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Yeah I mean, if she sees that you're with your true life partner, and realizes that you're actually much happier now, she's bound to be glad for the both of you
We romanticize people, in actual reality, they are not perfect. The cracks start showing when rose glasses are off. Take time before you commit to life partnership guys.
For me, I met a guy that checked all the boxes. But the gut said no. I was still in my “ignore my gut and give benefit of the doubt stage” but my gut refused to be denied.
I have absolutely no idea what my gut was in about, but I decided to not try.
I have no evidence or even real theory that he was a bad dude. My gut said no. I can tell you, I’ve never regretted it.
He could have been perfect and been “the one”
Whatever. My gut said no and for the first time, I listened to it. Now, I trust my gut and my instincts — but perfect on paper doesn’t mean anything if something is screaming no.
Then that’s a choice as well. But don’t mistake guy for hormones in that case. I’ve been there. Thought it was my gut telling me to stick around, turns out, it absolutely wasn’t 🤣
That's what happened with me nd my ex. We were good fuckin friends but got into a relationship, 1 year later I lost any kind of romantic feelings for him, no physical connection too. Went back to beings best friends lmaoo
I have had so many boyfriends who checked all the boxes initially, but they always turned out to be not who they seemed. We're all good on paper especially at the beginning. You need to go through a crisis with someone or get into a serious argument with someone to know who they really are. How do they fight? Do they withdraw? Do you? Do they fight dirty bringing up your past trauma to gaslight you? Do they panic when under stress? Do they self-medicate in some way like shopping or porn or something kind of easy to hide?
When your first with someone all you have is that paper version. The rest comes out eventually. That's when you'll know if you're compatible.
Because something inside of ME can't handle people for very long. I like being around folks in small measured doses and then NEED time by myself or else I get very angry and violent. That's no way for anyone to live with someone that's supposed to love them. They deserve someone better. I have no idea why I'm this way but when I come home and find the place exactly as I left it then it feels like home but if anything's out of place it no longer feels like it's MY place until I reorder it to the way it should be.
Age.
Friend's little sister, we grew up in the same area, shared a lot of pastimes and values, tended to hang out when our families did stuff together, etc.
She had a crush on me for a long time, and it was just this super cute thing, until it wasn't. At her brother's wedding, every time I bumped into her, she would mention her 16th birthday (age of consent in MI). That was the first time that it even crossed my mind that the cute crush she had been harboring for years could ever amount to anything. I don't recall my exact age, but I was into my 20's at the time.
Once I was clear of the scenario, I thought it over a while and decided that just because she was legal didn't make a relationship a good idea and decided to deliberately distanced myself for a few years after that. I would have considered her an option somewhere around 20-ish, but we had gone different directions by then.
That's to quantify. Based on my stage in life and activities, I didn't encounter many 16-year-olds. Categorically, I didn't find them that entertaining. But part of knowing her as well as I did was the amount of time our families spent together.
At her brother's wedding, her cousin was basically telling me to go for it, and a while later, her other brother (she has 2) gave me a heads up when he knew a buddy of his was going to ask her out (her crush had been obvious), so I don't think her family was really against anything (her dad might've been a hard sell though).
She had a kid, and I wasn't ready for that commitment just yet.
She also had a pattern of making dangerous, irrational and unethical decisions. I decided that the fun wasn't worth the crazy.
Penis. Like, I love having one myself, but I don't think I'd want to have sex with someone who had one. IDK if that makes sense? It's a shame really because I often find penis havers to be the ones I'm most compatible with.
Dont really need emotional support, anything physical I need help with women that have been in my life have been clumsy and nearly useless. I also dont like female friend groups, I like hanging out with my friends, which were always male, otherwise we end up fucking or not talking. My hobbies scream male, Ive cooked better than any girl Ive had because I had to cook for myself since I was young. Some were really shit at it. On paper it really sucks that I love women, 0 real world benefits from being with them in my case.
Could be any of a million reasons. Connecting with someone is so much more complex than checking boxes.
Just on the surface, though, am I single? Am I looking for a relationship right now? Are they? Statistically only about 10-15% of people are open to a new relationship at any given time, per studies. So the chances of meeting someone who you are on paper compatible with and you both are looking to start a new relationship at that time are so slim. I would say this is probably the most common reason by far.
Also basic issue: Am I attracted to this person? Are they attracted to me? Chemistry goes way deeper than someone's appearance, and you can't force it. Someone might be an absolutely lovely human being in every way, but you just don't feel that way about them. You will never work as a couple, and that's just how it goes. You're not right for each other.
Third basic issue: Are there circumstances that make getting involved with this person a bad idea? This can also be any of a million things. Maybe you work together, maybe you live thousands of miles from each other, maybe he drinks too much, maybe she slept with your brother. Who knows, could be anything.
That's just on the surface.
Attraction, love, and attachment aren't a "checking the boxes" kind of situation. It's not like a video game where you make the right moves, up down up down a b a b, and you win. It's always an interaction, it's always out of our control. There are hundreds of factors that go into whether two people will work well as a couple and the majority of them we aren't even conscious of.
Which is all to say: Don't take someone's no personally, because it's almost certainly nothing to do with you. The only way to succeed here is to be the best version of yourself, and continually meet and engage with others until you meet someone you really click with. It's frustrating, but that's how it is for everybody.
Abject TERROR.
Although I've had, and am currently in, long-term relationships, NEVER have I chosen to be with someone I had a crush on/ been fascinated by/ been obsessed with/ etcetera.
Oh, SO HELL NO!
TOO DAMN SCARY!
RUN RUN RUN!
I chose banked embers over a raging blaze every time.
Because they are in a relationship, or I am, because they smoke, they live far away, somewhere where I don't want to live and they do not want to move.
They said no. That is good enough to not pursue (stock and harass) a person. Because we live in a time of understanding that consent is important and respect is even more important. You would not have to pursue somebody if they gave consent when you asked them out. So if they said no it’s a no.
Fear of rejection.
I asked a beautiful girl out at work and she agreed to meet for a drink. She was about 20 minutes late and I was convinced she wasn’t coming so I got up to go and she turned up.
We went on to have four kids.
As much as I want to continue, he has been pushing me away for a while. And has basically started going no contact. Letting his anxiety and depression be top priority over letting me be a support. As much as I want him, he may not be for me. And I have to learn how to accept that.
It looks to me like you're asking 2 separate things here. To "invest" in someone is to get to know them better, maybe invite them to spend some time with you. That's very low-key & non-threatening. You could hang out a bit, learn about thier interests & goals, share some experiences, but still back out into a friendship if romance doesn't result.
There's no reason *not* to do this.
To "pursue" someone, though, crosses over into stalker territory. The object of one's desire may have shown no interest, or even made it clear they aren't interested. Most of the time, it'll just alienate them, plus it's rude & creepy.
# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Scared shitless
My girlfriend wouldn’t like it much.
Cmon I’m sure she’ll come around eventually
Yeah I mean, if she sees that you're with your true life partner, and realizes that you're actually much happier now, she's bound to be glad for the both of you
We romanticize people, in actual reality, they are not perfect. The cracks start showing when rose glasses are off. Take time before you commit to life partnership guys.
[удалено]
For me, I met a guy that checked all the boxes. But the gut said no. I was still in my “ignore my gut and give benefit of the doubt stage” but my gut refused to be denied. I have absolutely no idea what my gut was in about, but I decided to not try. I have no evidence or even real theory that he was a bad dude. My gut said no. I can tell you, I’ve never regretted it. He could have been perfect and been “the one” Whatever. My gut said no and for the first time, I listened to it. Now, I trust my gut and my instincts — but perfect on paper doesn’t mean anything if something is screaming no.
[удалено]
Then that’s a choice as well. But don’t mistake guy for hormones in that case. I’ve been there. Thought it was my gut telling me to stick around, turns out, it absolutely wasn’t 🤣
That's what happened with me nd my ex. We were good fuckin friends but got into a relationship, 1 year later I lost any kind of romantic feelings for him, no physical connection too. Went back to beings best friends lmaoo
My own lack of self-esteem and lack of belief that I can keep this person interested and engaged, while dealing with competitors and interlopers.
Lack of time/interest in dating or maintaining a relationship at the time.
I have had so many boyfriends who checked all the boxes initially, but they always turned out to be not who they seemed. We're all good on paper especially at the beginning. You need to go through a crisis with someone or get into a serious argument with someone to know who they really are. How do they fight? Do they withdraw? Do you? Do they fight dirty bringing up your past trauma to gaslight you? Do they panic when under stress? Do they self-medicate in some way like shopping or porn or something kind of easy to hide? When your first with someone all you have is that paper version. The rest comes out eventually. That's when you'll know if you're compatible.
Emotional unavailability or low self esteem
Because something inside of ME can't handle people for very long. I like being around folks in small measured doses and then NEED time by myself or else I get very angry and violent. That's no way for anyone to live with someone that's supposed to love them. They deserve someone better. I have no idea why I'm this way but when I come home and find the place exactly as I left it then it feels like home but if anything's out of place it no longer feels like it's MY place until I reorder it to the way it should be.
So is that not your own emotional unavailability?
oh it 100% is and I have no idea what caused it but it seems to be working quit well. I'm happy with myself and my life.
If they weren’t wanting to pursue me.
But what if they do?
Then they should have shown it.
Trust issues.
Age. Friend's little sister, we grew up in the same area, shared a lot of pastimes and values, tended to hang out when our families did stuff together, etc. She had a crush on me for a long time, and it was just this super cute thing, until it wasn't. At her brother's wedding, every time I bumped into her, she would mention her 16th birthday (age of consent in MI). That was the first time that it even crossed my mind that the cute crush she had been harboring for years could ever amount to anything. I don't recall my exact age, but I was into my 20's at the time. Once I was clear of the scenario, I thought it over a while and decided that just because she was legal didn't make a relationship a good idea and decided to deliberately distanced myself for a few years after that. I would have considered her an option somewhere around 20-ish, but we had gone different directions by then.
And also social circumstances? If she were not your friends sister, would you approach it different?
That's to quantify. Based on my stage in life and activities, I didn't encounter many 16-year-olds. Categorically, I didn't find them that entertaining. But part of knowing her as well as I did was the amount of time our families spent together. At her brother's wedding, her cousin was basically telling me to go for it, and a while later, her other brother (she has 2) gave me a heads up when he knew a buddy of his was going to ask her out (her crush had been obvious), so I don't think her family was really against anything (her dad might've been a hard sell though).
She had a kid, and I wasn't ready for that commitment just yet. She also had a pattern of making dangerous, irrational and unethical decisions. I decided that the fun wasn't worth the crazy.
they broke up with me
They don't feel the same about me
Penis. Like, I love having one myself, but I don't think I'd want to have sex with someone who had one. IDK if that makes sense? It's a shame really because I often find penis havers to be the ones I'm most compatible with.
Dont really need emotional support, anything physical I need help with women that have been in my life have been clumsy and nearly useless. I also dont like female friend groups, I like hanging out with my friends, which were always male, otherwise we end up fucking or not talking. My hobbies scream male, Ive cooked better than any girl Ive had because I had to cook for myself since I was young. Some were really shit at it. On paper it really sucks that I love women, 0 real world benefits from being with them in my case.
Could be any of a million reasons. Connecting with someone is so much more complex than checking boxes. Just on the surface, though, am I single? Am I looking for a relationship right now? Are they? Statistically only about 10-15% of people are open to a new relationship at any given time, per studies. So the chances of meeting someone who you are on paper compatible with and you both are looking to start a new relationship at that time are so slim. I would say this is probably the most common reason by far. Also basic issue: Am I attracted to this person? Are they attracted to me? Chemistry goes way deeper than someone's appearance, and you can't force it. Someone might be an absolutely lovely human being in every way, but you just don't feel that way about them. You will never work as a couple, and that's just how it goes. You're not right for each other. Third basic issue: Are there circumstances that make getting involved with this person a bad idea? This can also be any of a million things. Maybe you work together, maybe you live thousands of miles from each other, maybe he drinks too much, maybe she slept with your brother. Who knows, could be anything. That's just on the surface. Attraction, love, and attachment aren't a "checking the boxes" kind of situation. It's not like a video game where you make the right moves, up down up down a b a b, and you win. It's always an interaction, it's always out of our control. There are hundreds of factors that go into whether two people will work well as a couple and the majority of them we aren't even conscious of. Which is all to say: Don't take someone's no personally, because it's almost certainly nothing to do with you. The only way to succeed here is to be the best version of yourself, and continually meet and engage with others until you meet someone you really click with. It's frustrating, but that's how it is for everybody.
Always trust in your guts. If they say no, there's a reason.
[удалено]
Do you want to be friends with someone who treats people the way she treated you?
Good question
If all those are in place then it would be because there isn't any room in my life for a relationship
As I am now, I'd wish better for someone I'm in love with than me.
I'm ugly and I don't check all her boxes.
Because I've so royally fucked up every relationship I've been in to the point of financial ruin and homelessness
Don’t worry kid, they only see you as a friend.
We both fooled eachother into thinking we were compatible even though we weren't. Love made us blind, I needed out.
Abject TERROR. Although I've had, and am currently in, long-term relationships, NEVER have I chosen to be with someone I had a crush on/ been fascinated by/ been obsessed with/ etcetera. Oh, SO HELL NO! TOO DAMN SCARY! RUN RUN RUN! I chose banked embers over a raging blaze every time.
Different countries
Shes showing 0 interest in being with me
There has to be a special spark there. If it's not there, it won't work.
If they have any kids or want them someday.
I don't think I'd be a desirable partner, despite what my friends tell me.
Because they are in a relationship, or I am, because they smoke, they live far away, somewhere where I don't want to live and they do not want to move.
If they don't feel the same about you that's pretty much the only reason you'd ever need.
That person is in a romantic relationship. Anyone that will cheat with me will cheat on me
The person might be bad in bed or the person is faking it
I’m emotionally unstable and I have low self esteem, I’d end up hurting that person.
They said no. That is good enough to not pursue (stock and harass) a person. Because we live in a time of understanding that consent is important and respect is even more important. You would not have to pursue somebody if they gave consent when you asked them out. So if they said no it’s a no.
Because it takes 2 hands to clap! They might check all YOUR boxes, but you probably won't even get a copy of the sheet to check any boxes!
He kept walking 🤷🏼♀️
It sounds like too much work and i am lazy. So I don't consider such a hardcore effort like that worthy.
Because I don't want to settle down yet.
Their sexual kinks are antithetical to yours.
Fear of rejection. I asked a beautiful girl out at work and she agreed to meet for a drink. She was about 20 minutes late and I was convinced she wasn’t coming so I got up to go and she turned up. We went on to have four kids.
Did you also have a relationship?
Yeah, we got married.
I am not good enough for her.
As much as I want to continue, he has been pushing me away for a while. And has basically started going no contact. Letting his anxiety and depression be top priority over letting me be a support. As much as I want him, he may not be for me. And I have to learn how to accept that.
Is this a real question or dud you just get dumped? I think the biggest answers; personality quirks
It looks to me like you're asking 2 separate things here. To "invest" in someone is to get to know them better, maybe invite them to spend some time with you. That's very low-key & non-threatening. You could hang out a bit, learn about thier interests & goals, share some experiences, but still back out into a friendship if romance doesn't result. There's no reason *not* to do this. To "pursue" someone, though, crosses over into stalker territory. The object of one's desire may have shown no interest, or even made it clear they aren't interested. Most of the time, it'll just alienate them, plus it's rude & creepy.