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I live in Greece, where mental health services are severely lacking. I did go to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis and I kinda got one for ADHD and OCD, although I suspect he thought I was faking it to get drugs. Apparently, if you are very intelligent and get good grades until high-school by cramming at the last minute, you don't have ADHD.
I was also told by the same doctor that I don't need meds or therapy because I'm just doing so well. I'm raw dogging this shit, because a professional thought using my OCD to deal with my crippling ADHD is a good strategy. Dear reader, it is not.
Knowing what is wrong with me helps though. There's a lot of info on the internet about both disorders and I have found some things that help me sort of function.
Personally, I think of it as trying to deal with an ant infestation by using a flamethrower. Some of the ants will die, but not all of them, and you run the risk of burning your house down multiple times a day.
I love this analogy.
That was me using my anxiety to manage my ADHD. Did I get shit done? Hell yeah! Did I also wind up with debilitating panic attacks? You betcha!
Got my anxiety down to normal/manageable levels and guess what spiraled out of control? My ADHD!
I never realized how bad my anxiety, OCD, and perfectionism were until I started taking medication for ADHD. Always putting everything off until the last possible hour, panicking to get it “perfect” in such a short time frame, and then having panic attacks over the anxiety that I wasn’t good enough/didn’t do it good enough/forgot something important, etc.
I have tried to time manage, and I am okay with it, but I still slide into my old ways when I haven’t had any medication and haven’t prepared myself way way ahead of time.
The mental health nurse I spoke to when going through the process of getting my referral has suggested that I display OCD tendencies which may have developed as a coping mechanism and yeah a horse babysitting a dog is painfully accurate. Or to use a more “inappropriate” comparison - the lunatics have been put in charge of the asylum.
I didn't realize how much my OCD tendencies and routines were helping me function until I went on Paxil for depression. Significantly reduced my OCD habits and schedules (yay?) but that gave my ADHD free reign. Still took almost 20 years to get diagnosed after that 🤦♀️
The mad thing is it was suggested I had OCD before the adhd was even picked up on like some of my thought processes are absolutely insane. It’s a need for control like no other where I literally become so single minded on one thing that I literally cannot do anything else it’s horrible. Like my phone, I’m obsessive over it but I know that’s because I know I’ll lose it if I put it down.
Apple Watch has saved me from some of the phone obsession. I can ping it and find it quickly, unless I leave without it…. That still happens semi-frequently.
Wow. I’m having an epiphany now about my start date for lexapro…no wonder I’ve been so genuinely surprised by the new and unexpected chaos I continue to create, and then solve, alongside the normal stuff. Here I was thinking that I had just started playing a game where I make up real-life-obstacle-courses because peace is an unattainable fiction.
Yeahhh I began to suspect I had ocd when I was young and got formally diagnosed a few years back. I also got put on an anti depressant that supposedly helped ocd compulsions. I’m now putting two and two together why my life was still somehow falling apart despite being better in other ways lol.
Ugh I don’t know how functional it is when I want to scream “I LEARNED HOW TO BE A DECENT PERSON AND PICK UP AFTER MYSELF AND NOT BE LATE WHY CAN’T YOU”
Then I realize that most of my adult get-shit-done behaviors are a result of RSD and I don’t feel so put-together anymore lol
Most of the time my motivation comes from avoiding negative feedback at all costs. Also, sprinkle in some perfectionism that tells me anything that’s not perfect is a failure.
That’s me 10000%! The perfectionism is crippling for me. I’m an artist who hasn’t arted in a year because of a HORRIBLE professor who was so critical of me. It’s almost a type ptsd for me. Plus I get so stressed at doing it right that I don’t do anything (hence why I’m on Reddit right now) lol.
Wait, this just put something together for me. I became a public defender and had to get real cool about dealing with my anxiety about negative feedback and perfectionism real fast because that job is like at least 70% people yelling at you for things that mostly aren't your fault. So I *did* and now I'm much less anxious about some stuff.
BUT I'm also late a LOT and have trouble keeping up with putting notes in the case management system and things that my anxiety used to make me great at...turns out "fear of negative feedback" and "perfectionism" were load-bearing walls, oops
I've been doing that since I was diagnosed with PPD 11years ago. It doesn't just go away if you don't deal with it, it just gets added to the huge pile of emotional baggage. (ADHD, PPD, CPTSD, GAD, OCD, and good old chronic depression.) It's all part of the same damn mess!!
This is what I think needs more awareness. I don’t “have” ADHD, GAD, CPTSD, OCD, depression, etc. like I’m collecting badges — it’s all a part of the same mess!!! These are just labels for clusters of symptoms.
It makes me feel like people think I’m faking each one of these bc I just want to claim to suffer from something else. Trust me, I do not. I really and truly wish each of these to be gone. But they’re a part of the ways my brain developed and the labels help me find resources to help myself.
I was told you can’t have OCD with ADHD, because they come from opposite effects on the same area of the brain or something (look I’m not a neurologist ok). And yet I’m here getting out of bed for the 10th time in an hour to make sure the door to the house is really truly locked, the stove is off (even though I didn’t even cook), washing my hands over and over because I keep accidentally touching the tap or the back of the sink, doing my makeup over and over because I don’t like the position my mascara made one eyelash sit in, etc…
Idk anymore.
They used to say that you couldn't have ADHD and ASD as well.
Did you know the term "comorbid" wasn't even used before 1970. Cutting edge in 1970. In psychology they use the term and concept of co-occurrence and study of this only started in the mid '80s. It didn't really catch on or even become mainstream until much later. You will find research papers covering new innovative treatment of co-occurring disorders from the late late '90s early 2000s.
If your doctor has been practicing for more than 30 years They may have a medical philosophy that is out of date. Yes they're supposed to be keeping up on new research but they are people and they form biases based on their experience (where they went to school and who they interned under). Doctors approach their practice through a philosophy of treatment. This is very slow to change and tends to require generational shifts.
If you got an old doctor that studied under a old doctor, and interned with an old doctor, you might have some very old ideas or misconceptions knocking around that practice That have nothing to do with diagnosis standards of today and everything to do with applying those standards.
It is and I gaslit myself for YEARS because I didn’t have outward facing rituals(did as a child, grew out of them when I left the traumatic home/school life that first made me develop OCD) but then I learned about Pure O. Or OCD that is entirely internal and I remember sobbing like a baby because of the validation.
I have pure O OCD as well. It started when I was 22 and I fell into depression because I thought the intrusive thoughts meant something. People had no idea what was going on in my head. That I was checking myself all the time to figure out if the intrusive thoughts were true. That there was a constant battle of chess in my head between me and my fucked up brain trying to one-up each other.
The first psychiatrist I went to just gave me some SSRI without any sort of diagnosis, telling me to "just chill". And the worst part is that the meds gave me horrible side effects so they didn't even help.
Sorry for second reply. What’s nice about the club tho is finding someone else in it. One of my best friends has both ADHD and OCD so because our brains work the same, we’ve been able to help the other out of ADHD and OCD spirals and we don’t have to ever be “on” with each other because the other understands.
It’s so nice to have people that get you. Almost all of my friends that I still have from childhood got diagnosed with ADHD/autism as adults and we’re like…. Yeah maybe that’s why we stayed friends lol
I can totally relate. Just got diagnosed with something else because I did well enough until high school and even sometimes after. But it’s only been at times when everything else was taken care of for me (housing, food etc) and I could focus on the school work. Anytime I was on my own I fell apart. As an adult it’s been so hard. I’ve been scraping by my whole adult life.
I can see how hard it was OP feeling like your own struggles went unseen. I feel unseen by people who think I can’t possibly have adhd and just should be able to snap out of whatever is going on.
This is me too. Depression on top of ADHD because being totally dysfunctional as an adult is depressing af. Medication kind of helps, but for me it was never the on/off switch that some sufferers describe. Then add the absurd insult of the medication shortage to it and I was toast. I let my therapy slide and now I’m unmedicated and getting back on track is a major mountain of a hassle and problem.
I had a so called therapist tell me for someone with adhd they’ve never seen someone so clean. If you were to talk to my mom she would tell you that my room was upside down till the age of 23. Something flipped in me and i became obsessed with having a hotel esthetic bedroom and cleanliness. That continued and became part of me. I now clean to avoid tasks and avoid hard things. Medication has helped me stop procrastinating my job and sit down and focus without abandoning post to clean or organize or work on my finances (another obsession of mine). They have a very basic idea of what adhd is and for women it becomes harder when you grew up masking and copying others behaviors in order to fit in. To this day i struggle with my identity as i was always told i talked too much, too opinionated, outspoken, and annoyed people. As an adult everyone enjoys talking to me and my presence but i tend to struggle with friendships as i always feel like they secretly hate me bc of how i express myself to them and my bluntness when talking to them or advising them. I knew something was off, always did, sometimes self diagnosing is important to get the help you didn’t as a child. Other times it’s people who want to stimulus from the medication to help push them to that A+ rather than that A.
I’m vacationing in Crete right now and I was terrified my Rx was going to be confiscated. No way in hell I was navigating these busses and boats without my Vyvanse lol.
I’m sorry it’s been such a struggle for you :(
The busses and boats are a struggle. In all honesty, not even us locals can make sense of the schedule, simply because said schedule is merely a suggestion. By the way, most drivers consider road signs and the highway code as a suggestion as well, and there's a lot of drunks driving, so please be careful.
I'm sorry you had to go through that, some psychiatrists are shitty as fuck. I had a therapist who started to flirt with me one day, I thought they were joking, but then they started to actually text me daily and I ended up just switching therapists.
You can have multiple people with adhd that have different symptoms - my friend with diagnosed adhd also never had issues with keeping friends for example. I get that it sucks some people fake having it, but on the other hand, someone’s self-diagnoses doesn’t take away from mine.
Yeah this too. My ex was also adhd and he saw him self as “superior adhd”because he had the classic symptoms and treated mine as if it didn’t really affect me. I thought dating someone with it too would be nice because they understood but it was worse than someone without.
Lol my ex with adhd gatekept it from me, and that contributed to me not getting on meds that make my life so much better for another 3ish years. Funnily enough, he later decided he was probably autistic instead and not adhd 💀
LOL love that for him 😂😂 we suspected my ex was somewhere on the spectrum as well but never diagnosed. He definitely had wicked adhd that couldn’t be denied either.
Yeah, people present their symptoms differently, which is annoying when people fake it, but fr some people who don’t look like they have the same struggles may be presenting in a diff way.
I have an official diagnosis (late diagnosis) and I (thought) I was good at masking the outward symptoms. Really I was isolating a lot and burning myself out bc it felt like everything was on hard mode. I’ve done a lot professionally and in school, but that was bc I liked school. Don’t get me started on the last minute cramming. But other people who didn’t know me well would just see the mask, not the racing thoughts and executive dysfunction that was making me miserable. When I finally went to a doctor it was VERY clear that I’ve been dealing w this my whole life, I just masked where/when I could bc it was a survival issue. (Not for nothing, but i think being a WOC feeds into that as well)
Tl:dr - people who fake a diagnosis are annoying but people do present their symptoms differently
Unpopular opinion, but have you ever considered that getting decent grades, keeping friends, managing having a job etc, and maintaining the illusion that you are a regular person who doesn't struggle while being neurodivergent is a) a big reason why people go undiagnosed, because others, including medical professionals don't see anything 'wrong', and b) may be a reason for gaslighting oneself, since you are 'managing', right? And if you REALLY had adhd you wouldn't be able to stay (barely) afloat like that.
It's not a race and everyone is different. There is no point comparing you to anyone else. I'm 40 now. I have tried to get diagnosed with ADHD over 15 years ago, and although I scored really high it was mostly dismissed as anxiety and depression. I found out last year by doing a lot of research that I am most likely audhd. People always seem to think that I got it all sorted out. Between feeling like I'm perpetually 12, all alone, and the only thing keeping me alive is my maladaptive daydreaming, I am really not doing so well. But damn, my masking skills are great. The mask is so great, that I have no idea how to take it off and ask for the help I desperately need.
I'm diagnosed with ADHD and suspect AuHD and I feel this SO deeply. The people around me think that I'm doing so well. When in reality, I feel like I'm working way harder to achieve the things that other people do with less effort. I actually said to a friend once "I feel like I think more than other people do". As in, to achieve the same outcome, I'm exhausting my brain all the time with all of these random possibilities that don't even occur to others, and it pops up in the most random ways.
I feel this too. I also recently realised a big part of this is because I misunderstand and miss so much in social interactions. For someone who thinks they have a high IQ and EQ, that was a very hard pill to swallow.
It's really showing up for me now because I really want to start dating. But apps don't do it for me, and I can never tell when someone is into me in real life. Like, my friends will tell me that someone was flirting with me based on how I describe our interactions, but I just don't see it. And I don't know how to see it. Unless if I'm told directly, I assume that the person is just being friendly.
Are you me? I always pick the worst partners for me too. Ideally , I could bring someone to accompany me on dates to tell me if my date seems like a good choice or not...
Completely agree. I was on track to be a doctor (long story short until I ended up in an abusive relationship and had a whole mental breakdown), and was a college athlete, all while undiagnosed with anything. My parents told me no to therapy and that it was in my head, but I knew I needed help. Years later, a few jobs where I also had full mental breakdowns and cried multiple times a week because I was so overwhelmed. I struggled silently, so ever saw me as successful.
Finally at 28, with my own insurance and autonomy, I went to therapy, I got my diagnosis’ and I’m finally doing better. I feel like the person I masked as for my whole my life.
So sorry to hear that 😔 but glad to hear things improved. Were you also under your parents' control waaay longer than is 'normal', yet they failed to see you have a disability?
Spot on 😅. After I finally got away from my abusive ex, I was in a full blown depression either truly all the classic signs and they even believed I was fine then.
After my adhd diagnosis, I’ve been teaching them a lot about it and they’re seeing the things that were missed repeatedly not by just them but even my teachers. But this just circles back around to the diagnostic criteria only outlined out for boys.
Hope you’re doing well and your diagnosis has helped you overcome ❤️
>may be a reason for gaslighting oneself, since you are 'managing', right? And if you REALLY had adhd you wouldn't be able to stay (barely) afloat like that.
this.
i was constantly just told i was either lazy or just not applying myself (which this is true but alot more nuanced) so i never got diagnosed when i needed it the most and just assumed i was just "quirky & different" back then...nope just undiagnosed.
i finally got diagnosed in my 30s and it was definitely eye opening. i still struggle with it bcuz i chose to remain unmedicated and dont have some of the struggles i read in this sub. there's no use comparing atp, it just makes life harder than it already is especially for us.
Yup I’m one of those described too except people didn’t see the way I stayed up late into the night doing my homework because I procrastinated and then crashed and napped for 3 hours the moment I got home. The way I cried on the way home because friendships were so hard. Or the state of my bedroom as my family would make fun of my mess and the way it would spill out of my bedroom or I’d mess up another clean and uncluttered space in another part of the house because I was naturally attracted to using simplified spaces but didn’t know how to maintain my own.
The only thing I would get in trouble for was being late every morning to school. I would literally sync my watch to the school alarms so that I would walk into class the moment the bell rang (during the school day during class switches. I was always late for the first class regardless)
But not to discredit my family, they did pick up a lot of my “slack” that allowed me to mask so much outside of the home. Because as soon as I moved out of my parents, I basically couldn’t mask anymore and even lost my job.
I did a degree that was mostly project based. I basically almost failed any class that had required readings because I just could not focus on boring reading material. But projects I could nail over an all nighter haha.
I missed every 8:30 or 9:30 morning lecture during university and got barely passes in those classes while scoring A’s in all of the project based courses.
I would be in deep debt if my parents hadn’t bailed me out multiple times. Now my husband handles all the finances and I have to set up my own spending rules or I will impulse spend like there’s no tomorrow. I spent every penny when I got my first office job and I wanted to rip my eyes out having to stay in an office 8 hours a day.
Wasn’t diagnosed until I was 35. Tried multiple times and constantly told that I just had anxiety. But when I treated my anxiety the adhd symptoms only got worse. My husband kept pushing me to get a diagnosis because he saw how much it was affecting me at home. I’ve got such a good one and another reason I appear to have it so put together. He is my executive function.
People are shocked when I tell them I have adhd. I ask them if I’ve ever invited them over to my house. They will be like no I haven’t and I’m like that’s because all my symptoms are hidden from public view. I still don’t like anyone coming over because it feels like they will see everything and their perception of me will be drastically changed.
But now that I’m medicated I’m starting to chip away at different projects around the home and hoping to open up to people soon because I do enjoy making deep vulnerable connections and working through not letting my home prevent that even when I can’t make it perfect.
My bedroom floor literally had a path from the door to my bed almost all the time except for when I was forced to clean it or sudden inspiration hit me & I cleaned it all up. And then back to a mess.
I'm so burnt out & stressed at the moment that things have gotten away from me at home and the garage/laundry floor is about 90% mess and I'd say that easily 50% of the rest of the floor space in the house has mess & stuff covering it. Paperwork, daughters artwork, toys, bags, clothes, even groceries sitting in bags on the kitchen floor that just never make it into the pantry they are sitting right next to.
Haha yea or the way my bed would be filled with clothes during the day and shoved towards the end of the bed or to my desk chair at night so I could sleep. And then dumped back on the bed when I needed to use my desk if I hadn’t abandoned it because it was completely covered.
The only times I’m motivated to “clean” is when I think of a new furniture configuration because it turns into a new project and a new room! But then that’s when all the doom boxes are created and shoved into another room.
Doom boxes is such an apt name for them! I have so many from where tidying has had to happen but I haven't had time (ok I had the time, I just didn't do it in time).
But yeah clothes dumped onto the bed to find what you want from the basket or because i need the basket for the wet washing, then shoved to the floor at bed time is my go to move.
Yeah, I achieved all these things and then burned out and became so chronically ill that I can't even walk to my local shops without a mobility scooter. Nobody would have suspected a thing when I was a teenager as I was a perfect little bookworm lol
It’s so demoralising. We deal with enough comments about this condition without people on the inside turning on us as well. I’ve struggled and am one of these people OP has talked about in their post who looks like it’s all being held together. I’m nearly a year into waiting for an assessment after deliberating for a year beforehand about it.
I didn’t struggle earlier on in school to get good grades but that stopped when it became A levels. My coping mechanism was cutting my arms to pieces but yeah I totally look like I’ve got it together.
My point is you don’t know someone’s struggle by looking at them and it’s really unfair to just dismiss self diagnosed people like that.
I started self harming when I first had to join the work force after finishing uni. We may have a different threshold, but we all reach it at some point. It took me over a decade to become somewhat stable with employment, and I still burn out every 2-4 years. But hey, I usually 'function', so nobody cares.
damn, you know what... that's when I started, too!!
I had always thought it was a specific relationship trigger at the time that had caused it, but it hindsight, it was probably a combo of that plus the fact that I'd just moved 6000 miles away from home to my special interest country to work basically the first job I'd ever had in my life
nearly ten years later, currently in the longest job I've ever held down, and approaching that two year burnout mark 😅
Yep!! I’m 27 now and still waiting on an assessment now to get diagnosed. When I was a kid, my parents suspected ADD and used to joke about me having it but the only thing they did was pull me off red dye. In high school and college, I didn’t struggle with grades, punctuality, motivation, organization, etc. only in the last couple of years as an adult has it been debilitating for me. I just came to terms with it at the beginning of the year after months of imposter syndrome.
Oh, I also have a parent who proudly proclaimed 'well, if I got you assessed as a child you'd been diagnosed with something for sure'.
Then why didn't you, mum, why didn't you...
My god, this. “I knew something was wrong” and “yeah, that makes sense” after every damn diagnosis.
Oh really? Really?
They did a brain scan when I was 1 months old, results were abnormal brain waves. They prescribed anti-epilepsy medication (which was forgotten about and ultimately stopped), and that’s as far as it went until I hit 17, and completely broke.
I’ve spent my adult life trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and slightly angry at my mum for not pushing it more when I was kid. If you knew there was ‘something’ why didn’t you push it?
Have you read invisible women? The entire book is listing out the way in which women are not considered in this world. The world is built for men like a mailman is the default word for the person who delivers now and the default is The Man. Take that and apply that to absolutely everything. Scientific data from medication testing doesn’t involve women. Criteria for diagnostics of ADHD may not include women. My point is that as women are getting adult ADHD diagnoses and yet they don’t show any symptoms and childhood, it’s an indicator that the criteria for, diagnosis is also still severely lacking in my opinion. I hypothesize that there will be an adult ADHD diagnosis down the line, as so many of us don’t have a connection to our childhood.
Hey, I've just finished reading "Small Talk", second book by the couple that run the @adhd_love Instagram account. If you are looking to try and process these ADHD imposter feelings, I cannot recommend it enough. It is kind, funny, sad and really highlights the lived experience of adult late diagnosed ADHDers. Best wishes to you, I hope this is something to help you on the journey 🫶
My surroundings are extremely clean due to my OCD but I am absolutely exhausted. I’ve also met multiple women with ADHD who are high achievers academically but they still reek of neurodiversity to me so I wish people would stop othering each other in this community.
This was 100% my experience trying to get diagnosed. The first time I went through neuropsychological testing they told me it was just anxiety and depression, because I “made eye contact”, “had a graduate degree”, and “had many friends”. They couldn’t see the systems I put in place to try to be successful and how mentally taxing all of it was. It’s like yeah, ok I do have my master’s and am licensed as a counselor but also, in graduate school/college/high school I would procrastinate until the last minute, pull all nighters to get stuff done, and struggled with sitting down and actually studying. How my apartment was never consistently clean. How when I would try to clean it, I would get overwhelmed and stop. How my car was consistently always dirty. How I needed 2-3 cups of coffee a day to actually start being productive. I was always late everywhere, so I started adjusting the clocks to be 13-15 minutes ahead to try and get somewhere on time. And don’t even get me started about how things were socially. I was lucky to find fellow ostracized weirdos and become friends for life. Because I got good grades and on paper looked fine, it took a long time to finally get diagnosed as AuDHD and didn’t happen until I turned 30. Which, now being on meds has changed my entire life and made it way easier to operate. It’s so sad that lack of knowledge about how this stuff comes up for AFAB individuals impacts their ability to get support from professionals who should know better.
God damn did this hit me hard. I'm 29 and was officially diagnosed with ADHD by my therapist last spring and after lots of research I am also beginning to believe I'm most likely AuDHD. I think the biggest reason I didn't get diagnosed earlier is BECAUSE I was so "well adapted" and "high functioning". Which makes me laugh out loud internally because boy if they only knew the absolute shit show going on internally to keep that mask up and running for the whole world to see.
Like you, I literally don't even know how to remove the mask. It's been my entire life and I feel like it's all I know and I can't separate my true identity from my mask identity because it feels like I've learned to identify with my masking, so it's terrifying to think of anything else and has led to some serious quarter life crisis feelings.
OP's post kind of triggered me because I've always been so obsessed with other people's opinions of me and being so concerned that people would think I'm "faking it" (it being my mental health issues) because of how well I mask to the outside world. When in reality, I feel like a chameleon that actually has no real identity and whose life is just a series of performative actions and responses curated to please the people around me.
Whew lord, sorry for that absolute word vomit, but your response had me feeling so seen 🥺
I have both a diagnosis AND huge imposter syndrome because I’m ‘managing’! I’m 37, I got this far without any great struggles, I don’t have diagnosis alphabet soup in my medical records, unmanageable debt, a house that looks like a hoarder’s, addiction and substance abuse problems… but a psychiatrist with decades of experience and who specialises in adult diagnosis said I have it. 🤷🏼♀️
So much this. I got diagnosed after I started seeing a new female doctor and wanted a referral for possible depression. After a 15-20 minute “chat” about things, she was like yea let me talk to you about something else instead (ADHD)…and if this doesn’t help then we’ll look at depression meds.
This is me. So much so that I didn’t even see it until my therapist suggested it as an option (even though 2 of my brothers and my dad are diagnosed). Now i know i have it but telling other people I’m met with skepticism. You never really know what’s going on inside someone’s head. I outwardly am quite put together but inside is an absolute mess.
"Look, I know some people do not have the money to go to a doctor and get the proper diagnose" also, depending where you live, current wait times to have an ADHD assessment can be INSANELY long. I don't live in the USA and in my region, if you want to use the public system for an assessment, the current wait time is about 4 years. I know this wasn't the main point of your rant, but I thought it was worth noting that there can be multiple reasons why people might not be getting properly assessed, these days.
I agree, it can be hard to take some "self-diagnosed" folk seriously, considering that there are certainly some individuals who are hypochondriacs and others who do have mental differences but many, many things (like depression, or bipolar or anxiety or hormonal imbalances, etc.) can look like ADHD to someone who is not a trained professional. I go to a support group where, understandably, "self- diagnosed" ADHD people are welcome and a few of them are so high-functioning that I do wonder if they actually have ADHD. On the other hand, I did listen to one podcast recently (sorry, can't remember which... I listen to so many!) in which the MD interviewed said that in her experience, it was very rare for someone to self-diagnose and then get assessed and find that they don't have it. According to her, if you are sure you have ADHD, it's highly likely that you do.
I'm in this boat too.
I'm in UK. So far I've spoken to an adhd specialist who recommended I go for proper diagnosis and my Dr who has put me forward for full diagnosis... So now I'm in a queue that's at least 2 years long.
When the specialist asked me why I thought I may have adhd I remember one of the things I said was "my dad is SO stereotypically adhd... And at least 3 of my friends were just diagnosed adhd... So I dunno, maybe I don't and I'm just used to hanging around with adhd people?"
Her response?... "adhd people drift towards each other. If a lot of your friends have adhd, it's likely that you do too and that a big part of your friendship is that you can keep up with each other".
Made me feel way less Imposter Syndrome-y
All my friends are either autistic or have ADHD. I'm autistic and waiting for my adhd assessment (have been told by a general psychiatrist I have adhd, but he couldn't officially diagnose me).
ND folks move in packs, like weird wolves ;)
This is something that I have found, I am so much more naturally comfortable around ADHD people. Including people who have gotten diagnosed after we met
I'm also in the UK and I've been on this dawned wait list since 2019. My fault ig for doing it just before the pandemic hit.
I'm tempted to just shell out the grand it would take to get privately assessed just to get the support at this point.
I've been having this funny thing lately where I tell an unevaluated person about a particular ADHD experience that I have and their eyes get wide and they're like "wait, can you repeat that? Because I've been told the same". And I'm not talking things like "I never know where I put my keys" (I actually always know where my keys are and was told during my eval that I have OCD traits). It's things like "every boss I've ever had has told me that they don't know what's going on in my mind, although I always produce good work by the end of a project". I have the hardest time figuring out what information I need to give colleagues to "bring them along on the journey", so to speak. And it's actually a major issue in my professional life. And when I share it sometimes really resonates with people who I immediately got on well with upon meeting them.
Oh my God the getting things out of my brain and into a report or conversation is such a struggle. It's strange because things sometimes just make sense in my head and I have such difficulty articulating why because isn't it obvious? The logic logics, so why do I need to step you through this?
Holy crap I totally get that.
I don't think it's ever been SAID to me in that way, but I know I definitely have an issue deciphering between "relevant information" and "irrelevant work-in-progress information".
Like what do my coworkers NEED to know, and what information is only relevant to the person actually doing the job and I'd end up just getting cut off mid sentence and belittled for rambling (which has also happened).
I know it's absolutely cost me at least one job opportunity - I had to do a test motion graphics video and then had an interview where I had to pitch my test.
So in the interview they asked to see the video... So I showed them the video.
I also had style frames, storyboards and other supporting work, but because they didn't ask to see them, I thought they didn't WANT to see them.
Didn't get the job because (paraphrasing in a maths addage): They liked my answer, but I hadn't shown my workings.
But they didn't tell me this until 2 weeks later when they'd already squared the job away to someone else.
I'm in France, and it's the same. But I can't even get a referral cause there are no ADHD specialist in my area. I would have to drive two hours to get to a bigger city. So it's not happening. So please, stop criticizing the self-diagnosed people.
My best friends has ADHD but she's American so she was diagnosed when she was a teen. Here we are 30 years later and I still can't get a diagnosis.
Just to add: I do think the difference with the MD is (saying this as a psychologist that does a lot of ND assessments) the people who research and then are very sure that their symptoms fit the symptoms of ADHD AND then take the step to a doctor/psychologist/psychiatrist have done thorough research. It’s usually an ongoing process of a year or longer before they are sure enough to go and verify it with a professional. So the ones we actually see in our practice are usually correct in that their experience is neurodivergent (sometimes the actual ND flavor is different from what they expect though).
So if it’s just “I saw a tiktok and I’m so ADHD” then no. If the story just starts with a TikTok but then keeps going for a long bit, then it’s more likely. But before I got diagnosed myself I also didn’t tell many people because I didn’t want to be judged for “self-diagnosing”.
Mine started with memes/tiktok. At first it was "lol I do that too". After a while I was legit looking around to find the hidden cameras someone placed all over my life. Then somebody posted the ADHD iceberg. Felt like it looked me up and down before it analyzed my whole existence.
I started on TikTok. It was feeding me autism stuff and that didn't feel right and then I landed on ADHD. Suddenly I had names for things I had experienced in my life. I spoke to my pcp about a mental health referral because of it (she at first dismissed me with a 'well, isn't everyone like that?)
I spoke to my spouse, my mom and some friends about my suspicions, but not a lot.
As Brit in this situation I agree. I didn’t even give it a thought. I thought ADHD was unruly little boys, not middle aged women like me. It explains why I’m such a nob, lol, but I certainly didn’t do it to be in the In Crowd. I don’t advertise the fact , I just COPE.
I’m in Canada as well, and my psychotherapist literally told me not to bother with waiting to get diagnosed, the wait where I am is 3-5 years, and I have all the hallmarks of ADHD, so we are proceeding in therapy as though I have ADHD. You don’t need a diagnosis to proceed with therapy for ADHD, or to get medication.
I understand how OP feels, sometimes it’s hard to struggle with something and then see someone act is though they have that struggle, but clearly don’t. For me, however, I know that the healthcare system in Ontario is absolutely broken, and mental health is at the bottom of the list. If someone thinks they have ADHD, and they want to try and fix that, I’m ok with them saying “I have ADHD”, especially if that helps them.
And not just getting access to assessment, but a proper one as well.
The first psychiatrist I saw specifically for ADHD diagnosis, didn't think I had it, because I didn't show the "classic" symptoms in childhood (I had friends and got good grades, so if I had claimed to have ADHD at that age, I would have fitted in with the fakers OP describes). When I was later sent to a center for autism and ADHD for autism assessment, they diagnosed me with both.
Yeah I second this, I’m not officially diagnosed and live in the UK where you either wait 3 years minimum for free assessment or dish out hundreds and hundreds of pounds (I’m a student and can’t afford this), that said I have had several counsellors I’ve had the opportunity to see through my uni just whip out the ADHD assessment and ask me the questions secretly after 15 mins of talking to me lmao.
I do think, also, when I was in school I appeared more high functioning because I wasn’t the typical image of ADHD and I had to exhaust myself trying to sort my shit out, which wasn’t reasonable and I eventually got burnt out. I think it’s more noticeable now I’m older and have gained confidence (used to be very shy and now I can’t shut up, I have real issues with interrupting ppl because the thoughts just kinda fly around) and live by myself. The only thing that stood out in school was doing all my work in a major stress last minute but because it was easier I still did well, and every other week I’d have detention after school for being late and I had no idea how lol
Yep. Have been through 4 ‘pre-assessments’ which got me a referral for an actual diagnostic assessment. Currently on a 2-3 year waiting list. I was already on a waiting list for 18 months, but had to move house and so they moved me to another clinic, where I had to join a new waiting list from the bottom. Also pretty sure when it comes to reviewing my case they will deny me the assessment, as I was honest about using marijuana occasionally for insomnia, and I’ve since found out that admitting to using any recreational drugs at all means an automatic refusal to discuss your case. If I want to go private it is a waiting list of approx 9 months and a cost of approx £2k.
If someone has made a self diagnosis in good faith, and followed relevant diagnostic criteria as best as they can, I have no problem accepting their diagnosis. If it was a friend or a coworker, I'd want to provide them with whatever reasonable accommodations they think will help them live a happier life. The barriers to a professional diagnosis are very real.
Of course, people can behave in bad faith when claiming to have an illness or disability. People can flippantly claim to have a disorder with understanding it.
People who have been diagnosed by a psychiatrist can ALSO use ADHD as an excuse for bad behaviour. People with diagnosed ADHD can also judge other people with ADHD too harshly if they have different symptoms or severity.
Had a friend who '***had***' OCD, BPD, ADHD, ASD but officially diagnosed with none. They went to multiple psychiatrists to try get the diagnosis but none of them gave it.
On the other hand, my boyfriend uses ADHD as an excuse to not work on his interrupting/rudeness (Work in progress)
I think it's valid to judge because what are humans but to judge and gossip sometimes, but not having the empathy to feel how the other feels about your behaviour is what makes you a bad person.
(ADHD judging self diagnosed without considering the symptoms that make them think they have it.
ADHD vs. ADHD their executive dysfunction is so bad it looks like laziness because yours isn't that bad)
Letting people feel annoyed is one thing I think is valid but letting them continue life without considering the inner workings of others is a disservice.
We really do ourselves a disservice when we keep believing in this whole 'people with ADHD can't be successful' 'people with ADHD can't do well in school' narrative. You do not know that someone doesn't have ADHD just because you don't see it. I'm diagnosed. I have three college degrees and ran circles around my neurotypical classmates, that doesn't mean I don't hyperfocus so hard I don't sleep or that I can do laundry or initiate tasks. I had friends mostly just because I wasn't a dick and had some things in common with all groups of people, definitely not from my ability to have normal social interactions.
Everyones experience with ADHD is unique. You're allowed to be frustrated with yours, but that doesn't make it okay to shame other people for their diagnostic journey or access to healthcare, nor should 'fakespottong' be something we engage in in this community.
You seem very young, so I don’t want to be harsh. But in the substance abuse recovery world, we often remind each other: Keep your own side of the street clean, and let your neighbor worry about theirs. I’ve found that to be good advice in just about every area of my life, but especially when it comes to mental health. Getting bogged down by comparison and gatekeeping is usually just a roadblock to your own recovery.
Part of the issue is that everyone experiences some symptoms of ADHD at times. When a NT is under stress they're going to lose their keys. So people see crap on social media and think, Oh, that's me.
If it was just losing your keys and forgetting stuff or being a bit messy or struggling in college then everyone would have ADHD. This is where self diagnosis is annoying.
But a lot of us with a late diagnosis did self diagnose first. And for some of us, making phone calls is next to impossible so even trying to navigate a shitty system doesn't happen for a long, long time. My first appointment had to be made by a friend.
Distress. That's the defining factor. How much distress do the symptoms cause you?
I had a rage inducing conversation with a woman at a flea market last year. I didn't even tell her that I had ADHD. I just said that my brain doesn't function properly. It started related to car keys. I wear mine around my neck. She snarked at me about how she loses her keys frequently. I gave a short response but what I wanted to say is...
"Do you lose your keys multiple times everyday? Does it cause you to have a complete meltdown? Do you spend the rest of the day hating yourself? Do you feel like a child because you just CANNOT ever leave the house without forgetting something? Does it spiral out of control and ruin your entire day?". No? Then leave me TF alone with that shit.
Add to all that the meds we take. Everyone is going to feel more functional, more energetic and more on top of things on stimulants. That's why they're abused.
Obviously, ADHD is a spectrum and just because you don't deal with the above scenario doesn't mean you don't have ADHD. But do your symptoms cause distress? Routinely? Throughout your lifetime?
And again, social media makes it seem like fun, quirky behavior. A "superpower"🤮
People want to feel special. And ADHD is "popular" now. But most of us that actually have it would give just about anything to be "normal". I know I've tried to make a deal with the devil many times to make this shit go away!
>I know it's never good comparing yourself ADHD or no ADHD, but damn.
Well you're right about that
>I saw how easy it was for them
How did you see someone else's struggle or lack thereof? How?? Bet you also looked like you were coping fine to others.
I’m officially diagnosed but have lots of friends, got good grades without medication and many people would say I have no issue overcoming it… if you just look from the outside. Is my ADHD also invalid because it looks different than yours or does my sheet of paper suddenly make it ok for me to have both struggles and successes?
You sound super young so I don’t want to be harsh, but ADHD is a spectrum and we all look a little different. You also have no idea whether the person “has no issues overcoming it” when you’re looking from the outside and you have no idea what barriers the person has to seeking or obtaining a diagnosis, whether it be financial, logistical, or emotional.
Finally, please have some compassion for other young people! Being a teenager is incredibly difficult for everyone and mental health issues have skyrocketed across the board. Diagnosing yourself with a mental disorder is a clear call for help, whether the child ends up correct about what is wrong. Everyone is just doing their best on this planet!
Please try to adjust your attitude about this issue. Whether other people self diagnose has fuck-all to do with you and this mindset only hurts you. There will always be someone better, smarter, richer and better looking than you and sometimes that person might also have ADHD. Or only be self-diagnosed, or have a trust fund, or whatever leg up they have, and that’s still ok. It’s just life. Mr. Rogers likes you just the way you are, friend ❤️
Now mind you, that was just me, but I went in feeling the same.
I wasn‘t sure if paying more on my monthly health insurance for a full year would be worth it, given I wasn‘t even sure I had ADHD. I had been managing so far (27y/o at the time), right?
With health insurance it cost me about 3‘000 Swiss francs (about the same in €/US$). Without.. like 3x the amount. insane.
Before telling me my diagnosis (or lack thereof), my therapist asked, what I thought it would be. Mind you, the assessment had been two months of basically weekly sessions; anamnesis, tests, questionnaires.
My answer? „not too sure, I‘d guess either slightly above or slightly below the threshold for diagnosis“
My therapist chuckled and told me about being a bit off. I meet the criteria for moderate to severe ADHD. And MDD (no surprise). Him chuckling was ok because, oh boy was I far off but also, because he has the same diagnoses himself.
Long story short: I wasn‘t sure. It was really expensive. I don‘t regret a thing. Meds and therapy have really been helping me, but not as much as knowing more about what‘s going on within me, lessening the blame I put on myself.
Dude I'm going to be so real with you, I tell everyone who asks me about the diagnostic process.
You really won't be considered for diagnosis unless you show some symptoms. Also it's the self doubt that really tips me off when I think someone has it too.
Even though I'm diagnosed I sometimes wonder if I'm "faking it" and I don't actually have it, in the end a diagnosis is really a step toward getting better, if you have it then your road stops there, if you don't, carry on to the next step.
It's just giving yourself answers and dulling down your self doubt.
I also often have the fear that I’m secretly “faking it” despite being professionally diagnosed. I usually try to negate this by asking myself “why would I fake something that actively makes my life harder and makes me miserable?” It works sometimes.
Can I share the perspective of my therapist that really helped me overcome that fear?
I had been seeing her for about half a year before she suggested I might have ADHD (news to me!) and I had the same fear. It's so expensive, and if you don't get a diagnosis, is that a waste?
She kept reminding me that it's still incredibly important because either a) you have it, now you get to sort that huge part of your life out, or b) you don't have it, and that's just as valuable to know because it ticks off a massive potential cause for a lot of your traumas, and you can now put that to rest and focus on digging deeper into root causes for said traumas.
After those conversations, I did book my assessment, and yes I do have ADHD, but I also felt ready to accept if I didn't, and pivot the direction our therapy sessions may have then taken.
The first time I saw a psychiatrist I scored 79 on my wender-utah exam and was told I was "just depressed" because I had symptoms of anhedonia. (like not being able to focus on tv shows I was watching lmao)
I saw a second psychiatrist who actually specialized in ADHD, and she immediately could tell I had ADHD and easily differentiated between depressive and psychotic symptoms and the common ADHD manifestations of poor self-concept and self regulation.
The wild difference in care and quality between psychiatrists makes it absolutely terrifying to get diagnosed. Especially since RSD is huge in ADHD. It was the biggest reason I put off diagnosis for years, and it caused me to be depressed for a week after I saw the first psychiatrist because I was truly doubting myself and my own lived experiences and was deeply impacted by the experience.
I will say though that it can veer too far in the other direction. My friend saw a psychiatrist at her college when she was having a mental breakdown after a breakup, told them she thought she had ADHD, they said "you don't test high enough for it but if you say you have it we'll diagnose you," and proceeded to immediately give her a 30mg prescription of IR Adderall. She ended up in the hospital after the first day because she overdosed and had a psychotic breakdown.
It sucks because she definitely is ND, possibly does have AuDHD, but struggles with high anxiety as well. Because of their lack of quality care she's scared to get treated any further.
I hate how it’s seen as a quirk now. I once had a boyfriend (ex now) who legitimately said “you shouldnt believe what they say on the internet, when you get ads about being diagnosed, those are fake.” Obviously implying that my diagnosis came from a TikTok that I found relatable even after seeing me take Ritalin every morning before class.
Another instance of (also a man btw) a person thinking that I said it to be “cute” was a friend from college. I told him that I was at work but I couldn’t get one task done and blamed my ADHD, and he goes on to say “you don’t have ADHD lol”.
Finally, the most recent occurrence of a situation like this was when I went to a tutor for help organizing my essay. I told him that it was all over the place and that I had random things highlighted but I had a color code system on what my highlight meant. I went on to say “sorry if this is confusing, my head is all over the place and I need help organizing my thoughts”. He didn’t say anything too obvious at first but I think he thought I was just trying to act cute. He goes on to say “we’re in a world where everyone has adhd “ .
I’ve noticed that it’s usually men who think it’s me trying to be cute. Most women accept it or even ask me about getting diagnosed because they feel that they relate to my issues. But I hate that it’s seen as a form of being “quirky”. It’s like saying I have been diagnosed with ADHD is the equivalent of being that main character in a rom-com who calls herself super clumsy.
OCD can literally take over your life and turn it into a nightmare. And the worst part is that your only enemy is your own brain and it knows all your thoughts and weaknesses. Which makes every intrusive thought especially tailored to you and the things that make you hate yourself.
I often repeat and tell them, “oh wow you have OCPD!” (Which is the obsessive compulsive personality disorder, which many people have when they say “I like/prefer neat.”
I love the people that decided I have OCD because I like CERTAIN thing organised CERTAIN way.
No, bob, there isn’t a compulsion, there isn’t an obsessive thought I’m trying to counter act, I just like the Pringles stacked in that particular order because it looks better!
I like things neat because my brain is chaotic 🤷♀️ and I can’t ‘see’ if my environment isn’t tidy.
I’m 37, and might have a form of adhd. But at this point I’m not sure what the point is of getting it diagnosed. I’m just living my life like I know something is possible wrong, but it’s not getting me down. And only two people know I feel like this. I never talk about it
I diagnosed myself after carefully watching my daughter for a decade and asking “why” and then being like “oh shit, I’m the tree and she’s the apple”. Took a deep dive into my own 40 year history and shit…she got it from me. I managed to get a masters despite all of this, but instead of studying like everyone else, I would get chipotle and go watch separate housewives and Gilmore girls reruns because I didn’t know how to study and couldn’t force myself to.
You don't know what's going on in their heads.
By all accounts in high school I looked normal and had a happy existence because I am good at masking while on the inside I was dealing with depression that was difficult to verbalize, ADHD that wasn't being adequately treated (and that I didn't even know about) and a general feeling of denial about my own mental state and hating myself to an extreme degree.
You also don't know who is self diagnosed until and unless they disclose it.
It can be really frustrating having your diagnosis seemingly thrown around and used to describe a completely normal situation, but keep in mind that many disabilities are invisible and many people are excellent at masking the darker and harder symptoms.
Yes, and they may feel too self-conscious or ashamed to share their more unmanageable symptoms. I made a mistake of sharing of my ADHD diagnosis with a coworker once and he immediately questioned me and said he didn’t believe I had it because I acted ‘normal’. The wild thing was he was also diagnosed with ADHD as a kid though he had a bad experience with it and meds so maybe that’s partially why he side-eyes the whole idea.
But when asked for examples, I couldn’t give much because some were too embarrassing (my messy apartment, my obsessive fanfic reading distraction) or detrimental to my professional face (the fact I spend half the day staring at my laptop screen pretending to work). So I came off sounding like I had really superficial and manageable symptoms.
I think your main mistake here is implying that adults do it for same reason as teens do and you look all 'self diagnosed' through lens of your experience.
Annoying person is annoying person, no matter their issues. And comparing yourself with annoying ones uses up your energy you could instead use to be inspired by people who you do appreciate, yourself included.
I tend to take seriously those people who take themselves seriously. No matter the age, just statistically more common in those 30+.
I don't ask for medical records when someone tells me they have/had cancer, depression nor for any other diagnosis. I go from assumption that they know why they told me whatever they told me and that they're being truthful.
However, they still have to be decent, kind people to be in my close circle and that their words matter to me :) jerks with diagnosis are still jerks and won't be allowed close (or will be expelled if jerkiness presents itself later).
Took me a lot of time to get to this point. Me understanding that someone has this or that doesn't equate to me keeping them close, especially not just BECAUSE they have this or that. It's not my burden to carry, and especially it's not my mission to help them - everyone is responsible for themselves, and accountable for their behaviour. Those who aren't anymore are not those people anymore, so again, not my burden.
At the beginning it hurt to even look at peers critically, but with time I came up to point of looking everyone like that. Last being my parents, and they got expelled from my circle.
Yes they have own traumas and issues, I understand generational trauma and we can talk all day which differential diagnoses they probably have. At the end of the day, they don't treat me respectfully or kind, so they had to go.
Distancing from peers and not giving a fuck about how they're doing was much much easier, in hindsight. Back then it was hard.
Focus on yourself and where you were and where you want to go, be inspired by some people, use others as example what not to become, learn from other people's mistakes and good moves, and also your own, and keep growing. For yourself, because you are living your life on your terms.
Oh and don't forget, if people talk about something, even if it's annoying, talks are happening and stuff is normalised. And remember, those who ask, have a chance to get what they ask for. Yes, maybe someone will 'falsely' get some accommodation, but at the end of the day, if accommodation helped them to be better at their job, I really don't see the problem. Eg wearing headphones in open office, turning table in different positions and whatever other stuff people might ask for.
Just join them and ask for what you need to help you cope better with working environment. Or school if you're still in there.
Squeaky wheel gets the grease ;)
I made it through HS, college and got accepted to medical school before being diagnosed. I would’ve never been diagnosed had I not done some self diagnosing that prompted my psych to consider that I had ADHD and not Bipolar 2. This was before I was a medical student so my knowledge was not far above the layman’s understanding of ADHD. Sometimes they aren’t great at narrowing in on diagnoses without the patient doing some self diagnosing that prompts them to work it up further. I am now a third year medical student with severe adhd that makes things a hell of a lot harder for me than if I was neurotypical, but you’d never know it from how well I mask and hide my struggles. Now I have to fight like hell to get testing accommodations because the medical licensing board seems to think my ADHD must not have been bad if I got into med school.
I also found out first hand how difficult it is to receive equitable care when I lost my parents insurance and went on Medicaid. It became impossible to continue the therapy and psych care I had established. I had to go through hell just to get the meds I had been taking for years. The barriers to care, especially specialized care from a psychiatrist or neuropsychologist cannot be understated. If you have grown up with access to all of your healthcare needs you don’t realize how challenging it is for the underserved until you’re one of them. People living in poverty are far less likely to be properly worked up for these things and less likely to seek out care until it is life threatening.
Further I just don’t see the point of worrying about who does and doesn’t have ADHD unless you are a clinician. Its a harmful mindset to promote.
It took me over 10 years of trying before I finally got a diagnosis and having to read posts like this disparaging self diagnosis during that time was honestly so discouraging and hurtful. It still stings really. I realize your experience is different than mine and you're just venting so I'm not upset at you I just thought I would share my feelings.
Ok, devils advocate here
Actually, no , that's not right. This is more so for those who had no choice but to adapt. Not those who just wanted to use a legitimate illness to be "quirky."
I was always able to keep friends and maintain relationships. So I'm aware we are all on different spectrums. I think family pressure and hyper awareness can sometimes make it seem like many of us have it together. I was always masking and correcting my behaviors. Always in my head about moving, speaking , "acting correctly." So it made it seem like I wasn't actually dying inside and needed help.
Like many others being in a structured school environment and succeeding academically meant I was "fine." It's so hard to get help when you mask good. Unfortunately, that causes issues with others who can't mask or don't mask. It makes them believe the others aren't suffering, but we are. Again, unfortunately, the environment I was in caused me to mask and self correct for my life so no one knew.
Diagnosed with ADHD here! I was able to maintain a mask of normalcy through high school and I had good grades up until college. You don't know what's going on in their lives. Sure, I had good grades, but I was anxious, depressed, burnt out, and suicidal.
I didn't get diagnosed until COVID coincided with my first year of college and my mask crumbled to dust.
You don't know these people. Get the fuck out of their business.
i chose not to talk too much about it because it’s a touchy subject and i don’t wanna discourage undiagnosed people. i have been self diagnosed for almost seven years because i got denied the diagnostic process. and now here i am, diagnosed twice, in two different countries lol.
I get it; for some of us (myself included), ADHD is a very real struggle that can make our lives literal hell, not a token diagnosis to be used to explain away a simple mistake or the butt of a joke. Net/net those people aren't your people. 🙄
I'm in the U.S. And while there is more conversation around mental health, the stigma still exists, especially in minority communities. I keep my a low-profile when it come sto discussing mu ADHD diagnosis as a WOC; I requested accommodations at work only when I was burnt out and it impacted my health.
If nothing else, social media can hopefully generate a more positive, fact-founded global conversation to increase awareness and create an online community of support for those that are suffering.
gotta say this comes across as pretty unnecessarily harsh and seems to include some personal issues that are unrelated to the subject matter of the un/self-diagnosed. you’re only holding yourself back with the frustration. good for you that you had access to testing in your area- not everyone is so lucky as your disclaimer mentioned. even with insurance and good providers for referrals, I’ve been on a waitlist for over 18months now. have some grace and focus on yourself.
I’m diagnosed ADHD and I excelled in school. Granted this is when school didn’t suck a lot of years ago, but. My point is adhd is like a spectrum and while I did well with the structure of school, I failed miserably in other areas.
Getting good grades and having ADHD is possible.
I've been formally diagnosed with ADHD yet never had any trouble getting good grades, because I Ioved school and had a good memory (school, and especially reading, pretty much was my special interest).
It helped that I grew up in an environment where the adults in my life did a great job of mitigating my ADHD symptoms without any of us realising they were doing it. My uniform was washed and ironed, my lunch was packed, everything I owned had name labels, I was rushed out the door at the right time, even if I'd decided that was the right moment to learn how to play a new musical instrument.
It was only once I hit the workforce that I realised how much my ADHD would have held me back if my family weren't so supportive.
The rest of my life though? A total dumpster fire.
Honestly feel bad for people who are still figuring things out when I read stuff like this. If it hadn't been for social media during covid, and being to self identify, I never would have got my diagnosis at 37 last year. If I had been shut down by things like this I might still be really struggling. Hopefully noone in that situation reads stuff like this and is deterred, that is harmful. Just to consider that side of it. I definitely don't personally feel that those people make my own situation or getting treatment any more difficult.
I’m 28 - took me until two years ago to get diagnosed and all started with a self-diagnosis. I’d been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but reading online one day about how ADHD presents in women changed everything. suddenly, the way that I’d felt my entire life made sense. it shouldn’t have taken this long, though.
I was an honors student in high school, very high-functioning but always stressed, writing papers at 5am the day they were due, etc. I burned out very quickly in college - now I know that my severe depression at that time was exacerbated by ADHD. being on my own for the first time and having a less regimented schedule made a lot of my struggles much more apparent.
I had to figure it out on my own as an adult. Looking back, I have had the obvious symptoms of ADHD (mostly inattentive-type) since I was a child, but it was never recognized or addressed. I would get reprimanded for leaving my homework in my backpack in the hallway and not bringing it into the classroom, I’d leave my lunchbox on the playground all the time, but I was a “gifted” kid and got good grades. meanwhile, I was silently struggling for years and always felt like I was different from most of the other kids I went to school with.
all this to say - I understand your perspective, but not everyone is lucky enough to get a diagnosis at a young age. also, a lot of us are pros at masking our struggles. I’m willing to give anyone who thinks they may have ADHD the benefit of the doubt as they go on a self-diagnosis journey.
I know it’s not easy to get a diagnoses for a lot of people. I was diagnosed at 30.
If someone has done their research and genuinely thinks they have it, I don’t see the issue with self-diagnosis.
I don't have an official diagnosis, and from the outside I look pretty damn put together. I look like I have it all made, and every single day of that is killing me. It takes every ounce energy and mental capacity that I have in me to get through the day. I don't know if your friends did or didn't have it or any people who are self-diagnosed, but I will caution that the people who look like they have it all together maybe dying inside because of it.
While it's great to be in tune with yourself, diagnosing ADHD on your own might miss the mark; getting a pro opinion ensures accuracy and helps in figuring out the best ways to tackle it.
Yeah, it’s interesting that it’s used a fad language now. I was in high school 20 years ago, and it was unheard of to talk about this stuff.
When a generation destigmatizes a social norm, like with the Sexual Revolution, collectively, they tend to overuse the language that was taboo as they struggle to find the balance.
I also think younger folks are trying to find words for the existential struggle they’re facing so they’re leaning on this language to try to describe components of their developing self-identity. An example might be a high achiever who is overwhelmed & shuts down due to being overextended by pressures from school, tutoring, lessons, sports, clubs, social media, etc. They may think it’s a problem with themselves, but until they exit that environment, they can’t realize it was a problem with the world around them.
ADHD is different for everyone too. I was one of those people but had no idea it was ADHD and shit didn’t start falling apart until middle age and motherhood when it all became too much.
It only bothers me when people go online claiming to be coaches or influencers on the subject to make money. Shilling bad products. I realized it’s a huge “relatable” content base. That being said it’s just annoying. My life glows on.
They could very well have ADHD actually. My husband presents VERY differently from me.
He's always been super awesome at school, academics, and has a mind for all things mechanical. He's always excelled in school, so he went undiagnosed for a long time.
For myself, I was HORRIBLE in school! Always daydreaming (busy mind) and always doodling, my mind was typically else where, and I had trouble focusing on whatever the teacher was trying to teach. (I found it all very boring) I didn't present in the typical outwardly way most people do.
I was never on time for anything (so as an adult, I show up way too early for everything and set multiple alarms AND calendar reminders. I thought that was me being "normal and responsible" ha haaaaa....)
I was messy and forgetful, too (still am!). I would genuinely forget a lot of things. I remember my parents being very angry with me for it and accusing me of lying 😅 I always had an "excuse" for anything. (That's what I was met with every time I tried communicating my struggles)
TLDR: Just because someone's struggles are different from yours, doesn't mean they don't have their own struggles within a mental health diagnosis.
I'm currently not diagnosed, but when I mentioned to my friends I'm going to get tested, one who is doing a PhD in psychology just said finally, you figured it out. Because he's a friend he couldn't tell me, but he confirmed he's known I have it for a long time.
I was tested as a child, I had a ton of symptoms but I'm a girl and didn't have all the male symptoms so I was just classed as a naughty kid, even though I was struggling badly. I'm also smart, which didn't help.
I also met a lot of other women who have it via my women's bouldering group. They're medicated and have told me it's obvious to them because I talk like they used to and I'm kinda hyper at the gym. Also, I've broken my little finger twice there by getting distracting or rushing up a climb...
My mom sent me my test results recently, which has been crazy to look through:
“In summary, wild_oats is a delightful, 16-year-old adolescent female who presents with a history that is consistent with a diagnosis of Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder, Primarily Inattentive Type. wild_oats history of
struggles with task completion, inattention, and completing and turning in assignments, are all consistent with this diagnosis. Additionally, wild_oats has a strong family history for ADHD, as two of her brothers have also been diagnosed with ADHD. wild_oats is a very bright young woman, and it is likely that this diagnosis has not been obvious, as she has been able to compensate for her weakness with attention and concentration, with her strong intellectual skills. Superior abilities in verbal and nonverbal reasoning areas are strengths for her. wild_oats has relative weaknesses with respect to processing speed, and areas that are sensitive to inattention and distractibility, such as auditory memory. The current test findings reveal that wild_oats’ computational arithmetic skills fall in the above average range. According to today's test findings, this does not suggest a significant discrepancy with respect to her functioning. However, previous test results have revealed that this may be an area of relative weakness. It is suspected that this is in part related to wild_oats’ difficulties with sustaining attention.”
So yeah, even though I was testing above average, considered “delightful” and meeting expectations at school, I was still struggling daily with symptoms of ADHD.
I spent all of high school denying that I had ADHD (as someone who was diagnosed only because my mom was already sensitive to it). I was doing ok and getting by, only to hit college and flop hard immediately, and then continued to flop all through my first 20 or so jobs until I was able to go to my doctor and say “I’m struggling and I need meds quickly or I’m going to get fired again”. I’m surprised I stayed out of jail. I’m surprised I avoided serious addiction and homelessness. I probably wouldn’t if I hadn’t had such an amazing and understanding mom.
Maybe those people have it, maybe they don’t, but if they’re undiagnosed they’ll never be able to get the assistance they need as you are able to. They may struggle, as I did, once they’re truly responsible for themselves, because they do have undiagnosed ADHD. They may never get diagnosed because they don’t actually have it, and may always just be the kinda forgetful person who talks about having ADHD.
Keep your eyes on your own goals and your own development… consider yourself lucky you have a diagnosis under your belt and a clear path forward with treatment, don’t let it bother you what others are up to.
I was valedictorian of my high school and had tons of friends. I also had no idea I had ADHD at the time, but I was super ashamed and felt something was wrong with me due to my inability to do chores and basic administrative tasks. This has persisted into adulthood as my most problematic symptom. It’s cool to get straight A’s and all, but I’d much rather not have bills going to collections and have the ability to just do the dishes so maggots don’t hatch in my kitchen anymore. You don’t know what people are struggling with.
I was diagnosed as a child. But this argument is to me kind of hostile. And it is a argument that I have heard over and over with alot of things that teens does or say to sound special. When and where I grew up it was depression, self harm and anxiety. But just because some teens say they have it to sound cool, doesen't make all those people who have depression and anxiety any less correct about it without getting the diagnosis. The same goes for ADHD.
Tbh I think that sceptisism is really harmfull and does way more damage then you would think. I, for example, did have a lot of problems with anxiety and depression in my teens. But never sought proffetional help because people told me that I diden't and only said so to feel special or something. And I see what damage it does in my own country. Where the ADHD organisation is out public complaining about people getting a diagnosis because of tiktok. Very openly harming and creating new steriotypes for people who say they have ADHD. Making people believe that ADHD is a tiktok trend and people are just pretending.
Too me you sound kind of bitter because of how it made you feel at school. But I can promise you this, those feelings would probobly be there even if they diden't say they had ADHD. The reason I am saying that is because I felt the exact same way when I was at school.
And I think it is better that teens look at it like this quirky special thing. Because when I grew up, everyone told me "you can't have ADHD, you're too kind". Basicly thinking that kids with ADHD were mean kids that bullied others and generally behaved like shit. I'll take the first one any day over that.
Obviusly, we need to listen to people who self diagnose with a slightly sceptical ear, especially when we are talking about teens. People can also misunderstand symptoms, or have a completly different mental condition. But for the most part, people know themself best, and a lot of doctors have no clue what ADHD is and therefore have many wierd thoughts about it. So we should probobly not care that much.
I've been sat on a waiting list for 5 years to be diagnosed and still no appointment in sight. Adhd didn't exist in women when I was growing up, and definitely not in my small, backwards town that still has horse and carriages holding up cars for miles. I'm mid 30s and struggled all my life. I've really fallen off lately tbh and could really do with some relevant support but I've just got to keep dragging myself through this mess of a life.
random thoughts, loosely structured:
1. It doesn't sound like these people were self-diagnosing, they were *faking* a diagnosis as part of "trying to be different and cool." My high school also had these kids, and I had all the same annoyances with them. My instinct is still to get a bit territorial over my diagnosis now. I totally feel everything you said.
2. It's just...the process of being diagnosed/getting treatment is so the opposite of ADHD-friendly. I don't think I could have managed it unmedicated, paradoxically. (I was diagnosed early.) We know it's crazy underdiagnosed by doctors. So it feels like an access issue to say "go through the diagnosis process before I consider you a part of the community."
3. I, a layperson with ADHD, am way more educated about ADHD than most doctors I've seen. (I blame the failings of the US healthcare system, not the doctors.) So it seems silly to make doctors the absolute benchmark here until we start prioritizing evidence-based care and updated research about what ADHD looks like and what causes it.
Your feelings are valid and completely understandable. however please remember that adhd varies in severity and often times you don’t see what that person is actually struggling with behind the scenes.
Like for example I did fine in school- got good grades, got my bachelor’s without any interruptions, then went on to get my master’s. I had a good group of friends back then and even now. However I was diagnosed with ADHD 2 weeks ago because forgetting important details, it was HELL getting through school, my emotional dysregulation issues were ruining my romantic relationships, complete disorganization in life and school, my rejection sensitivity dysphoria, etc were severely getting in the way of all the good I built up in my life. And I was tired of living feeling like I couldn’t trust myself to handle my emotions or even stay organized with the easiest things. I’m grateful I have people in my life that put up with this and saw it as just my quirks & stubbornness on the outside, but in reality it was and continues to be debilitating because I feel like I’m not reaching my potential because of this fucking disorder on top of pushing away really good people.
Nah. Your personal feelings matter less than someone’s mental health.
For many a diagnosis is all but impossible, you don’t get to tell them their experiences are less valid than mine because I had the resources to find a psychiatrist.
Just because you’ve personally had bad experiences with people who clearly just liked the label doesn’t mean you’re the authority on who gets to self diagnose. Until healthcare is accessible and reliable, I’ll stand by the fact that a thoughtful and well researched self diagnosis is valid. What you’re describing is people using adhd for attention. Those are separate things. We can’t punish one for the actions of the other.
Have you considered that in a system with an expensive and convoluted medical system which does not serve all people, having a medical diagnosis is a privilege?
I say this kindly but please consider the privilege inherent in your headline. We don’t need to gatekeep.
Amen! In my county (Europe) the waitlist is years and ADHD isn’t diagnosed in adult women, when you have emotional dysregulation regardless of anything else you’ll get told you have BPD even if you don’t fit it at all so going through assessment is useless anyway. We still live in an age where men get to diagnose women with “hysteria”. Glad you are able to get diagnosed but most people aren’t ever able.
Self diagnosis doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is using a diagnosis as an excuse for all of one’s shortcomings, or saying “I can’t ___ because I have ADHD and I’ll never get better.” I don’t tolerate that shit at all.
Bro... "I can't because I have ADHD" is a MAJOR pet peeve of mine. I can't stand it.
I know my ADHD is not comparable to others but what I ***do*** know is that we ***can*** work on getting better.
It just makes me feel like they're giving a bad rep for us. I struggle with horrible executive dysfunction but I find ways to progress, it's bad but I'm not going to use it as an excuse to quit trying because I don't want to allow ANYONE to use that shit as an excuse.
If i say i only Think i have adhd, there’s a big risk people will think of it as another TikTok-diagnosis. It’s not. In my country the 9 months I waited for an appointment with a psychiatrist is considered a short wait. I have only just gotten my appointment now. And now I wait for the whole process. I’m still very sure cause I’ve been using the waiting time to lean as much as humanly possible to be sure I actually have it. And to implement helpful routines to my life, to make it easier and my life is a lot easier now, but I still struggle a lot.
This is why you shouldnt compare yourself to others.
Even in diagnosed people, the way ADHD affects your life varies greatly. ADHD has different severity depending on how much it affects you. And a lot of people with ADHD are great at pretending theyre doing well. We will never truly know how much someone struggles with something because we're not them.
The only reason why I got diagnosed was because I "self diagnosed" first and I was lucky to have a therapist that listened to me. I think some people think its quirky or whatever, which Ive seen, but I dont find self diagnosis bad at all. Specially when there are so many barriers for a diagnosis.
I was self diagnosed from 13 until 27, when I was finally able to get a formal diagnosis. I live in a healthcare/treatment desert.
I personally know no one who is self diagnosed and doesn't clearly have ADHD.
Are you gen z?
well you have to also understand that not everyone who has adhd have “no issues” because they probably do but are good at managing them. i’m not saying you’re not, i’m just saying that some people can manage their symptoms better than others and there’s nothing wrong with that.
i definitely understand the frustration. but i also know that there’s a lot of factors contributing to the availability and accessibility of diagnoses. in addition some people fear that getting a diagnosis could cost the opportunities in the future/make people view them differently (i don’t necessarily believe this but i know it’s not an uncommon thought).
my perspective is, self diagnosis is fine, and can even be beneficial. however - i do think that people who aren’t diagnose should refrain from talking a lot about it on social media (largely tiktok). mostly because it can (and has) spread so much misinformation (“do you have adhd? here are ‘symptoms’ that by themself literally anyone can have but im going to convince you that it means you have adhd”). i think one of the core benefits of self diagnosis is using that to adjust how you view yourself and to make adjustments to your life to help alleviate adhd symptoms. i also don’t necessarily see anything wrong with discussing it with close friends/family ie. “i’m sorry i’ve been really messy, i suspect i have adhd which is impacting my ability to maintain a cleaning routine but i am working on improving it”.
Idk, I never thought I had adhd. I always had friends and good grades but it turns out I really did have adhd and didn’t find out until later in life.
It seemed easy to people on the outside but life was hard for me as well and I ended up accumulating a lot of trauma from the lack of care and medical/psych follow up…. I think you were lucky that you got the care and attention you needed.
The truth is that even though we have the same diagnosis we will not have the same exact deficiencies….
This is why you shouldnt compare yourself to others.
Even in diagnosed people, the way ADHD affects your life varies greatly. ADHD has different severity depending on how much it affects you. And a lot of people with ADHD are great at pretending theyre doing well. We will never truly know how much someone struggles with something because we're not them.
The only reason why I got diagnosed was because I "self diagnosed" first and I was lucky to have a therapist that listened to me. I think some people think its quirky or whatever, which Ive seen, but I dont find self diagnosis bad at all. Specially when there are so many barriers for a diagnosis.
I think it’s important to remember everything in life is a spectrum and how it impacts us is its own spectrum.
My brother and I both had ADHD, both equally severe. How it effects both of us is completely different in terms of ability to succeed. Down to things as small as I can clean my room, but I struggle to leave the house. My brother can’t clean a single thing and has no problem leaving the house. I could turn in homework, he couldn’t. He can absorb information at incredible levels, and I can’t remember a single persons name on a tv series I watched start to finish multiple times. Studying? Oh did that like my life depended on it and got a C. My brother got an A and didn’t show up for class.
I think it’s important to remember that all of our experiences are different. Looking back on life, it’s truly shocking I wasn’t diagnosed before I was 30. I would joke to at I had ADHD, until one day my husband said, “you do know you have ADHD. You’re the poster child for it.” The way my jaw dropped was straight from a cartoon. Soon after I scheduled an appointment and was diagnosed, my life is infinitely better. All because of a joke that was secretly looking for someone to confirm I wasn’t losing my mind. Those interactions might be the same for those women. They are hoping for validation to ask for help.
As someone who may well appear to have it all together from an outside perspective and is also officially diagnosed with inattentive type ADHD and GAD, here’s what others don’t see, only me and my family do.:
Intrusive thoughts, panic attacks, being able to do the thing only at the very last minute and brute forcing it through a combination of fairly high iq and hyper focus, adhd paralysis, serious rejection sensitivity, serious emotional lability, being overstimulated and over touched, physical sensory issues, difficulty prioritizing, misplacing things, etc etc.
It’s really so unfair that other people appear to have it all together from an outside perspective. You’re your own worst critic because you have the unfortunate perspective of seeing ALL your flaws. I’m sure plenty of high schoolers faked it to be “interesting”, but plenty of people with ADHD are struggling invisibly to others.
Remember also, there are degrees to everything. Your ADHD might be very different from another. My husband is inattentive ADHD and I'm combined. They definitely have different spices.
I completely understand. I’ve had friends who said they have it. They do NOT. They’ve never had a single issue or symptom but they struggle to pay attention in adulthood and think that qualifies… Meanwhile, these are the some of the same people who have chastised me over ADHD symptoms. “*Why are you so sensitive? OMG! It’s not that serious! Why aren’t you ever on time?!*” It fills me with white hot rage to even think about.
That being said, it’s much less about an official diagnosis for me and more about a lack of fundamental understanding of the disorder they’re pretending to have, and how it impacts others. Even worse when they try to play up what they THINK the symptoms are…
Faking having ADHD isn't the same as self diagnosing, and anyone who is knowingly faking it sucks. It seems like it's along the same lines as people saying "haha I'm so OCD" when they have no idea the depth of the struggles that a person with OCD has, so I get the frustration.
Getting diagnosed young is a privilege. I was only able to get diagnosed at 32 and my traits were used as a reason to justify abuse.
I wouldn't have been able to get a proper diagnosis without self diagnosing first.
For me it’s some people on social media that use a supposed diagnosis for likes. They romanticise it and frame ADHD as this quirky, fun thing, which it is very much NOT. I saw a video where an actual ADHDer commented on this issue and said “My brain torture is not your aesthetic!” and damn I felt that.
It bothers me too. Funnily in always drawn to people with ADhD; although initially I didn’t know why (I was undiagnosed) and none of them flaunted their diagnosis. Then after we started becoming friends they’d say “so you have adhd too huh?” And I was like nawww not me. After the 6th person told me something similar (and she happened to be my therapist lol) I decided to get tested.
Those people who love to say they have adhd (or whatever mental health problem is in vogue at the time) make it harder for us to get taken seriously. I don’t tell anyone about my adhd until it becomes glaringly obvious (if someone is my friend or coworker long enough I’m bound to do something adhd-related that would otherwise be seen as totally rude or odd). But family members in particular totally dismissed me when I let them know, except eventually my dad started noticing that he has many inattentive-type traits himself (he’s known by some of his friends as the “absent-minded professor”)
people who done self-diagnose or use ADHD as an adjective or an insult about someone have put me off making a real diagnosis for a good few years.
I had some suspicions but social media and people diagnosing themselves through short videos have made me stop taking my symptoms seriously. I thought that everyone has problems like me, and the fact that it's so hard for me is my fault and I shouldn't admit it.
I'm over 30. I've already gone through a wild burnout and I'm in my second therapy. I was recently diagnosed (psychotherapist, psychiatrist and psychologist working together) with ADHD and it was an incredibly important thing in my life. to move on, learn not to hurt myself, use the help of medication.
I'm sorry if someone doesn't have access to a proper diagnosis, I really empathize with you. But the fact is that such people made me downplay my mental health for a long time and now I often don't feel like my diagnosis is taken seriously.
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I live in Greece, where mental health services are severely lacking. I did go to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis and I kinda got one for ADHD and OCD, although I suspect he thought I was faking it to get drugs. Apparently, if you are very intelligent and get good grades until high-school by cramming at the last minute, you don't have ADHD. I was also told by the same doctor that I don't need meds or therapy because I'm just doing so well. I'm raw dogging this shit, because a professional thought using my OCD to deal with my crippling ADHD is a good strategy. Dear reader, it is not. Knowing what is wrong with me helps though. There's a lot of info on the internet about both disorders and I have found some things that help me sort of function.
I once heard somebody here referred to their OCD dealing with their ADHD like a horse babysitting a dog and I thought it was the funniest thing ever
Personally, I think of it as trying to deal with an ant infestation by using a flamethrower. Some of the ants will die, but not all of them, and you run the risk of burning your house down multiple times a day.
On the other hand, one might try to remove them one by one with a set of tweezers.
this. all the time.
I feel so seen here!
I love this analogy. That was me using my anxiety to manage my ADHD. Did I get shit done? Hell yeah! Did I also wind up with debilitating panic attacks? You betcha! Got my anxiety down to normal/manageable levels and guess what spiraled out of control? My ADHD!
Oh my goodness yes to this.
I never realized how bad my anxiety, OCD, and perfectionism were until I started taking medication for ADHD. Always putting everything off until the last possible hour, panicking to get it “perfect” in such a short time frame, and then having panic attacks over the anxiety that I wasn’t good enough/didn’t do it good enough/forgot something important, etc. I have tried to time manage, and I am okay with it, but I still slide into my old ways when I haven’t had any medication and haven’t prepared myself way way ahead of time.
Ohhh, that’s a good one
The mental health nurse I spoke to when going through the process of getting my referral has suggested that I display OCD tendencies which may have developed as a coping mechanism and yeah a horse babysitting a dog is painfully accurate. Or to use a more “inappropriate” comparison - the lunatics have been put in charge of the asylum.
I didn't realize how much my OCD tendencies and routines were helping me function until I went on Paxil for depression. Significantly reduced my OCD habits and schedules (yay?) but that gave my ADHD free reign. Still took almost 20 years to get diagnosed after that 🤦♀️
The mad thing is it was suggested I had OCD before the adhd was even picked up on like some of my thought processes are absolutely insane. It’s a need for control like no other where I literally become so single minded on one thing that I literally cannot do anything else it’s horrible. Like my phone, I’m obsessive over it but I know that’s because I know I’ll lose it if I put it down.
Apple Watch has saved me from some of the phone obsession. I can ping it and find it quickly, unless I leave without it…. That still happens semi-frequently.
Wow. I’m having an epiphany now about my start date for lexapro…no wonder I’ve been so genuinely surprised by the new and unexpected chaos I continue to create, and then solve, alongside the normal stuff. Here I was thinking that I had just started playing a game where I make up real-life-obstacle-courses because peace is an unattainable fiction.
Yeahhh I began to suspect I had ocd when I was young and got formally diagnosed a few years back. I also got put on an anti depressant that supposedly helped ocd compulsions. I’m now putting two and two together why my life was still somehow falling apart despite being better in other ways lol.
I have both, and I can confirm, the lunatics are indeed in charge of the asylum.
Also same.. can verify
I would watch that movie, ngl 😂
Same. My dog is like a small horse so the image it conjured in my head has thoroughly distracted me.
One of my favorite signs I saw once and I’ll never forget, “I have adhd and ocd so everything has to be perfect, but not for long.”
They must have been a John Mulaney fan lol
“Using my OCD to deal with my crippling ADHD” is a special kind of hell.
I've seen several people manager their ADHD using severe anxiety. It's functional, but at what cost?!
Ugh I don’t know how functional it is when I want to scream “I LEARNED HOW TO BE A DECENT PERSON AND PICK UP AFTER MYSELF AND NOT BE LATE WHY CAN’T YOU” Then I realize that most of my adult get-shit-done behaviors are a result of RSD and I don’t feel so put-together anymore lol
Most of the time my motivation comes from avoiding negative feedback at all costs. Also, sprinkle in some perfectionism that tells me anything that’s not perfect is a failure.
That’s me 10000%! The perfectionism is crippling for me. I’m an artist who hasn’t arted in a year because of a HORRIBLE professor who was so critical of me. It’s almost a type ptsd for me. Plus I get so stressed at doing it right that I don’t do anything (hence why I’m on Reddit right now) lol.
Ouch, that hurts lol
Wait, this just put something together for me. I became a public defender and had to get real cool about dealing with my anxiety about negative feedback and perfectionism real fast because that job is like at least 70% people yelling at you for things that mostly aren't your fault. So I *did* and now I'm much less anxious about some stuff. BUT I'm also late a LOT and have trouble keeping up with putting notes in the case management system and things that my anxiety used to make me great at...turns out "fear of negative feedback" and "perfectionism" were load-bearing walls, oops
This is 100% me. If I can get thru this shit, suck it up buttercup lol, then proceed to fall apart
I've been doing that since I was diagnosed with PPD 11years ago. It doesn't just go away if you don't deal with it, it just gets added to the huge pile of emotional baggage. (ADHD, PPD, CPTSD, GAD, OCD, and good old chronic depression.) It's all part of the same damn mess!!
This is what I think needs more awareness. I don’t “have” ADHD, GAD, CPTSD, OCD, depression, etc. like I’m collecting badges — it’s all a part of the same mess!!! These are just labels for clusters of symptoms. It makes me feel like people think I’m faking each one of these bc I just want to claim to suffer from something else. Trust me, I do not. I really and truly wish each of these to be gone. But they’re a part of the ways my brain developed and the labels help me find resources to help myself.
Omg, I'm kinda dying at mental illness badges. Gotta get them allllll!! 🤣😭
they call me 007 0 pussy 0 money 7 mental disorders
Cackled at this. Borrowing
I like the image of collecting badges like a girl scout! I always thought of it as hoarding letters, but I like yours more.
Ugh I know, it’s all alphabet soup at that point lol
I felt that like a kick in the gut.
I feel like I have had a massive epiphany on what I have been doing for years without realizing it. No wonder I am completely exhausted.
I usually have to take a sick day every few months just to sleep. Massive exhaustion kicks in and I just have to nope out and sleep
I was told you can’t have OCD with ADHD, because they come from opposite effects on the same area of the brain or something (look I’m not a neurologist ok). And yet I’m here getting out of bed for the 10th time in an hour to make sure the door to the house is really truly locked, the stove is off (even though I didn’t even cook), washing my hands over and over because I keep accidentally touching the tap or the back of the sink, doing my makeup over and over because I don’t like the position my mascara made one eyelash sit in, etc… Idk anymore.
They used to say that you couldn't have ADHD and ASD as well. Did you know the term "comorbid" wasn't even used before 1970. Cutting edge in 1970. In psychology they use the term and concept of co-occurrence and study of this only started in the mid '80s. It didn't really catch on or even become mainstream until much later. You will find research papers covering new innovative treatment of co-occurring disorders from the late late '90s early 2000s. If your doctor has been practicing for more than 30 years They may have a medical philosophy that is out of date. Yes they're supposed to be keeping up on new research but they are people and they form biases based on their experience (where they went to school and who they interned under). Doctors approach their practice through a philosophy of treatment. This is very slow to change and tends to require generational shifts. If you got an old doctor that studied under a old doctor, and interned with an old doctor, you might have some very old ideas or misconceptions knocking around that practice That have nothing to do with diagnosis standards of today and everything to do with applying those standards.
I also developed OCD as a kid that compensates for my ADHD lol
Truly one of the shittiest clubs to be in...
It is and I gaslit myself for YEARS because I didn’t have outward facing rituals(did as a child, grew out of them when I left the traumatic home/school life that first made me develop OCD) but then I learned about Pure O. Or OCD that is entirely internal and I remember sobbing like a baby because of the validation.
I have pure O OCD as well. It started when I was 22 and I fell into depression because I thought the intrusive thoughts meant something. People had no idea what was going on in my head. That I was checking myself all the time to figure out if the intrusive thoughts were true. That there was a constant battle of chess in my head between me and my fucked up brain trying to one-up each other. The first psychiatrist I went to just gave me some SSRI without any sort of diagnosis, telling me to "just chill". And the worst part is that the meds gave me horrible side effects so they didn't even help.
It's easier knowing the word for it so that you can identify the thoughts and know that they aren't your own and don't reflect on you.
Also Pure O—the rumination and intrusive thoughts are overwhelming.
It's easier since i understood what they were and can tell myself that my intrusive thoughts aren't a reflection on me as a person.
Sorry for second reply. What’s nice about the club tho is finding someone else in it. One of my best friends has both ADHD and OCD so because our brains work the same, we’ve been able to help the other out of ADHD and OCD spirals and we don’t have to ever be “on” with each other because the other understands.
It’s so nice to have people that get you. Almost all of my friends that I still have from childhood got diagnosed with ADHD/autism as adults and we’re like…. Yeah maybe that’s why we stayed friends lol
Same here. All my friends are ND in some way, which is why we are still friends.
realized i'm in this boat recently :'|
Same. I’m just so tired.
I can totally relate. Just got diagnosed with something else because I did well enough until high school and even sometimes after. But it’s only been at times when everything else was taken care of for me (housing, food etc) and I could focus on the school work. Anytime I was on my own I fell apart. As an adult it’s been so hard. I’ve been scraping by my whole adult life. I can see how hard it was OP feeling like your own struggles went unseen. I feel unseen by people who think I can’t possibly have adhd and just should be able to snap out of whatever is going on.
This is me too. Depression on top of ADHD because being totally dysfunctional as an adult is depressing af. Medication kind of helps, but for me it was never the on/off switch that some sufferers describe. Then add the absurd insult of the medication shortage to it and I was toast. I let my therapy slide and now I’m unmedicated and getting back on track is a major mountain of a hassle and problem.
I had a so called therapist tell me for someone with adhd they’ve never seen someone so clean. If you were to talk to my mom she would tell you that my room was upside down till the age of 23. Something flipped in me and i became obsessed with having a hotel esthetic bedroom and cleanliness. That continued and became part of me. I now clean to avoid tasks and avoid hard things. Medication has helped me stop procrastinating my job and sit down and focus without abandoning post to clean or organize or work on my finances (another obsession of mine). They have a very basic idea of what adhd is and for women it becomes harder when you grew up masking and copying others behaviors in order to fit in. To this day i struggle with my identity as i was always told i talked too much, too opinionated, outspoken, and annoyed people. As an adult everyone enjoys talking to me and my presence but i tend to struggle with friendships as i always feel like they secretly hate me bc of how i express myself to them and my bluntness when talking to them or advising them. I knew something was off, always did, sometimes self diagnosing is important to get the help you didn’t as a child. Other times it’s people who want to stimulus from the medication to help push them to that A+ rather than that A.
I’m vacationing in Crete right now and I was terrified my Rx was going to be confiscated. No way in hell I was navigating these busses and boats without my Vyvanse lol. I’m sorry it’s been such a struggle for you :(
The busses and boats are a struggle. In all honesty, not even us locals can make sense of the schedule, simply because said schedule is merely a suggestion. By the way, most drivers consider road signs and the highway code as a suggestion as well, and there's a lot of drunks driving, so please be careful.
I'm sorry you had to go through that, some psychiatrists are shitty as fuck. I had a therapist who started to flirt with me one day, I thought they were joking, but then they started to actually text me daily and I ended up just switching therapists.
You can have multiple people with adhd that have different symptoms - my friend with diagnosed adhd also never had issues with keeping friends for example. I get that it sucks some people fake having it, but on the other hand, someone’s self-diagnoses doesn’t take away from mine.
Yeah this too. My ex was also adhd and he saw him self as “superior adhd”because he had the classic symptoms and treated mine as if it didn’t really affect me. I thought dating someone with it too would be nice because they understood but it was worse than someone without.
Lol my ex with adhd gatekept it from me, and that contributed to me not getting on meds that make my life so much better for another 3ish years. Funnily enough, he later decided he was probably autistic instead and not adhd 💀
LOL love that for him 😂😂 we suspected my ex was somewhere on the spectrum as well but never diagnosed. He definitely had wicked adhd that couldn’t be denied either.
It really should be considered a spectrum disorder for how much it varies person to person. Even in my family symptoms differ.
Yeah, people present their symptoms differently, which is annoying when people fake it, but fr some people who don’t look like they have the same struggles may be presenting in a diff way. I have an official diagnosis (late diagnosis) and I (thought) I was good at masking the outward symptoms. Really I was isolating a lot and burning myself out bc it felt like everything was on hard mode. I’ve done a lot professionally and in school, but that was bc I liked school. Don’t get me started on the last minute cramming. But other people who didn’t know me well would just see the mask, not the racing thoughts and executive dysfunction that was making me miserable. When I finally went to a doctor it was VERY clear that I’ve been dealing w this my whole life, I just masked where/when I could bc it was a survival issue. (Not for nothing, but i think being a WOC feeds into that as well) Tl:dr - people who fake a diagnosis are annoying but people do present their symptoms differently
Unpopular opinion, but have you ever considered that getting decent grades, keeping friends, managing having a job etc, and maintaining the illusion that you are a regular person who doesn't struggle while being neurodivergent is a) a big reason why people go undiagnosed, because others, including medical professionals don't see anything 'wrong', and b) may be a reason for gaslighting oneself, since you are 'managing', right? And if you REALLY had adhd you wouldn't be able to stay (barely) afloat like that. It's not a race and everyone is different. There is no point comparing you to anyone else. I'm 40 now. I have tried to get diagnosed with ADHD over 15 years ago, and although I scored really high it was mostly dismissed as anxiety and depression. I found out last year by doing a lot of research that I am most likely audhd. People always seem to think that I got it all sorted out. Between feeling like I'm perpetually 12, all alone, and the only thing keeping me alive is my maladaptive daydreaming, I am really not doing so well. But damn, my masking skills are great. The mask is so great, that I have no idea how to take it off and ask for the help I desperately need.
I'm diagnosed with ADHD and suspect AuHD and I feel this SO deeply. The people around me think that I'm doing so well. When in reality, I feel like I'm working way harder to achieve the things that other people do with less effort. I actually said to a friend once "I feel like I think more than other people do". As in, to achieve the same outcome, I'm exhausting my brain all the time with all of these random possibilities that don't even occur to others, and it pops up in the most random ways.
I feel this too. I also recently realised a big part of this is because I misunderstand and miss so much in social interactions. For someone who thinks they have a high IQ and EQ, that was a very hard pill to swallow.
It's really showing up for me now because I really want to start dating. But apps don't do it for me, and I can never tell when someone is into me in real life. Like, my friends will tell me that someone was flirting with me based on how I describe our interactions, but I just don't see it. And I don't know how to see it. Unless if I'm told directly, I assume that the person is just being friendly.
Are you me? I always pick the worst partners for me too. Ideally , I could bring someone to accompany me on dates to tell me if my date seems like a good choice or not...
Story of my life. I feel you friend. 💗
Completely agree. I was on track to be a doctor (long story short until I ended up in an abusive relationship and had a whole mental breakdown), and was a college athlete, all while undiagnosed with anything. My parents told me no to therapy and that it was in my head, but I knew I needed help. Years later, a few jobs where I also had full mental breakdowns and cried multiple times a week because I was so overwhelmed. I struggled silently, so ever saw me as successful. Finally at 28, with my own insurance and autonomy, I went to therapy, I got my diagnosis’ and I’m finally doing better. I feel like the person I masked as for my whole my life.
So sorry to hear that 😔 but glad to hear things improved. Were you also under your parents' control waaay longer than is 'normal', yet they failed to see you have a disability?
Spot on 😅. After I finally got away from my abusive ex, I was in a full blown depression either truly all the classic signs and they even believed I was fine then. After my adhd diagnosis, I’ve been teaching them a lot about it and they’re seeing the things that were missed repeatedly not by just them but even my teachers. But this just circles back around to the diagnostic criteria only outlined out for boys. Hope you’re doing well and your diagnosis has helped you overcome ❤️
>may be a reason for gaslighting oneself, since you are 'managing', right? And if you REALLY had adhd you wouldn't be able to stay (barely) afloat like that. this. i was constantly just told i was either lazy or just not applying myself (which this is true but alot more nuanced) so i never got diagnosed when i needed it the most and just assumed i was just "quirky & different" back then...nope just undiagnosed. i finally got diagnosed in my 30s and it was definitely eye opening. i still struggle with it bcuz i chose to remain unmedicated and dont have some of the struggles i read in this sub. there's no use comparing atp, it just makes life harder than it already is especially for us.
Yup I’m one of those described too except people didn’t see the way I stayed up late into the night doing my homework because I procrastinated and then crashed and napped for 3 hours the moment I got home. The way I cried on the way home because friendships were so hard. Or the state of my bedroom as my family would make fun of my mess and the way it would spill out of my bedroom or I’d mess up another clean and uncluttered space in another part of the house because I was naturally attracted to using simplified spaces but didn’t know how to maintain my own. The only thing I would get in trouble for was being late every morning to school. I would literally sync my watch to the school alarms so that I would walk into class the moment the bell rang (during the school day during class switches. I was always late for the first class regardless) But not to discredit my family, they did pick up a lot of my “slack” that allowed me to mask so much outside of the home. Because as soon as I moved out of my parents, I basically couldn’t mask anymore and even lost my job. I did a degree that was mostly project based. I basically almost failed any class that had required readings because I just could not focus on boring reading material. But projects I could nail over an all nighter haha. I missed every 8:30 or 9:30 morning lecture during university and got barely passes in those classes while scoring A’s in all of the project based courses. I would be in deep debt if my parents hadn’t bailed me out multiple times. Now my husband handles all the finances and I have to set up my own spending rules or I will impulse spend like there’s no tomorrow. I spent every penny when I got my first office job and I wanted to rip my eyes out having to stay in an office 8 hours a day. Wasn’t diagnosed until I was 35. Tried multiple times and constantly told that I just had anxiety. But when I treated my anxiety the adhd symptoms only got worse. My husband kept pushing me to get a diagnosis because he saw how much it was affecting me at home. I’ve got such a good one and another reason I appear to have it so put together. He is my executive function. People are shocked when I tell them I have adhd. I ask them if I’ve ever invited them over to my house. They will be like no I haven’t and I’m like that’s because all my symptoms are hidden from public view. I still don’t like anyone coming over because it feels like they will see everything and their perception of me will be drastically changed. But now that I’m medicated I’m starting to chip away at different projects around the home and hoping to open up to people soon because I do enjoy making deep vulnerable connections and working through not letting my home prevent that even when I can’t make it perfect.
My bedroom floor literally had a path from the door to my bed almost all the time except for when I was forced to clean it or sudden inspiration hit me & I cleaned it all up. And then back to a mess. I'm so burnt out & stressed at the moment that things have gotten away from me at home and the garage/laundry floor is about 90% mess and I'd say that easily 50% of the rest of the floor space in the house has mess & stuff covering it. Paperwork, daughters artwork, toys, bags, clothes, even groceries sitting in bags on the kitchen floor that just never make it into the pantry they are sitting right next to.
Haha yea or the way my bed would be filled with clothes during the day and shoved towards the end of the bed or to my desk chair at night so I could sleep. And then dumped back on the bed when I needed to use my desk if I hadn’t abandoned it because it was completely covered. The only times I’m motivated to “clean” is when I think of a new furniture configuration because it turns into a new project and a new room! But then that’s when all the doom boxes are created and shoved into another room.
Doom boxes is such an apt name for them! I have so many from where tidying has had to happen but I haven't had time (ok I had the time, I just didn't do it in time). But yeah clothes dumped onto the bed to find what you want from the basket or because i need the basket for the wet washing, then shoved to the floor at bed time is my go to move.
Spot on. Some people end up burning out or having a severe breakdown a bit later on in life and then get diagnosed.
Yeah, I achieved all these things and then burned out and became so chronically ill that I can't even walk to my local shops without a mobility scooter. Nobody would have suspected a thing when I was a teenager as I was a perfect little bookworm lol
Chronic illness gang unite 💪 I'm so sorry to hear it has even affected your mobility though.
Aw thanks! Yeah I think was a trigger for me ME/Chronic Fatigue syndrome
It’s so demoralising. We deal with enough comments about this condition without people on the inside turning on us as well. I’ve struggled and am one of these people OP has talked about in their post who looks like it’s all being held together. I’m nearly a year into waiting for an assessment after deliberating for a year beforehand about it. I didn’t struggle earlier on in school to get good grades but that stopped when it became A levels. My coping mechanism was cutting my arms to pieces but yeah I totally look like I’ve got it together. My point is you don’t know someone’s struggle by looking at them and it’s really unfair to just dismiss self diagnosed people like that.
I started self harming when I first had to join the work force after finishing uni. We may have a different threshold, but we all reach it at some point. It took me over a decade to become somewhat stable with employment, and I still burn out every 2-4 years. But hey, I usually 'function', so nobody cares.
damn, you know what... that's when I started, too!! I had always thought it was a specific relationship trigger at the time that had caused it, but it hindsight, it was probably a combo of that plus the fact that I'd just moved 6000 miles away from home to my special interest country to work basically the first job I'd ever had in my life nearly ten years later, currently in the longest job I've ever held down, and approaching that two year burnout mark 😅
I think it is important to allow yourself time off to rest before that burnout starts, but it's difficult to pinpoint it.
Yep!! I’m 27 now and still waiting on an assessment now to get diagnosed. When I was a kid, my parents suspected ADD and used to joke about me having it but the only thing they did was pull me off red dye. In high school and college, I didn’t struggle with grades, punctuality, motivation, organization, etc. only in the last couple of years as an adult has it been debilitating for me. I just came to terms with it at the beginning of the year after months of imposter syndrome.
Oh, I also have a parent who proudly proclaimed 'well, if I got you assessed as a child you'd been diagnosed with something for sure'. Then why didn't you, mum, why didn't you...
My god, this. “I knew something was wrong” and “yeah, that makes sense” after every damn diagnosis. Oh really? Really? They did a brain scan when I was 1 months old, results were abnormal brain waves. They prescribed anti-epilepsy medication (which was forgotten about and ultimately stopped), and that’s as far as it went until I hit 17, and completely broke. I’ve spent my adult life trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and slightly angry at my mum for not pushing it more when I was kid. If you knew there was ‘something’ why didn’t you push it?
Have you read invisible women? The entire book is listing out the way in which women are not considered in this world. The world is built for men like a mailman is the default word for the person who delivers now and the default is The Man. Take that and apply that to absolutely everything. Scientific data from medication testing doesn’t involve women. Criteria for diagnostics of ADHD may not include women. My point is that as women are getting adult ADHD diagnoses and yet they don’t show any symptoms and childhood, it’s an indicator that the criteria for, diagnosis is also still severely lacking in my opinion. I hypothesize that there will be an adult ADHD diagnosis down the line, as so many of us don’t have a connection to our childhood.
Hey, I've just finished reading "Small Talk", second book by the couple that run the @adhd_love Instagram account. If you are looking to try and process these ADHD imposter feelings, I cannot recommend it enough. It is kind, funny, sad and really highlights the lived experience of adult late diagnosed ADHDers. Best wishes to you, I hope this is something to help you on the journey 🫶
My surroundings are extremely clean due to my OCD but I am absolutely exhausted. I’ve also met multiple women with ADHD who are high achievers academically but they still reek of neurodiversity to me so I wish people would stop othering each other in this community.
This was 100% my experience trying to get diagnosed. The first time I went through neuropsychological testing they told me it was just anxiety and depression, because I “made eye contact”, “had a graduate degree”, and “had many friends”. They couldn’t see the systems I put in place to try to be successful and how mentally taxing all of it was. It’s like yeah, ok I do have my master’s and am licensed as a counselor but also, in graduate school/college/high school I would procrastinate until the last minute, pull all nighters to get stuff done, and struggled with sitting down and actually studying. How my apartment was never consistently clean. How when I would try to clean it, I would get overwhelmed and stop. How my car was consistently always dirty. How I needed 2-3 cups of coffee a day to actually start being productive. I was always late everywhere, so I started adjusting the clocks to be 13-15 minutes ahead to try and get somewhere on time. And don’t even get me started about how things were socially. I was lucky to find fellow ostracized weirdos and become friends for life. Because I got good grades and on paper looked fine, it took a long time to finally get diagnosed as AuDHD and didn’t happen until I turned 30. Which, now being on meds has changed my entire life and made it way easier to operate. It’s so sad that lack of knowledge about how this stuff comes up for AFAB individuals impacts their ability to get support from professionals who should know better.
God damn did this hit me hard. I'm 29 and was officially diagnosed with ADHD by my therapist last spring and after lots of research I am also beginning to believe I'm most likely AuDHD. I think the biggest reason I didn't get diagnosed earlier is BECAUSE I was so "well adapted" and "high functioning". Which makes me laugh out loud internally because boy if they only knew the absolute shit show going on internally to keep that mask up and running for the whole world to see. Like you, I literally don't even know how to remove the mask. It's been my entire life and I feel like it's all I know and I can't separate my true identity from my mask identity because it feels like I've learned to identify with my masking, so it's terrifying to think of anything else and has led to some serious quarter life crisis feelings. OP's post kind of triggered me because I've always been so obsessed with other people's opinions of me and being so concerned that people would think I'm "faking it" (it being my mental health issues) because of how well I mask to the outside world. When in reality, I feel like a chameleon that actually has no real identity and whose life is just a series of performative actions and responses curated to please the people around me. Whew lord, sorry for that absolute word vomit, but your response had me feeling so seen 🥺
I have both a diagnosis AND huge imposter syndrome because I’m ‘managing’! I’m 37, I got this far without any great struggles, I don’t have diagnosis alphabet soup in my medical records, unmanageable debt, a house that looks like a hoarder’s, addiction and substance abuse problems… but a psychiatrist with decades of experience and who specialises in adult diagnosis said I have it. 🤷🏼♀️
This has been my experience, as well.
#EXCELLENT POINT!!!!
So much this. I got diagnosed after I started seeing a new female doctor and wanted a referral for possible depression. After a 15-20 minute “chat” about things, she was like yea let me talk to you about something else instead (ADHD)…and if this doesn’t help then we’ll look at depression meds.
This is me. So much so that I didn’t even see it until my therapist suggested it as an option (even though 2 of my brothers and my dad are diagnosed). Now i know i have it but telling other people I’m met with skepticism. You never really know what’s going on inside someone’s head. I outwardly am quite put together but inside is an absolute mess.
I wish people realised that their scepticism is rude af
"Look, I know some people do not have the money to go to a doctor and get the proper diagnose" also, depending where you live, current wait times to have an ADHD assessment can be INSANELY long. I don't live in the USA and in my region, if you want to use the public system for an assessment, the current wait time is about 4 years. I know this wasn't the main point of your rant, but I thought it was worth noting that there can be multiple reasons why people might not be getting properly assessed, these days. I agree, it can be hard to take some "self-diagnosed" folk seriously, considering that there are certainly some individuals who are hypochondriacs and others who do have mental differences but many, many things (like depression, or bipolar or anxiety or hormonal imbalances, etc.) can look like ADHD to someone who is not a trained professional. I go to a support group where, understandably, "self- diagnosed" ADHD people are welcome and a few of them are so high-functioning that I do wonder if they actually have ADHD. On the other hand, I did listen to one podcast recently (sorry, can't remember which... I listen to so many!) in which the MD interviewed said that in her experience, it was very rare for someone to self-diagnose and then get assessed and find that they don't have it. According to her, if you are sure you have ADHD, it's highly likely that you do.
I'm in this boat too. I'm in UK. So far I've spoken to an adhd specialist who recommended I go for proper diagnosis and my Dr who has put me forward for full diagnosis... So now I'm in a queue that's at least 2 years long. When the specialist asked me why I thought I may have adhd I remember one of the things I said was "my dad is SO stereotypically adhd... And at least 3 of my friends were just diagnosed adhd... So I dunno, maybe I don't and I'm just used to hanging around with adhd people?" Her response?... "adhd people drift towards each other. If a lot of your friends have adhd, it's likely that you do too and that a big part of your friendship is that you can keep up with each other". Made me feel way less Imposter Syndrome-y
All my friends are either autistic or have ADHD. I'm autistic and waiting for my adhd assessment (have been told by a general psychiatrist I have adhd, but he couldn't officially diagnose me). ND folks move in packs, like weird wolves ;)
I fukkin LOVE that. Weird Wolf Pack for life!
This is something that I have found, I am so much more naturally comfortable around ADHD people. Including people who have gotten diagnosed after we met
I'm also in the UK and I've been on this dawned wait list since 2019. My fault ig for doing it just before the pandemic hit. I'm tempted to just shell out the grand it would take to get privately assessed just to get the support at this point.
I've been having this funny thing lately where I tell an unevaluated person about a particular ADHD experience that I have and their eyes get wide and they're like "wait, can you repeat that? Because I've been told the same". And I'm not talking things like "I never know where I put my keys" (I actually always know where my keys are and was told during my eval that I have OCD traits). It's things like "every boss I've ever had has told me that they don't know what's going on in my mind, although I always produce good work by the end of a project". I have the hardest time figuring out what information I need to give colleagues to "bring them along on the journey", so to speak. And it's actually a major issue in my professional life. And when I share it sometimes really resonates with people who I immediately got on well with upon meeting them.
Oh my God the getting things out of my brain and into a report or conversation is such a struggle. It's strange because things sometimes just make sense in my head and I have such difficulty articulating why because isn't it obvious? The logic logics, so why do I need to step you through this?
Holy crap I totally get that. I don't think it's ever been SAID to me in that way, but I know I definitely have an issue deciphering between "relevant information" and "irrelevant work-in-progress information". Like what do my coworkers NEED to know, and what information is only relevant to the person actually doing the job and I'd end up just getting cut off mid sentence and belittled for rambling (which has also happened). I know it's absolutely cost me at least one job opportunity - I had to do a test motion graphics video and then had an interview where I had to pitch my test. So in the interview they asked to see the video... So I showed them the video. I also had style frames, storyboards and other supporting work, but because they didn't ask to see them, I thought they didn't WANT to see them. Didn't get the job because (paraphrasing in a maths addage): They liked my answer, but I hadn't shown my workings. But they didn't tell me this until 2 weeks later when they'd already squared the job away to someone else.
I'm in France, and it's the same. But I can't even get a referral cause there are no ADHD specialist in my area. I would have to drive two hours to get to a bigger city. So it's not happening. So please, stop criticizing the self-diagnosed people. My best friends has ADHD but she's American so she was diagnosed when she was a teen. Here we are 30 years later and I still can't get a diagnosis.
Just to add: I do think the difference with the MD is (saying this as a psychologist that does a lot of ND assessments) the people who research and then are very sure that their symptoms fit the symptoms of ADHD AND then take the step to a doctor/psychologist/psychiatrist have done thorough research. It’s usually an ongoing process of a year or longer before they are sure enough to go and verify it with a professional. So the ones we actually see in our practice are usually correct in that their experience is neurodivergent (sometimes the actual ND flavor is different from what they expect though). So if it’s just “I saw a tiktok and I’m so ADHD” then no. If the story just starts with a TikTok but then keeps going for a long bit, then it’s more likely. But before I got diagnosed myself I also didn’t tell many people because I didn’t want to be judged for “self-diagnosing”.
Mine started with memes/tiktok. At first it was "lol I do that too". After a while I was legit looking around to find the hidden cameras someone placed all over my life. Then somebody posted the ADHD iceberg. Felt like it looked me up and down before it analyzed my whole existence.
I started on TikTok. It was feeding me autism stuff and that didn't feel right and then I landed on ADHD. Suddenly I had names for things I had experienced in my life. I spoke to my pcp about a mental health referral because of it (she at first dismissed me with a 'well, isn't everyone like that?) I spoke to my spouse, my mom and some friends about my suspicions, but not a lot.
As Brit in this situation I agree. I didn’t even give it a thought. I thought ADHD was unruly little boys, not middle aged women like me. It explains why I’m such a nob, lol, but I certainly didn’t do it to be in the In Crowd. I don’t advertise the fact , I just COPE.
I'm in Canada and finally got diagnosed a few days ago, took 3 years to finally be assessed
I’m in Canada as well, and my psychotherapist literally told me not to bother with waiting to get diagnosed, the wait where I am is 3-5 years, and I have all the hallmarks of ADHD, so we are proceeding in therapy as though I have ADHD. You don’t need a diagnosis to proceed with therapy for ADHD, or to get medication. I understand how OP feels, sometimes it’s hard to struggle with something and then see someone act is though they have that struggle, but clearly don’t. For me, however, I know that the healthcare system in Ontario is absolutely broken, and mental health is at the bottom of the list. If someone thinks they have ADHD, and they want to try and fix that, I’m ok with them saying “I have ADHD”, especially if that helps them.
I’m in Canada and wondering how do you get adhd medication without a diagnosis?
Geez i had no idea it was *this* backed up for yall up there. That's truly awful.
And not just getting access to assessment, but a proper one as well. The first psychiatrist I saw specifically for ADHD diagnosis, didn't think I had it, because I didn't show the "classic" symptoms in childhood (I had friends and got good grades, so if I had claimed to have ADHD at that age, I would have fitted in with the fakers OP describes). When I was later sent to a center for autism and ADHD for autism assessment, they diagnosed me with both.
Yeah I second this, I’m not officially diagnosed and live in the UK where you either wait 3 years minimum for free assessment or dish out hundreds and hundreds of pounds (I’m a student and can’t afford this), that said I have had several counsellors I’ve had the opportunity to see through my uni just whip out the ADHD assessment and ask me the questions secretly after 15 mins of talking to me lmao. I do think, also, when I was in school I appeared more high functioning because I wasn’t the typical image of ADHD and I had to exhaust myself trying to sort my shit out, which wasn’t reasonable and I eventually got burnt out. I think it’s more noticeable now I’m older and have gained confidence (used to be very shy and now I can’t shut up, I have real issues with interrupting ppl because the thoughts just kinda fly around) and live by myself. The only thing that stood out in school was doing all my work in a major stress last minute but because it was easier I still did well, and every other week I’d have detention after school for being late and I had no idea how lol
Yep. Have been through 4 ‘pre-assessments’ which got me a referral for an actual diagnostic assessment. Currently on a 2-3 year waiting list. I was already on a waiting list for 18 months, but had to move house and so they moved me to another clinic, where I had to join a new waiting list from the bottom. Also pretty sure when it comes to reviewing my case they will deny me the assessment, as I was honest about using marijuana occasionally for insomnia, and I’ve since found out that admitting to using any recreational drugs at all means an automatic refusal to discuss your case. If I want to go private it is a waiting list of approx 9 months and a cost of approx £2k.
If someone has made a self diagnosis in good faith, and followed relevant diagnostic criteria as best as they can, I have no problem accepting their diagnosis. If it was a friend or a coworker, I'd want to provide them with whatever reasonable accommodations they think will help them live a happier life. The barriers to a professional diagnosis are very real. Of course, people can behave in bad faith when claiming to have an illness or disability. People can flippantly claim to have a disorder with understanding it. People who have been diagnosed by a psychiatrist can ALSO use ADHD as an excuse for bad behaviour. People with diagnosed ADHD can also judge other people with ADHD too harshly if they have different symptoms or severity.
Had a friend who '***had***' OCD, BPD, ADHD, ASD but officially diagnosed with none. They went to multiple psychiatrists to try get the diagnosis but none of them gave it. On the other hand, my boyfriend uses ADHD as an excuse to not work on his interrupting/rudeness (Work in progress) I think it's valid to judge because what are humans but to judge and gossip sometimes, but not having the empathy to feel how the other feels about your behaviour is what makes you a bad person. (ADHD judging self diagnosed without considering the symptoms that make them think they have it. ADHD vs. ADHD their executive dysfunction is so bad it looks like laziness because yours isn't that bad) Letting people feel annoyed is one thing I think is valid but letting them continue life without considering the inner workings of others is a disservice.
We really do ourselves a disservice when we keep believing in this whole 'people with ADHD can't be successful' 'people with ADHD can't do well in school' narrative. You do not know that someone doesn't have ADHD just because you don't see it. I'm diagnosed. I have three college degrees and ran circles around my neurotypical classmates, that doesn't mean I don't hyperfocus so hard I don't sleep or that I can do laundry or initiate tasks. I had friends mostly just because I wasn't a dick and had some things in common with all groups of people, definitely not from my ability to have normal social interactions. Everyones experience with ADHD is unique. You're allowed to be frustrated with yours, but that doesn't make it okay to shame other people for their diagnostic journey or access to healthcare, nor should 'fakespottong' be something we engage in in this community.
You seem very young, so I don’t want to be harsh. But in the substance abuse recovery world, we often remind each other: Keep your own side of the street clean, and let your neighbor worry about theirs. I’ve found that to be good advice in just about every area of my life, but especially when it comes to mental health. Getting bogged down by comparison and gatekeeping is usually just a roadblock to your own recovery.
Part of the issue is that everyone experiences some symptoms of ADHD at times. When a NT is under stress they're going to lose their keys. So people see crap on social media and think, Oh, that's me. If it was just losing your keys and forgetting stuff or being a bit messy or struggling in college then everyone would have ADHD. This is where self diagnosis is annoying. But a lot of us with a late diagnosis did self diagnose first. And for some of us, making phone calls is next to impossible so even trying to navigate a shitty system doesn't happen for a long, long time. My first appointment had to be made by a friend. Distress. That's the defining factor. How much distress do the symptoms cause you? I had a rage inducing conversation with a woman at a flea market last year. I didn't even tell her that I had ADHD. I just said that my brain doesn't function properly. It started related to car keys. I wear mine around my neck. She snarked at me about how she loses her keys frequently. I gave a short response but what I wanted to say is... "Do you lose your keys multiple times everyday? Does it cause you to have a complete meltdown? Do you spend the rest of the day hating yourself? Do you feel like a child because you just CANNOT ever leave the house without forgetting something? Does it spiral out of control and ruin your entire day?". No? Then leave me TF alone with that shit. Add to all that the meds we take. Everyone is going to feel more functional, more energetic and more on top of things on stimulants. That's why they're abused. Obviously, ADHD is a spectrum and just because you don't deal with the above scenario doesn't mean you don't have ADHD. But do your symptoms cause distress? Routinely? Throughout your lifetime? And again, social media makes it seem like fun, quirky behavior. A "superpower"🤮 People want to feel special. And ADHD is "popular" now. But most of us that actually have it would give just about anything to be "normal". I know I've tried to make a deal with the devil many times to make this shit go away!
I seriously wish I could get a diagnosis. I am struggling):
>I know it's never good comparing yourself ADHD or no ADHD, but damn. Well you're right about that >I saw how easy it was for them How did you see someone else's struggle or lack thereof? How?? Bet you also looked like you were coping fine to others.
Thank you - put this perfectly!
I’m officially diagnosed but have lots of friends, got good grades without medication and many people would say I have no issue overcoming it… if you just look from the outside. Is my ADHD also invalid because it looks different than yours or does my sheet of paper suddenly make it ok for me to have both struggles and successes? You sound super young so I don’t want to be harsh, but ADHD is a spectrum and we all look a little different. You also have no idea whether the person “has no issues overcoming it” when you’re looking from the outside and you have no idea what barriers the person has to seeking or obtaining a diagnosis, whether it be financial, logistical, or emotional. Finally, please have some compassion for other young people! Being a teenager is incredibly difficult for everyone and mental health issues have skyrocketed across the board. Diagnosing yourself with a mental disorder is a clear call for help, whether the child ends up correct about what is wrong. Everyone is just doing their best on this planet! Please try to adjust your attitude about this issue. Whether other people self diagnose has fuck-all to do with you and this mindset only hurts you. There will always be someone better, smarter, richer and better looking than you and sometimes that person might also have ADHD. Or only be self-diagnosed, or have a trust fund, or whatever leg up they have, and that’s still ok. It’s just life. Mr. Rogers likes you just the way you are, friend ❤️
My fear around seeking a diagnosis is that I'll pay €1000 to be told I don't have anything wrong with me.
Now mind you, that was just me, but I went in feeling the same. I wasn‘t sure if paying more on my monthly health insurance for a full year would be worth it, given I wasn‘t even sure I had ADHD. I had been managing so far (27y/o at the time), right? With health insurance it cost me about 3‘000 Swiss francs (about the same in €/US$). Without.. like 3x the amount. insane. Before telling me my diagnosis (or lack thereof), my therapist asked, what I thought it would be. Mind you, the assessment had been two months of basically weekly sessions; anamnesis, tests, questionnaires. My answer? „not too sure, I‘d guess either slightly above or slightly below the threshold for diagnosis“ My therapist chuckled and told me about being a bit off. I meet the criteria for moderate to severe ADHD. And MDD (no surprise). Him chuckling was ok because, oh boy was I far off but also, because he has the same diagnoses himself. Long story short: I wasn‘t sure. It was really expensive. I don‘t regret a thing. Meds and therapy have really been helping me, but not as much as knowing more about what‘s going on within me, lessening the blame I put on myself.
Dude I'm going to be so real with you, I tell everyone who asks me about the diagnostic process. You really won't be considered for diagnosis unless you show some symptoms. Also it's the self doubt that really tips me off when I think someone has it too. Even though I'm diagnosed I sometimes wonder if I'm "faking it" and I don't actually have it, in the end a diagnosis is really a step toward getting better, if you have it then your road stops there, if you don't, carry on to the next step. It's just giving yourself answers and dulling down your self doubt.
I also often have the fear that I’m secretly “faking it” despite being professionally diagnosed. I usually try to negate this by asking myself “why would I fake something that actively makes my life harder and makes me miserable?” It works sometimes.
Can I share the perspective of my therapist that really helped me overcome that fear? I had been seeing her for about half a year before she suggested I might have ADHD (news to me!) and I had the same fear. It's so expensive, and if you don't get a diagnosis, is that a waste? She kept reminding me that it's still incredibly important because either a) you have it, now you get to sort that huge part of your life out, or b) you don't have it, and that's just as valuable to know because it ticks off a massive potential cause for a lot of your traumas, and you can now put that to rest and focus on digging deeper into root causes for said traumas. After those conversations, I did book my assessment, and yes I do have ADHD, but I also felt ready to accept if I didn't, and pivot the direction our therapy sessions may have then taken.
My fear was that I'd be told I didn't have it and that meant I really *was* just lazy and selfish like I'd always been told :(
The first time I saw a psychiatrist I scored 79 on my wender-utah exam and was told I was "just depressed" because I had symptoms of anhedonia. (like not being able to focus on tv shows I was watching lmao) I saw a second psychiatrist who actually specialized in ADHD, and she immediately could tell I had ADHD and easily differentiated between depressive and psychotic symptoms and the common ADHD manifestations of poor self-concept and self regulation. The wild difference in care and quality between psychiatrists makes it absolutely terrifying to get diagnosed. Especially since RSD is huge in ADHD. It was the biggest reason I put off diagnosis for years, and it caused me to be depressed for a week after I saw the first psychiatrist because I was truly doubting myself and my own lived experiences and was deeply impacted by the experience. I will say though that it can veer too far in the other direction. My friend saw a psychiatrist at her college when she was having a mental breakdown after a breakup, told them she thought she had ADHD, they said "you don't test high enough for it but if you say you have it we'll diagnose you," and proceeded to immediately give her a 30mg prescription of IR Adderall. She ended up in the hospital after the first day because she overdosed and had a psychotic breakdown. It sucks because she definitely is ND, possibly does have AuDHD, but struggles with high anxiety as well. Because of their lack of quality care she's scared to get treated any further.
I hate how it’s seen as a quirk now. I once had a boyfriend (ex now) who legitimately said “you shouldnt believe what they say on the internet, when you get ads about being diagnosed, those are fake.” Obviously implying that my diagnosis came from a TikTok that I found relatable even after seeing me take Ritalin every morning before class. Another instance of (also a man btw) a person thinking that I said it to be “cute” was a friend from college. I told him that I was at work but I couldn’t get one task done and blamed my ADHD, and he goes on to say “you don’t have ADHD lol”. Finally, the most recent occurrence of a situation like this was when I went to a tutor for help organizing my essay. I told him that it was all over the place and that I had random things highlighted but I had a color code system on what my highlight meant. I went on to say “sorry if this is confusing, my head is all over the place and I need help organizing my thoughts”. He didn’t say anything too obvious at first but I think he thought I was just trying to act cute. He goes on to say “we’re in a world where everyone has adhd “ . I’ve noticed that it’s usually men who think it’s me trying to be cute. Most women accept it or even ask me about getting diagnosed because they feel that they relate to my issues. But I hate that it’s seen as a form of being “quirky”. It’s like saying I have been diagnosed with ADHD is the equivalent of being that main character in a rom-com who calls herself super clumsy.
I cant tell if this is meant to be an anti self diagnosis post or if its just a rant about the fakers cus they're two very different things
Yeah, I think it’s also harmful when people say “I’m so ocd” just because they like things neat and organised.
This is a huge bugbear of mine, that's not ocd, true ocd can be debilitating and horrible.
OCD can literally take over your life and turn it into a nightmare. And the worst part is that your only enemy is your own brain and it knows all your thoughts and weaknesses. Which makes every intrusive thought especially tailored to you and the things that make you hate yourself.
"I'm so manic rn" \*literally just hyper\*
I often repeat and tell them, “oh wow you have OCPD!” (Which is the obsessive compulsive personality disorder, which many people have when they say “I like/prefer neat.”
I love the people that decided I have OCD because I like CERTAIN thing organised CERTAIN way. No, bob, there isn’t a compulsion, there isn’t an obsessive thought I’m trying to counter act, I just like the Pringles stacked in that particular order because it looks better! I like things neat because my brain is chaotic 🤷♀️ and I can’t ‘see’ if my environment isn’t tidy.
I’m 37, and might have a form of adhd. But at this point I’m not sure what the point is of getting it diagnosed. I’m just living my life like I know something is possible wrong, but it’s not getting me down. And only two people know I feel like this. I never talk about it
I diagnosed myself after carefully watching my daughter for a decade and asking “why” and then being like “oh shit, I’m the tree and she’s the apple”. Took a deep dive into my own 40 year history and shit…she got it from me. I managed to get a masters despite all of this, but instead of studying like everyone else, I would get chipotle and go watch separate housewives and Gilmore girls reruns because I didn’t know how to study and couldn’t force myself to.
You don't know what's going on in their heads. By all accounts in high school I looked normal and had a happy existence because I am good at masking while on the inside I was dealing with depression that was difficult to verbalize, ADHD that wasn't being adequately treated (and that I didn't even know about) and a general feeling of denial about my own mental state and hating myself to an extreme degree. You also don't know who is self diagnosed until and unless they disclose it. It can be really frustrating having your diagnosis seemingly thrown around and used to describe a completely normal situation, but keep in mind that many disabilities are invisible and many people are excellent at masking the darker and harder symptoms.
Yes, and they may feel too self-conscious or ashamed to share their more unmanageable symptoms. I made a mistake of sharing of my ADHD diagnosis with a coworker once and he immediately questioned me and said he didn’t believe I had it because I acted ‘normal’. The wild thing was he was also diagnosed with ADHD as a kid though he had a bad experience with it and meds so maybe that’s partially why he side-eyes the whole idea. But when asked for examples, I couldn’t give much because some were too embarrassing (my messy apartment, my obsessive fanfic reading distraction) or detrimental to my professional face (the fact I spend half the day staring at my laptop screen pretending to work). So I came off sounding like I had really superficial and manageable symptoms.
I think your main mistake here is implying that adults do it for same reason as teens do and you look all 'self diagnosed' through lens of your experience. Annoying person is annoying person, no matter their issues. And comparing yourself with annoying ones uses up your energy you could instead use to be inspired by people who you do appreciate, yourself included. I tend to take seriously those people who take themselves seriously. No matter the age, just statistically more common in those 30+. I don't ask for medical records when someone tells me they have/had cancer, depression nor for any other diagnosis. I go from assumption that they know why they told me whatever they told me and that they're being truthful. However, they still have to be decent, kind people to be in my close circle and that their words matter to me :) jerks with diagnosis are still jerks and won't be allowed close (or will be expelled if jerkiness presents itself later). Took me a lot of time to get to this point. Me understanding that someone has this or that doesn't equate to me keeping them close, especially not just BECAUSE they have this or that. It's not my burden to carry, and especially it's not my mission to help them - everyone is responsible for themselves, and accountable for their behaviour. Those who aren't anymore are not those people anymore, so again, not my burden. At the beginning it hurt to even look at peers critically, but with time I came up to point of looking everyone like that. Last being my parents, and they got expelled from my circle. Yes they have own traumas and issues, I understand generational trauma and we can talk all day which differential diagnoses they probably have. At the end of the day, they don't treat me respectfully or kind, so they had to go. Distancing from peers and not giving a fuck about how they're doing was much much easier, in hindsight. Back then it was hard. Focus on yourself and where you were and where you want to go, be inspired by some people, use others as example what not to become, learn from other people's mistakes and good moves, and also your own, and keep growing. For yourself, because you are living your life on your terms. Oh and don't forget, if people talk about something, even if it's annoying, talks are happening and stuff is normalised. And remember, those who ask, have a chance to get what they ask for. Yes, maybe someone will 'falsely' get some accommodation, but at the end of the day, if accommodation helped them to be better at their job, I really don't see the problem. Eg wearing headphones in open office, turning table in different positions and whatever other stuff people might ask for. Just join them and ask for what you need to help you cope better with working environment. Or school if you're still in there. Squeaky wheel gets the grease ;)
I made it through HS, college and got accepted to medical school before being diagnosed. I would’ve never been diagnosed had I not done some self diagnosing that prompted my psych to consider that I had ADHD and not Bipolar 2. This was before I was a medical student so my knowledge was not far above the layman’s understanding of ADHD. Sometimes they aren’t great at narrowing in on diagnoses without the patient doing some self diagnosing that prompts them to work it up further. I am now a third year medical student with severe adhd that makes things a hell of a lot harder for me than if I was neurotypical, but you’d never know it from how well I mask and hide my struggles. Now I have to fight like hell to get testing accommodations because the medical licensing board seems to think my ADHD must not have been bad if I got into med school. I also found out first hand how difficult it is to receive equitable care when I lost my parents insurance and went on Medicaid. It became impossible to continue the therapy and psych care I had established. I had to go through hell just to get the meds I had been taking for years. The barriers to care, especially specialized care from a psychiatrist or neuropsychologist cannot be understated. If you have grown up with access to all of your healthcare needs you don’t realize how challenging it is for the underserved until you’re one of them. People living in poverty are far less likely to be properly worked up for these things and less likely to seek out care until it is life threatening. Further I just don’t see the point of worrying about who does and doesn’t have ADHD unless you are a clinician. Its a harmful mindset to promote.
It took me over 10 years of trying before I finally got a diagnosis and having to read posts like this disparaging self diagnosis during that time was honestly so discouraging and hurtful. It still stings really. I realize your experience is different than mine and you're just venting so I'm not upset at you I just thought I would share my feelings.
Ok, devils advocate here Actually, no , that's not right. This is more so for those who had no choice but to adapt. Not those who just wanted to use a legitimate illness to be "quirky." I was always able to keep friends and maintain relationships. So I'm aware we are all on different spectrums. I think family pressure and hyper awareness can sometimes make it seem like many of us have it together. I was always masking and correcting my behaviors. Always in my head about moving, speaking , "acting correctly." So it made it seem like I wasn't actually dying inside and needed help. Like many others being in a structured school environment and succeeding academically meant I was "fine." It's so hard to get help when you mask good. Unfortunately, that causes issues with others who can't mask or don't mask. It makes them believe the others aren't suffering, but we are. Again, unfortunately, the environment I was in caused me to mask and self correct for my life so no one knew.
Diagnosed with ADHD here! I was able to maintain a mask of normalcy through high school and I had good grades up until college. You don't know what's going on in their lives. Sure, I had good grades, but I was anxious, depressed, burnt out, and suicidal. I didn't get diagnosed until COVID coincided with my first year of college and my mask crumbled to dust. You don't know these people. Get the fuck out of their business.
i chose not to talk too much about it because it’s a touchy subject and i don’t wanna discourage undiagnosed people. i have been self diagnosed for almost seven years because i got denied the diagnostic process. and now here i am, diagnosed twice, in two different countries lol.
I get it; for some of us (myself included), ADHD is a very real struggle that can make our lives literal hell, not a token diagnosis to be used to explain away a simple mistake or the butt of a joke. Net/net those people aren't your people. 🙄 I'm in the U.S. And while there is more conversation around mental health, the stigma still exists, especially in minority communities. I keep my a low-profile when it come sto discussing mu ADHD diagnosis as a WOC; I requested accommodations at work only when I was burnt out and it impacted my health. If nothing else, social media can hopefully generate a more positive, fact-founded global conversation to increase awareness and create an online community of support for those that are suffering.
gotta say this comes across as pretty unnecessarily harsh and seems to include some personal issues that are unrelated to the subject matter of the un/self-diagnosed. you’re only holding yourself back with the frustration. good for you that you had access to testing in your area- not everyone is so lucky as your disclaimer mentioned. even with insurance and good providers for referrals, I’ve been on a waitlist for over 18months now. have some grace and focus on yourself.
I’m diagnosed ADHD and I excelled in school. Granted this is when school didn’t suck a lot of years ago, but. My point is adhd is like a spectrum and while I did well with the structure of school, I failed miserably in other areas.
Getting good grades and having ADHD is possible. I've been formally diagnosed with ADHD yet never had any trouble getting good grades, because I Ioved school and had a good memory (school, and especially reading, pretty much was my special interest). It helped that I grew up in an environment where the adults in my life did a great job of mitigating my ADHD symptoms without any of us realising they were doing it. My uniform was washed and ironed, my lunch was packed, everything I owned had name labels, I was rushed out the door at the right time, even if I'd decided that was the right moment to learn how to play a new musical instrument. It was only once I hit the workforce that I realised how much my ADHD would have held me back if my family weren't so supportive. The rest of my life though? A total dumpster fire.
Honestly feel bad for people who are still figuring things out when I read stuff like this. If it hadn't been for social media during covid, and being to self identify, I never would have got my diagnosis at 37 last year. If I had been shut down by things like this I might still be really struggling. Hopefully noone in that situation reads stuff like this and is deterred, that is harmful. Just to consider that side of it. I definitely don't personally feel that those people make my own situation or getting treatment any more difficult.
I’m 28 - took me until two years ago to get diagnosed and all started with a self-diagnosis. I’d been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but reading online one day about how ADHD presents in women changed everything. suddenly, the way that I’d felt my entire life made sense. it shouldn’t have taken this long, though. I was an honors student in high school, very high-functioning but always stressed, writing papers at 5am the day they were due, etc. I burned out very quickly in college - now I know that my severe depression at that time was exacerbated by ADHD. being on my own for the first time and having a less regimented schedule made a lot of my struggles much more apparent. I had to figure it out on my own as an adult. Looking back, I have had the obvious symptoms of ADHD (mostly inattentive-type) since I was a child, but it was never recognized or addressed. I would get reprimanded for leaving my homework in my backpack in the hallway and not bringing it into the classroom, I’d leave my lunchbox on the playground all the time, but I was a “gifted” kid and got good grades. meanwhile, I was silently struggling for years and always felt like I was different from most of the other kids I went to school with. all this to say - I understand your perspective, but not everyone is lucky enough to get a diagnosis at a young age. also, a lot of us are pros at masking our struggles. I’m willing to give anyone who thinks they may have ADHD the benefit of the doubt as they go on a self-diagnosis journey.
I know it’s not easy to get a diagnoses for a lot of people. I was diagnosed at 30. If someone has done their research and genuinely thinks they have it, I don’t see the issue with self-diagnosis.
I don't have an official diagnosis, and from the outside I look pretty damn put together. I look like I have it all made, and every single day of that is killing me. It takes every ounce energy and mental capacity that I have in me to get through the day. I don't know if your friends did or didn't have it or any people who are self-diagnosed, but I will caution that the people who look like they have it all together maybe dying inside because of it.
While it's great to be in tune with yourself, diagnosing ADHD on your own might miss the mark; getting a pro opinion ensures accuracy and helps in figuring out the best ways to tackle it.
Yeah, it’s interesting that it’s used a fad language now. I was in high school 20 years ago, and it was unheard of to talk about this stuff. When a generation destigmatizes a social norm, like with the Sexual Revolution, collectively, they tend to overuse the language that was taboo as they struggle to find the balance. I also think younger folks are trying to find words for the existential struggle they’re facing so they’re leaning on this language to try to describe components of their developing self-identity. An example might be a high achiever who is overwhelmed & shuts down due to being overextended by pressures from school, tutoring, lessons, sports, clubs, social media, etc. They may think it’s a problem with themselves, but until they exit that environment, they can’t realize it was a problem with the world around them.
ADHD is different for everyone too. I was one of those people but had no idea it was ADHD and shit didn’t start falling apart until middle age and motherhood when it all became too much.
It only bothers me when people go online claiming to be coaches or influencers on the subject to make money. Shilling bad products. I realized it’s a huge “relatable” content base. That being said it’s just annoying. My life glows on.
They could very well have ADHD actually. My husband presents VERY differently from me. He's always been super awesome at school, academics, and has a mind for all things mechanical. He's always excelled in school, so he went undiagnosed for a long time. For myself, I was HORRIBLE in school! Always daydreaming (busy mind) and always doodling, my mind was typically else where, and I had trouble focusing on whatever the teacher was trying to teach. (I found it all very boring) I didn't present in the typical outwardly way most people do. I was never on time for anything (so as an adult, I show up way too early for everything and set multiple alarms AND calendar reminders. I thought that was me being "normal and responsible" ha haaaaa....) I was messy and forgetful, too (still am!). I would genuinely forget a lot of things. I remember my parents being very angry with me for it and accusing me of lying 😅 I always had an "excuse" for anything. (That's what I was met with every time I tried communicating my struggles) TLDR: Just because someone's struggles are different from yours, doesn't mean they don't have their own struggles within a mental health diagnosis.
I'm currently not diagnosed, but when I mentioned to my friends I'm going to get tested, one who is doing a PhD in psychology just said finally, you figured it out. Because he's a friend he couldn't tell me, but he confirmed he's known I have it for a long time. I was tested as a child, I had a ton of symptoms but I'm a girl and didn't have all the male symptoms so I was just classed as a naughty kid, even though I was struggling badly. I'm also smart, which didn't help. I also met a lot of other women who have it via my women's bouldering group. They're medicated and have told me it's obvious to them because I talk like they used to and I'm kinda hyper at the gym. Also, I've broken my little finger twice there by getting distracting or rushing up a climb...
My mom sent me my test results recently, which has been crazy to look through: “In summary, wild_oats is a delightful, 16-year-old adolescent female who presents with a history that is consistent with a diagnosis of Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder, Primarily Inattentive Type. wild_oats history of struggles with task completion, inattention, and completing and turning in assignments, are all consistent with this diagnosis. Additionally, wild_oats has a strong family history for ADHD, as two of her brothers have also been diagnosed with ADHD. wild_oats is a very bright young woman, and it is likely that this diagnosis has not been obvious, as she has been able to compensate for her weakness with attention and concentration, with her strong intellectual skills. Superior abilities in verbal and nonverbal reasoning areas are strengths for her. wild_oats has relative weaknesses with respect to processing speed, and areas that are sensitive to inattention and distractibility, such as auditory memory. The current test findings reveal that wild_oats’ computational arithmetic skills fall in the above average range. According to today's test findings, this does not suggest a significant discrepancy with respect to her functioning. However, previous test results have revealed that this may be an area of relative weakness. It is suspected that this is in part related to wild_oats’ difficulties with sustaining attention.” So yeah, even though I was testing above average, considered “delightful” and meeting expectations at school, I was still struggling daily with symptoms of ADHD. I spent all of high school denying that I had ADHD (as someone who was diagnosed only because my mom was already sensitive to it). I was doing ok and getting by, only to hit college and flop hard immediately, and then continued to flop all through my first 20 or so jobs until I was able to go to my doctor and say “I’m struggling and I need meds quickly or I’m going to get fired again”. I’m surprised I stayed out of jail. I’m surprised I avoided serious addiction and homelessness. I probably wouldn’t if I hadn’t had such an amazing and understanding mom. Maybe those people have it, maybe they don’t, but if they’re undiagnosed they’ll never be able to get the assistance they need as you are able to. They may struggle, as I did, once they’re truly responsible for themselves, because they do have undiagnosed ADHD. They may never get diagnosed because they don’t actually have it, and may always just be the kinda forgetful person who talks about having ADHD. Keep your eyes on your own goals and your own development… consider yourself lucky you have a diagnosis under your belt and a clear path forward with treatment, don’t let it bother you what others are up to.
I was valedictorian of my high school and had tons of friends. I also had no idea I had ADHD at the time, but I was super ashamed and felt something was wrong with me due to my inability to do chores and basic administrative tasks. This has persisted into adulthood as my most problematic symptom. It’s cool to get straight A’s and all, but I’d much rather not have bills going to collections and have the ability to just do the dishes so maggots don’t hatch in my kitchen anymore. You don’t know what people are struggling with.
I was diagnosed as a child. But this argument is to me kind of hostile. And it is a argument that I have heard over and over with alot of things that teens does or say to sound special. When and where I grew up it was depression, self harm and anxiety. But just because some teens say they have it to sound cool, doesen't make all those people who have depression and anxiety any less correct about it without getting the diagnosis. The same goes for ADHD. Tbh I think that sceptisism is really harmfull and does way more damage then you would think. I, for example, did have a lot of problems with anxiety and depression in my teens. But never sought proffetional help because people told me that I diden't and only said so to feel special or something. And I see what damage it does in my own country. Where the ADHD organisation is out public complaining about people getting a diagnosis because of tiktok. Very openly harming and creating new steriotypes for people who say they have ADHD. Making people believe that ADHD is a tiktok trend and people are just pretending. Too me you sound kind of bitter because of how it made you feel at school. But I can promise you this, those feelings would probobly be there even if they diden't say they had ADHD. The reason I am saying that is because I felt the exact same way when I was at school. And I think it is better that teens look at it like this quirky special thing. Because when I grew up, everyone told me "you can't have ADHD, you're too kind". Basicly thinking that kids with ADHD were mean kids that bullied others and generally behaved like shit. I'll take the first one any day over that. Obviusly, we need to listen to people who self diagnose with a slightly sceptical ear, especially when we are talking about teens. People can also misunderstand symptoms, or have a completly different mental condition. But for the most part, people know themself best, and a lot of doctors have no clue what ADHD is and therefore have many wierd thoughts about it. So we should probobly not care that much.
I've been sat on a waiting list for 5 years to be diagnosed and still no appointment in sight. Adhd didn't exist in women when I was growing up, and definitely not in my small, backwards town that still has horse and carriages holding up cars for miles. I'm mid 30s and struggled all my life. I've really fallen off lately tbh and could really do with some relevant support but I've just got to keep dragging myself through this mess of a life.
random thoughts, loosely structured: 1. It doesn't sound like these people were self-diagnosing, they were *faking* a diagnosis as part of "trying to be different and cool." My high school also had these kids, and I had all the same annoyances with them. My instinct is still to get a bit territorial over my diagnosis now. I totally feel everything you said. 2. It's just...the process of being diagnosed/getting treatment is so the opposite of ADHD-friendly. I don't think I could have managed it unmedicated, paradoxically. (I was diagnosed early.) We know it's crazy underdiagnosed by doctors. So it feels like an access issue to say "go through the diagnosis process before I consider you a part of the community." 3. I, a layperson with ADHD, am way more educated about ADHD than most doctors I've seen. (I blame the failings of the US healthcare system, not the doctors.) So it seems silly to make doctors the absolute benchmark here until we start prioritizing evidence-based care and updated research about what ADHD looks like and what causes it.
Your feelings are valid and completely understandable. however please remember that adhd varies in severity and often times you don’t see what that person is actually struggling with behind the scenes. Like for example I did fine in school- got good grades, got my bachelor’s without any interruptions, then went on to get my master’s. I had a good group of friends back then and even now. However I was diagnosed with ADHD 2 weeks ago because forgetting important details, it was HELL getting through school, my emotional dysregulation issues were ruining my romantic relationships, complete disorganization in life and school, my rejection sensitivity dysphoria, etc were severely getting in the way of all the good I built up in my life. And I was tired of living feeling like I couldn’t trust myself to handle my emotions or even stay organized with the easiest things. I’m grateful I have people in my life that put up with this and saw it as just my quirks & stubbornness on the outside, but in reality it was and continues to be debilitating because I feel like I’m not reaching my potential because of this fucking disorder on top of pushing away really good people.
Nah. Your personal feelings matter less than someone’s mental health. For many a diagnosis is all but impossible, you don’t get to tell them their experiences are less valid than mine because I had the resources to find a psychiatrist. Just because you’ve personally had bad experiences with people who clearly just liked the label doesn’t mean you’re the authority on who gets to self diagnose. Until healthcare is accessible and reliable, I’ll stand by the fact that a thoughtful and well researched self diagnosis is valid. What you’re describing is people using adhd for attention. Those are separate things. We can’t punish one for the actions of the other.
Have you considered that in a system with an expensive and convoluted medical system which does not serve all people, having a medical diagnosis is a privilege? I say this kindly but please consider the privilege inherent in your headline. We don’t need to gatekeep.
Amen! In my county (Europe) the waitlist is years and ADHD isn’t diagnosed in adult women, when you have emotional dysregulation regardless of anything else you’ll get told you have BPD even if you don’t fit it at all so going through assessment is useless anyway. We still live in an age where men get to diagnose women with “hysteria”. Glad you are able to get diagnosed but most people aren’t ever able.
Self diagnosis doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is using a diagnosis as an excuse for all of one’s shortcomings, or saying “I can’t ___ because I have ADHD and I’ll never get better.” I don’t tolerate that shit at all.
Bro... "I can't because I have ADHD" is a MAJOR pet peeve of mine. I can't stand it. I know my ADHD is not comparable to others but what I ***do*** know is that we ***can*** work on getting better. It just makes me feel like they're giving a bad rep for us. I struggle with horrible executive dysfunction but I find ways to progress, it's bad but I'm not going to use it as an excuse to quit trying because I don't want to allow ANYONE to use that shit as an excuse.
If i say i only Think i have adhd, there’s a big risk people will think of it as another TikTok-diagnosis. It’s not. In my country the 9 months I waited for an appointment with a psychiatrist is considered a short wait. I have only just gotten my appointment now. And now I wait for the whole process. I’m still very sure cause I’ve been using the waiting time to lean as much as humanly possible to be sure I actually have it. And to implement helpful routines to my life, to make it easier and my life is a lot easier now, but I still struggle a lot.
This is why you shouldnt compare yourself to others. Even in diagnosed people, the way ADHD affects your life varies greatly. ADHD has different severity depending on how much it affects you. And a lot of people with ADHD are great at pretending theyre doing well. We will never truly know how much someone struggles with something because we're not them. The only reason why I got diagnosed was because I "self diagnosed" first and I was lucky to have a therapist that listened to me. I think some people think its quirky or whatever, which Ive seen, but I dont find self diagnosis bad at all. Specially when there are so many barriers for a diagnosis.
I was self diagnosed from 13 until 27, when I was finally able to get a formal diagnosis. I live in a healthcare/treatment desert. I personally know no one who is self diagnosed and doesn't clearly have ADHD. Are you gen z?
Genuinely, what's there to talk about?
well you have to also understand that not everyone who has adhd have “no issues” because they probably do but are good at managing them. i’m not saying you’re not, i’m just saying that some people can manage their symptoms better than others and there’s nothing wrong with that.
i definitely understand the frustration. but i also know that there’s a lot of factors contributing to the availability and accessibility of diagnoses. in addition some people fear that getting a diagnosis could cost the opportunities in the future/make people view them differently (i don’t necessarily believe this but i know it’s not an uncommon thought). my perspective is, self diagnosis is fine, and can even be beneficial. however - i do think that people who aren’t diagnose should refrain from talking a lot about it on social media (largely tiktok). mostly because it can (and has) spread so much misinformation (“do you have adhd? here are ‘symptoms’ that by themself literally anyone can have but im going to convince you that it means you have adhd”). i think one of the core benefits of self diagnosis is using that to adjust how you view yourself and to make adjustments to your life to help alleviate adhd symptoms. i also don’t necessarily see anything wrong with discussing it with close friends/family ie. “i’m sorry i’ve been really messy, i suspect i have adhd which is impacting my ability to maintain a cleaning routine but i am working on improving it”.
Idk, I never thought I had adhd. I always had friends and good grades but it turns out I really did have adhd and didn’t find out until later in life. It seemed easy to people on the outside but life was hard for me as well and I ended up accumulating a lot of trauma from the lack of care and medical/psych follow up…. I think you were lucky that you got the care and attention you needed. The truth is that even though we have the same diagnosis we will not have the same exact deficiencies….
This is why you shouldnt compare yourself to others. Even in diagnosed people, the way ADHD affects your life varies greatly. ADHD has different severity depending on how much it affects you. And a lot of people with ADHD are great at pretending theyre doing well. We will never truly know how much someone struggles with something because we're not them. The only reason why I got diagnosed was because I "self diagnosed" first and I was lucky to have a therapist that listened to me. I think some people think its quirky or whatever, which Ive seen, but I dont find self diagnosis bad at all. Specially when there are so many barriers for a diagnosis.
I think it’s important to remember everything in life is a spectrum and how it impacts us is its own spectrum. My brother and I both had ADHD, both equally severe. How it effects both of us is completely different in terms of ability to succeed. Down to things as small as I can clean my room, but I struggle to leave the house. My brother can’t clean a single thing and has no problem leaving the house. I could turn in homework, he couldn’t. He can absorb information at incredible levels, and I can’t remember a single persons name on a tv series I watched start to finish multiple times. Studying? Oh did that like my life depended on it and got a C. My brother got an A and didn’t show up for class. I think it’s important to remember that all of our experiences are different. Looking back on life, it’s truly shocking I wasn’t diagnosed before I was 30. I would joke to at I had ADHD, until one day my husband said, “you do know you have ADHD. You’re the poster child for it.” The way my jaw dropped was straight from a cartoon. Soon after I scheduled an appointment and was diagnosed, my life is infinitely better. All because of a joke that was secretly looking for someone to confirm I wasn’t losing my mind. Those interactions might be the same for those women. They are hoping for validation to ask for help.
As someone who may well appear to have it all together from an outside perspective and is also officially diagnosed with inattentive type ADHD and GAD, here’s what others don’t see, only me and my family do.: Intrusive thoughts, panic attacks, being able to do the thing only at the very last minute and brute forcing it through a combination of fairly high iq and hyper focus, adhd paralysis, serious rejection sensitivity, serious emotional lability, being overstimulated and over touched, physical sensory issues, difficulty prioritizing, misplacing things, etc etc. It’s really so unfair that other people appear to have it all together from an outside perspective. You’re your own worst critic because you have the unfortunate perspective of seeing ALL your flaws. I’m sure plenty of high schoolers faked it to be “interesting”, but plenty of people with ADHD are struggling invisibly to others.
Remember also, there are degrees to everything. Your ADHD might be very different from another. My husband is inattentive ADHD and I'm combined. They definitely have different spices.
I completely understand. I’ve had friends who said they have it. They do NOT. They’ve never had a single issue or symptom but they struggle to pay attention in adulthood and think that qualifies… Meanwhile, these are the some of the same people who have chastised me over ADHD symptoms. “*Why are you so sensitive? OMG! It’s not that serious! Why aren’t you ever on time?!*” It fills me with white hot rage to even think about. That being said, it’s much less about an official diagnosis for me and more about a lack of fundamental understanding of the disorder they’re pretending to have, and how it impacts others. Even worse when they try to play up what they THINK the symptoms are…
Faking having ADHD isn't the same as self diagnosing, and anyone who is knowingly faking it sucks. It seems like it's along the same lines as people saying "haha I'm so OCD" when they have no idea the depth of the struggles that a person with OCD has, so I get the frustration. Getting diagnosed young is a privilege. I was only able to get diagnosed at 32 and my traits were used as a reason to justify abuse. I wouldn't have been able to get a proper diagnosis without self diagnosing first.
And also…how are people that are self diagnosed getting scripts without any paperwork?
For me it’s some people on social media that use a supposed diagnosis for likes. They romanticise it and frame ADHD as this quirky, fun thing, which it is very much NOT. I saw a video where an actual ADHDer commented on this issue and said “My brain torture is not your aesthetic!” and damn I felt that.
It bothers me too. Funnily in always drawn to people with ADhD; although initially I didn’t know why (I was undiagnosed) and none of them flaunted their diagnosis. Then after we started becoming friends they’d say “so you have adhd too huh?” And I was like nawww not me. After the 6th person told me something similar (and she happened to be my therapist lol) I decided to get tested. Those people who love to say they have adhd (or whatever mental health problem is in vogue at the time) make it harder for us to get taken seriously. I don’t tell anyone about my adhd until it becomes glaringly obvious (if someone is my friend or coworker long enough I’m bound to do something adhd-related that would otherwise be seen as totally rude or odd). But family members in particular totally dismissed me when I let them know, except eventually my dad started noticing that he has many inattentive-type traits himself (he’s known by some of his friends as the “absent-minded professor”)
people who done self-diagnose or use ADHD as an adjective or an insult about someone have put me off making a real diagnosis for a good few years. I had some suspicions but social media and people diagnosing themselves through short videos have made me stop taking my symptoms seriously. I thought that everyone has problems like me, and the fact that it's so hard for me is my fault and I shouldn't admit it. I'm over 30. I've already gone through a wild burnout and I'm in my second therapy. I was recently diagnosed (psychotherapist, psychiatrist and psychologist working together) with ADHD and it was an incredibly important thing in my life. to move on, learn not to hurt myself, use the help of medication. I'm sorry if someone doesn't have access to a proper diagnosis, I really empathize with you. But the fact is that such people made me downplay my mental health for a long time and now I often don't feel like my diagnosis is taken seriously.