This sounds like he’s trying to get you to break up with him.
He’s being cold, he’s doing a lot more stuff on his own, he’s avoiding you, and you’ll get sick of that and call things off with him eventually, he just doesn’t want to be the one to actually do it. I could almost guarantee if you said you wanted to break up because it’s for the best, you’d get a slight rise out of him but he wouldn’t REALLY oppose it.
You partner wants you to call off a relationship he has grown tired of/has interests outside of, because I’m assuming he doesn’t know how to end it himself or he is scared of how you will react.
I think he wants to keep his reputation intact. Its disgusting for a man to leave his family, especially since they have a new born. It's really the only thing society will hold men accountable for. But if she kicks him out he can tell people he "tried so hard" or "it came out of nowhere!" or, my personal favourite, "she's crazy!"
He will never say "I drove her to within an inch of her sanity, cheating and gaslighting her while she carried and gave birth to our baby. I made sure she never got an ounce of affection, and I really drove it home that I didn't give a shit about her or her feelings. Guess I'm just a piece of shit that way".
Edit: spelling
The correct way to handle this is to set a boundary and allow your partner to make his choice on whether to respect your boundary or end the relationship.
I would say: “I am not willing to be in a relationship with someone who treats we with such a lack of respect and consideration. This behaviour needs to end now so we can work together to make this relationship healthy. I am willing to do the work, you need to choose now if you’re also willing to do the work or if you want to end the relationship, but you need to decide by (give a reasonable amount of time) because I won’t live like this anymore and I will consider anything other than deciding to work towards a healthy relationship as a decision to end the relationship entirely.”
Make it absolutely clear where you stand, what your expectations are, and what the potential outcomes of their decisions will be. Then leave the ball in their court. By the end of the time limit you will have their decision, because even refusing to make a decision is a choice.
She should get the lawyer anyway this slices.
I agree with the first response, this guy is looking for a way out, but wants her to be "the bad guy" and him to be the victim.
As an idea, It might be very well likely he is not even cheating at all, and when courts times come and he is accused of infidelity he will have well documented evidence of "innocence" - further painting OP in a bad light as this controlling crazy person.
No fault divorce. She can also document that he frequently leaves the house etc, etc. Just in case anyone asks, but she does not need to do it to get divorced.
The trick here is that her first objection - no, you cannot go see friends for one evening while I'm home with the baby - is not a reasonable boundary, and this whole story starts with her getting mad at him for wanting to get out of the house and hang out with friends for one evening. She says we are both homebodies but as soon as he says he wants to go out she tells him no. Doesn't sound like he's a homebody, sounds like you're keeping him on lockdown. When you start telling your partner no you're not allowed to go out, first of all that's not an acceptable power dynamic - he has autonomy, you cannot tell him no, he's not a child and you're not his mother - and secondly, that's going to create exactly the kind of resentment that often builds to seeking other relationships. Of course he's cold and distant if you're treating him like you're the boss and his home starts to feel like a prison. It sounds like it may be too late for them though if it got to the point where he's messaging other women.
It is absolutely a reasonable boundary to say no to spontaneously going out without any prior planing or discussion. He is a parent and equal partner and can’t just abandon his responsibilities on a whim whenever he feels like it anymore.
If he had said “hey, I’ve been invited out in x days time, do you fancy us booking a babysitter for the night so that you can go meet up with some friends at the same time?” Then you might have had a point. Or even “if you stay home with the baby that night then I’ll stay home with the baby another night so you can get a break too” would’ve worked.
But that’s not what happened. Instead he tried to drop it on her last minute, without any consideration or communication at all. That’s not how relationships work.
I have three kids with a mildly responsible husband, and this is exactly how relationships work. I walk through the door at 5 sometimes and have to turn around and go back to work, so I ask him to cover for an evening. He gets a call from an old friend in town who wants to have a beer, so he asks if I can cover for an evening. In both cases, we want our spouses to have a life so we agree whenever possible. Asking your partner to watch the baby for a couple of hours for a special event is hardly "abandoning your responsibilities". If he doesn't do it very often, it shouldn't be such a big deal (minus the cheating angle).
The key difference here is that you both ask (and presumably respect each other’s answer even if it’s a no)
Communication can make or break relationships
LOL, no, he's not on lockdown and doesn't need her permission to go out once in a blue moon when she doesn't have any conflicting plans, that's ridiculous, and if a man was posting here asking if he was ok to tell his wife she was not allowed to go out with her friends, once, when she never goes out, you'd be calling him a controlling, abusive AH and saying she gets a night off every once in a while. The idea that he has to get her permission in advance to go out for a few hours and is otherwise a prisoner in his home is absurd.
No I wouldn’t, because a huge part of being an adult in a relationship is communication and compromise. Neither partner, regardless of gender, has a right to unilaterally decide to dump their responsibilities on their partner without prior agreement first. Switch the genders round and it’s still the same.
Of course, adult are absolutely free to choose to treat their partner without even a shred of basic human decency, but they’re also going to have to deal with the consequence of that choice, which is not being able to find an adult partner with a reasonable amount of self respect who would be willing to stay in a relationship with them. It’s a great way to guarantee you never have a healthy relationship.
Partners work together for the benefit of the whole family. If you’re not willing to do that, stay single.
I don’t think he is really asking permission he just leaves to go spend time with another women. I wonder if she was doing the same with another guy how it would be perceived. It’s not really the “asking” it’s the “deception” that is the issue.
Being told no once to going out doesn't mean any of his behaviour is justified or a proportionate response. When you have a baby sometimes the answer will be no to things, if you don't want that then stay single and don't have kids.
He's an adult, she doesn't have the right to tell him no (imagine the reaction here if a man was posting that he refused to allow his wife to go out with friends, once... you'd be screaming that he was an abuser), and more importantly, here, she doesn't describe this as something that happens all the time, she describes the opposite, him as a homebody who stays home with her all the time and the *one* time he wants go go out with friends, it "throws her off" because he never does that, and she gets mad and says no? Not acceptable. And if he's been feeling like he's on lockdown because she gets mad if he so much as wants to go have dinner with friends once in a blue moon, you can tell yourself, as you obviously do, that it's A-ok that she treats him like she's got him on a leash because he has a kid now and she can just yank that choke chain - no, bad dog, no friends and no free time allowed! - but in real life that's likely to have him looking at the exits, and it sounds to me like perhaps that's the case here.
Oh totally agreed - and she's not wrong for thinking it's over or declining to accept that, my point was to the person I was responding to, that the declaration "I have a boundary" does not just make anything you want ok, these are not magic words, and if, as in this case, you expect to be able to tell your partner they're not allowed to go out without you, that is a level of controlling that is manifestly unreasonable, purporting to eliminate their autonomy, and would unquestionably be labeled abusive if a man took this position with a woman. So just saying "these are my boundaries, take it or leave it" doesn't make you not wrong if those boundaries are unduly controlling, as OP's sound like they are. Now at this point it sounds like he is on the way out the door and she may reasonably choose to see what's going on and end the relationship at this point, but it sounds like OP is no saint here, and if her SO was on lockdown at home that's likely a contributor to how they got here.
When you are truly in a relationship sometimes you actually do say no..
with that said..he wasn't going to see his friend and his gf anyways! he was going to see the girl!
He was being uncharacteristic and there was no forethought in his plan.
What did I just read? Yes, she does have the right to tell him no in some circumstances as his partner, just as much as he would. She is not trying to take his freedom away, there's no reason to believe he is being honest and hanging out with his friends. Imagine having the nerve to ask your partner not to cheat. Like what planet does she live on?! If it's so hard to respect your partner's wishes, especially when they need you, then maybe people like him should remain single.
She absolutely *was* trying to take his freedom away. At the time she said no there was no inkling he was talking to another woman - she said no because she refused to be alone with the baby at home *for a single evening*, as in he's not allowed out of the house without her. If it were a man saying this to a woman you'd be screaming that he was a controlling, abusive AH. And his responses to her since then - that he needs to be able to be a get out of the house like a normal person - that says he feels like he's been on lockdown.
At this point it sounds like he's been contemplating leaving and/or cheating, and she's certainly not wrong for ending it once you hit that stage, but no, absolutely not, telling your partner they're not allowed to go out with friends, ever, for one evening, is absurdly controlling to the point of abjectly unreasonable and if that's how their relationship has been going, it's not shocking that he started eying the door.
So another thing to that is that sometimes you don't realize how much you need to go out until you have a child.
The guy asked one time to go out with friends and gets told that he is subservient to her.
And you are absolutely correct, if the genders were reversed people would be claiming he's an abuser and that socially isolating his victim is how he retains control.
First off she only told him no ONCE. And he still went out even after that. She's not keeping him on lockdown. He chose to be a homebody until he started talking to the other woman. The fact that the other woman was involved in every outing is a huge red flag and not normal.
I think his statement that he needs to be able to be normal and go out and her characterization that they're homebodies and him wanting to go out with friends for an evening one time threw her off and she said no to that one time with no conflicting plans, just her desire that he not be allowed to go out without her (again, imagine the response here to a man telling his wife that) is absolutely an indication he's been on lockdown.
I think her saying no had more to do with her not being invited to hang out with a couple, like a couples date or something because he said no and effectively decided she wouldn’t go because of the baby. It didn’t seem like he had her interests at heart either way
>no, you cannot go see friends for one evening while I'm home with the baby - is not a reasonable boundary
They have a newborn baby mate, it's a perfectly reasonable response.
She can't STOP him from doing what he wants, that's true, but if he ASKED if it was OK OP is perfectly within the realm of reasonable boundaries to say no. Taking care of the baby is just as much his job as it is OPs.
Sorry but as a parent myself, when you have a newborn THAT should be your priority, period. If you can't handle that then you shouldn't be a parent.
I'm a parent and am well aware of the demands of a child, their baby is over a year old not a newborn, and no, you don't get to veto your partner ever going out for a few hours, that's nonsense. She declares them homebodies and now he's a prisoner in his home and the AH for ever wanting to leave? No, just no.
He was never allowed to go out - I agree he's an AH for cheating, but not before she was one first for having him on lockdown. And frankly, when you treat your partner like that, they start to feel resentment and that starts them down the road of looking at other options. OP's partner's first mistake was having a child with her, and his second was not nipping this "we'll be homebodies and you are not allowed to go out without me" in the bud much earlier. The fact that it built up to him having to tell her he needs to be able to leave the house and lead a normal life means it was going bad looong before that conversation.
We had a couple who were nearly our best “couple friends”. He did exactly this; made her basically dump him despite it being him who was cheating. That was this year. I’m really frosty about it. That ended my relationship with him.
Of course my feelings are inconsequential compared to his ex’s feelings obviously.
Exactly. And when the discussion of 'women initiate divorce 80% of divorces' comes up, this is what they overlook: the man broke the marriage with betrayal instead of honesty.
I hate this statistic! My father had a long term affair and left my mother to live with his mistress. My mum was the one who had to actually organise the divorce otherwise he would have coasted along doing sweet FA about it.
>This sounds like he’s trying to get you to break up with him.
This is how I feel too. My wife's first husband did much the same (although it did turn out he was cheating, that's kinds beside the point). He told her years later that he didn't want to be with her, he treated her like shit so that she would leave him, which she eventually did. The sole reason was family. His family would have no problem with him being divorced, but in his mind they would never "forgive him" if he was the one that did the leaving.
He's trialing this other thing but he wants to have the option of coming back to you. So he is stonewalling you to maintain you on the hook while that is happening.
This!!!!! He just wants to make sure he has an open door to come back to you incase it doesn't work with the other girl. Leave him and save yourself the heartache and disappointment. He will come crawling back at some point! Trust me! They always do. The more you accept the worse it gets and you will find yourself in a very dark place.
I feel like I misunderstood something. She told him he couldn't go out to drink with his male friends or to hang out with them, why? Her reason was that this isn't normal for him to want to go out so she wouldn't let him due to her SUSPICION. Does that make sense? My wife and I will randomly do things out of the normal because we get inspired or restless. I'm not going to accuse her of having infidelitis intentions.
The bit with the girl who is his friend from before that he wants to meet up was *after* she started refusing to let him go out with friends and do other normal things. Just because she doesn't want to go out doesn't mean she should be policing his social life. It sounds like she didn't trust him even before all of this. If it's an issue with who's watching the kid, that's something they should talk about rather than assume.
In my opinion the guy has made mistakes and how he has handled this by just cutting off communication entirely when going out. On the other hand, this girl is treating her husband as if he has no agency of his own for that because he's a man he's going to cheat when around women. From what she's written there did not seem to be issues with their communication before she refused to let him go out with his guy friends.
Again this is a one-sided story. My ruling would be YTA because there is an obvious lack of trust on her part. Her partner did not react appropriately, but she's giving him ultimatums and taking away agency which can be scary to deal with, even as a man.
7y relationship. He never acted this way and is a sudden and drastic change of attitude. In my experience, just nearly an exact year ago I was engaged to a man I dated for 5 years, living together, and suddenly he acted exactly the same. Also the weird stories and cold shoulder. He was cheating. Idk to what extent or if he did anything physical yet but 100% sure he was texting/seeing someone. And I found physical evidences just a week after, in my nightstand, when I went for my stuff.
Sometimes people are paranoid due to trust issues. Other times you just *know*. I personally never got into when he was out or how many time but he started to leave me in the cold and even arriving super late and weird hours. We once planned a date and he came 4h late! That was my breaking point where I started to worry for real. He also turned his phone off, etc. Weird behaviour patterns out if nowhere.
I responded to another person's comment that should cover a lot of what you brought up and why he wasn't cheating. Changes in pattern of behavior do not indicate cheating. He's giving her the cold shoulder because she doesn't respect him and keeps acting like he is cheating by wanting to hang out with people he knows.
Per her post, "For context we are both homebodies and rarely drink or go out, we watch movies together or other fun things. All of a sudden he said he wanted to go out drinking with a guy friend and his gf which did through me off as we don't do that."
Then she said the next day he said he wanted to go out and she asked him if it was with a girl and he said yes. She also stated that this "girl" he wanted to go meet up with has never been mentioned by him, just moved here, and he had been communicating with her without her knowledge. They have been together for 7 years and knew one another prior to their relationship. There wasn't a bunch of time that had passed. She is stating that he is now doing things out of the norm of their norm. Not to mention it sounds to me like he is trying to come up with different scenarios seeing if she will agree. She also said he has become " extremely distanced from me and won't say I love you or kiss me or anything."
" Next thing I know he goes out for a night drive (once again a thing we never do) and was out for hours without responding to any of my calls and texts. He gets home and says he saw some guy mates and they went out but it was a very odd sounding story."
"Now when I acused him of being with her instead and him going to visit the girl he's been messaging (who has now conveniently moved here) he just scoffed at me. He said he wants her apart of his life and that it would be crazy too break up for the baby sake but he wants a break."
NOW SAYING HE WANTS A BREAK. So lets add all this up..... He's been hiding communication he's having with another woman. He is all the sudden doing things out of their norm. He is disappearing and not communicating with her. Not to mention ignoring her calls and txt. Not being affectionate with her. Also not coming home for lunch and now all of the sudden taking walks ( Oh you mean leaving the house so he can call the girl on the phone) Then telling her he doesn't want to split up, but wants to take a break.... Hmmmmm
I do believe that everyone should be allowed to have friends and allowed to do things with said friends. However from the OP post, these are all red flags. Sounds like this guy has an interest in this other woman he has been communicating with. So now all of the sudden after 7 years of being together he wants to go out and drink and switching up everything that came completely out of the blue. It's not even like he said hey babe, I think we might be spending a little too much time at home and would like to get out more. Like come on.....
She also told him she didn't want to split up and she wants to communicate. He just shrugged! She simply told him that if he leaves and goes to this girl she will not take him back. THAT'S CALLED A BOUNDARY.
There's a lot to unpack here but I'm just going to go with your last paragraph regarding what a boundary is.
> *She also told him she didn't want to split up and she wants to communicate. He just shrugged! She simply told him that if he leaves and goes to this girl she will not take him back. THAT'S CALLED A BOUNDARY.*
A boundary is for **yourself**, it protects you from someone doing something **to you.** Setting a "boundary" for what someone else can do is not a boundary, it is controlling, jealous, and restricts their agency as a person. If this was a man telling a woman she can't go see an old friend from school who is a guy, this would be a different story in your eyes.
Did he say he was attracted to this woman? No.
Did he say he wanted to sleep with the woman? No.
Did he say he wanted to go hang out with a friend who happened to be a woman? Yes, when asked.
> *"For context we are both homebodies and rarely drink or go out, we watch movies together or other fun things. All of a sudden he said he wanted to go out drinking with a guy friend and his gf which did through me off as we don't do that."*
Please explain to me why this is wrong for him to want to do. Is this man not allowed to make new friends and grow existing friendships? Has he given an indication before asking to go hang out with his guy friend and their gf of cheating? What is her fear with this? Personally I see this as irrational and would love for someone to rationalize this based on the information that she has given us. All of the stuff with the other woman he wanted to see separately was after she didn't let him hang out with a guy friend.
> *She is stating that he is now doing things out of the norm of their norm. Not to mention it sounds to me like he is trying to come up with different scenarios seeing if she will agree.*
To be blunt, no s***. She's denied him going out with guy friends for no reason. I'm sure he feels he doesn't have as much agency in the relationship as he thought, let alone her trust. Of course he's coming up with scenarios to test her with. He's trying to find out how controlling she is by asking for normal things and seeing if she says no. It seems like she's saying no to everything though doesn't it?
I will again point out that he has given no sign or indication of being unfaithful. He has closed off aspects of his personal friendships to her because she's trying to control them.
Yeah. People need to be really careful who they take advice from on here. There's a lot of people on here showing their lack of emotional intelligence.
He’s checking out the new supply and keeping OP waiting. He got more huffy when she said I’d you leave I won’t take you back, because that’s exactly what he was trying to set up on this scenario. A break so he’s not cheating, but an open door when he’s decided he’s had enough fun.
You're not listening. He's already broken up with you. And yes, he's with that other girl now. Your relationship is over. Best to figure out the practical side like finances and housing and move on. He already has.
You would not be wrong to leave, no. He has admitted to wanting to be with this woman and has said he wants a break from you. You say he doesn’t love you. I would let him go. The house can be dealt with by the attorney and the courts. Your kids will help with the baby. I’m sorry, OP.
*Edited.*
Even disregarding the other woman entirely, this man is disrespectful and a terrible communicator. Having said that, OP is also very codependent and forbids him from going out with friends out of fear/insecurity. This is not a healthy relationship at all.
I think he's entitled to go out for drinks leaving you with the baby, PROVIDED you are also granted that from him, if you don't like to go out fair enough, but as long as he would be okay if you did.
Storming off because your partner wants to go out sounds a little puerile if I am honest, life doesn't stop because you have children, but again, you're entitled to leave him and go out too and if he's not okay with that you have problems.
However as for the rest it does sound as if he has checked out for whatever reason..if he's not having a physical affair he's likely having an emotional one.
A conversation needs to be had, particularly with as little emotion as possible. He owes you to be honest with you about what is going on. If he just wants a different type of life now and wants to be out and about more decide if you're okay with that.
If there is more going on than that, would he be honest?
IMO gut instinct is rarely wrong.
I think the problem here is that he suddenly did a complete 360 on how they've been living their life for almost a decade. That warrants a closer look at what he's doing and what's going on. People don't make drastic changes like that for no good reason.
180*
And I kinda get where he's coming from. Sometimes it's easy to mold yourself to your partners lifestyle and realize you're bored out of your mind.
Wanting to go out for a drink with one male friend is not a drastic change from being a homebody though. He didn’t say he wanted a partying lifestyle. Just one night with a friend. And she literally said no, got angry and stormed off.
Now after this, his lifestyle change seems more drastic. But I’m sorry, OP DOES seem really hard to talk to. It seems she has it in her mind that they’re in a contract to be each other’s forever homebodies. So if you find that that’s not really who you are anymore it can be hard to communicate that when your partner literally lost their cool when you only wanted to go out once in the past.
OP is allowed do stay the same and want to be a homebody but her partner is allowed to change as person and I really don’t feel like OP provides a safe space for him to express his desires to be more extroverted.
What if he didn’t like how they were living and he wanted to go out and do things and she always said no. Then he didn’t communicate that and then just snapped and left
Totally agree with this post. The first part where she says he can't go out because it's something they "don't do" is highly concerning. Like....what? You can't go live your life because you've been a homebody in the past? Who made that rule and in what world is that a good and safe relationship? I have so many friends who are constantly told no by their wives and tbh it makes them all miserable even if they stay in the relationship.
However, the rest of the story I also agree with you on. There's some concerning details. But I have to play devils advocate here and say that the two may be related. If he has been miserable due to being forcibly suppressed and kept in the house and constantly told no, then it's no wonder he's grown cold and distant and possibly checked out on the relationship.
This couple needs therapy and professional help if these details are correct... imo. Hope OP reads this
People don't cheat when they're happy and satisfied in a relationship. Very few people are comic book evil in real life. It's unfortunate, but they have kids and a life together. It's worth a professional helping them through what is surely a difficult time.
100%. Even from her side she freaked out he wanted to grab a drink with friends. A reaction like that is not a sign of a healthy relationship. People with kids should be pushing their spouses out of the house on a regular basis
Plus this is her side of the story.
I noticed how little comment there was about the fallout from her storming off/saying no. I was with a woman like that for quite a long time and it breaks you down over time, until you don't even want to have challenging conversations because they don't feel worth the outbursts that come with it.
I've been there, you just eventually check out of the relationship mentally because arguing isn't worth it. Sometimes it's hard to break it off because you know the kind of hell they will raise, so you just wait for them to break it up.
*generalized anxiety disorder checks in* I can almost never trust my gut when I’m unstable 😂
OP: your gut is right. I commented also, but if you end it, I’ll say it again: TELL EVERYONE WHY
>Storming off because your partner wants to go out sounds a little puerile if I am honest,
I'm guessing OP has been suspicious longer than theyre willing to admit
No, that was just OP being childish. The way they word everything ‘WE don’t go out, WE don’t like to do this, WE don’t like to do that’ shows a clear enmeshing that isn’t healthy.
Sounds like he wants out of the marriage but he doesn’t want to be the bad guy so he’s trying to make you be the one to make the decision. Get a good lawyer and try to sell the house and split the the profits. Make sure he pays you child support as well as alimony.
Do not leave.
Tell him that there’s no break from adulthood and parenthood. He could have talked to you about going out with friends, or getting a sitter and having a night out together with friends, but instead, he doesn’t want you there and is sneaking around. Now he’s talking about taking a break and refusing to stop talking to a woman that he doesn’t want you to meet, and has pulled up walls and checked out emotionally.
Tell him that you and the kids are staying put. If he wants to pretend to be single, he can pack a bag and go be single, but the relationship is over if he walks out the door.
He’s choosing an exciting new lady and escapism over his family. Let him deal with finding a new home. If he tries to pull anything or start a fight, call the police to document. Everything else will be decided in court. He can’t have his cake and eat it, too. He wants the freedom to explore and play and be single, but is too much of a coward to leave his back up plan. Don’t let him make you crazy and miserable.
Yeah this reads like fatherhood is too much for him. She says they’re home bodies but I wonder how much of one he really is or wants to be. I’m 28 and single so having 3 kids already would be a lot different of an experience. He wants out and they both need to communicate but it sounds like he already has. He can’t handle it. He might want to come back and you might let him. And he might want out again. I’d find someone else who wants the same lifestyle as OP
That’s a pretty big jump. She’s basically explained 4-5 times over the past few weeks he left the house. I would say it’s normal to get cabin fever and want to grab a drink with friends or go for a drive
Not saying he’s not cheating, but just because he wants to have friends doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be a father. It’s pretty clear he’s been helping to raise her two other kids for the past 7 years
I just feel like being a step dad would be a big difference from being a dad to a 1 year old. That might have set in how much of a commitment he’s taken on. Plus he said he needs a break but I thought he meant actually a break, and not just a couple hours with friends
Disagree, this seems like an absolutely failed relationship that’s toxic for both people, but especially for OP. Her husband won’t even communicate with her and gives her the silent treatment like a teenager. If I were her I wouldn’t *leave* per se, but I would definitely end things for multiple reasons that each on their own would be justification enough. I would also highly recommend a therapist.
It doesn't sound like there's much of a relationship there. Which is fine in itself, that can happen. But this isn't the way that he should have dealt with it at all. He should either break up, or try to fix things. If he won't fix things with you (and there are clearly issues), that's more than enough reason to walk away. You don't really know exactly what's going on so I wouldn't sell it as him cheating and honestly, that's not really the issue here IMO. It's the lack of communication and the fact the relationship has broken down with him showing absolutely no interest in repairing it.
You don’t have to have proof of him cheating. You can breakup for any reason.
He is disrespecting you and you don’t have to put up with it. Sounds like he has checked out and thought you I’ll put up with his crap.
If he wants to pout like a child and he thought he could do what he wanted. You can put yourself first and out him out now. Don’t wait for him to make plans to move out. Make the choice for him.
Yup, he doesn’t want to be the bastard that cheated and left his 7 year relationship and partner with a 1 year old!
My dad cheated, had a mistress for 5 years (we only knew of 2 years until after he died) he finally left for her but still didn’t initiate the divorce, he made my mum do that.
It’s just another manipulation, so he could claim victimhood “she divorced me” not “I cheated and lied for my whole 25 years of marriage, 30 year relationship. Ending in a 5 year affair and finally abandoned my children and wife for my 15 years my junior miss thang.”😬🤷♀️🤦♀️ that would be hard to manipulate to claim any victimhood.
I went through this with my ex-partner, same change in behavior, going out at weird times with his ‘friends’’, a lot of other red flag things and I knew he was cheating on me but I couldn’t prove it so I felt I had no reason to leave. Eventually I managed to find proof that he was in fact cheating on me and I left. Yet he still made me feel like I was at fault for breaking it off. It took me a while to realize that should have left when I had doubts, that him making me feel unloved was enough reason to leave. I agree that it seems like he’s trying to make you leave so that then it’s your fault not his. I would give him an ultimatum that if he’s going to continue to behave the way he is then it’s up to him to pack his bags and leave. If he doesn’t and he is cheating he’ll eventually slip up and you’ll have to proof you need anyway.
Men are so funny. They will literally become a different person on a random Tuesday afternoon. Then they will ask: omg how did she know I was cheating !! lol
Not all men for sure. Anecdote tho: my friends husband was having an affair with his coworker (who knew he was married)…. My friend was fucking pregnant and had a number of complications which she was left to handle alone and with her mom.
There’s cheating and then there’s cheating on the mother of your children. Disgusting.
I pretty much stopped reading after she threw a tantrum because he wanted to hang out with a friend for the first time in seven years. It's no wonder he got cold after that.
My question is, is never going out or socializing with anyone really how "they" are, or is he boxed in to avoid the repercussions of wanting any external social contact?
The fact that she acts like telling him no was a totally acceptable thing to do is really telling. If he was telling her that she can't leave the house I feel like this would read differently to a lot of people.
Yeeeeeaaaahhhh... OP sounds Incredibly difficult/tedious. His distance may be because every time he tries to do anything she freaks out... Oh and look now she is accusing him of cheating! Because he wanted to meet with some girl he knew.
Fuuuuck that.
I don’t think he’s being so obvious about cheating. I’m not convinced he’s cheating at all. By your own account, all of this started about a fight between you two because he wanted to go out with some friends. That’s really where you need to start unpackaging this.
FYI, I go out without my wife all the time and she does the same. I don’t find that weird at all. People need friends and it’s not fun dragging a spouse along to a group she’s not friends with. She becomes the third wheel all night and doesn’t have fun.
Also, FYI… I can’t think of a single time in 20 years of marriage that my wife and I told each other NO!. We are both adults for Gods sake!
I think you should just be open to the idea of that he’s pissed at you because you guys had a fight.
It sounds like he wanted to do something socially and you kicked off about it because you want him to act in a certain way. Saying "we're homebodies" doesn't really mean he's a homebody, it means you're a homebody and you are homebodies together. Its more than likely that he decided he wanted to go out, see some old friends and get a break from what sounds like a very mundane life. When you acted negatively towards that it was probably pretty scary. He might be having a crisis in his head right now that he's wasted his last 7 years doing nothing and now he's unsure about how to get out from that.
Such a person is ripe for another woman to swoop in and take advantage. It could also be that she's literally just a friend and nothing more.
Whatever the case, you both need to sit down an shave a serious talk. You need to be honest and find out what you both want.
Regardless of whether or not he is cheating, he is not treating you respectfully. If he wanted to go out more, he should have told you and you could have arranged a sitter and go out with him. He didn't give you that option and instead meets up and talks to another woman. If you're not ok with that, you kot OK with it. Maybe tell him you'd like a break too and he can look after the kids while you get some time. If you don't think you can trust him you need decide if you want to stay in this relationship. You don't stay around for the baby which is what he seems to think. You deserve better.
Sounds like Dean is having some fear of missing out and grew up too early. He is digging his own grave that we will come to regret later. Doesn't sound like you should be there to help dig him out. If you're no longer happy and feel disrespected, then leave. File a custody motion for the 1F and learn to love again.
He wants a break? He has a child—there is no break. 24/7 the rest of your life.
He sounds like an immature coward. I’m so sorry you are in this position. Leaving will probably make you happier in the long run. Good luck.
Frankly it sounds like he wants out but doesn’t want to ‘be the asshole’ to his friends and family by breaking up when he’s got a 1 year old at home…. So he’s putting it on you to leave him. Piece of garbage imo
I would not leave, if he wants to leave then it’s him abandoning his family. Don’t leave the house, talk to a lawyer and file for child support. Also get a custody order.
Tell him he can have his break, but he needs to pack his bags and go. Then end this relationship. Get a custody order in place and file for child support. This guy has decided he doesn't want to be with you, and he's going to use the baby to string you along.
He asked for a break, give it to him. And once he is out, then finalize whatever necessary to separate your lives. It's not a break, it's a break-up. But we can save this final word until he is safely gone and you are secure in handling the adult responsibilities that he is neglecting.
Oh the good ol line, “I didn’t tell you cause you’d be mad” line. That is the guilty person trying to justify their wrong behavior and place the blame on you. It is manipulative!
Also the only reason people want to be on a break is so they can be with other people so they can say that they didn’t cheat. The truth is, if there are issues in a relationship, you can work through it together, and stay together. Or, then fully break up. There are no breaks.
He showed you who he truly is, and how little he actually cares about you by his actions. Believe him!
Not wrong. He has already bolted. He just doesn't have the stones or respect for you to tell you so he fabricated a situation where you question everything and piss him off so he can turn around and say you are to clingy and stifling.
Time for plan B
He's checked out of your relationship and doesn't think your strong enough to do anything about it. Difficult but I would call his bluff and kick him out.
If he wants to stay, make him show you his phone and if there are any deleted messages or conversations then you'll assume that means he's been cheating and see what happens?
Not wrong, even from the title. Dating isn’t about justice, it’s about if you feel you’re compatible. You don’t owe anyone a relationship, if you don’t trust him, you leave.
At this point, it is going to take both of you to fight for your relationship. If one isn’t interested, then it is over. Get an attorney involved. It is now a business transaction.
Not wrong at all. At the very least, he wants a break. There’s a reason for wanting it that he’s either not telling you or not being honest with you about. You have every right to set boundaries of what you’re comfortable with, and it’s up to him if he truly wants to make this relationship work. You also right in expecting honest communication from him, which he is currently not doing.
He’s very distant, cold, avoiding you and not properly communicating is actions or his needs. Those things alone are enough to leave the relationship.
You can sit down withhim and express all this and what boundaries you expect, even some couples counseling together, and his response will tell you everything you need to know.
Good luck.
I would leave him for that. You don't need proof to leave someone. He is going out drinking, hiding messages from you, and has three kids at home. His behavior is absolutely unacceptable and the fact that he won't reassure you or bother to take the time to explain himself or consider your feelings is just, repulsive.
Since the house is in your name, you should not leave the house. Just kick him out. This is important.
Just redecorate the house. Or re arrange the furniture.
I think there is a lot to unpack here. First, as others have said, it sounds like OP’s night one reaction was unreasonable. Getting mad and making him
Feel trapped / having to storm off to go out for one night with some friends is not a reasonable response to the request. I feel like there must be more to the backstory here. Like…. Has has asked before, and you’ve shut it down? Or has he accepted no for an answer and just sat back down on the couch?
Without knowing the backstory, it’s hard for me to really say. Is he a first time biological parent? I know he’s something of a step father to your older children, but is this new baby his first that’s his own? It sounds like OP has done this before a few times, but caring for and raising an infant is a new and challenging task for anyone, and it might feel overwhelming to him meanwhile it’s another day at the office for you because you’ve done this now twice already. It’s not unreasonable for him to want one night off. I’m
Sure if you asked for a night off as well he would give it to you, am I wrong?
I’m a nice guy, and I’m a wonderful partner. That said, I can be a petty bitch too. If you gave me so much flack about going out the night before, and you made such a big deal out of it…. Yeah, I’m likely to make it a big deal and go out for the second night in a row. It’s not necessarily the right thing to do, but let me have my process 😂
There ARE however some major red flags here IMO. Changes in behavior or process are very often the first tell that someone is going astray. For me it’s the suddenly not coming home at lunch time. How long has this continued? Days? Weeks? If days, eh whatever you’re in a fight. Might be nothing. More than a few days, then this is a behavioral change and something that should be alarming.
Saying he doesn’t want to break up for the sake of the baby but wants a break roughly translates to “let’s take a pause so I can go fuck this bitch, and then I’ll come back to you afterwards so we can live happily ever after”.
A break is essentially a pause in a relationship and leaving you in limbo while they think they have free range to do whatever they want
Nope. Doesn't matter if he's officially cheating or not... he's treating you like shit, regardless. He's shut down, doesn't want to "fix" the relationship, and wants to spend time with another woman, leaving you at home with a 1 year old.
Not that you need it, but if you feel like you need someone's permission to leave him? You've got it.
I bet you anything the reason his previous relationship didn't work out was over something similar. He can't handle being a father, can't handle "home life", wants to "go out" and "be normal" whatever the hell that means... so, let him.
You can't "work out" making someone love you. If his feelings are gone, they're gone... feelings can come back, but not by "work". There's nothing you can do to make him feel love for you. I know that's a harsh thing to hear, but it's true... and I'm doing you a kindness by letting you know that. Because I don't want you to bash your head against the wall trying to make something happen that simply can't happen.
Honestly, the cheating is irrelavant. Leaving at night for hours, not answering his phone... what if there was an emergency with the baby? Just... the REASON for his behavior is irrelevant. His behavior is the problem, his unwillingness to change or stop hurting you is the problem.
You say he hasn't loved you for a while... so.... really, what IS the point here?
Him not loving you is reason to leave.
Him leaving you alone with the kids all the time is reason to leave.
Him not answering his phone for hours is reason to leave.
Him not caring how his behavior is making you feel is reason to leave.
Him being unwilling to fix anything is reason to leave.
How many reasons do you need?
If he's ACTUALLY cheating... so? At this point, there are so many other shitty things going on here, it wouldn't even matter.
Kick him out/leave - if you're married, get a divorce lawyer. If you're not married, get a lawyer about custody stuff.
Don't waste any more time.
Two things to remember, IF it's not definite cheating:
1. Disrespect for boundaries
2. Single person behavior.
A boyfriend says he and his coworkers are taking a client out to happy hour. He comes home and says they had a nice dinner...then went to a strip club. You show disappointment but decide to forgive him. Two weeks later, he and his coworkers go out again. He does say it's possible they'll be visiting the strip club. You tell him you don't like it. Two weeks later he's going out with a couple coworkers and some guy friends; again to the strip club. You put your foot down and tell him to knock it off. You've set a boundary, and if he ignores it, then he's shown you complete disrespect for your feelings. It may not be cheating to a lot of people--but the disrespect is a valid deal breaker.
Perhaps he's not going to the strip club with "da boyz." However, he has made new friends who happen to be female. He goes out on nights you happen to be busy, and hangs out with these friends. Sometimes he comes home pretty late. You've seen these ladies look at him, and you can see he's loving the attention. One of the ladies keeps texting him and makes him smile--she even sent him a picture of herself in a new bikini. He tells you he's just a designated driver, and the ladies are *just friends*. He may not be screwing them, but he's engaging in single person behavior. Single person behavior does not include the significant other--and that's a valid deal breaker.
Would you be wrong in leaving him? Nope!
Would you be right to accuse him of cheating? No, but you can point out he's disrespectful of your boundaries, and he's acting like a single boy...not your boyfriend. He may try to gaslight you and say you're over reacting. That's just one more red flag up his butt.
If you want to save the relationship, then have a sit-down chat with him. Tell him your expectations, your tolerances, and your boundaries. Don't be afraid to give a little; let him see his friends, but he should invite you.
If he continues to scoff or blow you off, then you have your answer (which, tbh, I think you already know what your answer is).
Im sorry to say, he already broke up with you. He just didn’t tell you. If you’re in the US, the house stuff will be easily settled in mediation, so don’t worry there. Just get an attorney so he doesn’t screw you over. Speaking from personal experience there.
You chose a weak man, that choice will live with you and all three kids forever. Women work their asses off and dim their own light and it doesn’t even make weak men better, it just stalls their failures and you from knowing you wasted your time until you have your blood invested. Thoughts and prayers, bestie.
He is cheating whether anything physical is going on or not. If you are in a relationship, you should not be hanging out 1 on 1 with anyone of the opposite sex. It sounds like he is trying to get you to break up with him, so he doesn't have to take any blame.
get a lawyer just incase its proven he is cheating. get ahead of him in every way to make sure you get the most from him for potentially breaking your trust and the family up. No need to wait. TRUST YOUR GUT and IF he is being loyal you have a lawyer for any future situations. Wishing the best🙌🏾 also even if you have to wait it out just be prepared and also if y’all ever have sex from this point forward wear protection you don’t want to potentially get a disease.
NTA. The cheating thing is a distraction. Your partner has left the relationship and is waiting for you to give him permission to end it for good. He knows that people will think he is an AH if he leaves you when you guys just had a baby so he needs you to kick him out.
You don't need to prove he's cheating to break up with him. Just tell him you can see that he's no longer part of the relationship and tell him to find a new place to stay. Sometimes it's better for the kids to end it cleanly before things get bitter and hostile.
Edit: as others have said, get a lawyer first so you can protect your kids' interest, keep custody, and get child support.
OP - He IS cheating on you. Not sure why you are trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here, but this guy wants someone else, even if he regrets his actions later, he still is seeing someone else. You deserve better, so go talk to a lawyer and find out your options, this guy is only trying to keep you on the line so he can have his fun but still have a home to go too. Talk to a lawyer!! Do not let him take you for granted, you deserve better, and don't think that you, wanting this to work is going to fix this, he's done with this relationship for now, but he wants his cake and to eat it too. You deserve better!!! Get a lawyer, sell the home and move on! You don't want to be with a man who is most likely having sex with someone else, who lies to you and who doesn't love you in return. It won't be easy at first, but you'll be ok. By the way, if he seriously just needed someone to talk to, he should've talked to you and not some other woman.
He wants to try things out with this new girl to see if it’ll work out before he gives you the permanent cut. That’s why he wants “a break.” He won’t fully leave until he knows for sure and will keep you on the back burner, being cold and distant in the meantime.
Run.
Some relationships just run their course.
You had two older kids, so how come you decided for another baby with this guy? Was it planned?
If you just become passive, you might not get everything you deserve in the divorce. I would be pro-active and contact a lawyer and get some advice. He’s clearly cheating, and if he’s not sleeping with the new chick, he’s at least emotionally cheating.
As someone who survived a serial cheater but only recently learned 1) the small things matter. If he’s hiding text messages, there is a reason. 2) lying about the little things is a sign they will lie about the big things. 3) you don’t need full proof. Just go with your gut. When you know you know.
So no, you are not wrong. And dude is shady. Run!
Seems like you're being fairly controlling, but it seems to be coming from a place of fear which you've made clear to him and he's not doing anything to put you at ease. I say break up. From your description of how he's treated your children I'd wager he'll still do his part with his baby
If he leaves to stay elsewhere divorce his ass and pursue support
I'm married 36m, 1y old f, another baby on the way. If I treated my wife the way he treated you, I would have given every signal that I don't care about you short of banging a girl in your bed. He's been disrespectful, shows a lack of caring and empathy towards his whole family by claiming he needs this bs. He needs to grow up or get thrown to the curb.
You don't need proof of cheating here. The he needs this new girl in his life is a sign he is moving on without you
A new baby is a different responsibility to step kids and he doesn’t like it. He wants to have his cake and eat it while not looking like he abandoned his kid.
Not wrong per se... but... I wouldn't leave my spouse for cheating; I'd leave because I don't want to stay. Just own your side of the selfish human desires, and go do what you feel is best for you... You don't have to keep score, and quiet quitting a marriage is grade school playground nonsense... There's WAY easier paths you can walk that lead to happiness, but not if you're tied down to some BS contractual promise that nobody is living up to.
You're not wrong.
Trust your gut.
Leave him. Ask for child support since both of you have a child.
Never accept him if he begs. Let him feel what he'd lost.
I hate cheaters. There is no second chance for him.
You have proof of his cheating and he already has said that he wants to break up. Your impression that you don't have proof and that you are the one who is leaving him is messed up. He already left you. He won't say he loves you, won't kiss you, and is now saying he wants her in his life.
Yes, break up. He just doesn't want to break up bc he doesn't want to pay child support. Don't be stupid. 1. Stop having children. 2. Get your own place or ask him to move out and 3. Get an attorney to make sure you get child support.
He said he intends to see her and wants to get away from you. Dude is cheating, *absolutely* emotionally if not physically.
He may still want to keep you around because your stability is useful, but he has checked-out of your relationship.
Time to change the locks. He can take a long walk to wherever and figure himself out. You can decide what you want to do from here without him coming in- and out of the house and throwing your emotions into a mess.
People like the boyfriend here always act like they have no control over the choices they make. They never take responsibility for their actions. They always just repeatedly get "sucked into situations" where things like growing apart, boredom, and cheating just happen and there was nothing they could've done to stop it at any point. They don't go to couples therapy because "what's the point?".
I don't know, seems to me that people who get possessed by some demons who completely take control of their thoughts and actions should have guardianship or at least they should only date people like themselves and leave decent committed people alone.
Edit: We might have exes like this who exit your life when you need them or the situation is challenging in e.g long distance relationship for a while, or a baby year or whatever only to try to reenter when it's convenient for them and when they realize their lack of judgement. People who leave you can always do that again, make no mistake.
So sorry you’re going through this. Absolute fuckery. Like most comments, I agree with the view that he’s pushing this on YOU so YOU end it. That’s fine. Do it
But when you do, make sure you tell EVERYONE why :)
Hugs!!!!! And good luck. Shitty this is happening around the holidays
he’s 100% cheating but wants you to end things so he can say he’s not the bad guy!
i would do a few things here……. get a friend to follow him and try to find out where she lives. see a lawyer so you know your rights. start checking bank statements ect see if he’s spending on her. if you find out where she lives go knock the door while he’s there make sure you record if it’s legal so your not accused of anything you’ve not done….. make sure you tell her he’s a cheat if she still carries on seeing him that will be on her!
get your ducks in a row as this is probably what he’s doing right now, he’s probably just waiting for christmas to be over to end things
So he goes out for a "night drive" and just happens to run into his guy friends? How do you accomplish that? Did they just coincidentally see each other a stop light? That excuse is so lame and desperate. Wake up! Yes, he's cheating so now you need to figure out want you want to do about that. You will need to consult with an attorney about the ownership of the home.
Not wrong. He's cheating. If he wasn't, you would have been included in the first outing with A COUPLE. He would have introduced you to his friend.
Don't think your memories are fake. Those days were real until he got the 7 year itch and acted on it instead of talking to you about it so you could work together to give him what he needs without cheating.
Be brave here. Take some time to formulate a plan before you tell him. You've done your part to fix it and he's clearly said he doesn't want a good marriage to you.
Good luck.
NTA. You absolutely NEVER have to justify why you want to break up. Any reason is a good reason, even if you don’t have a reason but just want to. You are not a hostage. If the relationship doesn’t work for you, break up. In your specific scenario, it sounds like he’s trying to make you break up with him so he won’t be the bad guy. Once the trust is gone, you really don’t have a relationship anyway. Give him what he wants, cut him loose. But then don’t look back.
You should leave him. You don’t trust him and he can’t be trusted. He is going out on dates with another woman. You know it’s over. There’s no need to wait around and waste your time. Get a lawyer and focus on co-parenting, getting full custody, getting the house, and child support.
I read an article the other day about the 'walkway wife'. Very interesting.
Don't physically leave, but mentally and emotionally do. Show no interest in what he does, where he goes, show no emotion, do not say you love him or care, nothing. Even arrange your own evenings out (not with him though).. Ask him to look after the baby or get a sitter if he is not keen. But go out. If he asks, just say you were with friends. Just live your life as though he is not part of it.
Make plans for when you do leave, or he does. Get everything prepared, paperwork, lawyer, finances, etc. Try and get proof he is cheating.
Good luck.
He’s cheating. You know it. You deserve better. Hes betrayed you. He’s the looser. Look after yourself. Kick him out. Do whatever it takes to protect yourself and your family.
Three kids by two men, all before age 30, and you're about to be single again. I think you need to reevaluate your taste in men, NTA but don't have any more kids for a while.
I know I might get down voted to hell, but it's pretty safe to assume he's cheating on you at this point. He doesn't want to talk because he knows he's been caught and is guilty. I would definitely break it off with him
Just a thought, he is being secretive in the run up to Christmas. Is it possible he is trying to hide a Christmas gift and is being really stupid about it?
sounds like your guy has baby burnout, he wanted a night away with a friend(male) to go drinking and you refused to let him go...
I get that you like being home(I do too) but some people need time out away to unwind. you refusing to allow him to go out with a friend(male), is just going to push him deeper into his burn out. when a person gets too burned out it makes them want to escape. this new woman(probably isn't cheating yet) is going to be his way of escaping since you're being so controlling.
possibly, but just as possible he actually wanted/needed a night out. OP admits she is a homebody, I am too so I get it, but not everyone is. my wife goes out with her friends atleast once a month, so I get some people need that...
I don't think he needed it until he started the online chat with the "old school friend". OP says they are both homebodies. He has been for at least 7 years. Now suddenly there's a new online chat with a woman and he needs to go out several days in a row and hang out with her when he knows it's hurting his wife.
again: baby burnout. OP mentions the young child, my youngest is 4(almost 5) months old, and if I didn't get breaks here and there I'd go crazy. from reading the post I think that is what is happening here, but I could be wrong...
Yeah I didn’t get the “baby break” thing as if she doesn’t need a “baby break?” Lol
The dude talking to a woman and then him saying he’s going out with the boys is super fishy…
I think you replied to wrong comment, or you didn't read it well.
The commenter stated a possible explanation about the boyfriend's behaviour.
They didn't accuse women in general for doing something, and didn't blame them for stuff men do.
Tell him "Stop being a coward and just leave if you want. Trying to be wait for me to end it doesn't make you a martyr, it makes you a sackless little bitch."
I'd be inclined to say yes as you have absolutely no proof, and the only reason seems to based on him asking to go out without you and you kicked off and said no. Its understandable that after you've said no to him seeing friends he's been off with you as it's an unreasonable stance you've taken.
Plus think about if this was a post about a man saying his female partner had to stay home at all times to look after the baby, the comments would destroy them.
You missed the part where she was going to let him go out with his friend, but he didn’t want her to go with him, so she told him no. When does she get to have a date night? When does she get a break? Sneaking around, talking to a female on the sly for weeks without telling his wife, stonewalling, refusing to stop seeing the new woman because “he wants her in his life”… this dude is already checked out.
Don't even need to read you know why cause u can leave someone for no reason at all and still wouldn't be the asshole. But you are an asshole for needing strangers to point this out.
The "we don't do that" statement you made a couple times is scary, he is his own person he does that clearly. It does sound like he's wanting you to break it off with him or something though...
This sounds like he’s trying to get you to break up with him. He’s being cold, he’s doing a lot more stuff on his own, he’s avoiding you, and you’ll get sick of that and call things off with him eventually, he just doesn’t want to be the one to actually do it. I could almost guarantee if you said you wanted to break up because it’s for the best, you’d get a slight rise out of him but he wouldn’t REALLY oppose it. You partner wants you to call off a relationship he has grown tired of/has interests outside of, because I’m assuming he doesn’t know how to end it himself or he is scared of how you will react.
I think he wants to keep his reputation intact. Its disgusting for a man to leave his family, especially since they have a new born. It's really the only thing society will hold men accountable for. But if she kicks him out he can tell people he "tried so hard" or "it came out of nowhere!" or, my personal favourite, "she's crazy!" He will never say "I drove her to within an inch of her sanity, cheating and gaslighting her while she carried and gave birth to our baby. I made sure she never got an ounce of affection, and I really drove it home that I didn't give a shit about her or her feelings. Guess I'm just a piece of shit that way". Edit: spelling
The correct way to handle this is to set a boundary and allow your partner to make his choice on whether to respect your boundary or end the relationship. I would say: “I am not willing to be in a relationship with someone who treats we with such a lack of respect and consideration. This behaviour needs to end now so we can work together to make this relationship healthy. I am willing to do the work, you need to choose now if you’re also willing to do the work or if you want to end the relationship, but you need to decide by (give a reasonable amount of time) because I won’t live like this anymore and I will consider anything other than deciding to work towards a healthy relationship as a decision to end the relationship entirely.” Make it absolutely clear where you stand, what your expectations are, and what the potential outcomes of their decisions will be. Then leave the ball in their court. By the end of the time limit you will have their decision, because even refusing to make a decision is a choice.
And if OP does this path, she needs to find a lawyer NOW and make the plan so it's ready.
She should get the lawyer anyway this slices. I agree with the first response, this guy is looking for a way out, but wants her to be "the bad guy" and him to be the victim. As an idea, It might be very well likely he is not even cheating at all, and when courts times come and he is accused of infidelity he will have well documented evidence of "innocence" - further painting OP in a bad light as this controlling crazy person.
No fault divorce. She can also document that he frequently leaves the house etc, etc. Just in case anyone asks, but she does not need to do it to get divorced.
Absolutely agree, just saying his whole behavior is very shifty, so I would cover all bases to avoid getting caught in a trap.
I did not read anywhere that says they are married. Unless I missed it. But how can you have divorce if there’s no marriage.
I think just break up with him. There’s no salvaging this relationship. And also probably stop having babies with people that aren’t committed to you.
They been together 7 years, how do you turn this into her fault?
Or...orrrrr....he shouldn't make babies with people he's not committed to. See how that goes both ways?
Yes they should both not do that.
This!^^
The trick here is that her first objection - no, you cannot go see friends for one evening while I'm home with the baby - is not a reasonable boundary, and this whole story starts with her getting mad at him for wanting to get out of the house and hang out with friends for one evening. She says we are both homebodies but as soon as he says he wants to go out she tells him no. Doesn't sound like he's a homebody, sounds like you're keeping him on lockdown. When you start telling your partner no you're not allowed to go out, first of all that's not an acceptable power dynamic - he has autonomy, you cannot tell him no, he's not a child and you're not his mother - and secondly, that's going to create exactly the kind of resentment that often builds to seeking other relationships. Of course he's cold and distant if you're treating him like you're the boss and his home starts to feel like a prison. It sounds like it may be too late for them though if it got to the point where he's messaging other women.
It is absolutely a reasonable boundary to say no to spontaneously going out without any prior planing or discussion. He is a parent and equal partner and can’t just abandon his responsibilities on a whim whenever he feels like it anymore. If he had said “hey, I’ve been invited out in x days time, do you fancy us booking a babysitter for the night so that you can go meet up with some friends at the same time?” Then you might have had a point. Or even “if you stay home with the baby that night then I’ll stay home with the baby another night so you can get a break too” would’ve worked. But that’s not what happened. Instead he tried to drop it on her last minute, without any consideration or communication at all. That’s not how relationships work.
I have three kids with a mildly responsible husband, and this is exactly how relationships work. I walk through the door at 5 sometimes and have to turn around and go back to work, so I ask him to cover for an evening. He gets a call from an old friend in town who wants to have a beer, so he asks if I can cover for an evening. In both cases, we want our spouses to have a life so we agree whenever possible. Asking your partner to watch the baby for a couple of hours for a special event is hardly "abandoning your responsibilities". If he doesn't do it very often, it shouldn't be such a big deal (minus the cheating angle).
The key difference here is that you both ask (and presumably respect each other’s answer even if it’s a no) Communication can make or break relationships
LOL, no, he's not on lockdown and doesn't need her permission to go out once in a blue moon when she doesn't have any conflicting plans, that's ridiculous, and if a man was posting here asking if he was ok to tell his wife she was not allowed to go out with her friends, once, when she never goes out, you'd be calling him a controlling, abusive AH and saying she gets a night off every once in a while. The idea that he has to get her permission in advance to go out for a few hours and is otherwise a prisoner in his home is absurd.
No I wouldn’t, because a huge part of being an adult in a relationship is communication and compromise. Neither partner, regardless of gender, has a right to unilaterally decide to dump their responsibilities on their partner without prior agreement first. Switch the genders round and it’s still the same. Of course, adult are absolutely free to choose to treat their partner without even a shred of basic human decency, but they’re also going to have to deal with the consequence of that choice, which is not being able to find an adult partner with a reasonable amount of self respect who would be willing to stay in a relationship with them. It’s a great way to guarantee you never have a healthy relationship. Partners work together for the benefit of the whole family. If you’re not willing to do that, stay single.
He isn’t working “together” that’s the issue.
I don’t think he is really asking permission he just leaves to go spend time with another women. I wonder if she was doing the same with another guy how it would be perceived. It’s not really the “asking” it’s the “deception” that is the issue.
Being told no once to going out doesn't mean any of his behaviour is justified or a proportionate response. When you have a baby sometimes the answer will be no to things, if you don't want that then stay single and don't have kids.
He's an adult, she doesn't have the right to tell him no (imagine the reaction here if a man was posting that he refused to allow his wife to go out with friends, once... you'd be screaming that he was an abuser), and more importantly, here, she doesn't describe this as something that happens all the time, she describes the opposite, him as a homebody who stays home with her all the time and the *one* time he wants go go out with friends, it "throws her off" because he never does that, and she gets mad and says no? Not acceptable. And if he's been feeling like he's on lockdown because she gets mad if he so much as wants to go have dinner with friends once in a blue moon, you can tell yourself, as you obviously do, that it's A-ok that she treats him like she's got him on a leash because he has a kid now and she can just yank that choke chain - no, bad dog, no friends and no free time allowed! - but in real life that's likely to have him looking at the exits, and it sounds to me like perhaps that's the case here.
Feels like you stopped reading after two and a half paragraphs
He wants to go out with another woman that he is messaging. That is NOT COOL!
Oh totally agreed - and she's not wrong for thinking it's over or declining to accept that, my point was to the person I was responding to, that the declaration "I have a boundary" does not just make anything you want ok, these are not magic words, and if, as in this case, you expect to be able to tell your partner they're not allowed to go out without you, that is a level of controlling that is manifestly unreasonable, purporting to eliminate their autonomy, and would unquestionably be labeled abusive if a man took this position with a woman. So just saying "these are my boundaries, take it or leave it" doesn't make you not wrong if those boundaries are unduly controlling, as OP's sound like they are. Now at this point it sounds like he is on the way out the door and she may reasonably choose to see what's going on and end the relationship at this point, but it sounds like OP is no saint here, and if her SO was on lockdown at home that's likely a contributor to how they got here.
When you are truly in a relationship sometimes you actually do say no.. with that said..he wasn't going to see his friend and his gf anyways! he was going to see the girl! He was being uncharacteristic and there was no forethought in his plan.
What did I just read? Yes, she does have the right to tell him no in some circumstances as his partner, just as much as he would. She is not trying to take his freedom away, there's no reason to believe he is being honest and hanging out with his friends. Imagine having the nerve to ask your partner not to cheat. Like what planet does she live on?! If it's so hard to respect your partner's wishes, especially when they need you, then maybe people like him should remain single.
She absolutely *was* trying to take his freedom away. At the time she said no there was no inkling he was talking to another woman - she said no because she refused to be alone with the baby at home *for a single evening*, as in he's not allowed out of the house without her. If it were a man saying this to a woman you'd be screaming that he was a controlling, abusive AH. And his responses to her since then - that he needs to be able to be a get out of the house like a normal person - that says he feels like he's been on lockdown. At this point it sounds like he's been contemplating leaving and/or cheating, and she's certainly not wrong for ending it once you hit that stage, but no, absolutely not, telling your partner they're not allowed to go out with friends, ever, for one evening, is absurdly controlling to the point of abjectly unreasonable and if that's how their relationship has been going, it's not shocking that he started eying the door.
Found the partner
So another thing to that is that sometimes you don't realize how much you need to go out until you have a child. The guy asked one time to go out with friends and gets told that he is subservient to her. And you are absolutely correct, if the genders were reversed people would be claiming he's an abuser and that socially isolating his victim is how he retains control.
First off she only told him no ONCE. And he still went out even after that. She's not keeping him on lockdown. He chose to be a homebody until he started talking to the other woman. The fact that the other woman was involved in every outing is a huge red flag and not normal.
I think his statement that he needs to be able to be normal and go out and her characterization that they're homebodies and him wanting to go out with friends for an evening one time threw her off and she said no to that one time with no conflicting plans, just her desire that he not be allowed to go out without her (again, imagine the response here to a man telling his wife that) is absolutely an indication he's been on lockdown.
Big Red flag!!
I think her saying no had more to do with her not being invited to hang out with a couple, like a couples date or something because he said no and effectively decided she wouldn’t go because of the baby. It didn’t seem like he had her interests at heart either way
>no, you cannot go see friends for one evening while I'm home with the baby - is not a reasonable boundary They have a newborn baby mate, it's a perfectly reasonable response. She can't STOP him from doing what he wants, that's true, but if he ASKED if it was OK OP is perfectly within the realm of reasonable boundaries to say no. Taking care of the baby is just as much his job as it is OPs. Sorry but as a parent myself, when you have a newborn THAT should be your priority, period. If you can't handle that then you shouldn't be a parent.
A 1 year old child is definitely not a "new born"
I'm a parent and am well aware of the demands of a child, their baby is over a year old not a newborn, and no, you don't get to veto your partner ever going out for a few hours, that's nonsense. She declares them homebodies and now he's a prisoner in his home and the AH for ever wanting to leave? No, just no.
He's the AH for cheating, not simply going out.
He was never allowed to go out - I agree he's an AH for cheating, but not before she was one first for having him on lockdown. And frankly, when you treat your partner like that, they start to feel resentment and that starts them down the road of looking at other options. OP's partner's first mistake was having a child with her, and his second was not nipping this "we'll be homebodies and you are not allowed to go out without me" in the bud much earlier. The fact that it built up to him having to tell her he needs to be able to leave the house and lead a normal life means it was going bad looong before that conversation.
You are so right, this is the correct way.
This!!! Perfectly said.
We had a couple who were nearly our best “couple friends”. He did exactly this; made her basically dump him despite it being him who was cheating. That was this year. I’m really frosty about it. That ended my relationship with him. Of course my feelings are inconsequential compared to his ex’s feelings obviously.
Yeah that, exactly it.
Exactly. And when the discussion of 'women initiate divorce 80% of divorces' comes up, this is what they overlook: the man broke the marriage with betrayal instead of honesty.
I hate this statistic! My father had a long term affair and left my mother to live with his mistress. My mum was the one who had to actually organise the divorce otherwise he would have coasted along doing sweet FA about it.
You just described my sister's deadbeat baby daddy with scary accuracy.
He’s also totally cheating on you. Sorry.
>This sounds like he’s trying to get you to break up with him. This is how I feel too. My wife's first husband did much the same (although it did turn out he was cheating, that's kinds beside the point). He told her years later that he didn't want to be with her, he treated her like shit so that she would leave him, which she eventually did. The sole reason was family. His family would have no problem with him being divorced, but in his mind they would never "forgive him" if he was the one that did the leaving.
Yep, he’s just a coward. Scared of a conversation.
this is the script.
Men do shit like this then complain women initiate more divorces
He's trialing this other thing but he wants to have the option of coming back to you. So he is stonewalling you to maintain you on the hook while that is happening.
This!!!!! He just wants to make sure he has an open door to come back to you incase it doesn't work with the other girl. Leave him and save yourself the heartache and disappointment. He will come crawling back at some point! Trust me! They always do. The more you accept the worse it gets and you will find yourself in a very dark place.
I feel like I misunderstood something. She told him he couldn't go out to drink with his male friends or to hang out with them, why? Her reason was that this isn't normal for him to want to go out so she wouldn't let him due to her SUSPICION. Does that make sense? My wife and I will randomly do things out of the normal because we get inspired or restless. I'm not going to accuse her of having infidelitis intentions. The bit with the girl who is his friend from before that he wants to meet up was *after* she started refusing to let him go out with friends and do other normal things. Just because she doesn't want to go out doesn't mean she should be policing his social life. It sounds like she didn't trust him even before all of this. If it's an issue with who's watching the kid, that's something they should talk about rather than assume. In my opinion the guy has made mistakes and how he has handled this by just cutting off communication entirely when going out. On the other hand, this girl is treating her husband as if he has no agency of his own for that because he's a man he's going to cheat when around women. From what she's written there did not seem to be issues with their communication before she refused to let him go out with his guy friends. Again this is a one-sided story. My ruling would be YTA because there is an obvious lack of trust on her part. Her partner did not react appropriately, but she's giving him ultimatums and taking away agency which can be scary to deal with, even as a man.
7y relationship. He never acted this way and is a sudden and drastic change of attitude. In my experience, just nearly an exact year ago I was engaged to a man I dated for 5 years, living together, and suddenly he acted exactly the same. Also the weird stories and cold shoulder. He was cheating. Idk to what extent or if he did anything physical yet but 100% sure he was texting/seeing someone. And I found physical evidences just a week after, in my nightstand, when I went for my stuff. Sometimes people are paranoid due to trust issues. Other times you just *know*. I personally never got into when he was out or how many time but he started to leave me in the cold and even arriving super late and weird hours. We once planned a date and he came 4h late! That was my breaking point where I started to worry for real. He also turned his phone off, etc. Weird behaviour patterns out if nowhere.
I responded to another person's comment that should cover a lot of what you brought up and why he wasn't cheating. Changes in pattern of behavior do not indicate cheating. He's giving her the cold shoulder because she doesn't respect him and keeps acting like he is cheating by wanting to hang out with people he knows.
Per her post, "For context we are both homebodies and rarely drink or go out, we watch movies together or other fun things. All of a sudden he said he wanted to go out drinking with a guy friend and his gf which did through me off as we don't do that." Then she said the next day he said he wanted to go out and she asked him if it was with a girl and he said yes. She also stated that this "girl" he wanted to go meet up with has never been mentioned by him, just moved here, and he had been communicating with her without her knowledge. They have been together for 7 years and knew one another prior to their relationship. There wasn't a bunch of time that had passed. She is stating that he is now doing things out of the norm of their norm. Not to mention it sounds to me like he is trying to come up with different scenarios seeing if she will agree. She also said he has become " extremely distanced from me and won't say I love you or kiss me or anything." " Next thing I know he goes out for a night drive (once again a thing we never do) and was out for hours without responding to any of my calls and texts. He gets home and says he saw some guy mates and they went out but it was a very odd sounding story." "Now when I acused him of being with her instead and him going to visit the girl he's been messaging (who has now conveniently moved here) he just scoffed at me. He said he wants her apart of his life and that it would be crazy too break up for the baby sake but he wants a break." NOW SAYING HE WANTS A BREAK. So lets add all this up..... He's been hiding communication he's having with another woman. He is all the sudden doing things out of their norm. He is disappearing and not communicating with her. Not to mention ignoring her calls and txt. Not being affectionate with her. Also not coming home for lunch and now all of the sudden taking walks ( Oh you mean leaving the house so he can call the girl on the phone) Then telling her he doesn't want to split up, but wants to take a break.... Hmmmmm I do believe that everyone should be allowed to have friends and allowed to do things with said friends. However from the OP post, these are all red flags. Sounds like this guy has an interest in this other woman he has been communicating with. So now all of the sudden after 7 years of being together he wants to go out and drink and switching up everything that came completely out of the blue. It's not even like he said hey babe, I think we might be spending a little too much time at home and would like to get out more. Like come on..... She also told him she didn't want to split up and she wants to communicate. He just shrugged! She simply told him that if he leaves and goes to this girl she will not take him back. THAT'S CALLED A BOUNDARY.
There's a lot to unpack here but I'm just going to go with your last paragraph regarding what a boundary is. > *She also told him she didn't want to split up and she wants to communicate. He just shrugged! She simply told him that if he leaves and goes to this girl she will not take him back. THAT'S CALLED A BOUNDARY.* A boundary is for **yourself**, it protects you from someone doing something **to you.** Setting a "boundary" for what someone else can do is not a boundary, it is controlling, jealous, and restricts their agency as a person. If this was a man telling a woman she can't go see an old friend from school who is a guy, this would be a different story in your eyes. Did he say he was attracted to this woman? No. Did he say he wanted to sleep with the woman? No. Did he say he wanted to go hang out with a friend who happened to be a woman? Yes, when asked. > *"For context we are both homebodies and rarely drink or go out, we watch movies together or other fun things. All of a sudden he said he wanted to go out drinking with a guy friend and his gf which did through me off as we don't do that."* Please explain to me why this is wrong for him to want to do. Is this man not allowed to make new friends and grow existing friendships? Has he given an indication before asking to go hang out with his guy friend and their gf of cheating? What is her fear with this? Personally I see this as irrational and would love for someone to rationalize this based on the information that she has given us. All of the stuff with the other woman he wanted to see separately was after she didn't let him hang out with a guy friend. > *She is stating that he is now doing things out of the norm of their norm. Not to mention it sounds to me like he is trying to come up with different scenarios seeing if she will agree.* To be blunt, no s***. She's denied him going out with guy friends for no reason. I'm sure he feels he doesn't have as much agency in the relationship as he thought, let alone her trust. Of course he's coming up with scenarios to test her with. He's trying to find out how controlling she is by asking for normal things and seeing if she says no. It seems like she's saying no to everything though doesn't it? I will again point out that he has given no sign or indication of being unfaithful. He has closed off aspects of his personal friendships to her because she's trying to control them.
It absolutely sounds like he's tired of being stuck at home with her controlling self
Yeah. People need to be really careful who they take advice from on here. There's a lot of people on here showing their lack of emotional intelligence.
He’s checking out the new supply and keeping OP waiting. He got more huffy when she said I’d you leave I won’t take you back, because that’s exactly what he was trying to set up on this scenario. A break so he’s not cheating, but an open door when he’s decided he’s had enough fun.
You're not listening. He's already broken up with you. And yes, he's with that other girl now. Your relationship is over. Best to figure out the practical side like finances and housing and move on. He already has.
You would not be wrong to leave, no. He has admitted to wanting to be with this woman and has said he wants a break from you. You say he doesn’t love you. I would let him go. The house can be dealt with by the attorney and the courts. Your kids will help with the baby. I’m sorry, OP. *Edited.*
Even disregarding the other woman entirely, this man is disrespectful and a terrible communicator. Having said that, OP is also very codependent and forbids him from going out with friends out of fear/insecurity. This is not a healthy relationship at all.
I think he's entitled to go out for drinks leaving you with the baby, PROVIDED you are also granted that from him, if you don't like to go out fair enough, but as long as he would be okay if you did. Storming off because your partner wants to go out sounds a little puerile if I am honest, life doesn't stop because you have children, but again, you're entitled to leave him and go out too and if he's not okay with that you have problems. However as for the rest it does sound as if he has checked out for whatever reason..if he's not having a physical affair he's likely having an emotional one. A conversation needs to be had, particularly with as little emotion as possible. He owes you to be honest with you about what is going on. If he just wants a different type of life now and wants to be out and about more decide if you're okay with that. If there is more going on than that, would he be honest? IMO gut instinct is rarely wrong.
I think the problem here is that he suddenly did a complete 360 on how they've been living their life for almost a decade. That warrants a closer look at what he's doing and what's going on. People don't make drastic changes like that for no good reason.
180* And I kinda get where he's coming from. Sometimes it's easy to mold yourself to your partners lifestyle and realize you're bored out of your mind.
Communicate. Not mold
>Communicate. Easier said than... said.
Wanting to go out for a drink with one male friend is not a drastic change from being a homebody though. He didn’t say he wanted a partying lifestyle. Just one night with a friend. And she literally said no, got angry and stormed off. Now after this, his lifestyle change seems more drastic. But I’m sorry, OP DOES seem really hard to talk to. It seems she has it in her mind that they’re in a contract to be each other’s forever homebodies. So if you find that that’s not really who you are anymore it can be hard to communicate that when your partner literally lost their cool when you only wanted to go out once in the past. OP is allowed do stay the same and want to be a homebody but her partner is allowed to change as person and I really don’t feel like OP provides a safe space for him to express his desires to be more extroverted.
What if he didn’t like how they were living and he wanted to go out and do things and she always said no. Then he didn’t communicate that and then just snapped and left
Yes, something going on definitely. Not necessarily extra relations but understand why OP is smelling a rat.
Totally agree with this post. The first part where she says he can't go out because it's something they "don't do" is highly concerning. Like....what? You can't go live your life because you've been a homebody in the past? Who made that rule and in what world is that a good and safe relationship? I have so many friends who are constantly told no by their wives and tbh it makes them all miserable even if they stay in the relationship. However, the rest of the story I also agree with you on. There's some concerning details. But I have to play devils advocate here and say that the two may be related. If he has been miserable due to being forcibly suppressed and kept in the house and constantly told no, then it's no wonder he's grown cold and distant and possibly checked out on the relationship. This couple needs therapy and professional help if these details are correct... imo. Hope OP reads this
Or maybe he didn’t realize he was suppressed until the glass broke. Now he feels trapped and is acting out Also he is probably just cheating on her
People don't cheat when they're happy and satisfied in a relationship. Very few people are comic book evil in real life. It's unfortunate, but they have kids and a life together. It's worth a professional helping them through what is surely a difficult time.
100%. Even from her side she freaked out he wanted to grab a drink with friends. A reaction like that is not a sign of a healthy relationship. People with kids should be pushing their spouses out of the house on a regular basis
Plus this is her side of the story. I noticed how little comment there was about the fallout from her storming off/saying no. I was with a woman like that for quite a long time and it breaks you down over time, until you don't even want to have challenging conversations because they don't feel worth the outbursts that come with it.
I've been there, you just eventually check out of the relationship mentally because arguing isn't worth it. Sometimes it's hard to break it off because you know the kind of hell they will raise, so you just wait for them to break it up.
*generalized anxiety disorder checks in* I can almost never trust my gut when I’m unstable 😂 OP: your gut is right. I commented also, but if you end it, I’ll say it again: TELL EVERYONE WHY
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THE WORST when all your “irrational fears” come true 😩
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Haha I did the same thing!
I just wrote almost the exact same comment but maybe worded it a bit harsher than you.
The only thing I'm going to point out is that OP didn't storm off. The partner did.
>Storming off because your partner wants to go out sounds a little puerile if I am honest, I'm guessing OP has been suspicious longer than theyre willing to admit
OP didn't storm off the partner did.
No, that was just OP being childish. The way they word everything ‘WE don’t go out, WE don’t like to do this, WE don’t like to do that’ shows a clear enmeshing that isn’t healthy.
I almost wrote something like that but we don't know do we?
Sounds like he wants out of the marriage but he doesn’t want to be the bad guy so he’s trying to make you be the one to make the decision. Get a good lawyer and try to sell the house and split the the profits. Make sure he pays you child support as well as alimony.
Do not leave. Tell him that there’s no break from adulthood and parenthood. He could have talked to you about going out with friends, or getting a sitter and having a night out together with friends, but instead, he doesn’t want you there and is sneaking around. Now he’s talking about taking a break and refusing to stop talking to a woman that he doesn’t want you to meet, and has pulled up walls and checked out emotionally. Tell him that you and the kids are staying put. If he wants to pretend to be single, he can pack a bag and go be single, but the relationship is over if he walks out the door. He’s choosing an exciting new lady and escapism over his family. Let him deal with finding a new home. If he tries to pull anything or start a fight, call the police to document. Everything else will be decided in court. He can’t have his cake and eat it, too. He wants the freedom to explore and play and be single, but is too much of a coward to leave his back up plan. Don’t let him make you crazy and miserable.
This is the best response. He is the one who checked out, ao tell him to go be with that woman. You are not a side chick and this is your home.
Yeah this reads like fatherhood is too much for him. She says they’re home bodies but I wonder how much of one he really is or wants to be. I’m 28 and single so having 3 kids already would be a lot different of an experience. He wants out and they both need to communicate but it sounds like he already has. He can’t handle it. He might want to come back and you might let him. And he might want out again. I’d find someone else who wants the same lifestyle as OP
That’s a pretty big jump. She’s basically explained 4-5 times over the past few weeks he left the house. I would say it’s normal to get cabin fever and want to grab a drink with friends or go for a drive Not saying he’s not cheating, but just because he wants to have friends doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be a father. It’s pretty clear he’s been helping to raise her two other kids for the past 7 years
I just feel like being a step dad would be a big difference from being a dad to a 1 year old. That might have set in how much of a commitment he’s taken on. Plus he said he needs a break but I thought he meant actually a break, and not just a couple hours with friends
Disagree, this seems like an absolutely failed relationship that’s toxic for both people, but especially for OP. Her husband won’t even communicate with her and gives her the silent treatment like a teenager. If I were her I wouldn’t *leave* per se, but I would definitely end things for multiple reasons that each on their own would be justification enough. I would also highly recommend a therapist.
It doesn't sound like there's much of a relationship there. Which is fine in itself, that can happen. But this isn't the way that he should have dealt with it at all. He should either break up, or try to fix things. If he won't fix things with you (and there are clearly issues), that's more than enough reason to walk away. You don't really know exactly what's going on so I wouldn't sell it as him cheating and honestly, that's not really the issue here IMO. It's the lack of communication and the fact the relationship has broken down with him showing absolutely no interest in repairing it.
You don’t have to have proof of him cheating. You can breakup for any reason. He is disrespecting you and you don’t have to put up with it. Sounds like he has checked out and thought you I’ll put up with his crap. If he wants to pout like a child and he thought he could do what he wanted. You can put yourself first and out him out now. Don’t wait for him to make plans to move out. Make the choice for him.
He is cheating with her. He wants you to break up so that he can say you were the bad guy, that's why he is treating you like shit.
Yup, he doesn’t want to be the bastard that cheated and left his 7 year relationship and partner with a 1 year old! My dad cheated, had a mistress for 5 years (we only knew of 2 years until after he died) he finally left for her but still didn’t initiate the divorce, he made my mum do that. It’s just another manipulation, so he could claim victimhood “she divorced me” not “I cheated and lied for my whole 25 years of marriage, 30 year relationship. Ending in a 5 year affair and finally abandoned my children and wife for my 15 years my junior miss thang.”😬🤷♀️🤦♀️ that would be hard to manipulate to claim any victimhood.
I went through this with my ex-partner, same change in behavior, going out at weird times with his ‘friends’’, a lot of other red flag things and I knew he was cheating on me but I couldn’t prove it so I felt I had no reason to leave. Eventually I managed to find proof that he was in fact cheating on me and I left. Yet he still made me feel like I was at fault for breaking it off. It took me a while to realize that should have left when I had doubts, that him making me feel unloved was enough reason to leave. I agree that it seems like he’s trying to make you leave so that then it’s your fault not his. I would give him an ultimatum that if he’s going to continue to behave the way he is then it’s up to him to pack his bags and leave. If he doesn’t and he is cheating he’ll eventually slip up and you’ll have to proof you need anyway.
Men are so funny. They will literally become a different person on a random Tuesday afternoon. Then they will ask: omg how did she know I was cheating !! lol
I'm a man, and my kids' mom did this. She ended up on drugs, and I have full custody of my 2 kids now.
I don’t know why she singled out men. Shows her bias.. people, male or female, switch up all the time
I don't think this is confined to men
Agreed, just scumbags. M or F
Not all men for sure. Anecdote tho: my friends husband was having an affair with his coworker (who knew he was married)…. My friend was fucking pregnant and had a number of complications which she was left to handle alone and with her mom. There’s cheating and then there’s cheating on the mother of your children. Disgusting.
All the obvious signs are there. Trust your gut. You deserve better.
I pretty much stopped reading after she threw a tantrum because he wanted to hang out with a friend for the first time in seven years. It's no wonder he got cold after that. My question is, is never going out or socializing with anyone really how "they" are, or is he boxed in to avoid the repercussions of wanting any external social contact? The fact that she acts like telling him no was a totally acceptable thing to do is really telling. If he was telling her that she can't leave the house I feel like this would read differently to a lot of people.
Yeeeeeaaaahhhh... OP sounds Incredibly difficult/tedious. His distance may be because every time he tries to do anything she freaks out... Oh and look now she is accusing him of cheating! Because he wanted to meet with some girl he knew. Fuuuuck that.
Don't let him continue to treat you that way. Go to the courthouse and file for divorce.
I don’t think he’s being so obvious about cheating. I’m not convinced he’s cheating at all. By your own account, all of this started about a fight between you two because he wanted to go out with some friends. That’s really where you need to start unpackaging this. FYI, I go out without my wife all the time and she does the same. I don’t find that weird at all. People need friends and it’s not fun dragging a spouse along to a group she’s not friends with. She becomes the third wheel all night and doesn’t have fun. Also, FYI… I can’t think of a single time in 20 years of marriage that my wife and I told each other NO!. We are both adults for Gods sake! I think you should just be open to the idea of that he’s pissed at you because you guys had a fight.
It sounds like he wanted to do something socially and you kicked off about it because you want him to act in a certain way. Saying "we're homebodies" doesn't really mean he's a homebody, it means you're a homebody and you are homebodies together. Its more than likely that he decided he wanted to go out, see some old friends and get a break from what sounds like a very mundane life. When you acted negatively towards that it was probably pretty scary. He might be having a crisis in his head right now that he's wasted his last 7 years doing nothing and now he's unsure about how to get out from that. Such a person is ripe for another woman to swoop in and take advantage. It could also be that she's literally just a friend and nothing more. Whatever the case, you both need to sit down an shave a serious talk. You need to be honest and find out what you both want.
Regardless of whether or not he is cheating, he is not treating you respectfully. If he wanted to go out more, he should have told you and you could have arranged a sitter and go out with him. He didn't give you that option and instead meets up and talks to another woman. If you're not ok with that, you kot OK with it. Maybe tell him you'd like a break too and he can look after the kids while you get some time. If you don't think you can trust him you need decide if you want to stay in this relationship. You don't stay around for the baby which is what he seems to think. You deserve better.
Sounds like Dean is having some fear of missing out and grew up too early. He is digging his own grave that we will come to regret later. Doesn't sound like you should be there to help dig him out. If you're no longer happy and feel disrespected, then leave. File a custody motion for the 1F and learn to love again.
He wants a break? He has a child—there is no break. 24/7 the rest of your life. He sounds like an immature coward. I’m so sorry you are in this position. Leaving will probably make you happier in the long run. Good luck.
Frankly it sounds like he wants out but doesn’t want to ‘be the asshole’ to his friends and family by breaking up when he’s got a 1 year old at home…. So he’s putting it on you to leave him. Piece of garbage imo I would not leave, if he wants to leave then it’s him abandoning his family. Don’t leave the house, talk to a lawyer and file for child support. Also get a custody order.
Tell him he can have his break, but he needs to pack his bags and go. Then end this relationship. Get a custody order in place and file for child support. This guy has decided he doesn't want to be with you, and he's going to use the baby to string you along. He asked for a break, give it to him. And once he is out, then finalize whatever necessary to separate your lives. It's not a break, it's a break-up. But we can save this final word until he is safely gone and you are secure in handling the adult responsibilities that he is neglecting.
Oh the good ol line, “I didn’t tell you cause you’d be mad” line. That is the guilty person trying to justify their wrong behavior and place the blame on you. It is manipulative! Also the only reason people want to be on a break is so they can be with other people so they can say that they didn’t cheat. The truth is, if there are issues in a relationship, you can work through it together, and stay together. Or, then fully break up. There are no breaks. He showed you who he truly is, and how little he actually cares about you by his actions. Believe him!
Not wrong. He has already bolted. He just doesn't have the stones or respect for you to tell you so he fabricated a situation where you question everything and piss him off so he can turn around and say you are to clingy and stifling. Time for plan B
He's checked out of your relationship and doesn't think your strong enough to do anything about it. Difficult but I would call his bluff and kick him out. If he wants to stay, make him show you his phone and if there are any deleted messages or conversations then you'll assume that means he's been cheating and see what happens?
Not wrong, even from the title. Dating isn’t about justice, it’s about if you feel you’re compatible. You don’t owe anyone a relationship, if you don’t trust him, you leave.
At this point, it is going to take both of you to fight for your relationship. If one isn’t interested, then it is over. Get an attorney involved. It is now a business transaction.
You already do everything else for him, don’t make leaving your burden too. At some point you need to stand up.
Not wrong at all. At the very least, he wants a break. There’s a reason for wanting it that he’s either not telling you or not being honest with you about. You have every right to set boundaries of what you’re comfortable with, and it’s up to him if he truly wants to make this relationship work. You also right in expecting honest communication from him, which he is currently not doing. He’s very distant, cold, avoiding you and not properly communicating is actions or his needs. Those things alone are enough to leave the relationship. You can sit down withhim and express all this and what boundaries you expect, even some couples counseling together, and his response will tell you everything you need to know. Good luck.
I would leave him for that. You don't need proof to leave someone. He is going out drinking, hiding messages from you, and has three kids at home. His behavior is absolutely unacceptable and the fact that he won't reassure you or bother to take the time to explain himself or consider your feelings is just, repulsive.
Drop him. NTA
Since the house is in your name, you should not leave the house. Just kick him out. This is important. Just redecorate the house. Or re arrange the furniture.
I think there is a lot to unpack here. First, as others have said, it sounds like OP’s night one reaction was unreasonable. Getting mad and making him Feel trapped / having to storm off to go out for one night with some friends is not a reasonable response to the request. I feel like there must be more to the backstory here. Like…. Has has asked before, and you’ve shut it down? Or has he accepted no for an answer and just sat back down on the couch? Without knowing the backstory, it’s hard for me to really say. Is he a first time biological parent? I know he’s something of a step father to your older children, but is this new baby his first that’s his own? It sounds like OP has done this before a few times, but caring for and raising an infant is a new and challenging task for anyone, and it might feel overwhelming to him meanwhile it’s another day at the office for you because you’ve done this now twice already. It’s not unreasonable for him to want one night off. I’m Sure if you asked for a night off as well he would give it to you, am I wrong? I’m a nice guy, and I’m a wonderful partner. That said, I can be a petty bitch too. If you gave me so much flack about going out the night before, and you made such a big deal out of it…. Yeah, I’m likely to make it a big deal and go out for the second night in a row. It’s not necessarily the right thing to do, but let me have my process 😂 There ARE however some major red flags here IMO. Changes in behavior or process are very often the first tell that someone is going astray. For me it’s the suddenly not coming home at lunch time. How long has this continued? Days? Weeks? If days, eh whatever you’re in a fight. Might be nothing. More than a few days, then this is a behavioral change and something that should be alarming. Saying he doesn’t want to break up for the sake of the baby but wants a break roughly translates to “let’s take a pause so I can go fuck this bitch, and then I’ll come back to you afterwards so we can live happily ever after”. A break is essentially a pause in a relationship and leaving you in limbo while they think they have free range to do whatever they want
Nope. Doesn't matter if he's officially cheating or not... he's treating you like shit, regardless. He's shut down, doesn't want to "fix" the relationship, and wants to spend time with another woman, leaving you at home with a 1 year old. Not that you need it, but if you feel like you need someone's permission to leave him? You've got it. I bet you anything the reason his previous relationship didn't work out was over something similar. He can't handle being a father, can't handle "home life", wants to "go out" and "be normal" whatever the hell that means... so, let him. You can't "work out" making someone love you. If his feelings are gone, they're gone... feelings can come back, but not by "work". There's nothing you can do to make him feel love for you. I know that's a harsh thing to hear, but it's true... and I'm doing you a kindness by letting you know that. Because I don't want you to bash your head against the wall trying to make something happen that simply can't happen. Honestly, the cheating is irrelavant. Leaving at night for hours, not answering his phone... what if there was an emergency with the baby? Just... the REASON for his behavior is irrelevant. His behavior is the problem, his unwillingness to change or stop hurting you is the problem. You say he hasn't loved you for a while... so.... really, what IS the point here? Him not loving you is reason to leave. Him leaving you alone with the kids all the time is reason to leave. Him not answering his phone for hours is reason to leave. Him not caring how his behavior is making you feel is reason to leave. Him being unwilling to fix anything is reason to leave. How many reasons do you need? If he's ACTUALLY cheating... so? At this point, there are so many other shitty things going on here, it wouldn't even matter. Kick him out/leave - if you're married, get a divorce lawyer. If you're not married, get a lawyer about custody stuff. Don't waste any more time.
Gas Light
Oh he's cheating. he also thinks you're a blithering idiot. Don't be.
You should have checked his phone. Shady behavior.
He is already cheating and sounds like he's mentally not in the relationship.
Two things to remember, IF it's not definite cheating: 1. Disrespect for boundaries 2. Single person behavior. A boyfriend says he and his coworkers are taking a client out to happy hour. He comes home and says they had a nice dinner...then went to a strip club. You show disappointment but decide to forgive him. Two weeks later, he and his coworkers go out again. He does say it's possible they'll be visiting the strip club. You tell him you don't like it. Two weeks later he's going out with a couple coworkers and some guy friends; again to the strip club. You put your foot down and tell him to knock it off. You've set a boundary, and if he ignores it, then he's shown you complete disrespect for your feelings. It may not be cheating to a lot of people--but the disrespect is a valid deal breaker. Perhaps he's not going to the strip club with "da boyz." However, he has made new friends who happen to be female. He goes out on nights you happen to be busy, and hangs out with these friends. Sometimes he comes home pretty late. You've seen these ladies look at him, and you can see he's loving the attention. One of the ladies keeps texting him and makes him smile--she even sent him a picture of herself in a new bikini. He tells you he's just a designated driver, and the ladies are *just friends*. He may not be screwing them, but he's engaging in single person behavior. Single person behavior does not include the significant other--and that's a valid deal breaker. Would you be wrong in leaving him? Nope! Would you be right to accuse him of cheating? No, but you can point out he's disrespectful of your boundaries, and he's acting like a single boy...not your boyfriend. He may try to gaslight you and say you're over reacting. That's just one more red flag up his butt. If you want to save the relationship, then have a sit-down chat with him. Tell him your expectations, your tolerances, and your boundaries. Don't be afraid to give a little; let him see his friends, but he should invite you. If he continues to scoff or blow you off, then you have your answer (which, tbh, I think you already know what your answer is).
Im sorry to say, he already broke up with you. He just didn’t tell you. If you’re in the US, the house stuff will be easily settled in mediation, so don’t worry there. Just get an attorney so he doesn’t screw you over. Speaking from personal experience there.
You chose a weak man, that choice will live with you and all three kids forever. Women work their asses off and dim their own light and it doesn’t even make weak men better, it just stalls their failures and you from knowing you wasted your time until you have your blood invested. Thoughts and prayers, bestie.
He is cheating whether anything physical is going on or not. If you are in a relationship, you should not be hanging out 1 on 1 with anyone of the opposite sex. It sounds like he is trying to get you to break up with him, so he doesn't have to take any blame.
get a lawyer just incase its proven he is cheating. get ahead of him in every way to make sure you get the most from him for potentially breaking your trust and the family up. No need to wait. TRUST YOUR GUT and IF he is being loyal you have a lawyer for any future situations. Wishing the best🙌🏾 also even if you have to wait it out just be prepared and also if y’all ever have sex from this point forward wear protection you don’t want to potentially get a disease.
No part of this story is "trying to be short".
NTA. The cheating thing is a distraction. Your partner has left the relationship and is waiting for you to give him permission to end it for good. He knows that people will think he is an AH if he leaves you when you guys just had a baby so he needs you to kick him out. You don't need to prove he's cheating to break up with him. Just tell him you can see that he's no longer part of the relationship and tell him to find a new place to stay. Sometimes it's better for the kids to end it cleanly before things get bitter and hostile. Edit: as others have said, get a lawyer first so you can protect your kids' interest, keep custody, and get child support.
OP - He IS cheating on you. Not sure why you are trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here, but this guy wants someone else, even if he regrets his actions later, he still is seeing someone else. You deserve better, so go talk to a lawyer and find out your options, this guy is only trying to keep you on the line so he can have his fun but still have a home to go too. Talk to a lawyer!! Do not let him take you for granted, you deserve better, and don't think that you, wanting this to work is going to fix this, he's done with this relationship for now, but he wants his cake and to eat it too. You deserve better!!! Get a lawyer, sell the home and move on! You don't want to be with a man who is most likely having sex with someone else, who lies to you and who doesn't love you in return. It won't be easy at first, but you'll be ok. By the way, if he seriously just needed someone to talk to, he should've talked to you and not some other woman.
He wants to try things out with this new girl to see if it’ll work out before he gives you the permanent cut. That’s why he wants “a break.” He won’t fully leave until he knows for sure and will keep you on the back burner, being cold and distant in the meantime. Run.
Leave him, and tell everyone exactly why. He was spending so much time with other women. He didn't love you or your family enough to fix it.
he's doing it on purpose to get you to break up with him
Sweetheart, this relationship is done. He HAS broken up with you, he's just keeping you around in case this other person doesn't work out.
I mean he's definitely cheating.
Some relationships just run their course. You had two older kids, so how come you decided for another baby with this guy? Was it planned? If you just become passive, you might not get everything you deserve in the divorce. I would be pro-active and contact a lawyer and get some advice. He’s clearly cheating, and if he’s not sleeping with the new chick, he’s at least emotionally cheating.
He's cheating
As someone who survived a serial cheater but only recently learned 1) the small things matter. If he’s hiding text messages, there is a reason. 2) lying about the little things is a sign they will lie about the big things. 3) you don’t need full proof. Just go with your gut. When you know you know. So no, you are not wrong. And dude is shady. Run!
Seems like you're being fairly controlling, but it seems to be coming from a place of fear which you've made clear to him and he's not doing anything to put you at ease. I say break up. From your description of how he's treated your children I'd wager he'll still do his part with his baby
If he leaves to stay elsewhere divorce his ass and pursue support I'm married 36m, 1y old f, another baby on the way. If I treated my wife the way he treated you, I would have given every signal that I don't care about you short of banging a girl in your bed. He's been disrespectful, shows a lack of caring and empathy towards his whole family by claiming he needs this bs. He needs to grow up or get thrown to the curb. You don't need proof of cheating here. The he needs this new girl in his life is a sign he is moving on without you
A new baby is a different responsibility to step kids and he doesn’t like it. He wants to have his cake and eat it while not looking like he abandoned his kid.
Not wrong per se... but... I wouldn't leave my spouse for cheating; I'd leave because I don't want to stay. Just own your side of the selfish human desires, and go do what you feel is best for you... You don't have to keep score, and quiet quitting a marriage is grade school playground nonsense... There's WAY easier paths you can walk that lead to happiness, but not if you're tied down to some BS contractual promise that nobody is living up to.
You're not wrong. Trust your gut. Leave him. Ask for child support since both of you have a child. Never accept him if he begs. Let him feel what he'd lost. I hate cheaters. There is no second chance for him.
You have proof of his cheating and he already has said that he wants to break up. Your impression that you don't have proof and that you are the one who is leaving him is messed up. He already left you. He won't say he loves you, won't kiss you, and is now saying he wants her in his life. Yes, break up. He just doesn't want to break up bc he doesn't want to pay child support. Don't be stupid. 1. Stop having children. 2. Get your own place or ask him to move out and 3. Get an attorney to make sure you get child support.
He said he intends to see her and wants to get away from you. Dude is cheating, *absolutely* emotionally if not physically. He may still want to keep you around because your stability is useful, but he has checked-out of your relationship. Time to change the locks. He can take a long walk to wherever and figure himself out. You can decide what you want to do from here without him coming in- and out of the house and throwing your emotions into a mess.
People like the boyfriend here always act like they have no control over the choices they make. They never take responsibility for their actions. They always just repeatedly get "sucked into situations" where things like growing apart, boredom, and cheating just happen and there was nothing they could've done to stop it at any point. They don't go to couples therapy because "what's the point?". I don't know, seems to me that people who get possessed by some demons who completely take control of their thoughts and actions should have guardianship or at least they should only date people like themselves and leave decent committed people alone. Edit: We might have exes like this who exit your life when you need them or the situation is challenging in e.g long distance relationship for a while, or a baby year or whatever only to try to reenter when it's convenient for them and when they realize their lack of judgement. People who leave you can always do that again, make no mistake.
So sorry you’re going through this. Absolute fuckery. Like most comments, I agree with the view that he’s pushing this on YOU so YOU end it. That’s fine. Do it But when you do, make sure you tell EVERYONE why :) Hugs!!!!! And good luck. Shitty this is happening around the holidays
he’s 100% cheating but wants you to end things so he can say he’s not the bad guy! i would do a few things here……. get a friend to follow him and try to find out where she lives. see a lawyer so you know your rights. start checking bank statements ect see if he’s spending on her. if you find out where she lives go knock the door while he’s there make sure you record if it’s legal so your not accused of anything you’ve not done….. make sure you tell her he’s a cheat if she still carries on seeing him that will be on her! get your ducks in a row as this is probably what he’s doing right now, he’s probably just waiting for christmas to be over to end things
So he goes out for a "night drive" and just happens to run into his guy friends? How do you accomplish that? Did they just coincidentally see each other a stop light? That excuse is so lame and desperate. Wake up! Yes, he's cheating so now you need to figure out want you want to do about that. You will need to consult with an attorney about the ownership of the home.
He’s a cheater. You know it in your heart. Time to hold him accountable for his actions.
He's cheating. I'm sorry.
Lawyer. You need a lawyer. You own a house together and you have a child together. Lawyer.
Not wrong. He's cheating. If he wasn't, you would have been included in the first outing with A COUPLE. He would have introduced you to his friend. Don't think your memories are fake. Those days were real until he got the 7 year itch and acted on it instead of talking to you about it so you could work together to give him what he needs without cheating. Be brave here. Take some time to formulate a plan before you tell him. You've done your part to fix it and he's clearly said he doesn't want a good marriage to you. Good luck.
NTA. You absolutely NEVER have to justify why you want to break up. Any reason is a good reason, even if you don’t have a reason but just want to. You are not a hostage. If the relationship doesn’t work for you, break up. In your specific scenario, it sounds like he’s trying to make you break up with him so he won’t be the bad guy. Once the trust is gone, you really don’t have a relationship anyway. Give him what he wants, cut him loose. But then don’t look back.
You should leave him. You don’t trust him and he can’t be trusted. He is going out on dates with another woman. You know it’s over. There’s no need to wait around and waste your time. Get a lawyer and focus on co-parenting, getting full custody, getting the house, and child support.
I read an article the other day about the 'walkway wife'. Very interesting. Don't physically leave, but mentally and emotionally do. Show no interest in what he does, where he goes, show no emotion, do not say you love him or care, nothing. Even arrange your own evenings out (not with him though).. Ask him to look after the baby or get a sitter if he is not keen. But go out. If he asks, just say you were with friends. Just live your life as though he is not part of it. Make plans for when you do leave, or he does. Get everything prepared, paperwork, lawyer, finances, etc. Try and get proof he is cheating. Good luck.
There’s no point in staying in a relationship with no trust. Breaking up with someone because you just aren’t into them anymore is also valid.
He’s cheating. You know it. You deserve better. Hes betrayed you. He’s the looser. Look after yourself. Kick him out. Do whatever it takes to protect yourself and your family.
He clearly wants out of your relationship and has definitely cheated on you. Get a lawyer to sort out the financial settlement and child support.
Three kids by two men, all before age 30, and you're about to be single again. I think you need to reevaluate your taste in men, NTA but don't have any more kids for a while.
…irrelevant
Is it, though?
Ya. Don’t be a creep.
I know I might get down voted to hell, but it's pretty safe to assume he's cheating on you at this point. He doesn't want to talk because he knows he's been caught and is guilty. I would definitely break it off with him
Just a thought, he is being secretive in the run up to Christmas. Is it possible he is trying to hide a Christmas gift and is being really stupid about it?
He said he wanted a break. How stupid can this person be?
sounds like your guy has baby burnout, he wanted a night away with a friend(male) to go drinking and you refused to let him go... I get that you like being home(I do too) but some people need time out away to unwind. you refusing to allow him to go out with a friend(male), is just going to push him deeper into his burn out. when a person gets too burned out it makes them want to escape. this new woman(probably isn't cheating yet) is going to be his way of escaping since you're being so controlling.
I think it's pretty clear that the "going out with a friend (male)" wasn't true. He was going to meet the woman. She suddenly appeared the next day.
possibly, but just as possible he actually wanted/needed a night out. OP admits she is a homebody, I am too so I get it, but not everyone is. my wife goes out with her friends atleast once a month, so I get some people need that...
I don't think he needed it until he started the online chat with the "old school friend". OP says they are both homebodies. He has been for at least 7 years. Now suddenly there's a new online chat with a woman and he needs to go out several days in a row and hang out with her when he knows it's hurting his wife.
again: baby burnout. OP mentions the young child, my youngest is 4(almost 5) months old, and if I didn't get breaks here and there I'd go crazy. from reading the post I think that is what is happening here, but I could be wrong...
I would definitely believe that, too, if this other woman didn't suddenly magically appear at the same time
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Yeah I didn’t get the “baby break” thing as if she doesn’t need a “baby break?” Lol The dude talking to a woman and then him saying he’s going out with the boys is super fishy…
I think you replied to wrong comment, or you didn't read it well. The commenter stated a possible explanation about the boyfriend's behaviour. They didn't accuse women in general for doing something, and didn't blame them for stuff men do.
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Stop blaming men for everything women do. Also, men cannot baby trap women.
Stop blaming men for everything women do.
Tell him "Stop being a coward and just leave if you want. Trying to be wait for me to end it doesn't make you a martyr, it makes you a sackless little bitch."
I'd be inclined to say yes as you have absolutely no proof, and the only reason seems to based on him asking to go out without you and you kicked off and said no. Its understandable that after you've said no to him seeing friends he's been off with you as it's an unreasonable stance you've taken. Plus think about if this was a post about a man saying his female partner had to stay home at all times to look after the baby, the comments would destroy them.
You missed the part where she was going to let him go out with his friend, but he didn’t want her to go with him, so she told him no. When does she get to have a date night? When does she get a break? Sneaking around, talking to a female on the sly for weeks without telling his wife, stonewalling, refusing to stop seeing the new woman because “he wants her in his life”… this dude is already checked out.
So basically he’s not allowed to have a life outside of her LOL
Don't even need to read you know why cause u can leave someone for no reason at all and still wouldn't be the asshole. But you are an asshole for needing strangers to point this out.
The "we don't do that" statement you made a couple times is scary, he is his own person he does that clearly. It does sound like he's wanting you to break it off with him or something though...
I feel like there is alot left out intentionally.