he is a shitty guy. That sucks that he treated you like a Fleshlight. Hopefully you can laugh about this someday.
You need to lose this dude's contact information immediately. Never speak to him again. He is a bad person... He's probably bad at sex too... But, he really does not care what you think, so there's nothing to be gained by telling him that. But seriously... This man needs to be very very gone from your life. Now.
Yeah, this is borderline assault, not just 'bad sex' (although, it definitely *was* bad sex as well). Send him a request for the money and block his number after you get tested, just in case he does have something, that way you can have the clinic/doctor tell him he's got a disease as well and definitely gave it to you.
As others have said, this guy isn’t bad at sex, he’s a bad person. He ignored multiple boundaries you put forward. That’s a major red flag. This isn’t a case of someone not quite vibing with you, or not understanding the best way to enhance your pressure. This is a person who ignored any boundaries you did put forward and pressured you to get what he wanted. I would stay far away from him.
If you're worried about STDs, you should be! I would make a call with your doctor to see what they suggest (I don't know the timelines regarding testing). Good on getting plan B! He wormed his way in and bullied you into things! It's sounding a lot like he forced you into it (you may have been wanting to do it, but you didn't want to do it there in that car with him and it sounded like you were telling him NO). No matter how you label the encounter (just losing your virginity, a bad sexual encounter, or rape), he's a POS and you need to just write off him and "his half" of the plan b. Don't waste time telling him "how bad" he was. You could tell him what a terrible person he was for not respecting YOU, nor your boundaries, and for forcing himself upon you when you thought you'd made it clear you didn't want it then and there. I wish you luck, and please try to respect your own boundaries by actually enforcing them! 😊
He is an absolute asshole, selfish, and who thinks porn is real life. Go, don't turn back.
I'm really sorry he treated you so poorly and I want to assure you that it is possible to have respectful and pleasurable sex. Anything less than that is a partner you should never see again. I think you should examine your evening. I don't think it is your fault but I do think it is likely that you will find yourself in situations with awful men again and need to learn coping strategies. Whether that means dipping at the first sign of red flags, faking a stomach ache, being firm, only doing group dates the first few times or something else. How can you do your best to weed out rapist losers like this. I also think you need to be gentle with yourself. It's true that you can be vigilant and still have a man treat you terribly. Men's bad actions are not your fault and not a reflection of your worth or your character. Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend in the same situation.
Don’t explain anything to him, just leave him be and don’t contact him again. This person doesn’t respect your wishes and will continue to do as he wish. Sex is a beautiful & very sensuous act that should be experienced with someone who wants to please you as much as you want to please them.
Ugh yuck what a douche. Bleeding vag?? Unannounced deep throat? How awful. My ex tried that once and I literally bit down, I have no sympathy for that shit. Don't pull that shit and I won't bite. U did nothing wrong, he was a selfish ass.
Definitely tell him exactly how you started here; “you’re bad at sex and made my first time incredibly disappointing. Thanks for nothing, don’t contact me again.”
He fucking sucks in general. Delete number and reread your post because every paragraph about his actions is a red flag for you to take note of with the people you meet in the future.
He sounds like a total horrible person, be safe!!
Ignoring the fact that the was forceful and didn't listen to your boundaries, forcing you to have unprotected sex when you've asked him to put on a condom is legally considered rape. Please stay away from this person and take time to process and heal.
I would literally just ghost this guy. It sounds like he's only interested in getting himself off and making you perform like a pornstar for your first time and most likely any times after if you continue to see him. You don't mention how old you are but it sounds like this guy may be a bit older than you. Not going to start going on about that as I did the same when I was younger too. In my experience a lot (not all) of lads up until late twenties can be like this. They're not experienced enough about sex and try and reenact all the porn they've watched. They don't consider how you will feel either through not caring or just ignorance that it's not good for you. I also wouldn't suggest rough sex for your first time (and probably a few times after that). Even if you're into it or the idea of it - but also don't feel the need to say you want it just to please a guy, he will be happy enough to be having sex at all it doesn't need to be rough. Find someone who you care about and clearly cares about you. Not just being polite and basic courtesy but really cares about you deeply. I would have rolled my eyes at this at your age but it does make a difference. As for bleeding after sex, that was likely your hymen breaking and it is normal after your first time. However it is wise to get yourself checked out for STDs and please don't have sex without a condom again until you're older and in a committed relationship with BC. Pulling out is not an effective method and even at its most effectiveness young lads are unlikely to have the ability to do it well enough to minimise risk of pregnancy. I'm saying this as someone who got pregnant via pull out method. Don't feel too bad that your first time wasn't so great, even in the best if circumstances its rarely great for most people. I would suggest waiting a while before trying again. Insist on condoms if the guy doesn't want to wear one don't do it. If you take only one thing from this make sure it is that.
yes tell him. screw his ego
This goes beyond being a bad communicator, he’s a bad guy. Certainly would recommend getting tested (which is a good practice after a new partner regardless). This is complex stuff and talking to someone to help you process could be meaningful. If you have insurance, I’d find a therapist or counselor through them. Alternatively, RAINN’s website has a list of therapists who are prepared to support folks in similar situations. It doesn’t have to be a long term thing, just a bit of self-care. I’m sorry this happened to you, OP.
Don't bother asking his share of the Plan B purchase. Get as far away as possible.
Don't tell him shit. Cut this guy off, don't blame yourself, try to forget about this experience, and move on to better relationships.
He knows he's bad. It won't benefit you to tell him. But if you see him with other women, def tell them. That will give you more satisfaction than insulting him ever could.
Saying he's bad at sex will just have him flip it on you since he knows you were a virgin and he'll say you have no idea 'what is good sex'.
I've heard plenty of people saying the first time is pretty disappointing (and it was for me), but this isn't that. This is sexual assault. Refusing to wear a condom after you told him to means you were not consenting. The fact that he steamrolled over your lack of consent doesn't transform it into something other than SA. Your title asks whether you should tell him he's "bad at sex," and to that I'd say no: he's a sexual assailant, so what he needs isn't "feedback." What he *deserves* is to be punished as a sex offender, but since there's a snowball's chance of that, the bare minimum he deserves is to be blocked everywhere and shunned forever. You should also do that for your own safety, now that you know what kind of person he is.
do not see this man again.
I think he wanted you to feel that way. He didn’t care about what you wanted at all. He probably got off on hurting you. You deserve far better partners than this.
So from the sounds of it, you’re still a virgin, because that wasn’t sex, it was assault. It definitely doesn’t count. If you can tell him that he’s the literal worst at sex safely, go for it, but otherwise cut him off hard and warn everyone you know. Hopefully your real first time will be loving and great. This wasn’t it.
Some inexperienced immature guys think that porn is what normal sex looks like. Sounds like a dud, move on
>I’m extremely stupid and feel gross 32M here. You're not stupid and you're not gross. You're inexperienced and you made some mistakes. The good thing is you're handling things the right way now. That's all you can do. Don't waste time beating yourself up. Instead focus on taking care of yourself and learning from this. Talk to older women (and men) in your life whose judgement and advice you trust. Dating and sex are COMPLICATED as you've just experienced firsthand, so the more insight you can get from others the fewer stumbling blocks you'll have to bump into yourself. Best of luck to you and try not to stress about the std results. Odds are you are fine.
Yes, he's just terrible at sex. He probably learned it from watching too much porn.
It’s a bit more than terrible at sex - he’s bumping up against the label of rapist with his total disregard of her boundaries!
Agree
And he is harming women because it's normal for women to be treated like crap in porn. Men are aroused by women being harmed. Anyone want to talk about that?
Please educate yourself about consent. Maybe their is a class you can take.
Everyone can talk about “boundaries” but unfortunately OP can’t see what or where those are. Many women have had a father who modeled physical, emotional, sexual abuse. When that model was presented during the formative years, it is very difficult to navigate new predatory situations. OP feeling violated, dirty, used at this moment does not help her to pick a less abusive partner tomorrow. This is a societal problem.
I'm sorry. I hope you will treat yourself with kindness here. Did you have some lapses in judgement last night? Yeah, you know you did. You recognize where you should have held firm to boundaries and used your voice to assert yourself. Take this as a learning experience for yourself and take time to heal and process. This guy is a shit guy and you telling him that he sucked will do nothing but have him blow up at you and insult you. It's up to you if you want to deal with that. In my experience guys like him will not believe you when you say he is shit. He will just say you have no idea what you're talking about, and insult you. I know it's hard, but let it go. Let him go and move on. Take care of yourself and try to do better in the future. It's all any of us can do. We are human, make mistakes, and hopefully we learn from then and make better choices next time.
What the fuck girl, either, if you like him, tell him how awful that was, just how he treated you as a human (he treated you more like an object) and see if he understands how disappointed you were, or just dump him while telling him he is an awful person. No use judging yourself, as he was the rude one, but I would work on my boundaries if I were you.
I wanted to point out first that our is normal to bleed your first time. Your hymen broke, so it'll bleed. Sometimes, your first time can be painful, especially if you have no lube, condom or going too rough. However, his guy seems to be very selfish when it comes to sex. If you've already told a guy what makes you feel good and what doesn't, and he STILL proceeds to do nothing for you, he deserves to hear how much he sucks.
No more hymen myths, please, for fuck’s sake.
It's not a myth..? Some people don't have them, but when they do they break and bleed.
Guy was shit and you let him be. Be firm with your boundaries otherwise you'll always be complaining.
> Guy was shit and you let him be. Be firm with your boundaries... Unless women have Wolverine claws that they can threaten men with during sex -- a weapon that the man cannot wrestle away from them and kill them with -- it is hard to not 'let him be'. I was molested as a 5-year-old child, in my bed, by a family friend. I did "let him be" like that. Why? I wasn't old enough to have the strength to e.g. punch him in the throat. Now, ***you reply and tell me I let myself be molested as small child***. It's logically consistent with you telling women they didn't physically overpower a larger and stronger man and they should be ashamed for it. To summarise: If you don't reply stating exactly this and only this... #"Yes, you let yourself be molested as small child, you should have fought off an adult" ...you should shut your mouth and refuse to talk about these issues until you talk in good faith. Cut and paste that to show how firm you are in your resolve to be pathetic, unhelpful, unkind and ignorant. *Edit: Thank you for choosing not to reply.*
Mannnnn I'm sorry you went thru that. People have already told you that this is a bad dude and to cut loose but let's imagine a situation where you liked a guy but he was bad in the sack, for whatever reasons maybe he ain't thick enough or he just lacks exp You can absolutely tell them they suck at sex, but gently, with more suggestions and things they can implement. If some dude said you sucked at sex... Okay.. how do you fix that? You can't do much with that. Treat him how you wanna be told. Given he's not a dickhead like this one .
Only read the title, answer is yes. Edit: wanted to add that you should do so from a safe distance and space.
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The answers are split, but what do you hope or expect to accomplish? Whether or not this is a bad idea depends on how you know him and whether you might run into him again.
I wouldn't talk to him again for anything. If you do run into him and can't avoid it, don't tell him "you're bad at sex." Tell him "I just didn't have and fun, and I only spend time with people when I enjoy it."
As horrible as this is, it’s unfortunately not that uncommon (judging from my experiences and those of my friends). It’s a learning experience for sure. If you want to say something to him without just letting loose (which is also okay, do what you want; he sure did) you might go with something like “the chemistry is not there, and in my experience that cannot be fixed. Good day, sir.”
Yes.
What an asshole. I’m sorry it all happened this way for you. I don’t think you did anything wrong here. You shouldn’t blame yourself for this jackass behavior.
This guy is a complete ass! Just ghost him and never see or speak to him again! Gross!
>I'm tempted to tell him how shit he is, but I don’t know. *"I know I was a virgin, but if the other night is the best I can hope for I may as well just remain celibate."* >I also keep thinking back on last night and wished that I was firmer with boundaries. Don't be too hard on yourself. Hindsight is 20/20, and it was your first time so you didn't know what to expect. Use this experience as a foundation for being a better advocate for yourself going forward. Also, this goes without saying, but you need to dump the asshole if you haven't already.
Yes
No = No. you don’t have to explain anything else. Period. If for any reason you feel the need to, as others have said, walk away now. As a hetero man, I just want you to know this should NEVER happen. That’s not how it’s supposed to go, but sadly too often, this is the case for women.
I only read half of your post before FF-ing here. Move away from this person butteredbuttons. He is no "modern nor aware" young gentleman. I'm sorry you went through this experience - I do hope that you do not choose to spend more time with this type of person.
You poor girl :( that’s horrible. Sounds like he pushed and coerced you. It’s completely normal to not know how to react in the moment.
This guy isn't just bad at sex, he's bad at being a human being. Jesus. He brushed aside every single concern you had, coerced and pressured you into things far quicker than you were comfortable with and beyond the threshold that you wanted to keep things at. You need to run far away from this person because he is 100% rapey.
Agree with others, this isn't about being bad this is about him taking advantage and not caring about you at all.
don’t give it up so easy next time. sex is a serious and intimate act. should be taken seriously by both parties
Tell him that he's overall a piece of shit, that sex sucks with him and that you don't think he know what a women's orgasm looks like
I’m so sorry, although sad it’s probably to be expected from young guys like that. Plan B probably unnecessary and I know it’s expensive in the US. I know you were hoping for something special, but it never is so don’t feel bad about that.
Absolutely. Tell him he's terrible at sex, basically assaulted you, and is a giant POS. So many of us have experienced this sort of thing so those questions at the end are so upsetting to read. This was not your fault. Decent people don't put others in these situations and it took me over a decade to realise that for myself because we always tell ourselves "What if I had done X or Y?"
Feel free to tell him this, but don’t risk your safety to do so.
If you're really interested in getting half the plan b money back I'd wait to tell him he's bad at sex. You know him more that we do, if you think he'd be aggressive in any way I'd also consider not telling him. Main thing I came to say is that sadly we don't always stand as firm to our convictions in the moment everytime. This is not something you should feel great shame about. You did tell him your boundaries and he crossed them. That makes him an asshole. You may want recognize the qualities in him that could have been red flags and tag them for future reference but that's about it. There is a lot of men who will be bad at sex... They mostly only care about their needs. That being said there are great men out there, that will pleasure you. I feel like rough sex is something we're told/conditioned to like. That doesn't mean it's actually fun. Try to figure out what makes you feel sexy and cum. Then find a partner that listens and can/will give it to you. If they're inconsiderate the first time they will be 95% likely to stay that way.
go get tested at a clinic for stds, and never see that dude again. he sounds like a shit bag, who sexually assaulted you. you said no, set boundaries, and made it clear you were uncomfortable and he openly ignored it. i'm sorry that was ypur first experience and i hope he rots in the depths of hell
This was a *hair's breadth* away from rape. I can hear it now: "I told you to wear a condom but you kept going" Him: "But but you *let* me keep going so you totally have no right to be upset. If you wanted me to stop you should have physically stopped me despite not unfounded fears that I might force you anyway, or respond with hostility" This encounter was an entirely damning signal of his complete lack of character. Maybe he'll grow out of this juvenile beliggerence and lack of empathy, but he's certainly going to subject more women to similar bullshit and pain... You shouldn't be there for any of it.
That’s exactly how i felt haha. I was extremely nervous and already felt uncomfortable but it’s kinda hard when he’s pushing you into a corner and keep “reassuring” you that it’s fine and not bothering listening to you anyway. we were near a an empty church and idk i just kinda let it happen? like the words were stuck in my throat, and it was already over before i could process anything
Its a very difficult balancing act, I understand. What even *genuinely nice men* often don't realize is that most men are inherently mortal threats to most women. It's something men have to *know, acknowledge, and actively back away from* in order to make sure someone isn't just "going along" due to this unspoken anxiety.
This isn't a hairs breadth away from rape, this *is* rape
I was trying to give the *barest* benefit of the doubt as OP didn't characterize it as such, but frames it as tho they "went along with it"... However, I believe men need be educated about the very real implicit threat they represent to a vulnerable woman just by the weight of the *not uncommon* actions of other men*, which can inadvertently intimidate and add an element of coercion. I also think some "nice guys" know it too (maybe this guy) and rely on that implicit threat to make women pliable.... And at that stage I will say it's unambiguously coercion/rape. Basically.... If you are asking someone to do something and a person behind you is pointing a gun at them.... It *very much matters if you know about that gun*. If OP's "boyfriend" knew about the gun, he's a rapist. If he didn't, he's not, just an asshole.
Honey, this isn't bad at sex. This is assault. He won't care about anything you have to say, he got what he wanted. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and you did nothing wrong. I would highly recommend getting an STD test, and block his number. I know you (fairly) want to be reimbursed for the Plan B, but I highly doubt he would.
That’s not “bad sex”, it’s assault. I’m sorry this happened to you.
please know that you are not stupid. this sounds extremely similar to experiences i’ve had, and i want you to know that you don’t owe this man ANYTHING. he’s a loser and he doesn’t respect you. i’m sorry you had to go through that. my advice is to cut off contact with this weirdo completely. you don’t have to, but if you want to say anything to him it should be along the lines of how he should pay for the ENTIRE plan b, as you repeatedly asked him to wear a condom but he refused. that’s on him and he should pay. also inform him if he doesn’t want to be outed as the rapist he is, maybe he should learn a thing or two about boundaries and learn that he can’t just treat a women like a sex toy. i’d also make an appointment with your OB or doctor to get STD testing just in case. i hope you heal from this
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Text him and tell him he sucks at sex, he's a borderline rapist then block & go nc.
You need to get tested as well. If he coerced you into not using protection, how many other people has he done it to?
You never should have gotten into that back seat. He wanted sex and didn’t care how it made you feel. He took nothing you said into consideration. I would dump him if you do ever hear from him again.
I feel like you should never tell him a single thing ever again, other than a possible "If you don't leave I will call the police"
Borderline rape. Tell him he was worse at sex than you could even have imagined possible, that everybody needs to know how useless he is, and then block & ghost him. At least you will have caused him a fitting amount of worry.