He got better at hiding it for a little while, and now he's not even bothering to hide it even remotely. Female 'friends' calling him baby? Changing the background picture on his phone so it's not of her and telling her to walk away if she chooses because he's not changing it? Female names the wife doesn't know calling and then immediately sending a WhatsApp? He's stopped even attempting to hide his cheating. Next thing you know you'll find another woman's underwear in his car and he'll be like "Oh I gave a coworker a ride home, must be hers" or some other equally obvious situation.
My money is on the fact that he doesn't want to go through the effort of ending the marriage, so he's getting more and more blatant with his cheating until she finally does it for him.
Especially if she can't get actual evidence of cheating. If she breaks up with him because of his behaviour here, she'll just be the "bitch who broke up their family because she's paranoid", even though it's patently obvious to everybody that he's cheating. He'll take tiny bits of this story out of context to tell people - that she threw the shits over his phone background, and got upset when he changed his phone password, and refused to let him have any female friends. It's just that all of these things exist in context, and that context is that he's clearly cheating.
He's definitely playing dumb even when he's caught red-handed
And I'm sorry to say this OP, but any man in a committed monogamous relationship who is helping women that call him, "baby", "pick out outfits" is definitely cheating on you.
Once there were no immediate consequences when you found out about that obvious example of infidelity he got cocky and started using your fear of finding out he was cheating again against you unfortunately.
Please don't let yourself be used like this anymore for your own mental health and dignity. You are deserving of love and respect, and while it is possible for a marriage to survive cheating in rare cases when both people are willing to work their butts off together to make it work, your husband has shown you unforgivable disrespect by taking the second chance you gave him and spitting on it. That's not love, or respect.
You don't need to see anymore messages from strange women to know he's being unfaithful, and it sounds like it's with multiple women if I understood your post correctly.
Don't play his, "catch me if you can" game. Quietly find a divorce lawyer, and some place safe to go. I'm also so sorry to have to say this, but if you have been intimate with him since the first time he cheated you should get a full STD panel to check and make sure everything is okay.
I'm really sorry this is happening, and I'm sending invisible hugs your way. Please take care of yourself.
OP this 👆is the best advise!! The best part of that advise is “QUIETLY GET A LAWYER.” He’s sneaking around, you should too. Not by cheating, but by squirreling away $$. Make sure YOUR credit cards are paid, so they’re available for emergency back up, and honestly, maybe you can be the bitch he’s making you out to be, and use your joint finances to pay for said lawyer. DO NOT stay for the kids. Every adult child who experienced that, wishes their parents had separated, rather than being forced to live in a toxic, phony, unhappy home. Remember children have NO power. You are making a decision for yourself and them. Seriously look at them, do they deserve this? Would you want them growing up and emulating your husband, or you, if you choose to stay? Can you imagine advising your daughter to stay in a relationship like yours? Or condoning and praising your son for behaving like your husband is? Get your personal affairs in order, and embrace that you’ll be seen as the bad guy by some, but they don’t know the whole truth, and if they do fuck them, their opinions don’t matter. Grow loving,strong,compassionate, and caring children. You aren’t doing that now. You are damaging more than yourself. Keep emotionally separating, and protecting yourself. You’ve tried discussing this with him. Quit trying to talk to him. Quit trying to work it out,or figure it out. Just quit trying for this relationship! He’s checked out and refuses to try. He’s obviously working on a back up plan for your marriage! Stay until you have all the intricacies of YOUR back up plan in place. Then, pack your valuables, leave the divorce papers on the counter, and leave.
100%. I found blatant evidence of cheating on my ex husbands phone and when I confronted him about it, the conversation was so completely gaslit that I ended up apologizing to HIM for going through his phone and for being paranoid, and to this day he tells people we divorced because I am untrustworthy and violated his privacy.
Oh, and he was engaged to the other woman 6 weeks later.
This is a fun fact that you may not know: in the Bible Belt, some states still have a law called “Alienation of Affection” where if you have proof of the cheating AND you can actually prove that the other party (not the partner but the one they are cheating with) knew that they were married, you can sue that person for alienation of your spouses affection and essentially receive alimony from that person as well. It’s an incredibly dated thing and I don’t at all agree with it, but it is real and people use it.
Agreed, he is hiding his hand to save face and still ' the grewt guy who tried so hard ri make it work."He was willing to let her leave their marriage over chsnging a phone background. The easiest thing to do in the world to ease your life partner's mind and soul. He doesn't care and maybe never has at all. What a selfish prick. Op and those kids deserve better.
He just doesnt want to be known/seen as a cheater. But he is both a liar and a cheater, and weak as hell. I hope OP divorces and cleans him out then rides off into the sunset with her kids, happy af and free from a liar and. A serial cheater, and all around shit example for his own kids.
The fact he was so blase about pulling this card over phone privacy means he’s already checked out. Sorry- but your marriage is already over in his head. Good luck to you in all this 💗
Yes. My abusive partner used to tell me whenever I’d try to talk about issues or share feelings and troubles to try and work out together. It was always “well there’s the door if you don’t like it”. Out of all the alarming and shady behaviors read in this story… that line stuck out to me the most.
it appears to me that she is probably earning, or at least paying, most of the finances. No doubt doing most of the household chores/mental load.
He doesn't want to give up hiseasy ride.
OP, this seems spot on in my eyes.
Look into if your state is an at fault state and sue him/them if possible. Make him pay you for the next 20 years. Your Marriage ending sucks, but you don’t have to lose completely.
My ex didn't outright cheat on me, but he would do similar shit. His defence was always that he wasn't technically doing anything, well except flirting with his female friends and entertaining girls who had crushes on him. It stressed me the fuck out and made me paranoid. At one point, my friend told me, "It's not like you to be this insecure girlfriend who's constantly asking who he's texting, trying to check his phone, constantly worrying what he's doing while he's not with you."
It kinda snapped me back to reality. I didn't have proof that he physically cheated, but I found his behaviour with other women (calling them baby, flirting in front of me, similar to OP) disrespectful enough. I got fed up with feeling insecure, so I broke it off. Well, of course, he was surprised that I ended it and tried to argue that he didn't break any rules cause he didn't physically do anything. I didn't have proof after all. He knew he was hurting me though and didn't care as long as he got someone's attention.
Don't waste your time, OP. I wasted so much time trying to figure out whether I'm being paranoid or trying to figure out whether anything physical is happening while simultaneously worrying that I'm acting like a crazy girlfriend. Don't wait to find another woman's underwear in his car.
There are crazy women out there, but if you're a normally secure person and this dude is leaving you feeling paranoid and insecure and he doesn't want to do anything to change it, fuck him. The shit he's doing is disrespectful and he doesn't give a fuck that its hurting you
My ex did this. I thought I was going mad when he shrugged off all the things I came across. When it came out, I realised it was a trail of croutons, designed to get me to kick him out. However, I was 7 months pregnant with our 3rd child, and I was adamant that he had to choose to leave the family. He was not going to say I kicked him out.
She said she’s now carrying the financial load, so my money is on the fact that he knows he can’t support himself. My guess is he would be even more blatant if he thought he could afford to be on his own.
He’s definitely cheating. Phone secrecy is one of the top indicators. Female contacts that he passes off as family friends showing up is the nail in the coffin. The fact that he’s done it before only supports the fact.
Cheating is abusive. Using her financially, while he carries on other relationships, is doubly abusive. Lying to her is abusive.
OP, if you read this, just know that you’ve got enough proof. You don’t have to catch him in bed, or listen to his lies. Take your income and run.
Right. I didn't have bread more than the first sentence to come to that conclusion. There's only 2 things that makes a person panic if their partner has their phone-photos and texts that indicate cheating.
People stay for the kids, but you’re doing more damage. Would you want your kid’s to stay just because they have kids, or do you want them to be happy? Children learn what they live. They’ll see the completely unhappy relationship and think it’s normal. Chances are that’s the kind of relationship they’ll choose. Show them you can be happy in a relationship or alone. Show them the life you want them to have. They see more than you think. Don’t teach them to stay while being cheated on.
I agree!!! My mother stayed with my dad for my siblings. It’s a mistake. OP Years from now you’ll be happy with life instead of wishing what if you did leave. It’s also important to show your kids, you know your worth. Also therapy!! You can regain confidence and self love ❤️
Absolutely this, I ended my marriage 8 years ago and now my children get to see their mum about to marry a top guy and me happily single.
They can see the options and how a good relationship should work
And, if you have joint accounts, close them and open a new account in your name. My husband kept taking cash advances on our credit cards. I found $16k in a locked cabinet, and "we" were always broke. I reported all of the credit cards stolen and closed them so he couldn't keep increasing the balances. We had 2 children. He told them I was cheating on him.
It sounds like OP wants this marriage more than her husband. He literally said it doesn't matter to him if you stay or leave. Maybe he is saving face to his family and doesn't want to initiate the divorce but it seems he is low key asking for it.
Depends on the state. I’m a lawyer. In California, if she stays in the family home, and he leaves, she owes him half the monthly fair market rental value of the home (minus his half responsibility for expenses like mortgage, insurance and taxes). She really needs to talk to a local family law attorney. The marriage seems beyond repair. I get it. I stayed with a cheater who promised not to cheat again. I loved her and loved my kids and didn’t want them to be children of divorce. But then a few years later she did it again. Rinse, repeat. The third time, my son was in college and my daughter had just started high school. But I was done. I knew I could tell my kids that I had already gone above and beyond for the family. My self respect wouldn’t allow a third chance and, frankly, she was ready to move on at that point with the other guy (a very wealthy lawyer). But my kids love me and know how devoted I was. I encouraged them to stay connected with their mom, but they still resent her and favor me. I tell them she was a bad wife but a good mother, but they tell me she never cared as much as I did and wouldn’t have cheated if she cared about the family. I was good looking, never cheated, didn’t have any substance abuse problems, never laid a finger on her in anger, and devoted myself to fun family experiences. But she wanted more. More money (her affairs were with rich guys). Even though we lived in a home overlooking the ocean in Santa Barbara County. It’s been 8 years and last year was the first year I could be civil to her. Ironically, after moving in with the last guy she cheated on me with, he cheated on her. As Taylor says “Karma”.
Is your name George Conway? Lol. I get you. Leave no stone unturned in helping your marriage and family stay together for the kids sake. But when they notice, it’s time to go, to show them how to make the very hardest of decisions and trust their instincts. They will utilize it, for sure. Good that you tell them to keep in touch with their mom to keep that lesson fresh.
I like how you point out that leaving when it’s time to go is actually a very valuable lesson for kids as well regarding self respect and trusting one’s instincts. Of course, as you said, after all efforts are exhausted.
A relationship can recover from a lot of things if they both want it, but contempt is not one of them, and that's what he seems to be expressing towards her. Get out of there.
It's not a boundary, but I guess they're saying more like "My partner has to present himself as married to the outside world" is a boundary, which I think still isn't necessarily, but it's closer.
Yeah, after the first time he was caught, there should have been a clear agreement/ understanding that OP should have free and open access to his devices at any time. No questions asked.
Edit: this would have to be mutual of course
Yeah it's embarrassing at this point there are so many red flags I could barely read the post. She already knows in her heart it's been over for a long time but for some reason she refuses to get that info to her brain and start making some good choices for herself.
You are not wrong. However, I would take it one step further and physically separate as well as emotionally. He is basically being unfaithful right in front of your eyes. If he cared about your relationship and your growth past his infidelity, he would be understanding why you question his messages/lock screen/password changing.
I also think it’s a huge issue that he told you you could leave him if you want. He is not willing to fight for this relationship or correct his behavior. And he most likely thinks you will never leave since you’ve given him several chances by now.
It’s time to want better for yourself and for your kids. Your kids don’t deserve to grow up in a home where mom and dad are miserable.
I’d say financial separation comes first. Especially for a woman who’ll have to shoulder two kids, potentially by herself. Get a new bank account, switch your direct deposit, start saving every penny that can be saved. Divorce is costly.
She could separate it probably would be cheaper than divorce. Do most us states in force child support, In Canada it's based on income. She should go see a lawyer about options.
I read “I let it go” a lot in your post. If you don’t respect yourself, he won’t either. Stop letting things go.
Just leave. But fix whatever is leading you to put up with this shit or you will just do the same with the next jerk.
Yikes. Lots of gaslighting going on here. “We have bigger issues than who I’m talking to” is quite the diversion. I’m equally as concerned about how dismissive he is with you as the chance of him cheating again. I would familiarize yourself with Dr. Ramani’s [videos](https://youtube.com/@DoctorRamani?si=BwhD0v6AHOqbEv6M).
My wife and I have an open policy with all things technology and social media. As long as you’re respectful, it should be fine for you to be able to go into it. He lost some privacy rights when he had an affair!
He’s not willing to fight yo keep you, tells you all you need to know about how much he values you. I’d call his bluff and get out now.
"We have bigger issues than who I'm talking to" is such a disrespectful statement! It minimizes your legitimate concerns and also implies that whatever "bigger issues" the two of you have somehow make his cheating irrelevant. Gaslighting and dismissive! LEAVE HIM.
I would hate your husband, too. He's still cheating, and he sucks.
I've had 3 guy friends since I was a teenager, and we've never referred to each other as "baby," and do you know why? Because we're actually just friends. 👀
My husband and I have complete access to all devices at all times because neither of us has anything to hide.
Either you dump him or live the rest of your life in misery and hope that he doesn't get another woman pregnant.
This comment really made me examine my own shit and damn, I’ve deserved better for so long… gonna have to change some things in my life… starting with me
Your kids deserve a better father than the lying cheating person who lives with you.
YOU deserve someone who is not a constant threat to your emotions.
I’m really happy you are emotionally separating yourself.
Have some self respect and leave. He broke your trust years ago, you are enabling his shit at this point. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.
Leave! You already want to go, if you are asking internet strangers for validation, you have it. He is clearly cheating on you while allowing you to carry the financial burden of the family. Move on.
“They call him baby”…those are not friends. Honestly, this will eat up at you because deep down you know you should have left back then. Consult a lawyer
He’s already proven to not be trusted. He should’ve been more than grateful for getting a second chance and yet he’s protecting his phone?!.. He may not be cheating, but one thing you do KNOW for certain is his consideration for you is non-existent, especially being aware of his track record. I’m really sorry but you deserve better and he deserves to be alone. Good luck
It's time to leave. You don't love him anymore and it's obvious he doesn't love you because he keeps putting you through the same shit that almost broke y'all's marriage the first time. He won't know the good thing he had until it's gone
You need to continue emotionally separating yourself from your husband and seek out an attorney as you prepare for a divorce. Face it, your husband is not into your marriage. He's more interested in all of his female "family" friends and has been trying his best to hide that from you (and doing a lousy job at that!).
Even if he isn't cheating he sounds a bit overly familiar with other women and is hiding it, so its emotional cheating at the very least.
He isn't showing much respect to you - you are communicating with him about the phone secrecy etc and he is ignoring and belittling you for it. If he hadn't cheated previously and this behaviour was happening, I would say try counselling so he can learn about showing proper respect and why its important etc.
But since he has cheated and almost lost you as a result, he should have learnt all about respecting you and the marriage around that time.
He clearly hasn't so it's unlikely he is going to start respecting you OP.
Time to leave him.
I predict he will play it cool at first and then panic once he realises you are really gone. He doesn't respect you so it's going to come as a shock when you show some backbone and close the door on him for good. People like him also don't normally respect themselves - he sounds like a (pathetic) bad egg.
Once the trust is gone so is the relationship, I have several friends that are female and my wife knows that, not once have I ever helped them pick out an outfit that's far too personal and something a partner of other girlfriends do
Honestly ask yourself this: is this someone I want my kids to look up to? Is this the role model I want them to have? Are you happy?
Having kids with someone is one thing but choosing to raise ur family with them after finding out about their constant infidelity is another.
At the end of the day, it’s ur life and u make the decision but it seems like deep down you already know what you want.
This is embarrassing for you. He is not acting how someone in love behaves. Having to MAKE my husband give me his password and *change his phone background*?!?! Girl no. This isn't high school. Suck it up, stop settling, and do what you gotta do. He's not going to change, he doesn't even *want* to.
He’s definitely up to something. If he has nothing to hide he wouldn’t be so defensive about it. I’d start making a plan for your departure. He isn’t taking your concerns seriously and keeps disregarding your frustrations. A man who loves you, wouldn’t do that to you. Good luck.
The writing is on the wall, he’s cheating again, he’s even using the same excuse he used last time, calling the affair partner a “family friend”, which means he cares so little about you that he’s barely trying to hide it, he has no respect for you or your marriage and thinks you’re never going to leave him.
You know what you have to do, you know you have to leave him. Rip the bandaid off and call a lawyer, you deserve better OP, and I promise you there are other men in the world who **will** treat you with respect and not cheat on you, they exist I promise.
One of my favorites lines in literature is from Jane Eyre, “I must respect myself”, respect yourself OP.
If you don't already, it's just a matter of time before you start resenting him . Then you'll realize that he's just not worth all the bs anymore . Good luck OP . But you don't need the lying POS in your life .NTA
He is cheating you again. I've been cheated on so many times, both before AND after my husband. "It's a family friend" "snatches his phone up" "locked me out of it"... all common signs of cheating. And if he's doing it a second time, he'll do it a third, and then a fourth, and so on. Here's what you should do. Be mad and cold toward him. On one of your lunch breaks call around to divorce attorneys for rates and such some might even give a free consult. Continue to be how you are toward him. Once divorce is filed he will be served with papers. On the day or day before its filed pack up you and your kids stuff and leave. Even if you have to stay in a hotel or something for a few days, or until you find somewhere else. Which you can also be utilizing this time frame to find another place. But make sure y'all are not in the house when he is served.
It’s obvious he doesn’t respect the marriage or your feelings. The bigger question is why do you put up with this, and for so many years? I would get my ducks in a row quietly, see a lawyer, and then get away from him.
Be done with him. I have no doubt that he's cheating and even if he's not inserting his punishment in anyone else's vagina, he's emotionally cheating.
He has no respect for you.
You have every reason to hate him.
He is cheating on you again. Those are all classic signs. Has he started wearing different clothes, going out for sully reasons?
You forgave him the first time and whilst I know sometimes that is enough, there are more often than not times when the partner sees that as permission to do it again.
Also and I am sorry for this, he has been doing this for a while.
I saw a quote- She didn’t take your man- she took your problem…
you are better off without this guy- he is clearly hiding something. Because he has already cheated you have MOrE of a right not to trust him and to question him.
if he is a cheater- move on, and let him be her problem, and get a good lawyer so you and the kids are financially are taken care of
I can’t imagine one single reason why you would want to stay with this person… They are giving you every indication that your feelings don’t matter.
Just be sure to take your time and put all your affairs in order before you give any indication about separating or divorcing.
Meet with a lawyer to make sure that you can adequately protect yourself financially and so that you have things in place to make sure that your accounts are set up correctly and that Financial support for you and the kids is coming in the transition as well .
Do not let him know that you were leaving him until all your affairs are in order and until then take your space from him as much as possible… He is toxic .
And you deserve better .
I am a man who is in a 15 year marriage, my wife can have my phone whenever she pleases, she knows my code and it is the same for her. Your husband is hiding something, is constantly deflecting, and has already proven his disloyalty. If the relationship is no longer working, or if one side is no longer working as part of the team, then you need to put yourself first.
Personally I wouldn't stand for what you are going through.
This is complicated, and simply just getting a lawyer and getting a divorce while in this headspace is going to tear you down. You have to somehow find the motivation to start doing some things for you. Hanging out with friends, going to the gym/exercising/group fitness, change your eating habits if they’re not healthy. Do whatever you can to build up your confidence, to feel empowered AND THEN leave. There is no coming back from this, there is no respect or admiration left, he can’t even communicate with you. It’s definitely time to move on but I’d try give yourself the absolute best chance of doing so!
Your life and your kids life will be better with a happy mom. You're already doing it on your own you don't need this man child to add to your difficulties. Lead by example and show your kids what a healthy relationship should look like. You're not wrong. Start making you and your happiness a priority. Your kids will be better for it.
Maybe its a generational thing because I am a bit older than OP, but I have no issue handing my phone over to my wife or anyone. I know some younger people have said even if they aren't hiding anything their phone is very private and akin to a diary or journal. Sadly, it sounds like your hubby is hiding something.
You need to get screenshots of any and all indiscretion. Evidence is very important. Don't confront him, let him hang himself. Take care of your business and separate financially as much as you can. Save up money to get out, tell him you're leaving and why, be sure you save that evidence and that you have a lawyer when you do it. Work on their advice. As painful as it is, you really have to come to terms with the fact he's cheating. Figure out a way to get that evidence and take care of yourself. My heart breaks for you and your kids, you all deserve more than this. Wishing you the best in spite of this utter shitshow.
I really feel like I could have wrote this because my ex husband did this to me (among other things) but he was notorious for cheating, lying about it and gaslighting.
You always knew deep down your husband was cheating but his classic gaslighting and making you feel paranoid and insecure about yourself is a trauma bond that gets you to stay. It’s normal once your feelings have been confirmed, that you start to withdrawal physically and emotionally. As you should because he broke your trust and your love. Just don’t stay with him, get your stuff together, get divorce papers and leave. If you stay and your kids witness his behavior what message or you teaching them by staying?
I know you said he challenged you to leave before but you let it go, again it’s a ploy to play on your insecurities to think you’re crazy and maybe making a mountain out of a mole hill. He doesn’t want you to go, because divorce can be messy and expensive. By staying you’re not making him be accountable for his actions. He knows he can cheat to his hearts content because you’ll never leave
Unless it's around birthdays or a special holiday where potential plans could be spoiled, there is no reason to be dodgy about phones unless something is going on. Regardless if any true contact has occurred, it means there are conversations, images, etc that he doesn't want you to see. Being a guy, I hate to throw him under the bus, but this is fact. He knows you would be disappointed if you saw what was on there, or start asking questions about it, like the "family friend you never met" - which by the, he cheated with one of those already according to your statement above. So that's not encouraging at all. If I had to bet on it, I'd say he is in fact, at the very least, conversing with another woman that he has some sort of lust for, and is hoping it pans out for him.
Leave him, but consult with an attorney FIRST before you tell him anything to make sure you've got your ducks in a row and he can't pull any fast ones. He's definitely cheating.
Me and my wife trust each other in a healthy relationship. It would never cross my mind to be protective of my phone in any way, nor would she ever be protective of hers. We share phones all the time for a million things and I can honestly say I'd never think twice about it. We can also both easily unlock each other's phones for things like emergencies (what if we're in a car accident or I need to call her doctor for something, etc.) and always have been able to.
If she was suddenly defensive about her phone in the way your husband is, it would be a major red flag.
Take that for what it's worth from a happily married guy who would never cheat on his wife.
Sweetie , I have been married for over 35 years to good man . He would never do that to me . Your man may not be screwing those girls , but he wants to and would if they would let him . He has shown his true colors over and over . Dump him , baby .
A little rule I live by, I never check my wife’s phone but if I got to the point to where I felt I had to then the relationship is already over and it’s time to cut the cord. Don’t pull that woman card and emotionally break up before you actually break up, just get your divorce and walk away
He's no good and a sneaky/sleazy troublemaker. Before you leave, try and collect some evidence of his cheating to make things easier on yourself later on. If you own your house, check with a lawyer to see if you could leave without forfeiting the rights to it.
If you’re emotionally checking out you may as well physically check out too. He’s a cheater and a liar. You don’t trust him (rightfully) and don’t particularly like him (also rightfully) Why stay and put up with his nonsense? Go be happy or at least have peace of mind not worrying about what he’s up to.
You're being cucked. He's screwing someone else, you know he is, but you're not trying to stop it. You're just sitting around letting him. Tell him to f-off. He doesnt love or respect you. And he apparently hasn't for a very long time.
It doesn't really matter if he's cheating on you, you're already treating him like he is so the relationship isn't working for either of you. Imagine for a second he *isn't* being unfaithful, would *you* want to be in a relationship with someone that treats you the way you treat him? Which isn't to say he isn't cheating, he might be, but in a healthy relationship you wouldn't care what his wallpaper was, or who was texting him on WhatsApp. You *could* work on the relationship, you on your trust issues and him on his trustworthiness, but if that was going to happen it likely already would have over the eight years you've been together. So either agree to see a counselor and work on these problems, a drastic change to how you've tried to work them out (destructively) yourselves, or agree that you would be happier apart and start the difficult (but perhaps less difficult than what you're doing now) process of separating.
He’s cheatihg on you and, I’m sorry. And, I’m sorry for all the commenters telling you you’re embarrassing yourself. I know it’s hard. You’re the breadwinner and, you said it yourself you’re starting to hate him. Leave him.
To the OP:
You already resent your husband for various reasons, and it also sounds like you don't trust him for various reasons as well.
It's time to cut your losses, officially end the marriage, and begin the process of moving on.
The longer this drags out, the more emotional wreckage there will be for all involved, including your two children.
Good luck, ma'am.
OMFG you should have left seven years ago. Your husband is an absolute asshole you have every right to feel hatred towards him. You value your marriage and family and he treats it like disposable garbage. Collect evidence. Even if it means playing nice to make him feel comfortable. Take notes and collect evidence. Make sure you know all the finances.
When you start emotionally separating from H please try your best to do so in a way that will be a good role model for your children. Teach them how to amicably end a relationship if you can. Avoid acting on the feelings of hate in ways you would rather not have the children see and act out. I realize this is a weird ask but don’t let the teaching opportunity slip.
Don't stick around for the kids. Kids who grow up with miserable parents who hate each other have it far worse emotionally and mentally than kids with separated parents who share custody. All the signs are clear as glass, the guy is cheating again. Secretive phone behaviour, girls calling him baby, rejecting calls from women when you're around. If it were innocent, none of this would be happening. Don't stay and be miserable, it's only going to hurt everyone, kids included.
Tbh demanding a certain phone wallpaper strikes me as a bit wild and controlling, and could naturally push a partner further away.
I have never cared to have free access or snoop in a significant others' phone. I haven't felt the need to bc ample trust to be fair. But insistent phone meddling/micromanagement would bother me bc damn I deserve some privacy, like w reddit or my google search history or chargpt asks, despite having nothing to hide relationship-wise.
People have different expectations, but, yeah if there isn't basic trust without going thru the phone at all, maybe not best situation.
That said, once actual humans are brought into the world, I think they deserve 2 parents and the marriage should be worked on to the maximum extent. Tbh single parenting isn't not detrimental to children, thats just the science unfortunately.
Please let him go. I was you and I stayed way too long. It’s going to be hard getting over him but once you do you will see what we all see just reading your post. He doesn’t value you and you have lost yourself in his selfish madness.
Honey, my husband and I have been married for 25 yrs. together for almost 28, our phones are always laying around the house at anytime either of us can look at the others. We both have the same passwords, we answer each other's phone if need be and texts as well. If he is being weird with his phone and is defensive, I'm willing to bet he has something to hide. Don't put up with cheating for yourself and your children ( not a good example for them). Sit down and have a serious talk, demand the truth and respect and move on if necessary. You and your children will be happier in a less stressed home. Remember you deserve love and respect. Good luck.
HE. IS. DEFINITELY. CHEATING. Probably with multiple women. And he is definitely being evasive purposefully. And he definitely clearly doesn’t care to have a healthy relationship with you. And this is definitely a big deal and you are definitely right to be extremely concerned.
Please GTFO of that relationship. He is not a good person and he is not deserving of you AT ALL. And his behavior indicates he is likely unsalvageable, so you’re just wasting your life the longer you hesitate or doubt your instincts.
For gods sake, please get some self respect! You know what he is doing, you know he is cheating, why are you turning a blind eye? Please do not humiliate yourself even more by putting up with this.
WHAT YOU ALLOW IS WHAT WILL CONTINUE
Please call a lawyer, lock down your finances and reach out to your physician to get an STD panel.
Come on. You know he's cheating on you. What are you waiting on? It seems like you're in denial because you don't want to take action. But you know he is cheating and you know he's going to keep cheating.
You know the answer, you’re still coming to terms with it.
He’s cheating again, if not physically then emotionally. He keeps giving you lame excuses as to why you can’t get in his phone and you want to believe it.
Having two kids doesn’t change the answer that he’s cheating.
You have two choices - stay, but I’d consider letting the phone issue go because he’s not going to change and your best bet is living in ignorance. Or you can leave.
The kind of relationship you want isn’t going to be possible with him.
At this point, is the relationship a net positive in terms of money and labor? Can you emotionally distance yourself from him and have a low-conflict relationship?
If he pulls his weight it might be worthwhile to keep him around for a while as a roommate kind of thing.
Otherwise, you are probably better off without him. If it’s too upsetting to be around him all the time, cut your losses and preserve your peace.
Sorry you’re going through this.
Girl, you know the answer to all of your questions and they begin and end with a divorce attorney.
Go now and save yourself another moment of worrying about this serial cheater cause you know damn well that he's cheating.
Sounds like you're the bread winner too so, make sure you get your money on LOCKDOWN before even giving him a Hint that You're thinking divorce again. This ain't the Hallmark channel, women have died for even mentioning divorce, much less if they are the one with the money and he ain't willing to let that bag go.
Lock it down, make a plan, and take EVERYTHING. Before he even suspects a thing.
On the way out the door to a place that he now has to pay YOU for (or your share of it) tell him that you've got herpes and slam the door. Let that fool worry about which one of his side chicks he got it from to give it to you. Especially fun if you DON'T really have it.
This is what happens when you reconcile. Yes it’s always hard to be lied to cheated on and financially destroyed. But you might as well get it over with the first time you catch a cheater. Because it’s going to happen again. Cheaters cheat, liars lie, and once a cheater always a cheater are all true. I’m sorry he has proven that yet again for you.
The best time to divorce a cheater is the minute you catch them. The second best time is right now. Time to lawyer up and send him down the road.
He is cheating or emotionally cheating. Everyone so quick to say leave like its so easy so i dont know if u should leave or not and no one on this app does either only you. But if u stay u need to accept that his eyes wander and probably always will. I think you are totally justified to walk away if thats what you want.
Divorce is up to you but if y'all do split don't leave the home. Kick him out instead. Even if his name is on the lease/deed or it's completely all in his name, you stay put and he leaves. Depending on how ugly a divorce gets there are some cases where the person who stayed in the home gets better control of assets.
Hes gaslighting big time. He got away with cheating once. So he never stopped. ..emotionally separate. No. Physically separate. Kick him out. Now. You and the kids deserve so much better. Straight to lawyer, stat. Tell usband nothing. He thinks he has worn you down.us Redditors send you strength. You CAN do this. YOU ARE ENOUGH.HE IS NOT.all the best. Keep us informed.
With great, quiet satisfaction contact a lawyer and ask advice. Don't leave him in the house, he'll never leave. He thinks you're weak or dumb. Start saving money and limiting what he can use. We all know things are getting more expensive, at least those of us that buy them. Start thinking about the time you can focus on your kids and not spend thinking about him. He's certainly not thinking about you. He may think he's a real catch and say he doesn't care-but paying child support will assure he's a deadbeat date. No one wants a man that can't afford his own children. Or that doesn't work while you do.
I would 100% say he's cheating. Do you want or need proof? You can buy spyware that tracks his location and every keystroke, you don't even need his passcode. It's a negative journey, I don't really recommend it.
I will say no one under the age of 60 is going to shame or judge you for being divorced/single, it doesn't happen much. At least half of your kids friends will be from divorced families too-we've figured out how to do it civilly. The sooner you split the sooner, the sooner you can stop wasting time, money and emotions. Oh, and once you find him out, he will do the nice routine again. He's really not trustwothy.
Cheaters never stop cheating. We find ways to gaslight, manipulate and deceive. We don't care about your feelings or family or losing anything because there's always going to be someone else. We're never satisfied with what we have because we're always looking for the next thrill. Your husband has already moved on emotionally and I wouldn't doubt it if he's causing financial problems for you while trying to impress his new toy.
You are wasting your time trying to keep him faithful. Weigh your options and act accordingly.
Consult a lawyer and begin divorce. Time to live your life away from this toxic mess. Don’t leave the home before consulting a lawyer so it can’t be used against you. And talk to lawyer about separating finances so he can’t use your money for his half of the divorce proceeding.
I would say to get a divorce but I'm not gonna lie to yall, it's rough on one income in this economy when the price of rent and groceries are like it is. I got divorced. I really wish at this point we could have made it work as a financially beneficial situation whilst we went on our own lives. But obviously it doesn't work that way. I truly believe marriage makes women blind to the reality of the faults of the man in front of them. Trust me, he will not care if you want a divorce one way or the other. Too much thinking for people like him.
The strong likelihood is that he is having an affair. Redditers dont need to tell you, you've lived through this once already.
You have 2 options here, you can allow him to blindside you and be the one making the call on when he leaves with the new woman. Or you can be on the front foot and be prepared and exit when it suits you. By the sounds of things, it might be nice for you to be the one calling the shots this time around. If he is hiding his phone, then he is doing something that needs to be hidden. Full stop. At your stage in life do you really need to put up with this again?
Plan and prepare for your exit. You are the higer earner and contributor to the household so you are in a good position.
This isnt time to bury your head in the sand, as soul crushing as this is, you dont have the luxury of crumbling now. See a lawyer and seek advice on your best next steps. Start putting away money in a separate location where he doesnt have access to it and you should be able to demonstrate that you are the primary breadwinner so you will be eligible for a larger cut when assets are divided. Keep paperwork for everything. Please note that any money you save or accrue in a bank account during the course of a marriage may be considered a marital asset and divided. I would definitely be keeping that money somewhere else where he can't access it and spend it on his mistress.
Having good legal advice is fundamentally important here, as depending where you are there may be better procedures to protect yourself.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Its time you started thinking about you, forget this man. He doesnt deserve any more of your life. You are better off with a pet that is happy to see you when you get home and a nice circle of friends than supporting a disloyal bastard that takes from you.
I am so sorry this is happening but you can chose to let this crush you or you can put your foot down this time, decide you deserve better and get yours! I suggest the latter.
Please remember, someone elses disgusting behaviour is a reflection of THEIR lack of character, morals and value as a human being, NOT yours. Dont blame yourself for someone else being less than a man.
Keep us updated.
The mere fact you feel the need to even grab his phone to go through it, tells you everything you need to know.
You don't trust your own partner, you can't have a healthy relationship with someone you don't trust. More importantly based on his behavior and his previous infidelity it sounds like you have very good reasons to not trust him.
You've been married 8 years. How do is there still "family friends" in his life that you haven't met? Even if he was telling the truth(he isn't) that still huge red flags in of itself because clearly he doesn't value you or care about you his own wife enough to introduce or talk to you about people he cares enough about to regularly interact with.
He's cheating.
Again. And if he’s not cheating, he will be soon.
He never stopped cheating.
He got better at hiding it for a little while, and now he's not even bothering to hide it even remotely. Female 'friends' calling him baby? Changing the background picture on his phone so it's not of her and telling her to walk away if she chooses because he's not changing it? Female names the wife doesn't know calling and then immediately sending a WhatsApp? He's stopped even attempting to hide his cheating. Next thing you know you'll find another woman's underwear in his car and he'll be like "Oh I gave a coworker a ride home, must be hers" or some other equally obvious situation. My money is on the fact that he doesn't want to go through the effort of ending the marriage, so he's getting more and more blatant with his cheating until she finally does it for him.
Some guys just don’t want to be perceived as the bad guy, and they make you out to be the bitch that ends it.
Especially if she can't get actual evidence of cheating. If she breaks up with him because of his behaviour here, she'll just be the "bitch who broke up their family because she's paranoid", even though it's patently obvious to everybody that he's cheating. He'll take tiny bits of this story out of context to tell people - that she threw the shits over his phone background, and got upset when he changed his phone password, and refused to let him have any female friends. It's just that all of these things exist in context, and that context is that he's clearly cheating.
This. He's setting the stage to make her "the crazy ex."
He's definitely playing dumb even when he's caught red-handed And I'm sorry to say this OP, but any man in a committed monogamous relationship who is helping women that call him, "baby", "pick out outfits" is definitely cheating on you. Once there were no immediate consequences when you found out about that obvious example of infidelity he got cocky and started using your fear of finding out he was cheating again against you unfortunately. Please don't let yourself be used like this anymore for your own mental health and dignity. You are deserving of love and respect, and while it is possible for a marriage to survive cheating in rare cases when both people are willing to work their butts off together to make it work, your husband has shown you unforgivable disrespect by taking the second chance you gave him and spitting on it. That's not love, or respect. You don't need to see anymore messages from strange women to know he's being unfaithful, and it sounds like it's with multiple women if I understood your post correctly. Don't play his, "catch me if you can" game. Quietly find a divorce lawyer, and some place safe to go. I'm also so sorry to have to say this, but if you have been intimate with him since the first time he cheated you should get a full STD panel to check and make sure everything is okay. I'm really sorry this is happening, and I'm sending invisible hugs your way. Please take care of yourself.
Yes to all of this.
OP this 👆is the best advise!! The best part of that advise is “QUIETLY GET A LAWYER.” He’s sneaking around, you should too. Not by cheating, but by squirreling away $$. Make sure YOUR credit cards are paid, so they’re available for emergency back up, and honestly, maybe you can be the bitch he’s making you out to be, and use your joint finances to pay for said lawyer. DO NOT stay for the kids. Every adult child who experienced that, wishes their parents had separated, rather than being forced to live in a toxic, phony, unhappy home. Remember children have NO power. You are making a decision for yourself and them. Seriously look at them, do they deserve this? Would you want them growing up and emulating your husband, or you, if you choose to stay? Can you imagine advising your daughter to stay in a relationship like yours? Or condoning and praising your son for behaving like your husband is? Get your personal affairs in order, and embrace that you’ll be seen as the bad guy by some, but they don’t know the whole truth, and if they do fuck them, their opinions don’t matter. Grow loving,strong,compassionate, and caring children. You aren’t doing that now. You are damaging more than yourself. Keep emotionally separating, and protecting yourself. You’ve tried discussing this with him. Quit trying to talk to him. Quit trying to work it out,or figure it out. Just quit trying for this relationship! He’s checked out and refuses to try. He’s obviously working on a back up plan for your marriage! Stay until you have all the intricacies of YOUR back up plan in place. Then, pack your valuables, leave the divorce papers on the counter, and leave.
Yes this exactly. Quietly getting the lawyer and STD check to be safe. Great suggestions.
My ex.
100%. I found blatant evidence of cheating on my ex husbands phone and when I confronted him about it, the conversation was so completely gaslit that I ended up apologizing to HIM for going through his phone and for being paranoid, and to this day he tells people we divorced because I am untrustworthy and violated his privacy. Oh, and he was engaged to the other woman 6 weeks later.
My ex did this… So I ended it. Ironically, not a soul questioned why.
Question: Do you need evidence of the cheating to help in the divorce settlement?
This is a fun fact that you may not know: in the Bible Belt, some states still have a law called “Alienation of Affection” where if you have proof of the cheating AND you can actually prove that the other party (not the partner but the one they are cheating with) knew that they were married, you can sue that person for alienation of your spouses affection and essentially receive alimony from that person as well. It’s an incredibly dated thing and I don’t at all agree with it, but it is real and people use it.
Seems like a fitting punishment for being an awful human being, and I bet is difficult to prove you knew she was married, but that is pretty crazy.
Depends what state - but in CA or NY - no
Usually it is an open secret and the cheated-on spouse is the last to either know or accept the truth.
Men love to project their bs onto us
Agreed, he is hiding his hand to save face and still ' the grewt guy who tried so hard ri make it work."He was willing to let her leave their marriage over chsnging a phone background. The easiest thing to do in the world to ease your life partner's mind and soul. He doesn't care and maybe never has at all. What a selfish prick. Op and those kids deserve better. He just doesnt want to be known/seen as a cheater. But he is both a liar and a cheater, and weak as hell. I hope OP divorces and cleans him out then rides off into the sunset with her kids, happy af and free from a liar and. A serial cheater, and all around shit example for his own kids.
> he told me I can walk away if I choose This is it, the end.
The fact he was so blase about pulling this card over phone privacy means he’s already checked out. Sorry- but your marriage is already over in his head. Good luck to you in all this 💗
Yes. My abusive partner used to tell me whenever I’d try to talk about issues or share feelings and troubles to try and work out together. It was always “well there’s the door if you don’t like it”. Out of all the alarming and shady behaviors read in this story… that line stuck out to me the most.
it appears to me that she is probably earning, or at least paying, most of the finances. No doubt doing most of the household chores/mental load. He doesn't want to give up hiseasy ride.
OP, this seems spot on in my eyes. Look into if your state is an at fault state and sue him/them if possible. Make him pay you for the next 20 years. Your Marriage ending sucks, but you don’t have to lose completely.
To me it sounds like the bum doesn’t even work
My ex didn't outright cheat on me, but he would do similar shit. His defence was always that he wasn't technically doing anything, well except flirting with his female friends and entertaining girls who had crushes on him. It stressed me the fuck out and made me paranoid. At one point, my friend told me, "It's not like you to be this insecure girlfriend who's constantly asking who he's texting, trying to check his phone, constantly worrying what he's doing while he's not with you." It kinda snapped me back to reality. I didn't have proof that he physically cheated, but I found his behaviour with other women (calling them baby, flirting in front of me, similar to OP) disrespectful enough. I got fed up with feeling insecure, so I broke it off. Well, of course, he was surprised that I ended it and tried to argue that he didn't break any rules cause he didn't physically do anything. I didn't have proof after all. He knew he was hurting me though and didn't care as long as he got someone's attention. Don't waste your time, OP. I wasted so much time trying to figure out whether I'm being paranoid or trying to figure out whether anything physical is happening while simultaneously worrying that I'm acting like a crazy girlfriend. Don't wait to find another woman's underwear in his car. There are crazy women out there, but if you're a normally secure person and this dude is leaving you feeling paranoid and insecure and he doesn't want to do anything to change it, fuck him. The shit he's doing is disrespectful and he doesn't give a fuck that its hurting you
My ex did this. I thought I was going mad when he shrugged off all the things I came across. When it came out, I realised it was a trail of croutons, designed to get me to kick him out. However, I was 7 months pregnant with our 3rd child, and I was adamant that he had to choose to leave the family. He was not going to say I kicked him out.
She said she’s now carrying the financial load, so my money is on the fact that he knows he can’t support himself. My guess is he would be even more blatant if he thought he could afford to be on his own. He’s definitely cheating. Phone secrecy is one of the top indicators. Female contacts that he passes off as family friends showing up is the nail in the coffin. The fact that he’s done it before only supports the fact. Cheating is abusive. Using her financially, while he carries on other relationships, is doubly abusive. Lying to her is abusive. OP, if you read this, just know that you’ve got enough proof. You don’t have to catch him in bed, or listen to his lies. Take your income and run.
Right. I didn't have bread more than the first sentence to come to that conclusion. There's only 2 things that makes a person panic if their partner has their phone-photos and texts that indicate cheating.
This. All day long, this.
Emotionally cheating?
Yeah, it sounds like it’s at that stage at least
She already knows this. She’s just is in a sort of denial apparently.
He is definitely cheating.
Most def. Once a cheater, always one. I'm sorry OP.
I mean he said to go ahead and walk away and she stayed….
[удалено]
The trust is gone. This isn't a marriage. Check in with a lawyer. Kids will pick up on issues.
People stay for the kids, but you’re doing more damage. Would you want your kid’s to stay just because they have kids, or do you want them to be happy? Children learn what they live. They’ll see the completely unhappy relationship and think it’s normal. Chances are that’s the kind of relationship they’ll choose. Show them you can be happy in a relationship or alone. Show them the life you want them to have. They see more than you think. Don’t teach them to stay while being cheated on.
I agree!!! My mother stayed with my dad for my siblings. It’s a mistake. OP Years from now you’ll be happy with life instead of wishing what if you did leave. It’s also important to show your kids, you know your worth. Also therapy!! You can regain confidence and self love ❤️
I left and a year later I feel so happy alone. Divorcing was the best for us
Absolutely this, I ended my marriage 8 years ago and now my children get to see their mum about to marry a top guy and me happily single. They can see the options and how a good relationship should work
Consult with attorney. Ask about packing his stuff and have it delivered to his work or a relatives place. You don't leave....he should.
And, if you have joint accounts, close them and open a new account in your name. My husband kept taking cash advances on our credit cards. I found $16k in a locked cabinet, and "we" were always broke. I reported all of the credit cards stolen and closed them so he couldn't keep increasing the balances. We had 2 children. He told them I was cheating on him.
It sounds like OP wants this marriage more than her husband. He literally said it doesn't matter to him if you stay or leave. Maybe he is saving face to his family and doesn't want to initiate the divorce but it seems he is low key asking for it.
More than just pick up on issues, it will normalize that dynamic as how intimate relationships function
Leave him. You’re embarrassing yourself at this point. Salvage what dignity you have left and leave.
If he dismissively says “fine, leave” just because of a boundary, It doesn’t even sound salvageable.
Do not leave- force him to- have your attorney involved- but often- you need to stay to get any portion of the home
Depends on the state. I’m a lawyer. In California, if she stays in the family home, and he leaves, she owes him half the monthly fair market rental value of the home (minus his half responsibility for expenses like mortgage, insurance and taxes). She really needs to talk to a local family law attorney. The marriage seems beyond repair. I get it. I stayed with a cheater who promised not to cheat again. I loved her and loved my kids and didn’t want them to be children of divorce. But then a few years later she did it again. Rinse, repeat. The third time, my son was in college and my daughter had just started high school. But I was done. I knew I could tell my kids that I had already gone above and beyond for the family. My self respect wouldn’t allow a third chance and, frankly, she was ready to move on at that point with the other guy (a very wealthy lawyer). But my kids love me and know how devoted I was. I encouraged them to stay connected with their mom, but they still resent her and favor me. I tell them she was a bad wife but a good mother, but they tell me she never cared as much as I did and wouldn’t have cheated if she cared about the family. I was good looking, never cheated, didn’t have any substance abuse problems, never laid a finger on her in anger, and devoted myself to fun family experiences. But she wanted more. More money (her affairs were with rich guys). Even though we lived in a home overlooking the ocean in Santa Barbara County. It’s been 8 years and last year was the first year I could be civil to her. Ironically, after moving in with the last guy she cheated on me with, he cheated on her. As Taylor says “Karma”.
That sounds rough. Sorry you went through that
Is your name George Conway? Lol. I get you. Leave no stone unturned in helping your marriage and family stay together for the kids sake. But when they notice, it’s time to go, to show them how to make the very hardest of decisions and trust their instincts. They will utilize it, for sure. Good that you tell them to keep in touch with their mom to keep that lesson fresh.
I like how you point out that leaving when it’s time to go is actually a very valuable lesson for kids as well regarding self respect and trusting one’s instincts. Of course, as you said, after all efforts are exhausted.
I’m sorry you went through this hardship but so glad your kids have you.
This right here.
Yes see an attorney NOW
A relationship can recover from a lot of things if they both want it, but contempt is not one of them, and that's what he seems to be expressing towards her. Get out of there.
Very well said, tubbsfox.
"put me n the kids as your background" really isn't a boundary.... 😂😂 Still leave but that statement made no sense
It's not a boundary, but I guess they're saying more like "My partner has to present himself as married to the outside world" is a boundary, which I think still isn't necessarily, but it's closer.
I legit am not sure what my husband of 14 years' background is. 🤷♀️
My husband has had the same Lock Screen wallpaper since 2012 when I met him. I’m not even sure what it is but I know what color it is.
I wasn’t speaking on that specific comment being the boundary. More generally about her wanting him to be less secretive in general.
Seriously. The marriage has been over. Of course she hates him
Yeah, after the first time he was caught, there should have been a clear agreement/ understanding that OP should have free and open access to his devices at any time. No questions asked. Edit: this would have to be mutual of course
😂😂😂😂 especially if you're picking up the financial load.
And take him to the cleaners if possible
He’s back to his cheating again, sorry but the trust is not there and he is being a dodgy fucker
Yeah it's embarrassing at this point there are so many red flags I could barely read the post. She already knows in her heart it's been over for a long time but for some reason she refuses to get that info to her brain and start making some good choices for herself.
It's so clear he's cheating it would almost be comical if it wasn't incredibly sad.
You are not wrong. However, I would take it one step further and physically separate as well as emotionally. He is basically being unfaithful right in front of your eyes. If he cared about your relationship and your growth past his infidelity, he would be understanding why you question his messages/lock screen/password changing. I also think it’s a huge issue that he told you you could leave him if you want. He is not willing to fight for this relationship or correct his behavior. And he most likely thinks you will never leave since you’ve given him several chances by now. It’s time to want better for yourself and for your kids. Your kids don’t deserve to grow up in a home where mom and dad are miserable.
Not only physically separate, but financially separate. You need to protect yourself.
I’d say financial separation comes first. Especially for a woman who’ll have to shoulder two kids, potentially by herself. Get a new bank account, switch your direct deposit, start saving every penny that can be saved. Divorce is costly.
She could separate it probably would be cheaper than divorce. Do most us states in force child support, In Canada it's based on income. She should go see a lawyer about options.
I read “I let it go” a lot in your post. If you don’t respect yourself, he won’t either. Stop letting things go. Just leave. But fix whatever is leading you to put up with this shit or you will just do the same with the next jerk.
Agreed.
Exactly, people will only respect you in life as much as you respect yourself...
Yikes. Lots of gaslighting going on here. “We have bigger issues than who I’m talking to” is quite the diversion. I’m equally as concerned about how dismissive he is with you as the chance of him cheating again. I would familiarize yourself with Dr. Ramani’s [videos](https://youtube.com/@DoctorRamani?si=BwhD0v6AHOqbEv6M). My wife and I have an open policy with all things technology and social media. As long as you’re respectful, it should be fine for you to be able to go into it. He lost some privacy rights when he had an affair! He’s not willing to fight yo keep you, tells you all you need to know about how much he values you. I’d call his bluff and get out now.
"We have bigger issues than who I'm talking to" is such a disrespectful statement! It minimizes your legitimate concerns and also implies that whatever "bigger issues" the two of you have somehow make his cheating irrelevant. Gaslighting and dismissive! LEAVE HIM.
Cheaters don't change, they get better at hiding it.
Except he’s really not hiding it at all at this point
Because she's shown that she's willing to be walked on, despite his awful red flags. A cheater never changes. People don't change unless forced to.
I would hate your husband, too. He's still cheating, and he sucks. I've had 3 guy friends since I was a teenager, and we've never referred to each other as "baby," and do you know why? Because we're actually just friends. 👀 My husband and I have complete access to all devices at all times because neither of us has anything to hide. Either you dump him or live the rest of your life in misery and hope that he doesn't get another woman pregnant.
Same. Wife and I have access to all each others stuff. Neither of us have anything to hide and it would be very fishy if that changed.
Why do you hate yourself so much that you would allow this to happen to you ? Don't you think you deserve better ?
This comment really made me examine my own shit and damn, I’ve deserved better for so long… gonna have to change some things in my life… starting with me
Wishing you the best 🤍🤍 you're right, you deserve better 🤍
I'm glad that you realize you deserver because you do . I wish you the best
So he cheated on you again and what's your next step? Hating him only? Or plan to leave him? What do you want to do
Great advice. If you're gonna stay, forgive and move on. If you're going to leave him, get your shit in order to do so effectively.
That isn’t forgiving. That’s turning a blind eye and letting him have a side chick. That’s being a doormat.
This
Your kids deserve a better father than the lying cheating person who lives with you. YOU deserve someone who is not a constant threat to your emotions. I’m really happy you are emotionally separating yourself.
>YOU deserve someone who is not a constant threat to your emotions and your sexual health. Some STIs/STDs are forever.
How many ways does this man have to tell you he doesn't want to be with you. he's a loser.
Have some self respect and leave. He broke your trust years ago, you are enabling his shit at this point. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.
He's at it 💯.
something tells me your gut instincts are in 100% working order/condition.
This guy is playing you.
Leave! You already want to go, if you are asking internet strangers for validation, you have it. He is clearly cheating on you while allowing you to carry the financial burden of the family. Move on.
He’s even using the same excuses.
IKR. He's not even smart enough to be more creative.
He doesn’t need to be more creative, op’s still there putting up with all his crap. She’s letting him make a fool of her.
“They call him baby”…those are not friends. Honestly, this will eat up at you because deep down you know you should have left back then. Consult a lawyer
He’s already proven to not be trusted. He should’ve been more than grateful for getting a second chance and yet he’s protecting his phone?!.. He may not be cheating, but one thing you do KNOW for certain is his consideration for you is non-existent, especially being aware of his track record. I’m really sorry but you deserve better and he deserves to be alone. Good luck
It's time to leave. You don't love him anymore and it's obvious he doesn't love you because he keeps putting you through the same shit that almost broke y'all's marriage the first time. He won't know the good thing he had until it's gone
He's a snake. I'm sorry. :/
How dare you. Snakes are adorable and noble creatures.
Animals are innocent 🎶
🐍 Thankssssss
You need to continue emotionally separating yourself from your husband and seek out an attorney as you prepare for a divorce. Face it, your husband is not into your marriage. He's more interested in all of his female "family" friends and has been trying his best to hide that from you (and doing a lousy job at that!).
Even if he isn't cheating he sounds a bit overly familiar with other women and is hiding it, so its emotional cheating at the very least. He isn't showing much respect to you - you are communicating with him about the phone secrecy etc and he is ignoring and belittling you for it. If he hadn't cheated previously and this behaviour was happening, I would say try counselling so he can learn about showing proper respect and why its important etc. But since he has cheated and almost lost you as a result, he should have learnt all about respecting you and the marriage around that time. He clearly hasn't so it's unlikely he is going to start respecting you OP. Time to leave him. I predict he will play it cool at first and then panic once he realises you are really gone. He doesn't respect you so it's going to come as a shock when you show some backbone and close the door on him for good. People like him also don't normally respect themselves - he sounds like a (pathetic) bad egg.
Trust your gut. He cheated... he should be reassuring you for life and not blow you off.
Stop concentrating on his phone. You know what‘s on it. Leave.
Once the trust is gone so is the relationship, I have several friends that are female and my wife knows that, not once have I ever helped them pick out an outfit that's far too personal and something a partner of other girlfriends do
Honestly ask yourself this: is this someone I want my kids to look up to? Is this the role model I want them to have? Are you happy? Having kids with someone is one thing but choosing to raise ur family with them after finding out about their constant infidelity is another. At the end of the day, it’s ur life and u make the decision but it seems like deep down you already know what you want.
This is embarrassing for you. He is not acting how someone in love behaves. Having to MAKE my husband give me his password and *change his phone background*?!?! Girl no. This isn't high school. Suck it up, stop settling, and do what you gotta do. He's not going to change, he doesn't even *want* to.
At this point you're doing it to yourself.
He’s definitely up to something. If he has nothing to hide he wouldn’t be so defensive about it. I’d start making a plan for your departure. He isn’t taking your concerns seriously and keeps disregarding your frustrations. A man who loves you, wouldn’t do that to you. Good luck.
The writing is on the wall, he’s cheating again, he’s even using the same excuse he used last time, calling the affair partner a “family friend”, which means he cares so little about you that he’s barely trying to hide it, he has no respect for you or your marriage and thinks you’re never going to leave him. You know what you have to do, you know you have to leave him. Rip the bandaid off and call a lawyer, you deserve better OP, and I promise you there are other men in the world who **will** treat you with respect and not cheat on you, they exist I promise. One of my favorites lines in literature is from Jane Eyre, “I must respect myself”, respect yourself OP.
If you don't already, it's just a matter of time before you start resenting him . Then you'll realize that he's just not worth all the bs anymore . Good luck OP . But you don't need the lying POS in your life .NTA
He is cheating you again. I've been cheated on so many times, both before AND after my husband. "It's a family friend" "snatches his phone up" "locked me out of it"... all common signs of cheating. And if he's doing it a second time, he'll do it a third, and then a fourth, and so on. Here's what you should do. Be mad and cold toward him. On one of your lunch breaks call around to divorce attorneys for rates and such some might even give a free consult. Continue to be how you are toward him. Once divorce is filed he will be served with papers. On the day or day before its filed pack up you and your kids stuff and leave. Even if you have to stay in a hotel or something for a few days, or until you find somewhere else. Which you can also be utilizing this time frame to find another place. But make sure y'all are not in the house when he is served.
It’s obvious he doesn’t respect the marriage or your feelings. The bigger question is why do you put up with this, and for so many years? I would get my ducks in a row quietly, see a lawyer, and then get away from him.
Be done with him. I have no doubt that he's cheating and even if he's not inserting his punishment in anyone else's vagina, he's emotionally cheating. He has no respect for you. You have every reason to hate him.
He is cheating on you again. Those are all classic signs. Has he started wearing different clothes, going out for sully reasons? You forgave him the first time and whilst I know sometimes that is enough, there are more often than not times when the partner sees that as permission to do it again. Also and I am sorry for this, he has been doing this for a while.
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I saw a quote- She didn’t take your man- she took your problem… you are better off without this guy- he is clearly hiding something. Because he has already cheated you have MOrE of a right not to trust him and to question him. if he is a cheater- move on, and let him be her problem, and get a good lawyer so you and the kids are financially are taken care of
I can’t imagine one single reason why you would want to stay with this person… They are giving you every indication that your feelings don’t matter. Just be sure to take your time and put all your affairs in order before you give any indication about separating or divorcing. Meet with a lawyer to make sure that you can adequately protect yourself financially and so that you have things in place to make sure that your accounts are set up correctly and that Financial support for you and the kids is coming in the transition as well . Do not let him know that you were leaving him until all your affairs are in order and until then take your space from him as much as possible… He is toxic . And you deserve better .
I am a man who is in a 15 year marriage, my wife can have my phone whenever she pleases, she knows my code and it is the same for her. Your husband is hiding something, is constantly deflecting, and has already proven his disloyalty. If the relationship is no longer working, or if one side is no longer working as part of the team, then you need to put yourself first. Personally I wouldn't stand for what you are going through.
This is complicated, and simply just getting a lawyer and getting a divorce while in this headspace is going to tear you down. You have to somehow find the motivation to start doing some things for you. Hanging out with friends, going to the gym/exercising/group fitness, change your eating habits if they’re not healthy. Do whatever you can to build up your confidence, to feel empowered AND THEN leave. There is no coming back from this, there is no respect or admiration left, he can’t even communicate with you. It’s definitely time to move on but I’d try give yourself the absolute best chance of doing so!
Your life and your kids life will be better with a happy mom. You're already doing it on your own you don't need this man child to add to your difficulties. Lead by example and show your kids what a healthy relationship should look like. You're not wrong. Start making you and your happiness a priority. Your kids will be better for it.
Maybe its a generational thing because I am a bit older than OP, but I have no issue handing my phone over to my wife or anyone. I know some younger people have said even if they aren't hiding anything their phone is very private and akin to a diary or journal. Sadly, it sounds like your hubby is hiding something.
You need to get screenshots of any and all indiscretion. Evidence is very important. Don't confront him, let him hang himself. Take care of your business and separate financially as much as you can. Save up money to get out, tell him you're leaving and why, be sure you save that evidence and that you have a lawyer when you do it. Work on their advice. As painful as it is, you really have to come to terms with the fact he's cheating. Figure out a way to get that evidence and take care of yourself. My heart breaks for you and your kids, you all deserve more than this. Wishing you the best in spite of this utter shitshow.
I really feel like I could have wrote this because my ex husband did this to me (among other things) but he was notorious for cheating, lying about it and gaslighting. You always knew deep down your husband was cheating but his classic gaslighting and making you feel paranoid and insecure about yourself is a trauma bond that gets you to stay. It’s normal once your feelings have been confirmed, that you start to withdrawal physically and emotionally. As you should because he broke your trust and your love. Just don’t stay with him, get your stuff together, get divorce papers and leave. If you stay and your kids witness his behavior what message or you teaching them by staying? I know you said he challenged you to leave before but you let it go, again it’s a ploy to play on your insecurities to think you’re crazy and maybe making a mountain out of a mole hill. He doesn’t want you to go, because divorce can be messy and expensive. By staying you’re not making him be accountable for his actions. He knows he can cheat to his hearts content because you’ll never leave
Unless it's around birthdays or a special holiday where potential plans could be spoiled, there is no reason to be dodgy about phones unless something is going on. Regardless if any true contact has occurred, it means there are conversations, images, etc that he doesn't want you to see. Being a guy, I hate to throw him under the bus, but this is fact. He knows you would be disappointed if you saw what was on there, or start asking questions about it, like the "family friend you never met" - which by the, he cheated with one of those already according to your statement above. So that's not encouraging at all. If I had to bet on it, I'd say he is in fact, at the very least, conversing with another woman that he has some sort of lust for, and is hoping it pans out for him.
Leave him, but consult with an attorney FIRST before you tell him anything to make sure you've got your ducks in a row and he can't pull any fast ones. He's definitely cheating.
Me and my wife trust each other in a healthy relationship. It would never cross my mind to be protective of my phone in any way, nor would she ever be protective of hers. We share phones all the time for a million things and I can honestly say I'd never think twice about it. We can also both easily unlock each other's phones for things like emergencies (what if we're in a car accident or I need to call her doctor for something, etc.) and always have been able to. If she was suddenly defensive about her phone in the way your husband is, it would be a major red flag. Take that for what it's worth from a happily married guy who would never cheat on his wife.
He is 100 percent cheating and trying to get you to end things so he doesn't look like the bad guy. Sorry.
Sweetie , I have been married for over 35 years to good man . He would never do that to me . Your man may not be screwing those girls , but he wants to and would if they would let him . He has shown his true colors over and over . Dump him , baby .
A little rule I live by, I never check my wife’s phone but if I got to the point to where I felt I had to then the relationship is already over and it’s time to cut the cord. Don’t pull that woman card and emotionally break up before you actually break up, just get your divorce and walk away
Why would you be wrong? He's cheating on you right now.
NTA. Girl, run. Separate all things, not just emotions. Divorce him and take care of yourself. He’s not going to change.
He is a dog, get rid of him.
He's no good and a sneaky/sleazy troublemaker. Before you leave, try and collect some evidence of his cheating to make things easier on yourself later on. If you own your house, check with a lawyer to see if you could leave without forfeiting the rights to it.
I’m hitting myself
I hate your husband already. What a loser. You deserve someone who you trust absolutely, unconditionally, wholly, with every corner of your heart
If you’re emotionally checking out you may as well physically check out too. He’s a cheater and a liar. You don’t trust him (rightfully) and don’t particularly like him (also rightfully) Why stay and put up with his nonsense? Go be happy or at least have peace of mind not worrying about what he’s up to.
You're being cucked. He's screwing someone else, you know he is, but you're not trying to stop it. You're just sitting around letting him. Tell him to f-off. He doesnt love or respect you. And he apparently hasn't for a very long time.
He's definitely cheating and thats definitely not cool. Start getting your ducks in a row.
Time to consult with your lawyer and figure out how to get out and plan your future life without him
Please file for divorce today. It will feel amazing! Go on and live your beautiful life.
It doesn't really matter if he's cheating on you, you're already treating him like he is so the relationship isn't working for either of you. Imagine for a second he *isn't* being unfaithful, would *you* want to be in a relationship with someone that treats you the way you treat him? Which isn't to say he isn't cheating, he might be, but in a healthy relationship you wouldn't care what his wallpaper was, or who was texting him on WhatsApp. You *could* work on the relationship, you on your trust issues and him on his trustworthiness, but if that was going to happen it likely already would have over the eight years you've been together. So either agree to see a counselor and work on these problems, a drastic change to how you've tried to work them out (destructively) yourselves, or agree that you would be happier apart and start the difficult (but perhaps less difficult than what you're doing now) process of separating.
He’s cheatihg on you and, I’m sorry. And, I’m sorry for all the commenters telling you you’re embarrassing yourself. I know it’s hard. You’re the breadwinner and, you said it yourself you’re starting to hate him. Leave him.
To the OP: You already resent your husband for various reasons, and it also sounds like you don't trust him for various reasons as well. It's time to cut your losses, officially end the marriage, and begin the process of moving on. The longer this drags out, the more emotional wreckage there will be for all involved, including your two children. Good luck, ma'am.
OMFG you should have left seven years ago. Your husband is an absolute asshole you have every right to feel hatred towards him. You value your marriage and family and he treats it like disposable garbage. Collect evidence. Even if it means playing nice to make him feel comfortable. Take notes and collect evidence. Make sure you know all the finances.
You are having financial issues because he is paying for his affairs…
The only answer reddit has regarding relationship issues is break up/divorce.
When you start emotionally separating from H please try your best to do so in a way that will be a good role model for your children. Teach them how to amicably end a relationship if you can. Avoid acting on the feelings of hate in ways you would rather not have the children see and act out. I realize this is a weird ask but don’t let the teaching opportunity slip.
Man you guys are harsh on this person who is legitimately suffering. Make her suffer even more! Go y’all!
Don't stick around for the kids. Kids who grow up with miserable parents who hate each other have it far worse emotionally and mentally than kids with separated parents who share custody. All the signs are clear as glass, the guy is cheating again. Secretive phone behaviour, girls calling him baby, rejecting calls from women when you're around. If it were innocent, none of this would be happening. Don't stay and be miserable, it's only going to hurt everyone, kids included.
Dude, you know what’s going on- leave him. You’re embarrassing yourself.
He is full on cheating, I’m not sure why you stay with him.
He is absolutely cheating again and ‘staying’ cause it’s cheaper than divorce. Straighten your crown and walk
Do you hate him or hate yourself for staying with him?
Tbh demanding a certain phone wallpaper strikes me as a bit wild and controlling, and could naturally push a partner further away. I have never cared to have free access or snoop in a significant others' phone. I haven't felt the need to bc ample trust to be fair. But insistent phone meddling/micromanagement would bother me bc damn I deserve some privacy, like w reddit or my google search history or chargpt asks, despite having nothing to hide relationship-wise. People have different expectations, but, yeah if there isn't basic trust without going thru the phone at all, maybe not best situation. That said, once actual humans are brought into the world, I think they deserve 2 parents and the marriage should be worked on to the maximum extent. Tbh single parenting isn't not detrimental to children, thats just the science unfortunately.
Please let him go. I was you and I stayed way too long. It’s going to be hard getting over him but once you do you will see what we all see just reading your post. He doesn’t value you and you have lost yourself in his selfish madness.
Honey, my husband and I have been married for 25 yrs. together for almost 28, our phones are always laying around the house at anytime either of us can look at the others. We both have the same passwords, we answer each other's phone if need be and texts as well. If he is being weird with his phone and is defensive, I'm willing to bet he has something to hide. Don't put up with cheating for yourself and your children ( not a good example for them). Sit down and have a serious talk, demand the truth and respect and move on if necessary. You and your children will be happier in a less stressed home. Remember you deserve love and respect. Good luck.
HE. IS. DEFINITELY. CHEATING. Probably with multiple women. And he is definitely being evasive purposefully. And he definitely clearly doesn’t care to have a healthy relationship with you. And this is definitely a big deal and you are definitely right to be extremely concerned. Please GTFO of that relationship. He is not a good person and he is not deserving of you AT ALL. And his behavior indicates he is likely unsalvageable, so you’re just wasting your life the longer you hesitate or doubt your instincts.
For gods sake, please get some self respect! You know what he is doing, you know he is cheating, why are you turning a blind eye? Please do not humiliate yourself even more by putting up with this. WHAT YOU ALLOW IS WHAT WILL CONTINUE Please call a lawyer, lock down your finances and reach out to your physician to get an STD panel.
Him saying he’s ok with you leaving is all the signs you need. Leave him. He’s a lying cheat. You & your kids deserve better than that
Come on. You know he's cheating on you. What are you waiting on? It seems like you're in denial because you don't want to take action. But you know he is cheating and you know he's going to keep cheating.
Read this again. How are you even questioning it at this point? He’s cheating. You need to leave or stop complaining about him.
If they panic when they grab the phone they are cheating 100%
You know the answer, you’re still coming to terms with it. He’s cheating again, if not physically then emotionally. He keeps giving you lame excuses as to why you can’t get in his phone and you want to believe it. Having two kids doesn’t change the answer that he’s cheating. You have two choices - stay, but I’d consider letting the phone issue go because he’s not going to change and your best bet is living in ignorance. Or you can leave.
He's cheating and doesn't care if you leave. Why are you staying?
The kind of relationship you want isn’t going to be possible with him. At this point, is the relationship a net positive in terms of money and labor? Can you emotionally distance yourself from him and have a low-conflict relationship? If he pulls his weight it might be worthwhile to keep him around for a while as a roommate kind of thing. Otherwise, you are probably better off without him. If it’s too upsetting to be around him all the time, cut your losses and preserve your peace. Sorry you’re going through this.
Girl, you know the answer to all of your questions and they begin and end with a divorce attorney. Go now and save yourself another moment of worrying about this serial cheater cause you know damn well that he's cheating. Sounds like you're the bread winner too so, make sure you get your money on LOCKDOWN before even giving him a Hint that You're thinking divorce again. This ain't the Hallmark channel, women have died for even mentioning divorce, much less if they are the one with the money and he ain't willing to let that bag go. Lock it down, make a plan, and take EVERYTHING. Before he even suspects a thing. On the way out the door to a place that he now has to pay YOU for (or your share of it) tell him that you've got herpes and slam the door. Let that fool worry about which one of his side chicks he got it from to give it to you. Especially fun if you DON'T really have it.
This is what happens when you reconcile. Yes it’s always hard to be lied to cheated on and financially destroyed. But you might as well get it over with the first time you catch a cheater. Because it’s going to happen again. Cheaters cheat, liars lie, and once a cheater always a cheater are all true. I’m sorry he has proven that yet again for you. The best time to divorce a cheater is the minute you catch them. The second best time is right now. Time to lawyer up and send him down the road.
he cheated one...hes cheating twice . sorry OP you deserve better
He’s definitely cheating and he’s not even doing a good job hiding it
He is cheating or emotionally cheating. Everyone so quick to say leave like its so easy so i dont know if u should leave or not and no one on this app does either only you. But if u stay u need to accept that his eyes wander and probably always will. I think you are totally justified to walk away if thats what you want.
Divorce is up to you but if y'all do split don't leave the home. Kick him out instead. Even if his name is on the lease/deed or it's completely all in his name, you stay put and he leaves. Depending on how ugly a divorce gets there are some cases where the person who stayed in the home gets better control of assets.
Hes gaslighting big time. He got away with cheating once. So he never stopped. ..emotionally separate. No. Physically separate. Kick him out. Now. You and the kids deserve so much better. Straight to lawyer, stat. Tell usband nothing. He thinks he has worn you down.us Redditors send you strength. You CAN do this. YOU ARE ENOUGH.HE IS NOT.all the best. Keep us informed.
With great, quiet satisfaction contact a lawyer and ask advice. Don't leave him in the house, he'll never leave. He thinks you're weak or dumb. Start saving money and limiting what he can use. We all know things are getting more expensive, at least those of us that buy them. Start thinking about the time you can focus on your kids and not spend thinking about him. He's certainly not thinking about you. He may think he's a real catch and say he doesn't care-but paying child support will assure he's a deadbeat date. No one wants a man that can't afford his own children. Or that doesn't work while you do. I would 100% say he's cheating. Do you want or need proof? You can buy spyware that tracks his location and every keystroke, you don't even need his passcode. It's a negative journey, I don't really recommend it. I will say no one under the age of 60 is going to shame or judge you for being divorced/single, it doesn't happen much. At least half of your kids friends will be from divorced families too-we've figured out how to do it civilly. The sooner you split the sooner, the sooner you can stop wasting time, money and emotions. Oh, and once you find him out, he will do the nice routine again. He's really not trustwothy.
Girl, have some self respect and leave his sorry ass.
Cheaters never stop cheating. We find ways to gaslight, manipulate and deceive. We don't care about your feelings or family or losing anything because there's always going to be someone else. We're never satisfied with what we have because we're always looking for the next thrill. Your husband has already moved on emotionally and I wouldn't doubt it if he's causing financial problems for you while trying to impress his new toy. You are wasting your time trying to keep him faithful. Weigh your options and act accordingly.
Consult a lawyer and begin divorce. Time to live your life away from this toxic mess. Don’t leave the home before consulting a lawyer so it can’t be used against you. And talk to lawyer about separating finances so he can’t use your money for his half of the divorce proceeding.
Get a lawyer. Don’t leave the house…you need that, but talk to an attorney. This “man” is trash…you deserve better. He’s definitely cheating. Lawyer.
I would say to get a divorce but I'm not gonna lie to yall, it's rough on one income in this economy when the price of rent and groceries are like it is. I got divorced. I really wish at this point we could have made it work as a financially beneficial situation whilst we went on our own lives. But obviously it doesn't work that way. I truly believe marriage makes women blind to the reality of the faults of the man in front of them. Trust me, he will not care if you want a divorce one way or the other. Too much thinking for people like him.
Just get your service provider to print off his recent text history.
The strong likelihood is that he is having an affair. Redditers dont need to tell you, you've lived through this once already. You have 2 options here, you can allow him to blindside you and be the one making the call on when he leaves with the new woman. Or you can be on the front foot and be prepared and exit when it suits you. By the sounds of things, it might be nice for you to be the one calling the shots this time around. If he is hiding his phone, then he is doing something that needs to be hidden. Full stop. At your stage in life do you really need to put up with this again? Plan and prepare for your exit. You are the higer earner and contributor to the household so you are in a good position. This isnt time to bury your head in the sand, as soul crushing as this is, you dont have the luxury of crumbling now. See a lawyer and seek advice on your best next steps. Start putting away money in a separate location where he doesnt have access to it and you should be able to demonstrate that you are the primary breadwinner so you will be eligible for a larger cut when assets are divided. Keep paperwork for everything. Please note that any money you save or accrue in a bank account during the course of a marriage may be considered a marital asset and divided. I would definitely be keeping that money somewhere else where he can't access it and spend it on his mistress. Having good legal advice is fundamentally important here, as depending where you are there may be better procedures to protect yourself. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Its time you started thinking about you, forget this man. He doesnt deserve any more of your life. You are better off with a pet that is happy to see you when you get home and a nice circle of friends than supporting a disloyal bastard that takes from you. I am so sorry this is happening but you can chose to let this crush you or you can put your foot down this time, decide you deserve better and get yours! I suggest the latter. Please remember, someone elses disgusting behaviour is a reflection of THEIR lack of character, morals and value as a human being, NOT yours. Dont blame yourself for someone else being less than a man. Keep us updated.
People can be so shitty. Sorry op, and good luck. I hope you and the kids land on your feet, seems like you know what you need to do already.
He doesn't even have the respect to hide it well.
1. Please learn how to use paragraphs. 2. Your marriage is over. He is cheating. 3. Don't be a doormat. Just move on.
hes cheating
The mere fact you feel the need to even grab his phone to go through it, tells you everything you need to know. You don't trust your own partner, you can't have a healthy relationship with someone you don't trust. More importantly based on his behavior and his previous infidelity it sounds like you have very good reasons to not trust him. You've been married 8 years. How do is there still "family friends" in his life that you haven't met? Even if he was telling the truth(he isn't) that still huge red flags in of itself because clearly he doesn't value you or care about you his own wife enough to introduce or talk to you about people he cares enough about to regularly interact with.