Sure just go down to the local heroin junkie store and pick up a few guys.
How exactly do you plan on “hiring” them and getting them there and having them stay and not just wander off with the money you’ve paid them?
And if you’re not paying up front they ain’t gonna care in the first place.
As a recovering junkie I can tell you that if someone told me they would pay me $50 to stand outside a place I would do it.
Don't give them the $ up front though
If you pay an addict $50 once to do some small job, they're gonna keep coming back over and over again looking for another $50. And doing this ULPT would mean they know where you live.
For me, my arch enemy is my ex wife. She cheated on me and abandoned me and our 6 month old, drained all 15k+ from our life savings, took my only car, wrecked it and got it repossessed, and then cost me another 20k that I didn’t have in court and attorney fees. She didn’t show up to court for a year. The court barely wanted to be give me custody, only because she never showed. She never pays child support, she got the judge to put a geographical restriction on me knowing that my career was going to have me move.
I lost my home, my car, all of my savings, ran up all kinds of loans and credit cards, destroyed my credit, my career, and left me with a baby without thinking twice. She told all our shared friends I was abusive or whatever so that they wouldn’t believe the truth when I told them that she was cheating on me with men online for hard drugs (which came out of NOWHERE as we didn’t even drink in our house) so I lost most of my friends. I had to move back in with my parents after I thought that I had a whole life plan figured out.
There’s been essentially no repercussions for her, just a ton for me. I’m happy now, but I fucking hate her. She gets to float through life with a child support order that no court is enforcing, she doesn’t have to pay me back for anything that she took or destroyed, she can work or play or travel while I can’t. I’m still fixing my ruined credit. I can’t move. I don’t get to choose my career anymore. All of my plans and experience are now meaningless, since I’m locked in one city.
And, because I’m not a monster, I say nothing to my son about it. He didn’t even know who she was until he was 4 because she was just gone, but for some fucking reason a court gave her visitation when she decided to float back in and play as a parent. He now loves her and treats me as a second choice. I get it, I’m not as fun as her. I don’t have spending money. As a single parent, I had to be the rule enforcer, the bad cop, the good cop, the safety net, his punching bag for when he’s mad, and the fun parent in one. I do projects and cook his favorite foods, but whenever she visits him (she doesn’t even see him on all of her visitation, usually half or less) it’s a no rules wonderland of no tooth brushing, no bedtimes, no showers, nothing! TV and video games until you pass out! He doesn’t like that I have to work and can’t hang out with him like she does.
I fucking hate her. She has destroyed my life, and while I am slowly rebuilding it and getting back to where I was, I hate that she stole 10 entire years of progress from me and turned me from a funny young dad into a stressed, poor, angry person with horrible credit and who has to ration out my food and go from a real career to back breaking labor so that I could afford formula for an infant by myself. I fucking hate that I will never tell our son, because the courts will eviscerate me if I do. I’ll never forgive her.
Hey man, I'm sorry for everything you went through. Your have all my respect. Stay hard, your son will eventually realize everything you've done when he'll grow up.
I spent 7 years married to a Regina George wannabe, 6 years engaged to a shitshow, and another 7 married to a woman who was trying to stretch her sorority life into a lifetime gig. Plus, I worked in restaurants for 18 years, as a Certified Executive Chef for most of those.
I'm honestly OK with the lack of drama in my life.
Then they’ll come back again. This time, offer them slightly more money in exchange for a little more work. Leverage their added productivity to offer them more money to incentivize them to come over more often. Once you’ve established yourself and proven this concept, it’s time to expand! Find two more junkies, and offer them $50 plus a toothbrush and CVS coupons to sweeten the deal. As they keep coming back, it’ll become harder and harder to keep track of the money. To make things easier, you can write it all down in a book. You’ve probably made enough money at this point to hire someone to keep the book, and track all of the payments. This last part is important because early next year, the government may start to question how you’re affording such a lavish lifestyle. To get around that, you’re going to have to make sure all of your junkie friends get W2 forms. Those forms can be complicated, so I suggest finding one a junkie lying on the ground outside of a brick-and-mortar payday lender. Nobody understands money the way they do. If you pick a smart one, he’ll point out that you have to pay the IRS for all the money that you get, but charities don’t. So now you’ll need to restructure your collective of money-making junkies as a 501(c)(3). As you might expect, that requires more paperwork. But who has the time for that? You can find more junkies loitering around the local food bank who can handle that for you. Nobody has more hands-on-experience with charitable organizations than them. Once you reach 501(c)(3) status, you’ll be swimming in money. Nobody will care if you skim a little extra money off the top of the pile, right? Wrong. Embezzling money from a charity is a crime, and you’re going to need a good lawyer. Where are you going to find a good lawyer? You guessed it; you can pay a junkie outside of the courthouse $1000 to represent you. After all, he has more experience with the court system than anyone else you know. All he has to do is show up in court for your trial, and….oh….he didn’t show up. Maybe that last one was a lapse in judgement on your part. With nobody to defend you, you’re screwed and going to jail. Now you’re in your cell, bored out of your mind with nothing to do. It would be so much more fun to be high right now. But where are you going to find drugs in prison? You find the closest junkie in your cell block and give him $50.
Where did you get free from? I just said don't pay up front. Or pay $10 uo front and then the rest later. People often think addicts have no morals. That's not true
Okay someone is a little too pure to follow along. They may have morals but I don’t, they’re not getting that $10 when they’re done.
I’m joking though just to be clear. I’m unethical not evil.
They don't have to be real lol.
If you know some guys who want to make a hundred bucks for an afternoon of doing nothing but sitting around and looking homeless, I'm sure they would do it. Just tell him to come looking dirty and loiter.
Bonus points if you can find a shopping cart and fill it with trash bags and cans.
I mean the idea in principle is fine. But most people attempting to hire human beings like they're just the same type of shit they are themselves, will emerge from the situation minus their wallet and shoes.
Then after scampering home, find their wife banging their dad.
I know it goes with the territory, but there are some real slithering scumbags on here.
View the house with a pocket of lark cockroaches in an open area to delight your fellow viewers . Then tell the junkies / tramps there will be a cheap drug dealer in town viewing the house and wants it for a grow spot ?
Lmao. I’m so confused at this statement. If you’re house hunting, isn’t this when you’d go see a house? Were we doing it wrong when we were looking for a house?
Sure just go down to the local heroin junkie store and pick up a few guys. How exactly do you plan on “hiring” them and getting them there and having them stay and not just wander off with the money you’ve paid them? And if you’re not paying up front they ain’t gonna care in the first place.
As a recovering junkie I can tell you that if someone told me they would pay me $50 to stand outside a place I would do it. Don't give them the $ up front though
If you pay an addict $50 once to do some small job, they're gonna keep coming back over and over again looking for another $50. And doing this ULPT would mean they know where you live.
they would know where your arch enemy lives.
I dunno man... I don't know what kind of life you lead, but I don't have an arch enemy, or anyone I'd even call a regular enemy
My arch enemy is the woman at the DMV who spited me 5 years ago.
This comment made me laugh way harder than it should have lol
Now that we've waited long enough to avoid suspicion, what's the plot?
For me, my arch enemy is my ex wife. She cheated on me and abandoned me and our 6 month old, drained all 15k+ from our life savings, took my only car, wrecked it and got it repossessed, and then cost me another 20k that I didn’t have in court and attorney fees. She didn’t show up to court for a year. The court barely wanted to be give me custody, only because she never showed. She never pays child support, she got the judge to put a geographical restriction on me knowing that my career was going to have me move. I lost my home, my car, all of my savings, ran up all kinds of loans and credit cards, destroyed my credit, my career, and left me with a baby without thinking twice. She told all our shared friends I was abusive or whatever so that they wouldn’t believe the truth when I told them that she was cheating on me with men online for hard drugs (which came out of NOWHERE as we didn’t even drink in our house) so I lost most of my friends. I had to move back in with my parents after I thought that I had a whole life plan figured out. There’s been essentially no repercussions for her, just a ton for me. I’m happy now, but I fucking hate her. She gets to float through life with a child support order that no court is enforcing, she doesn’t have to pay me back for anything that she took or destroyed, she can work or play or travel while I can’t. I’m still fixing my ruined credit. I can’t move. I don’t get to choose my career anymore. All of my plans and experience are now meaningless, since I’m locked in one city. And, because I’m not a monster, I say nothing to my son about it. He didn’t even know who she was until he was 4 because she was just gone, but for some fucking reason a court gave her visitation when she decided to float back in and play as a parent. He now loves her and treats me as a second choice. I get it, I’m not as fun as her. I don’t have spending money. As a single parent, I had to be the rule enforcer, the bad cop, the good cop, the safety net, his punching bag for when he’s mad, and the fun parent in one. I do projects and cook his favorite foods, but whenever she visits him (she doesn’t even see him on all of her visitation, usually half or less) it’s a no rules wonderland of no tooth brushing, no bedtimes, no showers, nothing! TV and video games until you pass out! He doesn’t like that I have to work and can’t hang out with him like she does. I fucking hate her. She has destroyed my life, and while I am slowly rebuilding it and getting back to where I was, I hate that she stole 10 entire years of progress from me and turned me from a funny young dad into a stressed, poor, angry person with horrible credit and who has to ration out my food and go from a real career to back breaking labor so that I could afford formula for an infant by myself. I fucking hate that I will never tell our son, because the courts will eviscerate me if I do. I’ll never forgive her.
This is ULPT so I’m going to recommend putting a piss disc under her door and squirting liquid ass in her mailbox
I’m so sorry you had your go thru that . I had a similar partner but got rid of him and his access ( uk )
Hey man, I'm sorry for everything you went through. Your have all my respect. Stay hard, your son will eventually realize everything you've done when he'll grow up.
I'll be your enemy! We could have sword fights and stuff. But first, do you have a sword I could borrow?
oh, you should find one. try hanging out with very petty people. Or you could be the very petty person. Either method works.
I spent 7 years married to a Regina George wannabe, 6 years engaged to a shitshow, and another 7 married to a woman who was trying to stretch her sorority life into a lifetime gig. Plus, I worked in restaurants for 18 years, as a Certified Executive Chef for most of those. I'm honestly OK with the lack of drama in my life.
I feel like you’re missing out!
Then they’ll come back again. This time, offer them slightly more money in exchange for a little more work. Leverage their added productivity to offer them more money to incentivize them to come over more often. Once you’ve established yourself and proven this concept, it’s time to expand! Find two more junkies, and offer them $50 plus a toothbrush and CVS coupons to sweeten the deal. As they keep coming back, it’ll become harder and harder to keep track of the money. To make things easier, you can write it all down in a book. You’ve probably made enough money at this point to hire someone to keep the book, and track all of the payments. This last part is important because early next year, the government may start to question how you’re affording such a lavish lifestyle. To get around that, you’re going to have to make sure all of your junkie friends get W2 forms. Those forms can be complicated, so I suggest finding one a junkie lying on the ground outside of a brick-and-mortar payday lender. Nobody understands money the way they do. If you pick a smart one, he’ll point out that you have to pay the IRS for all the money that you get, but charities don’t. So now you’ll need to restructure your collective of money-making junkies as a 501(c)(3). As you might expect, that requires more paperwork. But who has the time for that? You can find more junkies loitering around the local food bank who can handle that for you. Nobody has more hands-on-experience with charitable organizations than them. Once you reach 501(c)(3) status, you’ll be swimming in money. Nobody will care if you skim a little extra money off the top of the pile, right? Wrong. Embezzling money from a charity is a crime, and you’re going to need a good lawyer. Where are you going to find a good lawyer? You guessed it; you can pay a junkie outside of the courthouse $1000 to represent you. After all, he has more experience with the court system than anyone else you know. All he has to do is show up in court for your trial, and….oh….he didn’t show up. Maybe that last one was a lapse in judgement on your part. With nobody to defend you, you’re screwed and going to jail. Now you’re in your cell, bored out of your mind with nothing to do. It would be so much more fun to be high right now. But where are you going to find drugs in prison? You find the closest junkie in your cell block and give him $50.
no tldr needed this was an excellent read. i will be putting this plan in action immediately thanks. i'll pay you $50 for it ;)
That was actually brilliant. You should become a writer. Seriously. That was so Burroughs-esque
so definitely don’t do this to the neighbor. Ok. Now I gotta figure something else out.
If you give an addict a cookie...
Then pay them to go away
This is the real pro-tip. I thought illegal immigrants were cheap but now you’re telling me junkies will work for free?
Where did you get free from? I just said don't pay up front. Or pay $10 uo front and then the rest later. People often think addicts have no morals. That's not true
Okay someone is a little too pure to follow along. They may have morals but I don’t, they’re not getting that $10 when they’re done. I’m joking though just to be clear. I’m unethical not evil.
They don't have to be real lol. If you know some guys who want to make a hundred bucks for an afternoon of doing nothing but sitting around and looking homeless, I'm sure they would do it. Just tell him to come looking dirty and loiter. Bonus points if you can find a shopping cart and fill it with trash bags and cans.
I usually just get them off of upwork.
“The heroin junkie store called… they’re running out of you!!” “What difference does it make? You’re their all-time best seller!!”
I'd be afraid that the end result of this would be to introduce squatters into the house and no one would be able to secure the property.
That’s when you hire thugs to evict the crack heads lol
But then you'll have to hire ninjas to remove the thugs.
And that, Timmy, is how an "e-c-o-n-o-m-y" is born.
That's when you hire the pirate to evict the ninjas
At that point just use all that money to put a higher bid on the property lol
Thug problem? Seems like releasing poisonous snakes would be a convenient solution.
Then you need Russian mercenaries to remove the ninjas...
Well, nobody else will get it.
This is why you don't hire actual addicts, you hire theater students. They are also poor and desperate but less likely to hang about.
This is some 80s teen movie bullshit.
Looks like we're at peak summer reddit with all the kids home from school posting the stupidest shit.
That way when you buy the house, the upstanding citizens who know where you live will have a good hang spot. Might not shake you down if you’re lucky.
And then a bunch of heroin addicts know where you live...
Which is a good thing because you'll need to start selling heroin in order to afford the house. r/shittylifeprotips
Oh, good call!
Oh no?
And that you have money to pay them to do shit.
Oh no... the horror.
Sell Heroin.
Or Blue Herons. Same difference.
Hiring : Heroin Addicts ! Requirements : a masters degree , 10 years experience, Clean driving record, certifications
Heroin addicts would then find the new open house property a better place to chill and socialize Open house property would become the new junkie place
or show up in your underwear and ski hat with a beer and say your the neighbor and can’t wait to be buddies!
Unless the other potential buyer is into that and now you’re in a bidding war with an unhinged person.
sounds like a sitcom plot!
This doesn’t make any sense man
And then a bunch of heroin addicts know where you live...
The U in ULPT being unrealistic.
Address? Looking to score…
I mean the idea in principle is fine. But most people attempting to hire human beings like they're just the same type of shit they are themselves, will emerge from the situation minus their wallet and shoes. Then after scampering home, find their wife banging their dad. I know it goes with the territory, but there are some real slithering scumbags on here.
View the house with a pocket of lark cockroaches in an open area to delight your fellow viewers . Then tell the junkies / tramps there will be a cheap drug dealer in town viewing the house and wants it for a grow spot ?
Won't they move in as squatters though ?
Look at OP trying to get those sweet heroine handouts. Nice try, buddy.
That is moronic take... Those junkies can become squaters or mess up the property.
It’s so funny that your comment is downvoted but the comment below yours says the same thing and they’ve got 24 upvotes… lol
Just reddit thing mate haha.
Waste of time and money. Open Houses aren't for serious buyers.
Lmao. I’m so confused at this statement. If you’re house hunting, isn’t this when you’d go see a house? Were we doing it wrong when we were looking for a house?
Really? We bought our house after coming to the open house.