Super hard to know without context. I’m 32f and lots of my clients, both male and female, talk to me about their sex life and sex drive. I’ve had whole sessions surrounding intimacy. I can’t say that I’ve ever brought it up though. Maaaaaybe if i have it would be during a discussion during depressive symptoms i might say “I’d like to ask a question and if I’m crossing boundaries please let me know, but are you still enjoying sex or physical intimacy of any kind?” If it was uncomfortable let him know. I’d also do some self-reflection about why it’s uncomfortable for you. This might be something to actually talk about. With that said, maybe not with him. Maybe with a female therapist more your age who you feel comfortable with.
That is helpful to know! I will be more direct with the fact that I was uncomfortable if he does it again. This is definitely good to reflect on, I am not sure why it felt so uncomfortable.
I’m going to take a wild guess that part of it is the difference in sex and age. The people who talk to me about their sex like (regardless of sex/gender identity/etc.) are always around my age. And believe me, people tell me things about their sex life that should only be told through a porno. Idk what makes them think they need to tell their therapist 😂😅 no judgment though. Whatever they need to talk about to feel better.
Lol oh no…I’ve had quite a few sessions that were basically all about sex/masturbation…and now I’m thinking about the things my poor therapist has had to hear from me! 😬 😆 That hadn’t occurred to me that it might be a bit much!
Well to be honest, you can always assume they’ve heard worse. No matter what you tell them it’s a safe assumption that they’ve heard worse. I’ve heard about sex positions, penis size, labia size (i actually had a client tell me “what you lack in the back you pack in the cat”) I’ve heard about masturbation, sores from STDs, bowel movements.. i mean you name it and i have heard it.
The only times I ever talked to my therapist about detail regarding my sex life was with my previous therapist, because I was starting with her for EMDR due to a history of SA. She had asked if the assault caused me problems in my sex life and I said no, followed by some thinking and then realized that yes, there's one position I usually can't do because of it. That was it, until a number of months later when I mentioned having been pretty active with the hubby over the weekend but noticed that when I'd tried that particular position I'd gone numb. I apologized and said I was about to be a bit graphic, then explained what we were doing when I suddenly couldn't feel my body anymore though I was mentally still there 100%. That part felt a little awkward, but manageable. But then I was describing the conversation I'd had with hubby afterwards, about being frustrated with myself and he incorrectly assumed it was related to not having an orgasm so I corrected his assumption. That's when I really started to feel awkward lol, because then I ended up expanding on our typical pattern regarding that. She was kind throughout and clearly had heard this sort of stuff much more than I'd ever talked about it so was very casual about it, which helped a lot.
It really was. It helped to be able to bounce that off her, because I'd never dissociated like that during sex that I have chosen to participate in. I appreciated her calm demeanor. It made it a lot easier to work through the situation.
Can I ask if on your office’s website or wherever you have a bio if you list sexual health or related topics as something you’re knowledgeable in? Or have your clients just asked if you can help in that area? Also, would you ever tell a client that you aren’t very experienced in a topic if they brought up something that you weren’t rust knowledgeable in, or is it better to let them open up regardless of he therapist’s experience if they already trust and have a good working-relationship with them?
Sorry for all the questions I’m just curious because I’d never think to do this lol I’ve been to many therapists over my 38 years but I’ve never brought up anything related to sex because I haven’t seen it listed as something kind of my therapists is knowledgeable in helping. I typically see a therapist based on what they advertise as their experience. I currently have two different therapists, one who specializes in mood disorders and other generalized issues, and another therapist who specializes in restricted eating disorders (that one was hard to find in my small community).
I do NOT advertise that I’m knowledgeable in sex therapy or anything related to sex. In fact i tell them I’m not when they bring it up. But what i am knowledgeable in is exploring and processing negative self-talk, negative self-esteem and things like that. So my assumption is even though i tell my clients I’m not a sex therapist they still feel comfortable talking to me, like my approach and then feel better after talking to me so they continue to bring it up.
It is normal to discuss sex, but it has to have a purpose and be relevant. I inquire on intake if a client may want to talk about sex. I never talk about sex without asking how they feel talking about it.
I do think it is possible to talk about sex without graphic details. Most of us don't live in an episode of Sex and the City. For some, therapy is truly the only place to normalize talk about sex.
Okay, thank you. I am glad that this is normal. I think it would have been easier to discuss it if it were broached more sensitively like you are saying.
I think you should ask why he asked those questions. Find out his answer and then tell him it was uncomfortable. It's hard to comment without context. In my area if there was no clinical purpose to the questions it could be considered sexual abuse.
Hmmm… that would feel intrusive to me.
You mention it also made you uncomfortable. You should tell him that.
I am also a young woman (a client) and my therapist is an older man so I can relate. It’s normal for a therapist to notice that a client avoids talking about a topic - including sex - especially after a few years, and to ask about it once, to see if there is work that needs to be done there (this is what my therapist has done in the past). I avoid talking about sex and my therapist once made that observation. I said I didn’t want to talk about it and he respected that - he did remind me though that any topic is okay to discuss and that sex is not taboo (because lots of people feel shame talking about sex). I feel this was a gentle and positive way to approach the topic - he didn’t pry and ask multiple questions in the way your therapist above did.
In your case - I would wonder why he brought that up. If you’re comfortable you can ask him! It’s rational, given the power dynamic, to be a little suspicious of that sudden change in conversation. That’s very strange, imo.
I encourage you to tell him how you feel. Often times, the therapist brings up the uncomfortable, bc ppl don’t know it’s ok to talk about it in session- as a way of opening that door. But if you’re not ok with it, say it. It’s important for him to know.
NAT.
With the therapists I have had over the years, when I have talked about sex / sexuality, I was the one initiating the topic (including but not only trauma). And they generally focused on my own thoughts.
If one had brought it up spontaneously, I would expect and want a T to provide context as to why they would ask. I would have felt really violated with such a line of questioning. Especially if even at the end, the T didn't explain their reasoning.
But as others have said, this comes down to nuance to know if he was doing his job competently & ethically or not.
Next time you see him, besides telling him you were uncomfortable with his questions, you could also ask what the purpose was. Why did he think it was important to ask at that moment? What is the connection to your pre-established and agreed therapeutic goals?
We can push ourselves to answer uncomfortable questions in therapy, but we should always feel free to pause and delay if we're feeling distressed.
If you are not ready to answer that question in the moment, you can tell them. If it's important, they might explain why they ask, and you can talk about why you feel uncomfortable answering (if that feels ok). Or you can agree to think about it and share your thoughts in the next session.
It's good to challenge yourself in therapy, but you don't have to give carte blanche to your T.
A good therapist isn’t afraid to ask about sex.
Sex is an important aspect of our lives and deserves to be explored. I would say he is probably asking due to an instinct that it’s something you might benefit from talking about.
It sounds like he is right too (the sexual trauma).
Your reaction is also normal and it’s fine to ask him why he asked or say you don’t want to talk about it again etc. only would he be crossing a line if he kept pushing to ask questions that are more than described (and without you leaning into exploring the topic.
Tldr. Normal, what a good therapist should do.
Thank you for explaining this. My T is really good so I was hopeful such a frank conversation about sex was normal. He had multiple questions, but was in no way pushy—which was nice.
I do think it's important to ask for permission about it and only do it if there is good reason to. I'm very careful about this being male therapist when talking to females, especially if they have a history of sexual abuse. Ask for permission, have a good reason, and check in with the client on how they are doing discussing their sex life. If I'm doing trauma specific work for sexual abuse with a female I see if they are comfortable doing it with a male (since this was likely the perp).
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Super hard to know without context. I’m 32f and lots of my clients, both male and female, talk to me about their sex life and sex drive. I’ve had whole sessions surrounding intimacy. I can’t say that I’ve ever brought it up though. Maaaaaybe if i have it would be during a discussion during depressive symptoms i might say “I’d like to ask a question and if I’m crossing boundaries please let me know, but are you still enjoying sex or physical intimacy of any kind?” If it was uncomfortable let him know. I’d also do some self-reflection about why it’s uncomfortable for you. This might be something to actually talk about. With that said, maybe not with him. Maybe with a female therapist more your age who you feel comfortable with.
That is helpful to know! I will be more direct with the fact that I was uncomfortable if he does it again. This is definitely good to reflect on, I am not sure why it felt so uncomfortable.
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Yeah, I didn’t at the time. I will next session.
I’m going to take a wild guess that part of it is the difference in sex and age. The people who talk to me about their sex like (regardless of sex/gender identity/etc.) are always around my age. And believe me, people tell me things about their sex life that should only be told through a porno. Idk what makes them think they need to tell their therapist 😂😅 no judgment though. Whatever they need to talk about to feel better.
Lol oh no…I’ve had quite a few sessions that were basically all about sex/masturbation…and now I’m thinking about the things my poor therapist has had to hear from me! 😬 😆 That hadn’t occurred to me that it might be a bit much!
Well to be honest, you can always assume they’ve heard worse. No matter what you tell them it’s a safe assumption that they’ve heard worse. I’ve heard about sex positions, penis size, labia size (i actually had a client tell me “what you lack in the back you pack in the cat”) I’ve heard about masturbation, sores from STDs, bowel movements.. i mean you name it and i have heard it.
Haha you are probably right. I can’t imagine that level of openness, I was like “yes, I do in fact have sex….”
The only times I ever talked to my therapist about detail regarding my sex life was with my previous therapist, because I was starting with her for EMDR due to a history of SA. She had asked if the assault caused me problems in my sex life and I said no, followed by some thinking and then realized that yes, there's one position I usually can't do because of it. That was it, until a number of months later when I mentioned having been pretty active with the hubby over the weekend but noticed that when I'd tried that particular position I'd gone numb. I apologized and said I was about to be a bit graphic, then explained what we were doing when I suddenly couldn't feel my body anymore though I was mentally still there 100%. That part felt a little awkward, but manageable. But then I was describing the conversation I'd had with hubby afterwards, about being frustrated with myself and he incorrectly assumed it was related to not having an orgasm so I corrected his assumption. That's when I really started to feel awkward lol, because then I ended up expanding on our typical pattern regarding that. She was kind throughout and clearly had heard this sort of stuff much more than I'd ever talked about it so was very casual about it, which helped a lot.
Ahh that sounds so nice
It really was. It helped to be able to bounce that off her, because I'd never dissociated like that during sex that I have chosen to participate in. I appreciated her calm demeanor. It made it a lot easier to work through the situation.
Can I ask if on your office’s website or wherever you have a bio if you list sexual health or related topics as something you’re knowledgeable in? Or have your clients just asked if you can help in that area? Also, would you ever tell a client that you aren’t very experienced in a topic if they brought up something that you weren’t rust knowledgeable in, or is it better to let them open up regardless of he therapist’s experience if they already trust and have a good working-relationship with them? Sorry for all the questions I’m just curious because I’d never think to do this lol I’ve been to many therapists over my 38 years but I’ve never brought up anything related to sex because I haven’t seen it listed as something kind of my therapists is knowledgeable in helping. I typically see a therapist based on what they advertise as their experience. I currently have two different therapists, one who specializes in mood disorders and other generalized issues, and another therapist who specializes in restricted eating disorders (that one was hard to find in my small community).
I do NOT advertise that I’m knowledgeable in sex therapy or anything related to sex. In fact i tell them I’m not when they bring it up. But what i am knowledgeable in is exploring and processing negative self-talk, negative self-esteem and things like that. So my assumption is even though i tell my clients I’m not a sex therapist they still feel comfortable talking to me, like my approach and then feel better after talking to me so they continue to bring it up.
It is normal to discuss sex, but it has to have a purpose and be relevant. I inquire on intake if a client may want to talk about sex. I never talk about sex without asking how they feel talking about it. I do think it is possible to talk about sex without graphic details. Most of us don't live in an episode of Sex and the City. For some, therapy is truly the only place to normalize talk about sex.
Okay, thank you. I am glad that this is normal. I think it would have been easier to discuss it if it were broached more sensitively like you are saying.
I think you should ask why he asked those questions. Find out his answer and then tell him it was uncomfortable. It's hard to comment without context. In my area if there was no clinical purpose to the questions it could be considered sexual abuse.
It felt highly irrelevant to what we were talking about at the time. Like a sudden transition. I will ask him, thanks!
Hmmm… that would feel intrusive to me. You mention it also made you uncomfortable. You should tell him that. I am also a young woman (a client) and my therapist is an older man so I can relate. It’s normal for a therapist to notice that a client avoids talking about a topic - including sex - especially after a few years, and to ask about it once, to see if there is work that needs to be done there (this is what my therapist has done in the past). I avoid talking about sex and my therapist once made that observation. I said I didn’t want to talk about it and he respected that - he did remind me though that any topic is okay to discuss and that sex is not taboo (because lots of people feel shame talking about sex). I feel this was a gentle and positive way to approach the topic - he didn’t pry and ask multiple questions in the way your therapist above did. In your case - I would wonder why he brought that up. If you’re comfortable you can ask him! It’s rational, given the power dynamic, to be a little suspicious of that sudden change in conversation. That’s very strange, imo.
Thank you, I may ask him why! I am actually really curious why he asked.
I encourage you to tell him how you feel. Often times, the therapist brings up the uncomfortable, bc ppl don’t know it’s ok to talk about it in session- as a way of opening that door. But if you’re not ok with it, say it. It’s important for him to know.
Haha, I definitely know it is okay to talk about now. Maybe that is what he was going for. And I will share how it made me feel with him. Thanks!
NAT. With the therapists I have had over the years, when I have talked about sex / sexuality, I was the one initiating the topic (including but not only trauma). And they generally focused on my own thoughts. If one had brought it up spontaneously, I would expect and want a T to provide context as to why they would ask. I would have felt really violated with such a line of questioning. Especially if even at the end, the T didn't explain their reasoning. But as others have said, this comes down to nuance to know if he was doing his job competently & ethically or not. Next time you see him, besides telling him you were uncomfortable with his questions, you could also ask what the purpose was. Why did he think it was important to ask at that moment? What is the connection to your pre-established and agreed therapeutic goals? We can push ourselves to answer uncomfortable questions in therapy, but we should always feel free to pause and delay if we're feeling distressed. If you are not ready to answer that question in the moment, you can tell them. If it's important, they might explain why they ask, and you can talk about why you feel uncomfortable answering (if that feels ok). Or you can agree to think about it and share your thoughts in the next session. It's good to challenge yourself in therapy, but you don't have to give carte blanche to your T.
This really resonates, especially because I am curious now how this does align with my goals. Thank hou
A good therapist isn’t afraid to ask about sex. Sex is an important aspect of our lives and deserves to be explored. I would say he is probably asking due to an instinct that it’s something you might benefit from talking about. It sounds like he is right too (the sexual trauma). Your reaction is also normal and it’s fine to ask him why he asked or say you don’t want to talk about it again etc. only would he be crossing a line if he kept pushing to ask questions that are more than described (and without you leaning into exploring the topic. Tldr. Normal, what a good therapist should do.
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Wow There are creeps but not everyone is a creep.
Thank you for explaining this. My T is really good so I was hopeful such a frank conversation about sex was normal. He had multiple questions, but was in no way pushy—which was nice.
I do think it's important to ask for permission about it and only do it if there is good reason to. I'm very careful about this being male therapist when talking to females, especially if they have a history of sexual abuse. Ask for permission, have a good reason, and check in with the client on how they are doing discussing their sex life. If I'm doing trauma specific work for sexual abuse with a female I see if they are comfortable doing it with a male (since this was likely the perp).
💯
As a therapist I’d suggest the possibility that he recently took a training on sex and sexuality and is trying out some of what he learned.
Ahh that is possible
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I didn’t go into therapy with the intention about talking about sex. He is like 50 something though so not super old. He is my dad’s age essentially.
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