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More living, less ego. Enjoy the moments you have and don't cry over the ones you don't, in life in general. My happiness is not dependant on anyone else. Expand that, and your life gets better instantly.
I've seen a lot of long term couples break up around the 8 to 10 year mark. The guys proposes to the next girl a year or two in that relationship. Seen it multiple times. Very interesting.
Lmao, that's not true. Different people, different circumstances, different reasons.
If a couple got together in their 20s and broke up after 10 years, it makes sense that their next relationship move faster. They were practically kids when they first got together, growing up and figuring out adulthood together. By their 30s, most people are ready to start a family and might jump into marriage quicker for that reason
What a stupid question.
You think I married my wife for love? No. It was for the 3 goats and 2 horses her father gifted us.
Benefits are the ONLY reason to get married.
/s
If you love each other and thereās basically no con then yeah?
Why is this even a question?
Also if you are not married and your partner dies. In some places your partners stuff automatically goes to their family/parents instead of you unless you have a will.
I live by this philosophy. There is no longer a reason to be contractually bound to a partner (signing that marriage register) Some of the happiest couples I know are not married but built a life together with kids
There definitely are reasons to get legally married. Probably the most important one being that if your partner gets seriously sick/injured you have the right to make medical decisions for them.
You'd be surprised by the amount of people who wouldn't communicate that they have changed their mind and by the amount of people who inconveniently "forget" that their partner does/doesn't want to get married.
Thatās not the point here. OPās question was literally about men proposing to women, so my question makes total sense in this context. You should ask this question to OP, not to me š
>contract that gives you half their stuff?
That's not how it works dude.
In probably every civilized country whatever you own before marriage is still only yours after getting married. Only the stuff you buy later belongs to the two of you, as you both paid for it having joint finances.
Money stopped me . I thought she deserved a proper wedding. Turned out she didn't care about all the faff , married in the registers office, and partied in the local pub with family and friends. Total cost Ā£500 and we've been happily married now for 20 years.
I was thinking about that the other bc Im going to a wedding at the end of the month. All the weddings i have been to were paid by the couple's parents. Neither my parents or my partner parents can afford that. Here the tradition is that the parents pay for the wedding, the godmother pays from the bride dress and the Godfather pays for the groom suit. We dont want to get legally married, but even if we did, we couldn't.
That's why we're not getting married. Where we live theres not really a lot of tax benefits to be married without kids, but if one of us lose our job, or becomes disabled, the spouse will be expected to to support them, if we are not married the one loosing their job will get benefits.
Of course We're not planing on loosing our jobs, but in this ecconomy you never know and it's impossible to support a household on one paycheck.
That's our situation right now. I had a great job and i was the one with the bigger paycheck. Got sick, lost my job. if we were married i would't get much in disability benefits.
What about legal protection for you? If one of you end up in the hospital, the other would be denied visitation rights. Inheritance, taxes, and possible separation are also matters to consider. It's not just a piece of paper.
But whatās that got to do with marriage? The only time marriage is relevant to anything is when youāre splitting up. Every other time, itās exactly the same as not being married.
If youāve been with someone for a long time and you havenāt gotten married, it might be difficult to make medical decisions on their behalf or it might be an issue when it comes to their will ( e.g Lauren London and Nipsey Hussle)
Not if you're from two different countries living in a third. Marriage is extremely important in such a circumstance. Particularly where residency and healthcare rights are concerned.
You can do this without marriage. Other countries outside of the States afford the same rights for de facto relationships as married couples. My partner and I have two kids, have been together 6 years, own a home, Iām a SAHM. If we were to split it would be the same as if a marriage broke down. Weāre thinking of a ring now but previously, a ring and certainly a wedding hasnāt been a financial prioritiy for us.
I've known a lot of guys like this and it's largely that they either have really weird hangups about marriage (they feel too poor, too broken, too undeserving) or they have absolutely no intention to marry you whatsoever if they can avoid it.
While everyone should take their time deciding to propose and preparing to get married, it's not a super complicated decision and it doesn't take people that long to figure out so long as you're both transparent and consistent about your goals, priorities, desires, must-haves, negotiables, deal breakers, beliefs, and values.
Things to ask yourself: Are you hoping for a proposal because it's been a long time and you think that's the natural progression of things, because of social pressure/jealousy, fear of starting over with someone else, or because you genuinely think this is the one person to make you happy and you want to build a great life together and grow as people? Are you hoping that this fixes some gap in your life or relationship? Are you counting on marriage to change your partner/relationship?
As for me, personally, I was and am too in love with her to imagine delaying being married to her. Knew from our first date that she was the woman I was waiting for while rejecting others for not being quite the right stuff. We got engaged within a year, and after 8 years together and married for over 5, I can't imagine being this far into the timeline of our relationship and still just being boyfriend and girlfriend. Unless you started dating when you were teenagers, it seems pretty damn silly to wait this long without having any idea if you'll get married.
Yeah, I get that makes sense for you, and some of your points are good, but I waited 8 years to ask my (now) wife, we then had a two year engagement, and we've been happily married for 18 years so far, and have three daughters.
People's stories vary.
Maybe I just haven't found that woman for me so far but I honestly just don't see the point of marriage as a concept.
Sure there are financial reasons but why should I get something I don't see the need for?
I like to live as minimalistic as possible and ask me that question for many things I thought of getting for myself: what does it change if I get it? If there is no substantial upside I don't get it since it would cost money, time and energy.
I've actually talked to a pastor about this, who has held quite a few wedding ceremonies. His simple answer was: "Because it feels different". Many couples would return to him and tell him about how different it feels to be husband and wife, even if they had already been together for a long time.
I think it's about showing commitment. Having your partner formally commit to the relationship does feel pretty good. You can talk all you like about how you love your partner, but at the end of the day when you're not married you could just up and leave at any time without any consequences as long as you don't own a house or have kids together.
Why is it silly? To you, marriage seems to mean something. For me, marriage is simply an expensive ceremony that I wont enjoy and that will change nothing about the dynamics of my relationship. Husand/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, partner whatever are nothing more than labels. It doesn't determine how much you know or love your partner.
Seems silly if you both plan to get married at all. Marriage means quite a bit to me and I understand the viewpoints of people who don't value it as much, it means as much as you put into the concept. But if OP is somebody really waiting for a proposal and isn't getting one, 8 years is a long time to wait and they probably have different priorities than their partner and should talk about that.
Meh, there are more than two types of guy who don't get married after 8+ years. I've been with my partner since 2008, when we were both 17. We have a house together, and a 10 month old - she hasn't married me just as much as I haven't married her, and the simple reason is that we're not that bothered about it. This idea that it's up to the guy to marry the woman is weird to me.
We'll probably tie the knot eventually, but it's not particularly important to either of us right now
My wife proposed to me. It depends on the woman you're in a relationship with I guess. We don't really care for the restrictions of traditional gender norms, so it wasn't a surprise to me.
We definitely don't, although you have to wonder why more women don't propose if they feel so strongly too. I feel like it's a gender role they approve of since it benefits them and takes pressure off them to do it.
We married for like 1k in fees, 200 bouquet and hair and 200-300 dinner. š¤
We overdid it with the rings, but thatās optional. The dress she had long time, we used one of her live-action role play dresses.
Oh and we saved on taxes every year since then, so technically we even made money š
1. Because I don't want the State to be involved in private affairs.
2. Because marriage is a legal contract which incentives one party to break that contract.
3. Because we are both in our 40s, established, and have no need for any social validation of a wedding/marriage.
Because, by and large, marriage is a mugs game. You're effectively saying "I trust this person to not completely and utterly fuck me over" but my lived experience (and many, many people I know) is the moment the other person gets bored .. they'll fuck you over.
What's the point in it? Why bother? If someone needs a ceremony, a piece of paper and what amounts to a giant party \*about them\* .. do they really love you? Or do they love the idea of being married and being the centre of attention?
Then you can add the damage social media has done on top (e.g: marry within 6months / 2years, feeding delulu into peoples brains) and it's a recipe for disaster.
The redflags i have overlooked in the beginning ...after 10 years she broke up directly with another one...so my thoughts saved me from marrying a wrong wife
I talked to her and neither of us sees any merit in getting married. It makes absolutely zero sense to spend that much money for negligible tax benefits.
Twist on that question.
To the women: Are you good with things as they are? If so, happily carry on. Marriage is not a must
If you're waiting for a marriage proposal that doesn't appear to be forthcoming, what's holding you back from going your own way?
Fromage lol
Makes sense. Are you legally safe? I heard horror stories about unmarried couples where 1 partner had an accident or something and the other can't make medical decisions, or 1 dies and suddenly family members appear who inherit half the house and stuff like that.
Every part can be set up without being married, but many dont pay attention especially while young.
Oh crap, well my autocorrect is as French as me.
You are right, marriage, at least in France, is the highest form of protection possible for the bride and groom.
We have something else, PACS (a civil agreement) + will, and they are a good intermediary. Yet I agree, we are in very good terms with our families so we think it's fine this way. But if we weren't, it would have been marriage.
Nonetheless, we may change our mind in the future, who knows.
I've been in a relationship for 10 years, and my bf hasnāt proposed yet. Iāve seen TikToks saying that if he hasnāt proposed by now, heās not committed. That feels off to me because in a long-term relationship, these things should be talked about. In our case, we do want to get married at some point, but we have other priorities right now.
We want to move to another country, focus on trying to get pregnant, buy a new apartment, my boyfriend just started his own company... Planning a wedding would take a lot of time and effort, and people will answer to that "you can have a small wedding", well guess what? We also talked about the kind of wedding we want and it would require a lot of energy and money that weād rather invest elsewhere atm.
If, for some reason, weāre not together anymore and one of us marries someone else quickly, it doesnāt mean there wasnāt commitment or love in our relationship. It just means that different circumstances and different people can lead to different decisions.
Being married doesn't equal being committed. We love each other and want to build a family together. Personally, I don't need a wedding to legitimize that, but I have friends who feel differently.
If getting married is a non-negotiable for you, and your boyfriend isnāt on the same page, then you need to have a serious conversation about his reasons and see if your goals are really compatible. And yes, sometimes he might not see a future with youāit happened to a friend of mine, and it was absolutely crushing. But honestly, the signs were there from the start; he never talked about the future or building a life together...
Don't believe TikTok. Just his commitment by his actions. It was ten years before my wife and I got married, but I was always committed and faithful (we were exclusive, you guys do whatever...lol)
I live away from her for 12 months and was STILL faithful. Marriage didn't change any of that.
Thereās no denying the fact that marriage is a risk that many men are unwilling to take since divorce is very real, having everything theyāve worked decades for, half taken away for what? Because they wanted to play golf with their buddies instead of mowing the grass?? Or not being āemotionally availableā? No, not worth it.
I was close. I was about 7.5 years before I popped the question. I was nervous and broke. I also had been hurt in previous relationships, so I was dealing with old traumas, too.
We split up at the end of last year. Even after that long before proposing, I STILL got it wrong. I was convinced it was the right move.
Life moves in mysterious ways. Sometimes, you can be convinced she's the one, and she proves otherwise.
If a married man cheats, heās evil. If a married woman cheats, her husband didnāt make her happy enough. Either way, the man gives 50% of everything he owns to his now ex wife.
Iām mystified why any man would ever get married. Itās a terrible deal for him.
While undoubtedly some women are opportunistic and intentionally divorce as a means to enrich themselves, I think that often that isn't the case. Divorce can be very destructive to women too.
I think women's tendency to divorce and/or become unpleasant in marriage might just be a part of women's sexuality. Many / most women might not be not capable of maintaining attraction to one person over a long period of time.
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In fact, we "married" just with a signature at the registry office after years due to get it much easier with the german bureaucracy and security measures, especially when it comes to having a child. Also, tax and social security reasons.
Dunno, been single for exactly this oddly specific 8 or so years. I'll get back to you at minimum of 8 or so years with an answer if I'm not married by then.
I'm chronically ill with long covid and i have no idea if i will get better.
I want to give her the life she deserves but i have no idea if i will be able to
I went from climbing mountains to being unable to walk 5 feet
Theres no treatments, cures or medications ...
I love her, she deserves the world .. and it breaks my heart i may one day have to walk away because this illness has robbed us of a future
My life may be over, but i refuse to let hers be also. Even if we have to part ways
Hopefully i get better and hopefully i can go back to normality
But if it doesnt change, i will walk away ... i will make the decision so she doesnt have to
I proposed after 10 years a few months ago. There's a housing crisis in the country I live in so people tend to settle down much later due to lack of access to housing. We bought a house 2 years ago after years of saving and in hindsight I wish I had proposed as soon as we moved in so we could enjoy it a bit more as she is now unexpectedly pregnant š
For me, I didn't want to get married, got engaged, but she needed to step up to be my wife, and never put in the effort and commitment so binned it all off
I knew a guy who was always the 'I'm never getting married' type. About 12 years into their relationship, he popped the question out of the blue... turned out he was having an affair at work.
Weāve been together over ten years, have two kids (3 and 8) and a mortgage.
Thereās always been better things to spend our money on.
Maybe one day.
A lot of them settle for placeholders. She doesn't realise this of course. This was pretty eye opening. All woman should read it. https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/dating/men-have-revealed-how-much-they-hate-their-girlfriends-in-a-disturbing-twitter-thread/news-story/c2f735e316e39554031369b77a1dbaff%3famp
Waiting for the right moment financially. Want to be in the best position regarding housing first as weddings are expensive, especially with a large extended family. Half of the time we were together was at University so it wasn't gonna happen then. Then we were saving for a house, then covid happened and now we want to move. So yeah.
Nothing is holding me or my girlfriend back. We decided not to get married as itās an old tradition. In our country more couples donāt marry than they do. Weāve been together for nearly 15 years now.
Why do they need to propose???
If after 8 years you want to be married but neither of you has discussed this and you arenāt on the same page there is a big disconnect.
Marriage just seems stupid and self-indulgent to me. It serves no purpose in a post-feudal society where women are not mere commodities and baby machines.
Buying a house together is more of a commitment statement than marriage. We love each other regardless of being married and chose to buy a house instead.
Oh god, 8 years together and not proposed yet? Only reason I would wait that long is that I am not actually waiting, and that I have no intentions of tying the knot, and I'm already getting everything I want or expect from that relationship that a marriage wouldnt change. Sex? Check. Companionship? Check. Housemate? Check. Satisfaction with current state of financial situation? Check. No interest in kids? Check check check.
So what would marriage do for me in this situation? Extra expenses to make something everybody already knows "official"? Finally we get to go on a "Honeymoon" (that we already go on every year anyways)? Turning her into a potential liability for me where I'd have to pay alimony and go through a very traumatic and painful separation process should either of us one day decide to divorce?
Let me put it this way. If Girlfriend 10.0 already has the same or more features than Wife 1.0, why would I upgrade to Wife 1.0? Just dosent make sense to pay for the upgrade when the previous version is already working fine? Especially since the new version now has added conditions that makes me 50% poorer if I have compatibility issues with it?
What is it, that the men should propose? If you want to marry, ask him yourself. We want equal rights after all.
Me and my BF donāt marry, because a marriage has serious legal consequences, and I think people marry to easily. Also in Switzerland you pay more taxes if youāre married and donāt have kids..
I've been married twice, I am not doing that again. Marriage makes me feel trapped, I know it's not for me now. I'm very happy with my man and feel free with him and not contractually obliged to stay with him.
At 8 years? It was money.
At the 10 years and half mark, i pulled the trigger.
We are getting married next year, on the day we celebrate 12 years āŗļø
The real answer is that most of them are hoping for someone better to come along. It's a tale as old as time, they date for 10+ years, then break up and get married within a year.
Oof thatās really sadā¦ l feel like you shouldnāt stay in a relationship with someone who doesnāt want to marry you if you donāt want to get married. Itās sad to break up of course but donāt waste your years
I married my wife after ten years, we were engaged for 3 years. Discussed married from early on just didn't get around to it for ages.
I have male friends who have been dating their girlfriends since I started dating my wife. The reasons I got off them were a few
Most popular reason was no interest in marriage, it's old school followed by fear and also common is losing half their stuff if divorce happens.
I think it shows their not fully committed and so does my wife. Good enough to sleep with but easy exit if feelings change.
Did you ever talk about marriage during your 7 years together? I mean, you don't just wake up one morning and suddenly decide you don't want to marry her. If it was never discussed, maybe you never really thought about a future together.
I think a big part of being in a committed relationship is imaging and making plans for the future
Got together young, both of us have been changing as people while trying to figure out ourselves and each other as we grew older.
Along with the highs there were also lows that needed to be sorted out.
Money.
Legally binding myself and my things to another person is...nerve-wracking.
Been with my partner around ten years, weāve discussed it and basically neither of us really care about going through the paperwork for negligible benefit. As far as we are concerned we basically are, people often use married terms in regards to us and we donāt really correct them. We are both childfree so thereās no issues when it comes to child custody or anything like that.
There are some other financial reasons that float around the periphery that make it a bad idea for us, but basically we just donāt see any real reason to. Joint bank accounts donāt exist in my country, so the only real benefits are when it comes to inheritance (and I have an updated will) and medical proxies.
As long as you and your partner are on the same page of course. If she badly wanted to be married we would discuss that, but we are both apathetic to it.
I porposed last year and we re gonna marry this year. We'll be together for 12 years then.
For me the main reasons were that we got together relatively young (18) and I wanted to have a stable income and life situation before marrying.
Your post has been removed from /r/ask No questions about politics, religion or divisive issues. You should not be be asking for stories or polling the audience. No open ended questions known as "asking Reddit". This sub is not a place to complain about things that bother you by phrasing a rant in the form of a question. For example, "why are mosquitoes the worst thing ever?" is not a legitimate question. It is just a complaint phrased as a question. If you feel this was done in error, or would like better clarification or need further assistance, please [message the moderators.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/ask&subject=Question%20regarding%20the%20removal%20of%20this%20{submission}%20by%20/u/{peachyyynina}&message=I%20have%20a%20question%20regarding%20the%20removal%20of%20[this%20{submission}]({https://old.reddit.com/r/ask/comments/1du8tfz/-/}))
Her husband
Take your upvotes lol
r/angryupvote
Found the husband
How do you handle not being the primary partner in a poly relationship?
His wife
I meant emotionally seeesh
More living, less ego. Enjoy the moments you have and don't cry over the ones you don't, in life in general. My happiness is not dependant on anyone else. Expand that, and your life gets better instantly.
I've seen a lot of long term couples break up around the 8 to 10 year mark. The guys proposes to the next girl a year or two in that relationship. Seen it multiple times. Very interesting.
Guess the first girl was just a placeholder unfortunately
Lmao, that's not true. Different people, different circumstances, different reasons. If a couple got together in their 20s and broke up after 10 years, it makes sense that their next relationship move faster. They were practically kids when they first got together, growing up and figuring out adulthood together. By their 30s, most people are ready to start a family and might jump into marriage quicker for that reason
You'll never catch me with a man that long without a ring for this exact reason
Cash me outside how bout dat
Lmao gottem.
Many people do not believe in marriage.
I don't. Did it anyway, and came to regret it. People pleaser problems
Single people do not get tax breaks or any other benefits
Should benefits be the reason to get married?
What a stupid question. You think I married my wife for love? No. It was for the 3 goats and 2 horses her father gifted us. Benefits are the ONLY reason to get married. /s
You are so romantic.š
Receiving mutual love is kind of a benefit
If you love each other and thereās basically no con then yeah? Why is this even a question? Also if you are not married and your partner dies. In some places your partners stuff automatically goes to their family/parents instead of you unless you have a will.
Yes, for me. I have to tolerate the person like I do with friendships so why not get the benefits too
Why not? What is the reason to get married then? You can love each other without marriage
They're also not at risk of financial abuse from a partner. Tax breaks don't mean anything if you come home to your accounts emptied.
In my country if you pay your taxes as couple with good sallaries you pay more taxes.
Depends on your country. Many places, defacto/civil partnerships, have the same tax benefits
If you're married, you get paid less universal credit per person than if you're single - Ā£617.60 as a couple vs Ā£393.45 as a single person over 25
Lots of people don't care about a legal price of paper.
Ā£3.50 take it or leave it.
have been married once, would never do it again
I live by this philosophy. There is no longer a reason to be contractually bound to a partner (signing that marriage register) Some of the happiest couples I know are not married but built a life together with kids
You are still bound together if you live together or own anything together.
There definitely are reasons to get legally married. Probably the most important one being that if your partner gets seriously sick/injured you have the right to make medical decisions for them.
But does she know that or sheās waiting for you to propose? š«¤
I know this will sound insane, but the happy couples actually communicate.
thats obviously something you should Tell somewhere after 6 month to a year into the relationship
Glad you did but youād be surprised but the amount of couples who donāt.
You'd be surprised by the amount of people who wouldn't communicate that they have changed their mind and by the amount of people who inconveniently "forget" that their partner does/doesn't want to get married.
best way to Sabotage your relationship in advance
No, that's first date info.Ā
maybe where you are from, but to me it would be weird if my opposite brings that up at the beginning
Why should this be the manās dutty if they themselfs not care or dont want the marriage label? If it was important for her she should bring it up
Thatās not the point here. OPās question was literally about men proposing to women, so my question makes total sense in this context. You should ask this question to OP, not to me š
You didnt reply to OP you replied to user Rattnick who stated he would never marry again.
Surely thatās on her to ask/find out? Why would you assume someone will one day voluntarily sign a contract that gives you half their stuff?
>contract that gives you half their stuff? That's not how it works dude. In probably every civilized country whatever you own before marriage is still only yours after getting married. Only the stuff you buy later belongs to the two of you, as you both paid for it having joint finances.
Money Should be the popular answer in here
Money stopped me . I thought she deserved a proper wedding. Turned out she didn't care about all the faff , married in the registers office, and partied in the local pub with family and friends. Total cost Ā£500 and we've been happily married now for 20 years.
My wife and I did the same thing, couldn't be happier.
Same in my case š
I was thinking about that the other bc Im going to a wedding at the end of the month. All the weddings i have been to were paid by the couple's parents. Neither my parents or my partner parents can afford that. Here the tradition is that the parents pay for the wedding, the godmother pays from the bride dress and the Godfather pays for the groom suit. We dont want to get legally married, but even if we did, we couldn't.
Getting married without having a wedding per se is an option
True but we don't see the point for us. We are childfree free. If we had children i would prefer to be married for legal protection for them.
financial/tax reasons
That's why we're not getting married. Where we live theres not really a lot of tax benefits to be married without kids, but if one of us lose our job, or becomes disabled, the spouse will be expected to to support them, if we are not married the one loosing their job will get benefits. Of course We're not planing on loosing our jobs, but in this ecconomy you never know and it's impossible to support a household on one paycheck.
That's our situation right now. I had a great job and i was the one with the bigger paycheck. Got sick, lost my job. if we were married i would't get much in disability benefits.
What about legal protection for you? If one of you end up in the hospital, the other would be denied visitation rights. Inheritance, taxes, and possible separation are also matters to consider. It's not just a piece of paper.
Where do you live? The 19th century?
Getting married is as close to free as you're going to get. It's choosing to have a wedding that works out expensive.
And choosing to have divorces.
Why should marriage be a goal?
I think long-term commitment in some form should be the goal of every serious relationship.
But whatās that got to do with marriage? The only time marriage is relevant to anything is when youāre splitting up. Every other time, itās exactly the same as not being married.
Marriage is a commitment ceremony first and foremost.
There are plenty of legal benefits as well.
If youāve been with someone for a long time and you havenāt gotten married, it might be difficult to make medical decisions on their behalf or it might be an issue when it comes to their will ( e.g Lauren London and Nipsey Hussle)
This is a very valid point
Not if you're from two different countries living in a third. Marriage is extremely important in such a circumstance. Particularly where residency and healthcare rights are concerned.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
You're delusional if you think a paper trail will make love stick.
You can show commitment without marriage. And marriage is crazy expensive these days.
That is why I stated long-term commitment in some form. And weddings are only expensive if you're doing them for the wrong reasons.
[Yeah, about that...](https://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/s/DRXOYe1nLe)
That's health care which is another issue entirely for you guys, sadly.
I would certainly think less of my partner and the relationship if they thought it was worthless without the financial contract.
That contract confers more than just financial benefits. I wouldn't enter a long-term relationship with something who doesn't get that.
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You can do this without marriage. Other countries outside of the States afford the same rights for de facto relationships as married couples. My partner and I have two kids, have been together 6 years, own a home, Iām a SAHM. If we were to split it would be the same as if a marriage broke down. Weāre thinking of a ring now but previously, a ring and certainly a wedding hasnāt been a financial prioritiy for us.
This seems oddly specific Have you considered offering him to sign a prenup?
I aināt got 8 years to waste on anyone bro. Itās 2-3 or move on if thereās an issue
100% agree!!!!
If we don't seriously discuss it within a year, I'm out
I've known a lot of guys like this and it's largely that they either have really weird hangups about marriage (they feel too poor, too broken, too undeserving) or they have absolutely no intention to marry you whatsoever if they can avoid it. While everyone should take their time deciding to propose and preparing to get married, it's not a super complicated decision and it doesn't take people that long to figure out so long as you're both transparent and consistent about your goals, priorities, desires, must-haves, negotiables, deal breakers, beliefs, and values. Things to ask yourself: Are you hoping for a proposal because it's been a long time and you think that's the natural progression of things, because of social pressure/jealousy, fear of starting over with someone else, or because you genuinely think this is the one person to make you happy and you want to build a great life together and grow as people? Are you hoping that this fixes some gap in your life or relationship? Are you counting on marriage to change your partner/relationship? As for me, personally, I was and am too in love with her to imagine delaying being married to her. Knew from our first date that she was the woman I was waiting for while rejecting others for not being quite the right stuff. We got engaged within a year, and after 8 years together and married for over 5, I can't imagine being this far into the timeline of our relationship and still just being boyfriend and girlfriend. Unless you started dating when you were teenagers, it seems pretty damn silly to wait this long without having any idea if you'll get married.
Yeah, I get that makes sense for you, and some of your points are good, but I waited 8 years to ask my (now) wife, we then had a two year engagement, and we've been happily married for 18 years so far, and have three daughters. People's stories vary.
Maybe I just haven't found that woman for me so far but I honestly just don't see the point of marriage as a concept. Sure there are financial reasons but why should I get something I don't see the need for? I like to live as minimalistic as possible and ask me that question for many things I thought of getting for myself: what does it change if I get it? If there is no substantial upside I don't get it since it would cost money, time and energy.
And that's totally fine as long as you're transparent about thatĀ
I've actually talked to a pastor about this, who has held quite a few wedding ceremonies. His simple answer was: "Because it feels different". Many couples would return to him and tell him about how different it feels to be husband and wife, even if they had already been together for a long time. I think it's about showing commitment. Having your partner formally commit to the relationship does feel pretty good. You can talk all you like about how you love your partner, but at the end of the day when you're not married you could just up and leave at any time without any consequences as long as you don't own a house or have kids together.
Why is it silly? To you, marriage seems to mean something. For me, marriage is simply an expensive ceremony that I wont enjoy and that will change nothing about the dynamics of my relationship. Husand/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, partner whatever are nothing more than labels. It doesn't determine how much you know or love your partner.
Seems silly if you both plan to get married at all. Marriage means quite a bit to me and I understand the viewpoints of people who don't value it as much, it means as much as you put into the concept. But if OP is somebody really waiting for a proposal and isn't getting one, 8 years is a long time to wait and they probably have different priorities than their partner and should talk about that.
100% agree with you
Meh, there are more than two types of guy who don't get married after 8+ years. I've been with my partner since 2008, when we were both 17. We have a house together, and a 10 month old - she hasn't married me just as much as I haven't married her, and the simple reason is that we're not that bothered about it. This idea that it's up to the guy to marry the woman is weird to me. We'll probably tie the knot eventually, but it's not particularly important to either of us right now
common sense...and that is something I don't think "holds me back" so good luck
Is this 'common sense' the fact that you can duck whenever it doesn't suit you anymore?
Heaven forbid a man wants to be able to cut ties if the woman becomes financially or emotionally abusive
Why havenĀ“t the girlfriends proposed yet?
Interesting. Do guys assume / expect this?
My wife proposed to me. It depends on the woman you're in a relationship with I guess. We don't really care for the restrictions of traditional gender norms, so it wasn't a surprise to me.
I don't know if some men do or not, but my brother and his fiancƩ has been dating since 2010, on Feb 29 of this year she proposed to him ( had custom ring made for him and got on one knee, all of the fanfare) and he immediately said yes. When I asked him why this took so long he simply stated that the paperwork wasn't as important as building their lives together, as they started dating when he was only 14 years old they had, finished school, went to college, settled in their jobs etc first.
We definitely don't, although you have to wonder why more women don't propose if they feel so strongly too. I feel like it's a gender role they approve of since it benefits them and takes pressure off them to do it.
20k for a mediocre wedding? GTFOH LOL
We married for like 1k in fees, 200 bouquet and hair and 200-300 dinner. š¤ We overdid it with the rings, but thatās optional. The dress she had long time, we used one of her live-action role play dresses. Oh and we saved on taxes every year since then, so technically we even made money š
1. Because I don't want the State to be involved in private affairs. 2. Because marriage is a legal contract which incentives one party to break that contract. 3. Because we are both in our 40s, established, and have no need for any social validation of a wedding/marriage.
Because, by and large, marriage is a mugs game. You're effectively saying "I trust this person to not completely and utterly fuck me over" but my lived experience (and many, many people I know) is the moment the other person gets bored .. they'll fuck you over. What's the point in it? Why bother? If someone needs a ceremony, a piece of paper and what amounts to a giant party \*about them\* .. do they really love you? Or do they love the idea of being married and being the centre of attention? Then you can add the damage social media has done on top (e.g: marry within 6months / 2years, feeding delulu into peoples brains) and it's a recipe for disaster.
So on point āļø
I donāt hane your goals and values, period.
The first 2 times she said no
The redflags i have overlooked in the beginning ...after 10 years she broke up directly with another one...so my thoughts saved me from marrying a wrong wife
Knowing her good enough to see how she would have turned into a Bridezilla that will bankrupt us and have us in a crippling debt for decades to come.
I talked to her and neither of us sees any merit in getting married. It makes absolutely zero sense to spend that much money for negligible tax benefits.
Twist on that question. To the women: Are you good with things as they are? If so, happily carry on. Marriage is not a must If you're waiting for a marriage proposal that doesn't appear to be forthcoming, what's holding you back from going your own way?
What's stopping you from being the one to ask?Ā
Why? Just, why? There is literally no reason to get married.
Why hasnt she proposed
Oddly specific at 8 years, is this some ultra meta "get going" post?
Marriage is outdated. Why get a government contract to be together.
She's not the one duh...and she's a fool for waiting .
We have house and kids, what the hell would we gain from getting married??? From our point of view, kids are a much stronger commitment than marriage.
Fromage lol Makes sense. Are you legally safe? I heard horror stories about unmarried couples where 1 partner had an accident or something and the other can't make medical decisions, or 1 dies and suddenly family members appear who inherit half the house and stuff like that. Every part can be set up without being married, but many dont pay attention especially while young.
Oh crap, well my autocorrect is as French as me. You are right, marriage, at least in France, is the highest form of protection possible for the bride and groom. We have something else, PACS (a civil agreement) + will, and they are a good intermediary. Yet I agree, we are in very good terms with our families so we think it's fine this way. But if we weren't, it would have been marriage. Nonetheless, we may change our mind in the future, who knows.
Exactly this. You can achieve all the legal benefits of marriage through other means. But in the end that's just marriage with extra steps.
I'm guessing it's because they don't want to get married.
I've been in a relationship for 10 years, and my bf hasnāt proposed yet. Iāve seen TikToks saying that if he hasnāt proposed by now, heās not committed. That feels off to me because in a long-term relationship, these things should be talked about. In our case, we do want to get married at some point, but we have other priorities right now. We want to move to another country, focus on trying to get pregnant, buy a new apartment, my boyfriend just started his own company... Planning a wedding would take a lot of time and effort, and people will answer to that "you can have a small wedding", well guess what? We also talked about the kind of wedding we want and it would require a lot of energy and money that weād rather invest elsewhere atm. If, for some reason, weāre not together anymore and one of us marries someone else quickly, it doesnāt mean there wasnāt commitment or love in our relationship. It just means that different circumstances and different people can lead to different decisions. Being married doesn't equal being committed. We love each other and want to build a family together. Personally, I don't need a wedding to legitimize that, but I have friends who feel differently. If getting married is a non-negotiable for you, and your boyfriend isnāt on the same page, then you need to have a serious conversation about his reasons and see if your goals are really compatible. And yes, sometimes he might not see a future with youāit happened to a friend of mine, and it was absolutely crushing. But honestly, the signs were there from the start; he never talked about the future or building a life together...
Don't believe TikTok. Just his commitment by his actions. It was ten years before my wife and I got married, but I was always committed and faithful (we were exclusive, you guys do whatever...lol) I live away from her for 12 months and was STILL faithful. Marriage didn't change any of that.
Thereās no denying the fact that marriage is a risk that many men are unwilling to take since divorce is very real, having everything theyāve worked decades for, half taken away for what? Because they wanted to play golf with their buddies instead of mowing the grass?? Or not being āemotionally availableā? No, not worth it.
I was close. I was about 7.5 years before I popped the question. I was nervous and broke. I also had been hurt in previous relationships, so I was dealing with old traumas, too. We split up at the end of last year. Even after that long before proposing, I STILL got it wrong. I was convinced it was the right move. Life moves in mysterious ways. Sometimes, you can be convinced she's the one, and she proves otherwise.
Fear and common sense.
Why should I?
Women have a tendency to not honor the wedding vows. The stats are pretty lopsided.
If a married man cheats, heās evil. If a married woman cheats, her husband didnāt make her happy enough. Either way, the man gives 50% of everything he owns to his now ex wife. Iām mystified why any man would ever get married. Itās a terrible deal for him.
Both genders have a tendency to not honor vows, itās just that women are usually the ones rewarded in a āfailureā.
While undoubtedly some women are opportunistic and intentionally divorce as a means to enrich themselves, I think that often that isn't the case. Divorce can be very destructive to women too. I think women's tendency to divorce and/or become unpleasant in marriage might just be a part of women's sexuality. Many / most women might not be not capable of maintaining attraction to one person over a long period of time.
the gynocentric state and legal apparatus. next question.
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In fact, we "married" just with a signature at the registry office after years due to get it much easier with the german bureaucracy and security measures, especially when it comes to having a child. Also, tax and social security reasons.
-Lack of material means and lack of prospects. -Hawk tuah girls who undermine commitment. -Andrew Tate. (Serious answer is only the first)
Sanity
Dunno, been single for exactly this oddly specific 8 or so years. I'll get back to you at minimum of 8 or so years with an answer if I'm not married by then.
My friend - ā moneyā
The restraining order
Common sense.
I'm chronically ill with long covid and i have no idea if i will get better. I want to give her the life she deserves but i have no idea if i will be able to I went from climbing mountains to being unable to walk 5 feet Theres no treatments, cures or medications ... I love her, she deserves the world .. and it breaks my heart i may one day have to walk away because this illness has robbed us of a future My life may be over, but i refuse to let hers be also. Even if we have to part ways Hopefully i get better and hopefully i can go back to normality But if it doesnt change, i will walk away ... i will make the decision so she doesnt have to
Why would you mess with something that's working by making a prison out of it?
My feelings don't depend on a signature on a piece of paper. I'd like a girl that doesn't blindly follow traditions without questioning them.
The restraining order
Overrated
Financial acumen and common sense.
Unless a man wants non bastard children, there is nothing a wife can provide that a girlfriend can not.
I proposed after 10 years a few months ago. There's a housing crisis in the country I live in so people tend to settle down much later due to lack of access to housing. We bought a house 2 years ago after years of saving and in hindsight I wish I had proposed as soon as we moved in so we could enjoy it a bit more as she is now unexpectedly pregnant š
Been there ( twice), done it and got the T-shirt. I'm just better at being a boyfriend than being a husband. No kids in the planning either
For me, I didn't want to get married, got engaged, but she needed to step up to be my wife, and never put in the effort and commitment so binned it all off
I knew a guy who was always the 'I'm never getting married' type. About 12 years into their relationship, he popped the question out of the blue... turned out he was having an affair at work.
Weāve been together over ten years, have two kids (3 and 8) and a mortgage. Thereās always been better things to spend our money on. Maybe one day.
A lot of them settle for placeholders. She doesn't realise this of course. This was pretty eye opening. All woman should read it. https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/dating/men-have-revealed-how-much-they-hate-their-girlfriends-in-a-disturbing-twitter-thread/news-story/c2f735e316e39554031369b77a1dbaff%3famp
They live in Switzerland.
Marriage just isn't worth the risk anymore
Waiting for the right moment financially. Want to be in the best position regarding housing first as weddings are expensive, especially with a large extended family. Half of the time we were together was at University so it wasn't gonna happen then. Then we were saving for a house, then covid happened and now we want to move. So yeah.
Nothing is holding me or my girlfriend back. We decided not to get married as itās an old tradition. In our country more couples donāt marry than they do. Weāve been together for nearly 15 years now.
Why do they need to propose??? If after 8 years you want to be married but neither of you has discussed this and you arenāt on the same page there is a big disconnect.
12 years, just not about it, really. Got a kid and going all good. If it ain't broke and all that.
Marriage just seems stupid and self-indulgent to me. It serves no purpose in a post-feudal society where women are not mere commodities and baby machines.
Buying a house together is more of a commitment statement than marriage. We love each other regardless of being married and chose to buy a house instead.
My wife.
We like to keep all our stuff and pension
we don't care about mariage
Oh god, 8 years together and not proposed yet? Only reason I would wait that long is that I am not actually waiting, and that I have no intentions of tying the knot, and I'm already getting everything I want or expect from that relationship that a marriage wouldnt change. Sex? Check. Companionship? Check. Housemate? Check. Satisfaction with current state of financial situation? Check. No interest in kids? Check check check. So what would marriage do for me in this situation? Extra expenses to make something everybody already knows "official"? Finally we get to go on a "Honeymoon" (that we already go on every year anyways)? Turning her into a potential liability for me where I'd have to pay alimony and go through a very traumatic and painful separation process should either of us one day decide to divorce? Let me put it this way. If Girlfriend 10.0 already has the same or more features than Wife 1.0, why would I upgrade to Wife 1.0? Just dosent make sense to pay for the upgrade when the previous version is already working fine? Especially since the new version now has added conditions that makes me 50% poorer if I have compatibility issues with it?
Regretting your boyfriend decision?
What is it, that the men should propose? If you want to marry, ask him yourself. We want equal rights after all. Me and my BF donāt marry, because a marriage has serious legal consequences, and I think people marry to easily. Also in Switzerland you pay more taxes if youāre married and donāt have kids..
I've been married twice, I am not doing that again. Marriage makes me feel trapped, I know it's not for me now. I'm very happy with my man and feel free with him and not contractually obliged to stay with him.
Surely a better question is what are the reasons to get married? Why take the risk of loosing half your stuff? What do you get in return?
Iād say because in the event of a divorce youāll pretty much gonna lose everything, so not worth it.
At 8 years? It was money. At the 10 years and half mark, i pulled the trigger. We are getting married next year, on the day we celebrate 12 years āŗļø
83% of all proposals are from the man to the woman, why donāt propose women to men?
29 years together and happily unmarried.
The real answer is that most of them are hoping for someone better to come along. It's a tale as old as time, they date for 10+ years, then break up and get married within a year.
Gotta waste your fertile years when they know you want kids just for shits and giggles
Oof thatās really sadā¦ l feel like you shouldnāt stay in a relationship with someone who doesnāt want to marry you if you donāt want to get married. Itās sad to break up of course but donāt waste your years
The saying goes āWhy buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?ā ps happily married for 18 years.
What is holding you back go propose to him?
My girlfriend is divorced, so the catholic church won't accept a second marriage. Thus we'll just cohabitate.
You can be happily together, without being married
I got to year 7. Then we broke up.
I married my wife after ten years, we were engaged for 3 years. Discussed married from early on just didn't get around to it for ages. I have male friends who have been dating their girlfriends since I started dating my wife. The reasons I got off them were a few Most popular reason was no interest in marriage, it's old school followed by fear and also common is losing half their stuff if divorce happens. I think it shows their not fully committed and so does my wife. Good enough to sleep with but easy exit if feelings change.
Had a gf for 7 years. Eventually i really asked myself this question, and decided to break up. So that's an answer i guess
Did you ever talk about marriage during your 7 years together? I mean, you don't just wake up one morning and suddenly decide you don't want to marry her. If it was never discussed, maybe you never really thought about a future together. I think a big part of being in a committed relationship is imaging and making plans for the future
Got together young, both of us have been changing as people while trying to figure out ourselves and each other as we grew older. Along with the highs there were also lows that needed to be sorted out. Money. Legally binding myself and my things to another person is...nerve-wracking.
Her mother...
Marriage is not the default path.
Been with my partner around ten years, weāve discussed it and basically neither of us really care about going through the paperwork for negligible benefit. As far as we are concerned we basically are, people often use married terms in regards to us and we donāt really correct them. We are both childfree so thereās no issues when it comes to child custody or anything like that. There are some other financial reasons that float around the periphery that make it a bad idea for us, but basically we just donāt see any real reason to. Joint bank accounts donāt exist in my country, so the only real benefits are when it comes to inheritance (and I have an updated will) and medical proxies. As long as you and your partner are on the same page of course. If she badly wanted to be married we would discuss that, but we are both apathetic to it.
It's not like only men can propose.
I porposed last year and we re gonna marry this year. We'll be together for 12 years then. For me the main reasons were that we got together relatively young (18) and I wanted to have a stable income and life situation before marrying.
Seems a presumptuous question. Why marry?