Always remember: breaking up even 5 minutes before the wedding is way cheaper, easier, less emotionally damaging than divorcing even 5 minutes after the wedding.
I would really like to know why your fiance would think that your ex girlfriend would try to get with you when she is mourning her brother who has died I would be looking at this relationship with the side eye because for her to even think some BS like that doesn't sit well what's wrong with her why would she say some BS like that. How insecure is she
ex girlfriend... from when they were little KIDS! 16? 18? Compared to late 20s early 30s? good loooord!!! Yeah, OP's fiance is scaaary insecure. Yikes yikes yikes! Hahaha!
I can't even imagine this. I'm in my early 40s and my husband flew halfway across the country for something similar late last year. He told me about the death and I asked him if he wanted me to book the tickets and the hotel for him before he even "asked" if he could go. I love him and grief for childhood friends and loves still have a place. I was just getting over a surgery (fine to be alone for a 24ish hours) so I couldn't go with him or I would have to be a support.
This⬆️⬆️⬆️
is what I call a healthy relationship. His fiancée tried to blackmail him by threatening to cancel the wedding instead of showing empathy, unlike you,
u/BiddyInTraining, who supported your husband even after having an operation.👍
I don’t understand what’s so creepy about going to the funeral of your partner's friend who is a stranger to you. Shouldn't you go to support him? So much for:
*“I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love and honor you all the days of my life."*
OP, you should really take a good look at your fiancée. Her behavior is a red flag 🚩
Before my surgery (it was unexpected) we were sitting in the waiting room of the emergency department and it was packed. My husband had just worked a 10 hour day, picked me up, and we'd been in the ED at least 2 hours at this point. I told him to go home and rest - that I'd call him if I needed him. He just pointed at his shirt. (He happened to change into his Groom shirt from our wedding- he loves how soft it is lol) and then he said something like ,"This is the worse part, and I'm staying with my wife." 🩷🩷
And even if the ex *did* try something, you either trust that your partner would shut it down or you don't. Does she think OP is just gonna go along with it?
It could be insecurity or it could be the fiance is cheating on him. Cheaters tend to be full of themselves, they figure if \*they\* are cheaters then most other people must be too.
Not a guarantee, it could be just insecurity. IF he decides to stay, he needs to make sure there has been no cheating going on.
I’m also mystified by the insecurity of high school relationships for adults. They were literal children. They broke up over a decade ago. Even without the grief and loss, I don’t see the likelihood of adults “reconnecting”
YES!! If shes willing to jeopardize he relationship over that, it might be a sign of deeper issues. OPs honoring a past connection and grieving a loss; theres nothing wrong with that.
FIL had a talk with my hubby and I about that, the night before the wedding, giving us an out. We chose not to. We’ve been married 22 years, 9 months and 10 days. As of today.
This is ridiculous. Annulments are incredibly hard to get! Divorce is ridiculously expensive & painful. Been there twice. Trust me, spending thousands on a party only adds insult to injury.
This answer right here. It is the correct answer. And it's okay that your girlfriend doesn't trust Cassie. The fact that she doesn't trust you is a huge red flag. Show her this. Make sure she understands she really screwed up.
You aren’t wrong.
So… about a month before my husband and I got married, there was the death of a family friend. The three sets of parents were all buddies and the kids were all in the same four year age range, so the kids were also friends. One of those kids died. I had never met any of them. But my fiancé was going as the family representative, so to speak. He didn’t want to go alone.
So I went. For him. She could have gone or been okay with it for you.
When me and my husband were still dating In our early 20s, he was in the army and unable to get a leave to attend his uncles funeral. I had only met his uncle in passing one time for about 5 minutes. But because he couldn't go, I decided I'd go for him.
It may be strange or weird to attend the funeral for someone you don’t know, but you do it in support of your loved ones.
I had a boss attend my sister’s funeral and someone I was “with“ (hobosexual)didn’t go because he didn’t know her. Boss sure didn’t know her and he was way busy.
Yep, I was with one of my exes for three years, his dad committed suicide about a year after we started dating. I went, so did his stepdad and step brother, all of us there to support a different member of his family as none of us had any relationship with his dad for obvious reasons.
His dads family kinda went nuts at his step dad for being there, I was with him the whole time and he never even looked at anyone. Man just stood like a mountain (he was the size of one) and told everyone he was there for his wife, step-sons, and nothing else.
We did leave shortly after cause my ex blew up at everyone for creating an issue, but that's not what my point was...
When my grandma died, mother of my mother, my father came. My parents are divorced. But everyone was ok with that.
My family can be weird. But normal for once 🤣
My Dad, Step-Mum, and Grandma (Dad’s Mum) sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers to the crematorium for the day of my Grandma’s (Mum’s Mum) funeral. My parents split up over 2 decades ago. My Mum and I were really touched by the gesture.
Not strange or weird at all to me. I have attended the funerals of people I barely knew because they were someone very special or a close relative to one of my very good friends, because my friend was hurting. Count me in as a weirdo.
But it takes all kinds I guess. Some people just refuse to go out of their way if it's inconvenient or too distasteful or uncomfortable for them. Or maybe they truly can't and wouldn't want or expect their friends to do it for them. I hope that's not normal.
I like the weirdos.
I think it's weird to go to a total stranger's funeral - like, you don't know the person or anyone ELSE who knew the person. But a friend of a friend? A friend of a relative? A relative of a friend? If there is someone to link you to the person, then not weird. OP's fiance is craaazy
My BIL died unexpectedly shortly after I met my now-husband; they never met, but now-hubs came to the funeral anyway because he wanted to support me while I supported my sister.
Especially since she's actually thinking his ex (who might be married or engaged herself) is going to take the opportunity to jump OP's dick as opposed to, you know, mourning the loss of her baby brother. JFC.
Even on the absurd chance that the ex might actually do that, she doesn't even trust her fiance enough to turn down his ex at her kid brother's funeral. If I trusted my lover that little, we wouldn't be engaged.
You are correct. I focused my response on his ex as opposed to OP and his behavior, who she should trust since she planned to marry him in 2 weeks.
If that's her thinking... why marry him?
Yep. I was only dating my boyfriend for about 8 months when his brother’s best friend tragically passed away. The best friend knew the whole family and everyone was devastated.
I accompanied my boyfriend to the services and even a memorial afterward where his life was celebrated with photos and speeches. Hell, I even cried because of how touching it was. I met the best friend’s wife and offered her my condolences and stayed until the very end with my guy and his family. You offer support, not ultimatums.
Well it certainly seems like you guys aren't ready to get married. The lack of trust or ability to communicate are bad signs, completely independent of the funeral.
Your fiancee was wrong to try to stop you from going. Her reasoning shows a lot of insecurity and immaturity. It is understandable that this would make you question her character or if she is who you really want to partner with for life.
Since you asked very specifically about the quoted line in the title, I would say you were wrong only because that line wasn't about communicating your needs or boundaries - you said that line to hurt her and you know that.
But if we're comparing, she is definitely more wrong.
I agree.
There are somethings you don't put your foot down on. And a think loved ones funerals are pretty high on that list. If she dosent trust you to go a funeral before getting married seems like the kind of wife that is going to try to get you to stop going to hang out with friends and wants to know where you are all the time.
If that is not the case and this was the only incident where she didn't want you to go somewhere that's different.
Your wrong for saying that since it was ment to hurt her.
But you were 100% right for going and let her know that she can't control every aspect of your life by sticking to your guns and going to pay your respects to a close friend that died in a tragic way.
Invite her out to dinner when you get back and see what she says. Assuming she goes have a talk about each of your boundaries and depending on how that goes ether let her know you are excited to start the next chapter of your life with her...or you need some space to think about your future and who's in it.
Yeah for some reason this popped up as a notification on my phone and I thought from the brief blurb that they were scheduled on the same day or something and I was like, “ooh, that sounds really tough and complicated”
Then when OP said it was a kid he hadn’t talked to in 10 years I was kinda like, well…okay, leaning towards the wedding as a priority obviously.
Then I read on and realized they weren’t even on the same date and it was just insecurity? Ugh! Gross.
You are not over all wrong but your wording may be. Basically you should have said that ‘I guess our relationship isn’t as secure as I thought, if you think so little of me going to a friend’s funeral’
Your fiancée is insecure as hell and not supportive in the least.
I hope things all work out for the best.
From the title it sounded like the funeral and the wedding were on the same day and I thought you were wrong, but hell thats not the case at all
Your fiance should have a bit more faith in the man she is planning to marry, you shooting down any attempt of ex is what matters not that ex might try something, plus does she really think a woman who just lost her brother has any sex/dating on the mind
I hope you dont have a fiance anymore, but the twist is I hope you decide she is no longer your fiance
She showed no empathy to you, unwilling to compromise (by coming along), threatening the wedding to manipulate you into doing what she wants, no faith in you… at the very least postpone the wedding
Im sorry for your loss
Just one nit pick. Many people use sex as an outlet when grieving. I know my wife and I have for sure. It's like when someone drowns their pain in alcohol or drugs. But for us it's love and sex that dulls the pain for a few hours...
So...
Yea it COULD happen. If OP was an idiot. Which he doesn't seem to be.
The sex outlet thing is an in the moment thing not a pre-meditated thing. And her logic is basically saying that he can’t be in any place with any female because they might jump him and he’d obviously be fine with it.
Sounds like a great reason for fiance to go and support her partner if she's so worried.
What I don't understand is really, regardless of the cheating happens, if that's where your trust levels are you already shouldn't get married. If you think so little of your partner that you think they'd attend the funeral of a family friend to try to cheat on you with their HS girlfriend from 15 fucking years ago, why are you marrying them anyway? The relationship is perfect as long as you have 24/7 approval of where they are else you can't trust they won't fuck someone else?
First - thank you for how you wrote this out. Soooo much easier to read than 90% of posts.
Her response to you absolutely sucked. She made it about her jealousy and ignored & minimized your feelings and thoughts. It was wrong for her to tell you how to feel and respond.
What you said was wrong because it was a put down. You had every right to be angry and frustrated with her, but, yeah, there are better ways to express it.
Call the wedding off, either way, because there are too many things to figure out about this relationship.
>First - thank you for how you wrote this out. Soooo much easier to read than 90% of posts.
How so?
I didn't see anything special about how this post was written? Just an everyday Reddit post to me...
(Tone - Polite. Chatty. General wondering. Good faith Q).
Her stating that you were jeopardizing the wedding by going to a funeral is crap. 31 years old and she acts like that. Yikes. Maybe she watches too much Ticky Tot.
You are not wrong. What you are is a good friend.
>She told me she had no way of knowing
Going with you was a way of knowing.
Your fiance is basically saying that her ignorance and insecurity are more important to her than your grief, and she's pissed that you don't feel the same.
Your fiance is a sea urchin: toxic, cold, spikey, and heartless.
You are a good dude for attending the funeral of someone you cared about.
You are wrong for the way you closed out the conversation with your wife-to-be. You're going to have to thread the needle of apologizing for telling her you don't care about your relationship that much, while also not coming off as apologetic for whatever did/didn't happen with Cassie.
The bottom line wasn't "well I guess I don't care about us then", it was "no, I'm not jeopardizing our wedding because attending the funeral of a dear friend isn't a risk - I'm going, and we're just going to figure out how to make that be okay"
I don't think OP has anything to apologize for. His STBX decided to weaponize the wedding to control his beahvior. He decided to make it clear that he was not gonna be dominated in that way. She's the one who should apologize for even going there.
YNW. Your fiancé refusing to go to the funeral because it felt weird is wrong. I have been with my wife to funerals of coworkers I have not met before. As well as we have been to weddings as the plus one where one of use didn't know the people getting married. That is what partners do for each other.
How normal or out of character was her ultimatum? Look I saw your original post, and Reddit loves a good one sided villain story, but the reality is this one instance is not enough to justify telling you to walk away from this relationship or not.
Were you wrong to go, absolutely not, you have the right to grieve how you need to. You offered her compromises which she did not want to take. She expressed her fears, which you dismissed. Yes she should trust you but raw emotions can do weird things. So your final words were that you don’t value your relationship the way she does. You basically sunk to her level. Is this how your arguments always go? Are you level headed and she gets hot and then you retaliate as she would? If so, and if she’s always this controlling then yes maybe pausing on a marriage is reasonable.
Guess what married couples fight, and sometimes you might have times when you want to push each others boundaries, but if you cannot have discussions take breaks when they are heated and come back to reconcile how you are both feeling- then you are not right or ready to be married to each other. Also good marriages leave from to be wrong and apologize sincerely and make amends/ change for each other.
My ex wife similarly made it difficult for me when i had to attend the funeral of my cousin. I wish i had left her at that moment, instead of years later. It says a lot about a person’s character that in such a tragic moment, all they think about is themselves. One piece of advice I urge you to consider is that people reveal the most about themselves through their actions. Don’t listen to words but look at their actions. Your fiancee tells you that she loves you, but her actions say that she loves herself far far more.
Not wrong.
Part of being married is being understanding of your spouse and their needs. She didn't have a good reason to object, you did everything you could to make her understand and she kept on with the Bridezilla bullshit.
If this costs you your fiancee, then it was worth it. This wouldn't have been the last time she holds your marriage hostage over one of her insane emotional outbursts.
In these scenarios, I like to think that they are exposing what they would do in your situation. Their mind goes there so obviously that’s what they would do. She really think there would be some attraction after 10+ years and her brother dying. It’s not weird to accompany your fiancé to the funeral of someone you don’t know. Why is that weird, but going to a wedding with a fiancé of someone you don’t know isn’t (just an example).
This was just offensive to read.
I *sincerely* hope that you're right & you don't have a fiancee anymore because she's FUCKING AWFUL.
"I don't want you going to the funeral of a person you loved like your own sibling because they're related to an ex of yours and the ex might try to fuck you."
BITCH ARE YOU FOR CEREAL RIGHT NOW
Get the hell out of here, damn.
OP you're good, you did nothing wrong and you're now avoiding making a critically bad choice of life partner.
You're not wrong at all. And there's nothing strange about going to the funeral of a stranger if they're important to someone you love. I met one side of my ex's entire family at the funeral of his young cousin - it was certainly a weird place to meet them, but they were all grateful I was there and most importantly, my boyfriend needed my support. I sat next to a stranger (behind my boyfriend and his family, as they were in the front row - he was a pallbearer, and it WOULD have been strange for me to be in the front row)...at one point we held hands and sobbed together.
I was 17 and understood what was needed from me. I had to go back and check your ages, figuring you were marrying young with this level of immaturity and lack of understanding.
Good luck with whatever comes next.
You’re totally not wrong. Your financé is obviously insecure and not ready for marriage. And would rather you cater to her insecurities than be there for you in your time of need. Thinking that it’s weird to be someone at a funeral of someone you don’t know, knowing that your partner was invited and knows the family, is the weird part. She’s attempting to give you an ultimatum, while keeping you from ppl that were once a big part of your life.
It’s better that you don’t go through with the wedding now, than wake up one day and realize that you’ve been trapped by someone who didn’t want to consider your side or feelings.
I'm weary of any relationship where one person is telling the other they can't see someone. If you have trust in a relationship, it shouldn't matter, and if you don't, you shouldn't be in a relationship with that person.
And the thought that someone would be nefariously trying to sleep with their ex, and using their little brother's funeral to make that happen is utterly ridiculous.
Your fiancée also only understands one of the reasons to go to a funeral. Reason 1 is because you are mourning. Reason 2 is because you are supporting someone who is mourning someone.
Not wrong, and there are a ton of red flags popping up from your fiancée all of the sudden. I'd definitely think about her reactions before going through with a wedding.
Wait wait wait.
Your answer to her concerns was that Cassie would be too distraught to try to sleep with you, and not that you love your partner and would never consider cheating on her?
Sad, but this event revealed important info about your fiancé. **She knows you** and yet still says you are capable of a hook up with an ex!!! That is a wakeup call. Also, that her reason not to go with you is that "it would be creepy to go to the funeral of a stranger". That doesn't pass the smell test. A much better excuse is that she is too busy with the wedding prep. You dodged a bullet here. Not wrong.
Nope. You definitely aren't wrong.
Your fiance was totally inappropriate and ridiculous.
🚩🚩🚩🚩
Even if she doesn't break up with you? I would break up with her.
NTA: if somebody is meeting you with their personal wants in a situation where it is nothing about them, this screams narcissism. I’m not saying that your fiancé is one, but her behaviors are very egocentric. I could not imagine a scenario in which you reached out to your fiancé regarding going to a funeral of a friend (even if it was just a short period in life it still means something) and her threatening your wedding. Also her assumptions also say a lot about who she is as a person. I learned recently through a book on toxic behavior, that narcissists and toxic individuals in a relationship well often express what they will actually do themselves in their interpretations of others. so it’s not necessarily something that that person would do, (try to sleep with someone else’s fiancé at her brothers funeral) but it’s interpreting it as something they would do and that’s why they’re concerned that this person will do it. Just of food for thought.
If you do still have a fiance when you get back, you need to remedy that situation ASAP. This is not an equal life partner, and it's only going to get worse. Call off the wedding and decide if you're going to go to couple's therapy to work this whole situation out, or if it's over for good.
Not wrong at all and your fiancé is horribly disrespectful to both you and your ex. You are absolutely right why the hell would she try anything at her own brothers funeral and also it’s not a a stranger at all it’s someone you knew for years who literally looked at you like a brother? Do you even want to marry someone like that? Good luck op and you may have dodged a massive horrible bullet here!
2 months after my husband and I first started dating, his grandfather died. I told him I understood and to be careful on his trip (flights from Illinois to Jersey). He asked ME if I would go with him for support. I told him that I would as long as I could find a babysitter (my daughter was 10 and had really bad ADHD and I didn't think it would be appropriate). I found one and we ended up driving out there so he had more time to process and compose himself before being around family. That was my first meeting with his entire family! A couple of years later we drove out there again for my brother-in-law's funeral, only this time we were married.
My point is, I NEVER tried to stop him from going. Yes they were his family, but the funeral for his brother took 3 days from the shear amount of people that showed up, some being childhood friends and ex's. She should never have tested you like this. People grow and move on. She clearly hasn't and doesn't trust you enough to shut something down were it to happen.
Not wrong, but you would be wrong if you still getting married in a couple weeks. Even if your fiance apologizes I would call off the wedding at this point. They aren't ready to be married. If she actually cared about you she would have wanted to be there for you.
You are not wrong.
1. This was not a “stranger’s” funeral, this was a person who was important in your life, and you wanted to mourn him and support his family at a horrible time.
2. This whole argument that you cannot be in the same room as an ex is ridiculous. Who cares if your ex tried to get with you. What matters is whether the fiancée has any reason to think YOU would do anything with your ex. If she feels that you can’t be trusted to go to a funeral without getting your dick out, she should not be your fiancée. If she feels that way despite you giving her ample proof that her worries are just plain irrational, she shouldn’t be your fiancée.
Dude, if your fiance doesn't understand how important that would be to you then she's definitely not the woman for you. If your fiance doesn't trust that you won't cheat on her now, she's never going to.
She insecure about him seeing an ex from 10 years ago so he offered a perfectly reasonable solution and she rejects it. Seems like she loves to create drama for some reason. He’s going to a funeral of the ex’s brother for god sakes. She really thinks that either he or the Ex is thinking about jumping in the sack during this time. With that level of trust and need to create drama I wouldn’t be thinking this is the person I want to marry and start a with. I would be putting a hold on this wedding.
You are not wrong. Strangers go to funerals all the time. They go to support someone who knew the deceased or their family. What is this weird obsession people have thinking every ex is dying to get it on again with their significant other, constantly? Jealousy is not a good look on anyone. If she doesn't calm down, this kind of crap is what your future looks like.
I know of a couple that REFUSE to go to funerals or weddings. They have no empathy for anyone but themselves and, of course, weddings and funerals aren't about THEM so ....
You spoke for FIVE MINUTES?!??! Holy shit dude... I hope you didn't accidentally get her pregnant.
NTA. Your fiancée is being super possessive. Is she going to be like this ever time you mention a female name when talking about something that happened at work?
This sounds like 16 year old behaviour, not 31 year old behaviour.
I mean how can he even hold a job where females work? After all, he might sleep with them and she isn't there to make sure he won't. She's a giant red flag.
I’m so sorry this is incredibly cruel. I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t care enough about me to be there for me after a personal loss. Like 2 weeks after I started dating my husband his grandfather passed. I went with him. Even though I had not met his family yet. I do t think you are wrong and I’m so sorry all this has happened.
Not wrong.
Your fiancée is jealous of someone you dated over a decade ago and who has just lost her little brother in a terrible accident?
Wow. Where is the compassion in all of this?
She "TOLD" you you can't go??? Say, what? What other stuff over the years has she controlled you over? If that isn't a 🚩 I don't know what is. You even offered to bring her with you to allay her insecurities, but she refused because if it turns out that Cassie did indeed NOT make a move on you, it'll highlight your fiancée's ridiculous assumption. Can't have your insistence on nothing happening validated, now, can she? /s
Look, mate, she is showing her true colours to you. I don't know if calling the wedding off is the route you want to go down, but I would definitely postpone it to give yourself more time to consider if this is the kind of partner you want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells with.
I’m going against the grain here, but it is a bit weird to get a call from an ex asking to attend the funeral of her family member. I don’t know how your fiancée discussed it, but I understand that it was a bit weird. But it should have been a discussion- she’s weirded out, you explain that Kyle was someone important to you and you’d never cheat, and maybe talk about having separate lodging.
Instead shit blew up, not sure who went nuclear first, but what you said definitely was not good. The discussion should have happened, and depending on who unraveled it, they are most in the wrong.
You chose your ex over your fiance. Then, you told your fiance that your wedding wasn't that important to you. So yeah, I'd say you're wrong as well as single.
I’m confused. Why are you asking us instead of breaking up with this psycho? Are you dumb or something? Do you really need us to point out how exhausting living with her will be?
No you are defiantly not wrong - where is your fiancee’s empathy for your HS sweetheart & her family! I am so glad you went to Kyle’s funeral despite your fiancée’s ridiculous objections. Her insecurities will bleed into your relationship over & over again. Maybe being an ex-fiancée might be a good thing!
For me this is an ESH. Because yes, the wife assuming her fiancé would just go to reconcile with the ex is weird, and not going when offered is also weird. But this doesn’t warrant them to “break it off” entirely.
Y’all forget that OP hasn’t even seen or heard from these people in 10 years, and he last seen the ex’s brother at the age 10. He wouldn’t even recognize the adult version of her brother if he was out in public because from 10 to 20 you drastically change from kid to adult. Now I can see if he kept in contact with the brother before he past, but he hadn’t. So for OP to seem like he MUST go or else is a bit wild.
I’ll copy my comment from your original post. And for the record, I do think that you’re wrong.
Yeah, I kind of think that the probably ex-fiancee overreacted a little, but who just jumps on a plane for the funeral of someone that you essentially knew for 3 years, as a kid, and last saw 10 years ago? That seems like an overreaction to me, too. I think I'm more on ex-fiancee's side, really.
You’re both in the wrong.
The conversation was started in the wrong tone and left no room for her to even offer to come. You should have said “I would like it if you came with me to support me” or “it’s really important to go because xyz” and you’re such an ass for saying what you did to her about the wedding. I hope you both move on and find better.
Info, has she been this insecure over your interactions with other exes, or even just other women before? Have you ever given her reason to be insecure in this area? Or was she cheated on by an ex?
I don’t think you are wrong per se, but do think it is a weirs hill for her to die on and am wondering where this insecurity is coming from.
When someone's first reaction is "Your gonna cheat" they are a cheater. Sounds like her emotional maturity is lacking, and is that someone you want to spend your life with?
You’re not wrong…. But it’s odd you say that Cassie won’t try to sleep with you as the reason nothing will happen as opposed to you’re not interested in Cassie or that you love your fiancé. It implies that if Cassie did try something, you may go along with it.
Nope. Not wrong. Your fiancee just showed you her true colors. Your beings and needs be damned, is all about her. Good luck, man, and sorry for your and the family's loss.
Definitely NTA. My husband attended a funeral with me even though he didn't know anyone (not even the deceased), just to support me. That's what you do for people you love. Just like you'd go to a wedding as the guest of your significant other, you're supposed to be a team.
Sorry, but I don't think this is the right woman for you. At least you found out before you went thru with the wedding and had kids.
UpdateMe!
Edited for spelling.
You aren’t wrong. Your fiancé is a B. She told you that you couldn’t go? Like wtf? She isn’t your mother and you aren’t a child.
I’ve gone to funerals of people I didn’t know to support the people I did know. She should have gone with you.
She really thinks your ex GF from a decade ago is going to try something with you during her little brother’s funeral?
She projecting. I wonder if she’s guilty of cheating since she’s so sure you will.
And if you break up over this, I say you dodged a bullet. Be glad you found out before the wedding. And when people ask, tell them the truth on why you broke up. Don’t let her spin it.
Not wrong! This is a red flag of how your fiancé will prioritize herself over you. At 31 years old, she’s seems very insecure and controlling in the way she went about all this. Being more worried about your ex than your feelings is a concern. Updateme
I’m sorry for your loss.
No you are not wrong. You are allowed to grieve your friend. Just be careful people do rekindle romance during periods of grief. You are still engaged until you guys decide otherwise. Just be careful.
The only way your gf would be in the right here is if you had previously cheated on her with Cassie. If that were the case, nope you dont get to be around her for any amount of time due to any circumstance.
But it doesn't sound like you did that, so then NTA.
Also OP if you decide to marry her please make sure she is not cheating on you. This comes off like it could be her projecting. She immediately jumped to cheating when she knew you'd be around an ex, it's possible this is because she herself is cheating. You NEED to find out for sure before the wedding.
Obviously if you ask her outright it is doubtful she will confess. Ask to see her phone. If she is cheating, there will likely be evidence on there. So if she refuses to let you see the phone then it is clear she is hiding something. At that point, you then need to decide if you want to move forward.
My husband’s childhood friend passed tragically after we had been dating for a year or 2. I went with him to the funeral for support. I had never met the deceased. I was welcomed with open arms. It wouldn’t have been weird for your fiancé to attend.
Also, NTA. He was like family at one point, you needed to go and fiancé needed to trust you enough to not cheat on her.
She still has a thing for her ex and she's projecting. She believes you're a tool who can't say "no" to anyone and was shocked that you said no to her.
You're not wrong. Your should it least postpone the wedding and ask some real serious questions about the relationship.
I initially thought your dilemma was a matter of a funeral being scheduled on the same day as your wedding, but this clearly is not the case.
I am so sorry for your loss with the unexpected death of your ex-girlfriend's brother. Thank goodness you stood your ground and attended the funeral to pay your respects.
Whether or not you still have a fiancée--who, btw, seems insecure and controlling--is entirely up to her.
You clearly are not in the wrong. Take care
IMO the ONLY THING you did wrong was tell her that the wedding wasn’t important to you. So it’s her bad for acting so childish. She’s a grown woman. I think you are in the rgt but if this was the one time she acted like that , I wouldn’t be as upset or if it was your life . It’s best you found out now
Your fiancé thinks your ex girlfriend from 10 years ago who is grieving her dead little brother is going to try to jump your bones? At the funeral?
Yeah - I hope she does break up with you. It’ll save you from being the bad guy.
Just remember if she tries to paint you at the bad guy - this is all on her. You warned her about it. You never intended on breaking up…this is all on her!
The biggest red flag for me was the assumption that you would be willing to cheat.
Just because someone wants to have sex with you, does not mean you will agree.
Why should the wedding be important to you when the woman who is supposed to be your life partner can't support you when someone dear to you dies and thinks instead it's a possible opportunity for you to cheat.
Dodged a bullet.
Even if you do still have a fiancé when you get back, you should be thinking about whether or not you want one if this is common behavior for her. Updateme!
No, you’re not wrong for going but i think what you said to your fiancée was definitely wrong. I don’t know if you want to try to fix it but if you do, there needs to be counseling because there are clearly trust issues between you.
Not wrong. I’ll preface with that. But to say the words the wedding isn’t as important to you than she thought? Sheesh. I mean if you were trying to end it anyways, then good you got out. But if she’s someone you are in love with and want to spend the rest of your life with, well I don’t think those were the winning words!
I suspect maybe she was just feeling like it was too much with the wedding coming up and she is nervous and is worrying about how it will go. I think she just wanted you around but didn’t want to say she was nervous about the wedding.
So she used a different excuse and it backfired and she doubled down when you didn’t do what she expected.
I think you should at least sit down and talk it out and see if any of this is the case or see if she is just insecure and controlling.
Well… it is a bit weird that you worded it as “you’re pretty sure she’d be too upset over her brother to try and sleep with” YOU… rather than you don’t want to/have no intentions of sleeping with HER…
I went to the funeral of my ex-husbands sister. My husband was supportive, knowing how long their family had been in my life. Your fiancé must be incredibly insecure to be putting you in this position. You need to have a good, long chat with her.
Not wrong.
And this is coming from someone who most of the people on Reddit would call crazy jealous.
My husband I don’t really have friends of the opposite sex (a sin on Reddit I’ve learned) and we certainly don’t keep in touch with exes.
But if an ex called him and said my sibling to whom you were once close died, I’d like you attend the funeral, I can’t see why I would have a problem with it.
kind of dickish the way you said things but GOOD LORD. You go to funerals to support your loved one???? It doesn't matter if you don't know them. And if you were THAT worried Cassie might try to make a move on the dead brother's grave, I guess you should tag along and make sure she doesn't?
If you still have a fiance when you get back, you're an idiot because that lady is still a child.
yes.
i was on your side too, she shouldnt feel like she could keep you from going to the funeral, especially after you offered to take her with you.
but you saying your weddings not as important as your fiancee thought was out of line. shes going to be hurt for sure, you'd better be ready to reassure the fuck out of her when you make it back.
Always remember: breaking up even 5 minutes before the wedding is way cheaper, easier, less emotionally damaging than divorcing even 5 minutes after the wedding.
I would really like to know why your fiance would think that your ex girlfriend would try to get with you when she is mourning her brother who has died I would be looking at this relationship with the side eye because for her to even think some BS like that doesn't sit well what's wrong with her why would she say some BS like that. How insecure is she
ex girlfriend... from when they were little KIDS! 16? 18? Compared to late 20s early 30s? good loooord!!! Yeah, OP's fiance is scaaary insecure. Yikes yikes yikes! Hahaha!
I can't even imagine this. I'm in my early 40s and my husband flew halfway across the country for something similar late last year. He told me about the death and I asked him if he wanted me to book the tickets and the hotel for him before he even "asked" if he could go. I love him and grief for childhood friends and loves still have a place. I was just getting over a surgery (fine to be alone for a 24ish hours) so I couldn't go with him or I would have to be a support.
This⬆️⬆️⬆️ is what I call a healthy relationship. His fiancée tried to blackmail him by threatening to cancel the wedding instead of showing empathy, unlike you, u/BiddyInTraining, who supported your husband even after having an operation.👍 I don’t understand what’s so creepy about going to the funeral of your partner's friend who is a stranger to you. Shouldn't you go to support him? So much for: *“I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love and honor you all the days of my life."* OP, you should really take a good look at your fiancée. Her behavior is a red flag 🚩
Before my surgery (it was unexpected) we were sitting in the waiting room of the emergency department and it was packed. My husband had just worked a 10 hour day, picked me up, and we'd been in the ED at least 2 hours at this point. I told him to go home and rest - that I'd call him if I needed him. He just pointed at his shirt. (He happened to change into his Groom shirt from our wedding- he loves how soft it is lol) and then he said something like ,"This is the worse part, and I'm staying with my wife." 🩷🩷
Awww….you definitely found your match. He found himself a good woman and you found yourself a good man 🥹 I’m so happy for you, for both of you.🥰
🥰
THIS!!!, she should have told him to go attend the funeral & resume wedding planning once he returned
Sounds like OPs fiancée is unbearable.
This
And even if the ex *did* try something, you either trust that your partner would shut it down or you don't. Does she think OP is just gonna go along with it?
It could be insecurity or it could be the fiance is cheating on him. Cheaters tend to be full of themselves, they figure if \*they\* are cheaters then most other people must be too. Not a guarantee, it could be just insecurity. IF he decides to stay, he needs to make sure there has been no cheating going on.
Have you never seen the ending of Wedding Crashers?
She probably has a hideaway herself, so of course he's gonna sleep with his ex at the funeral.
I’m also mystified by the insecurity of high school relationships for adults. They were literal children. They broke up over a decade ago. Even without the grief and loss, I don’t see the likelihood of adults “reconnecting”
YES!! If shes willing to jeopardize he relationship over that, it might be a sign of deeper issues. OPs honoring a past connection and grieving a loss; theres nothing wrong with that.
FIL had a talk with my hubby and I about that, the night before the wedding, giving us an out. We chose not to. We’ve been married 22 years, 9 months and 10 days. As of today.
100% agree that jealousy over a funeral and his ex being there will likely get worse and you don't want to be divorcing someone that petty
Eh, but you miss what is usually a hell of a party. And annulments are a thing.
Those still cost money. 🤷
>Eh, but you miss what is usually a hell of a party. Nothing stopping you still having the party and the honeymoon holiday (without the other person!)
This is ridiculous. Annulments are incredibly hard to get! Divorce is ridiculously expensive & painful. Been there twice. Trust me, spending thousands on a party only adds insult to injury.
This answer right here. It is the correct answer. And it's okay that your girlfriend doesn't trust Cassie. The fact that she doesn't trust you is a huge red flag. Show her this. Make sure she understands she really screwed up.
You aren’t wrong. So… about a month before my husband and I got married, there was the death of a family friend. The three sets of parents were all buddies and the kids were all in the same four year age range, so the kids were also friends. One of those kids died. I had never met any of them. But my fiancé was going as the family representative, so to speak. He didn’t want to go alone. So I went. For him. She could have gone or been okay with it for you.
This is what most partners would do.
This right here. Dude, you dodged a bullet.
Anyone who *wouldn't* do this is stretching the definition of "partner" IMO.
Exactly. I can’t imagine letting my significant other go to a funeral by themselves. You go for the person you love…not for the person who died.
This couple wasn’t ready for marriage.
You were going as support. She would be going because she's thinking he would cheat on her
When me and my husband were still dating In our early 20s, he was in the army and unable to get a leave to attend his uncles funeral. I had only met his uncle in passing one time for about 5 minutes. But because he couldn't go, I decided I'd go for him.
Creepy to accompany her fiancé to a funeral? You are not wrong but your fiancée sure is.
This is borderline "every accusation is a confession." No one is more suspicious of cheating than a cheater.
It may be strange or weird to attend the funeral for someone you don’t know, but you do it in support of your loved ones. I had a boss attend my sister’s funeral and someone I was “with“ (hobosexual)didn’t go because he didn’t know her. Boss sure didn’t know her and he was way busy.
Yep, I was with one of my exes for three years, his dad committed suicide about a year after we started dating. I went, so did his stepdad and step brother, all of us there to support a different member of his family as none of us had any relationship with his dad for obvious reasons. His dads family kinda went nuts at his step dad for being there, I was with him the whole time and he never even looked at anyone. Man just stood like a mountain (he was the size of one) and told everyone he was there for his wife, step-sons, and nothing else. We did leave shortly after cause my ex blew up at everyone for creating an issue, but that's not what my point was...
When my grandma died, mother of my mother, my father came. My parents are divorced. But everyone was ok with that. My family can be weird. But normal for once 🤣
My Dad, Step-Mum, and Grandma (Dad’s Mum) sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers to the crematorium for the day of my Grandma’s (Mum’s Mum) funeral. My parents split up over 2 decades ago. My Mum and I were really touched by the gesture.
Not strange or weird at all to me. I have attended the funerals of people I barely knew because they were someone very special or a close relative to one of my very good friends, because my friend was hurting. Count me in as a weirdo. But it takes all kinds I guess. Some people just refuse to go out of their way if it's inconvenient or too distasteful or uncomfortable for them. Or maybe they truly can't and wouldn't want or expect their friends to do it for them. I hope that's not normal. I like the weirdos.
Her little brother died. And she thinks she wants him there to cheat?
I think it's weird to go to a total stranger's funeral - like, you don't know the person or anyone ELSE who knew the person. But a friend of a friend? A friend of a relative? A relative of a friend? If there is someone to link you to the person, then not weird. OP's fiance is craaazy
My BIL died unexpectedly shortly after I met my now-husband; they never met, but now-hubs came to the funeral anyway because he wanted to support me while I supported my sister.
I’m dying. Never heard the term hobosexual, but hey, hobos need love too
You aren't wrong. That was an absurd demand
I don't think this woman is mature enough to be getting married.
Especially since she's actually thinking his ex (who might be married or engaged herself) is going to take the opportunity to jump OP's dick as opposed to, you know, mourning the loss of her baby brother. JFC.
Even on the absurd chance that the ex might actually do that, she doesn't even trust her fiance enough to turn down his ex at her kid brother's funeral. If I trusted my lover that little, we wouldn't be engaged.
You are correct. I focused my response on his ex as opposed to OP and his behavior, who she should trust since she planned to marry him in 2 weeks. If that's her thinking... why marry him?
that is what I thought. If my partner didn’t trust me then it ain’t gonna work
She saw it in a movie though. /s
Yep. I was only dating my boyfriend for about 8 months when his brother’s best friend tragically passed away. The best friend knew the whole family and everyone was devastated. I accompanied my boyfriend to the services and even a memorial afterward where his life was celebrated with photos and speeches. Hell, I even cried because of how touching it was. I met the best friend’s wife and offered her my condolences and stayed until the very end with my guy and his family. You offer support, not ultimatums.
That just says you are a normal empathic and functional adult. OPs (ex?) fiancée isn\`t , yet.
Yeah, that demand was totally out of line. Going to support an old friend at a funeral shouldn't threaten a wedding.
and a selfish one.
You just said it!
Keep us updated please
right?? I definitely want an update to this.
Well it certainly seems like you guys aren't ready to get married. The lack of trust or ability to communicate are bad signs, completely independent of the funeral. Your fiancee was wrong to try to stop you from going. Her reasoning shows a lot of insecurity and immaturity. It is understandable that this would make you question her character or if she is who you really want to partner with for life. Since you asked very specifically about the quoted line in the title, I would say you were wrong only because that line wasn't about communicating your needs or boundaries - you said that line to hurt her and you know that. But if we're comparing, she is definitely more wrong.
I agree. There are somethings you don't put your foot down on. And a think loved ones funerals are pretty high on that list. If she dosent trust you to go a funeral before getting married seems like the kind of wife that is going to try to get you to stop going to hang out with friends and wants to know where you are all the time. If that is not the case and this was the only incident where she didn't want you to go somewhere that's different. Your wrong for saying that since it was ment to hurt her. But you were 100% right for going and let her know that she can't control every aspect of your life by sticking to your guns and going to pay your respects to a close friend that died in a tragic way. Invite her out to dinner when you get back and see what she says. Assuming she goes have a talk about each of your boundaries and depending on how that goes ether let her know you are excited to start the next chapter of your life with her...or you need some space to think about your future and who's in it.
Yeah for some reason this popped up as a notification on my phone and I thought from the brief blurb that they were scheduled on the same day or something and I was like, “ooh, that sounds really tough and complicated” Then when OP said it was a kid he hadn’t talked to in 10 years I was kinda like, well…okay, leaning towards the wedding as a priority obviously. Then I read on and realized they weren’t even on the same date and it was just insecurity? Ugh! Gross.
Exactly
Well said
You’re not wrong and your fiancée has an unreasonable ask. Definitely not ready to get married.
You are not over all wrong but your wording may be. Basically you should have said that ‘I guess our relationship isn’t as secure as I thought, if you think so little of me going to a friend’s funeral’ Your fiancée is insecure as hell and not supportive in the least. I hope things all work out for the best.
From the title it sounded like the funeral and the wedding were on the same day and I thought you were wrong, but hell thats not the case at all Your fiance should have a bit more faith in the man she is planning to marry, you shooting down any attempt of ex is what matters not that ex might try something, plus does she really think a woman who just lost her brother has any sex/dating on the mind I hope you dont have a fiance anymore, but the twist is I hope you decide she is no longer your fiance She showed no empathy to you, unwilling to compromise (by coming along), threatening the wedding to manipulate you into doing what she wants, no faith in you… at the very least postpone the wedding Im sorry for your loss
Just one nit pick. Many people use sex as an outlet when grieving. I know my wife and I have for sure. It's like when someone drowns their pain in alcohol or drugs. But for us it's love and sex that dulls the pain for a few hours... So... Yea it COULD happen. If OP was an idiot. Which he doesn't seem to be.
The sex outlet thing is an in the moment thing not a pre-meditated thing. And her logic is basically saying that he can’t be in any place with any female because they might jump him and he’d obviously be fine with it.
Which is why she should've gone with him, as he suggested.
Sounds like a great reason for fiance to go and support her partner if she's so worried. What I don't understand is really, regardless of the cheating happens, if that's where your trust levels are you already shouldn't get married. If you think so little of your partner that you think they'd attend the funeral of a family friend to try to cheat on you with their HS girlfriend from 15 fucking years ago, why are you marrying them anyway? The relationship is perfect as long as you have 24/7 approval of where they are else you can't trust they won't fuck someone else?
First - thank you for how you wrote this out. Soooo much easier to read than 90% of posts. Her response to you absolutely sucked. She made it about her jealousy and ignored & minimized your feelings and thoughts. It was wrong for her to tell you how to feel and respond. What you said was wrong because it was a put down. You had every right to be angry and frustrated with her, but, yeah, there are better ways to express it. Call the wedding off, either way, because there are too many things to figure out about this relationship.
>First - thank you for how you wrote this out. Soooo much easier to read than 90% of posts. How so? I didn't see anything special about how this post was written? Just an everyday Reddit post to me... (Tone - Polite. Chatty. General wondering. Good faith Q).
The formatting, not the content. Spacing between each point, rather than excessively long paragraphs.
Oh I understand you now. I see posts like this all the time though :) Long long LONG paragraphs are indeed a tough read for me too!
Not wrong. Your fiance sounds like she lacks empathy, and her greened monster is showing..
Her stating that you were jeopardizing the wedding by going to a funeral is crap. 31 years old and she acts like that. Yikes. Maybe she watches too much Ticky Tot. You are not wrong. What you are is a good friend.
>She told me she had no way of knowing Going with you was a way of knowing. Your fiance is basically saying that her ignorance and insecurity are more important to her than your grief, and she's pissed that you don't feel the same. Your fiance is a sea urchin: toxic, cold, spikey, and heartless.
Updateme
That's a big red flag from the fiance.
You are a good dude for attending the funeral of someone you cared about. You are wrong for the way you closed out the conversation with your wife-to-be. You're going to have to thread the needle of apologizing for telling her you don't care about your relationship that much, while also not coming off as apologetic for whatever did/didn't happen with Cassie. The bottom line wasn't "well I guess I don't care about us then", it was "no, I'm not jeopardizing our wedding because attending the funeral of a dear friend isn't a risk - I'm going, and we're just going to figure out how to make that be okay"
I don't think OP has anything to apologize for. His STBX decided to weaponize the wedding to control his beahvior. He decided to make it clear that he was not gonna be dominated in that way. She's the one who should apologize for even going there.
YNW. Your fiancé refusing to go to the funeral because it felt weird is wrong. I have been with my wife to funerals of coworkers I have not met before. As well as we have been to weddings as the plus one where one of use didn't know the people getting married. That is what partners do for each other.
How normal or out of character was her ultimatum? Look I saw your original post, and Reddit loves a good one sided villain story, but the reality is this one instance is not enough to justify telling you to walk away from this relationship or not. Were you wrong to go, absolutely not, you have the right to grieve how you need to. You offered her compromises which she did not want to take. She expressed her fears, which you dismissed. Yes she should trust you but raw emotions can do weird things. So your final words were that you don’t value your relationship the way she does. You basically sunk to her level. Is this how your arguments always go? Are you level headed and she gets hot and then you retaliate as she would? If so, and if she’s always this controlling then yes maybe pausing on a marriage is reasonable. Guess what married couples fight, and sometimes you might have times when you want to push each others boundaries, but if you cannot have discussions take breaks when they are heated and come back to reconcile how you are both feeling- then you are not right or ready to be married to each other. Also good marriages leave from to be wrong and apologize sincerely and make amends/ change for each other.
My ex wife similarly made it difficult for me when i had to attend the funeral of my cousin. I wish i had left her at that moment, instead of years later. It says a lot about a person’s character that in such a tragic moment, all they think about is themselves. One piece of advice I urge you to consider is that people reveal the most about themselves through their actions. Don’t listen to words but look at their actions. Your fiancee tells you that she loves you, but her actions say that she loves herself far far more.
UpdateMe
Not wrong. Part of being married is being understanding of your spouse and their needs. She didn't have a good reason to object, you did everything you could to make her understand and she kept on with the Bridezilla bullshit. If this costs you your fiancee, then it was worth it. This wouldn't have been the last time she holds your marriage hostage over one of her insane emotional outbursts.
In these scenarios, I like to think that they are exposing what they would do in your situation. Their mind goes there so obviously that’s what they would do. She really think there would be some attraction after 10+ years and her brother dying. It’s not weird to accompany your fiancé to the funeral of someone you don’t know. Why is that weird, but going to a wedding with a fiancé of someone you don’t know isn’t (just an example).
This was just offensive to read. I *sincerely* hope that you're right & you don't have a fiancee anymore because she's FUCKING AWFUL. "I don't want you going to the funeral of a person you loved like your own sibling because they're related to an ex of yours and the ex might try to fuck you." BITCH ARE YOU FOR CEREAL RIGHT NOW Get the hell out of here, damn. OP you're good, you did nothing wrong and you're now avoiding making a critically bad choice of life partner.
You're not wrong at all. And there's nothing strange about going to the funeral of a stranger if they're important to someone you love. I met one side of my ex's entire family at the funeral of his young cousin - it was certainly a weird place to meet them, but they were all grateful I was there and most importantly, my boyfriend needed my support. I sat next to a stranger (behind my boyfriend and his family, as they were in the front row - he was a pallbearer, and it WOULD have been strange for me to be in the front row)...at one point we held hands and sobbed together. I was 17 and understood what was needed from me. I had to go back and check your ages, figuring you were marrying young with this level of immaturity and lack of understanding. Good luck with whatever comes next.
You’re totally not wrong. Your financé is obviously insecure and not ready for marriage. And would rather you cater to her insecurities than be there for you in your time of need. Thinking that it’s weird to be someone at a funeral of someone you don’t know, knowing that your partner was invited and knows the family, is the weird part. She’s attempting to give you an ultimatum, while keeping you from ppl that were once a big part of your life. It’s better that you don’t go through with the wedding now, than wake up one day and realize that you’ve been trapped by someone who didn’t want to consider your side or feelings.
I'm weary of any relationship where one person is telling the other they can't see someone. If you have trust in a relationship, it shouldn't matter, and if you don't, you shouldn't be in a relationship with that person. And the thought that someone would be nefariously trying to sleep with their ex, and using their little brother's funeral to make that happen is utterly ridiculous. Your fiancée also only understands one of the reasons to go to a funeral. Reason 1 is because you are mourning. Reason 2 is because you are supporting someone who is mourning someone. Not wrong, and there are a ton of red flags popping up from your fiancée all of the sudden. I'd definitely think about her reactions before going through with a wedding.
Not in the least wrong. Your fiance is unhinged.
Shit, do you really want that sort of wife? There are plenty of people out there and plenty of time to find a better person to marry.
It's probably for the best. I don't think you are that into your fiancee and she doesn't trust you at all. All around bad start for a marriage.
Seems like a generated story but anyway, sounds like you both have communication issues.
Wait wait wait. Your answer to her concerns was that Cassie would be too distraught to try to sleep with you, and not that you love your partner and would never consider cheating on her?
Updateme
Sad, but this event revealed important info about your fiancé. **She knows you** and yet still says you are capable of a hook up with an ex!!! That is a wakeup call. Also, that her reason not to go with you is that "it would be creepy to go to the funeral of a stranger". That doesn't pass the smell test. A much better excuse is that she is too busy with the wedding prep. You dodged a bullet here. Not wrong.
It’s always good to find out who she is BEFORE the wedding
Nope. You definitely aren't wrong. Your fiance was totally inappropriate and ridiculous. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Even if she doesn't break up with you? I would break up with her.
Your finance likely cheated on you while you were gone as a preemptive revenge act. Just a heads up
NTA: if somebody is meeting you with their personal wants in a situation where it is nothing about them, this screams narcissism. I’m not saying that your fiancé is one, but her behaviors are very egocentric. I could not imagine a scenario in which you reached out to your fiancé regarding going to a funeral of a friend (even if it was just a short period in life it still means something) and her threatening your wedding. Also her assumptions also say a lot about who she is as a person. I learned recently through a book on toxic behavior, that narcissists and toxic individuals in a relationship well often express what they will actually do themselves in their interpretations of others. so it’s not necessarily something that that person would do, (try to sleep with someone else’s fiancé at her brothers funeral) but it’s interpreting it as something they would do and that’s why they’re concerned that this person will do it. Just of food for thought.
Don’t get married ! lol she’s going to control yo
If you do still have a fiance when you get back, you need to remedy that situation ASAP. This is not an equal life partner, and it's only going to get worse. Call off the wedding and decide if you're going to go to couple's therapy to work this whole situation out, or if it's over for good.
Not wrong at all and your fiancé is horribly disrespectful to both you and your ex. You are absolutely right why the hell would she try anything at her own brothers funeral and also it’s not a a stranger at all it’s someone you knew for years who literally looked at you like a brother? Do you even want to marry someone like that? Good luck op and you may have dodged a massive horrible bullet here!
2 months after my husband and I first started dating, his grandfather died. I told him I understood and to be careful on his trip (flights from Illinois to Jersey). He asked ME if I would go with him for support. I told him that I would as long as I could find a babysitter (my daughter was 10 and had really bad ADHD and I didn't think it would be appropriate). I found one and we ended up driving out there so he had more time to process and compose himself before being around family. That was my first meeting with his entire family! A couple of years later we drove out there again for my brother-in-law's funeral, only this time we were married. My point is, I NEVER tried to stop him from going. Yes they were his family, but the funeral for his brother took 3 days from the shear amount of people that showed up, some being childhood friends and ex's. She should never have tested you like this. People grow and move on. She clearly hasn't and doesn't trust you enough to shut something down were it to happen.
Bullet dodged my friend. That's some level 5 clinger stuff. Who gets jealous of a high school relationship, especially in the context of a funeral?
Not wrong, but you would be wrong if you still getting married in a couple weeks. Even if your fiance apologizes I would call off the wedding at this point. They aren't ready to be married. If she actually cared about you she would have wanted to be there for you.
You are not wrong. 1. This was not a “stranger’s” funeral, this was a person who was important in your life, and you wanted to mourn him and support his family at a horrible time. 2. This whole argument that you cannot be in the same room as an ex is ridiculous. Who cares if your ex tried to get with you. What matters is whether the fiancée has any reason to think YOU would do anything with your ex. If she feels that you can’t be trusted to go to a funeral without getting your dick out, she should not be your fiancée. If she feels that way despite you giving her ample proof that her worries are just plain irrational, she shouldn’t be your fiancée.
Dude, if your fiance doesn't understand how important that would be to you then she's definitely not the woman for you. If your fiance doesn't trust that you won't cheat on her now, she's never going to.
Is your fiancee's wedding dress made entirely of red flags?
Good riddance, why do you need that in your life?
She sounds jealous, controlling and irrational. Consider it a bullet dodged.
NTA sorry for your loss.
NTA is lose respect for someone who did something like that to me. Even if she didn’t trust your ex she still should have trusted you.
She insecure about him seeing an ex from 10 years ago so he offered a perfectly reasonable solution and she rejects it. Seems like she loves to create drama for some reason. He’s going to a funeral of the ex’s brother for god sakes. She really thinks that either he or the Ex is thinking about jumping in the sack during this time. With that level of trust and need to create drama I wouldn’t be thinking this is the person I want to marry and start a with. I would be putting a hold on this wedding.
You are not wrong. Strangers go to funerals all the time. They go to support someone who knew the deceased or their family. What is this weird obsession people have thinking every ex is dying to get it on again with their significant other, constantly? Jealousy is not a good look on anyone. If she doesn't calm down, this kind of crap is what your future looks like.
I know of a couple that REFUSE to go to funerals or weddings. They have no empathy for anyone but themselves and, of course, weddings and funerals aren't about THEM so ....
You spoke for FIVE MINUTES?!??! Holy shit dude... I hope you didn't accidentally get her pregnant. NTA. Your fiancée is being super possessive. Is she going to be like this ever time you mention a female name when talking about something that happened at work? This sounds like 16 year old behaviour, not 31 year old behaviour.
I mean how can he even hold a job where females work? After all, he might sleep with them and she isn't there to make sure he won't. She's a giant red flag.
"I see baseball bats and broken car windscreens in your future"
NTA. Your fiancée is very immature. Sorry about your friend.
Not wrong. Better off canceling the engagement. You don’t want a life tied to someone like her.
I’m so sorry this is incredibly cruel. I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t care enough about me to be there for me after a personal loss. Like 2 weeks after I started dating my husband his grandfather passed. I went with him. Even though I had not met his family yet. I do t think you are wrong and I’m so sorry all this has happened.
Not wrong. Your fiancée is jealous of someone you dated over a decade ago and who has just lost her little brother in a terrible accident? Wow. Where is the compassion in all of this? She "TOLD" you you can't go??? Say, what? What other stuff over the years has she controlled you over? If that isn't a 🚩 I don't know what is. You even offered to bring her with you to allay her insecurities, but she refused because if it turns out that Cassie did indeed NOT make a move on you, it'll highlight your fiancée's ridiculous assumption. Can't have your insistence on nothing happening validated, now, can she? /s Look, mate, she is showing her true colours to you. I don't know if calling the wedding off is the route you want to go down, but I would definitely postpone it to give yourself more time to consider if this is the kind of partner you want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells with.
Imagine being that insecure about a relationship that ended a decade ago.
I’m going against the grain here, but it is a bit weird to get a call from an ex asking to attend the funeral of her family member. I don’t know how your fiancée discussed it, but I understand that it was a bit weird. But it should have been a discussion- she’s weirded out, you explain that Kyle was someone important to you and you’d never cheat, and maybe talk about having separate lodging. Instead shit blew up, not sure who went nuclear first, but what you said definitely was not good. The discussion should have happened, and depending on who unraveled it, they are most in the wrong.
High school is always two words
You chose your ex over your fiance. Then, you told your fiance that your wedding wasn't that important to you. So yeah, I'd say you're wrong as well as single.
If she doesn't have this level of trust in you, y'all are not ready to get married/ are not a match.
If she’s that insecure, she’s not ready to be married. Attractive women are everywhere.
Don’t marry someone who doesn’t know how to support someone who is grieving. Don’t let her deny you closure.
I’m confused. Why are you asking us instead of breaking up with this psycho? Are you dumb or something? Do you really need us to point out how exhausting living with her will be?
No you are defiantly not wrong - where is your fiancee’s empathy for your HS sweetheart & her family! I am so glad you went to Kyle’s funeral despite your fiancée’s ridiculous objections. Her insecurities will bleed into your relationship over & over again. Maybe being an ex-fiancée might be a good thing!
Why are you marrying this heartless monster?
Not wrong at all. I can't imagine being married to someone so insecure to forbid going to a damned funeral.
For me this is an ESH. Because yes, the wife assuming her fiancé would just go to reconcile with the ex is weird, and not going when offered is also weird. But this doesn’t warrant them to “break it off” entirely. Y’all forget that OP hasn’t even seen or heard from these people in 10 years, and he last seen the ex’s brother at the age 10. He wouldn’t even recognize the adult version of her brother if he was out in public because from 10 to 20 you drastically change from kid to adult. Now I can see if he kept in contact with the brother before he past, but he hadn’t. So for OP to seem like he MUST go or else is a bit wild.
I’ll copy my comment from your original post. And for the record, I do think that you’re wrong. Yeah, I kind of think that the probably ex-fiancee overreacted a little, but who just jumps on a plane for the funeral of someone that you essentially knew for 3 years, as a kid, and last saw 10 years ago? That seems like an overreaction to me, too. I think I'm more on ex-fiancee's side, really.
Duration of friendship is irrelevant.
Agreed.
You’re both in the wrong. The conversation was started in the wrong tone and left no room for her to even offer to come. You should have said “I would like it if you came with me to support me” or “it’s really important to go because xyz” and you’re such an ass for saying what you did to her about the wedding. I hope you both move on and find better.
Let's go!!!!! That was a really quick ending, though. Good luck to both of you.
Updateme
Updateme
Updateme
Updateme
Updateme
Updateme
Updateme!
Updateme!
UpdateMe.
Info, has she been this insecure over your interactions with other exes, or even just other women before? Have you ever given her reason to be insecure in this area? Or was she cheated on by an ex? I don’t think you are wrong per se, but do think it is a weirs hill for her to die on and am wondering where this insecurity is coming from.
At least she showed now instead of after your marriage and have to pay for a divorce.
When someone's first reaction is "Your gonna cheat" they are a cheater. Sounds like her emotional maturity is lacking, and is that someone you want to spend your life with?
This story is very familiar…they break up and he comforts Cassie and old feelings emerge. They decide to explore a new relationship with each other.
You’re not wrong…. But it’s odd you say that Cassie won’t try to sleep with you as the reason nothing will happen as opposed to you’re not interested in Cassie or that you love your fiancé. It implies that if Cassie did try something, you may go along with it.
Updateme
Nope. Not wrong. Your fiancee just showed you her true colors. Your beings and needs be damned, is all about her. Good luck, man, and sorry for your and the family's loss.
Updateme
Updateme!
Definitely NTA. My husband attended a funeral with me even though he didn't know anyone (not even the deceased), just to support me. That's what you do for people you love. Just like you'd go to a wedding as the guest of your significant other, you're supposed to be a team. Sorry, but I don't think this is the right woman for you. At least you found out before you went thru with the wedding and had kids. UpdateMe! Edited for spelling.
The lack of empathy is disturbing. I'm sorry for your friends loss and for yours.
You aren’t wrong. Your fiancé is a B. She told you that you couldn’t go? Like wtf? She isn’t your mother and you aren’t a child. I’ve gone to funerals of people I didn’t know to support the people I did know. She should have gone with you. She really thinks your ex GF from a decade ago is going to try something with you during her little brother’s funeral? She projecting. I wonder if she’s guilty of cheating since she’s so sure you will. And if you break up over this, I say you dodged a bullet. Be glad you found out before the wedding. And when people ask, tell them the truth on why you broke up. Don’t let her spin it.
Not wrong! This is a red flag of how your fiancé will prioritize herself over you. At 31 years old, she’s seems very insecure and controlling in the way she went about all this. Being more worried about your ex than your feelings is a concern. Updateme I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA. She sounds heartless and insecure. UPDATE US!
No you are not wrong. You are allowed to grieve your friend. Just be careful people do rekindle romance during periods of grief. You are still engaged until you guys decide otherwise. Just be careful.
The only way your gf would be in the right here is if you had previously cheated on her with Cassie. If that were the case, nope you dont get to be around her for any amount of time due to any circumstance. But it doesn't sound like you did that, so then NTA. Also OP if you decide to marry her please make sure she is not cheating on you. This comes off like it could be her projecting. She immediately jumped to cheating when she knew you'd be around an ex, it's possible this is because she herself is cheating. You NEED to find out for sure before the wedding. Obviously if you ask her outright it is doubtful she will confess. Ask to see her phone. If she is cheating, there will likely be evidence on there. So if she refuses to let you see the phone then it is clear she is hiding something. At that point, you then need to decide if you want to move forward.
My husband’s childhood friend passed tragically after we had been dating for a year or 2. I went with him to the funeral for support. I had never met the deceased. I was welcomed with open arms. It wouldn’t have been weird for your fiancé to attend. Also, NTA. He was like family at one point, you needed to go and fiancé needed to trust you enough to not cheat on her.
So, are you still engaged? And if so, why?
She still has a thing for her ex and she's projecting. She believes you're a tool who can't say "no" to anyone and was shocked that you said no to her. You're not wrong. Your should it least postpone the wedding and ask some real serious questions about the relationship.
I initially thought your dilemma was a matter of a funeral being scheduled on the same day as your wedding, but this clearly is not the case. I am so sorry for your loss with the unexpected death of your ex-girlfriend's brother. Thank goodness you stood your ground and attended the funeral to pay your respects. Whether or not you still have a fiancée--who, btw, seems insecure and controlling--is entirely up to her. You clearly are not in the wrong. Take care
Sounds like you dodged a jealous and controlling bullet! Not wrong for you to have gone but it might be too late to salvage your wedding plans
IMO the ONLY THING you did wrong was tell her that the wedding wasn’t important to you. So it’s her bad for acting so childish. She’s a grown woman. I think you are in the rgt but if this was the one time she acted like that , I wouldn’t be as upset or if it was your life . It’s best you found out now
Your fiancé thinks your ex girlfriend from 10 years ago who is grieving her dead little brother is going to try to jump your bones? At the funeral? Yeah - I hope she does break up with you. It’ll save you from being the bad guy. Just remember if she tries to paint you at the bad guy - this is all on her. You warned her about it. You never intended on breaking up…this is all on her!
Not wrong in my opinion, your fiancee obviously for whatever reason doesn't trust you can't start married life with no trust
The biggest red flag for me was the assumption that you would be willing to cheat. Just because someone wants to have sex with you, does not mean you will agree.
Why should the wedding be important to you when the woman who is supposed to be your life partner can't support you when someone dear to you dies and thinks instead it's a possible opportunity for you to cheat. Dodged a bullet.
Nope. You are good. Who tf is so insecure that they try to stop you from going to a funeral?
Even if you do still have a fiancé when you get back, you should be thinking about whether or not you want one if this is common behavior for her. Updateme!
Updateme
Update me
No. Either there are trust issues you didn’t tell us about or your finance is a jealous controlling person.
No, you’re not wrong for going but i think what you said to your fiancée was definitely wrong. I don’t know if you want to try to fix it but if you do, there needs to be counseling because there are clearly trust issues between you.
Your fiancée sucks dude
Not wrong. I’ll preface with that. But to say the words the wedding isn’t as important to you than she thought? Sheesh. I mean if you were trying to end it anyways, then good you got out. But if she’s someone you are in love with and want to spend the rest of your life with, well I don’t think those were the winning words!
I suspect maybe she was just feeling like it was too much with the wedding coming up and she is nervous and is worrying about how it will go. I think she just wanted you around but didn’t want to say she was nervous about the wedding. So she used a different excuse and it backfired and she doubled down when you didn’t do what she expected. I think you should at least sit down and talk it out and see if any of this is the case or see if she is just insecure and controlling.
Updateme
Well… it is a bit weird that you worded it as “you’re pretty sure she’d be too upset over her brother to try and sleep with” YOU… rather than you don’t want to/have no intentions of sleeping with HER…
Run!
Well your comment was harsh way to verbalize your frustration for sure. But you’re NTA for going. Your fiancée is far too insensitive and insecure.
I went to the funeral of my ex-husbands sister. My husband was supportive, knowing how long their family had been in my life. Your fiancé must be incredibly insecure to be putting you in this position. You need to have a good, long chat with her.
Is this a repost? I read this story before.
Not wrong. And this is coming from someone who most of the people on Reddit would call crazy jealous. My husband I don’t really have friends of the opposite sex (a sin on Reddit I’ve learned) and we certainly don’t keep in touch with exes. But if an ex called him and said my sibling to whom you were once close died, I’d like you attend the funeral, I can’t see why I would have a problem with it.
kind of dickish the way you said things but GOOD LORD. You go to funerals to support your loved one???? It doesn't matter if you don't know them. And if you were THAT worried Cassie might try to make a move on the dead brother's grave, I guess you should tag along and make sure she doesn't? If you still have a fiance when you get back, you're an idiot because that lady is still a child.
Sounds like you’re dodging a bullet if she’s gone.
Pretty sweet you’re single at 29. That’s just about the perfect age.
yes. i was on your side too, she shouldnt feel like she could keep you from going to the funeral, especially after you offered to take her with you. but you saying your weddings not as important as your fiancee thought was out of line. shes going to be hurt for sure, you'd better be ready to reassure the fuck out of her when you make it back.