LOL! My roommates mom and dad are sleeping in her room and my roommate and her bf are sleeping on our couch. I got to eat dinner in the dark with my phone flashlight last night.
Dude, next time just turn the light on. Make whatever noise you want, and tell her if she doesn't want that, she has to pay 90% of the rent for the month to make up for this.
Also, decent chance she told her parents you were cool with them staying. Mention to her parents that she lied about them not staying with you, and that you never said yes to this. If they're not uncomfortable with that... Well, that's how they raised their daughter.
Boyfriend on the couch is WILD. He can sleep in the barracks for a week Jesus. He should be paying rent anyways. And idk what 40+ yo people don’t book accommodations before going on a 10 day vacation. Why drop extra cash for tickets to HI over a holiday just to stay in miserable conditions? At that point just have your kid come to you. Sounds like she told them they were all good to stay with you guys from the start. If I was them I’d be pissed.
My parents would have been out of there the moment they realized, if they were lied to. Pretty absurd of them too if they just don't address the situation either.
Exactly this. Tiptoeing around her will do nothing but reinforce her behaviour. Live as though they aren’t there, stay up late watching tv, be loud early in the morning, have friends over etc. it’s a communal space which both of you share, she should not get to control it especially when not making the according financial contributions.
Women are actually trained to be doormats as part of their social conditioning. My poor mom put up with so much bullshit from people, it was ridiculous. She would always end up with these wounded people for friends who would suck her dry. Unfortunately she passed that tendency on to her daughters.
Why even allow that? Why are you tip toeing around an apt you pay for? I would be turning on lights, being in common areas bc it’s my home. You need to stop rolling over
You have so much power! You just need to use it correctly. I'm sure you know something about the bf that he wouldn't want his commanding officer to know.
He needs to GTFO. Immediately.
She needs to sleep in her room. If she wants to give her bed to her parents, fine, she can sleep on the floor.
But stop tiptoeing around while they're asleep on the couch. You live there too, so live your normal life.
Tell her that her parents can pay your portion of the rent since you basically had to lose what you pay for anyhow. Who the fuck goes to stay with their kid in a tiny place with no room. Sounds like she was raised by people that lived on a van for years and forgot people don't like being packed like sardines. Why are you eating in the dark? I'd turn every light in the living room on. Cook, eat, watch TV and laugh when something funny comes on. If they say something you can just say "This is a common area, I pay for it and I'm not responsible for your ridiculous failures to plan for your parents visiting. You told me they wouldn't be staying here so if this is a problem we can gladly talk to the landlord. I'm sure they'd love to know you have three extra people here for God knows how long. No? Okay I'll get back to my movie thanks."
Why is the BF staying there too???!!!! Does he have his own place or is he a couch surfer??
I’m sorry you have to deal with these thoughtless dolts, OP.
Quit being polite. You pay for half the space they're occupying, act like it.
Look at your lease. She's probably violating it. Report her to the landlord. Tell her parents they have an hour to get out of your house or the police will be called for trespassing. Quit trying with your roommate, go straight at the parents.
The "It's not cool I'm the worst roommate ever" and "you won't have to deal with me soon" is so fucking manipulative. It's putting pressure on you to now make her feel better and removes any responsibility she has at being an inconsiderate housemate.
I've had housemates do this to me in the past where I'll agree that a friend or relative of theirs stays for a night or two and it's dragged on. They know what they're doing and are just hoping you're going to be too polite to say anything while they're there and they'll deal with the aftermath later. It's bullshit immature behaviour and you have every right to be annoyed and feel taken advantage of.
This. The only way to discourage passive aggressiveness is to take it literally and agree. Get really good at playing dumb and at forcing them to reiterate their statements. Attack the "passive" part, not the "aggressive" part
Oh i hate this shit so much.
Shifting the spotlight onto them, now they've become the victim. And now I feel like the bad guy for some reason. It's manipulative and a great way to never get a real apology.
Tell your partner, "if you know this is shitty, then do better."
And doing better means knowing how to give a **real** apology.
1. Own up to your shit and what you did. Don't need excuses or explanations. Acknowledge what you did and how it affected me.
2. Be genuinely remorseful for what you did.
3. Explain what they're going to do differently so this doesn't happen again.
This is all under the assumption they were in the wrong and is truly sorry. A lot of that is subjective ofc.
So stupid.
If you dont want to breakup right away just say. "Are you? Why would i want to be with that? Care to try again? Maybe this time taking responsibility for your actions?"
Tell them, directly and bluntly, to stop doing it because it puts you in a position where you have to console *them* every time they negatively impact *you* and it's not fair. Ask them to center your feelings and your needs in those moments, and to learn to regulate their own emotions. When I say directly and bluntly, I mean it btw - it's much better to hurt their feelings than allow yourself to be misunderstood. If they still don't respect your wishes, then you have to break up or else it will never stop.
I'm saying all of this as someone who used to *be* that guy to have self-loathing meltdowns whenever presented with criticism. A lot of people do this shit due to mental health problems, but if they seriously care about you, they will put in the work to treat you the way you deserve to be treated even if it means addressing their own issues. If they don't put in that work, it is because they think you aren't worth the effort. I'm not gonna lie, this kind of self-work is not easy, but it is just simply what you do when you love someone. You better yourself for them.
And that is giving them the benefit of the doubt that it *is* a mental health issue and not a manipulation tactic, which is equally possible. The difference doesn't really matter IMO. If it doesn't stop, there is no salvaging them, one way or another.
Agree with them. There's no need to rub it in or anything but you can say "In this moment, yeah you are being a piece of shit".
This is a pattern of behaviour, generally caused by poor mental health and/or a lack of emotional maturity, so if they're not already, encourage them to seek professional help if possible. "If you feel that way then you need to work on that. It's not fair to me to have to console you every time you fuck up or do something shitty". Calling out manipulative behaviour can be awkward and tricky, and people more often than not will get defensive, so if your partner is at all volatile, tread carefully and take care of yourself first and foremost.
Manipulation like this *is* a pattern though and can be difficult to stop on the perpetrators part, and is often just one symptom of a much bigger issue. Professional help and potentially removing yourself from the situation are my recommendations, assuming either or both of those are options for you. Good luck with everything.
Yeah my bf used to do this once my cat got rough with him and a few minutes later I asked him to brush his stinky teeth and he was like “everyone hates me” and went to hide in his video game room. And when he was talking to guys online and cheating on me it was “ I was just meeting my needs” because I wasn’t giving him all the sex he needed, nothing will change unless he takes accountability and puts in work. If he does not do this and does not respond well to your boundary. Throw him away. I stayed too long. I’m recovering from an eating disorder now from that relationship. Once you start to ask yourself if this is healthy please listen to yourself and get out of your partner cannot communicate, compromise, and respect you.
I used to be the type of person to do that stuff and at the moment I really didn’t think it was manipulative and I genuinely felt and believed the things I was saying. It would be about the tiniest things, like I accidentally insulted a friend and would be like “I’m so so sorry I’m such a bad friend” instead of just leaving it at “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you I won’t do that again.” I was dealing with poor mental health, undiagnosed autism, depression, and rejection sensitive dysphoria.
The thing that made me stop doing it was when I was called out for being manipulative by a few friends. They explained to me why it was manipulative even if it wasn’t my intention and then I stopped doing it. I think you need to tell them how it is manipulative because if they’re anything like me (autistic and rejection sensitive) they may not realize what they’re doing is bad and they may genuinely feel that way about themselves.
How I fixed my internal thinking was making more friends, doing things I like, and working on my mental health. I got a therapist and started seeing her more and I made a bunch of friends at school that made me feel like I was not a piece of shit like I thought I was- people like me! Painting and writing made me appreciate my talents more and gave me more confidence in myself. I wasn’t this untalented and shitty person I was telling people that I was and I came to realize that.
Your partner could be like me and be unaware or they could be aware. They could have rejection sensitive dysphoria as well. Either way, sit down with them and tell them how you feel. Make sure you tell them you don’t think all those things about them and that those things aren’t true. Doing one thing wrong doesn’t make anyone a horrible person despite what the silly brains say. But if they keep doing it/if it fully is for manipulative reasons, I think you should debate whether it is worth it to be with them. Good luck!!
I had a roommate claim I kicked her out because I didn't beg her to stay after she pulled something similar. I hate when people try to manipulate me so I was always like "ok, bye."
My MIL does this constantly. She left a mess all over the kitchen yesterday after I had cleaned it for hours. When I demanded she clean it, she said “I know it such a HUGE mess and all, lucky you I won’t be here when I go on my cruise next week.” I told her “hey, you’re a grown woman. Start acting like it.” And that shut her up pretty quickly.
I try my best to not be rude but I do not care if I’m paying for a space I will let guests know they have to go after I talk to you about it 🤷🏾♀️ try me your mom will really know what kind of person their kid is 😂
That’s the stuff you grow out of engaging with. People like that, just want those who feel into them. They will often remove themselves from your life for you, which is nice.
See that right there. The manipulation. I don’t think the OP would even care if this person didn’t constantly manipulate. This seems like the straw that broke the camels pinky toe
I live in Hawaii so hotels can be quite pricy but not 800 dollars a night. Problem is they booked flights for 10 days without a place to stay during the week of the Fourth of July so there aren’t many options available
Ohh, you live in Hawaii? I'd imagine they never intended on staying anywhere other than your place.
I'd book flights to Hawaii immediately if I had somewhere free to stay lol
Oh this was 100% intentional. My roommate has done the same thing with the mom and the brother last year after saying they would also get an air b n b. Her mom already comes 1-2 times a year and stays with us and her sister comes 2-3 times a year and stays with us. She lied because she knows I’m not okay with 5 people in our house at a time for 10 days.
You should go search hotels in your area on google and send them links… i found hotels for $100-150 a night in Waikiki for this coming weekend through next week, not sure where you are but $800 a night is a blatant lie and something you can vefiry.
Well, they didnt and OP doesnt want the parents there so the solution would be to provide a list of other accommodations if they want a different solution rather than complaining on the internet.
Sometimes when you want things done, you need to do it yourself.
Let your landlord know, they usually won't want guests that long anyway. I'd also let them know about the BF.
Like she said, you won't have to deal with her much soon anyway.
That axe swings both ways.
i can 100% guarantee that those people are going around bragging about how they have a free place to stay in Hawaii😂😂 I’m sorry OP, but you are being taken advantage of BIIIIG TIME. I hate to be rude but it almost seems so naive to not realize this being that you literally live in hawaii with people already who don’t even pay rent lol.
Where do all these people sleep? Are parents in the couch? Most parents are too old for such shit. Or is roommate and bf in the living room? I don’t see him this is even double for a day or two. I’d be hiding in my room indefinitely.
Uhhhh I wouldn’t be splitting that at all. If there’s 5 people in the apt roommate can pay 80% of the utilities and a larger chunk of the rent. And their bf is there? I would be informing them that they will be paying for the extra people since they decided to lie
That part. When my ex moved in with me and my old roommate, we split it 3 ways. Dude stays there more than 40% of the week? He pays bills too.
Op has got to polish up her backbone
I am sure you realise you just pay for your usual usage and she will pay the rest. Do not be a doormat. In fact, you tell her you ll get a hotel she has to pay for.
I’ve researched electrical rates in Hawaii and they better pitch in. I live in Seattle and it’s $200-$400 every two months when I did the comparison to Hawaii it was $600-$800! That’s crazy
so in addition to lying about them not staying with you guys, she’s also downplaying the time they’re actually spending with you by referring to it as 1 week, when in fact it is 10 days. all around shitty roommate and friend.
I lived in Maui for 10 years and the first 2 were non-stop guests coming from the mainland.
"Yo Brian and Adam got a place in Maui, let's goooooooo"
That was friends tho, and my roommate and I grew up together so everybody knew everybody.
Still, it could be a bit much
They want to stay in your place for TEN DAYS?? With only one bathroom in the apartment? Hell no, I would tell them they can camp in their car. It’s not your problem that they didn’t plan properly. They are adults. They did this to themselves. I would literally wait until they were all there and tell them myself that them staying is too much and they need to make other arrangements.
How many times have your roommates parents visited? Can we add a clause to the roommate agreement Sheldon? Maybe they're allowed to stay for 5 days once every 3 years?
I went to Honolulu a few years ago and stayed for almost a month at an air bnb a few blocks from Waikiki beach and it cost me $2800 ($130/day). It was a condo apartment style building with a porch and community pool (never used cuz why?).
$2800+$700 airfare (MA-> SAN FRAN -> HAWAII)= $3500 total.
Even last minute bookings, you can find reasonable accommodations. Its incredible what one google search can provide.
Amazing, i found hotels in Wakiki for $100-300 a night for this coming weekend. OPs roommate is a blatant liar.
If you can’t afford to travel, you shouldn’t. Simple. Maybe roommate told her parents from the jump they could stay with her, then roommate just lied to OP. Def annoying. Hopefully it’ll be a quick stay. Make the best of it! Hawaii was a once in a lifetime thing for me. Maybe I’ll go again!
The best way to have this convo
“Hey, my parents really want to visit but cant afford a place to stay. Can they crash here for the week? I know its an inconvenience but they offered dinner to take us to dinner or cook for us in the house.”
All you have to do is be human and explain the situation, most people will be understanding. If you lie, you just look like an asshole trying to tKe advantage.
I live in an 850 sqft house. The thought of just one other person staying for a week is unpleasant.
The roommate is in the wrong and the parents are clueless dolts. If you can’t afford your own accommodation you can’t afford to visit. The roommate’s response screams childishness as well.
I honestly can’t imagine a two bedroom apartment layout that’s only 500 sq ft. I can’t imagine living with my own boyfriend in that small of space tbh lol
I believe my 2 BR/2 Bath is around 1600 sq feet, and it feels so crowded at times with just my partner and I with our two animals. I remember my old studio being around 700 sq ft and I would turn into a monster if I had to share that space with another human. Especially a roommates boyfriend and fucking parents.
my apartment is 850 sq ft and my husband and i never host because it’s just so tight. i can’t imagine more people LIVING here. i couldn’t imagine dealing with this in 500 sq ft.
The last 3 messages are so wild! You maturely expressed your concerns and feelings, the gaslighting is so odd. It is a good thing she’s moving! 😭😭 glad she said it
Can anyone explain why people are like this??? My sister is EXACTLY like the person in the texts. I cannot stand it. What on earth is this? Is it just immaturity?
The function of it is ‘I worry they think this so I’m going to say it out loud and then they’ll console me’. The effect is that it’s manipulative and annoying to have to regulate someone else’s emotions.
The last part of the emotional manipulation technique DARVO (Reverse Victim and Offender) - the offender tries to make the injured party feel bad for them
It's a mixture of avoiding responsibility and of getting away with it. People in my life don't talk to me like this because I literally call them on it - like actually stop texting and just call them. Or I confront them next time we see each other. I fucking can't stand passive aggression and when people act like the victim to get away with THEIR shitty behavior. People who are like this are used to it working.
my first ever perception of this behavior was Lilly Truscott in Hannah Montana lmfao. that scene where she's leaving the malibu house "okay.... guess i'll just go!!! forever.... i'm leaving... here i go...." lmaooo. just begging to be coddled
It's manipulation to make you the bad guy so they don't have to be accountable. You end up apologizing to them when they are the one in the wrong. Gaslighting 101
haha yeah idk. like obviously it’s not something to be proud of i’m just saying, this is unfortunately how I act too 😭 like these could literally be my texts. BPD comes with severe mood swings, narcissistic tendencies, overreactions, age regression, and more. quite commonly linked with childhood trauma. luckily my splits have not been as severe since getting sober, but I definitely still have my moments
100% she's trying to make OP feel guilty for not wanting to live on top of her housemates family, but she was actually doing that the entire time, when she brought up them not having the money and her dad never having visited before. Them staying was always the plan, and the housemate thought OP would be too embarrassed to mention it.
Op, if they only need somewhere to sleep, tell your housemate they need to be home from the house from 8am and 9pm, and the boyfriend isn't allowed while they're in town. Housemate also pays extra for every night he stays over. Your housemate did this on purpose, and is trying to make you feel guilty for your reasonable complaints. Unless she apologized, she's not going to be your friend long term, and guaranteed she's bitching about you behind your back.
At first I was thinking the roommate was finally realizing how lame it was to have them stay. But, nope. Next sentence cemented they fact that she’s from Crazy Town
Oh we don’t fit that’s the problem! There’s always someone in the bathroom and I’ve been avoiding the living room/kitchen when they are here since there is no space.
“You’re making me guilty for my family spending time with me” uhhh yeah that’s what happens when your shitty behaviour and lies affects the people you live with who PAY to live there 🤦♂️ some people need a wake up call
2 or 3 days is whatever, still too long for such a small apt but a WEEK and she thought it was fine for them to stay and not atleast say “plans changed they need to stay here, is that ok” 😅
I have a house and when we had guests stay extra days I was irritated and ready for them to leave 😂
this is where my mind went to too. bring your loudest most obnoxious 5 friends over and take up space in the kitchen and living room for a few days, have them stay until late at night too to really inconvenience whoever is sleeping on the sofa. hopefully their parents get annoyed and find a hotel or at least start planning activities to be away from the house. if you really want to be petty start having loud sex in your room and make everyone uncomfy, or play pornhub through a speaker and it will have the same effect. walk around as naked as possible, it is summer and you’re too warm to wear pants or shorts that cover your ass cheeks. microwave tuna for a tuna sandwich and stink the whole place up.
my point is to take up space in your own home. stop tiptoeing around and letting them inconvenience you. you need to become the inconvenience for them. as a bonus they will never ever book a flight there again without booking their hotel accommodation first!
When people start boohooing/guilt tripping saying “oh I’m the worst roommate/mother/friend etc” I’ve just started agreeing with them. It catches them so off guard it usually stops the guilt trip in its path.
Most leases have an agreement that people who aren’t tenants can’t stay for more than 4-5 days. Be careful because that could backfire on you and you could be in violation of your lease.
Your roommate’s dismissive behavior shows her character. Own your shit if you’re an adult. Let her know this falls on you too if the leasing office or landlord find out multiple people that aren’t on your lease are staying there.
A lot of places have maximum occupancy for safety reasons I'm sure. Everyone I know has a time limit on guests on their apartments. Theu can be as small as like 3 days in a row even.
UPDATE: Her family got a hotel for the next two days! This is not ideal but at least I can sit on my couch for two days. Thank you for the overwhelming support, I feel validated that I am NTA.
For those of you who thinks this is okay on my roommates part, that’s completely fine, everyone is different. For me, it was a culmination of little things such as: her family using my clean towels instead of hers, my toothbrush being wet from theirs laying against mine, eating in the dark, not being able to shower when I want, etc. with no warning.
With the exception of my sister 1 time, my family stays at hotels or air b n b when they visit me. We’ve had discussions in the past that 2 guests is too much for the space and agrees with me in the moment just to disregard when convenient for her. Her sister just stayed for 10 days a month ago, and visits probably 3 times a year. This is not a one off situation, which is why I am not able to let it slide this time.
I don't really believe the people who are on the roommate's side would deal with this particularly well, they're just being contrarian. Or they're imagining the parents in their space, where they may have room to have 3 guests (with the boyfriend, it's 3, which means when the sister stays, it's 2 guests) staying in their house for 10 days.
It was very kind of you to eat in the dark and not shower when they were sleeping, but I probably wouldn't have done that. I probably wouldn't have gone as scorched earth as I earlier suggested, but I definitely would have not gone out of my way to make it easy for your housemate to have guests stay over for more than a week. In the past, me and a friend went to another state to visit a different friend. We stayed at her house for one night, and I felt plenty guilty that one of her housemates was clearly being extra quiet when they got up in the morning (bought them drinks when we were out to make up for it). We paid for a hotel in the city for the extra nights that we would have been around so that we could have our own space, and also so we weren't cramping their space. This is just a decent thing to do. I can't imagine sleeping on somebody's couch for 10 days multiple times a year and not feeling really guilty.
Nothing mature about OP’s handling. She doesn’t have a spine. She mentions in comments that the roommate did the same thing when the mother and sister visited in the last year. She needs to contact their landlord, kick these people out, and/or make roommate boyfriend’s pay rent. I mean, she’s just rolling over and taking it without Vaseline. Ridiculous.
I agree. OP hasn't handled the situation at all.
Time to set some boundaries... Starting with telling everyone who isn't on the lease they need to find other accommodations immediately. This is not a discussion, do not entertain any arguments, do not let them stay one more night. The amount of people in such a small space likely violates a local law or some sort of housing code..I would absolutely make any (non violent, non illegal) threats necessary to get them out.
Once the family returns home, OP and the roommate need to either get on the same page or find different living arrangements.
You’re not crazy, OP. It’s your apartment just as much as roommate’s and they’re taking up all the common space plus lying about it. What about all the utilities they’re using? If it’s too expensive for parents to get a room, they could’ve just paid for the roommate to fly to their home or waited until the roommate moved (presumably with their bf.)
I think you worded your texts very maturely and handled a difficult situation the best you could. I’m sorry you’ve had to live with such a selfish person.
Even without the fact that it's a small space. It's extremely rude to just expect guests to stay for a week without the other person agreeing to it.
Even if it were a 3 bedroom home. I'd still be riddled with anxiety and feeling like I have to walk on eggshells in my own home. I'd be so pissed.
Why are you being a doormat? Eating in silence with a flashlight?! wtf. Why are you trying to accommodate them? Your housemate is NOT your friend. The whole manipulative narcissistic BS “oh I’m so sorry I’m such a shit friend and blah blah bs”…
“Roommate, I am no longer going to deal with the disrespect you’ve shown me. I’ve messaged the landlord about the fact you’ve moved in 3 extra people and I feel unsafe in my home. Please tell your boyfriend he is only allowed to visit on the weekend and I expect your parents to be out by tomorrow or I will contact the landlord again and start taking things further. I will no longer fund yours and your families lifestyle. I’ve also changed the password for the WiFi. Until you pay half, you will not be using it. Again, have your guests removed within 24 hours.”
Exactly my thoughts! The roommate has lied to her before about having her family over for extended periods of time. And OP is getting steamrolled and doing nothing about it except complain on Reddit.
My son and I live in a unit roughly the same size so I feel your pain! My best friend had to quickly exit a relationship and I ended up with her and her 3 girls (14,13 and 2) living in my lounge room for about 2 weeks and it was a nightmare for me. Was so grateful when she managed to get emergency accommodation before a more permanent house.
I'm also in a tourist town and it's school holidays at the moment so of course prices are high but my dad, who is visiting tomorrow with my nephew for a few days, has booked into the cheapest accommodation he could find, knowing that we don't have the room and they'll only be there to sleep, the rest of the time we'll be out and about.
A lot of people only think of themselves these days 🤦♀️
And unfortunately a lot of people have money issues these days as well, but that doesn’t give you the right to take advantage of your roommate. The fact that the *boyfriend* is still staying there blows my mind 😤
I have money issues too but I can't imagine booking a 10 day holiday without 100% confirming somewhere I can stay!!
Kinda makes me wonder if the roommate told her fam from the get-go that they're welcome to stay... The boyfriend makes it so much worse!!
20 years since I've had to deal with roommates and it doesn't sound like much has changed...
It’s been 20 years for me as well! Fortunately my last roommate was a good person, he and I lived together for ten years. I can count the incidents we had on one hand and still have fingers left.
Love it! My last housemate 20 years ago was one of my best friends and we had a bit of a falling out over bills etc when she left, as everything was in my name, we were young and dumb and I thought it was the end. Luckily we both grew up and she paid me back a year or so later, and we've been great friends ever since. She now lives in another state close to a touristy area, with her hubby in a huge house and I have a cheap place to holiday hahaha score!
Wow. She and her family are very inconsiderate
Make sure she pays up for their share of power and water! Check the bill and do the maths. Get an earlier reading if she’s leaving soon - so you don’t get left with the huge bill.
Actually the parents should be thinking of that and contributing for expenses, especially as saving so much on NOT paying for hotel or Air BnB. Though maybe she gets her lack of awareness from them. …. In fact raise it while they are still there. Maybe in front of them (what’s to lose..)
And her bf should be chipping in for power, water etc anyway, if he spends so much time there you should only pay a third.
This same thing happened when my partner moved in with me years ago close to a coastal town. His family just tried to use us as a free vacation spot. Wasn't so much an issue them because we had room and I get it, very expensive area. But they brought their friends a few times and that's when I called it. The first time they came they hung out with us and went on a few adventures on their own of course, but the final time they weren't ever there and spent like 4 hours with my partner and broke their heart so hell no. Not a vacation home free for your use whenever convenient. In your case, it's not like a night or two. A week unconfirmed with you is insane.
I had a housemate lie to me around having his parents over. Originally said they’d be over during the Christmas period, but left out that by ‘his parents’ that also meant his sister, brother and their partner as well.
So I spent that Christmas, with my whole family overseas, feeling like an interloper in another family’s Christmas because I didn’t know about the extra three adults until it was too late.
He was a grub.
This person seems unwell. Do you honestly love them, like was this a close friend prior to the roommate situation? I'm getting the vibe that you walk on eggshells around this person, that will blow up soon. I'm betting within the month you're going to hate her fucking guts. Just being realistic.
I do love her like a sister. And I don’t really walk on eggshells but try to be intentional with my words because most people don’t think before they speak. Unfortunately I don’t think she respects me the way I respect her.
i had a roommate do the exact same thing except her parents also had covid and she didn’t tell anyone. to this day if i see that psycho around it enrages me all the inconsiderate stuff she got away with.
she also almost killed my cat multiple times and ADMITTED it was more than just neglect, bc her cat got sick and she just decided it was my cat’s fault even though the vet confirmed it would be impossible to accurately place blame in that way. she admitted she might’ve been intentionally harming my cat because she blamed him for getting her cat sick, she’s probably a psychopath and i pity anyone who ever has to meet her. also when she had her family come to stay when they had covid it was during the move out, and she left about HALF her belongings including dressers bed frames and bricks (??) that we all had to spend 5 hours over the time we were supposed to be moved out cleaning up for her so we could get our security deposit back. she also dated a NAZI when we were friends (we’re BOTH JEWISH????) and was extremely against ending the relationship even after seeing his views. complete psycho. i wish i could warn everyone who ever meets her bc it would’ve saved me a lot of time and effort put into a friendship with someone who is barely human. there’s definitely more too 😭
also she’s one of those “cosplays as poor” white college students 😒 My parents made some substantial money in the time since i’ve been in college and i’ve always been open with my friends about my family being decently well off (at this point, although I did not grow up wealthy at all) and in our friend group it was just known that my parents had money and almost everyone else’s parents were middle class/lower middle class. she in particular would constantly talk about “being poor” and different ways to save money and cut corners, telling stories about living without very much, etc. Come to find out, her family is pretty much on the same financial level as mine, and her family owns a lucrative property in DC they rent out (they are landlords) as well her parent having a full time high paying job!! they apparently just used to be less well off (just like my family!) and she wants to hold onto her pretend oppression for as long as possible. and she’s one of those college students that has a credit card her family gave her to spend whenever she wants and she never sees the bill, which isn’t even something i’ve ever had, even though i was always “the rich one”. I guess i was just the only honest one 🤷♀️
If someone can’t afford a place to stay, then they should not be traveling. A vacation is a want/luxury, and I’m saying this as someone who hasn’t had a real vacation in nearly a decade. The one I did have was planned and paid out over months and nothing fancy.
She knew exactly what she was doing and so did they
Her parents aren’t together?
Neither of them Can afford a hotel?
Why wouldn’t they want to get a hotel?
When we visit with family we WANT a hotel.
The fuck?
If my friend lied to me and tricked me like that about her family staying in OUR home I would quickly realize that she was not the friend that I thought she was. That was a rotten thing to do to you.
No way they’re trying to guilt trip you 😭 “yeah I’m the worst roommate ever good thing I’m moving away” they expect you to be like “aww no don’t say that” when you should have said “yeah you’re right thank god you’re moving”
I get cranky is there is an extra person sitting on my couch. Also, who spends $800 a night for a Airbnb? Are they planning on staying at Buckingham Palace.
Update, PLEASE!
I hope the best friend sitch is in past tense
They are still here. I assume they’ll be staying at the hotel for 2 days out of their 10 day stay. Roommate and I haven’t spoken since the texts but I fully plan on telling her how fucked up the situation is in person so she can’t throw herself a pity party.
Don’t assume, ask the parents directly. “So when are you guys leaving for your hotel? Roommate said you’d only be a week, so I figured she meant you had a hotel booked”.
This isn’t okay. I’d explain you want your half of the rent paid for by her family if they intend to sleep there another night. If they couldn’t afford it, they shouldn’t have come. This is so disgustingly unfair to you. The bf wouldn’t be allowed back over for a month after this if it were me. She reached her lifetime guest max.
This fucking attempt at a guilt trip. Don't fall for it. They are a terrible roommate and they lied. How embarrassing that their parents wouldn't make better plans than to squash up with a stranger for free. I'd be mortified putting someone out like this.
I don’t think the people in the comments realize how small 500 sq ft is….also one bathroom and 6 people for 10 days?? That’s enough to make me lose my shit
I had a roommate exactly like this and we were best friends. After about the 3rd time she responded to me like this I said hey I’m moving out and found my own place. It totally ruined our relationship. I just could not be around someone that refused to have a simple conversation. It was like she perceived everything as a personal attack and always ended in me apologizing to her if I wanted things to be good again. Just absolutely bizarre.
I hate when people say something like “I’m sorry that you FEEL taken advantage of”.
Like…no bitch. I don’t “feel” taken advantage of. I 100% WAS taken advantage of.
A huge sign of someone who is manipulative and narcissistic is someone who says shit like that.
What parents or bf would want to stay in that situation? I don’t go out to eat or to the bar if I can’t tip. If people don’t have money for accommodations they shouldn’t travel unless it’s with a tent.
OP, your roommate is only able to do what you allow her to get away with. I’ve commented something similar before on this sub, but basically they’ve tested your boundaries and found what your limit (or lack thereof) is.
They have no incentive to change their behavior if they’re not getting consistent pushback. I appreciate that you’re trying to be nice at first, but when that doesn’t work you just have to be more firm. Your roommates parents are going to go home soon, but you still should put your foot down about the bf staying every night.
You should not be so uncomfortable in your own home.
I have a large home 4 bed 3.4 bath, two story. My parents live about 2 hours from me and when they visit they book their own hotel/airbnb so they don’t inconvenience my children or me. I can’t imagine anyone thinking it’s okay to stay in a home this small. I would charge them a portion or the utility bills and rent. And start charging the boyfriend too. Maybe look for a new place too and drop the “friend” because she doesn’t care about you.
Take a long time in the bathroom, turn lights on while they are sleeping, use the sentence "sorry but I was not expecting guests this week and I have to work/eat/study" a lot. Make sure every person knows they are not welcome. Call your landlord and say you have extra guests staying over a week you did not approve some will help you kick them out because it is a fire hazard or not on the insurance.
Your friend is trying to gaslight you. She’s also not your friend. These texts looks like they’re from an abusive relationship. Jesus.
Edit: you’re letting her walk all over you. I agree with another commenter, you should call your landlord.
instantly knew this was hawaii. hated this the most when living with roommates. this has happened to literally everyone who lives with transplants on island 😭 i am so, so sorry. Tell her that they need to pay for you to stay somewhere else if they refuse to get out. five people in one apartment here is WAY too hot
I get that it’s annoying she lied; and I’m ready to be eaten alive in the comments but you live in Hawaii, you’re young 24 year olds, it makes sense she would have people over to stay.
It’s family; you said she does it 1-2 times a year. It’s her house too. She could’ve been up front but given your reaction she probably just didn’t want to ask you knowing you’ll say no.
It’s a shared space. She can use it too, even if that means having people over. It’s a few weeks out of the year. She’s not being a bad roommate
Okay can’t wait to get told I am a dick and don’t understand anything
Where the hell is everybody sleeping?
LOL! My roommates mom and dad are sleeping in her room and my roommate and her bf are sleeping on our couch. I got to eat dinner in the dark with my phone flashlight last night.
Dude, next time just turn the light on. Make whatever noise you want, and tell her if she doesn't want that, she has to pay 90% of the rent for the month to make up for this. Also, decent chance she told her parents you were cool with them staying. Mention to her parents that she lied about them not staying with you, and that you never said yes to this. If they're not uncomfortable with that... Well, that's how they raised their daughter.
Boyfriend on the couch is WILD. He can sleep in the barracks for a week Jesus. He should be paying rent anyways. And idk what 40+ yo people don’t book accommodations before going on a 10 day vacation. Why drop extra cash for tickets to HI over a holiday just to stay in miserable conditions? At that point just have your kid come to you. Sounds like she told them they were all good to stay with you guys from the start. If I was them I’d be pissed.
My parents would have been out of there the moment they realized, if they were lied to. Pretty absurd of them too if they just don't address the situation either.
Absolutely
That's bad, you need to make it inconvenient for them, lights on, watching TV etc. As someone else mentioned, have a party.
Exactly this. Tiptoeing around her will do nothing but reinforce her behaviour. Live as though they aren’t there, stay up late watching tv, be loud early in the morning, have friends over etc. it’s a communal space which both of you share, she should not get to control it especially when not making the according financial contributions.
Agree. You pay half the bills! Stop being so nice! I say this as a person who suffers from terminal niceness.
Being nice doesn’t mean you don’t enforce boundaries and let people walk all over you. That’s being a doormat. From a fellow doormat.
Women are actually trained to be doormats as part of their social conditioning. My poor mom put up with so much bullshit from people, it was ridiculous. She would always end up with these wounded people for friends who would suck her dry. Unfortunately she passed that tendency on to her daughters.
Why can’t your room mate and boyfriend sleep at his house?
He is military and lives in barracks. When I said “practically lives here” I was being generous. He sleeps here every night.
Bills should not be split 1/2 should be split 1/3 in that case, or 1/5 if these folks dont find a hotel........
Oh hell no!!!
Why even allow that? Why are you tip toeing around an apt you pay for? I would be turning on lights, being in common areas bc it’s my home. You need to stop rolling over
I'd be "dropping" every metal pot and pan I own. Oops. 🤷🏻♀️
You have so much power! You just need to use it correctly. I'm sure you know something about the bf that he wouldn't want his commanding officer to know.
He needs to GTFO. Immediately. She needs to sleep in her room. If she wants to give her bed to her parents, fine, she can sleep on the floor. But stop tiptoeing around while they're asleep on the couch. You live there too, so live your normal life.
You’re still being way too nice. You eat with the lights on. They don’t care about inconveniencing you, so don’t care how you inconvenience them.
Tell her that her parents can pay your portion of the rent since you basically had to lose what you pay for anyhow. Who the fuck goes to stay with their kid in a tiny place with no room. Sounds like she was raised by people that lived on a van for years and forgot people don't like being packed like sardines. Why are you eating in the dark? I'd turn every light in the living room on. Cook, eat, watch TV and laugh when something funny comes on. If they say something you can just say "This is a common area, I pay for it and I'm not responsible for your ridiculous failures to plan for your parents visiting. You told me they wouldn't be staying here so if this is a problem we can gladly talk to the landlord. I'm sure they'd love to know you have three extra people here for God knows how long. No? Okay I'll get back to my movie thanks."
Why is the BF staying there too???!!!! Does he have his own place or is he a couch surfer?? I’m sorry you have to deal with these thoughtless dolts, OP.
Barracks apparently. He’s in the military
Quit being polite. You pay for half the space they're occupying, act like it. Look at your lease. She's probably violating it. Report her to the landlord. Tell her parents they have an hour to get out of your house or the police will be called for trespassing. Quit trying with your roommate, go straight at the parents.
Stop accommodating this nonsense. Much love.
The "It's not cool I'm the worst roommate ever" and "you won't have to deal with me soon" is so fucking manipulative. It's putting pressure on you to now make her feel better and removes any responsibility she has at being an inconsiderate housemate. I've had housemates do this to me in the past where I'll agree that a friend or relative of theirs stays for a night or two and it's dragged on. They know what they're doing and are just hoping you're going to be too polite to say anything while they're there and they'll deal with the aftermath later. It's bullshit immature behaviour and you have every right to be annoyed and feel taken advantage of.
I came to say how much I hate that manipulative shit. I would have replied "yes, you're being a shitty roommate, thank you for taking accountability"
This. The only way to discourage passive aggressiveness is to take it literally and agree. Get really good at playing dumb and at forcing them to reiterate their statements. Attack the "passive" part, not the "aggressive" part
and tell them to pay for 75% of the utilities that month
My partner pulls out the “I’m just a piece of shit” anytime I have a complaint. Any tips for how to deal with it?
Oh i hate this shit so much. Shifting the spotlight onto them, now they've become the victim. And now I feel like the bad guy for some reason. It's manipulative and a great way to never get a real apology. Tell your partner, "if you know this is shitty, then do better." And doing better means knowing how to give a **real** apology. 1. Own up to your shit and what you did. Don't need excuses or explanations. Acknowledge what you did and how it affected me. 2. Be genuinely remorseful for what you did. 3. Explain what they're going to do differently so this doesn't happen again. This is all under the assumption they were in the wrong and is truly sorry. A lot of that is subjective ofc. So stupid.
If you dont want to breakup right away just say. "Are you? Why would i want to be with that? Care to try again? Maybe this time taking responsibility for your actions?"
Solid gold.
Just agree with them until they stop doing that.
Tell them, directly and bluntly, to stop doing it because it puts you in a position where you have to console *them* every time they negatively impact *you* and it's not fair. Ask them to center your feelings and your needs in those moments, and to learn to regulate their own emotions. When I say directly and bluntly, I mean it btw - it's much better to hurt their feelings than allow yourself to be misunderstood. If they still don't respect your wishes, then you have to break up or else it will never stop. I'm saying all of this as someone who used to *be* that guy to have self-loathing meltdowns whenever presented with criticism. A lot of people do this shit due to mental health problems, but if they seriously care about you, they will put in the work to treat you the way you deserve to be treated even if it means addressing their own issues. If they don't put in that work, it is because they think you aren't worth the effort. I'm not gonna lie, this kind of self-work is not easy, but it is just simply what you do when you love someone. You better yourself for them. And that is giving them the benefit of the doubt that it *is* a mental health issue and not a manipulation tactic, which is equally possible. The difference doesn't really matter IMO. If it doesn't stop, there is no salvaging them, one way or another.
Yes, break up with them.
Agree with them. There's no need to rub it in or anything but you can say "In this moment, yeah you are being a piece of shit". This is a pattern of behaviour, generally caused by poor mental health and/or a lack of emotional maturity, so if they're not already, encourage them to seek professional help if possible. "If you feel that way then you need to work on that. It's not fair to me to have to console you every time you fuck up or do something shitty". Calling out manipulative behaviour can be awkward and tricky, and people more often than not will get defensive, so if your partner is at all volatile, tread carefully and take care of yourself first and foremost. Manipulation like this *is* a pattern though and can be difficult to stop on the perpetrators part, and is often just one symptom of a much bigger issue. Professional help and potentially removing yourself from the situation are my recommendations, assuming either or both of those are options for you. Good luck with everything.
Yeah my bf used to do this once my cat got rough with him and a few minutes later I asked him to brush his stinky teeth and he was like “everyone hates me” and went to hide in his video game room. And when he was talking to guys online and cheating on me it was “ I was just meeting my needs” because I wasn’t giving him all the sex he needed, nothing will change unless he takes accountability and puts in work. If he does not do this and does not respond well to your boundary. Throw him away. I stayed too long. I’m recovering from an eating disorder now from that relationship. Once you start to ask yourself if this is healthy please listen to yourself and get out of your partner cannot communicate, compromise, and respect you.
I used to be the type of person to do that stuff and at the moment I really didn’t think it was manipulative and I genuinely felt and believed the things I was saying. It would be about the tiniest things, like I accidentally insulted a friend and would be like “I’m so so sorry I’m such a bad friend” instead of just leaving it at “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you I won’t do that again.” I was dealing with poor mental health, undiagnosed autism, depression, and rejection sensitive dysphoria. The thing that made me stop doing it was when I was called out for being manipulative by a few friends. They explained to me why it was manipulative even if it wasn’t my intention and then I stopped doing it. I think you need to tell them how it is manipulative because if they’re anything like me (autistic and rejection sensitive) they may not realize what they’re doing is bad and they may genuinely feel that way about themselves. How I fixed my internal thinking was making more friends, doing things I like, and working on my mental health. I got a therapist and started seeing her more and I made a bunch of friends at school that made me feel like I was not a piece of shit like I thought I was- people like me! Painting and writing made me appreciate my talents more and gave me more confidence in myself. I wasn’t this untalented and shitty person I was telling people that I was and I came to realize that. Your partner could be like me and be unaware or they could be aware. They could have rejection sensitive dysphoria as well. Either way, sit down with them and tell them how you feel. Make sure you tell them you don’t think all those things about them and that those things aren’t true. Doing one thing wrong doesn’t make anyone a horrible person despite what the silly brains say. But if they keep doing it/if it fully is for manipulative reasons, I think you should debate whether it is worth it to be with them. Good luck!!
I had a roommate claim I kicked her out because I didn't beg her to stay after she pulled something similar. I hate when people try to manipulate me so I was always like "ok, bye."
My MIL does this constantly. She left a mess all over the kitchen yesterday after I had cleaned it for hours. When I demanded she clean it, she said “I know it such a HUGE mess and all, lucky you I won’t be here when I go on my cruise next week.” I told her “hey, you’re a grown woman. Start acting like it.” And that shut her up pretty quickly.
I try my best to not be rude but I do not care if I’m paying for a space I will let guests know they have to go after I talk to you about it 🤷🏾♀️ try me your mom will really know what kind of person their kid is 😂
"you won't have to deal with me soon" "Good" should be the OP's response.
That’s the stuff you grow out of engaging with. People like that, just want those who feel into them. They will often remove themselves from your life for you, which is nice.
I came here to say this! You said it wonderfully.
See that right there. The manipulation. I don’t think the OP would even care if this person didn’t constantly manipulate. This seems like the straw that broke the camels pinky toe
I’m sorry but what hotel / airbnb is 800$ a night ? 😂
I live in Hawaii so hotels can be quite pricy but not 800 dollars a night. Problem is they booked flights for 10 days without a place to stay during the week of the Fourth of July so there aren’t many options available
Ohh, you live in Hawaii? I'd imagine they never intended on staying anywhere other than your place. I'd book flights to Hawaii immediately if I had somewhere free to stay lol
Oh this was 100% intentional. My roommate has done the same thing with the mom and the brother last year after saying they would also get an air b n b. Her mom already comes 1-2 times a year and stays with us and her sister comes 2-3 times a year and stays with us. She lied because she knows I’m not okay with 5 people in our house at a time for 10 days.
She’s is absolutely the asshole here.
Tell your landlord roommate is breaking lease rules, if applicable
Yeah, at my apartment anyone who stays longer than 48 hours is technically subletting and thats straight up clause for eviction.
My apartment is 14 days so it depends on the lease.
One bathroom for 5 people 😵💫
You should go search hotels in your area on google and send them links… i found hotels for $100-150 a night in Waikiki for this coming weekend through next week, not sure where you are but $800 a night is a blatant lie and something you can vefiry.
The onus for finding accommodation lies with them, not OP. This is disrespectful af. I’d be pissed
Well, they didnt and OP doesnt want the parents there so the solution would be to provide a list of other accommodations if they want a different solution rather than complaining on the internet. Sometimes when you want things done, you need to do it yourself.
Let your landlord know, they usually won't want guests that long anyway. I'd also let them know about the BF. Like she said, you won't have to deal with her much soon anyway. That axe swings both ways.
10 days is not a week! She is right, she is the worst roomate.
I’d be so pissed, what an asshole.
i can 100% guarantee that those people are going around bragging about how they have a free place to stay in Hawaii😂😂 I’m sorry OP, but you are being taken advantage of BIIIIG TIME. I hate to be rude but it almost seems so naive to not realize this being that you literally live in hawaii with people already who don’t even pay rent lol.
I would put an absolute end to any of her family or friends staying again.
10 days is a nightmare. The family is also incredibly inconsiderate. I’d feel so uncomfortable doing that for that amount of time.
Where do all these people sleep? Are parents in the couch? Most parents are too old for such shit. Or is roommate and bf in the living room? I don’t see him this is even double for a day or two. I’d be hiding in my room indefinitely.
Exactly… lol I’m speculating too that paying for a hotel was never part of the plan.
Sounds like that’s a them problem. Who pays water/ electric?
We split both and I pay wifi. I’m sure electric will be high this month
She gonna have to cough up some money for what her parents used.
Uhhhh I wouldn’t be splitting that at all. If there’s 5 people in the apt roommate can pay 80% of the utilities and a larger chunk of the rent. And their bf is there? I would be informing them that they will be paying for the extra people since they decided to lie
That part. When my ex moved in with me and my old roommate, we split it 3 ways. Dude stays there more than 40% of the week? He pays bills too. Op has got to polish up her backbone
DO NOT pay half the bills this month. Stand up for yourself!
I am sure you realise you just pay for your usual usage and she will pay the rest. Do not be a doormat. In fact, you tell her you ll get a hotel she has to pay for.
I’ve researched electrical rates in Hawaii and they better pitch in. I live in Seattle and it’s $200-$400 every two months when I did the comparison to Hawaii it was $600-$800! That’s crazy
Yeah, she needs to pay the whole bill for this month. It’s literally the least she can do.
Wait, what? You pay the wifi? Time to cut her access off until she pays her fair share.
so in addition to lying about them not staying with you guys, she’s also downplaying the time they’re actually spending with you by referring to it as 1 week, when in fact it is 10 days. all around shitty roommate and friend.
Sounds like they had a place to stay and everybody but you were aware of it. The plan the entire time was for them to stay at your place OP lol
I lived in Maui for 10 years and the first 2 were non-stop guests coming from the mainland. "Yo Brian and Adam got a place in Maui, let's goooooooo" That was friends tho, and my roommate and I grew up together so everybody knew everybody. Still, it could be a bit much
They want to stay in your place for TEN DAYS?? With only one bathroom in the apartment? Hell no, I would tell them they can camp in their car. It’s not your problem that they didn’t plan properly. They are adults. They did this to themselves. I would literally wait until they were all there and tell them myself that them staying is too much and they need to make other arrangements.
Then the plan was always for them to stay with yall. They probably never even considered getting a hotel or bnb
I went to Maui in Jan 2024, for 3 ppl for a week in an Airbnb was about $1100. She def lying
How many times have your roommates parents visited? Can we add a clause to the roommate agreement Sheldon? Maybe they're allowed to stay for 5 days once every 3 years?
I went to Honolulu a few years ago and stayed for almost a month at an air bnb a few blocks from Waikiki beach and it cost me $2800 ($130/day). It was a condo apartment style building with a porch and community pool (never used cuz why?). $2800+$700 airfare (MA-> SAN FRAN -> HAWAII)= $3500 total.
Even last minute bookings, you can find reasonable accommodations. Its incredible what one google search can provide. Amazing, i found hotels in Wakiki for $100-300 a night for this coming weekend. OPs roommate is a blatant liar.
If you can’t afford to travel, you shouldn’t. Simple. Maybe roommate told her parents from the jump they could stay with her, then roommate just lied to OP. Def annoying. Hopefully it’ll be a quick stay. Make the best of it! Hawaii was a once in a lifetime thing for me. Maybe I’ll go again!
The best way to have this convo “Hey, my parents really want to visit but cant afford a place to stay. Can they crash here for the week? I know its an inconvenience but they offered dinner to take us to dinner or cook for us in the house.” All you have to do is be human and explain the situation, most people will be understanding. If you lie, you just look like an asshole trying to tKe advantage.
i think you’re in the right . idk why everyone else disagrees. 500 sq ft is sooo small
700 is too fucking small to have 5 extra people just VISITING. I can't imagine 500 😨
I live in an 850 sqft house. The thought of just one other person staying for a week is unpleasant. The roommate is in the wrong and the parents are clueless dolts. If you can’t afford your own accommodation you can’t afford to visit. The roommate’s response screams childishness as well.
We have a 1100 sqft house and we are a family of 4. I feel our house is too small now. I couldn’t imagine being a small space with everyone
Right… I live in a 500 sq ft studio and feel it’s just bordering not enough space… and I live alone.
I honestly can’t imagine a two bedroom apartment layout that’s only 500 sq ft. I can’t imagine living with my own boyfriend in that small of space tbh lol
I have a one bedroom that’s 530 sq ft. I could not imagine somehow fitting another bedroom in this place. That’s insane.
I believe my 2 BR/2 Bath is around 1600 sq feet, and it feels so crowded at times with just my partner and I with our two animals. I remember my old studio being around 700 sq ft and I would turn into a monster if I had to share that space with another human. Especially a roommates boyfriend and fucking parents.
my apartment is 850 sq ft and my husband and i never host because it’s just so tight. i can’t imagine more people LIVING here. i couldn’t imagine dealing with this in 500 sq ft.
I have 950 sqft, two bathrooms, and it still feels crowded with just 2 people
The last 3 messages are so wild! You maturely expressed your concerns and feelings, the gaslighting is so odd. It is a good thing she’s moving! 😭😭 glad she said it
Can anyone explain why people are like this??? My sister is EXACTLY like the person in the texts. I cannot stand it. What on earth is this? Is it just immaturity?
The function of it is ‘I worry they think this so I’m going to say it out loud and then they’ll console me’. The effect is that it’s manipulative and annoying to have to regulate someone else’s emotions.
The last part of the emotional manipulation technique DARVO (Reverse Victim and Offender) - the offender tries to make the injured party feel bad for them
It's a mixture of avoiding responsibility and of getting away with it. People in my life don't talk to me like this because I literally call them on it - like actually stop texting and just call them. Or I confront them next time we see each other. I fucking can't stand passive aggression and when people act like the victim to get away with THEIR shitty behavior. People who are like this are used to it working.
my first ever perception of this behavior was Lilly Truscott in Hannah Montana lmfao. that scene where she's leaving the malibu house "okay.... guess i'll just go!!! forever.... i'm leaving... here i go...." lmaooo. just begging to be coddled
It's manipulation to make you the bad guy so they don't have to be accountable. You end up apologizing to them when they are the one in the wrong. Gaslighting 101
look into BPD (borderline personality disorder). I have it. This is exactly how I act when I’m splitting. I hate it, but I can’t control it.
Why are you being downvoted? This is valuable contribution
haha yeah idk. like obviously it’s not something to be proud of i’m just saying, this is unfortunately how I act too 😭 like these could literally be my texts. BPD comes with severe mood swings, narcissistic tendencies, overreactions, age regression, and more. quite commonly linked with childhood trauma. luckily my splits have not been as severe since getting sober, but I definitely still have my moments
100% she's trying to make OP feel guilty for not wanting to live on top of her housemates family, but she was actually doing that the entire time, when she brought up them not having the money and her dad never having visited before. Them staying was always the plan, and the housemate thought OP would be too embarrassed to mention it. Op, if they only need somewhere to sleep, tell your housemate they need to be home from the house from 8am and 9pm, and the boyfriend isn't allowed while they're in town. Housemate also pays extra for every night he stays over. Your housemate did this on purpose, and is trying to make you feel guilty for your reasonable complaints. Unless she apologized, she's not going to be your friend long term, and guaranteed she's bitching about you behind your back.
“Sorry I’m such a piece of shit I’ll leave” Uh thanks?
At first I was thinking the roommate was finally realizing how lame it was to have them stay. But, nope. Next sentence cemented they fact that she’s from Crazy Town
How do all those people fit in a 500 sq foot apt? Like you guys would literally be in each other’s faces 24:7
Oh we don’t fit that’s the problem! There’s always someone in the bathroom and I’ve been avoiding the living room/kitchen when they are here since there is no space.
Yeah that’s completely fucked and unacceptable.
“You’re making me guilty for my family spending time with me” uhhh yeah that’s what happens when your shitty behaviour and lies affects the people you live with who PAY to live there 🤦♂️ some people need a wake up call
“You’re making me feel shitty” YOU LIED GIRL YOU DESERVE TO FEEL SHITTY 🗣️
"you're making me feel shitty" "well if you didn't feel shitty for lying to me that would be real concerning"
2 or 3 days is whatever, still too long for such a small apt but a WEEK and she thought it was fine for them to stay and not atleast say “plans changed they need to stay here, is that ok” 😅 I have a house and when we had guests stay extra days I was irritated and ready for them to leave 😂
It's actually 10 days!
Even worse 😭😭
Why don’t you bring some friends over and really fill the space? That should help show the perspective of people being around without notice
Good idea but not everyone have free friends that will just come and fill space
I’d just hire people off Craigslist or Facebook 🤣
this is where my mind went to too. bring your loudest most obnoxious 5 friends over and take up space in the kitchen and living room for a few days, have them stay until late at night too to really inconvenience whoever is sleeping on the sofa. hopefully their parents get annoyed and find a hotel or at least start planning activities to be away from the house. if you really want to be petty start having loud sex in your room and make everyone uncomfy, or play pornhub through a speaker and it will have the same effect. walk around as naked as possible, it is summer and you’re too warm to wear pants or shorts that cover your ass cheeks. microwave tuna for a tuna sandwich and stink the whole place up. my point is to take up space in your own home. stop tiptoeing around and letting them inconvenience you. you need to become the inconvenience for them. as a bonus they will never ever book a flight there again without booking their hotel accommodation first!
When people start boohooing/guilt tripping saying “oh I’m the worst roommate/mother/friend etc” I’ve just started agreeing with them. It catches them so off guard it usually stops the guilt trip in its path.
Right like “how dare you agree with me this was supposed to change the subject about how good of a person you think I am”
Most leases have an agreement that people who aren’t tenants can’t stay for more than 4-5 days. Be careful because that could backfire on you and you could be in violation of your lease. Your roommate’s dismissive behavior shows her character. Own your shit if you’re an adult. Let her know this falls on you too if the leasing office or landlord find out multiple people that aren’t on your lease are staying there.
there might also be a maximum occupancy listed
A lot of places have maximum occupancy for safety reasons I'm sure. Everyone I know has a time limit on guests on their apartments. Theu can be as small as like 3 days in a row even.
UPDATE: Her family got a hotel for the next two days! This is not ideal but at least I can sit on my couch for two days. Thank you for the overwhelming support, I feel validated that I am NTA. For those of you who thinks this is okay on my roommates part, that’s completely fine, everyone is different. For me, it was a culmination of little things such as: her family using my clean towels instead of hers, my toothbrush being wet from theirs laying against mine, eating in the dark, not being able to shower when I want, etc. with no warning. With the exception of my sister 1 time, my family stays at hotels or air b n b when they visit me. We’ve had discussions in the past that 2 guests is too much for the space and agrees with me in the moment just to disregard when convenient for her. Her sister just stayed for 10 days a month ago, and visits probably 3 times a year. This is not a one off situation, which is why I am not able to let it slide this time.
I don't really believe the people who are on the roommate's side would deal with this particularly well, they're just being contrarian. Or they're imagining the parents in their space, where they may have room to have 3 guests (with the boyfriend, it's 3, which means when the sister stays, it's 2 guests) staying in their house for 10 days. It was very kind of you to eat in the dark and not shower when they were sleeping, but I probably wouldn't have done that. I probably wouldn't have gone as scorched earth as I earlier suggested, but I definitely would have not gone out of my way to make it easy for your housemate to have guests stay over for more than a week. In the past, me and a friend went to another state to visit a different friend. We stayed at her house for one night, and I felt plenty guilty that one of her housemates was clearly being extra quiet when they got up in the morning (bought them drinks when we were out to make up for it). We paid for a hotel in the city for the extra nights that we would have been around so that we could have our own space, and also so we weren't cramping their space. This is just a decent thing to do. I can't imagine sleeping on somebody's couch for 10 days multiple times a year and not feeling really guilty.
You handled this way more maturely than I would have.
Way more than I would have too!
Nothing mature about OP’s handling. She doesn’t have a spine. She mentions in comments that the roommate did the same thing when the mother and sister visited in the last year. She needs to contact their landlord, kick these people out, and/or make roommate boyfriend’s pay rent. I mean, she’s just rolling over and taking it without Vaseline. Ridiculous.
I agree. OP hasn't handled the situation at all. Time to set some boundaries... Starting with telling everyone who isn't on the lease they need to find other accommodations immediately. This is not a discussion, do not entertain any arguments, do not let them stay one more night. The amount of people in such a small space likely violates a local law or some sort of housing code..I would absolutely make any (non violent, non illegal) threats necessary to get them out. Once the family returns home, OP and the roommate need to either get on the same page or find different living arrangements.
Yeah that’s not cool. You aren’t crazy OP
You’re not crazy, OP. It’s your apartment just as much as roommate’s and they’re taking up all the common space plus lying about it. What about all the utilities they’re using? If it’s too expensive for parents to get a room, they could’ve just paid for the roommate to fly to their home or waited until the roommate moved (presumably with their bf.) I think you worded your texts very maturely and handled a difficult situation the best you could. I’m sorry you’ve had to live with such a selfish person.
Even without the fact that it's a small space. It's extremely rude to just expect guests to stay for a week without the other person agreeing to it. Even if it were a 3 bedroom home. I'd still be riddled with anxiety and feeling like I have to walk on eggshells in my own home. I'd be so pissed.
Me being me I was like yeah no they shouldn’t be staying but for A WEEK?! It would be so different if it was one night but that’s insane.
Ya it’s 10 days total actually😭
Call the landlord immediately.
Why are you being a doormat? Eating in silence with a flashlight?! wtf. Why are you trying to accommodate them? Your housemate is NOT your friend. The whole manipulative narcissistic BS “oh I’m so sorry I’m such a shit friend and blah blah bs”… “Roommate, I am no longer going to deal with the disrespect you’ve shown me. I’ve messaged the landlord about the fact you’ve moved in 3 extra people and I feel unsafe in my home. Please tell your boyfriend he is only allowed to visit on the weekend and I expect your parents to be out by tomorrow or I will contact the landlord again and start taking things further. I will no longer fund yours and your families lifestyle. I’ve also changed the password for the WiFi. Until you pay half, you will not be using it. Again, have your guests removed within 24 hours.”
Exactly my thoughts! The roommate has lied to her before about having her family over for extended periods of time. And OP is getting steamrolled and doing nothing about it except complain on Reddit.
Ask for more money. Sounds like a massive inconvenience, and your utility bill will be higher
My son and I live in a unit roughly the same size so I feel your pain! My best friend had to quickly exit a relationship and I ended up with her and her 3 girls (14,13 and 2) living in my lounge room for about 2 weeks and it was a nightmare for me. Was so grateful when she managed to get emergency accommodation before a more permanent house. I'm also in a tourist town and it's school holidays at the moment so of course prices are high but my dad, who is visiting tomorrow with my nephew for a few days, has booked into the cheapest accommodation he could find, knowing that we don't have the room and they'll only be there to sleep, the rest of the time we'll be out and about. A lot of people only think of themselves these days 🤦♀️
And unfortunately a lot of people have money issues these days as well, but that doesn’t give you the right to take advantage of your roommate. The fact that the *boyfriend* is still staying there blows my mind 😤
I have money issues too but I can't imagine booking a 10 day holiday without 100% confirming somewhere I can stay!! Kinda makes me wonder if the roommate told her fam from the get-go that they're welcome to stay... The boyfriend makes it so much worse!! 20 years since I've had to deal with roommates and it doesn't sound like much has changed...
It’s been 20 years for me as well! Fortunately my last roommate was a good person, he and I lived together for ten years. I can count the incidents we had on one hand and still have fingers left.
Love it! My last housemate 20 years ago was one of my best friends and we had a bit of a falling out over bills etc when she left, as everything was in my name, we were young and dumb and I thought it was the end. Luckily we both grew up and she paid me back a year or so later, and we've been great friends ever since. She now lives in another state close to a touristy area, with her hubby in a huge house and I have a cheap place to holiday hahaha score!
Wow. She and her family are very inconsiderate Make sure she pays up for their share of power and water! Check the bill and do the maths. Get an earlier reading if she’s leaving soon - so you don’t get left with the huge bill. Actually the parents should be thinking of that and contributing for expenses, especially as saving so much on NOT paying for hotel or Air BnB. Though maybe she gets her lack of awareness from them. …. In fact raise it while they are still there. Maybe in front of them (what’s to lose..) And her bf should be chipping in for power, water etc anyway, if he spends so much time there you should only pay a third.
Good point to bring it up in front of them. They could give money to the daughter to give to the roommate and she pockets it
This same thing happened when my partner moved in with me years ago close to a coastal town. His family just tried to use us as a free vacation spot. Wasn't so much an issue them because we had room and I get it, very expensive area. But they brought their friends a few times and that's when I called it. The first time they came they hung out with us and went on a few adventures on their own of course, but the final time they weren't ever there and spent like 4 hours with my partner and broke their heart so hell no. Not a vacation home free for your use whenever convenient. In your case, it's not like a night or two. A week unconfirmed with you is insane.
Apparently it's actually 10 days!!! I'd be telling her parents to get out myseld
Jesus wtf. I just saw the square footage part too. Hell no I'd tell them they need to leave and try my best to find a new roommate.
I DESPISE people like this omg
“I did lie” 😑
I had a housemate lie to me around having his parents over. Originally said they’d be over during the Christmas period, but left out that by ‘his parents’ that also meant his sister, brother and their partner as well. So I spent that Christmas, with my whole family overseas, feeling like an interloper in another family’s Christmas because I didn’t know about the extra three adults until it was too late. He was a grub.
This person seems unwell. Do you honestly love them, like was this a close friend prior to the roommate situation? I'm getting the vibe that you walk on eggshells around this person, that will blow up soon. I'm betting within the month you're going to hate her fucking guts. Just being realistic.
I do love her like a sister. And I don’t really walk on eggshells but try to be intentional with my words because most people don’t think before they speak. Unfortunately I don’t think she respects me the way I respect her.
i had a roommate do the exact same thing except her parents also had covid and she didn’t tell anyone. to this day if i see that psycho around it enrages me all the inconsiderate stuff she got away with.
Do tell…
she also almost killed my cat multiple times and ADMITTED it was more than just neglect, bc her cat got sick and she just decided it was my cat’s fault even though the vet confirmed it would be impossible to accurately place blame in that way. she admitted she might’ve been intentionally harming my cat because she blamed him for getting her cat sick, she’s probably a psychopath and i pity anyone who ever has to meet her. also when she had her family come to stay when they had covid it was during the move out, and she left about HALF her belongings including dressers bed frames and bricks (??) that we all had to spend 5 hours over the time we were supposed to be moved out cleaning up for her so we could get our security deposit back. she also dated a NAZI when we were friends (we’re BOTH JEWISH????) and was extremely against ending the relationship even after seeing his views. complete psycho. i wish i could warn everyone who ever meets her bc it would’ve saved me a lot of time and effort put into a friendship with someone who is barely human. there’s definitely more too 😭
also she’s one of those “cosplays as poor” white college students 😒 My parents made some substantial money in the time since i’ve been in college and i’ve always been open with my friends about my family being decently well off (at this point, although I did not grow up wealthy at all) and in our friend group it was just known that my parents had money and almost everyone else’s parents were middle class/lower middle class. she in particular would constantly talk about “being poor” and different ways to save money and cut corners, telling stories about living without very much, etc. Come to find out, her family is pretty much on the same financial level as mine, and her family owns a lucrative property in DC they rent out (they are landlords) as well her parent having a full time high paying job!! they apparently just used to be less well off (just like my family!) and she wants to hold onto her pretend oppression for as long as possible. and she’s one of those college students that has a credit card her family gave her to spend whenever she wants and she never sees the bill, which isn’t even something i’ve ever had, even though i was always “the rich one”. I guess i was just the only honest one 🤷♀️
If someone can’t afford a place to stay, then they should not be traveling. A vacation is a want/luxury, and I’m saying this as someone who hasn’t had a real vacation in nearly a decade. The one I did have was planned and paid out over months and nothing fancy. She knew exactly what she was doing and so did they
Her parents aren’t together? Neither of them Can afford a hotel? Why wouldn’t they want to get a hotel? When we visit with family we WANT a hotel. The fuck?
If my friend lied to me and tricked me like that about her family staying in OUR home I would quickly realize that she was not the friend that I thought she was. That was a rotten thing to do to you.
No way they’re trying to guilt trip you 😭 “yeah I’m the worst roommate ever good thing I’m moving away” they expect you to be like “aww no don’t say that” when you should have said “yeah you’re right thank god you’re moving”
You better than me. If she said "Your making me feel guilty" I'd be like "Good. You're making me feel invaded in my own space".
Go petty and throw a party.
I think “sorry dude” says everything you need to know about how much your roommate considers your feelings
The “I’m the worst roommate ever” shit is manipulative and don’t engage with it.
where tf would they be paying $800 a NIGHT to stay??? the gaslighting is so heavy here💀
I get cranky is there is an extra person sitting on my couch. Also, who spends $800 a night for a Airbnb? Are they planning on staying at Buckingham Palace. Update, PLEASE! I hope the best friend sitch is in past tense
They are still here. I assume they’ll be staying at the hotel for 2 days out of their 10 day stay. Roommate and I haven’t spoken since the texts but I fully plan on telling her how fucked up the situation is in person so she can’t throw herself a pity party.
Don’t assume, ask the parents directly. “So when are you guys leaving for your hotel? Roommate said you’d only be a week, so I figured she meant you had a hotel booked”.
“Roommate didn’t mention you all staying here, until you were already here” Let me drive you to the Nomada Inn
This isn’t okay. I’d explain you want your half of the rent paid for by her family if they intend to sleep there another night. If they couldn’t afford it, they shouldn’t have come. This is so disgustingly unfair to you. The bf wouldn’t be allowed back over for a month after this if it were me. She reached her lifetime guest max.
Time to start being a horrible roommate back. Oh, were you sleeping? Sorry I need into this cabinet 7x *slam slam slam*
This fucking attempt at a guilt trip. Don't fall for it. They are a terrible roommate and they lied. How embarrassing that their parents wouldn't make better plans than to squash up with a stranger for free. I'd be mortified putting someone out like this.
I don’t think the people in the comments realize how small 500 sq ft is….also one bathroom and 6 people for 10 days?? That’s enough to make me lose my shit
Send the boyfriend back to his place. Tell the roommate/ parents that she can’t afford the extra and to please pay there portion of the bills.
I had a roommate exactly like this and we were best friends. After about the 3rd time she responded to me like this I said hey I’m moving out and found my own place. It totally ruined our relationship. I just could not be around someone that refused to have a simple conversation. It was like she perceived everything as a personal attack and always ended in me apologizing to her if I wanted things to be good again. Just absolutely bizarre.
IM THE WORST ROOMMATE EVER 😵💫😵💫😵💫
I hate when people say something like “I’m sorry that you FEEL taken advantage of”. Like…no bitch. I don’t “feel” taken advantage of. I 100% WAS taken advantage of. A huge sign of someone who is manipulative and narcissistic is someone who says shit like that.
fuck that dude. it would be a good thing to never have to deal with him again.
What parents or bf would want to stay in that situation? I don’t go out to eat or to the bar if I can’t tip. If people don’t have money for accommodations they shouldn’t travel unless it’s with a tent.
the entire situation is crappy, but why on earth is the boyfriend staying there right now??? with that many people??? does he not have a home 😭
OP, your roommate is only able to do what you allow her to get away with. I’ve commented something similar before on this sub, but basically they’ve tested your boundaries and found what your limit (or lack thereof) is. They have no incentive to change their behavior if they’re not getting consistent pushback. I appreciate that you’re trying to be nice at first, but when that doesn’t work you just have to be more firm. Your roommates parents are going to go home soon, but you still should put your foot down about the bf staying every night. You should not be so uncomfortable in your own home.
Ask her to pay $200 to cover the utilities they’ll be using, which is water and power.
5 people in 500 square feet is a lot
10 days!! F that's. I'd be on the phone with the landlord.
I have a large home 4 bed 3.4 bath, two story. My parents live about 2 hours from me and when they visit they book their own hotel/airbnb so they don’t inconvenience my children or me. I can’t imagine anyone thinking it’s okay to stay in a home this small. I would charge them a portion or the utility bills and rent. And start charging the boyfriend too. Maybe look for a new place too and drop the “friend” because she doesn’t care about you.
Hey OP, let is know when the toilet breaks… that’s when the real party starts.
"Im the worst roommate ever"... Cry me a river, dude. Get tf outta here! Good riddance end of the month.
You have a selfish asshole roommate. My advice is to start thinking avoid where you will live when the lease is over. Sorry OP that sucks.
Take a long time in the bathroom, turn lights on while they are sleeping, use the sentence "sorry but I was not expecting guests this week and I have to work/eat/study" a lot. Make sure every person knows they are not welcome. Call your landlord and say you have extra guests staying over a week you did not approve some will help you kick them out because it is a fire hazard or not on the insurance.
She should pay for 1/4 of your rent for the month if her family is staying there for 1 week+ of the whole month
Your friend is trying to gaslight you. She’s also not your friend. These texts looks like they’re from an abusive relationship. Jesus. Edit: you’re letting her walk all over you. I agree with another commenter, you should call your landlord.
instantly knew this was hawaii. hated this the most when living with roommates. this has happened to literally everyone who lives with transplants on island 😭 i am so, so sorry. Tell her that they need to pay for you to stay somewhere else if they refuse to get out. five people in one apartment here is WAY too hot
I get that it’s annoying she lied; and I’m ready to be eaten alive in the comments but you live in Hawaii, you’re young 24 year olds, it makes sense she would have people over to stay. It’s family; you said she does it 1-2 times a year. It’s her house too. She could’ve been up front but given your reaction she probably just didn’t want to ask you knowing you’ll say no. It’s a shared space. She can use it too, even if that means having people over. It’s a few weeks out of the year. She’s not being a bad roommate Okay can’t wait to get told I am a dick and don’t understand anything