Ynw, the age gap problem is generally for half baked grown ups, for example, late (but legal) teens, or early 20 somethings. I've never judged those 30 and over being with older partners/dates. You're old enough to know what you're doing. I think you're good, plus, you picked him up, lol.
It’s about life stages I think. There’s a massive difference between working full time and being at uni. But there’s not much between two proper adults.
Exactly.
Most people are wary about even smaller age gaps in very young people. 14 and 18 is illegal in most places. 16 and 22...what would a non creepy 25 year old see in a 16 year old? They are at completely different life stages. It's concerning and a lot of people singling out people under 25 to date are abusive or creepy, and lplimg for someone they can manipulate and control because they do not have any life experience.
By your late 20s and 30s, in theory unless you were brought up in a nunnery you should have worked for a while, be able to live independently and look after yourself and have probably had a few relationships. You're going into it with experience and confidence you wpuldnt have had aged 20.
Now, most 30-40 year old women won't be happy with 50-70year old men - there will be HUGE issues with libido and being at different life stages and what you both want out of life. But it's much less likely to be creepy. Realistically you're much harder to take advantage of at that age than aged 18.
I see what you mean. We do not presently have any issues with libido, but I recognize that could change in the not so distant future. Definitely some longer term concerns
And to be fair, it might not be an issue for you guys! There are older jen with very high libidos and young women with lower ones, I just meant that on the whole big differences in age can have practical issues for a lot of people. But not necessarily everyone!
She's found a dude who understands her work schedule because his is just as difficult, and they're making it work. Don't ditch him because everyone else sucks
Or it comes from people that could never pass for being younger than they actually are and in fact they probably look 10 years older, bald spot, beer belly, low T, and genuinely out of shape and out of touch with current music movies, pop culture etc.. It's jealousy really imo.
They will soon have a serious age gap issue. He is at least 55. I'm 61. Most people my age are talking about retirement. Many people at my age are looking at knee replacement surgery. They are having cataract surgery. They are getting heart stints. She needs to be prepared for that type of life while still very young.
He’s 56 and in great health, but we’re not really thinking long term. He’s a musician- most people in his field slow down on touring and things but don’t stop working as in writing, performing, giving lessons. But I hear you. It’s certainly a potential complication.
…? Wdym “okay”? I’m genuinely asking what ynw means. Unless you’re being dismissive bc you actually did meant it to mean ykw. Then ig that makes sense.
Not at all. You're fine. You are a fully grown adult making your own choices.
Age gaps aren't a problem exactly on their own. It's the experience level of the youngest person in the partnership that determines if the gap proves to be ok or gross.
I am really overly protective about inappropriate age gaps with unacceptable power dynamics. This is not one of those cases.
An inappropriate age gap, for example, would be an 18 year old fresh out of high school and a 30 year old. Vastly different places in life, brains aren't at the same stage of development, and the power imbalance is clearly skewed.
Now, take that 12 years and apply it to a 32 year old and a 44 year old and it's perfectly acceptable. They are both at the same level of maturity, have the same potential for careers, etc.
The gap doesn't matter - it's the life stages.
As long as you feel safe and not coerced in any way, don't listen to anyone who is giving you grief.
He's 20 years older than her so in his 50's. As long as he's in good health and takes care of himself there shouldn't be a problem. She's mature not some naive 20 year old. And they're just dating.
OP, go and have a good time. Be on the lookout for red flags, as you should in any relationship. But otherwise, enjoy the relationship.
I would say it’s a long-term problem. Let’s say OP and their soon to be boyfriend hit it off. They get married and do the whole “life thing.” In thirty years, OP’s hubby dies and OP is… 65. She’s got 20 years or more without her hubby. It’s more a question of “is she OK with this inevitable future?” (Yes, it’s technically possible she does when she’s 60, but barring unforeseen circumstances, or even taking probabilities of major health crises into account, the chances are the guy dies first and many years before OP does.)
It's a shorter term problem if she wants kids. I haven't come across a comment about it yet but at 55 he is getting a bit old for his sperm to be making good kids and he's getting a bit old to be raising said kids too. If she doesn't want kids she's probably fine but their life states are still different in the fact that she is still in prime "starting a family" years if she wants to do so, and his ship has kind of sailed.
That was the point of they could die close to each other. But probability states that she’ll outlive him by decades though. So it’s a strong concern. And that’s the reason anecdotal evidence isn’t very useful.
I've had uncles die where the aunt has a lot of years left to live, and there was no big age gap in the relationship. So I think the chances of that happening are high, if there was an age gap or not?
On average it’s six years difference between men and women (men~75, women ~81) in the US. But if you do the math for OP, she’s 60-65 when this guy hits the average death window for men. She then has 20 years (ish) before she hits her average death window. Plenty of time to meet someone new, but that’s her most likely scenario. So she has to be ok with that idea as it’s extremely likely to occur.
My spouse is 8 years younger than me. He’s a higher wage earner, but I feel it’s important to get good health insurance, life insurance, mortgage insurance, etc etc so that if I pass before him (higher odds because age gap) then at least the house is paid off and he doesn’t have the financial piece to worry about.
Late 30's? Date who you want. You're a whole ass grown up.
Though, Reddit isn't the place to ask because they have a hard on for hating on any kind of age gap, even one like yours.
Next time someone gives you shit, ask them specifically what the moral issue is. Guarantee they won't be able to come up with one that isn't a gross and blatant assumption like the daddy issues thing.
Yep, and they get extreme about it too. I once saw a commenter called a predator because he was dating a 24 year old woman at 28 years old. Their entire rationale was that he was over 25 and her under, so her brain wasn't "fully developed".
You are quite correct. But it wouldn't be a complete comment section without the contrarians declaring what the rest of us think, as if we're not individuals.
They can touch grass, kick rocks, yell at the clouds, whatever. You’re a grown up, as long as it’s legal, do what you want. My GF and I are almost in the same boat, I’m 15 years older than she is. Yeah, there’s been a few comments about it, but fortunately for the commenter they’ve never been serious about it.
You've been an adult for a while now, so has he, who gets to decide who works for you or who doesn't.
The only thing that might be slightly concerning is if the only men you ever found attractive were 20 years older or for him if he wouldn't date anyone older than 39 even though he is in his 50s, but even then that would be your own business and not for others to judge you on.
As to the guy who cut you off, I suspect he still had lingering feelings for you.
I think about all the issues I've had and people I know have had in relationships and age gaps come so low on the list of problematic. In a world where it is so hard to make connections, enjoy it when you do. People making judgements on this have their own issues.
There is nothing wrong with it if it works for you. People can be, and generally are, opinionated assholes that should be ignored because they are not the ones living YOUR life and they will happily move on to the next topic once they ruin it.
I don't think she's overthinking it so much as being harassed by lots of people in her and his life. It can't be easy to deal with. Clearly all those people do give a fuck, unfortunately.
There is nothing wrong with it at all. You are both consenting adults & that’s all that matters.
I will point out a few things my mother learned with her 2nd marriage & a 17 yr difference.
- she became his care giver & it was alot of work & isolating.
- he became old at 70-75 & her life changed (he went to bed early & expected her to), mobility issues, memory considerations, didn’t want to travel, she did all the driving
- he got stricken with Parkinson’s & it was awful for both of them but she became house bound at 62 & widowed at 65 & had horrible issues with his kids being accusatory over the estate. The caregiving exhausted her (his kids did nothing & barely visited)
She felt cheated because they didn’t grow old together, he grew old on her & she was faced with growing old alone or a 3rd marriage. But their first 10 years were great tbh
Once you're like, 35, almost any age gap is fine. 35 and 45? Completely fine. 35 and 60? Not an issue. 35 and 87? A little odd, but not my business. It isn't my business who anyone else dates within reason, and anyone who cares about a 35 year old dating a 55 year old is a loser.
Yeah, at 35, the worry isn’t anyone being predatory. At most the worry is do you want kids & or are you willing to take care of them when they’re in need of care and you’re nowhere near that age.
I don't think there's anything wrong with your age Gap I'm super biased my wife is 14 years older than me. With the woman in my situation being the older person the situation is quite different on both sides it was really pushed as a conquest. But even those comments annoyed this shit out of me. For me most of those comments died down once people seen us interact and they saw that there was more than just the age Gap.
It's not like you're a college kid. You're a grown up woman who has lived life a bit. If you two are happy, that's all that matters. A friend of my husband's is in his early 60s and met a woman in her early 30s. He had concerns about her age, but they are so deeply in love. They glow when they're around each other.
Enjoy the relationship and see where it goes.
I used to have reservations about age gaps for legal adults, at the end of the day if someone passes consent and the other respects boundaries then I have no qualms. The problem with age gaps is the distribution of late teens/early twenties with 10+ year gap relationships has a much higher potential for abuse and people form their judgments about the mean of that distribution.
I think people are grossed out by 20 somethings or older dating someone in their late teens - I can't blame them, that dynamic can easily be abused and it often doesnt make sense in terms of their different aspirations and life experience. However, I've also known success stories of grandparents who met with those age gaps and are still together. We live in a different generation, but we draw the arbitrary line of adulthood at 18 and I think we should respect them to make their decisions. People need to mind their own business/boundaries if someone isnt being harmed.
I’ve seen (and experienced) more abusive/unhealthy age gap relationships for early/mid 20s with early 40s. That doesn’t mean they’re all like that. But there is a certain volume of people who never date their age after 35-ish because people their own age won’t take their shit. I feel the late teens to 20s can also be predatory but maybe those people are both still growing in some way. Whereas a 40-yo that just serial dates 23 year olds has found their place in the dating scene and aren’t going to change/grow much. That’s all anecdotal out my butt tho.
No, you’re not wrong. I’m in an age gap relationship. Only a 9 year difference. When people act like that I just chalk it up to jealousy or envy. Some people see romantic partners as resources and they don’t like it when one goes off the market.
I think you are more than old enough to date whomever you choose. You are in your 30's and grown. I will be 37 this year and my partner will be 48. I have always been attracted to older men though. People are always going to have something to say. You are not in your early teens/20's. If he makes you happy, and you him... Go for it!
No. You’re in your late thirties. You get to do what you want, and someone right now is screenshotting your post so they can write a romance novel based on it. Or someone is at least screenshotting it to ask for recs based on it.
It sounds like you understand that this is casual. Enjoy it.
This was my thought, though maybe more than a few years. 38 and 58 is much different than 58 and 78. It's not wrong but could be very sad depending on how he ages.
you're fine. just be aware that he's pretty close to retiring which will be a VERY big shift in relationship dynamic on top of him probably dying before you by a lot.
no, you’re fine. you’re a fully grown adult, and you met as a full adult. your brain is long past developed, and there are no issues with the power dynamic. i think the age gap would only be wrong if he was your boss or something, then there might be cause for concern.
I met my husband of 32 years when I was 30 and he was 49. While some people questioned it at first, they have since changed their tune. You do what you want. If you're enjoying yourself, don't worry about what others think.
I'll be honest. A youtber I watch broke it down very easily. When you're going through adolescence, there is a striking difference between a freshman in university and a freshman in college. Even if the age difference is like three years. I just feel drastically different cause you're being exposed to different things and are different stages of life.
Those two people almost feel worlds apart in terms of maturity or whatever. That being said, I do think it is a lot different when you're in your mid twenties, thirties, or whatever. I think the biggest factor to consider is what of stage you are life you are at. And I know I'm about to contradict myself but heat me out. If you're 45 and you're worried about generational wealth and mortgages and you fall for 24 years old At the club. Those just feel like different people. And sometimes " mature" for your age means the other person might not be mature enough for their age. I don't have a clear answer for you. But I think it's your asking these questions. I wouldn't say so, but at the end of the day, that decision is made solely for you. We can advise you here on reddit. But we don't have to bear responsibility for your actions. Use them for insight, but take it a grain of salt.
In particular, with your case, people are always going to be judgemental. If you dated someone your age, but he was ugly, then they would complain. If he was shorter or less experienced or maybe a certain personality trait, like combativeness, might make him less attractive to the general public but not to you. There's always going to be a reason for someone to hate your choice. And as long as he respects, treats you, you guys have similar values and etc. It seems you guys are very compatible due to occupation and lifestyle. And that's something that's also important in a relationship.
I think generally age gaps are looked down upon for those who aren't yet old enough or have fully developed brains. Based on what I've read anyway. Once you're there you can do what you like as far as I can tell.
I’m 51 and look like 65 so I’m younger than your boyfriend and look older. Age gaps don’t mean a thing as you get older because adults like who they like
To me, 20 years is a bit much. Basically, it’s two different generations. Outside of sex, what is there in common? Hey, you remember this song from 1985? I’ve never heard of them. Lol. I couldn’t do it personally, but to each their own. My ex wife was 8.5 years younger than me. Even at the time when we met 33/25, I felt like it was pushing it. Good luck OP.
I’m actually obsessed with 80s and 90s music, it’s what we initially started talking about actually. I’m mostly just jealous of all the shows he’s seen. I get your point though! There’s definitely some interesting generational differences between us.
I gotcha. I wish you and your new relationship all the luck. Be careful, as I think as the years go on, it could become an issue, should you all reach that point. Again, best of luck to you.
I’m in similar situation atm, mid 30s dating a mid 50s man. The looks I get annoy me sometimes too, mostly from women his age but not only. Right now I’m improving a new skill - shutting off peripheral vision when out lol. At the end of day you should accept the opinion of who you care most about, ideally you first and your closest loved ones second.
I asked myself is he’s what I want in a partner, do we have a good connection and communication, is he accountable for his actions, sets healthy boundaries and respects mine? Do we have fun quality time together, does he show me he loves me and sees me loving him, is he there for me if I need him?
Also asked if I am in a good place for this relationship? Can I give what I’m asking for? How much does the opinions of others bother me? Luckily, closest people around me just want me to be happy and have treated him like any other guy I’ve dated before - assuming he’s nice until proven otherwise. And considering it’s been proven in the past they were guarded with my best interest in mind. Seeing how he makes me feel and how respectful he is got everyone relieved…including me!
In my case for the first time ever, he ticks those boxes and I’m working at and ticking mine. Not sure how rose tinted my glasses are but it feels amazing not being anyones mom and being a priority for your man. Not saying all men, just saying I usually got bad taste in men lol.
I love my older man, he makes me feel loved, protected and appreciated and I do my best to do the same for him. Fuck other people, you don’t share most of your time and life with them. You do with your partner.
So choose what makes you happy cause otherwise when you’re old you’ll be real bitter living the life other people told you to and not having had joy. You won’t get a “my bad, didn’t mean to ruin you life” either, at most you’ll get a “you could’ve done otherwise if you really wanted to” instead and it’s ultimately true. As long as your life doesn’t affect other peoples life, why do they get to affect yours?
So you do unapologetically you!
I've always wondered why the age gap issue was an issue. It's no one's business but the two people in the relationship. If they don't care and love each other enough to maintain their relationship, it's no else business or concern. I've always heard age is just a number. If that's true, why is there an age gap issue? Maybe I'm being too logical or straightforward. That, unfortunately, is how I am.
Question- what do you want in your life?
When your 40- he’s 60
When your 50- he’s 70
Kids? Travel? These are issues. This will affect you. Babies? Sex? Health?
I kind of mentioned it but we are viewing this more causally. I was widowed young and lost interest in the wife and kids thing. It’s no longer something I’m interested in. I have focused on working, traveling, and pursuing my interests. He has a nontraditional career with tons of travel. We’re both very independent people who are happy with our lives and enjoying spending time together for the time being. I get what you mean though.
You have nothing to worry about here. You are not developing adolescents or twenty something's. You are two grown consenting adults and, quite frankly, those taking issue are crossing the line. Those taking issue publicly and causing you embarrassment are downright out of line and should be told so.
You are in no way wrong. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You are more than capable of making decisions for yourself.
IMO
There is an age when you are a grown woman of sound mind making her own choices.
Theoretically that's the concept of the age of consent. I accept that there's socially a more complex formula. But I still think the concept is valid.
And IMO by 30 any woman of normal IQ and not under duress has passed that age.
People need to mind their own fucking business.
That’s valid lol but I did start taking to him first and mentioned my age. He told me he wouldn’t have asked me out if I was much younger but who knows.
There is a very big difference between this and a 19-year-old dating a 39-year-old. You’re both fully-formed, developed-brain independent adults.
This isn’t a situation where an older person is deliberately intrigued by “innocence” or finding someone who is easy to manipulate.
Probably be downvoted for this but you sounded like you actually wanted an answer.
There is nothing wrong with this relationship per se but people will judge because you are basically punching down. You could find just as good a partner closer to your age if you wanted but he could not because nobody his age will likely be as attractive as you. People will assume you're attracted to his money and status while he only likes your looks.
And honestly, would they really be wrong? Why isn't he dating someone his age? What drew him to you besides your body? Be honest with yourself
To some degree I’m sure you’re right about being attracted to my looks, but it’s not like at pushing 40 I don’t have a very developed personality, sense of self, and full life. We share a lot of interests and fell into conversation about them very easily when we met. He’s not wealthy. Status eh a bit. He’s a musician, certainly not famous unless you’re into some very niche stuff but has worked with a lot of well known people. I certainly feel like a bit of a stereotype in dating an older ‘rockstar’ from time to time lol. I won’t downvote you, I know what you’re saying.
You have some crappy friends if they are saying that. They aren’t your friends. I dated somebody 20 years older than me a few times in my life, and my friends never once ever said anything about me dating an older man.
A friend got married to a guy who was five years older than she. I jokingly ask her if he was a cradle robber, but she responded that she was a grave robber. I might think that he was a cradle robber if he was in his mid 30’s and you had just turned 20. Because of your age, I think you are mature enough to decide what is too old. Good luck with your relationship.
Not at all I’m 30 and would date typically between 26-45 without issue. To me it’s more about being open minded, personality and energy level. Honestly if I met a particularly attractive person a tad outside that range it’s not a hard line for me, at least on the older side. Like someone lived, that I can learn from is super attractive and dope, especially if they still enjoy learning, growing and experiencing. Helen Mirren, for instance, is one of my celeb crushes; intelligent, talented, consistently learning and fucking gorgeous.
If opinions of my friends were getting to me I’d question if they know me at all and have a conversation to see if it’s over something so shallow. If their reservations had deeper merit, like that person is at a stage were they just wanna sit around and waste away and you’re in a different space in life, that I’d understand or the other person is just fetishizing your youth and you’re settling because you’re tired of being single or something those conversations I’d have with a friend or my siblings. If their concerns are for your well-being and my relationship with them has been important and mutually caring etc I’d have those difficult conversations and thicken my skin a bit. If you live your life a way that feels like actually living people are gonna get rubbed the wrong way occasionally or at least raise an eyebrow
Who cares what other people think? Why do you? Is it important to you to seek approval from others? Pursue happiness…let others think what they will of it. A lioness does not concern herself with the opinion of sheep.
>I met his sister when she was in town and she didn’t try to hide making a grossed out face when she met me.
What the fuck is this? Everyone around you sounds horrible. YNW
Are you an adult? Are you capable of making decisions for yourself? If the answer to both is yes, then you are free to pursue a relationship with any other adult who can answer yes to those two questions. There is nothing wrong with the age gap as long as you are comfortable and happy with the person.
No. The reason why age gaps for 19 and 25 are iffy is because the maturity level of a 19 year old is incredibly dubious, and much easier to manipulate. A 25 year old going after a 19 year old makes them former's intentions incredibly suspicious.
Most people in their late 30s have enough maturity and life experience to not be easily manipulated, and the kind of people who prey on youthful naivete know this - that's why they don't go after them very often.
It can work, but be aware that you will almost certainly spend many years taking care of him in his old age while you are still prime, there is a 90% probability that he will die way before you do, leaving you quite alone.
These concerns do not matter at all at this phase of your life. They will matter a lot later. My mother was 15 years younger than my dad and her cousin was 20 years younger than her husband. My great grandmother was 25 years younger than her first husband, and 26 years older than her second, so that worked out. Ha.
You are both well into adulthood and the age gap isn't really an power play or manipulation issue anymore. But do think of how you will seriously outlive him. My grandparents were the same age and grandma still out lived grandpa by 30 years.
My husband is 9 years older. I have always looked younger than my age. We've been together since 1981.
A few times, people asked if I was his daughter. I think it's funny, his ego doesn't.
You are far past the age of anyone worrying about you being groomed. That is the biggest concern most people have about age differences. The balance of power is off. If you find each other attractive, go for it. "We don't care what other people think of us. "💖
You are in your 30s so at that point, you know you are okay with an older man and that's fine. Other people might think it's weird, I know it won't be in my taste, but if you are happy and both of you treat each other well, I hope you have fun! There is a difference between a 40 year old dating a 20 year old than a 30 year old dating a 50 year old. 20 year old is still learning so much about life and still growing up. By 30, you've grown up enough to make your own choices with your fully developed brain.
There’s nothing “wrong” with it. It would be weird for me because my mom is 20 years older than me - I’m your age and she his. But that’s just a personal thing that may not apply to you or bother you.
The big question is - you’re a millennial and he’s cusp of boomer/gen x. My spouse is younger millennial and I’m elder millennial and there’s a decent gap in shared history/culture/references/etc. My ex-husband was gen x and it became very obvious that those shared lexicons help create shared understandings and views and just straight up things to do/talk about as other relationships elements devolved. A two generation gap is quite a lot to surmount to find enduring common ground. I think this is especially true for millennials because of where the internet age falls in our early development. He was about your age when the internet really spread to the masses. You were an adolescent. (It blows my mind to think about the changes the world has gone through in the last 25 years - just wow!) But that doesn’t make your relationship wrong, just a (possible) hurdle if you’re looking to be together longer term.
All of that said, who cares. Relationships are about finding warmth and acceptance and support from people that treat you with respect and care. If you’ve got that, enjoy it. That’s a beautiful thing and should be cherished where it’s found. Maybe it’s a short term fling or maybe you share fundamental commonalities that bridge the gaps of time. I’m sorry you’ve been getting shade - it’s a decision for you and him at this age and stage in life. People need to mind their business. I will close with - my age gap relationship drew shade (I was 20s and he was 40s tho) and it pushed me into hunkering down as the cracks in his mask started to appear, which was bad for me long term. If you decide to continue to invest in the bond, try not to do that! You don’t have to prove anything to anyone
I feel you for sure. Yeah he’s an older x-er. I’ve always kind of vibed with that generation for whatever reason. My parents are 10 years older than him so yeah it’s a bit odd but he feels closer to my age than to theirs somehow.
After your 20s the age gap doesn't mean as much IMO. After you're 30 you're pretty established in 'who you are'. Before that the age gap feels more like manipulation by the older person, though that isn't always the case
Think the formula works out so you are good.
(Age/2)+7
55/2+7= 34.5.
That is the youngest the guy should date for his age. You slide right under. Nobody else has to enjoy his company but you! And you are! It's a beautiful thing, so enjoy it!!
Edit: typo
The age gap isn't that much of an issue for me since there was no prior "grooming" from the guy... but the thing is, if you are looking for something long term, maybe this guy is not it.
When you hit your 50s, he will be at his 70s/80s. As a person that took care of grandparents (plural), you will likely be a caregiver at this point instead of doing fun things with a partner. Also, given that women are more likely to live longer, what if he buys the farm while you are in your 50s/60s, at that point you have something like 15 to 20 years left on this Earth and if you still want a partner at that point, dating will be much difficult.
Funny cus everyone said this to my mom due to their 20-year age gap. My dad was HER caregiver, and she passed at 70. He died at 90 shortly after, his healthndeteriorated after her passing. He loved her and cared for her. You never know whose health will go down first even with a 20 year gap
You're a grown ass woman well into your adulthood, so no, the age gap is not wrong, because at this point it's not about an imbalance of power like, say, a 40 year old dating a 20 year old. Obviously, there CAN be issues with an age gap relationship like yours, mostly when it comes to having kids, but also other long term plans (marriage, retirement, etc). But as long as you're aware of these, which you seem to be, and are both on the same level about such things, it's fine.
Eh, it’s perhaps a little strange, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it if you’re both happy. Age gaps that are an issue are because of power dynamics, whether that be financial, life experience, life stability (housing), grooming situations, etc. At late 30’s+, that dynamic isn’t really at play as you both ostensibly have more similar life experience and stability and there’s less risk of one party manipulating the other.
I can't tell you how many times I've seen a post like this & nearly everyone criticized the person for it. So it's kinda crazy seeing the comments. On another note, I wouldn't say it's wrong, just some people don't like it. It's not something I could imagine for myself. But if you're both happy, do you. You two are the only ones that matter. If you can't handle the remarks & the looks, you'll have to grow thicker skin. Don't give up your happiness bc other people can't deal. Anywho, I wish you happiness. You only live once. Be happy.
I'm inclined to say who cares. Yall are adults. Age gaps only really worry me when it's someone specifically targeting a younger person to predate on them either taking advantage of nievety or Financials w/e.
Two people genuinely getting along and being on the same page that just happen to have an age gap? Noone else's business.
I don't think it matters much after 30. You're pretty much dead inside by then. (Joke reddit calm down) Do whatever makes you happy. 30 and 50 doesn't sound weird. But for some reason 20 and 40 does.
Odd isn't it?
Not really. Someone who is twenty or early twenties is only a few years out of high school. A forty something year old man dating someone in that age range is vastly different than someone in their thirties with life experience and maturity.
Yea that's what I meant. What a difference 20 and 30 is. But at 30 starting a relationship isn't weird with a 50 year old. But a 40 year old dating a 20 year old imo is not okay.
As long as he didn't lie or insinuate he was younger, all good. Stop caring what other people think because they're judging you from a place of their insecurities.
Both of you are fully grown adults. Age gaps in relationships can sometimes draw unsolicited opinions, but the most important thing is how you and your partner feel about each other and the relationship. If you aree happy and feel respected and valued, that is what truly matters. It isn't wrong and go for it!!!
You're almost 40, you can date who you want. You're a fully formed adult. Age gaps are problematic when we're talking about the younger person being in their teens or early 20's. At your age it really shouldn't matter.
My mother was 24 years older than her husband when they married. 36 years later, they're still together. Let love not age be the decider. (Yup, I'm older than him. And he's a great guy.)
People on reddit usually freak out here about age gaps. As long as they are grown, no biggie. My parents were 20 years and were together 46 year until my mom passed and he followed a few months later. She was in her 20's and him 40s when they got together
You're well into your 30s and you know yourself more than anyone else. You're both ok with it and it's up to you two. No one else gets to have their say.
Since you are late 30s, I think it's more of a reflection on HIM. Why is he dating so much younger... does he not want to date women his own age?
I'd be worried about him being misogynistic or objectifying women. Especially since you look younger.
No, it's not horrible. But it is kinda gross to be dating a man old enough to be your father.
It’s so hard to find people you enjoy being around, adding the extra complication of an “appropriate” age range limits the chances even more. If you are experiencing any joy or pleasure in this life, don’t let anyone make you question it.
You're both grown ass adults. I dated a man twenty years older than me for awhile and we had great chemistry. Some people thought it was weird but the ones who mattered just wanted us each to be happy.
Not wrong. If the age gap doesn't bother you or him in the context of your actual relationship, that's all that matters. You're both fully grown adults and can do what you want, as long as it's not hurting anyone.
There's way too much hatred of age gap relationships nowadays, anyway. I don't know anyone with a 20 year gap, but I know a lot of people with a gap of between 9-11 years. My sister, for instance, is 10 years younger than her husband, and they're perfectly happy, have 4 kids between them plus a dog. No one batted an eye about the gap because it was really pretty normal.
20 years is more noticeable, but noticeable also isn't reliable. I mean, you guessed he was younger than he was, so he doesn't look his age anyway. People probably only work out the gap because you also look younger than you are. If you looked your age, they'd guess a much smaller gap. A lot of people look older or younger than they actually are, you can never actually be sure what, if any, gap in ages there is unless you know the age of both partners for sure.
But 20 years is fine, a tad unusual, but not wrong, not if you're both happy.
Do your best to ignore the comments, these people aren't the people you're dating, their opinions are irrelevant as long as the two of you are happy. Don't mind the jokey comments, just take those as a bit of fun and not something serious.
I had two coworkers get together when they were 37 and 61. 18 years later they are very happy. At first I wasn’t sure but after spending a day with them doing outdoors stuff I saw how much they fit.
If people are going to be asses, that’s on them. Just be happy!
Just sounds like you both need new friends 😂 and nc w the family, fk that, unless the sister has a daughter or child ur age, she should sit tf down and get over it 🤷🏻♀️
Have you heard of the classic formula age/2 + 7?
You're officially in the clear! Anyone under 60 is fair game lol
The point of that formula being: The older we get the less shits we have to give about what other people think. Also the maturity gap closes. Someone who is 30 dating a 20 year old is like dating a child. They haven't figured out life yet, picked a career, had serious relationships, or even finished their degree. You both have established careers and probably multiple long term relationships behind you.
Your male friend is most likely jealous. He was always going to be a write-off sooner or later.
Other people will get over it when they see you guys having fun together. If they are already unhappy in life then they might dump some of it on you. Life is getting shorter all the time, might as well enjoy it!
I think the people who are grossed out/judgmental are in the wrong, honestly. You're nearly 40, you're old enough to recognize if an older man is taking advantage of you. Age gaps are only gross when it's a new adult (18 - 29ish) being dated by someone 10+ years their senior. There's an unspoken, but very clear power dynamic there, and a lot of young women end up hurt by older men this way.
I would say that you are at an age where YOU are old enough to decide if this man is for you.
If he makes you happy and he isn’t mooching off you then enjoy yourselves. Stuff everyone else and their opinions.
Your relationship is between the two of you and doesn’t involve any of these people. He makes you happy good for you.
I don’t like huge age gaps like that when a person is 18-20s. It’s usually predatory, especially the adult teen to early twenties. But in your case, you’re late 30s and you’ve experienced a lot of life so I don’t think it’s a big deal. You aren’t wrong.
Not wrong. It's usually related to the power imbalance that comes with age, money, maturity etc. The ick is where it seems that a more mature is taking advantage of a younger person who doesn't know any better.
Or who submits for benefits received. Which is okay btw.
With you two, you're both mature and old enough to go into this with eyes wide open.
Be thankful for people who reveal themselves to be judgemental of you, because it's a perfect opportunity to call them out and/or to distance yourself from. Life's too short to worry about people coming between you and your happiness. It's hard enough to find a lovely person to share your life with. Count yourself lucky on that account too.
If anyone has a problem, it's their problem, not yours. If they try and make it your problem, gently, and politely tell them where they can stick their opinions.
My dad has been in relationships on and off since my parents split when I was 11yo. In that time he's dated mostly women fairly close to his age, but a couple of them were more my age (my dad was 26 when I was born so these women were about 20-25 years younger than him). He dated these women when he was in his 60s, he's now 73. TBH I did feel a bit weirded out by him having a GF that was my age. I never said anything and outwardly was very supportive, but just quietly to myself, I wondered why on earth they would want to date someone that looked old enough to be their dad. I can't really talk though as my ex husband is 16 years older than me, but the 20-25 year age gaps were interesting. I don't think I could. My Nana's second husband was 20y her senior and she was alone for quite a few years after he died. That is the downside in my eyes.
In the course of human history, that age difference is nothing. It’s only the PC crowd that wants to cultivate victims everywhere of out benign occurrences that have existed since the beginning of time.
1. Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones: Michael Douglas is about 25 years older than Catherine Zeta-Jones. They got married in 2000 and have been together since.
2. Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall: Humphrey Bogart was 25 years older than Lauren Bacall when they got married in 1945. Despite the age difference, they had a famously strong and enduring relationship.
3. Winston Churchill and Clementine Churchill: Winston Churchill was around 15 years older than Clementine Churchill. They got married in 1908 and had a famously supportive and loving relationship.
4. Jay-Z and Beyoncé: Jay-Z is about 12 years older than Beyoncé. They got married in 2008 and are one of the most influential couples in the entertainment industry.
* Dennis Quaid and Laura Savoie: They have a 39-year age difference.
* Harrison Ford & Calista Flockhart: 22 Years
* Aristotle Onassis and Jacqueline Kennedy: They had a 23-year age difference.
* George Clooney & Amal Clooney: 17 Years
* Emmanuel Macron and Brigitte Trogneux: Emmanuel Macron is 25 years younger than his wife, Brigitte Trogneux.
* Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds: 11 Years
* Chris Pratt & Katherine Schwarzenegger: 10 Years
* Ellen DeGeneres & Portia de Rossi: 15 Years
* Adam Levine & Behati Prinsloo: 10 Years
* Camila Alves & Matthew McConaughey: 13 Years
* Heidi Klum & Tom Kaulitz: 16 Years
* Eddie Murphy & Paige Butcher: 17 Years
* Aaron Johnson and Sam Taylor-Wood: They have a 23-year age difference.
A lot of them are fine but a few started when the younger person was really young, in their teens, which I don’t personally agree with. Like the Macrons and Aaron and Taylor Johnson. In both those cases too they met with the older person in a position of authority over the much younger person.
I don’t see any issue with the age gap in your relationship. Both of you are experienced adults and have the right to make choices that make you happy. It’s surprising to hear about the strong negative reactions from people in your life because, in my experience, age gaps usually don’t draw much attention or concern.
This makes me wonder if perhaps you might be projecting some of your own insecurities onto the situation and reading more into others’ reactions than what’s actually there. It’s common for our own anxieties to amplify how we perceive others’ opinions.
But as long as you both are happy and respectful of each other, that’s what truly matters. Trust in your relationship and your ability to handle criticism with confidence and grace.
The only thing to worry about is him dying too soon for your happiness long term. Otherwise, haters gonna hate, let them go pound sand. You're a grownup who can do what she wants.
Tell the naysayers to get bent. My dad got remarried to my step mom, the age difference was 12 years. Not too weird except she is only 11 years older than my oldest brother. They were married just shy of 50 years, until his death. You and this guy click? Go for it.
Ynw, the age gap problem is generally for half baked grown ups, for example, late (but legal) teens, or early 20 somethings. I've never judged those 30 and over being with older partners/dates. You're old enough to know what you're doing. I think you're good, plus, you picked him up, lol.
It’s about life stages I think. There’s a massive difference between working full time and being at uni. But there’s not much between two proper adults.
Exactly. Most people are wary about even smaller age gaps in very young people. 14 and 18 is illegal in most places. 16 and 22...what would a non creepy 25 year old see in a 16 year old? They are at completely different life stages. It's concerning and a lot of people singling out people under 25 to date are abusive or creepy, and lplimg for someone they can manipulate and control because they do not have any life experience. By your late 20s and 30s, in theory unless you were brought up in a nunnery you should have worked for a while, be able to live independently and look after yourself and have probably had a few relationships. You're going into it with experience and confidence you wpuldnt have had aged 20. Now, most 30-40 year old women won't be happy with 50-70year old men - there will be HUGE issues with libido and being at different life stages and what you both want out of life. But it's much less likely to be creepy. Realistically you're much harder to take advantage of at that age than aged 18.
You definitely explained that way better than I could. The lack of life experience is what makes an age gap dodgy.
and OP says right in there "it’s not like we’re thinking marriage and kids" so they're golden.
I see what you mean. We do not presently have any issues with libido, but I recognize that could change in the not so distant future. Definitely some longer term concerns
And to be fair, it might not be an issue for you guys! There are older jen with very high libidos and young women with lower ones, I just meant that on the whole big differences in age can have practical issues for a lot of people. But not necessarily everyone!
She's found a dude who understands her work schedule because his is just as difficult, and they're making it work. Don't ditch him because everyone else sucks
Or it comes from people that could never pass for being younger than they actually are and in fact they probably look 10 years older, bald spot, beer belly, low T, and genuinely out of shape and out of touch with current music movies, pop culture etc.. It's jealousy really imo.
They will soon have a serious age gap issue. He is at least 55. I'm 61. Most people my age are talking about retirement. Many people at my age are looking at knee replacement surgery. They are having cataract surgery. They are getting heart stints. She needs to be prepared for that type of life while still very young.
He’s 56 and in great health, but we’re not really thinking long term. He’s a musician- most people in his field slow down on touring and things but don’t stop working as in writing, performing, giving lessons. But I hear you. It’s certainly a potential complication.
I'm glad he's in great health. I am stunned by the poor health of my peers. Fast food and too much sitting catch up with you.
“Ynw”? I said “you know what”, but then I felt dumb and was like “no, that’d be ykw…”
Okay.
…? Wdym “okay”? I’m genuinely asking what ynw means. Unless you’re being dismissive bc you actually did meant it to mean ykw. Then ig that makes sense.
I'm sorry, I missed the question. You kind of explained it, so I thought you'd figured it out....You're Not Wrong. Please calm down.
I…didn’t say anything aggressive. Are you ok?
Okay....Bye.
Not at all. You're fine. You are a fully grown adult making your own choices. Age gaps aren't a problem exactly on their own. It's the experience level of the youngest person in the partnership that determines if the gap proves to be ok or gross. I am really overly protective about inappropriate age gaps with unacceptable power dynamics. This is not one of those cases. An inappropriate age gap, for example, would be an 18 year old fresh out of high school and a 30 year old. Vastly different places in life, brains aren't at the same stage of development, and the power imbalance is clearly skewed. Now, take that 12 years and apply it to a 32 year old and a 44 year old and it's perfectly acceptable. They are both at the same level of maturity, have the same potential for careers, etc. The gap doesn't matter - it's the life stages. As long as you feel safe and not coerced in any way, don't listen to anyone who is giving you grief.
He's 20 years older than her so in his 50's. As long as he's in good health and takes care of himself there shouldn't be a problem. She's mature not some naive 20 year old. And they're just dating. OP, go and have a good time. Be on the lookout for red flags, as you should in any relationship. But otherwise, enjoy the relationship.
I would say it’s a long-term problem. Let’s say OP and their soon to be boyfriend hit it off. They get married and do the whole “life thing.” In thirty years, OP’s hubby dies and OP is… 65. She’s got 20 years or more without her hubby. It’s more a question of “is she OK with this inevitable future?” (Yes, it’s technically possible she does when she’s 60, but barring unforeseen circumstances, or even taking probabilities of major health crises into account, the chances are the guy dies first and many years before OP does.)
It's a shorter term problem if she wants kids. I haven't come across a comment about it yet but at 55 he is getting a bit old for his sperm to be making good kids and he's getting a bit old to be raising said kids too. If she doesn't want kids she's probably fine but their life states are still different in the fact that she is still in prime "starting a family" years if she wants to do so, and his ship has kind of sailed.
Neither of us wants kids or even marriage for that matter. You’re not wrong though.
Then go have fun and be free
My grandparents were close in age and my grandma lived over 25 years longer than he did, so that really doesn’t matter.
That was the point of they could die close to each other. But probability states that she’ll outlive him by decades though. So it’s a strong concern. And that’s the reason anecdotal evidence isn’t very useful.
I've had uncles die where the aunt has a lot of years left to live, and there was no big age gap in the relationship. So I think the chances of that happening are high, if there was an age gap or not?
On average it’s six years difference between men and women (men~75, women ~81) in the US. But if you do the math for OP, she’s 60-65 when this guy hits the average death window for men. She then has 20 years (ish) before she hits her average death window. Plenty of time to meet someone new, but that’s her most likely scenario. So she has to be ok with that idea as it’s extremely likely to occur.
That's true. I'm 16 years older than my gf so it will suck if she has to deal with me gone for too long if course.
My spouse is 8 years younger than me. He’s a higher wage earner, but I feel it’s important to get good health insurance, life insurance, mortgage insurance, etc etc so that if I pass before him (higher odds because age gap) then at least the house is paid off and he doesn’t have the financial piece to worry about.
That's good thinking.
Late 30's? Date who you want. You're a whole ass grown up. Though, Reddit isn't the place to ask because they have a hard on for hating on any kind of age gap, even one like yours. Next time someone gives you shit, ask them specifically what the moral issue is. Guarantee they won't be able to come up with one that isn't a gross and blatant assumption like the daddy issues thing.
Survey shows: this isnt true. In general, Reddit is only against big age gaps for people under 25
Yep, and they get extreme about it too. I once saw a commenter called a predator because he was dating a 24 year old woman at 28 years old. Their entire rationale was that he was over 25 and her under, so her brain wasn't "fully developed".
I think that commenter’s brain wasn’t fully developed.
It definitely was a smooth brain.
You are quite correct. But it wouldn't be a complete comment section without the contrarians declaring what the rest of us think, as if we're not individuals.
I couldn't agree with you more on the Reddit age gap comments, I'm surprised Reddit isn't calling him a groomer.
Even *I* have a bit of "a hard on for hating on any kind of age gap" but don't find a problem with this one.
They can touch grass, kick rocks, yell at the clouds, whatever. You’re a grown up, as long as it’s legal, do what you want. My GF and I are almost in the same boat, I’m 15 years older than she is. Yeah, there’s been a few comments about it, but fortunately for the commenter they’ve never been serious about it.
You've been an adult for a while now, so has he, who gets to decide who works for you or who doesn't. The only thing that might be slightly concerning is if the only men you ever found attractive were 20 years older or for him if he wouldn't date anyone older than 39 even though he is in his 50s, but even then that would be your own business and not for others to judge you on. As to the guy who cut you off, I suspect he still had lingering feelings for you. I think about all the issues I've had and people I know have had in relationships and age gaps come so low on the list of problematic. In a world where it is so hard to make connections, enjoy it when you do. People making judgements on this have their own issues.
Yeah he's incredibly jealous and it's easy to see.
There is nothing wrong with it if it works for you. People can be, and generally are, opinionated assholes that should be ignored because they are not the ones living YOUR life and they will happily move on to the next topic once they ruin it.
bro you’re almost 40.., who gives a fuck about the age gap. Stop overthinking it.
I don't think she's overthinking it so much as being harassed by lots of people in her and his life. It can't be easy to deal with. Clearly all those people do give a fuck, unfortunately.
*sis
There is nothing wrong with it at all. You are both consenting adults & that’s all that matters. I will point out a few things my mother learned with her 2nd marriage & a 17 yr difference. - she became his care giver & it was alot of work & isolating. - he became old at 70-75 & her life changed (he went to bed early & expected her to), mobility issues, memory considerations, didn’t want to travel, she did all the driving - he got stricken with Parkinson’s & it was awful for both of them but she became house bound at 62 & widowed at 65 & had horrible issues with his kids being accusatory over the estate. The caregiving exhausted her (his kids did nothing & barely visited) She felt cheated because they didn’t grow old together, he grew old on her & she was faced with growing old alone or a 3rd marriage. But their first 10 years were great tbh
Once you're like, 35, almost any age gap is fine. 35 and 45? Completely fine. 35 and 60? Not an issue. 35 and 87? A little odd, but not my business. It isn't my business who anyone else dates within reason, and anyone who cares about a 35 year old dating a 55 year old is a loser.
Yeah, at 35, the worry isn’t anyone being predatory. At most the worry is do you want kids & or are you willing to take care of them when they’re in need of care and you’re nowhere near that age.
Age gaps stop mattering when both people are in the 30+ crowd.
I don't think there's anything wrong with your age Gap I'm super biased my wife is 14 years older than me. With the woman in my situation being the older person the situation is quite different on both sides it was really pushed as a conquest. But even those comments annoyed this shit out of me. For me most of those comments died down once people seen us interact and they saw that there was more than just the age Gap.
It's not like you're a college kid. You're a grown up woman who has lived life a bit. If you two are happy, that's all that matters. A friend of my husband's is in his early 60s and met a woman in her early 30s. He had concerns about her age, but they are so deeply in love. They glow when they're around each other. Enjoy the relationship and see where it goes.
I used to have reservations about age gaps for legal adults, at the end of the day if someone passes consent and the other respects boundaries then I have no qualms. The problem with age gaps is the distribution of late teens/early twenties with 10+ year gap relationships has a much higher potential for abuse and people form their judgments about the mean of that distribution.
No idea why you’re downvoted, I agree with you
I think people are grossed out by 20 somethings or older dating someone in their late teens - I can't blame them, that dynamic can easily be abused and it often doesnt make sense in terms of their different aspirations and life experience. However, I've also known success stories of grandparents who met with those age gaps and are still together. We live in a different generation, but we draw the arbitrary line of adulthood at 18 and I think we should respect them to make their decisions. People need to mind their own business/boundaries if someone isnt being harmed.
I’ve seen (and experienced) more abusive/unhealthy age gap relationships for early/mid 20s with early 40s. That doesn’t mean they’re all like that. But there is a certain volume of people who never date their age after 35-ish because people their own age won’t take their shit. I feel the late teens to 20s can also be predatory but maybe those people are both still growing in some way. Whereas a 40-yo that just serial dates 23 year olds has found their place in the dating scene and aren’t going to change/grow much. That’s all anecdotal out my butt tho.
My husband is 19 years older than me, 34 years later we are still happily married
The dating market sucks, take what you can get and tell everyone else to fuck off.
You do you!!
No, you’re not wrong. I’m in an age gap relationship. Only a 9 year difference. When people act like that I just chalk it up to jealousy or envy. Some people see romantic partners as resources and they don’t like it when one goes off the market.
I think you are more than old enough to date whomever you choose. You are in your 30's and grown. I will be 37 this year and my partner will be 48. I have always been attracted to older men though. People are always going to have something to say. You are not in your early teens/20's. If he makes you happy, and you him... Go for it!
No. You’re in your late thirties. You get to do what you want, and someone right now is screenshotting your post so they can write a romance novel based on it. Or someone is at least screenshotting it to ask for recs based on it. It sounds like you understand that this is casual. Enjoy it.
Dating would be fine, but anything more serious and you're dealing with health issues and geriatric appointments within a few years.
This was my thought, though maybe more than a few years. 38 and 58 is much different than 58 and 78. It's not wrong but could be very sad depending on how he ages.
Yall are both grown. Anyone that says pedo for someone that’s late 30s needs to go see a psychiatrist
you're fine. just be aware that he's pretty close to retiring which will be a VERY big shift in relationship dynamic on top of him probably dying before you by a lot.
You’re well into adulthood, who cares?
no, you’re fine. you’re a fully grown adult, and you met as a full adult. your brain is long past developed, and there are no issues with the power dynamic. i think the age gap would only be wrong if he was your boss or something, then there might be cause for concern.
Ynw - are you happy? Yes. Let all the horrible haters die in their rage.
I met my husband of 32 years when I was 30 and he was 49. While some people questioned it at first, they have since changed their tune. You do what you want. If you're enjoying yourself, don't worry about what others think.
Who asked for their opinion
I'll be honest. A youtber I watch broke it down very easily. When you're going through adolescence, there is a striking difference between a freshman in university and a freshman in college. Even if the age difference is like three years. I just feel drastically different cause you're being exposed to different things and are different stages of life. Those two people almost feel worlds apart in terms of maturity or whatever. That being said, I do think it is a lot different when you're in your mid twenties, thirties, or whatever. I think the biggest factor to consider is what of stage you are life you are at. And I know I'm about to contradict myself but heat me out. If you're 45 and you're worried about generational wealth and mortgages and you fall for 24 years old At the club. Those just feel like different people. And sometimes " mature" for your age means the other person might not be mature enough for their age. I don't have a clear answer for you. But I think it's your asking these questions. I wouldn't say so, but at the end of the day, that decision is made solely for you. We can advise you here on reddit. But we don't have to bear responsibility for your actions. Use them for insight, but take it a grain of salt.
In particular, with your case, people are always going to be judgemental. If you dated someone your age, but he was ugly, then they would complain. If he was shorter or less experienced or maybe a certain personality trait, like combativeness, might make him less attractive to the general public but not to you. There's always going to be a reason for someone to hate your choice. And as long as he respects, treats you, you guys have similar values and etc. It seems you guys are very compatible due to occupation and lifestyle. And that's something that's also important in a relationship.
I think generally age gaps are looked down upon for those who aren't yet old enough or have fully developed brains. Based on what I've read anyway. Once you're there you can do what you like as far as I can tell.
It's not a big deal except in their heads. You are enjoying each other's company, sounds good to me
I’m 51 and look like 65 so I’m younger than your boyfriend and look older. Age gaps don’t mean a thing as you get older because adults like who they like
To me, 20 years is a bit much. Basically, it’s two different generations. Outside of sex, what is there in common? Hey, you remember this song from 1985? I’ve never heard of them. Lol. I couldn’t do it personally, but to each their own. My ex wife was 8.5 years younger than me. Even at the time when we met 33/25, I felt like it was pushing it. Good luck OP.
I’m actually obsessed with 80s and 90s music, it’s what we initially started talking about actually. I’m mostly just jealous of all the shows he’s seen. I get your point though! There’s definitely some interesting generational differences between us.
I gotcha. I wish you and your new relationship all the luck. Be careful, as I think as the years go on, it could become an issue, should you all reach that point. Again, best of luck to you.
I’m in similar situation atm, mid 30s dating a mid 50s man. The looks I get annoy me sometimes too, mostly from women his age but not only. Right now I’m improving a new skill - shutting off peripheral vision when out lol. At the end of day you should accept the opinion of who you care most about, ideally you first and your closest loved ones second. I asked myself is he’s what I want in a partner, do we have a good connection and communication, is he accountable for his actions, sets healthy boundaries and respects mine? Do we have fun quality time together, does he show me he loves me and sees me loving him, is he there for me if I need him? Also asked if I am in a good place for this relationship? Can I give what I’m asking for? How much does the opinions of others bother me? Luckily, closest people around me just want me to be happy and have treated him like any other guy I’ve dated before - assuming he’s nice until proven otherwise. And considering it’s been proven in the past they were guarded with my best interest in mind. Seeing how he makes me feel and how respectful he is got everyone relieved…including me! In my case for the first time ever, he ticks those boxes and I’m working at and ticking mine. Not sure how rose tinted my glasses are but it feels amazing not being anyones mom and being a priority for your man. Not saying all men, just saying I usually got bad taste in men lol. I love my older man, he makes me feel loved, protected and appreciated and I do my best to do the same for him. Fuck other people, you don’t share most of your time and life with them. You do with your partner. So choose what makes you happy cause otherwise when you’re old you’ll be real bitter living the life other people told you to and not having had joy. You won’t get a “my bad, didn’t mean to ruin you life” either, at most you’ll get a “you could’ve done otherwise if you really wanted to” instead and it’s ultimately true. As long as your life doesn’t affect other peoples life, why do they get to affect yours? So you do unapologetically you!
I've always wondered why the age gap issue was an issue. It's no one's business but the two people in the relationship. If they don't care and love each other enough to maintain their relationship, it's no else business or concern. I've always heard age is just a number. If that's true, why is there an age gap issue? Maybe I'm being too logical or straightforward. That, unfortunately, is how I am.
Question- what do you want in your life? When your 40- he’s 60 When your 50- he’s 70 Kids? Travel? These are issues. This will affect you. Babies? Sex? Health?
I kind of mentioned it but we are viewing this more causally. I was widowed young and lost interest in the wife and kids thing. It’s no longer something I’m interested in. I have focused on working, traveling, and pursuing my interests. He has a nontraditional career with tons of travel. We’re both very independent people who are happy with our lives and enjoying spending time together for the time being. I get what you mean though.
You have nothing to worry about here. You are not developing adolescents or twenty something's. You are two grown consenting adults and, quite frankly, those taking issue are crossing the line. Those taking issue publicly and causing you embarrassment are downright out of line and should be told so. You are in no way wrong. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You are more than capable of making decisions for yourself.
IMO There is an age when you are a grown woman of sound mind making her own choices. Theoretically that's the concept of the age of consent. I accept that there's socially a more complex formula. But I still think the concept is valid. And IMO by 30 any woman of normal IQ and not under duress has passed that age. People need to mind their own fucking business.
Well. You said yourself that you're baby faced, so just how young was he looking for then?? That would be my only concern.
That’s valid lol but I did start taking to him first and mentioned my age. He told me he wouldn’t have asked me out if I was much younger but who knows.
Maam you are 30. It’s fine. You sound happy and that’s all that matters.
There is a very big difference between this and a 19-year-old dating a 39-year-old. You’re both fully-formed, developed-brain independent adults. This isn’t a situation where an older person is deliberately intrigued by “innocence” or finding someone who is easy to manipulate.
Probably be downvoted for this but you sounded like you actually wanted an answer. There is nothing wrong with this relationship per se but people will judge because you are basically punching down. You could find just as good a partner closer to your age if you wanted but he could not because nobody his age will likely be as attractive as you. People will assume you're attracted to his money and status while he only likes your looks. And honestly, would they really be wrong? Why isn't he dating someone his age? What drew him to you besides your body? Be honest with yourself
To some degree I’m sure you’re right about being attracted to my looks, but it’s not like at pushing 40 I don’t have a very developed personality, sense of self, and full life. We share a lot of interests and fell into conversation about them very easily when we met. He’s not wealthy. Status eh a bit. He’s a musician, certainly not famous unless you’re into some very niche stuff but has worked with a lot of well known people. I certainly feel like a bit of a stereotype in dating an older ‘rockstar’ from time to time lol. I won’t downvote you, I know what you’re saying.
Yeah hope it works out for you. Just always remember there is someone your age with his exact same qualities... but the reverse cannot be true
You have some crappy friends if they are saying that. They aren’t your friends. I dated somebody 20 years older than me a few times in my life, and my friends never once ever said anything about me dating an older man.
A friend got married to a guy who was five years older than she. I jokingly ask her if he was a cradle robber, but she responded that she was a grave robber. I might think that he was a cradle robber if he was in his mid 30’s and you had just turned 20. Because of your age, I think you are mature enough to decide what is too old. Good luck with your relationship.
You’re in your 30s so it don’t matter
Not at all I’m 30 and would date typically between 26-45 without issue. To me it’s more about being open minded, personality and energy level. Honestly if I met a particularly attractive person a tad outside that range it’s not a hard line for me, at least on the older side. Like someone lived, that I can learn from is super attractive and dope, especially if they still enjoy learning, growing and experiencing. Helen Mirren, for instance, is one of my celeb crushes; intelligent, talented, consistently learning and fucking gorgeous. If opinions of my friends were getting to me I’d question if they know me at all and have a conversation to see if it’s over something so shallow. If their reservations had deeper merit, like that person is at a stage were they just wanna sit around and waste away and you’re in a different space in life, that I’d understand or the other person is just fetishizing your youth and you’re settling because you’re tired of being single or something those conversations I’d have with a friend or my siblings. If their concerns are for your well-being and my relationship with them has been important and mutually caring etc I’d have those difficult conversations and thicken my skin a bit. If you live your life a way that feels like actually living people are gonna get rubbed the wrong way occasionally or at least raise an eyebrow
You’re fine. People are assholes. Do what makes you happy.
Who cares what other people think? Why do you? Is it important to you to seek approval from others? Pursue happiness…let others think what they will of it. A lioness does not concern herself with the opinion of sheep.
>I met his sister when she was in town and she didn’t try to hide making a grossed out face when she met me. What the fuck is this? Everyone around you sounds horrible. YNW
Nothing wrong with you or what you're doing. You don't need approval from those judgmental assholes.
Do what make you both happy. Fuck everyone else
Are you an adult? Are you capable of making decisions for yourself? If the answer to both is yes, then you are free to pursue a relationship with any other adult who can answer yes to those two questions. There is nothing wrong with the age gap as long as you are comfortable and happy with the person.
My wife is 13 years older than me. I'm glad I didn't listen to the diabolical lies people would tell me about how to live my life
No. The reason why age gaps for 19 and 25 are iffy is because the maturity level of a 19 year old is incredibly dubious, and much easier to manipulate. A 25 year old going after a 19 year old makes them former's intentions incredibly suspicious. Most people in their late 30s have enough maturity and life experience to not be easily manipulated, and the kind of people who prey on youthful naivete know this - that's why they don't go after them very often.
You are old enough that this relationship is not weird or predatory. Have fun.
It can work, but be aware that you will almost certainly spend many years taking care of him in his old age while you are still prime, there is a 90% probability that he will die way before you do, leaving you quite alone. These concerns do not matter at all at this phase of your life. They will matter a lot later. My mother was 15 years younger than my dad and her cousin was 20 years younger than her husband. My great grandmother was 25 years younger than her first husband, and 26 years older than her second, so that worked out. Ha.
Yo ur both adults.. u can ends whatever the fk u want to.
I’ve been married to my husband 12 years. We’re 10 years apart and that’s never been an issue.
If you both met as fully grown adults, it’s not inherently inappropriate at all.
You are both well into adulthood and the age gap isn't really an power play or manipulation issue anymore. But do think of how you will seriously outlive him. My grandparents were the same age and grandma still out lived grandpa by 30 years.
My husband is 9 years older. I have always looked younger than my age. We've been together since 1981. A few times, people asked if I was his daughter. I think it's funny, his ego doesn't. You are far past the age of anyone worrying about you being groomed. That is the biggest concern most people have about age differences. The balance of power is off. If you find each other attractive, go for it. "We don't care what other people think of us. "💖
I (45f) am married to a wonderful 74 yo man, and have never been happier! 😃
Past 35, give or take, older shouldn’t be a big issue. Kids, or not wanting kids would be a bigger issue.
Idk you’re already almost 40s what’s the big difference, mostly people mean age when they should say mental age/maturity/EQ.
You are in your 30s so at that point, you know you are okay with an older man and that's fine. Other people might think it's weird, I know it won't be in my taste, but if you are happy and both of you treat each other well, I hope you have fun! There is a difference between a 40 year old dating a 20 year old than a 30 year old dating a 50 year old. 20 year old is still learning so much about life and still growing up. By 30, you've grown up enough to make your own choices with your fully developed brain.
There’s nothing “wrong” with it. It would be weird for me because my mom is 20 years older than me - I’m your age and she his. But that’s just a personal thing that may not apply to you or bother you. The big question is - you’re a millennial and he’s cusp of boomer/gen x. My spouse is younger millennial and I’m elder millennial and there’s a decent gap in shared history/culture/references/etc. My ex-husband was gen x and it became very obvious that those shared lexicons help create shared understandings and views and just straight up things to do/talk about as other relationships elements devolved. A two generation gap is quite a lot to surmount to find enduring common ground. I think this is especially true for millennials because of where the internet age falls in our early development. He was about your age when the internet really spread to the masses. You were an adolescent. (It blows my mind to think about the changes the world has gone through in the last 25 years - just wow!) But that doesn’t make your relationship wrong, just a (possible) hurdle if you’re looking to be together longer term. All of that said, who cares. Relationships are about finding warmth and acceptance and support from people that treat you with respect and care. If you’ve got that, enjoy it. That’s a beautiful thing and should be cherished where it’s found. Maybe it’s a short term fling or maybe you share fundamental commonalities that bridge the gaps of time. I’m sorry you’ve been getting shade - it’s a decision for you and him at this age and stage in life. People need to mind their business. I will close with - my age gap relationship drew shade (I was 20s and he was 40s tho) and it pushed me into hunkering down as the cracks in his mask started to appear, which was bad for me long term. If you decide to continue to invest in the bond, try not to do that! You don’t have to prove anything to anyone
I feel you for sure. Yeah he’s an older x-er. I’ve always kind of vibed with that generation for whatever reason. My parents are 10 years older than him so yeah it’s a bit odd but he feels closer to my age than to theirs somehow.
If both people are over 30 the age doesn't matter at all. Ignore the judgemental assholes.
After your 20s the age gap doesn't mean as much IMO. After you're 30 you're pretty established in 'who you are'. Before that the age gap feels more like manipulation by the older person, though that isn't always the case
If people are 30 and over, I feel it’s reasonable.
If it works for you guys and you are fine with it, go for it. Some people will hate, screw them.
I'm 38 with a 26 yr old. To hell with them, age is just a number after 22 or so
Think the formula works out so you are good. (Age/2)+7 55/2+7= 34.5. That is the youngest the guy should date for his age. You slide right under. Nobody else has to enjoy his company but you! And you are! It's a beautiful thing, so enjoy it!! Edit: typo
At your age it’s fine. If you were both 20 years younger it’d be predatory. But you’re a grown ass woman and have been for some time.
The age gap isn't that much of an issue for me since there was no prior "grooming" from the guy... but the thing is, if you are looking for something long term, maybe this guy is not it. When you hit your 50s, he will be at his 70s/80s. As a person that took care of grandparents (plural), you will likely be a caregiver at this point instead of doing fun things with a partner. Also, given that women are more likely to live longer, what if he buys the farm while you are in your 50s/60s, at that point you have something like 15 to 20 years left on this Earth and if you still want a partner at that point, dating will be much difficult.
Funny cus everyone said this to my mom due to their 20-year age gap. My dad was HER caregiver, and she passed at 70. He died at 90 shortly after, his healthndeteriorated after her passing. He loved her and cared for her. You never know whose health will go down first even with a 20 year gap
You're a grown ass woman well into your adulthood, so no, the age gap is not wrong, because at this point it's not about an imbalance of power like, say, a 40 year old dating a 20 year old. Obviously, there CAN be issues with an age gap relationship like yours, mostly when it comes to having kids, but also other long term plans (marriage, retirement, etc). But as long as you're aware of these, which you seem to be, and are both on the same level about such things, it's fine.
Eh, it’s perhaps a little strange, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it if you’re both happy. Age gaps that are an issue are because of power dynamics, whether that be financial, life experience, life stability (housing), grooming situations, etc. At late 30’s+, that dynamic isn’t really at play as you both ostensibly have more similar life experience and stability and there’s less risk of one party manipulating the other.
I can't tell you how many times I've seen a post like this & nearly everyone criticized the person for it. So it's kinda crazy seeing the comments. On another note, I wouldn't say it's wrong, just some people don't like it. It's not something I could imagine for myself. But if you're both happy, do you. You two are the only ones that matter. If you can't handle the remarks & the looks, you'll have to grow thicker skin. Don't give up your happiness bc other people can't deal. Anywho, I wish you happiness. You only live once. Be happy.
I'm inclined to say who cares. Yall are adults. Age gaps only really worry me when it's someone specifically targeting a younger person to predate on them either taking advantage of nievety or Financials w/e. Two people genuinely getting along and being on the same page that just happen to have an age gap? Noone else's business.
I don't think it matters much after 30. You're pretty much dead inside by then. (Joke reddit calm down) Do whatever makes you happy. 30 and 50 doesn't sound weird. But for some reason 20 and 40 does. Odd isn't it?
Not really. Someone who is twenty or early twenties is only a few years out of high school. A forty something year old man dating someone in that age range is vastly different than someone in their thirties with life experience and maturity.
Yea that's what I meant. What a difference 20 and 30 is. But at 30 starting a relationship isn't weird with a 50 year old. But a 40 year old dating a 20 year old imo is not okay.
Yeah I don’t know why I misread what you wrote earlier. Oops. We agree. It’s cringe.
At 30+ age gap is less of an issue.
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This. Breath of fresh air.
As long as he didn't lie or insinuate he was younger, all good. Stop caring what other people think because they're judging you from a place of their insecurities.
Both of you are fully grown adults. Age gaps in relationships can sometimes draw unsolicited opinions, but the most important thing is how you and your partner feel about each other and the relationship. If you aree happy and feel respected and valued, that is what truly matters. It isn't wrong and go for it!!!
You like who you like
You're in your late 30s. Grown. Do what you want.
You are not wrong. Live your life, love your life. With who you love.
You're fine. You two are fully grown consenting adults. The only way this would be terrible is if you were barely an adult or jot even an adult..
You’re both adults. Who cares? How is it effecting their daily lives to the point of needing to comment on anything about your relationship?
You're almost 40, you can date who you want. You're a fully formed adult. Age gaps are problematic when we're talking about the younger person being in their teens or early 20's. At your age it really shouldn't matter.
You're in your late 30's so not bad. Now if you were in your early 20's yeah a bit weird.
My mother was 24 years older than her husband when they married. 36 years later, they're still together. Let love not age be the decider. (Yup, I'm older than him. And he's a great guy.)
People on reddit usually freak out here about age gaps. As long as they are grown, no biggie. My parents were 20 years and were together 46 year until my mom passed and he followed a few months later. She was in her 20's and him 40s when they got together
I don’t see a problem with this age gap. You’re both grown
You're well into your 30s and you know yourself more than anyone else. You're both ok with it and it's up to you two. No one else gets to have their say.
You are both adults. It's only an issue if you make it one.
Naysayers gonna naysay. You are two full adults doing adult things.
Ignore them. Even the "brains don't stop developing until 25!" crowd will admit a woman in her late 30s can date any older guy she wants.
It's not like you're 19. People are just dumb, rude, and jealous. Have fun.
I'm 26 years older than my girlfriend, she is 25 im 52 its choice, love happiness etc.
Since you are late 30s, I think it's more of a reflection on HIM. Why is he dating so much younger... does he not want to date women his own age? I'd be worried about him being misogynistic or objectifying women. Especially since you look younger. No, it's not horrible. But it is kinda gross to be dating a man old enough to be your father.
I get you, I’d be bothered if he always or only dated younger women. Not the case though so benefit of the doubt I guess.
It’s so hard to find people you enjoy being around, adding the extra complication of an “appropriate” age range limits the chances even more. If you are experiencing any joy or pleasure in this life, don’t let anyone make you question it.
If you're happy and he's happy then it's not wrong. Don't listen to the weirdos.
You're both grown ass adults. I dated a man twenty years older than me for awhile and we had great chemistry. Some people thought it was weird but the ones who mattered just wanted us each to be happy.
Not wrong. If the age gap doesn't bother you or him in the context of your actual relationship, that's all that matters. You're both fully grown adults and can do what you want, as long as it's not hurting anyone. There's way too much hatred of age gap relationships nowadays, anyway. I don't know anyone with a 20 year gap, but I know a lot of people with a gap of between 9-11 years. My sister, for instance, is 10 years younger than her husband, and they're perfectly happy, have 4 kids between them plus a dog. No one batted an eye about the gap because it was really pretty normal. 20 years is more noticeable, but noticeable also isn't reliable. I mean, you guessed he was younger than he was, so he doesn't look his age anyway. People probably only work out the gap because you also look younger than you are. If you looked your age, they'd guess a much smaller gap. A lot of people look older or younger than they actually are, you can never actually be sure what, if any, gap in ages there is unless you know the age of both partners for sure. But 20 years is fine, a tad unusual, but not wrong, not if you're both happy. Do your best to ignore the comments, these people aren't the people you're dating, their opinions are irrelevant as long as the two of you are happy. Don't mind the jokey comments, just take those as a bit of fun and not something serious.
You are in your 30’s I see no wrong. Who you date is your business. Nobody has the right to control your personal life.
I had two coworkers get together when they were 37 and 61. 18 years later they are very happy. At first I wasn’t sure but after spending a day with them doing outdoors stuff I saw how much they fit. If people are going to be asses, that’s on them. Just be happy!
Just sounds like you both need new friends 😂 and nc w the family, fk that, unless the sister has a daughter or child ur age, she should sit tf down and get over it 🤷🏻♀️
He has nieces but they’re way younger like late teens/ early 20’s
Do you know why your friends are objecting to this relationship? Maybe it’s not age. If you trust your friends, talk to them about it.
Women can get very jealous of other women. They want him also. You go and live your best life
Have you heard of the classic formula age/2 + 7? You're officially in the clear! Anyone under 60 is fair game lol The point of that formula being: The older we get the less shits we have to give about what other people think. Also the maturity gap closes. Someone who is 30 dating a 20 year old is like dating a child. They haven't figured out life yet, picked a career, had serious relationships, or even finished their degree. You both have established careers and probably multiple long term relationships behind you. Your male friend is most likely jealous. He was always going to be a write-off sooner or later. Other people will get over it when they see you guys having fun together. If they are already unhappy in life then they might dump some of it on you. Life is getting shorter all the time, might as well enjoy it!
I think the people who are grossed out/judgmental are in the wrong, honestly. You're nearly 40, you're old enough to recognize if an older man is taking advantage of you. Age gaps are only gross when it's a new adult (18 - 29ish) being dated by someone 10+ years their senior. There's an unspoken, but very clear power dynamic there, and a lot of young women end up hurt by older men this way.
I would say that you are at an age where YOU are old enough to decide if this man is for you. If he makes you happy and he isn’t mooching off you then enjoy yourselves. Stuff everyone else and their opinions. Your relationship is between the two of you and doesn’t involve any of these people. He makes you happy good for you.
I don’t like huge age gaps like that when a person is 18-20s. It’s usually predatory, especially the adult teen to early twenties. But in your case, you’re late 30s and you’ve experienced a lot of life so I don’t think it’s a big deal. You aren’t wrong.
Not wrong. It's usually related to the power imbalance that comes with age, money, maturity etc. The ick is where it seems that a more mature is taking advantage of a younger person who doesn't know any better. Or who submits for benefits received. Which is okay btw. With you two, you're both mature and old enough to go into this with eyes wide open. Be thankful for people who reveal themselves to be judgemental of you, because it's a perfect opportunity to call them out and/or to distance yourself from. Life's too short to worry about people coming between you and your happiness. It's hard enough to find a lovely person to share your life with. Count yourself lucky on that account too.
If anyone has a problem, it's their problem, not yours. If they try and make it your problem, gently, and politely tell them where they can stick their opinions.
It's only as creepy as your friends want to make it.
I've done my share of age gaps. Yalls is fine. My last age gap partner was 31 to my 45.
Only Karen’s and losers care about the age gap. Do what you want. Ignore the haters.
My dad has been in relationships on and off since my parents split when I was 11yo. In that time he's dated mostly women fairly close to his age, but a couple of them were more my age (my dad was 26 when I was born so these women were about 20-25 years younger than him). He dated these women when he was in his 60s, he's now 73. TBH I did feel a bit weirded out by him having a GF that was my age. I never said anything and outwardly was very supportive, but just quietly to myself, I wondered why on earth they would want to date someone that looked old enough to be their dad. I can't really talk though as my ex husband is 16 years older than me, but the 20-25 year age gaps were interesting. I don't think I could. My Nana's second husband was 20y her senior and she was alone for quite a few years after he died. That is the downside in my eyes.
In the course of human history, that age difference is nothing. It’s only the PC crowd that wants to cultivate victims everywhere of out benign occurrences that have existed since the beginning of time. 1. Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones: Michael Douglas is about 25 years older than Catherine Zeta-Jones. They got married in 2000 and have been together since. 2. Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall: Humphrey Bogart was 25 years older than Lauren Bacall when they got married in 1945. Despite the age difference, they had a famously strong and enduring relationship. 3. Winston Churchill and Clementine Churchill: Winston Churchill was around 15 years older than Clementine Churchill. They got married in 1908 and had a famously supportive and loving relationship. 4. Jay-Z and Beyoncé: Jay-Z is about 12 years older than Beyoncé. They got married in 2008 and are one of the most influential couples in the entertainment industry. * Dennis Quaid and Laura Savoie: They have a 39-year age difference. * Harrison Ford & Calista Flockhart: 22 Years * Aristotle Onassis and Jacqueline Kennedy: They had a 23-year age difference. * George Clooney & Amal Clooney: 17 Years * Emmanuel Macron and Brigitte Trogneux: Emmanuel Macron is 25 years younger than his wife, Brigitte Trogneux. * Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds: 11 Years * Chris Pratt & Katherine Schwarzenegger: 10 Years * Ellen DeGeneres & Portia de Rossi: 15 Years * Adam Levine & Behati Prinsloo: 10 Years * Camila Alves & Matthew McConaughey: 13 Years * Heidi Klum & Tom Kaulitz: 16 Years * Eddie Murphy & Paige Butcher: 17 Years * Aaron Johnson and Sam Taylor-Wood: They have a 23-year age difference.
Okay but some of these are really bad examples 😂 but I get your point
How are they bad?
A lot of them are fine but a few started when the younger person was really young, in their teens, which I don’t personally agree with. Like the Macrons and Aaron and Taylor Johnson. In both those cases too they met with the older person in a position of authority over the much younger person.
I don’t see any issue with the age gap in your relationship. Both of you are experienced adults and have the right to make choices that make you happy. It’s surprising to hear about the strong negative reactions from people in your life because, in my experience, age gaps usually don’t draw much attention or concern. This makes me wonder if perhaps you might be projecting some of your own insecurities onto the situation and reading more into others’ reactions than what’s actually there. It’s common for our own anxieties to amplify how we perceive others’ opinions. But as long as you both are happy and respectful of each other, that’s what truly matters. Trust in your relationship and your ability to handle criticism with confidence and grace.
The only thing to worry about is him dying too soon for your happiness long term. Otherwise, haters gonna hate, let them go pound sand. You're a grownup who can do what she wants.
Eh. People think it’s gross to fuck someone young enough to be your child. But you’re a whole ass grown up, so if it makes you happy, do you.
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I think you hurt some 30 something’s feelings with this one lol. It’s true though, I have friends my age with grandkids.
Tell the naysayers to get bent. My dad got remarried to my step mom, the age difference was 12 years. Not too weird except she is only 11 years older than my oldest brother. They were married just shy of 50 years, until his death. You and this guy click? Go for it.
Enjoy! You are both consenting adults with fully formed brains.
Do you
Come on over to r/agegap
Dissect the reason why you’re feeling “wrong”, master that and you’ll be free
Is everyone here 18 and consenting? Yes? Then fuck what anyone else has to say about it ;)
She take my money when I’m in neeeeeeed
Lol he’s not rich. I’m bad at this