I just quit my job because I can’t afford unpaid maternity leave. I accepted a position where I work from home, but they won’t grant me ‘maternity leave’. They will, however, give me a Leave of Absence where I can claim 2 weeks post birth, and have a doctors note for 4 weeks ‘if necessary’. At least I’ll be working from home so I can work and take care of the baby. But who’s going to take care of me?
This is why Paternity leave is important. For both (hopefully) parents. When my wife gave birth, I took all of my vacation so I could stay at home to help her... hardest work I've ever done. She would pump and I would wash when she was done so she could bond with the little one. I made sure my wife got as much rest as she could and there was very little for the first month... Between the stress from high jaundice levels on day 4 which sent us to the hospital for 2 blue spa days; to really bad RSV on week 2, on oxygen for 3 days and constantly using an ungodly suction on the poor kid's nose.
Tldr; parenting is fking hard, being a mother is insanely difficult and stressful enough. The fact that businesses don't accommodate mothers in this day and age is barbaric.
God damn. It’s not surprising. But it’s crazy to have a kid you are not only potentially giving up the financial ability to go on vacation, you’ve given up your ability to even get off work for it.
Fast food and bulk cooking girl. Vacuuming > dishes (except the bottles). It's okay to let it go till the morning, or until you've napped. Just remember to eat. I was so stressed I'd forget to sleep and eat. I couldn't produce more than 30ml of milk. Set reminders to eat. Set time to zen. If you have a partner quality time / getting a cpl hours alone is so important. Baby in the portable crib helped a ton too. I kept it by my desk. Best of luck! Congrats on the babehh!! I used to go just watch mine sleep amazed at how crazy that I grew it in my body!
6 weeks? There's no federal amount. Literally zero. Americans can use FMLA to at least not get fired, but there's no pay. You can also just get fired for "reasons" and unless you find a lawyer, you lose. Even if you win, it's not like you can continue to work on a toxic place.
And that's if you qualify for FMLA
If you've been with a company for less than a year or they have less than 50 fulltime employees you're not guaranteed any time off, even unpaid.
My company has I think 46 employees so I don't get any.
If I’d had two weeks of maternity leave and had to go back that quickly for money reasons, there are decent odds I would have died. The way we treat birth in this country is appalling.
This is reflected in the mortality rate in the US vs other nations.
USA is 57th with 19 per 100,000 births
Italy has 2 per 100,000.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_maternal_mortality_ratio
>death of a woman while pregnant or within 42 days of termination of pregnancy, irrespective of the duration and site of the pregnancy, from any cause related to or aggravated by the pregnancy or its management but not from accidental or incidental causes.
It took me two weeks to be able to sit up or stand by myself. It was a month before I could walk more than a few steps or make it upstairs to sleep in my actual bedroom (as in, I wasn’t even cleared to climb stairs and was specifically told not to till four weeks post-birth).
Two weeks?! That's ridiculous and completely unacceptable! So, if you want any extra time off, it'll have to come from your own annual leave balance?
Edit: Sorry guys. I'm not from the States and didn't realise how dire the situation is for many people in America when it comes to annual leave/vacation time.
Annual leave balance? Um, most people in the US are lucky if they get two weeks vacation. And if you actually take it, you are deemed "not a team player".
Yeah... You don't seem to get how utterly oppressed the American people are. The number of destitute is skyrocketing, being working poor is just normal, and the middle class only appeara to have it together because they're swimming in barely manageable debt. And still the rich want more.
For most workers in the US it’s zero. That’s how it is at the company I work at, which is a good sized healthcare system. Oh but you are welcome to use your vacation time or take unpaid leave. Better hope you’ve been saving pto and don’t have an unplanned pregnancy.
And then they add salt to the wound by posting articles about how younger generations aren’t having kids and how selfish we are, not to want them.
You can’t win here in the United States. Unless you’re rich
Your generation is the first one smart enough not to bow to the pressure to have kids you can’t afford. But to get blamed for that and called selfish? That’s horseshit. Young adults have it a lot harder than I did growing up as a young adult in the 80s and 90s.
We get whatever sick time we have managed to save, then have to go on short term disability. Unless coworkers want to donate sick time. I'm a fucking firefighter paramedic.
tamer response if you're a chicken like me is "not nearly enough sleep to be called a vacation" with raised eyebrows , juuust enough to not be able to get in any kind of trouble
Oh my goodness, for real though. I remember being at work after the Christmas holidays, but my partner and our baby boy were visiting her parents. People asked me how my vacation was, and I would think about how all I had to do was show up for work for eight hours, then I could do whatever I wanted for the rest of the time I was conscious. I love being a dad, but it sure felt like I was still on holiday.
I'd be worried they'd write my humor off before fully realizing the implications of the statement. I'd want them to know*exactly* what I'm getting at 😁
OhMyGawd, my bullshit tolerance for whiney adults disappeared after having a baby. Like i have to listen to screaming all night, i dont give a shit someone moved your cup Tony
I think I would be serious and say, "oh, no one told you? I was on maternity leave. I'm so sorry you weren't told! No, I had a baby! Oh my goodness, this whole time you thought I was on vacation!? Wow wouldn't that be nice!! I'm sorry you didn't know."
And then if they are like no no I knew I was making a joke.. them having to say it's a joke (and it wasn't laughed it) totally deflates it without being rude!
Best of luck and congrats on the little one!!
I've heard women should say this when men make inappropriate jokes. Making them have to explain it and say it again out loud basically shames them.
I'm a man so I've never had the opportunity but I could see it working.
Agreed. "I can't believe you weren't told/didn't know."
I'd consider throwing in a, "Bless your heart, you thought HR would approve a vacation that long? Oh you sweet summer child, never change."
"…and the long cuts they made through my abdomen, uterus and other internal tissue are healing quite nicely as well. How long did your battle scars take to not bother you anymore? Oh, you never got any? Never mind then."
(Optional after cesarian, as well as when perineal tears or cuts happened [with modification of course, something like: "did your perineum ever rip open, and how long did it take to heal?"])
This one. Presumably they wouldn't pull that on a buddy who'd just had a triple bypass. If they would...well, clearly nothing you say is going to convince them, so I'd just go with a sarcastic "cute" and move on with whatever you actually need to talk to them about while you keep an eye on the job listings.
I work in a male dominated office where guys have come back from life threatening surgery to this very question. It's delivered in a joking way, before moving into a more serious welcome back/how are you doing/we were worried about you conversation...
So my response would be tailored to the person asking. The funny snark being saved for people who are genuinely making a (dumb) joke. Otherwise, this is the best response...
Yes, this is the risk. The person asking might be insinuating that he or she believes you were really on "vacation," sure. But they also might be subtly commiserating with you by jokingly downplaying it, knowing full well from their own experiences that being a new parent is... freaking brutal.
It's sort of like the guy who comes back from a triple bypass to a chorus of "hey, heard you had a triple bypass--what, couldn't save up for the quadruple? That's weak, man--next time get some real surgery." Typically followed by "but seriously, brother, how's the ticker?"
Tbh in either scenario, for that coworker to be not annoying, I would need to at the very least consider them a work-friend. I do have coworkers and friends who I can joke around with like this, *because we are friends and know each other.* Rando coworkers can't come at me like that.
Also tbf, I could respond with the above with a work friend, too, because they would know I'm just taking the piss right back out of them. It's all about tone and delivery.
This is nice! Definitely gets the point across but also seems friendly and jovial. Depends on the relationship OP has with coworkers, of course, but I can see something like this really working.
“About the same as working here, Ted. Lots of unappreciated labor, a complete disregard for my physical and mental health, then being expected to take care of helpless infantile entities filled with unreasonable demands and inane questions. The good news is my kid will eventually grow out of that. When are you planning to?”
There was a kid in my 6th grade yearbook who was in there as "S. Laughter".
No one had ever seen that kid in school before and he's the only one who had his first name as an initial.
"Did you know that you keep bleeding from where the placenta was ripped off? I was passing blood clots the size of my fist. I had to wear literal diapers for a week!"
"Well, my favorite part was when I shit myself from the pressure of my contractions. But it was soon covered up by all the blood. There was so much blood...."
"Fun story! My anus is STILL bleeding from when I ripped my taint open. Yeah. I am wearing depends right now. So, how was your golf weekend?"
The scene in Superstore where Amy is talking about the after effects of birth after being forced to work is probably one of the realist descriptions of birth I've ever seen televised and may be a good reference, too.
It is not a pretty process.
I recently gave birth and I remember lying in bed in my hospital room contemplating the expression "feels like I have been hit by a truck" while all of the things she describes actually happened to me.
Turn it back on them. Act dumb. Say, "What do you mean?" If they say something about time off, just say, "Where did you hear that I was on vacation?" When they stumble or say they were just kidding, say, "I don't understand. Explain it to me."
This basically forces them to have to admit they are an asshole and shames them.
This is my favorite response to any offensive or unwanted joke. Playing dumb forces them to explain and they usually get really uncomfortable because they know it was wrong.
This worked very well on me when I was young and very obnoxious. It's very uncomfortable and when the situation is over it still doesn't really leave you. You try to blame them, but you can't because all they did was ask you to explain something. So then it's just you by yourself reconsidering your toxic thought patterns.
I knew a women who would question every single joke or sarcastic remark anyone around her said for any reason. Or even if you just made an off hand generalization about something utterly unimportant she would instantly interrogate it.
Here is a hypothetical example:
>Me: "I knew a women who would question every single joke or sarcastic remark anyone around her said for any reason."
>Her: "Every single joke? Did you count them? Were you always there?"
>Me: "No..."
>Her: "Then why are you lying?"
My god it was hard to have a conversation with her. I do not know why she did it, but she was extremely smart and definitely knew what hyperbolic language was. My theory is that she did it to annoy people she did not like, and she must not have liked me.
So if you want to piss off a bigot, this is the way to do it. Just please only use the power for good.
Honestly she was faster on the draw than I am. Attempting to outwit like that would have not ended well for me. I do have friends who probably could have handled it, but my poor autism brain takes an extra step to figure out unexpected situations.
Yup. “I don’t get it. Was that a joke?”
Though… “I brought new life into the world. But I see you’re still sucking life out of everything. Thanks for asking though” would be fun.
I used the “I don’t understand, explain it” technique and was hit with “Good! It’s better that you don’t understand!” with laughs from all my male colleagues. Infuriating, so figured I’d add the caution.
You can’t say “I don’t understand”. The problem with these is honestly I feel like you have to practice. You have to say “what vacation? Who told you I was on vacation?” And insist that they don’t make any sense while never indicating that you don’t understand it or don’t get it on an intellectual level. “Why would maternity leave be a vacation?” “That’s not a very funny joke, tell me why you think it’s funny”. Etc.
Honestly, skilled assholes can turn literally anything around on you so it’s sometimes best to not engage.
I like this one. When someone makes a passive aggressive comment they either want you to (1)lash out, then call you out for being offended or (2)play along, thus attacking yourself
So asking for clarification is the best way because it makes them either (1)Describe their comment which reveals it was an attack or (2)Withdraw their comment
"Paid".
Just lean into it, you owe no more than that
(I'm assuming you are in a location that continues to compensate workers on parental leave, hope so)
Wait, America doesn't have paid maternity leave?
Aussie here, I thought ours was lacking at 18 weeks for birth parent, 2 weeks for the other parent.
EDIT: leave is paid for by government, not your employer. I'm astounded that USA companies are paying their workers for it.
EDIT #2' FYI Australian company has to hold your job for 12months if you choose the full maternity leave period. 50%-ish of childcare is paid for by government and there are other payments, depending on your situation. This is what taxes are for, for paying for society.
I just don't get it. PAY to have your kid in America, then PAY someone else to raise it because you can't even collect EI for 52 weeks to recover/wean baby/create a bond...etc.?
Most ridiculous thing someone ever told me is that some people are charged $5,000 to hold their child right after they are born. Not sure how true it is though.
Nanny, daycare, grandparents… it’s really sad. I was a nanny for many years and saw numerous moms crying the first few days they had to drop off their little 3 month old. They should definitely get more of that bonding time with their babies. The mothers all had their PHD’s and worked hard for their careers, so quitting wasn’t really an option (or affordable).
It varies by employer, but there is no national program in the U.S. providing paid maternity leave. The closest thing we have is FMLA which requires your employer to allow you to take up to 12 weeks **unpaid** without risk of losing your position. Of course, even this is limited and does not apply to all employers and doesn't apply to an employee that has worked <1 year with that employer.
Some employers choose to offer paid leave as a benefit, but it is generally in the neighborhood of 4-8 weeks. I'd be shocked to find a company offering more than 12 weeks paid maternity leave. Most employers don't offer parental leave at all for the non-birth parent.
This is definitely an area where the U.S. falls short.
I'm an engineer at a giant tech company. I get 12 weeks paid bonding leave. It works for birth, adoption, or foster care placement. I have to take it within 12 months of one of these things happening. It's for mothers and fathers. Everyone else in this country gets the 12 weeks unpaid and only ~~because of Obama care~~. Before that you were fucked if your company didn't offer it. I'm probably on the high end of paid bonding leave here. This country sucks ass when it comes to taking care of its citizens.
We recently had our secretary of transportation take some time off for his adoption. A CEO here made the news saying a real man keeps working, or something to that affect. Conservatives here fucking suck. The culture is to look down on the poor as failures who only have themselves to blame. And, helping others like through universal Healthcare are :handouts for the undeserving". It's very selfish here.
Edit: u/fickystingas corrected me. She says
A lot of people don’t get any time off unpaid. FMLA only applies to those who have worked a certain amount of hours over a year at the company.
Edit I’m actually not sure what you’re referring to since FMLA has been around since 93 and Obamacare provides nothing for maternity leave. It mandates health plans to cover pregnancy.
Nope! If you are lucky enough to qualify (large enough employer, been in your role long enough), you can get a whole 12 weeks unpaid where they can't just fire you for taking the time off, though, so there's that!
(I hope the derision really comes through via text...)
My state is very progressive: You can get 12 weeks of disability pay at 85% of your weekly wage after giving birth. (This is updated! It used to be 6, but it looks like it was just expanded.)
9 states have some sort of similar provision.
Everyone else is SOL unless their company decides of their own volition to offer a benefit.
Maternity leave is not gauranteed or paid in America, and the idea of paternity leave is often met with skepticism and mockery.
Some companies do have paid maternal & paternal leave, but it's certainly not a given.
Leave should be paid for by your government, just like health care should be, yet sadly America fails at both.
Yeah any horrific medical details you can share with a straight face might end those jokes. Men who joke about women's experiences usually don't have the stomach to hear what they're actually like.
Right? Like I can't even imagine having to poop after tearing your taint in half. The idea that recovering from an incredibly physically traumatic even *and* taking care of a newborn could be conceptualized as a vacation?...the fucking audacity.
I was doing some research on what post-labour was like (not for my own interest, lol) and I found this site that said 'your first post-labour poop will be an Event. Best to set aside a couple hours because you're going to be there a while'
yikes.
I got lots of warning about the first poop, but no one warned me about the first pee!
It hurt so bad, I punched the toilet paper dispenser in my hospital bathroom.
I tore right where the pee hits coming out. It hurt SO BAD I cried every time I peed for at least 3 weeks. Eventually I figured out how to make use of the squirt bottle in combo with some medicinal stuff until I healed. But man it hurt so bad. My doctor told me at the 6 week check up that the tear was not normal and I should've said something. Like thanks for telling me now. I thought you looked down there when I gave birth. 🙄
Yes, along these lines "well, it started with me pooping in front of a team of medical staff, and only got worse from there"
Or "the best I can say is that I didn't die" (if they laugh, stone face, "maternal mortality rate is unacceptably high")
Or "Maybe on your next vacation you can poop out a watermelon"
Had my vagina torn, had to get stitched there to fix it, I kept bleeding for about a week, I barely got any sleep and rarely got enough time to shower before the baby woke up again, so pretty much this is my off time and now you are try to ruin it, thanks for that.
Even add feeling the blood clots getting out if there were any, gross them out so they learn to mind their own business
I just got back from a surgery in which part of my ovaries were removed. I came back to work and immediately my male team started joking about how they wished they could be granted 2 weeks off…for surgery? They don’t know what I had done, but one theorized I got bigger boobs…so there’s that.
Do you work in a place where you can go to HR and complain about this? Because their "theory" is basically an example from the sexual misconduct training I've done at work.
HR is essentially useless. I’ve talked to them a few times and then they talk to me about how sensitive I am and how our industry can cause a lot of anxiety. I like my job and the pay. Most of the time I stand up for myself. I’m just too exhausted right now.
Thanks! It can be a lot somedays. They all kind of act out, because I put perform them. It’s funny when I first got hired they thought I wouldn’t hack it, because I’m a woman. Now I do the best, because I’m the only woman? Whatever excuse they need.
"Do you mean the maternity leave?"
-"uhmmm... yes."
"Incredibly painful, tiring and expensive. If you're really interested we can talk about it. But it's a bit weird to call it a vacation."
EDIT: Wow. My first Gold and it's in this sub. Thank you kind stranger. :)
Add to it, “At your age, hearing often starts to go. Don’t feel bad, as least you aren’t the out of touch elderly person confusing vacation and a major medical event”
My grandmother: - Exhausted, because giving birth and caring for a child, one with colic at that, is not a fucking vacation...
She said that in the 60's here in Sweden, and the men at the workplace did not repeat themselves when she came back from maternal leave for her second child.
If I had a reason to respond to such a question, I would probably reply with "Extremely wicked, shockingly evil and vile..." and just walk away...
Shoutout to Zac Efron for getting better with age.
“Oh, I wasn’t on vacation. I was on maternity leave, recovering from growing another human being in my body, delivering that baby, and being responsible for their welfare and care.
Coming back HERE will feel like a vacation in comparison.”
"extremely painful, utterly exhausting and noisy. Not sure I'd recommend it to anyone. Might just go to an active war zone next time, might be more peaceful. And if I step on a mine it's probably less painful than birth"
Oh it was great, I mean, the whole shoving a human through my vagina and cervix was you know… so so fun.
And then the crying and oh don’t even ask me about my nipples right now…
“When you’re on vacation, do you also squeeze out a screaming baby? No? Then I guess it wasn’t a vacation.”
My personal favorite is usually to play dumb or indifferent with long pauses and eye contact.
“….are you making a joke?”
If the answer is yes, a simple “oh” is good enough.
If the answer is no, the first thing I said could be a good answer.
Generally, a long drawn out pause is enough to make any small talker squirm and regret their life choices that day.
" I shat out a melon that whines and cries every two hours and thinks that shitting on me is the way to get what it wants. Wasn't much different than being in the office." *pointed look*
i guess this is more crude but “it was great, me and the [insert a postpartum experience like tearing, hemorrhoids, hair loss, baby grossness] had a great time together.”
men r weak, they’ll shut up at that point.
butter domineering racial cable absorbed expansion quickest deer snobbish sand
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
"Still have stitches and am bleeding."
I was confused, but then I remembered that maternity leave in the states is six weeks, not a year like in civilized countries.
I just quit my job because I can’t afford unpaid maternity leave. I accepted a position where I work from home, but they won’t grant me ‘maternity leave’. They will, however, give me a Leave of Absence where I can claim 2 weeks post birth, and have a doctors note for 4 weeks ‘if necessary’. At least I’ll be working from home so I can work and take care of the baby. But who’s going to take care of me?
This is why Paternity leave is important. For both (hopefully) parents. When my wife gave birth, I took all of my vacation so I could stay at home to help her... hardest work I've ever done. She would pump and I would wash when she was done so she could bond with the little one. I made sure my wife got as much rest as she could and there was very little for the first month... Between the stress from high jaundice levels on day 4 which sent us to the hospital for 2 blue spa days; to really bad RSV on week 2, on oxygen for 3 days and constantly using an ungodly suction on the poor kid's nose. Tldr; parenting is fking hard, being a mother is insanely difficult and stressful enough. The fact that businesses don't accommodate mothers in this day and age is barbaric.
> The fact that businesses don't accommodate mothers in this day and age is barbaric. It's also on purpose.
God damn. It’s not surprising. But it’s crazy to have a kid you are not only potentially giving up the financial ability to go on vacation, you’ve given up your ability to even get off work for it.
Fast food and bulk cooking girl. Vacuuming > dishes (except the bottles). It's okay to let it go till the morning, or until you've napped. Just remember to eat. I was so stressed I'd forget to sleep and eat. I couldn't produce more than 30ml of milk. Set reminders to eat. Set time to zen. If you have a partner quality time / getting a cpl hours alone is so important. Baby in the portable crib helped a ton too. I kept it by my desk. Best of luck! Congrats on the babehh!! I used to go just watch mine sleep amazed at how crazy that I grew it in my body!
6 weeks? There's no federal amount. Literally zero. Americans can use FMLA to at least not get fired, but there's no pay. You can also just get fired for "reasons" and unless you find a lawyer, you lose. Even if you win, it's not like you can continue to work on a toxic place.
And that's if you qualify for FMLA If you've been with a company for less than a year or they have less than 50 fulltime employees you're not guaranteed any time off, even unpaid. My company has I think 46 employees so I don't get any.
At my company it’s 2 weeks
If I’d had two weeks of maternity leave and had to go back that quickly for money reasons, there are decent odds I would have died. The way we treat birth in this country is appalling.
It's almost like the humans who make the laws are not the same humans who give birth to new humans 😠
This is reflected in the mortality rate in the US vs other nations. USA is 57th with 19 per 100,000 births Italy has 2 per 100,000. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_maternal_mortality_ratio >death of a woman while pregnant or within 42 days of termination of pregnancy, irrespective of the duration and site of the pregnancy, from any cause related to or aggravated by the pregnancy or its management but not from accidental or incidental causes.
"Once it's out, it's on its own" — Pro life people
I was still in extreme pain 2 weeks after giving birth and could only sit or stand for about 5-10min before the pain was overwhelming.
It took me two weeks to be able to sit up or stand by myself. It was a month before I could walk more than a few steps or make it upstairs to sleep in my actual bedroom (as in, I wasn’t even cleared to climb stairs and was specifically told not to till four weeks post-birth).
Two weeks was all my mom could get in the late 80s, and that was because she saved up vacation days for two years prior to having me. America!
Two weeks?! That's ridiculous and completely unacceptable! So, if you want any extra time off, it'll have to come from your own annual leave balance? Edit: Sorry guys. I'm not from the States and didn't realise how dire the situation is for many people in America when it comes to annual leave/vacation time.
Our what?
lol annual leave balance? Oh you sweet summer child, if maternity leave is two weeks it’s probably that or less
Annual leave balance? Um, most people in the US are lucky if they get two weeks vacation. And if you actually take it, you are deemed "not a team player".
Yeah... You don't seem to get how utterly oppressed the American people are. The number of destitute is skyrocketing, being working poor is just normal, and the middle class only appeara to have it together because they're swimming in barely manageable debt. And still the rich want more.
What annual leave? In ‘murica you need to pull up them bootstraps and get back to work.
unpaid. Americans often only get 10 days paid holidays or none at all if 1099, part time etc
For most workers in the US it’s zero. That’s how it is at the company I work at, which is a good sized healthcare system. Oh but you are welcome to use your vacation time or take unpaid leave. Better hope you’ve been saving pto and don’t have an unplanned pregnancy.
There is no standard maternity leave here. Many get none.
And then they add salt to the wound by posting articles about how younger generations aren’t having kids and how selfish we are, not to want them. You can’t win here in the United States. Unless you’re rich
Your generation is the first one smart enough not to bow to the pressure to have kids you can’t afford. But to get blamed for that and called selfish? That’s horseshit. Young adults have it a lot harder than I did growing up as a young adult in the 80s and 90s.
Lol 6? Some people barely get 4 weeks. There’s no mandated leave under US law at all.
We get whatever sick time we have managed to save, then have to go on short term disability. Unless coworkers want to donate sick time. I'm a fucking firefighter paramedic.
You guys are getting leave?
Six weeks in the US is considered a "very generous" maternity leave.
"A duration of time consisting of waking up every 2 hours to cater to the needs of a helpless child? It's like I never left"
Fantastic but so black, some snitch might just inform HR that you don't to be coping that well...
tamer response if you're a chicken like me is "not nearly enough sleep to be called a vacation" with raised eyebrows , juuust enough to not be able to get in any kind of trouble
I see you have mastered the fine art of office sass. Good job! 🙏🏽
"From parenting? Well I wouldn't call 8 hours a vacation but it just started so I'll let you know how it goes"
Oh my goodness, for real though. I remember being at work after the Christmas holidays, but my partner and our baby boy were visiting her parents. People asked me how my vacation was, and I would think about how all I had to do was show up for work for eight hours, then I could do whatever I wanted for the rest of the time I was conscious. I love being a dad, but it sure felt like I was still on holiday.
I love this.
I like this one best! I might would shorten it to “idk it just started”.
I'd be worried they'd write my humor off before fully realizing the implications of the statement. I'd want them to know*exactly* what I'm getting at 😁
Then wander around saying “Thank god it’s Monday, amirite”
When my kids were little and I was doing military contracting, Mondays were the most relaxing day of the week.
[удалено]
Lol. "It's nice being away from the kid, but so far I'm having to answer a bunch of stupid questions."
It made me realize that newborns and co-workers had so much in common.......
"At least one has its diapers changed, so I can confirm they aren't full of shit."
WOW.
"Quite relaxing compared to the amount of crying I have to stand here."
Op this one
OhMyGawd, my bullshit tolerance for whiney adults disappeared after having a baby. Like i have to listen to screaming all night, i dont give a shit someone moved your cup Tony
I think I would be serious and say, "oh, no one told you? I was on maternity leave. I'm so sorry you weren't told! No, I had a baby! Oh my goodness, this whole time you thought I was on vacation!? Wow wouldn't that be nice!! I'm sorry you didn't know." And then if they are like no no I knew I was making a joke.. them having to say it's a joke (and it wasn't laughed it) totally deflates it without being rude! Best of luck and congrats on the little one!!
I'd suggest the whole play it out. "No no it was a joke." Blank stare "It's funny because..." More blank stare. Make it super awkward.
Ya, then ask them to explain it. "wait, why is that funny? I don't get it. Please elaborate".
I've heard women should say this when men make inappropriate jokes. Making them have to explain it and say it again out loud basically shames them. I'm a man so I've never had the opportunity but I could see it working.
The "..please explain it to me.." as told in other threads about sexist jerks should work wonders.
Less sorrys, but otherwise yes I agree
Agreed. "I can't believe you weren't told/didn't know." I'd consider throwing in a, "Bless your heart, you thought HR would approve a vacation that long? Oh you sweet summer child, never change."
this is such a good response to keep good relations
"my major medical event was lovely thank you"
Haha I was thinking "My vaginal tears have healed quite nicely, thanks!"
"Well I got three stitches to close up my pootang and my nipples have been sucked raw and bleeding." Maintain eye contact.
“Maintain eye contact”… absofuckenlutely.
"I'm still bleeding from my vagina, but my anus stitches are healed, so doing great!"
Saying this to one of those idiot guys who gags at the sight of a Tampax box is something that I would enjoy seeing.
"…and the long cuts they made through my abdomen, uterus and other internal tissue are healing quite nicely as well. How long did your battle scars take to not bother you anymore? Oh, you never got any? Never mind then." (Optional after cesarian, as well as when perineal tears or cuts happened [with modification of course, something like: "did your perineum ever rip open, and how long did it take to heal?"])
This one. Presumably they wouldn't pull that on a buddy who'd just had a triple bypass. If they would...well, clearly nothing you say is going to convince them, so I'd just go with a sarcastic "cute" and move on with whatever you actually need to talk to them about while you keep an eye on the job listings.
I work in a male dominated office where guys have come back from life threatening surgery to this very question. It's delivered in a joking way, before moving into a more serious welcome back/how are you doing/we were worried about you conversation... So my response would be tailored to the person asking. The funny snark being saved for people who are genuinely making a (dumb) joke. Otherwise, this is the best response...
Yes, this is the risk. The person asking might be insinuating that he or she believes you were really on "vacation," sure. But they also might be subtly commiserating with you by jokingly downplaying it, knowing full well from their own experiences that being a new parent is... freaking brutal. It's sort of like the guy who comes back from a triple bypass to a chorus of "hey, heard you had a triple bypass--what, couldn't save up for the quadruple? That's weak, man--next time get some real surgery." Typically followed by "but seriously, brother, how's the ticker?"
Tbh in either scenario, for that coworker to be not annoying, I would need to at the very least consider them a work-friend. I do have coworkers and friends who I can joke around with like this, *because we are friends and know each other.* Rando coworkers can't come at me like that. Also tbf, I could respond with the above with a work friend, too, because they would know I'm just taking the piss right back out of them. It's all about tone and delivery.
Ding ding. This is the winner. My medical near-death experience went swimmingly.
My societally expected/assumed medical near-death experience... Because if the company is male dominated they also assume all women will have kids
The amount of men who don't know pregnancy is life threatening is, disappointing and terrifying.
too many women don't either
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OoOoooo I like this one
I’d simply laugh and say “oh god, I really hope your vacations aren’t anything like maternity leave”.
This is nice! Definitely gets the point across but also seems friendly and jovial. Depends on the relationship OP has with coworkers, of course, but I can see something like this really working.
I think I’d go with this.
"It definitely prepared me to return to an environment with a bunch of infants."
Or similarly: "It was nice only having to cater to one infant at a time."
Not much change. Bunch of crying and people who can’t do things for themselves.
And say that with a deadpan expression
Zing! That''l leave a mark.
“About the same as working here, Ted. Lots of unappreciated labor, a complete disregard for my physical and mental health, then being expected to take care of helpless infantile entities filled with unreasonable demands and inane questions. The good news is my kid will eventually grow out of that. When are you planning to?”
Username should be motherofslaughter.
There was a kid in my 6th grade yearbook who was in there as "S. Laughter". No one had ever seen that kid in school before and he's the only one who had his first name as an initial.
Everyone was too afraid to make him attend
I love this.
I'd probably be as gory as possible, to be honest. They want to know about my vacation, I'll tell them.
"Did you know that you keep bleeding from where the placenta was ripped off? I was passing blood clots the size of my fist. I had to wear literal diapers for a week!" "Well, my favorite part was when I shit myself from the pressure of my contractions. But it was soon covered up by all the blood. There was so much blood...." "Fun story! My anus is STILL bleeding from when I ripped my taint open. Yeah. I am wearing depends right now. So, how was your golf weekend?"
I was told we have a wound the size of a dinner plate
Having seen multiple nice healthy placentas, yep, that’s about the size of it! And they’re about a half kilo / pound in weight too.
Fantastic. "...and the smell! Have you ever been in war?"
I bled out of my ass for x months and ruined all my clothes, thanks for asking
The scene in Superstore where Amy is talking about the after effects of birth after being forced to work is probably one of the realist descriptions of birth I've ever seen televised and may be a good reference, too. It is not a pretty process.
Omg I remember watching that episode and thinking holy fuck this is insane. Can’t believe they made her come in the day after she gave birth. Wtf.
I recently gave birth and I remember lying in bed in my hospital room contemplating the expression "feels like I have been hit by a truck" while all of the things she describes actually happened to me.
For others who are curious: [scene from Superstore](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hrmOper6OA)
I'm a big fan of responding to invasive questions by going massively TMI. I have zero dignity or self respect, so it's worth it to watch them squirm.
I like this one. If someone asks you something that is rude/ none of their business, make them wish they hadn't.
Came here to say this. Explicit detail of what exactly happened to your vagina, aftercare, boobs dripping milk and staining clothing, baby vomit.
How you haven’t had more than 3 hours of sleep at a stretch and you’ve changed 16 diapers a day for weeks on end…so relaxing.
Wrong answer. Assholes want to hear how miserable you were. Far better to describe color and consistency of diaper contents to them.
Bahaha yess!! “Me and my new Vagasshole became BFF’s”
Tell them all about your Vampire holiday
Turn it back on them. Act dumb. Say, "What do you mean?" If they say something about time off, just say, "Where did you hear that I was on vacation?" When they stumble or say they were just kidding, say, "I don't understand. Explain it to me." This basically forces them to have to admit they are an asshole and shames them.
This is my favorite response to any offensive or unwanted joke. Playing dumb forces them to explain and they usually get really uncomfortable because they know it was wrong.
This worked very well on me when I was young and very obnoxious. It's very uncomfortable and when the situation is over it still doesn't really leave you. You try to blame them, but you can't because all they did was ask you to explain something. So then it's just you by yourself reconsidering your toxic thought patterns.
And its zero risk. If they actualy have good answer you can just accept it and move on.
I have one hundred percent been on the receiving end of this, and it still haunts me like 20 years later. IT WORKS
I knew a women who would question every single joke or sarcastic remark anyone around her said for any reason. Or even if you just made an off hand generalization about something utterly unimportant she would instantly interrogate it. Here is a hypothetical example: >Me: "I knew a women who would question every single joke or sarcastic remark anyone around her said for any reason." >Her: "Every single joke? Did you count them? Were you always there?" >Me: "No..." >Her: "Then why are you lying?" My god it was hard to have a conversation with her. I do not know why she did it, but she was extremely smart and definitely knew what hyperbolic language was. My theory is that she did it to annoy people she did not like, and she must not have liked me. So if you want to piss off a bigot, this is the way to do it. Just please only use the power for good.
To that example you should have responded “yes, I counted all of them” and then just stared at her. Your move lady.
Honestly she was faster on the draw than I am. Attempting to outwit like that would have not ended well for me. I do have friends who probably could have handled it, but my poor autism brain takes an extra step to figure out unexpected situations.
Yup. “I don’t get it. Was that a joke?” Though… “I brought new life into the world. But I see you’re still sucking life out of everything. Thanks for asking though” would be fun.
I used the “I don’t understand, explain it” technique and was hit with “Good! It’s better that you don’t understand!” with laughs from all my male colleagues. Infuriating, so figured I’d add the caution.
“No, no, I don’t understand how you think this is appropriate.”
This is the answer
You can’t say “I don’t understand”. The problem with these is honestly I feel like you have to practice. You have to say “what vacation? Who told you I was on vacation?” And insist that they don’t make any sense while never indicating that you don’t understand it or don’t get it on an intellectual level. “Why would maternity leave be a vacation?” “That’s not a very funny joke, tell me why you think it’s funny”. Etc. Honestly, skilled assholes can turn literally anything around on you so it’s sometimes best to not engage.
That’s when you get out a notebook and write it down - “I’m going to ask (someone else that the person respects) to explain this to me.”
>(someone else that the person respects) Their boss, or someone from HR.
I like this one. When someone makes a passive aggressive comment they either want you to (1)lash out, then call you out for being offended or (2)play along, thus attacking yourself So asking for clarification is the best way because it makes them either (1)Describe their comment which reveals it was an attack or (2)Withdraw their comment
Yeah, I'd say this is the best bet on turning it on them while remaining professional.
Bonus points if they manage to talk themselves into a long-overdue chat with HR.
This is my favorite one. This is the way
HA. This. Basically, make them absolutely spell it out to you how much of an asshole they are being. Shame does wonders
I like to say “it is nice finally to be back to something as relaxing as this workplace”.
This. This is the way.
“Did you just say that out loud? How embarrassing.” Let them stew in that discomfort lol.
I love this
This one is my favourite. I'll be filing this comment away for later use
How many times can I upvote this? Like, times a million would not be enough.
"Paid". Just lean into it, you owe no more than that (I'm assuming you are in a location that continues to compensate workers on parental leave, hope so)
Or if you are in the US “unpaid”.
Womp womp
Wait, America doesn't have paid maternity leave? Aussie here, I thought ours was lacking at 18 weeks for birth parent, 2 weeks for the other parent. EDIT: leave is paid for by government, not your employer. I'm astounded that USA companies are paying their workers for it. EDIT #2' FYI Australian company has to hold your job for 12months if you choose the full maternity leave period. 50%-ish of childcare is paid for by government and there are other payments, depending on your situation. This is what taxes are for, for paying for society.
No we don’t. We get up to 12 weeks unpaid leave if you work for a company that qualifies and have been working there for at least a year.
My state allows people on maternity leave to apply for temporary disability. It's 12 weeks and approximately 2/3 of your weekly/bi-weekly salary.
Hang on, so what does the mum do when her baby is 3 months old and she has to go back to work?
Babysitter or a daycare
I just don't get it. PAY to have your kid in America, then PAY someone else to raise it because you can't even collect EI for 52 weeks to recover/wean baby/create a bond...etc.?
Most ridiculous thing someone ever told me is that some people are charged $5,000 to hold their child right after they are born. Not sure how true it is though.
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Or why we're running short on workers ...
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Nanny, daycare, grandparents… it’s really sad. I was a nanny for many years and saw numerous moms crying the first few days they had to drop off their little 3 month old. They should definitely get more of that bonding time with their babies. The mothers all had their PHD’s and worked hard for their careers, so quitting wasn’t really an option (or affordable).
It's company dependent. Many jobs offer unpaid leave. Some offer 4-8weeks PTO. Very few offer any more.
It varies by employer, but there is no national program in the U.S. providing paid maternity leave. The closest thing we have is FMLA which requires your employer to allow you to take up to 12 weeks **unpaid** without risk of losing your position. Of course, even this is limited and does not apply to all employers and doesn't apply to an employee that has worked <1 year with that employer. Some employers choose to offer paid leave as a benefit, but it is generally in the neighborhood of 4-8 weeks. I'd be shocked to find a company offering more than 12 weeks paid maternity leave. Most employers don't offer parental leave at all for the non-birth parent. This is definitely an area where the U.S. falls short.
I'm an engineer at a giant tech company. I get 12 weeks paid bonding leave. It works for birth, adoption, or foster care placement. I have to take it within 12 months of one of these things happening. It's for mothers and fathers. Everyone else in this country gets the 12 weeks unpaid and only ~~because of Obama care~~. Before that you were fucked if your company didn't offer it. I'm probably on the high end of paid bonding leave here. This country sucks ass when it comes to taking care of its citizens. We recently had our secretary of transportation take some time off for his adoption. A CEO here made the news saying a real man keeps working, or something to that affect. Conservatives here fucking suck. The culture is to look down on the poor as failures who only have themselves to blame. And, helping others like through universal Healthcare are :handouts for the undeserving". It's very selfish here. Edit: u/fickystingas corrected me. She says A lot of people don’t get any time off unpaid. FMLA only applies to those who have worked a certain amount of hours over a year at the company. Edit I’m actually not sure what you’re referring to since FMLA has been around since 93 and Obamacare provides nothing for maternity leave. It mandates health plans to cover pregnancy.
Nope! If you are lucky enough to qualify (large enough employer, been in your role long enough), you can get a whole 12 weeks unpaid where they can't just fire you for taking the time off, though, so there's that! (I hope the derision really comes through via text...) My state is very progressive: You can get 12 weeks of disability pay at 85% of your weekly wage after giving birth. (This is updated! It used to be 6, but it looks like it was just expanded.) 9 states have some sort of similar provision. Everyone else is SOL unless their company decides of their own volition to offer a benefit.
Maternity leave is not gauranteed or paid in America, and the idea of paternity leave is often met with skepticism and mockery. Some companies do have paid maternal & paternal leave, but it's certainly not a given. Leave should be paid for by your government, just like health care should be, yet sadly America fails at both.
As a dude. Please do this! Just one word and a smile...or not, up to you. But please and let us know the reaction :p
“When I get one I’ll let you know.”
My vagina got torn open steve. Thanks for asking.
“If that’s your idea of a vacation, remind me never to book with your travel agent”
Oh I like this one
“I had my vagina ripped open, nothing vacation about it” If they’re going to ask give an honest and descriptive answer.
Yeah any horrific medical details you can share with a straight face might end those jokes. Men who joke about women's experiences usually don't have the stomach to hear what they're actually like.
Yeah, like what sane person thinks child birth is a “vacation”, let em know what it’s really like
Right? Like I can't even imagine having to poop after tearing your taint in half. The idea that recovering from an incredibly physically traumatic even *and* taking care of a newborn could be conceptualized as a vacation?...the fucking audacity.
I was doing some research on what post-labour was like (not for my own interest, lol) and I found this site that said 'your first post-labour poop will be an Event. Best to set aside a couple hours because you're going to be there a while' yikes.
I got lots of warning about the first poop, but no one warned me about the first pee! It hurt so bad, I punched the toilet paper dispenser in my hospital bathroom.
I tore right where the pee hits coming out. It hurt SO BAD I cried every time I peed for at least 3 weeks. Eventually I figured out how to make use of the squirt bottle in combo with some medicinal stuff until I healed. But man it hurt so bad. My doctor told me at the 6 week check up that the tear was not normal and I should've said something. Like thanks for telling me now. I thought you looked down there when I gave birth. 🙄
That's what the suggested stool softener is for.
Yes, along these lines "well, it started with me pooping in front of a team of medical staff, and only got worse from there" Or "the best I can say is that I didn't die" (if they laugh, stone face, "maternal mortality rate is unacceptably high") Or "Maybe on your next vacation you can poop out a watermelon"
Had my vagina torn, had to get stitched there to fix it, I kept bleeding for about a week, I barely got any sleep and rarely got enough time to shower before the baby woke up again, so pretty much this is my off time and now you are try to ruin it, thanks for that. Even add feeling the blood clots getting out if there were any, gross them out so they learn to mind their own business
"Ah, yes, being hospitalized is always a fun little vacation, isn't it?"
I just got back from a surgery in which part of my ovaries were removed. I came back to work and immediately my male team started joking about how they wished they could be granted 2 weeks off…for surgery? They don’t know what I had done, but one theorized I got bigger boobs…so there’s that.
Do you work in a place where you can go to HR and complain about this? Because their "theory" is basically an example from the sexual misconduct training I've done at work.
HR is essentially useless. I’ve talked to them a few times and then they talk to me about how sensitive I am and how our industry can cause a lot of anxiety. I like my job and the pay. Most of the time I stand up for myself. I’m just too exhausted right now.
Internet hugs. I'm so sorry, but I did pick up the subtext in your initial comment that you were somewhere where this was the case.
Thanks! It can be a lot somedays. They all kind of act out, because I put perform them. It’s funny when I first got hired they thought I wouldn’t hack it, because I’m a woman. Now I do the best, because I’m the only woman? Whatever excuse they need.
"Do you mean the maternity leave?" -"uhmmm... yes." "Incredibly painful, tiring and expensive. If you're really interested we can talk about it. But it's a bit weird to call it a vacation." EDIT: Wow. My first Gold and it's in this sub. Thank you kind stranger. :)
'oh, I wasn't on vacation I've been on maternity leave. You must have heard wrong. I need a vacation after all that!'
Add to it, “At your age, hearing often starts to go. Don’t feel bad, as least you aren’t the out of touch elderly person confusing vacation and a major medical event”
'The stitches have just come out of my vagina, thanks for asking.'
"have you ever met an infant before?"
Has he looked in a mirror?
My grandmother: - Exhausted, because giving birth and caring for a child, one with colic at that, is not a fucking vacation... She said that in the 60's here in Sweden, and the men at the workplace did not repeat themselves when she came back from maternal leave for her second child. If I had a reason to respond to such a question, I would probably reply with "Extremely wicked, shockingly evil and vile..." and just walk away... Shoutout to Zac Efron for getting better with age.
Makes you wonder how they felt about their own spouses experience, ya know?
Bullseye!
I'd definitely ask them to clarify, loudly. And keep going and going and going "not understanding".
“Oh, I wasn’t on vacation. I was on maternity leave, recovering from growing another human being in my body, delivering that baby, and being responsible for their welfare and care. Coming back HERE will feel like a vacation in comparison.”
"...and how about you bring me a snack, Robert? I'm pretty exhausted."
Ask if they want to see your episiotomy scar.
"extremely painful, utterly exhausting and noisy. Not sure I'd recommend it to anyone. Might just go to an active war zone next time, might be more peaceful. And if I step on a mine it's probably less painful than birth"
I realized it was too short the moment you came into my office
Oh it was great, I mean, the whole shoving a human through my vagina and cervix was you know… so so fun. And then the crying and oh don’t even ask me about my nipples right now…
"My vacation? It's just starting! So nice to be able to relax in this environment, this is a walk in the park"
I'd say something along these lines "I enjoyed it just as much as your mum did when she was having you".
“When you’re on vacation, do you also squeeze out a screaming baby? No? Then I guess it wasn’t a vacation.” My personal favorite is usually to play dumb or indifferent with long pauses and eye contact. “….are you making a joke?” If the answer is yes, a simple “oh” is good enough. If the answer is no, the first thing I said could be a good answer. Generally, a long drawn out pause is enough to make any small talker squirm and regret their life choices that day.
" I shat out a melon that whines and cries every two hours and thinks that shitting on me is the way to get what it wants. Wasn't much different than being in the office." *pointed look*
"not nearly as great as it would have been in germany where it would have been 12 month and paid"
i guess this is more crude but “it was great, me and the [insert a postpartum experience like tearing, hemorrhoids, hair loss, baby grossness] had a great time together.” men r weak, they’ll shut up at that point.
I wasn’t on vacation I was recovering from a major medical event but hey at least I got a cute baby out of it.
Tell them you pushed out a baby from your vag, but it’s still not as big a c@nt as you.
Maybe “I’m recovering well, thanks for asking”
“Haha! Wow, that’s soooo funny and original! Did you start improv classes or something?”
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