The actual insecurity itself has to be addressed. Witty repartee will not achieve this. Try talking with her sincerely about her concerns, and listening closely to what she expresses concern about.
The joke was taken as an admission of how you felt, confirming the fear she was expressing. This doesn’t help your position. Avoid joking about anything stressful or traumatic for her. Those topics will receive the least nuanced analysis.
What you and I consider asking is completely different. If she had actually just asked, she would’ve gotten what she wanted. Instead she “joked” over and over again and now her feelings are hurt.
No, I think this isn’t autism at all. I think your gf keeps bringing up something that she’s insecure about, “as a joke”, for the reasons people normally do. To be clear, that’s not your fault. I second the advice about talking this out with her and giving her reassurance, but I also think you’d be well within your right to say “When you are feeling insecure, I am happy to reassure you… but I need you to tell me seriously. You brought this up as a “joke” so many times, and none of the times I disagreed prevented you from bringing up the joke again. So I decided to try a different approach and you got angry. It’s not fair to me that you repeatedly bring up something as a joke when what you really want is reassurance.”
The fact that she feels the need to ask you whether you like someone else (better) is unrelated to autism. She sounds deeply insecure about this relationship, potentially even deeply insecure about whether she’s lovable at all.
People with this kind of insecurity will register any confirmation of these insecurities as a ‘yes’, while forgetting all signs to the contrary. The autism doesn’t help of course and this may have contributed to her taking your answer literally, but even without autism your “yea” would have gotten you into trouble.
I would suggest to explain to her that you felt uncomfortable by her suggestions that you love someone else, that saying no didn’t seem to be helping and you were hoping that exposing how ridiculous this statement is by saying “yea” would help her stop doing that.
Obviously saying “yea” is the wrong answer, but saying no is not alleviating her anxiety, so there’s no right way to answer her question. Her anxiety should probably be addressed in different ways, e.g. in therapy.
We can't know. The way your girlfriend reacted is a way that plenty of allistic girls would react too, when they're coming from a place of insecurity. The reaction you describe doesn't sound unique to autism, so the only thing that can tell you *why* she reacted that way is to actually communicate with her. Ask her if she really believed you meant that or if she was upset that you joked about it or if it was something else. Or maybe it was multiple things.
that is the thing, she is extremely conflict-avoidant with me and goes almost mute when its about emotions.
she tries to cut it short because its too overwhelming, and pretends its ok
That's definitely tough to deal with in a relationship, and that tendency also isn't unique to autism, so the reason she's like that may not be because she's autistic. It could be a combination of autism and some other issue that anyone could have. It's hard to know. How do you usually respond/react when she does this?
most sources say that autistic overstimulation cant be helped with "normal" help, like talking
so I let her calm down by herself and later in a better mood ask about it, sometimes weeks later
So she does believe that the overwhelm she experiences in these situations is directly tied to her autism? Or is she not willing to talk about that?
I'm glad you give her space and are being thoughtful about her needs. I'm just trying to get a better sense of the situation/dynamic since I've known plenty of people who react the way she does for completely different reasons, whether they're autistic or not. And the reason behind it is the most important thing. Is she more comfortable talking about her feelings via writing? Like have you ever tried writing letters to each other?
yes i believe its the autism overstimulation/meltdown.
I have watched explanation videos and it matches her behavior.
not writing letters but texting.
in text she masks as me a lot and sometimes very short/neutral and sometimes love bombing and open
I'm curious, have you asked her if she knows what she needs in order to be open over text? Like a certain environment she's in, certain things it helps for you to say, anything like that? Like what makes the times that she's able to be open different from the rest of the time? If she can figure that out, then maybe you two can focus on cultivating creating that safe space, ultimately leading to you both having a lot more opportunities to have meaningful conversation.
The actual insecurity itself has to be addressed. Witty repartee will not achieve this. Try talking with her sincerely about her concerns, and listening closely to what she expresses concern about. The joke was taken as an admission of how you felt, confirming the fear she was expressing. This doesn’t help your position. Avoid joking about anything stressful or traumatic for her. Those topics will receive the least nuanced analysis.
was this one of those moments where autistics only understand it literal instead of "obviously" joking?
I would say she did yes, but not having anything to do with autism but because you've touched upon one of her deepest insecurities
She touched on her own insecurity. She repeatedly brought it up…
That's likely her asking for reassurance, imo
What you and I consider asking is completely different. If she had actually just asked, she would’ve gotten what she wanted. Instead she “joked” over and over again and now her feelings are hurt.
I would not be surprised at all by a response like this from someone who is not autistic, because of the nature of insecurity.
No, I think this isn’t autism at all. I think your gf keeps bringing up something that she’s insecure about, “as a joke”, for the reasons people normally do. To be clear, that’s not your fault. I second the advice about talking this out with her and giving her reassurance, but I also think you’d be well within your right to say “When you are feeling insecure, I am happy to reassure you… but I need you to tell me seriously. You brought this up as a “joke” so many times, and none of the times I disagreed prevented you from bringing up the joke again. So I decided to try a different approach and you got angry. It’s not fair to me that you repeatedly bring up something as a joke when what you really want is reassurance.”
The fact that she feels the need to ask you whether you like someone else (better) is unrelated to autism. She sounds deeply insecure about this relationship, potentially even deeply insecure about whether she’s lovable at all. People with this kind of insecurity will register any confirmation of these insecurities as a ‘yes’, while forgetting all signs to the contrary. The autism doesn’t help of course and this may have contributed to her taking your answer literally, but even without autism your “yea” would have gotten you into trouble. I would suggest to explain to her that you felt uncomfortable by her suggestions that you love someone else, that saying no didn’t seem to be helping and you were hoping that exposing how ridiculous this statement is by saying “yea” would help her stop doing that. Obviously saying “yea” is the wrong answer, but saying no is not alleviating her anxiety, so there’s no right way to answer her question. Her anxiety should probably be addressed in different ways, e.g. in therapy.
very good insight. I didnt reason it as insecurity before but it makes sense now
What an incredible answer! 🎉
Just keep correcting and affirming in whatever way you can that she is who you want to be with.
do you think she was taking it literal instead of jokes?
We can't know. The way your girlfriend reacted is a way that plenty of allistic girls would react too, when they're coming from a place of insecurity. The reaction you describe doesn't sound unique to autism, so the only thing that can tell you *why* she reacted that way is to actually communicate with her. Ask her if she really believed you meant that or if she was upset that you joked about it or if it was something else. Or maybe it was multiple things.
that is the thing, she is extremely conflict-avoidant with me and goes almost mute when its about emotions. she tries to cut it short because its too overwhelming, and pretends its ok
That's definitely tough to deal with in a relationship, and that tendency also isn't unique to autism, so the reason she's like that may not be because she's autistic. It could be a combination of autism and some other issue that anyone could have. It's hard to know. How do you usually respond/react when she does this?
most sources say that autistic overstimulation cant be helped with "normal" help, like talking so I let her calm down by herself and later in a better mood ask about it, sometimes weeks later
So she does believe that the overwhelm she experiences in these situations is directly tied to her autism? Or is she not willing to talk about that? I'm glad you give her space and are being thoughtful about her needs. I'm just trying to get a better sense of the situation/dynamic since I've known plenty of people who react the way she does for completely different reasons, whether they're autistic or not. And the reason behind it is the most important thing. Is she more comfortable talking about her feelings via writing? Like have you ever tried writing letters to each other?
yes i believe its the autism overstimulation/meltdown. I have watched explanation videos and it matches her behavior. not writing letters but texting. in text she masks as me a lot and sometimes very short/neutral and sometimes love bombing and open
I'm curious, have you asked her if she knows what she needs in order to be open over text? Like a certain environment she's in, certain things it helps for you to say, anything like that? Like what makes the times that she's able to be open different from the rest of the time? If she can figure that out, then maybe you two can focus on cultivating creating that safe space, ultimately leading to you both having a lot more opportunities to have meaningful conversation.
yes i thought of that too i havent asked her but I notice it myself its still good advice