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It is not your parents job to support a baby you chose to have whether that’s financially or babysitting . Giving the baby to a couple who were likely struggling to have their own child and can take care of that child is the best thing you could have done
I got pregnant and had a baby before graduating college. And my parents paid not nary a penny to help take care of my child. I was married, so my husband and i both went to school and worked full time jobs to take care of ourselves and our son. I never had the expectation of burdening people who didnt create my child with having to care for him. That was mine and my husband’s responsibility. None other. It wasn’t easy. But we did it. If i had not been married, then i likely wouldve gotten an abortion if i got pregnant.
You sound like a very entitled, immature person that would have made a terrible parent. Believe it or not, the child’s welfare was the most important consideration in your decision. “Some random couple” was almost definitely better equipped to handle raising and caring for a human being than you were. And you grossly underestimate how much it costs to have a child.
Wait, this is a fake post, isn’t it?
No, I wouldn't support you. You made the choice to have sex and get pregnant. Your parents have already raised their children and don't want to raise yours. It's up to you now. You want to have a baby, become a mother and raise your child. It's not up to anyone else other than you and the baby daddy.
What? Nah they need to grow tf up and face the consequences of their decisions. Aint no handholding for life in this bitch. The fuck you think this is?
I mean….shit happens. Even on birth control. Understanding your choices and the emotional, physical and psychological ramifications of those choices are what the parents are responsible for teaching.
But no one wants their folks in bed with them while they’re getting it on, do they?
What, exactly, do you think her folks should do to ensure their daughter does not become accidentally pregnant?
Somehow some way they should make sure the child learned the lesson you said in your 3rd sentence:
"Understanding your choices and the emotional, physical and psychological ramifications of those choices are what the parents are responsible for teaching."
Was this directed at me or the OP?
It wouldn't be MY parents' fault because they raised me to know that in order to do things you need to have money and the most consistent way of getting that is having a job and to continue to grow and make a career.
At you. You are currently unemployed. OP got knocked up. So is it your parents' fault that you have no job? What did your parents do to ensure their kid does not become accidentally unemployed? Is it your parents' fault that you didn't dress for the gym inappropriately or is that yours? The same applies here.
How did you determine that I'm unemployed?
As for your follow-up questions I already answered that in my other comment.
I'm just saying, if I failed to teach my kids how to make good decisions and how to go about making those good decisions in a practical way, that WOULD be my fault.
Why should they? Did they get pregnant? Did they decide to have a baby? Did you discuss this with them before getting pregnant? You cannot expect them to help you pay. They already raised you up, they cannot be expected to also financially support their grandchild. Maybe ask for help with babysitting, but they probably need their own money so they can retire, have their life now. But basically you want them to support their grandchild for another 18 years?
I am sorry to hear this happened to you, and I understand that school is important, but you are making some bad decisions. You do sound very entitled. You owe your parents an apology. If the baby you gave up got pregnant and asked you for money….would you do it?
I’m a mother to two kids about your age (21 and 18). In our family, it would be likely that if one of our children became pregnant before they were able to support the child alone, and wanted to keep the child, we would help them.
Let me repeat that: we would *help* them. That means helping with childcare and some expenses while they worked part time and attended school part time and raised their own child.
I can’t imagine either of them expecting me to fully financially support their child for years so they could continue on with their other plans for college etc., which seems to be what you expected.
If my kids did expect that, I would honestly worry about their maturity and ability to raise that child at that point in their lives. Adoption seems like it may have been the best decision given your situation at the time.
Honestly, this is the best response. It is a privilege to have grandparents who can help in some manner it's another with a child. Even when it's just free daycare, it's an enormous gift to someone who can't afford daycare and simply hasn't had a chance to pee alone in a while. It is a privilege. Not a right.
I think what you (OP) are focused on is the concept of fairness that you have built up in your head. That since it would have been a small percentage of their income, it would have been fairer for them to support you, so that you could have been in that child's life.
Like if they bought you a pony when you were 12, it would have been unfair for them to expect you to pay for the upkeep of the pony at 12.
OP, in some ways, you will always be their little girl. In matters of pregnancy however, it is crucially important that they force you to deal with the very adult consequences of your actions.
You brought life into this world. You brought a life that you had no capability of supporting. Your parents CANNOT be responsible for it. In a perfect world the baby wouldn't have been conceived without you and the Father's prior consent. We don't live in that world.
It's probably hard for you to be impressed that you dad didn't leave, that your mom didn't ignore you and actively punished you when your accomplishments outshined your siblings. It's probably hard to believe just how shitty parents out there can be. Harder still to accept that your parents are exemplary.
OP, you have reached that point in life where the responsibilities of your actions have consequences that belong to you or not everything elseof nothing else
It's not a grandparent's job to support and raise a child. Sure they can help but you did the right thing by giving the baby to people that are more equipped to handle the child.
Let’s see, your parents are probably already shelling out tons of money for your tuition, and you also want them to pay for your baby? You act as though they’re your ATM.
Depends on the situation. I’d most likely ask my daughter to move back in with me to make helping care for the child easier.
Children deserve loving, responsible parents. You sound young so you have A LOT of time to finish school, get your professional life going, and have a baby. The person you choose to have kids with is a very important life decision, probably best to not rush that.
I know it sucks but basically, we all have to own our decisions and nobody has to come to save you including family. My wife and I have talked about this quite a bit and once our son gets a bit older, we are going to have a very serious talk with him about sex and dating. Basically, neither of us would object to him having a relationship including sex. However, we will teach him all about STD's, pregnancy, consent and so on. I will even buy him condoms if he is too bashful to do it himself.
He will be told that if he impregnates a girl that it will be up to the two of them to decide what to do and we will not be raising a child during our retirement years or financially supporting him beyond the post-secondary investments that we are currently building for him.
You got pregnant and you decided to keep the baby and now it is your job to clean up your mess; not your parents.
Oh for sure! He is 6 and he knows what consent means (in various contexts) and knows that a man and woman are required to make a baby. I think that I knew what sex was to a degree when I was about 9 so I am definitely going to tell him in the next year or 2. I'd much prefer that it all comes from my wife and I so he knows that when the time comes, he can talk to us.
Good. I learned in 6th grade from other 6th grade girls. Mom never talked to me. It was taboo and bad until I got married, then I was supposed to like it. It took too many years to shift gears. I wish my parents would have been like you. Not to tell you your job, but don’t forget to mention how great it is with the right person. I was so afraid that knowing that would encourage my daughter that I didn’t fully explain that. Fortunately, she turned out more well adjusted than me. It’s taken me 60 years to come to terms with it. Sorry if thats too much info. You sound like a great dad and husband.
The phrasing in this is so weird. You made a choice. And from the sounds of it your baby is probably better for it. I’m not saying that to be mean, but you have a lot of maturing to do. You could have done to school part time and had a job. You could have delayed school for a few years. You chose what was most important to you.
I’m not saying it was the wrong choice, but it was your choice.
I would babysit and help where I could if it were my daughter, but she would be working or making other changes so she could be the actual parent.
If you're old enough to have a child, you're old enough to provide for it. Don't expect your parents or family to drop everything to give it a better life while you do whatever the hell you want. Get a job, part-time, full-time, retail or otherwise, to pay for expenses for you and/or your child(ren). I come from a similar background also, but I've never asked nor expected my parents to pay for anything. 18 is practically a child. Legally, you're an adult, but it's like a 3 children in a trenchcoat situation where you *are* an adult, but there are limitations. Why is "get a job" in quotes like that?
If you can't be responsible enough to avoid unwanted pregnancies when you're unable/unwilling to provide for a child, stop engaging in intercourse and focus on school, yourself, and starting a career. So many people, teens, especially, who want or give birth to kids, realize it's not all sunshine and rainbows and no longer want it, the novelty wore off. At 18, you're still very immature and you should wait till at least 24-25ish when you're brain is fully developed.
Depends on the particular circumstances, how much college they have left, and what their plan would be considering the situation. In all likelihood, I’d be willing to raise my daughters baby while she finishes her degree, on the condition that she reimburses me for all the supplies I have to buy to take care of my grandchild. This is all assuming I had kids of my own, which unfortunately I don’t.
Honey, you made very adult decisions and got very adult outcomes. If you choose to bring a human being into the world, then you need to step up and do what it takes to be responsible for that life you created (and same for the father). No, you shouldn't have to do it alone, but that doesn't mean being entitled to just having your parents shoulder the entire financial burden for YOUR child until you finish years worth of schooling. Helping you out now and then is different than just letting you live as if this massive choice has no natural consequences, such as the immense financial and time responsibility that is required to raise a child. How old would your baby be once you're ready to step back into their life and take over as parent? You don't just get to dump your child onto your parents until you're done with medical school, and then take over when the kid is what, a kindergartner or older, and expect the child to recognize or respect you as their parent when you have not been the one to care for or raise them for the earliest, most formative years of their life. What you wanted your parents to do for you is neither fair nor realistic.
Come on! When you sent her to college you didn’t consider that this could possibly happen if you didn’t your nieve in thinking it because that’s one of the first things they learn. Accidents happen and it’s your daughter and granddaughter
Your baby went to a couple who wanted a baby and presumably the means and maturity to care for that child. No offense, but who cares if it was traumatic for you? It was the best outcome for your baby.
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The short version, life is tough, and they raised you. They owe you nothing more.
That being said, I would have supported my daughter and grandchild to be sure they had a better life, i couldn't imagine doing what yours did. But I don't judge others for their definition of love and loyalty. How we see those is a personal thing
True. But we are only really seeing her side. They might know her better or maybe just looking out for her. Seeing the forest Instead of a tree. she doesn’t say how long she expects this. And you have to wonder if she’s blaming her parents, she hasn’t really learned the lesson. So she might be doomed to repeat it if they let her off this time. Just my opinion.
I know if either one of my daughters had a kid before finishing school, I would help but wouldn't take responsibility for the baby other than a grandpa's job. I have already raised 3 kids, and I don't want another one in the last few decades of my life. I would do what I could, but the responsibility is hers and the dad's. I'm not trying to be rude, but if you don't want the responsibility, then you know what you have to do to not have a kid. Rather if it's birth control or focusing on your future instead of screwing around. Having a kid is a major responsibility. You no longer live for yourself, they come first. Work now so you can play later, do what you have to to get your future rolling, and then you can focus on kids, a house, a spouse, and everything that comes with it.
Your parents are 100% right to force you to take responsibility for the child and not letting you shove the burden to them, no matter how small you think that burden is. Raising a child is never just about the money. Your kid would have grown up fatherless, and his mother basically too busy for him/her. Yes, you say they'd just need to shell out some money your way, but everyone knows it dosent just stops there. Your parents are also going to be on the book for caring for the child whenever you're unable to care for him, and as a single mom still in university, that's pretty much most of if not all the time. And the first couple years of working you'll be even busier, because if you let your motherly duties affect your job, you'll lose out in the employment market to competition. I'm also going to assume that the father will be absent in the kid's life, and probably not paying child support.
So for your particular situation at that point in time, giving up your kid for adoption or foster care is the best option possible for your child. And you did it when the baby was born, before you could develop your bonds with him any further. It'd be a lot worse if you had your way and then changed your mind later. The trauma would be a hell lot worse, potentially scarring the child permanently.
What would I have done? As the father, I would have married you, and probably have a discussion with you as to which of us needed to get a job while the other finishes their degree, and then the other go back to finish up. As the mom dealing with a bf who ran away? Well, that's a pretty tough decision to make, and I'd probably have to choose between either dropping out to get a job to raise the kid (can always finish the degree later), or giving up the kid for adoption. Either way this goes, painful sacrifices have to be made. As your parents? I'd do the same thing yours did. Tell you that you need to make sacrifices here, and money from me would not have solved any of your problems, and that it would be better for everyone in the long run to have the child be given up for adoption.
You described your experience as heartbreaking and traumatic? Well, all the other options have that basically, as with the nature with sacrifices. Someone has to give up their education and force themselves to work a menial job that they wouldnt have worked under any circumstances. Someone has to give up their dream. Someone has to contend with the risk that their spouse is gonna ditch them, the marriage and the child because they "hadnt have the chance to experience life in its fullest yet". If its me in your shoes, I'd swallow the pain and focus on my career. Maybe I'll get the chance to reconnect with the kid at a later date. As opposed to basically tanking my career before it even started, forcing my kid to grow up in a less than ideal environment, forcing myself to live with the resentment of being abandoned by my partner to live with and raise the kid I never asked for and so on so forth. And every god damn time I wake up in the middle of the night to the child's crying or screaming (almost daily occurrence in the first year of life, and after that whenever the child is sick or down with fever), I'll have to contend with the fact that my next 24 hours is going to be extreme hell due to the lack of sleep, and that the last 7 days was basically the exact same thing as now. Maybe due to your upbringing, you're sheltered from all of this, the facts and reality of raising kids. So maybe you arent aware of the astronomical amount of work that goes into it.
I would vallue your education, to have a stable future for this grandbaby, so I would help you where ever you needed help, but I'd expect you to take a job in return and show responsibility for your actions. You thought it was ok to have sex and take a risk of becoming pregnant, you take the consequenses. Assuming it was of free will ofcourse.
I would say no to keep everyday for the rest of her life from being hard, and forcing her to make a plan for the child if she wanted it. If her day one plan is leave it at mom's, she isn't ready. She took the adoption route and the baby will bond with a family better and have a pick of loving eager families as opposed to being an inconvenience.
Every situation is unique though, having a child taken from your arms is something you never get over, even when it's the right thing, so I would hopen she would consider all her options.
It's a hypothetical daughter so she's easy to be firm with.
The op would be cut off anyway so she could learn about money. Being a good parent is raising children who can survive on their own at some point, and her reluctance to ever work is sad.
I was in the exact situation as you. I decided to drop out of school, move in with my boyfriend and work full time. I went back to school when my oldest was 8.
I think since I’ve been there I wouldn’t tell my kid anything, except that we love them and am there for them.
Well of course I’d support my daughter, whenever she needs help. I mean, that is what parents are for , helping their kids no matter the circumstances might be .
And maybe get in touch with the baby father and politely remind him of his duties
Good luck with that. Your words are empty, because the daughter would have bailed the moment the baby was born. And the father would have been a ghost. Enjoy raising a child with major emotional issues because of having been abandoned by both parents.
Bro , idk about you but why should she bail? Yes the father is a douchebag and accountable for the child , no question. Maybe it’s the way I for raised to think differently but if you raise you daughter in a good way and support her in her tough times , she most likely won’t bail .
Go back to the original post. She expressed concern only for herself and her feelings, and for the injustice her parents committed by giving her a very reasonable choice. She CHOSE going to college over getting a job. She CHOSE her own needs and desires over keeping her baby.
Also, bro, I’m a 66 year old woman with 3 happy, healthy, successful children and a crazy fascinating granddaughter. Bro.
All I said is : I support my daughter if she was in that situation when the worst decision making parts are over, having a family talk about everything.
I guess I feel like the family dynamics of the OP were pretty poor to begin with, and that she was looking for support without consideration to the needs of the child, or her parents, for that matter. Having said that, I would walk over hot coals for my sweet, super fun and funny, successful daughter. And a family conference would probably be productive with my own family as well.
That’s fine, don’t have sex and expect other people to take care of your child. Please don’t go to med school, your decision making is absolutely terrible.
Most successful matriculants have had a lot of work experience and the trend is growing towards many people taking 3-5+ year gaps for work experience before applying to medical school.
How will you get into med school without any prior work experience?
If you really care about your own kid, let her come and why should a pregnant girl or young mother work, we have laws to protect parents and I wouldn’t force her to work in this situation.
She needs a place to calm down and be able to finish school , after everything surrounding the baby is clear.
So, let me recap: you get pregnant, want to keep the baby, go to med school (which can take 5-10 years), not work, and have your parents fund all of this?
Who’s going to watch the baby? Do they have to do that too? They did the right thing saying no. That baby is NOT their responsibility.
You fucked around and found out. Literally.
Sorry to say : you have lousy parents. Sure teenage pregnancy isn’t optional mid idk college or highschool, but as I said, you gotta support your kid and not work against it by forcing it to work.
Because this individual, the mom, would have bailed at the first opportunity, leaving her parents to raise the child. Seen it happen. And raising a child is exhausting and expensive, plus in this case the child would have had serious emotional issues, having been abandoned by both parents. I really loathe people that don’t consider bringing a human being into the world, seriously.
Poorly, I’m guessing. “Blood” is just a concept, but the emotional issues a child would have had, being abandoned by both parents, is a reality. He or she was almost definitely better off being raised by people who were desperate to be parents than an old person who was responsible for raising the mama who abandoned him or her.
You act like you cant give them therapy. Also, is the current situation any better? If you have the means you can provide for them. Again, this is if it was my kid. Idk what kinda shitty parents you’re automatically assuming of.
Yes without question if she asked. I would have terms, but she would know that going in. Some people don't love like that. I have been semi lucky to have been around a few that do and decided at a young age that helping those you love is its own reward.
Not at all. And it's kind of sad that you think so. I've been able to do for folks a time or two, and it has been a pleasure to be able to send someone up a little better than you found them. My boys have grown to be good, responsible men, but when they came up short, it wasn't a hard decision.
As I said, I would have terms. But my kids would know that going in. But the answer would always be yes.
It’s actually kind of sad that you think you could raise a happy, healthy child, given that you raised the mama that abandoned him or her. Because that birth mother would have bailed the minute the baby was born. It’s also more than sad that so many people don’t take bring an actual human being into the world seriously. Also, and I am actually kind of laughing in a very sad, disappointed with people sort of way, what would your recourse be if your daughter didn’t comply with your “terms”?
Imagination has nothing to do with it. Go back to the original post. The OP is not concerned about the interests or needs of the child, only her own. She is too immature and self centered to adequately raise an human being. Also, in the future, avoid ad hominem arguments. They’re a cheap way to engage in a legitimate discussion.
If I had a daughter she wouldnt even need to ask...I'd be there...but I come from a long line of poor folk, and learned early on that all we have is eachother.
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It is not your parents job to support a baby you chose to have whether that’s financially or babysitting . Giving the baby to a couple who were likely struggling to have their own child and can take care of that child is the best thing you could have done
Not always. Some adopted parents can provide financially, but can fail in the love department.
Its on goodor bad on a case by case basis...
I got pregnant and had a baby before graduating college. And my parents paid not nary a penny to help take care of my child. I was married, so my husband and i both went to school and worked full time jobs to take care of ourselves and our son. I never had the expectation of burdening people who didnt create my child with having to care for him. That was mine and my husband’s responsibility. None other. It wasn’t easy. But we did it. If i had not been married, then i likely wouldve gotten an abortion if i got pregnant.
Huh? Support her child for her decision to get pregnant? Heck no. If course I'd buy the child things. But I'm not supporting the child.
You sound like a very entitled, immature person that would have made a terrible parent. Believe it or not, the child’s welfare was the most important consideration in your decision. “Some random couple” was almost definitely better equipped to handle raising and caring for a human being than you were. And you grossly underestimate how much it costs to have a child. Wait, this is a fake post, isn’t it?
That's a very rude way of saying that OP made the right choice but okay.
I suppose it was harsh and judgmental, but I am so tired of people not taking bringing an actual human being into the world, seriously.
So you're saying you don't like immature kids that were poorly parented? Understandable, I hate bad parents too.
No, I wouldn't support you. You made the choice to have sex and get pregnant. Your parents have already raised their children and don't want to raise yours. It's up to you now. You want to have a baby, become a mother and raise your child. It's not up to anyone else other than you and the baby daddy.
Shouldn't the parents have done a better job of making sure their child avoided this situation?
But this child is grown. An adult. An adult making shitty decisions. So no.
So you're saying that if you raised a shitty child, you would allow that child to remain shitty even throughout their 30's, 40's etc.?
In their 30s and 40s, there is literally nothing you can do. You are obviously not a parent.
Literally nothing you can do? You can't call, text, or visit your child when they are 30 or 40?
So, get a job and then talk to us about responsibility.
I'm not sure I'm following here, are you talking to me or the OP?
What? Nah they need to grow tf up and face the consequences of their decisions. Aint no handholding for life in this bitch. The fuck you think this is?
Yo thanks for keeping it real 🤙🏾🫡🤣
I mean….shit happens. Even on birth control. Understanding your choices and the emotional, physical and psychological ramifications of those choices are what the parents are responsible for teaching. But no one wants their folks in bed with them while they’re getting it on, do they? What, exactly, do you think her folks should do to ensure their daughter does not become accidentally pregnant?
Somehow some way they should make sure the child learned the lesson you said in your 3rd sentence: "Understanding your choices and the emotional, physical and psychological ramifications of those choices are what the parents are responsible for teaching."
I mean, you don't even have a job. So is that your parents' fault?
Was this directed at me or the OP? It wouldn't be MY parents' fault because they raised me to know that in order to do things you need to have money and the most consistent way of getting that is having a job and to continue to grow and make a career.
At you. You are currently unemployed. OP got knocked up. So is it your parents' fault that you have no job? What did your parents do to ensure their kid does not become accidentally unemployed? Is it your parents' fault that you didn't dress for the gym inappropriately or is that yours? The same applies here.
How did you determine that I'm unemployed? As for your follow-up questions I already answered that in my other comment. I'm just saying, if I failed to teach my kids how to make good decisions and how to go about making those good decisions in a practical way, that WOULD be my fault.
That's the father's job. I see you make no mention of him. Why is he not supporting the baby?
I'd bet good money that he chickened out when he found out, or said he wanted nothing to do with her after she became pregnant.
Or she don't know who it is maybe.
Narrowed it down to three or four?
Why should they? Did they get pregnant? Did they decide to have a baby? Did you discuss this with them before getting pregnant? You cannot expect them to help you pay. They already raised you up, they cannot be expected to also financially support their grandchild. Maybe ask for help with babysitting, but they probably need their own money so they can retire, have their life now. But basically you want them to support their grandchild for another 18 years? I am sorry to hear this happened to you, and I understand that school is important, but you are making some bad decisions. You do sound very entitled. You owe your parents an apology. If the baby you gave up got pregnant and asked you for money….would you do it?
Last point was especially good.
I’m a mother to two kids about your age (21 and 18). In our family, it would be likely that if one of our children became pregnant before they were able to support the child alone, and wanted to keep the child, we would help them. Let me repeat that: we would *help* them. That means helping with childcare and some expenses while they worked part time and attended school part time and raised their own child. I can’t imagine either of them expecting me to fully financially support their child for years so they could continue on with their other plans for college etc., which seems to be what you expected. If my kids did expect that, I would honestly worry about their maturity and ability to raise that child at that point in their lives. Adoption seems like it may have been the best decision given your situation at the time.
This
Honestly, this is the best response. It is a privilege to have grandparents who can help in some manner it's another with a child. Even when it's just free daycare, it's an enormous gift to someone who can't afford daycare and simply hasn't had a chance to pee alone in a while. It is a privilege. Not a right. I think what you (OP) are focused on is the concept of fairness that you have built up in your head. That since it would have been a small percentage of their income, it would have been fairer for them to support you, so that you could have been in that child's life. Like if they bought you a pony when you were 12, it would have been unfair for them to expect you to pay for the upkeep of the pony at 12. OP, in some ways, you will always be their little girl. In matters of pregnancy however, it is crucially important that they force you to deal with the very adult consequences of your actions. You brought life into this world. You brought a life that you had no capability of supporting. Your parents CANNOT be responsible for it. In a perfect world the baby wouldn't have been conceived without you and the Father's prior consent. We don't live in that world. It's probably hard for you to be impressed that you dad didn't leave, that your mom didn't ignore you and actively punished you when your accomplishments outshined your siblings. It's probably hard to believe just how shitty parents out there can be. Harder still to accept that your parents are exemplary. OP, you have reached that point in life where the responsibilities of your actions have consequences that belong to you or not everything elseof nothing else
It's not a grandparent's job to support and raise a child. Sure they can help but you did the right thing by giving the baby to people that are more equipped to handle the child.
Nope.
Had an abortion.
Let’s see, your parents are probably already shelling out tons of money for your tuition, and you also want them to pay for your baby? You act as though they’re your ATM.
Depends on the situation. I’d most likely ask my daughter to move back in with me to make helping care for the child easier. Children deserve loving, responsible parents. You sound young so you have A LOT of time to finish school, get your professional life going, and have a baby. The person you choose to have kids with is a very important life decision, probably best to not rush that.
I know it sucks but basically, we all have to own our decisions and nobody has to come to save you including family. My wife and I have talked about this quite a bit and once our son gets a bit older, we are going to have a very serious talk with him about sex and dating. Basically, neither of us would object to him having a relationship including sex. However, we will teach him all about STD's, pregnancy, consent and so on. I will even buy him condoms if he is too bashful to do it himself. He will be told that if he impregnates a girl that it will be up to the two of them to decide what to do and we will not be raising a child during our retirement years or financially supporting him beyond the post-secondary investments that we are currently building for him. You got pregnant and you decided to keep the baby and now it is your job to clean up your mess; not your parents.
Just don’t wait too long, Dad. Kids are way ahead of where we were.
Oh for sure! He is 6 and he knows what consent means (in various contexts) and knows that a man and woman are required to make a baby. I think that I knew what sex was to a degree when I was about 9 so I am definitely going to tell him in the next year or 2. I'd much prefer that it all comes from my wife and I so he knows that when the time comes, he can talk to us.
Good. I learned in 6th grade from other 6th grade girls. Mom never talked to me. It was taboo and bad until I got married, then I was supposed to like it. It took too many years to shift gears. I wish my parents would have been like you. Not to tell you your job, but don’t forget to mention how great it is with the right person. I was so afraid that knowing that would encourage my daughter that I didn’t fully explain that. Fortunately, she turned out more well adjusted than me. It’s taken me 60 years to come to terms with it. Sorry if thats too much info. You sound like a great dad and husband.
Would have taken care of it at 6 weeks. Drop out of school, move home and work. You gave up a life for yourself. Oof, selfish.
You sound not only entitled but extremely immature.
nope,
The phrasing in this is so weird. You made a choice. And from the sounds of it your baby is probably better for it. I’m not saying that to be mean, but you have a lot of maturing to do. You could have done to school part time and had a job. You could have delayed school for a few years. You chose what was most important to you. I’m not saying it was the wrong choice, but it was your choice. I would babysit and help where I could if it were my daughter, but she would be working or making other changes so she could be the actual parent.
If you're old enough to have a child, you're old enough to provide for it. Don't expect your parents or family to drop everything to give it a better life while you do whatever the hell you want. Get a job, part-time, full-time, retail or otherwise, to pay for expenses for you and/or your child(ren). I come from a similar background also, but I've never asked nor expected my parents to pay for anything. 18 is practically a child. Legally, you're an adult, but it's like a 3 children in a trenchcoat situation where you *are* an adult, but there are limitations. Why is "get a job" in quotes like that? If you can't be responsible enough to avoid unwanted pregnancies when you're unable/unwilling to provide for a child, stop engaging in intercourse and focus on school, yourself, and starting a career. So many people, teens, especially, who want or give birth to kids, realize it's not all sunshine and rainbows and no longer want it, the novelty wore off. At 18, you're still very immature and you should wait till at least 24-25ish when you're brain is fully developed.
Depends on the particular circumstances, how much college they have left, and what their plan would be considering the situation. In all likelihood, I’d be willing to raise my daughters baby while she finishes her degree, on the condition that she reimburses me for all the supplies I have to buy to take care of my grandchild. This is all assuming I had kids of my own, which unfortunately I don’t.
Honey, you made very adult decisions and got very adult outcomes. If you choose to bring a human being into the world, then you need to step up and do what it takes to be responsible for that life you created (and same for the father). No, you shouldn't have to do it alone, but that doesn't mean being entitled to just having your parents shoulder the entire financial burden for YOUR child until you finish years worth of schooling. Helping you out now and then is different than just letting you live as if this massive choice has no natural consequences, such as the immense financial and time responsibility that is required to raise a child. How old would your baby be once you're ready to step back into their life and take over as parent? You don't just get to dump your child onto your parents until you're done with medical school, and then take over when the kid is what, a kindergartner or older, and expect the child to recognize or respect you as their parent when you have not been the one to care for or raise them for the earliest, most formative years of their life. What you wanted your parents to do for you is neither fair nor realistic.
Come on! When you sent her to college you didn’t consider that this could possibly happen if you didn’t your nieve in thinking it because that’s one of the first things they learn. Accidents happen and it’s your daughter and granddaughter
Your baby went to a couple who wanted a baby and presumably the means and maturity to care for that child. No offense, but who cares if it was traumatic for you? It was the best outcome for your baby.
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I mean, I’m sure her husband would right?
No.
The short version, life is tough, and they raised you. They owe you nothing more. That being said, I would have supported my daughter and grandchild to be sure they had a better life, i couldn't imagine doing what yours did. But I don't judge others for their definition of love and loyalty. How we see those is a personal thing
True. But we are only really seeing her side. They might know her better or maybe just looking out for her. Seeing the forest Instead of a tree. she doesn’t say how long she expects this. And you have to wonder if she’s blaming her parents, she hasn’t really learned the lesson. So she might be doomed to repeat it if they let her off this time. Just my opinion.
Would I support the baby? Of course. This is about family. This shouldn't even be a question.
I know if either one of my daughters had a kid before finishing school, I would help but wouldn't take responsibility for the baby other than a grandpa's job. I have already raised 3 kids, and I don't want another one in the last few decades of my life. I would do what I could, but the responsibility is hers and the dad's. I'm not trying to be rude, but if you don't want the responsibility, then you know what you have to do to not have a kid. Rather if it's birth control or focusing on your future instead of screwing around. Having a kid is a major responsibility. You no longer live for yourself, they come first. Work now so you can play later, do what you have to to get your future rolling, and then you can focus on kids, a house, a spouse, and everything that comes with it.
By chance was baby interracial and or the grand parents didn’t approve of the sperm donor. But yeah what’s the deal with him? Does he know?
Your parents are 100% right to force you to take responsibility for the child and not letting you shove the burden to them, no matter how small you think that burden is. Raising a child is never just about the money. Your kid would have grown up fatherless, and his mother basically too busy for him/her. Yes, you say they'd just need to shell out some money your way, but everyone knows it dosent just stops there. Your parents are also going to be on the book for caring for the child whenever you're unable to care for him, and as a single mom still in university, that's pretty much most of if not all the time. And the first couple years of working you'll be even busier, because if you let your motherly duties affect your job, you'll lose out in the employment market to competition. I'm also going to assume that the father will be absent in the kid's life, and probably not paying child support. So for your particular situation at that point in time, giving up your kid for adoption or foster care is the best option possible for your child. And you did it when the baby was born, before you could develop your bonds with him any further. It'd be a lot worse if you had your way and then changed your mind later. The trauma would be a hell lot worse, potentially scarring the child permanently. What would I have done? As the father, I would have married you, and probably have a discussion with you as to which of us needed to get a job while the other finishes their degree, and then the other go back to finish up. As the mom dealing with a bf who ran away? Well, that's a pretty tough decision to make, and I'd probably have to choose between either dropping out to get a job to raise the kid (can always finish the degree later), or giving up the kid for adoption. Either way this goes, painful sacrifices have to be made. As your parents? I'd do the same thing yours did. Tell you that you need to make sacrifices here, and money from me would not have solved any of your problems, and that it would be better for everyone in the long run to have the child be given up for adoption. You described your experience as heartbreaking and traumatic? Well, all the other options have that basically, as with the nature with sacrifices. Someone has to give up their education and force themselves to work a menial job that they wouldnt have worked under any circumstances. Someone has to give up their dream. Someone has to contend with the risk that their spouse is gonna ditch them, the marriage and the child because they "hadnt have the chance to experience life in its fullest yet". If its me in your shoes, I'd swallow the pain and focus on my career. Maybe I'll get the chance to reconnect with the kid at a later date. As opposed to basically tanking my career before it even started, forcing my kid to grow up in a less than ideal environment, forcing myself to live with the resentment of being abandoned by my partner to live with and raise the kid I never asked for and so on so forth. And every god damn time I wake up in the middle of the night to the child's crying or screaming (almost daily occurrence in the first year of life, and after that whenever the child is sick or down with fever), I'll have to contend with the fact that my next 24 hours is going to be extreme hell due to the lack of sleep, and that the last 7 days was basically the exact same thing as now. Maybe due to your upbringing, you're sheltered from all of this, the facts and reality of raising kids. So maybe you arent aware of the astronomical amount of work that goes into it.
eat it idk man
Is this real? Who speaks this casually about major life events?
Just support the head really. Their tiny necks take time to develop.
Yes, I would do it. A child needs a stable home and security.
I would vallue your education, to have a stable future for this grandbaby, so I would help you where ever you needed help, but I'd expect you to take a job in return and show responsibility for your actions. You thought it was ok to have sex and take a risk of becoming pregnant, you take the consequenses. Assuming it was of free will ofcourse.
Sucks to be you. Sucks even more to be your kid.
"Gave child away to a rando couple." Did you just meet them in the street or something?
I would say no to keep everyday for the rest of her life from being hard, and forcing her to make a plan for the child if she wanted it. If her day one plan is leave it at mom's, she isn't ready. She took the adoption route and the baby will bond with a family better and have a pick of loving eager families as opposed to being an inconvenience. Every situation is unique though, having a child taken from your arms is something you never get over, even when it's the right thing, so I would hopen she would consider all her options. It's a hypothetical daughter so she's easy to be firm with. The op would be cut off anyway so she could learn about money. Being a good parent is raising children who can survive on their own at some point, and her reluctance to ever work is sad.
I was in the exact situation as you. I decided to drop out of school, move in with my boyfriend and work full time. I went back to school when my oldest was 8. I think since I’ve been there I wouldn’t tell my kid anything, except that we love them and am there for them.
Well of course I’d support my daughter, whenever she needs help. I mean, that is what parents are for , helping their kids no matter the circumstances might be . And maybe get in touch with the baby father and politely remind him of his duties
Good luck with that. Your words are empty, because the daughter would have bailed the moment the baby was born. And the father would have been a ghost. Enjoy raising a child with major emotional issues because of having been abandoned by both parents.
Bro , idk about you but why should she bail? Yes the father is a douchebag and accountable for the child , no question. Maybe it’s the way I for raised to think differently but if you raise you daughter in a good way and support her in her tough times , she most likely won’t bail .
Go back to the original post. She expressed concern only for herself and her feelings, and for the injustice her parents committed by giving her a very reasonable choice. She CHOSE going to college over getting a job. She CHOSE her own needs and desires over keeping her baby. Also, bro, I’m a 66 year old woman with 3 happy, healthy, successful children and a crazy fascinating granddaughter. Bro.
Nice for you 👌 and yes she decided for herself and yet we don’t know the full story behind all .
Good point!
All I said is : I support my daughter if she was in that situation when the worst decision making parts are over, having a family talk about everything.
I guess I feel like the family dynamics of the OP were pretty poor to begin with, and that she was looking for support without consideration to the needs of the child, or her parents, for that matter. Having said that, I would walk over hot coals for my sweet, super fun and funny, successful daughter. And a family conference would probably be productive with my own family as well.
But you wouldn’t had told your daughter to get a job, right?
Are you opposed to getting a job, even a part-time one during school?
Yes
Can I ask why and can I ask you to be specific?
I’m a full time student and plan on going to med school. I don’t wanna be 30 by the time I start my residency
That’s fine, don’t have sex and expect other people to take care of your child. Please don’t go to med school, your decision making is absolutely terrible.
Most successful matriculants have had a lot of work experience and the trend is growing towards many people taking 3-5+ year gaps for work experience before applying to medical school. How will you get into med school without any prior work experience?
Volunteer work
What kind of volunteer work?
Then if school is so important to you then why not have aborted?
Stop having sex, wear a condom, take a morning after pill. Like JFC. You’re absolutely entitled.
If you really care about your own kid, let her come and why should a pregnant girl or young mother work, we have laws to protect parents and I wouldn’t force her to work in this situation. She needs a place to calm down and be able to finish school , after everything surrounding the baby is clear.
Exactly. My parents wanted me to get a job and I couldn’t because I’m a full time student. That’s why I gave the baby up
So, let me recap: you get pregnant, want to keep the baby, go to med school (which can take 5-10 years), not work, and have your parents fund all of this? Who’s going to watch the baby? Do they have to do that too? They did the right thing saying no. That baby is NOT their responsibility. You fucked around and found out. Literally.
Sorry to say : you have lousy parents. Sure teenage pregnancy isn’t optional mid idk college or highschool, but as I said, you gotta support your kid and not work against it by forcing it to work.
I would have helped my kid out. If you have the means, why not?
Because this individual, the mom, would have bailed at the first opportunity, leaving her parents to raise the child. Seen it happen. And raising a child is exhausting and expensive, plus in this case the child would have had serious emotional issues, having been abandoned by both parents. I really loathe people that don’t consider bringing a human being into the world, seriously.
Still my blood. I’d take care of the child.
Poorly, I’m guessing. “Blood” is just a concept, but the emotional issues a child would have had, being abandoned by both parents, is a reality. He or she was almost definitely better off being raised by people who were desperate to be parents than an old person who was responsible for raising the mama who abandoned him or her.
You act like you cant give them therapy. Also, is the current situation any better? If you have the means you can provide for them. Again, this is if it was my kid. Idk what kinda shitty parents you’re automatically assuming of.
Your baby dodged a bullet. They are better off with another family. All of you suck.
Yes
Yes without question if she asked. I would have terms, but she would know that going in. Some people don't love like that. I have been semi lucky to have been around a few that do and decided at a young age that helping those you love is its own reward.
Those are just words without a basis in reality.
Not at all. And it's kind of sad that you think so. I've been able to do for folks a time or two, and it has been a pleasure to be able to send someone up a little better than you found them. My boys have grown to be good, responsible men, but when they came up short, it wasn't a hard decision. As I said, I would have terms. But my kids would know that going in. But the answer would always be yes.
It’s actually kind of sad that you think you could raise a happy, healthy child, given that you raised the mama that abandoned him or her. Because that birth mother would have bailed the minute the baby was born. It’s also more than sad that so many people don’t take bring an actual human being into the world seriously. Also, and I am actually kind of laughing in a very sad, disappointed with people sort of way, what would your recourse be if your daughter didn’t comply with your “terms”?
It's sad that you can imagine all these things. I would hate to have to live like that. /
Imagination has nothing to do with it. Go back to the original post. The OP is not concerned about the interests or needs of the child, only her own. She is too immature and self centered to adequately raise an human being. Also, in the future, avoid ad hominem arguments. They’re a cheap way to engage in a legitimate discussion.
If I had a daughter she wouldnt even need to ask...I'd be there...but I come from a long line of poor folk, and learned early on that all we have is eachother.
Aw the baby didnt make him stay huh
No. Marry, before you carry it's a rule.