Your estranged father wants to propose to his girlfriend with the ring he gave his ex-wife who later gifted the ring to her child.
It must be worth more than you think. He wants to sell it. Maybe put it in a safety deposit box.
Edited to correct mom's alive status. Sorry, mom!
After all, he's been trying to get it all along. And how much could he care about this gf of his anyway? The two of them should pick out a ring together for him to gift her, not expect his ex-wife and or daughter to provide the ring!
OP, your father is an emotional imbecile!
My brother is a cheap asshole and waited until he inherited one of my mother's rings to propose to his baby mamma. It wasn't for any sentimental reason that he waited, he's just so cheap spending his own money on things for other people that, if it cost him a nickel to shit, he would rather throw up.
Our longest continuous conversation as adults, that included him initiating contact at least part of the time, was when I had given him a $50 giftcard that he was having trouble redeeming. The contact ended when things were resolved and it was 3-4 months before I heard from him again.
Honestly, and I don't know if I should feel bad but this is likely the reason my dad wants the ring. It honestly probably isn't much but he thinks that it is and or just wants to save the money and was hoping I would cave like I normally do to avoid conflict.
And yet, he's being ridiculed for being cheap. So if he went to Walmart to get a cheap ring, he'd literally still be setting himself up to be called a cheapskate? Maybe he spent alotta money on the ring to the ex and he knows its still a valuable item that society would expect him to gift to her.
In what world would ANYONE expect to ask for an ex's ring back to regift to a current partner? That makes zero sense. Cheap, sleezy, whatever you call him... this is gross behavior on his part.
Totally ridiculous expectation on his part. OP, you should have the ring appraised. That will likely tell you why he’s been trying to get it away from you for the last eleven years. Be sure it is somewhere that he wont ever have access to.
I can’t imagine any woman being happy to receive the ring her fiancé had previously given to his ex-wife. That’s an insult.
Unless it's worth a metric shit ton of money and she knows it. Then she doesn't mind a little insult.
Of course, this is all assuming she's a miserable gold digger (and I can't see any other reason a woman would agree to marry that loser).
That contract has already been fulfilled. Therefore he is no longer entitled to the ring. True we don’t know his financial status. he’s near retirement and asking for the ring several times over the years so one can deduce his desire to sell it. Why else would he want it? It’s unlikely his new wife would want an ex’s ring so he would have sold it and got her something different and kept the rest of the money for himself. He’s of the mindset that since he bought it belongs to him. He keeps asking for it. She shouldn’t have to tell him no more than once.
So the ring is payment for a contract? It's paying the woman to be in marriage?
I believe it was traditionally thought of as a symbol representing impending marriage. If that symbol no longer represents anything, then its just something worth alot of money. If it was payment for a contract, then sure - contract fulfilled. But I believe it was traditionally for representational/symbolic purposes which means actually, whoever's left holding it just has alotta money.
I think hes a bad dude cos this isn't a case of husband wants ring vs wife wants ring. His daughter - who has financially helped him multiple times - is in the equation and she finds it sentimental. Therefore, it's his daughters feelings on the line, not some spousal war and I think she should keep it. But idk, I grew up in poorer socioeconomic backgrounds and I see how hard people around me worked to buy their spouses engagement rings. I think it touched a nerve to see someone saying cos he wants it back and can't buy a new ring, he's a cheapskate, cos I just pictured the people around me who literally worked like dogs to get their wives (10+ years married, all five of them!) the rings that they desired?
Apologies for letting my personal feelings come into it, making it look like the dads in the right. I will still get downvoted but I think the word 'cheapskate' just triggered me cos its like this guy is wrong but it felt like poor peeps were attacked for (in a different scenario, lets saying cheating) wanting back something that took alotta effort.
I just meant in legal speak that an engagement ring is a gift in contemplation of marriage. If you break up before you marry then the woman should always return the ring. In this case her mother married the father so the ring legally belonged to the mother. That’s what I meant by contract fulfilled.
In divorce the wife gets to keep the ring, wear it, sell it, throw it in the river or as in this case, give it to her daughter. It now belongs to the OP. she can now do whatever she likes with it. The father has no rights to the ring. You can buy inexpensive rings. Mine wasn’t expensive but like you I grew up poor and I am not materialistic.
Yeah but these people worked and worked which naturally is fine, great even, but he literally wants a ring that he gave to someone years and years ago and then that person gave it to someone else years and years ago. He has no claim to that ring regardless of cost or how much he worked to get it. You said yourself you knew people that worked tirelessly to give the ring they wanted to give to their future spouse. Why is he not willing to do that for this woman
He's wrong for sure. His daughter financially aided him multiple times. But yeah, I got triggered by seeing the word cheapskate, I explained why further down but tldr: i just had flashbacks to how hard friends worked to get their spouses their engagement rings (all successful relationships/marriages touchwood!) and yeah, just got triggered, apologies
Thank you. I hope you are able to see this and I can totally see where you are coming from. I don't know how much my dad paid for the ring originally and I feel bad saying it but he honestly did not work often and has been on disability for pretty much over 20 years. From how my grandparents dynamics were with him, I wouldn't be surprised if they helped support in paying it.
From what I know he never asked about the ring until he actually saw I got it and because I was typically easy to give in to requests from him, I think he expected I would just give it to him.
No way. In many places, an engagement ring is a conditional gift. The condition being the marriage happens. At that point, it becomes property of the one wearing it. My ex and I each kept our rings, and mine will go to our daughter. I don't care if she wears it, sells it. Whatever. Legality aside, it's a weird ask anyway!
The girlfriend really wants to wear an ex-wife's ring? Most women I know would prefer to have a ring bought with them in mind. Even if it's less expensive, it was a symbol of the first marriage.
He'd rather take a sentimental gift from his daughter to repurpose for his girlfriend ( under conditions of emotional blackmail 'you don't love me enough' ) than wait until he can afford a new ring or one that's less expensive.
It's weird. I don't think it matters what his finances are. He's completely disregarding his daughter's feelings and express wishes to keep the ring. He's disregarding OP'S mom's wishes to gift the ring to OP ( and mom is likely the legal owner and person who SHOULD choose who the ring goes to ) and potentially even his girlfriend's wishes who probably would prefer a ring bought with her in mind.
The problem is not about OP'S dad being cheap. It's that he's being a shitty dad and selfish in his continued pressure to get the ring back!
Yeah in most jurisdictions an engagement ring is a "gift given in contemplation of marriage" and need not be returned even if the engagement falls through, although sometimes it's definitely the right thing to do.
My mother is still alive.
But I agree - it probably is worth something. Other rings I would receive over the years (even ones he gave me) he would sometimes ask for them back to change the settings for me (and again I still have most of those) but in the back of my head I always wondered if he would just wind up selling it.
Not wrong.
If you let him take any of those rings back I’d say there would be a 115% chance you’d never see them again unless you bumped into his gf and she was wearing them or you saw them at a pawn shop.
I agree either way others to get the appraisal done.
I never thought to do that actually. Thank you! I will look into getting that done. I know my mom probably did at one time but that was 12 years ago and things can depreciate and all that.
Unfortunately, the diamond engagement and wedding rings are part of a scam. Only new ones are 'worth' anything. They sell at an inflated price. Once you try to resell the true value comes out. So he knows what he paid for it and thinks that is what it's worth and he wants that money back. So what I mean to say is don't get your hopes up about it's monetary value and remember it's worth as a keepsake.
You're absolutely right, I was separated and got in a hard spot and took my ring that had a lot of small diamonds instead of one big one to the jewelry store. They offered me 40$ for the same ring they charged me 250$ to replace one of the diamonds in that had fallen out just a couple of years before. Said they would just scrap it.
Where does it say the mom died? I read where her stepdad that she was close to died and she got a tattoo to commentate him and her dad was upset.
Regardless OP you are not wrong.
As my therapist said to me once, “it’s not about the cheese.”
(I was saying it was silly to have a whole argument about cheese. It turned out it wasn’t about cheese, it was about whether he got to override my decisions about what I was going to do with my money. The answer was no, if I wanted to buy X cheese, I had the right to buy it, and it wasn’t about the cheese)
This is not about the ring.
This is about whether your father has the right to unilaterally demand from you a gift your mother gave you, so that he can replace her in his own mind with a new woman. (I proposed to some woman once with that particular thing, and I want to override every memory of her by rewriting it with a new proposal to New Woman with that exact same particular thing. I only care for daughter enough to emotionally manipulate her into giving me that thing for free)
You are right to say no.
If you didn’t care about the ring, you could offer to sell it to him for what you might be able to get for it, but definitely don’t give it to him free.
But once he started the attempted guilt tripping, I would sooner grind it up in front of him than give it to him.
“Dad, do you realize how whiny you sound? You would have whipped my butt when I was five for sounding like that. Grow up. “Poor me, you won’t give me what I want for free, I’m going to say you’re mean and you like my sister better Wah Wah Wah.” Geez.
The answer is no, it’s mine, give Lulu her own ring not some recycled one you had to wheedle out of your ex-wife’s daughter and couldn’t anyway. Have some respect for yourself at least.”
Edit: made your mom not dead
My mother initiated. Reason I know this is that one day my brother and I came home from school my father was sitting in his chair in the living room and called us over and proceeded to inform us that our mother has told him to move out.
Me and my brother then found our mom crying and she was upset beause they had agreed to wait and speak with us together.....
Your dad sounds like a selfish and manipulative person. He is the one who doesn't care about your happiness and this story alone about how you found out about the divorce is evidence enough by itself.
As I suspected, unhealthy behaviors on repeat. Must have been exhausting for the household. I hope you & siblings) can step aside from that 'relationship' and give yourselves permission to grieve and heal. Internet love and hugs. 🫂
Thank you. My brother and I are doing a bit better in our relationship and working to heal ourselves and mend the issues we have with each other. He personally still talks with our father but they always had a different dynamic but he understands why I don't.
Same. My brother is besties with Dad. I finally accepted that the behaviors were very much the same and just as unhealthy. I can't see the purpose of moving forward in the same tracks. I've cut all contact and social media availability to them as a group.
While I am in contact with my brother, I appreciate that I am not alone in cutting off other family members who enable the behaviour. Some I haven't cut complete ties to but it has strained the relationship due to all the dynamics going on.
This is not about the ring.
You have been consistent that you like the ring as is and you want to keep it.
He has been consistently belittling and disrespectful of you. HE wants it back ,HE WANTS you to get a different setting, HE WANTS to reuse it.
I very much doubt his new gf wants an old ring.
Is it just about the ring or is he this determined about everything in your life be about him and his needs.
His needs are generally the priority. I remember I was at work once and messaged me back to back saying it was an emergency and so in a panic I called him and he said he needed a ride somewhere....this was the emergency.....I started crying at work and went home.
If this is a new or much worse thing, get him tested for early dementia.
If this is an ongoing think just ignore it/him.
I had an aunt who was like this: would want to rehash everything little inheritance thing. It was exhausting. Like being up all those old feelings of loss. It’s like she didn’t know how to communicate unless she got something out of you. It’s sad she’s alone, but more peaceful post contact
My current GF is annoyed I still have/ use a coffee mug my ex gave me. I can only imagine the reaction if I tried to regift her an ex's engagement ring
That was also what I was thinking later when I had a chance to step away from the situation. I mean sometimes you keep things that are less significant but an engagement ring?!
The first question to ask is was the action of keeping the ring reasonable or unreasonable. The answer is, it was completely reasonable for you to keep it. Next step is to evaluate what happened next. Your dad kept making comments about it, asked for it, implied he had some type of right to it. All that seemed over the line and clearly against your wishes, yet he persisted. I don't see an issue with him asking once, but if you gave an answer, that should have been the end of it. He then switches to playing the victim and blaming you. When someone does that in my books, it shows how little they care, they would rather place blame than understand the other person. If your dad cared about you, he wouldn't have texted you those things. He would have respected your boundaries. He wouldn't have hinged his happiness on you choosing to keep YOUR ring.
For me, the using the tattoo in a fight is the worst thing here, that is fucked up.
Maybe if your father put effort into being a better dad, respecting you and your boundaries and spent less time comparing himself and being insecure, you'd still be talking. Although I am sure there is a lot more to this, based only on what you have shared, no, you haven't taken it to far.
The tattoo was hard because I know how my father could be and so before I even got the tattoo, I told him what I was planning and he said he understood because he knew that my stepdad was important in my life.
Then we were having a tense conversation if you will and he threw that in my face to say essentially I got the tattoo to spite him.
I don't think she knows and I have actually never met her. If she did know she probably would feel awful and that is also why like I commented on another message I don't think it is my place to cause any issues there, this is my father's 4th marriage
He has been trying to get that ring for 12 years now with various excuses. It is definitely worth a lot and he 100% wants to sell it. Put it somewhere safe!!
Not wrong at all.
Your Father gave up all rights to the ring when he gave it to your Mother as a gift. Once she received the ring, it was her property to do with as she wished.
Your Mother chose to pass the ring onto you meaning that the ownership was even further away from your Dad. He’s either too tight because he wants a free ring or the ring is valuable and he plans to sell it. He may keep some of the money and get his girlfriend a cheaper one instead. Whichever is the answer he has no claim to it and he is trying to guilt trip you into handing it over.
I did question if I was wrong in the beginning but like you said, this was an engagement ring, which is a gift and she then decided to gift it to me - he had no 'claim' on it any longer.
You're not wrong for going no contact. I think you should clearly explain to him why though, perhaps in a letter.
I agree with the others telling you to protect the ring. Keep it in a safe or even a safety deposit box.
I can understand maybe a letter. I just worry he thinks this opens communication or that it leads to another bought of things where he says things of "of course, I was a terrible father I guess".
Who proposes with a ring from their previous marriage? 😭😭😭
If you want to go no contact that is your right. People don’t always deserve to hold space in your life even if it’s a parent.
Your Dad totally DARVOed you, and from what I'm reading in your comments? Has done this consistently throughout your life.
If you're already low contact? You may want to seriously consider going NO contact.
He's been this way all your life. He's clearly a manipulative narcissist.
What are the pros of having him in your life? More importantly? What are the cons?
You are not wrong, but you are an adult. Adult you needs to protect yourself from your Dad the way child you could not. Best of luck to you. 🍀
Thank you.....I have been no contact since the, except for when we briefly spoke at my grandmother's funeral. Outside of that, I only get updates through my younger brother who still talks to him
Your dad was being manipulative, narcissistic and immature and if anything he should be the one asking for forgiveness for his behaviour. How unbelievably petty and also CHEAP of him. I’m sorry.
I guess I asked the question if I was too harsh because that is the narrative from his side of the family. Where it is "he is your dad, he loves you, oh you know how he is". But seeing a lot of these replies, it is not good or generally 'normal' behaviour.
That’s called gaslighting and denial on their part. His behaviour is awful, and “you know how he is” is just minimizing and refusing to really look at the situation. I’m sorry this happened. I don’t think it’s harsh. Often going no-contact is necessary with narcissistic people and your dad is definitely one of them. Check out r/raisedbynarcissists
Dear you are not wrong...your father just want to use the ring to purpose to his new girlfriend...
He is not thinking about your feelings at all...
If he does he will never ask you for a ring...
Thank you. I had thought this 'conversation' had been over since I always said no and that I wanted to keep it but I guess he was just waiting for the next time.
Not wrong at all! Your father wants to propose to his GF with your mother’s ring? Like wtf?! Buy a new ring!!!
And with everything else he’s said and done over the years, it’s best if you’re NC.
I sometimes just question as his side of the family also shares the sentiment of, but he is your father - you should let bygones be bygones. Essentially.
Just because he’s your father doesn’t mean he can step all over any boundaries you created or disrespect you.
Don’t let people talk you into letting bygones be bygones unless YOU truly want to forgive and forget.
It sounds like your dad feels entitled to the ring when he isn’t. It became your moms when she married him and when they divorced.
What makes me really believe no contact is the right decision is the fact he wants it to propose to another woman.
Idk what his problems are but he doesn’t sound emotionally healthy.
You're not wrong. It might seem like a "small" issue to some people, but it's more than just about the ring. He's also thrown your tattoo in your face and has been basically laying a guilt trip on you for your love for your stepdad and for not willing to part with the ring. It's pretty despicable, actually. At first, he acted like he would take it to get appraised for you. I wholeheartedly believe he never would have given you the ring back once it was in his possession. He then said he could have it arranged a different way for you. None of his lies worked, and then he has the audacity to ask you again for the ring so he can use it to propose to his gf! JFC. Yeah, I'd go no contact as well. It also seems like he only reaches out to you for the purpose of getting his hands on that ring. If I were you, I'd keep it somewhere safe. Maybe get a deposit box. Just in case.
I mean he would contact me for other things but he has made poor choices in life and then unfortunately was sick and never went back to work, I did get contacted very often to be his caretaker at a young age, so the ring was just part of the issue but it was the text I received and not being the first time being told that, that I finally was like you know what - you think that, then fine.
This is so weird. All other considerations aside, what woman would want to be proposed to with the same ring that he used to propose to his ex-wife? I suspect he just wanted to sell it and get his money back. Too bad. You are not wrong.
You know what....I honestly just thought he wanted it to propose but I wouldn't put it past him to just sell it and then give some story later as to why he used a different ring or why they decided not to use one.
You are discovering a side of your father that is self wanting. He obviously thinks he has a right to it to get claw back some money from the failed marriage. Forget about the nonsense over him wanting to re propose to another woman with it.
You knocked back again and this time he has thrown up the manipulation to blame you and his importance in your life. It’s a pretty good indication of why the marriage failed . You’re fine to put your mooching dad in the back burner, not all parents are capable and able to make their own way through life without constantly taking from others.
By asking for something that is a family heirloom, so that he can use it to move on with another woman, he is being incredibly stupid. If he is a narcissist, as I expect, all that matters to him is that HIS needs are met. Also, narcissists a use US if having their shortcomings, a weird thing called projecting. When he says that you don’t care about his happiness, he is confessing that he doesn’t care enough about YOUR happiness. He is trying to use shaming blaming and guilt to take something from you that is yours. Because he wants it. Don’t give in to him and if it takes no contact to make that happen so be it
I don't believe it is a family heirloom, I feel I remember a conversation where he had mentioned he purchased it. Plus if it was a family Heirloom, my grandmother would never have stood for my mother keeping the ring after the divorce.
I would’ve just told him that I was saving him from getting in trouble with his girlfriend because most women would be PISSED if they found out a man proposed with his ex-wife engagement ring.
You should try to get word to the GF that he wants to propose to her using his ex wife’s ring.there would be some poetic justice in that but I’m petty as hell. You are absolutely not wrong.
NTA
Does your soon-to-be stepmother KNOW that her soon-to-be fiance wants to give her his ex-wife's ring??
I do not know of a single person who would be okay with that. Your father is a fool and it's okay to go no contact.
You are not wrong for going NC with your bio dad. In fact, you should’ve done it long ago. Whether the ring is actually valuable in price, or not, he knows you have an attachment to it and he cannot stand for you to have it for that reason alone.
And you say he’s been married 4 other times and it’s JUST with this mast one that he wants it to use it to propose to his latest victim? Nope.
I would get it appraised just out of curiosity. It might be worth a lot of barely worth anything, but I think once you find out part of the mystery will be solved. If it’s pretty worthless in price, you know he’s just trying to deprive you of something you have a sentimental value over. If it’s worth more than a few bucks, it could be both.
My parents divorced and my mother gifted me her engagement ring from my dad for my 16th birthday. When dad remarried he wouldn't have dreamed of using my ring and my stepmother would never have accepted it. It was mine. Your father is a real piece of work. If you do love your stepfather more, it's his fault. BTW I gave the ring to my daughter for her 16th. She only has a son. I wonder how that hardworking man (age 26) would look wearing a tiny, ornate delicate diamond?
You're not wrong.
This isn't about a ring. The ring doesn't actually matter here, it could be anything or nothing. This is about respect and boundaries.
I should say- the ring rightfully belongs to you. It's generally agreed that the engagement ring goes back to the man if the engagement ends before marriage, but stays with the woman if they marry and then divorce. So it was rightfully hers, she gave it to you, it's now rightfully yours. He has no right to it.
Someone who loves and respects you would understand that *it's not his ring to demand or expect.* He can ASK, but you're allowed to say no. So you blocked him because he's not respecting you. And that's a pretty good reason. A ring doesn't matter. Respect does.
If he thinks of it that way, then he doesn’t care about you, just possessing the ring
I think he wants to sell it for quick cash because no self-respecting woman would want a ring that her man gave his first wife and took back from his daughter
What woman would want the same ring her fiancé gave his previous wife. He probably was going to sell it. Don’t give it back to him. Wear it in good health or sell it.
Not a bad idea haha, but in all honesty - if it was worth something I would be keeping that money - I have spent enough time in my life helping him out financially every so often that I think I get to keep this lol
Your dad wants to use the engagement ring from a failed marriage for his girlfriend? Isn't that bit of a faux pas? If I was his girlfriend and he tried to propose with his ex wife engagement ring I would not be happy.
He’s been married twice since divorcing your mom? Did he want the ring around then as well? If not it seems super weird that this is the marriage he wants to reuse the ring.
Haha, in my head I can be pretty petty but I never want to say or do something because there are people who can often get caught in the crossfire (if you will) and it is not fair to them.
I would put all your jewelry, specially the ones given to you by him, in a safety deposit box. I would state that only your mother could have access to it in case anything happened to you.
There's a zeitgeist term over in AmItheAsshole that I want to use here all the time but don't because lack of context (and I can't find the post):
This is not about the Iranian Yoghurt.
In my country I Think the tradition is that you give back the engagement/wedding rings if the relationships end. But other cultures have different traditions on these matter. So it really depends on how you see the ring is it a gift or is it a pledge of love?
I mean, yeah you’re a bit wrong. It does seem like an over the top reaction on your part. That’s not to say he’s not in the wrong as well, though. That was an unfair reaction for sure.
Thank you ❤️ unfortunately this has also led to rifts in me not talking with a lot of that side of the family…amongst other issues - families right? I wish things were different but one can only put up with so much.
Nope, not wrong. And the fact that he’s asking you for a gift from your mom to propose to his new girlfriend is gross. The same gift/ring that he proposed to your mother with. He’s either selfish or cheap, probably both. The emotional manipulation is the cherry on top here.
I mean, she did say when she gave it to me that it was mine to do with what I wanted and she gave the example or selling it or giving it to children if I had any. I was just about to go into university and so that is why I said she probably was thinking I would sell it to use what I got towards to tuition as every little bit counted.
You should tell your dad’s girlfriend about how he was so cheap he tried to get your mother’s engagement ring from you to give to her. She will think it’s a funny story.
Go on eBay and buy him a $50 moissanite diamond and then ship it ti him
Your best bet is to tell him you sold the other ring, or actually get it made into a pendant for a necklace
That way you will end all discussions of the ring and any contention with your father.
Life is short, if your dad is generally a good dad, you will regret no contact over something so petty when he’s gone. There’s no apologies after they’re gone. It’s hard.
Was it his mom’s or grandmother’s ring? Maybe it had significant sentimental value to him too.
If it’s just going to sit an a drawer, is it really worth it?
Maybe get it appraised and offer it to him for the appraised value.
Or the actual cash value.
Use the money for something you will enjoy, or something you will wear.
Seems like he is already gone. Gone loco for his new gf that is.
He has zero right to ask for the ring back as OP’s mother did fulfill the contract of the ring by marriage. He is not due it back.
He can ask. OP can say no. End of discussion. The fact he started with the emotional manipulation bs immediately shows how he is as a person. OP is well rid.
We all know people like that… everything they have done has been better/worse/more important bla bla bla. Good for you for figuring this out and not being manipulated by it
Yep we're all good now, and thank you. Just please don't listen to the goof saying you only get one father. Late in life adoptions are real as i & my uncle call it 🤣
And good riddance. Mine was an abusive alcoholic who beat the crap out of every woman he was with until he found one that fought back. We lived in the same town for two decades of my life, and I rarely heard from him.
Blood related doesn't mean you have to want them in your life.
I have a tattoo I got when I was 18 and at the time it was ingrained in me to say Family Always but I want to update that tattoo to say Family is not Alwasy blood.
I’d say try to reconnect, warily.
It was wrong for your father to assume you’d just give up something of significant financial value, to be used for a purpose that insults your mother. And the words which followed your refusal are even worse. But still, it is in your own long term best interests to have your father in your life, rather than not in your life. But only if he would be grateful for your forgiveness.
Trying to re-establish a relationship with someone who showed repeatedly that they are toxic just because they are your parent is counter-productive and akin to masochism.
Better only one parent or not parent at all than that.
I have been married this time for almost 12 years. First marriage lasted 3 years and left what ever I decided to leave to my ex and my then step-daughter that ring. Got engaged with my daughters mom and realized that it would not work because of her. She gave her ring to our middle daughter (3 daughters for those who needed the assist lol). The only ring that I asked for back is the one that I gave my second wife is because my father gave it to my mother and we are saving it for our son. I wanted to make sure that he has it to give when the time is right and like my mother didn't believe in the first one to even let me know about it. I regifted my wife one shortly after he was born and he is the only boy. Me and my second wife had a daughter that is six years older than him. If it was not for him I would not care where the ring went. If your dad did not ask for your brother he can kick rocks.
Yes, you are wrong, but not because of what your father did was acceptable, but because of how your response to his actions misses what matters in life.
What matters in life are deep, meaningful relationships to the people around you. Our family is fundamentally flawed, and often a mismatch with our own preferences as we don’t get to pick them ourselves. But exactly because of that they deserve many more chances than other people in our lives, and the depth of that particular bond has the potential of being more powerful and fulfilling that almost all other relationships.
The point of arguments is not to be right, but to get it right. You are focusing on being right (your father had an unreasonable request, wouldn’t see your view or retract) and not on getting it right (maintaining a deep and meaningful relationship with an important but flawed person in your life). I know. I went No Contact with my brother for five years because of his abuse when we were kids, and letting go of that resentment has been the greatest gift of my life.
Call your father. It will make the full span of your life immeasurably happier.
Your estranged father wants to propose to his girlfriend with the ring he gave his ex-wife who later gifted the ring to her child. It must be worth more than you think. He wants to sell it. Maybe put it in a safety deposit box. Edited to correct mom's alive status. Sorry, mom!
Or dad is a complete cheapskate who doesn’t want to shell out for a new ring
After all, he's been trying to get it all along. And how much could he care about this gf of his anyway? The two of them should pick out a ring together for him to gift her, not expect his ex-wife and or daughter to provide the ring! OP, your father is an emotional imbecile!
My brother is a cheap asshole and waited until he inherited one of my mother's rings to propose to his baby mamma. It wasn't for any sentimental reason that he waited, he's just so cheap spending his own money on things for other people that, if it cost him a nickel to shit, he would rather throw up. Our longest continuous conversation as adults, that included him initiating contact at least part of the time, was when I had given him a $50 giftcard that he was having trouble redeeming. The contact ended when things were resolved and it was 3-4 months before I heard from him again.
*He's so cheap spending his own money on things for other people that, if it cost him a nickle to shit, he would rather throw up.* 😂😂😂☠️
🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆 best one liner I've heard in a while, lol
Honestly, and I don't know if I should feel bad but this is likely the reason my dad wants the ring. It honestly probably isn't much but he thinks that it is and or just wants to save the money and was hoping I would cave like I normally do to avoid conflict.
I don't think we can judge without knowing his financial status.
Financial status means nothing. They can go to Walmart and buy an inexpensive set if they are struggling. A set doesn't have to be expensive.
And yet, he's being ridiculed for being cheap. So if he went to Walmart to get a cheap ring, he'd literally still be setting himself up to be called a cheapskate? Maybe he spent alotta money on the ring to the ex and he knows its still a valuable item that society would expect him to gift to her.
But it’s already been gifted from the owner (late wife) to the daughter. He no longer gets to claim it regardless of his financial situation.
In what world would ANYONE expect to ask for an ex's ring back to regift to a current partner? That makes zero sense. Cheap, sleezy, whatever you call him... this is gross behavior on his part.
Totally ridiculous expectation on his part. OP, you should have the ring appraised. That will likely tell you why he’s been trying to get it away from you for the last eleven years. Be sure it is somewhere that he wont ever have access to. I can’t imagine any woman being happy to receive the ring her fiancé had previously given to his ex-wife. That’s an insult.
Unless it's worth a metric shit ton of money and she knows it. Then she doesn't mind a little insult. Of course, this is all assuming she's a miserable gold digger (and I can't see any other reason a woman would agree to marry that loser).
Why do men give engagement rings?
That contract has already been fulfilled. Therefore he is no longer entitled to the ring. True we don’t know his financial status. he’s near retirement and asking for the ring several times over the years so one can deduce his desire to sell it. Why else would he want it? It’s unlikely his new wife would want an ex’s ring so he would have sold it and got her something different and kept the rest of the money for himself. He’s of the mindset that since he bought it belongs to him. He keeps asking for it. She shouldn’t have to tell him no more than once.
So the ring is payment for a contract? It's paying the woman to be in marriage? I believe it was traditionally thought of as a symbol representing impending marriage. If that symbol no longer represents anything, then its just something worth alot of money. If it was payment for a contract, then sure - contract fulfilled. But I believe it was traditionally for representational/symbolic purposes which means actually, whoever's left holding it just has alotta money. I think hes a bad dude cos this isn't a case of husband wants ring vs wife wants ring. His daughter - who has financially helped him multiple times - is in the equation and she finds it sentimental. Therefore, it's his daughters feelings on the line, not some spousal war and I think she should keep it. But idk, I grew up in poorer socioeconomic backgrounds and I see how hard people around me worked to buy their spouses engagement rings. I think it touched a nerve to see someone saying cos he wants it back and can't buy a new ring, he's a cheapskate, cos I just pictured the people around me who literally worked like dogs to get their wives (10+ years married, all five of them!) the rings that they desired? Apologies for letting my personal feelings come into it, making it look like the dads in the right. I will still get downvoted but I think the word 'cheapskate' just triggered me cos its like this guy is wrong but it felt like poor peeps were attacked for (in a different scenario, lets saying cheating) wanting back something that took alotta effort.
I just meant in legal speak that an engagement ring is a gift in contemplation of marriage. If you break up before you marry then the woman should always return the ring. In this case her mother married the father so the ring legally belonged to the mother. That’s what I meant by contract fulfilled. In divorce the wife gets to keep the ring, wear it, sell it, throw it in the river or as in this case, give it to her daughter. It now belongs to the OP. she can now do whatever she likes with it. The father has no rights to the ring. You can buy inexpensive rings. Mine wasn’t expensive but like you I grew up poor and I am not materialistic.
Yeah but these people worked and worked which naturally is fine, great even, but he literally wants a ring that he gave to someone years and years ago and then that person gave it to someone else years and years ago. He has no claim to that ring regardless of cost or how much he worked to get it. You said yourself you knew people that worked tirelessly to give the ring they wanted to give to their future spouse. Why is he not willing to do that for this woman
He's wrong for sure. His daughter financially aided him multiple times. But yeah, I got triggered by seeing the word cheapskate, I explained why further down but tldr: i just had flashbacks to how hard friends worked to get their spouses their engagement rings (all successful relationships/marriages touchwood!) and yeah, just got triggered, apologies
Thank you. I hope you are able to see this and I can totally see where you are coming from. I don't know how much my dad paid for the ring originally and I feel bad saying it but he honestly did not work often and has been on disability for pretty much over 20 years. From how my grandparents dynamics were with him, I wouldn't be surprised if they helped support in paying it. From what I know he never asked about the ring until he actually saw I got it and because I was typically easy to give in to requests from him, I think he expected I would just give it to him.
It’s no longer his. It was a gift. Which has been re-gifted. Why on earth should he feel entitled to it?
No way. In many places, an engagement ring is a conditional gift. The condition being the marriage happens. At that point, it becomes property of the one wearing it. My ex and I each kept our rings, and mine will go to our daughter. I don't care if she wears it, sells it. Whatever. Legality aside, it's a weird ask anyway! The girlfriend really wants to wear an ex-wife's ring? Most women I know would prefer to have a ring bought with them in mind. Even if it's less expensive, it was a symbol of the first marriage. He'd rather take a sentimental gift from his daughter to repurpose for his girlfriend ( under conditions of emotional blackmail 'you don't love me enough' ) than wait until he can afford a new ring or one that's less expensive. It's weird. I don't think it matters what his finances are. He's completely disregarding his daughter's feelings and express wishes to keep the ring. He's disregarding OP'S mom's wishes to gift the ring to OP ( and mom is likely the legal owner and person who SHOULD choose who the ring goes to ) and potentially even his girlfriend's wishes who probably would prefer a ring bought with her in mind. The problem is not about OP'S dad being cheap. It's that he's being a shitty dad and selfish in his continued pressure to get the ring back!
Yeah in most jurisdictions an engagement ring is a "gift given in contemplation of marriage" and need not be returned even if the engagement falls through, although sometimes it's definitely the right thing to do.
My mother is still alive. But I agree - it probably is worth something. Other rings I would receive over the years (even ones he gave me) he would sometimes ask for them back to change the settings for me (and again I still have most of those) but in the back of my head I always wondered if he would just wind up selling it.
Hmm. I wonder if he's been secretly changing out the gemstones with glass when he takes them?
Who knows..........
You can, if you take them to a jeweller...
Sadly that's where my mind went. Unless appraised most (I certainly wouldn't) know.
Maybe not glassssssss. But faux faux faux!
My first thought.
Not wrong. If you let him take any of those rings back I’d say there would be a 115% chance you’d never see them again unless you bumped into his gf and she was wearing them or you saw them at a pawn shop. I agree either way others to get the appraisal done.
Yes, I have seen many people say this and I didn't think of the insurance side of it - so I will be looking into that.
I’d wear it on a chain around my neck.
That is actually what I have done with it. I put it on the chain with my stepdads saint christopher medal necklace he gave me before he passed
Get it appraised for insurance purposes.
I never thought to do that actually. Thank you! I will look into getting that done. I know my mom probably did at one time but that was 12 years ago and things can depreciate and all that.
They can also appreciate. Sounds like your biological father knows what it's worth. That has to be why he wants it so badly.
Could be. Who knows with him.
Unfortunately, the diamond engagement and wedding rings are part of a scam. Only new ones are 'worth' anything. They sell at an inflated price. Once you try to resell the true value comes out. So he knows what he paid for it and thinks that is what it's worth and he wants that money back. So what I mean to say is don't get your hopes up about it's monetary value and remember it's worth as a keepsake.
You're absolutely right, I was separated and got in a hard spot and took my ring that had a lot of small diamonds instead of one big one to the jewelry store. They offered me 40$ for the same ring they charged me 250$ to replace one of the diamonds in that had fallen out just a couple of years before. Said they would just scrap it.
Perfect!
Safest place for it.
Where does it say the mom died? I read where her stepdad that she was close to died and she got a tattoo to commentate him and her dad was upset. Regardless OP you are not wrong.
You're right, I got mixed up with the step-dad and the grandma and the past tenses.
That makes sense. I apologize for the confusion and I added an edit to the post to clarify. Hopefully that helps.
Her dad's a class act.
Her dad's a class act.
Ok, his obsession with this ring is a bit weird. For security does he know where you live, does he have a key and do you have cameras?
I am not concerned about this. I live in a condo/apartment and he is not an overly healthy individual and isn't really capable of anything physical.
Is it possible the ring isn't real and he's freaking out because he swapped the stone out at some point?
Oh, there is a thought............
Have you ever gotten it appraised?
I have not. I know my mom did years ago but it has likely depreciated but I am looking into getting it appraised just so I know either way.
As my therapist said to me once, “it’s not about the cheese.” (I was saying it was silly to have a whole argument about cheese. It turned out it wasn’t about cheese, it was about whether he got to override my decisions about what I was going to do with my money. The answer was no, if I wanted to buy X cheese, I had the right to buy it, and it wasn’t about the cheese) This is not about the ring. This is about whether your father has the right to unilaterally demand from you a gift your mother gave you, so that he can replace her in his own mind with a new woman. (I proposed to some woman once with that particular thing, and I want to override every memory of her by rewriting it with a new proposal to New Woman with that exact same particular thing. I only care for daughter enough to emotionally manipulate her into giving me that thing for free) You are right to say no. If you didn’t care about the ring, you could offer to sell it to him for what you might be able to get for it, but definitely don’t give it to him free. But once he started the attempted guilt tripping, I would sooner grind it up in front of him than give it to him. “Dad, do you realize how whiny you sound? You would have whipped my butt when I was five for sounding like that. Grow up. “Poor me, you won’t give me what I want for free, I’m going to say you’re mean and you like my sister better Wah Wah Wah.” Geez. The answer is no, it’s mine, give Lulu her own ring not some recycled one you had to wheedle out of your ex-wife’s daughter and couldn’t anyway. Have some respect for yourself at least.” Edit: made your mom not dead
Not wrong. Your father is a dick.
Mom clearly divorced him for a reason(s). Though who initiated the divorce was not discussed, I think we get the picture.
My mother initiated. Reason I know this is that one day my brother and I came home from school my father was sitting in his chair in the living room and called us over and proceeded to inform us that our mother has told him to move out. Me and my brother then found our mom crying and she was upset beause they had agreed to wait and speak with us together.....
Your dad sounds like a selfish and manipulative person. He is the one who doesn't care about your happiness and this story alone about how you found out about the divorce is evidence enough by itself.
As I suspected, unhealthy behaviors on repeat. Must have been exhausting for the household. I hope you & siblings) can step aside from that 'relationship' and give yourselves permission to grieve and heal. Internet love and hugs. 🫂
Thank you. My brother and I are doing a bit better in our relationship and working to heal ourselves and mend the issues we have with each other. He personally still talks with our father but they always had a different dynamic but he understands why I don't.
Same. My brother is besties with Dad. I finally accepted that the behaviors were very much the same and just as unhealthy. I can't see the purpose of moving forward in the same tracks. I've cut all contact and social media availability to them as a group.
While I am in contact with my brother, I appreciate that I am not alone in cutting off other family members who enable the behaviour. Some I haven't cut complete ties to but it has strained the relationship due to all the dynamics going on.
So, definitely a dick.
This is not about the ring. You have been consistent that you like the ring as is and you want to keep it. He has been consistently belittling and disrespectful of you. HE wants it back ,HE WANTS you to get a different setting, HE WANTS to reuse it. I very much doubt his new gf wants an old ring. Is it just about the ring or is he this determined about everything in your life be about him and his needs.
His needs are generally the priority. I remember I was at work once and messaged me back to back saying it was an emergency and so in a panic I called him and he said he needed a ride somewhere....this was the emergency.....I started crying at work and went home.
If this is a new or much worse thing, get him tested for early dementia. If this is an ongoing think just ignore it/him. I had an aunt who was like this: would want to rehash everything little inheritance thing. It was exhausting. Like being up all those old feelings of loss. It’s like she didn’t know how to communicate unless she got something out of you. It’s sad she’s alone, but more peaceful post contact
It is not a new thing. Like you said - he wanted to rehash everything and every wrong doing to him.
My current GF is annoyed I still have/ use a coffee mug my ex gave me. I can only imagine the reaction if I tried to regift her an ex's engagement ring
That was also what I was thinking later when I had a chance to step away from the situation. I mean sometimes you keep things that are less significant but an engagement ring?!
The first question to ask is was the action of keeping the ring reasonable or unreasonable. The answer is, it was completely reasonable for you to keep it. Next step is to evaluate what happened next. Your dad kept making comments about it, asked for it, implied he had some type of right to it. All that seemed over the line and clearly against your wishes, yet he persisted. I don't see an issue with him asking once, but if you gave an answer, that should have been the end of it. He then switches to playing the victim and blaming you. When someone does that in my books, it shows how little they care, they would rather place blame than understand the other person. If your dad cared about you, he wouldn't have texted you those things. He would have respected your boundaries. He wouldn't have hinged his happiness on you choosing to keep YOUR ring. For me, the using the tattoo in a fight is the worst thing here, that is fucked up. Maybe if your father put effort into being a better dad, respecting you and your boundaries and spent less time comparing himself and being insecure, you'd still be talking. Although I am sure there is a lot more to this, based only on what you have shared, no, you haven't taken it to far.
The tattoo was hard because I know how my father could be and so before I even got the tattoo, I told him what I was planning and he said he understood because he knew that my stepdad was important in my life. Then we were having a tense conversation if you will and he threw that in my face to say essentially I got the tattoo to spite him.
What a cheapskate, asking his kid for his former wife's ring. His poor fiance, she must feel so second hand.
I don't think she knows and I have actually never met her. If she did know she probably would feel awful and that is also why like I commented on another message I don't think it is my place to cause any issues there, this is my father's 4th marriage
He has been trying to get that ring for 12 years now with various excuses. It is definitely worth a lot and he 100% wants to sell it. Put it somewhere safe!!
I mean it could be, but he is also only on disability and a smoker so it might only be worth like $50 but it is extra money.
NTA. I see why your mother left him and I feel sorry for the woman he's marrying.
Not wrong at all. Your Father gave up all rights to the ring when he gave it to your Mother as a gift. Once she received the ring, it was her property to do with as she wished. Your Mother chose to pass the ring onto you meaning that the ownership was even further away from your Dad. He’s either too tight because he wants a free ring or the ring is valuable and he plans to sell it. He may keep some of the money and get his girlfriend a cheaper one instead. Whichever is the answer he has no claim to it and he is trying to guilt trip you into handing it over.
I did question if I was wrong in the beginning but like you said, this was an engagement ring, which is a gift and she then decided to gift it to me - he had no 'claim' on it any longer.
Reading about him, I can definitely see why you liked your Stepdad so much.
You're not wrong for going no contact. I think you should clearly explain to him why though, perhaps in a letter. I agree with the others telling you to protect the ring. Keep it in a safe or even a safety deposit box.
I can understand maybe a letter. I just worry he thinks this opens communication or that it leads to another bought of things where he says things of "of course, I was a terrible father I guess".
Who proposes with a ring from their previous marriage? 😭😭😭 If you want to go no contact that is your right. People don’t always deserve to hold space in your life even if it’s a parent.
Your Dad totally DARVOed you, and from what I'm reading in your comments? Has done this consistently throughout your life. If you're already low contact? You may want to seriously consider going NO contact. He's been this way all your life. He's clearly a manipulative narcissist. What are the pros of having him in your life? More importantly? What are the cons? You are not wrong, but you are an adult. Adult you needs to protect yourself from your Dad the way child you could not. Best of luck to you. 🍀
Thank you.....I have been no contact since the, except for when we briefly spoke at my grandmother's funeral. Outside of that, I only get updates through my younger brother who still talks to him
Not wrong at all. Make sure the ring is in a safe place though
“My Precious”
This actually made me snort. Thank you for that.
I knew it would! You should give the ring that name. 🤣
I will have to workshop a few haha
OP, have a jeweler inscribe that on the inside of the ring!🤣🤣🤣
Your dad was being manipulative, narcissistic and immature and if anything he should be the one asking for forgiveness for his behaviour. How unbelievably petty and also CHEAP of him. I’m sorry.
I guess I asked the question if I was too harsh because that is the narrative from his side of the family. Where it is "he is your dad, he loves you, oh you know how he is". But seeing a lot of these replies, it is not good or generally 'normal' behaviour.
That’s called gaslighting and denial on their part. His behaviour is awful, and “you know how he is” is just minimizing and refusing to really look at the situation. I’m sorry this happened. I don’t think it’s harsh. Often going no-contact is necessary with narcissistic people and your dad is definitely one of them. Check out r/raisedbynarcissists
Dear you are not wrong...your father just want to use the ring to purpose to his new girlfriend... He is not thinking about your feelings at all... If he does he will never ask you for a ring...
Thank you. I had thought this 'conversation' had been over since I always said no and that I wanted to keep it but I guess he was just waiting for the next time.
Not wrong at all! Your father wants to propose to his GF with your mother’s ring? Like wtf?! Buy a new ring!!! And with everything else he’s said and done over the years, it’s best if you’re NC.
I sometimes just question as his side of the family also shares the sentiment of, but he is your father - you should let bygones be bygones. Essentially.
Just because he’s your father doesn’t mean he can step all over any boundaries you created or disrespect you. Don’t let people talk you into letting bygones be bygones unless YOU truly want to forgive and forget.
Thank you. I struggle every so often because it is family saying this to me.
Reusing an engagement ring? Ew. Ick. Has he tracked down the ex's wedding gown, too?
Hahaha, no. She had that in our basement forever and then donated it for the fabric to be used.
It sounds like your dad feels entitled to the ring when he isn’t. It became your moms when she married him and when they divorced. What makes me really believe no contact is the right decision is the fact he wants it to propose to another woman. Idk what his problems are but he doesn’t sound emotionally healthy.
Unfortunately, I don't think so either.
You're not wrong. It might seem like a "small" issue to some people, but it's more than just about the ring. He's also thrown your tattoo in your face and has been basically laying a guilt trip on you for your love for your stepdad and for not willing to part with the ring. It's pretty despicable, actually. At first, he acted like he would take it to get appraised for you. I wholeheartedly believe he never would have given you the ring back once it was in his possession. He then said he could have it arranged a different way for you. None of his lies worked, and then he has the audacity to ask you again for the ring so he can use it to propose to his gf! JFC. Yeah, I'd go no contact as well. It also seems like he only reaches out to you for the purpose of getting his hands on that ring. If I were you, I'd keep it somewhere safe. Maybe get a deposit box. Just in case.
I mean he would contact me for other things but he has made poor choices in life and then unfortunately was sick and never went back to work, I did get contacted very often to be his caretaker at a young age, so the ring was just part of the issue but it was the text I received and not being the first time being told that, that I finally was like you know what - you think that, then fine.
This is so weird. All other considerations aside, what woman would want to be proposed to with the same ring that he used to propose to his ex-wife? I suspect he just wanted to sell it and get his money back. Too bad. You are not wrong.
You know what....I honestly just thought he wanted it to propose but I wouldn't put it past him to just sell it and then give some story later as to why he used a different ring or why they decided not to use one.
I guess you can see why your mom divorced him..... you should too imo
You are discovering a side of your father that is self wanting. He obviously thinks he has a right to it to get claw back some money from the failed marriage. Forget about the nonsense over him wanting to re propose to another woman with it. You knocked back again and this time he has thrown up the manipulation to blame you and his importance in your life. It’s a pretty good indication of why the marriage failed . You’re fine to put your mooching dad in the back burner, not all parents are capable and able to make their own way through life without constantly taking from others.
By asking for something that is a family heirloom, so that he can use it to move on with another woman, he is being incredibly stupid. If he is a narcissist, as I expect, all that matters to him is that HIS needs are met. Also, narcissists a use US if having their shortcomings, a weird thing called projecting. When he says that you don’t care about his happiness, he is confessing that he doesn’t care enough about YOUR happiness. He is trying to use shaming blaming and guilt to take something from you that is yours. Because he wants it. Don’t give in to him and if it takes no contact to make that happen so be it
I don't believe it is a family heirloom, I feel I remember a conversation where he had mentioned he purchased it. Plus if it was a family Heirloom, my grandmother would never have stood for my mother keeping the ring after the divorce.
I would’ve just told him that I was saving him from getting in trouble with his girlfriend because most women would be PISSED if they found out a man proposed with his ex-wife engagement ring.
You should try to get word to the GF that he wants to propose to her using his ex wife’s ring.there would be some poetic justice in that but I’m petty as hell. You are absolutely not wrong.
Well they are married now - apparently. But as I have said before - I don't think it is my place to mess in that relationship.
NTA Does your soon-to-be stepmother KNOW that her soon-to-be fiance wants to give her his ex-wife's ring?? I do not know of a single person who would be okay with that. Your father is a fool and it's okay to go no contact.
You are not wrong for going NC with your bio dad. In fact, you should’ve done it long ago. Whether the ring is actually valuable in price, or not, he knows you have an attachment to it and he cannot stand for you to have it for that reason alone. And you say he’s been married 4 other times and it’s JUST with this mast one that he wants it to use it to propose to his latest victim? Nope. I would get it appraised just out of curiosity. It might be worth a lot of barely worth anything, but I think once you find out part of the mystery will be solved. If it’s pretty worthless in price, you know he’s just trying to deprive you of something you have a sentimental value over. If it’s worth more than a few bucks, it could be both.
He wants to give your ring to someone else!??? That's just icky and wrong on so many levels. You're not in the wrong, it's your ring.
My parents divorced and my mother gifted me her engagement ring from my dad for my 16th birthday. When dad remarried he wouldn't have dreamed of using my ring and my stepmother would never have accepted it. It was mine. Your father is a real piece of work. If you do love your stepfather more, it's his fault. BTW I gave the ring to my daughter for her 16th. She only has a son. I wonder how that hardworking man (age 26) would look wearing a tiny, ornate delicate diamond?
You're not wrong. This isn't about a ring. The ring doesn't actually matter here, it could be anything or nothing. This is about respect and boundaries. I should say- the ring rightfully belongs to you. It's generally agreed that the engagement ring goes back to the man if the engagement ends before marriage, but stays with the woman if they marry and then divorce. So it was rightfully hers, she gave it to you, it's now rightfully yours. He has no right to it. Someone who loves and respects you would understand that *it's not his ring to demand or expect.* He can ASK, but you're allowed to say no. So you blocked him because he's not respecting you. And that's a pretty good reason. A ring doesn't matter. Respect does.
If he thinks of it that way, then he doesn’t care about you, just possessing the ring I think he wants to sell it for quick cash because no self-respecting woman would want a ring that her man gave his first wife and took back from his daughter
What woman would want the same ring her fiancé gave his previous wife. He probably was going to sell it. Don’t give it back to him. Wear it in good health or sell it.
Have it appraised. Then offer to sell it to him
I like the way you think
Not a bad idea haha, but in all honesty - if it was worth something I would be keeping that money - I have spent enough time in my life helping him out financially every so often that I think I get to keep this lol
You totally do. Just the little dig to say it would make me smile lol
Not wrong. Now you understand why your mother divorced him. Your father is an ass.
He sounds greedy and cheap. Doesn’t sound like he puts in much effort in your relationship beyond asking about this ring anyway.
This was only one instance but the ring was the catalyst to stopping contact.
You have been no contact for 3.5 years. Has your life been happier without him in it? If so, you have your answer.
I mean I struggle with anxiety/depression but I don't have a panic attack regularly because I see him calling....so there is that.....
I hope his next wife knows he wanted to give her his ex wife’s sloppy seconds
If she does, he is the one who told her
Your dad wants to use the engagement ring from a failed marriage for his girlfriend? Isn't that bit of a faux pas? If I was his girlfriend and he tried to propose with his ex wife engagement ring I would not be happy.
I did think, isn't that like a bad omen or something. But this would have been his 4th marriage - I don't think he really cared about that
He’s been married twice since divorcing your mom? Did he want the ring around then as well? If not it seems super weird that this is the marriage he wants to reuse the ring.
Haha sorry, no he was married twice **before** my mom. My mom was the third marriage.
Oh! Lol. Did he use this engagement ring for those marriages?
TBH, I don't know that. My understanding was this was purchased for his marriage to my mom.
you havent gone to far,hes cheap and id have warned his future bride of his request!
I have never met her and I don't feel it is my place to throw anything into that relationship.
You are a very nice person,i would have thrown him directly under the bus🤣but im petty like that👍🏼
Haha, in my head I can be pretty petty but I never want to say or do something because there are people who can often get caught in the crossfire (if you will) and it is not fair to them.
I would put all your jewelry, specially the ones given to you by him, in a safety deposit box. I would state that only your mother could have access to it in case anything happened to you.
There's a zeitgeist term over in AmItheAsshole that I want to use here all the time but don't because lack of context (and I can't find the post): This is not about the Iranian Yoghurt.
In my country I Think the tradition is that you give back the engagement/wedding rings if the relationships end. But other cultures have different traditions on these matter. So it really depends on how you see the ring is it a gift or is it a pledge of love?
I guess the issue is also, he never said anything about it or cared about it (externally) until the ring was given to me.
I mean, yeah you’re a bit wrong. It does seem like an over the top reaction on your part. That’s not to say he’s not in the wrong as well, though. That was an unfair reaction for sure.
I guess if it was only about the ring but as others have said it seems really about my whole life with him and these types of behaviours.
Dad's being a cheapskate. He doesn't want to have to pay for a new ring when there's a perfectly good one just sitting there. Nope.
Thank you ❤️ unfortunately this has also led to rifts in me not talking with a lot of that side of the family…amongst other issues - families right? I wish things were different but one can only put up with so much.
Nope, not wrong. And the fact that he’s asking you for a gift from your mom to propose to his new girlfriend is gross. The same gift/ring that he proposed to your mother with. He’s either selfish or cheap, probably both. The emotional manipulation is the cherry on top here.
It seems a bit weird that you would speculate as to the purpose of your mom giving you the ring, instead of just asking her.
I mean, she did say when she gave it to me that it was mine to do with what I wanted and she gave the example or selling it or giving it to children if I had any. I was just about to go into university and so that is why I said she probably was thinking I would sell it to use what I got towards to tuition as every little bit counted.
You should tell your dad’s girlfriend about how he was so cheap he tried to get your mother’s engagement ring from you to give to her. She will think it’s a funny story.
I don't think that is my place and I don't want to open that can of worms.
You are a very nice lady. I forgot to add you are not wrong. Protect your peace!
Thank you and trying my best
I wouldn't. She'll want to see the ring and consider the offer.
Next time he asks, tell him something came up and you needed the cash quickly and sold it. Watch his reaction. That may settle it for you.
Go on eBay and buy him a $50 moissanite diamond and then ship it ti him Your best bet is to tell him you sold the other ring, or actually get it made into a pendant for a necklace That way you will end all discussions of the ring and any contention with your father. Life is short, if your dad is generally a good dad, you will regret no contact over something so petty when he’s gone. There’s no apologies after they’re gone. It’s hard. Was it his mom’s or grandmother’s ring? Maybe it had significant sentimental value to him too. If it’s just going to sit an a drawer, is it really worth it? Maybe get it appraised and offer it to him for the appraised value. Or the actual cash value. Use the money for something you will enjoy, or something you will wear.
You have only 1 Father and then he is gone forever
Seems like he is already gone. Gone loco for his new gf that is. He has zero right to ask for the ring back as OP’s mother did fulfill the contract of the ring by marriage. He is not due it back. He can ask. OP can say no. End of discussion. The fact he started with the emotional manipulation bs immediately shows how he is as a person. OP is well rid.
Unfortunately, when he is told something opposite from what he wants, there is always some story as to why his life is the hardest there ever has been
We all know people like that… everything they have done has been better/worse/more important bla bla bla. Good for you for figuring this out and not being manipulated by it
It took a while.
My dad tried to kill me & my kids & my husband on a tweaker rampage 1 week after my mother died. That saying is only true for good people.
Oh my god, I am glad that you and your family (from how I read you message) are still here. I am sorry about your mother.
Yep we're all good now, and thank you. Just please don't listen to the goof saying you only get one father. Late in life adoptions are real as i & my uncle call it 🤣
Haha yes, I have some friends who I met in schooling who are older and while I have my mom still they treat me like one of their own kids too.
That’s not always a bad thing, being gone forever. Sometimes one is too many.
Yes, and I had great experiences with my stepdad when he was still alive
A good stepparent is worth 100x or more than a bad parent.
This is what people do say to me, however, I had a great relationship with my stepfather.
And good riddance. Mine was an abusive alcoholic who beat the crap out of every woman he was with until he found one that fought back. We lived in the same town for two decades of my life, and I rarely heard from him. Blood related doesn't mean you have to want them in your life.
I have a tattoo I got when I was 18 and at the time it was ingrained in me to say Family Always but I want to update that tattoo to say Family is not Alwasy blood.
I’d say try to reconnect, warily. It was wrong for your father to assume you’d just give up something of significant financial value, to be used for a purpose that insults your mother. And the words which followed your refusal are even worse. But still, it is in your own long term best interests to have your father in your life, rather than not in your life. But only if he would be grateful for your forgiveness.
I worry about this though because this behaviour is behaviour that he has shown from the time I remember.
It’s up to you. Not sure it will help. But at least you would know you tried.
Why it is in her best interest to have a deadbeat loser in her life just because he gave her 50% of her DNA?
Because you only have two parents and if you can re-establish a relationship that’s the best possible scenario?
Trying to re-establish a relationship with someone who showed repeatedly that they are toxic just because they are your parent is counter-productive and akin to masochism. Better only one parent or not parent at all than that.
I have been married this time for almost 12 years. First marriage lasted 3 years and left what ever I decided to leave to my ex and my then step-daughter that ring. Got engaged with my daughters mom and realized that it would not work because of her. She gave her ring to our middle daughter (3 daughters for those who needed the assist lol). The only ring that I asked for back is the one that I gave my second wife is because my father gave it to my mother and we are saving it for our son. I wanted to make sure that he has it to give when the time is right and like my mother didn't believe in the first one to even let me know about it. I regifted my wife one shortly after he was born and he is the only boy. Me and my second wife had a daughter that is six years older than him. If it was not for him I would not care where the ring went. If your dad did not ask for your brother he can kick rocks.
No, it was not for my brother at all (any of the times before this). Honestly, my brother could care less about stuff like that.
Yes, you are wrong, but not because of what your father did was acceptable, but because of how your response to his actions misses what matters in life. What matters in life are deep, meaningful relationships to the people around you. Our family is fundamentally flawed, and often a mismatch with our own preferences as we don’t get to pick them ourselves. But exactly because of that they deserve many more chances than other people in our lives, and the depth of that particular bond has the potential of being more powerful and fulfilling that almost all other relationships. The point of arguments is not to be right, but to get it right. You are focusing on being right (your father had an unreasonable request, wouldn’t see your view or retract) and not on getting it right (maintaining a deep and meaningful relationship with an important but flawed person in your life). I know. I went No Contact with my brother for five years because of his abuse when we were kids, and letting go of that resentment has been the greatest gift of my life. Call your father. It will make the full span of your life immeasurably happier.
Oh FFS!
No. Her dad DARVO’d her and his behaviour is narcissistic and unacceptable. Don’t be an apologist for an overgrown baby.