If not, a lock on the door, depending on how bad it is and how much she may trust you guys, she may feel more secure being able to do that
A basket of snacks, water bottles, a notebook & pens, maybe some adult colouring books, crayons, puzzle books, actual books. I'd avoid magazines unless she's into something like gardening or cooking, nothing that may have articles that could upset her. Just think mind distracting stuff. Things she can do in there/eat in there if she isn't feeling up to peopling. If you have a TV in there, a note with the wifi password. Try and think of things that can make it as much her space as possible.
Couple random things, some nice candles (think spa, just clean scents, relaxing stuff) and maybe a super comfy blanket
You guys are lovely for doing this for her!
Oh.....ETA, some fresh flowers! They always make me feel better walking into a room with them
I always appreciate when friends I’m visiting have that, sometimes you wake up at weird times and don’t wanna root through the kitchen, just having some granola bars is great
Also lay out the coffee stuff (and tea) near the coffee maker in the morning, so if she’s up early she can make that for herself (I hate rooting through peoples cupboard to find that stuff)
I'd be cautious about flowers. Abusers often cycle to love-bombing between periods of abuse, and this often includes sending flowers, so flowers could have negative connotations for her right now.
If you are buying a lock on the door, maybe you could wait and open/install it in front of her so she doesn't have to worry that you have a spare key hidden somewhere? (It might be too late for this, but just in case somebody else is reading and in a similar situation.)
Abused folks frequently have a habit of minimizing their presence and apologizing excessively. Be prepared for that.
Be inclusive. Actions speak louder than words and when you include someone in your house, they feel like their presence is wanted and valued.
Depending on how severe the abuse was.... have you ever been around an abused animal? They have SEVERE trust issues. Don't take that personally.
This is really important!!!! Not just making her included and welcome but giving her space to be unobtrusive if that’s how she feels safest. Don’t just say “eat whatever you want from the fridge.” Instead say “we have eggs, yogurt, fruit and milk in the fridge l and bread and cereal in the cabinet. We usually eat breakfast around X or just grab snacks on the way to work at Y so please feel free to join us if you want or enjoy the food whenever you prefer to eat.”
When I was escaping a dangerous situation, the person who took me in gave me a big hug, handed me a key and said "welcome home." Then she made a plate for me and a big ole glass of wine and I had dinner with her family. Just being surrounding by love as the antithesis of what I had come from immediately calmed my fears about intruding. I also had to leave without any of my belongings -- she said nothing about it but I went into "my" room and she had set out several outfits she'd bought me from Walmart. I felt so loved from these little things.
If it were me, my first thought would be full access to anything I needed to communicate with the outside world. Wi-fi password, etc. plus if I had to leave my devices behind, help securing my accounts. Abusers isolate us. Abusers sometimes give us no choice but to get out with the clothes on our backs and the wallets in our purses. And I don't put it past them to hack our shit.
If she says something reminds her of the abuser, it goes into the basement/attic for the time being.
Follow her cues for space needs. Sometimes you want to be alone, sometimes you want to know there's another human there because you can't stop looking over your shoulder for the human you dread. That said, if you can help wife/MIL by running errands instead of being the one left alone with Relative, that might be something she would welcome.
Consider whether she's arriving with fresh injuries. We keep arnica on hand for bruising.
Stupid idea, but... do you have a night light? Not a white noise machine necessarily because you can't hear people coming over the sound. But a little light in the darkness might be nice. On the same note, sleepytime tea is for when she's ready to ask for it and no sooner, on the grounds that she might need to know she's safe before she can take anything for sleep that reduces her vigilance.
And you did ask in the right place, but for future reference, don't hesitate to reach out to your local domestic violence agency/shelter for tips. They may even have resources she will want going forward.
Big ups for caring this much, and much love to her.
Extra blankets, stuff to wash clothes etc. Just all the basic needs, but like her own stash so she doesn't feel like she's intruding and using "your" stuff
This is not just to make her feel safe. This and and alarm are a really good idea got actual safety. These guys can be very persistent.
A journal and day planner are good ideas. The journal for working through thoughts and the day planner to keep records and put things to look forward to.
A personal alarm and kitty claw so she feels safer talking a walk.
A new (can be an old one from you guys ir a friend) phone to set up a new number and make sure she is not tracked.
If you don't have an alarm system get a cheap noise alarm for her window. It will help her sleep. A nightlight for the same reason.
I think you also need to consider safety for the whole household- maybe outside cameras, making sure external doors are kept locked, only very necessary people knowing where she is. Social media- her not posting location or photos or context clues of where she is. This shit can escalate really fast and you all need to stay as safe as possible
Nobody should post pictures or comments about her. Never know if a friend of a friend who has a public profile becomes a flying monkey for the abuser. As far as anyone knows only mil, husband, and wife know she's there.
To add to this, maybe a guide to where things are in the house? I know when I stay at someone else’s house I hate asking where things are or for anything really.
A lot of folks have mentioned a lot of great ideas!! One thing I'm not seeing mentioned (which is more of a consideration than something you can buy) is to be conscious of noise levels around the house- I have CPTSD and PTSD from a violent relationship and whenever I'm in any space with other people, I'm very easily triggered by loud/sudden noises. If you (or someone) is gonna put on some music, give her a heads up (find her and speak in a normal tone/not yelling) instead of just turning it on. Same thing for grinding coffee, or putting dishes away.
I was thinking the same. Slamming doors, especially cabinet doors, is very triggering for me because of both childhood and an abusive romantic relationship. Plus, in coercive control relationships, the abuser frequently behaves as if their whims are all that matter, ignoring the schedules or needs of the rest of the household (like having the TV on loud late at night when children need to sleep or taking a shower really early and waking up everyone else by having the radio on loud enough to hear over the shower, especially as a passive-aggressive way to communicate disrespect and disdain, "My work schedule is more important than your sleep schedule" & similar arguments.)
Having a quiet atmosphere helps communicate respectful boundaries and that their needs as a guest are just as important as their hosts'. As people above said, excessive apologizing, explaining, and deference are common behaviors learned to mitigate abuse, and can take a lot of time to break out of. Removing stressors and points of contention can help prevent misscommunication or resentment.
Food and privacy.
Find out what she likes to eat, especially for breakfast (and coffee/tea) and make sure it’s available ASAP. This goes a huge way to communicate comfort and that you’re not visiting, you’re home.
In your role as husband/man in the house, would really suggest you stick to the practical considerations for the first little while. If a lock to her door is an option, offer it, but maybe also say explicitly you won’t enter the guest room without her clear permission.
Limit any gifts to the practical and things shes communicates she wants or needs. You don’t know what was weaponized before in her life.
Try to keep to a daily routine as much as possible — predictably is helpful.
Finally, recognize these escapes often relapse. Don’t get too emotionally invested at first in her escape. She has to want it more than you do, but at the same time, it’s natural for her to have conflicted feelings and concerns for her ex. Extend some empathy — not agreement — if that’s the case.
I don't know how much stuff she's bringing (how much she was able to pack before leaving) but having some empty space in the room for her to set her stuff up will be nice. So many guestrooms are beautifully decorated but have nowhere to open up a suitcase or lay out toiletries etc. If there is a dresser/closet in the room, clearing out a drawer or some space in the closet would be a nice touch.
A phone charger, if you know what kind of phone she has, or just an easily accessible outlet/extension cord so she can charge her devices.
Second the suggestion of a note with the wifi network name/password.
On the personal comfort front, I think just treating her as you would any roommate is a good start. I have no personal experience with abuse, but I know abusers tend to be unpredictable and volatile with their mood changes. Making yourself/your home as predictable as possible might be a comfort. Keep the same daily routine, communicate any changes in plans (when you might be home late/up early, watching a noisy sports game, having other friends over, etc).
Be prepared for her to try to minimise/hide. She will likely find it hard to express opinions (it can be dangerous to be wrong/have differing opinions or preferences in a DV relationship). She will quite possibly jump/startle at loud noises, especially loud mens voices.
Stay calm as much as possible. Ask her fav dinner/food/tv show. She may not remember/may not know. It can be really hard learning all these seemingly simple things again.
DON"T tease her - even if it seems good hearted, just don't. She quite possibly has had abuse disguised as 'teasing' for a while, and will be very sensitive to it.
Give her space, but also invite her/include her as much as possible. Ask for her input into ideas, and be receptive to anything she offers.
Depending on the duration of the abuse, she may just want to decompress for a bit. Therapy is also a good idea - reach out to shelters for the information for when she is ready to start therapy.
For now, just do your best to be a non-threatening male
I think one thing is for all expressions of annoyance and anger to be so very calm and friendly, between *everyone* in the house.
also lock down your Facebook, etc., so there’s no accidental indicators of her presence.
Yeah, all of this. Yelling, even just speaking with a loud tone but not in anger, can be super triggering for survivors. I would even go so far as to say OP should speak softly in volume and tone at all times, at least at first. Even general loudness (think, TV on high volume, frustration at a video game, talking louder on the phone, etc) can feel dangerous when you’re hyper vigilant and possibly still in freeze mode.
Noise is a huge one, but silence can be huge as well. DV victims are often subjected to the silent treatment. Also, when things feel "too quiet" it can be a trigger.
Some tips:
* Respect her personal space as much as possible.
* Try not to raise your voice where she can hear it. A loud voice can be triggering for people who have survived abuse.
* Don't take it personally if she locks the bathroom door or the bedroom door while she's inside. A locked door may help her feel safer.
* Try not to move her things even if they're in your way. Like, if they're a safety hazard, maybe ask her about it when you get a chance. But abuse survivors often won't like their things being messed with or "going missing."
* Try not to make comments about her appearance or anything else she may be sensitive about.
Be mindful of your media if it’s in a shared space. Obviously no violent movies or shows; even the news on the radio can be stressful. It doesn’t have to be Disney, but definitely not Game Of Thrones.
If she has been living with an abuser, she's spent years being told what to do, what not to do, how to feel, where to go, what to think, etc. The most important thing you can do is respect her autonomy. Ask her what you can do to help her feel safe. Let her make decisions.
You need to prepare for the strong possibility that this guy shows up at your house. Under no circumstances should anyone let him in, and if she lets him in she has to go, because he’s a danger to all of you. It’s not a very warm or welcoming thing to lead with, but you all need to sit down and get on the same page with that.
don't post anything that could give away her location. no pictures of her, no references of her. make sure youre kind, and be patient. those who have been in abusive relationships will be more likely to be withdrawn, let her open up on her own, or if she doesn't feel safe to, dont try to force it.
likely, she will trust the women in the house more. please dont take it personally.
make yourself seem welcoming, but not overbearing. as other comments have said, give her the wifi password and perhaps a welcome basket with some things she'll appreciate.
dont treat her weird. I know when someone comes from something difficult, we want to help, and we want to do everything we can, but constantly being asked can get very annoying, and it may worry her. just make sure she knows that if she does need something, youre there to help
also to add, keep guests minimal. she's gonna have a lot of trust issues right now, and she won't want to be around many people
Locks for the guest room and guest bathroom doors. If you don't have time to install locks, you can get door wedges/stops and leave them by the doors. Make sure they are locks that only allow the door to be locked one way like, you can lock the bathroom from the inside but you can't lock the bathroom from the outside, so no one can be locked in, but someone inside could lock others out.
The wifi password. If she is coming without her electronics, a laptop/tablet/phone. Used is fine, but reset to factory settings and left alone.
A tour of the house and a verbal invitation to use the kitchen any time, and help herself to whatever food.
Maybe easy board games if she wants to interact, but maybe is too shut down to figure out how. Easy craft kits to calm her down and to relax. You're doing amazing 👏 🤩
Snacks and water in her room. I can’t tell you how many times I have starved late at night because I didn’t want to wake anyone up (even if they made it clear that they don’t mind and they never wake up).
How are they doing in terms of financial resources? Abusers tend to strip victims of any economic means.
If you're in the states, local agencies and DSS could help with the legal aspects of getting away from an abuser and/or pressing formal charges
My suggestions would be snacks/drinks for the room in case she wants to hole up, a bar of some sort to lock the window, door stops or locks for the door, if you have time, a new pillow and case and throw blanket that is just for her, and also if you have time, a burner phone. You can buy a simple pre-paid phone, set it up in your or your wife's name so she doesn't have her name attached to anything, and give her your numbers so you have a way to talk between each other that no one else would know about. Definitely second the wifi password in room, and maybe a note with where things are around the house.
Be open and ask her. Maybe she wants the bed against the wall. Maybe she wants a door lock. She is the victim of abuse, she needs to reestablish control of her life. Allowing her to dictate what makes her comfortable will help her mental health and demonstrate to her that you will follow her lead which will also be good for her mental health. Ask her if there are current triggers you can avoid. Likely just be calm and treat her normally unless she asks for something specific. Creating the space where she feels open to ask is key.
So many great suggestions, I love the welcome basket noted above! Assuming she might want to stay in for a while, you could include a "shopping list" notepad and invite her to write down her preferred snacks, groceries, toiletries, etc.
I would also want to know how the washer/dryer works, and where to find clean towels.
Don't block exits and walkways so she always has a clear path to leave the room or building if she needs it. She may not even be aware of you not blocking doorways, but she will definitely notice you being in the way if you are.
I would avoid certain tv shows and movies. Anything like Law & Order, especially SVU could be really bad. Anything with someone yelling/screaming or being caused pain could be bad. Tell her you don't want her to be uncomfortable with anything you watch, so she should feel free to ask you to mute something or change the channel, or watch whatever it is when she's not around.
Close your doors softly, let her have her space, try to keep things as 'normal' and calm as possible. Don't dote on her too much, but some comfort items like candles or comfort snacks are usually nice. Have movies or TV to watch ready, be ready to pop out for extra items she may have forgotten in the need to relocate.
Express the importance of trauma counseling. She may very well end up with ptsd due to this, and the earlier it’s addressed, the better off she’ll be.
I was once rescued. Not from a relationship, but dangerous nonetheless. I thank God for people like you.
Do not tell anyone that SHE doesn't trust where she is. If the perpetrator finds out where she is, you'll have a problem and the violence may be directed towards you too. Get security cameras around your house. Has she changed her mobile phone number? Please check all of her electronics, belongings, and car for trackers.
She needs to log out of all shared apps if she hasn't done so already. Change all her passwords.
Please put her in touch with your local DV services.
If he shows up, do not let him in, do not let HER let him in. Do not let him know where she is.
Minimize who you tell about her whereabouts.
Once he knows where she is living, he is a danger to all of you. I am sorry that this is happening, please know that no matter what happens, you are doing the correct thing.
Please have a plan for when he or if he shows up.
If you have the skill, put a lockable knob on the door of her bedroom. Being able to lock her door, will add to her feeling of safety and help her relax and sleep.
Same thing with the bathroom.
Ask her if there's anything you can do that would help her feel safe/ease this process for her if possible. Discuss the things you're planning on doing. Remember that she may act and react to things in unexpected ways, like being extra "jumpy" or not speaking much, low appetite, etc.
I had a friend stay with me for a few weeks as she was leaving an abusive situation. Two big things we did for her were agree on code words/phrases for specific situations. Like if dude showed up at her job and she needed an immediate pickup/reason to leave (to avoid awkward conversation with her boss) she'd text "Can you feed the dog?" Or if dude showed up at our house it was something like "there's a new episode of our show this week!" etc etc
The other was switching out the bedroom door knob for one that locked with a key. Gives an extra layer of security and hopefully some assurance that her space is hers, and safe.
You're getting a lot of sound advice, I just want to add that I advise all of you to not trash the abusive partner too much. When it's early on you should be hands off on that front - the victim may be inclined to defend their abuser and you do not want to open that door for them. Listen more than you speak.
Resist any and all urge to take on the tough guy role - not that you would, it just sometimes helps to hear/read it so you can be aware if it creeps up on you. Some men thinks this stuff will make a woman feel safe but your goal is to be the antithesis (I think you understand that).
Just be sure to listen more than you speak and continue to strive for understanding - not problem solving. I know my husband is always looking for the solution but with these issues there really isn't just one; even when it looks like there is. It takes time.
Complete privacy in her room. If you need her and she is inside, ask whether she prefers a text or knock or verbal call to get her attention so she isn’t startled or in a position where she has to open her space up to another person.
If not, a lock on the door, depending on how bad it is and how much she may trust you guys, she may feel more secure being able to do that A basket of snacks, water bottles, a notebook & pens, maybe some adult colouring books, crayons, puzzle books, actual books. I'd avoid magazines unless she's into something like gardening or cooking, nothing that may have articles that could upset her. Just think mind distracting stuff. Things she can do in there/eat in there if she isn't feeling up to peopling. If you have a TV in there, a note with the wifi password. Try and think of things that can make it as much her space as possible. Couple random things, some nice candles (think spa, just clean scents, relaxing stuff) and maybe a super comfy blanket You guys are lovely for doing this for her! Oh.....ETA, some fresh flowers! They always make me feel better walking into a room with them
These are really thoughtful suggestions. Especially some of the snacks and comfort layers they may be shy about asking for.
I always appreciate when friends I’m visiting have that, sometimes you wake up at weird times and don’t wanna root through the kitchen, just having some granola bars is great Also lay out the coffee stuff (and tea) near the coffee maker in the morning, so if she’s up early she can make that for herself (I hate rooting through peoples cupboard to find that stuff)
I'd be cautious about flowers. Abusers often cycle to love-bombing between periods of abuse, and this often includes sending flowers, so flowers could have negative connotations for her right now.
Maybe just something informal from the garden, like a few daisies and greenery. Not a “I’m sorry, baby, I won’t do it again “ dozen red roses.
A plant might be a comfort. Something that smells fresh without evoking guilt and abuse.
If you are buying a lock on the door, maybe you could wait and open/install it in front of her so she doesn't have to worry that you have a spare key hidden somewhere? (It might be too late for this, but just in case somebody else is reading and in a similar situation.)
Most doors cannot be opened if the key is turned in the lock. This would be enough for me personally
Oh good point, I was thinking about the ones that just have the little thing in the knob that you turn.
Abused folks frequently have a habit of minimizing their presence and apologizing excessively. Be prepared for that. Be inclusive. Actions speak louder than words and when you include someone in your house, they feel like their presence is wanted and valued. Depending on how severe the abuse was.... have you ever been around an abused animal? They have SEVERE trust issues. Don't take that personally.
This is really important!!!! Not just making her included and welcome but giving her space to be unobtrusive if that’s how she feels safest. Don’t just say “eat whatever you want from the fridge.” Instead say “we have eggs, yogurt, fruit and milk in the fridge l and bread and cereal in the cabinet. We usually eat breakfast around X or just grab snacks on the way to work at Y so please feel free to join us if you want or enjoy the food whenever you prefer to eat.”
When I was escaping a dangerous situation, the person who took me in gave me a big hug, handed me a key and said "welcome home." Then she made a plate for me and a big ole glass of wine and I had dinner with her family. Just being surrounding by love as the antithesis of what I had come from immediately calmed my fears about intruding. I also had to leave without any of my belongings -- she said nothing about it but I went into "my" room and she had set out several outfits she'd bought me from Walmart. I felt so loved from these little things.
If it were me, my first thought would be full access to anything I needed to communicate with the outside world. Wi-fi password, etc. plus if I had to leave my devices behind, help securing my accounts. Abusers isolate us. Abusers sometimes give us no choice but to get out with the clothes on our backs and the wallets in our purses. And I don't put it past them to hack our shit. If she says something reminds her of the abuser, it goes into the basement/attic for the time being. Follow her cues for space needs. Sometimes you want to be alone, sometimes you want to know there's another human there because you can't stop looking over your shoulder for the human you dread. That said, if you can help wife/MIL by running errands instead of being the one left alone with Relative, that might be something she would welcome. Consider whether she's arriving with fresh injuries. We keep arnica on hand for bruising. Stupid idea, but... do you have a night light? Not a white noise machine necessarily because you can't hear people coming over the sound. But a little light in the darkness might be nice. On the same note, sleepytime tea is for when she's ready to ask for it and no sooner, on the grounds that she might need to know she's safe before she can take anything for sleep that reduces her vigilance. And you did ask in the right place, but for future reference, don't hesitate to reach out to your local domestic violence agency/shelter for tips. They may even have resources she will want going forward. Big ups for caring this much, and much love to her.
Extra blankets, stuff to wash clothes etc. Just all the basic needs, but like her own stash so she doesn't feel like she's intruding and using "your" stuff
Security cameras, if you don’t already have them.
This is not just to make her feel safe. This and and alarm are a really good idea got actual safety. These guys can be very persistent. A journal and day planner are good ideas. The journal for working through thoughts and the day planner to keep records and put things to look forward to. A personal alarm and kitty claw so she feels safer talking a walk. A new (can be an old one from you guys ir a friend) phone to set up a new number and make sure she is not tracked. If you don't have an alarm system get a cheap noise alarm for her window. It will help her sleep. A nightlight for the same reason.
I think you also need to consider safety for the whole household- maybe outside cameras, making sure external doors are kept locked, only very necessary people knowing where she is. Social media- her not posting location or photos or context clues of where she is. This shit can escalate really fast and you all need to stay as safe as possible
Nobody should post pictures or comments about her. Never know if a friend of a friend who has a public profile becomes a flying monkey for the abuser. As far as anyone knows only mil, husband, and wife know she's there.
How about a slip of paper with your wi-fi router name and password? Practical and welcoming.
To add to this, maybe a guide to where things are in the house? I know when I stay at someone else’s house I hate asking where things are or for anything really.
A lot of folks have mentioned a lot of great ideas!! One thing I'm not seeing mentioned (which is more of a consideration than something you can buy) is to be conscious of noise levels around the house- I have CPTSD and PTSD from a violent relationship and whenever I'm in any space with other people, I'm very easily triggered by loud/sudden noises. If you (or someone) is gonna put on some music, give her a heads up (find her and speak in a normal tone/not yelling) instead of just turning it on. Same thing for grinding coffee, or putting dishes away.
Plus sudden movements. Especially if she was hit, having those sudden or quick movements that startle can cause problems too
I was thinking the same. Slamming doors, especially cabinet doors, is very triggering for me because of both childhood and an abusive romantic relationship. Plus, in coercive control relationships, the abuser frequently behaves as if their whims are all that matter, ignoring the schedules or needs of the rest of the household (like having the TV on loud late at night when children need to sleep or taking a shower really early and waking up everyone else by having the radio on loud enough to hear over the shower, especially as a passive-aggressive way to communicate disrespect and disdain, "My work schedule is more important than your sleep schedule" & similar arguments.) Having a quiet atmosphere helps communicate respectful boundaries and that their needs as a guest are just as important as their hosts'. As people above said, excessive apologizing, explaining, and deference are common behaviors learned to mitigate abuse, and can take a lot of time to break out of. Removing stressors and points of contention can help prevent misscommunication or resentment.
Food and privacy. Find out what she likes to eat, especially for breakfast (and coffee/tea) and make sure it’s available ASAP. This goes a huge way to communicate comfort and that you’re not visiting, you’re home. In your role as husband/man in the house, would really suggest you stick to the practical considerations for the first little while. If a lock to her door is an option, offer it, but maybe also say explicitly you won’t enter the guest room without her clear permission. Limit any gifts to the practical and things shes communicates she wants or needs. You don’t know what was weaponized before in her life. Try to keep to a daily routine as much as possible — predictably is helpful. Finally, recognize these escapes often relapse. Don’t get too emotionally invested at first in her escape. She has to want it more than you do, but at the same time, it’s natural for her to have conflicted feelings and concerns for her ex. Extend some empathy — not agreement — if that’s the case.
I don't know how much stuff she's bringing (how much she was able to pack before leaving) but having some empty space in the room for her to set her stuff up will be nice. So many guestrooms are beautifully decorated but have nowhere to open up a suitcase or lay out toiletries etc. If there is a dresser/closet in the room, clearing out a drawer or some space in the closet would be a nice touch. A phone charger, if you know what kind of phone she has, or just an easily accessible outlet/extension cord so she can charge her devices. Second the suggestion of a note with the wifi network name/password. On the personal comfort front, I think just treating her as you would any roommate is a good start. I have no personal experience with abuse, but I know abusers tend to be unpredictable and volatile with their mood changes. Making yourself/your home as predictable as possible might be a comfort. Keep the same daily routine, communicate any changes in plans (when you might be home late/up early, watching a noisy sports game, having other friends over, etc).
Be prepared for her to try to minimise/hide. She will likely find it hard to express opinions (it can be dangerous to be wrong/have differing opinions or preferences in a DV relationship). She will quite possibly jump/startle at loud noises, especially loud mens voices. Stay calm as much as possible. Ask her fav dinner/food/tv show. She may not remember/may not know. It can be really hard learning all these seemingly simple things again. DON"T tease her - even if it seems good hearted, just don't. She quite possibly has had abuse disguised as 'teasing' for a while, and will be very sensitive to it. Give her space, but also invite her/include her as much as possible. Ask for her input into ideas, and be receptive to anything she offers. Depending on the duration of the abuse, she may just want to decompress for a bit. Therapy is also a good idea - reach out to shelters for the information for when she is ready to start therapy. For now, just do your best to be a non-threatening male
I think one thing is for all expressions of annoyance and anger to be so very calm and friendly, between *everyone* in the house. also lock down your Facebook, etc., so there’s no accidental indicators of her presence.
Yeah, all of this. Yelling, even just speaking with a loud tone but not in anger, can be super triggering for survivors. I would even go so far as to say OP should speak softly in volume and tone at all times, at least at first. Even general loudness (think, TV on high volume, frustration at a video game, talking louder on the phone, etc) can feel dangerous when you’re hyper vigilant and possibly still in freeze mode.
Noise is a huge one, but silence can be huge as well. DV victims are often subjected to the silent treatment. Also, when things feel "too quiet" it can be a trigger.
Some tips: * Respect her personal space as much as possible. * Try not to raise your voice where she can hear it. A loud voice can be triggering for people who have survived abuse. * Don't take it personally if she locks the bathroom door or the bedroom door while she's inside. A locked door may help her feel safer. * Try not to move her things even if they're in your way. Like, if they're a safety hazard, maybe ask her about it when you get a chance. But abuse survivors often won't like their things being messed with or "going missing." * Try not to make comments about her appearance or anything else she may be sensitive about.
Be mindful of your media if it’s in a shared space. Obviously no violent movies or shows; even the news on the radio can be stressful. It doesn’t have to be Disney, but definitely not Game Of Thrones.
If she has been living with an abuser, she's spent years being told what to do, what not to do, how to feel, where to go, what to think, etc. The most important thing you can do is respect her autonomy. Ask her what you can do to help her feel safe. Let her make decisions.
If her abuser is a drinker, hiding the booze for the duration of her stay.
You need to prepare for the strong possibility that this guy shows up at your house. Under no circumstances should anyone let him in, and if she lets him in she has to go, because he’s a danger to all of you. It’s not a very warm or welcoming thing to lead with, but you all need to sit down and get on the same page with that.
don't post anything that could give away her location. no pictures of her, no references of her. make sure youre kind, and be patient. those who have been in abusive relationships will be more likely to be withdrawn, let her open up on her own, or if she doesn't feel safe to, dont try to force it. likely, she will trust the women in the house more. please dont take it personally. make yourself seem welcoming, but not overbearing. as other comments have said, give her the wifi password and perhaps a welcome basket with some things she'll appreciate. dont treat her weird. I know when someone comes from something difficult, we want to help, and we want to do everything we can, but constantly being asked can get very annoying, and it may worry her. just make sure she knows that if she does need something, youre there to help also to add, keep guests minimal. she's gonna have a lot of trust issues right now, and she won't want to be around many people
Is there any therapy organised? Have a look for social support services/charities in your area. They have a wealth of experience.
Locks for the guest room and guest bathroom doors. If you don't have time to install locks, you can get door wedges/stops and leave them by the doors. Make sure they are locks that only allow the door to be locked one way like, you can lock the bathroom from the inside but you can't lock the bathroom from the outside, so no one can be locked in, but someone inside could lock others out. The wifi password. If she is coming without her electronics, a laptop/tablet/phone. Used is fine, but reset to factory settings and left alone. A tour of the house and a verbal invitation to use the kitchen any time, and help herself to whatever food.
Maybe easy board games if she wants to interact, but maybe is too shut down to figure out how. Easy craft kits to calm her down and to relax. You're doing amazing 👏 🤩
Snacks and water in her room. I can’t tell you how many times I have starved late at night because I didn’t want to wake anyone up (even if they made it clear that they don’t mind and they never wake up).
How are they doing in terms of financial resources? Abusers tend to strip victims of any economic means. If you're in the states, local agencies and DSS could help with the legal aspects of getting away from an abuser and/or pressing formal charges
My suggestions would be snacks/drinks for the room in case she wants to hole up, a bar of some sort to lock the window, door stops or locks for the door, if you have time, a new pillow and case and throw blanket that is just for her, and also if you have time, a burner phone. You can buy a simple pre-paid phone, set it up in your or your wife's name so she doesn't have her name attached to anything, and give her your numbers so you have a way to talk between each other that no one else would know about. Definitely second the wifi password in room, and maybe a note with where things are around the house.
Be open and ask her. Maybe she wants the bed against the wall. Maybe she wants a door lock. She is the victim of abuse, she needs to reestablish control of her life. Allowing her to dictate what makes her comfortable will help her mental health and demonstrate to her that you will follow her lead which will also be good for her mental health. Ask her if there are current triggers you can avoid. Likely just be calm and treat her normally unless she asks for something specific. Creating the space where she feels open to ask is key.
Print out a floorplan of your home and take her on a tour.
So many great suggestions, I love the welcome basket noted above! Assuming she might want to stay in for a while, you could include a "shopping list" notepad and invite her to write down her preferred snacks, groceries, toiletries, etc. I would also want to know how the washer/dryer works, and where to find clean towels.
Don't block exits and walkways so she always has a clear path to leave the room or building if she needs it. She may not even be aware of you not blocking doorways, but she will definitely notice you being in the way if you are. I would avoid certain tv shows and movies. Anything like Law & Order, especially SVU could be really bad. Anything with someone yelling/screaming or being caused pain could be bad. Tell her you don't want her to be uncomfortable with anything you watch, so she should feel free to ask you to mute something or change the channel, or watch whatever it is when she's not around.
Close your doors softly, let her have her space, try to keep things as 'normal' and calm as possible. Don't dote on her too much, but some comfort items like candles or comfort snacks are usually nice. Have movies or TV to watch ready, be ready to pop out for extra items she may have forgotten in the need to relocate.
Express the importance of trauma counseling. She may very well end up with ptsd due to this, and the earlier it’s addressed, the better off she’ll be. I was once rescued. Not from a relationship, but dangerous nonetheless. I thank God for people like you.
Make sure the phone is not sharing its location!!!
Do not tell anyone that SHE doesn't trust where she is. If the perpetrator finds out where she is, you'll have a problem and the violence may be directed towards you too. Get security cameras around your house. Has she changed her mobile phone number? Please check all of her electronics, belongings, and car for trackers. She needs to log out of all shared apps if she hasn't done so already. Change all her passwords. Please put her in touch with your local DV services. If he shows up, do not let him in, do not let HER let him in. Do not let him know where she is. Minimize who you tell about her whereabouts. Once he knows where she is living, he is a danger to all of you. I am sorry that this is happening, please know that no matter what happens, you are doing the correct thing. Please have a plan for when he or if he shows up.
If you have the skill, put a lockable knob on the door of her bedroom. Being able to lock her door, will add to her feeling of safety and help her relax and sleep. Same thing with the bathroom.
Ask her if there's anything you can do that would help her feel safe/ease this process for her if possible. Discuss the things you're planning on doing. Remember that she may act and react to things in unexpected ways, like being extra "jumpy" or not speaking much, low appetite, etc. I had a friend stay with me for a few weeks as she was leaving an abusive situation. Two big things we did for her were agree on code words/phrases for specific situations. Like if dude showed up at her job and she needed an immediate pickup/reason to leave (to avoid awkward conversation with her boss) she'd text "Can you feed the dog?" Or if dude showed up at our house it was something like "there's a new episode of our show this week!" etc etc The other was switching out the bedroom door knob for one that locked with a key. Gives an extra layer of security and hopefully some assurance that her space is hers, and safe.
You're getting a lot of sound advice, I just want to add that I advise all of you to not trash the abusive partner too much. When it's early on you should be hands off on that front - the victim may be inclined to defend their abuser and you do not want to open that door for them. Listen more than you speak. Resist any and all urge to take on the tough guy role - not that you would, it just sometimes helps to hear/read it so you can be aware if it creeps up on you. Some men thinks this stuff will make a woman feel safe but your goal is to be the antithesis (I think you understand that). Just be sure to listen more than you speak and continue to strive for understanding - not problem solving. I know my husband is always looking for the solution but with these issues there really isn't just one; even when it looks like there is. It takes time.
Complete privacy in her room. If you need her and she is inside, ask whether she prefers a text or knock or verbal call to get her attention so she isn’t startled or in a position where she has to open her space up to another person.