This. My dad left us suddenly. We never saw him. Then a couple of years later he showed wanting to see us. He’d make arrangements, we’d all get ready, be packed, stood waiting, coat on, for hours and hours just waiting. Tearful, angry, even more hurt and confused. If he did show up which was less than a 50% chance, very very late, he’d dump us at his Mums house and clear off chasing tail again. Fuck that shit. We all said we didn’t want to go anymore after several years of this stuff. I stilll despise that pos
My bio dad did the same shit and when we didn't want to go anymore, he blamed it on our mom and took her to court. Judge didn't believe him for one second because our statements were so impressive - that's what you get when kids are fed up.
Kids know what adults & their promises are worth, they pick up on that stuff real quick. The bio dad in OP's post? Is only going to be there when it's convenient for him.
My Dad tried to blame mum. Sadly, I’m forthright to a point of cruelty sometimes, the truth can really hurt. So the blame didn’t wander far from his feckless face
Our son is old enough to realize it and we let bio dad tell him he will be there and then not show up. Is it bad that we let bio dad look bad?
We feel like he is doing it to himself and we are just letting him.
If you’re good legally then I’d suggest talking to Mark if you haven’t already. It’d be unusual for him not to have wondered about his bio dad at some stage. You run the risk of losing Mark’s trust if he ever realises you refused even a meeting without his knowledge - and if the dad’s a piece of shit he’ll make sure Mark finds out at some stage.
Obviously, a meeting means risking Mark being emotionally hurt by the dude but that’s virtually inevitable now. It may be better for both you & Mark to walk through this together now (with a lawyer & therapist) rather than have the asshole approach Mark at an age where you have less ability to control the situation. Eg: Those tricky teen years.
Quick question, is Mark aware that you’re not his bio dad? If his bio dad is serious about having a relationship with him, it may be better for him to wait until Mark is a little older. Just incase he bails again, Mark will be old enough to realize that it’s not about him but his dad’s shit. No matter what you decide, I’d be giving that guy the third degree about exactly why he bailed and didn’t come back after Mark’s mom died.
>Mark’s confused and doesn’t get why this guy suddenly cares.
Sounds like he does know that OP isn’t his biological father and he’s aware of the request for visitation.
I went to court. I agreed to let the bio dad visit with me present for for 6 months every other weekend then he could have alone. He showed up once and never again. My sons 18 and his bio is about to get out of prison for the umpteenth time and they now
Communicate. I raised him right and he’s allowed his choice. I’ll be here when he rips him off or if he finally changes
Then if he has no rights. Keep him away from your son. He thinks because he is biological related he can just pop back in? After he bailed out on him when he was 3 month's old and eight years later comes back.
That's your answer. He has no legal rights happened for a reason. This man may be a bio father, but a judge removed his rights because of his behavior. You had nothing to do with it so don't feel guilty about it. But the judge did not believe this man was in the best interest of your son. So the judge removed his rights. To me that means it's in your sons best interest to not have a relationship with this man.
What's best for mark is a stable father and not someone who rejected him for years then all of a sudden wanted custody. My father was like this and I despise him. There's more ofcourse but if I could go back and tell my mother I would tell her to NOT LET HIM near us. The rejection part is hard to swallow for a child and he will feel the rejection..
Then I would continue to tell him to pound sand if he persists in contacting you.
Let him get a lawyer and try to fight for visitation or anything else.
You keep your lawyer in the loop about anything the sperm donor does that seems concerning and document (and continue to document) anything he does/says.
This isn't about rights, it's about what's best for the kid. Usually that means letting the kid have a relationship with his parent. If the kid grows up and decides to seek him out one day and discovers you prevented them from having a relationship then how do believe the kid will react to that?
The good news is that since he has no rights you get to dictate when, where and how visitation occurs if you decide to grant him any.
Or on the other hand he let's the dad come back and the dad pulls this in and out back and forth making promises but breaking them bullshit and the kid grows up to have extreme trust and commitment issues and it paints future relationships. Or maybe if the dad actually gave a shit he shoulda stuck around and actually been the "parent" he claims he wants to be... parenting is a responsibility, not a fucking hobby
True. Another commenter had mentioned writing a letter during this situation addressed to his son explaining his feelings and the logic behind the decision so that way when the time comes and it starts creating problems he can give it to his son who hopefully will be old enough to read it and understand what OP is going through and why the decision was made, and I really like the idea
This person is unknown to the child. There is no benefit to letting the biodad into the child's life at this point. He has no legal standing, is not in fact the "parent' other than being a sperm donor. This guy has no more meaning to the child than any other random dude off the street.
The guy left when the son was 3 months old, he’s not a parent he’s a sperm donor basically. The child has no idea who the bio dad is and if he wants to see him out when he’s older than okay that’s fine, but it’s not like the kid has a relationship or even knows who the bio dad is. The kid has grown up with op as the only father figure in his life and introducing another “dad” who has been gone his entire life doesn’t sound like a good idea.
Have you watched Fresh Prince? Just because the sperm doner is trying to be the dad doesn't mean it's good for the child. A "parent" is someone who doesn't abandon their child until it's convenient for themselves. He deserves nothing he didn't even care about the kid when he lost his mother! Just because you made the kid doesn't mean you have rights. My daughters creator disappeared as soon as I showed him the little pink plus. He said he hoped we both died. I don't care if he claimed to have found jesus he will NEVER see MY daughter unless she wants too but I've already spoken to her about him she knows the whole story because I don't keep secrets from my child I've showed her pictures of the abuse he did so that she knows what abuse looks like. Op is the dad, and that's all that matters. There's no need to traumatize the poor kid by making him spend time with a TOTAL STRANGER.
I wish I could double up-vote this. I went through joint custody of my kids and ex, and that allowed my kids to see how their dad is. If I had kept him from them, the only thing my kids would want is to know their mystery dad.
Legal adoption severs the rights and obligations of the biological parent.
The biological father has zero rights to visitation or custody. While he may be biologically connected to your son, legally he is no more connected to him than the guy who delivers you mail.
Your son has been through a lot, losing his mother and all.
One day, he may choose to contact the biological father and if that's the case, you can support him in that journey but it's not worth the risk to your son at this time in his life. The biological father could easily abandon him again and that's a difficult thing for a child to process, especially when he has already lost his mom.
I'd tell the bio father to kick rocks.
This! This! THIS!
You are this childs dad. Not that guy. I dont know how you want to explain it, but if it was me I just call him the guy mom knew before me. He wants to be your dad. He may take me to court to try and be yr dad, like we went to court.
And reassure him youll ALWAYS be his dad.
Mark is too young to make the decision for himself in my opinion. I’d keep this guy away from your son for a few more years until Mark understands the risk of getting close with someone capable of and willing to abandon him.
Yes, these are the best answers right here. Mark has already been thru something traumatic. No point in rocking his world again, especially if that’s not what he wants.
Not Wrong OP. It seems from what you’ve written Mark doesn’t want to meet him at this time. I would just have a conversation with him & let him know it’s his decision and it’s ok if he’s not up to it at this time. That if at any point in the future he would like to meet him, that that will be ok too and you can reach out. You’re a good dad and I’m sure you’ll do what’s best for *your* son.
Can also stipulate that he starts helping support him to prove that he’s in it for the long haul/for the right reasons. See if he sticks around after that.
Have your lawyer send him a cease and desist and get a restraining order blocking him from your son's schools and/or daycare. Notify everyone that there are no pickups other than who you list. Then you and your son live happily ever after. This sounds like you're making a great dad way to go! :)
You adopted him. He's your son and ex has zero rights to see him. That being said, at some point Mark is probably going to want to meet biodad. Be prepared for that. Maybe let them see each other once in a while with you there so bio isn't a total stranger.
I fully agree. While there might be some emotional consequences at the end I think writing down your mentality and decision making in a letter for him to read when the inevitable happens can make a clean story that he can wrap his head around.
Usually kids are more mad at the decision when they don’t know the mentality behind it, and if I’m about to be a bad guy with my kid - I want you to see the math on why I did what I did and how we got here in the immediate so I can stand on business later. But that’s just my 2 cents as a mom
Foster parent here.
The biggest issue is you don't know whether he's here to stay or he's going to drop in then drop out.
It does take a village to raise a child. If this guy isn't 99% sh¡T and 1% a55hole, then having another person in the village could be good. Unfortunately I see a lot of this and I predict with my magic 8 ball, that if he really cared he wouldn't have taken 8 years to show up. And it doesn't sound like his family has any interest in this child either. So the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree. 🤔
People say stupid things. But what about the child? He'll want to know his biodad! Well, it is nice to know if cancer runs in your family. But if he's going to show up and love bomb a child, then disappear for a month or a year or another eight. That's not exactly helpful to children. Please ask me how I know, you'll never guess what bio parents do to the children that they treated so bad that they ended up in foster care. They love bomb them and bounce them back and forth between we want you, to we neglect you. If anybody thinks this is helpful for a child's development, you'd be mistaken.
Children like consistency. Children thrive in consistency. Unless this dude is guaranteed to be a consistent positive, so both a consistent, and a consistently positive contribution to your child's life, please tell him to f*** off.
I agree with your sentiment OP, but understand that your son may not. I have two adopted kids. One is totally cool with not knowing and figures if they didn’t want her she doesn’t want them either. The other? He is lost in life. 20 years old, due to have a child of his own any day now, and just wants to know who he is and where he came from, answers I can’t give him. You’re fortunate enough to know who the bio is, we don’t. It might be helpful to monitor some form of communication between them, even if it’s just FaceTime or something, so if your son has questions he can get answers - or he can realize that bio is a piece of shit and decide for himself that knowing answers isn’t worth having bio around. Abandonment is a huge issue for kids, and it can cause so many mental health problems when they don’t have a way to get the answers they crave. The guy is an asshole for walking out, trying to come back 8 years later, and most especially for trying to claim he has some form of rights and wanting custody. He has no rights. That is YOUR son. Your son may need answers to help him understand his place in life though, if that makes sense. I wish you both the best no matter what you decide.
Soo I don’t think you’re wrong but as a person who does so many courses on this (foster system) Kids tend to seek their bio parents (it’s very rare they don’t even the ones who were infants) I want you to keep in mind your son might feel differently whether that’s now (if he knows you’re not his bio dad) or later in life.
Totally agree. We are staying in touch with our adopted children’s parents so they can grow up seeing what their biological parents are like. There’s no mystery, no idolising a fantasy.
My middle son begged to let him stay over at birth mum’s house when he was 7 years old. I took him there for a visit and he walked in and then straight out again.
The older one at 11 is starting to see her true colours. They see her four times a years for a half day at a time and that’s enough for them. Although birth mum is welcome to call at any time she rarely does to talk to her children, usually it’s just to have a go at me about something random.
I think it's important to mention that the research supports as open of adoption as possible. Kids need to see genetic mirrors of themselves. Especially since your son's mother has passed. Take your ego out of the equation, do some research and make decisions that are best for your child, not just convenient for your own feelings.
Lawyer & document EVERYTHING. EVERY CALL. Every thing. Do not allow him to get a foot in the door by meeting him. It will go in his favor if he can prove he isn’t a stranger. He may actually have a shot in court if he didn’t sign away his rights or have knowledge that you were adopting him. It sucks that the courts care more abt making bio parents happy than about what is best for the child. I don’t know if the boy has expressed an interest or desire to get to know his bio dad or if in some ways it would be in his best interests. But that’s what it really comes down to (or should). It should be about what is best for him. You don’t say why he was out of the picture or any details. You say you were there from day one then later say he walked out when the boy was several months old
Fuck that guy! He's a stranger. He's doing this now, because he's playing some kind of angle, certainly not out of the good of his heart. He thinks it's gonna be easy to play "Dad" now because Mark is no longer a baby or toddler, who needs a parent to help them with everything. He left when he was needed most, he doesn't get a do-over. Again, Fuck that guy!
You are not wrong OP! This. “Any man can be a father. But it takes a special man to be a dad.”
YOU ARE MARK’S DAD OP!
As Mark gets older, you can explain EVERYTHING!
But now Mark needs only YOU! Please make it clear to family and friends not to get involved and take Mark to see bio!
You’re the hero without a cape OP!
If he actually cared he’d start with supporting him. Not just threats of “I’m coming to get custody!!!!” It would be wanting to work with you. Asking if there is a way he could be a part. Even if it’s small at first. But nope. It’s always “I have big ideas and I want the whole shebang even though I’ve really done nothing to prove these intentions!”
Someone who is actually serious would know that they don’t know that child. You do, and the best way if they actually wanted to be in the kids life would be to work with you on your terms. He needs to show a bit of humbleness, and ask you what your conditions are, what your rules are.
He’s already has a shot. He’s just showing you red flags. That’s his choice. It’s his job to convince you, not the other way around. Any naysayers can suck on that.
Not wrong.
You adopted him, so either a) he signed off on that or b) he dipped long enough that they ruled abandonment. Legally, he is nothing to mark and has no rights to him, so tell him to kick rocks.
Does your son know his bio is asking to see him. I’d let him decide what level of contact, if any that he’s comfortable with. I’d certainly have some conversations with him about bio’s issues are not his fault or his problem and assure him you’ll always be his dad no matter what, or who, come in and out of his life.
If he has knowledge of the situation those are the things he NEEDS to hear from you!
If you legally adopted Mark he's your son, end of story. Let him take you to court if he's serious but if everything with the adoption was in order he won't have a leg to stand on.
You're not wrong. Since you adopted Mark, you are his legal parent and the sperm donor has no rights. You state you want to do right by Mark so talk to him about the situation. If he wants to meet the donor, seek out a family therapist and do it on your terms. Never let him have alone time with Mark.
NTA
You are his legal father, his bio father has zero rights.
However I’d recommend telling bio dad that should mark request to contact him in the future you’ll reach out. And leave that door open. NOT for bio dad’s sake, but for Mark’s and for the sake of your relationship with Mark. If he’s not currently in therapy I’d get him into therapy and make sure to bring it up to the therapist as well.
When (because in the age of social media it is an inevitable when, not if) his bio father or someone from his family inevitably reaches out to Mark later when he gets older and claims you forbade a relationship if it ever became something he wanted, that has to potential to irreparably damage your relationship with him.
At least by saying “not at this time” instead of never, it allows you to have the discussion with Mark as he gets older should he make that request, instead of facing a teen or young man who now views you as his enemy for preventing that relationship entirely.
I was raised by a maternal aunt, always knew who my bio mom and dad were but was never comfortable with either one of them. They gave me away, YOU are his Dad. Do not let this man disrupt you and your sons life, if he wants to pursue a relationship when he’s older, that with be up to him. Protect him from this confusing relationship until he’s older. Just say no for now, unless he’s already met him.
YANW. Sounds like the bio dad has done some research. He probably knows that YOUR son, is entitled to death benefits. And wants them. Do what ever you have to do, to keep YOUR son, away from that man. He’s only in it for the money he thinks he deserves. Protect your child.
Tell his bio Dad to pound sand, you are his Father. I’m a 51 year old with a sperm donor and a Father- the sperm donor always shows you who they are. To this day my Father (step dad) is the number one guy in my life! Always and forever
In the kindest and most empathetic way possible, OP, may I just gently point out that unless the two of you split before her untimely passing (and I'm so sorry for your and your son's great loss), the dear lady you speak of is not your *ex*-fianceé, she's your *late* fiancee. This clarifies and honors the nature of your relationship and her role in your life.
I'm not going to say you're wrong or right.
You have a lot more information about the situation and people involved than i do.
What i would say is that you should make your decisions with your future son in mind.
Not your son as he is right now.
But your son as a 16 year old.
Your son as an 18 year old.
Your son as a 40 year old, with sons of his own (maybe).
Looking back in his life, what might your future son have wanted you to do?
If, as a 16 year old, he came and asked you about his bio father and you told him about how you'd handled things at the time, would he be happy with you, or angry with you?
How would he react if his bio father tracks him down and contacts him as a 16 year old with no warning?
How would he react if you told him everything once he reached 18 years of age, but his bio father had already died in the meantime, so he'd never get to meet him?
You won't be able to account for every possible scenario, and shouldn't even try.
But I'd advise you to err on the side of age-appropriate honesty. Teenagers don't react well to finding out they've been lied to. No one does.
- Maybe you have a family tree on the wall in your son's room, that includes his bio father, so that he doesn't get an unwelcome surprise on his 16th birthday.
- Maybe you get to know the bio father better, on his own, before deciding what to do.
- Maybe you decide to allow supervised visits once a month.
- Maybe you allow occasional unsupervised visits once your son is old enough to physically defend himself against possible abuse/call you/transport himself home.
- Maybe you don't allow visits while he's under your care, but give him his bio father's number on his 18th birthday.
You've got a lot of options, you don't have to decide right away, and you can always change your mind later.
So think about things and go from there.
The one thing I'd advise you against is holding on too tightly out of fear that you'll lose your son. That's a very fast way to drive your son away from you all by yourself.
Be a chill, supporting presence in his life instead.
No he doesn't deserve a shot, he bailed, and you could not have adopted him without his permission any way, the kid is yours. I would agree go get an attorney. Adoption though requires the father to sign off.
I understand your desire to protect your son at all cost, but definitely get a lawyer. I don’t you think you have to be on the birth certificate to be the bio dad. A DNA has will prove that. Maybe it goes state to state or country to country but I was always told in order to legally adopt, You have to have the father surrender his rights to legally adopt him. But again consultant attorney. Best of luck.
Info: are you 100% sure he was fully aware of mark being his child since mark was born, and did not make any attempt that may have been shut down by mom (even if for good reason)?
You have every right to feel the way you do.
I wonder if there is a middle path between cutting him out entirely, and messing your son around.
I have seen family therapists recommend a slow process whereby the parents meet and talk first, and based on that they may move forward with short, supervised visits at, eg, a playground or other neutral space. If those go well, greater involvement can slowly be introduced. Obviously any progress depends entirely on the bio donor’s behaviour towards both you and your son.
If you think this could be a possibility, I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specialises in this kind of thing from the child’s perspective, so that they can guide you both through the process.
Good luck, OP. It’s a difficult situation and I can see you want to do what’s right for your son.
You are the most wonderful right possible. Mark is your son legally and emotionally. You are Mark’s dad. You have every right to get a restraining order or a cease and desist order to keep the mooch away.
Your priority is protecting your son. Bio-dad is judged based on his actions and he’s unreliable. Setting up Mark for hurt and disappointment now will have more negative impact.
When he’s older work with a therapist to tell him the truth (he’s adopted - if you haven’t already) and then eventually let him choose if he wanted to open the opportunity for a relationship with his bio-dad.
Not Wrong.
Tell asshole sperm donor he can START by paying all the child support that he ducked WITH INTEREST at 30%, compounded monthly, then maybe try asking rather than demanding.
Not wrong, but your kiddo will ask questions. It is good to have age appropriate discussions when he initiates questions and soon if he doesn’t. This can be managed well with works. I hope you were able to get some therapy or you will because of losing his Mom. A good therapist can help you navigate this and how best to incorporate contact. I suggest contact be done through a therapy session when it is time to help your child process as it goes along. A third neutral party can ensure the dna contributor stays in his lane.
You mean to tell me that there are people in your own family that want you to give up the kid to a deadbeat dad?
Seriously?
Please list exactly which family member said that and how fast you blocked them.
I don't believe this is real, however subject to the advice of a lawyer in your jurisdiction, I would recommend this: you don't have a single, solitary clue who this man is. You don't know he's the father. You don't know anything.
If he wants access to your son, then let him go through the courts, starting with a DNA test as ordered by the court.
Do not give him even one minute more than what you are ordered to by a judge.
Let's see how long he sticks around when he has to fight against someone who truly loves your son.
Not wrong. Son is probably confused, therapy for you two might be helpful. You adopted your son so that means bio dad's rights were even given up or taken away by court. Sperm donors don't have rights. See if you can find out why he is suddenly back. Is there someone (grandparent maybe) who is dying that is planning on leaving your son an inheritance that sperm donor wants? If you can hire a private detective to dig into sperm donor's family
Why did the sperm donor leave and what is his reasoning for returning to his life? I would tread carefully. Coming back after all these years and immediately not respecting boundaries and insinuating custody is a huge red flag. If you give this man an inch of opening, he will take mile.
YNW
But I would want to make sure you're making the right decision for your son.
Does he know you're not his bio dad? Has he ever expressed a want to meet said bio dad?
If the answer to either of those questions is yes, I think it's something you should consider. However, bio dad needs to go to court and do the work to prove he's serious.
NTA, but you better make sure everything is legally squared away with a lawyer. It sounds like the Sperm Donor would probably try to sue you anyway, despite not having any legal rights. You’re also going to want to keep records of your interactions with him in case his behavior escalates, and you need to file a protective order.
NTA. He had to have given up parental rights for you to adopt him. He is too young to be used as a plaything for some flake and his likely just as flaky family who, I am assuming, also has don't nothing to contact or support you. If you don't know him or his habits or his life I would not let him near your son.
Do a deep dive into his life and if you find reasons to keep him away, you can share them later.
The child wasn't given up for traditional adoption so he knew he was shirking his responsibility. Does he plan to pay back child support?/s
My partner still suffers from an in and out dad experience, in childhood. He would have been better off leaving him alone.
The guy waited 8 years to show up and care, he can wait a few more years until mark is old enough to understand and want a relationship. Youre his father, if you don’t think it’s good for mark, dont do it.
If you have adopted your son, then bio dad has no rights at all. But my opinion is that you should let him see the kid once in a while so that your son doesn’t grow up thinking that you kept him from his biological father. The sad truth is that with just a few short visits, bio dad is likely to disappear again. He has a proven track record.
Protect *your son* no matter what. Mark is your child. You love him and he loves you. You are his father. Sperm donor can come back when *and if* Mark chooses after his 18th birthday and not on his birthday, but after. I have a feeling he’d ruin the party.
My daughter’s mom took off, hard core drug addictions, criminal record etc. I have full custody, she has a no contact order. My daughter is 13. When she asked to come back I nicely said she’s focused on school, sports and friends. When she’s 18 give her a call and she’ll handle it how she wants.
Kids need to be focused on grades and development not some randoms whim of the day.
Not wrong - protect the child. Mark knows you as his father. You are his father as you adopted him. Does Mark know he is adopted?
You can treat bio-dad in the same context as an adoption. Look into what that looks like - most open adoptions mean you send an annual letter through the adoption agency to the parent. The child can the reach out when they’re 18, but don’t have to.
I have a lot to say about this...
My real mom and dad were married when I was born... BUT my dad was an addict and was not there when I was born...
He tried a few times to see me after... BUT my mom was really pissed off at him and didn't want him around me...
As I got older I was told about my Dad and I kept asking to meet him... apparently my mom knew the whole time how to find him... BUT never did...
When I was 20...he saved me from a terrible life and came and got me...I am 53 now and I lost him on December 17 2023... this was my first father's day without him...
My son...has never met his dad...he knows about him... and we could have found him a number of times...my son is 26 now and said if his dad showed up he would slam the door in his face and walk away...
I believe that you need to explain EVERYTHING to Mark...as it happened...let him decide what he wants out of the relationship...
Explain to his dad...he will never have custody because of what he did... and that he will have to have supervision when he sees his son...at least for a while...
People make mistakes and do selfish things...
Maybe he was not ready to be a dad... OR didn't think that he was good enough...or had an addiction and is clean now...
THERE are so many reasons why he might have left...
BUT as long as Mark is safe...
Please don't keep him from knowing his dad if he wants to...
BUT also... don't make him see him if he doesn't want to... unless it does come to court order...
This is a very hard situation and I hope and pray for you and Mark ❣️
Let your kid lead. If he wants to spend time then let him in small bursts in public with you present, etc. If your kid isn't interested in getting to know his bio dad then don't make him. If bio dad wants to force it then let him take you to court because I doubt he'll spend the actual money and be patient enough to establish a relationship, etc through the courts to be considered for partial custody. Just keep all interactions for evidence.
Nope, you are dad. This blow in was simply the genetic material that made him. He chose to walk away and now he has to live with the consequences. If Mark starts to show genuine interest later in life, well that’s different and once he’s an adult he can get to know him if he wants.
Mark is confused. Can you ask Mark to speak to a therapist? Or set an age when he can decide and get his approval on that? I don't think you want Mark growing up thinking he would really like to talk to him but you wouldn't let him (I'm NOT saying that is what you're doing, but perhaps how he'll remember it later). That's why a therapist would be nice. I'm just thinking out loud, it's a difficult situation to know what is the right thing to do.
Your son is eight and would probably understand better now than years from now that he has a bio dad that you kept away. You have every reason to keep that due away but Mark should know what’s going on. Not so much for today; for tomorrow.
First off, you adopted him. He’s not your ex’s kid. He’s YOUR kid. Second, I would not let this guy near MY son. Blood only goes so far. Tell him you’ll let Mark decide when he’s 18. If he doesn’t leave you and Mark alone, seek a restraining order. You may need to explain things to Mark. It’s important for him to know that his bio dad may not seem harmful but he’s not safe for Mark right now.
OP - you’re sweet Mark’s legal farther. Bio dad is nothing more than Mark’s sperm donor. The end :) As your son’s father, you get and deserve the same respect as ANY other father with respect to “how related you are”.
Bio dad is delulu and has no leg to stand on.
OP - please know I have no legal background, but based off of the the laws that I’m aware of (and let’s be honest - common sense - you adopted him!), I don’t think you have to give anyone a vote and if they are “split” then good for them. You’re the father and at the end of the day, you call the shots and from what it sounds like you are wonderful person and father who stepped up and gave this little boy stability and then cemented it in rhodium by adopting him when his mama passed.
Lastly - I am so very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. You having Mark makes me so happy for this reason too - so you can have a piece of her with you always and forever 🫶
Good thing you talked to a lawyer. If you’re in the clear and he has no rights, then the question becomes — what does your son want? He may be 8 but I think that’s old enough to make these kinds of decisions, by that age I know I would certainly be pissed if I had a family member forced into my life against my will.
Many good comments. I really want to say how lucky both you and your son to have each other in your lives. You both came through the tragedy of losing the love of you life and your son, his mother. Stay the course and seek an attorney. Document any future contract from the runaway sperm donor. Prayers for you both.
Put child's interested first. He may want relationship with bio dad. He may resent you if you prevent it.
Talk to son and make a plan with protections in place?
You’re not wrong. You raised him. You are his dad. I would file a restraining order, and/or make sure the school doesn’t give any info or release your son to him.
To the people saying give him a chance he’s back now…are POSs! So when he up and leaves again your kid is heart broken?! No. Don’t let him in. Maybe also get a therapist for mark in case as well.
You're not wrong in feeling bitter.
But the fact is adopted children usually go look for their bio parents eventually.
Be prepared.
Don't be hurt.
This is human nature.
You can go look up how common this is.
Some to the effect of being rude to the "parent" who looks after them for their day to day needs.
This is most common in step parent situations.
This guy will try to get in touch with your kid personally whether now or in the future.
I don't know if you want to prepare your kid for possible unwanted contact/abduction.
Seek professional advices.
Do not give consent to the guy.
You're his dad. Make the decision that's in his best interests. A no now doesn't mean no forever. If and when he's ready, you can reassess. This guy was obviously very, very MIA for the adoption to be approved. I'd maybe suggest supervised access once per month until Mark is comfortable and he's proved his commitment, but if that's not the right thing for Mark rn, hold off.
I'm sorry for your loss. And respect for stepping up for this child from the start.
Contact a lawyer and see if he even had custody and how costing would work. Cuz u were never married do y have legal custody or would grandparents have it etc etc.
Mark’s biodad exists and one day Mark will probably want to meet him. You are legally Mark’s dad and that is a given. Before saying ‘no’ to Mark seeing him, get some expert advice: see a family / child counselor and a lawyer. The counselor / therapist can help you with navigating and how much or little to share with Mark. The path may be that Mark is aware biodad is out there and if he wants to meet him some day then you can facilitate it (means you are supportive and transparent and he won’t have to go behind your back). The family lawyer will advise you what your rights are, and importantly biodad’s rights. You can then write to biodad with your approach that is based on pediatric behavioural psychology and legally grounded. Also - if Mark has a challenging time as a teen (who doesn’t?) and reaches out to biodad then you have evidence that your approach was looking after what was and is best for Mark, esp if biodad said you blocked the relationship. Take care - so sorry you lost your partner and lucky for Mark you are a caring dad.
Back pay all child support first. Then set up payment plan moving forward. If he’s serious- this won’t stop him. If he’s not. He’s not.
Also, make sure you have a plan for Mark if something happens to you.
I have friends who kinda lived this scenario. Of course they want to see their biological father, but it's short lived. The dude shows up, smokes our weed, and dips out again. I'd love to see someone make a change for the better, but let's be real here. If they were gone for YEARS then it's doubtful there's much change they could make. 🤷♂️🤷♀️🤷
That child has grown up with you. As far as he is concerned you are ‘dad’.
He deserves the opportunity to know his bio dad if his bio dad is trying to have a relationship ship with him.
I understand the fear and insecurity tied to losing your son to the bio dad, but that is the least likely thing to happen.
When your son is sick, afraid, sad or in turmoil, who do you think he will instinctively run to? That’s not going to change.
Nta but first find out what he’s been doing all this time, talk to his friends and family and find out if he is dependable. I know you’re hurt but maybe he is changed. You will only see.
Had two family members who’s baby daddy pulled this when their kids were around your son age and the stepdads wanted to legally adopt them. Once they were told that if they “sperm donor” didn’t sign away rights and sought custody/ visitation they pull file fore EVERY LADT PENNY plus interest of child support.
The losers signed.
Let him know If he goes or custody he will have support back support from many years and it will be very expensive.... Call the bluff and give another one
You are the only parent this child has. Being a father is way more than sharing DNA with your kid. Dude has been MIA for 8 years!!! I wouldn’t let someone with that type of judgement and lack of basic morals around anyone’s kid let alone a child that’s experienced so much loss at such a young age. Spare him the added trauma. If he wants to seek out his bio dad when he’s older you can support him in doing so.
Here's what you do.
Set up a college fund account for Mark. Tell bio dad that he must deposit funds no less than monthly, every month, for one full year.
Set up an email account (YOU will be in charge and reading it, not the child) and tell bio dad that you expect one email per week, every Sunday, to tell you how his week went. He should write it as if he's writing to Mark (but, you will not show Mark yet). You expect this to continue every single Sunday for one full year.
Tell bio dad that **IF** he can do these 2 things consistently,then you'll *consider* allowing him some limited contact.
I'd bet lots of money this bio-fool won't be able or willing to do either thing. But it gives you the ability to tell Mark that you tried but bio dad was incapable of the responsibilities of even parenting from afar, so of course he wouldn't be consistent enough to parent in person.
It gives you the moral high ground. You did all the right things.
Dang, this situation is drawl’n… had a friend in almost identical situation; deceased mother and bio pops wants to come back after the more difficult years are past and he can bathroom on his own and outside and play on his own… bio dad was on again off again substance abuse issues so adopted dad held off till he was around 14 or so… gave into bio dad, then bio dad split after a few months, total bs but that’s how it “could” go possibly… bio dad didn come back after mom died 4 yrs ago¿ that’s pretty busted honestly… best of luck to you🫱🏾🫲🏼
I think you’re completely in the right to protect your son. He walked out on his kid, you stepped up and adopted your son, that means the bio dad had to sign away his parental rights or either had them revoked by a judge. It’s your choice if you want bio dad in your son’s life at all.
If I were you I’d look into a private investigator or ask to find out why he suddenly wants to be apart of your son’s life. I’ve seen men and women run out on their kids for years and only make a reappearance when someone else enters their life who wants children.
You are the adoptive father. Get a lawyer and sue the bio dad for the emotional distress he is attempting to inflict on YOUR CHILD so he can get his greedy hands on that SSI survivors benefit.
Condolences on your loss. Anyone who thinks that someone who abandoned his child deserves to see him - is not a friend. Cut that contact ASAP.
Not wrong
He gave up that right along time ago and Mark has a right to have a life and move on from that. Because he feels good and ready now doesn’t give him the right to come in and interrupt this child’s life. This child already went through a loss he doesn’t need any more drama in his life. Just continue to do what you’re doing and keep him away.
You are the REAL DAD! This other guy seems like a flaky POS. You could maybe and I mean maybe keep him at arms length like an uncle at best. Supervised visits and stuff. But inky if you think it won’t cause any harm.
Go and talk it all through with a family therapist (just you). They’ll be aware of the consequences of the various options and timelines ahead for Mark, and can advise based on their extensive experience of similar situations and outcomes. It will most certainly give you more peace to have checked your intentions with an expert. Also, you’ll have so much more leverage to tell everyone to fuck off when you can say ‘I’ve checked the strategy carefully with a professional, excuse me if I rate their opinion above yours, Aunty Gertrude/My mate Jason/Bio Dad.’
I’m sure if he wants to pay for all of those years in back child support, and current and future. . .but I agree with you. If he can’t do anything legally, I wouldn’t allow a relationship right now. Having said that, when your son gets older, he can start a relationship with him.
You're angry as you should be he walked, I'd be pissed too, but Mark has a right to know. He should be given a choice. Get him some counselling to help navigate the situation.
As a parent myself, I understand the need to protect him and not let him get hurt. Have you met with the bio dad and know why he wants to be in his life?
I never knew my bio dad growing up. And it affected me.
At the end of the day, it's about what's best for Mark. You need to out your feelings aside and do what's best for him.
Yes this guy has no right to show up and cause turmoil in your son’s life. He is just doing more damage than good popping up because now he’s ready to know his own kid. Keep that boy safe from this guys games. Your son will just get hurt by this asshole
My sister adopted her children, and as they were all foster to adopt, various bio family members were still in the picture, from parents who had rights terminated, to grandparents, half-sibs, cousins, etc. She and my bil let the familes stay in contact and even made an effort to keep siblings in touch. They befriended the bioparents, and stayed in contact. My sister now thinks she should not have been so willing to allow access like that. None of those people were willing or able to step up and care for the kids when their parents were abusing and neglecting them, lost in their addictions. No one not working in recovery was allowed contact, but people went in and out of it, thus in and out of their lives. They would have been better with a clean break, cultural issues aside.
I'd tell the guy to kick rocks if I were you. When your son asks for him, all on his own, without prompting, then you will consider supervised contact.
OK. Lawyer first. Stop. Do not pass go. Contact a good lawyer.
The lawyer will help you with the law. But you also need to think through what’s right. And when thinking this through, there is exactly one important factor – what is best for Mark. It doesn’t matter what is best for you and it doesn’t matter what’s best for dead beat bio dad.
And we know the answer to this question. The answer is Mark will thrive best in a stable secure environment. That’s what you’ve created for him. Keep him safe. Make sure he feels loved and tell bio dad to return when Mark is an adult and can make the decision himself.
Sperm doesn’t make you a dad, you fathered a child but being a dad is everything after that.
I honestly think for me pregnancy is a snap compared to the absolute time and effort it takes to be a mother.
If Mark wants a relationship with his bio dad he can make that decision when he turns 18. Until then you are his dad, this other guy has zero rights and is causing issues for the wrong reasons. Nobody who actually cares about a child would threaten to take them away from the only father he's known.
My husband's bio father gave up all rights when he was an older baby, in return, my mil didn't want a dime from him. Once in a while he would pop back in but would always disappear again. My fil is (was, he passed two weeks ago) his step Dad, who came in when he was a toddler and was absolutely his Dad. It was actually really hard on my husband to have his bio father pop in and out, it was actually better when he just wasn't around. As a man in his 40s, my husband finally told his bio father he is either part of his life or not, and they now actually talk fairly regularly. But it messed him up for a lot of years. Even now, his step Dad is his Dad, his bio is his father, and the respect is different. My point is if this man has not been around, you don't know if he is actually going to change, and your only priority is protecting your son, who is too young to understand someone popping in and out. If you want to give him a chance, you could have a few set supervised visits, but as soon as he misses one, they are done. Sadly, this man has shown his true colors over the last 8 years. People can change, but you can't risk your son being hurt if this man hasn't. He isn't anything but a biological connection, and it would absolutely be ok for you to say he needs to wait til your son is older if he wants to try to get to know him. He probably won't be around that long though.
No, you’re not wrong. Obviously I don’t know the full story but from what you’ve said, Mark’s better off without that disruption. Also, and I might be wrong here, when you adopted Mark, did the sperm donor have to officially relinquish rights?
Anyway, I can’t get past that phuckstick not even showing up when Mark’s Mom died.
You = not wrong.
I strongly suggest joining adoption groups and see how adoptees feel. You're his dad nothing and no one is going to change that. Even if one day he and his bio father build a relationship that man will never be able to replace you.
So dad for sure 100% has rights, all he has to do is take you to court, establish a dna test proving kid is his whether he is on the birth certificate or not, and he gets to take the kid. You have no rights over that kid since you didnt legally adopt the child, and he never signed away his parental rights. As 💩 as bio dad is he can most certainly take you to court and a judge will give him to his bio dad, you have no legal rights to the child.
You’re not wrong
He’s your son, you adopted him and that was a smart move on your part. Bio dad hasn’t even been in the picture long and he’s causing chaos and anxiety. Loving parents do what’s best for the child and in this case, the best thing the dad can do is thank you for taking care of his son and back off, leave the door open just in case Mark wants to contact him in the future
Thankfully you don’t have to worry about losing custody because you legally adopted him
Mate You are that wee boys DAD and it’s your job to protect him and nurture him and you are doing a fantastic job of that!
Tell bio dad to GTF , if the wee boy wants to know him he will find him when he is an adult himself.
Bio dad just doesn’t have the right to turn up and expect to play happily family.
Nope..no way! This is legally YOUR son and you absolutely need to protect him from any hurt his bio dad will afflict upon him. I’m sorry but he gave away his child years ago and legally he can’t do shit about it..I can’t understand how anyone would think allowing this man into your son’s life is a good idea?! He walked away with not a care in the world for years knowing he had a son and his mother passed away and still crickets..this will be a hell of a lot of emotional damage if he weasels his way back into your sons life…
YOUR Son, Mark, is EIGHT, hardly emotionally and mentally equipped to deal with a deadbeat STRANGER after everything he's been through in his young life. Thank you for stepping up. I'm sure you love(d) them both and likely needed Mark as much as he needed YOU during the tragic loss of your fiancee/Mark's Momma!
I would be MORE inclined to think this dirtbag might think there's $money$ involved since Mark's beloved Momma was killed by a drunk driver. Or he may HAVE good intentions, but frankly, it's too little, too late!
You KNOW Mark, you can explain as gently as you can what YOU feel Mark should know. Personally, I would tell the jerk that if he's truly interested, he should create a College fund that he can give Mark when he turns 18, but UNTIL that time, Mark is YOUR Son and YOUR priority.
BioDad is completely responsible for the absence of a relationship with Mark. It was HIS choice to bail and HIS decision to NOT show up when Mark's Mother, his EX, passed away. Mark COULD have ended up **in the system** because bioDad's lack of concern or care. He CAN'T just come waltzing back into yours and Mark's life to disrupt the FAMILY the two of you have created.
Any family or friends telling you that you're wrong for not allowing them to have a relationship is completely misguided. Mark (and you) have been through quite enough. NO ONE but the dirtbag knows his TRUE intentions and he could seriously damage YOUR Son so I wouldn't even take the chance. If worse comes to worst, you may even want to consider moving away because this jerk is NOT thinking about what's **best** for Mark!
I'm truly sorry for yours and Mark's grievous loss! Best wishes and many Blessings for BOTH your future happiness and a successful future!
You are not wrong.
Please please make sure this man does not have access to Mark.
Make Mark understand to never go anywhere with him. Notify the school of the situation so they don't release Mark to him. Make sure every single family or friend who is "on the fence" knows they are not to give any info or access to your son under any circumstance.
Assume this guy is unhinged and protect your child accordingly. I'm not trying to scare you, I just want you to keep your son safe cuz we don't know what that man's deal is.
Assuming you officially adopted him, he has no rights to Mark. It's like he was a sperm bank donor. Let him try to take you to court. You are not wrong!
Nope. Never in a million years. Don’t let him near your child. Anyone who tries to say otherwise to you gets cut off. This is not negotiable and stop letting people guilt you into something you know fine well is wrong.
You are not wrong to feel that way. The bio dad has no rights whatsoever and you can make that clear.
Your son, at some point, will be curious about his bio family so I think it's a bad idea to cut him off completely. Mark is rightly confused by the situation and needs reassurance that you are his dad.
If bio dad will accept an 'uncle' role, then he could play a small part in your son's life, if Mark wants that - strictly supervised of course.
But if biodad is aggressive, then lawyer up and put him straight.
As you've adopted Mark, you're legally covered and the guy has no rights. However, now is time to think about Mark himself.
Keeping his heritage from him will be confusing for him. At 8, kids can appreciate that there are secrets or things being muttered between adults and a strange man trying to meet him.
At 12/14, when you hit the whole puberty, rebellious teenage years, a mysterious guy turns up offering a secret and gifts. I guarantee you'll have a mess of questions and recriminations. You will look like the bad guy for keeping secrets.
Now, is the time (difficult though it will be) for you to build the strong defenses around the two of. I would recommend the help of a therapist. Tell him the background. How this is what his mum wanted. How you will, when he's older, work with him to meet bio-dad but now is not the time. And when he does want to meet. Be there with them both, so there is no secret meetings and bio-dad trying to turn him against you. All through this, keep reinforcing that you are his dad. The therapist can help show how adoption is about choosing Mark as your son and how important that is.
“He deserves a shot now that he’s ready” um what? So people think it’s okay for this dude to be a nonexistent and shit father, but awww how sweet he wants to play daddy now? Since, you know, the kid is no longer in diapers and such? Yeah, no. He wants to play out some redeeming fantasy in his head/on social media.
You said he has no rights, good there is your answer. You need to protect your child from this AH. All this is on him if he hadn’t abandoned his child this story would be different. He needs to accept the consequences of his actions.
Get an attorney. No contact with bio-dad. He should only deal with attorney.
In most places it would have been posted before the adoption was finalized. You should be fine.
Not wrong. You say you adopted Mark, that makes him legally your son. This guy left the second he could and hasn't been in Mark's life since. It doesn't sound like he's been paying support, either. I assume you've fully checked to see what rights this guy has, but even if he still has some, courts will do what's best for the child, not the parent. It doesn't sound like this deadbeat randomly popping up for the fun bits would be in Mark's best interests.
Plus, if this guy chooses to 'fight for his rights' that means accepting the responsibilities, too. Including child support payments, back dated to Mark's birth if he hasn't already been paying that. It also wouldn't remove your rights, and you're the legal father. You'd have to agree to visitation, or follow a court ordered schedule, or it doesn't happen. You're the one the school will call, you'll make medical decisions, you can veto any plans you don't like or think Mark won't like. Everything will be your call, not his.
The best thing to do here is to deny this guy. Keep info on him to give to Mark when he wants to know more, and let Mark decide what he wants to do about bio dad when he's older. But protect your son. This guy has skipped out before and ignored his son completely, he will do it again the moment he gets bored or it's not fun anymore. Mark doesn't need that feeling of abandonment.
Keeping full custody? No - you are marks father period end of story. This guy was nothing but a sperm donor.
Shutting him out? That’s a tough one. I’m going with no since you are coming from a place of love and protection.
However, there is a chance sperm donor is trying to turn a page. Fast forward years from now, sperm donor gets in touch with Mark via social media and he gets to spin a giant bedtime story where you are the evil villain and him the superhero. If Mark doesn’t actually know any of this, I do think he needs to know in an age appropriate way. Mark should also be in therapy when this discussion happens so he can have help processing his feelings and emotions.
Unfortunately this isn’t an easy situation and while you did the right thing for today, the future is a bit murky with how all these decisions will play out. Being a teenager is hard, your mom passing away when you were a kid and having bio dad leave is going to be a huge hurdle for Mark to deal with as he starts thinking about these things in depth.
Nta but I’d make sure you are legally registered as the dad in some way to protect your custody and rights legally. Ie are you on the birth certificate or did you adopt him? Good luck op.
You need a lawyer first, not reddit.
I did the guy haves no rights.
I would wait until your son is old enough to decide. Until then I would protect him.
This. My dad left us suddenly. We never saw him. Then a couple of years later he showed wanting to see us. He’d make arrangements, we’d all get ready, be packed, stood waiting, coat on, for hours and hours just waiting. Tearful, angry, even more hurt and confused. If he did show up which was less than a 50% chance, very very late, he’d dump us at his Mums house and clear off chasing tail again. Fuck that shit. We all said we didn’t want to go anymore after several years of this stuff. I stilll despise that pos
My bio dad did the same shit and when we didn't want to go anymore, he blamed it on our mom and took her to court. Judge didn't believe him for one second because our statements were so impressive - that's what you get when kids are fed up. Kids know what adults & their promises are worth, they pick up on that stuff real quick. The bio dad in OP's post? Is only going to be there when it's convenient for him.
My Dad tried to blame mum. Sadly, I’m forthright to a point of cruelty sometimes, the truth can really hurt. So the blame didn’t wander far from his feckless face
Good for you! Sometimes harsh truth is the only thing that manages to get through to that kind of people. And consequences to their actions of course.
Our son is old enough to realize it and we let bio dad tell him he will be there and then not show up. Is it bad that we let bio dad look bad? We feel like he is doing it to himself and we are just letting him.
You feared he’d not show. Only he made it fact, not you. You gave him a chance, he blew it
No I had to do that with my oldest.
This is the answer
If you’re good legally then I’d suggest talking to Mark if you haven’t already. It’d be unusual for him not to have wondered about his bio dad at some stage. You run the risk of losing Mark’s trust if he ever realises you refused even a meeting without his knowledge - and if the dad’s a piece of shit he’ll make sure Mark finds out at some stage. Obviously, a meeting means risking Mark being emotionally hurt by the dude but that’s virtually inevitable now. It may be better for both you & Mark to walk through this together now (with a lawyer & therapist) rather than have the asshole approach Mark at an age where you have less ability to control the situation. Eg: Those tricky teen years.
You are absolutely NTA. You have legally adopted Mark and he is YOUR son, not his sperm donors. Keep protecting and being a good father to your Mark.
This is spot on. Youre killing it as Mark's dad, so don't let anyone make you feel bad about that. You have the rights, fight for it.
Quick question, is Mark aware that you’re not his bio dad? If his bio dad is serious about having a relationship with him, it may be better for him to wait until Mark is a little older. Just incase he bails again, Mark will be old enough to realize that it’s not about him but his dad’s shit. No matter what you decide, I’d be giving that guy the third degree about exactly why he bailed and didn’t come back after Mark’s mom died.
>Mark’s confused and doesn’t get why this guy suddenly cares. Sounds like he does know that OP isn’t his biological father and he’s aware of the request for visitation.
I went to court. I agreed to let the bio dad visit with me present for for 6 months every other weekend then he could have alone. He showed up once and never again. My sons 18 and his bio is about to get out of prison for the umpteenth time and they now Communicate. I raised him right and he’s allowed his choice. I’ll be here when he rips him off or if he finally changes
Awesome. Based on the post, you aren't wrong. But what were the details of their separation and his departure?
Then if he has no rights. Keep him away from your son. He thinks because he is biological related he can just pop back in? After he bailed out on him when he was 3 month's old and eight years later comes back.
That's your answer. He has no legal rights happened for a reason. This man may be a bio father, but a judge removed his rights because of his behavior. You had nothing to do with it so don't feel guilty about it. But the judge did not believe this man was in the best interest of your son. So the judge removed his rights. To me that means it's in your sons best interest to not have a relationship with this man.
What's best for mark is a stable father and not someone who rejected him for years then all of a sudden wanted custody. My father was like this and I despise him. There's more ofcourse but if I could go back and tell my mother I would tell her to NOT LET HIM near us. The rejection part is hard to swallow for a child and he will feel the rejection..
Then I would continue to tell him to pound sand if he persists in contacting you. Let him get a lawyer and try to fight for visitation or anything else. You keep your lawyer in the loop about anything the sperm donor does that seems concerning and document (and continue to document) anything he does/says.
Then protect your son. Glad you have each other
This isn't about rights, it's about what's best for the kid. Usually that means letting the kid have a relationship with his parent. If the kid grows up and decides to seek him out one day and discovers you prevented them from having a relationship then how do believe the kid will react to that? The good news is that since he has no rights you get to dictate when, where and how visitation occurs if you decide to grant him any.
Or on the other hand he let's the dad come back and the dad pulls this in and out back and forth making promises but breaking them bullshit and the kid grows up to have extreme trust and commitment issues and it paints future relationships. Or maybe if the dad actually gave a shit he shoulda stuck around and actually been the "parent" he claims he wants to be... parenting is a responsibility, not a fucking hobby
Not disagreeing about the dad but trust will also become an issue if the kid finds out his bio dad came looking & was denied access.
True. Another commenter had mentioned writing a letter during this situation addressed to his son explaining his feelings and the logic behind the decision so that way when the time comes and it starts creating problems he can give it to his son who hopefully will be old enough to read it and understand what OP is going through and why the decision was made, and I really like the idea
>Mark’s confused and doesn’t get why this guy suddenly cares. Sounds like he’s aware of his bio father’s request for visitation.
OP needs to be honest with his son, about the bio dad wanting to meet, but it sounds like he already has been.
This person is unknown to the child. There is no benefit to letting the biodad into the child's life at this point. He has no legal standing, is not in fact the "parent' other than being a sperm donor. This guy has no more meaning to the child than any other random dude off the street.
The guy left when the son was 3 months old, he’s not a parent he’s a sperm donor basically. The child has no idea who the bio dad is and if he wants to see him out when he’s older than okay that’s fine, but it’s not like the kid has a relationship or even knows who the bio dad is. The kid has grown up with op as the only father figure in his life and introducing another “dad” who has been gone his entire life doesn’t sound like a good idea.
Have you watched Fresh Prince? Just because the sperm doner is trying to be the dad doesn't mean it's good for the child. A "parent" is someone who doesn't abandon their child until it's convenient for themselves. He deserves nothing he didn't even care about the kid when he lost his mother! Just because you made the kid doesn't mean you have rights. My daughters creator disappeared as soon as I showed him the little pink plus. He said he hoped we both died. I don't care if he claimed to have found jesus he will NEVER see MY daughter unless she wants too but I've already spoken to her about him she knows the whole story because I don't keep secrets from my child I've showed her pictures of the abuse he did so that she knows what abuse looks like. Op is the dad, and that's all that matters. There's no need to traumatize the poor kid by making him spend time with a TOTAL STRANGER.
I wish I could double up-vote this. I went through joint custody of my kids and ex, and that allowed my kids to see how their dad is. If I had kept him from them, the only thing my kids would want is to know their mystery dad.
He lost his parental rights when you adopted Mark. He’s probably just trying to claim him to get government benefits and Mark’s mom’s social security.
Oh I was looking for the scam.....there it is......
I agree with you. Bio dad had plenty of time to step up, but he chose not to until now. Mark knows who his real dad is.
Speaking of the mom - I don’t like the title. She should be his “late” fiancé, not his ex fiancé
Legal adoption severs the rights and obligations of the biological parent. The biological father has zero rights to visitation or custody. While he may be biologically connected to your son, legally he is no more connected to him than the guy who delivers you mail. Your son has been through a lot, losing his mother and all. One day, he may choose to contact the biological father and if that's the case, you can support him in that journey but it's not worth the risk to your son at this time in his life. The biological father could easily abandon him again and that's a difficult thing for a child to process, especially when he has already lost his mom. I'd tell the bio father to kick rocks.
> Legally he is no more connected to him than the guy who delivers you mail. Who could have been the real biodad the whole time! Today on Maury.
You adopted the child. Bio dad inot his dad, you are legally his dad. He can kick rocks
This! This! THIS! You are this childs dad. Not that guy. I dont know how you want to explain it, but if it was me I just call him the guy mom knew before me. He wants to be your dad. He may take me to court to try and be yr dad, like we went to court. And reassure him youll ALWAYS be his dad.
Totally agree! You’re the one who’s been there for Mark through everything. Bio dad showing up now doesn’t change that.
Mark is too young to make the decision for himself in my opinion. I’d keep this guy away from your son for a few more years until Mark understands the risk of getting close with someone capable of and willing to abandon him.
And in a few years if he decides he’s ready, work with a therapist to decide the best way to proceed.
Yes, these are the best answers right here. Mark has already been thru something traumatic. No point in rocking his world again, especially if that’s not what he wants. Not Wrong OP. It seems from what you’ve written Mark doesn’t want to meet him at this time. I would just have a conversation with him & let him know it’s his decision and it’s ok if he’s not up to it at this time. That if at any point in the future he would like to meet him, that that will be ok too and you can reach out. You’re a good dad and I’m sure you’ll do what’s best for *your* son.
This....I might even consult one to discuss this with you right now to get information on how this will go down with Mark.
Can also stipulate that he starts helping support him to prove that he’s in it for the long haul/for the right reasons. See if he sticks around after that.
Have your lawyer send him a cease and desist and get a restraining order blocking him from your son's schools and/or daycare. Notify everyone that there are no pickups other than who you list. Then you and your son live happily ever after. This sounds like you're making a great dad way to go! :)
You adopted him. He's your son and ex has zero rights to see him. That being said, at some point Mark is probably going to want to meet biodad. Be prepared for that. Maybe let them see each other once in a while with you there so bio isn't a total stranger.
he can meet him when he's 18 fuck that guy
I fully agree. While there might be some emotional consequences at the end I think writing down your mentality and decision making in a letter for him to read when the inevitable happens can make a clean story that he can wrap his head around. Usually kids are more mad at the decision when they don’t know the mentality behind it, and if I’m about to be a bad guy with my kid - I want you to see the math on why I did what I did and how we got here in the immediate so I can stand on business later. But that’s just my 2 cents as a mom
This is absolutely brilliant
I love this. What a beautiful idea
Foster parent here. The biggest issue is you don't know whether he's here to stay or he's going to drop in then drop out. It does take a village to raise a child. If this guy isn't 99% sh¡T and 1% a55hole, then having another person in the village could be good. Unfortunately I see a lot of this and I predict with my magic 8 ball, that if he really cared he wouldn't have taken 8 years to show up. And it doesn't sound like his family has any interest in this child either. So the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree. 🤔 People say stupid things. But what about the child? He'll want to know his biodad! Well, it is nice to know if cancer runs in your family. But if he's going to show up and love bomb a child, then disappear for a month or a year or another eight. That's not exactly helpful to children. Please ask me how I know, you'll never guess what bio parents do to the children that they treated so bad that they ended up in foster care. They love bomb them and bounce them back and forth between we want you, to we neglect you. If anybody thinks this is helpful for a child's development, you'd be mistaken. Children like consistency. Children thrive in consistency. Unless this dude is guaranteed to be a consistent positive, so both a consistent, and a consistently positive contribution to your child's life, please tell him to f*** off.
I agree with your sentiment OP, but understand that your son may not. I have two adopted kids. One is totally cool with not knowing and figures if they didn’t want her she doesn’t want them either. The other? He is lost in life. 20 years old, due to have a child of his own any day now, and just wants to know who he is and where he came from, answers I can’t give him. You’re fortunate enough to know who the bio is, we don’t. It might be helpful to monitor some form of communication between them, even if it’s just FaceTime or something, so if your son has questions he can get answers - or he can realize that bio is a piece of shit and decide for himself that knowing answers isn’t worth having bio around. Abandonment is a huge issue for kids, and it can cause so many mental health problems when they don’t have a way to get the answers they crave. The guy is an asshole for walking out, trying to come back 8 years later, and most especially for trying to claim he has some form of rights and wanting custody. He has no rights. That is YOUR son. Your son may need answers to help him understand his place in life though, if that makes sense. I wish you both the best no matter what you decide.
She isn’t your _ex_ fiancée. She is your _late_ fiancée
Soo I don’t think you’re wrong but as a person who does so many courses on this (foster system) Kids tend to seek their bio parents (it’s very rare they don’t even the ones who were infants) I want you to keep in mind your son might feel differently whether that’s now (if he knows you’re not his bio dad) or later in life.
Totally agree. We are staying in touch with our adopted children’s parents so they can grow up seeing what their biological parents are like. There’s no mystery, no idolising a fantasy. My middle son begged to let him stay over at birth mum’s house when he was 7 years old. I took him there for a visit and he walked in and then straight out again. The older one at 11 is starting to see her true colours. They see her four times a years for a half day at a time and that’s enough for them. Although birth mum is welcome to call at any time she rarely does to talk to her children, usually it’s just to have a go at me about something random.
I think it's important to mention that the research supports as open of adoption as possible. Kids need to see genetic mirrors of themselves. Especially since your son's mother has passed. Take your ego out of the equation, do some research and make decisions that are best for your child, not just convenient for your own feelings.
Lawyer & document EVERYTHING. EVERY CALL. Every thing. Do not allow him to get a foot in the door by meeting him. It will go in his favor if he can prove he isn’t a stranger. He may actually have a shot in court if he didn’t sign away his rights or have knowledge that you were adopting him. It sucks that the courts care more abt making bio parents happy than about what is best for the child. I don’t know if the boy has expressed an interest or desire to get to know his bio dad or if in some ways it would be in his best interests. But that’s what it really comes down to (or should). It should be about what is best for him. You don’t say why he was out of the picture or any details. You say you were there from day one then later say he walked out when the boy was several months old
Fuck that guy! He's a stranger. He's doing this now, because he's playing some kind of angle, certainly not out of the good of his heart. He thinks it's gonna be easy to play "Dad" now because Mark is no longer a baby or toddler, who needs a parent to help them with everything. He left when he was needed most, he doesn't get a do-over. Again, Fuck that guy!
You are not wrong OP! This. “Any man can be a father. But it takes a special man to be a dad.” YOU ARE MARK’S DAD OP! As Mark gets older, you can explain EVERYTHING! But now Mark needs only YOU! Please make it clear to family and friends not to get involved and take Mark to see bio! You’re the hero without a cape OP!
If he actually cared he’d start with supporting him. Not just threats of “I’m coming to get custody!!!!” It would be wanting to work with you. Asking if there is a way he could be a part. Even if it’s small at first. But nope. It’s always “I have big ideas and I want the whole shebang even though I’ve really done nothing to prove these intentions!” Someone who is actually serious would know that they don’t know that child. You do, and the best way if they actually wanted to be in the kids life would be to work with you on your terms. He needs to show a bit of humbleness, and ask you what your conditions are, what your rules are. He’s already has a shot. He’s just showing you red flags. That’s his choice. It’s his job to convince you, not the other way around. Any naysayers can suck on that. Not wrong.
You adopted him, so either a) he signed off on that or b) he dipped long enough that they ruled abandonment. Legally, he is nothing to mark and has no rights to him, so tell him to kick rocks.
Does your son know his bio is asking to see him. I’d let him decide what level of contact, if any that he’s comfortable with. I’d certainly have some conversations with him about bio’s issues are not his fault or his problem and assure him you’ll always be his dad no matter what, or who, come in and out of his life. If he has knowledge of the situation those are the things he NEEDS to hear from you!
8 years and now bio dad enters the picture. Why? I wouldn’t trust this guy for anything.
You’re not wrong. Protect your child. He donated sperm and nothing else. He chose to leave and stay gone until now. You are marks dad.
If you legally adopted Mark he's your son, end of story. Let him take you to court if he's serious but if everything with the adoption was in order he won't have a leg to stand on.
You're not wrong. Since you adopted Mark, you are his legal parent and the sperm donor has no rights. You state you want to do right by Mark so talk to him about the situation. If he wants to meet the donor, seek out a family therapist and do it on your terms. Never let him have alone time with Mark.
Not wrong. But you need a lawyer yesterday.
NTA You are his legal father, his bio father has zero rights. However I’d recommend telling bio dad that should mark request to contact him in the future you’ll reach out. And leave that door open. NOT for bio dad’s sake, but for Mark’s and for the sake of your relationship with Mark. If he’s not currently in therapy I’d get him into therapy and make sure to bring it up to the therapist as well. When (because in the age of social media it is an inevitable when, not if) his bio father or someone from his family inevitably reaches out to Mark later when he gets older and claims you forbade a relationship if it ever became something he wanted, that has to potential to irreparably damage your relationship with him. At least by saying “not at this time” instead of never, it allows you to have the discussion with Mark as he gets older should he make that request, instead of facing a teen or young man who now views you as his enemy for preventing that relationship entirely.
Lawyer, today. I would be so cautious I didn't even think I would let it be unsupervised for years
I was raised by a maternal aunt, always knew who my bio mom and dad were but was never comfortable with either one of them. They gave me away, YOU are his Dad. Do not let this man disrupt you and your sons life, if he wants to pursue a relationship when he’s older, that with be up to him. Protect him from this confusing relationship until he’s older. Just say no for now, unless he’s already met him.
YANW. Sounds like the bio dad has done some research. He probably knows that YOUR son, is entitled to death benefits. And wants them. Do what ever you have to do, to keep YOUR son, away from that man. He’s only in it for the money he thinks he deserves. Protect your child.
I would tell him that he can have contact with MY son once he's an adult and chooses it for himself.
Tell his bio Dad to pound sand, you are his Father. I’m a 51 year old with a sperm donor and a Father- the sperm donor always shows you who they are. To this day my Father (step dad) is the number one guy in my life! Always and forever
If you adopted him legally he has no right to see him. Period. Your son won’t be missing out if he’s a deadbeat.
In the kindest and most empathetic way possible, OP, may I just gently point out that unless the two of you split before her untimely passing (and I'm so sorry for your and your son's great loss), the dear lady you speak of is not your *ex*-fianceé, she's your *late* fiancee. This clarifies and honors the nature of your relationship and her role in your life.
I'm not going to say you're wrong or right. You have a lot more information about the situation and people involved than i do. What i would say is that you should make your decisions with your future son in mind. Not your son as he is right now. But your son as a 16 year old. Your son as an 18 year old. Your son as a 40 year old, with sons of his own (maybe). Looking back in his life, what might your future son have wanted you to do? If, as a 16 year old, he came and asked you about his bio father and you told him about how you'd handled things at the time, would he be happy with you, or angry with you? How would he react if his bio father tracks him down and contacts him as a 16 year old with no warning? How would he react if you told him everything once he reached 18 years of age, but his bio father had already died in the meantime, so he'd never get to meet him? You won't be able to account for every possible scenario, and shouldn't even try. But I'd advise you to err on the side of age-appropriate honesty. Teenagers don't react well to finding out they've been lied to. No one does. - Maybe you have a family tree on the wall in your son's room, that includes his bio father, so that he doesn't get an unwelcome surprise on his 16th birthday. - Maybe you get to know the bio father better, on his own, before deciding what to do. - Maybe you decide to allow supervised visits once a month. - Maybe you allow occasional unsupervised visits once your son is old enough to physically defend himself against possible abuse/call you/transport himself home. - Maybe you don't allow visits while he's under your care, but give him his bio father's number on his 18th birthday. You've got a lot of options, you don't have to decide right away, and you can always change your mind later. So think about things and go from there. The one thing I'd advise you against is holding on too tightly out of fear that you'll lose your son. That's a very fast way to drive your son away from you all by yourself. Be a chill, supporting presence in his life instead.
Talk to a lawyer, biodad shouldn't have any rights.
No he doesn't deserve a shot, he bailed, and you could not have adopted him without his permission any way, the kid is yours. I would agree go get an attorney. Adoption though requires the father to sign off.
he never had any right the wasn't even on the birth certificate
I understand your desire to protect your son at all cost, but definitely get a lawyer. I don’t you think you have to be on the birth certificate to be the bio dad. A DNA has will prove that. Maybe it goes state to state or country to country but I was always told in order to legally adopt, You have to have the father surrender his rights to legally adopt him. But again consultant attorney. Best of luck.
Info: are you 100% sure he was fully aware of mark being his child since mark was born, and did not make any attempt that may have been shut down by mom (even if for good reason)?
You have every right to feel the way you do. I wonder if there is a middle path between cutting him out entirely, and messing your son around. I have seen family therapists recommend a slow process whereby the parents meet and talk first, and based on that they may move forward with short, supervised visits at, eg, a playground or other neutral space. If those go well, greater involvement can slowly be introduced. Obviously any progress depends entirely on the bio donor’s behaviour towards both you and your son. If you think this could be a possibility, I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specialises in this kind of thing from the child’s perspective, so that they can guide you both through the process. Good luck, OP. It’s a difficult situation and I can see you want to do what’s right for your son.
You are the most wonderful right possible. Mark is your son legally and emotionally. You are Mark’s dad. You have every right to get a restraining order or a cease and desist order to keep the mooch away.
Not wrong. He'll just bail again when he gets bored.
Lawyer up. You may have a fight.
Your priority is protecting your son. Bio-dad is judged based on his actions and he’s unreliable. Setting up Mark for hurt and disappointment now will have more negative impact. When he’s older work with a therapist to tell him the truth (he’s adopted - if you haven’t already) and then eventually let him choose if he wanted to open the opportunity for a relationship with his bio-dad.
Not Wrong. Tell asshole sperm donor he can START by paying all the child support that he ducked WITH INTEREST at 30%, compounded monthly, then maybe try asking rather than demanding.
Not wrong, but your kiddo will ask questions. It is good to have age appropriate discussions when he initiates questions and soon if he doesn’t. This can be managed well with works. I hope you were able to get some therapy or you will because of losing his Mom. A good therapist can help you navigate this and how best to incorporate contact. I suggest contact be done through a therapy session when it is time to help your child process as it goes along. A third neutral party can ensure the dna contributor stays in his lane.
You mean to tell me that there are people in your own family that want you to give up the kid to a deadbeat dad? Seriously? Please list exactly which family member said that and how fast you blocked them.
I don't believe this is real, however subject to the advice of a lawyer in your jurisdiction, I would recommend this: you don't have a single, solitary clue who this man is. You don't know he's the father. You don't know anything. If he wants access to your son, then let him go through the courts, starting with a DNA test as ordered by the court. Do not give him even one minute more than what you are ordered to by a judge. Let's see how long he sticks around when he has to fight against someone who truly loves your son.
Not wrong. Son is probably confused, therapy for you two might be helpful. You adopted your son so that means bio dad's rights were even given up or taken away by court. Sperm donors don't have rights. See if you can find out why he is suddenly back. Is there someone (grandparent maybe) who is dying that is planning on leaving your son an inheritance that sperm donor wants? If you can hire a private detective to dig into sperm donor's family
Why did the sperm donor leave and what is his reasoning for returning to his life? I would tread carefully. Coming back after all these years and immediately not respecting boundaries and insinuating custody is a huge red flag. If you give this man an inch of opening, he will take mile.
YNW But I would want to make sure you're making the right decision for your son. Does he know you're not his bio dad? Has he ever expressed a want to meet said bio dad? If the answer to either of those questions is yes, I think it's something you should consider. However, bio dad needs to go to court and do the work to prove he's serious.
Nta . Fuck that guy.
You are not wrong. Contact a lawyer ASAP. Good luck to you.
NTA, but you better make sure everything is legally squared away with a lawyer. It sounds like the Sperm Donor would probably try to sue you anyway, despite not having any legal rights. You’re also going to want to keep records of your interactions with him in case his behavior escalates, and you need to file a protective order.
NTA. He had to have given up parental rights for you to adopt him. He is too young to be used as a plaything for some flake and his likely just as flaky family who, I am assuming, also has don't nothing to contact or support you. If you don't know him or his habits or his life I would not let him near your son. Do a deep dive into his life and if you find reasons to keep him away, you can share them later. The child wasn't given up for traditional adoption so he knew he was shirking his responsibility. Does he plan to pay back child support?/s My partner still suffers from an in and out dad experience, in childhood. He would have been better off leaving him alone.
The guy waited 8 years to show up and care, he can wait a few more years until mark is old enough to understand and want a relationship. Youre his father, if you don’t think it’s good for mark, dont do it.
Tell bio dad he has 8 years of child support to pay.
If you have adopted your son, then bio dad has no rights at all. But my opinion is that you should let him see the kid once in a while so that your son doesn’t grow up thinking that you kept him from his biological father. The sad truth is that with just a few short visits, bio dad is likely to disappear again. He has a proven track record.
NW. Is Mark eligible for social security survivor's benefits? I'd keep them apart until kid chooses otherwise. Not up to that guy.
Most kidnapping is non-custodial parents. This sounds like the kinda guy who would try something like that.
Protect *your son* no matter what. Mark is your child. You love him and he loves you. You are his father. Sperm donor can come back when *and if* Mark chooses after his 18th birthday and not on his birthday, but after. I have a feeling he’d ruin the party.
You're not wrong to call a lawyer. Do not allow any contact unless your lawyer advises you to do so.
My daughter’s mom took off, hard core drug addictions, criminal record etc. I have full custody, she has a no contact order. My daughter is 13. When she asked to come back I nicely said she’s focused on school, sports and friends. When she’s 18 give her a call and she’ll handle it how she wants. Kids need to be focused on grades and development not some randoms whim of the day.
Lawyer up and protect your son. This guy is nobody to you.
Bio dad can pound sand until Mark is an adult and can make a decision. You are his dad.
Not wrong - protect the child. Mark knows you as his father. You are his father as you adopted him. Does Mark know he is adopted? You can treat bio-dad in the same context as an adoption. Look into what that looks like - most open adoptions mean you send an annual letter through the adoption agency to the parent. The child can the reach out when they’re 18, but don’t have to.
I have a lot to say about this... My real mom and dad were married when I was born... BUT my dad was an addict and was not there when I was born... He tried a few times to see me after... BUT my mom was really pissed off at him and didn't want him around me... As I got older I was told about my Dad and I kept asking to meet him... apparently my mom knew the whole time how to find him... BUT never did... When I was 20...he saved me from a terrible life and came and got me...I am 53 now and I lost him on December 17 2023... this was my first father's day without him... My son...has never met his dad...he knows about him... and we could have found him a number of times...my son is 26 now and said if his dad showed up he would slam the door in his face and walk away... I believe that you need to explain EVERYTHING to Mark...as it happened...let him decide what he wants out of the relationship... Explain to his dad...he will never have custody because of what he did... and that he will have to have supervision when he sees his son...at least for a while... People make mistakes and do selfish things... Maybe he was not ready to be a dad... OR didn't think that he was good enough...or had an addiction and is clean now... THERE are so many reasons why he might have left... BUT as long as Mark is safe... Please don't keep him from knowing his dad if he wants to... BUT also... don't make him see him if he doesn't want to... unless it does come to court order... This is a very hard situation and I hope and pray for you and Mark ❣️
Let your kid lead. If he wants to spend time then let him in small bursts in public with you present, etc. If your kid isn't interested in getting to know his bio dad then don't make him. If bio dad wants to force it then let him take you to court because I doubt he'll spend the actual money and be patient enough to establish a relationship, etc through the courts to be considered for partial custody. Just keep all interactions for evidence.
Nope, you are dad. This blow in was simply the genetic material that made him. He chose to walk away and now he has to live with the consequences. If Mark starts to show genuine interest later in life, well that’s different and once he’s an adult he can get to know him if he wants.
Mark is confused. Can you ask Mark to speak to a therapist? Or set an age when he can decide and get his approval on that? I don't think you want Mark growing up thinking he would really like to talk to him but you wouldn't let him (I'm NOT saying that is what you're doing, but perhaps how he'll remember it later). That's why a therapist would be nice. I'm just thinking out loud, it's a difficult situation to know what is the right thing to do.
What does Mark want?
NTA But i think Mark is old enough to ask if he wants to meet him.
Your son is eight and would probably understand better now than years from now that he has a bio dad that you kept away. You have every reason to keep that due away but Mark should know what’s going on. Not so much for today; for tomorrow.
First off, you adopted him. He’s not your ex’s kid. He’s YOUR kid. Second, I would not let this guy near MY son. Blood only goes so far. Tell him you’ll let Mark decide when he’s 18. If he doesn’t leave you and Mark alone, seek a restraining order. You may need to explain things to Mark. It’s important for him to know that his bio dad may not seem harmful but he’s not safe for Mark right now.
No you aren’t wrong. He didn’t even come back when his ex died. Mark doesn’t need that
OP - you’re sweet Mark’s legal farther. Bio dad is nothing more than Mark’s sperm donor. The end :) As your son’s father, you get and deserve the same respect as ANY other father with respect to “how related you are”. Bio dad is delulu and has no leg to stand on. OP - please know I have no legal background, but based off of the the laws that I’m aware of (and let’s be honest - common sense - you adopted him!), I don’t think you have to give anyone a vote and if they are “split” then good for them. You’re the father and at the end of the day, you call the shots and from what it sounds like you are wonderful person and father who stepped up and gave this little boy stability and then cemented it in rhodium by adopting him when his mama passed. Lastly - I am so very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. You having Mark makes me so happy for this reason too - so you can have a piece of her with you always and forever 🫶
When does he start paying back child support?
Good thing you talked to a lawyer. If you’re in the clear and he has no rights, then the question becomes — what does your son want? He may be 8 but I think that’s old enough to make these kinds of decisions, by that age I know I would certainly be pissed if I had a family member forced into my life against my will.
Many good comments. I really want to say how lucky both you and your son to have each other in your lives. You both came through the tragedy of losing the love of you life and your son, his mother. Stay the course and seek an attorney. Document any future contract from the runaway sperm donor. Prayers for you both.
Put child's interested first. He may want relationship with bio dad. He may resent you if you prevent it. Talk to son and make a plan with protections in place?
You’re not wrong. You raised him. You are his dad. I would file a restraining order, and/or make sure the school doesn’t give any info or release your son to him. To the people saying give him a chance he’s back now…are POSs! So when he up and leaves again your kid is heart broken?! No. Don’t let him in. Maybe also get a therapist for mark in case as well.
You did all the hard work of raising him, and now bio dad is trying to play the concerned parent. Fuck that dude.
you’re his parent. make the best decision for him.
You're not wrong in feeling bitter. But the fact is adopted children usually go look for their bio parents eventually. Be prepared. Don't be hurt. This is human nature. You can go look up how common this is. Some to the effect of being rude to the "parent" who looks after them for their day to day needs. This is most common in step parent situations. This guy will try to get in touch with your kid personally whether now or in the future. I don't know if you want to prepare your kid for possible unwanted contact/abduction. Seek professional advices. Do not give consent to the guy.
You're his dad. Make the decision that's in his best interests. A no now doesn't mean no forever. If and when he's ready, you can reassess. This guy was obviously very, very MIA for the adoption to be approved. I'd maybe suggest supervised access once per month until Mark is comfortable and he's proved his commitment, but if that's not the right thing for Mark rn, hold off. I'm sorry for your loss. And respect for stepping up for this child from the start.
You're not wrong. He had a shot, he walked out and abandoned him at 3 months. Keep him away. He already proved he isn't trustworthy with your son.
You are not wrong..dude wants something and it's not his son. He probably is thinking of the ss he could get from the mom passing
Contact a lawyer and see if he even had custody and how costing would work. Cuz u were never married do y have legal custody or would grandparents have it etc etc.
Mark’s biodad exists and one day Mark will probably want to meet him. You are legally Mark’s dad and that is a given. Before saying ‘no’ to Mark seeing him, get some expert advice: see a family / child counselor and a lawyer. The counselor / therapist can help you with navigating and how much or little to share with Mark. The path may be that Mark is aware biodad is out there and if he wants to meet him some day then you can facilitate it (means you are supportive and transparent and he won’t have to go behind your back). The family lawyer will advise you what your rights are, and importantly biodad’s rights. You can then write to biodad with your approach that is based on pediatric behavioural psychology and legally grounded. Also - if Mark has a challenging time as a teen (who doesn’t?) and reaches out to biodad then you have evidence that your approach was looking after what was and is best for Mark, esp if biodad said you blocked the relationship. Take care - so sorry you lost your partner and lucky for Mark you are a caring dad.
Back pay all child support first. Then set up payment plan moving forward. If he’s serious- this won’t stop him. If he’s not. He’s not. Also, make sure you have a plan for Mark if something happens to you.
I have friends who kinda lived this scenario. Of course they want to see their biological father, but it's short lived. The dude shows up, smokes our weed, and dips out again. I'd love to see someone make a change for the better, but let's be real here. If they were gone for YEARS then it's doubtful there's much change they could make. 🤷♂️🤷♀️🤷
That child has grown up with you. As far as he is concerned you are ‘dad’. He deserves the opportunity to know his bio dad if his bio dad is trying to have a relationship ship with him. I understand the fear and insecurity tied to losing your son to the bio dad, but that is the least likely thing to happen. When your son is sick, afraid, sad or in turmoil, who do you think he will instinctively run to? That’s not going to change.
Why didn't he show up mom passed? That will be something the court will ask!
It should be up to Mark.
You are not wrong. You are his dad.
He's 8, ask him what he thinks about it first. Then go from there.
Nta but first find out what he’s been doing all this time, talk to his friends and family and find out if he is dependable. I know you’re hurt but maybe he is changed. You will only see.
Had two family members who’s baby daddy pulled this when their kids were around your son age and the stepdads wanted to legally adopt them. Once they were told that if they “sperm donor” didn’t sign away rights and sought custody/ visitation they pull file fore EVERY LADT PENNY plus interest of child support. The losers signed.
Let him know If he goes or custody he will have support back support from many years and it will be very expensive.... Call the bluff and give another one
There are three sides to every story. Yours. Theirs. The truth.
Fuck bio dad. He's a total loser and a deadbeat. You're correct and the boy is so lucky to have you
You are the only parent this child has. Being a father is way more than sharing DNA with your kid. Dude has been MIA for 8 years!!! I wouldn’t let someone with that type of judgement and lack of basic morals around anyone’s kid let alone a child that’s experienced so much loss at such a young age. Spare him the added trauma. If he wants to seek out his bio dad when he’s older you can support him in doing so.
Here's what you do. Set up a college fund account for Mark. Tell bio dad that he must deposit funds no less than monthly, every month, for one full year. Set up an email account (YOU will be in charge and reading it, not the child) and tell bio dad that you expect one email per week, every Sunday, to tell you how his week went. He should write it as if he's writing to Mark (but, you will not show Mark yet). You expect this to continue every single Sunday for one full year. Tell bio dad that **IF** he can do these 2 things consistently,then you'll *consider* allowing him some limited contact. I'd bet lots of money this bio-fool won't be able or willing to do either thing. But it gives you the ability to tell Mark that you tried but bio dad was incapable of the responsibilities of even parenting from afar, so of course he wouldn't be consistent enough to parent in person. It gives you the moral high ground. You did all the right things.
Dang, this situation is drawl’n… had a friend in almost identical situation; deceased mother and bio pops wants to come back after the more difficult years are past and he can bathroom on his own and outside and play on his own… bio dad was on again off again substance abuse issues so adopted dad held off till he was around 14 or so… gave into bio dad, then bio dad split after a few months, total bs but that’s how it “could” go possibly… bio dad didn come back after mom died 4 yrs ago¿ that’s pretty busted honestly… best of luck to you🫱🏾🫲🏼
I think you’re completely in the right to protect your son. He walked out on his kid, you stepped up and adopted your son, that means the bio dad had to sign away his parental rights or either had them revoked by a judge. It’s your choice if you want bio dad in your son’s life at all. If I were you I’d look into a private investigator or ask to find out why he suddenly wants to be apart of your son’s life. I’ve seen men and women run out on their kids for years and only make a reappearance when someone else enters their life who wants children.
Info: Do you have legal custody of the child? Did you adopt him?
You are the adoptive father. Get a lawyer and sue the bio dad for the emotional distress he is attempting to inflict on YOUR CHILD so he can get his greedy hands on that SSI survivors benefit. Condolences on your loss. Anyone who thinks that someone who abandoned his child deserves to see him - is not a friend. Cut that contact ASAP. Not wrong
He gave up that right along time ago and Mark has a right to have a life and move on from that. Because he feels good and ready now doesn’t give him the right to come in and interrupt this child’s life. This child already went through a loss he doesn’t need any more drama in his life. Just continue to do what you’re doing and keep him away.
You are the REAL DAD! This other guy seems like a flaky POS. You could maybe and I mean maybe keep him at arms length like an uncle at best. Supervised visits and stuff. But inky if you think it won’t cause any harm.
Go and talk it all through with a family therapist (just you). They’ll be aware of the consequences of the various options and timelines ahead for Mark, and can advise based on their extensive experience of similar situations and outcomes. It will most certainly give you more peace to have checked your intentions with an expert. Also, you’ll have so much more leverage to tell everyone to fuck off when you can say ‘I’ve checked the strategy carefully with a professional, excuse me if I rate their opinion above yours, Aunty Gertrude/My mate Jason/Bio Dad.’
I’m sure if he wants to pay for all of those years in back child support, and current and future. . .but I agree with you. If he can’t do anything legally, I wouldn’t allow a relationship right now. Having said that, when your son gets older, he can start a relationship with him.
You're angry as you should be he walked, I'd be pissed too, but Mark has a right to know. He should be given a choice. Get him some counselling to help navigate the situation. As a parent myself, I understand the need to protect him and not let him get hurt. Have you met with the bio dad and know why he wants to be in his life? I never knew my bio dad growing up. And it affected me. At the end of the day, it's about what's best for Mark. You need to out your feelings aside and do what's best for him.
Yes this guy has no right to show up and cause turmoil in your son’s life. He is just doing more damage than good popping up because now he’s ready to know his own kid. Keep that boy safe from this guys games. Your son will just get hurt by this asshole
My sister adopted her children, and as they were all foster to adopt, various bio family members were still in the picture, from parents who had rights terminated, to grandparents, half-sibs, cousins, etc. She and my bil let the familes stay in contact and even made an effort to keep siblings in touch. They befriended the bioparents, and stayed in contact. My sister now thinks she should not have been so willing to allow access like that. None of those people were willing or able to step up and care for the kids when their parents were abusing and neglecting them, lost in their addictions. No one not working in recovery was allowed contact, but people went in and out of it, thus in and out of their lives. They would have been better with a clean break, cultural issues aside. I'd tell the guy to kick rocks if I were you. When your son asks for him, all on his own, without prompting, then you will consider supervised contact.
OK. Lawyer first. Stop. Do not pass go. Contact a good lawyer. The lawyer will help you with the law. But you also need to think through what’s right. And when thinking this through, there is exactly one important factor – what is best for Mark. It doesn’t matter what is best for you and it doesn’t matter what’s best for dead beat bio dad. And we know the answer to this question. The answer is Mark will thrive best in a stable secure environment. That’s what you’ve created for him. Keep him safe. Make sure he feels loved and tell bio dad to return when Mark is an adult and can make the decision himself.
How's the adoption legal without biofather's consent?
Sperm doesn’t make you a dad, you fathered a child but being a dad is everything after that. I honestly think for me pregnancy is a snap compared to the absolute time and effort it takes to be a mother.
he split at 3 months and you raised him, fuck bio dad
I assume you have legal custody. I hope you adopted him. That said, you can’t really keep him away. Maybe hire an attorney to set up visitation
Not wrong, but definitely need to see a lawyer in case your late fiancée's ex goes to court to get custody.
If Mark wants a relationship with his bio dad he can make that decision when he turns 18. Until then you are his dad, this other guy has zero rights and is causing issues for the wrong reasons. Nobody who actually cares about a child would threaten to take them away from the only father he's known.
Not wrong, no. Lawyer now. But - Mark is 8.. have you asked him what he wants???
My husband's bio father gave up all rights when he was an older baby, in return, my mil didn't want a dime from him. Once in a while he would pop back in but would always disappear again. My fil is (was, he passed two weeks ago) his step Dad, who came in when he was a toddler and was absolutely his Dad. It was actually really hard on my husband to have his bio father pop in and out, it was actually better when he just wasn't around. As a man in his 40s, my husband finally told his bio father he is either part of his life or not, and they now actually talk fairly regularly. But it messed him up for a lot of years. Even now, his step Dad is his Dad, his bio is his father, and the respect is different. My point is if this man has not been around, you don't know if he is actually going to change, and your only priority is protecting your son, who is too young to understand someone popping in and out. If you want to give him a chance, you could have a few set supervised visits, but as soon as he misses one, they are done. Sadly, this man has shown his true colors over the last 8 years. People can change, but you can't risk your son being hurt if this man hasn't. He isn't anything but a biological connection, and it would absolutely be ok for you to say he needs to wait til your son is older if he wants to try to get to know him. He probably won't be around that long though.
NTA sounds like dude was a scumbag and prolly has some alternative motive
The ulterior motive probably has to do with the social security income a child of a deceased parent gets…
No, you’re not wrong. Obviously I don’t know the full story but from what you’ve said, Mark’s better off without that disruption. Also, and I might be wrong here, when you adopted Mark, did the sperm donor have to officially relinquish rights? Anyway, I can’t get past that phuckstick not even showing up when Mark’s Mom died. You = not wrong.
I strongly suggest joining adoption groups and see how adoptees feel. You're his dad nothing and no one is going to change that. Even if one day he and his bio father build a relationship that man will never be able to replace you.
So dad for sure 100% has rights, all he has to do is take you to court, establish a dna test proving kid is his whether he is on the birth certificate or not, and he gets to take the kid. You have no rights over that kid since you didnt legally adopt the child, and he never signed away his parental rights. As 💩 as bio dad is he can most certainly take you to court and a judge will give him to his bio dad, you have no legal rights to the child.
You’re not wrong He’s your son, you adopted him and that was a smart move on your part. Bio dad hasn’t even been in the picture long and he’s causing chaos and anxiety. Loving parents do what’s best for the child and in this case, the best thing the dad can do is thank you for taking care of his son and back off, leave the door open just in case Mark wants to contact him in the future Thankfully you don’t have to worry about losing custody because you legally adopted him
What do you think Your fiancee would do?
Fixing to say, if you've adopted your son legally.....bio dad has 0 rights.
Mate You are that wee boys DAD and it’s your job to protect him and nurture him and you are doing a fantastic job of that! Tell bio dad to GTF , if the wee boy wants to know him he will find him when he is an adult himself. Bio dad just doesn’t have the right to turn up and expect to play happily family.
Nope..no way! This is legally YOUR son and you absolutely need to protect him from any hurt his bio dad will afflict upon him. I’m sorry but he gave away his child years ago and legally he can’t do shit about it..I can’t understand how anyone would think allowing this man into your son’s life is a good idea?! He walked away with not a care in the world for years knowing he had a son and his mother passed away and still crickets..this will be a hell of a lot of emotional damage if he weasels his way back into your sons life…
YOUR Son, Mark, is EIGHT, hardly emotionally and mentally equipped to deal with a deadbeat STRANGER after everything he's been through in his young life. Thank you for stepping up. I'm sure you love(d) them both and likely needed Mark as much as he needed YOU during the tragic loss of your fiancee/Mark's Momma! I would be MORE inclined to think this dirtbag might think there's $money$ involved since Mark's beloved Momma was killed by a drunk driver. Or he may HAVE good intentions, but frankly, it's too little, too late! You KNOW Mark, you can explain as gently as you can what YOU feel Mark should know. Personally, I would tell the jerk that if he's truly interested, he should create a College fund that he can give Mark when he turns 18, but UNTIL that time, Mark is YOUR Son and YOUR priority. BioDad is completely responsible for the absence of a relationship with Mark. It was HIS choice to bail and HIS decision to NOT show up when Mark's Mother, his EX, passed away. Mark COULD have ended up **in the system** because bioDad's lack of concern or care. He CAN'T just come waltzing back into yours and Mark's life to disrupt the FAMILY the two of you have created. Any family or friends telling you that you're wrong for not allowing them to have a relationship is completely misguided. Mark (and you) have been through quite enough. NO ONE but the dirtbag knows his TRUE intentions and he could seriously damage YOUR Son so I wouldn't even take the chance. If worse comes to worst, you may even want to consider moving away because this jerk is NOT thinking about what's **best** for Mark! I'm truly sorry for yours and Mark's grievous loss! Best wishes and many Blessings for BOTH your future happiness and a successful future!
You are not wrong. Please please make sure this man does not have access to Mark. Make Mark understand to never go anywhere with him. Notify the school of the situation so they don't release Mark to him. Make sure every single family or friend who is "on the fence" knows they are not to give any info or access to your son under any circumstance. Assume this guy is unhinged and protect your child accordingly. I'm not trying to scare you, I just want you to keep your son safe cuz we don't know what that man's deal is.
Nta he's your son, I can't help but wonder tho did your fiance leave an inheritance? Maybe this is the reason he suddenly wants custody?
If your fiancée passed away in a car accident that doesn’t make her your ex unless y’all were split up before she passed away.
Tell him to pay the years of child support he skipped Then he will leave you alone
Assuming you officially adopted him, he has no rights to Mark. It's like he was a sperm bank donor. Let him try to take you to court. You are not wrong!
Being a sperm donor doesn't make him a good person. Get a lawyer.
Legally he nah have more rights than you. Especially if you did not adopt him. I suggest you speak to an attorney.
Nope. Never in a million years. Don’t let him near your child. Anyone who tries to say otherwise to you gets cut off. This is not negotiable and stop letting people guilt you into something you know fine well is wrong.
Ask for 8 years of back child support and then we can talk.
You are not wrong to feel that way. The bio dad has no rights whatsoever and you can make that clear. Your son, at some point, will be curious about his bio family so I think it's a bad idea to cut him off completely. Mark is rightly confused by the situation and needs reassurance that you are his dad. If bio dad will accept an 'uncle' role, then he could play a small part in your son's life, if Mark wants that - strictly supervised of course. But if biodad is aggressive, then lawyer up and put him straight.
Mark has just one dad and it's you. That guy can go fck himself.
As you've adopted Mark, you're legally covered and the guy has no rights. However, now is time to think about Mark himself. Keeping his heritage from him will be confusing for him. At 8, kids can appreciate that there are secrets or things being muttered between adults and a strange man trying to meet him. At 12/14, when you hit the whole puberty, rebellious teenage years, a mysterious guy turns up offering a secret and gifts. I guarantee you'll have a mess of questions and recriminations. You will look like the bad guy for keeping secrets. Now, is the time (difficult though it will be) for you to build the strong defenses around the two of. I would recommend the help of a therapist. Tell him the background. How this is what his mum wanted. How you will, when he's older, work with him to meet bio-dad but now is not the time. And when he does want to meet. Be there with them both, so there is no secret meetings and bio-dad trying to turn him against you. All through this, keep reinforcing that you are his dad. The therapist can help show how adoption is about choosing Mark as your son and how important that is.
“He deserves a shot now that he’s ready” um what? So people think it’s okay for this dude to be a nonexistent and shit father, but awww how sweet he wants to play daddy now? Since, you know, the kid is no longer in diapers and such? Yeah, no. He wants to play out some redeeming fantasy in his head/on social media.
You said he has no rights, good there is your answer. You need to protect your child from this AH. All this is on him if he hadn’t abandoned his child this story would be different. He needs to accept the consequences of his actions.
What does your son want? That's all that matters here
Get an attorney. No contact with bio-dad. He should only deal with attorney. In most places it would have been posted before the adoption was finalized. You should be fine.
Not wrong. You say you adopted Mark, that makes him legally your son. This guy left the second he could and hasn't been in Mark's life since. It doesn't sound like he's been paying support, either. I assume you've fully checked to see what rights this guy has, but even if he still has some, courts will do what's best for the child, not the parent. It doesn't sound like this deadbeat randomly popping up for the fun bits would be in Mark's best interests. Plus, if this guy chooses to 'fight for his rights' that means accepting the responsibilities, too. Including child support payments, back dated to Mark's birth if he hasn't already been paying that. It also wouldn't remove your rights, and you're the legal father. You'd have to agree to visitation, or follow a court ordered schedule, or it doesn't happen. You're the one the school will call, you'll make medical decisions, you can veto any plans you don't like or think Mark won't like. Everything will be your call, not his. The best thing to do here is to deny this guy. Keep info on him to give to Mark when he wants to know more, and let Mark decide what he wants to do about bio dad when he's older. But protect your son. This guy has skipped out before and ignored his son completely, he will do it again the moment he gets bored or it's not fun anymore. Mark doesn't need that feeling of abandonment.
Keeping full custody? No - you are marks father period end of story. This guy was nothing but a sperm donor. Shutting him out? That’s a tough one. I’m going with no since you are coming from a place of love and protection. However, there is a chance sperm donor is trying to turn a page. Fast forward years from now, sperm donor gets in touch with Mark via social media and he gets to spin a giant bedtime story where you are the evil villain and him the superhero. If Mark doesn’t actually know any of this, I do think he needs to know in an age appropriate way. Mark should also be in therapy when this discussion happens so he can have help processing his feelings and emotions. Unfortunately this isn’t an easy situation and while you did the right thing for today, the future is a bit murky with how all these decisions will play out. Being a teenager is hard, your mom passing away when you were a kid and having bio dad leave is going to be a huge hurdle for Mark to deal with as he starts thinking about these things in depth.
Nope, he's an absentee sperm donor. He can fuck off.
Nta but I’d make sure you are legally registered as the dad in some way to protect your custody and rights legally. Ie are you on the birth certificate or did you adopt him? Good luck op.