That pushed me to write this post, to make sure I'm not making a mistake and that I'm not overreacting. I'm telling myself, if I allow something like this, it will happen again, or something even worse will.
You are not wrong at all. If you accept that kind of behaviour, he will continue to treat you that way and will gradually increase in severity.
The fact that he would use the word retarded is disrespectful enough as it is. You don't refer to anyone that way, least of all someone you are supposed to love, regardless of if you're annoyed at them or having an argument.
The fact he also felt that the woman who was murdered 'got what she deserved' because he viewed her as a 'whore' is also deeply disturbing. Nothing warrants being murdered. And I'm curious as to why he believes she was a whore. Likely because she simply dumped the ex and slept with someone else. That doesn't make someone a whore, but in his eyes, he sees that if a woman dumps a man and chooses to be with someone else, that is a major disrespect and worthy of killing them over. That is highly concerning that he views murder so lightly, and that anyone would be deserving of being murdered simply due to sex. Even if she cheated on a guy it doesn't warrant murder. So I'd be very concerned he has that view, as he likely sees violence against women as acceptable and justifiable.
The other concern is how he drove home dangerously and erratically, putting your life at risk simply because he was annoyed and frustrated with you that you 'questioned his judgement' . That is not a safe person to be around. If you can't have a simple conversation, discussion, or even a disagreement and get in a car and feel safe with them driving home, you can never trust being in a car with them. He's willing to put your life at risk coz he was annoyed with you. And he deliberately drove that way to scare you and feel powerful and in control. Again, huge red flag.
The fact he also text you the next day asking if you'd 'come to your senses yet and we're ready to talk' shows how little he cared about what he'd said and done, felt he had done nothing wrong, and didn't feel any need to appologise. He only appologised when you reaffirmed it was over and you never wanted to speak to him again.
Do not talk to him again. Block him on everything.
But let people know what happened. What he said, how he behaved etc, the whole thing. Let them know you are worried about him possibly becoming violent. Do not meet with him in person. If you live alone, I'd suggest seeing if a friend can come stay a few days or so. Or you go stay with someone.
Just to give you an idea of how he's going to react.
Maybe change your locks if there's a chance he has a key. And maybe think about getting some cameras for your front door and inside your home. Just to be on the safe side.
But stay away from this guy. He is seriously bad news, and not a good person.
you are NOT overreacting. intentional dangerous driving when he is upset with you is abusive. he’s intentionally scaring you to hold that power over you. and if he talks that way about other women, he’ll talk that way about you. if he thinks it’s “retarded” to defend other women against unnecessary judgement, especially after their passing(?!?!?!), he doesn’t seem to be a thoughtful or caring person.
Leave him and move on. Why waste your time with someone so disrespectful and awful towards you and who literally sympathizes with murderers who killed women because he thinks women who don't follow his preferences deserve to be killed? Why would you even consider staying with someone like that? He's a terrible person, and he's told you he's also a dangerous one. Listen and leave
Thank you so much for your comment. I'm not self confident enough, and that's why I'm here. I know I'm making a right decision, I just need to hear it from someone else too, I guess.
You could look like a fish, have the memory of a fish, you could have the personality of a fish.
Nothing would justify this treatment.
No one deserves that.
Get out, and make sure you tell your loved ones. He'll probably get angry, then cry, then get ore abusive.
Thank you. Reading these comments made me realize that I deserve much better and that I made the right decision, that I am enough. Love makes us blind, and I hope I'll get over it.
You will, the first person I dated was cruel. He would laugh one minute and snap, and scream in my face the next. It took hitting me a few times for me to realise it's escalating and if I don't get out I'll probably get really hurt.
It took 3 years. For others it takes a lot more, or a lot less.
Just don't go back to him, whatever you do.
You have my permission to leave and avoid any person who calls you disrespectful names, justifies murdering women, and uses ableist slurs to try to insult you. You can leave any relationship at any time for any reason. Your reasons are valid, and you don't owe this person your time or energy.
OP, I cannot emphasise enough how right your decision is. I’m speaking from experience, thank God, not my own, but someone I know married someone who constantly put her down, called her retarded, said she belongs in a care home. Really horrible stuff. She is still married to him and even though he’s mellowed a bit now, you cannot undo years of psychological damage done by those insults.
Don’t walk away, run… fast. And don’t look back.
Thank you for your comment. I've also been thinking a lot about the future and he's certainly not someone I want to spend my life with. Now my eyes are open, and some things he did before are clearer to me. I don't need a child and a bully. Thank you all so much for encouraging me. I hope that these comments will be here for a long time, so that I can always remind myself that I am enough and that I deserve someone with whom I will feel safe and loved.
He is abusive. It will not get better. He is cruel, he is malicious and he is comfortable with violence against women.
He said a woman deserved to get murdered.
He called you names.
He scared you.
You're only ever wrong, if you continue to put up with such behaviour. Do not stay with him.
He might say sorry, he might pretend to be nice, but the mask will fall off. He will do it again, and it always escalates.
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You must come to your senses? You said nothing wrong! He humiliated you and you should say sorry? No! Absolutely not. This is classical manipulative and gaslighting behavior- he wants you to forget your feelings about something HE did. Honestly, dump him.
Girl, dodged the bullet… literally.
Edit: Please look out for yourself. This boy sounds unhinged. And I hope he stays put and out of your life, and doesn’t come after you now that you’ve insulted his fragile masculinity by breaking up with him. What person willingly, out loud says something like that about a murder victim? Please be careful.
That’s a plus side. Let those you are close with know what has happened, parents even (if you have a good relationship with them) just so they can also have a watchful eye.
“Have you come to your senses?”
This is a very narcissistic thing to say.
He is flipping this back on you and dismissing your feelings.
He had a whole night to think about the situation and still gaslit you the next day.
This is screaming red flags.
He is an asshole, and possibly dangerous to your well-being in a number of ways. Just get away from him and stay safe. There are better men than this one and no, there's no way to justify this behavior of his and the abhorrent things he thinks and believes. The only thing you can do is leave him behind and live a happy life, or take him back and watch him treat you even worse because he will know he can.
leave!! that's how abuse starts. mild- you forgive and feel bad and go back- they COUNT on that. next time it will be worse and you will still feel obligated to forgive because you did before.
In general there's a few problem points here. Unless in self defence, there's no reason to murder another human ever, regardless of their sexual habits. It's not a man/women thing, promiscuous men should also not be murdered.
He's slut shaming, that's also bad and not something that I agree with. If someone wants to be promiscuous that's their choice and has nothing to do with him (and also totally NOT a reason to want someone to be killed).
I opposed the use of the word retarded in all contexts. I have a disabled little brother. I've kicked off more than a few playground fights because people called him that word. If I heard someone use it like your BF used it, I might just punch them in the face. I'd feel badly after the fact because I don't believe violence solves problems like that. But it's extremely offensive to me personally, and I do not care if he's using the word as a synonym for something else. In my mind, it's on a similar level to the N word, not fit for public use.
Next, he didn't just use the word, he used it on you. Supposedly you are someone he cares about and in my opinion that means that he should not be calling you names ever. Even when he's mad or upset with you (especially when he's mad or upset). His lack of basic respect here is very concerning.
Next, his reaction to your reaction is extremely childish. He didn't and doesn't take any responsibility at all. He wants you to change your reaction, he sees nothing wrong with what he did only how you reacted to it.
> Should I stand by my decision and leave him?
It does not seem, to me, that he's a good man, a kind man, or a respectful man. In this interaction he spoke poorly of a women's sexulity, then he insulted you on a personal level and has no remorse for doing so.
Honestly I wonder why anyone would want to date such a man. So yes I think you should leave him.
The abuser outed himself as an abuser. How do you justify murder in that way? And then when you express your feelings he insults you? Drives reckless? Asks if you’ve “come to your senses”? - please, for your safety, never, ever speak to this person again. And if you have someone in your life you can trust - tell them that this happened so someone else knows.
This behavior is **not okay**. Please always take care of yourself.
Yeah, absolutely leave him. That is 100% something worth leaving someone over. He has shown you he is capable of being downright cruel, and that is not something to brush over - I'd let someone close to you know about this and leave him ASAP. Genuinely not worth it.
Well based on the way it was written and said. That mean does not respect you. I’ve called people retard jokingly but never in a disrespectful manner. I would part ways with him.
you're concerned that he called you names (yes, bad) but NOT concerned that he thought murder was justified?
hopefully this relationship is dead before you are. can i react kinda line by line?
murder was justified because a stranger he doesn't know is a whore? doesn't have a good view of women, does he? and murder is a solution to whoredom?
he was indeed making excuses and justifying murder, then gaslit you into being humiliated over your 'bad' response.
I grew up saying the R word in hicksville Florida. Now even in hicksville Florida we know not to say the R word in polite society or in private. It's not ok
he didn't think any of this was important enough to look up from his phone?
testing to see your reaction maybe? and your reaction was to go someplace private with him. (not judging, just thinking that he might be testing the waters a bit as an abuser)
he took yours and everyone else's life for granted by driving crazy the whole way home?
even overnight his attitude is still so aggressive and abrasive and condescending? he's not sorry at all. he's not a good man, either. totally narcissistic.
if someone says you were wrong to talk to him... you probably still love him some and everyone makes mistakes and no one can judge you for responding after such a shocking and abusive episode.
such behavior cannot be justified and should not be condoned.
it's understandable you responded. but please do not keep responding. leave him, block him, tell your friends and family, make sure you are safe because it doesn't sound like he'll take it quietly (pepper gel is good), and get some counseling. it will get better. you deserve more. I'm sorry this happened to you, but better and safer adventures await <3
This is disgusting. No one deserves to be murdered. He sounds like a total misogynist. And then to tell you "have you come to your senses? Can you talk normally now?" Um excuse me?? Block his number immediately. This man is going to physically abuse you at some point if you stay with him. The signs are all there.
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>..It is not the first time that he humiliates me in public and diminishes my feelings, but he has never called me an ugly name...
If you stick with him, expect yourself and your children to become traumatized individuals in the long run, struggling socially, resorting to therapists and antidepressants just to try to live normally. I speak as a child from a marriage like this.
I'm a child of divorce, and I understand what you're saying. Thank you for your comment. I ended things that night, and after everyone's comments, I didn't look back, not once. I know I deserve better.
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I didn't say that in the post, but I was the man in this relationship 90% of the time and I used to feel like I was his mom. Yikes.
Now that this has happened, it all comes back to me and I realize what I let him get away with in the past.
I am so grateful for these comments, they have given me so much more confidence and courage to never speak to him again.
That’s awesome! Take some time to yourself to figure out what you want and deserve from a relationship, and find someone mature, who can handle conversations and conflict maturely. A partner, no matter how mad you get at each other, should never call you names or say such disrespectful things.
This is how it starts.
That pushed me to write this post, to make sure I'm not making a mistake and that I'm not overreacting. I'm telling myself, if I allow something like this, it will happen again, or something even worse will.
Listen to your gut!
You are not wrong at all. If you accept that kind of behaviour, he will continue to treat you that way and will gradually increase in severity. The fact that he would use the word retarded is disrespectful enough as it is. You don't refer to anyone that way, least of all someone you are supposed to love, regardless of if you're annoyed at them or having an argument. The fact he also felt that the woman who was murdered 'got what she deserved' because he viewed her as a 'whore' is also deeply disturbing. Nothing warrants being murdered. And I'm curious as to why he believes she was a whore. Likely because she simply dumped the ex and slept with someone else. That doesn't make someone a whore, but in his eyes, he sees that if a woman dumps a man and chooses to be with someone else, that is a major disrespect and worthy of killing them over. That is highly concerning that he views murder so lightly, and that anyone would be deserving of being murdered simply due to sex. Even if she cheated on a guy it doesn't warrant murder. So I'd be very concerned he has that view, as he likely sees violence against women as acceptable and justifiable. The other concern is how he drove home dangerously and erratically, putting your life at risk simply because he was annoyed and frustrated with you that you 'questioned his judgement' . That is not a safe person to be around. If you can't have a simple conversation, discussion, or even a disagreement and get in a car and feel safe with them driving home, you can never trust being in a car with them. He's willing to put your life at risk coz he was annoyed with you. And he deliberately drove that way to scare you and feel powerful and in control. Again, huge red flag. The fact he also text you the next day asking if you'd 'come to your senses yet and we're ready to talk' shows how little he cared about what he'd said and done, felt he had done nothing wrong, and didn't feel any need to appologise. He only appologised when you reaffirmed it was over and you never wanted to speak to him again. Do not talk to him again. Block him on everything. But let people know what happened. What he said, how he behaved etc, the whole thing. Let them know you are worried about him possibly becoming violent. Do not meet with him in person. If you live alone, I'd suggest seeing if a friend can come stay a few days or so. Or you go stay with someone. Just to give you an idea of how he's going to react. Maybe change your locks if there's a chance he has a key. And maybe think about getting some cameras for your front door and inside your home. Just to be on the safe side. But stay away from this guy. He is seriously bad news, and not a good person.
you are NOT overreacting. intentional dangerous driving when he is upset with you is abusive. he’s intentionally scaring you to hold that power over you. and if he talks that way about other women, he’ll talk that way about you. if he thinks it’s “retarded” to defend other women against unnecessary judgement, especially after their passing(?!?!?!), he doesn’t seem to be a thoughtful or caring person.
Leave him and move on. Why waste your time with someone so disrespectful and awful towards you and who literally sympathizes with murderers who killed women because he thinks women who don't follow his preferences deserve to be killed? Why would you even consider staying with someone like that? He's a terrible person, and he's told you he's also a dangerous one. Listen and leave
Thank you so much for your comment. I'm not self confident enough, and that's why I'm here. I know I'm making a right decision, I just need to hear it from someone else too, I guess.
You could look like a fish, have the memory of a fish, you could have the personality of a fish. Nothing would justify this treatment. No one deserves that. Get out, and make sure you tell your loved ones. He'll probably get angry, then cry, then get ore abusive.
Thank you. Reading these comments made me realize that I deserve much better and that I made the right decision, that I am enough. Love makes us blind, and I hope I'll get over it.
You will, the first person I dated was cruel. He would laugh one minute and snap, and scream in my face the next. It took hitting me a few times for me to realise it's escalating and if I don't get out I'll probably get really hurt. It took 3 years. For others it takes a lot more, or a lot less. Just don't go back to him, whatever you do.
You have my permission to leave and avoid any person who calls you disrespectful names, justifies murdering women, and uses ableist slurs to try to insult you. You can leave any relationship at any time for any reason. Your reasons are valid, and you don't owe this person your time or energy.
OP, I cannot emphasise enough how right your decision is. I’m speaking from experience, thank God, not my own, but someone I know married someone who constantly put her down, called her retarded, said she belongs in a care home. Really horrible stuff. She is still married to him and even though he’s mellowed a bit now, you cannot undo years of psychological damage done by those insults. Don’t walk away, run… fast. And don’t look back.
Thank you for your comment. I've also been thinking a lot about the future and he's certainly not someone I want to spend my life with. Now my eyes are open, and some things he did before are clearer to me. I don't need a child and a bully. Thank you all so much for encouraging me. I hope that these comments will be here for a long time, so that I can always remind myself that I am enough and that I deserve someone with whom I will feel safe and loved.
He is abusive. It will not get better. He is cruel, he is malicious and he is comfortable with violence against women. He said a woman deserved to get murdered. He called you names. He scared you. You're only ever wrong, if you continue to put up with such behaviour. Do not stay with him. He might say sorry, he might pretend to be nice, but the mask will fall off. He will do it again, and it always escalates.
He used a derogatory term towards you when you were stating murder isn’t justified - I would take that very seriously. Leave now.
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You must come to your senses? You said nothing wrong! He humiliated you and you should say sorry? No! Absolutely not. This is classical manipulative and gaslighting behavior- he wants you to forget your feelings about something HE did. Honestly, dump him.
Get out Immediately.
please leave. he sounds like a terrible person!
Girl, dodged the bullet… literally. Edit: Please look out for yourself. This boy sounds unhinged. And I hope he stays put and out of your life, and doesn’t come after you now that you’ve insulted his fragile masculinity by breaking up with him. What person willingly, out loud says something like that about a murder victim? Please be careful.
Thank you for caring. Will do! Thankfully, we don't share same friends, so I think I'll be good avoiding him.
That’s a plus side. Let those you are close with know what has happened, parents even (if you have a good relationship with them) just so they can also have a watchful eye.
“Have you come to your senses?” This is a very narcissistic thing to say. He is flipping this back on you and dismissing your feelings. He had a whole night to think about the situation and still gaslit you the next day. This is screaming red flags.
He sounds like he will hit you eventually if you stay.
> he just got up and went to the car and drove like crazy the whole way, and I was terrified. This is abuse
He is an asshole, and possibly dangerous to your well-being in a number of ways. Just get away from him and stay safe. There are better men than this one and no, there's no way to justify this behavior of his and the abhorrent things he thinks and believes. The only thing you can do is leave him behind and live a happy life, or take him back and watch him treat you even worse because he will know he can.
call him your ex
Unless you want to end up dead like that woman you were talking about, stay the fuck away from that piece of shit.
leave!! that's how abuse starts. mild- you forgive and feel bad and go back- they COUNT on that. next time it will be worse and you will still feel obligated to forgive because you did before.
In general there's a few problem points here. Unless in self defence, there's no reason to murder another human ever, regardless of their sexual habits. It's not a man/women thing, promiscuous men should also not be murdered. He's slut shaming, that's also bad and not something that I agree with. If someone wants to be promiscuous that's their choice and has nothing to do with him (and also totally NOT a reason to want someone to be killed). I opposed the use of the word retarded in all contexts. I have a disabled little brother. I've kicked off more than a few playground fights because people called him that word. If I heard someone use it like your BF used it, I might just punch them in the face. I'd feel badly after the fact because I don't believe violence solves problems like that. But it's extremely offensive to me personally, and I do not care if he's using the word as a synonym for something else. In my mind, it's on a similar level to the N word, not fit for public use. Next, he didn't just use the word, he used it on you. Supposedly you are someone he cares about and in my opinion that means that he should not be calling you names ever. Even when he's mad or upset with you (especially when he's mad or upset). His lack of basic respect here is very concerning. Next, his reaction to your reaction is extremely childish. He didn't and doesn't take any responsibility at all. He wants you to change your reaction, he sees nothing wrong with what he did only how you reacted to it. > Should I stand by my decision and leave him? It does not seem, to me, that he's a good man, a kind man, or a respectful man. In this interaction he spoke poorly of a women's sexulity, then he insulted you on a personal level and has no remorse for doing so. Honestly I wonder why anyone would want to date such a man. So yes I think you should leave him.
The abuser outed himself as an abuser. How do you justify murder in that way? And then when you express your feelings he insults you? Drives reckless? Asks if you’ve “come to your senses”? - please, for your safety, never, ever speak to this person again. And if you have someone in your life you can trust - tell them that this happened so someone else knows. This behavior is **not okay**. Please always take care of yourself.
Leave him. Your initial reaction was the correct one. Block and move on.
It'll get worse if you go back, I guarantee that. It won't just be words.
If you stay, you know what'll happen if he suspects you of cheating lol
Dump that loser. Good lord.
Yeah, absolutely leave him. That is 100% something worth leaving someone over. He has shown you he is capable of being downright cruel, and that is not something to brush over - I'd let someone close to you know about this and leave him ASAP. Genuinely not worth it.
What's the point of having a boyfriend if he doesn't even like you? If he liked you he wouldn't call you slurs
Well based on the way it was written and said. That mean does not respect you. I’ve called people retard jokingly but never in a disrespectful manner. I would part ways with him.
Leave him ofc. You deserve much better than that..
Well, throw the man away
This man does not respect you. Probably doesn't respect any woman. Do not give him any further time. You deserve so much better.
Move on!
you're concerned that he called you names (yes, bad) but NOT concerned that he thought murder was justified? hopefully this relationship is dead before you are. can i react kinda line by line? murder was justified because a stranger he doesn't know is a whore? doesn't have a good view of women, does he? and murder is a solution to whoredom? he was indeed making excuses and justifying murder, then gaslit you into being humiliated over your 'bad' response. I grew up saying the R word in hicksville Florida. Now even in hicksville Florida we know not to say the R word in polite society or in private. It's not ok he didn't think any of this was important enough to look up from his phone? testing to see your reaction maybe? and your reaction was to go someplace private with him. (not judging, just thinking that he might be testing the waters a bit as an abuser) he took yours and everyone else's life for granted by driving crazy the whole way home? even overnight his attitude is still so aggressive and abrasive and condescending? he's not sorry at all. he's not a good man, either. totally narcissistic. if someone says you were wrong to talk to him... you probably still love him some and everyone makes mistakes and no one can judge you for responding after such a shocking and abusive episode. such behavior cannot be justified and should not be condoned. it's understandable you responded. but please do not keep responding. leave him, block him, tell your friends and family, make sure you are safe because it doesn't sound like he'll take it quietly (pepper gel is good), and get some counseling. it will get better. you deserve more. I'm sorry this happened to you, but better and safer adventures await <3
please leave him. no man is worth staying with if he makes you feel unsafe.
Please dump the man, throw the whole thing away, and never look back. There's so many red flags, sirens, warning bells.
That's your ex partner. Block him on everything and kick him out with the trash where he belongs. Do NOT go back.
This is disgusting. No one deserves to be murdered. He sounds like a total misogynist. And then to tell you "have you come to your senses? Can you talk normally now?" Um excuse me?? Block his number immediately. This man is going to physically abuse you at some point if you stay with him. The signs are all there.
You're senses are correct, gaslighting narcissist vibes
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>..It is not the first time that he humiliates me in public and diminishes my feelings, but he has never called me an ugly name... If you stick with him, expect yourself and your children to become traumatized individuals in the long run, struggling socially, resorting to therapists and antidepressants just to try to live normally. I speak as a child from a marriage like this.
I'm a child of divorce, and I understand what you're saying. Thank you for your comment. I ended things that night, and after everyone's comments, I didn't look back, not once. I know I deserve better.
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Jesus Christ. What a man child. How do so many women end up with such awful, awful man babies?
I didn't say that in the post, but I was the man in this relationship 90% of the time and I used to feel like I was his mom. Yikes. Now that this has happened, it all comes back to me and I realize what I let him get away with in the past. I am so grateful for these comments, they have given me so much more confidence and courage to never speak to him again.
That’s awesome! Take some time to yourself to figure out what you want and deserve from a relationship, and find someone mature, who can handle conversations and conflict maturely. A partner, no matter how mad you get at each other, should never call you names or say such disrespectful things.