You really shouldn’t live by advice in a random subreddit, especially one occupied by many traumatized and often confused people struggling to sort out their own situations.
Nobody in this sub can tell you what your boyfriend’s sexuality is, whether he’s cheating on you, what kind of relationship you should have, whether a relationship with him is viable, or what he’s doing on Grindr. Please ignore any advice that speculates about any such thing. Anecdotal analogizing is entertaining but ultimately worthless.
Autonomy is the name of the game. You each get to define your own sexuality, and the two of you together get to define your relationship. The only advice you need is to talk to each other lovingly and openly to figure out what works FOR YOU.
Learning about human sexuality and relationship models might be helpful, but don’t rely on social media for this. Talk to professionals and/or read reputable books.
If open and loving dialog isn’t possible, or you can’t reach agreement about what works for your relationship, you have to decide for yourself what to do about it, based on your own situation, experience, and intuition, which is all exclusive to you.
Good luck!
First, let's just state the obvious. Your man is having sex with other people who are not you and the fact that they are men does not change that. If this makes you uncomfortable (which it seems it does) you are 100% within your right to ask him to stop. You do not owe it to him to allow his exploring of his sexuality. If you are more worried that he may form an emotional bond with one of these men: Grinder is very much a hookup site, but there is always the chance of it turning into something else.
This is a really nice answer, but I'd like to add that he should have communicated his urges to you, and in all likelihood, "chatting" is not the only thing he's done...
Get an std test and decide if you want to give him another chance, it's up to you but the lack of communication can really kill a relationship.
"wuu2?" "nm u?" "same" "u hrny?" "yh" "me 2" "wuu2?" "still nm" "ok" "... u accom?" "no hbu?" "no" "ok" "wat u wanna do?"
I want to leave this conversation now, thanks.
That's what every interaction on Grindr feels like
Yeah. My ex used that excuse. He would drink till he passed out and one time he passed out with his phone unlocked. He had profiles on multiple sites. When I confronted him about it he claimed he was just chatting...
that doesn't mean everyone on grindr is 100% there to have sex. some people *are* there just to talk to other people. they may be the minority but they still exist.
Idk why this seems like a foreign concept to people. There are countless posts about people complaining about flakes and guys who waste time on grindr just chatting. I'm not saying that just chatting doesn't make it not cheating, but to say if he's on grindr, he's 100% hooking up isn't anywhere close to being true.
I don't know about this population you speak of but I never met anyone on a hookup app that just wanted to chat.
In my ex's case I did have to ask if chatting meant sending nudes and arranging hookups.
umm, yeah, there are people who just want to chat. In fact, i've seen them put that in their profiles "I'm just here to chat" I've also had some tell me in DMs that they are just there to chat, when I ask what are they looking for/into. Strange, but they are there. I don't get it, but, whatevs.
I think it usually takes the form of people who always flake. They're there cause they like the idea of acting on it, or enjoy dirty talk, but for one reason or another they never actually go through with it. Some chicken out, others never had any intention of going through with it in the first place.
That aside, in the case of Grindr specifically, for a *long* time it was basically the only way to find other gays if you didn't have access to/didn't want to go to gay bars and the like, so quite a few guys used it just to connect with others like them.
Crazy to think that just because one person's a slut another isn't. Dude's curious and Grindr's great for cheap horny ho's to talk dick sucking and so on. Dick pics & quick chats about cock. Doesn't mean he's hooked up.
Still doesn’t make it better.
If you’re sending dick pics to others behind your wife’s back, it’s cheating. If a man sends a dick pic to a woman, it’s cheating; if he’s a man, it’s just a “quick chat bout cock”?
LMAO
Has nothing to do with gender. But honestly, I've never sent a pic, so I was thinking from the perspective of him never sending one. I could see someone feeling betrayed if he sent one... let down maybe. I don't consider that cheating, just underhanded... deceitful. It could weaken the trust, but if honest about it, shouldn't break the trust.
I mean, it’s always possible. That said, I say this as a gay man who had people I hooked up with. So, there were some people who I just chatted to. But I was still hooking up with other people, so…
Saying that guys go on Grindr to “chat” is like saying that people go to McDonald’s to just “look at the menu”. It’s so ridiculous. Dudes are there for one reason, and one reason only.
Gurllllll!!! Your man is not just chatting but he is hooking up with them as well. Dump his asss and move on … “ I’m the one” more like you’re his plus one. Remember you’re only 25 and you can always fall in love. GET RID OF HIM.
Unless you want an open relationship.
👏🏻All. 👏🏻Of. 👏🏻This. ⤴️
I would also add: If you didn't get them already, get your vaccinations for HPV (especially important for women!), Hep A&B, Monkeypox (if you can), and get on pREp, ASAP.
Like people said, he’s not just chatting.
Grindr is not a good place to chat it’s a place to get dick pics out of nowhere.
Even if he did only chat it’s a matter of time before he’s too horny and will sneak or “stay at work late”.
I would recommend doing STD and HIV tests because usually first timers are too naive to think about protection.
Lastly, If he’s exploring himself right now I think it would be smart to end the relationship.
He will eventually want to try and date or have sex with man and it would hurt you a lot more because he would this time break your trust after giving you a promise.
It’s a sucky situation and I’m so sorry but you should not be naive about it.
I met and slept with a quite few men who told me in the middle or after that they have a GF.
I'm sorry girl, but I think you deserve more than this, I understand that you love him, but this is a serious and necessary conversation that both of you should have, since it seems that you have plans for the future.
He’s probably just bisexual & is genuine in his love & desire for you. He probably has a sexual itch that can only be met by men.
Ask or discern if he’s a top, bottom (pitching or catching) or both.
If he likes to bottom you may be able to meet his needs by experimenting with you being more dominant & taking the lead or maybe pegging him (using a strap on). Some bi men like to be the submissive but it’s rare to find a woman who’s naturally dominant (due to evo psych).
Otherwise if that or other solutions can’t satisfy him maybe you should discuss allowing him to seek satisfaction for his male attracted side with another person(it’s unclear if you’re ok with this) while still being romantically & sexually devoted to you. Maybe encourage him to have a main squeeze/friend with benefits that you are both comfortable with. This would reduce the risk of STDs & maybe allow you to trust that fwb more & develop a friendship with them.
A must would be to ensure that you & him are engaging in safe sexual practices. You both should do std tests (they’re provided for free by my state of Arkansas). He should be wearing a condom & or taking prep (a drug that prevents/greatly reduces the risk if contracting HIV). Maybe he should also get vaccinated for monkeypox as well.
This comes from the perspective of a sort of bisexual man (I greatly prefer men & don’t go after girls). There are a lot of discrete guys who go behind their female significant other’s back. They suck & are flaky. I think openness is best for all parties involved. That’s just my ¢2.
THIS is the correct answer, not all the bitches coming on here saying she should break up with him. It is clear that she accepts him being bi-curious and wants to stay with him
I mean to be fair she is still convinced that he's not going to stick with dudes and thus is allowed to chat with them. What about if he wants more, what's the plan and what's allowed? What if in fact she is sorely mistaken and is actually sadly not his "The One"?
He may be bi-curious, he may be bi or even gay. I don't want to jinx the poor lass but I feel she probably needs to start thinking about the alternatives here...
Such a good response.
But I think the idea of pegging him solving his curiosity would be equal to saying if a girl likes dick then throw her a vibe and she good.
It might satisfy for now but he may still need the 5 senses in the flesh.
Love your username by the way, I’m just so curious as to which of the so many ways it can be taken is what is meant. I’ll pretend it’s my vision of never ending calamari or meatballs and a table with a river of marinara flowing through it… or it might be random like mine and mean nothing. I prefer the calamari. That is my truth.
Yeah, idk much abt women so this whole thing was just off the cuff. Take it with a grain of salt & yeah strap-in’s aren’t a replacement but it ties in with him maybe wanting dominance in a partner.
My username is like the Mariana Trench (deepest point in the ocean) but nobody’s used my variation on most sites.
He has cheated on you in the past, that is going to continue. Do not risk your health. It doesn't really matter that he is going through something, he is having sex with other people and that creates an sti risk for you.
> He has cheated on you in the past, that is going to continue.
Not trying to argue, I am just confused. How do you know this, did OP write about a history of cheating somewhere?
Op says the boyfriend has admitted to talking to men on grindr. I feel comfortable extrapolating he has been having sex with men, because it's not a conversation app. Also because this is an ongoing thing for him for over 6 years.
Plenty of men "identify as straight" for various ideological and practical reasons, that is why the medical term MSM, men who have sex with men, exists. I don't blame the bf, homophobia drives people to this sort of behaviour, but it is still in op's best interest to exit the relationship.
I could be wrong, it's just my read on what is going on.
Thank you honestly for explaining. I have autism, and these kinds of social cues are sometimes invisible to me no matter how much I think about it.
I am really just trying to understand what other people see, think, and feel. It all feels alien to me, and sometimes I feel dumber than a rock just for existing. I need hints and tips like this now and then, LOL!
It can be hard to explain without experiencing it firsthand, but unless someone lives in the sticks, opening Grindr is like a dam breaking. If he’s had the app and has actively used it to “chat” for even just 72 hours, there’s no way he hasn’t received at least two dozen unsolicited dick pics. And maybe some of them *were* solicited, and maybe he even responded to one. Now imagine if instead of 72 hours, he’s had this app for at least 26,280 hours.
I believe in granting grace especially to those we love and trust the most, but never at the expense of one’s own health and happiness. He has at best been sexting with people outside their relationship for a long time, and that alone is a massive betrayal. And had she not confronted him, how long would this have gone on before he told her?
I think the majority of people going to hookup sites and apps go with the intent to hookup, but there are truly those that go with the intent and then fear gets in the way. Fear of repercussions, fear of meeting someone they know, fear of them enjoying it too much, there could be so many reasons. I have chatted with people for several years who talk about hooking up and never do.
I also have pretty much every gay hookup app made installed on my phone and I’ve tried like one of them. I’m on sniffies, almost met up with someone for something other than sex, started texting them, literally as I’m getting off at the transit stop and walking towards their building they ask for a dick pic, k they’re curious, I send them one, then they mention a friend is over is that ok, sure you do you… then starts telling me what their friend is into, I kept walking right on past and stopped replying to their texts. They continue asking me over the next 3 hours what happened, am I coming over, what did they do… really? 🤨
I think it’s reasonable that most people will assume that someone that has made steps towards stepping out that they have, they do, or they will.
But there are those that planned to or want to, but their conscious or their love for their partner gets in the way. That’s wonderful for them, but I still hope that if true, the honesty of OPs man and the divulgence of this curiosity makes them stronger as a couple and who knows
As somebody with a lot of grindr experience I can tell you for a fact 99% of people on there are in the closet and just chatting. I wouldn't jump to he's cheating just because he has grindr installed. Also bisexuals exist. sexuality is a spectrum. If you are into it embrace it and have fun with it. If it repulses you for some reason he's probably not the right one for you.
This is a very important point! Being on Grindr doesn’t necessarily mean he’s cheating and there are lots of bi curious guys who are just chatting.
However, there will be a lot of opportunities there to hookup and it could quickly change from “just chatting” to “hooking up.”
I agree! I don’t know why people are assuming her man is having sex with guys. So many guys on Grindr just chat and get off to pics and see too scared to meet cause they’re DL
Honestly I’d leave him and move on. There are too many gay men pretending to be bi becuase they refuse to accept themselves. Be friends - but you deserve someone who is emotionally available to you. If you let him explore, he might decide not to come back.
being very honest…this is from experience I have had with other men who are on a similar situation. When a person has not had the chance to experiment. It is very hard to stay in a closed relationship. Let me elaborate. Let’s say you and your boyfriend met in 10 years time instead of now. He would have had a lot of time to try the things he is curious about, what he likes and doesn’t. You guys have been together for a while. In age years that a lot of people use to experiment and figure out who they really are. My advice would be to break it off, but that’s just me. I don’t know how open or fluid you are. would you be comfortable letting him experiment on his own while being with him? i probably wouldn’t, would be thinking that he’s going to fall for someone else etc. It’s a tedious situation. Hope i made sense. My inbox is open if you need to talk. But at the end of the day. you know what’s best for you
In many ways I think it is easier for women, I have always been a bit curious about women but it’s never been something I really need to explore, but him on the other hand has homophobic friends and not so open minded family. I know this has been really tough on him. I don’t know if I’ll break it of, he needs at least one friend who is okay whit him being
Curious. I’m okay with mostly everything if he’s being honest with all parties and discuss things with me first. I don’t want to second guess anything.
As an elder gay that's been out for 25 ish years, let me provide you some sage advice. Your bf is opening Pandora's Box. He's now opening himself up to things he's denied and the homophobic friends and closed minded family have contributed to that. He now is feeling comfortable enough to allow himself to feel these things he's denied and hidden.
The challenge with opening that box up is that he's now going to allow himself to explore everything he's kept hidden, both emotionally at first, but likely physically as well. The path that you and him have planned as a couple is part of that closed world he's lived in, and you need to be prepared that what he's going to find out about himself may have him walking a path that isn't fully with you any more.
You sound like a wonderfully good person, you've been non judgmental to him and have given him permission to see this other side to himself. But as this comfort grows about allowing himself to be who he is could very likely result in you being hurt.
You need to really think about your overall relationship here, and whether you are going to be his gf and life partner or whether you are going to be his best friend.
Coming out is a process, and it's even messier and more complicated when unpacking this with a non supportive family and friends. It sounds like you are the only person he's shared this with, and that could be a big burden you carry when you've been romantically involved.
Look, if you wanna stick around I'd advise considering an "only play together" kind of arrangement; at least for the first few years.
Open relationships are fashionable to the point of being the norm in gay men in some places now, but that doesn't mean they're not without their own boundaries.
Monogamy is merely a prescribed set of boundaries that constitutes cheating, but you can negotiate a new set of boundaries with your partner to find the middle ground between security and exploration. These arrangements can vary from 'only together', 'only other couples', 'only anonymous', 'no repeats', 'only when we both find someone', 'only oral'; often a combination thereof.
Depending on what kinds of men catch his eye, approaching and inviting a bisexual man into the bedroom to play with together could allow him to explore while sidestepping the mental stigma (woman involved = not gay etc) and will also allow you to explore yourself.
If you do, I would also recommend that you make a rule that they're not allowed to cum until you have; you make sure you get yours, girl.
Your such a caring person OP. It’s really sweet that you care for him this way. It’s unchartered territory. If it’s too much for you he’s going to have to understand. What are your own limits in terms of the relationship. Personally I can only emotionally stand thressomes with my partner but him with someone else would not be cool. I’d it’s just chatting and him getting his ego massaged by the dudes your cool with them that’s ok too. It’s a trust thing and openness thing.
OP — my love, reddit will always tell you to break up.
and it’s not the worst idea. but you don’t have to break up with him if you don’t want to. a lifetime of fidelity can be a lot to expect from someone, and you’re both very young.
i do think, though, that i would start preparing to talk about opening the relationship. he obviously needs some degree of freedom, and you deserve all the same freedom that he’s entitled to. there are lots of ways to do this — threesomes, private nights out, even polyamorous relationships.
but most importantly, i think you should keep talking about this. don’t let him be weird about it. when you see a guy who you think is hot, make him agree with you. maybe watch porn together. acknowledge that he likes guy; smile a lot; joke about it (gently); and don’t let him act like this needs to be a dirty secret.
Imma be real, take that narrative of “I’m the one” out of your mind, IMO I say break it off because he’s not reciprocating that same mutual respect that you are giving out to him, if he was he would understand that his “itch” would hurt you , cheating is wrong period, and then have the nerve to ask should he stop like sir…you shouldn’t have to ask YOUR GIRLFRIEND should you stop exploring your sexuality in a im assuming a monogamous relationship.
If you truly have self respect for yourself, you know you shouldn’t put up with deceit and cheating, or you putting up with uncomfortableness and worry because your man is out here in the streets
Tbh this happen so much with DL men, where they have hetero relationships but reallly messing with other men until they get caught and then finally come out. And which in turn hurt the female partner because of deceit, break it off and let him find himself
Imo he basically just came out to you, 9/10 if he is on Grindr he is already fucking, either taking or receiving it don’t really matter, the fact is he is CHEATING.
If you really want to stick around for this out of love, then prepare your mental and be ABLE TO extend your trust in the relationship & be prepared to take std and hiv test more, maybe have a conversation about an open relationship sense you still want to stick beside him, and talk to him about taking prep to prevent hiv, being human and a male at that we tend to be very risky.
Just keep an open mind about this situation, at the end he is verbally telling you he wish to explore his sexuality, and by him asking if it’s ok and you not drawing the line if you truelly felt uncomfortable you are allowing it
He likes dick. Leave him .
Also - this has nothing to do with you not being woman enough. You need to find a man who appreciates you as the main course, without dick on the side.
Wtf?!?! Being attracted to men isn't the issue here... He's cheating on you...
It sounds like you would have been pissed if it was a woman, why are you suddenly ok with it?
And "chatting"? Yeah... No. Grindr isn't used for that. It's just a lot of horny gay people.
I'm a gay man, so no homophobia towards him or anything. But like, he went behind your back and is on a dating app... How is that not the bit you're worried about?
You do not need to do the emotional labor of processing HIS sexuality. He’s being unfaithful. If monogamy is what was discussed, it doesn’t matter who he broke that promise with. Handle this however you would handle it if he was on a straight website. This doesn’t impact your womanhood, this is his baggage, not yours. I’m proud to be gay, and I love my partner. If he or I cheated, I wouldn’t be hurt any less or more depending on the gender.
So he doesn’t want to talk about it? Kinda needs to. If he wants the best of both worlds then he has to be honest. Is he having bareback sex? Is he getting testing for STD’s and STI’s? 🤷🏻♂️ Communication has to happen or something terrible could occur. What if you get something and he just doesn’t care?
You need to make it clear. “If you’re gay it’s okay. I will never judge you and we can be friends, I wouldn’t want you to live a lie your whole life. Please be honest with yourself and let me know how you feel.”
If he says he’s gay then you leave and nothing you can do. If he says he’s bi but wants to stay with you then…
“If you stay with me and one day you break up with me because you realize you want to be with a man, I will make your life an absolutely living hell for wasting my time, my youth, and my entire life. I can support you if you’re honest with me right now, that’s okay. I understand you’ve been struggling your whole life with these feelings and they’re hard to process right now, but deep down inside you know the real true of whether you like men or women more. If you f*cking lie to me and tell me you want to be with me yet you end up wanting to be with a man eventually, I will ruin your entire life. I’ll give you a few weeks to give me an answer, and I promise if you end things with me we can be friends. We’re both still young so it’s okay. But please do not lie to me, that is the worst thing you can ever do to me”
This is how I would approach things tbh. Extremely blunt but sometimes that’s what they need to give you a real answer
Let's also not forget that relationships are about commitment and sacrifice. Two truisms come to mind: "you can't always get what you want" and "you can't have your cake and eat it too".
I know the impulse is to have empathy and to try and understand where your partner is coming from and the struggle they're going through. In relationships we make concessions and we create tolerances because we know the other person is making concessions and having tolerance for us. That's true until your health is put at risk through your partners lack of care. It is entirely possible that he's just been chatting and we have to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's been telling you the truth.
But why didn't he tell you before he downloaded the app? Like it's cool that he was honest when confronted but why did you have to confront him? I get that there is shame involved but if his natural impulse is to hide things from you when he is ashamed of them or to not include you when he's embarrassed you have to decide if that's something you're willing to put up with and have tolerance for.
When we make a commitment to someone we make a commitment to them. That's what's expected and that's what commitment actually means. We know that by choosing one partner we are sacrificing the possibilities with all other people but the rewards in the long run are hopefully worth the sacrifice. To have a deep fulfilling connection with one person is something a lot of people look for and a lot of people value. Rare is the situation where someone breaks off a good relationship so they can go and experiment and they actually are better off and happier in the long run. And yes all the trolls will come descending on this comment saying that you need to do you and everyone needs to experiment for days on end with hundreds of people but that is absolutely not true and it's not healthy for many people's mental health. People who think they have this itch to scratch generally find out that - like a mosquito bite- scratching it in the moment might give you satisfaction and relief but it just prolongs the whole mess and soon the scratching doesn't give you relief it just gives you an infection.
Don't listen to all the "drop him like a hot potato" queens. That is yaaaas queen tiktok mentality and it's a slogan - not advice. Ask him to talk to you about it. Like in the best case scenario what does he imagine happening? That he's just going to chat to some guys about some urge he has but never explored further than that? Because that doesn't really sound realistic. I bet the odds are he hasn't actually thought this through. Like he hasn't asked himself these questions about different scenarios. He's just horny probably and impulsively acting without even thinking about whether he wants this or not and what he's choosing between. So help him understand that he is making a choice and have him articulate what the consequences are going to be. Maybe in that discussion you guys come to a place that you both agree that each of you has a hall pass or something who knows but it's better to know all the options in front of you than to just randomly let one partner blindly choose the path you're both going to go down without thinking about it beforehand. Does he want you to be cool with him experimenting... Because it's okay to draw a line in the sand and say that it's not fair for him to go out and basically keep you on the back burner as he looks for other options. Just ask him how he would feel if you said that you just needed to try having sex with other guys to see if you like it better. Cuz that's kind of what he's saying to you which when you rephrase it to him he might realize it's so disrespectful and is crazy to expect that your partner would just have nothing but acceptance and tolerance for Like it's dismissive to you and it's inconsiderate and he needs to decide which slice of cake he wants to eat and which one he is going to say no to. I'm sorry this is a really heart wrenching situation to be in because no one's really wrong but the options don't align with the vision it sounds like you've built for your relationship and that's not a fun place to be. Because now that you know he has these feelings there's no way he's not going to explore them. I mean he might be able to push it off now but in the future it's always going to be on your mind and that's not fair. So either a mini breakup needs to happen and he needs to go find himself for a year or something and you will also need to explore relationships -not necessarily sex if that is not something you want- with other people maybe and see if someone might be a better fit who is more mature and communicative. Best of luck
I can't believe all the horrible attitudes & advice I'm seeing here. This is exactly why bi men have the worst of both worlds, and why he is so hesitant to open up to you about it. Nothing you did OP -- but rather the expectation of the reactions we're seeing here.
A few things for OP to know:
1.) Most time on Grindr is all talk and sexting. There's a certain level of horny, comfort, timing, and trust that's needed for two people to actually meet and it's not easily done. So NO, it doesn't mean he's already hooking up. If anything, curious and DL guys are the least likely to actually meet because of all the fear to themselves (admitting their desires) and others (being found out, etc.).
2.) Let's talk about bi-erasure. Typical attitudes here of "oh honey he's gay it's only a matter of time" and "he will never be satisfied with you." Bisexual men do exist, just like with women. I personally know bisexual men who have been on very LTR's with women, even after having boyfriends and hooking up with guys.
OP - I think you're handing it very well and maturely. Let him explore and find out if there actually is something there with guys whether sexually, emotionally, or both. It's better than finding out later when he felt forced to repress his attractions. I would just make it clear that he should be upfront about any experiences he has to keep things fair and safe for both of you.
Sadly, many men cheat using Grindr. I would 1000% get tested for HIV. Do you always use condoms when you're having sex? Gay men hardly do now. Get tested ASAP. Also, go on [Sniffies.com](http://Sniffies.com) It's a website popular with gay men for hook ups, you don't even need an email to use it. He could be on there, too.
I wish I didn’t have to say this, as it’s only based on my experience with a couple of cheaters - but they don’t change. If they have the desire to have fun behind your back, they’re likely to do it again. As much as this might hurt to hear, it would be way easier to end things now and save yourself a heap of grief in future.
Honey, he went behind your back to use a sex app to go find men. You're not the one. You should leave for the breach of trust. It is, in fact, not ok to do that and being sneaky and going behind your back is, in fact, shameful behavior. The fact that it's same sex shouldn't matter here. Treat this exactly like him doing this with women.
first, at 25 you hardly know if you are the one, let alone with a guy that is still exploring his sexuality, this isn’t mean to be a burn for you, but an eye opener so you proceed as you think will be the best for the rest of your life, since you are planning to marry this guy.
second get and STD test.
as you type it here you gave him a free pass
to “chat” with men on grindr, so be aware that your now boyfriend could be (most likely) receiving not
just text but also explicit pictures and videos and might be sending back the same, this on the best case scenario since hooking up is also on the menu once you are on grindr.
Every time you go out of town or he's out for a while, you'll constantly be wondering if he's getting railed by another man.
He's cheated on you with countless others, doesn't matter if it's a man or woman. He put your life at risk, you didn't sign up for that.
Find someone that treats you better, the cheater will never be trustable again.
If you’re “the one” then you should know that relationships are work. The reason so many gays have open relationships in the first place is because they can separate sex and love. As long as your partner makes you feel like number one then you can absolutely work through this. Complete honesty is key though. It’s difficult at first but it does get easier. Now that cheating’s off the table for us we can really have a balanced marriage. 11 years together here.
We had a long conversation today. He could see it’s been bothering me, but I wouldn’t say it bothers me. More confused and curious. He has always treated me like a princess. Spoiling me and always been doing more than I ask for. I really don’t think he has been with an other man yet, but I think he would some day . Your answer made me a bit more curious tho. If you love someone why isn’t that enough? No shame just curious. Difference between me and him is that I took my time exploring a bit before I got really serious with someone. He’s open for me to be with women (never been all the way with one). For me I can accept like a threesome or something, but I do not understand the need of other sexual partners. Like a one or two times it’s okay to find himself. As he said he think being only us I beautiful and safe. For him threesome is of the table
Get tested for one. Secondly break up with them, it doesn't matter if it's with a man or a women cheating is cheating. If y'all didn't agree to anything open then dump his ass.
I'm currently chatting with a married bloke 26 whose wedding ring appears in the videos he sends of his other ring.
He's desperate to get fucked.
Curious doesn't cut it for me.
He's seen gay porn, what's there to be curious about?
95 percent likely he wants to be a sub, you can take the Dom role here and lay down your terms, he may not like gay sex it in the rinse.
OR he's already shagging other guys.
Then cut and run, just because he's curious, he's a fucking adult you've been with for 4 fucking years, you clearly seem compassionate, why couldn't he in come to you with his fantasy.
Remember you've given him good years, years where you could have been slutting it up or getting a sugar daddy
What's next hiding a body?
He's gonna need permission to explore this and you gotta accept the outcome. Nobody owns anybody. Might be you guys have a great relationship with him being monogamous bi, or not. But I highly recommend you encourage safe exploration so you both know where you stand, without wondering or guessing or denial or anything that is shut down.
I hate to say it but this is realistically the end of your relationship.
He may be bi, he may be exploring, and bless you (genuinely) for supporting that but he's doing shit behind your back and refusing to be honest with you about it. This is the same answer as if it were women, your just hesitant because you probably don't want to be homophobic. Wanting honesty in your relationship isn't homophobic. His refusal to discuss the topic is a massive red flag.
I'm not gonna say you should outright dump him but he isn't respecting the boundaries of your relationship and is hiding things. You deserve better.
Babe it sounds like you don’t wanna leave him and that’s ok but you’re gonna have to get use to the idea of him fucking with another man…. Or leave. It’s pretty simple no in between. You’re always gonna be curious if he’s with a man so for your own sanity I would think it’s best to leave him…. But I could be wrong! Sending you lots of love and positive vibes.
Cheating is cheating. It’s all about how you feel. I do know a couple, as long as the guy doesn’t cheat on her with girls, then she’s fine. That’s their decision together. If that’s not something you’re up to, dump the douche bag and move on.
Break up with his sorry ass. I know it’ll be hard but he’s proven he’s capable of going behind your back. I don’t know about you, but once I get cheated on in any sort of way, I’m fucking done, I’m not gonna be in a relationship where them cheating on me is a valid possibility because of what they’ve already done. It’s not worth the anxiety or stress. A relationship, while there’s bound to always be challenges, at the end of the day is supposed to contribute to your overall peace in life, not add constant stress or anxiety from imagining him with other men. And he doesn’t want to talk about it? FUCK him. He’s the one that went behind your back in the first place. Break. Up. With. His. Ass.
And also, chatting with a guy behind your back because he’s exploring his sexuality IS CHEATING. Just reverse the situation and ask yourself if he’d be okay with you “chatting” with other guys on dating apps behind his back, not saying anything until he confronts you about it. He would have a HUGE problem with that, so don’t let him justify that shit
Whether he’s curious about his sexuality or not, this would be considered cheating. He should have discussed this with you. I’m almost willing to promise you he hasn’t only chatted with me. If you’re not okay with him sleeping with other people regardless of their physical sex, it may be okay that he’s not straight but that doesn’t make it okay for him to be sleeping around behind your back. If he doesn’t want to discuss it; red flag number 2.
Also. PLEASE get yourself tested. People lie on Grindr for a quick hookup all the time.
He’s cheated on you, he’s broken your trust. Doesn’t matter who he’s done it with. If you were in a monogamous relationship, he’s defied that and there’s no excuse.
Find someone who respects you more to spend your life with.
Here is my personal experience. I was in a long term relationship with a woman. She found out I was on Grindr and accepted that and told me it was ok. I was telling her and myself that I could never be in an actual relationship with a guy, I just thought guys were hot. Then I met a man that changed my life. I broke it off with her to be with him at age 29(I had been experimenting since age 25). She was devastated and I still feel bad but I had to be myself. Now him and I have been married for 13 years. Take what you want from that
Now girl…..please be fr right now, that man is fucking other dudes or gettin fucked by them, you could literally be with anyone else who would treat you a million times better get your mind out of this delusional life with him and focus on YOU and getting what you DESERVE
You're 25, you're desirable and you want men. So does he. Hon, if you don't know it already, men can be ...uhm....men. Unless you two are waiting for marriage to have sex, I doubt he is waiting to have (gay) sex.
Bear this in mind. He could be bisexual but he claims to have never acted on it. Well unless he's willing to marry you and swear and promise he will never 'scratch that itch", he's gonna scratch that itch. Repeatedly. If you're ok with being a side piece, stay in board.
Girl he's been cheating on you, who cares if it's with men or women? Stop clinging on this fantasy that you're The One: you're his comfort toy. If you want to make sense of things together with him, don't hesitate to call things by their name when you talk to him. Your man is a cheater. That's your starting point as you start finding out if there's a way forward for you two.
My story… not saying this is his and your story to be. Just mine in a nutshell.
I met a beautiful woman, fell in love, got married, had two kids, finally accepted that I’m gay, and lastly, divorced. It was hard on a lot of people but ultimately needed to happen.
I’m sure you’re a romantic and it’s cute and all but you “ may not be the one”. You may need to wait or move on if he’s trying to discover his sexuality!
It has nothing to do with you and there is nothing you can really do. Other than perhaps taking a step back and having a platonic relationship if anything.
One of my friends doesn’t know her man likes men. She makes the comment here and there about glad she’s with a manly man. I feel bad for him because he can’t be himself. I wish he could have his life with her and just get his urges out with men on the side and it not be a big deal. Maybe see about that or something similar. Food for thought.
If he’s on Grindr, it’s very likely his interactions went beyond just chatting. I would get tested for STDs and re-examine your relationship.
From my own experience, Grindr is FULL of “curious” men who tried to sleep with me without their wives or girlfriends knowing. And sometimes I only found out after we hooked up.
He’s clearly been keeping this a secret for a while. Dig deeper.
You probably should consider moving on. I used to see a guy that got caught on Grindr and he was dating a girl. Didn’t last long after. He obviously hasn’t fully explored his sexuality and as time goes on his urges are going to become stronger. So if you’re not going to break it off I’d say brace yourself cause this isn’t particularly a good thing.
Also by letting him chat you’re essentially giving him a pass that may lead him to a situation where he acts on impulse. If you don’t define your boundaries he’s gonna push them and you’ll get hurt
Would need full disclosure on any hook ups that took place. And full transparency on the conversations going forward. Like new account and if you ask to see he is cool with that. If you can process it and be ok with the past, like which honestly it’s ok if your not ok with him sexually messaging other people is up to yourself, you can stick by him as he finds himself, it’s a confusing situation. You kinda have to process all that information it’s a lot. You can maybe just be like I’m not really sure it’s really unexpected and don’t know what to do with the information. Hiding things from your partner is a bit shady and it’s kind of a trust thing like it can make it harder going forward. You can hang on and see how things go but if your feeling the trust is gone or damaged you will have to step back and make a call.
Have you tried supporting him now knowing that he has different more complicated needs. It could really healthy for a relationship if you have a conversation with him about exploring this part of himself.
In someways it's almost better for you if he is lying. If he's chatting on there with guys and hasn't done anythign yet, then he doesn't yet how much he likes gay sex. If he has done it, and still thinks he might like women, then there's a chance he might yet be happy long term in a straight relationship.
Well, one don't be considered to the point where you think you're so pretty or you're so smart or you're so funny. You're so rich that man is never going to piece of strange in his life. With an open mind. He's great when you rather have an honest whore and a dishonest monogamist. Don't focus so much on what the traditional description of cheating is sit down with man discuss it figure out what your limits are surely to guy there's not a man that's gone by that you didn't wanna fuck as well. So many relationships come to an end because of stupid bullshit like six it's just sex. Does he love you? Does it show that's what counts
Talk about sexual health and risk management, get both of you tested for STIs, set some ground rules if you're okay with the idea of him playing with guys on the side. Your dude is bisexual; it sounds like he's been trying to repress it.
If he won't discuss it, you have bigger problems. Being in a relationship should mean you can discuss intimate things and work as a team. If he won't do that, you might be better suited moving on.
Has he been unfaithful yet? ? ? ? If not, you could help him scratch that age with toys and other things. It becomes big enough that maybe you will be willing to participate in a threesome or he will slowly find his way and you end it now
Well, if you’re the one and he is the one for you then you all should be able to have a conversation about this whether he identifies as bisexual pansexual whatever if he still trying to figure that out, are you OK with being sort of in this open/poly relationship in the meantime?
It sounds like he has an insatiable need for cock that won’t go away, you’ll always be the side piece I fear 😭
He’s probably been blown out for years every pride omg gurl…
Given how difficult it is to get guys on Grindr to actually meet, not just talk about it, there’s a fighting chance that he hasn’t hooked up with anyone. Even if not for a lack of trying.
Be glad you found this out before you got married and had kids. You should definitely put the brakes on things and start working on being ok with the very strong likelyhood that he's isn't the one. This curiousity almost ALWAYS leads to more than curiousity. I'm bi married guy and I know how this goes.
lots of people saying he must be hooking up with guys, but idk if that’s true. i use grindr regularly mainly just for sexting. i don’t really like hooking up with random guys from the internet. he really could just be flirting or sexting. it is up to you to determine whether or not that is cheating and what that means for your relationship.
Sorry to hear this for you 💗 sounds really tough. Don’t let the gender of the people he’s talking to cloud your perspective of the situation. It sounds like being on a dating app, regardless of the kind, is a violation of your relationship and a damaging of your trust. Try to parse out the things you’re actually upset about, it’s likely not the gay piece (and don’t let your fear of coming across as homophobic affect how u share your feelings)
There are a lot of str8 guys on there just to feed their egos. Every str8 bartender I work with is on there because it increases their tips. Just ask him. And get tested anyway.
It's a hook up site if he's with you. He should stay off of it if he's curious. He should not be with you and then go find his curiosity. You can't have both unless you want that in your relationship. If you continue to let it happen in the end, you will get severely hurt.. Stop your foot down and tell him no.. That site ruined my relationship with my previous boyfriend. I lost complete trust in him and once you do that, it's so hard to get it back. I can tell you. It would never return after the fact that that happened and it was five years after before we broke up..
The best I can give you on a forum like this is to appreciate that you know this person and have a great deal more context than anybody on here who’ll tell you confidently to act one way or another. It’s up to you to decide how to proceed, but just be wary of everyone here “confirming” that he’s cheating or whatever. We don’t know, but you can. If you want the truth from him then you can either go the stalker route and find out, or you can do what it seems like you’ve started to do which is make him comfortable sharing the truth. There are plenty of guys on Grindr who chat with no intention of meeting up, and especially the “straight” ones. How you proceed is up to you, but it seems like he has some desire to explore this. You might have to have many conversations about this with him, but communication—as always—is key. Set your boundaries, define cheating, discuss ways that you can be sure he doesn’t break those boundaries or cheat. Regardless of his interest in men, you need to address the lying and him hiding this from you. During these talks make sure he has a voice, too. If you just impose restrictions on him you’ll alienate him and just make it that much more likely that he DOES cheat. Just try to keep your composure, and keep your head held high.
If his being on Grindr and hooking up with men is not compatible with the life you want with him, then you need to let him go. Make him figure himself out on his time, not on yours.
Even if he apologizes and says he’ll stop it, etc. this will almost certainly not last. He will get comfortable again and then want to start exploring.
It’s great that you affirm his sexuality and accept him as a person. It doesn’t sound like he knows enough about himself to commit to you though.
Come on every one knows why Grindr is meant for. If ur partner no matter who, is using it to explore their Sexuality, it means that they aren't loving u enough or ur relationship isn't working out. Being in a relationship if ur partner is using any dating applications it means that they are straight of trying to cheat or get someone new either for romantic or sexual relationship.
It's better to just break up. I (M20) broke up with my boyfriend for the same reason too. Sexuality really doesn't matter if they are dating you. He can't explore while being in a relationship it's straight off cheating.
You need to talk it out or just take a break for him to explore his Sexuality and come back to u or just end it up for once and good for both.
If you talked with my ex-wife, Who I originally came out too in a similar way, she'd quickly tell you the same as she was advised. " get out now and forget him". That didn't happen, and we went through hard times until I finally stopped the stupidity. I have always regretted that I put her through that hurt. I have had to live with that ever since. So either you or him need to draw a solid line. Otherwise, you'll both get hurt.
Make sure you have all your bases check off, as make sure he's also not on Sniffies.com and scruff as those are like grinder on steroids, its more unsafe and just not worth having your health at risk,due to his Curiositys. Sending you strength and support as you are faced with navigation through this challenge.
if the relationship isnt open, he's cheating on you
if you dont want to leave, then discuss opening the relationship or letting him test if he's bi or something
You went all these years without knowing? Which is probably why he is cheating…you don’t know him l, says a lot about your involvement in his life. If you are involved you might be a very naïve person.
You have to decide if you're ok with him experimenting and banging guys while in a relationship or if he has to deprive himself of that for the rest of his life
As a Bi dude, I'd say simply at some point that ich is gonna get scratched. Whether or not he shares that with you is a different story. At minimum, I suggest you just get yourself checked regularly. Also, if you don't use protection, you probably should start. This is less about grinder and more about the very real possibility that you two will not be sexually monogamous. Finally, while he fessed up once confronted about the situation, he still had to be confronted and did not come to you on his own. From my point of view, that is a bit problematic. Take it from me as a bi man that meets a lot of bi, straight, and curious men, At some point the chatting will end, the curiosity will be unbearable for him, and he is gonna act. The question will be, does he do it once, and that's it? Or if not once, how frequently. At the end of the day, this is more about you than it is him. You've gotta decide how much, if at all, of this side action you're willing to live with in your relationship. I wish you and him the best of luck, no matter what you decide.
I know it's something you don't want to think about but if you want to make it work with him give him a hallpass but don't allow him to abuse that and don't be left looking stupid. You take advantage of a hallpass as well and date/hookup yourself it's only fair, I mean he already messed up by leaving you with that image, give him something to have an image of too. Otherwise maybe consider trying a 3 some with another man. But again don't let him take advantage because for the most part he will. Or else just let him go, now that You've made it "okay" he's going to do it all the time just to be honest. So stand your ground and be prepared. Most bi or "bi curious" men always come out later to be gayer than what they want to accept themselves, society just puts it in peoples heads that it's wrong or that they Truth is you both deserve to be happy and if you can't find that happiness with each other than you need to let go or you'll just both be stuck in the same cycle your entire relationship and it will get tiring believe me. I mean hey you's can always turn your relationship into a best friendship. If I was a girl honestly id be the one to love to have a gay best friend. But everyone is different.
You need to be forthcoming with your reservations. And he needs to be open about this since you two are in a relationship. Wanting to explore your sexuality is no excuse for leaving your partner in the dark. You two need to sit down and hash this out regardless of how difficult it is. Grindr is for hookups that can, sometimes, become more. While he might just be talking, there is a better chance he has done more. And because he doesn’t want to talk about it, it seems suspicious. However it could just be he is afraid to talk. Depending on how he was raised he could have a lot of deep seated homophobia that’s making him afraid to open up. You both need to be open and honest with each other. Explain your boundaries to each other and find out what he’s wanting from this. I wish you luck. I hope you’re both able to figure this out honestly and work everything out.
Do some self reflection on what YOU want.
You may love him and want to stay with him,
but you need to know where you stand with yourself.
What are your own core values?
Are you interested in exploring with him?
What do you want the end game to be for you?
You can still love and support him but don’t sacrifice your own wants and needs for his benefit.
It’s an unfortunate situation, but at least you’re only 25. My heart aches for the women who find out at the age of 50 that their husband of 20 years, and the father of their children, is gay. Be thankful you found out earlier. Best wishes.
He is disrespecting you plain and simple. You deserve someone who will fully give themselves to you. Don’t settle for broken promises and lies. It’s not worth your mental health. Trust me.
Mary…. The call is coming from inside the house. You are his beard. Leave get out right now. We love you but don’t waste your life. Even if he is bi or something, he’s cheating on you
Whether he is straight, gay, or bi, he is acting disrespectful to his partner. His sexuality is not the issue. His lavk of honesty and unwillingness to communicate are the real issue.
Ugh, just pause for a sec and think of the gender-reversed situation. What if a man finds out his fiancee is considering dating women?
Half the guys would prolly go "yikes" and break up, the others would without a doubt go "hell yeah!" 🤪 Coz they'd be daydreaming about threesomes with two girls already.
I mean, if you don't want to break up, why not adopt this "hell yeah" mindset (and maybe get a strap-on)?
Conversely, if this hell-yeah mindset seems silly and unacceptable to you (as it is to most women ig), it'll probably bring you more peace of mind to just break up, clean the slate, and start afresh.
I do agree with one previous comment that it's disrespectful to either parties when one attempts to date new people while still in a relationship, regardless of gender. If he wasn't planning (or refused to consider the possibility) to get emotionally/romantically entangled with someone new, then you trying out anal and/or pegging plays should meet all his need. In reverse, if he's not satisfied with just anal/pegging plays with you, it's a good sign for you to consider a breakup, because he's ready to be romantically involved with others, aka cheat.
Men’s sexuality is so different from women
And when I get to know 100%, heterosexual men and 100% gay man, it is astonishing what you find
With 100% gay man you find in many cases, they often hint that sex with women disgust them, but when you dig down, you find nearly all have had sex with women
when you ask them why they’ve virtually all give the same answer they were very fond of the woman and things got out of hand and went too far
With 100% heterosexual man, they all seem to have watched gay porn
And when you ask them why they just say curiosity
So I wouldn’t worry that your partners behaviour is abnormal because it’s pretty typical
The problem is, if the curiosity turns to action generally the vast majority of women do not want to share their partner, sexually with a man
The best advice is to try to understand your partners needs, which may not be easy
Recently on this site, a woman is worried that her partner would masturbate quite a lot, although having regular sex with her
Again, not unusual, and often they don’t want to bother their partner if they think she’s not in the mood, and of course, a lot of women,ration sex specially when they’re older, and they’re really not interested
Get tested for STDs.
"it has been an itch that has constantly been itching since he was around 18 yrs"... O_O
All of them.
Fuck yes this part get tested no one lies quicker then a fuck boi on grindr
WOO-WOW!!! Outstanding response!! More importantly, get tested for HIV too!!! Sorry OP. Hope you do what's best for you.
"Little miss UTI"
#1
You really shouldn’t live by advice in a random subreddit, especially one occupied by many traumatized and often confused people struggling to sort out their own situations. Nobody in this sub can tell you what your boyfriend’s sexuality is, whether he’s cheating on you, what kind of relationship you should have, whether a relationship with him is viable, or what he’s doing on Grindr. Please ignore any advice that speculates about any such thing. Anecdotal analogizing is entertaining but ultimately worthless. Autonomy is the name of the game. You each get to define your own sexuality, and the two of you together get to define your relationship. The only advice you need is to talk to each other lovingly and openly to figure out what works FOR YOU. Learning about human sexuality and relationship models might be helpful, but don’t rely on social media for this. Talk to professionals and/or read reputable books. If open and loving dialog isn’t possible, or you can’t reach agreement about what works for your relationship, you have to decide for yourself what to do about it, based on your own situation, experience, and intuition, which is all exclusive to you. Good luck!
Thissss 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Preach! All these people with the get tested! Everyone should get tested no matter the sexuality or gender. But that’s just stating the obvious.
Well especially now that she found out that her boyfriend is likely cheating on her with men, she should get tested. It’s truly not a bad idea.
Yeah talk to a professional maybe you can become a throuple. That totally works out
First, let's just state the obvious. Your man is having sex with other people who are not you and the fact that they are men does not change that. If this makes you uncomfortable (which it seems it does) you are 100% within your right to ask him to stop. You do not owe it to him to allow his exploring of his sexuality. If you are more worried that he may form an emotional bond with one of these men: Grinder is very much a hookup site, but there is always the chance of it turning into something else.
This is a really nice answer, but I'd like to add that he should have communicated his urges to you, and in all likelihood, "chatting" is not the only thing he's done... Get an std test and decide if you want to give him another chance, it's up to you but the lack of communication can really kill a relationship.
Just because he chatted doesn't mean he cheated... 🙄 But my guess is it's likely since he has an itch.
Ah yes he’s totally going onto Grindr to just “chat.” 😂
Well considering how many on there flake out, I would say a good portion are actually just there to chat. LMFAO
Tbf, this is true. Never met so many flakes all together in one place before Grindr.
I’m one of the flakes. Just get bored sometimes 🤣
"wuu2?" "nm u?" "same" "u hrny?" "yh" "me 2" "wuu2?" "still nm" "ok" "... u accom?" "no hbu?" "no" "ok" "wat u wanna do?" I want to leave this conversation now, thanks. That's what every interaction on Grindr feels like
Yeah. My ex used that excuse. He would drink till he passed out and one time he passed out with his phone unlocked. He had profiles on multiple sites. When I confronted him about it he claimed he was just chatting...
that doesn't mean everyone on grindr is 100% there to have sex. some people *are* there just to talk to other people. they may be the minority but they still exist.
Idk why this seems like a foreign concept to people. There are countless posts about people complaining about flakes and guys who waste time on grindr just chatting. I'm not saying that just chatting doesn't make it not cheating, but to say if he's on grindr, he's 100% hooking up isn't anywhere close to being true.
honestly, people are just cynical or sex obsessed. not everyone is horny all the time, or even want sex if they are horny.
I don't know about this population you speak of but I never met anyone on a hookup app that just wanted to chat. In my ex's case I did have to ask if chatting meant sending nudes and arranging hookups.
umm, yeah, there are people who just want to chat. In fact, i've seen them put that in their profiles "I'm just here to chat" I've also had some tell me in DMs that they are just there to chat, when I ask what are they looking for/into. Strange, but they are there. I don't get it, but, whatevs.
I think it usually takes the form of people who always flake. They're there cause they like the idea of acting on it, or enjoy dirty talk, but for one reason or another they never actually go through with it. Some chicken out, others never had any intention of going through with it in the first place. That aside, in the case of Grindr specifically, for a *long* time it was basically the only way to find other gays if you didn't have access to/didn't want to go to gay bars and the like, so quite a few guys used it just to connect with others like them.
Well since you had a good snoop, did you find evidence that he wasn't just chatting?
Yep. See my other reply in the thread.
Maybe he was looking for "deep" conversation.
[deceased](https://tenor.com/view/laugh-rupaul-snl-hysterical-hahaha-gif-16354826)
Crazy to think that just because one person's a slut another isn't. Dude's curious and Grindr's great for cheap horny ho's to talk dick sucking and so on. Dick pics & quick chats about cock. Doesn't mean he's hooked up.
Still doesn’t make it better. If you’re sending dick pics to others behind your wife’s back, it’s cheating. If a man sends a dick pic to a woman, it’s cheating; if he’s a man, it’s just a “quick chat bout cock”? LMAO
Has nothing to do with gender. But honestly, I've never sent a pic, so I was thinking from the perspective of him never sending one. I could see someone feeling betrayed if he sent one... let down maybe. I don't consider that cheating, just underhanded... deceitful. It could weaken the trust, but if honest about it, shouldn't break the trust.
I mean, it’s always possible. That said, I say this as a gay man who had people I hooked up with. So, there were some people who I just chatted to. But I was still hooking up with other people, so…
actually alot of people go on there to just chat. including me.
Saying that guys go on Grindr to “chat” is like saying that people go to McDonald’s to just “look at the menu”. It’s so ridiculous. Dudes are there for one reason, and one reason only.
Yep... I chatted with several & met my hubby there. What's your reason?
I would argue chatting on Grindr without explicit permission is cheating
I would argue that it in no way is cheating...
You presume she's not ok with him exploring.
Let’s be honest about the chances that emotional bond happens tho
Yeah, I fell in love with a dude off of scruff during an open marriage with my husband, so…. Definitely something to be aware of….. shwooops
Gurllllll!!! Your man is not just chatting but he is hooking up with them as well. Dump his asss and move on … “ I’m the one” more like you’re his plus one. Remember you’re only 25 and you can always fall in love. GET RID OF HIM. Unless you want an open relationship.
👏🏻All. 👏🏻Of. 👏🏻This. ⤴️ I would also add: If you didn't get them already, get your vaccinations for HPV (especially important for women!), Hep A&B, Monkeypox (if you can), and get on pREp, ASAP.
Asap!!!
If he hooked up more than 3 times - it’s not a “curiosity” anymore
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This has big “men can’t be bi” vibes
Except bi guys exist and this guy sounds like a bi guy, not a gay guy pretending to be straight
This just sounds like a DL gay man... he's bicurious. If he says he likes women, let's just take it at face value 🙄
Being bi doesn't necessarily mean being equally attracted to men and women.
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Oh no, my love of dick is going to take over my life and make me a cheater. Let me go break up with my girlfriend then before it’s too late.
I mean... that's sounds exactly like what's happening here.
Like people said, he’s not just chatting. Grindr is not a good place to chat it’s a place to get dick pics out of nowhere. Even if he did only chat it’s a matter of time before he’s too horny and will sneak or “stay at work late”. I would recommend doing STD and HIV tests because usually first timers are too naive to think about protection. Lastly, If he’s exploring himself right now I think it would be smart to end the relationship. He will eventually want to try and date or have sex with man and it would hurt you a lot more because he would this time break your trust after giving you a promise. It’s a sucky situation and I’m so sorry but you should not be naive about it. I met and slept with a quite few men who told me in the middle or after that they have a GF.
I'm sorry girl, but I think you deserve more than this, I understand that you love him, but this is a serious and necessary conversation that both of you should have, since it seems that you have plans for the future.
He’s probably just bisexual & is genuine in his love & desire for you. He probably has a sexual itch that can only be met by men. Ask or discern if he’s a top, bottom (pitching or catching) or both. If he likes to bottom you may be able to meet his needs by experimenting with you being more dominant & taking the lead or maybe pegging him (using a strap on). Some bi men like to be the submissive but it’s rare to find a woman who’s naturally dominant (due to evo psych). Otherwise if that or other solutions can’t satisfy him maybe you should discuss allowing him to seek satisfaction for his male attracted side with another person(it’s unclear if you’re ok with this) while still being romantically & sexually devoted to you. Maybe encourage him to have a main squeeze/friend with benefits that you are both comfortable with. This would reduce the risk of STDs & maybe allow you to trust that fwb more & develop a friendship with them. A must would be to ensure that you & him are engaging in safe sexual practices. You both should do std tests (they’re provided for free by my state of Arkansas). He should be wearing a condom & or taking prep (a drug that prevents/greatly reduces the risk if contracting HIV). Maybe he should also get vaccinated for monkeypox as well. This comes from the perspective of a sort of bisexual man (I greatly prefer men & don’t go after girls). There are a lot of discrete guys who go behind their female significant other’s back. They suck & are flaky. I think openness is best for all parties involved. That’s just my ¢2.
THIS is the correct answer, not all the bitches coming on here saying she should break up with him. It is clear that she accepts him being bi-curious and wants to stay with him
Yeah, though OP has likely already left the thread so it falls on deaf ears.
I mean to be fair she is still convinced that he's not going to stick with dudes and thus is allowed to chat with them. What about if he wants more, what's the plan and what's allowed? What if in fact she is sorely mistaken and is actually sadly not his "The One"? He may be bi-curious, he may be bi or even gay. I don't want to jinx the poor lass but I feel she probably needs to start thinking about the alternatives here...
Such a good response. But I think the idea of pegging him solving his curiosity would be equal to saying if a girl likes dick then throw her a vibe and she good. It might satisfy for now but he may still need the 5 senses in the flesh. Love your username by the way, I’m just so curious as to which of the so many ways it can be taken is what is meant. I’ll pretend it’s my vision of never ending calamari or meatballs and a table with a river of marinara flowing through it… or it might be random like mine and mean nothing. I prefer the calamari. That is my truth.
Yeah, idk much abt women so this whole thing was just off the cuff. Take it with a grain of salt & yeah strap-in’s aren’t a replacement but it ties in with him maybe wanting dominance in a partner. My username is like the Mariana Trench (deepest point in the ocean) but nobody’s used my variation on most sites.
He has cheated on you in the past, that is going to continue. Do not risk your health. It doesn't really matter that he is going through something, he is having sex with other people and that creates an sti risk for you.
> He has cheated on you in the past, that is going to continue. Not trying to argue, I am just confused. How do you know this, did OP write about a history of cheating somewhere?
Op says the boyfriend has admitted to talking to men on grindr. I feel comfortable extrapolating he has been having sex with men, because it's not a conversation app. Also because this is an ongoing thing for him for over 6 years. Plenty of men "identify as straight" for various ideological and practical reasons, that is why the medical term MSM, men who have sex with men, exists. I don't blame the bf, homophobia drives people to this sort of behaviour, but it is still in op's best interest to exit the relationship. I could be wrong, it's just my read on what is going on.
Thank you honestly for explaining. I have autism, and these kinds of social cues are sometimes invisible to me no matter how much I think about it. I am really just trying to understand what other people see, think, and feel. It all feels alien to me, and sometimes I feel dumber than a rock just for existing. I need hints and tips like this now and then, LOL!
It can be hard to explain without experiencing it firsthand, but unless someone lives in the sticks, opening Grindr is like a dam breaking. If he’s had the app and has actively used it to “chat” for even just 72 hours, there’s no way he hasn’t received at least two dozen unsolicited dick pics. And maybe some of them *were* solicited, and maybe he even responded to one. Now imagine if instead of 72 hours, he’s had this app for at least 26,280 hours. I believe in granting grace especially to those we love and trust the most, but never at the expense of one’s own health and happiness. He has at best been sexting with people outside their relationship for a long time, and that alone is a massive betrayal. And had she not confronted him, how long would this have gone on before he told her?
I think the majority of people going to hookup sites and apps go with the intent to hookup, but there are truly those that go with the intent and then fear gets in the way. Fear of repercussions, fear of meeting someone they know, fear of them enjoying it too much, there could be so many reasons. I have chatted with people for several years who talk about hooking up and never do. I also have pretty much every gay hookup app made installed on my phone and I’ve tried like one of them. I’m on sniffies, almost met up with someone for something other than sex, started texting them, literally as I’m getting off at the transit stop and walking towards their building they ask for a dick pic, k they’re curious, I send them one, then they mention a friend is over is that ok, sure you do you… then starts telling me what their friend is into, I kept walking right on past and stopped replying to their texts. They continue asking me over the next 3 hours what happened, am I coming over, what did they do… really? 🤨 I think it’s reasonable that most people will assume that someone that has made steps towards stepping out that they have, they do, or they will. But there are those that planned to or want to, but their conscious or their love for their partner gets in the way. That’s wonderful for them, but I still hope that if true, the honesty of OPs man and the divulgence of this curiosity makes them stronger as a couple and who knows
As somebody with a lot of grindr experience I can tell you for a fact 99% of people on there are in the closet and just chatting. I wouldn't jump to he's cheating just because he has grindr installed. Also bisexuals exist. sexuality is a spectrum. If you are into it embrace it and have fun with it. If it repulses you for some reason he's probably not the right one for you.
This is a very important point! Being on Grindr doesn’t necessarily mean he’s cheating and there are lots of bi curious guys who are just chatting. However, there will be a lot of opportunities there to hookup and it could quickly change from “just chatting” to “hooking up.”
I agree! I don’t know why people are assuming her man is having sex with guys. So many guys on Grindr just chat and get off to pics and see too scared to meet cause they’re DL
You and me are on a different Grindr 💀💀💀
He’s for the streets
Honestly I’d leave him and move on. There are too many gay men pretending to be bi becuase they refuse to accept themselves. Be friends - but you deserve someone who is emotionally available to you. If you let him explore, he might decide not to come back.
Run girl. Run.
being very honest…this is from experience I have had with other men who are on a similar situation. When a person has not had the chance to experiment. It is very hard to stay in a closed relationship. Let me elaborate. Let’s say you and your boyfriend met in 10 years time instead of now. He would have had a lot of time to try the things he is curious about, what he likes and doesn’t. You guys have been together for a while. In age years that a lot of people use to experiment and figure out who they really are. My advice would be to break it off, but that’s just me. I don’t know how open or fluid you are. would you be comfortable letting him experiment on his own while being with him? i probably wouldn’t, would be thinking that he’s going to fall for someone else etc. It’s a tedious situation. Hope i made sense. My inbox is open if you need to talk. But at the end of the day. you know what’s best for you
In many ways I think it is easier for women, I have always been a bit curious about women but it’s never been something I really need to explore, but him on the other hand has homophobic friends and not so open minded family. I know this has been really tough on him. I don’t know if I’ll break it of, he needs at least one friend who is okay whit him being Curious. I’m okay with mostly everything if he’s being honest with all parties and discuss things with me first. I don’t want to second guess anything.
As an elder gay that's been out for 25 ish years, let me provide you some sage advice. Your bf is opening Pandora's Box. He's now opening himself up to things he's denied and the homophobic friends and closed minded family have contributed to that. He now is feeling comfortable enough to allow himself to feel these things he's denied and hidden. The challenge with opening that box up is that he's now going to allow himself to explore everything he's kept hidden, both emotionally at first, but likely physically as well. The path that you and him have planned as a couple is part of that closed world he's lived in, and you need to be prepared that what he's going to find out about himself may have him walking a path that isn't fully with you any more. You sound like a wonderfully good person, you've been non judgmental to him and have given him permission to see this other side to himself. But as this comfort grows about allowing himself to be who he is could very likely result in you being hurt. You need to really think about your overall relationship here, and whether you are going to be his gf and life partner or whether you are going to be his best friend. Coming out is a process, and it's even messier and more complicated when unpacking this with a non supportive family and friends. It sounds like you are the only person he's shared this with, and that could be a big burden you carry when you've been romantically involved.
Look, if you wanna stick around I'd advise considering an "only play together" kind of arrangement; at least for the first few years. Open relationships are fashionable to the point of being the norm in gay men in some places now, but that doesn't mean they're not without their own boundaries. Monogamy is merely a prescribed set of boundaries that constitutes cheating, but you can negotiate a new set of boundaries with your partner to find the middle ground between security and exploration. These arrangements can vary from 'only together', 'only other couples', 'only anonymous', 'no repeats', 'only when we both find someone', 'only oral'; often a combination thereof. Depending on what kinds of men catch his eye, approaching and inviting a bisexual man into the bedroom to play with together could allow him to explore while sidestepping the mental stigma (woman involved = not gay etc) and will also allow you to explore yourself. If you do, I would also recommend that you make a rule that they're not allowed to cum until you have; you make sure you get yours, girl.
Your such a caring person OP. It’s really sweet that you care for him this way. It’s unchartered territory. If it’s too much for you he’s going to have to understand. What are your own limits in terms of the relationship. Personally I can only emotionally stand thressomes with my partner but him with someone else would not be cool. I’d it’s just chatting and him getting his ego massaged by the dudes your cool with them that’s ok too. It’s a trust thing and openness thing.
OP — my love, reddit will always tell you to break up. and it’s not the worst idea. but you don’t have to break up with him if you don’t want to. a lifetime of fidelity can be a lot to expect from someone, and you’re both very young. i do think, though, that i would start preparing to talk about opening the relationship. he obviously needs some degree of freedom, and you deserve all the same freedom that he’s entitled to. there are lots of ways to do this — threesomes, private nights out, even polyamorous relationships. but most importantly, i think you should keep talking about this. don’t let him be weird about it. when you see a guy who you think is hot, make him agree with you. maybe watch porn together. acknowledge that he likes guy; smile a lot; joke about it (gently); and don’t let him act like this needs to be a dirty secret.
Imma be real, take that narrative of “I’m the one” out of your mind, IMO I say break it off because he’s not reciprocating that same mutual respect that you are giving out to him, if he was he would understand that his “itch” would hurt you , cheating is wrong period, and then have the nerve to ask should he stop like sir…you shouldn’t have to ask YOUR GIRLFRIEND should you stop exploring your sexuality in a im assuming a monogamous relationship. If you truly have self respect for yourself, you know you shouldn’t put up with deceit and cheating, or you putting up with uncomfortableness and worry because your man is out here in the streets Tbh this happen so much with DL men, where they have hetero relationships but reallly messing with other men until they get caught and then finally come out. And which in turn hurt the female partner because of deceit, break it off and let him find himself Imo he basically just came out to you, 9/10 if he is on Grindr he is already fucking, either taking or receiving it don’t really matter, the fact is he is CHEATING. If you really want to stick around for this out of love, then prepare your mental and be ABLE TO extend your trust in the relationship & be prepared to take std and hiv test more, maybe have a conversation about an open relationship sense you still want to stick beside him, and talk to him about taking prep to prevent hiv, being human and a male at that we tend to be very risky. Just keep an open mind about this situation, at the end he is verbally telling you he wish to explore his sexuality, and by him asking if it’s ok and you not drawing the line if you truelly felt uncomfortable you are allowing it
He likes dick. Leave him . Also - this has nothing to do with you not being woman enough. You need to find a man who appreciates you as the main course, without dick on the side.
Wtf?!?! Being attracted to men isn't the issue here... He's cheating on you... It sounds like you would have been pissed if it was a woman, why are you suddenly ok with it? And "chatting"? Yeah... No. Grindr isn't used for that. It's just a lot of horny gay people. I'm a gay man, so no homophobia towards him or anything. But like, he went behind your back and is on a dating app... How is that not the bit you're worried about?
You do not need to do the emotional labor of processing HIS sexuality. He’s being unfaithful. If monogamy is what was discussed, it doesn’t matter who he broke that promise with. Handle this however you would handle it if he was on a straight website. This doesn’t impact your womanhood, this is his baggage, not yours. I’m proud to be gay, and I love my partner. If he or I cheated, I wouldn’t be hurt any less or more depending on the gender.
So he doesn’t want to talk about it? Kinda needs to. If he wants the best of both worlds then he has to be honest. Is he having bareback sex? Is he getting testing for STD’s and STI’s? 🤷🏻♂️ Communication has to happen or something terrible could occur. What if you get something and he just doesn’t care?
You need to make it clear. “If you’re gay it’s okay. I will never judge you and we can be friends, I wouldn’t want you to live a lie your whole life. Please be honest with yourself and let me know how you feel.” If he says he’s gay then you leave and nothing you can do. If he says he’s bi but wants to stay with you then… “If you stay with me and one day you break up with me because you realize you want to be with a man, I will make your life an absolutely living hell for wasting my time, my youth, and my entire life. I can support you if you’re honest with me right now, that’s okay. I understand you’ve been struggling your whole life with these feelings and they’re hard to process right now, but deep down inside you know the real true of whether you like men or women more. If you f*cking lie to me and tell me you want to be with me yet you end up wanting to be with a man eventually, I will ruin your entire life. I’ll give you a few weeks to give me an answer, and I promise if you end things with me we can be friends. We’re both still young so it’s okay. But please do not lie to me, that is the worst thing you can ever do to me” This is how I would approach things tbh. Extremely blunt but sometimes that’s what they need to give you a real answer
Let's also not forget that relationships are about commitment and sacrifice. Two truisms come to mind: "you can't always get what you want" and "you can't have your cake and eat it too". I know the impulse is to have empathy and to try and understand where your partner is coming from and the struggle they're going through. In relationships we make concessions and we create tolerances because we know the other person is making concessions and having tolerance for us. That's true until your health is put at risk through your partners lack of care. It is entirely possible that he's just been chatting and we have to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's been telling you the truth. But why didn't he tell you before he downloaded the app? Like it's cool that he was honest when confronted but why did you have to confront him? I get that there is shame involved but if his natural impulse is to hide things from you when he is ashamed of them or to not include you when he's embarrassed you have to decide if that's something you're willing to put up with and have tolerance for. When we make a commitment to someone we make a commitment to them. That's what's expected and that's what commitment actually means. We know that by choosing one partner we are sacrificing the possibilities with all other people but the rewards in the long run are hopefully worth the sacrifice. To have a deep fulfilling connection with one person is something a lot of people look for and a lot of people value. Rare is the situation where someone breaks off a good relationship so they can go and experiment and they actually are better off and happier in the long run. And yes all the trolls will come descending on this comment saying that you need to do you and everyone needs to experiment for days on end with hundreds of people but that is absolutely not true and it's not healthy for many people's mental health. People who think they have this itch to scratch generally find out that - like a mosquito bite- scratching it in the moment might give you satisfaction and relief but it just prolongs the whole mess and soon the scratching doesn't give you relief it just gives you an infection. Don't listen to all the "drop him like a hot potato" queens. That is yaaaas queen tiktok mentality and it's a slogan - not advice. Ask him to talk to you about it. Like in the best case scenario what does he imagine happening? That he's just going to chat to some guys about some urge he has but never explored further than that? Because that doesn't really sound realistic. I bet the odds are he hasn't actually thought this through. Like he hasn't asked himself these questions about different scenarios. He's just horny probably and impulsively acting without even thinking about whether he wants this or not and what he's choosing between. So help him understand that he is making a choice and have him articulate what the consequences are going to be. Maybe in that discussion you guys come to a place that you both agree that each of you has a hall pass or something who knows but it's better to know all the options in front of you than to just randomly let one partner blindly choose the path you're both going to go down without thinking about it beforehand. Does he want you to be cool with him experimenting... Because it's okay to draw a line in the sand and say that it's not fair for him to go out and basically keep you on the back burner as he looks for other options. Just ask him how he would feel if you said that you just needed to try having sex with other guys to see if you like it better. Cuz that's kind of what he's saying to you which when you rephrase it to him he might realize it's so disrespectful and is crazy to expect that your partner would just have nothing but acceptance and tolerance for Like it's dismissive to you and it's inconsiderate and he needs to decide which slice of cake he wants to eat and which one he is going to say no to. I'm sorry this is a really heart wrenching situation to be in because no one's really wrong but the options don't align with the vision it sounds like you've built for your relationship and that's not a fun place to be. Because now that you know he has these feelings there's no way he's not going to explore them. I mean he might be able to push it off now but in the future it's always going to be on your mind and that's not fair. So either a mini breakup needs to happen and he needs to go find himself for a year or something and you will also need to explore relationships -not necessarily sex if that is not something you want- with other people maybe and see if someone might be a better fit who is more mature and communicative. Best of luck
I can't believe all the horrible attitudes & advice I'm seeing here. This is exactly why bi men have the worst of both worlds, and why he is so hesitant to open up to you about it. Nothing you did OP -- but rather the expectation of the reactions we're seeing here. A few things for OP to know: 1.) Most time on Grindr is all talk and sexting. There's a certain level of horny, comfort, timing, and trust that's needed for two people to actually meet and it's not easily done. So NO, it doesn't mean he's already hooking up. If anything, curious and DL guys are the least likely to actually meet because of all the fear to themselves (admitting their desires) and others (being found out, etc.). 2.) Let's talk about bi-erasure. Typical attitudes here of "oh honey he's gay it's only a matter of time" and "he will never be satisfied with you." Bisexual men do exist, just like with women. I personally know bisexual men who have been on very LTR's with women, even after having boyfriends and hooking up with guys. OP - I think you're handing it very well and maturely. Let him explore and find out if there actually is something there with guys whether sexually, emotionally, or both. It's better than finding out later when he felt forced to repress his attractions. I would just make it clear that he should be upfront about any experiences he has to keep things fair and safe for both of you.
Sadly, many men cheat using Grindr. I would 1000% get tested for HIV. Do you always use condoms when you're having sex? Gay men hardly do now. Get tested ASAP. Also, go on [Sniffies.com](http://Sniffies.com) It's a website popular with gay men for hook ups, you don't even need an email to use it. He could be on there, too.
Likely place for him to be….
I wish I didn’t have to say this, as it’s only based on my experience with a couple of cheaters - but they don’t change. If they have the desire to have fun behind your back, they’re likely to do it again. As much as this might hurt to hear, it would be way easier to end things now and save yourself a heap of grief in future.
Some guy the other day posted about his GF finding grindr on his phone. Wonder if you are his GF.
Get tested and leave him.
Honey, he went behind your back to use a sex app to go find men. You're not the one. You should leave for the breach of trust. It is, in fact, not ok to do that and being sneaky and going behind your back is, in fact, shameful behavior. The fact that it's same sex shouldn't matter here. Treat this exactly like him doing this with women.
first, at 25 you hardly know if you are the one, let alone with a guy that is still exploring his sexuality, this isn’t mean to be a burn for you, but an eye opener so you proceed as you think will be the best for the rest of your life, since you are planning to marry this guy. second get and STD test. as you type it here you gave him a free pass to “chat” with men on grindr, so be aware that your now boyfriend could be (most likely) receiving not just text but also explicit pictures and videos and might be sending back the same, this on the best case scenario since hooking up is also on the menu once you are on grindr.
Every time you go out of town or he's out for a while, you'll constantly be wondering if he's getting railed by another man. He's cheated on you with countless others, doesn't matter if it's a man or woman. He put your life at risk, you didn't sign up for that. Find someone that treats you better, the cheater will never be trustable again.
If you’re “the one” then you should know that relationships are work. The reason so many gays have open relationships in the first place is because they can separate sex and love. As long as your partner makes you feel like number one then you can absolutely work through this. Complete honesty is key though. It’s difficult at first but it does get easier. Now that cheating’s off the table for us we can really have a balanced marriage. 11 years together here.
We had a long conversation today. He could see it’s been bothering me, but I wouldn’t say it bothers me. More confused and curious. He has always treated me like a princess. Spoiling me and always been doing more than I ask for. I really don’t think he has been with an other man yet, but I think he would some day . Your answer made me a bit more curious tho. If you love someone why isn’t that enough? No shame just curious. Difference between me and him is that I took my time exploring a bit before I got really serious with someone. He’s open for me to be with women (never been all the way with one). For me I can accept like a threesome or something, but I do not understand the need of other sexual partners. Like a one or two times it’s okay to find himself. As he said he think being only us I beautiful and safe. For him threesome is of the table
Offer to peg him?
I have asked him about that in the past, he is shy about his ass. Maybe more open to it now though
Get tested for one. Secondly break up with them, it doesn't matter if it's with a man or a women cheating is cheating. If y'all didn't agree to anything open then dump his ass.
He is having sex with many anonymous random men
I'm currently chatting with a married bloke 26 whose wedding ring appears in the videos he sends of his other ring. He's desperate to get fucked. Curious doesn't cut it for me. He's seen gay porn, what's there to be curious about? 95 percent likely he wants to be a sub, you can take the Dom role here and lay down your terms, he may not like gay sex it in the rinse. OR he's already shagging other guys. Then cut and run, just because he's curious, he's a fucking adult you've been with for 4 fucking years, you clearly seem compassionate, why couldn't he in come to you with his fantasy. Remember you've given him good years, years where you could have been slutting it up or getting a sugar daddy What's next hiding a body?
Run for the fucking hills, get tested seriously and have a genuine conversation and afterwards photo screen shot his Grindr app as receipts!!
He's gonna need permission to explore this and you gotta accept the outcome. Nobody owns anybody. Might be you guys have a great relationship with him being monogamous bi, or not. But I highly recommend you encourage safe exploration so you both know where you stand, without wondering or guessing or denial or anything that is shut down.
I hate to say it but this is realistically the end of your relationship. He may be bi, he may be exploring, and bless you (genuinely) for supporting that but he's doing shit behind your back and refusing to be honest with you about it. This is the same answer as if it were women, your just hesitant because you probably don't want to be homophobic. Wanting honesty in your relationship isn't homophobic. His refusal to discuss the topic is a massive red flag. I'm not gonna say you should outright dump him but he isn't respecting the boundaries of your relationship and is hiding things. You deserve better.
Eventually you gotta be like “we’re having this conversation whether you like it or not.”
Babe it sounds like you don’t wanna leave him and that’s ok but you’re gonna have to get use to the idea of him fucking with another man…. Or leave. It’s pretty simple no in between. You’re always gonna be curious if he’s with a man so for your own sanity I would think it’s best to leave him…. But I could be wrong! Sending you lots of love and positive vibes.
Cheating is cheating. It’s all about how you feel. I do know a couple, as long as the guy doesn’t cheat on her with girls, then she’s fine. That’s their decision together. If that’s not something you’re up to, dump the douche bag and move on.
Leave him or catch something I don’t do friendly mofos
Break up with him. He is planning to cheat if he hasn't already
sounds like you figured out what you’re going to do sis!
Break up with his sorry ass. I know it’ll be hard but he’s proven he’s capable of going behind your back. I don’t know about you, but once I get cheated on in any sort of way, I’m fucking done, I’m not gonna be in a relationship where them cheating on me is a valid possibility because of what they’ve already done. It’s not worth the anxiety or stress. A relationship, while there’s bound to always be challenges, at the end of the day is supposed to contribute to your overall peace in life, not add constant stress or anxiety from imagining him with other men. And he doesn’t want to talk about it? FUCK him. He’s the one that went behind your back in the first place. Break. Up. With. His. Ass.
And also, chatting with a guy behind your back because he’s exploring his sexuality IS CHEATING. Just reverse the situation and ask yourself if he’d be okay with you “chatting” with other guys on dating apps behind his back, not saying anything until he confronts you about it. He would have a HUGE problem with that, so don’t let him justify that shit
He’s definitely sucking his homies cock when you ain’t around
You know what to do
You're not "the one" honey. There's always going to be other men. Sorry but I'd move on if you can't keep your relationship open.
Move on, you don’t want to be the one here…. He’s not been forthcoming about it…. Lies would most likely continue
Whether he’s curious about his sexuality or not, this would be considered cheating. He should have discussed this with you. I’m almost willing to promise you he hasn’t only chatted with me. If you’re not okay with him sleeping with other people regardless of their physical sex, it may be okay that he’s not straight but that doesn’t make it okay for him to be sleeping around behind your back. If he doesn’t want to discuss it; red flag number 2. Also. PLEASE get yourself tested. People lie on Grindr for a quick hookup all the time.
You aren’t “the one”.
He’s cheated on you, he’s broken your trust. Doesn’t matter who he’s done it with. If you were in a monogamous relationship, he’s defied that and there’s no excuse. Find someone who respects you more to spend your life with.
Another man is beating your time…..get tested and let him go.
Here is my personal experience. I was in a long term relationship with a woman. She found out I was on Grindr and accepted that and told me it was ok. I was telling her and myself that I could never be in an actual relationship with a guy, I just thought guys were hot. Then I met a man that changed my life. I broke it off with her to be with him at age 29(I had been experimenting since age 25). She was devastated and I still feel bad but I had to be myself. Now him and I have been married for 13 years. Take what you want from that
Now girl…..please be fr right now, that man is fucking other dudes or gettin fucked by them, you could literally be with anyone else who would treat you a million times better get your mind out of this delusional life with him and focus on YOU and getting what you DESERVE
You're 25, you're desirable and you want men. So does he. Hon, if you don't know it already, men can be ...uhm....men. Unless you two are waiting for marriage to have sex, I doubt he is waiting to have (gay) sex. Bear this in mind. He could be bisexual but he claims to have never acted on it. Well unless he's willing to marry you and swear and promise he will never 'scratch that itch", he's gonna scratch that itch. Repeatedly. If you're ok with being a side piece, stay in board.
Girl he's been cheating on you, who cares if it's with men or women? Stop clinging on this fantasy that you're The One: you're his comfort toy. If you want to make sense of things together with him, don't hesitate to call things by their name when you talk to him. Your man is a cheater. That's your starting point as you start finding out if there's a way forward for you two.
My story… not saying this is his and your story to be. Just mine in a nutshell. I met a beautiful woman, fell in love, got married, had two kids, finally accepted that I’m gay, and lastly, divorced. It was hard on a lot of people but ultimately needed to happen.
I’m sure you’re a romantic and it’s cute and all but you “ may not be the one”. You may need to wait or move on if he’s trying to discover his sexuality! It has nothing to do with you and there is nothing you can really do. Other than perhaps taking a step back and having a platonic relationship if anything.
One of my friends doesn’t know her man likes men. She makes the comment here and there about glad she’s with a manly man. I feel bad for him because he can’t be himself. I wish he could have his life with her and just get his urges out with men on the side and it not be a big deal. Maybe see about that or something similar. Food for thought.
You're the one but this itch since 18...
If he’s on Grindr, it’s very likely his interactions went beyond just chatting. I would get tested for STDs and re-examine your relationship. From my own experience, Grindr is FULL of “curious” men who tried to sleep with me without their wives or girlfriends knowing. And sometimes I only found out after we hooked up. He’s clearly been keeping this a secret for a while. Dig deeper.
Very common occurrence. Dont have unprotected sex with him.
You probably should consider moving on. I used to see a guy that got caught on Grindr and he was dating a girl. Didn’t last long after. He obviously hasn’t fully explored his sexuality and as time goes on his urges are going to become stronger. So if you’re not going to break it off I’d say brace yourself cause this isn’t particularly a good thing. Also by letting him chat you’re essentially giving him a pass that may lead him to a situation where he acts on impulse. If you don’t define your boundaries he’s gonna push them and you’ll get hurt
Would need full disclosure on any hook ups that took place. And full transparency on the conversations going forward. Like new account and if you ask to see he is cool with that. If you can process it and be ok with the past, like which honestly it’s ok if your not ok with him sexually messaging other people is up to yourself, you can stick by him as he finds himself, it’s a confusing situation. You kinda have to process all that information it’s a lot. You can maybe just be like I’m not really sure it’s really unexpected and don’t know what to do with the information. Hiding things from your partner is a bit shady and it’s kind of a trust thing like it can make it harder going forward. You can hang on and see how things go but if your feeling the trust is gone or damaged you will have to step back and make a call.
Have you tried supporting him now knowing that he has different more complicated needs. It could really healthy for a relationship if you have a conversation with him about exploring this part of himself.
In someways it's almost better for you if he is lying. If he's chatting on there with guys and hasn't done anythign yet, then he doesn't yet how much he likes gay sex. If he has done it, and still thinks he might like women, then there's a chance he might yet be happy long term in a straight relationship.
Communication is always key, if you’re open to an open relationship go for it
Well, one don't be considered to the point where you think you're so pretty or you're so smart or you're so funny. You're so rich that man is never going to piece of strange in his life. With an open mind. He's great when you rather have an honest whore and a dishonest monogamist. Don't focus so much on what the traditional description of cheating is sit down with man discuss it figure out what your limits are surely to guy there's not a man that's gone by that you didn't wanna fuck as well. So many relationships come to an end because of stupid bullshit like six it's just sex. Does he love you? Does it show that's what counts
Talk about sexual health and risk management, get both of you tested for STIs, set some ground rules if you're okay with the idea of him playing with guys on the side. Your dude is bisexual; it sounds like he's been trying to repress it. If he won't discuss it, you have bigger problems. Being in a relationship should mean you can discuss intimate things and work as a team. If he won't do that, you might be better suited moving on.
Has he been unfaithful yet? ? ? ? If not, you could help him scratch that age with toys and other things. It becomes big enough that maybe you will be willing to participate in a threesome or he will slowly find his way and you end it now
Well, if you’re the one and he is the one for you then you all should be able to have a conversation about this whether he identifies as bisexual pansexual whatever if he still trying to figure that out, are you OK with being sort of in this open/poly relationship in the meantime?
Girl, dump his ass! You're worth more than that.
This is so fucking stupid…
It sounds like he has an insatiable need for cock that won’t go away, you’ll always be the side piece I fear 😭 He’s probably been blown out for years every pride omg gurl…
Given how difficult it is to get guys on Grindr to actually meet, not just talk about it, there’s a fighting chance that he hasn’t hooked up with anyone. Even if not for a lack of trying.
Lmfao he's not only chatting.. 🙄
Be glad you found this out before you got married and had kids. You should definitely put the brakes on things and start working on being ok with the very strong likelyhood that he's isn't the one. This curiousity almost ALWAYS leads to more than curiousity. I'm bi married guy and I know how this goes.
Depends. This is gonna sound crazy, but I'm on grindr. Have been for a year....and met no one. That shits entirely too sketchy for me lol.
Girl run
What you’re describing is cheating
lots of people saying he must be hooking up with guys, but idk if that’s true. i use grindr regularly mainly just for sexting. i don’t really like hooking up with random guys from the internet. he really could just be flirting or sexting. it is up to you to determine whether or not that is cheating and what that means for your relationship.
Sounds like you need to break up with him, unless you’re (1) satisfied with your sex life together, and (2) want an open relationship.
Sorry to hear this for you 💗 sounds really tough. Don’t let the gender of the people he’s talking to cloud your perspective of the situation. It sounds like being on a dating app, regardless of the kind, is a violation of your relationship and a damaging of your trust. Try to parse out the things you’re actually upset about, it’s likely not the gay piece (and don’t let your fear of coming across as homophobic affect how u share your feelings)
There are a lot of str8 guys on there just to feed their egos. Every str8 bartender I work with is on there because it increases their tips. Just ask him. And get tested anyway.
To the curb
It's a hook up site if he's with you. He should stay off of it if he's curious. He should not be with you and then go find his curiosity. You can't have both unless you want that in your relationship. If you continue to let it happen in the end, you will get severely hurt.. Stop your foot down and tell him no.. That site ruined my relationship with my previous boyfriend. I lost complete trust in him and once you do that, it's so hard to get it back. I can tell you. It would never return after the fact that that happened and it was five years after before we broke up..
The best I can give you on a forum like this is to appreciate that you know this person and have a great deal more context than anybody on here who’ll tell you confidently to act one way or another. It’s up to you to decide how to proceed, but just be wary of everyone here “confirming” that he’s cheating or whatever. We don’t know, but you can. If you want the truth from him then you can either go the stalker route and find out, or you can do what it seems like you’ve started to do which is make him comfortable sharing the truth. There are plenty of guys on Grindr who chat with no intention of meeting up, and especially the “straight” ones. How you proceed is up to you, but it seems like he has some desire to explore this. You might have to have many conversations about this with him, but communication—as always—is key. Set your boundaries, define cheating, discuss ways that you can be sure he doesn’t break those boundaries or cheat. Regardless of his interest in men, you need to address the lying and him hiding this from you. During these talks make sure he has a voice, too. If you just impose restrictions on him you’ll alienate him and just make it that much more likely that he DOES cheat. Just try to keep your composure, and keep your head held high.
Make a date with him
get an sti check up and break up with him
If his being on Grindr and hooking up with men is not compatible with the life you want with him, then you need to let him go. Make him figure himself out on his time, not on yours. Even if he apologizes and says he’ll stop it, etc. this will almost certainly not last. He will get comfortable again and then want to start exploring. It’s great that you affirm his sexuality and accept him as a person. It doesn’t sound like he knows enough about himself to commit to you though.
Come on every one knows why Grindr is meant for. If ur partner no matter who, is using it to explore their Sexuality, it means that they aren't loving u enough or ur relationship isn't working out. Being in a relationship if ur partner is using any dating applications it means that they are straight of trying to cheat or get someone new either for romantic or sexual relationship. It's better to just break up. I (M20) broke up with my boyfriend for the same reason too. Sexuality really doesn't matter if they are dating you. He can't explore while being in a relationship it's straight off cheating. You need to talk it out or just take a break for him to explore his Sexuality and come back to u or just end it up for once and good for both.
If you talked with my ex-wife, Who I originally came out too in a similar way, she'd quickly tell you the same as she was advised. " get out now and forget him". That didn't happen, and we went through hard times until I finally stopped the stupidity. I have always regretted that I put her through that hurt. I have had to live with that ever since. So either you or him need to draw a solid line. Otherwise, you'll both get hurt.
Get tested
First thing to do, get tested for HIV. Nearly every 10th of us gay guys has it.
just fuckin ghost him
Have the talk and make up it together, of how you guys would continue.
Make sure you have all your bases check off, as make sure he's also not on Sniffies.com and scruff as those are like grinder on steroids, its more unsafe and just not worth having your health at risk,due to his Curiositys. Sending you strength and support as you are faced with navigation through this challenge.
Do u even know whats grindr is for? Chatting with men is not the main thing
Sent message
if the relationship isnt open, he's cheating on you if you dont want to leave, then discuss opening the relationship or letting him test if he's bi or something
You went all these years without knowing? Which is probably why he is cheating…you don’t know him l, says a lot about your involvement in his life. If you are involved you might be a very naïve person.
You have to decide if you're ok with him experimenting and banging guys while in a relationship or if he has to deprive himself of that for the rest of his life
I wouldn’t trust it, chances are he’s already cheated since he’s acting so weird. Get tested asap
As a Bi dude, I'd say simply at some point that ich is gonna get scratched. Whether or not he shares that with you is a different story. At minimum, I suggest you just get yourself checked regularly. Also, if you don't use protection, you probably should start. This is less about grinder and more about the very real possibility that you two will not be sexually monogamous. Finally, while he fessed up once confronted about the situation, he still had to be confronted and did not come to you on his own. From my point of view, that is a bit problematic. Take it from me as a bi man that meets a lot of bi, straight, and curious men, At some point the chatting will end, the curiosity will be unbearable for him, and he is gonna act. The question will be, does he do it once, and that's it? Or if not once, how frequently. At the end of the day, this is more about you than it is him. You've gotta decide how much, if at all, of this side action you're willing to live with in your relationship. I wish you and him the best of luck, no matter what you decide.
Congrats on being single!
I know it's something you don't want to think about but if you want to make it work with him give him a hallpass but don't allow him to abuse that and don't be left looking stupid. You take advantage of a hallpass as well and date/hookup yourself it's only fair, I mean he already messed up by leaving you with that image, give him something to have an image of too. Otherwise maybe consider trying a 3 some with another man. But again don't let him take advantage because for the most part he will. Or else just let him go, now that You've made it "okay" he's going to do it all the time just to be honest. So stand your ground and be prepared. Most bi or "bi curious" men always come out later to be gayer than what they want to accept themselves, society just puts it in peoples heads that it's wrong or that they Truth is you both deserve to be happy and if you can't find that happiness with each other than you need to let go or you'll just both be stuck in the same cycle your entire relationship and it will get tiring believe me. I mean hey you's can always turn your relationship into a best friendship. If I was a girl honestly id be the one to love to have a gay best friend. But everyone is different.
You need to be forthcoming with your reservations. And he needs to be open about this since you two are in a relationship. Wanting to explore your sexuality is no excuse for leaving your partner in the dark. You two need to sit down and hash this out regardless of how difficult it is. Grindr is for hookups that can, sometimes, become more. While he might just be talking, there is a better chance he has done more. And because he doesn’t want to talk about it, it seems suspicious. However it could just be he is afraid to talk. Depending on how he was raised he could have a lot of deep seated homophobia that’s making him afraid to open up. You both need to be open and honest with each other. Explain your boundaries to each other and find out what he’s wanting from this. I wish you luck. I hope you’re both able to figure this out honestly and work everything out.
Do some self reflection on what YOU want. You may love him and want to stay with him, but you need to know where you stand with yourself. What are your own core values? Are you interested in exploring with him? What do you want the end game to be for you? You can still love and support him but don’t sacrifice your own wants and needs for his benefit.
How did you find your bf on Grindr 🤣😝😂
Give me his number 🤤
He's gay. Move on. He's already been with men if he's on Grindr.
It’s an unfortunate situation, but at least you’re only 25. My heart aches for the women who find out at the age of 50 that their husband of 20 years, and the father of their children, is gay. Be thankful you found out earlier. Best wishes.
Immediately run to Reddit and ask the gay subs isn't near the top of the list.
He is disrespecting you plain and simple. You deserve someone who will fully give themselves to you. Don’t settle for broken promises and lies. It’s not worth your mental health. Trust me.
Mary…. The call is coming from inside the house. You are his beard. Leave get out right now. We love you but don’t waste your life. Even if he is bi or something, he’s cheating on you
Whether he is straight, gay, or bi, he is acting disrespectful to his partner. His sexuality is not the issue. His lavk of honesty and unwillingness to communicate are the real issue.
Ugh, just pause for a sec and think of the gender-reversed situation. What if a man finds out his fiancee is considering dating women? Half the guys would prolly go "yikes" and break up, the others would without a doubt go "hell yeah!" 🤪 Coz they'd be daydreaming about threesomes with two girls already. I mean, if you don't want to break up, why not adopt this "hell yeah" mindset (and maybe get a strap-on)? Conversely, if this hell-yeah mindset seems silly and unacceptable to you (as it is to most women ig), it'll probably bring you more peace of mind to just break up, clean the slate, and start afresh. I do agree with one previous comment that it's disrespectful to either parties when one attempts to date new people while still in a relationship, regardless of gender. If he wasn't planning (or refused to consider the possibility) to get emotionally/romantically entangled with someone new, then you trying out anal and/or pegging plays should meet all his need. In reverse, if he's not satisfied with just anal/pegging plays with you, it's a good sign for you to consider a breakup, because he's ready to be romantically involved with others, aka cheat.
Men’s sexuality is so different from women And when I get to know 100%, heterosexual men and 100% gay man, it is astonishing what you find With 100% gay man you find in many cases, they often hint that sex with women disgust them, but when you dig down, you find nearly all have had sex with women when you ask them why they’ve virtually all give the same answer they were very fond of the woman and things got out of hand and went too far With 100% heterosexual man, they all seem to have watched gay porn And when you ask them why they just say curiosity So I wouldn’t worry that your partners behaviour is abnormal because it’s pretty typical The problem is, if the curiosity turns to action generally the vast majority of women do not want to share their partner, sexually with a man The best advice is to try to understand your partners needs, which may not be easy Recently on this site, a woman is worried that her partner would masturbate quite a lot, although having regular sex with her Again, not unusual, and often they don’t want to bother their partner if they think she’s not in the mood, and of course, a lot of women,ration sex specially when they’re older, and they’re really not interested
Dump him. He’s a cheat. Sexuality is no excuse