"I am confident this time I will keep to it strictly" yet you haven't been able to. It's a very slippery slope. Considering your wife is contemplating divorce makes me wonder how bad it actually is when you "occasionally" drink? Because that seems extreme for something that "rarely" happens. Are you willing to risk losing your family?
Think she just doesn't see it getting better and doesn't want to live in anxiety over it potentially reoccurring or getting worse, regardless of what assurances I can say, my words don't hold much weight which I understand...
It won't stay "getting better" though Alcohol affects your inhibitions,decision making. There will be a time you will drink to your artificial limit, want more and you will drink more. This will absolutely happen.
You don't want to stop drinking right? So she's correct in assuming you messing up again. What exactly happens? Do you get physically or verbally abusive? You also said you like the feeling it gives you. Do you like the feeling from one drink? Or do you like the feeling being drunk gives you
Edit-spelling
I never get physically abusive , I get frustrated and argumentative, clumsy. I like the feeling from one or a few , there is a fine line of enjoying it until I reach an invisible limit and beyond that I'm not the same person and that I don't enjoy. Up to 5-7 drinks I'm fine, which is why I set a "conservative" 5 drink limit so I don't go to the levels where I spiral.
Your wife already has 3 children to deal with. Why do you think she needs a 4th adult child?
Also how capable are you of taking care of the actual children when you are drinking and become frustrated, argumentative, and clumsy?
I posted just below in my other reply:
> Non alcoholic people drink because the social situation calls for it, thry drink because they want to be a part of the party or event, they want to let down their guard a bit, they do it to fit in.
>Non alcoholic people, when their wife and kids that they love are threatened, and told to stop drinking, have a very easy time saying no.
>Listen, I get it. If you lock me in a room with a chair and 4 shots of gin, I’m going to feel amazing. That’s because my body and brain have a different reaction to alcohol than the norm. The norm, in that hypothetical, if someone drinks 4 shots in a locked room alone, is they’d get dizzy, tired, headache, foggy.
I'll just respond to the first point.
I don't see peer pressure being a more solid foundation for why a person does something rather than they enjoy it.
The rest I agree with.
Non alcoholic people drink because the social situation calls for it, thry drink because they want to be a part of the party or event, they want to let down their guard a bit, they do it to fit in.
Non alcoholic people, when their wife and kids that they love are threatened, and told to stop drinking, have a very easy time saying no.
Listen, I get it. If you lock me in a room with a chair and 4 shots of gin, I’m going to feel amazing. That’s because my body and brain have a different reaction to alcohol than the norm. The norm, in that hypothetical, if someone drinks 4 shots in a locked room alone, is they’d get dizzy, tired, headache, foggy.
I admit part of my post may be overstating it and too black-and-white.
I do stand by my 4-drinks-in-a-blank-room test. I have found that most people do not find that enjoyable. I did. I had a different reaction to alcohol. The pleasure was in the reaction to the substance. I have known people who enjoy the circumstances of 1-2 drinks at the end of a day, and they aren’t reacting to the alcohol. They are enjoying their routine and the taste of it. Most of these people if hard pressed would admit they would enjoy just as much a non-alcoholic drink in such circumstances.
There really isn't much more to it , I barely drink monthly , in the past the excessive drinking episodes would be 1-2 times a year but they were always bad, drink limit in place was working until it wasn't
> I ... want to control it
Said every addict and problem drinker, ever!
Alcohol is a drug which is *inherently* hard to moderate for some of us, because of what it *does* when it interacts with our brains...
It's much easier not to drink at all than messing around trying to 'control' it - read some of the [hundreds of posts about moderation](https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/search?q=moderation&restrict_sr=on) there and you'll see what I mean...
Also, check out the [self-assessment questions](https://www.reddit.com/r/alcoholism/comments/d0xh3r/if_youre_asking_do_i_have_a_problem/) there (particularly the ones in the second half), and see how much of it sounds familiar...
Let us know your findings after reading? :>)>
First off, there is no such thing as an "AA assessment." There is no admissions process, test, or anything like that. The only real question is if alcohol is hurting your ability to manage your life.
For me, as a drinker in a marriage that was falling apart, it was all the little things I wasn't managing because I'd rather just drink. Can not count the number of times I didn't do laundry or clean dishes or forgot to pick up my kid from school or overslept. I would take a really honest look at how many times those things have happened to you in the last few months. Do these things seem to happen to you more than you'd like? More than it should to a responsible adult?
From your wife's perspective, heavy binge drinking is worse than being a daily drinker. For her, you are a ticking time bomb with no countdown. At any moment, you could pull the Jekyll and Hyde routine. Think about the anxiety nightmare she is living in with those thoughts rattling around in her head all day?
It sounds like binge drinking is your thing. This is my Qs problem. She doesn't drink daily. Can go long times in between. Bit when she drinks, she cannot stop. Period. She has no shut off. She is obnoxious. Rude. And completely inappropriate when she does this. She will say she's not an alcoholic. She merely has a problem regulating. Semantics. Right? Titles don't matter. Alcohol is destroying her life & relationships. She is choosing Alcohol. Sounds like you are too.
Sounds very similar yes, i will not choose alcohol over my family full stop if it needs to stop then I will but I like the prospect of having another chance to prove that I can and will regulate it, not only for her and my family but to prove to myself , how many chances can one have ?
>if it needs to stop
You are bargaining. Your wife has literally threatened you with divorce and you are prioritizing alcohol.
What is the limit on your screw ups? Are you going to quit completely if you overdo it one more time? Are you going to want another chance? Another chance? and another chance?
I need to be real, I get that I am clutching onto something that I want to make work , if I screw up even once more even a tiny bit by one pint I will call it a day .. that's my ideology . Only if she willingly agrees
Once you’ve crossed the line of having problems with it — and let’s be clear, you ARE having problems with it, maybe not in your mind but certainly in your wife’s mind, and it has created a problem for you that has led to this post — then it always becomes a slippery slope downhill.
Consider that if you continue drinking your drinking patterns right now are the *best* that they will ever be. In my experience it’s a progressive thing and it always gets worse in the long term. If you don’t buy this from me take it from the many other people on the recovery subs around here who have been exactly in your shoes.
Good luck my friend.
I think your wife is seeing a lot more of a problem than you do. I think like most people with a "mixed relationship" with alcohol, you are likely dismissing a lot of your negative behavior as normal.
I find the term "mixed relationship" rather odd...We have relationships with people, possibly a cat or a dog or a pet, of sorts. Having a relationship with a liquid sounds kind of intense.
I acknowledge there is 100 percent a problem, I want the best of both worlds of course and be able to regulate it. I tried , it worked then it failed. I would like to give it " one more shot" make or break and if I can't then I will completely stop. I can't convince the wife that this will work , as much as I can promise myself it will work and I will be strict, it's maybe a bigger feat than I'm thinking it is
I can tell you with 100% certainty that one more shot is not going to work.
Sobriety is scary but after being in recovery for a long time, my life is beautiful because I gave up that one thing to have everything.
Further, he won't quit when he fails. Because he doesn't want to. His promise to quit if he fails is a check he thinks he will never have to cash. It's what he's telling his wife to maintain the status quo.
When the time comes to pay the piper, he will be trying to bargain with his wife again.
>I would like to give it " one more shot" make or break and if I can't then I will completely stop.
You will fail your one more shot AND you won't be content to quit when that happens, you will want another chance. Yes, I can predict the future here.
You clearly don't want to quit. Wanting to quit for yourself is what it actually takes to quit.
When, not if you fail. You will not quit. You will attempt to bargain with your wife again. Again, because you don't want to quit.
Your wife is entitled to her feelings. It is understandable that with 3 children she doesn’t want to come home to see you hammered on hard liquor. You don’t sound like an alcoholic but more like a disordered binge drinker. I don’t think that enjoying intoxication is an alcoholic’s mindset. The proposal that you limit yourself to a limited number of beers is a reasonable one to avoid descending into a heavy binge. Perhaps consider only having the amount you intend to drink in one sitting in the house. Other possibilities are to never drink alone or to only drink with food.
Sounds like you’re in denial man. It’s time to choose. This is a critical moment in your life, you know what needs to be done and you don’t need reassurance from strangers. Are you going to pick the booze or your family?
In my personal experience having just a six pack turns into just a 12 pack and then maybe just an 18 pack.
I have only went through that cycle like 20 times or so. It is always the same.
It sounds like you’d like a reason to continue drinking? I can’t give you one honestly. Alcohol is a horrible substance that has destroyed many lives over the existence of mankind. I can easily do without it now that I’ve ripped my sanity back out of its crutch. There’s no need to tempt myself into something I don’t want anymore lol. I like smoking weed and that’s my little buzz when I need it. So I’m not straight-edge to say the least. It’s legal here though.
"I am confident this time I will keep to it strictly" yet you haven't been able to. It's a very slippery slope. Considering your wife is contemplating divorce makes me wonder how bad it actually is when you "occasionally" drink? Because that seems extreme for something that "rarely" happens. Are you willing to risk losing your family?
Think she just doesn't see it getting better and doesn't want to live in anxiety over it potentially reoccurring or getting worse, regardless of what assurances I can say, my words don't hold much weight which I understand...
It won't stay "getting better" though Alcohol affects your inhibitions,decision making. There will be a time you will drink to your artificial limit, want more and you will drink more. This will absolutely happen.
You also want to continue drinking so can you blame her?
I don't follow ?
You don't want to stop drinking right? So she's correct in assuming you messing up again. What exactly happens? Do you get physically or verbally abusive? You also said you like the feeling it gives you. Do you like the feeling from one drink? Or do you like the feeling being drunk gives you Edit-spelling
I never get physically abusive , I get frustrated and argumentative, clumsy. I like the feeling from one or a few , there is a fine line of enjoying it until I reach an invisible limit and beyond that I'm not the same person and that I don't enjoy. Up to 5-7 drinks I'm fine, which is why I set a "conservative" 5 drink limit so I don't go to the levels where I spiral.
Your wife already has 3 children to deal with. Why do you think she needs a 4th adult child? Also how capable are you of taking care of the actual children when you are drinking and become frustrated, argumentative, and clumsy?
>she said that is an abnormal response and is an alcoholics response , in my head it's a pritty normal response DING DING DING
Thanks, why do normal regulated people drink then like what is the normal awnser ?
Yours is the normal answer. What else would there be?
On the alcoholism subreddit, sure, but not beyond.
If you're not drinking because you like the way it makes you feel then why is a person drinking?
I posted just below in my other reply: > Non alcoholic people drink because the social situation calls for it, thry drink because they want to be a part of the party or event, they want to let down their guard a bit, they do it to fit in. >Non alcoholic people, when their wife and kids that they love are threatened, and told to stop drinking, have a very easy time saying no. >Listen, I get it. If you lock me in a room with a chair and 4 shots of gin, I’m going to feel amazing. That’s because my body and brain have a different reaction to alcohol than the norm. The norm, in that hypothetical, if someone drinks 4 shots in a locked room alone, is they’d get dizzy, tired, headache, foggy.
I'll just respond to the first point. I don't see peer pressure being a more solid foundation for why a person does something rather than they enjoy it. The rest I agree with.
Non alcoholic people drink because the social situation calls for it, thry drink because they want to be a part of the party or event, they want to let down their guard a bit, they do it to fit in. Non alcoholic people, when their wife and kids that they love are threatened, and told to stop drinking, have a very easy time saying no. Listen, I get it. If you lock me in a room with a chair and 4 shots of gin, I’m going to feel amazing. That’s because my body and brain have a different reaction to alcohol than the norm. The norm, in that hypothetical, if someone drinks 4 shots in a locked room alone, is they’d get dizzy, tired, headache, foggy.
So everyone is automatically an alcoholic if they enjoy a couple drinks after work at home?
I admit part of my post may be overstating it and too black-and-white. I do stand by my 4-drinks-in-a-blank-room test. I have found that most people do not find that enjoyable. I did. I had a different reaction to alcohol. The pleasure was in the reaction to the substance. I have known people who enjoy the circumstances of 1-2 drinks at the end of a day, and they aren’t reacting to the alcohol. They are enjoying their routine and the taste of it. Most of these people if hard pressed would admit they would enjoy just as much a non-alcoholic drink in such circumstances.
That's fair.
There has got to be more to this story than my wife wants a divorce because I drink once a month.
There really isn't much more to it , I barely drink monthly , in the past the excessive drinking episodes would be 1-2 times a year but they were always bad, drink limit in place was working until it wasn't
> I ... want to control it Said every addict and problem drinker, ever! Alcohol is a drug which is *inherently* hard to moderate for some of us, because of what it *does* when it interacts with our brains... It's much easier not to drink at all than messing around trying to 'control' it - read some of the [hundreds of posts about moderation](https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/search?q=moderation&restrict_sr=on) there and you'll see what I mean... Also, check out the [self-assessment questions](https://www.reddit.com/r/alcoholism/comments/d0xh3r/if_youre_asking_do_i_have_a_problem/) there (particularly the ones in the second half), and see how much of it sounds familiar... Let us know your findings after reading? :>)>
Thank you I will take a look
First off, there is no such thing as an "AA assessment." There is no admissions process, test, or anything like that. The only real question is if alcohol is hurting your ability to manage your life. For me, as a drinker in a marriage that was falling apart, it was all the little things I wasn't managing because I'd rather just drink. Can not count the number of times I didn't do laundry or clean dishes or forgot to pick up my kid from school or overslept. I would take a really honest look at how many times those things have happened to you in the last few months. Do these things seem to happen to you more than you'd like? More than it should to a responsible adult? From your wife's perspective, heavy binge drinking is worse than being a daily drinker. For her, you are a ticking time bomb with no countdown. At any moment, you could pull the Jekyll and Hyde routine. Think about the anxiety nightmare she is living in with those thoughts rattling around in her head all day?
By just reading the title, yeah, probably.
Your drinking is harming your marriage and you're debating if it's harmful?
It sounds like binge drinking is your thing. This is my Qs problem. She doesn't drink daily. Can go long times in between. Bit when she drinks, she cannot stop. Period. She has no shut off. She is obnoxious. Rude. And completely inappropriate when she does this. She will say she's not an alcoholic. She merely has a problem regulating. Semantics. Right? Titles don't matter. Alcohol is destroying her life & relationships. She is choosing Alcohol. Sounds like you are too.
Sounds very similar yes, i will not choose alcohol over my family full stop if it needs to stop then I will but I like the prospect of having another chance to prove that I can and will regulate it, not only for her and my family but to prove to myself , how many chances can one have ?
>if it needs to stop You are bargaining. Your wife has literally threatened you with divorce and you are prioritizing alcohol. What is the limit on your screw ups? Are you going to quit completely if you overdo it one more time? Are you going to want another chance? Another chance? and another chance?
I need to be real, I get that I am clutching onto something that I want to make work , if I screw up even once more even a tiny bit by one pint I will call it a day .. that's my ideology . Only if she willingly agrees
Once you’ve crossed the line of having problems with it — and let’s be clear, you ARE having problems with it, maybe not in your mind but certainly in your wife’s mind, and it has created a problem for you that has led to this post — then it always becomes a slippery slope downhill. Consider that if you continue drinking your drinking patterns right now are the *best* that they will ever be. In my experience it’s a progressive thing and it always gets worse in the long term. If you don’t buy this from me take it from the many other people on the recovery subs around here who have been exactly in your shoes. Good luck my friend.
Thank you, I said to my wife I want to want to not drink, having others experience on here is helping me come to terms with the issue for sure
I think your wife is seeing a lot more of a problem than you do. I think like most people with a "mixed relationship" with alcohol, you are likely dismissing a lot of your negative behavior as normal. I find the term "mixed relationship" rather odd...We have relationships with people, possibly a cat or a dog or a pet, of sorts. Having a relationship with a liquid sounds kind of intense.
I acknowledge there is 100 percent a problem, I want the best of both worlds of course and be able to regulate it. I tried , it worked then it failed. I would like to give it " one more shot" make or break and if I can't then I will completely stop. I can't convince the wife that this will work , as much as I can promise myself it will work and I will be strict, it's maybe a bigger feat than I'm thinking it is
I can tell you with 100% certainty that one more shot is not going to work. Sobriety is scary but after being in recovery for a long time, my life is beautiful because I gave up that one thing to have everything.
Further, he won't quit when he fails. Because he doesn't want to. His promise to quit if he fails is a check he thinks he will never have to cash. It's what he's telling his wife to maintain the status quo. When the time comes to pay the piper, he will be trying to bargain with his wife again.
Exactly. This is going to go down in a blaze...
>I would like to give it " one more shot" make or break and if I can't then I will completely stop. You will fail your one more shot AND you won't be content to quit when that happens, you will want another chance. Yes, I can predict the future here. You clearly don't want to quit. Wanting to quit for yourself is what it actually takes to quit. When, not if you fail. You will not quit. You will attempt to bargain with your wife again. Again, because you don't want to quit.
Your wife is entitled to her feelings. It is understandable that with 3 children she doesn’t want to come home to see you hammered on hard liquor. You don’t sound like an alcoholic but more like a disordered binge drinker. I don’t think that enjoying intoxication is an alcoholic’s mindset. The proposal that you limit yourself to a limited number of beers is a reasonable one to avoid descending into a heavy binge. Perhaps consider only having the amount you intend to drink in one sitting in the house. Other possibilities are to never drink alone or to only drink with food.
Thanks 👍
Sounds like you’re in denial man. It’s time to choose. This is a critical moment in your life, you know what needs to be done and you don’t need reassurance from strangers. Are you going to pick the booze or your family?
In my personal experience having just a six pack turns into just a 12 pack and then maybe just an 18 pack. I have only went through that cycle like 20 times or so. It is always the same.
It sounds like you’d like a reason to continue drinking? I can’t give you one honestly. Alcohol is a horrible substance that has destroyed many lives over the existence of mankind. I can easily do without it now that I’ve ripped my sanity back out of its crutch. There’s no need to tempt myself into something I don’t want anymore lol. I like smoking weed and that’s my little buzz when I need it. So I’m not straight-edge to say the least. It’s legal here though.