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"I've been reading and learning a lot since our daughter's diagnosis. Pretty sure we both have ADHD but went undiagnosed because we are both inattentive type."
I know it was very common for boys to get a diagnosis during the 80s and 90s, but his brother had so many issues that any issues my husband had weren't really paid attention to because he wasn't the "problem child" in my in-laws minds. As for myself, well I'm female and we all know that story.
For me as well. My brother was diagnosed in the 90s with ADHD. Then later bipolor. Then later, still schizophrenia . When parents say "we never had to worry about you, you were the easy one." I don't think they understand how much that really stings.
Omg your brother sounds like my BIL. However he was diagnosed as bipolar as a teen. ADHD as a kid. He's in his 40s now and honestly we suspect schizophrenia. He was in juvenile detention in high school and was eventually institutionalized until he was 18. They've used the "easy one" line on my husband and I know it hurts him.
The one thing my parents did for me that really helped even though I didn't have a diagnosis was to homeschool me starting in middle school.
"Heyyyy, so I've been doing some reading and I have, like, so many benchmarks for ADHD. Knowing that there's stuff I can do to make my life more friction-free is really exciting to me, so I'm going to dig in and learn more and talk to a doctor. Honestly it's a relief to think this has a name, whew!"
You don't need his permission. You don't get to decide what he thinks, but you also shouldn't pre-catastrophize it. Either he is a good partner and will say cool, I'm glad you're glad, that's exciting or he isn't and he will not be nice.
>We both have always thought it was just being hyper and not being able to pay attention.
Wellll, you might want to double-check the name of the disorder? Seems like y'all have both known you have it for some time.
its scary to be vulnerable about it for sureee. Im also not diagnosed and i have a lot of imposter syndrome about it (apparently not enough to keep me from commenting though lol) but I have sooo many thoughts and so much to say about it i just wanna talk to everyone close to me and see what they think, but its way too anxiety inducing!! i mostly just blab to my almost-definitely-adhd bestie and he validates me a lot. but whenever i mention it to my mum she doesnt seem to really have anything to say about it and it kinda triggers my insecurity around feeling uncertain so while not exactly the same i absolutely get where youre coming from. i dont have a perfect answer but maybe if you decide to share with him maybe you could start the conversation by telling him its extremely important to you and that you need his support and for your enthusiasm to be at least understood, even better maybe even mirrored? you might also tell him since this is a big deal he may need to be patient and help you along in the case that you get frustrated and feel like dropping it
I found a few videos that showed my daily experience. There was one recently that I shared with him, my mum, and several friends and I think it was the most helpful them to understand how difficult and isolating it’s been.
here it is in case it helps you. [https://youtu.be/DlFkfOqtgR8?si=t93kXL\_bb1S6s\_et](https://youtu.be/DlFkfOqtgR8?si=t93kXL_bb1S6s_et) (it might be triggering)
it seems like some other videos seemed like fun too much, or too much like what they experience only they don’t realise it’s not exager at all in the video. That one was so much like my school experience (only I finished school 35 years ago) it made me cry buckets for hours… so just be warned in case it is like your experience!
I read to him some of the symptoms listed in TakingCharge of Adult ADHD. He was like - yeah that’s you to like all of them. Then it was like - okay so that probably means I have adhd
" just being hyper and not being able to pay attention" is basically the tl/dr for ADHD. You both have always thought you had ADHD without recognizing it.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was 45, about 15 years into my marriage. Getting medicated saved our marriage. I am a better, kinder, more responsible person. I am not cured, or perfect, but now at least I am not a total mess.
I think you may be putting far too much weight on this. If you can get help for all your problems, why not try? Why do you think your spouse would be opposed to you getting help?
I don't think he would be opposed. Maybe slightly insensitive as to why I am making a big deal about it. But like I said it is a real ah ha moment so it's important. You are probably right tho. Too much weight on it now I feel even more stupid lol
At one point in the process, I sent him a link to a comedian talking about how his wife with ADHD cleans their place. I think it's hilarious. And a bit sad, probably. But mostly hilarious (when you can brush over the part where he invalidates ADD selfdiagnosis. I for myself decided he's not aiming at real ADD'ers, but the fakers that are also very real. Just wanted to warn anyone beforehand, as it might be pretty upsetting). Anyways, that video made him say "damn, that explains so much! That's so you!"
So I guess I still recommend that approach, if it fits your personal style of humour.
Here's the link for anyone interested: https://youtu.be/v3I0YsfMJS8?si=wmHYhfxNnlge1NSE
Oh no! Then try finding it for yourself. It's Drew Lnych's "being married to someone with ADHD".
(yes, I was typing while watching my current fav tv show and did not verify if the title I typed was what I always search for or what it's actually called. I rectified that now.)
And I just realized I copied the link while the stupid commercial was still on. So you had the once in a lifetime opportunity to enjoy a German drug store commercial 😇
I'll muster up the patience to wait till the actual video is on and then edit my former reply and post a link that actually works.
Dear Assessors, I guess you have all the evidence you needed.
Well, after suggesting to search for yourself I tried the link and realized pretty quickly what had happened. Might not have been the first time I made that mistake
I was diagnosed with ADD in the 1980’s because of my barely passing grades. Nothing to do about it.
I was diagnosed with ADHD two years ago when my college daughter flunked out due to being ADHD. I have a daughter that is autistic.
My husband asked for a divorce last night after twenty six years. He can’t take the mental load anymore. I was a stay at home mom for twenty years. I have no clue what is about to happen to me.
I wish that I could give you a positive response.
I find it helpful to front load my fears to people if I'm afraid they might react poorly to something that is important to me.
I might say something like: "Hey, (partner), do you think you could make some time to talk with me about something that's been on my mind for a while? I've been holding myself back from talking to you because I'm afraid you might dismiss me and make me feel like my concerns aren't important."
I'm my experience, people who are genuinely good and don't want to hurt you will take great care of the words they choose when responding to whatever comes next. They might even try to soothe your feelings. The not so good ones take it as a personal attack, as if you being scared makes them look bad or something. I hope that's a little helpful.
I posed this question to my husband and his answer was "Oh we know. We KNOW."
I think he's the one who told me I had adhd. I really don't remember how it came up. But he asked me to get assessed.
“My therapist wonders if have ADHD.”
And then we talked a bit about my situation and I started exploring possible solutions. He might’ve looked into things himself too and later sent me the Autism Quotient test as he thinks that could be helpful as well.
Then I went on waitlists for a neuropsychological assessment because psychiatrists don’t want to diagnose me. I made sure I find one that was in-network so we didn’t need to spend unnecessary amount of money. And got diagnosed.
My diagnosis was within the last month. My husband has been mostly supportive, but while the news was life changing for me, it really hasn't made that much difference to him. I did ask him last week if he ever suspected I was ADHD, and he said he had. I was a little bit disappointed that the diagnosis seemed to be a lot more important to me than him, so be prepared for that.
I am afraid of that. We joke about what I now know are symptoms, so I have a feeling it might be the same for me. Like "I hope the baby doesn't get your anger" har har. Or how my memory is shit and I mess up talking all the time because my brain works faster than my mouth. But then there are the more serious symptoms that he can't see. The symptoms that make me afraid to talk to him about and create posts like this. Like racing obsessive thoughts. Depression. Avoidance behavior. Even the fact that I can't remember things is starting to scare me.
I just hope he appreciates the dark side of it and not just the parts like thinking it's funny that I lost my phone for the 10th time that day..
I get that. I don't know that I have shared with him all of the worst things. He knows about the depression, but I haven't really discussed with him the racing obsessive thoughts or the struggles I have when he says something that I take as a rejection and then go into self-protection mode. I think I need to get a better handle on understanding these things myself before I share this with him. I may never share it with him. I'm not sure he needs to be aware of all my demons.
I think I had a much easier go about coming out about my suspicions with my partner.
She was with me when I started my journey into researching and getting help for my migraines. I thought the brain fog, lopsided emotions, forgetfulness, and 'autopilot' behaviors I had were from my migraines, as that was what I was told growing up, and I'd recently moved to this new state to be close to her, which caused my migraines to escalate in frequency. (I have one right now, haha.) I found myself struggling hard with keeping up with work, with fatigue and burnout, etc. I needed help, and for a while I sought it. But answers never came and migraine meds never made me less... this.
A year later I learned about inattentive ADHD and everything clicked for me. That was it. That was *me*. But I was afraid to bring it up to anyone, including my partner, for several months. I was scared of having those thoughts invalidated.
When I brought it up finally, my partner listened, and enthusiastically encouraged me to get checked. not only that, but for the months between my telling her and my diagnosis, she would point out things to me I didn't notice I was doing and she would say, "that's ADHD." And she was right every time. (it answered SO many questions about things I struggle with -- things that were completely unrelated, I thought.)
What I think you should try is, sit your husband down and explain that you've found your symptoms to be disruptive and distressing. That on the outside, you look like you aren't struggling that hard, but on the inside, you feel like you're standing on 3 stacked computer chairs to reach fine china on the topmost shelf of a glass kitchen. Things are just really, really hard, and you can manage it okay until one little thing goes wrong and then you can't manage at all. Tell him, "I have some ideas on what it could be based off of what I've been researching, \[you can tell him you think it's ADHD at this point if you are comfortable\] and I would like to talk to a \[professional\] to gain some clarity and an action plan going forward, but I desperately need your support and understanding going forward. You are my rock, and your faith in me is more than a treasure, it's empowering."
Phrasing it like a favor, like a call for help, should help him to see that you're not asking him for permission to change, you're asking him for support while you navigate this delicate and vulnerable time. I didn't word my conversation like this with my partner because I hadn't thought of it like that then, but I also knew I didn't have to, because she'd been supporting me on finding answers for a while and she had the context built up already to know how important this was to me.
This made me cry. It's very well written and extremely helpful.
My jaw dropped when you started talking about migraines. The fact that you said auto pilot. That is the exact way I describe how I am when I am having one. Like ...vacant. Are you saying this is adhd also?
I absolutely have to talk to him about this now. Thank you.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"I've been reading and learning a lot since our daughter's diagnosis. Pretty sure we both have ADHD but went undiagnosed because we are both inattentive type." I know it was very common for boys to get a diagnosis during the 80s and 90s, but his brother had so many issues that any issues my husband had weren't really paid attention to because he wasn't the "problem child" in my in-laws minds. As for myself, well I'm female and we all know that story.
For me as well. My brother was diagnosed in the 90s with ADHD. Then later bipolor. Then later, still schizophrenia . When parents say "we never had to worry about you, you were the easy one." I don't think they understand how much that really stings.
Omg your brother sounds like my BIL. However he was diagnosed as bipolar as a teen. ADHD as a kid. He's in his 40s now and honestly we suspect schizophrenia. He was in juvenile detention in high school and was eventually institutionalized until he was 18. They've used the "easy one" line on my husband and I know it hurts him. The one thing my parents did for me that really helped even though I didn't have a diagnosis was to homeschool me starting in middle school.
"Heyyyy, so I've been doing some reading and I have, like, so many benchmarks for ADHD. Knowing that there's stuff I can do to make my life more friction-free is really exciting to me, so I'm going to dig in and learn more and talk to a doctor. Honestly it's a relief to think this has a name, whew!" You don't need his permission. You don't get to decide what he thinks, but you also shouldn't pre-catastrophize it. Either he is a good partner and will say cool, I'm glad you're glad, that's exciting or he isn't and he will not be nice. >We both have always thought it was just being hyper and not being able to pay attention. Wellll, you might want to double-check the name of the disorder? Seems like y'all have both known you have it for some time.
its scary to be vulnerable about it for sureee. Im also not diagnosed and i have a lot of imposter syndrome about it (apparently not enough to keep me from commenting though lol) but I have sooo many thoughts and so much to say about it i just wanna talk to everyone close to me and see what they think, but its way too anxiety inducing!! i mostly just blab to my almost-definitely-adhd bestie and he validates me a lot. but whenever i mention it to my mum she doesnt seem to really have anything to say about it and it kinda triggers my insecurity around feeling uncertain so while not exactly the same i absolutely get where youre coming from. i dont have a perfect answer but maybe if you decide to share with him maybe you could start the conversation by telling him its extremely important to you and that you need his support and for your enthusiasm to be at least understood, even better maybe even mirrored? you might also tell him since this is a big deal he may need to be patient and help you along in the case that you get frustrated and feel like dropping it
I found a few videos that showed my daily experience. There was one recently that I shared with him, my mum, and several friends and I think it was the most helpful them to understand how difficult and isolating it’s been. here it is in case it helps you. [https://youtu.be/DlFkfOqtgR8?si=t93kXL\_bb1S6s\_et](https://youtu.be/DlFkfOqtgR8?si=t93kXL_bb1S6s_et) (it might be triggering) it seems like some other videos seemed like fun too much, or too much like what they experience only they don’t realise it’s not exager at all in the video. That one was so much like my school experience (only I finished school 35 years ago) it made me cry buckets for hours… so just be warned in case it is like your experience!
I read to him some of the symptoms listed in TakingCharge of Adult ADHD. He was like - yeah that’s you to like all of them. Then it was like - okay so that probably means I have adhd
" just being hyper and not being able to pay attention" is basically the tl/dr for ADHD. You both have always thought you had ADHD without recognizing it. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 45, about 15 years into my marriage. Getting medicated saved our marriage. I am a better, kinder, more responsible person. I am not cured, or perfect, but now at least I am not a total mess. I think you may be putting far too much weight on this. If you can get help for all your problems, why not try? Why do you think your spouse would be opposed to you getting help?
I don't think he would be opposed. Maybe slightly insensitive as to why I am making a big deal about it. But like I said it is a real ah ha moment so it's important. You are probably right tho. Too much weight on it now I feel even more stupid lol
At one point in the process, I sent him a link to a comedian talking about how his wife with ADHD cleans their place. I think it's hilarious. And a bit sad, probably. But mostly hilarious (when you can brush over the part where he invalidates ADD selfdiagnosis. I for myself decided he's not aiming at real ADD'ers, but the fakers that are also very real. Just wanted to warn anyone beforehand, as it might be pretty upsetting). Anyways, that video made him say "damn, that explains so much! That's so you!" So I guess I still recommend that approach, if it fits your personal style of humour. Here's the link for anyone interested: https://youtu.be/v3I0YsfMJS8?si=wmHYhfxNnlge1NSE
I'm interested! However that link didn't work for me . :(
Oh no! Then try finding it for yourself. It's Drew Lnych's "being married to someone with ADHD". (yes, I was typing while watching my current fav tv show and did not verify if the title I typed was what I always search for or what it's actually called. I rectified that now.) And I just realized I copied the link while the stupid commercial was still on. So you had the once in a lifetime opportunity to enjoy a German drug store commercial 😇 I'll muster up the patience to wait till the actual video is on and then edit my former reply and post a link that actually works. Dear Assessors, I guess you have all the evidence you needed.
Lol I wrote "it didn't work" but I was just being nice about your crazy German commercial 🤣
Well, after suggesting to search for yourself I tried the link and realized pretty quickly what had happened. Might not have been the first time I made that mistake
I was diagnosed with ADD in the 1980’s because of my barely passing grades. Nothing to do about it. I was diagnosed with ADHD two years ago when my college daughter flunked out due to being ADHD. I have a daughter that is autistic. My husband asked for a divorce last night after twenty six years. He can’t take the mental load anymore. I was a stay at home mom for twenty years. I have no clue what is about to happen to me. I wish that I could give you a positive response.
I have been in therapy regularly for two years. It has been great for me. Not so good on my marriage.
I honestly wish the best for you, kind stranger.
I find it helpful to front load my fears to people if I'm afraid they might react poorly to something that is important to me. I might say something like: "Hey, (partner), do you think you could make some time to talk with me about something that's been on my mind for a while? I've been holding myself back from talking to you because I'm afraid you might dismiss me and make me feel like my concerns aren't important." I'm my experience, people who are genuinely good and don't want to hurt you will take great care of the words they choose when responding to whatever comes next. They might even try to soothe your feelings. The not so good ones take it as a personal attack, as if you being scared makes them look bad or something. I hope that's a little helpful.
It is helpful, thank you. Front load. I like that.
I posed this question to my husband and his answer was "Oh we know. We KNOW." I think he's the one who told me I had adhd. I really don't remember how it came up. But he asked me to get assessed.
“My therapist wonders if have ADHD.” And then we talked a bit about my situation and I started exploring possible solutions. He might’ve looked into things himself too and later sent me the Autism Quotient test as he thinks that could be helpful as well. Then I went on waitlists for a neuropsychological assessment because psychiatrists don’t want to diagnose me. I made sure I find one that was in-network so we didn’t need to spend unnecessary amount of money. And got diagnosed.
My diagnosis was within the last month. My husband has been mostly supportive, but while the news was life changing for me, it really hasn't made that much difference to him. I did ask him last week if he ever suspected I was ADHD, and he said he had. I was a little bit disappointed that the diagnosis seemed to be a lot more important to me than him, so be prepared for that.
I am afraid of that. We joke about what I now know are symptoms, so I have a feeling it might be the same for me. Like "I hope the baby doesn't get your anger" har har. Or how my memory is shit and I mess up talking all the time because my brain works faster than my mouth. But then there are the more serious symptoms that he can't see. The symptoms that make me afraid to talk to him about and create posts like this. Like racing obsessive thoughts. Depression. Avoidance behavior. Even the fact that I can't remember things is starting to scare me. I just hope he appreciates the dark side of it and not just the parts like thinking it's funny that I lost my phone for the 10th time that day..
I get that. I don't know that I have shared with him all of the worst things. He knows about the depression, but I haven't really discussed with him the racing obsessive thoughts or the struggles I have when he says something that I take as a rejection and then go into self-protection mode. I think I need to get a better handle on understanding these things myself before I share this with him. I may never share it with him. I'm not sure he needs to be aware of all my demons.
I think I had a much easier go about coming out about my suspicions with my partner. She was with me when I started my journey into researching and getting help for my migraines. I thought the brain fog, lopsided emotions, forgetfulness, and 'autopilot' behaviors I had were from my migraines, as that was what I was told growing up, and I'd recently moved to this new state to be close to her, which caused my migraines to escalate in frequency. (I have one right now, haha.) I found myself struggling hard with keeping up with work, with fatigue and burnout, etc. I needed help, and for a while I sought it. But answers never came and migraine meds never made me less... this. A year later I learned about inattentive ADHD and everything clicked for me. That was it. That was *me*. But I was afraid to bring it up to anyone, including my partner, for several months. I was scared of having those thoughts invalidated. When I brought it up finally, my partner listened, and enthusiastically encouraged me to get checked. not only that, but for the months between my telling her and my diagnosis, she would point out things to me I didn't notice I was doing and she would say, "that's ADHD." And she was right every time. (it answered SO many questions about things I struggle with -- things that were completely unrelated, I thought.) What I think you should try is, sit your husband down and explain that you've found your symptoms to be disruptive and distressing. That on the outside, you look like you aren't struggling that hard, but on the inside, you feel like you're standing on 3 stacked computer chairs to reach fine china on the topmost shelf of a glass kitchen. Things are just really, really hard, and you can manage it okay until one little thing goes wrong and then you can't manage at all. Tell him, "I have some ideas on what it could be based off of what I've been researching, \[you can tell him you think it's ADHD at this point if you are comfortable\] and I would like to talk to a \[professional\] to gain some clarity and an action plan going forward, but I desperately need your support and understanding going forward. You are my rock, and your faith in me is more than a treasure, it's empowering." Phrasing it like a favor, like a call for help, should help him to see that you're not asking him for permission to change, you're asking him for support while you navigate this delicate and vulnerable time. I didn't word my conversation like this with my partner because I hadn't thought of it like that then, but I also knew I didn't have to, because she'd been supporting me on finding answers for a while and she had the context built up already to know how important this was to me.
This made me cry. It's very well written and extremely helpful. My jaw dropped when you started talking about migraines. The fact that you said auto pilot. That is the exact way I describe how I am when I am having one. Like ...vacant. Are you saying this is adhd also? I absolutely have to talk to him about this now. Thank you.